#WhatTheHeckMan · #WordsofWednesday

Convenient Christian 3

#WordsOfWednesday

Convenient Christian – 2014
https://wp.me/p3GjtC-l5

Convenient Christian 2 – 2015
https://wp.me/p3GjtC-nE

Convenient Christian 3

I know your word
I remember the stories
The ones I was taught as a toddler
I google verses before I tweet
My love for you is weak
Even though you love me with all my sin
I know your names
Many as they are
But sometimes I am not sure you remember who I am
It’s in the beauty of the love
That you love me regardless of what I have to give
You give me everything and I am nothing without you
So why do I treat you like an option
When you treat me like a priority

I nibble at your love
Like a child picking through their dinner plate
The vegetables are like the meat of your truth
I seem to ignore the commandments that make me feel uncomfortable
The ones that challenge me
But righteous I am on the Twitter pages
Yet finding the book is harder than finding the book of Ruth
Tithing is a pain
Vacationing is a must have
Sex is conditional
My member will rise
But my face will frown at the next church-wide fast
I know how to call on you when I truly need you
Right before that job interview
Or big board meeting

I love to love you in my bio
I display captions as testimonies of your blessings
But do I really worship you for what you give
That which doesn’t seem IG worthy
I’ll make it to the club before 11pm because it’s free
But late into your house because no one can talk to me
The things of the world that don’t love me
Get more love from me
Happiness is fleeting
Because it is not rooted in you
So I show the highlights to the world
But I crave your filling in private
I had your number
Even the password
But I tried to get in half-heartedly so many times
I’ve locked myself out
Open up, please
I may never admit it to the world
But I am in need
Of you

It is not all doom and gloom
Because believe it
Your blessings that I never truly deserve
Still make me a testimony
And that’s why I love you so much
Because you love me
Even when I am faithless and unfaithful
You stand for me
Protect me
You fight for me
Like I am your last asset
You found me
I’m so glad that you found me
Please pull me in closer
Help me focus truly on you
Fill me up
Because no matter how I try to pretend
Bo noo ni.

2016 and 2017, I did not write an edition of Convenient Christian. I started writing it as a reflection on my life, my walk and my journey.
A reminder that my flaws were glaring and my shortcomings were high.
I needed to plainly show how much I was cutting corners.

You probably read it and found yourself in there too.
Some of it stuck, some obviously not but you were in there with me. A convenient Christian.
Paul said “…that which I should do, are the hardest for me to do”
I yearn to be much better than I currently am and I find myself slipping, falling and sometimes just being too damn, yeah you guessed right – convenient.

Over the last few weeks, I have felt a heaviness in my soul.
Not just in my heart, my soul. It was so bad that it crippled my body. I would wake up heavy but empty.
Alive but feeling dead.
Broken and bleeding.

I tried everything. Writing, going out, drinking and other things that typically brought temporary happiness.
Nothing worked.
Until I turned to the surest location.
God.

I cried and felt the weight lifted.
I realized that for a few years, I had been searching for happiness in the wrong things.
My blog, my show, my friendships, follower counts, how many people like me, how much money I was making, how impactful I became.
You see, all of was fleeting. Don’t get me wrong, I would still love to prosper in all those things but after a while, they just never filled me up.

I was going into relationships/friendships/dating with the intention of becoming whole.
Trying to see what they would pour into me, but two people with half-full cups cannot conduct holy communion.
It was never going to work.
It then became a chess match, who was willing to give up their position.
Instead of tapping into an endless well of love and fulfillment.

It was weird yo.
Like I would be so high off something and then this dark cloud would set over me.
Wiping out everything. I have seen depression. We know each other but then I started to think about the last time I was actually truly happy.
Like really really happy. And that made me sad.

Because we don’t see God, it is easy to not take him as serious. Or chop and change what parts of his presence, we want to take seriously.
It is a mistake.
It is insanely important to devote all to him. ALL.
We cut corners, ignore certain parts of the bible or the truth. We fight his word because we know it robs us of the convenience that comes with being average in our walks.
Excuses for everything, I even blamed my church as annoying as they are, as the reason I want going to serve.
Pathetic.

As I write this, this year, it is a damning call to action for me.
I have fucked up.
This year was meant to be my “take back my happiness year”. It has been positive in many notes but flat on others.
This year, this piece is a call to action.
To stand up for what is right. To give up my seat and tough it out.
To be counted.
To step out of the shadows.
To stop being a fucking convenient Christian – sorry Jesus, I’m working on it. I promise.

Will you be stepping out of your convenient position? Any actionable first steps.
Share in the comment section below.

 

I’ll also leave you with this song that has been jolting my heart for a few weeks. The words are everything I love about God.
No one else but…


Bo Noo Ni (feat. Luigi Maclean) by Joe Mettle

Love always,

The Wordsmith.

Thanks for reading as always!

New series out on Saturday!
Please watch this space!

