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The Fixer

The Fixer

“I am so tired.
I am tired. I don’t need any encouraging words or “it will get better”
I am tired.
For the last 10 days, I have been dealing with family stuff as someone has been unexpectedly and worryingly sick in my immediate family.
Putting on a strong face and trying to keep it all together but dying inside.
I am so stressed. I want to cry every day but I feel like I am too strong. I need to be strong to hold it all together.
Parking was a fucking shit show this morning because of stupid construction happening in the fucking high of the day!
Took me over an hour to park. I hate everyone and everything.
My parents lied!
They promised me, forced me to get stupid degrees and promised to pay my student loans.
I make enough but the costs never stop.

Like that was money I was still thinking I would use to buy the rest of the shit I need for Nigeria or even pay for lodging!
I just want to close my eyes and everything ends.
I am tired.

I don’t want to feel all this pain.
I don’t want to be strong.
Don’t fucking know why I am typing this to you but idk.
FUCK THIS SHIT!”

I hit send on the text message, placed my phone to the side of my bed and I closed my eyes.
Seconds later, my mind was racing. I was filled with remorse and regretting even opening up.
I wanted to pick up my phone but this was not WhatsApp, this message was not getting deleted or erased.

The sunlight beamed through the blinds as I woke up. I picked up my phone and looked at the notification panel.
1:38pm.
Fuck! How did I sleep for so long?

I sluggishly got up, weaving through my notifications and apps, I ignored my bible app reminder and went straight for my iMessage.
As I pulled it up, I noticed that my message from the night before had been read four hours prior but no reply.

Fucking Kamal.

……

“Tobi, where are you?”

I heard him chuckle over the phone and he replied

“Chill, I’m coming”

I growled and snapped back

“Tobi, you said you have been coming since morning. If you couldn’t come, you should have just told me and I would have found a way to come and get it.
Where are you now, so I can come and get it?”

I could tell my anger took him by surprise as he said

“I’m already on my way to you. I’m bringing it”

I replied

“How long?!”

“15minutes”

He snarled back.

Click. The call was over.

The next roughly 15minutes were sooo annoying!
One thing I hate more than anything else is being made to wait.
I needed that bag and what is more annoying is that I gladly would have gone to get it myself.
But here I was waiting on someone who didn’t see the urgency in what I needed.

When he pulled up, I opened the door and let him in.
His first words didn’t help because I was doing everything within my power to not snatch my purse from him.
He smiled and said

“Why are you so angry?”

I took a deep breath and said

“Tobi, give me my purse”

He started trying to play hookie with me by running around the coffee table in the center of my living room.
I was so angry and I charged at him.
He ducked and turned around the couch, he was now standing between the couch and my dining table.
I stopped to catch my breath and I said

“Tobi, please give me my purse. I am tired abeg”

He smiled and started walking towards me with his hands behind his back, both on my purse.
I walked towards him and we were soon standing within inches of each other.
He leaned in and tried to kiss me.
I weaved and moved my head as I said

“Tobi stop. Just please give me my purse. I’m really tired”

He smirked and said

“Not giving it to you until you give me a kiss”

I turned around to walk away. I was boiling inside.
He tried to grab my forearm as I turned away. In one swoop, I swung around and smacked his hand.
There was a look of pure shock on his face, he clearly didn’t think I was going to hit him that hard.
He pulled his hand out and stretched my purse towards me.

I collected it and sluggishly walked into the room.
I opened the bag and began shuffling in the purse for what I was looking for.
I couldn’t find it.
I couldn’t fucking find it!
My eyes were getting cloudy and my heart was racing. I turned the contents of the purse on to the bed.
A parking ticket I had been putting off was amongst the contents. I hissed as I rummaged through the bag still looking for the item.
No luck.

I could feel my breath leaving me.
I got up and went towards my bedside desk. Opening the drawer, I started looking for it there.
Nothing.
I walked back to the bed and sat down.
At this point, the tears were coming down my face.
I was afraid.
My mind went blank. The last time I saw it, I was putting it into my purse.
So where could it have gone?
I stood up to head into the living room. As I stood up, I felt my legs give way and I slumped with the back of my head catching the corner of my bed.
The last thing I heard was Tobi bursting into my room.
I saw his legs as he bent next to me and lifted my head into his arms.

He kept calling my name.
I was slowly forgetting mine.
My eyes shut.

…..

“Do you know when the last time she took her medication was?”

Those were the first words I heard as I was getting wheeled into the emergency room. There was no way Tobi could have known.

As they parked the bed, the doctors tried to ask me some questions. I roughly remember what I said.
Soon there was a drip going into my forearm and I felt myself drifting off again. The last thing I remember was motioning weakly to Tobi who was sitting next to me, he rode up and stood over me.
I sheepishly whispered

“Kamal.”

He looked confused. I whispered again

“Call Kamal”

When I woke up about 5hours later, Tobi and Kamal were sitting on opposite sides of the bed, flanking me.
I could feel the tension between them. It was like a cloud over the open bed space.
Tobi must have used my Face ID to get into my phone which was what I expected anyways and Kamal, while worried about me, must have not understood why Tobi was there.

I slowly sat up and said

“Have you two met?”

Tobi shook his head and said

“I just called him like you asked”

My lips were chapped and my throat was dry. I swallowed hard and said

“Thank you”

I looked over at Kamal and smiled before continuing

“I told you to call Kamal because he knew my medication and would have been able to tell the doctors”

Kamal jumped in and said

“Yes, I told them already and they gave you a drip and a refill, you should be good to leave here later tonight or tomorrow if you want”

I slid back into the bed.
I could tell that Tobi was dying inside, I could see it on his face. He didn’t know why I fainted and here I was asking another man to come and meet us at the hospital. But, I was not about to explain at that time. I was too weak.
He tried to hold it together for a bit and then he said

“Hey- So I have to go and take care of some work stuff.
Will you let me know when you get discharged?”

I nodded.
He leaned in gave me a hug and then that “man” nod to Kamal before walking out.

As he walked out, I turned to look at Kamal.
He smiled without saying anything. I asked

“What?”

He smiled and said

“Nothing o. You just know how to pick them”

Slightly embarrassed, I replied

“I didn’t even do anything”

He smiled even more and said

“Yeah right, you never do”

He continued and said

“How are you feeling? I was worried when I got the call”

I looked down on the bed and said

“I’m fine to be honest, I just didn’t take my meds because I couldn’t find them.
But I’m good honestly”

He said

“Are you sure?”

I nodded and said

“You know me, I’m good”

He said okay and then he asked

“Are we still on for this weekend, now that you have decided to put me in a death scare”

I replied

“Ori e” – translates to “Your head” before continuing to say

“Honestly, I should be good with a day of rest and icing my head. I think I hit it on the bed when I fell.
Hurts like a MF”

He replied and said

“Lmaooooo its because your head is so big”

If I could have punched him, I totally would have.

…..

As we pulled up to the venue, I noticed that he still had his drink in the door of the car.

“You’re supposed to have finished drinking that already?”

I whined.
He smiled, picked up the bottle and downed what was left of it. I knew it was going to be a good night.
We walked to the venue and I suggested that we grab drinks before the show started.
We snuck into the connected bar and sat by the bar.

His eyes kept wandering as he was amazed by the setup. There were video games everywhere.
We ordered our drinks and I saw him googling “Mario Kart games on PlayStation 4”. Such a big kid.
I asked the bartender to surprise me with my drink and I think he ordered a Red Bull.
We took our drinks and headed into the venue, the show was about to start.
As we approached the door, we got stopped and were told to get our tickets at the box office. So we walked all the way back to the front, got the tickets and then headed in.

I could tell how handsome he looked by the stank eyes most of the ladies flashed at me. He kept beaming that smile behind me and I was all here for it.
We sat right next to each other but he turned my seat, so my back was to him and we faced the stage.
The entire show, bar when he was on his phone, his hands were on my bum.
I couldn’t wait for us to get out of there.

The show was fun. Lots of laugh, improv nights are always my favorite.
We walked out talking about threesomes – we had seen a lady with a beautiful butt. So beautiful.
I can’t remember who suggested it but we ended up at a club, a few drinks and fist pumping, I was ready to go. I had wanted to jump his bones since I picked him up at the airport.
As we walked out, I noticed this white girl who had come up to me in the club.

She was sitting down on the floor with a cup of ice.
I asked

“What happened? You left me in there”

She was so drunk and even attempting to respond to me, she knocked over her cup of ice and she looked so distraught. I felt bad but I rushed out of there so quick!
We made it to the car and I couldn’t wait to get us home. He was playing music and we were having a great time in the car and then he asked

“How far away from the house are we?”

I nonchalantly replied

“About 5 minutes”

He smiled and once we hit a red light, he leaned over and kissed me.
Then he slid his left hand up my skirt. I couldn’t concentrate.
My legs started shaking and my breathing short. He slid my panties to the side and began rubbing my clit.
I was squirming while trying to keep the car steady.
What the fuck?
I could feel the chills rising up my back. I wanted to close my eyes and let go but we were almost home.
I remember veering out of my lane and my car beeping to alert me.
I was alert alright, my pussy was ready for a beating.
To cap it off, he removed his hand, looked at me and licked my juices off his fingers.

As we pulled in the parking lot, I quickly parked.
I could hear Lil Wayne’s verse on The Motto playing in the background as he reclined my seat.
He leaned in as if he was about to kiss me. I was wrong.
He reached up my skirt and pulled my panties down.
Kissed me on the forehead and hopped out of the car.
I was soooooooo angry!
Like wtf?!

I gathered myself, pulled my skirt down and hopped out of the car.
There he was standing in the middle of the parking lot, all 6’3 260lbs of him. His left hand was to his face.
As I got closer, I realized he was holding my panties to his nose.
We entered my apartment and he sat down on the couch, I made him a drink and pulled down his pants.
I was ready to go.

His moans were my favorite part. His hands running through my hair as he cursed and told me

“This is the best head ever”

My inner thot smiled.
I stroked and slurped down his shaft, soaking his balls and drinking on to my leather couch.
I wanted all of him deep in my throat and in my guts.
He tried to fight it but wasn’t very successful.
He went silent as I stroked his dick with my left hand and juggled his balls with my right hand.
He pushed me off and walked me back to the room.

He climbed on the bed and laid on his back.
I climbed on the bed and planted my pussy on his face before leaning forward and taking in his dick – 69.
It was wet on both ends of the coast as we feasted on each other.
He pushed me off as I came and was about to lean into me, there is a full length mirror at the foot of my bed, I caught a glimpse of myself.
As I laid down, I spread my legs wide. He lowered his member into me and started slow.
Cupping my head in his hand and protecting it from the head board, he thrust in and out.
The pace picked up and my profanity did as well.
He was hitting it right.
His grip on my thighs was as hot as the depths his dick was exploring.
I could see the hunger in his eyes.
He pounded me like candied yams. I was loving it.

