#WordsofWednesday · Life · Nigerian Writers

Start to Finish: Deciding to Win at life!

#WordsOfWednesday

Start to Finish

Written by @adewus4real

When was the last time you were truly in love?
And it blossomed into a beautiful garden?
When was the last time you started and finished something?
For most people, you are still reading but passively trying to remember the last thing you saw till the end.
The last time you stuck to a diet or finished a project.
What about that thing that you promised to learn how to do?

I’ve been thinking about the idea of completion and how it fosters confidence and growth.
Thinking about my life, I realized there weren’t many things that I have truly seen through.
Of course, I can count my two degrees and such but how many goals over the years have I been committed to all the way?
How many times have I decided to lose weight and quit once I started seeing some progress or life trials came knocking?
How many times did I decide to jump back in and once I dipped my toes in, I got flustered and ran?
Continuously, we fail to follow through.
It doesn’t make us bad people or people without integrity, sometimes life is just – hard.

But over the course of the month of June, I decided to take up ONE thing and crush it.
And that was my fitness.
I committed to going to the gym/working out at least 4-5 times a week.


From the picture above, you can see that I did it.
The confidence I got from that is what I am now transferring to my daily routines – skincare, teeth hygiene, prayer and daily devotion.
I used to get weary about being able to continue something for a long time or the rest of my life.
A part of me realized that it was because I was trying to build steady routines in 5 conflicting areas of my life at once.
I had to step back and carefully reassess.

I started the #75HardChallenge on Sept 1st and I am not just looking at it to be a physical transformation but a reminder that I truly can do this.
Completely reset my whole thinking and tap into a level of grit that I have never really tapped into.

Today I’m writing this to encourage myself and you as well. Select ONE thing, one muscle that you can strengthen over the next month or so. Once you complete that, you can translate it to something else and then another and another.
For me, I kept thinking about how relationships are and how I have some anxiety about being stable for long periods of time.
I had to remind myself to stay small.
Conquer a month, then two and then six before you know it, you know how to do it.

So pick up that book, go on that date, hit the gym again or just take time out to love yourself each day.
There is beauty in completion. There is strength in perseverance.
One of my favorite quotes says “there is no fatigue felt on the day of victory.” I agree completely.
So what are you committing to over the next month?

Please leave a comment below. (can you do that? lol)

Stay up!

Thank you for reading!

Please comment, retweet and share. Thank you for your continued support.
You are highly appreciated. 

#WordsOfWednesday
© 2019 #WhatTheHeckMan

#WordsofWednesday

Pills, Pain & Depression

Pills, Pain & Depression

As I write this, I am standing and leaning on my standing desk at the office.
My right leg is folded and on my desk chair behind me.
This morning, it was hard to get out of bed as it sometimes has been for many days in the past 3 years.

On August 12, it will mark 3 years since I tore my ACL playing football.
It was a non-contact injury. I overstretched for a pass and I heard it pop and crack. Everyone told me to get up and stop being dramatic and put ice on it.
I did that for a few weeks before getting an MRI – blown meniscus on both sides and a torn ACL.
3 surgeries later, the pain is still very familiar as is the sinking feeling in my stomach every single time I think of playing again.
I love(d) playing, competing and just being amongst other men.

I remember I would save up all my aggression and road rage until I was ready to go and play on Saturday mornings. I would yell at people, pick fights and just let loose.
And for 3 years now, that outlet has not been there.
Thinking back to who I was before the injury and who I am now, one thing is clear, I’ve changed.
I was a bit more social, although I felt like that side of me was fading.
I was going out less and trying to focus more on honing the man I wanted to be. Now, it is almost impossible to get me out of bed, even to go and get my check daily.

Many mornings, I wake up before my alarm and lay there. There is a warm sensation in my right shin and my knee is always sore.
I am used to popping pills – only pain pills. I have had people recommend CBD oils and marijuana for pain management but mehhhh.
I don’t like myself and not because I love myself any less but not many people know what it feels like to not feel whole.
To not feel complete.
Body parts are complete but not functioning right and it is incredibly hard to explain to anyone.
So yes, you start to want to take less care of yourself. I remember one evening, I was in so much pain I cried and then I punched my knee for 3 minutes.
It obviously swole like Agege bread in water but I didn’t care.
I was angry and depressed.

For years, I battled suicidal ideation and depression on many fronts. Like knowing the things that triggered me and how best to avoid them.
But how do you avoid your own body?
Knowing that you are basically the one keeping the door open.
Somedays, it is the quickest mood switch and it makes it hard on the people that love you.
Yesterday, for example, I was talking to someone I truly enjoy talking to but I was in so much pain that I immediately got into a sour mood.
I didn’t want to speak or be spoken too.
That is who I am now but it is not who I am and that itself depresses me further.

Somedays, the pills work. Therapy works. Love works. Prayer works.
And then it doesn’t.
Then I am left with my thoughts and tears.
And when I smile, people think I am happy. People invite me to things and some have even stopped inviting me because everything feels like a chore.
Taking the trash out, driving to the airport or practice or simply giving a fuck.
I know I don’t want to be this person or live my life in pain and surrounded by pills.

There is not much you can do.
Say a prayer if you can.
But I know there are many like me out there. Smiling but hurting.
Beautiful smiles like mine (been told) but broken “bones”.
Remember to go that extra mile to check on people, even the ones that promise you they are fine.
Behind the smiles, the truth lies and the truth they say hurts but this pain, this one hurts more.

Thanks for reading as always!

Thank you for commenting. Here is to a fun 2019!
You are highly appreciated. 

#WordsOfWednesday
© 2019 #WhatTheHeckMan

#WhatTheHeckMan · #WordsofWednesday · African · African Fiction · African Stories · Art · Bloggers · Drama · Erotica · Fiction · Life · Nigerian Writers · Oakland · Poetry · Sex · Stories · TheRants · TheRantsShow · Uncategorized · Wirting

The Fixer

The Fixer

“I am so tired.
I am tired. I don’t need any encouraging words or “it will get better”
I am tired.
For the last 10 days, I have been dealing with family stuff as someone has been unexpectedly and worryingly sick in my immediate family.
Putting on a strong face and trying to keep it all together but dying inside.
I am so stressed. I want to cry every day but I feel like I am too strong. I need to be strong to hold it all together.
Parking was a fucking shit show this morning because of stupid construction happening in the fucking high of the day!
Took me over an hour to park. I hate everyone and everything.
My parents lied!
They promised me, forced me to get stupid degrees and promised to pay my student loans.
I make enough but the costs never stop.

Like that was money I was still thinking I would use to buy the rest of the shit I need for Nigeria or even pay for lodging!
I just want to close my eyes and everything ends.
I am tired.

I don’t want to feel all this pain.
I don’t want to be strong.
Don’t fucking know why I am typing this to you but idk.
FUCK THIS SHIT!”

