The Uncomfortable Work of Knowing Yourself

The simply complex thing about self-reflection is that it can be calm and quiet, but it can also be invasive and sometimes difficult. You don’t get to decide which version you get. Many times, it decides for you.

Amongst all the things that go into being a fully functioning adult is knowing yourself. And knowing yourself can mean many things. Oftentimes, it takes a life event or a punctuated incident to make you pause, reassess, and then decide who you are. Who you really are.

For many people, you can coast through much of life with the same knowledge of the last-reviewed version of yourself.

What do I mean by that?

You can end up in a situation where you believe you know who you are, but you’re functioning off an outdated version. A version from years prior that you’ve simply carried forward, even as the parts of your life around you change and evolve.

Why do I say this?

Because I was in that scenario.

I felt like I knew who I was based on the context of who I needed to be at a particular time in my life. Maybe it came from the world I was in, the challenges I was facing, or the season I was navigating.

But this year, and honestly probably the last two years, have started to invite me into a conversation about the new me.

And it’s not pretty.

It’s not pretty because I am challenging the notions of who I said I was to myself. There are parts of me that I believed were a particular way, and upon review, I’m realizing maybe I’m not so sure. Maybe I’m not so certain that certain areas of my life are as locked in as I once thought.

In this particular discussion, I’m talking about everything from my discipline to narcissism, anxiety, trauma, and things of that nature.

It’s interesting because this post is actually coming to you a little bit after my mid-year review. And the mid-year review is interesting because it forced me to have some conversations around certain areas of my life.

Some of them were pillars I never thought would be questioned.

For example, I—and most people around me—would say I’m a very disciplined person. Sometimes they’ll say that because of the amount of discipline I’ve applied to my work or my fitness. I show up every day.

But I can see behind the scenes. I can see the things you guys don’t see.

And this is an honest place for us to share various things, so I’ll share this with you.

I love a sweet treat after dinner.

I love it.

Since I moved to Texas, my biggest one has been my cookie-stuffed cookies from the farmer’s market. They usually come with a scoop or two of ice cream, and they are so delicious. They feel good. They taste good.

And in those 15 or 20 minutes, nothing matters.

But I also know that I’ve just consumed arguably 300% of the amount of sugar I’m supposed to consume in one day in one sitting.

Now, I don’t have it every day. In fact, I’ve had to replace it with other things. But if someone asked me what I would finish dinner with, the options would probably be:

Number one: a warm cookie with ice cream on top.

Number two: a Magnum white chocolate ice cream bar.

Number three: gari, sugar, and milk with groundnuts.

Number four: a bowl of cereal.

I usually just want something sweet and milky to finish the evening.

It doesn’t happen every day. It doesn’t need to happen every day. And I’m okay with the fact that those are the choices I’ve made.

But I also know I’d probably be much closer to my fitness and body goals if I didn’t assume that those choices had no impact.

Another reason I know I’m not at my fitness goals is stress.

I know I’m stressed.

There’s a stress that comes from work, from being overworked. There’s stress that comes from things in my personal life. There’s stress that comes from family. There’s stress that comes from interpersonal relationships.

I have less of some of those now, probably because I’ve gotten better at isolating myself and removing myself from scenarios or situations that I believe bring me unhappiness or discomfort.

One of the beautiful things about maturity is being able to see a problem from a distance and make a conscious decision not to allow it to influence you, affect you, or lay claim to your happiness.

So, with that being said, my discipline in those first two areas, in terms of consistency, is accurate.

But I also know I don’t have the consistency I want with praying or reading my Bible, or in some of the other areas that matter to me, including taking care of my mental health.

There have been conversations I’ve had over the last few months and weeks around positioning myself for a better future.

I’ve made many mistakes in my young life, thankfully none too critical. I’ve hurt people that I love. I’ve hurt myself by attempting—or believing—that I was protecting people that I love.

I’ve hurt people by not being as transparent or honest about things going on. I’ve used white lies, no lies, silence, or some combination of all of the above.

