It violated.
Really did.
I sat there first stunned, confused and then angry. Very angry.
I ran it up the flagpole with my closet people. It was one of the most disrespectful things I had ever had said to me.
It still ranks very high on the list.
“How could you?” I kept asking myself.
Before I even get into what happened, remember this – you are not above disrespect, ever.
Even the ones you expect so much from, can let you down.
Healthy adulting is hoping for the best and planning for the worst – even in friendships and though we won’t admit it, in love as well.

——
Ladies:
Quick question – how would you feel if the man you were in love with and dating said that he thought you were the type to sleep around for money?
And that he had run some of your pictures and behaviors by his friends and they agreed.
——

As the love of my life at the time suggested that I could be gay because of _ (THE REASONS DON’T EVEN MATTER), I was stunned, hurt and disappointed.
Not because being gay is bad.
But to know you to be the opposite of something and still say it or suggest it felt very strange to me.
To find that someone you had intimately shared your body and soul with, could not hold their own real opinion on something was even more upsetting.
That was what hurt the most.
Imagine how hurt you can be when your youngest sibling fixes their mouth to call you stingy after all you’ve sacrificed because their friend heard you say no to them one time?
Yeah, that feeling.
The exact one you just had is how I felt.

For those that may make this about being gay – it’s not about that exactly.
I invite you to flip it – imagine being openly gay. Living, loving, thriving and then a partner you love says “I think you are putting on this gay thing for show”.
Ah.
Yeah, there it is.

It’s the same type of feeling you would have if you told your story of how women can sometimes be more emotionally abusive than men. As per your own experiences.
But then one of your closest ‘friends’ says that you give off “women hater” vibes from your tweets.
Failing to acknowledge your lived experience of being raped at 9 by a woman and being sexually violated by older women till you could find your voice.

Who are you?
When someone asks you that, what is the answer you give. Most times, we start with our names but think beyond that for a second.
Who are YOU?
Are you kind, considerate, giving, thoughtful, patient, intentional…?
Is that you?

I believe it’s truly important to know who you are deep down.
One of the reasons it’s so important is because people will actively work hard to make you feel less than or like you are something or someone else.
Rather than rejoicing in the complexity that makes us all unique, so often this world tries shrink us to make us more manageable.
So those attempts will come but who are you?
How are you standing?

Know your core early enough, so you are able to feel how I felt but not lose yourself or drift.
I remember finding confidence in the most confused looks on my friends faces as I questioned them.
You ever be accused of something so far from who you are, that you even start to question who you know yourself to be?
In this case, sexuality is one thing but it can be replaced by anything else and it would still hurt.
For example, imagine thinking of yourself as very humble but someone you care about tells you they believe you to pretentious or not genuine.
And that they could point to this and this evidence of such.

This situation taught me something, you can find almost anything you want to find when you look closely enough.
If you want to believe a friend of yours is ungrateful, you will find the moments where their “thank you’s” aren’t loud enough. Or if you want to believe that nothing good happens to you, I am pretty sure you can point to evidence that it doesn’t.
That is life.
And why you have to choose to see the light you want to see in people. Especially the ones we claim to love.

Have you ever been so wrongly accused by someone you loved that it brought you to tears?

New podcast episode dropping today.
Click here to listen to my thought on everything from Will & Jada, to 48 Oyster Bay, Wedding Dress to to church and so much more.
Also please leave me a comment on how you feel about this post.

Song of the Week:
Wande Coal – Ebelebe ft. Wizkid: It’s been a minute since I drifted towards Afrobeats. My last few months have been spent enjoying sounds from other regions of Africa. Heavy on the music out of South Africa, Kenya and even Ghanaian highlife.

But I really like this song. You can tell that Wande still mostly freestyles his songs into hits but I love the synergy between them. A part of me feels like they shot the video before Wiz’s mom passed, God rest her soul but I enjoyed seeing him smile.
They both could do with seasoned writers – ugh, imagine a studio session with Johnny Drille, Kizz Daniel, Wiz, Wande and maybe like a Nonso Amadi or Tay Iwar?
Lord, that would be magical!

Anyway, enjoy the song and an even better video.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EJBWNXLAVOU

Please comment, repost and share.
Thank you for your continued support.
You are highly appreciated.

WordsOfWednesday
#WhatTheHeckMan © 2023

It’s Friday evening.
8year old you is with your two younger siblings 6 & 4.
Mummy and Aunty Jade were supposed to pick you all after drama rehearsals and on their way back from Lagos Island.
You waited.
The sun started to go down and there was notway for you and your siblings to make it into the house.
Eventually, your neighbor Mrs Nduka, who is also your mom’s go-to person in the neighborhood invites you into her home to wait for your mother and aunt.
Seems simple right?
Yeah, those pre-GSM days.

You are suddenly gently woken up out of sleep.
Dazed but recognizing the familiar voice, you slowly rise up. It’s your mom and aunt.
They have come to get you from your neighbors place.
As you all find your belongings and stumble out, you catch a glimpse of the giant Deeper Life wall clock on the wall.
It reads 10:08pm.
You make your way into your house.
It smells like – home.
Exhausted, all you want to do is sleep.
You know everyone is tired. You are still in your school clothes from 7:12am this morning when your neighborhood bus came to get you.
As you drag yourself to your room, your aunty asks what you all want to eat. She assumes you must be starving.
You sleepishly reply that you all had eaten at Mrs Nduka’s house.
Stumble into bed.
Goodnight.

You have not a care in the world as you rise on Saturday morning.
You start with cleaning your room like you have been raised to do.
You can smell the Akara frying from the kitchen. You had picked the beans on Thursday after all , you remembered.
A little over an hour later, your siblings assemble to eat their akara and ogi but yours isn’t plated.
Surprised you go to the kitchen to find out why – your aunt redirects your curiosity to your mother in the living room.
She is doing some work and listening to TBN (Trinity Broadcasting Network in the background).
You approach and she proceeds to grill you about why you let you and your siblings eat at a strangers house.

You are stunned.
Mrs Nduka’s kids have slept at your house before. Your family has eaten there before.
This woman is your mom’s friend.
You are just standing there wondering. Then it hits you years later, not in that living room.
But thousands of miles away. It clocks that our parents just didn’t want us eating at other people’s houses, especially when they weren’t there.
Before the days of telling us we couldn’t have McDonald’s because there was rice at home, there was rice at home.

You cannot find your special thing in everyone, stop looking for it everywhere.

I was talking to my friend once and they brought up my interesting encounters with love.
My friend asked me if I felt like my constant search for love and belonging might have sent me to places that I didn’t need to be in.
Omo as a proud man, it felt like a slap in the face.
A jolt from within but she was right.
I sat on FaceTime that day as she made her sandwich and I kept feeling like I had just been plastered with one.
It was hilariously painful.

