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Pain & Pleasure in Feeling #WordsOfWednesday

 

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It is 7:03pm.
I just walked into the house. I flicked on the lights with my right hand, turned to my left and headed into the hallway. There, I turned on the heater and set my knee brace down in my room.

I wonder where my ring is. I usually wear it on the middle finger of my right hand but I haven’t been able to find it for about two days now.
Oh well.

Sooo… now I am sitting on the floor of my living room. The heater is blowing too loud to my left.
My feet are crossed.
The next words are being typed and here we are.

Something I have enjoyed about writing is it allows me to talk , spill my heart even when my mouth is shut.

Christmas is in a few days and I don’t feel the spirit nor do I feel festive but it will be nice to have a long weekend.
Every year for the last few years, I have sat down and written who and what I have been thankful for.

This year was harder.
I wrote about most of it in my last piece but I think I finally realized what I was thankful for.
By losing so much, I realized how much I gained.
There is a similar feeling I have right now, to the one I had at the end of last year.
So yes, I have told myself, that I let myself down.

But I realized, you don’t have to please anybody but your family and God.
Truly.
I spent so much time trying to be politically correct and “right” for folks that won’t deserve it.
Also, realizing that you are all you’ve got. At the end of the day, when the chips are down, all you really need is you.
So 2017 is about getting better with self, purpose, art and God.
Focus and channel your strength into all those things.

One thing I realized was that, intentionally or unintentionally, the things I channeled the most effort into are the things I succeeded at this year.
Keep your circle small. Keep your head down. And just be the best you.
Those goals you have lined out for 2017, chase those harder than anything out there.
Pray about them. Chase them. Pursue those goals.
2016, I am thankful for painful lessons.
I tried to love this year. I did.
Infant, I might have loved or at least what felt like it.
Truth is this, if you are not totally ready in 2017 and beyond, stay single. Tattoo it to your forehead and enjoy your time.
If you are not filled up, you will have nothing to give.
Ultimately you will hurt yourself and those you might even have intentions of loving.

Be true to you.
Protect your peace.
Cherish your happiness.
Do your best to show the people you genuinely love AND those that truly LOVE YOU, the best care you can.
Never give up on yourself. Even when others give up on you.
Cry if you have to and then get up.

It is okay to be alone, as long as you are happy and fulfilled.
Stress should be a thing of the past.
Do not deal with folks that hover for chaos.
Let your passions and purpose direct your path.
I know this piece is a bit all over the the place but it’s reflective of my mood right now.

2016. What a bloody wawuuuuu….

Parents
Thank you for always reminding me that I have you and I have God.
My mom would always redirect it back to place of safety in Christ. It was so hard to admit to her that I felt like I lost a bit of my way but truly grateful for the unconditional love parents show.

Ninzlo
There is a gift of foresight that God has given you. It is amazing.
So many times this year, you could have justifiably said
“Sanmi, I told you” or “I warned you”
I know you sometimes desperately want to but thank you for not.
Thank you for being a listening ear for holding me up. Praying for and with me.
Standing by me even when I have doubted my art, my truth, myself.
You are real one and I pray for a bigger 2017 for you.
It’s already loading anyways. Baba God no dey sleep! But you are still very annoying!

 

BeingBola
Man, so much of this year, you were everything. The aftermath of the fire.
When I felt depression creeping back in, even when I couldn’t verbalize. The thankless things you did. The morning voice notes of prayer.
When you would fight for me and pull me up.
This one is hard because of where things are now. But I trust God and I trust his word.
I pray for a better 2017 for you. And I pray he truly grants all your hearts desires. And I pray you find love.
And someone that you will feel safe to let go. And someone that will never give up on you.

 

Echeme
You are like a silent pillar.
2016, you were a bit scarce. More than you have been in recent years. A lot happened for you too but life in general was a challenge that we overcome. I always feel a sense of warmth and grounding when I talk to you.
We haven’t had one of those “hit your core” talks in a min. Now you ran and went to Nigeria. Useless.
I am happy for you and your love. It reminds me of a time and now inspires me back to a place I once knew.
Thanks brother.

 

AyoB
Man!
There is a level of vulnerability that came with meeting you and beginning to know you.
You are truly a gift. Somehow you have your way. The way you challenge me, I don’t get to slouch or have the easy route. I truly appreciate that.
And you steady giving them!
You have brought so much light to my path this year and I pray the same for you in 2017. Thank you so much.

 

Itafe
Yoooooooooooooooo. Where would I be without you?
You are just a pleasure in my life. A true definition of a brother.
A blessing.
You make me laugh effortlessly and you ALWAYS put a smile on my face.
Your advice, your humility and your honesty is so refreshing. You are truly one of the good guys.
And I am thankful for you. Like gahhh.. aint gonna cry but I love you bro.