I know the impact I’ve had in the spaces I occupy.

Now, the chapter I’m in is intensely focused on not repeating some of those mistakes.

I’m careful about not reintegrating into things that have either broken me or caused friction in my life previously.

And it’s hard.

Oh, it is hard.

Which brings me back to the conversation I started around re-evaluating yourself.

There was a time when I was serially dating.

I was talking to multiple women at the same time, trying to figure out in my mind who I thought was the right person for me. I would do pros and cons. I would evaluate how I felt with this person. I would evaluate the possibility of a future with this person or that person.

It got to a point in my life where I realized none of that works.

There was also a season in my life where I was the king of long-distance relationships.

People don’t realize this whenever I say it, but since around 2014, I have almost exclusively been in long-distance relationships.

Not always by choice.

But then I realized it was by choice to a certain degree.

I was so protective of my personal space that I wanted a way to be in a relationship where there was always some distance. Three or four days here, a week here at most, and at the end of the day, you go to your house and I go to mine.

That doesn’t serve me anymore.

That version of a relationship doesn’t serve me anymore.

And it brings me angst every day.

I wake up wanting to do things. I want to explore the world with my person in tow.

That’s not to say I’m not happy with my current life setup.

I am.

But you can be happy and still crave or want more than what you currently have.

Not in a completely invasive way.

Going back to the serial dating thing, I feel like I can share this from a place of growth and honesty, but also from a place of transparency.

Some of that was rooted in narcissism.

I knew who I was. I knew what I held. I knew who I was as a man in today’s society. I knew the values that I brought. I knew the value I brought into the life of someone I was dating or interested in.

But at some point, I still needed external validation.

For a long time, words of affirmation was my number one love language.

And the reason it was is because I needed to be told that I was valued and important.

That was primarily because I grew up in a household where that proclamation of greatness or value wasn’t something that was outwardly spoken about.

You weren’t told that you were great.

You weren’t told that you were smart.

You weren’t told that you were talented.

I don’t remember hearing those things from my parents or from those around me.

I don’t ever remember a teacher looking at me and going, “Wow.”

The first time I ever felt valued—and anybody who went to secondary school with me and was in my class that’s reading this would remember this incident—was when I left my small school in Mayflower, Ikenne, and transferred to Redeemer’s High School.

I was in Yoruba class.

I had grown up with my grandparents, so I had learned Yoruba and was pretty good at it. I ended up being one of the top students in Yoruba.

I remember the first day we had Yoruba lesson. Our teacher asked us some questions in Yoruba, and we had an exercise. I was answering everything so easily, and she was so impressed.

The whole class was like, “Oh, wow. This new kid is a Yoruba guru.”

People started coming to me for help with Yoruba lessons and things of that nature.

And honestly, it felt fantastic.

It felt so nice to be valued for just being.

The challenge that also came with that was realizing that if your validation comes from external influences or external pillars, you will always go back to seek it.

The conversation around love and importance for a lot of men, especially a lot of Nigerian or Black men, is that you connect your value to what you bring to the people around you. What you bring to your family. What you bring to your friends. How you help them. How they feel like you’re showing up for them.

Most of who you are becomes connected simply to that.

But at the same time, you are more than that.

So, if you haven’t done the exercise of learning yourself internally, you seek that validation elsewhere.

And if you happen to be half-decently attractive or have a little bit of money, a little bit of swag, a little class, or whatever the case may be, it can come from women. It can come from external sources.

For a long time, the validation wasn’t necessarily from women.

I wanted it from my job.

I wanted my manager to tell me I did a good job.

If I got critical feedback, it would bother me because, in my mind, who were they to think I was less than because of the work I was doing?

I had to be excellent.

I had to be this or that to feel that value.

And you carry that into some of the other pockets of your life—your relationships, your friendships, your romantic relationships.

You’re looking for that thing.

It’s the reason why you have some people who go into certain relationships, or you watch Pop the Balloon, for example, and someone says, “I didn’t feel the spark immediately. It just wasn’t there.”

