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Lipstick Stain 3


Lipstick Stain – Part 1

Lipstick Stain – Part 2


Part 3

Picking up myself from the hospital floor was so hard. I was in so much pain that I didn’t even go back into the room to check on her before I left.
My heart was hurting and my mind was racing.
How could she do this to me?
Why didn’t she tell me?
I could not fathom how she could be carrying our joy and not tell me.
How could other people have known about it without me knowing?

There was so much running through my mind. Everything I thought about her, I would feel a pain in my heart.
I never got to meet the little one. Always dreamt of having my own son.
Being Arsenal fanatics. Teaching him perseverance by supporting one of the most disappointing teams in sports history or just watching him become his own man.
I also dreamt of having a daughter, helping her find her voice in this misogynistic world, owning her black girl magic and me trying to style her hair because I got the juice like that.
But I was never going to know what that felt like. At least, I felt like I missed out.
Almost like you waited in your home all day for a delivery only to come out and see a missed delivery notice.
It sucks.

I cried the whole way home. I didn’t even let “D” come with me.
I felt truly alone and I just wanted to be alone.
As I pulled into the estate, I didn’t even greet the guards at the main gate. I tried to avoid eye contact.
A part of me was very annoyed with them as well.
How did someone bypass them, shoot my wife and none of them knew?
Idiots.

As I parked the car, I felt like something was off.
How much of it was paranoia of the last few days? I couldn’t tell.
But as I approached the main door, it appeared to have been tampered with.
There were scratches around the keyhole and it appeared someone may have tried to kick the door.
My rage boiled over, I hopped into the car and drove straight to the main gate.
As I pulled up I parked to the right side of the gate, the one not used on a daily basis and I stormed out.
The first words that left my mouth were

“Sunday, where your oga day?”

He looked taken aback.
It could have been the tone in my voice or how I was marching towards him.

“Oga wetin happen?”

Was his nervous reply.
I looked him in the face and said in an irate manner

“Person come my house, shoot my wife. Una idiots no hear anything.
Now person come try break into my house again and no security. Wetin be una job again?
Why we dey pay you?
I swear to God wey create all of us. If anything like this happen again, na me go wound una.
Walahi!”

I didn’t even give them a chance to respond as I stormed back to my car.
I got in and drove out of the estate.
My heart was racing and it felt like misplaced anger but it also felt extremely necessary.
Like damn it! Why was everything in my life so misplaced?

I couldn’t think and I just kept driving.
I did not realize how far I had gone until I pulled into the coffee shop – Cafe Neo.
Before I could tell, I was waiting in line to order.
I took a seat while they made my drink. I wanted to cry some more but a part of me just wanted to be held.
The last few days had felt like a bad dream and I wanted someone to hold me by my shoulders, shake me and tell me that I’ve been dreaming all along.
But it didn’t seem likely at all.

I got my drink and I walked out of the coffee shop.
As I was stepping out, my phone buzzed.
Reaching for it, I moved my cup into my left hand and picked up my phone.
As I answered, the person on the phone said

“Akin, long time. How’s that coffee?
Before you start trying to figure out who I am, I just want you to know something.
Do as I say and everything will be fine…”

I was frozen but my eyes were scanning the parking lot and the side of the road. I was sure the person was looking at me but I couldn’t tell where.
I turned around to look and the voice on the phone continued

“5 million in cash or the next time, your wife won’t survive”

I asked in fear

“Who are you?”

The person chuckled and said

“I know you and right now, that is all that matters…”

……

I hadn’t driven that fast in a long time and trust Lekki traffic, I was stuck.
I immediately called the doctor and said

“Doctor, please make sure someone is there to look after my wife”

Startled he replied

“Akin, I just checked on her less than an hour ago”

I wasn’t having it

“Please put someone with her, I will be there as soon as possible”

Now more concerned he said

“Is everything okay?
I mean her mother is here, I can have her sit with your wife if you like”

I said

“I don’t care, just make sure someone is with her.”

He said okay and I continued to sit there in traffic super annoyed.
At one point, I considered abandoning my car and taking an Okada.
So many questions filled my head

“Who could it be?
Were they following me?
How did they know about Lade?”

Those thoughts sailed through my head and I changed my course as soon as I got the chance to.
I couldn’t be sure if the person was following me.
About 30 minutes later, I made it to the hospital.

Rushing into the room, all I wanted to see was if Lade was doing okay.
She seemed to be asleep.
I greeted her mother reluctantly as I was still very angry about the baby.
I turned around and left the room, Lade’s mother followed me closely.

“Akin duro, je kin ba e soro”
(Akin, wait up, let me talk to you)

I turned around as she held my hand and pulled me to the side.
She fixed her glasses and said

“You are my son and a child cannot remain angry with their parent forever.
I know you are upset and to ba je emi ni (if it was me), I would be upset too.
But I want you to know that we did not keep any of this from you as a secret.
By my understanding, your birthday is on Thursday and Lade was planning to surprise you.
She found out two months ago and felt it would be a great birthday surprise gift for you.
Ma binu oko mi (don’t be angry my son)”

I tell you this now, the way she spoke to me was very reminiscent of some deep talks I had with my mother growing up.
Something about it really spoke to me.
It was like she could see that I was trying to hold the anger and she continued

“Ma binu.
Lade needs you more than ever right now. All of this does not make sense but God is in control.
You are the head of this family and God will do another for you two but right now, you need to be a rock”

I nodded as she reached up to hug me.
I wiped off the tears streaming down my face as she rubbed my back.

She said,

“It has been a rough couple of days, you need to eat and go home to get some rest.”