 

D-O
I don’t think you have decided if you want to stay in my life and stop stressing me out or stay and keep stressing me out. Lol
But make up your damn mind!
Me I don tire o.
You were an unlikely confidant, one that I would sometimes even forget to thank but you have been truly amazing. Thank you for all of the times you weren’t fighting me lol

Mallamsawyer
There is an energy you bring. Genuineness in interactions that I admire.
You make people around you feel really good. And that is what I aspire to be always. We met on July 2nd and every interaction I have had with you since then has been positive. You might not even have realized it.
So thank you for your telling mark. It has been a blessing.
And to everyone new that I have met that is becoming more important in my life as the days go by, I appreciate you all. OO, TJ, Pepe, Jua,

For a long time, I spent 2016 trying to feel sorry for the things I lost but I had to become thankful for so much more.
For lessons, perspective, growth and the love of those that matter.
You won’t believe that it can get better but it does.
it really does.

Let thanksgiving never depart from your mouth.
There will be tears of overwhelm and of joy. But amongst all things, give thanks!
There is so much to look forward to in 2017!
No jokes!

I will be back to giving you monthly series. #TheRants will only be more impactful.
The book will finally come out. And that web series is definitely being worked on.
So trust me when I say 2017 is mine. It’s ours.
Its for #TheRants. Its for positive and powerful people.

It is for #WhatTheHeckMan

Check out my weekend offering. I will be releasing a one part story this Saturday. See the flyer below.

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Till next time ladies and gentlemen!
Bless Up!
7:38pm

Follow @adewus4real

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

#SanmiSaturdays

© 2016 #WhatTheHeckMan

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#WhatTheHeckMan · #WordsofWednesday · African · Bloggers · Drama · Fiction · Life · Oakland · Poetry · Sex · Stories · TheRants · Uncategorized

Réfléchir & Croître

Black Friday. Cyber Monday. Christmas Shopping. Annual Evals.

Resolution Review…

Time to balance the books…

 

Time to balance the books. It’s a #WhatTheHeckMan audit. So what’s ha’nning?

The end of the year often brings about reflection. Unwanted or preplanned, you find folks taking the time out to recollect and recount the year that has just gone by.
We find boxes to put things in.
Think of it like sorting through a giant box of undated photographs and trying to create albums that you then stuff under your bed or away in the hallway closet.

So here I am reflecting on what the year brought along with it.

Light It Up!

March 6th, 2016.
I remember sitting that evening by the water fountain and repeatedly saying

“The Devil is a liar”

I had a fantastic day that day before that moment. I gave a testimony at church, led worship and felt very lifted to be honest.
The Friday before that, I had gotten a promotion at my job.
I was so happy.
So when majority of my apartment went up in flames, I knew it was the devil trying to steal my joy.
I think I was in shock for the most part. I didn’t cry immediately.
I was in shock.

The following weeks were crazy.
The support and love from some people was amazing. It showed me the kinds of people I had in my corner.
Some were mad at me that they found out about the fire on social media and some were rallying around to support me.
Sleeping out of my house and trying to figure out how much I lost, I learned a lot in that time.
I truly thought I lost everything but something that truly stuck with me was the value in the people I loved.
They stayed close.
So in 2017, I plan to be a better friend and partner in 2017 to those that truly deserve it.

FriENDS.

Over the year, I battled.
Trying so hard to hold on to things. Picture walking into the groceries store and only needing one item but you stretch out your arms and fill them up with things you realize that you need.
But what happens now is that you’re carrying a lot, too much sometimes.

How I was in 2016 was like when you get home from the grocery store and you want to only make one trip from the car to the house.
So you are carrying twenty bags like your life depends on it. Your hands are hurting but you gotta only make one trip!
And then you end up in the house and realize you forgot one bag in the trunk! That one bag can be that really good friend that you ignored or forgot about this year.
I have a couple of those.

but this was also the year I said “Fuck Your Friendship” and meant it.
It was the year I got tired of glorified interactions. People you only interact with on a surface level that you give undeserving titles, like friends.
NOT EVERYBODY YOU CALL YOUR FRIEND IS YOUR FRIEND.