I feel like all my adulthood has been me trying to find love and belonging, and truthfully sometimes in places where I knew I shouldn’t have gone in the first place.
I remember my mind being blown one time when someone sent me a full breakdown of how I wanted to be loved.
It got me so hype and I felt so seen but I was too high on the moment to flag that even the person that was posting out all the ways I wanted to be loved, was incapable of loving me the way I wanted to be loved.

Since 2018, I started keeping a running list of things I prayed for in a partner and a letter to the woman I choose to marry.
Neither of the lists are stagnant – they are very fluid and ever evolving.
But you see, I haven’t always felt like I had a the blueprint written out and truthfully – I haven’t always followed it.
So despite knowing exactly what I want, I still found myself considering things and people that I simply knew could not meet up.
It was that same search for love that led me into the arms of this friend of mine. The same one telling me that there was rice at home but didn’t have rice in their home at the time.

I remember one day Mrs Nduka was advising my mother because I had been seen with a girl down the street by a church member – we were just walking o! She was telling my mom to be more present and stricter with me.
My mom would ultimately discipline me but not because of what I did but because I “allowed Mrs Nduka, the right to speak to my mother about how to be a mom”.
It felt like an insult to her especially when Mrs Nduka’s son had been arrested with some cultists last year.
Who was she to give my mother advise?
It got me thinking – the message might not come from a source you like or respect but it should not diminish the quality or value of the message still coming through.

As someone who has ended up more hurt and confused by searching or even exploring love in the wrong places.
Work on loving yourself, first.
If you don’t love yourself, you’ll tolerate quite a bit and a lot of it won’t even be up to par with what you want or need.
Be honest with yourself about who you are and what you want. And frankly, my message to you all now is “don’t compromise”.
Ladies, drill into your list – we know you have one and decide what you truly want from someone and stick to it.
Don’t just fall for his words or the bread crumbing.
Fellas, bum bum is great. Trust me, I’m a victim. 🤣
Now add in stunning smile, melanin toh bad and a raspy but inviting voice?
Issallova!
BUT WAIT!
Hold firm. Be flexible but don’t concede early. Stand for what you truly want and continuing being what you truly want for yourself as well.
———
Sidebar: why is that people think that you cannot take accountability for your actions but also explore the perspectives that made you how you are?
———

In line with not all the “love” dangled in your face is actually love and more importantly, it’s not all “love” that you should accept or collect.
One thing I have always found interesting is how quickly “love” turns to anger, disgust and so on, once you decide you don’t want what they are offering. Many times even before you have tasted said love.
I’ll say this from a man’s perspective because that is really what I can speak on more than other perspectives.

I have seen too many times where you attract someone who professes their love for you – they are sure before they even know you well enough, that you are right for them and vice versa.
You knowing yourself better than anyone else, once you see early on that they aren’t what you need, you make it clear and if you have to, cut ties.
Before you are able to settle, you’re blocked and cursed.

I don’t think Mrs Nduka ws wrong for attempting to feed you and your siblings – people will always give what they have.
You just have to decide if it is really what you want and most importantly, what you need.

Make sure you have rice at home and for those not catching on – rice in this instance is genuine and healthy love.
So have it at home, so when you go out, people don’t offer you things not up to par and you feel compelled to collect it.

Song of the Week:
Buya – UMUTHI ft. Mawelele & Makhosi : This song literally transports me to place of calm and makes me wish I was living in South Africa or Kenya for a year. It’s beautiful, the melodies, the lyrics are rich. Enjoy and let me know if you like it too!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EJBWNXLAVOU

Please comment, repost and share.
Thank you for your continued support.
You are highly appreciated.

WordsOfWednesday
#WhatTheHeckMan © 2023

It’s 1:37am, I woke up a little over an hour ago.
I swear when I woke up I thought it was the morning but I found out that I had only been sleeping for a handful of hours.
Anyway, it’s Wednesday now, so I can post. First of all, thank you to everyone that read last week’s post and also listened to my new episode of my podcast – I really appreciate it.
If you haven’t read last week’s post, please do so here and you can listen to me return on the microphone here.

As some of you who have been following me for a while will know, I have been managing and working on my mental health for years now.
Today on #NationalMentalHealthDay – I wanted to share a few things:

Your mental journey is just that, a journey.
Focus not on a destination but managing the journey. Think about your mental health journey as a marathon. 
You want to manage the journey and coast through the process – never too fast or two slow.
Steady is valuable.
Too often life forces us to be faster, or dwell longer – you want to strike the perfect balance.
It is also important to not get too hung up on times you are too high and times where you are low.

It is very easy in high moments to want to do everything to hold onto them and yes you should try to stretch your happy moments as much as possible but don’t fall victim of them.
Allowing yourself to enjoy the moments in them, being present and cherishing them is more important than trying to hold on to those moments.
Said moments will fade and can ebb + flow, so allowing yourself grace to move within them is important.

Track the highs and the lows – find the triggers and the highlights in both settings. It will help you navigate both as they come up. Most importantly, allow yourself to feel it all.
There are valleys and dizzying peaks. Days where everything you touch turns to gold and the next where the sun doesn’t rise outside and suddenly you question everything about your existence.
Sometimes I find that trying to prevent myself from feeling low is what leads me into a deeper hole. Versus just understanding what triggers may have come up, feeling things temporarily and relying on my (healthy) coping mechanisms to get me through.

Therapy is expensive but not healing or evolving costs more.

One thing that you don’t find out till you are in it is how expensive therapy can be – financially and emotionally.
Therapy will tax you emotionally and invite you to cash in the secrets that have built your walls keeping you from the outside world and the risk of being hurt.
And for example if you don’t live in America or have good health insurance coverage, you can end up paying a lot for a lot.
Financially, it adds up too.

But one thing I have realized is that if you don’t address it – it being your mental health, it will cost more in the long run.
Think about your life right now and think about the friendships, relationships and more that you have lost because you feared getting hurt or you self sabotaged.
Or things you couldn’t fight for because you were so on E from life draining you.
The costs add up. I recommend prioritizing your mental if and when the funds allow it, it will save you a ton and from a ton in the future.

Song of the Week:
I Get Backing –
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iRmx-btWrFk&ab_channel=VictoriaOrenze

Win small battles and get practical about your everyday.

You showered today?
You didn’t cry?
You ate?
Oh you actually went outside?

All small wins. With tremendous ability to have great snowball and downstream effects.
I used to struggle to do some big ticket things, until I started to try to win incremental battles. Please note that all I am speaking about is not during phase where you may be dealing with deep clinical depression.
I for one am now living functionally with my situation.