I hit send on the text message, placed my phone to the side of my bed and I closed my eyes.
Seconds later, my mind was racing. I was filled with remorse and regretting even opening up.
I wanted to pick up my phone but this was not WhatsApp, this message was not getting deleted or erased.

The sunlight beamed through the blinds as I woke up. I picked up my phone and looked at the notification panel.
1:38pm.
Fuck! How did I sleep for so long?

I sluggishly got up, weaving through my notifications and apps, I ignored my bible app reminder and went straight for my iMessage.
As I pulled it up, I noticed that my message from the night before had been read four hours prior but no reply.

Fucking Kamal.

……

“Tobi, where are you?”

I heard him chuckle over the phone and he replied

“Chill, I’m coming”

I growled and snapped back

“Tobi, you said you have been coming since morning. If you couldn’t come, you should have just told me and I would have found a way to come and get it.
Where are you now, so I can come and get it?”

I could tell my anger took him by surprise as he said

“I’m already on my way to you. I’m bringing it”

I replied

“How long?!”

“15minutes”

He snarled back.

Click. The call was over.

The next roughly 15minutes were sooo annoying!
One thing I hate more than anything else is being made to wait.
I needed that bag and what is more annoying is that I gladly would have gone to get it myself.
But here I was waiting on someone who didn’t see the urgency in what I needed.

When he pulled up, I opened the door and let him in.
His first words didn’t help because I was doing everything within my power to not snatch my purse from him.
He smiled and said

“Why are you so angry?”

I took a deep breath and said

“Tobi, give me my purse”

He started trying to play hookie with me by running around the coffee table in the center of my living room.
I was so angry and I charged at him.
He ducked and turned around the couch, he was now standing between the couch and my dining table.
I stopped to catch my breath and I said

“Tobi, please give me my purse. I am tired abeg”

He smiled and started walking towards me with his hands behind his back, both on my purse.
I walked towards him and we were soon standing within inches of each other.
He leaned in and tried to kiss me.
I weaved and moved my head as I said

“Tobi stop. Just please give me my purse. I’m really tired”

He smirked and said

“Not giving it to you until you give me a kiss”

I turned around to walk away. I was boiling inside.
He tried to grab my forearm as I turned away. In one swoop, I swung around and smacked his hand.
There was a look of pure shock on his face, he clearly didn’t think I was going to hit him that hard.
He pulled his hand out and stretched my purse towards me.

I collected it and sluggishly walked into the room.
I opened the bag and began shuffling in the purse for what I was looking for.
I couldn’t find it.
I couldn’t fucking find it!
My eyes were getting cloudy and my heart was racing. I turned the contents of the purse on to the bed.
A parking ticket I had been putting off was amongst the contents. I hissed as I rummaged through the bag still looking for the item.
No luck.

I could feel my breath leaving me.
I got up and went towards my bedside desk. Opening the drawer, I started looking for it there.
Nothing.
I walked back to the bed and sat down.
At this point, the tears were coming down my face.
I was afraid.
My mind went blank. The last time I saw it, I was putting it into my purse.
So where could it have gone?
I stood up to head into the living room. As I stood up, I felt my legs give way and I slumped with the back of my head catching the corner of my bed.
The last thing I heard was Tobi bursting into my room.
I saw his legs as he bent next to me and lifted my head into his arms.

He kept calling my name.
I was slowly forgetting mine.
My eyes shut.

…..

“Do you know when the last time she took her medication was?”

Those were the first words I heard as I was getting wheeled into the emergency room. There was no way Tobi could have known.

As they parked the bed, the doctors tried to ask me some questions. I roughly remember what I said.
Soon there was a drip going into my forearm and I felt myself drifting off again. The last thing I remember was motioning weakly to Tobi who was sitting next to me, he rode up and stood over me.
I sheepishly whispered

“Kamal.”

He looked confused. I whispered again

“Call Kamal”

When I woke up about 5hours later, Tobi and Kamal were sitting on opposite sides of the bed, flanking me.
I could feel the tension between them. It was like a cloud over the open bed space.
Tobi must have used my Face ID to get into my phone which was what I expected anyways and Kamal, while worried about me, must have not understood why Tobi was there.

I slowly sat up and said

“Have you two met?”

Tobi shook his head and said

“I just called him like you asked”

My lips were chapped and my throat was dry. I swallowed hard and said

“Thank you”

I looked over at Kamal and smiled before continuing

“I told you to call Kamal because he knew my medication and would have been able to tell the doctors”

Kamal jumped in and said

“Yes, I told them already and they gave you a drip and a refill, you should be good to leave here later tonight or tomorrow if you want”

I slid back into the bed.
I could tell that Tobi was dying inside, I could see it on his face. He didn’t know why I fainted and here I was asking another man to come and meet us at the hospital. But, I was not about to explain at that time. I was too weak.
He tried to hold it together for a bit and then he said

“Hey- So I have to go and take care of some work stuff.
Will you let me know when you get discharged?”

I nodded.
He leaned in gave me a hug and then that “man” nod to Kamal before walking out.

As he walked out, I turned to look at Kamal.
He smiled without saying anything. I asked

“What?”

He smiled and said

“Nothing o. You just know how to pick them”

Slightly embarrassed, I replied

“I didn’t even do anything”

He smiled even more and said

“Yeah right, you never do”

He continued and said

“How are you feeling? I was worried when I got the call”

I looked down on the bed and said

“I’m fine to be honest, I just didn’t take my meds because I couldn’t find them.
But I’m good honestly”

He said

“Are you sure?”

I nodded and said

“You know me, I’m good”

He said okay and then he asked

“Are we still on for this weekend, now that you have decided to put me in a death scare”

I replied

“Ori e” – translates to “Your head” before continuing to say

“Honestly, I should be good with a day of rest and icing my head. I think I hit it on the bed when I fell.
Hurts like a MF”

He replied and said

“Lmaooooo its because your head is so big”

If I could have punched him, I totally would have.

…..

As we pulled up to the venue, I noticed that he still had his drink in the door of the car.

“You’re supposed to have finished drinking that already?”

I whined.
He smiled, picked up the bottle and downed what was left of it. I knew it was going to be a good night.
We walked to the venue and I suggested that we grab drinks before the show started.
We snuck into the connected bar and sat by the bar.

His eyes kept wandering as he was amazed by the setup. There were video games everywhere.
We ordered our drinks and I saw him googling “Mario Kart games on PlayStation 4”. Such a big kid.
I asked the bartender to surprise me with my drink and I think he ordered a Red Bull.
We took our drinks and headed into the venue, the show was about to start.
As we approached the door, we got stopped and were told to get our tickets at the box office. So we walked all the way back to the front, got the tickets and then headed in.

