#WordsofWednesday

HOW YOU DOING, Sanmi?

This is for everyone…feeling right now.

WordsOfWednesday

2:54am
I was talking to a friend about a month into the lockdown and I brought up the fact that our parents had similar and very different battles as they grew up. My mother was born during the civil rights movement. My father watched civil wars, coups, dictatorships, polio, HIV, and Trump.
I know it seemed like a huge jump to Trump but truly think about everything we have gone through as a race and a global community since he came into office. Fuck.

From our conversation, he mentioned the fact that we have to document these times.
The societal issues are largely accounted for in hashtags and op-ed’s but we need our own account.
As a writer, I am very guilty of not really liking to read back my work. 
Idk why but once I create it and put it out, it belongs to YOU. Somehow, I kind of detach from the content and I just hope it’s impactful.

So for this piece, I have decided to write it like a journal/diary entry and I hope you find something here or just enjoy how I write if that’s all you need.
I had such high hopes for 2020, and honestly, it could still turn out fucking amazing but at this exact moment – FUCK.

  • WW3 scares
  • Australian Wildfire
  • Covid-19
  • Cancellation of Sporting Events
  • Confirmed UFO Sightings
  • Murder Hornets
  • Evidence of Parallel Universes
  • Murders of Black people + Riots across America
  • Return of #Anonymous

And it’s just June.

I remember telling someone that I didn’t think that the lockdown for this long. I was sure that the capitalist world that is America would force them to send us back to work as soon as they could.
I was wrong.
I think 2020 so far has shown us that the saying “we have seen it all” is nonsense because we have not seen this shit.
At least not at this rate. I feel largely conflicted on most days. The lockdown has reactivated my creative talents through @TheRantsShow and this blog. I am back to writing more and sharing it.
Key part: sharing it.
The best days on my blog (thanks to people like you for being here to read this) since 2017 have all come while the whole world is protesting the murders of #GeorgeFloyd #AhmaudArbery #BreonnaTaylor and the brutal raping of Tina & Uwa. #JusticeForTina #JusticeForUwa
So while personally, I have finally found some joy, I am still immensely consumed by sadness and dread.

Getting laid off in March, I struggled to keep my head afloat for about a month. Then I got to the final stages of a company I thought I wanted to work for and I was passed over.
Enter depression, doubt, and dejection.
So as I turned to my creative outlets like I know how I was so happy to be finally in the groove again.
And even that feels unfair. It feels unfair to be happy.
To have things that make you smile when my people are dying and the world is reeling.

Being unemployed in the middle of a pandemic, while worrying about your health and life is a different level of crazy.
Then the overwhelming news of pain and sadness everywhere you turn feels like being in a toxic relationship that you know you need to leave but you can’t seem to figure out how.
Everywhere I turn, I feel stuck.
For many of the reasons listed above, I have questioned God. Why this or why that?
Yet, I have somehow found some peace in God still.
It’s weird.

I can’t seem to think of much than getting a new job.
I know we should not be defined by our jobs but I feel like not being an active contributor in life truly bothers me.
I tend to feel inadequate AF.
I want to be doing things, being impactful, and truly touching lives. I keep thinking about @TheRantsShow’s Annual Give Back – will I be able to touch the lives of these kids this year due to the pandemic and being out of a job?
Sigh.

I was taking the trash out earlier tonight and my heart started racing. I stopped on the stairs to process for a second and I realized that it was because there is a county-wide curfew at the moment. So from 9pm-5am, everyone needs to be in their homes.
But I started thinking, what if a police officer saw me and I got shot or something bad happened.
I know in your mind, like in a mind, a quick thought came in about how I could potentially be thinking irrationally but just look at most of the recent killings of black men and women.
Nothing seems irrational or impossible anymore.

I worry about my blood brothers



and all my friends, acquaintances, and just random people.
Who got us?
Every time they call my phone, I panic. Is one calling me because something happened to the other one?
Did someone assault or abuse my sister?
Is everything okay?
I worry about walking to the 7/11, driving, being in the workplace, being around a certain group of people (yes, those people), or just fucking existing and it being a crime to be alive and black.
I worry.
A lot.
And that is weird for me. I hate worrying. I am team, worry about what you can control, change it, or allow it.
This sucks.
I feel like I’m constantly watching my back, waiting for the other shoe to drop.
It’s mad.

We need to train our boy child.
All over the world but especially in Nigeria and the broader Africa.
Men need to stop raping women/girls.
It has to stop.
It doesn’t matter where they go. Women are not safe.
And what is mad is that through everything, they stay protecting us. How?!
We need to take the time to teach self-awareness, consent, and have firm consequences for people that violate other people on any level.
I wish I lived in Nigeria and I could have those conversations with young boys.
Consent is attractive. Consent is peace of mind. Consent is to be given, respected and can be revoked.
I pray for the families of the young women abused by animalistic men.

My heart is heavy.
My soul is weary.
My body is achy.
We all need peace.
Please do not give up the fight. We can and we will pull through.
I believe in us.
Please stay safe out there, we are fighting two wars – a global pandemic and racism.
Stay safe and sane.
Catch part two of Bastards next Saturday. Did you miss part one? Read it here

So how are you doing, Sanmi? You may ask…

HURTING. Really HURTING.

How are YOU feeling?
Leave your answers in the comment section below.

Thanks for reading as always! 💕
Till next time, stay up!

Please leave a comment Below!

Please comment, retweet and share. Thank you for your continued support.
You are highly appreciated.

WordsOfWednesday

© 2020 #WhatTheHeckMan

#WhatTheHeckMan · #WordsofWednesday

Too Faithful to Fail Me

When your Offering Changes…

At a church in Lagos, Nigeria during offering time: https://www ...
Picture taken at the offering station in one of Nigeria’s leading churches.

About a month ago, I stumbled on this song.
I won’t even lie to you, my first reaction was slight jealousy of how beautiful his voice was.

Too Faithful by Moses Bliss

The lyrics of the song speak so distinctly to my life.
As I write this on the ferry home from work, I had to give in to the tears.

A couple of Sundays ago, I was at church. It was offering time and as we walked up to give our offering, I noticed that I was giving a denomination much higher than I was used to.
Not only that, it was now a norm for me.
I asked myself, when did your offering change?

I grew up listening to pastors that preached giving. They would tell you that you had to give where it hurts and you could feel it. This space felt weird to me.
Not because I was giving a crazy amount but because I had enough.
More than enough.

For many, the barometer of how great God is usually gauged by financial success or wealth.
And while it is not the only measurement I use, it sure is a telling one in today’s society.
Being able to “financially” do more in God’s household is such a blessing.

I am grateful for my offering changing. I remembered the days where I would pray that God accepted my $1 and now I can give 10 times that without feeling like I wouldn’t see the next week. He listens. But you cannot stop giving once he gives you. That is what makes the blessings flow, even more, continuing to make God proud so he continues to give you more.

Referencing times that I didn’t have enough or realizing that my offering has changed, is a reminder that God is too faithful to fail me.
At various points, I put my trust in him and when I didn’t have enough at MY time, I questioned him.
I remember one year that a Pastor asked us to sow a seed at the beginning of the year. I dropped $250 for me and another $250 on behalf of my siblings.
Later that year, I was out of a job.
Shocked and sad, I wasn’t sure how to begin or where to begin.
I kept saying “you asked me to trust you” and this happened?
And then I realize something, as I tag off the ferry, there is so much I have been able to do out of this “not having enough” that reminds me that God is too faithful to fail me.