I shook my head and said

“I can’t leave her. I have to be there when she wakes up”

She smiled and said

“Well before you came, the doctor said they will keep her induced for another 2 days to make sure everything is okay.
I am sure you can get some rest.
I will stay and her father will come and join me later tonight. “

Reluctantly, I agreed.
She then said

“I have asked my cook to make you some food.
She will be here any moment, go home and get some rest”

I wanted to tell her about the call I got but I also can confidently tell you that an African mother is the last person you want to tell that a hit has been put out on her daughter.
So I said

“The only way I can leave is if you can guarantee that someone will be with her at all times”

She nodded and said

“I will not leave her side.
The driver and the cook are outside, come let us go and put the food in your car quickly”

We walked out into the lobby and outside to the car.
The driver immediately stepped out and the cook was in the passenger’s seat.
Someone else was in the back but I couldn’t see till I got closer. The back door opened on the owner’s corner and it was Lade’s cousin, Lolade.
She stepped out and walked around the car.
Lade’s mom’s face lit up and she said

“Ah Lola, Iwo ni. (Oh Lola, it is you)
How are you my dear?”

She knelt and greeted her aunty before I gave her a hug.
She said

“Yes ma.
I had stopped by to drop something my mom wanted to give you and I heard about what happened to Lade, so I wanted to come and check on her.
Akin, how are you holding up?

Has she woken up?”

I forced a smile and said

“Trying love. Just staying positive. No, she is still under. ”

She nodded and said

“It is well.”

I told her the room number while I collected the food from the cook.
I walked over to my car parked on the other side of the lot and opened up the trunk with the remote.
As I lowered the cooler into the trunk, I noticed something out the corner of my eye.
Tucked away in the left side of the trunk, it was staring at me.
My gun.

I was shocked.
How did it get there? I thought to myself.
I quickly turned around to make sure that nobody saw it.
I noticed Lade’s mom walking towards me as she gave instructions to the cook.

“Akin, there should be efo, obe ata ati rice.
Ila alasepo naa wa n be”
(There should be spinach stew, pepper stew with rice and okra)

She said as she walked towards me.
I said

“Thank you mummy”

And quickly closed the trunk.
My heart was racing and I was feeling exposed.
Someone was clearly trying to set me up.

….

We walked back into the hospital and Lade’s mom took her seat next to her.
I was going to leave but I wanted to also make sure that Lolade knew the importance of keeping an eye on her.
Lolade and Lade were born in the same month and their mothers are sisters, so they gave them similar names and raised them together.
You couldn’t separate them growing up until they went to college in different countries and even then, they still remained very close.

As we stepped into the hallway I said

“Lolade someone called me today and asked for 5 million or they would try to hurt Lade again
I need you to please keep a close eye on her and anyone that comes into the room.
I am going to try and get the money today”

She replied with shock

“Wait, seriously?
You are going to get the money today? From where?”

I replied

“I don’t know but I have to. Nothing can happen to Lade”

She responded

“Well nothing will happen to her here.
But don’t worry, I will watch her”

I added

“Also, her parents cannot know. Only you know right now”

She nodded.
We walked back into the room and we were met with elation.
Lade’s mom was standing and quietly motioning us forward.
She was waking up!

As we approached, I stood by her side and held her right hand.
There was a huge smile on my face.
As she smacked her lips and blinked her eyes, she looked at me and smiled.
She looked to the side and saw her mom.
There was a quick frown, almost one of confusion. I think it was then she realized she was in a hospital bed.
She opened her eyes and looked at me closely. I was still smiling and I am sure I was almost crying.
She lifted her hand as if she wanted us to remove the air mask.
I lifted it off her mouth and she swallowed hard before asking

“Where am I?”

I replied and said

“Baby don’t worry about that. We are just glad you are okay”

Before I could continue, I noticed Lolade was walking out of the room.
Lade’s mom said

“Lolade, please help us get the doctor”

Those words were like missiles because instantly, I felt Lade squeeze my hand tightly and say

“What is she doing here?”

Not reading anything into it, I rubbed her hand and said

“Babe, that’s your cousin Lolade”

She tilted her head forward and said

“I know. But what is she doing here?”

The mood in the room quickly changed.
Lolade’s mom and I looked at each other, very confused.
We looked over to Lolade and then to Lade, she looked angry.
I said

“Lade, what is going on?
That’s your cousin. Are you okay?”

Her voice was still weak but her angst was strong.
She said

“Why is she here?
She is the reason I am here”

Lade’s mom gasped and I turned my gaze to Lolade standing by the door.
Her look had changed and she had a scowl on her face.
Her next words were

“You better fucking relax Akin.
Out here trying to play Superman for this one. When the baby wasn’t even yours”


Also, please check out my midweek post “Take Me To Church“.
Huge thank you to everyone leaving comments and sharing the series with their friends! I appreciate it all.


LEAVE ME A COMMENT ABOUT HOW YOU FEELING OR WHAT YOU THOUGHT ABOUT THIS PART. 

~The explosive Part 4 drops next Saturday! Do not miss it~

Follow @adewus4real

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

#SanmiSaturdays

© 2018 #WhatTheHeckMan

#WordsofWednesday · Poetry

Take Me To Church

#WordsOfWednesday

Take Me To Church

“Offering Time!”

“Blessing Investment time”

“Offering Time”

“Blessing Investment time”

Deacon Ade reads the world famous Malachi 3:10. So predictable.
I reach for my offering inside the left breast pocket of my Asos jacket without looking. Muscle memory.
That’s how my existence with the church is now.
Not what I am getting or gaining from it now but what I learned as a child and my days at Redeemer’s High School. Think Philippians 4:13.