When he flipped me over, I was ready.
I arched my back and tooted my ass towards him. He smiled and slide into me.
I could still feel how wet his balls were as they slammed into my clit.
He grabbed the shit out of my waist and he went to work. It was as if we hadn’t seen each other in 3 months.
He kept at it and so did I, throwing it back like a third draft of a senior thesis.

I could feel welling up and getting ready with his canon.
So I wrapped my legs around his butt.
He was leaning all the way into me, I was almost falling off the bed as he pounded my pleading pussy.
I wanted it. More of it.
All of it.
He didn’t stop.
I wouldn’t let him stop.
Just as he was about to let go, I looked back, damn near from the floor and yelled

“Fill me up”

Boom.
He grunted.
Moaned and pumped me full of his warm seed.
I lay there for a few minutes as he curled up next to me panting for air.
I turned over and said

“Where are my panties?”

He smiled and said

“You’re never getting them back”

It was going to be a long weekend and I was going to enjoy every minute of it.
I rolled over in the bed as he got up and headed to the bathroom.

The lights went on and then he said

“The condom broke”

 

Welcome to my first series of 2019! Expect a lot more this year. That’s all I’m saying.
Oh also, please leave me a comment and share your thoughts. Thanks!

 

PLEASE COMMENT. 

~Part 2 drops next Saturday! Do not miss it~

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Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

#SanmiSaturdays

© 2019 #WhatTheHeckMan

#WhatTheHeckMan · #WordsofWednesday · African · African Fiction · African Stories · Art · Bloggers · Drama · Erotica · Fiction · Life · Nigerian Writers · Oakland · Poetry · Sex · Stories · TheRants · Uncategorized

Against Counsel

 

“Mummy, buy groundnut?
Mummy, buy from me ma. It’s fresh one”

The little boy hawked his bottled ground nuts to me. I could see the desperation in his eyes.
This was his livelihood. He had to sell.
I so badly wanted to get him out of his reality but was that really my place?

“How much?

I asked

“tiri (three) hundred naira ma”

I handed him a thousand naira note.
He took a quick glance at it and then said

 

“Mummy, I no get change ma”

I smiled and said

“No worry. Keep am”

His face lit up and he almost jumped in place with shock written all over his face.
He tried to hand me the bottle of ground nut.
I said

“I no want”

He looked even more surprised and said

“But you just pay for am mummy..”

I nodded and said

“I know. But I no dey chop am”

He finally got it
He knelt down on the hot tar in Lagos traffic and thanked me

“God go bless you madam. Anything you day find, God go day bless you”

I smiled as I rolled up the window in the back of my car.
I looked up at the driver and the traffic still ahed of us.
This was the part I hated and loved about Lagos.
Moments like this in traffic, I could think and gather my thoughts but also get consumed by thoughts that I should avoid.

“Hello… aha aha! Can’t you hear me?”

I could hear my sister and best friend Abike speaking, through my headphones.
I replied

“Abike, why are you shouting?”

She hissed and said

“It’s your people in your family that are shouting”

We both laughed as I said

“I keep telling you I’m adopted. All of them in your family are not okay.
We are almost there sha”

She replied and said

“Okay. Jide just walked in with the kids sef.”

I smiled.
I was getting to see my babies.
My sister had two adorable little girls and I love them like they are mine.
They just bring me so much joy.

“I think we should be there in 10 minutes, I’ll call you when we are outside”

….

As I stepped out of the car, Wonuola (6) and Wuraola (4) both rushed towards my outstretched arms.
I gave them big hugs as their smiles lit up my world.
They just seemed so full of love and I needed that.
After long weeks and life draining all of what I had left, I would often stop by and just spend time with two people that saw me as a superhero.

Sitting in the living room, they ran rings around Jide and Abike. I loved every minute of it.
The two hours I spent with them made up for everything I had lost all week.
As I left, I gave Abike a hug and she handed me my gele (African Head Tie) and said

“Next week o!
I’ll come to the Island and we can go”

She was referring to a family friends birthday part that I was going to need the head tie for.
I hooped in the back of the car and my driver backed out of their house.

As we made our way to my next meeting, my mind raced.
Spending time with my nieces always reminded me of my own reality.
I am extremely happy for my sister in motherhood and watching my nieces fills me with so much joy.
But I always leave asking when will it be my turn.
I wanted to be a mother. I want to be a mother.
I’ve been married for 9 years and been waiting on God to bless my home with children.

 

I run my marriage counseling outfit and my husband is an engineer with one of the top firms in the country.
Money is not the problem but a 5 bedroom house feels empty very quickly when there is no one running through the halls.
I just celebrated my 36th birthday and I was subtly reminded that I didn’t have any children as people had to find sitters or some canceled because of children related obligations.
It’s a difficult reality.

 

I was very absent from the meeting.
Physically present but my mind was elsewhere. The meeting was just to finalize the budget for my company and get my signature.
30minutes later, I was walking out of the conference room and heading into my office.
My assistant closely followed me behind, she said

“Ma, we need to reschedule the Odufalu’s appointment”

I looked at her and said

“Schedule it and put it on my calendar. Okay?”

She nodded as I picked up some documents and headed out of the office.
Back into the car I went and on to the next stop.

…..

I snatched my purse and rushed out of the car. I was trying to be really quiet as I snuck into the waiting room.
My husband Tobias was sitting on his phone.
I sat next to him placing my purse on my lap as I said

“Sorry I’m late”

He was on a phone call but he smiled and leaned in to give me a kiss.
He ended the call a few seconds later and turned to me
He said

“How are they?”

I beamed and replied

“Beautiful as always”

as I pulled out my phone to show him a video I had taken of my nieces from earlier in the day.
We laughed together and then we got called in for our appointment.

Couples therapy.
As a therapist, I fought the idea for the longest time. I felt like it was a personal smear on my part and a sign of failure.
My husband is a good man.
The thoughtful kind.
The “I intentionally do just because shit for you” kind. A protector and a great listener.
But 9 years of childlessness can begin to take its toll. The pressures from both of our families began to weigh on us.
I went from being really vivacious and expressive to being reclusive.
He became the opposite, needing to step up and show up for me in the face of our families.
There was still a lot of love between us.
But something was missing.

 

“I just don’t always know how to talk to her anymore.
Like it feels like we recycle the same subjects that frustrate us. We want a child. But we can make one out of salt, can we?…

…I know she feels responsible and holds a lot of that on herself but I just wish she would know that I love her deeply and nothing can take that away.”

He finished as he looked over my way and the therapist turned to me to respond.
I sighed and rubbed my thighs before saying

“Yes, I do feel responsible.
I have sleepless nights and I see he is withdrawn and it scares me.
I know he loves me but we all have needs. I know he is about to be 40 and pictured being a dad years ago.
I daily feel a sense of guilt and I worry that one day, I might not be enough for him anymore.”

The therapist said

“Tobias, what do you have to say about how she feels?”

He turned to me and held my hand,

“Babe, you are one of the best things to ever happen to me.
I thank God for allowing you to say yes to me every day. I really really love you.
And I don’t want you t forget that. I know our communication has not been great lately but I guess that is why we are doing this together.
I can promise you that I will never leave you for any other woman and I will do my best to make sure our communication is much better”

I smiled and I could feel the honesty in his voice.
It was only our third session but I felt good about it as we walked out.
He pulled me in close and gave me a really big kiss.
I felt it in my spine. As I pulled away, I said

“You are lucky I am heading to the airport, otherwise, we would have for sure made a baby tonight”

He laughed and smacked my bum as I walked to my car.

“I love you”

I shouted across the way as I entered the car.
He turned and said

“I love you too…. Let me know when you get to Ghana”

……

One of my old clients, owned a school in Accra and she invited me to hold a talk for the girls at her school.
The talk was about women empowerment and being able to chase their dreams.

So that Saturday morning, we had a breakfast breakout sessions with the girls.
It was engaging and inspiring.
I felt like I was learning so much from these beautiful young women.
They spoke about their goals and dreams in a way that I hoped my nieces would, some day.

Some spoke about family pressures, the lack of representation in the fields they wanted to explore.
But I felt like I offered my story as an example of powering through and finding your voice.

I was feeling very good and while I was scheduled to stay in Accra till Monday morning, I was missing Tobias.
So on Sunday morning, I headed to the airport and luckily enough, I was able to get on a flight.
As I landed, I headed straight for the church. I was hoping to surprise my husband by joining him at church.
The second service was wrapping up when I got there but he was nowhere in sight.
I called his phone and no answer. I figured he was probably at home watching football and decided not to go to church because I wasn’t there to bother him into going.

 

As the Uber pulled into the driveway, his car was not there.
Mine was parked under the outdoor garage canopy, so I thought he must have headed out with his boys.
I opened the door and set down my suitcase at the foot of the stairway. I placed my purse next to it and kicked off my shoes.
Turning right, I headed into the kitchen when I poured myself a glass of wine. I could hear noises from our bedroom.
It was the television.
I remember chuckling and just thinking that this man was here ignoring my calls and watching football.

Hitting the landing upstairs, I heard my husband say

“Babe”

And I responded while opening the door

“Yes my King”

His eyes grew big and he said

“Shit!”

as he scrambled to get covered.
I asked

“Whats wrong babe?”

He couldn’t speak but he didn’t need to.
Seconds later, a butt-ass naked young man walked into the room with his semi hard penis dangling.
I felt my heart hit the bottom of my stomach.
My husband of 9 years with a naked man in my matrimonial bed.
WhatTheHeckMan!

Against Counsel by The Wordsmith @adewus4real

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© 2017 #WhatTheHeckMan

 

 

#WhatTheHeckMan · #WordsofWednesday · African · Art · Bloggers · Drama · Erotica · Fiction · Life · Nigerian Writers · Oakland · Poetry · Sex · Stories · TheRants · Uncategorized

The Man, The Shadow: Diary of a Lost Soul

the-man-the-shadow

The Man, The Shadow: Diary of a Lost Soul

I’ve lost
I’ve gained
My life has changed
Nothing is the same
Scars and pains
Crossed our names
Regret and shame
A dawn of a new age
The past feels like a burden
It all spun out in a sudden
There are memories to grasp
Some that will hold you back
As I stare in this pool of tears and laughs
I flash back
To a time where it all laid flat
No mountains to climb
Or valleys that doubled as death traps
A lair for an ambush
An open forum to disseminate the truth
This is life
This is the bread that hardens in the sunlight
Tasteless
It rips and shreds
Like dried rose petals
The colors bloom and then fade
One thing remains
Me
I’ve loved and lost
I’ve tried again and wanted more
But life is like a revolving door
Some in and others out before a new dawn
I’ve lost while in love
And there is more and more
This is me
The one that matters at the end of it all

          I woke up as the convoy pulled into the house. There is a notorious bump in the driveway to my grandaunt’s house that cars always had to go over as we arrived. It woke me up and I looked around.
We were home.
I wasn’t the only one asleep on the ride from Lagos to my hometown, Ilawe Ekiti.
That 4hour drive had always been gruesome and painful but since I moved out of Nigeria, it was more bearable.
I actually looked forward to it now since I didn’t get a chance to come back home often.