A few years ago, I started going to the gym in the mornings – it greatly improves my mood.
But I would struggle to get out of bed in the mornings, so I started putting my clothes in front of my bedroom door, so all through the night when I would go to the bathroom, I would see the items and know that I needed to go to the gym.
It won’t always be that straight forward but that simple act helped greatly improve my mood and made me feel closer to winning.

Guard your mental health jealously and selfishly
It won’t make sense to everyone but guard your mental health. Especially when you find out your triggers.
Those triggers can be in people, places, projects and more.
It won’t always seem easy to get for others but you have to know you and what gets you.

Remember though, that sometimes the guards you put in place to protect yourself could be triggers for others.
So while you try to protect yourself, understand that not everyone is out to hurt you – even if they eventually can and they just might.

Understand Your Internal Working Model

Internal working model of attachment is a psychological approach that attempts to describe the development of mental representations, specifically the worthiness of the self and expectations of others’ reactions to the self.

Your internal working model will influence how you view yourself and it tries to reinforce how you feel about yourself through things that happen to you or around. If you believe you deserve love, when it comes you’ll feel justified. If you feel you don’t deserve love, when it doesn’t come, you say “ah! Exactly, I don’t deserve love”

It will contribute to:

• Self doubt
• Imposter syndrome
• Negative talk
• Self sabotage

Understand how you see yourself and the interrogate that.
Why do you see yourself as less or why do you feel like you don’t deserve good things?
When clearly you do.

God above all

My mental health is largely influenced by my faith.
I go to God first. But I still struggle like everyone else.
I let depression sneak in and I may try to fight it myself, instead of praying.
I start almost everyday with prayer and worship but it doesn’t always mean that I do the right things internally.

Many times, my depression is brought on by my sin and falling short of God’s expectations. Which sucks because he forgives me and I end up not forgiving myself.
Like how sway?
It’s so backwards but it’s how I sometimes treat myself.

So truthfully, my mental health would be much better if I did what God wanted. Many times, I do the opposite of what he wants or I do the opposite of what I should do and then I feel worthless.
This then triggers my depression or negative talk.

Worshipping helps me a lot. I get to submit and just tell him how much I need him.
I want to stay in that place more and not just run there when things go south.

I don’t think I have everything about my mental figured or sorted but I can say the following

• Stay with it, it gets better. I promise.
• Therapy changed my life.
• Therapy requires application – the theory has to transfer to real life.
• You will have to get it wrong to get it right
• Be wary of false dawns. Do the work, the nasty, gritty work – you will be better for it in the long run.
• Be patient, be kind. You are figuring this out as you go along.

Please comment, repost and share.
Thank you for your continued support.
You are highly appreciated.

WordsOfWednesday
#WhatTheHeckMan © 2023

I just sang a Yoruba hymn in front of 100’s of people live and thousands online at one of the biggest companies in the world today.

Sanmi – Tuesday, October 26th, 2023

It’s 8:33 pm
I am parked in my Tesla on the side of the road across from my apartment.
I finally give in.
Tears.
I am talking full snot, wheezing, throat clamping eye bawling session.
I broke.
In gratitude.
This was easily one of the best days of my life and my soul is drenched in thanksgiving.
Let me tell you how we got here.

I should start this story from way back in June but I’ll come back to that. Let’s go back to just yesterday.
I was meant to pick up my car rental at 10am and drive to my office HQ which was about an hour away.
How can it be Monday morning with 11 customers in line and only one person at the counter of the car rental pickup?
I was already so frustrated.
I needed to get to HQ for a couple of meetings and I also had soundcheck for the event I was participating in on Tuesday.
I finally picked up my car after almost an hour of waiting and headed to the office.

At the end of every year, typically in my hotel room in Lagos, I review my goals for the year.
I grade myself and give myself marks which I eventually share with you all, while prepping and outlining my goals for the coming year.
Coming into 2023, one of my business/professional goals was to speak in front of the company or on behalf of the company.

On Tuesday, that goal became a reality.
Back in April, there was an email about being part of an annual event at my company.
I kinda brushed it off but then I remembered a Black woman who led the same event last year, so I decided to apply.
I specifically wanted to make sure you all note that I chose to apply because I saw another black person like me doing something and thought I could too. This is for those of you out there worrying instead of doing it afraid – the next person you could be inspiring to greatness is waiting for you. Do it.

Anyway, back to my event.
I applied when the entries were 200 words or less. And so you can imagine my shock when my application to be the key speaker was chosen.
I was stunned.
I spent the following months working with a couple of coaches and an amazing team that prepped me for the big day.
I was going to tell a story about my life in front of my entire company. Huh????
I couldn’t believe it. As we fine-tuned the content of the event, we finally got to a place where they wanted to see if I could sing at the event.
I would sing a favorite hymn of my grandma’s in Yoruba.
Yes, I walked out on stage singing one of my favorite hymns in Yoruba at one of the biggest companies in the world.
Chills.

As I walked through soundcheck and got mic’d up. I just remember asking for the Holy Spirit to take over. I was so nervous and worried about failing that I just kept praying.
I am so thankful for God but also for my relationship with him. The praying and deep breathing brought me calm.
I would need that calm in abundance the next day as well.

On the day of the speech, my parents were running late due to traffic and I was very worried that they would miss the event and my speaking segment. My anxiety was out of this world.
I was constantly needing to remember to breathe.
They would eventually make it there.
Right before I went on stage, I went to the bathroom.
Got down on my knees and just blessed God, I thanked him and then asked him for the grace to deliver.

I felt he was going to deliver that day from the morning at the gym.
My playlist was hitting. Look What You’ve Done by Greatman Takit came on and I knew it was so apt because look at what God has done.
My tailor started calling me Irawo Agbaye in 2019, I met a woman who started calling me Sunshine in 2019, and my mother started calling me Eniiwaju in 2020. Today, I shone bright.
Everything I touched felt magical and ordained.
Standing up there and just telling my truth in my own way, was everything.
It felt good to see all the layers of me interact with each other.
My faith didn’t take a back seat at my workplace. My creativity put me front and center and my God no dey wear flip flops.
It felt magical.

So as I sat across from my apartment in my soon-to-be-returned Tesla, you can understand why my heart was filled with gratitude and I was bawling my eyes out.
The mighty one came through and I’m forever grateful.
Even before this week, I had been getting word of the Holy Spirit taking me into a season of shifting.
I randomly stumbled on a sermon about there being a shifting in this season.
I didn’t know exactly what it meant but I felt it.
It stuck with me.
And all through last week and even as I put the finishing touches to this post at 2:55 am – I feel it.

The last time I felt this type of move in my spirit was in 2018 and that year my life changed for good.
It’s amazing to see what God has done especially because I have been feeling very unworthy.
Not only by how I have been within myself but also by how I feel like my heart has been responding to life around me.
It’s been truly beautiful to see that God has not forsaken me or his promises for me.
I find myself in awe of what he has done for and through me this year.
I am excited for what is to come and for the testimonies to be complete but before it all becomes “perfect”, just take a moment to see what God has done and Look at What You’ve Done.