My relationship with the church is not symbiotic (denoting a mutually beneficial relationship between different people or groups).
It feels very one-sided. But to which side does the current flow?
There is a disconnect.

Growing up a Pastor’s kid exposed me to much of the insights and inner workings of the church.
I saw the politics, the hypocrisy and the far removed behaviors of the people of God.
Sometimes knowing too much is a curse.
I soon became jaded. Unable to tolerate the glaring flaws of the church and its people.
I saw them for who they really were, who we really are. A bunch of liars and hypocrites all trying to figure it out.
Convenient Christians.

I hear more about tithes than I hear about love and spiritual growth.
Everything is tied to the money.
Don’t get me wrong, pay your tithes. If you are lucky to attend a transparent church, you’ll most likely see the tangible benefits of your tithing.
But why do churches make themselves seem so thirsty for the money?
I watch my Pastor every week and sometimes I don’t think he realizes it. How slowly, he gets sucked into speaking about tithes during every sermon.
He wants to rally the troops to do the right thing, but inadvertently, he turns away folks who want more than “make your check out to RCCG Solomon’s Porch”

It almost feels like the eyes of the world are open but the sacred lair of the church remains impenetrable.
The misogyny is toxic and choking. Almost every conversation or teaching reeks of it and saddens me a great deal.
From teachings like “there is no such thing as marital rape” to the debilitating pressure placed on women to seek marriage. It is too much.
I find myself in a state of rage in a place that should foster peace and safety.
Women are told what to wear while men are free to do as they please.
We have a lady in the choir. Beautiful and extremely talented. Making her an easy target for the “older women of God”
Let me not forget to mention that she is well endowed all over her body. Curves to match her talent.
If it’s not forcing her to wear a robe, it’s pulling her off the altar in the middle of ministering because they feel like her body will tempt the men.
Or the absurdity of a recent incident when they made her go into the bathroom to prove to them that she was wearing panties.
Are we serious?
In 2018? People of God!
That would be fine if the rules were fair but in that same congregation, there are men that are committing adultery and stepping outside their marital homes, but who pulls them off the altar?
Who checks their withered penises to make sure they are not having sex?
Nobody.
Because the church doesn’t want to move forward and see women as free and equal.

Let’s not get into how the church is always screaming for young adults to get married but doing a poor job in preparing them.
Nothing on money management, counseling, patience, and family planning – but every Sunday it’s “we are waiting to come and eat rice”
Rada Rada!’’

The church is not all lost.
It is still a place of true fellowship and in some places, it is a safe haven but the church right now is losing its people.
People are disconnected.
We need a recharge.

This is my 200th post on my blog. Thank you to every single person that has supported me. I appreciate you.
God will never forget you and anything you do will prosper.

Thank you!

~ The Wordsmith

 

Thanks for reading as always! And don’t forget Part 3 of Lipstick Stain is coming on Saturday!

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

#WordsOfWednesday
© 2018 #WhatTheHeckMan

 

#WhatTheHeckMan · #WordsofWednesday

Are You Giving?

WordsOfWednesday

Are You Giving?

There was never a time when I dated just for fun.
Maybe when I had a FWB – friends with benefits situation but even then, I wasn’t dating the person.
Since my second relationship, I have had less than 5 o! 😂
I feel like I have always dated with a purpose – long-term commitment/marriage.

As I have gotten older, that has become the case even more than ever.
Whenever I meet someone or get approached or however it happens sha, I immediately start thinking.
Do we align?
Will we be good together?
What does she have going for her?
How much has she invested into her human capital?

This year, I started with a refocus.
I am not entirely sure how it happened but it needed to happen.
I started thinking, what do I bring to others?

Have you ever decided not to let someone in or invest in someone because they didn’t have or bring enough?
That was me but then I started thinking, since you are further on your journey, why not invest?
Be a giver, a builder.
Givers never lack they say but givers are also never “sad or needing”.

I started to think back to my relationships and friendships.
In the situations where I was giving more of myself, I was happier and I felt more fulfilled.
But if you are holding your cards waiting for the other person to swipe first, you never get to invest.

I’m writing this at the barbershop right now and a barber is talking to two guys about a new girl he is dating.
He talks about how much he likes her and how she has expanded his outlook on the world- encouraged him to travel, start reading again and putting money into his 401k.
Unintentionally, she has invested in him.

One of the guys he is talking to says
“oh she works at Chevron? She a career woman,
That’s a winner-winner chicken dinner”
Suggesting that he had hit it big with getting a great woman.
That brings me back to what we are talking about – giving.

At no point in their conversation did he allude to what he was bringing to her life.
Not to say that he isn’t bringing anything but the question is, why do we always start from a place of receiving and not giving?
We always start with what we are getting and not what we are giving.
This is not limited to relationships. This goes for friendships as well.
What are you giving?

I challenge you today, in every friendship or relationship; start from a place of giving.
Think more about the love you have to give, the support, the time, prayers and everything else.
Give more of you.
And especially to God. Give your praise, your loyalty, dedication, faith and holiness.
Don’t always think about receiving first.

You are filled with amazing gifts, start with giving. Sometimes you spend all your time waiting for others to love you how you want to be loved, that you don’t even get to show how you can love as well.
Give the best of you – not foolishly.
But I have decided, I will give more than I receive.
I will love harder, be patient, spontaneous, forgiving and just feel good about giving. If I receive back directly, fine.
If not, I’ll understand it’s not a reflection of me.
Thanks for reading another #WordsOfWenesday. Till next time, stay up!