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

#WordsOfWednesday
© 2018 #WhatTheHeckMan

#WhatTheHeckMan · #WordsofWednesday

Guilty as Charged

#WordsOfWednesday

Guilty as Charged

Introspection, self reflection, growth – those are some of the popular buzz words that we have come to know.
It’s amazing how much interacting with people at varying levels of self work, can aid ones journey.

Most of those words and the actual processes that come with them, are typically explored by people during a few life altering events.
A change in the life trajectory
A “Na me fuck up” moment

None of us are perfect and you should only be down on yourself if you notice that you are not growing or better yet, evolving.

Growing up, I always watched how my parents handled their growth.
They would always spend time looking back at themselves.
I know mine was initially connected to my sense of self worth. I always wanted to make sure I was being a person that I would be proud of but as I continue to advance in life, I know sometimes you will lapse.

Today, we live in a world where we a lot of our lives are lived in the public eye of social spaces.
Things like dismantling patriarchy, feminism, and the #MeToo movement have challenged men and women to reflect on who they really are. And even more so, to be better.

So it is not alien to see the buzz words I led with. People are daily exploring their truth.
One of the things that I love about myself is that I don’t like to lie to myself but one thing I love more than that?
I come to terms with my realities quickly.
I make peace with my decisions and in places where there is room for retribution or amendments, I take them.

I find that people typically don’t want to be honest with themselves and worse, they continue to live in the wrongs they have done.
Maybe my view is somehow connected to faith as I grew up in the church but I forgive myself, seek forgiveness for my behavior and move on.

Some people want you to wallow in your wrongs until they are ready to forgive or forget those wrongs. No.
As long as you are able to hold yourself accountable (I just had to throw it in there 😂)
you do not have to dwell in the valleys of your past.

Then you have the people that have done wrong but will not forgive themselves and continue to parade their sins.
The thing about processes like growth, introspection, reflection and others is that they are solemn and lonely journeys. Their manifestation comes from improved behavior.
Some people admit their fuckups but want to use it as a reference point for the rest of their lives.
Not repeatedly tweeting “I used to be like this…”
Be new and let your behaviors be the announcement of your newness.

I know there is guilt carried for past behaviors and people you may have hurt. I also know that you cannot demand that people forgive or forget your wrongs based on your own timetable.
One thing I believe though is that you should forgive yourself before anyone does.
Forgive yourself and don’t confine yourself to a guilty verdict for life.

 

Thanks for reading as always!

New series out on Saturday!
Please watch this space!

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

#WordsOfWednesday
© 2018 #WhatTheHeckMan

 

#WordsofWednesday

Fear.

#WordsOfWednesday

Fear.

I was circling the area and trying to find a parking spot. I noticed one down the way and drove up to it.
From the driver’s side of my car, I tried to gauge if my car would fit into the spot.
I decided against parking there and drove further down the street. I was so sure there was another spot open.
There wasn’t.
By the time, I came back, yup! You guessed it right?
The spot was gone.
Another car, that looked similar to mine, took the gamble and parallel parked into the spot.
There I was, with nothing.

Fear is not an alien concept to many of us.
It comes from learned behaviors. You touch fire it burns, so you learn to not touch a name flame again.
You fall for a Yoruba man, well I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Fear hinders but it also protects.
People often fail to recognize how much it allows us to safeguard ourselves from hurt.
But is it possible that you can be too guarded that you hurt yourself even more?

I have loved before and been hurt.
More than I would like to admit and more than anyone is willing to understand.
Those heartbreaks sent me into a spiral and it doesn’t help that people never want to travel down your hurt with you. They just want to know why you ungratefully never appreciate the love they have to give you.
I admire people that love freely.
Though they are gamblers. They gamble on their hearts and hope their checks balance.
Some of us, intentionally or otherwise, hold fear. That fear prevents us from gambling recklessly.
People try to act as if love is a sweet easy move.
It’s a choice. A deliberate choice.
But it is also a gamble.
A gamble that it will go right, more than it is likely to go wrong.

Fear drove me to God.
I saw the mistakes my father made and my uncles. All but one of them.
So I pray hard and I try to be careful but that fear has crippled me.
Almost like someone who is a lifeguard, now afraid to even enter the pool.
I think of every step, every angle, every possibility.
Because I am afraid.
Afraid of what love brings and what it doesn’t bring.

I recently called out some folks at a church event for singles and young adults where I said that they romanticize marriage too much.
Everyone has a “happy marriage”!
But we see them, plus the ones whose husband is trying to get in your pants or the aunty that would kill her man, if not that hell was real.
I am afraid of getting it wrong.
I am afraid of not fulfilling my potential or changing the world.
I am afraid of never jumping.
I am afraid that I will never stop being afraid.

What are you afraid of? Comment below, let’s talk.

Thanks for reading as always!

New series out on Saturday!
Please watch this space!

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

#WordsOfWednesday
© 2018 #WhatTheHeckMan

#WordsofWednesday · Poetry · TheRantsShow

Past Present Woes

#WordsOfWednesday
Past Present Woes

What gets people so intrigued about the past?
I find that people as a whole obsess about what was and not what can be.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think history should be discredited in totality.
I respect that it informs patterns, gives insight into future predictions and most importantly, it can be a cautionary tale for things to come.