Update: I came back to add this part at 3:25 am. I truly believe this part may help somebody.
Oftentimes, we see the highlights of people’s lives and we try to base our lives on that. We see someone appear to be shining and we believe that our lives should mirror that, even without knowing what that person is going through in the background.
For example, the picture below on the left is me maybe 5 minutes after bawling my eyes out inside that Tesla outside and the one on the right is me opening my phone to change a song while I cried and I caught what I looked like.

One of the reasons I love writing this blog is that I give you all my real perspective on things but most importantly, I don’t hide things from you all. That day, I was a mess. Completely.
If not for God, I would have folded.
But you see, I only posted the picture to the left on my IG, I know how many people would have thought my life was perfect and I was so happy.
Yes, it was an overall happy day but it had ups and downs.
Like life always does.
I pray you share the full you in every space you can, and let people know that one of the reasons your light shines so bright, is because you are not afraid of the dark.

Keep the lights on, in everything you do.
Soon your light will be so bright, you won’t even be able to hide or contain it.
Till next time, keep your head up.

Oh, and I have a surprise for you soon. Stay tuned.

Song of the Week is very easily:
Look What You’ve Done Already – I miss you and I always think of you when I hear this song. You’re always in my heart.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DOPwjTxgcKY

Please comment, repost and share.
Thank you for your continued support.
You are highly appreciated.

WordsOfWednesday
#WhatTheHeckMan © 2023

It’s Tuesday and I’m sitting in the airport cellphone lot of one of the cities I hate the most in this world.
I’m on my laptop, powering with my overheating phone.
It’s high heat in the afternoon.
There are tears streaking down my cheeks as I have therapy.
My heart is beating slow as I am in the lowest of lows, watching giant AirBuses fly over my head and landing behind me.

The session was almost over when a police officer pulled up and asked all the cars in the area to leave. Apparently, that was not the actual cell phone lot.
I feel like one of us must have thought it was and parked there, before others followed.
A part of me felt relief that the session was almost over when he pulled up but another part of me was relieved because I had poured out some of the heavy things on my heart.

As I left that session and into the city – I left with two main things she said She asked me how I felt fulfillment in my relationships/friendships and I said by “being there for the people I love in whatever capacity they need me” She replied and said “you only see your value that way because you don’t believe that you deserve love, so you focus more on giving it to others as a way of ensuring they never feel unloved but as a result, you don’t get said love”

OMO.

The next thing she said was that I had done a poor job of writing down my daily affirmations.
She said a lot of the situations I find myself in are as a result of me not knowing my own self worth because if I did, I would never allow myself to be in those spaces/situations.

OMO x 1M.

She has been trying to work with me on seeing myself more and more. And loving me for me, not for what I bring to others or lack thereof.
The week would end with an anniversary, a Manchester United game, heartbreak in a hotel room along with a really raw session with God before he put me on stage.

Last week, I published my midyear review and there are things I shared in the post that resonated with some including myself and some things that triggered others again including myself. Some of you may know this but for as much content as I create, I typically do not go back to read them. I strongly feel like the rawest version of me is the first version y’all get. This version.
That’s it.
No need to review it in the short term. Sometimes I come back years later to review things because they show where I was and how far I had come.
But truthfully, I like to just share my words as they intersect with my life and encourage others.

This week, I have been auditing my spaces I occupy.
Have I been honest with myself? There was a time where I was deeply craving a type of love that I didn’t have that I wanted to find it in everyone. I wanted to find it in others, but the last 72ish hours have reminded me that I can only find it in God and then within myself. I have lied to myself a lot. Looking straight into the eyes of people and things, knowing they do not have the space/bandwidth/capacity/experience to either love me the way I wanted or give me things I need.

I have always found it hard to give up on people and things.
I usually struggle and make excuses for people for a long period of time while holding out hope. It’s hope that lifts but also hope that kills.

The easiest person to lie to is yourself. 

– The Wordsmith

Knowing myself early on, I can almost always tell when something won’t serve me.
Even when I don’t know directly, the Holy Spirit will plant it in my heart.
The grief, pain and heartbreak I have experienced has largely come from ignoring those messages and trying to forge ahead on my own understanding alone.  It has always ended in tears. Just like it did in May or in the airport last week.

I am emotionally exhausted. From familial responsibilities to friendships to romance to career – I am tired.
I have nothing left in this current version of me.
I need to pull back and recharge. 
But I need to come back stronger and with the understanding that there is only happiness in God and in following what he has for me.
The signs are always there, people.

We know when something isn’t right for us. 
Or we aren’t right for something or someone. 
But like me, many of us choose to lie to ourselves. We pacify ourselves with hope, only delaying the inevitable pain and sadness that often comes as the encore. 
There is so much of my soul that has chipped away because I looked outside before looking inward. 

Today, I urge you to have an honest conversation with yourself. 
Alone.
No noise.
Just you and the facts. The facts of who you are, what you are, what you bring, what you need, what you can offer, what you can take and what telling yourself real truths will mean.
The last 4days have humbled me. I stood in front of dozens of people and worshipped with a heavy heart and battered soul.  Dancing between my pain and my worry for the people I love. 
Privately in my hotel room, I knelt down and worshipped in solemnity.
I didn’t know what the Holy Spirit was doing at the time but the way the following days have played out, it all makes sense now.

Many call me sunshine but I haven’t seen the sun in so long.
I am not depressed this time around. I thank God for that.
But I am cautiously reeling.
Feeling pain and still wading towards my purpose.
This second half of the year is about Sanmi – The First.
And Sanmi first. I won’t stop loving or giving or sharing my heart but I am no longer lying to myself.
There are words that won’t be said and chapters discontinued because my ink is out. 
My therapist told me a few months ago to not connect myself worth to relationships or people.
Again, did I listen?
Nope.
But it’s okay to know that something not working and it’s not because you are not enough. 
Or because you are too much.
Sometimes it just is and that is okay.
It is what you do when you have that realization that makes you better. 


So hi,
My name is Sanmi and I am done. 🌹

Please comment, repost and share.
Thank you for your continued support.
You are highly appreciated.

WordsOfWednesday
#WhatTheHeckMan © 2023

It’s 5:22am.
I woke up hearing a construction drill that sounded like a generator at my cousin’s Idejo St. house in Lagos’ Victoria Island. That generator would always kick in immediately NEPA ceased the electricity flow.
It was consistent.
Here I am older, frothing my pre-workout, consistently pushing my boundaries and my body – super disciplined on most things.
Who knew?