I could tell how handsome he looked by the stank eyes most of the ladies flashed at me. He kept beaming that smile behind me and I was all here for it.
We sat right next to each other but he turned my seat, so my back was to him and we faced the stage.
The entire show, bar when he was on his phone, his hands were on my bum.
I couldn’t wait for us to get out of there.

The show was fun. Lots of laugh, improv nights are always my favorite.
We walked out talking about threesomes – we had seen a lady with a beautiful butt. So beautiful.
I can’t remember who suggested it but we ended up at a club, a few drinks and fist pumping, I was ready to go. I had wanted to jump his bones since I picked him up at the airport.
As we walked out, I noticed this white girl who had come up to me in the club.

She was sitting down on the floor with a cup of ice.
I asked

“What happened? You left me in there”

She was so drunk and even attempting to respond to me, she knocked over her cup of ice and she looked so distraught. I felt bad but I rushed out of there so quick!
We made it to the car and I couldn’t wait to get us home. He was playing music and we were having a great time in the car and then he asked

“How far away from the house are we?”

I nonchalantly replied

“About 5 minutes”

He smiled and once we hit a red light, he leaned over and kissed me.
Then he slid his left hand up my skirt. I couldn’t concentrate.
My legs started shaking and my breathing short. He slid my panties to the side and began rubbing my clit.
I was squirming while trying to keep the car steady.
What the fuck?
I could feel the chills rising up my back. I wanted to close my eyes and let go but we were almost home.
I remember veering out of my lane and my car beeping to alert me.
I was alert alright, my pussy was ready for a beating.
To cap it off, he removed his hand, looked at me and licked my juices off his fingers.

As we pulled in the parking lot, I quickly parked.
I could hear Lil Wayne’s verse on The Motto playing in the background as he reclined my seat.
He leaned in as if he was about to kiss me. I was wrong.
He reached up my skirt and pulled my panties down.
Kissed me on the forehead and hopped out of the car.
I was soooooooo angry!
Like wtf?!

I gathered myself, pulled my skirt down and hopped out of the car.
There he was standing in the middle of the parking lot, all 6’3 260lbs of him. His left hand was to his face.
As I got closer, I realized he was holding my panties to his nose.
We entered my apartment and he sat down on the couch, I made him a drink and pulled down his pants.
I was ready to go.

His moans were my favorite part. His hands running through my hair as he cursed and told me

“This is the best head ever”

My inner thot smiled.
I stroked and slurped down his shaft, soaking his balls and drinking on to my leather couch.
I wanted all of him deep in my throat and in my guts.
He tried to fight it but wasn’t very successful.
He went silent as I stroked his dick with my left hand and juggled his balls with my right hand.
He pushed me off and walked me back to the room.

He climbed on the bed and laid on his back.
I climbed on the bed and planted my pussy on his face before leaning forward and taking in his dick – 69.
It was wet on both ends of the coast as we feasted on each other.
He pushed me off as I came and was about to lean into me, there is a full length mirror at the foot of my bed, I caught a glimpse of myself.
As I laid down, I spread my legs wide. He lowered his member into me and started slow.
Cupping my head in his hand and protecting it from the head board, he thrust in and out.
The pace picked up and my profanity did as well.
He was hitting it right.
His grip on my thighs was as hot as the depths his dick was exploring.
I could see the hunger in his eyes.
He pounded me like candied yams. I was loving it.

When he flipped me over, I was ready.
I arched my back and tooted my ass towards him. He smiled and slide into me.
I could still feel how wet his balls were as they slammed into my clit.
He grabbed the shit out of my waist and he went to work. It was as if we hadn’t seen each other in 3 months.
He kept at it and so did I, throwing it back like a third draft of a senior thesis.

I could feel welling up and getting ready with his canon.
So I wrapped my legs around his butt.
He was leaning all the way into me, I was almost falling off the bed as he pounded my pleading pussy.
I wanted it. More of it.
All of it.
He didn’t stop.
I wouldn’t let him stop.
Just as he was about to let go, I looked back, damn near from the floor and yelled

“Fill me up”

Boom.
He grunted.
Moaned and pumped me full of his warm seed.
I lay there for a few minutes as he curled up next to me panting for air.
I turned over and said

“Where are my panties?”

He smiled and said

“You’re never getting them back”

It was going to be a long weekend and I was going to enjoy every minute of it.
I rolled over in the bed as he got up and headed to the bathroom.

The lights went on and then he said

“The condom broke”

 

Welcome to my first series of 2019! Expect a lot more this year. That’s all I’m saying.
Oh also, please leave me a comment and share your thoughts. Thanks!

 

PLEASE COMMENT. 

~Part 2 drops next Saturday! Do not miss it~

Follow @adewus4real

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

#SanmiSaturdays

© 2019 #WhatTheHeckMan

#WhatTheHeckMan · #WordsofWednesday · Poetry

28.

It’s 2019, well March, so I guess should finally post.
Here is to 28.

  • I hate mint gum. It tastes like trash tbh and anything mint related is TRASH. Sorry Ninz.
  • I always wear socks
  • I have road rage. My friends always talk crap about it but truth is, we all have it biko. Me I just don’t hide my own.
  • I have 3 siblings that I absolutely adore.
  • I always, ALWAYS, fall asleep in the movie theater.
  • My life goal is to be impactful – in art, music, philanthropy, faith, food, family and everything. Literally in everything I do.
  • My longest relationship lasted 4years and 11months. She is happily married. Free it.
  • My go to fast food order is at Chic Fil A. Even though I don’t go there often but I get a large strawberry milkshake, large fries, a spicy chicken deluxe, chicken tenders and chicken nuggets with tons of chic-fil-a sauce and Polynesian sauce.
  • I was born in 1991. Duh! Isn’t that why I am writing 28 of these?
  • I am 6’1+ but no one really cares about the extra, so we don’t talk about.
  • My idea of a dream date is something chill tbh. Some take out, green, drinks, physical activity, and a view.
  • I hate theme parks – rides make me sick and want to throw up. Don’t judge!
  • My celebrity crushes include Stefflon Don, Seyi Shay and someone I cannot mention.
  • My pet peeves include people constantly trying to act like victims. We all suck. Get over it.
  • In my free time, I love to play FIFA, write and be left the hell alone.
  • I love watching Nature documentaries
  • My artistic role model is David Attenborough
  • I am happiest with my family in my life.
  • My favorite color is maroon but favorite color to wear is black. I look really good in black.
  • My favorite value in friendship is understanding.
  • I use a MacBook and I need a new one. So if you want to bless me with one, do the needful.
  • I was born in Sacramento, California.
  • Right now, I feel relieved that I am finally writing and posting this almost two months after it was initially supposed to go up.
  • My favorite moment from y childhood was spending Christmas at my grandparents with my cousins from all over. RIP Grandparents.
  • I will describe myself as a complex person that is simple to understand.
  • I want to visit Asia this year.
  • I work for a tech startup.