 

Thanks for reading as always!

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

#WordsOfWednesday
© 2018 #WhatTheHeckMan

 

#WordsofWednesday

Midterms – The Year So Far…

#WordsOfWednesday

Midterms


I hated midterms in high school but I also loved them.

They came at the right time. When you needed a re-up or change in scenery or just a damn break!

But they also force you to look back and then look ahead.

Most importantly, they forced you to stop and think.

 

Sooo, what does The Wordsmith do when he can’t sleep?

He writes.

 

It is exactly 3:15am as my fingers strike the keyboard of my Macbook. I reference my MacBook, not to flex (trust me, some people would think that) but because the battery needs replacing. Can barely hold a charge.

It is important to get but not the most important thing in my life right now.

I’ll speak on this idea some more in a bit.

 

2018 is my Sink or Swim year. If you have not read my WordsOfWednesday about it, please do so HERE.

I decided in December last year while sitting in my cousin’s house in Lagos that I was going to change my approach to my life this year.

How you ask?

 

For starters, I was going to gamble on myself.

Since I graduated college in 2012, I have typically played it safe. Calculated moves and trying to stay on the side of not getting hurt – not just emotionally.

This year, I decided things would be different.

Thankfully, I was blessed with a great job in the last quarter of 2017. So I decided, 2018 would be the year I stop living from paycheck to paycheck.

 

I was going to take ownership of my finances, my relationships, my faith, fitness, and creativity.

So how have I done so far?

 

Finances

 

In 2017 alone, I traveled to the following places.

Atlanta, New York (2x), Los Angeles, Houston, Nigeria, Europe (6 countries) – at least those are the ones I remember off the top of my head.

 

Without a doubt, all of my travel last year cost me no less than $10,000 – $12,000. Between flights, hotels, car, rentals, money spent on location and such.

 

So you will understand why this year, as of July 3rd, 2018 I have only been to Los Angeles and Houston.

LA to see my brother and Houston for my cousin’s wedding.

Looking at my finances, I could quickly tell that travel was where things were hurting me the most.

Now don’t get me wrong, I would not trade any of my experiences from last year for anything. I loved getting out there and seeing the world but I am going to be 28 in January, this is the year to set up the rest of my life.

 

So I decided, less travel and less credit card debt.

 

This year alone I have now:

 

Paid off in credit card debt as of June 30th – $5700

Sent my parents on vacation – $2600+

Spent fixing and registering my car – $2200

 

Honestly, I cannot tell you how I have done it so far.

Actually I can. I have obsessed over every detail. Before I buy something, I ask myself is this a “NEED” or a “WANT”

Most times, I realize that whatever I am thinking about is something I can do without.

I was so broke last year that something had to change.

 

This year, I am on a budget. Here are some ways I have improved my financial health.

 

  • I cook lunches from home. Eating out at work will hurt you. That postdates delivery charge? Total it for two weeks. Pot of stew right there.
  • I find bargains in everything. I still shop o. Don’t get me wrong (matter of fact if I didn’t shop this year, I might have even been able to pay down one more credit card but lets not loud it).

But I look through the sale section and I buy things out of season. Snatched up a coat a few weeks ago for 80% off. Look out for it’s debut in October.

  • I have a weekly budget. A weekly budget is soooooo important.
  1. it just helps to keep you in check.
  2. It allows you to prioritize what is really important.

My weekly budget is $50. This is for everything that is NOT gas or food for the house.

So if you are asking me to come out or do this or that, make sure it is in the budget, otherwise?

I am staying my ass at home.

 

  • I DON’T GO OVER BUDGET. It can be tempting but train yourself to stay within budget.
  • I set short-term goals. It can be daunting to look at your whole financial situation and think “where do I start?”

Trust me, I thought the same thing too but you have to just start.

Start with the smaller cards or debts. Knock them out. If you can prioritize one every month. Inch away at it.

Before you know it, the outlook is looking a lot better.

  • Understand that it is a marathon, not a sprint. The financial mess I got myself in was 4 years in the making. 6 months wont undo it all but it surely is a start.

One that I am making strides on and you can too.

 

Relationships

TRASH.

Yup. I have been trash.

 

I feel like I need a reboot for the year when it comes to relationships but yeah. It’s all good.

I am not happy (in this department) and I don’t even want to try.

You ever had such bad experiences that you are just like, “why bother?”

 

Yeah, that’s me right now.

 

Faith

I was mad at the church and mad at God for much of last year.

I feel the Nigerian church has a unique way of alienating young people (more on this in a few weeks). So I stayed away for most of it and gave up one thing I really love doing – praising God.

 

Late last year, someone told me “your service is for God and not them, do not let being mad at them push you away from giving God what He deserves.”

I am a lot better this year.

Not where I want to be at all but much closer. Serving, being patient and looking for new ways to improve my relationship with Him.

Things are looking up.

 

Fitness

Short and sweet – down 17lbs since I started working out and eating “better” on April 1st.

I can still do better but I’ll keep working.

Hoping to hit the 30lbs mark by the end of the summer.

 

How am I doing it?

 

Monday – No gym. I have my show in the evenings, so yeah.

Tuesday – Back and Biceps

Wednesday – Shoulders and Triceps

Thursday – Rest day

Friday – Chest and light legs/cardio

Saturday – Rest plus I have choir practice, so yeah.

Sunday – Chest and abs

 

I work abs into everyday but on Sunday, I do a full ab circuit.

 

Btw, who wants to join me for a weight loss challenge? Let’s drop 10lbs in July.

You with me?

 

Creativity

 

I haven’t done as much as I would want.