And you ask yourself: What is that spark?

What does that mean?

For some people, it’s the thing that allows that pocket within them that needs to be filled to feel filled.

If it isn’t filled in that moment, they feel like something is missing.

So you find yourself trying to satisfy that forever.

And it becomes an incredible drug.

You are constantly looking for something outside of yourself to make you feel valued.

And that’s where the therapy comes in.

That’s where the conversation around learning yourself and loving yourself comes in.

I remember when I started working with my therapist a couple of years ago.

Oh my God, it was humbling.

There was an exercise she had us do one time where she said, “I want you to wake up every day and say something nice that you like about yourself.”

Every single day.

Oh God, I hated that exercise.

I absolutely hated it.

I would say things like, “I love my nose. I love my head.”

It felt so juvenile.

It just didn’t feel natural. It didn’t feel exciting either because I was never raised like that.

I was never raised to appreciate those things about myself.

If anything, I wasn’t raised to appreciate them for myself, within myself. I wanted them to be appreciated by the person I liked, the person who liked me, or the people around me.

Sometimes today, when somebody hits on me and I’m not moved by it, a lot of times it’s because I feel like I’ve gotten to the point where I actually do know who I am a little bit more.

But I still ask myself: To what end?

What is the reason for this feeling?

What is the reason for soliciting this thing?

And sometimes you don’t even have to ask for it.

Sometimes it’s just given to you.

There was a time in my life when everybody knew that I loved smelling good.

I would put on a nice outfit, put on a nice cologne combination, go outside, and then come back in thinking, “Wow, I went outside and nobody said I smelled good.”

Nobody said this or that.

And it was like, why do you need that?

Why isn’t it enough that you feel that for yourself and already appreciate that within yourself?

That has taken some work.

It has taken some self-reflection.

It has taken some self-understanding.

But I know what it means now.

I know what it means when my body is asking for certain things.

I know what it means when I’m distancing myself because I’m seeking something.

That’s where that comes from.

I’m also able to recognize that I’m in a season of my life where I need less to be more.

Maybe I can hear myself getting ready for long-term commitment in terms of marriage or something like that.

I just want to be able to cook dinner with the woman I love and watch a movie. Listen to our playlist. See the world.

The next 40 countries I want to see, I definitely don’t want to see them alone.

I’d love to do that with the person I’m building that forever future with.

But at the same time, I need to understand that it starts inside, with me being content.

Shout out to one of my best friends who, a few years ago, told me I needed to be comfortable being alone.

And for a few months, I was strictly in that space.

Matter of fact, I was so intentional about it.

I didn’t want anything serious. I didn’t want to be with anyone.

I just wanted the opportunity to fall deeper in love with me.

To understand what I like.

To understand who I am outside of the noise. Outside of my career. Outside of this blog. Outside of editing videos for you guys online. Outside of all those things.

The wordsmith.

Someone who can sing.

Someone who can cook.

Yeah, those are all great.

Those are all things you guys see.

But when the lights are dim and you’re alone, who are you?

What brings you joy?

What fills you up?

What does all of that for you?

That’s a question I’ve had to ask over the last two and a half, going on three years.

The answers aren’t always pretty.

There was a time in my life when my stress levels were so high that I was self-medicating.

I’m not going to go into the specifics, but I think all of you here are smart enough to read between the lines.

Almost every night, I would indulge in something that made me calmer, made me less anxious, and made it a little easier to engage with the world because I wasn’t facing my sorrows.

I wasn’t facing the challenges I had.

I wasn’t facing where I was lacking.

And that brings me to something else: the super intense value that needs to come from who you are partnering with.

I think I grew up in a household where I didn’t have a voice to speak up.

It wasn’t just the household. I think it was also much of our culture, where you were meant to just be a good kid.

Good kid.

Do well in school.

Do all the things you need to do.

Don’t rock the boat.

Don’t be disrespectful.

In many cases, expressing your feelings, displeasure, or discontent about certain things was seen as disrespect.

So you end up largely quiet, largely silent, largely accepting of everything that’s happening.