Today I’m about to groom myself (cut my hair and shave), get my nails done and a massage, get my offering and tithe out of the bank for Sunday, pick out my Sunday clothes and then just sleep.
For many of you, you would have noticed my end of the year reviews that I write.
I will be writing another this year but I also wanted to write a mid year review or update on “life in flow”. There are the main themes that I typically write about but I also wanted to write about just general things I have noticed about myself this year.

I find myself wanting to be kinder – not knowing why people are the way they are and what they are going through.
I remember one day I was driving after getting laid off from a job and I was bawling my eyes out in traffic, someone honked at me for not driving fast enough. I could only laugh because I was like, you clearly don’t know.
And that is much of life, people just don’t know.
So try to be kind in everything.

I have self medicated a lot this year. For pain management and for relaxation.
I don’t want tone reliant on anything external that much. It might have been because of someone new I met this year that does it more frequently than I do but I need to cut back.
Funny though, whenever I get 🍃 I always listen to worship. Does that happen to you?
Like I get deeper into the realm of worship and communion with God.
It feels contradictory huh but it really be happening like that.

I am still super critical of myself (thanks Nigerian household) – I forgot a lyric while singing on Sunday. Everyone behind me looked confused because it never happens with me but it was a reminder to me that greatness requires continued improvement.
Only maybe 20mins after writing this, I was watching the same minister that has captivated me for the last week and I saw him glaringly forget a line during a ministration. I knew, he knew and he smiled but continued.
In a very simple way, it was a nice reminder that greatness doesn’t always have to equal perfection. God has been working on me.
He’s been saying get ready to stand in front of everyone.
All my life because of bullying and self esteem, wanting to be hidden, I have hated the spotlight. I have always thought that my life was meant to be impactful but unseen but God is saying he wants more. To do more with me and make me more.
No one cares who built the toilet but every house has at least one.
Every house needs one.
That is the type of impact I want to leave on the world.
Invaluable but impossible to avoid or ignore.

—————

Faith:
I am not entirely sure how I have been doing faith wise this year.
I have been more diligent about certain areas of my faith – I consecrate myself more and make space for alone time with God but I still don’t feel all the way there.
I have paid my tithes diligently this year, I have worshipped like I never have before and I continue to feel God speaking to and through me.
So why still the disconnect?
Not sure.

I just came back from my mid year recharge.
It started taxing on the body but was great for my soul as always. Every summer for the last few years, I take a vacation that allows me reconnect with myself.
Breathe.
Find my center again and then power into the second half of the year.
On this vacation, I think I may have discovered 5-6 songs that I love and have ministered great things to me.
It has been so humbling to say the least.
The way each one has a message for me and has me wrapped, it’s incredible how God works.

One area within faith that I have been struggling with is discernment of what is happening and I am still working on my temper as well.
Over the last week, I could feel that God was doing something within me.
I knew it was there – I didn’t know what for but I knew it was happening.
I was starting to revel in the feeling and being grateful that something was happening within me.
Next thing, I am deep in a argument with one of my closest people. I’m talking – height of anger – cussing each other out level.
And it is funny because in the midst of it happening, I could feel the Holy Spirit point out to me like “you just let him in” and I was so disappointed in myself.
So yeah, more work to be done for sure.
2023 Midyear Score: Meh.

———————
Fitness:
Guys!
I’ve seen abs this year o! Can you believe it?
This section has not been about the body entirely but how it marries to the mind?
I have been going to the gym consistently – even on vacation. Can you believe that working out on vacation led me to meet Gary V in the most random European country?
It’s amazing how life works.

But truthfully, this year has so far shown me that the battle I am fighting is more internal than external. Despite seeing very visible gains. I still struggle reconcile what people see with how I feel internally?
Last December, I started focusing more on maintaining consistency in all areas of my life – especially fitness. I now pick hotels for my trips based on how nice the beds are and whether they have gyms. I must admit as much as I have been doing well on the fitness side, I am not so sure Ihave been the best in the kitchen. I can certainly do better there. So I need to bring back my shirataki noodles and no rice life.
At least for a couple more months – the last of this belly fat must go!
2023 Midyear Score: Trending positive

—————
Creativity:
I’ve been writing more consistently this year. This has actually been one of my most consistent years with regards to posting and sharing things with you all on here.
I have also been a bit more active and intentional with posting on my social media platforms. There are realms within this area that I can improve on – like for example, we haven’t seen one episode of TheRantsShow this year – how?

I got word today. “You have gotten to a place when you don’t have to say too much for your readers to know what you are saying. Even your cliffhangers are no longer cliffhangers like that…”
Someone said that to me about and my writing – while they meant it as a compliment. One of the things I love about my stories is the level of unpredictability I have. So expect more.
The master of cliffhangers is back. Watch out.
2023 Midyear Score: Trending positive

—————
Finances:

I didn’t always stick to my budget in 2022.
I spent a lot on trips, travel and time with my friends but I still hit my savings goals.
Part of my goal this year will be to save and keep the money saved. I may need to move things to a separate SEPARATE account. But our goals must be achieved this year.
I mentioned last year that I have big goals and I still do – am I closer to those goals? Yes.
Can I be more intentional about aligning myself for those goals?
The answer also is yes.
I also got one credit card this year in part of building my credit.
Many of you know I have been living a largely cash based life since 2018 but because of how this country is set up, you need credit at some point. Hence the card.
I still want that AMEX tho – so if you know a way or have a friend or family that works there that can hook me up – help meeeee! N**gaaaaaaa

This second half of this year, I am also working to make sure my money can work and go longer for me.
So looking into investment opportunities and a side project I have going on.
More to come there but stay tuned.
My advise of money and anything really is start small and work your way up. Little drops will flood your ocean. 2023 Midyear Score: STATIC

————
Relationships:

Last week talking to my mother, she asked me about marriage. Context about how she has been asking me about it
I have seen way too many loud engagements, heart string tugging pictures, quite archives on IG, even more silent divorces. I may have written this a while ago but I actually don’t think I have ever imagined my wedding day, outside of the fact that I know it will be a “big” party with my closest friends and plantain will NOT run out.
It is a requirement more than the bride sef. 🤣
Plantain and food must not run out at my wedding, it just can’t and those of you that food runs out at your wedding, trust me I be side-eyeing you.

This year has shown me that having someone there is not the same as them being present.
I am a bit more selfish this year with my heart.
I truly believe I am in my 20% era.
I have love to give but not anyhow. Let the other people that love me, bring the 80%.
Therapy has been a tremendous help in helping me realize that I am worthy.

This week, my therapist asked me how I feel fulfilled in none work situations. I said I feel that way by “loving on my people and making sure they are okay”
She chuckled and said “yeah, you only feel that way because you don’t think you deserve love. So you try to make sure others feel loved and hope in return you feel it too but that’s not how the world works”
She ate.
I bawled my eyes out shortly after.