I need to expand more on this. The book I am writing though.

I will blow your mind. Simple.

 

WATCH THIS SPACE!

 

As you can see from my goals I wrote late last year/early this year, I have accomplished some but a lot is left to be worked on.

I challenge you, outline your goals, even the ones that don’t have a hard deadline and start working on them.

Start now.

It will be tough. Really tough but you can do it.

And I am here to help along the way if you need me. We are family.

 

We will all eventually get there.

I trust we will.

 

So what midterm grade would I give myself this year so far?

Finances: A-

Relationships: F

Faith: B

Fitness: A

Creativity: C+

 

Overall score: N*GGA GET YOUR ASS BACK TO WORK! With your score giving ass!

 

Lol, I am doing well. Better will come because if you know me, you know I never settle for mediocre.

Thank you for being here and holding me accountable.

 

How are you doing in 2018 so far?

Leave me a comment below, let’s work together.

 

Thanks for reading as always!

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

#WordsOfWednesday
© 2018 #WhatTheHeckMan

 

#WhatTheHeckMan · #WordsofWednesday

Convenient Christian 3

#WordsOfWednesday

Convenient Christian – 2014
https://wp.me/p3GjtC-l5

Convenient Christian 2 – 2015
https://wp.me/p3GjtC-nE

Convenient Christian 3

I know your word
I remember the stories
The ones I was taught as a toddler
I google verses before I tweet
My love for you is weak
Even though you love me with all my sin
I know your names
Many as they are
But sometimes I am not sure you remember who I am
It’s in the beauty of the love
That you love me regardless of what I have to give
You give me everything and I am nothing without you
So why do I treat you like an option
When you treat me like a priority

I nibble at your love
Like a child picking through their dinner plate
The vegetables are like the meat of your truth
I seem to ignore the commandments that make me feel uncomfortable
The ones that challenge me
But righteous I am on the Twitter pages
Yet finding the book is harder than finding the book of Ruth
Tithing is a pain
Vacationing is a must have
Sex is conditional
My member will rise
But my face will frown at the next church-wide fast
I know how to call on you when I truly need you
Right before that job interview
Or big board meeting

I love to love you in my bio
I display captions as testimonies of your blessings
But do I really worship you for what you give
That which doesn’t seem IG worthy
I’ll make it to the club before 11pm because it’s free
But late into your house because no one can talk to me
The things of the world that don’t love me
Get more love from me
Happiness is fleeting
Because it is not rooted in you
So I show the highlights to the world
But I crave your filling in private
I had your number
Even the password
But I tried to get in half-heartedly so many times
I’ve locked myself out
Open up, please
I may never admit it to the world
But I am in need
Of you

It is not all doom and gloom
Because believe it
Your blessings that I never truly deserve
Still make me a testimony
And that’s why I love you so much
Because you love me
Even when I am faithless and unfaithful
You stand for me
Protect me
You fight for me
Like I am your last asset
You found me
I’m so glad that you found me
Please pull me in closer
Help me focus truly on you
Fill me up
Because no matter how I try to pretend
Bo noo ni.

2016 and 2017, I did not write an edition of Convenient Christian. I started writing it as a reflection on my life, my walk and my journey.
A reminder that my flaws were glaring and my shortcomings were high.
I needed to plainly show how much I was cutting corners.

You probably read it and found yourself in there too.
Some of it stuck, some obviously not but you were in there with me. A convenient Christian.
Paul said “…that which I should do, are the hardest for me to do”
I yearn to be much better than I currently am and I find myself slipping, falling and sometimes just being too damn, yeah you guessed right – convenient.

Over the last few weeks, I have felt a heaviness in my soul.
Not just in my heart, my soul. It was so bad that it crippled my body. I would wake up heavy but empty.
Alive but feeling dead.
Broken and bleeding.

I tried everything. Writing, going out, drinking and other things that typically brought temporary happiness.
Nothing worked.
Until I turned to the surest location.
God.

I cried and felt the weight lifted.
I realized that for a few years, I had been searching for happiness in the wrong things.
My blog, my show, my friendships, follower counts, how many people like me, how much money I was making, how impactful I became.
You see, all of was fleeting. Don’t get me wrong, I would still love to prosper in all those things but after a while, they just never filled me up.

I was going into relationships/friendships/dating with the intention of becoming whole.
Trying to see what they would pour into me, but two people with half-full cups cannot conduct holy communion.
It was never going to work.
It then became a chess match, who was willing to give up their position.
Instead of tapping into an endless well of love and fulfillment.

It was weird yo.
Like I would be so high off something and then this dark cloud would set over me.
Wiping out everything. I have seen depression. We know each other but then I started to think about the last time I was actually truly happy.
Like really really happy. And that made me sad.

Because we don’t see God, it is easy to not take him as serious. Or chop and change what parts of his presence, we want to take seriously.
It is a mistake.
It is insanely important to devote all to him. ALL.
We cut corners, ignore certain parts of the bible or the truth. We fight his word because we know it robs us of the convenience that comes with being average in our walks.
Excuses for everything, I even blamed my church as annoying as they are, as the reason I want going to serve.
Pathetic.

As I write this, this year, it is a damning call to action for me.
I have fucked up.
This year was meant to be my “take back my happiness year”. It has been positive in many notes but flat on others.
This year, this piece is a call to action.
To stand up for what is right. To give up my seat and tough it out.
To be counted.
To step out of the shadows.
To stop being a fucking convenient Christian – sorry Jesus, I’m working on it. I promise.

Will you be stepping out of your convenient position? Any actionable first steps.
Share in the comment section below.