We all dismounted the car as I stretched. The maid Monsurat, ran out and came to greet us. There was a beaming smile on her face. Pure joy.
Monsurat, now a college graduate, began to work for my grandmother when she was 14. I was 10.
I remember her going to a day school closer to the house while we were at “better” schools.
My aunt made sure that she got an education while also taking her under her wing as both of her parents were extremely poor.
She was so happy to see us. Hugs as we made our way into the house, the beautiful aroma of the traditional Isapa soup greeted us.
I could hear the Iyan (Pounded yam) getting made in the back of the house.
Memories.

My grandmother was not home. Apparently she was out running errands with one of my aunts as preparations for my cousins wedding drew to a close.
From far and near, the house filled up by nighttime. I woke up from my nap on the living room couch to a new wave of arrivals.
My cousins the Adesina’s, had just arrived. Their family was the first to hit wealth in our extended unit. My aunt Bunmi, married an oil magnate in the late 70’s and six children came as a result. The last two are much closer to me in age but the rest are distant in age and interactions.
Her last born was getting married, Jolade. She was the last born and only girl my aunt had, you can imagine how spoiled she was.
We couldn’t stand her growing up but she very quickly grew into a phenomenal woman, and at 28 she is one that we are all really proud of.

“Meji! It’s been a minute”

She called out as she hugged me tightly. She was like a big sister to me.
Warm and always very protective especially during my secondary school days as we went to the same school. Our family had connections at one of the finest local boarding schools. So it was almost a rite of passage to get your life experience there.

“Mj, you look good!
Team beard gang now I see? You better shave it before they think you are part of Boko Haram o”

I smiled back and said

“So you want me to cut it tonight? So I can be fresh faced for your wedding this weekend?”

I laughed as she squeezed her face in disapproval.

“You better don’t try it. I need you giving them sultry looks at the wedding. Let those young girls know we have fine men in our family!”

I nodded and smiled hard as someone hugged her and moved her along.
Side conversations were happening as the living room was filled up. It was out of the corner of my eye that I noticed Juwon.
He is Jolade’s immediate older brother and the terrier of the family. And for a few reasons he did not like me.
This I understood very well and I always played my part in avoiding interactions with him. But that day it almost boiled over.
I was walking back from getting Suya (Skewered meat with spices) with another one of my cousins. As we made our way into the compound, I could hear someone on the phone but it was dark, so I couldn’t make out the face.
Nearing person, I realized it was Juwon. As we walked past him, I heard him hiss very loudly.
I had every intention to let it slide but something in me refused to let it be.
I stopped and as I was about to turn around, my other cousin with me said

“Mj, let it be”

My family called me Mj because as a kid, I loved Michael Jackson and I would mime all his songs but also because it was a cool shortening of my actual name.
I turned and said

“Sola, I go meet you inside”

I don’t know if it was the palm wine I drank at the suya joint but I walked up to Juwon and said

“Hey, what the fuck is your problem?”

Now for context, Juwon is about 8 years older than me.
He ended the call and said

“Do you know who the fuck you are talking to?”

I scoffed and said

“Juwon, we aint kids no more and you are not in charge of shit around here. I have kept my mouth shut all these years out of respect for your sister and this family. But best believe that if you cross me, I don’t care how old you are, I will fuck you up.
You don’t know me and lets keep it that way”

He seemed visibly taken back but gathered himself to say

“You kept your mouth shut because you have dirt too and that doesn’t change the fact that I am not your mate”

I moved up closer to him till there was only about an inch of space between us and I said

“Listen to me clearly, don’t fuck with me”

As my last word tailed off, I heard the generator in the back of the house roar and noticed one of my uncles and my mom walking through the main gate.

“Ki le yin se ninu okunkun eyin boys”
“what are you boys doing in the dark out here”

My mom said as they walked into the house. My mom put her hand on my head and playfully rubbed it as all four of us walked back into the house.
She knew what had almost happened. There were secrets within our family.
And almost everyone had a chapter they tucked away.

……

The next day was a Thursday. It was in the evening as we did a “meet and greet” of extended families.
The grooms family, mostly staying in hotels in the area, came to the house.
Just think of a huge barbecue with a catered chef and unlimited drinks.
Some more of our family members had arrived and it was beginning to seem like a struggle to keep track.

But it was a good time. Good music, good vibes and just all round fun with everyone.
I was even beginning to notice some beautiful women on the grooms side, this union seemed like the beginning of a fruitful partnership. 😊

I think it was because I was at home and there were upwards of 80 people there but I wasn’t keeping track of how much I was drinking.
I was getting really tipsy and usually when I do, I get really quiet. Which is exactly what I did.
My vision was blurry as I tried to look at my phone.
I rose and told my cousin Sola that I was going to lay down for a bit and come back.

I made my way into the house and towards my room. Sola and I were sharing that room.
As I opened the door the lights invited themselves into the room without knocking.
Creeping through the lines in the curtains, they allowed me to take in enough of the view laid bare before me.
It was her.
Her curves, her smile shined bright in the dimly lit room. She got up and leaned in to kiss me.
One kiss.
And I moved to kissing her around her neck. Holding the back of her head in my left hand, my wet tongue canvassed her neck as she moaned into my left ear.

My right hand rummaged through quickly and found safety within her blouse.
Alternating between soft and firm squeezes of her breasts, my hand cupped them with love and control.
She moaned some more.
The kisses got fainter and I soon flipped her over.

Back lifted, I pulled down her panties faster than I downed the drinks from earlier.
A few more kisses around her navel and my lips met with hers.
It was sweet and wet.
The more I kissed them passionately, the more they flooded the creases around my teeth.
The cavity of my mouth was filled up with her juices.
My tongue worked tirelessly getting to know her.
My brain orchestrated my tongue as I twisted and turned exploring her depths.
Deeper and deeper I went, searching for things words could not express. She moaned faintly but the blasting music from outside drowned out her voice.

There is a dedication to the way I explored her pink.
The layers, the moist, the ability to command my attention; I loved it all.
My throbbing member, laid in waiting, joined the party.
The condom proving the thinest and most important barrier between us and newness, I dug deep.
Thrusting and grinding, I slid in and out.

Minutes passed and over I turned her.
From the back, it seemed like I saw all of her.
Flaws and all, I identified her reaches, highs and lows.
As she threw all of herself back into me, it felt like I was meeting her again.
Reintroducing myself without saying my name.
Her moans signified agreement as I pulled her hair and she bit down on my fingers.
Harder, I pounded as the pain coursed through my hands and into my widened hips.
Her head tilted all the way back, her moans were laced with profane words as my balls offered a steady sensitivity that I refused to offer outside of the bed.
And in time, I came.
A kiss on her back. I slid out of her and stood up.
Condom off, lights in the bathroom soon went on.
I wrapped the condom in some toilet paper and flushed it down the toilet.
Turning the faucet on, to cold water, I stroked my still upright member as I dabbed on some hand soap into the mix.
It only took a few minutes and I was satisfied with the wash down.
And then it happened.
I saw me.
As I glanced into the mirror, I was washed with disgust.
At myself and the emptiness in the sexual encounter I had just authorized.
I stood there and watched the sweat still dripping down my chest and shook my head.
A flick of the wrist and the scene closed out.
I headed back into the room and there she was, gently snoring away.

I snuck into my bed and laid on my chest.
I finally caught my breath and right before I could think, she wrapped her hands around me and snuggled up close to me.
I cringed.
Don’t get me wrong. I liked her.
But for some reason, I hated when she touched me.
I was so tired though, a few minutes later, I was gone.
Knocked out.

You know when you are asleep and in a dream but hearing things from your reality? Like your mom’s really loud voice calling your name or your aunt shouting

“Monsurat, Monsurat”

around the house.
It took me a few seconds before I jumped out of my sleep. Startling the lady that was sleeping on me.
She looked at me in shock as she gathered herself and I tried to apologize without being too loud.
Then my aunt yelled out again as she knocked on doors

“Monsurat!”

I turned to my right and my eyes grew big. Hers too.
Oh no!
#WhatTheHeckMan

End of Part 1

Welcome to your first rollercoaster ride of 2017. Buckle up, it gets bumpy! 😊 If you’re mad at that ending, leave me a comment .

Thank you for READING. PLEASE COMMENT, it boosts my intensity and feedback is always welcome! ❤️

It’s Part 1 of The Man, The Shadow: Diary of a Lost Soul by The Wordsmith @adewus4real
PART 2 drops next Saturday!
Stay up

Follow @adewus4real

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

#WordsOfWednesday
© 2017 #WhatTheHeckMan

#WhatTheHeckMan · #WordsofWednesday · African · Art · Bloggers · Drama · Fiction · Life · Nigerian Writers · Oakland · Poetry · Sex · Stories · TheRants · Uncategorized

I Cheated. I Lied….So What?!

I Cheated. I Lied….So What?!

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11:54 pm Tuesday.
It wasn’t even on my radar to write a #WordsOfWednesday this week but God has a way of getting things out there.

I want to share some insight to someone out there. Hopefully, my story might teach someone a thing or two. I have an email to reply, but at this moment, this is heavy on my chest.
I was briefly talking to someone about 2016, she gleaned about how it was a great year for her, and I just smiled and nodded.
I hated 2016.
I hated the 2016 version of myself.
Here’s why.

I once told someone who I have known for a while who happened to be mad at me for writing about my life instead of sharing, that it is sometimes easier to talk to a stranger than to your kin.
I love sharing me with you all because well, it’s me.
I feel like I am finally back to the reason why I started this blog in the first place, to let my heart out.

I wrote last year about not loving on E but also not settling for less than…
So this is me…well the old version of me.
I liked talking to different women at once.
Truth? It was intoxicating.
One wouldn’t answer the phone, so I had another wanting to talk. One didn’t seem to care, 2 others were begging to show they cared.
It was nice to know that you would post a picture or something and 4 people will respond or things like that.
That was “cool”.
But the real reason was that it allowed me to stay ahead, see I would spread myself, parts of me across these women and prevent any of them truly being able to fully know me.
You were always close enough but never there.

Why you ask?
I hate to be cliche, but it was for fear of being hurt.
So never fully allowing yourself to open up.
Side effect? 4 eventually broken hearts. Or whatever the number was.
I fell in love with fear. It consumed me.
My birthday is coming up and I’m deciding between having a dinner or going to do something solo.
I have started reflecting. My words for 2017 are “Peace, Happiness, Purpose and Impact.”
I do not want to end this year with nothing to show for it. My purpose will be actualized, and subsequently, my impact will be felt.