Because who are you to speak against your family?

I have been through certain things in my life—in romantic relationships, personal friendships, and things of that nature—that I have never spoken about to anyone.

Because in my mind, I believed that transferring or opening that box would make the person I love, or the person who loves me, sad.

So it was my responsibility to hold all of that within.

And I know some of this is deeply connected to being a firstborn child.

It was my responsibility to hold it all.

Do not put that on the people you love and care about.

And you can do that for a while.

But then what ends up happening is that silence and resentment go together.

I want you to understand this today:

Silence is the healthy soil that resentment grows in.

I’ll say that again in case you missed it.

Silence is the healthy soil that resentment grows and thrives in.

It will germinate. It will grow. It will thrive in that space of silence where you don’t speak and don’t talk about what your needs are, what the gaps are, or what the opportunities are, for whatever reason.

Some people don’t speak on anything because they want to weaponize it and use it against people they love or people who love them.

I don’t believe that was the cornerstone for me.

Mine was more so this:

Have you ever been in a scenario where somebody hurts your feelings by doing something that hits an area that’s important to you?

Dependability is a big one for me.

Let’s say I ask you to help me with something.

You say, “Sure, I’ll help you.”

Cool.

I say, “Hey, at eight o’clock, can you please do X?”

You say, “Yes, I will do X at eight o’clock.”

Eight o’clock comes.

You don’t do it.

And then, in many cases, you have a story as to why you didn’t do it.

Now, most people know what I’m about to say.

Imagine the person then asks you:

“Hey, are you upset?”

No shit, Sherlock.

Of course I’m upset.

But what’s the missing part of all of that?

The missing part is when the person then asks you to explain what it is that made you upset.

I don’t know if anybody else feels the same way, but I hate that.

I absolutely hate it.

Because I’m thinking, you already knew that this upset me.

Rehashing it is even more upsetting because you could have just avoided it.

It could have been avoided.

You know it could have been avoided.

And now you’re making me relive that experience.

I don’t enjoy that.

So for me, a lot of times, what that ends up looking like is silence.

And remember what I said earlier about silence and resentment?

Hand in hand.

I’m like, “No, it’s okay. Whatever. Just let it go. Calm. It’s fine.”

But it’s not fine.

Because then the next thing happens.

And the next thing after that happens.

And the next thing after that happens.

And all of a sudden, you can’t stand the presence of this person.

You don’t want to speak with this person.

You don’t want to spend time with this person.

All of those things start to grow.

And you start to find yourself.

For me, a lot of times, what that ends up looking like is silence.

And remember what I said earlier about silence and resentment? They go hand in hand.

So I’m like, “Nah, it’s okay. Whatever. Just let it go.”

Calm. It’s fine.

But it’s not fine.

Because then the next thing happens, and the next thing after that, and the next thing after that. And all of a sudden, you can’t stand the presence of this person. You don’t want to speak with them. You don’t want to spend time with them.

And all of those things start to grow.

You start to find yourself more and more displeased, more and more unhappy in that scenario.

So one thing I’ve learned about myself today is that I have to speak up.

Now, there is also a fine balance. I don’t ever want to sound like a nag. I don’t want to feel like I have to repeat the same thing over and over again.

So, for me, a lot of times it’s simply:

“Hey, this upset me.”

Or:

“This didn’t make me happy.”

I also feel like I require the people in my life, my friendships, and the people who occupy space in my life to understand that this is the level of commitment I’m comfortable with when it comes to my feelings.

I’m happy to tell you that whatever you did hurt my feelings and this is how I feel.

But I don’t necessarily want to do more than that.

I don’t want to have to talk about it three, four, or five times because you don’t seem to understand that something is truly hurtful, or that something doesn’t make me feel loved or seen.

So before, I would be quiet.

Now, I will speak on it.

But I also speak on it strategically.

“Hey, this is how I feel about this thing. I want you to know.”

And then I leave them with the responsibility to do with that information what they will.

That’s part of the work.

That’s part of the growth.