 

I’ll also leave you with this song that has been jolting my heart for a few weeks. The words are everything I love about God.
No one else but…


Bo Noo Ni (feat. Luigi Maclean) by Joe Mettle

Love always,

The Wordsmith.

Thanks for reading as always!

New series out on Saturday!
Please watch this space!

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

#WordsOfWednesday
© 2018 #WhatTheHeckMan

#WhatTheHeckMan · #WordsofWednesday

Guilty as Charged

#WordsOfWednesday

Guilty as Charged

Introspection, self reflection, growth – those are some of the popular buzz words that we have come to know.
It’s amazing how much interacting with people at varying levels of self work, can aid ones journey.

Most of those words and the actual processes that come with them, are typically explored by people during a few life altering events.
A change in the life trajectory
A “Na me fuck up” moment

None of us are perfect and you should only be down on yourself if you notice that you are not growing or better yet, evolving.

Growing up, I always watched how my parents handled their growth.
They would always spend time looking back at themselves.
I know mine was initially connected to my sense of self worth. I always wanted to make sure I was being a person that I would be proud of but as I continue to advance in life, I know sometimes you will lapse.

Today, we live in a world where we a lot of our lives are lived in the public eye of social spaces.
Things like dismantling patriarchy, feminism, and the #MeToo movement have challenged men and women to reflect on who they really are. And even more so, to be better.

So it is not alien to see the buzz words I led with. People are daily exploring their truth.
One of the things that I love about myself is that I don’t like to lie to myself but one thing I love more than that?
I come to terms with my realities quickly.
I make peace with my decisions and in places where there is room for retribution or amendments, I take them.

I find that people typically don’t want to be honest with themselves and worse, they continue to live in the wrongs they have done.
Maybe my view is somehow connected to faith as I grew up in the church but I forgive myself, seek forgiveness for my behavior and move on.

Some people want you to wallow in your wrongs until they are ready to forgive or forget those wrongs. No.
As long as you are able to hold yourself accountable (I just had to throw it in there 😂)
you do not have to dwell in the valleys of your past.

Then you have the people that have done wrong but will not forgive themselves and continue to parade their sins.
The thing about processes like growth, introspection, reflection and others is that they are solemn and lonely journeys. Their manifestation comes from improved behavior.
Some people admit their fuckups but want to use it as a reference point for the rest of their lives.
Not repeatedly tweeting “I used to be like this…”
Be new and let your behaviors be the announcement of your newness.

I know there is guilt carried for past behaviors and people you may have hurt. I also know that you cannot demand that people forgive or forget your wrongs based on your own timetable.
One thing I believe though is that you should forgive yourself before anyone does.
Forgive yourself and don’t confine yourself to a guilty verdict for life.

 

Thanks for reading as always!

New series out on Saturday!
Please watch this space!

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

#WordsOfWednesday
© 2018 #WhatTheHeckMan

 

#WordsofWednesday

Fear.

#WordsOfWednesday

Fear.

I was circling the area and trying to find a parking spot. I noticed one down the way and drove up to it.
From the driver’s side of my car, I tried to gauge if my car would fit into the spot.
I decided against parking there and drove further down the street. I was so sure there was another spot open.
There wasn’t.
By the time, I came back, yup! You guessed it right?
The spot was gone.
Another car, that looked similar to mine, took the gamble and parallel parked into the spot.
There I was, with nothing.

Fear is not an alien concept to many of us.
It comes from learned behaviors. You touch fire it burns, so you learn to not touch a name flame again.
You fall for a Yoruba man, well I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Fear hinders but it also protects.
People often fail to recognize how much it allows us to safeguard ourselves from hurt.
But is it possible that you can be too guarded that you hurt yourself even more?

I have loved before and been hurt.
More than I would like to admit and more than anyone is willing to understand.
Those heartbreaks sent me into a spiral and it doesn’t help that people never want to travel down your hurt with you. They just want to know why you ungratefully never appreciate the love they have to give you.
I admire people that love freely.
Though they are gamblers. They gamble on their hearts and hope their checks balance.
Some of us, intentionally or otherwise, hold fear. That fear prevents us from gambling recklessly.
People try to act as if love is a sweet easy move.
It’s a choice. A deliberate choice.
But it is also a gamble.
A gamble that it will go right, more than it is likely to go wrong.

Fear drove me to God.
I saw the mistakes my father made and my uncles. All but one of them.
So I pray hard and I try to be careful but that fear has crippled me.
Almost like someone who is a lifeguard, now afraid to even enter the pool.
I think of every step, every angle, every possibility.
Because I am afraid.
Afraid of what love brings and what it doesn’t bring.

I recently called out some folks at a church event for singles and young adults where I said that they romanticize marriage too much.
Everyone has a “happy marriage”!
But we see them, plus the ones whose husband is trying to get in your pants or the aunty that would kill her man, if not that hell was real.
I am afraid of getting it wrong.
I am afraid of not fulfilling my potential or changing the world.
I am afraid of never jumping.
I am afraid that I will never stop being afraid.

What are you afraid of? Comment below, let’s talk.

Thanks for reading as always!

New series out on Saturday!
Please watch this space!

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

#WordsOfWednesday
© 2018 #WhatTheHeckMan

#WordsofWednesday · Poetry · TheRantsShow

Past Present Woes

#WordsOfWednesday
Past Present Woes

What gets people so intrigued about the past?
I find that people as a whole obsess about what was and not what can be.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think history should be discredited in totality.
I respect that it informs patterns, gives insight into future predictions and most importantly, it can be a cautionary tale for things to come.