12:06am
So why did I tell you about myself before? 2 reasons.
I was talking to my beautiful mother, who was advising me on love and relationships.
I was telling her of the “deadweight” I dropped last year and what not.
She laughed.
She said “they weren’t deadweight. You just picked bags that weren’t yours to carry.”
I was stunned.

Imagine yourself waiting at baggage claim after a flight. The bags start filing out, and you grab one that looks like yours off the conveyor belt. As you set it down, before you even realize its not your bag, someone comes over and takes it from you.
It’s their bag. You look down and realize its really theirs but you have now expended effort in carrying it off the belt, but it’s not yours.

That was what I did the most of in 2016.
I met someone at the end of 2015, I just wanted to be friends, and we got close very fast.
She is amazing in her own way. Personality wise, we might not see eye to eye, but I know she comes from a good place.
Eventually, she told me she had feelings for me. Now because I was so set in my ways, I refused.
I wouldn’t budge.
The more she tried to love me, the more I pushed back. Till we broke.
I found that because I didn’t love myself at the time, the “love” the person(s) had to give was just annoying to me.
So I fought back.
But I would always circle back to the question that troubled me, “why me?”

I was barely showing my real self to anyone, so why would you love me?
Why?
I hypothesized. Maybe they wanted the facade or the man they thought they knew.
The thing that hurt the most about the man I was in that time, I neglected the ones I actually loved.
My friend Ninz for example. This is a public and unsolicited apology to her
But that woman has been a rock for a nigga in some troubling times.
Annoying as she is, she is just flat out amazing.
Never told her enough.
But I was so distracted by carrying others peoples bags that I didn’t know when the bottom fell out on hers and those of others around me like Bola and Ifeanyi.

2014-2015; I was a bleeding man.
So concerned with staying ahead of the curve, I would never allow myself to feel too much.
And even when I felt, I felt for broken people who I could patch up instead of fixing myself.
But towards the end of 2016, as I came out of my surgery, I realized that what I mostly needed was me and a stronger relationship with God.
I was worshipping and being functional with him, but I was losing myself.

When you are not ready for love someone has to give you, everything they do will be annoying and overbearing.
You will find it hard to call or text.
And when they complain you will want to pull your hair out.
Listen y’all I fucked up some in 2016.

There a few people that I wish I dug deeper and called a bit more.
Asked about their well being or even listened a bit more.
But here is the catch, you can’t do that for everyone.
So the ones that are truly your friends are the ones that deserve that treatment.
Some people have walked out of my life right now, and while I miss the times we shared, I don’t miss them.
Why?
Because they never brought anything to me anyways. Doesn’t make them horrible people but its the truth.
I urge you. Do not be primarily a taker/receiver and do not be just a giver.
Find a balance.

I pray that I have the grace to continue to give without expecting anything. Pay it forward.
You will not please everyone, and you will keep everyone.
But do not lose the core of your team, trying to please the players on another team.
In some cases, less is more.
Be responsible for you also.
If someone is giving, you love that you know you don’t want, RUN.
Of if you mind is trying to tell you to save someone, RUN.

Sometimes the person that needs saving the most in that time is you.
Don’t waste time tweeting “Don’t settle for this or that. Or you deserve this or that.”
If you are still doing that, you are dwelling on the old, and you need to let that shit GO.
Nnenna used to say, she hated the fact that I allowed people that I would not invite to my family home, claim to know me.
I finally understand what she meant.
Trying to save the passengers that were never meant to go the full ride, I crashed the ship.

I like where I am in 2017.
Fewer people to worry about, focused on goals and making changes that are needed.
There is only one person, I am focusing on now, and I love it.
But also my happiness is the priority.
I have a few friends and a lot of people that love me.
My goal is to not lose sight of them. I cheated on them and on myself.

Punishing myself with temporary pleasures and short-lived highs.
When I have people that love me unconditionally that I can build lasting forevers with.
To everyone that tried to love me when I didn’t want to be loved, thank you!
I truly mean it.
And I am sorry it took me so long to appreciate it.
To the ones that have loved me and wondered who or where I was, I’m back!
Scarred and broken but better.
So here is my love and my heart to my friends, my loved ones and to you all that read, COMMENT and support. Thank you.
2017 is ours.
We grow, we learn, we thrive.
I cheated…on me…but we gon be alright!

It’s #WordsOfWednesday by The Wordsmith @adewus4real
Stay up!

My New Series will be out on 2.4.17
Please watch this space! It will be fire! My best work yet. I PROMISE YOU!

Follow @adewus4real

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

#WordsOfWednesday
© 2017 #WhatTheHeckMan

#WhatTheHeckMan · #WordsofWednesday · African · Art · Bloggers · Drama · Erotica · Fiction · Life · Nigerian Writers · Oakland · Poetry · Sex · Stories · TheRants · Uncategorized

Pain & Pleasure in Feeling #WordsOfWednesday

 

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It is 7:03pm.
I just walked into the house. I flicked on the lights with my right hand, turned to my left and headed into the hallway. There, I turned on the heater and set my knee brace down in my room.

I wonder where my ring is. I usually wear it on the middle finger of my right hand but I haven’t been able to find it for about two days now.
Oh well.

Sooo… now I am sitting on the floor of my living room. The heater is blowing too loud to my left.
My feet are crossed.
The next words are being typed and here we are.

Something I have enjoyed about writing is it allows me to talk , spill my heart even when my mouth is shut.

Christmas is in a few days and I don’t feel the spirit nor do I feel festive but it will be nice to have a long weekend.
Every year for the last few years, I have sat down and written who and what I have been thankful for.

This year was harder.
I wrote about most of it in my last piece but I think I finally realized what I was thankful for.
By losing so much, I realized how much I gained.
There is a similar feeling I have right now, to the one I had at the end of last year.
So yes, I have told myself, that I let myself down.

But I realized, you don’t have to please anybody but your family and God.
Truly.
I spent so much time trying to be politically correct and “right” for folks that won’t deserve it.
Also, realizing that you are all you’ve got. At the end of the day, when the chips are down, all you really need is you.
So 2017 is about getting better with self, purpose, art and God.
Focus and channel your strength into all those things.

One thing I realized was that, intentionally or unintentionally, the things I channeled the most effort into are the things I succeeded at this year.
Keep your circle small. Keep your head down. And just be the best you.
Those goals you have lined out for 2017, chase those harder than anything out there.
Pray about them. Chase them. Pursue those goals.
2016, I am thankful for painful lessons.
I tried to love this year. I did.
Infant, I might have loved or at least what felt like it.
Truth is this, if you are not totally ready in 2017 and beyond, stay single. Tattoo it to your forehead and enjoy your time.
If you are not filled up, you will have nothing to give.
Ultimately you will hurt yourself and those you might even have intentions of loving.

Be true to you.
Protect your peace.
Cherish your happiness.
Do your best to show the people you genuinely love AND those that truly LOVE YOU, the best care you can.
Never give up on yourself. Even when others give up on you.
Cry if you have to and then get up.

It is okay to be alone, as long as you are happy and fulfilled.
Stress should be a thing of the past.
Do not deal with folks that hover for chaos.
Let your passions and purpose direct your path.
I know this piece is a bit all over the the place but it’s reflective of my mood right now.

2016. What a bloody wawuuuuu….

Parents
Thank you for always reminding me that I have you and I have God.
My mom would always redirect it back to place of safety in Christ. It was so hard to admit to her that I felt like I lost a bit of my way but truly grateful for the unconditional love parents show.

Ninzlo
There is a gift of foresight that God has given you. It is amazing.
So many times this year, you could have justifiably said
“Sanmi, I told you” or “I warned you”
I know you sometimes desperately want to but thank you for not.
Thank you for being a listening ear for holding me up. Praying for and with me.
Standing by me even when I have doubted my art, my truth, myself.
You are real one and I pray for a bigger 2017 for you.
It’s already loading anyways. Baba God no dey sleep! But you are still very annoying!

 

BeingBola
Man, so much of this year, you were everything. The aftermath of the fire.
When I felt depression creeping back in, even when I couldn’t verbalize. The thankless things you did. The morning voice notes of prayer.
When you would fight for me and pull me up.
This one is hard because of where things are now. But I trust God and I trust his word.
I pray for a better 2017 for you. And I pray he truly grants all your hearts desires. And I pray you find love.
And someone that you will feel safe to let go. And someone that will never give up on you.

 

Echeme
You are like a silent pillar.
2016, you were a bit scarce. More than you have been in recent years. A lot happened for you too but life in general was a challenge that we overcome. I always feel a sense of warmth and grounding when I talk to you.
We haven’t had one of those “hit your core” talks in a min. Now you ran and went to Nigeria. Useless.
I am happy for you and your love. It reminds me of a time and now inspires me back to a place I once knew.
Thanks brother.

 

AyoB
Man!
There is a level of vulnerability that came with meeting you and beginning to know you.
You are truly a gift. Somehow you have your way. The way you challenge me, I don’t get to slouch or have the easy route. I truly appreciate that.
And you steady giving them!
You have brought so much light to my path this year and I pray the same for you in 2017. Thank you so much.

 

Itafe
Yoooooooooooooooo. Where would I be without you?
You are just a pleasure in my life. A true definition of a brother.
A blessing.
You make me laugh effortlessly and you ALWAYS put a smile on my face.
Your advice, your humility and your honesty is so refreshing. You are truly one of the good guys.
And I am thankful for you. Like gahhh.. aint gonna cry but I love you bro.

 

D-O
I don’t think you have decided if you want to stay in my life and stop stressing me out or stay and keep stressing me out. Lol
But make up your damn mind!
Me I don tire o.
You were an unlikely confidant, one that I would sometimes even forget to thank but you have been truly amazing. Thank you for all of the times you weren’t fighting me lol

Mallamsawyer
There is an energy you bring. Genuineness in interactions that I admire.
You make people around you feel really good. And that is what I aspire to be always. We met on July 2nd and every interaction I have had with you since then has been positive. You might not even have realized it.
So thank you for your telling mark. It has been a blessing.
And to everyone new that I have met that is becoming more important in my life as the days go by, I appreciate you all. OO, TJ, Pepe, Jua,

For a long time, I spent 2016 trying to feel sorry for the things I lost but I had to become thankful for so much more.
For lessons, perspective, growth and the love of those that matter.
You won’t believe that it can get better but it does.
it really does.

Let thanksgiving never depart from your mouth.
There will be tears of overwhelm and of joy. But amongst all things, give thanks!
There is so much to look forward to in 2017!
No jokes!

I will be back to giving you monthly series. #TheRants will only be more impactful.
The book will finally come out. And that web series is definitely being worked on.
So trust me when I say 2017 is mine. It’s ours.
Its for #TheRants. Its for positive and powerful people.