But I never get the fascination and obsession with it. Let’s use me as an example, I don’t like regrets. Because of that, I sometimes live my life with the handbrake on and other times, I can seem reckless with no bounds.
Either way, I try not to look backwards too often.
Read about my logic in The One that Got Away

I come to terms with my realities faster that most. “Oh I lost that opportunity because I didn’t work hard enough?”
Or I didn’t get that girls number because I delayed too long?”
Or “That friend hurt me or I hurt them?”

I make peace with it early on and move on.
More importantly, the things that are reminders of regrets are precisely the things I want to not have to think about.
Most times, people come into your life and they want a walk down your memory lane to inform how they want to live or love with you.
But have you ever thought that it is retraumatizing for the person to relive that experience?
Imagine a woman who was with an abusive man, you now come into her life and you want to talk about it and him.
But when she is not forthcoming, you think she doesn’t want to open up. No!
Sometimes opening up is letting you see into them but it means they have to reopen to the wounds.
Flies live around open wounds and more importantly, they bleed.


Another reason people don’t like talking about their pasts is that it can be extremely embarrassing.
Maybe you dated a proper asshole or you were one. Or maybe you haven’t even healed from your stupidity.
It happens.
So sometimes, people want to leave things the way they are – in the past.

If you have a good person, someone that you love and loves you, focus on the future.
What kind of friendship or relationship can we have?
As opposed to worrying about the kind they had with people they may not even be talking to anymore.
The past got them to you, whole or damaged. However you dice going back, you are losing some value in the now.

One thing people also don’t realize is that if you hang around long enough, sometimes you get a pure and honest peek into the past.
The past is what made us, but we are only as good as what we do next.
It’s like people that love to tell you their past relationships were this and that.
Brother and sister, in your past relationships you may have won gold but it counts for nothing if your current situation fails and in some cases, you are single. So who past relationship epp?

No one.
I like the past, with two rules.
1. I’ll take you into it as I please at my pace and time.
2. It should only be a marker for improvement and that itself can and should be very personal.

No one wants to be only defined by their past, so why do you obsess over that of others?

Thanks for reading as always!

New series out on Saturday!
Please watch this space!

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

#WordsOfWednesday
© 2018 #WhatTheHeckMan

#WhatTheHeckMan · #WordsofWednesday · Poetry

Fuck The High Road

#WordsOfWednesday

Fuck The High Road

It’s cold, lonely and seldom traveled.
Not because people don’t know the way but many choose to not use it at all. Ignoring class, self respect and peace, some would rather muddy themselves in the lowliness of pettiness.
But it is cold, high and out of grasp – but for a select few, it is the high road.

For the longest time, I spent time living by a concept my mentor once shared with me.
“If you and a friend had a falling out and they publicly embarrassed you, you have lost twice.
Once because you have lost a friend and secondly because you had initially made a poor choice in a friend”
I always used the “na me fuck up” mentality. If someone wronged me, I’d go silent and just let it be.
I rarely speak on what people did or didn’t do to me.

One of my best friends told me that one of my biggest mistakes was considering most people as friends anyways.
It used to sting because I would make so many excuses for people.
“She is young
He is going through a lot
Maybe I caused her to be like that
They are really a good person, you just don’t understand them”
Eventually you learn, that not everyone is your friend and all.

I am also incredibly private about my life, choices and intentions. I picked that up from my mom who was an expert at protecting us from unnecessary eyes and distractions.
But here is to growth (I laughed out loud using this watered down word). My blog has seen my evolution but more importantly it has become a haven for folks to learn from me and apply things to their lives.
Let my experiences, however few or otherwise, be a guide for you and yours.

After my relationship ended in late 2014, I was so broken and hurt.
I swore that through 2015, I wouldn’t be in another relationship. I was going to be single, date and travel.
Two of those things were perfectly fine.
One of my biggest mistakes was dating while healing (DON’T DO IT PEOPLE)
I was so broken and to an extent, I was searching for peace in the women I met.
And don’t forget dating multiple women at once. Smh Sanmi. (I Lied and Cheated)
So yes, I ultimately scarred some of the people I interacted with.
I was still angry, at my ex and myself.
It was like all the accommodations I gave for her, I wasn’t willing to give anyone else.
My temper was short, I was dismissive, reductive and just sometimes a flat out dick.
Yes, that was all me.

In 2015, I met someone that made me laugh like I hadn’t in a while.
Quickly, she filled a void that I had been hiding for a while. It was her smile and just her crazy fun energy.
Yup, soon we were fucking and trying to navigate everything else, and then life hit.
To be honest, I wanted to run at that time. I felt like it was such a big responsibility and place to walk through with her.
She even asked me to leave and tried to push me away but I ain’t no punk and I really cared about her, so I decided to stay.
My first mistake was not restructuring our situation to a pure friendship.
Feelings were still there and having sex didn’t help either.
But as life settled, it was clear to me that we weren’t compatible long term.
We were in different spaces chasing different things.