The kid in me just wants to be happy.
I want to feel seen in my relationships and friendships. I know who I am.
When I am fully invested, I can be a full package.
You’ll know you have someone.
I love with all of me. My body, soul, finances, time, thoughts – all of it.
So I think I deserve the same and not to feel like I am asking for too much.
Everyone wants someone that is intentional about them. Someone that wants them to feel all their love.
Not just in voice notes or in imagination.
I truly hate “I was going to…” type of love.
DO IT.
And this doesn’t even necessarily apply to romantic relationships alone but in all relationships.
It also doesn’t mean that friends and partners have to love you exactly the way you love them but you should never look around and see nothing there.
The sad truth is that most of the time, when people don’t try with you. They do with others.
And that is more heartbreaking than anything.

Love is pure. Love is not hard but it’s hardwork, intentional work.
People think love should automatically be rosy. Think of anything you really love, you work hard to appreciate it and cherish it more than anything.
Love + intention all through 2023 and beyond. I still never got my Ewa agoyin. Hmmm.
I don’t want my kids to just think I love them because I am their dad, I want them to know I love them because I say it AND I show up in ways that affirm the love.
Are you showing up intentionally in your relationships/friendships today?

If you truly love someone, make it known.
Work at it.
Fight for it.
Be in it.
Which King let’s someone else come in and take their crown?
Exactly.

————

This year has been raw.
I have cried almost every week – in worship, in therapy, in joy and sadness.
But I am actively working.
Pushing to be better and I hope you’re doing the same.
I am THAT guy.
I am great.
I deserve love. I deserve joy.
I deserve good things. People that love me intentionally.
I will chose kindness over pettiness.
I will stand in places of honor.
I will love on those that love me in every way I can.

Eniiwaju, you are loved. I’ve been working on this blogpost for over a month but take moment to quickly review your 20223 so far. How are you doing? In areas that require work, improvement, steadiness (because sometimes nothing needs to change). How are you really doing?
How is your mental health? Physical health? Spiritual.
Does your emotional tank need topping?
Here’s a remind to review you and push for “better” – whatever that means for you. I’ll be here cheering you on as always.
Till we read again, stay up.

Please comment, retweet and share. Thank you for your continued support.
You are highly appreciated.

WordsOfWednesday

© 2023 #WhatTheHeckMan

Where do you get your random silent thoughts?
The ones that come to you at the weirdest times and about the most abstract things?
I love conversations with people in my life that stimulate thoughts in the moment and later.

It’s been an interesting couple of days and weeks y’all.
Since I last wrote to you, I have experienced the coldest of moments – masked next to the one I love but unable to feel their warmth and deep into the heat of one of God’s greatest creations.
It’s been a time.
I randomly tweeted this a little while ago before I even started writing this but I am truly grateful for the life I am living and also being able to document it.

You know what will be a random cool thing.
My children can spend their lives reading my blogposts – not only learning a bit about the type of man their father is/was but also watching me grow and live through my words.
Magical.
What a gift.

Anyway, this week – I have been thinking.
A little while ago someone asked me whatI regretted the most? I truly live like I don’t have regrets.
Some things may hurt in the moment but I am not sure I have felt regret.
Despite feeling like that, there are times where I would get that question and my mind would immediately go to one incident.
I would feel a sickening in my stomach but I always quickly moved on to the fact that I am not that man anymore.
No, I will never angrily ask for money I loaned out again.

But that got me thinking about pasts and the future.
I think we spend a lot of our life thinking about our past and it causes us to mess up our presents in our present.
See what I did there? LOL
Ugh, I love you Sanmi!
But you feel me?
I remember feeling like I was not worthy of love because I had hurt some women in my past.
Or trying to avoid loving again because of my previous mistakes.
There is a lot our past rightfully informs but I think you should obsess on having the best possible future than worrying about your past.
It’s done.
Can’t be changed.
Can’t apologize for itself or make life have turned out any different.
You know what has that power though?
The present one enough to influence the future.

———

Today I got the random urge to listen to one of my favorite songs from almost 12 years ago.
It was so random.
I walked back into my hotel room and played it – it’s playing now in my ears – and it transported me to 2012.
Like that entire summer.
A song that I played almost everyday for three years, I suddenly haven’t heard in almost a decade.
But once I played it, it took me right back to that time.
My physical body felt it.
And it warmed my soul. It gave life.

So here are 5 songs I love and the story behind them

2012
DJ Sbu ft. Zahara – Lengoma
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OEV_4xBrMJU&ab_channel=TSrecordsSA

OMG guys!
As I wanted to start writing this segment, I thought to pull up the full meaning of Lengoma for you all.
In searching that, I stumbled on this page that has a more soulful version of the song!
https://africangospellyrics.com/2013/02/04/lengoma-this-song-by-zahara/
WOW.
Who knew I could fall in love with the song that signaled that I would fall in love?

Yes.
The Summer of 2012, I was trying to determine what my love life and life in general would be after graduating that year. I stumbled on this song but it guided my path for the next few years.
It would calm me on some days and others give me joy and largely hope.
This song spoke that I could deserve love and it found me a few weeks into me finding it.
And till today this song remains while love has come and gone.

2012-2013
Future – Turn On The Lights
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zIrhcTkHX_A&ab_channel=FutureVEVO

I was slipping away like the sonic sounds in the beginning of this song takes you to another dimension.
Close your eyes for a second and listen.
This song was that.
Long nights staying up late, falling deeply in love
That was me in the fall of 2012. Madly smitten. Gone in love.
Yup, fried.
I loved her so much and this song let me know it.
In such a weird way – looking for her, turning on the lights in my life – let her in and I found her.
And that year it was magical – yes, this was my love song.

2009
Jesse Jagz – Sugar Cane Baby
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pa827A4Iqy0&ab_channel=Fufuboy1

This was the first song I ever dedicated to a woman I loved.
It was also the first time I realized that I could spit poetry over sounds. If you have ever gotten the privilege of listening to a #WhatTheHeckMan AfterDark drop – this song birthed that.
I could tell you about how we blasted this song driving from San Diego to Sacramento or how I had it playing with candles lit in her shared apartment.
The song gave color to words that I felt but never how to deliver.
Have you ever had a song dedicated to you or one you dedicated to someone?
I hope your life is like a song that you have mastered it’s adlibs and beat changes. Make the most delightful soundtracks.

2014
Adrian Marcel – 2AM. ft. Sage The Gemini
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ae_Ev_lwpUg&ab_channel=AdrianMarcelVEVO

I had just moved to the East Bay after graduating and with my heart in shambles, this song kept me going.
One night I was coming from a party but I was meant to be heading to my parents house in Sacramento.
I took the wrong turn and ended up in a one way tunnel.
I sped all the way to the end hoping no car was coming head-on. That was the day I discovered Alameda, where I would ultimately live for the next few years.
That night though, I pulled over and cried for about 30minutes before driving another two hours to my parents house.
Many things happen late but at the right time.
That night, I was just grateful that I could still see the stars.