_______________________
UPDATE:
It’s amazing that I wrote the piece above the line between February and March. At the end of March, I lost my job due to the effects of COVID19.
Part of my offering changing and God’s faithfulness is how I have been able to stay afloat through all of this.
It has been truly amazing how God has shown himself and a firm reminder that he has bigger plans for us.
I wrote that without knowing a pandemic would take away my source of income and overall happiness.
But God has been working hard on me as a man to not place my worth and belief in material things. God is too faithful to fail me.
Also if you have not read my just-concluded series “Scar Tissue”. You can read part 4 here.
________________________

What does your growth look like to you?
What are those blessings that still shock you? How is your offering different now from what it used to be?
Leave your answers in the comment section below.

Thanks for reading as always! 💕
Till next time, stay up!

Please Leave a Comment Below!

Please comment, retweet and share. Thank you for your continued support.
You are highly appreciated.

WordsOfWednesday

© 2020 #WhatTheHeckMan

#WhatTheHeckMan · #WordsofWednesday · African Fiction · Erotica · Stories

Scar Tissue

The beauty in this series is your engagement. You shape this story through every comment. So leave your mark!

3:36am
I couldn’t sleep. The clubs had closed and the Denny’s across from my downtown apartment was full. The line typically circled the building on late nights. It was the only diner that stayed open late.
The noise actually was not what was keeping me awake. To be honest, I enjoyed it most nights.
From my bedroom on the 5th floor, I have watched fights break out, people make up, proposals and even someone going into labor.
In my days, I had given a peepshow or two to the non-paying customers because I forgot to close my window.
Oh, the late-night buns on display.

On this night, I really needed that sleep.
I had an early morning and I just wanted to sleep, but it had reached that intersection where you asked yourself if sleeping was the right move.
I was now worried that if I slept, I could oversleep and miss my appointment.
Reluctantly, I turned around and pulled open my bedside drawer.
It didn’t take long but I picked my player.
I repositioned on the bed and spread my legs.
Click.
Buzz.
7:30am.

I forgot to brush my teeth.
Looking up at the monitor, I was hoping I could get out of there as quickly as possible. I took a swig of the Listerine in my purse.
A few seconds later, my client returned. It was the first time I was visiting the VA office. I never knew they were this organized and rowdy at the same time.
My client, let’s call him “Jay”, leaned over and said,

“Thank you for coming with me. I hope if we can get the records here, they will help my case”

I smiled, clutched his left hand and said

“I hope so too Jay. I hope so”

He was reading a copy of the New York Times magazine and I was replying to emails from the firm when I glanced up and saw someone at the desk being attended to.
My first reaction was the internal “hell nahhh”
I sprung up, walked up to the desk and said,

“Excuse me sir, I think you just cut everyone here and ma’am, we have been waiting for hours”

I was clearly upset but I could not understand why he was smiling. From the moment I spoke, he had the biggest grin on his face.
He did not immediately respond.
I started to scan him from top to bottom. He was wearing a matching forest green tracksuit and it was soaked in sweat.
It appeared that he had just finished a workout or something along the lines.
The lady behind the counter spoke first

“Ma’am, he is…”

I didn’t let her finish, I asked him directly

“Is there something I said that was funny?”

The smile on his face slowly disappeared and then he said

“Hi, my name is Denzel. It is a pleasure to meet you this fine Saturday morning.
I apologize if I cut in ahead of you. It was not my intention to be rude”

He then turned to the lady behind the counter and said

“Please see that she is attended to immediately”

And then he walked away.

The lady behind the counter, Anita, from her name plate, rolled her eyes and began to attend to me.
She gave me a few documents and said

“Please fill this out with your client and bring it back to me. You don’t have to wait in line”

I grabbed the clipboard, my documents and pen while turning around to sit down. Then I heard her say

“Oh by the way ma’am, that man wasn’t cutting the line. His company sponsors weekend hours with the government. He is a senior manager there and our liaison.”

I wanted the ground to swallow me up.
How did I make such a fool of myself? You see why I tell you I needed more sleep?!
Fuck!
I walked back to my seat next to Jay. As I sat down he said with a smile

“Don’t worry about it, we’ve all had embarrassing moments”

We both giggled, I did so wishing the ground would open up and swallow me.

The first hand embarrassment sat in my throat as I helped Jay complete the documents. We were rounding up when I heard a voice.
It said

“Hello sir, do you mind giving me your seat for just a few minutes?”

I looked up and it was Denzel. That beautiful smile brightened up his face.
I was so lost in it, I barely noticed as Jay slid over. He also had this sheepish smile on his face.
Denzel sat down and said

“I hate to interrupt but as I walked to my car, I realized that I would be incredibly unfulfilled if I did not get your number and a chance to know you better.
So, my name is Denzel and if you wouldn’t mind, I would love your number, please”

I wanted to blurt out the numbers but for whatever reason, these words came out next

“And what if I don’t give out my number to men I don’t know?”

Unflustered, he smiled again and said

“Well, this is our second meeting and you know my name. So technically, you know me. I just don’t know you…yet”

He wouldn’t stop smiling.
It made me want to smile too, actually, I think I was smiling already.
I replied

“Well since I already embarrassed myself today, I guess giving you my number won’t hurt”

He handed me his phone and I typed in my number and saved my name.
He looked down at the phone and smile as he said

“Leila. That’s such a beautiful name”

He rose and stretched out his hand to shake mine

“Well Leila, it is a pleasure to meet you. I have to run now but I will text you as soon as I can”

I nodded with a smile as I shook his hand.
He turned to leave and said

“Thank you sir and Leila, I have a feeling we’re going to be really good friends”

At that moment, I was so glad I didn’t oversleep.


Two weeks would go by before Denzel and I would see each other again.
It turns out that right after we met, he headed to the airport and was on a work trip for two weeks.

Asides from the first two nights after that Saturday, we had talked on the phone every night and texted through most of the days.
He worked for an investment firm based out of Silicon Valley with projects all over the world as a global lead. Somehow in the two weeks, he had come up with a nickname for me “Bono”. A nod to the music icon but also a reference to the fact that I led the pro-bono department at my law firm.

If there was one thing that was truly beautiful about talking to Denzel, it was how easy it was to talk to him.
Nothing felt forced or pressured. He was so well versed in most topics that we had content for days. Never a dull moment.
We locked in a time for our first date.
It was the Saturday he got back. I wanted him to rest after his long flight from Amsterdam, but he was adamant that he wanted to see me.
We set the time for 8pm.

Funny enough, I was ready.
Typically late but on this day, I was ready. READY.
I was on the phone with my girls when the text message came through

“Hey beautiful, I’m outside”

The girls teased me because I actually looked really excited.

“I’ll call y’all later babes”

Sharon said

“No you won’t. Especially if you getting it on tonight”

I giggled and said

“That ain’t happening…at least not tonight”

Ezi said

“LOL”

“Bye ladies”

I said cheekily as I tapped the red circle on the screen.

Hair check.
Reapplied my lip stick.
Fixed my blouse.
Checked to make sure I had my cards in my purse and ID.
Pepper spray.
Full body check.
And now I was ready.