I would come home from a long day of work and school and have to fight about why I tweeted first before calling her.
Or that I did this or the next thing.
Mistake number 2!
I should have been firm and walked.
But if you are dealing with someone and you have a huge fall out, you should probably completely leave them out and not respond to nudes when they send them to you.
Or a two page letter documenting how flawed they were as well and how much they contributed to the failures of your interactions.

This is by no means a tell-all but a reflective walk back down the high road.
Look people, Sanmi ain’t no saint. Far from it.
I’ve said things my Pastor would not be proud of, berated people and even just didn’t give a fuck sometimes but two things are true of me.
I apologize when needed and I never set out to hurt intentionally.
Have I hurt people? Yes.
Apologized and made amends where possible? Hell yes!
But people take a piss because you don’t speak up.

One phrase always touted is “Emotional Abuse(r)”
What do you call someone who berates you when they get mad and then apologize later and because of love, you take them back?
Or someone who gets so mad they start to throw your things into the hallway of a hotel room?
Or threaten to scream because you don’t want to have sex with them after they just called you every evil name possible?
What do you call someone who tarnishes your name in public but still claims to love you and reaches out when they need favors?

If you said an abuser, manipulator or just asshole, you would be right.
If you assumed all of the above was done by a guy, you would be very wrong.
But you see, the same person who did those things has the nerve to go on social media and circles to say negative things about me.
Now I am again not saying I am perfect but I believe in being honest with oneself.
I was good to said person and I know deep down they know that. Even with all of my shortcomings, but you would never see me on social media, trying to drag them.

I don’t think there are “good” or “bad” people. I think we all make mistakes and thrive in different ways.
Your knight today might be a villain in someone else’s tale.
That’s life.

But you see the thing with being silent for too long is that you let people walk all over you and your truth.
You start to even believe the lies they spew about you.
Fuck the high road!
Let sleeping dogs lie but if they want to be poked, let them be poked.
Defend your name when you need to.
I did some fucked up shit but I legit went back to read some transcripts I had saved or even the letter she wrote and I was amazed.
You will see how she speaks of me now and you will think I was Tristan Thompson who dipped on her while she was carrying my baby or something.
For the longest time, I thought to myself, I had something to lose and she didn’t.
I have a show I work hard on, this blog, my brand, my job!
Leave it Sanmi, leave it. But enough!

A few things: ladies and gentlemen, the moment you realize you are not going to be with someone long term, cut it off and leave it cut off.
Don’t let people walk over you because you want to be private. They will use that silence as a green light to rubbish your name if they could and since they won’t be honest with themselves about their own flaws and shortcomings.
Forgive yourself for your own mistakes and just make attempts to be better in your new dealings.
I love me so much now.
Quicker to forgive, listening more and just being more aware of my imprint in the lives of those around me.

The high road is great in theory.
But it has bad signal and sometimes sends the wrong message, that because you are not talking, you are guilty as charged.
Fuck them and their stupid road. Stand up for yourself and your name.
And pray you never come in contact with people that make you regret ever meeting them.

 

Thanks for reading as always!

New series out on Saturday!
Please watch this space!

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

#WordsOfWednesday
© 2018 #WhatTheHeckMan

#WhatTheHeckMan · #WordsofWednesday · Poetry

The One That Got Away

#WordsOfWednesday


The One That Got Away

About 5 years ago, I was in a relationship.
By all accounts, it was going well. We were relatively happy, growing and people were calling us “Goals”.
Then one day, I was having a serious conversation with myself and I concluded. I wasn’t going to marry this woman.
I prayed about it for a few weeks and battled within my spirit before I finally put an end to a 4-year relationship.

It hurt.
But nowhere near knowing I couldn’t give her what she wanted – marriage.
She told me that in the first few months, she was broken and she hated me.
We were not talking for the first 6 months after the breakup.
And in that time, I was hurting too.

Here was this woman that I loved so dearly. Started dating at 17.
I became a man within her love. We found each other and even though she was older, I never felt like we were never on the same page.
For a while, I never thought I could love any like her. Well, that was until, you guessed it right, I fell in love again.

The person I was dating for 4 years at the time of the breakup, she felt like the one that was getting away.
Like how do you invest 4 years into someone and then they just walk?
“They will find someone else and be happy and you’ll have lost out”


Funny enough though, I never believed that anyone got away.
It’s important to love like it’s your last chance at love. But I have never felt like one was the one that got away and it was the last chance saloon for me.
You will date and meet great people, some will define a period in your life or even change your trajectory in life but not all are for the forever ride. And that’s okay.

Everything works out for good. That ex-girlfriend is a happily married wife and a mother now.
It’s not enough to say it but you have to believe it. Everything works together for good.
I have never felt sad like I lost out on her since that initial period. You know why?
I  believe God’s will was done and I was part of her story.
But that’s just it – a part.


I don’t believe in soulmates but I believe that God ordains your steps.
And it’s possible that the path takes you in a different route than what you expect.
The picture up there is an interesting one.
That exact stop that white car is parked, is the exact spot I parked when I spilled my heart out to someone I once loved.
I sat there for over an hour telling her all she meant to me – we never amounted to much beyond drama and stories.