It is for #WhatTheHeckMan

Check out my weekend offering. I will be releasing a one part story this Saturday. See the flyer below.

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Till next time ladies and gentlemen!
Bless Up!
7:38pm

Follow @adewus4real

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

#SanmiSaturdays

© 2016 #WhatTheHeckMan

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#WhatTheHeckMan · #WordsofWednesday · African · Bloggers · Drama · Fiction · Life · Oakland · Poetry · Sex · Stories · TheRants · Uncategorized

Réfléchir & Croître

Black Friday. Cyber Monday. Christmas Shopping. Annual Evals.

Resolution Review…

Time to balance the books…

 

Time to balance the books. It’s a #WhatTheHeckMan audit. So what’s ha’nning?

The end of the year often brings about reflection. Unwanted or preplanned, you find folks taking the time out to recollect and recount the year that has just gone by.
We find boxes to put things in.
Think of it like sorting through a giant box of undated photographs and trying to create albums that you then stuff under your bed or away in the hallway closet.

So here I am reflecting on what the year brought along with it.

Light It Up!

March 6th, 2016.
I remember sitting that evening by the water fountain and repeatedly saying

“The Devil is a liar”

I had a fantastic day that day before that moment. I gave a testimony at church, led worship and felt very lifted to be honest.
The Friday before that, I had gotten a promotion at my job.
I was so happy.
So when majority of my apartment went up in flames, I knew it was the devil trying to steal my joy.
I think I was in shock for the most part. I didn’t cry immediately.
I was in shock.

The following weeks were crazy.
The support and love from some people was amazing. It showed me the kinds of people I had in my corner.
Some were mad at me that they found out about the fire on social media and some were rallying around to support me.
Sleeping out of my house and trying to figure out how much I lost, I learned a lot in that time.
I truly thought I lost everything but something that truly stuck with me was the value in the people I loved.
They stayed close.
So in 2017, I plan to be a better friend and partner in 2017 to those that truly deserve it.

FriENDS.

Over the year, I battled.
Trying so hard to hold on to things. Picture walking into the groceries store and only needing one item but you stretch out your arms and fill them up with things you realize that you need.
But what happens now is that you’re carrying a lot, too much sometimes.

How I was in 2016 was like when you get home from the grocery store and you want to only make one trip from the car to the house.
So you are carrying twenty bags like your life depends on it. Your hands are hurting but you gotta only make one trip!
And then you end up in the house and realize you forgot one bag in the trunk! That one bag can be that really good friend that you ignored or forgot about this year.
I have a couple of those.

but this was also the year I said “Fuck Your Friendship” and meant it.
It was the year I got tired of glorified interactions. People you only interact with on a surface level that you give undeserving titles, like friends.
NOT EVERYBODY YOU CALL YOUR FRIEND IS YOUR FRIEND.

It was the year I realized that some people claim to be your friends off past experience.
And not merit.
Respect is earned, given and maintained.
EVERYDAY.
The people that care about you. Shouldn’t have to tell you everyday, but you shouldn’t doubt that they do either.
It was an eye opening year in that regard.
Be wary of friends that only want to talk to you about life when they hear “bad” things about you.
“Oh, I heard this today and I just wanted to come and talk to you first, because you know, you are my friend”
🙄
But the last time you spoke was 3weeks ago and it was because they heard something then too. Lol.
Now I’m not saying you have to be babied by your “friends” daily but you yourself, check yourself. If the only time you contacting someone is to talk about bad things, you might need to realign the kind of friend you are.
Friendships ended.
But if a friendship ends and the person is now out in the street dragging you at every chance they get, you have to tell yourself “Na me fuck up” for thinking you had sense to begin with.
There were some I literally said “fuck you” to, while knowing they were listening in.
Drop dead weight relationships or interactions. Sometimes we hold on to people because we are afraid of what our lives will look like without them but they are not even bringing anything to yours.
Don’t play yourself.
Only keep people that invest in you as often as you do them. No time for credit advance relationships.
#TheRants

What a blessing!
To have an outlet to create, explore and just share community with others.
I was/am/will be truly grateful for this year and the depths my show reached.
I bless God.
And I plan to work hard to bring better and bigger shows to those that love and support me.
Financial Responsibility

As I write this right now, my checking account is in negative $496.
I was out of work all of November and disability still aint come from post surgery.
So all my bills have hit, money long gone and savings vanished.
Nigeria on the horizon for many and I just dey here they pray.
I don’t say that for sympathy or whatever. Trust me, as much as I have many responsibilities as a first born, I was also financially irresponsible at certain times this year.
So I gotta do better for me and those relying on me.

You don’t realize who and what you are spending your hard earned money on, till the end of the road and you are looking back like what?!
LOL.

2017, I need to save better and have more residual income.
So if it aint making money, cut ittttttt.

God

Man.
I let God down so much this year.
It’s insane.
“As much as it your responsibility to not bring shame to your family name, you shouldn’t bring reproach to God’s name.”

If someone insults God because of who you are, you are somewhat liable.
People are tired of reading the bible. They read you.
So when things go sour, they use you or your life to reflect God.

Someone called me a fake Christian this year. Mutilple times.
Essentially highlight that I displayed certain behaviors that would make God unhappy with me. And they were right.
So we have to be careful.
Even though some of the behaviors involved the person, it was still hugely damning to hear them say you are less of a child of God.
You can sin with an “unbeliever” but when they want to point the finger, you’re the one with a father to answer to.
Remember that.
I didn’t read my bible enough this year.
I was so distracted yo.
Focusing on people and pleasures that didn’t keep me filled.
And I gotta do better.
Starting today and through 2017, I will make a conscious effort to spend more alone time with God.
Vibes

I was just telling my cousin how much Mr Eazi has allowed people to over use this word in 2016.

But you truly have to just enjoy vibes. Positive vibes.
Have people with positive energy around them.
You really gotta look at certain people from afar and watch the aura around them.

Even I brought on negative vibes in certain area of my life this year. And I had to check myself.
So surround yourself with positive and optimistic people that want to see you win at all costs.
People that will lift you up.
Do away with glorified “besties” and sometimes allow yourself to just be.
Here are some of the things I learned in 2016

1. It will be okay. As long as God sits on the throne, you will be fine.
2. Be thankful in all things.
3. Letting people go is just the beginning. You will not die
4. Love Yourself more than anything else. It radiates
5. You will make mistakes. Learn from them but learn more from others, so people don’t use you as a textbook.
6. Forgive yourself
7. Follow your passion. Discover your purpose.
8. Never settle for mediocrity.
9. Dare to be different. Like push the envelope
10. Demand the love and support you want and deserve.
11. Be accountable for your actions.
12. Your intent is not always enough. Your impact matters more.
13. believe in you and your heart. if you have a good heart, it will win. Eventually.
14. Save money
15. Travel and see the world
16. Allow yourself the space to be vulnerable.
17. Remember you are not an island but you are also strong enough to stand alone.
18. You cannot do anything without God.
#WhatTheHeckMan family, I adore you all. Thank you for being with me.
Thank you for allowing me to speak my truth and holding me up.
One thing I will ask each and everyone of you reading this is to hold me more accountable in 2017.
I am consumed by trying to be a better man. I want to be the best version of myself.
So if you catch me slipping, even if you don’t know me that well, please speak up.
I hope we all see the end of 2017 in divine joy, health, peace, happiness, prosperity and direction.
2017 will be great for you and me.
Say it into existence.
Thank you for being there for me.
I appreciate you. I bless God for you.

Till next time, ladies and gentlemen, it is the Wordsmith with the #WordsOfWednesday on WhatTheHeckMan.

Stay Up and Be Blessed.

Comment below and share with me, one thing you have learned in 2016 and one thing you will be better at in 2017.

Till next time, ladies and gentlemen, it is the Wordsmith with the #WordsOfWednesday on WhatTheHeckMan.

Stay Up and Be Blessed.

Follow @adewus4real

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

#SanmiSaturdays

© 2016 #WhatTheHeckMan

#WhatTheHeckMan · #WordsofWednesday · African · Art · Drama · Fiction · Life · Oakland · Poetry · Sex · TheRants · Uncategorized

What’s Love Got to Do…

img_9937

Selah by Emeli Sande

As I pulled the headphones out of my ears, I sighed.
Right as I write this, I am swimming in a mixture of emotions.
Anger, frustration, resentment, exhaustion and overall, emptiness.

The last few weeks have been defining and structurally important. It’s been a minute since we had a very real and honest “WordsOfWednesday”.
In this message, as always, I know I’ll be indirectly speaking to myself about a couple of things but who is a man without constant reflection?

So back to the last few weeks.
As we entered 2016, I was so desperate to not be where I am right now. Feeling what I feel right now.
The only difference between last year and now, I am not taking the full burden for said feelings.
I have historically been the person that would cower in emotion and blame myself for everything that has gone wrong.
No more.

Think of it like a box of donuts at work while you are on a diet.
Everyone claims they don’t want to touch it but they do, but you just walk there, take your donut and leave. When you get home, you cry tears of high fructose.

For sometime now, I thought I was broken.
Like people would tell me, “Sanmi, you’re not the man I used to know”  and to some extent I agree. But I also challenge that notion.
“Why do I have to be who you want me to be? Or why do I have to be stagnant?”

I have been called “meaner, harder, less patient”… amongst others but I am thankful for all of it.
Back to those headphones, I pulled them out and I had just finished listening to voice note from a friend.
In this voice note, she spoke about all the things I didn’t do for her. How I was selfish and things.
(Back story: we had an argument last night and I snapped. Like all of the last two/three weeks came rushing out)

It brings me back to this concept of love and loving yourself.
See love is weird in the sense that it is not something from a bottomless well. You give it, you receive it.
Not in the same doses but it’s give AND take.
If you spent all your time giving love and never receiving it, you would eventually run low or run out.
And then begin to resent the people who are demanding it from you.

Emotionally, I have been running on E, for a while now.
And the man I used to be, would lie and pretend to make everyone else happy. But I cant anymore.
Like I physically cannot bring myself to lie.
Certain messages come across my phone and I become physically tired. Like tired like I just finished getting a beatdown…tired.
It’s not there.
See its not that I don’t love these people, I just am expending so much of myself in different ways that pressuring me to give what I don’t necessarily have enough off, is frustrating.

Imagine wanting a movie from the local Blockbuster store, they are showing it as “in store”. But everytime you come to the store, they tell you they don’t have it.
So why are you showing it online????

My bestfriend (who is currently not talking to me, totally related to this) called me out on it.
“Sanmi, you give just enough of yourself to draw someone in but then you close up and people are left wondering what happened or what they did wrong”
I miss the old me.
The super sweet, everyone should be forgiven me but even at that point, my ex still left me. So I obviously wasn’t as good as I thought right?