As I stepped out of the building he was standing by the passenger door, leaning on the car and pressing his phone.
He looked up as he heard my footsteps.
The first words out of his mouth were

“Wow, you look amazing”

I smiled and replied

“Thank you”

He opened my door and closed it before walking around the car to hop in.
As he started driving, I could feel how much I was liking him come through.
There was just something about the way he gripped the wheel.
I finally said

“You clean up really nice as well”

Looking at his buttoned down shirt inside his dark blue blazer.
He smiled and said

“Much better than a tracksuit, I reckon?”

I smiled and mimicked him

“Reckon… who even says that?”

That was one of the jokes we had – me teasing him about growing up in London and South Africa. At various points, he sounds like a completely different man.

“We brits!”

He chimed back.
I laughed and teased him about the fact that he had now lived in America for almost 10years and he couldn’t claim to be British anymore.
We laughed and he kept driving.

A few minutes later we pulled into the parking garage. It was a short walk to the restaurant where we were having dinner.
Such a cute little spot by the water. You could hear the music playing out of it as we walked up.
He checked us in and we were quickly sat at our table.

It was a “wine” restaurant. I feel like there is a more formal name for it but it’s escaping me right now, so that would have to do.
Basically, the wines are the entrees and the bites plus meals serve as the sides.
We got an 8 rack which gave us a glass each of eight wines in the category we chose.
They were mostly sweet because that is what I liked but one or two were dry and crisp like he liked.

The conversation was beautiful, we talked about everything from how I decided to be a lawyer to him being a son of a diplomat and living around the world.
We talked about my dog that I just had to put down, dating in San Diego, and even the Farmer’s market.
Immigration and women’s rights did not get left out either. I had to make sure he did not vote for Trump.

As the night wound down, we agreed to take a walk by the waterfront and sober up while still talking.
I was admiring how tall he was and how good he looked in his coat when he reached out with his left hand to hold my right hand.
He walked on the side closest to the water.
His voice was so calm, the night felt perfect and we got closer to each other as we walked.
As we strolled, he noticed a rock right in the middle of the path. He slightly broke away from me and kicked it into the water.

He jokingly jogged and stretched out his hands like a soccer celebration while cheering himself.
I said

“Oh look at you! World Cup winner eh?”

He smiled and said

“You don’t know that I scored the winning goal at the last World Cup?”

We both chuckled.
I added

“Look at you soccer player. I bet I could outrun you right now”

He stopped and faced me while continuing to walk backwards as he said

“That’s unfair because you’re a runner but I am pretty sure I could still take you”

The competitor in me jumped out and I said

“I’ll take you on this lawn right now”

He said

“In those heels?”

I stopped and started to take them off.
He seemed surprised but up for it.
I pulled the shoes into my hands and I pointed down the field and said

“First to that pillar over there”

He said

“Let’s get it!”

We lined up next to each other and I counted

“On your marks, get set….. GO”

He took off!
I started to wonder why I even agreed to it, he was so much fitter than me.
He was gone and I was laughing while trying to catch up with him.
Suddenly, it got dark.
And I couldn’t feel my legs.
Seconds later, I could feel the wet of the grass from the sprinklers on my hair.
I heard his voice get closer as he screamed in panic

“Leila, Leila… can you hear me?”

I faintly saw him as my eyes closed.
That was the last thing I remember.


I woke up in the hospital.
Confused, I tried to look around and find my bearings.
I couldn’t see much around me. I was too weak but I was scared that something bad had happened.

Before I could turn, Denzel was standing next to the bed – holding my hand.
He whispered

“It’s okay Leila. You’re okay”

I had a tube down my throat, so I could not speak.
I wanted to make sounds and ask him what had happened.
Just as I motioned, the doctor and my nurse walked in.

“Hi Ms. Leila, how are you feeling?
Nod if you’re feeling okay”

I nodded.
He looked over to Denzel and said

“Who are you sir?”

He straightened up and said

“Ummmm… I’m her friend”

He looked around and said

“Well, if it’s okay, I have some confidential information to share with my patient, would you mind stepping outside the room?”

Denzel looked at me as if to confirm that he was stepping out.
He stepped out as the nurse took out the tube from my mouth.
My mouth was bitter and I was trying to swallow but it hurt too much.

The doctor looked at me and said

“I am really sorry that you are going through this at this time but I am so glad you made it in when you did.
We did some scans and we discovered that you have a hole in your uterus.
It led to some internal bleeding and is probably what caused you to pass out.
We can try to manage it going forward but my recommendation would be surgery as soon as possible.”

It hit me like a ton of bricks.
I think I just froze there. Thinking back now, I am sure that I was actually crying.
He leaned in and said

“I know it is scary but I promise, you are in the best hands. Everything will be okay”

It took me a few minutes to gather myself and I said

“Can I have a few minutes to think about it?”

The doctor and nurse nodded and stepped out of the room.
Denzel walked back in towards me.
As he smiled at me, I broke down.
He walked over to the bed and without saying anything, he just held me.

Tears. Snot. Fears.
What the Heck Man!

End of Part 1. Please leave a comment below or on social media!

~Release part 2 early? 20 comments and we have a deal~

Follow @adewus4real

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated.

#SanmiSaturdays

© 2020 #WhatTheHeckMan

#WordsofWednesday · Art · Fiction · Poetry · TheRantsShow

Content

“Contentment”

Growing up, my mother always made a point to teach us about contentment.
We were raised to appreciate what we had – however little it was.

It became a guiding principle.
When I graduated college and went into nonprofit work, some of my friends with engineering degrees went into $60,000+ jobs while I made a measly $28,000 per year.
I never saw them as better or myself as less than.
I have always been financially sound and economical. We took the same vacations and ate at the same places. I was able to contribute always.
I was always content with what I had.

This piece has been on my mind for a few weeks now because I have been thinking about contentment from a place of having more than enough.
Over the last few years, there has been very little in my life that I have not been able to have.
One area of my life that has been easier than others is attraction from women.
Sometimes without even trying, I get people that express themselves or want to be with me.
It is scary and unnerving.

I can look at a person in my life and say “if I really wanted them, I could have them”
It’s been that “easy”.
But how does one stay content in abundance?
Those weren’t lessons that we were taught as kids or even young adults.
So I’ve been having that dialogue with myself internally about what maturity looks like.
It’s not always being able to be okay with not having, it’s being okay with having enough.

What is enough you ask?
We chase after money, status, growth, promotion, and in many cases, we do it relentlessly.
We are encouraged to go beyond what we currently have.
Enough is when that internal clock tells you that you shouldn’t be going for that extra.
Usually when you are eating, there is something called a satisfaction point.
It’s the point before your stomach starts to stretch itself to accommodate that extra spoon of rice.
Where eating is no longer for pleasure but out of greed or survival.

Update added on 3/11/2020: Most of this piece was done more than 3weeks ago but something happened last night.
I got texts from two people in both situations, there was enough said to make me turn my head.
Reconsider.
Re-explore.
Be discontent.
But I am thankful for the thoughts that reminded me to focus on me. What I have and I am building.
Staying where I am chosen and not seeking more, the more may seem glamorous but isn’t always so.
Contentment is being okay in the unknown but having faith and discernment to hold firm.

Abundance comes with responsibility.
Ease of access comes with self-control – in any walk of life.
As I grow and morph into better versions of myself, I hope I retain the ability to say no when I don’t even have to ask the thing in question.

Till next time, stay up!

Please Leave a Comment Below!

Thank you for reading!

Please comment, retweet and share. Thank you for your continued support.
You are highly appreciated.