I referenced that to say, I saw her this week with another man – one of many she has dated since we had our thing.
I mentioned men, not to shame her but to highlight that we moved on. But to some people, we should be together.
It’s always amusing to hear but when I saw her this week, I laughed at the idea that there was nothing left.
The feelings of old were gone.
And then I thought. Has anyone ever seen me as the one that got away?
That would be interesting to find out.

Seeing her out, she looked happy but more importantly, I was happy too.
And like my ex-girlfriend, I thought to myself, I hope she is happy there.
More than the one that got away, is the feeling that everything works out for good.
I love where my life is. How things have turned out.
Would they be different if I was with someone?
Or one of the ones that “got away”

I don’t keep an eye on what was. My happiness is current and whole. I like that.
Don’t spend time dwelling on who you think got away. Be good enough for the now and for your future self that no one ever wants to run the risk of letting you go.

There is none that got away. They just went – a different way.
But you might very well still be on track.
Stay up!

From the Macbook of The Wordsmith…

Thanks for reading as always!

New series out on Saturday!
Please watch this space!

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

#WordsOfWednesday
© 2018 #WhatTheHeckMan

#WhatTheHeckMan · #WordsofWednesday · Poetry

Be Intentional

 

#WordsOfWednesday

Be Intentional.

The eagle rules the skies
Choosing to roam in the blues
Floating into the realm of those beneath
To feast
Only when it chooses
Therein lies the value
It chooses
Never allowing the winds or the skies to dictate
It chooses
When to soar
And when it’s wings, to rest
It drifts low
And sends shivers further down shaky spines
An eagle makes its intentions known
Wings open or wings closed.

It was Sunday evening and I was leaving Safeway (Yoruba Demons, Weed, and a Safeway). Actually, I was sitting in my car in front of Safeway when a couple parked behind me and exited the car.
Hand in hand, they giggled and laughed into Safeway.
They were an African American couple in their late fifties or early sixties.
I watched them from my rear view mirror as they walked in and basically ignored it.

I thought I would have left the parking lot before they returned but I get lazy in my car sometimes after a workout.
I think I was scrolling through my Twitter timeline when they emerged from Safeway.
I looked up at the dashboard clock and realized that I had been sitting there for more than 20 minutes.
It didn’t matter very much when I looked up again and saw them still laughing and giggling.
They entered their car and I watched from my rearview mirror as they laughed and the man placed his left hand on her cheek, he said something to her and then leaned in to kiss her.
When they broke the kiss, she picked up his left hand and kissed the back of it.
I felt something but I tried to ignore again.

They lingered as he put the car in reverse.
And I felt it again, this time, I didn’t ignore. I stepped out of my car and said

“Excuse me, can I please ask you something?”

Surprised, the man said

“Sure”

I bent forward to get a better view of them inside their Toyota Rav4.
I asked

“How do you stay so happy?”

He smiled and looked over to her and then back to me before replying. He said

“If you know what I know about this woman, it is easy.
She gets me but more than that, she is good people”

I nodded in agreement and then she spoke and said

“We love each other everyday.”

I thanked them for their insight and turned to head back to my car. The man said with a slightly embarrassed look

“You saw all that?”

I nodded and said

“Yup and I’m glad I did. You guys have a good one”

“You too”

They both said and they drove off.
That interaction got me thinking about intentionality. I speak about it a lot.
Particularly with my friends and with my show.
I learned a few years ago about intentionality. You can be good in general but you can be intentional in how you choose to display your goodness or how you decide to be impactful with it.

Are you intentional in love? Forgiveness? Friendship? Trusting? Growing? Evolving?
I know it is easy to coast through life but the thing that separates the regular is intentionality.
Loving takes so much humility but more importantly, intentionality. As we are innately selfish, you have to choose love everyday like the couple I met.
Forgiving takes intention, you have to choose to shelve the hurt and the pain to let go.
Growing and evolving requires you putting active effort into the process.
Success requires intention towards perfection.

I find myself sometimes questioning my ability to be intentional.
Taking steps to live beyond the regular. Do I go the extra step to show my friends and family that I care?
Or do they just get the regular because they know I am a good person?
Think it through.
Think about what is the bare minimum in everything you do and then decide to be intentional about doing more.
It will set you apart.
You will be better for it, the world will be better for it.
And like the couple I met, you will have reasons to laugh into your old.

Thank you for reading and sharing my thoughts.
What are some things you will like to be more intentional about? Time with God? Working out? Trying new things?
Leave me a comment below and let me know.
I have a new challenge on my hands and I intend to dominate. It will take patience and effort but I am determined to be successful. But till then, stay up!

 

From the desk of,

The Wordsmith.

Thanks for reading as always!

New series out on Saturday!
Please watch this space!

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

#WordsOfWednesday
© 2018 #WhatTheHeckMan

#WhatTheHeckMan · African · African Fiction · African Stories · Art · Bloggers · Drama · Fiction · Life · Stories

Black.Gay.Waiting 4- The Finale.