The truth is, I was trying then.
Even when I failed, I was trying. Trying to be better
I think I am finally getting back to that guy after almost two years but not for people who don’t contribute.

I have been angry for a while.
At a lot of people and for someone who writes. Calls himself “The Wordsmith”, I don’t do enough talking.
Me snapping two nights ago was out of character. Takes a lot to get me there but I am tired.

Its like I have been trying to be this thing. This person for people when I should have been filling myself up (shut up Bola)
I was already empty but here I was giving more and more.

It is so funny, you can read a birthday card from a friend and it will say stuff like “Thank you for being there for me, you taught me so much”
But once you fight?
“You never gave me anything or matched my intensity”

My point truly is, stay.
Love is great but it is not to be used like a limitless card.
See when I was giving myself years ago, I wasn’t necessarily filling up on the love from the relationship but I was filling up on God’s love.
I would sing and be happy, pray and be safe. Even though in my relationship, I was hurting.

Now, I haven’t done enough refilling.
And people have been demanding. IT’s not even like they are asking for too much.
“Reply my text, check on me”
Basic shit really but I am so spent.

My hours and days are filled with thinking about things that are so present in my world.
That sometimes the extra stuff is too much.

Sometimes I think I allowed myself to drag on baggage, I should have dropped. So I was driving around, pulling myself down.
It’s not a crime to let go sometimes.
And if God is moving things away, let him!

Love is not enough. By itself, its not enough.
It requires much more.
You can have the love but in the wrong frame of mind, time of life, to the wrong person, it will not come across.
Don’t be like me.
Thinking you are macho in healing and giving. Stop and refill.
Driving your heart on E will cause the care to explode.
Park.
Think.
Cry.
Heal.
Refill.
Then drive into your next adventure with a clear mind.
I am probably going to cry after this because its been coming.
But I hope you learned something from all of this.
2016 has been a rollercoaster for a variety of reasons, but your heart should not be drained when it needs to be filled.

Don’t lov on E.
It will only leave you filled with resentment and still Empty.
Till next time,
Open and honest…

Sanmi.

Stay Up!

PLEASE COMMENT.

The End

Follow @adewus4real

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

© 2016 #WhatTheHeckMan

#WhatTheHeckMan · #WordsofWednesday · African · Art · Bloggers · Drama · Erotica · Fiction · Life · Nigerian Writers · Oakland · Poetry · Sex · Stories · TheRants · Uncategorized

Bella 4

bella

Mad Over You by Runtown

Standing over the kitchen sink and looking outside the window into the small backyard of the condo, my head was spinning.

Why was this my luck?

Why couldn’t I just fall for a man who would treat me right and not come with added stress?

You know when you are consumed by so much anger and you  want to cry it out?

Like shed the tears before you act and do something you would regret.

I am not sure how long I had been standing there but I heard Tabitha walk into the room.

She said

“Bella, is everything okay?”

I smiled and tried to play it off but in my mind, I was

“asking how in the hell could everything be okay?!

You just sprung a baby on me!!!!”

“How are you ma?

How was your trip?”

I deflected.

She smiled and walked up to. Complete disregard for personal space.

She stood a mere two fee away from me and said

“I see you trying to be strong and thats commendable. It is okay to be angry or disappointed.”

There was a sudden comfort in knowing she understood what I was feeling. She continued and said

“From what I am gathering, you didn’t know that Darrell had a child?..”

I nodded.

She then smiled and said

“If it is any consolation. Neither did he.

He doesn’t even know yet. So it is up to us, you and I, to figure out how to break it to him”

Suddenly, I didn’t feel like the focal point.

It wasn’t about me.

This man didn’t even know that he had fathered a child out in the world. He was only a few hours away from returning home and I had to figure out how to tell him that he would be a daddy…to two children.

….

“So Tabitha (she insisted I call her that), how do you know that it is Darrell’s and who is the mother?’

She sipped from her tea and set it on the coaster.

She leaned back in her seat and started

“I came back from a funeral about 3days ago. I was in the shower when I heard a knock on the door.

It took me a few minutes to make it out but when I did, there was no one at the door. Just this beautiful baby boy.

I could tell he was Darrell’s just from how draw I was to him. His eyes.

There was a birth certificate in the car seat and it was signed by Darrell’s ex wife but had his name listed as the father.

I pondered on what do but there was no way in hell that I was going to tell him that kind of information over the phone.

So I spoke to my pastor and booked a flight. And here we are.

I tried to contact her but she did not answer. She and Darrell never had a bad divorce, so I don’t know why she did this but here we are”

She sighed and picked up her tea again while she glanced over to the baby peacefully sleeping on the couch. He was beautiful.

Tucked behind a wall of pillows, he was just safe.

“How old is he?”

I asked.

“7 months.”

She replied

“His name is Devon”

I sat back in my chair and rested on my right side while my left hand rubbed my bulging stomach.

“I don’t know what to do Ms. Tabitha. I don’t know how to tell Darrell.

This is a lot”

She smiled and said

“There is nothing we cannot conquer under the sun. Besides, that is why I am here.

You will not be doing this alone”

I will be here with you”

There truly was something comforting about her. I knew there was a reason her son was so amazing.

She smiled and sipped from her tea again and then placed the cup down.

…..

I was talking to my cousin on the phone up in our bedroom when I heard Darrell’s car pull up in the driveway.

My heart started to beat really fast.

I remember glancing at my Fitbit on my left wrist and exhaling.

Heading down the stairs, I caught a glimpse of Ms. Tabitha.

She was standing by the front door.

She smiled as I approached and she stretched out her right hand and squeezed my left hand.

I was nervous.

The door opened and Darrell stood shocked in the doorway.

It was as if he couldn’t believe that his mother was standing there.

She moved closed to him and opened her arms.

He leaned in and took in her hug.

“Mom, what are you doing here?”

She smiled and said

“I came to see my son”

as she patted him on his cheek.

He placed his bag by the bookshelf to the right of the door and kissed me on the lips as he said

“Hey baby”

I forced a smile and he caught it.

He said

“Whats wrong babe?”

Before I could respond, his mom said

“D, come sit down. I need to talk to you”

He looked at me with a slight frown and said

“Okay…”

as he took his seat on the couch.

I sat on the loveseat closest to his mother as she started talking.

“So a few days ago, it came to my attention that you have a son.

You ex wife dropped him off at my home and here I am…

There is a lot more to the story but I am sure you know it better than either one of us.

The child is here with me because I wanted you to know and meet him. I can fully step up and raise him like I did you.

I totally understand wanting to start afresh with Bella. But I wanted to make sure I let you know”

Darrell looked stunned.

It took him a moment to process and then he said

“So she lied when she said she miscarried…

Wow”

I wanted to get up and go to him but I also knew that he needed space.

He looked like he was angry and shocked at the same time.

But true to character, he took a deep breath and said

“Where is my son?”

His mother pointed to the guest room.

The way Darrell held him, I could tell. I could tell that through all the mistakes I made with Mfon, this was the man.

Tears began to roll down his cheeks as he kissed Devon on the forehead.

He turned and looked at me and before he could speak, I said

“Devon”

A wry smile and the tears streamed down.

He was proud.

There was going to be an aftermath to this event but in that moment, all that mattered was the moment.

He loved that child from the moment he set his eyes on him.

And I loved him even more.

Ms. Tabitha returned home and then came back to stay with us.

As I neared delivery and Devon moved in, I needed extra hands and she was truly my rock.

A perfect mother in law and I couldn’t be more thankful.

A new chapter was upon us and my structured story seemed like it was being written on a fresh page, filled with color and love.

…..

Everything was happening fast.

I was so excited for my future and the challenges to come.

I essentially was raising two new borns at the same time.

I think it was shortly after my sister had posted my pictures from the maternity shoot, but I received a call that shook me.

It was Mfon.

He called that afternoon and we spoke for a little while.

In that conversation, he apologized.

He told me that he saw my pictures with Darrell and he could tell I was happy.

Him not signing the papers was only because he could not come to terms with the fact that he let things get bad between.

I urged him to seek help and follow his heart.

If he wanted to be loved by the same sex, he should live his truth.

He told me that he had sent the papers over.

Signed.

And that I could come and take whatever items I wanted from the house, as Darrell and I moved into our new home.

It made me chuckle because that was how he was. Trying to do the sweet thing.

But it was unnecessary.

My life had moved forward and I didn’t want anything from the past to follow on.

Our chapter closed and that was the last time we spoke.

Darrell was facing his own challenges with his ex wife. She was being very difficult and trying to start a custody battle with him over Devon.

Even after she dropped him off!

I was furious but Darrell always told me not to stress.

One evening I heard him yelling on the phone to her

“…you just want Devon because Bella is being a better mother than you would ever be!

You gave him up! and now you want him back?!

No way… take me to court!

I will fight this with every bone in me! I can promise you that!”

When he came up to bed that night, I didn’t say a word.

I kissed his forehead and told him I loved him.

I knew it wasn’t the solution he sought but it was the best I had.

….

PLEASE DON’T FORGET TO SELECT MY NEXT SERIES BELOW.

….

A few days later, my life changed.

My status changed and my world began to orbit around another. My daughter and heart; Daisy.

I will never forget the pain and strength it took to arrive there.

Everything I had been through to that point was a precursor to where I needed to be.

Divorce, heartbreak, betrayal, restarting.

None of it came close to those moments when they asked me to push and I had past my limit of pushing.

But somehow as a mother, you dig deep.

Deeper.

Deeper than you have even gone.

You get lost in the love and life you bring that you forget the pain the world tries to make you see.

I fought for Daisy.

But I had fought for her before she was conceived.

This was Mfon’s child as well but she was all mine.

So here I was through all I stayed through, trying to hold my last marriage together.

I was about to start a family with a man who fathered a child with another and I was bringing a daughter that shared another father.

Life.

But it was my story and as I lay in that recovery room with Daisy in Ms. Tabitha’s hands, I was content.

Gathering my strength back, Darrell came up to me and sat next to me.

He leaned in and kissed my forehead as I forced a smile.

He smiled and then got serious as he said

“Bella, I am proud of you.

Through everything you have been through

You have been a rock

From every turn

And how life tried to make you stop

You conquered all

You are woman

My woman

A fighter and a warrior

A  beaming torch in dark world

You are a mother to these kids and to me

And I promise to love you like its the first time

I swear I will”

My eyes filled up.

I couldn’t say much but

“Darrell, I fucking love you”

He smiled and said

“Shhhh…we have kids now!

You can’t be using that kind of language”

I laughed.

A few minutes passed and then he said

“Oh babe, I noticed there was a huge purchase on the Chase credit card, was that you?”

I laughed even harder.

He smiled but looked surprised and then he said

“Whats funny babe?”

I continued to chuckle and then I stopped and said

“Let’s just say that someone’s ex wife will be receiving a huge delivery of expired baby food”

Still confused he said

“Who?”