#WordsOfWednesday
© 2020 #WhatTheHeckMan

#WordsofWednesday · Life · Nigerian Writers

Start to Finish: Deciding to Win at life!

#WordsOfWednesday

Start to Finish

Written by @adewus4real

When was the last time you were truly in love?
And it blossomed into a beautiful garden?
When was the last time you started and finished something?
For most people, you are still reading but passively trying to remember the last thing you saw till the end.
The last time you stuck to a diet or finished a project.
What about that thing that you promised to learn how to do?

I’ve been thinking about the idea of completion and how it fosters confidence and growth.
Thinking about my life, I realized there weren’t many things that I have truly seen through.
Of course, I can count my two degrees and such but how many goals over the years have I been committed to all the way?
How many times have I decided to lose weight and quit once I started seeing some progress or life trials came knocking?
How many times did I decide to jump back in and once I dipped my toes in, I got flustered and ran?
Continuously, we fail to follow through.
It doesn’t make us bad people or people without integrity, sometimes life is just – hard.

But over the course of the month of June, I decided to take up ONE thing and crush it.
And that was my fitness.
I committed to going to the gym/working out at least 4-5 times a week.


From the picture above, you can see that I did it.
The confidence I got from that is what I am now transferring to my daily routines – skincare, teeth hygiene, prayer and daily devotion.
I used to get weary about being able to continue something for a long time or the rest of my life.
A part of me realized that it was because I was trying to build steady routines in 5 conflicting areas of my life at once.
I had to step back and carefully reassess.

I started the #75HardChallenge on Sept 1st and I am not just looking at it to be a physical transformation but a reminder that I truly can do this.
Completely reset my whole thinking and tap into a level of grit that I have never really tapped into.

Today I’m writing this to encourage myself and you as well. Select ONE thing, one muscle that you can strengthen over the next month or so. Once you complete that, you can translate it to something else and then another and another.
For me, I kept thinking about how relationships are and how I have some anxiety about being stable for long periods of time.
I had to remind myself to stay small.
Conquer a month, then two and then six before you know it, you know how to do it.

So pick up that book, go on that date, hit the gym again or just take time out to love yourself each day.
There is beauty in completion. There is strength in perseverance.
One of my favorite quotes says “there is no fatigue felt on the day of victory.” I agree completely.
So what are you committing to over the next month?

Please leave a comment below. (can you do that? lol)

Stay up!

Thank you for reading!

Please comment, retweet and share. Thank you for your continued support.
You are highly appreciated. 

#WordsOfWednesday
© 2019 #WhatTheHeckMan

#WordsofWednesday

Pills, Pain & Depression

Pills, Pain & Depression

As I write this, I am standing and leaning on my standing desk at the office.
My right leg is folded and on my desk chair behind me.
This morning, it was hard to get out of bed as it sometimes has been for many days in the past 3 years.

On August 12, it will mark 3 years since I tore my ACL playing football.
It was a non-contact injury. I overstretched for a pass and I heard it pop and crack. Everyone told me to get up and stop being dramatic and put ice on it.
I did that for a few weeks before getting an MRI – blown meniscus on both sides and a torn ACL.
3 surgeries later, the pain is still very familiar as is the sinking feeling in my stomach every single time I think of playing again.
I love(d) playing, competing and just being amongst other men.

I remember I would save up all my aggression and road rage until I was ready to go and play on Saturday mornings. I would yell at people, pick fights and just let loose.
And for 3 years now, that outlet has not been there.
Thinking back to who I was before the injury and who I am now, one thing is clear, I’ve changed.
I was a bit more social, although I felt like that side of me was fading.
I was going out less and trying to focus more on honing the man I wanted to be. Now, it is almost impossible to get me out of bed, even to go and get my check daily.

Many mornings, I wake up before my alarm and lay there. There is a warm sensation in my right shin and my knee is always sore.
I am used to popping pills – only pain pills. I have had people recommend CBD oils and marijuana for pain management but mehhhh.
I don’t like myself and not because I love myself any less but not many people know what it feels like to not feel whole.
To not feel complete.
Body parts are complete but not functioning right and it is incredibly hard to explain to anyone.
So yes, you start to want to take less care of yourself. I remember one evening, I was in so much pain I cried and then I punched my knee for 3 minutes.
It obviously swole like Agege bread in water but I didn’t care.
I was angry and depressed.

For years, I battled suicidal ideation and depression on many fronts. Like knowing the things that triggered me and how best to avoid them.
But how do you avoid your own body?
Knowing that you are basically the one keeping the door open.
Somedays, it is the quickest mood switch and it makes it hard on the people that love you.
Yesterday, for example, I was talking to someone I truly enjoy talking to but I was in so much pain that I immediately got into a sour mood.
I didn’t want to speak or be spoken too.
That is who I am now but it is not who I am and that itself depresses me further.

Somedays, the pills work. Therapy works. Love works. Prayer works.
And then it doesn’t.
Then I am left with my thoughts and tears.
And when I smile, people think I am happy. People invite me to things and some have even stopped inviting me because everything feels like a chore.
Taking the trash out, driving to the airport or practice or simply giving a fuck.
I know I don’t want to be this person or live my life in pain and surrounded by pills.

There is not much you can do.
Say a prayer if you can.
But I know there are many like me out there. Smiling but hurting.
Beautiful smiles like mine (been told) but broken “bones”.
Remember to go that extra mile to check on people, even the ones that promise you they are fine.
Behind the smiles, the truth lies and the truth they say hurts but this pain, this one hurts more.

Thanks for reading as always!

Thank you for commenting. Here is to a fun 2019!
You are highly appreciated. 

#WordsOfWednesday
© 2019 #WhatTheHeckMan

#WhatTheHeckMan · #WordsofWednesday · African · African Fiction · African Stories · Art · Bloggers · Drama · Erotica · Fiction · Life · Nigerian Writers · Oakland · Poetry · Sex · Stories · TheRants · TheRantsShow · Uncategorized · Wirting

The Fixer

The Fixer

“I am so tired.
I am tired. I don’t need any encouraging words or “it will get better”
I am tired.
For the last 10 days, I have been dealing with family stuff as someone has been unexpectedly and worryingly sick in my immediate family.
Putting on a strong face and trying to keep it all together but dying inside.
I am so stressed. I want to cry every day but I feel like I am too strong. I need to be strong to hold it all together.
Parking was a fucking shit show this morning because of stupid construction happening in the fucking high of the day!
Took me over an hour to park. I hate everyone and everything.
My parents lied!
They promised me, forced me to get stupid degrees and promised to pay my student loans.
I make enough but the costs never stop.

Like that was money I was still thinking I would use to buy the rest of the shit I need for Nigeria or even pay for lodging!
I just want to close my eyes and everything ends.
I am tired.

I don’t want to feel all this pain.
I don’t want to be strong.
Don’t fucking know why I am typing this to you but idk.
FUCK THIS SHIT!”

I hit send on the text message, placed my phone to the side of my bed and I closed my eyes.
Seconds later, my mind was racing. I was filled with remorse and regretting even opening up.
I wanted to pick up my phone but this was not WhatsApp, this message was not getting deleted or erased.

The sunlight beamed through the blinds as I woke up. I picked up my phone and looked at the notification panel.
1:38pm.
Fuck! How did I sleep for so long?