Black, Gay, Waiting 4

I could feel the heat in my ears.
Also in my fingertips. It felt like someone was standing behind me and forcefully pushing down on my shoulders. It just felt like a weight was on my shoulders and I couldn’t breathe.
We were sitting at one of the restaurants in the airport, I can’t remember what it’s called but I wasn’t paying much attention to anything else.
My mind was racing and back to a familiar place. A place I had hoped getting on a plane would keep away from – for good.

“So Dee, I didn’t want us to meet like this but I am glad that I was able to reach you before you got on that plane.
I know you must have a million questions and I promise, I am here to answer them all.
I am tired of having to keep you in the dark”

I just sat there silently.
Sandra pushed the cold bottle of water that she had just bought towards me.
I didn’t even look up. My eyes were fixed on a chip in the tile.
It truly felt like if I opened my mouth, it would be a watershed of tears.

With my left hand, I reached for the bottle and twisted the cap open.
I took two full gulps before I looked up and said

“I don’t even know the questions I should start with…”

He straightened up and then said

“I completely understand… how about this?
I’ll start with the things that I think you need answers to and you can fill in?
How does that sound?”

I nodded without making eye contact.
He started and said

“I have known your mother since we were in university and before she met your father, we were very much in love.
But we had different life goals at the time. I wanted to move to Ethiopia to work for Shell and your mother wanted to teach. Everything happened very fast and before I knew it, she was off to the States with your father.
I never even got the chance to stop her. She was gone.
And I had to settle with that for 6 years, until they moved back to Nigeria with you.
We met up and at first, I was just glad that she was back and I was able to spend time with her.
I very quickly noticed that she was still in love with me and I never stopped loving her anyway.
One thing led to another and we were sleeping together and basically living our lives outside of our marriages… yes I briefly got married but it didn’t last because I was not in love with her.
I loved and I still love your mother very much. “

I looked up with a scowl on my face and said

“So why didn’t both of you just get divorces? And save us all the pain”

He looked down and sighed before saying

“We should have. I totally know we should have.
But there are certain things I am not able to speak about. She has to be the one to tell you much of what happened”

Sandra placed her hand on my lap and said

“Dee, are you okay?”

I couldn’t hold back the tears anymore. I just kept my head down and continued crying.
She moved in and hugged me tightly. It just set me off even more.
Out of the corner of my eyes, I could see people worriedly looking on, trying to decipher what was going on.
This went on for a couple of minutes and then I stopped.
I looked at him and said

“I need to talk to my mom”

……

HONEST MOMENT: For many of you reading this right now, I know the numbers, you won’t leave a comment. I think this blog is one of the purest forms of my expression. I am the most real here in what I write and what I create for you all. 
Your comments and interaction go along way. They encourage me to write more, post more, think outside the box and sometimes they simply make me feel better about life. 
Even as I write my novel, your words go a long way to fighting the imposter syndrome and doubt that sometimes aim to derail me. 

So this is all to say, please leave me a comment when you read something. I am open to criticism as well. It’s the best reward a writer gets. Thank you all. Now back to this captivating story!

…..

After more than an hour in traffic, we pulled into our home.
I think all our workers were surprised to see me coming back so soon.

“Oga wetin happen?”

one asked.
I just ignored and walked into the house. There were people there.
Two of my mom’s childhood friends, and they immediately smiled when they saw me.
One of them, Aunty Dolapo brightly said

“Dee baby! Look at you all grown up.
You’re a big man now. I remember when I used to cradle you to sleep. See you now!”

As she rubbed my back.
I sheepishly smiled as my mom greeted Sandra

“Ehn, bawoni Sandra” (translates to how is it going?)

She knelt in courtesy to my mom and my aunts.
As she rose, the main door quietly closed. Everyone including my mom looked towards the direction of the hallway that connects the main entrance and the sitting room.
My mom curiously asked

“Did you guys close the door when you entered?”

I didn’t answer.
I knew what was about to happen. She wasn’t ready and somehow I was happy about that.

The hallway was dimly lit and connected a few rooms, so the image was going to come as a surprise.
A few moments passed and there he was.
My mother’s lover.
As he emerged, she gasped. They all gasped.
Not because they didn’t know who he was but because they were surprised he was there.
They all knew who he was from their time in college.
And I would later find out that they knew about them sleeping together for more than two decades!

My mom found the words and said

“Lamide, what are you doing here?”

He didn’t respond as he took a few more steps into the room.
A quick glance around the room and you could pick up the jaws of my mother’s friends off the ground.
They couldn’t believe what was happening.

“Olamide!
Ki lo wa se ni bi????”

She screamed at him.
He didn’t flinch and he moved closer. Then he said

“I didn’t think it was right for him to leave like that. You can’t push him away because your world is changing. He deserves all the love he can get.”

She snapped, and you could tell she was trying to hide something.

“Who are you to tell me what I can and cannot do???
Who gave you the right?!”

He took a step back.

“Who gave you the right?!”