That’s part of the journey we’re talking about.

Now, I don’t think I’ve slept well in many months. Most nights, I wake up multiple times a night.

There’s a lot on my mind.

My future is on my mind. My immediate future is on my mind.

For many months, I was worried about everything from buying my house, my car, saving enough money, being ready for emergencies, retirement, family—all of it.

And ladies and gentlemen, somebody’s tired.

I have probably cried more than I ever have in my life over the last two years.

I have so much within my heart that I’m asking God for.

I have so much that I’m praying for.

And many times, it feels like waiting is just so hard.

Waiting feels so challenging because you pray these prayers and you don’t know if they’re going to translate into what you’re necessarily seeking from God.

I’m not confused about whether God is listening. I know God is listening.

I just don’t know if that translates into the thing I’m asking for.

I’m asking, “Hey, I’m asking for this thing. Will I or shall I be getting this thing?”

I don’t know.

And sometimes I ask myself whether happiness is going to come from this particular pocket of my life.

Whether it’s clarity around my transition here, clarity around my house, the big life events, clarity around my life partner, or my overall future.

Future safety and coverage for my parents. Happiness for my siblings and my friends.

You carry all of these burdens and all of these feelings in your heart.

And it is exhausting.

It is exhausting.

I wish there was a world where everything was so simple.

And I know people will say faith is one way to sort through a lot of these feelings.

And it helps.

I can tell you for a fact that, outside of any other human being, the conversations I have with God are probably the ones that give me the most calm.

Sometimes it’s praying about it.

Sometimes it’s crying about it.

Sometimes it’s simply being able to process all of it.

And I know for a fact that the place where I’ve felt the most comfort overall has been with God.

And I know that’s part of why I started this piece with a conversation around faith.

I know that I need to lean more into that because it’s not going to be on my own understanding.

Oh boy, have I tried.

Boy, have I tried to balance everything in my own head.

How many times have I said, “Oh, I’m going to do this. I’m going to do that thing.”

And then it would lead to this.

And it hasn’t.

“I’m going to make this choice and that choice, and then it’s going to translate to this.”

And it has not worked out.

But one thing I’ve learned overall is that God has always worked it out.

Now, I can honestly tell you that there is a lot of my life that I understand today.

And there is a lot that I’m still seeking answers for.

Sometimes it is wanting to build the future.

Sometimes it’s wanting to correct mistakes of the past.

I know what I believe my future looks like.

And I know that it requires work.

I think that’s another thing I wanted to leave you all with today.

People say that the good things in life are free.

But the part they don’t tell you is that while they may be free, they’re hard to come by and even harder to maintain.

They require work.

Your joy might come freely, but you have to work to guard it.

Your salvation is given to you freely because it was paid for, but you have to work to protect it.

Your relationships are the same.

You might stumble upon a friend. Maybe you just happened to sit next to each other in chemistry class 15 years ago.

But it requires work to continue pouring into and maintaining that relationship.

All I’m trying to say is, yes, the good things in life are free.

Yes, they will come to you as blessings.

Yes, in many cases, they will feel easy to come by.

But like I said earlier, they require work to keep.

I mentioned earlier that I am very tired.

I’m very tired of a lot of things outside of my life.

I’m very tired of a lot of things in other areas of my life.

But I am willing to do the work for the future that I want and for the people that I want in my life going forward.

I know it might not be pretty work.

I know it might not be easy work.

I know it’s definitely not the easiest.

But it is the area I want to pour into in this season of my life.

And it’ll be done by the grace of God.

By the grace of God, and with the help of love and the people around me who continue to make me feel seen and heard, it will be done.

So here’s your mid-year review.

In summary, I’m probably the most stressed I’ve ever been while also feeling the most content with what God has done in my life.

There is one big gap in my life.

And I have brought it up directly.

I have started the conversations.

I have challenged myself.

And I am going to continue to challenge myself in that space to get the things that I want.

At the same time, don’t be surprised.

Not because I just spent a lot of money to buy my home.