I sluggishly got up, weaving through my notifications and apps, I ignored my bible app reminder and went straight for my iMessage.
As I pulled it up, I noticed that my message from the night before had been read four hours prior but no reply.

Fucking Kamal.

……

“Tobi, where are you?”

I heard him chuckle over the phone and he replied

“Chill, I’m coming”

I growled and snapped back

“Tobi, you said you have been coming since morning. If you couldn’t come, you should have just told me and I would have found a way to come and get it.
Where are you now, so I can come and get it?”

I could tell my anger took him by surprise as he said

“I’m already on my way to you. I’m bringing it”

I replied

“How long?!”

“15minutes”

He snarled back.

Click. The call was over.

The next roughly 15minutes were sooo annoying!
One thing I hate more than anything else is being made to wait.
I needed that bag and what is more annoying is that I gladly would have gone to get it myself.
But here I was waiting on someone who didn’t see the urgency in what I needed.

When he pulled up, I opened the door and let him in.
His first words didn’t help because I was doing everything within my power to not snatch my purse from him.
He smiled and said

“Why are you so angry?”

I took a deep breath and said

“Tobi, give me my purse”

He started trying to play hookie with me by running around the coffee table in the center of my living room.
I was so angry and I charged at him.
He ducked and turned around the couch, he was now standing between the couch and my dining table.
I stopped to catch my breath and I said

“Tobi, please give me my purse. I am tired abeg”

He smiled and started walking towards me with his hands behind his back, both on my purse.
I walked towards him and we were soon standing within inches of each other.
He leaned in and tried to kiss me.
I weaved and moved my head as I said

“Tobi stop. Just please give me my purse. I’m really tired”

He smirked and said

“Not giving it to you until you give me a kiss”

I turned around to walk away. I was boiling inside.
He tried to grab my forearm as I turned away. In one swoop, I swung around and smacked his hand.
There was a look of pure shock on his face, he clearly didn’t think I was going to hit him that hard.
He pulled his hand out and stretched my purse towards me.

I collected it and sluggishly walked into the room.
I opened the bag and began shuffling in the purse for what I was looking for.
I couldn’t find it.
I couldn’t fucking find it!
My eyes were getting cloudy and my heart was racing. I turned the contents of the purse on to the bed.
A parking ticket I had been putting off was amongst the contents. I hissed as I rummaged through the bag still looking for the item.
No luck.

I could feel my breath leaving me.
I got up and went towards my bedside desk. Opening the drawer, I started looking for it there.
Nothing.
I walked back to the bed and sat down.
At this point, the tears were coming down my face.
I was afraid.
My mind went blank. The last time I saw it, I was putting it into my purse.
So where could it have gone?
I stood up to head into the living room. As I stood up, I felt my legs give way and I slumped with the back of my head catching the corner of my bed.
The last thing I heard was Tobi bursting into my room.
I saw his legs as he bent next to me and lifted my head into his arms.

He kept calling my name.
I was slowly forgetting mine.
My eyes shut.

…..

“Do you know when the last time she took her medication was?”

Those were the first words I heard as I was getting wheeled into the emergency room. There was no way Tobi could have known.

As they parked the bed, the doctors tried to ask me some questions. I roughly remember what I said.
Soon there was a drip going into my forearm and I felt myself drifting off again. The last thing I remember was motioning weakly to Tobi who was sitting next to me, he rode up and stood over me.
I sheepishly whispered

“Kamal.”

He looked confused. I whispered again

“Call Kamal”

When I woke up about 5hours later, Tobi and Kamal were sitting on opposite sides of the bed, flanking me.
I could feel the tension between them. It was like a cloud over the open bed space.
Tobi must have used my Face ID to get into my phone which was what I expected anyways and Kamal, while worried about me, must have not understood why Tobi was there.

I slowly sat up and said

“Have you two met?”

Tobi shook his head and said

“I just called him like you asked”

My lips were chapped and my throat was dry. I swallowed hard and said

“Thank you”

I looked over at Kamal and smiled before continuing

“I told you to call Kamal because he knew my medication and would have been able to tell the doctors”

Kamal jumped in and said

“Yes, I told them already and they gave you a drip and a refill, you should be good to leave here later tonight or tomorrow if you want”

I slid back into the bed.
I could tell that Tobi was dying inside, I could see it on his face. He didn’t know why I fainted and here I was asking another man to come and meet us at the hospital. But, I was not about to explain at that time. I was too weak.
He tried to hold it together for a bit and then he said

“Hey- So I have to go and take care of some work stuff.
Will you let me know when you get discharged?”

I nodded.
He leaned in gave me a hug and then that “man” nod to Kamal before walking out.

As he walked out, I turned to look at Kamal.
He smiled without saying anything. I asked

“What?”

He smiled and said

“Nothing o. You just know how to pick them”

Slightly embarrassed, I replied

“I didn’t even do anything”

He smiled even more and said

“Yeah right, you never do”

He continued and said

“How are you feeling? I was worried when I got the call”

I looked down on the bed and said

“I’m fine to be honest, I just didn’t take my meds because I couldn’t find them.
But I’m good honestly”

He said

“Are you sure?”

I nodded and said

“You know me, I’m good”

He said okay and then he asked

“Are we still on for this weekend, now that you have decided to put me in a death scare”

I replied

“Ori e” – translates to “Your head” before continuing to say

“Honestly, I should be good with a day of rest and icing my head. I think I hit it on the bed when I fell.
Hurts like a MF”

He replied and said

“Lmaooooo its because your head is so big”

If I could have punched him, I totally would have.

…..

As we pulled up to the venue, I noticed that he still had his drink in the door of the car.

“You’re supposed to have finished drinking that already?”

I whined.
He smiled, picked up the bottle and downed what was left of it. I knew it was going to be a good night.
We walked to the venue and I suggested that we grab drinks before the show started.
We snuck into the connected bar and sat by the bar.

His eyes kept wandering as he was amazed by the setup. There were video games everywhere.
We ordered our drinks and I saw him googling “Mario Kart games on PlayStation 4”. Such a big kid.
I asked the bartender to surprise me with my drink and I think he ordered a Red Bull.
We took our drinks and headed into the venue, the show was about to start.
As we approached the door, we got stopped and were told to get our tickets at the box office. So we walked all the way back to the front, got the tickets and then headed in.

I could tell how handsome he looked by the stank eyes most of the ladies flashed at me. He kept beaming that smile behind me and I was all here for it.
We sat right next to each other but he turned my seat, so my back was to him and we faced the stage.
The entire show, bar when he was on his phone, his hands were on my bum.
I couldn’t wait for us to get out of there.

The show was fun. Lots of laugh, improv nights are always my favorite.
We walked out talking about threesomes – we had seen a lady with a beautiful butt. So beautiful.
I can’t remember who suggested it but we ended up at a club, a few drinks and fist pumping, I was ready to go. I had wanted to jump his bones since I picked him up at the airport.
As we walked out, I noticed this white girl who had come up to me in the club.

She was sitting down on the floor with a cup of ice.
I asked

“What happened? You left me in there”

She was so drunk and even attempting to respond to me, she knocked over her cup of ice and she looked so distraught. I felt bad but I rushed out of there so quick!
We made it to the car and I couldn’t wait to get us home. He was playing music and we were having a great time in the car and then he asked

“How far away from the house are we?”