2018 was a lot of things and I think it knocked my confidence a bit. I was searching for it in certain spaces, searching for validation and encouragement but failing to remind myself that I am freaking awesome and I deserve the best.

For the better part of the last few years, I have settled for less because I didn’t always believe my slay and I walked in the world like my previous mistakes didn’t qualify me for happiness.

Enough of that nonsense. 2019 has to be better. I deserve multiple upgrades, open doors, and orgasms. Yeah, I said it.

Finances: We have started the year well. God blessed me with a sweet promotion to start out the year and I have been walking in that spirit so far. Saving has always been a struggle for me but so far, I am able to put somethings aside and feel empowered to save. So that feels really good.
Goal is to clear all of my active debt by September. That includes credit cards that are not bringing any value and the likes.
One after the other, they must go.

Expected Score – A+

Relationships: I have not really enjoyed a relationship like my longest one and the start of my last one. Some days, I worry that I don’t even know how to do relationships and romantic love anymore. Like it legit scares me.
Part of really loving someone is being very humble and learning the person to the core. Also forming a strong relationship that most times translates to a deep bond. Loving shouldn’t be performative or hinged on reciprocity. No part of it should be vindictive or holding on to wrongdoing.
I got so used to the type where you would fight or argue and not talk for two weeks or whatever. Like it became normal after loving people that I couldn’t go 24hrs without talking to.

I used to think I was great for anyone but my focus has now been praying for my own person. IF God has already put that person in my life, then helping us connect on that and if they coming, then God keep me patient for them and vigilant. I don’t want to end the year single, again.

Expected Score – C+

Faith: I thank God for never giving up on me. I am working on being much closer and aligned with him. Just letting him have his way with me and my life.

Expected Score – B-

Fitness: I think owning my diet is the biggest hurdle to jump here and I am actively working on it. Reminding myself that I am on a journey and just putting one foot before the other.

Expected Score – B

Creativity: I am inspired again. Once I stopped searching for perfection or comparing myself to others. Look out, I will be pushing my boundaries this year.

Expected Score – A

Thanks for reading as always!

Thank you for commenting. Here is to a fun 2019!
You are highly appreciated. 

#WordsOfWednesday
© 2019 #WhatTheHeckMan

#WordsofWednesday · Fiction · Poetry

We Rise by Lifting Others

#WordsOfWednesday

Life Support

For weeks now, I have been trying to stop and write about this.
It’s been eating me for a while and over the course of this post, I will drop some familiar quotes that you may have heard.

As we get older, many of us are finding purpose in life, monetizing talents and honestly just trying to make our hustles come good for us.
As you become an “owner”, you start to find that support is weird. It’s something you know you’re not entitled to but you crave and demand in certain spaces.

“Not everyone is like you”

The aforementioned quote is important and I’ll speak to it shortly.
But, about not being entitled to support and still demanding it.
We all know that in life, nothing is promised.
Nothing is given and almost everything is earned.
By virtue of that quote, you cannot be entitled to someone’s support.
And let’s be clear, when I speak about support, I don’t mean support in being an abusive partner, I mean tangible support to greatness.

To me it should be simple, if I know you personally and I respect you, you almost automatically have my support.
That means if you are my friend and you start a business or start to chase your dreams, I will be with you.
Monetarily if I can and sometimes by just being another voice spreading the word about whatever you are doing.
Secondly, if you are someone I know in passing (Twitter, IG or in social space) and you have a sound product, I will support you as well.

I feel challenged to do good everyday, so in spaces that I find myself, I offer support.
That means buying from my friends and not expecting things for free. Or retweeting every damn thing they post and shouting them out when I can.
Look, it is not easy and honestly, I don’t think people that fail to support are evil people.
I just think as we get older, means of showing love and support should become more tangible.
It’s not enough to say you care about me but you haven’t listened to a single episode of my show all year or say you support your friend but you patronize big brands instead of their handmade or original stuff.

If you are a lazy friend, more than likely, you come off as an unsupportive friend.
It’s hard enough in a saturated social media space to carve a niche but you expect to rely on those you love to at least help you get off your feet.
Look, in the first few months of my show

“Subscribe here to my weekly radio show/podcast on iTunes. Rate us and leave us a comment if you will please”

I used to ping my friends before we went live.
Like hey,
“are you listening? We are live”
But as we go live this week, I don’t “need” my friends to have an impactful show.
But I also know how I got here, some of my friends listened every week, told others about what I do, shared my art and helped me grow.
And I owe that to everyone I care about and respect.

What sucks is when you have people who won’t actively support you.
I have a friend who is very popular in her field. Doesn’t actively support me, but supports similar brands. Now it could be because my shit sucks, which I doubt or she doesn’t care.
But recently she got nominated for an award and wanted to win badly.
Suddenly, it was “guys please log in here and vote for me”.
And I’m like sis what????
We all didn’t start at the same time but if you have been blessed with a following or a large platform, use it to be supportive.

“We rise by lifting others”

I love people that live for shouting out their friends.
It’s so beautiful to watch.

“Your support can be your currency”

Look sometimes you can’t actively support your friends.
My friend Eche, CEO of Afropolitan Group based in SF.
Has many events, sometimes weekly and I cannot attend all of them.
But I can retweet when he posts and encourage others to attend.
Or some who have friends that make expensive products that you cannot afford.
Your support can be your currency.
Spread the word and you never know who else will patronize them.

It’s also important to understand that like I said earlier, no one owes you shit.
And it is futile begging for the support of folks who are too lazy to care or don’t see value in your dream.
Keep pushing on and working hard.
One day, you’ll make it big and be bigger than you currently are.
Those same people will be the first to congratulate you and tweet/post that they knew you from earlier days.
Fuck ‘em.

Thank you!

~ The Wordsmith

 

 New Series is coming on Saturday!

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

#WordsOfWednesday
© 2018 #WhatTheHeckMan

 

#WhatTheHeckMan · #WordsofWednesday · African · African Fiction · Art · Bloggers · Drama · Erotica · Fiction · Life · Poetry · Sex · Stories · TheRants · TheRantsShow

Lipstick Stain 3


Lipstick Stain – Part 1

Lipstick Stain – Part 2


Part 3

Picking up myself from the hospital floor was so hard. I was in so much pain that I didn’t even go back into the room to check on her before I left.
My heart was hurting and my mind was racing.
How could she do this to me?
Why didn’t she tell me?
I could not fathom how she could be carrying our joy and not tell me.
How could other people have known about it without me knowing?

There was so much running through my mind. Everything I thought about her, I would feel a pain in my heart.
I never got to meet the little one. Always dreamt of having my own son.
Being Arsenal fanatics. Teaching him perseverance by supporting one of the most disappointing teams in sports history or just watching him become his own man.
I also dreamt of having a daughter, helping her find her voice in this misogynistic world, owning her black girl magic and me trying to style her hair because I got the juice like that.
But I was never going to know what that felt like. At least, I felt like I missed out.
Almost like you waited in your home all day for a delivery only to come out and see a missed delivery notice.
It sucks.