She continued.
I stepped in and said

“Here I was thinking I was the fucked up one. I have attempted suicide. Wanting for the whole thing to end. Yet here you were with secrets so big that they have killed people for less.
You are evil.
You tried to ruin my world when you were living a lie! And you go to church and mount the pulpit like some holy person. You are fucking evil!
I wish my father could look into your eyes and see how much you lied to him and cheated on him for years!
Gosh I hate you!”

As I wrapped up. She quietly laughed amidst her tears and said

“He knew”

I didn’t hear her properly so I asked

“Huh?”

She looked up teary eyed and sniffling as she said

“He knew!”

I was shocked but she continued and said

“He always knew.
This was always his idea. Your father was a dog when I met him.
He wanted to be with anything, man, woman or whatever. I had to keep his secret and the whole marriage was a cover!
For many years, I had to pretend to love him and be happy. I couldn’t anymore. So I decided to be with someone who actually makes me happy.
And your father knew about the whole thing… It was all his idea”

I couldn’t believe her so I asked

“So why didn’t you just get a divorce?”

She laughed and said

“Omode lo n se e
(Your naivety is evident)

We didn’t get divorced because your father never wanted a divorce. He wanted to keep his ministry and getting a divorce would break that. And yes, more than accusations of him sleeping with men.
After all, there are men of god who lay with other men or people’s wives”

I was fully enraged at this point.
I started yelling

“So you and your husband had a plan to live your lives but you crucify me for being myself.
For something I am not even able to control?????
You are both devils. OMG!
I can’t even believe this shit…. Arghhhhh I wish I could strangle you!
I pray you rot in hell. You are wicked.”

Olamide stepped in and said

“Dayo, I know you are upset but we don’t need to say all that”

I turned to him and said

“Fuck off!”

He put his hands out and moved them as if to try and calm me.
I continued and said

“Why do you even care?!
She had you in the shadows for 22 years! And you are okay with that?”

He smiled and said

“I had to keep her close. It was the only way I could stay close to my son”

My mom screamed

“Olamide!”

My jaw dropped. Both my aunts sitting gasped and Sandra just stood shocked.
I moved forward and said

“Excuse you?”

He straightened up and said

“You are my son”

I shot a look at my mom and she couldn’t hide her face fast enough. More tears flowed down her cheeks.
I looked at my mother and said

“What is he talking about?”

She dropped her head and said

“Your father couldn’t have children!
It was part of what made him live so recklessly. I wanted children. I thought I loved him and when I found out I was pregnant, I didn’t even try to debate it.
He always knew you might not be his but he was willing to go along with the lie because it protected us”

I couldn’t believe the words coming out of her mouth.
He spoke next

“I knew something was off by how quickly your mother married him and how they ran to Boston.
I think she was pregnant and her family would have killed her. So she married the man that was ready and moved with him.
When I first set my eyes on you, I knew you were mine.
I was just glad God brought you back to me. I have always loved you from afar.”

“Yet you watched me suffer for years in the hands of this woman?
Some father you are”

I snarled back and stormed out.
Sandra followed me and soon we were gone.

…..

It had been three years since that day.
I hadn’t spoken to anyone in that room that day except Sandra.
And I was living in Virginia now.

One evening, I logged into Facebook after a long day of work.
I had so many friend requests, many of which I continue to ignore. As I was scrolling through, I clicked on the messages tab and noticed a few messages.
One of them was from Micah – remember him?
The deacon from way back.
Apparently, he had messaged me a few days before I opened the message.
He had won the visa lottery.
He was coming to America.

I don’t know why, but I smiled at the laptop and a soft voice said

“Babe, what is making us laugh?”

I moved my laptop to the couch with my left hand as she straddled me.
I said

“One of my childhood mentors is coming to America and wants to stay with us”

She smiled and said

“Oh thats dope. How long?
They can stay in the guest bedroom”

I nodded as she kissed me and said

“Look at us making adult decisions.”

I chuckled and she said

“Would this be before or after the wedding?”

while getting up and heading for the kitchen.

“After”

I said.
She stopped, turned and said

“Ooooh, so I’ll already be your wifey. “

I nodded and said

“Yes you will”

She did a shimmy dance with a huge smile on her face as she walked out.
I turned to my right and saw the stack of wedding invitations we were about to mail out and only one thing came to my head.

“WhatTheHeckMan!”

The End.

Please help pick my next series!

Pleaseeeeeeee leave me a comment and let me know how you felt about this part and the entire series. It means a lot!

Thank you for reading the #BGW series with me! I thoroughly enjoyed writing it for you all and I hope you enjoyed the ride with me. If you hate me for how the ending panned out, I AM HERE FOR IT~ 😊

Another series by The Wordsmith is already cooking! @adewus4real

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated.
Thanks for the love and support.

Stay up

#SanmiSaturdays #WTHM #BGW4
© 2018 #WhatTheHeckMan

#WordsofWednesday · Art · Bloggers · Nigerian Writers · Poetry

I Deserve Forgiveness

#WordsOfWednesday

I Deserve “Some” Forgiveness

There are few moments in life where things make you take a beat.
Sometimes after a beating. Other times, after realizing that you need to truly stop and breathe.
For years, the phrase “na me fuck up” was all too familiar.