2020
Moses Bliss – Too Faithful
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mYbTTyqCLUk&ab_channel=MosesBliss

The pandemic hit us like a whirlwind. I don’t think many of us had experienced anything quite like it.
I saw 2008/2009 through the eyes of my parents – I was too young and too distracted but seeing the way layoffs swarmed in early 2020 was scary.
I remember I had just stumbled on this song.
I was panicking. I had only started my job the previous August and I wasn’t sure they would keep me.
It was my first real senior position in tech and I loved my team.
I did not want to be one of the ones let go.
I remember playing this song all night for a week straight as I waited for the hammer to drop.
It eventually dropped and put me out of my misery.
I was angry at God – I mean the lyrics said he was too faithful to fail me.
Did he fail me?
Nope.
I was on the shelf for a little over 90days – but I came back better.
Landed a job I loved and was a stepping stone to greatness.
The song made me look back, God’s faithfulness is sure but it doesn’t always look like what you expect it to.

Till we read again, stay up!

Please comment, retweet, and share. Thank you for your continued support.
You are highly appreciated.

WordsOfWednesday

© 2023 #WhatTheHeckMan

There are only very few things more electric that your team scoring a last minute winner against a local rival.
Or you opening up a tub of ice cream in an African home and it actually has ice cream in it. Only thing that tops that one really is being out all day coming home late and someone thought it fit to make you meal and have it waiting.
But first back to the football bit – it’s like seeing Arsenal top of the table for most of the season but knowing they won’t still make it.
Total football – is based on the key principle that no outfield player should have a fixed position. 
Everyone can slot into any spot while the game is on.
It’s one of the best reasons I love sports and teamwork. Someone has eyes behind your head.

There is a dance people sometimes notice when they watch basketball, the open 3 in the corner is by design.
So the shock on the faces of the players is real when the ball swings around and arrives where the player should be and is not there.
The predictability in knowing your person is there builds trust.

Your manager loves when they don’t have to worry about you – Jade’s got it.
Now does that mean they won’t be annoying and make you do other people’s work? Nope. But at least you know they know, that you know what you’re doing.

When you start driving, one of the first things they teach you is that you have to check your blindspots before you switch lanes.
Sometimes there are cars tucked in there, cyclists, pedestrians.
The rise of the “driver-assist” in cars, that beeping sound you hear in some cars as you switch lanes – yeah, that’s to combat the issues around blindspots.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the concept of a blindspot lately.
I’m noticing more and more that as I get older, I need friends and love that feel like a driver assist.
Along with feeling seen, there is a reliability that the blindspot provides that makes you truly grateful having someone in your life.
I am noticing more and more that I want be with someone that covers my blindspots.
The first daughters get it, the sons carrying their whole families get it.
You are always thinking about someone else – working out all the permutations like Dr. Strange.
“If Sola goes to work all day and has been having a busy week, they probably won’t remember to eat – so let me make them a meal” or “with all the travel prep, Jessica won’t find time to pick up her altered dress, let me stop by and grab it”.

I’ve been to so many weddings – I could have stopped that statement there and some of you will have said “Sanmi go and marry” LOL – sharapppppp!
but back to it, I’ve been to enough weddings where the men while giving their speeches, talk about how amazing their wives are.
“You make me better” blah blah blah
Years into the marriage you hear him say “I love the way you take care of everyone, me, the kids, your family”
Many men are thankful for the women in their lives because she becomes the second set of eyes.
She sees his blindspots.
Often times, it’s rooted in misogyny because they simply want a woman to do everything for them and they not have to do anything but I don’t see myself that way.
I look forward to this dream life that people often talk about with how having a wife up levels you as a man. A part of me believes I’ll get that mostly in the intangibles because I love doing the things most men marry women to do for them – cook, clean, organize, plan e.t.c

Everyone wants someone who covers their blindspots. Someone that allows you to not need to be ON, all the time.
Women love it in a man and it probably makes him more attractive to her.
Men love it in a woman most times because it allows them to continue living in Lala land.
Everyone wants it for some reason.
If all your life, you have been responsible for others and yourself, I don’t blame you for wanting to be with someone that allows you to – be.
Are you the second set of eyes for your loved ones, your friends, your family?
Do you have people that help see the things you don’t always see? People that allow you to not always be on guard?

I pray we all find that in our lives and it grounds you.
I pray you find someone that allows you to see more areas of you — with clear vision and no blindspots.

Till we read again, stay up!

Please comment, retweet, and share. Thank you for your continued support.
You are highly appreciated.

WordsOfWednesday

© 2023 #WhatTheHeckMan

I am really talented sha.
For many reasons but right now I am about to tell you from a place of not even desperation but clarity.
In the next few minutes, I am going to tell you about my entire week and my current mood – in the most creative way you’ve seen this week.
But before we get into it,

How are you?
I really mean that question. As you read this post, please consider answering the question in the comments section. As much as I wish they were on this blog, I also welcome your comments through Twitter, Instagram and my phone if you have my number. Shout out you Lade! 👀

The lines
Pre-checked
Wait, what did T.,S and Ay say?
30,000 feet
Like cloud tears from mile highI realize how much of the world stresses me out
Once I step out the pod
It’s gone
I can spend days searching for it
Happiness
Or maybe tears
It feels unfair
Time after time
But eventually it aligns
Leaning on the window side
Outside feels bright
And damn me for dreaming about you
For more than one hundred and twenty hours

——

I’m staring at myself in the mirror – my insides are raging.
I am on the cusp.
The exact line between laugh and cry.
I looked down, took a couple of deep breaths and sat down.
I am not sure how long I had been in there for and frankly, I didn’t care.
I was annoyed.
I looked down and my sweaty hands and took a couple more breaths and then went to work.
You simply cannot just breakdown crying miles in the sky or can you?
I wouldn’t ultimately fix the zipper of my bag in the bathroom of my 10hr flight.
Returning to my seat, I was quickly reminded of one of my frustrations this week.

As I took my seat, I began thinking of how much I dislike ⚪️ women.
Outside of the entitlement they move through the world with – they simply don’t care about anyone else but themselves.
The lady next to me was a complete nuisance and made the beginning of this flight unpleasant. The guy next to me is cool, I like him.
Same shade as her but we bonded quickly on the Premier League – he went to watch a Chelsea vs. Arsenal game.
He’s asleep now.