But I never get the fascination and obsession with it. Let’s use me as an example, I don’t like regrets. Because of that, I sometimes live my life with the handbrake on and other times, I can seem reckless with no bounds.
Either way, I try not to look backwards too often.
Read about my logic in The One that Got Away

I come to terms with my realities faster that most. “Oh I lost that opportunity because I didn’t work hard enough?”
Or I didn’t get that girls number because I delayed too long?”
Or “That friend hurt me or I hurt them?”

I make peace with it early on and move on.
More importantly, the things that are reminders of regrets are precisely the things I want to not have to think about.
Most times, people come into your life and they want a walk down your memory lane to inform how they want to live or love with you.
But have you ever thought that it is retraumatizing for the person to relive that experience?
Imagine a woman who was with an abusive man, you now come into her life and you want to talk about it and him.
But when she is not forthcoming, you think she doesn’t want to open up. No!
Sometimes opening up is letting you see into them but it means they have to reopen to the wounds.
Flies live around open wounds and more importantly, they bleed.


Another reason people don’t like talking about their pasts is that it can be extremely embarrassing.
Maybe you dated a proper asshole or you were one. Or maybe you haven’t even healed from your stupidity.
It happens.
So sometimes, people want to leave things the way they are – in the past.

If you have a good person, someone that you love and loves you, focus on the future.
What kind of friendship or relationship can we have?
As opposed to worrying about the kind they had with people they may not even be talking to anymore.
The past got them to you, whole or damaged. However you dice going back, you are losing some value in the now.

One thing people also don’t realize is that if you hang around long enough, sometimes you get a pure and honest peek into the past.
The past is what made us, but we are only as good as what we do next.
It’s like people that love to tell you their past relationships were this and that.
Brother and sister, in your past relationships you may have won gold but it counts for nothing if your current situation fails and in some cases, you are single. So who past relationship epp?

No one.
I like the past, with two rules.
1. I’ll take you into it as I please at my pace and time.
2. It should only be a marker for improvement and that itself can and should be very personal.

No one wants to be only defined by their past, so why do you obsess over that of others?

Thanks for reading as always!

New series out on Saturday!
Please watch this space!

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

#WordsOfWednesday
© 2018 #WhatTheHeckMan

#WhatTheHeckMan · #WordsofWednesday · Poetry

Fuck The High Road

#WordsOfWednesday

Fuck The High Road

It’s cold, lonely and seldom traveled.
Not because people don’t know the way but many choose to not use it at all. Ignoring class, self respect and peace, some would rather muddy themselves in the lowliness of pettiness.
But it is cold, high and out of grasp – but for a select few, it is the high road.

For the longest time, I spent time living by a concept my mentor once shared with me.
“If you and a friend had a falling out and they publicly embarrassed you, you have lost twice.
Once because you have lost a friend and secondly because you had initially made a poor choice in a friend”
I always used the “na me fuck up” mentality. If someone wronged me, I’d go silent and just let it be.
I rarely speak on what people did or didn’t do to me.

One of my best friends told me that one of my biggest mistakes was considering most people as friends anyways.
It used to sting because I would make so many excuses for people.
“She is young
He is going through a lot
Maybe I caused her to be like that
They are really a good person, you just don’t understand them”
Eventually you learn, that not everyone is your friend and all.

I am also incredibly private about my life, choices and intentions. I picked that up from my mom who was an expert at protecting us from unnecessary eyes and distractions.
But here is to growth (I laughed out loud using this watered down word). My blog has seen my evolution but more importantly it has become a haven for folks to learn from me and apply things to their lives.
Let my experiences, however few or otherwise, be a guide for you and yours.

After my relationship ended in late 2014, I was so broken and hurt.
I swore that through 2015, I wouldn’t be in another relationship. I was going to be single, date and travel.
Two of those things were perfectly fine.
One of my biggest mistakes was dating while healing (DON’T DO IT PEOPLE)
I was so broken and to an extent, I was searching for peace in the women I met.
And don’t forget dating multiple women at once. Smh Sanmi. (I Lied and Cheated)
So yes, I ultimately scarred some of the people I interacted with.
I was still angry, at my ex and myself.
It was like all the accommodations I gave for her, I wasn’t willing to give anyone else.
My temper was short, I was dismissive, reductive and just sometimes a flat out dick.
Yes, that was all me.

In 2015, I met someone that made me laugh like I hadn’t in a while.
Quickly, she filled a void that I had been hiding for a while. It was her smile and just her crazy fun energy.
Yup, soon we were fucking and trying to navigate everything else, and then life hit.
To be honest, I wanted to run at that time. I felt like it was such a big responsibility and place to walk through with her.
She even asked me to leave and tried to push me away but I ain’t no punk and I really cared about her, so I decided to stay.
My first mistake was not restructuring our situation to a pure friendship.
Feelings were still there and having sex didn’t help either.
But as life settled, it was clear to me that we weren’t compatible long term.
We were in different spaces chasing different things.

I would come home from a long day of work and school and have to fight about why I tweeted first before calling her.
Or that I did this or the next thing.
Mistake number 2!
I should have been firm and walked.
But if you are dealing with someone and you have a huge fall out, you should probably completely leave them out and not respond to nudes when they send them to you.
Or a two page letter documenting how flawed they were as well and how much they contributed to the failures of your interactions.

This is by no means a tell-all but a reflective walk back down the high road.
Look people, Sanmi ain’t no saint. Far from it.
I’ve said things my Pastor would not be proud of, berated people and even just didn’t give a fuck sometimes but two things are true of me.
I apologize when needed and I never set out to hurt intentionally.
Have I hurt people? Yes.
Apologized and made amends where possible? Hell yes!
But people take a piss because you don’t speak up.