Stupid decisions, trusting wrongly, not speaking plainly and sometimes falling blindly.
I would sit down and cry while beating up myself.
“Sanmi, you should know better”
“How could you?”

I was mostly burned and forced to write pieces like Fuck Your Friendship.
Burned by “friends” or “love interests”. I was always a feeler – I allowed myself to see the best in people.
I get it from my dad.
There was once someone that dragged my father’s name in public. I knew he was in the right but he kept his cool and kept encouraging us to be calm.
One evening, I came back from school and I noticed a few extra cars outside.
As I made my way in, I heard voices.
The person had come with their family and friends to beg my father – they were on their knees asking for forgiveness.
I wanted him to publicize it but he said no.
The words he left me with have stuck.

“In certain situations, you will learn lessons that you truly wish you could have avoided but they will shape you. Peace within you is a higher grade than public validation”

It never really clicked for me until I became a man.
I would sit down and beat myself for poor decisions. Why didn’t I listen to my friends about this person or why did I stay in that situation?
Why did I let them back in?

All that and more.
But here is the truth, you will make mistakes and with all the lessons I have learned, I still make them.
The best you can do is continue to improve as you go along.
Have a short memory for the fuckups but cherish the growth points and the future you will have with those lessons.

So 2018 has been filled with less “Na me fuck up” moments.
People will always try to drag you back and remind you of your fuckups but stay focused.
Seriously.
It will be hard and you may be down on yourself. But don’t let it linger.

I used to say there was no one I regretted being friends with or dating but there is one person.
While we shared some great times, they make me regret ever knowing them.
And it is easy to wallow.
You want to continue to kick yourself! But to what end?

Oh, he was playing you?
She never really loved you and she used you?
Okay, it has happened and you have learned.
Now stand up and forgive yourself.
Yes, not them. Forgive yourself for the guilt, pain, shame, and rage you feel.
You are amazing and you will continue to live and learn.
You will still make more of those mistakes and you will scale challenges with ease – you are evolving.e
Every single day.

And yes, you deserve some accolades!

What are some things that have had you saying “na me fuck up” lately? Comment below and let’s talk.
Thanks for reading as always!

Black.Gay.Waiting Part 4 out on Saturday!
Please watch this space!

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

#WordsOfWednesday
© 2018 #WhatTheHeckMan

#WhatTheHeckMan · #WordsofWednesday · African · African Fiction · African Stories · Art · Bloggers · Oakland · Poetry · Stories · TheRants · TheRantsShow

Unpacked & Abandoned

I called you, twice
It kept ringing
No answer
The next time we talk
It will be over
The story
The movie
Battery, dead
Love?
Left.


Unpacked & Abandoned.

You ever moved to a new place and as you are planning to leave the current place, you decide that certain things won’t go with you?
The old bed frame, that broken toaster, the deadbeat partner? 👀

Unpacking is a cornerstone of growth and change.
Sometimes we don’t actively recognize that but it is so important.
The mind is like a train, things come in and get off, some come on and never get off. There is so much that will influence you in life but not all of it needs to enter your next phase with you.

Recently, I started thinking about the things that I have experienced in my past that I still carry around with me and how they could be affecting my future.
Yes, he cheated on you or you let her walk all over you.
Unpack that and set it down, so you can thrive.

Many of us allow those interactions/experiences/moments define us going forward. It is important to cherish some things in the now but let them go.
Why are you always worried about what he might do to hurt you?
Why do you always get defensive when women get close?
Have you seriously unpacked the things that you carry?

For the first few years after my relationship, I couldn’t imagine feeling the amount of love that put me at risk of getting as hurt as I did.
I actively avoided anything that will allow me to fall that hard for someone. In some cases, I would blatantly self-sabotage myself to prevent chances of being hurt.
I had to stop once and ask myself, why do you keep carrying that around?

The annoying thing with unpleasant things you haul around is that it is sometimes the first thing new people see when they meet you.
In the second conversation, your hurt, doubts, and insecurities start showing and he/she wants to run as far away from you as possible.
And the part that sucks the most is that it is so far away from who you really are.
Set some time aside, the things you have seen or been through are all very valid but they should not govern your life and your path forward.
What are the good things? Note them and cherish them.
Everything else? Let them go.

It is not enough to unpack.
When you take your stuff to Goodwill or Salvation Army to donate, you don’t later go back to buy it.
It takes intentionality to thrive and move forward.
You need to make it a daily choice to bask in your greatness. You have let go of the “waste”, now focus on the great.

Most people will reckon that packing can be difficult because you don’t know what you will need where you are going.
It is much easier after a trip to know what you don’t need for the next one. So toss it.
Abandon it, you will be better for it.

 

#WordsOfWednesday
#WTHM
#TheRantsShow

Black.Gay.Waiting Part 4 out on Saturday!
Please watch this space!

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

#WordsOfWednesday
© 2018 #WhatTheHeckMan