I cried the whole way home. I didn’t even let “D” come with me.
I felt truly alone and I just wanted to be alone.
As I pulled into the estate, I didn’t even greet the guards at the main gate. I tried to avoid eye contact.
A part of me was very annoyed with them as well.
How did someone bypass them, shoot my wife and none of them knew?
Idiots.

As I parked the car, I felt like something was off.
How much of it was paranoia of the last few days? I couldn’t tell.
But as I approached the main door, it appeared to have been tampered with.
There were scratches around the keyhole and it appeared someone may have tried to kick the door.
My rage boiled over, I hopped into the car and drove straight to the main gate.
As I pulled up I parked to the right side of the gate, the one not used on a daily basis and I stormed out.
The first words that left my mouth were

“Sunday, where your oga day?”

He looked taken aback.
It could have been the tone in my voice or how I was marching towards him.

“Oga wetin happen?”

Was his nervous reply.
I looked him in the face and said in an irate manner

“Person come my house, shoot my wife. Una idiots no hear anything.
Now person come try break into my house again and no security. Wetin be una job again?
Why we dey pay you?
I swear to God wey create all of us. If anything like this happen again, na me go wound una.
Walahi!”

I didn’t even give them a chance to respond as I stormed back to my car.
I got in and drove out of the estate.
My heart was racing and it felt like misplaced anger but it also felt extremely necessary.
Like damn it! Why was everything in my life so misplaced?

I couldn’t think and I just kept driving.
I did not realize how far I had gone until I pulled into the coffee shop – Cafe Neo.
Before I could tell, I was waiting in line to order.
I took a seat while they made my drink. I wanted to cry some more but a part of me just wanted to be held.
The last few days had felt like a bad dream and I wanted someone to hold me by my shoulders, shake me and tell me that I’ve been dreaming all along.
But it didn’t seem likely at all.

I got my drink and I walked out of the coffee shop.
As I was stepping out, my phone buzzed.
Reaching for it, I moved my cup into my left hand and picked up my phone.
As I answered, the person on the phone said

“Akin, long time. How’s that coffee?
Before you start trying to figure out who I am, I just want you to know something.
Do as I say and everything will be fine…”

I was frozen but my eyes were scanning the parking lot and the side of the road. I was sure the person was looking at me but I couldn’t tell where.
I turned around to look and the voice on the phone continued

“5 million in cash or the next time, your wife won’t survive”

I asked in fear

“Who are you?”

The person chuckled and said

“I know you and right now, that is all that matters…”

……

I hadn’t driven that fast in a long time and trust Lekki traffic, I was stuck.
I immediately called the doctor and said

“Doctor, please make sure someone is there to look after my wife”

Startled he replied

“Akin, I just checked on her less than an hour ago”

I wasn’t having it

“Please put someone with her, I will be there as soon as possible”

Now more concerned he said

“Is everything okay?
I mean her mother is here, I can have her sit with your wife if you like”

I said

“I don’t care, just make sure someone is with her.”

He said okay and I continued to sit there in traffic super annoyed.
At one point, I considered abandoning my car and taking an Okada.
So many questions filled my head

“Who could it be?
Were they following me?
How did they know about Lade?”

Those thoughts sailed through my head and I changed my course as soon as I got the chance to.
I couldn’t be sure if the person was following me.
About 30 minutes later, I made it to the hospital.

Rushing into the room, all I wanted to see was if Lade was doing okay.
She seemed to be asleep.
I greeted her mother reluctantly as I was still very angry about the baby.
I turned around and left the room, Lade’s mother followed me closely.

“Akin duro, je kin ba e soro”
(Akin, wait up, let me talk to you)

I turned around as she held my hand and pulled me to the side.
She fixed her glasses and said

“You are my son and a child cannot remain angry with their parent forever.
I know you are upset and to ba je emi ni (if it was me), I would be upset too.
But I want you to know that we did not keep any of this from you as a secret.
By my understanding, your birthday is on Thursday and Lade was planning to surprise you.
She found out two months ago and felt it would be a great birthday surprise gift for you.
Ma binu oko mi (don’t be angry my son)”

I tell you this now, the way she spoke to me was very reminiscent of some deep talks I had with my mother growing up.
Something about it really spoke to me.
It was like she could see that I was trying to hold the anger and she continued

“Ma binu.
Lade needs you more than ever right now. All of this does not make sense but God is in control.
You are the head of this family and God will do another for you two but right now, you need to be a rock”

I nodded as she reached up to hug me.
I wiped off the tears streaming down my face as she rubbed my back.

She said,

“It has been a rough couple of days, you need to eat and go home to get some rest.”

I shook my head and said

“I can’t leave her. I have to be there when she wakes up”

She smiled and said

“Well before you came, the doctor said they will keep her induced for another 2 days to make sure everything is okay.
I am sure you can get some rest.
I will stay and her father will come and join me later tonight. “

Reluctantly, I agreed.
She then said

“I have asked my cook to make you some food.
She will be here any moment, go home and get some rest”

I wanted to tell her about the call I got but I also can confidently tell you that an African mother is the last person you want to tell that a hit has been put out on her daughter.
So I said

“The only way I can leave is if you can guarantee that someone will be with her at all times”

She nodded and said

“I will not leave her side.
The driver and the cook are outside, come let us go and put the food in your car quickly”

We walked out into the lobby and outside to the car.
The driver immediately stepped out and the cook was in the passenger’s seat.
Someone else was in the back but I couldn’t see till I got closer. The back door opened on the owner’s corner and it was Lade’s cousin, Lolade.
She stepped out and walked around the car.
Lade’s mom’s face lit up and she said

“Ah Lola, Iwo ni. (Oh Lola, it is you)
How are you my dear?”

She knelt and greeted her aunty before I gave her a hug.
She said

“Yes ma.
I had stopped by to drop something my mom wanted to give you and I heard about what happened to Lade, so I wanted to come and check on her.
Akin, how are you holding up?

Has she woken up?”

I forced a smile and said

“Trying love. Just staying positive. No, she is still under. ”

She nodded and said

“It is well.”

I told her the room number while I collected the food from the cook.
I walked over to my car parked on the other side of the lot and opened up the trunk with the remote.
As I lowered the cooler into the trunk, I noticed something out the corner of my eye.
Tucked away in the left side of the trunk, it was staring at me.
My gun.

I was shocked.
How did it get there? I thought to myself.
I quickly turned around to make sure that nobody saw it.
I noticed Lade’s mom walking towards me as she gave instructions to the cook.