I nonchalantly replied

“About 5 minutes”

He smiled and once we hit a red light, he leaned over and kissed me.
Then he slid his left hand up my skirt. I couldn’t concentrate.
My legs started shaking and my breathing short. He slid my panties to the side and began rubbing my clit.
I was squirming while trying to keep the car steady.
What the fuck?
I could feel the chills rising up my back. I wanted to close my eyes and let go but we were almost home.
I remember veering out of my lane and my car beeping to alert me.
I was alert alright, my pussy was ready for a beating.
To cap it off, he removed his hand, looked at me and licked my juices off his fingers.

As we pulled in the parking lot, I quickly parked.
I could hear Lil Wayne’s verse on The Motto playing in the background as he reclined my seat.
He leaned in as if he was about to kiss me. I was wrong.
He reached up my skirt and pulled my panties down.
Kissed me on the forehead and hopped out of the car.
I was soooooooo angry!
Like wtf?!

I gathered myself, pulled my skirt down and hopped out of the car.
There he was standing in the middle of the parking lot, all 6’3 260lbs of him. His left hand was to his face.
As I got closer, I realized he was holding my panties to his nose.
We entered my apartment and he sat down on the couch, I made him a drink and pulled down his pants.
I was ready to go.

His moans were my favorite part. His hands running through my hair as he cursed and told me

“This is the best head ever”

My inner thot smiled.
I stroked and slurped down his shaft, soaking his balls and drinking on to my leather couch.
I wanted all of him deep in my throat and in my guts.
He tried to fight it but wasn’t very successful.
He went silent as I stroked his dick with my left hand and juggled his balls with my right hand.
He pushed me off and walked me back to the room.

He climbed on the bed and laid on his back.
I climbed on the bed and planted my pussy on his face before leaning forward and taking in his dick – 69.
It was wet on both ends of the coast as we feasted on each other.
He pushed me off as I came and was about to lean into me, there is a full length mirror at the foot of my bed, I caught a glimpse of myself.
As I laid down, I spread my legs wide. He lowered his member into me and started slow.
Cupping my head in his hand and protecting it from the head board, he thrust in and out.
The pace picked up and my profanity did as well.
He was hitting it right.
His grip on my thighs was as hot as the depths his dick was exploring.
I could see the hunger in his eyes.
He pounded me like candied yams. I was loving it.

When he flipped me over, I was ready.
I arched my back and tooted my ass towards him. He smiled and slide into me.
I could still feel how wet his balls were as they slammed into my clit.
He grabbed the shit out of my waist and he went to work. It was as if we hadn’t seen each other in 3 months.
He kept at it and so did I, throwing it back like a third draft of a senior thesis.

I could feel welling up and getting ready with his canon.
So I wrapped my legs around his butt.
He was leaning all the way into me, I was almost falling off the bed as he pounded my pleading pussy.
I wanted it. More of it.
All of it.
He didn’t stop.
I wouldn’t let him stop.
Just as he was about to let go, I looked back, damn near from the floor and yelled

“Fill me up”

Boom.
He grunted.
Moaned and pumped me full of his warm seed.
I lay there for a few minutes as he curled up next to me panting for air.
I turned over and said

“Where are my panties?”

He smiled and said

“You’re never getting them back”

It was going to be a long weekend and I was going to enjoy every minute of it.
I rolled over in the bed as he got up and headed to the bathroom.

The lights went on and then he said

“The condom broke”

 

Welcome to my first series of 2019! Expect a lot more this year. That’s all I’m saying.
Oh also, please leave me a comment and share your thoughts. Thanks!

 

PLEASE COMMENT. 

~Part 2 drops next Saturday! Do not miss it~

Follow @adewus4real

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

#SanmiSaturdays

© 2019 #WhatTheHeckMan

#WhatTheHeckMan · #WordsofWednesday · Poetry

28.

It’s 2019, well March, so I guess should finally post.
Here is to 28.

  • I hate mint gum. It tastes like trash tbh and anything mint related is TRASH. Sorry Ninz.
  • I always wear socks
  • I have road rage. My friends always talk crap about it but truth is, we all have it biko. Me I just don’t hide my own.
  • I have 3 siblings that I absolutely adore.
  • I always, ALWAYS, fall asleep in the movie theater.
  • My life goal is to be impactful – in art, music, philanthropy, faith, food, family and everything. Literally in everything I do.
  • My longest relationship lasted 4years and 11months. She is happily married. Free it.
  • My go to fast food order is at Chic Fil A. Even though I don’t go there often but I get a large strawberry milkshake, large fries, a spicy chicken deluxe, chicken tenders and chicken nuggets with tons of chic-fil-a sauce and Polynesian sauce.
  • I was born in 1991. Duh! Isn’t that why I am writing 28 of these?
  • I am 6’1+ but no one really cares about the extra, so we don’t talk about.
  • My idea of a dream date is something chill tbh. Some take out, green, drinks, physical activity, and a view.
  • I hate theme parks – rides make me sick and want to throw up. Don’t judge!
  • My celebrity crushes include Stefflon Don, Seyi Shay and someone I cannot mention.
  • My pet peeves include people constantly trying to act like victims. We all suck. Get over it.
  • In my free time, I love to play FIFA, write and be left the hell alone.
  • I love watching Nature documentaries
  • My artistic role model is David Attenborough
  • I am happiest with my family in my life.
  • My favorite color is maroon but favorite color to wear is black. I look really good in black.
  • My favorite value in friendship is understanding.
  • I use a MacBook and I need a new one. So if you want to bless me with one, do the needful.
  • I was born in Sacramento, California.
  • Right now, I feel relieved that I am finally writing and posting this almost two months after it was initially supposed to go up.
  • My favorite moment from y childhood was spending Christmas at my grandparents with my cousins from all over. RIP Grandparents.
  • I will describe myself as a complex person that is simple to understand.
  • I want to visit Asia this year.
  • I work for a tech startup.

2018 was a lot of things and I think it knocked my confidence a bit. I was searching for it in certain spaces, searching for validation and encouragement but failing to remind myself that I am freaking awesome and I deserve the best.

For the better part of the last few years, I have settled for less because I didn’t always believe my slay and I walked in the world like my previous mistakes didn’t qualify me for happiness.

Enough of that nonsense. 2019 has to be better. I deserve multiple upgrades, open doors, and orgasms. Yeah, I said it.

Finances: We have started the year well. God blessed me with a sweet promotion to start out the year and I have been walking in that spirit so far. Saving has always been a struggle for me but so far, I am able to put somethings aside and feel empowered to save. So that feels really good.
Goal is to clear all of my active debt by September. That includes credit cards that are not bringing any value and the likes.
One after the other, they must go.

Expected Score – A+

Relationships: I have not really enjoyed a relationship like my longest one and the start of my last one. Some days, I worry that I don’t even know how to do relationships and romantic love anymore. Like it legit scares me.
Part of really loving someone is being very humble and learning the person to the core. Also forming a strong relationship that most times translates to a deep bond. Loving shouldn’t be performative or hinged on reciprocity. No part of it should be vindictive or holding on to wrongdoing.
I got so used to the type where you would fight or argue and not talk for two weeks or whatever. Like it became normal after loving people that I couldn’t go 24hrs without talking to.

I used to think I was great for anyone but my focus has now been praying for my own person. IF God has already put that person in my life, then helping us connect on that and if they coming, then God keep me patient for them and vigilant. I don’t want to end the year single, again.

Expected Score – C+

Faith: I thank God for never giving up on me. I am working on being much closer and aligned with him. Just letting him have his way with me and my life.