One phrase always touted is “Emotional Abuse(r)”
What do you call someone who berates you when they get mad and then apologize later and because of love, you take them back?
Or someone who gets so mad they start to throw your things into the hallway of a hotel room?
Or threaten to scream because you don’t want to have sex with them after they just called you every evil name possible?
What do you call someone who tarnishes your name in public but still claims to love you and reaches out when they need favors?

If you said an abuser, manipulator or just asshole, you would be right.
If you assumed all of the above was done by a guy, you would be very wrong.
But you see, the same person who did those things has the nerve to go on social media and circles to say negative things about me.
Now I am again not saying I am perfect but I believe in being honest with oneself.
I was good to said person and I know deep down they know that. Even with all of my shortcomings, but you would never see me on social media, trying to drag them.

I don’t think there are “good” or “bad” people. I think we all make mistakes and thrive in different ways.
Your knight today might be a villain in someone else’s tale.
That’s life.

But you see the thing with being silent for too long is that you let people walk all over you and your truth.
You start to even believe the lies they spew about you.
Fuck the high road!
Let sleeping dogs lie but if they want to be poked, let them be poked.
Defend your name when you need to.
I did some fucked up shit but I legit went back to read some transcripts I had saved or even the letter she wrote and I was amazed.
You will see how she speaks of me now and you will think I was Tristan Thompson who dipped on her while she was carrying my baby or something.
For the longest time, I thought to myself, I had something to lose and she didn’t.
I have a show I work hard on, this blog, my brand, my job!
Leave it Sanmi, leave it. But enough!

A few things: ladies and gentlemen, the moment you realize you are not going to be with someone long term, cut it off and leave it cut off.
Don’t let people walk over you because you want to be private. They will use that silence as a green light to rubbish your name if they could and since they won’t be honest with themselves about their own flaws and shortcomings.
Forgive yourself for your own mistakes and just make attempts to be better in your new dealings.
I love me so much now.
Quicker to forgive, listening more and just being more aware of my imprint in the lives of those around me.

The high road is great in theory.
But it has bad signal and sometimes sends the wrong message, that because you are not talking, you are guilty as charged.
Fuck them and their stupid road. Stand up for yourself and your name.
And pray you never come in contact with people that make you regret ever meeting them.

 

Thanks for reading as always!

New series out on Saturday!
Please watch this space!

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

#WordsOfWednesday
© 2018 #WhatTheHeckMan

#WhatTheHeckMan · #WordsofWednesday · Poetry

The One That Got Away

#WordsOfWednesday


The One That Got Away

About 5 years ago, I was in a relationship.
By all accounts, it was going well. We were relatively happy, growing and people were calling us “Goals”.
Then one day, I was having a serious conversation with myself and I concluded. I wasn’t going to marry this woman.
I prayed about it for a few weeks and battled within my spirit before I finally put an end to a 4-year relationship.

It hurt.
But nowhere near knowing I couldn’t give her what she wanted – marriage.
She told me that in the first few months, she was broken and she hated me.
We were not talking for the first 6 months after the breakup.
And in that time, I was hurting too.

Here was this woman that I loved so dearly. Started dating at 17.
I became a man within her love. We found each other and even though she was older, I never felt like we were never on the same page.
For a while, I never thought I could love any like her. Well, that was until, you guessed it right, I fell in love again.

The person I was dating for 4 years at the time of the breakup, she felt like the one that was getting away.
Like how do you invest 4 years into someone and then they just walk?
“They will find someone else and be happy and you’ll have lost out”


Funny enough though, I never believed that anyone got away.
It’s important to love like it’s your last chance at love. But I have never felt like one was the one that got away and it was the last chance saloon for me.
You will date and meet great people, some will define a period in your life or even change your trajectory in life but not all are for the forever ride. And that’s okay.

Everything works out for good. That ex-girlfriend is a happily married wife and a mother now.
It’s not enough to say it but you have to believe it. Everything works together for good.
I have never felt sad like I lost out on her since that initial period. You know why?
I  believe God’s will was done and I was part of her story.
But that’s just it – a part.


I don’t believe in soulmates but I believe that God ordains your steps.
And it’s possible that the path takes you in a different route than what you expect.
The picture up there is an interesting one.
That exact stop that white car is parked, is the exact spot I parked when I spilled my heart out to someone I once loved.
I sat there for over an hour telling her all she meant to me – we never amounted to much beyond drama and stories.

I referenced that to say, I saw her this week with another man – one of many she has dated since we had our thing.
I mentioned men, not to shame her but to highlight that we moved on. But to some people, we should be together.
It’s always amusing to hear but when I saw her this week, I laughed at the idea that there was nothing left.
The feelings of old were gone.
And then I thought. Has anyone ever seen me as the one that got away?
That would be interesting to find out.

Seeing her out, she looked happy but more importantly, I was happy too.
And like my ex-girlfriend, I thought to myself, I hope she is happy there.
More than the one that got away, is the feeling that everything works out for good.
I love where my life is. How things have turned out.
Would they be different if I was with someone?
Or one of the ones that “got away”

I don’t keep an eye on what was. My happiness is current and whole. I like that.
Don’t spend time dwelling on who you think got away. Be good enough for the now and for your future self that no one ever wants to run the risk of letting you go.

There is none that got away. They just went – a different way.
But you might very well still be on track.
Stay up!

From the Macbook of The Wordsmith…

Thanks for reading as always!

New series out on Saturday!
Please watch this space!

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

#WordsOfWednesday
© 2018 #WhatTheHeckMan