“Akin, there should be efo, obe ata ati rice.
Ila alasepo naa wa n be”
(There should be spinach stew, pepper stew with rice and okra)

She said as she walked towards me.
I said

“Thank you mummy”

And quickly closed the trunk.
My heart was racing and I was feeling exposed.
Someone was clearly trying to set me up.

….

We walked back into the hospital and Lade’s mom took her seat next to her.
I was going to leave but I wanted to also make sure that Lolade knew the importance of keeping an eye on her.
Lolade and Lade were born in the same month and their mothers are sisters, so they gave them similar names and raised them together.
You couldn’t separate them growing up until they went to college in different countries and even then, they still remained very close.

As we stepped into the hallway I said

“Lolade someone called me today and asked for 5 million or they would try to hurt Lade again
I need you to please keep a close eye on her and anyone that comes into the room.
I am going to try and get the money today”

She replied with shock

“Wait, seriously?
You are going to get the money today? From where?”

I replied

“I don’t know but I have to. Nothing can happen to Lade”

She responded

“Well nothing will happen to her here.
But don’t worry, I will watch her”

I added

“Also, her parents cannot know. Only you know right now”

She nodded.
We walked back into the room and we were met with elation.
Lade’s mom was standing and quietly motioning us forward.
She was waking up!

As we approached, I stood by her side and held her right hand.
There was a huge smile on my face.
As she smacked her lips and blinked her eyes, she looked at me and smiled.
She looked to the side and saw her mom.
There was a quick frown, almost one of confusion. I think it was then she realized she was in a hospital bed.
She opened her eyes and looked at me closely. I was still smiling and I am sure I was almost crying.
She lifted her hand as if she wanted us to remove the air mask.
I lifted it off her mouth and she swallowed hard before asking

“Where am I?”

I replied and said

“Baby don’t worry about that. We are just glad you are okay”

Before I could continue, I noticed Lolade was walking out of the room.
Lade’s mom said

“Lolade, please help us get the doctor”

Those words were like missiles because instantly, I felt Lade squeeze my hand tightly and say

“What is she doing here?”

Not reading anything into it, I rubbed her hand and said

“Babe, that’s your cousin Lolade”

She tilted her head forward and said

“I know. But what is she doing here?”

The mood in the room quickly changed.
Lolade’s mom and I looked at each other, very confused.
We looked over to Lolade and then to Lade, she looked angry.
I said

“Lade, what is going on?
That’s your cousin. Are you okay?”

Her voice was still weak but her angst was strong.
She said

“Why is she here?
She is the reason I am here”

Lade’s mom gasped and I turned my gaze to Lolade standing by the door.
Her look had changed and she had a scowl on her face.
Her next words were

“You better fucking relax Akin.
Out here trying to play Superman for this one. When the baby wasn’t even yours”


Also, please check out my midweek post “Take Me To Church“.
Huge thank you to everyone leaving comments and sharing the series with their friends! I appreciate it all.


LEAVE ME A COMMENT ABOUT HOW YOU FEELING OR WHAT YOU THOUGHT ABOUT THIS PART. 

~The explosive Part 4 drops next Saturday! Do not miss it~

Follow @adewus4real

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

#SanmiSaturdays

© 2018 #WhatTheHeckMan

#WordsofWednesday · Poetry

Take Me To Church

#WordsOfWednesday

Take Me To Church

“Offering Time!”

“Blessing Investment time”

“Offering Time”

“Blessing Investment time”

Deacon Ade reads the world famous Malachi 3:10. So predictable.
I reach for my offering inside the left breast pocket of my Asos jacket without looking. Muscle memory.
That’s how my existence with the church is now.
Not what I am getting or gaining from it now but what I learned as a child and my days at Redeemer’s High School. Think Philippians 4:13.

My relationship with the church is not symbiotic (denoting a mutually beneficial relationship between different people or groups).
It feels very one-sided. But to which side does the current flow?
There is a disconnect.

Growing up a Pastor’s kid exposed me to much of the insights and inner workings of the church.
I saw the politics, the hypocrisy and the far removed behaviors of the people of God.
Sometimes knowing too much is a curse.
I soon became jaded. Unable to tolerate the glaring flaws of the church and its people.
I saw them for who they really were, who we really are. A bunch of liars and hypocrites all trying to figure it out.
Convenient Christians.

I hear more about tithes than I hear about love and spiritual growth.
Everything is tied to the money.
Don’t get me wrong, pay your tithes. If you are lucky to attend a transparent church, you’ll most likely see the tangible benefits of your tithing.
But why do churches make themselves seem so thirsty for the money?
I watch my Pastor every week and sometimes I don’t think he realizes it. How slowly, he gets sucked into speaking about tithes during every sermon.
He wants to rally the troops to do the right thing, but inadvertently, he turns away folks who want more than “make your check out to RCCG Solomon’s Porch”

It almost feels like the eyes of the world are open but the sacred lair of the church remains impenetrable.
The misogyny is toxic and choking. Almost every conversation or teaching reeks of it and saddens me a great deal.
From teachings like “there is no such thing as marital rape” to the debilitating pressure placed on women to seek marriage. It is too much.
I find myself in a state of rage in a place that should foster peace and safety.
Women are told what to wear while men are free to do as they please.
We have a lady in the choir. Beautiful and extremely talented. Making her an easy target for the “older women of God”
Let me not forget to mention that she is well endowed all over her body. Curves to match her talent.
If it’s not forcing her to wear a robe, it’s pulling her off the altar in the middle of ministering because they feel like her body will tempt the men.
Or the absurdity of a recent incident when they made her go into the bathroom to prove to them that she was wearing panties.
Are we serious?
In 2018? People of God!
That would be fine if the rules were fair but in that same congregation, there are men that are committing adultery and stepping outside their marital homes, but who pulls them off the altar?
Who checks their withered penises to make sure they are not having sex?
Nobody.
Because the church doesn’t want to move forward and see women as free and equal.

Let’s not get into how the church is always screaming for young adults to get married but doing a poor job in preparing them.
Nothing on money management, counseling, patience, and family planning – but every Sunday it’s “we are waiting to come and eat rice”
Rada Rada!’’

The church is not all lost.
It is still a place of true fellowship and in some places, it is a safe haven but the church right now is losing its people.
People are disconnected.
We need a recharge.

This is my 200th post on my blog. Thank you to every single person that has supported me. I appreciate you.
God will never forget you and anything you do will prosper.

Thank you!

~ The Wordsmith

 

Thanks for reading as always! And don’t forget Part 3 of Lipstick Stain is coming on Saturday!

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

#WordsOfWednesday
© 2018 #WhatTheHeckMan

 

#WhatTheHeckMan · #WordsofWednesday

Are You Giving?

WordsOfWednesday

Are You Giving?

There was never a time when I dated just for fun.
Maybe when I had a FWB – friends with benefits situation but even then, I wasn’t dating the person.
Since my second relationship, I have had less than 5 o! 😂
I feel like I have always dated with a purpose – long-term commitment/marriage.