I squeezed his hand and said

“Don’t worry my love. Don’t worry”

It clicked for him and he said

“Bella!

You are so petty!”

I smiled, shrugged and said

“At least, I’m still beautiful right?”

He nodded and leaned in for a kiss as he said

“Yes you are. Oh yes you are”

The End.

Bella is a story of triumph and glory. A thank you to women.

To those that stand firm and fight hard. For what they believe in and what is right.

There is a Bella in all of us. She went through so much. Life threw curve balls at her and she stayed strong. Think of your life, your 2016 and how many times you have falled but gotten back up. How many times did people do you wrong and expecte you to fail?
You are a fighter and a winner.

I wrote Bella for the women I know in my life that have been through one battle or another and those who are striving for better each day.
Your strength is life and life will favor you.
Never give up.
Be less petty.
And always happy.

Bella is my gift to you. Your true beauty is a gift to the world.

PLEASE COMMENT. 

~New series drops on Saturday! Do not miss it~

Follow @adewus4real

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

#SanmiSaturdays

© 2016 #WhatTheHeckMan

#WhatTheHeckMan · #WordsofWednesday · African · Art · Bloggers · Drama · Erotica · Fiction · Life · Nigerian Writers · Oakland · Poetry · Sex · Stories · TheRants · Uncategorized

Bella 3

bella-1

Part 3

“You stupid bastard!”

I yelled as Darrell held me back.

Mfon clutched his face as he recovered from the heat and shock that just slapped him.

I wanted to strangle him.

“You stupid piece of shit. You really had me out here crying over your sorry ass!”

I was spewing all sorts of curses on his head.

All I remember was being carried out of the restaurant.

My fingers were sticky from some of the coffee. I was dripping in rage as the once sweet syrup that soaked our love, now tasted like stale burnt bread.

As I waited for Darrell to come out of the now chaotic restaurant. The police showed up.

They walked right past us and into the restaurant. Darrell, came out and we got into the car.

He didn’t speed or anything.

He just drove.

We arrived back at the house and he turned off the engine.

Mine was still running-overdrive.

I was filled with so much anger.

It truly felt like I had been injected with a cocktail of emotions. At an alarming speed, my brain was combing through emotions.

He quietly exited the car and walked into the house.

I just sat there; thinking and scheming.

I wanted to get him back.

I wanted to make him pay. This man put his hands on me.

And left marks that scarred beyond the physical. There was a mixture of failure and a resolution to make him pay, in the worst ways.

I considered telling his family members and the entire Nigerian community.

If only I was truly that wicked but I knew I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

I almost felt cuffed by the institution. But I only had myself to blame.

After all, I went in there and asked them to join me to this worthless being.

I hated the church.

I hated my family.

Questioned my own instincts and suddenly I arrived at it; I blamed Bella.

I must have been in the car for a minute because when I walked in Darrell was asleep.

I headed straight for the shower after I placed my purse down.

The water was really hot. I lowered myself to the floor of the shower and just allowed the water to beat my skin.

Each drop burned but not as much as every memory that floated into my mind.

I really wanted to not think about him. I thought of the two years wasted.

Of all the things I put on hold for the betterment of this man.

I swear, I felt used.

My mind went back to our wedding night.

How handsome he looked in that tuxedo. How his smile lit up the room and tickled my pink.

How I couldn’t wait to be his wife. How I couldn’t wait to cook for him. Pray for and with him. Hold him up.

How I couldn’t wait for him to enter me in the worst ways. And then he threw it all away for someone else. Much less another man.

I started crying and I didn’t know I was loud until I heard Darrell come in.

He said,

“Babe, are you okay?”

I didn’t bother to stop crying.

He came in closer and said,

“Bella, are you okay?”

“I’m okay. I just want to be by myself”

I replied through water.

He stopped in his tracks and said,

“But Bella, I am here for you.”

I could feel his helplessness but I truly just wanted to be alone.

I heard him exit the bathroom.

The shower was not refreshing. I walked out feeling physically clean and emotionally soiled.

I dried myself off and walked into the room.

He was sitting upright in the dark on his phone. As I walked into the room, he placed his phone down and the room was pitch black except for the lighting from the DVR beneath the television.

I hit the light switch and the room lit up.

Standing by the bathroom door with a glum face, I opened my mouth and tried to speak but the words didn’t come out.

I could see the anticipation in his eyes, he wanted to know what he could do to fix it for me.

But there was no short fix.

I stood there and tried again.

This time the words came out.

“Darrell, I’m pregnant.”

His eyes grew big and he seemed excited for a brief second and then it vanished.

He then said,

“Is it mine?”

My head dropped.

I replied,

“No, its not.”

He got up and walked to me.

His arms provided the warmth and his heart the safety I needed. He wrapped them around me and kissed my forehead.

I wasn’t sure how things would play out but in that moment I felt safe.

……

The weeks slowly added up and I fully moved in to Darrell’s place. He was still shuttling between both cities and I would stay in the house when he was gone.

I was still in love with this man.

It was happening with each passing day.

I would find myself picking up the nuggets from my last experience and trying to apply them with Darrell.

He was so sweet and considerate. I could see him going the extra mile for me and wanting to take care of me.

My belly was growing and my anger towards Mfon was reducing.

I was feeling myself allowing him back in.

I really did not want to forgive but I could not hold my anger.

The days were long as I worked part time and mostly from home. I had too much time on my hands.

Mfon would call and try to explain himself. Our families also wouldn’t take their foot off the gas.

Everyone wanted me to forgive him for the sake of the baby.

You see my view was that I had always hesitated around bringing a baby into the world. And now I was going through with it, with a man I could not trust. So I had to be sure, I protected my child and most importantly my own life.

One evening, I was in the worst of moods.

In limbo, I hated where I was. Mid divorce, pregnant and living in the house of another man.

I think when I envisioned my life as a woman, none of those things came to mind as possibilities.

So I felt unfulfilled and behind schedule. Angry at myself and some of the decisions that got me there.

I was in my feelings as Darrell returned from a long shift.

In my mind, I knew that it was the best time for the kind of conversation I was about to start with him. But somewhere in there, I needed that validation. I needed to hear him say the things I wanted to hear.

“How was your day?”

I asked him as he unbuttoned his shirt.

Without looking at me, he replied,

“It was good. Just really long”

I went quiet for a bit and then I said,

“I was thinking today…what are we doing here?”

He glanced at me and said,

“What do you mean?”

“I just want to know what we are doing here. This baby, getting the divorce, living with you. I just want to know. What are your plans?

Why am I here?”

He looked confused as he slid on his shorts. He said,

“We have talked about this before and I think you know my intentions. So why is this coming up?”

I scoffed and said,

“You know what, never mind.”

He growled in frustration and said,

“Bella, you know thats mad annoying. Can you please just tell me whats going on?”

I knew I had him. But I couldn’t just bring myself to speak up then.

“Darrell its nothing really”

He was trying so hard to not lose his cool. He sighed as he came and sat next to me.

He asked me again,

“Bella, if something is the matter, can you lets just talk about it now.

There is no reason to start something and then say nothing.”

I still didn’t respond.

He waited a few minutes and then he sighed really loudly and got up.

As he was about to talk, I spoke,

“So what am I to you?

This version of a wife in your home. Am I just here so you can feel good about yourself?

Do you even care about me?… Like wtf happens when this baby comes?

You’ll just be over me”

I looked at his face as I stopped talking. Shock, anger, disappointment and disgust all mixed in one.

He took a step back and said,

“Bella, are you fucking serious right now?”

I looked away. He didn’t say much after that.

“Bella, you know better and you are just wrong for all that. I have nothing to say.

I’ll sleep in the other room.”

He exited the room and I think that sent me over the edge.

Now I was so angry at myself because I didn’t get what I wanted and there was no hope of me getting it.

I cried that night as I felt empty.

He never left that room all night.

The next morning, he was gone before I woke up.

I went into the room, hoping to apologize and he wasn’t there.

I tried to go about my day, hoping to apologize for my childish behavior later that night.

So when I heard a knock on the door around midday, I was nervously excited. I thought he had come back from work early and we were going to squash things.

I made my way to the door and opened it up without looking through the peephole and there he was.

Mfon.

….

“Mfon, what are you doing here?”

I was surprised and certainly taken aback.

He tried to smile.

“I had to see you, Bella”

He replied.

“How did you get this address?”

I asked,

“I just asked the right questions. Can I come in?”

I replied with a sharp,

“No”

He nodded and continued,

“Well I just wanted to let you know that I want your forgiveness and I am willing to work for it.

But more importantly, I am not letting go. I want to be in the life of my child, so I will do everything possible”

I nodded and said,

“I have nothing against you being in the life of our child but I just want to be clear that we are over.

I would really appreciate if you just signed the papers and allowed the courts to do their job.

This whole year has been stressful enough. I just want to move on”

Still standing at the foot of the stairs, he looked up to me and said,

“I’m not signing those papers”

I couldn’t believe the words coming out of his mouth. I wanted to jump on him and bite his neck off.

“Are you fucking kidding me? After everything!

You better sign those papers or I will make your life a living hell Mfon, a living hell!”

I was fuming and yelling at the top of my lungs when I noticed Darrell’s car pulling up.

He parked in the driveway and hopped out.

Mfon turned and started to back away.

As he walked away, he said,

“I’ll be in touch”

Darrell walked past him as he nodded.

As he got close to me and said,

“What did he want?”

I turned around and walked into the house.

Darrell followed me in and said,

“Bella, are you okay?”

I turned and said,

“No!

No I’m not okay!

He’s not letting me move on”

Darrell moved closer to me and then he took my hand.

He looked down at me as I looked up to him and very softly, he said,

“Marry me”

I couldn’t believe the words. I stepped back and said,

“What?”

He didn’t bat an eye.

He repeated himself,

“Marry me Bella”

All I could think was WhatTheHeckMan.

…..

I was on a cloud.

In a different planet to be very honest.

The stars were beneath my toes and I felt so happy.

The way Darrell took care of me, ladies would understand. He checked the boxes and I could see a great father in him.

The lawyers were doing their work and the divorce process was nearing a close.

We had started looking at homes in the area and preparing for our next chapter.

Everything was falling in place.

I was returning from the grocery store that Sunday evening. As I emptied the trunk and I was taking the groceries into the house, a car pulled up and an older woman came out.

She stopped me and said,

“You must be Bella”

I nodded and said,

“Yes and you are?”

She smiled and said,

“My name is Tabitha and I am Darrell’s mother.”

I felt a twitch. I had heard so much about her and I was very sad that we hadn’t properly met.

“Oh my God!

It’s so nice to meet you ma. Come in!”

She smiled really big and took in my hug before pulling away and becoming very serious.

She looked at me and said,

“So are you ready to be a mother?”