It was the year I realized that some people claim to be your friends off past experience.
And not merit.
Respect is earned, given and maintained.
EVERYDAY.
The people that care about you. Shouldn’t have to tell you everyday, but you shouldn’t doubt that they do either.
It was an eye opening year in that regard.
Be wary of friends that only want to talk to you about life when they hear “bad” things about you.
“Oh, I heard this today and I just wanted to come and talk to you first, because you know, you are my friend”
🙄
But the last time you spoke was 3weeks ago and it was because they heard something then too. Lol.
Now I’m not saying you have to be babied by your “friends” daily but you yourself, check yourself. If the only time you contacting someone is to talk about bad things, you might need to realign the kind of friend you are.
Friendships ended.
But if a friendship ends and the person is now out in the street dragging you at every chance they get, you have to tell yourself “Na me fuck up” for thinking you had sense to begin with.
There were some I literally said “fuck you” to, while knowing they were listening in.
Drop dead weight relationships or interactions. Sometimes we hold on to people because we are afraid of what our lives will look like without them but they are not even bringing anything to yours.
Don’t play yourself.
Only keep people that invest in you as often as you do them. No time for credit advance relationships.
#TheRants

What a blessing!
To have an outlet to create, explore and just share community with others.
I was/am/will be truly grateful for this year and the depths my show reached.
I bless God.
And I plan to work hard to bring better and bigger shows to those that love and support me.
Financial Responsibility

As I write this right now, my checking account is in negative $496.
I was out of work all of November and disability still aint come from post surgery.
So all my bills have hit, money long gone and savings vanished.
Nigeria on the horizon for many and I just dey here they pray.
I don’t say that for sympathy or whatever. Trust me, as much as I have many responsibilities as a first born, I was also financially irresponsible at certain times this year.
So I gotta do better for me and those relying on me.

You don’t realize who and what you are spending your hard earned money on, till the end of the road and you are looking back like what?!
LOL.

2017, I need to save better and have more residual income.
So if it aint making money, cut ittttttt.

God

Man.
I let God down so much this year.
It’s insane.
“As much as it your responsibility to not bring shame to your family name, you shouldn’t bring reproach to God’s name.”

If someone insults God because of who you are, you are somewhat liable.
People are tired of reading the bible. They read you.
So when things go sour, they use you or your life to reflect God.

Someone called me a fake Christian this year. Mutilple times.
Essentially highlight that I displayed certain behaviors that would make God unhappy with me. And they were right.
So we have to be careful.
Even though some of the behaviors involved the person, it was still hugely damning to hear them say you are less of a child of God.
You can sin with an “unbeliever” but when they want to point the finger, you’re the one with a father to answer to.
Remember that.
I didn’t read my bible enough this year.
I was so distracted yo.
Focusing on people and pleasures that didn’t keep me filled.
And I gotta do better.
Starting today and through 2017, I will make a conscious effort to spend more alone time with God.
Vibes

I was just telling my cousin how much Mr Eazi has allowed people to over use this word in 2016.

But you truly have to just enjoy vibes. Positive vibes.
Have people with positive energy around them.
You really gotta look at certain people from afar and watch the aura around them.

Even I brought on negative vibes in certain area of my life this year. And I had to check myself.
So surround yourself with positive and optimistic people that want to see you win at all costs.
People that will lift you up.
Do away with glorified “besties” and sometimes allow yourself to just be.
Here are some of the things I learned in 2016

1. It will be okay. As long as God sits on the throne, you will be fine.
2. Be thankful in all things.
3. Letting people go is just the beginning. You will not die
4. Love Yourself more than anything else. It radiates
5. You will make mistakes. Learn from them but learn more from others, so people don’t use you as a textbook.
6. Forgive yourself
7. Follow your passion. Discover your purpose.
8. Never settle for mediocrity.
9. Dare to be different. Like push the envelope
10. Demand the love and support you want and deserve.
11. Be accountable for your actions.
12. Your intent is not always enough. Your impact matters more.
13. believe in you and your heart. if you have a good heart, it will win. Eventually.
14. Save money
15. Travel and see the world
16. Allow yourself the space to be vulnerable.
17. Remember you are not an island but you are also strong enough to stand alone.
18. You cannot do anything without God.
#WhatTheHeckMan family, I adore you all. Thank you for being with me.
Thank you for allowing me to speak my truth and holding me up.
One thing I will ask each and everyone of you reading this is to hold me more accountable in 2017.
I am consumed by trying to be a better man. I want to be the best version of myself.
So if you catch me slipping, even if you don’t know me that well, please speak up.
I hope we all see the end of 2017 in divine joy, health, peace, happiness, prosperity and direction.
2017 will be great for you and me.
Say it into existence.
Thank you for being there for me.
I appreciate you. I bless God for you.

Till next time, ladies and gentlemen, it is the Wordsmith with the #WordsOfWednesday on WhatTheHeckMan.

Stay Up and Be Blessed.

Comment below and share with me, one thing you have learned in 2016 and one thing you will be better at in 2017.

Till next time, ladies and gentlemen, it is the Wordsmith with the #WordsOfWednesday on WhatTheHeckMan.

Stay Up and Be Blessed.

Follow @adewus4real

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

#SanmiSaturdays

© 2016 #WhatTheHeckMan

#WhatTheHeckMan · #WordsofWednesday · African · Art · Drama · Fiction · Life · Oakland · Poetry · Sex · TheRants · Uncategorized

What’s Love Got to Do…

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Selah by Emeli Sande

As I pulled the headphones out of my ears, I sighed.
Right as I write this, I am swimming in a mixture of emotions.
Anger, frustration, resentment, exhaustion and overall, emptiness.