---

My songs of the week are –
Emmanuel – Gabriel Eziashi x Henrisoul
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gTMyrT8_R30

EBENEZERI KENT X APEX CHOIR FEATURING EMMAOMG
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j_Neq2nBJ8Q

Taiwoamen – Anulonsoro
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Md-tQsOsEG4

Ladipoe – Guy Man ft. Bella Shmurda
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nZTnacyP5Uk

Teni – No Days Off
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n0E1vkVDG3g
———————

Sorry I dozed off too.
It’s the greens. IYKYK.
I’ve been taking those greens more recently. I am not sure if it’s a good thing or not.
It’s tied to someone and a crazy December but I am not sure how to process it now.
Anyway, taking these greens make it easier for some people to relax on things like transatlantic weekend flights.
Call it 30+ but na true.
Speaking of 30+, I kinda don’t like those jokes.
I am not sure it’s even because I am 30+ sef.
This week, I have two thumb injuries, ready to pop hamstrings, a pulled pelvic muscle and possibly a broken right big toe.
As someone who has previously suffered from a long term injury.
Every new pain I feel in my body could be related to that trauma or something random. Living in that fear is hard.
Add the reality of the 30+ness and you are in scary territory.
It can genuinely mess with you.
So yeah, hearing those jokes when you are truly worrying whether the pain in your head is just a headache or life shattering aneurysm is no fun.

Music is fun.
That brings me to my iPod.
I haven’t been able to find it since Tuesday.
I have searched every possible place it could be and no luck. Losing this iPod which was a gift from my person, hurts.
I’ll get another one but will it be the same?
I also realized how hard I can be on myself. I have VERY high standards for myself but damn son!
Ahn ahi! Are you the first???

Sometimes letting myself down feels hard because I expect more of myself.
I usually wake up feeling flat. And this week, I woke up to a flat.
My second in a week.
You can imagine not finding my iPod one day and the next day, I am waking up to a flat.
I was livid.
Other things have happened this week but damn – I had been holding it to gather.
So when my zipper on my bag broke, I was livid.
The reason it broke?
A Karen.
I went to the bathroom and I was sure I was going to cry.

You know what that Karen didn’t recognize and would never know, that I feel anxious on some flights sometimes as a Black Man with full beard. Yeah, you can understand why.
But she just knocked my bag over and continued her day while I was sat in the bathroom close to tears.

What type of parent do you think you’ll be? The chill parent or the disciplinarian-ish one?
There is a family flying in the row next to ours – dad, mom, toddler daughter and baby son.
As the flight stabilizes, the mother wants the daughter to use the bathroom before continuing the show she’s watching on her standing iPad.
She shakes her head no.
Her mom signals to her Dad to make her behave – she says no loudly and smacks away daddy’s hand.
Immediately he points the mom on the far side of the row as if to say, your mom will get you.
The mom will eventually win and daddy would take her to the bathroom.
But the whole exchange got me thinking – what type of parent will you be – The chill parent or the disciplinarian-ish one?
Be honest and tell me in the comments.

Lastly, I wanted to ask – why are women not usually named Junior or after their dads?
At the barbershop this morning, it was the topic of discussion, so I figured I would ask you all.
Let me know your thoughts and answers to these other questions.

How are you?
What type of parent do you think you’ll be? The chill parent or the disciplinarian-ish one?

I am heading off on some coast to coast errands, I’ll come to you live from new postage stamps like a passport book. Till we read again. Stay up!

Please comment, retweet, and share. Thank you for your continued support.
You are highly appreciated.

WordsOfWednesday

© 2023 #WhatTheHeckMan

I went into this week thinking about what I wanted to share with you all, I kept wanting to write about so many different themes in my head but the one that kept jumping out to me was gratitude.
As a mini sidebar, I love when I hear an artist or creative talk about the energy or motivation behind their art or a piece of art.
I fell in love with this song recently, so much that the first night I heard it, I let it play on repeat all through the night. The overwhelming feelings in my heart lately has been – gratitude.

Yesterday, I felt really pressured with everything going on in my life.
I could feel myself drifting into a really crappy mood. The best way to describe it is that I had too many tabs open in my head. After therapy, I felt much better on certain things, like I had a better grasp on things and where I wanted to proceed.

It got me thinking though – why do we default to worrying so much?
I am not sure if everyone reading this is a person of faith but as someone who is, I find it fascinating that we serve a God that woks countless wonders – understands the timeline of every leaf on a tree. Knows the depths of the oceans, makes the clouds chorus in his glory – but we still worry.
My therapist helped me refocus on what I could control and indirectly reminded me that I am not that powerful.
I serve a God who is powerful, mighty, a really good God. Some would even call him a Miracle Papa.

With refocusing my lens on what was directly in front of me, I Was able to move into a place of gratitude.
I began to simply thank God for what he has done for me. From thanking God about my family, I moved to friends- some that I met through work, then you start thanking God for work and the things that affords you the ability to do.

Can thoughtfulness be taught?

I saw the tweet below last week and it got me thinking about thoughtfulness and whether or not it can be taught.
Personally, I think there is a lot we can teach others – friends, lovers and all but I truly believe that thoughtfulness is a truly innate gift.
It has to be in or within you.
I find that the beauty of it is the ability to not be able to help yourself. You find yourself thinking of creatives ways to show love and make the lives of those around you.
I love having a thoughtful nature and having friends in your life that can make you feel alive and well is a beautiful thing.
I remember talking to someone who said they wouldn’t think of their man first but their girlfriend first, while beautiful (women’s relationships), I can only imagine a type of love that thinks of you almost before you.
I think we were talking about buying her girlfriend’s favorite chocolate but would not immediately think of buying something they know their man would love.
It makes me think that we can actually channel our love and expression of it but I don’t think you can teach being thoughtful for someone.

I see thoughtfulness like someone selflessly assuming the role of trying to make your life easier.
For me it’s directly connected to acts of service – and being able to anticipate the needs of people you love.
Don’t get me wrong, I think you can teach and cultivate expressions of love and care but thoughtfulness for me exceeds that.
Do you think that thoughtfulness can be taught?



Affirmation of the Day: No one can make me feel inferior.
Question of the Day: Do I feel comfortable expressing myself? How do I feel about getting quiet, listenings deeply and patiently to my inner wisdom?

• Not them going all deep on today’s affirmation. But yes, for the most part, I feel like I can express myself – especially in environments/spaces/relationships where I feel safe, valued and respected.
• I also find that I spend a lot of time sitting quietly with my thoughts and exploring before executing.

Praise Gym
Apple Music: https://music.apple.com/us/playlist/praise-gym/pl.u-4JomX7BtMMmXYg
Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0nHrVRq8lhsY9imXjYL6Ns?si=18b0171f0d2046e2

Tẹriba
Apple Music: https://music.apple.com/us/playlist/t%E1%BA%B9riba/pl.u-55D6XW5FYYVXoq
Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/51Gcda828lTthxNqcTWyd4?si=4ccabfc5911e4afa

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WordsOfWednesday

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