Expected Score – B-

Fitness: I think owning my diet is the biggest hurdle to jump here and I am actively working on it. Reminding myself that I am on a journey and just putting one foot before the other.

Expected Score – B

Creativity: I am inspired again. Once I stopped searching for perfection or comparing myself to others. Look out, I will be pushing my boundaries this year.

Expected Score – A

Thanks for reading as always!

Thank you for commenting. Here is to a fun 2019!
You are highly appreciated. 

#WordsOfWednesday
© 2019 #WhatTheHeckMan

#WordsofWednesday · Fiction · Poetry

We Rise by Lifting Others

#WordsOfWednesday

Life Support

For weeks now, I have been trying to stop and write about this.
It’s been eating me for a while and over the course of this post, I will drop some familiar quotes that you may have heard.

As we get older, many of us are finding purpose in life, monetizing talents and honestly just trying to make our hustles come good for us.
As you become an “owner”, you start to find that support is weird. It’s something you know you’re not entitled to but you crave and demand in certain spaces.

“Not everyone is like you”

The aforementioned quote is important and I’ll speak to it shortly.
But, about not being entitled to support and still demanding it.
We all know that in life, nothing is promised.
Nothing is given and almost everything is earned.
By virtue of that quote, you cannot be entitled to someone’s support.
And let’s be clear, when I speak about support, I don’t mean support in being an abusive partner, I mean tangible support to greatness.

To me it should be simple, if I know you personally and I respect you, you almost automatically have my support.
That means if you are my friend and you start a business or start to chase your dreams, I will be with you.
Monetarily if I can and sometimes by just being another voice spreading the word about whatever you are doing.
Secondly, if you are someone I know in passing (Twitter, IG or in social space) and you have a sound product, I will support you as well.

I feel challenged to do good everyday, so in spaces that I find myself, I offer support.
That means buying from my friends and not expecting things for free. Or retweeting every damn thing they post and shouting them out when I can.
Look, it is not easy and honestly, I don’t think people that fail to support are evil people.
I just think as we get older, means of showing love and support should become more tangible.
It’s not enough to say you care about me but you haven’t listened to a single episode of my show all year or say you support your friend but you patronize big brands instead of their handmade or original stuff.

If you are a lazy friend, more than likely, you come off as an unsupportive friend.
It’s hard enough in a saturated social media space to carve a niche but you expect to rely on those you love to at least help you get off your feet.
Look, in the first few months of my show

“Subscribe here to my weekly radio show/podcast on iTunes. Rate us and leave us a comment if you will please”

I used to ping my friends before we went live.
Like hey,
“are you listening? We are live”
But as we go live this week, I don’t “need” my friends to have an impactful show.
But I also know how I got here, some of my friends listened every week, told others about what I do, shared my art and helped me grow.
And I owe that to everyone I care about and respect.

What sucks is when you have people who won’t actively support you.
I have a friend who is very popular in her field. Doesn’t actively support me, but supports similar brands. Now it could be because my shit sucks, which I doubt or she doesn’t care.
But recently she got nominated for an award and wanted to win badly.
Suddenly, it was “guys please log in here and vote for me”.
And I’m like sis what????
We all didn’t start at the same time but if you have been blessed with a following or a large platform, use it to be supportive.

“We rise by lifting others”

I love people that live for shouting out their friends.
It’s so beautiful to watch.

“Your support can be your currency”

Look sometimes you can’t actively support your friends.
My friend Eche, CEO of Afropolitan Group based in SF.
Has many events, sometimes weekly and I cannot attend all of them.
But I can retweet when he posts and encourage others to attend.
Or some who have friends that make expensive products that you cannot afford.
Your support can be your currency.
Spread the word and you never know who else will patronize them.

It’s also important to understand that like I said earlier, no one owes you shit.
And it is futile begging for the support of folks who are too lazy to care or don’t see value in your dream.
Keep pushing on and working hard.
One day, you’ll make it big and be bigger than you currently are.
Those same people will be the first to congratulate you and tweet/post that they knew you from earlier days.
Fuck ‘em.

Thank you!

~ The Wordsmith

 

 New Series is coming on Saturday!

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

#WordsOfWednesday
© 2018 #WhatTheHeckMan

 

#WhatTheHeckMan · #WordsofWednesday · African · African Fiction · Art · Bloggers · Drama · Erotica · Fiction · Life · Poetry · Sex · Stories · TheRants · TheRantsShow

Lipstick Stain 3


Lipstick Stain – Part 1

Lipstick Stain – Part 2


Part 3

Picking up myself from the hospital floor was so hard. I was in so much pain that I didn’t even go back into the room to check on her before I left.
My heart was hurting and my mind was racing.
How could she do this to me?
Why didn’t she tell me?
I could not fathom how she could be carrying our joy and not tell me.
How could other people have known about it without me knowing?

There was so much running through my mind. Everything I thought about her, I would feel a pain in my heart.
I never got to meet the little one. Always dreamt of having my own son.
Being Arsenal fanatics. Teaching him perseverance by supporting one of the most disappointing teams in sports history or just watching him become his own man.
I also dreamt of having a daughter, helping her find her voice in this misogynistic world, owning her black girl magic and me trying to style her hair because I got the juice like that.
But I was never going to know what that felt like. At least, I felt like I missed out.
Almost like you waited in your home all day for a delivery only to come out and see a missed delivery notice.
It sucks.

I cried the whole way home. I didn’t even let “D” come with me.
I felt truly alone and I just wanted to be alone.
As I pulled into the estate, I didn’t even greet the guards at the main gate. I tried to avoid eye contact.
A part of me was very annoyed with them as well.
How did someone bypass them, shoot my wife and none of them knew?
Idiots.

As I parked the car, I felt like something was off.
How much of it was paranoia of the last few days? I couldn’t tell.
But as I approached the main door, it appeared to have been tampered with.
There were scratches around the keyhole and it appeared someone may have tried to kick the door.
My rage boiled over, I hopped into the car and drove straight to the main gate.
As I pulled up I parked to the right side of the gate, the one not used on a daily basis and I stormed out.
The first words that left my mouth were

“Sunday, where your oga day?”

He looked taken aback.
It could have been the tone in my voice or how I was marching towards him.

“Oga wetin happen?”

Was his nervous reply.
I looked him in the face and said in an irate manner

“Person come my house, shoot my wife. Una idiots no hear anything.
Now person come try break into my house again and no security. Wetin be una job again?
Why we dey pay you?
I swear to God wey create all of us. If anything like this happen again, na me go wound una.
Walahi!”

I didn’t even give them a chance to respond as I stormed back to my car.
I got in and drove out of the estate.
My heart was racing and it felt like misplaced anger but it also felt extremely necessary.
Like damn it! Why was everything in my life so misplaced?

I couldn’t think and I just kept driving.
I did not realize how far I had gone until I pulled into the coffee shop – Cafe Neo.
Before I could tell, I was waiting in line to order.
I took a seat while they made my drink. I wanted to cry some more but a part of me just wanted to be held.
The last few days had felt like a bad dream and I wanted someone to hold me by my shoulders, shake me and tell me that I’ve been dreaming all along.
But it didn’t seem likely at all.