I smiled and nodded as I said,

“Yes ma. I am excited”

She shook her head and then pointed to the back seat of the car she had just exited. Then she said,

“Not to the baby inside of you. A mother to that child.

Darrell’s son”

She looked at me and I looked at her.

No words were said but there was something deep I felt.

Oh Lord, say it with me y’all What The Bloody Heck Man!

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Return for the concluding Part of the Bella series on Saturday!

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© 2016 #WhatTheHeckMan

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Bella

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Bombshelter by Nnabu

The cabinet closed and I finally sat.

As I strapped in, I let out a huge sigh.

I looked over to my right as the older woman next to me said

“You made it?”

I didn’t reply.

I was still trying to catch my breath. But yes, I made it.

As I waited, I just wanted this moment to pass.

Deep breaths.

Inhale and Exhale.

I closed my eyes, kicked my head back and l clutched my sides.

“Just get it over with.”

I thought to myself.

A few seconds later, there were faint voices and I took another deep breath.

Movement.

I heard a thud but I didn’t open my eyes or move. I clutched my sides harder.

With my eyes closed, I stepped out of the moment and back into a time.

It felt like a recoil of an old VHS tape. Momentarily stopping to take in certain memories.

It had been a long weekend.

Being out in the DMV to attend Monét’s wedding brought back so many memories.

We had graduated from law school together, passed the bar around the same time and even did our internships together.

Monét was more than a friend to me.

She was a sister I never had and one I loved dearly.

The thing with Monet was this; she was the last link to what my life used to be.

Our party days, men, our “reckless” nights, be daring moments…

Basically my past.

So anytime, I was around her, there were either pieces she was still connected to or memories that she brought up for me.

So this past weekend was bittersweet.

Monet finally got married to Victor and I found out they have a baby on the way.

I couldn’t be more pleased but the joy they shared only reminded me of what I once had.

The turbulence of my life in the last two years, met me at the height of my womanhood.

In peak position to dominate, I have had to contend with the challenges of womanhood on a completely different plane.

Through it all, I have maintained that my attitude will affect my altitude.

The “seat belt off” sign went off.

Tails up.

……

“Miss, you dropped this”

A deep voice bolted through my unconscious and tickled my ears drums.

I slowly opened my eyes and there he was.

Flashing that amazing smile, he stood over me and said

“You dropped this”

I looked down from his pursed pink lips and made a quick stop on his arms. Before traveling to his hand, where he held on to my Pink Lemonade Snapple drink.

He outstretched it to me and I said

“Thanks”

He was supposed to walk away. This was his opportunity to turn around but he asked

“Can I sit?”

I smiled and shrugged and he sat on the aisle seat across from mine.

He wouldn’t stop smiling.

It bordered on creepy but the man was just so handsome, it could be forgiven.

It was his perfect teeth, his eyes almost disappeared when he smiled.

He had that deep baritone in his voice and he made amazing eye contact.

And he had the perfect lips, they parted and glistened as he licked them every often.

“Hi, my name is Darvell.

Whats your name?”

I smiled and said

“Bella”

He smiled as he leaned over and said

“Well nice to meet you Bella”

As he was about to speak, someone got up and made their way towards the back of the plane.

He leaned back and let them walk by but then he returned and said

“So where are you headed Bella?”

I tried to keep the conversation short as I replied

“Home”

There was a scoff and smile as he replied and said

“Where is home?”

“Atlanta”

He smiled and responded

“This is my first time in Atlanta… Maybe you can show me around?”

I smiled and said

“I don’t think my husband would appreciate that”

“Oh you’re married?”

He answered with surprise laced on his perfect lips.

I smiled and lifted my left hand so he could see my wedding ring.

He looked even more surprised as he said

“I don’t see a wedding ring”

I looked down at my hand and noticed my ring wasn’t there.

Shit.

Where did I leave it?

Oh I remember! I left it on the bathroom sink while I washed my face and tried to hide my tears.

The night before my trip when my husband had gotten into a huge fight.

I gathered myself and said

“Yeah, I just forgot it at home but I am married”

He chuckled and shrugged as he said

“Well forgetting your ring is not a good sign in any marriage.

But what do I know, I’m not married”

“How are you not married?”

I replied with surprise.

“Divorced. And no, I don’t have any kids because I know thats your next question”

I laughed and said

“You don’t know that!”

He was right.

That was my next question.

We talked about his work, his failed marriage, my job and my marriage as best as I would let him get. There was talk about my ambitions as a lawyer. Plans to become a judge.

And even favorite TV shows over the two hour flight from New York.

I would be lying if I said the conversation wasn’t stimulating.

He was just easy to look at and might I add, very smart.

The plane landed and he moved back to his seat a few rows behind me.

As we exited into baggage claim, he smiled and said

“I’m in ATL for a week, maybe we can grab coffee or you can be my tour guide. With your husbands permission”

I smiled and waved him goodbye.

A quarter of an hour later, I had my suitcase in my hand and I walked outside.

No sight of my husband.

I continued to call his phone and he didn’t answer.

It was cold and I was getting even more frustrated.

After about 10 more minutes, I realized he wasn’t coming.

I was washed with sadness and regret as I turned to my left.

There he was, Darrell, on his phone.

I walked up to him as he coordinated his ride.

I tapped him on his shoulder and he turned around.

As he liked at me he said

“Hold on”

to the person on the other side and then I said

“Can I still take you up on that coffee?”

……..

Dinner was getting cold.

I moved it to the microwave, returned the juice to the fridge and refilled my glass of wine.

As I sat down not he couch watching Love and Hip Hop ATL, I scanned the room and let out a deep sigh.

This was not what I wanted.

I wanted nights tucked away in the arms of my hero.

Lately my mother had been encouraging me to stay strong. To keep my home.

But my heart was emptier than my 4 bedroom home.

Why was I being encouraged to stay?

And no one was telling him to fix up.

Why was I taking this?

I deserved better than this. I leaned back and down my glass.

A yawn.

An invite into the safety of my unconscious.

A singular expression of me.

Where the “us” was put aside and I could dream about the “me”.

Sleep.

I woke up a few hours later and realized I had fallen asleep on the couch.

I picked up the remote control and turned the TV off.

I slid on my slippers and walked up in the room.

As I climbed into the bed, I swamped the pillows and took the one  from his side.

I placed it down on my side and laid face down into it.

A long whiff from the pillow.

I missed him.

I could hear the clanking keys outside the door of our two bedroom condo, a few seconds after I heard the closing of a car door.

He Uber-ed.

Thank God.

He stumbled through the hallway and made it into the room. The door opened slowly as he noticed I was asleep.

I could hear him almost drowning in his breath, so he didn’t wake me up.

He stopped in front of the dresser and took off his jewelry and he set down his keys.

I stayed still and kept my eyes closed but I could hear him clearly.

Almost like I was directing his steps.

He flicked on the closet light which was behind me from how I was laying.

The light shone over me and hit the wall I was facing. I assumed he was changing into something more comfortable.

The light went off.

There was silence in the room.

And the shower went off.

As I heard him step into the tub, I quickly got up and walked into the closet.

I reached for this pants and immediately stuck my hand in the back pocket, pulling out his wallet.

I flipped it open and looked into one of it’s pockets.

It wasn’t there.

I checked the next one.

It wasn’t there.

I was beginning to panic. I turned the wallet and checked the next set of pockets.

As I put my finger into it, I felt it.

I immediately heaved a sigh of relief.

I pulled out the condom and examined it. I was still staring at it when the shower stopped.

I heard him getting out of the shower.

I placed it back the way it was and shoved his wallet back into his pants.

It was the fastest I had run in a while but by the time he was stepping out of the bathroom, I was back under the covers.

But I had seen something drop from his pocket.

There obviously was no time to put it back.

A few minutes later he was in bed.

He came up behind me and pulled me in.

He whispered “I love you baby”

I faked a sleepy voice and mumbled, “I love you too daddy”

He smiled as we spooned to sleep.

I could hardly sleep.

My mind kept racing about how we had gotten to this point after just getting married two years ago.

Here I was hoping if he cheated, he used a condom and playing detective.

This was not the life I wanted or the oneI chose.

I finally fell asleep.

The next morning, I was up.

I could not get up the whole night because he had his hand locked around me as he knocked out like a rock.

Once I was able to wriggle out in the morning, I tiptoed into the closet and scanned the floor.

I soon saw a white paper in the corner, inside a show.

I picked it up.

It was a receipt for chewing gum from a gas station. I flipped it around and noticed a number on the back.

Fuck.

He was still sleeping as I walked out of the room in my nightgown and into the living room.

I picked up the house phone and stared at the number.

I couldn’t wait but a part of me wanted to.

I didn’t know what I would find.

But also not knowing was killing me.

I was going to do it.

I dialed out the number and it began to ring.

And then someone picked up.

It was a man.

My eyes grew big as he said

“Hello”

I immediately relaxed. At least it was a guy.

And my husband wasn’t gay.

So whew!

I dodged a bullet.

I gathered myself and I was about to hang up when the man on the other end said

“Bella”

I almost choked.

How did he know my name?

I remember saying

“Huh?”

I could almost hear his smile.

He said

“Well, I’m glad your husband gave you the message and my number.

Its been a while and I’m assuming by how surprised you are, he still doesn’t know.

We ran into each other last night and I wanted him to give you my number. Being as we grew up together and I haven’t heard from you since”

I was stunned.

How?

What were the odds?

We got married in Nigeria and the last I checked, that was where he lived.

I uttered

“Chibuzo, its been a while.

Umm..  I don’t even know what to say”

He laughed and said

“You got married and ran away na.

Makes perfect sense. At least we had one last magical night before your marriage. I will never forget it.

Unless you’re trying to create another memory…”

“Thats not going to happen”

I immediately shut down the idea.

and then I continued and said

“That was a mistake I made before I got married and I love my husband.

I could never do that again”

As I finished the statement, I heard him say

“Do what again?”

Shit.

I swallowed hard and slowly turned around.

It was my husband.

I heard the dial tone ringing through the phone as he had ended the call.

It was frankly that moment, that my marriage also ended.

Some important information for Part 2…..

Welcome to #WhatTheHeckMan. If this is your very first time you are visiting the blog, I appreciate you stopping by. You are now part of the family.
I hope you enjoyed what you just read. If you did and if you didn’t, please leave me a COMMENT.
I live for those comments and they inspire me to write more and create better content.

Bella walks us through the highs and struggles of a Black woman trying to find her balance in the a demanding and largely unfair world. But I tell you this, no single story written by me, follows one track. So get ready for a bumpy but exciting ride!

Again, welcome to #SanmiSaturdays and #WhatTheHeckMan.
I appreciate you and I am lucky to share my art with you.
Thank you.

Till next week, Stay Up!

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Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

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© 2016 #WhatTheHeckMan