As I have gotten older, that has become the case even more than ever.
Whenever I meet someone or get approached or however it happens sha, I immediately start thinking.
Do we align?
Will we be good together?
What does she have going for her?
How much has she invested into her human capital?

This year, I started with a refocus.
I am not entirely sure how it happened but it needed to happen.
I started thinking, what do I bring to others?

Have you ever decided not to let someone in or invest in someone because they didn’t have or bring enough?
That was me but then I started thinking, since you are further on your journey, why not invest?
Be a giver, a builder.
Givers never lack they say but givers are also never “sad or needing”.

I started to think back to my relationships and friendships.
In the situations where I was giving more of myself, I was happier and I felt more fulfilled.
But if you are holding your cards waiting for the other person to swipe first, you never get to invest.

I’m writing this at the barbershop right now and a barber is talking to two guys about a new girl he is dating.
He talks about how much he likes her and how she has expanded his outlook on the world- encouraged him to travel, start reading again and putting money into his 401k.
Unintentionally, she has invested in him.

One of the guys he is talking to says
“oh she works at Chevron? She a career woman,
That’s a winner-winner chicken dinner”
Suggesting that he had hit it big with getting a great woman.
That brings me back to what we are talking about – giving.

At no point in their conversation did he allude to what he was bringing to her life.
Not to say that he isn’t bringing anything but the question is, why do we always start from a place of receiving and not giving?
We always start with what we are getting and not what we are giving.
This is not limited to relationships. This goes for friendships as well.
What are you giving?

I challenge you today, in every friendship or relationship; start from a place of giving.
Think more about the love you have to give, the support, the time, prayers and everything else.
Give more of you.
And especially to God. Give your praise, your loyalty, dedication, faith and holiness.
Don’t always think about receiving first.

You are filled with amazing gifts, start with giving. Sometimes you spend all your time waiting for others to love you how you want to be loved, that you don’t even get to show how you can love as well.
Give the best of you – not foolishly.
But I have decided, I will give more than I receive.
I will love harder, be patient, spontaneous, forgiving and just feel good about giving. If I receive back directly, fine.
If not, I’ll understand it’s not a reflection of me.
Thanks for reading another #WordsOfWenesday. Till next time, stay up!

 

Thanks for reading as always!

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

#WordsOfWednesday
© 2018 #WhatTheHeckMan

 

#WordsofWednesday

Midterms – The Year So Far…

#WordsOfWednesday

Midterms


I hated midterms in high school but I also loved them.

They came at the right time. When you needed a re-up or change in scenery or just a damn break!

But they also force you to look back and then look ahead.

Most importantly, they forced you to stop and think.

 

Sooo, what does The Wordsmith do when he can’t sleep?

He writes.

 

It is exactly 3:15am as my fingers strike the keyboard of my Macbook. I reference my MacBook, not to flex (trust me, some people would think that) but because the battery needs replacing. Can barely hold a charge.

It is important to get but not the most important thing in my life right now.

I’ll speak on this idea some more in a bit.

 

2018 is my Sink or Swim year. If you have not read my WordsOfWednesday about it, please do so HERE.

I decided in December last year while sitting in my cousin’s house in Lagos that I was going to change my approach to my life this year.

How you ask?

 

For starters, I was going to gamble on myself.

Since I graduated college in 2012, I have typically played it safe. Calculated moves and trying to stay on the side of not getting hurt – not just emotionally.

This year, I decided things would be different.

Thankfully, I was blessed with a great job in the last quarter of 2017. So I decided, 2018 would be the year I stop living from paycheck to paycheck.

 

I was going to take ownership of my finances, my relationships, my faith, fitness, and creativity.

So how have I done so far?

 

Finances

 

In 2017 alone, I traveled to the following places.

Atlanta, New York (2x), Los Angeles, Houston, Nigeria, Europe (6 countries) – at least those are the ones I remember off the top of my head.

 

Without a doubt, all of my travel last year cost me no less than $10,000 – $12,000. Between flights, hotels, car, rentals, money spent on location and such.

 

So you will understand why this year, as of July 3rd, 2018 I have only been to Los Angeles and Houston.

LA to see my brother and Houston for my cousin’s wedding.

Looking at my finances, I could quickly tell that travel was where things were hurting me the most.

Now don’t get me wrong, I would not trade any of my experiences from last year for anything. I loved getting out there and seeing the world but I am going to be 28 in January, this is the year to set up the rest of my life.

 

So I decided, less travel and less credit card debt.

 

This year alone I have now:

 

Paid off in credit card debt as of June 30th – $5700

Sent my parents on vacation – $2600+

Spent fixing and registering my car – $2200

 

Honestly, I cannot tell you how I have done it so far.

Actually I can. I have obsessed over every detail. Before I buy something, I ask myself is this a “NEED” or a “WANT”

Most times, I realize that whatever I am thinking about is something I can do without.

I was so broke last year that something had to change.

 

This year, I am on a budget. Here are some ways I have improved my financial health.

 

  • I cook lunches from home. Eating out at work will hurt you. That postdates delivery charge? Total it for two weeks. Pot of stew right there.
  • I find bargains in everything. I still shop o. Don’t get me wrong (matter of fact if I didn’t shop this year, I might have even been able to pay down one more credit card but lets not loud it).

But I look through the sale section and I buy things out of season. Snatched up a coat a few weeks ago for 80% off. Look out for it’s debut in October.

  • I have a weekly budget. A weekly budget is soooooo important.
  1. it just helps to keep you in check.
  2. It allows you to prioritize what is really important.

My weekly budget is $50. This is for everything that is NOT gas or food for the house.

So if you are asking me to come out or do this or that, make sure it is in the budget, otherwise?

I am staying my ass at home.

 

  • I DON’T GO OVER BUDGET. It can be tempting but train yourself to stay within budget.
  • I set short-term goals. It can be daunting to look at your whole financial situation and think “where do I start?”

Trust me, I thought the same thing too but you have to just start.

Start with the smaller cards or debts. Knock them out. If you can prioritize one every month. Inch away at it.

Before you know it, the outlook is looking a lot better.

  • Understand that it is a marathon, not a sprint. The financial mess I got myself in was 4 years in the making. 6 months wont undo it all but it surely is a start.

One that I am making strides on and you can too.

 

Relationships

TRASH.

Yup. I have been trash.

 

I feel like I need a reboot for the year when it comes to relationships but yeah. It’s all good.

I am not happy (in this department) and I don’t even want to try.

You ever had such bad experiences that you are just like, “why bother?”

 

Yeah, that’s me right now.

 

Faith

I was mad at the church and mad at God for much of last year.

I feel the Nigerian church has a unique way of alienating young people (more on this in a few weeks). So I stayed away for most of it and gave up one thing I really love doing – praising God.