I got my drink and I walked out of the coffee shop.
As I was stepping out, my phone buzzed.
Reaching for it, I moved my cup into my left hand and picked up my phone.
As I answered, the person on the phone said

“Akin, long time. How’s that coffee?
Before you start trying to figure out who I am, I just want you to know something.
Do as I say and everything will be fine…”

I was frozen but my eyes were scanning the parking lot and the side of the road. I was sure the person was looking at me but I couldn’t tell where.
I turned around to look and the voice on the phone continued

“5 million in cash or the next time, your wife won’t survive”

I asked in fear

“Who are you?”

The person chuckled and said

“I know you and right now, that is all that matters…”

……

I hadn’t driven that fast in a long time and trust Lekki traffic, I was stuck.
I immediately called the doctor and said

“Doctor, please make sure someone is there to look after my wife”

Startled he replied

“Akin, I just checked on her less than an hour ago”

I wasn’t having it

“Please put someone with her, I will be there as soon as possible”

Now more concerned he said

“Is everything okay?
I mean her mother is here, I can have her sit with your wife if you like”

I said

“I don’t care, just make sure someone is with her.”

He said okay and I continued to sit there in traffic super annoyed.
At one point, I considered abandoning my car and taking an Okada.
So many questions filled my head

“Who could it be?
Were they following me?
How did they know about Lade?”

Those thoughts sailed through my head and I changed my course as soon as I got the chance to.
I couldn’t be sure if the person was following me.
About 30 minutes later, I made it to the hospital.

Rushing into the room, all I wanted to see was if Lade was doing okay.
She seemed to be asleep.
I greeted her mother reluctantly as I was still very angry about the baby.
I turned around and left the room, Lade’s mother followed me closely.

“Akin duro, je kin ba e soro”
(Akin, wait up, let me talk to you)

I turned around as she held my hand and pulled me to the side.
She fixed her glasses and said

“You are my son and a child cannot remain angry with their parent forever.
I know you are upset and to ba je emi ni (if it was me), I would be upset too.
But I want you to know that we did not keep any of this from you as a secret.
By my understanding, your birthday is on Thursday and Lade was planning to surprise you.
She found out two months ago and felt it would be a great birthday surprise gift for you.
Ma binu oko mi (don’t be angry my son)”

I tell you this now, the way she spoke to me was very reminiscent of some deep talks I had with my mother growing up.
Something about it really spoke to me.
It was like she could see that I was trying to hold the anger and she continued

“Ma binu.
Lade needs you more than ever right now. All of this does not make sense but God is in control.
You are the head of this family and God will do another for you two but right now, you need to be a rock”

I nodded as she reached up to hug me.
I wiped off the tears streaming down my face as she rubbed my back.

She said,

“It has been a rough couple of days, you need to eat and go home to get some rest.”

I shook my head and said

“I can’t leave her. I have to be there when she wakes up”

She smiled and said

“Well before you came, the doctor said they will keep her induced for another 2 days to make sure everything is okay.
I am sure you can get some rest.
I will stay and her father will come and join me later tonight. “

Reluctantly, I agreed.
She then said

“I have asked my cook to make you some food.
She will be here any moment, go home and get some rest”

I wanted to tell her about the call I got but I also can confidently tell you that an African mother is the last person you want to tell that a hit has been put out on her daughter.
So I said

“The only way I can leave is if you can guarantee that someone will be with her at all times”

She nodded and said

“I will not leave her side.
The driver and the cook are outside, come let us go and put the food in your car quickly”

We walked out into the lobby and outside to the car.
The driver immediately stepped out and the cook was in the passenger’s seat.
Someone else was in the back but I couldn’t see till I got closer. The back door opened on the owner’s corner and it was Lade’s cousin, Lolade.
She stepped out and walked around the car.
Lade’s mom’s face lit up and she said

“Ah Lola, Iwo ni. (Oh Lola, it is you)
How are you my dear?”

She knelt and greeted her aunty before I gave her a hug.
She said

“Yes ma.
I had stopped by to drop something my mom wanted to give you and I heard about what happened to Lade, so I wanted to come and check on her.
Akin, how are you holding up?

Has she woken up?”

I forced a smile and said

“Trying love. Just staying positive. No, she is still under. ”

She nodded and said

“It is well.”

I told her the room number while I collected the food from the cook.
I walked over to my car parked on the other side of the lot and opened up the trunk with the remote.
As I lowered the cooler into the trunk, I noticed something out the corner of my eye.
Tucked away in the left side of the trunk, it was staring at me.
My gun.

I was shocked.
How did it get there? I thought to myself.
I quickly turned around to make sure that nobody saw it.
I noticed Lade’s mom walking towards me as she gave instructions to the cook.

“Akin, there should be efo, obe ata ati rice.
Ila alasepo naa wa n be”
(There should be spinach stew, pepper stew with rice and okra)

She said as she walked towards me.
I said

“Thank you mummy”

And quickly closed the trunk.
My heart was racing and I was feeling exposed.
Someone was clearly trying to set me up.

….

We walked back into the hospital and Lade’s mom took her seat next to her.
I was going to leave but I wanted to also make sure that Lolade knew the importance of keeping an eye on her.
Lolade and Lade were born in the same month and their mothers are sisters, so they gave them similar names and raised them together.
You couldn’t separate them growing up until they went to college in different countries and even then, they still remained very close.

As we stepped into the hallway I said

“Lolade someone called me today and asked for 5 million or they would try to hurt Lade again
I need you to please keep a close eye on her and anyone that comes into the room.
I am going to try and get the money today”

She replied with shock

“Wait, seriously?
You are going to get the money today? From where?”

I replied

“I don’t know but I have to. Nothing can happen to Lade”

She responded

“Well nothing will happen to her here.
But don’t worry, I will watch her”

I added

“Also, her parents cannot know. Only you know right now”

She nodded.
We walked back into the room and we were met with elation.
Lade’s mom was standing and quietly motioning us forward.
She was waking up!

As we approached, I stood by her side and held her right hand.
There was a huge smile on my face.
As she smacked her lips and blinked her eyes, she looked at me and smiled.
She looked to the side and saw her mom.
There was a quick frown, almost one of confusion. I think it was then she realized she was in a hospital bed.
She opened her eyes and looked at me closely. I was still smiling and I am sure I was almost crying.
She lifted her hand as if she wanted us to remove the air mask.
I lifted it off her mouth and she swallowed hard before asking

“Where am I?”

I replied and said

“Baby don’t worry about that. We are just glad you are okay”

Before I could continue, I noticed Lolade was walking out of the room.
Lade’s mom said

“Lolade, please help us get the doctor”

Those words were like missiles because instantly, I felt Lade squeeze my hand tightly and say

“What is she doing here?”

Not reading anything into it, I rubbed her hand and said

“Babe, that’s your cousin Lolade”

She tilted her head forward and said

“I know. But what is she doing here?”

The mood in the room quickly changed.
Lolade’s mom and I looked at each other, very confused.
We looked over to Lolade and then to Lade, she looked angry.
I said

“Lade, what is going on?
That’s your cousin. Are you okay?”

Her voice was still weak but her angst was strong.
She said

“Why is she here?
She is the reason I am here”

Lade’s mom gasped and I turned my gaze to Lolade standing by the door.
Her look had changed and she had a scowl on her face.
Her next words were

“You better fucking relax Akin.
Out here trying to play Superman for this one. When the baby wasn’t even yours”


Also, please check out my midweek post “Take Me To Church“.
Huge thank you to everyone leaving comments and sharing the series with their friends! I appreciate it all.


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