The last few weeks have been defining and structurally important. It’s been a minute since we had a very real and honest “WordsOfWednesday”.
In this message, as always, I know I’ll be indirectly speaking to myself about a couple of things but who is a man without constant reflection?

So back to the last few weeks.
As we entered 2016, I was so desperate to not be where I am right now. Feeling what I feel right now.
The only difference between last year and now, I am not taking the full burden for said feelings.
I have historically been the person that would cower in emotion and blame myself for everything that has gone wrong.
No more.

Think of it like a box of donuts at work while you are on a diet.
Everyone claims they don’t want to touch it but they do, but you just walk there, take your donut and leave. When you get home, you cry tears of high fructose.

For sometime now, I thought I was broken.
Like people would tell me, “Sanmi, you’re not the man I used to know”  and to some extent I agree. But I also challenge that notion.
“Why do I have to be who you want me to be? Or why do I have to be stagnant?”

I have been called “meaner, harder, less patient”… amongst others but I am thankful for all of it.
Back to those headphones, I pulled them out and I had just finished listening to voice note from a friend.
In this voice note, she spoke about all the things I didn’t do for her. How I was selfish and things.
(Back story: we had an argument last night and I snapped. Like all of the last two/three weeks came rushing out)

It brings me back to this concept of love and loving yourself.
See love is weird in the sense that it is not something from a bottomless well. You give it, you receive it.
Not in the same doses but it’s give AND take.
If you spent all your time giving love and never receiving it, you would eventually run low or run out.
And then begin to resent the people who are demanding it from you.

Emotionally, I have been running on E, for a while now.
And the man I used to be, would lie and pretend to make everyone else happy. But I cant anymore.
Like I physically cannot bring myself to lie.
Certain messages come across my phone and I become physically tired. Like tired like I just finished getting a beatdown…tired.
It’s not there.
See its not that I don’t love these people, I just am expending so much of myself in different ways that pressuring me to give what I don’t necessarily have enough off, is frustrating.

Imagine wanting a movie from the local Blockbuster store, they are showing it as “in store”. But everytime you come to the store, they tell you they don’t have it.
So why are you showing it online????

My bestfriend (who is currently not talking to me, totally related to this) called me out on it.
“Sanmi, you give just enough of yourself to draw someone in but then you close up and people are left wondering what happened or what they did wrong”
I miss the old me.
The super sweet, everyone should be forgiven me but even at that point, my ex still left me. So I obviously wasn’t as good as I thought right?

The truth is, I was trying then.
Even when I failed, I was trying. Trying to be better
I think I am finally getting back to that guy after almost two years but not for people who don’t contribute.

I have been angry for a while.
At a lot of people and for someone who writes. Calls himself “The Wordsmith”, I don’t do enough talking.
Me snapping two nights ago was out of character. Takes a lot to get me there but I am tired.

Its like I have been trying to be this thing. This person for people when I should have been filling myself up (shut up Bola)
I was already empty but here I was giving more and more.

It is so funny, you can read a birthday card from a friend and it will say stuff like “Thank you for being there for me, you taught me so much”
But once you fight?
“You never gave me anything or matched my intensity”

My point truly is, stay.
Love is great but it is not to be used like a limitless card.
See when I was giving myself years ago, I wasn’t necessarily filling up on the love from the relationship but I was filling up on God’s love.
I would sing and be happy, pray and be safe. Even though in my relationship, I was hurting.

Now, I haven’t done enough refilling.
And people have been demanding. IT’s not even like they are asking for too much.
“Reply my text, check on me”
Basic shit really but I am so spent.

My hours and days are filled with thinking about things that are so present in my world.
That sometimes the extra stuff is too much.

Sometimes I think I allowed myself to drag on baggage, I should have dropped. So I was driving around, pulling myself down.
It’s not a crime to let go sometimes.
And if God is moving things away, let him!

Love is not enough. By itself, its not enough.
It requires much more.
You can have the love but in the wrong frame of mind, time of life, to the wrong person, it will not come across.
Don’t be like me.
Thinking you are macho in healing and giving. Stop and refill.
Driving your heart on E will cause the care to explode.
Park.
Think.
Cry.
Heal.
Refill.
Then drive into your next adventure with a clear mind.
I am probably going to cry after this because its been coming.
But I hope you learned something from all of this.
2016 has been a rollercoaster for a variety of reasons, but your heart should not be drained when it needs to be filled.

Don’t lov on E.
It will only leave you filled with resentment and still Empty.
Till next time,
Open and honest…

Sanmi.

Stay Up!

PLEASE COMMENT.

The End

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Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

© 2016 #WhatTheHeckMan