 

Late last year, someone told me “your service is for God and not them, do not let being mad at them push you away from giving God what He deserves.”

I am a lot better this year.

Not where I want to be at all but much closer. Serving, being patient and looking for new ways to improve my relationship with Him.

Things are looking up.

 

Fitness

Short and sweet – down 17lbs since I started working out and eating “better” on April 1st.

I can still do better but I’ll keep working.

Hoping to hit the 30lbs mark by the end of the summer.

 

How am I doing it?

 

Monday – No gym. I have my show in the evenings, so yeah.

Tuesday – Back and Biceps

Wednesday – Shoulders and Triceps

Thursday – Rest day

Friday – Chest and light legs/cardio

Saturday – Rest plus I have choir practice, so yeah.

Sunday – Chest and abs

 

I work abs into everyday but on Sunday, I do a full ab circuit.

 

Btw, who wants to join me for a weight loss challenge? Let’s drop 10lbs in July.

You with me?

 

Creativity

 

I haven’t done as much as I would want.

I need to expand more on this. The book I am writing though.

I will blow your mind. Simple.

 

WATCH THIS SPACE!

 

As you can see from my goals I wrote late last year/early this year, I have accomplished some but a lot is left to be worked on.

I challenge you, outline your goals, even the ones that don’t have a hard deadline and start working on them.

Start now.

It will be tough. Really tough but you can do it.

And I am here to help along the way if you need me. We are family.

 

We will all eventually get there.

I trust we will.

 

So what midterm grade would I give myself this year so far?

Finances: A-

Relationships: F

Faith: B

Fitness: A

Creativity: C+

 

Overall score: N*GGA GET YOUR ASS BACK TO WORK! With your score giving ass!

 

Lol, I am doing well. Better will come because if you know me, you know I never settle for mediocre.

Thank you for being here and holding me accountable.

 

How are you doing in 2018 so far?

Leave me a comment below, let’s work together.

 

Thanks for reading as always!

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

#WordsOfWednesday
© 2018 #WhatTheHeckMan

 

#WhatTheHeckMan · #WordsofWednesday

Convenient Christian 3

#WordsOfWednesday

Convenient Christian – 2014
https://wp.me/p3GjtC-l5

Convenient Christian 2 – 2015
https://wp.me/p3GjtC-nE

Convenient Christian 3

I know your word
I remember the stories
The ones I was taught as a toddler
I google verses before I tweet
My love for you is weak
Even though you love me with all my sin
I know your names
Many as they are
But sometimes I am not sure you remember who I am
It’s in the beauty of the love
That you love me regardless of what I have to give
You give me everything and I am nothing without you
So why do I treat you like an option
When you treat me like a priority

I nibble at your love
Like a child picking through their dinner plate
The vegetables are like the meat of your truth
I seem to ignore the commandments that make me feel uncomfortable
The ones that challenge me
But righteous I am on the Twitter pages
Yet finding the book is harder than finding the book of Ruth
Tithing is a pain
Vacationing is a must have
Sex is conditional
My member will rise
But my face will frown at the next church-wide fast
I know how to call on you when I truly need you
Right before that job interview
Or big board meeting

I love to love you in my bio
I display captions as testimonies of your blessings
But do I really worship you for what you give
That which doesn’t seem IG worthy
I’ll make it to the club before 11pm because it’s free
But late into your house because no one can talk to me
The things of the world that don’t love me
Get more love from me
Happiness is fleeting
Because it is not rooted in you
So I show the highlights to the world
But I crave your filling in private
I had your number
Even the password
But I tried to get in half-heartedly so many times
I’ve locked myself out
Open up, please
I may never admit it to the world
But I am in need
Of you

It is not all doom and gloom
Because believe it
Your blessings that I never truly deserve
Still make me a testimony
And that’s why I love you so much
Because you love me
Even when I am faithless and unfaithful
You stand for me
Protect me
You fight for me
Like I am your last asset
You found me
I’m so glad that you found me
Please pull me in closer
Help me focus truly on you
Fill me up
Because no matter how I try to pretend
Bo noo ni.

2016 and 2017, I did not write an edition of Convenient Christian. I started writing it as a reflection on my life, my walk and my journey.
A reminder that my flaws were glaring and my shortcomings were high.
I needed to plainly show how much I was cutting corners.

You probably read it and found yourself in there too.
Some of it stuck, some obviously not but you were in there with me. A convenient Christian.
Paul said “…that which I should do, are the hardest for me to do”
I yearn to be much better than I currently am and I find myself slipping, falling and sometimes just being too damn, yeah you guessed right – convenient.

Over the last few weeks, I have felt a heaviness in my soul.
Not just in my heart, my soul. It was so bad that it crippled my body. I would wake up heavy but empty.
Alive but feeling dead.
Broken and bleeding.

I tried everything. Writing, going out, drinking and other things that typically brought temporary happiness.
Nothing worked.
Until I turned to the surest location.
God.

I cried and felt the weight lifted.
I realized that for a few years, I had been searching for happiness in the wrong things.
My blog, my show, my friendships, follower counts, how many people like me, how much money I was making, how impactful I became.
You see, all of was fleeting. Don’t get me wrong, I would still love to prosper in all those things but after a while, they just never filled me up.

I was going into relationships/friendships/dating with the intention of becoming whole.
Trying to see what they would pour into me, but two people with half-full cups cannot conduct holy communion.
It was never going to work.
It then became a chess match, who was willing to give up their position.
Instead of tapping into an endless well of love and fulfillment.

It was weird yo.
Like I would be so high off something and then this dark cloud would set over me.
Wiping out everything. I have seen depression. We know each other but then I started to think about the last time I was actually truly happy.
Like really really happy. And that made me sad.

Because we don’t see God, it is easy to not take him as serious. Or chop and change what parts of his presence, we want to take seriously.
It is a mistake.
It is insanely important to devote all to him. ALL.
We cut corners, ignore certain parts of the bible or the truth. We fight his word because we know it robs us of the convenience that comes with being average in our walks.
Excuses for everything, I even blamed my church as annoying as they are, as the reason I want going to serve.
Pathetic.

As I write this, this year, it is a damning call to action for me.
I have fucked up.
This year was meant to be my “take back my happiness year”. It has been positive in many notes but flat on others.
This year, this piece is a call to action.
To stand up for what is right. To give up my seat and tough it out.
To be counted.
To step out of the shadows.
To stop being a fucking convenient Christian – sorry Jesus, I’m working on it. I promise.

Will you be stepping out of your convenient position? Any actionable first steps.
Share in the comment section below.

 

I’ll also leave you with this song that has been jolting my heart for a few weeks. The words are everything I love about God.
No one else but…


Bo Noo Ni (feat. Luigi Maclean) by Joe Mettle

Love always,

The Wordsmith.

Thanks for reading as always!

New series out on Saturday!
Please watch this space!

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

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