But don’t be surprised if I start to pull back a little bit more on social media and these platforms.

I’m realizing that I really, really want a quiet life.

A quiet life filled with joy.

A quiet life filled with intention.

A quiet life that is mine.

Not the variation I’ve seen others have.

Not the one I’ve heard others prescribe to me.

Simply the one that I build for myself.

So I’m working on it.

It’s not perfect.

But if you realize that I’m not engaging in certain conversations with you or with someone else, understand that it is because I want this next decade, or even the next half-decade of my life, to truly, truly be centered around joy that passes understanding.

I am passionately trying to get closer to God.

I’m passionately trying to get closer to the man that I want my kids—my sons and my daughters—to be proud of.

So the work continues.

Some of it isn’t perfect.

Some of it may have hurt you in passing, whether through intention, a lack of listening, a lack of understanding, or anything of that nature.

I apologize.

This work in progress is trucking along.

And I also want to thank all of you for being here.

I hope that this piece today—I know it’s long—forces you to sit down and think through your own life.

Think through what makes you happy.

Think through what drives you.

Why do you do what you do?

Why do you feel like you must be the helper of everyone?

Why are you the people pleaser?

What is that rooted in?

What kind of trauma is that rooted in?

What kind of gap is that filling for you?

Ask yourself those questions.

Interrogate yourself to get those answers.

Because that will help you determine and shape who you are and who you’re going to be going forward.

None of this, when it comes to adulting, is easy.

Oh, it is not easy.

But it will be worth it.

So thank you all for reading.

Thank you for being here.

And if I was going to say that if nobody read this, I would be okay.

But I see the numbers.

I know y’all be here.

So shout out to you.

Those of you who don’t comment, I’m looking at you.

I will post this on my blog. I’ll also make a flyer and post this on my story.

So if you’ve read to the end of this and you don’t comment on my blog, please send me a comment on Instagram.

I would love to hear your thoughts.

And please know that this is the type of validation I’m okay with.

This is the type of validation I’m okay taking going forward.

I don’t want the other things that are rooted in vanity—my body, my outlook, my confidence, and things of that nature.

Yes, I’m grateful for them.

But more than anything, I appreciate the visibility that comes from truly being honest with myself.

Honest about the person I am.

Honest about the person I want to be.

And honest about the man I want to become going forward.

So I will leave this here.

Thank you again.

And I’ve said thank you 700 times.

But truly, truly, truly, thank you.

I do hope that you all have a fantastic rest of the weekend.

Whatever time you’re reading this, thank you.

Just go forth and truly be the version of yourself you want to be.

In all happiness and in all joy.

You deserve that.

Until next time, stay up.

It’s been such a chaotic week in terms of everything I’ve had to work through and sort out. Actually, chaotic is probably not the best word to describe it. It’s just been busy.

It’s been full of emotions—different emotions, for different reasons. But as I continue navigating this whole adulting thing, I’m realizing that there are seasons of life that simply require more from you than others. More energy. More intentionality. More thrust.

I actually just got back from the gym before I started writing this, and my lower back doesn’t hurt as much right now.

Caveat: right now.

I spent some time stretching before I left the gym, which I’m also realizing is probably just as important as the workout itself. I’m glad I pushed through it and was able to get back into the rhythm of my day.

Recently, someone asked me what intimacy means to me.

At the time, I answered pretty quickly. But afterward, I found myself sitting with the question a little longer.

For me, intimacy—both physical and non-physical—is deeply connected to trust. It’s rooted in the ability to be your most authentic self without fear of shame, disappointment, embarrassment, or rejection.

Ultimately, what we all begin to crave is connection.

Connection that’s rooted in safety and intentionality.

The problem is, it doesn’t always come easily. It doesn’t always come quickly. And sometimes, it doesn’t come at all.

Even in the places where you desire the deepest connection, it’s simply absent.

Lately, I’ve realized that whenever my heart aches, it’s usually because I feel like I’m standing on an island, surrounded by people who can see me, but with no one actually standing on the island with me.

Some of that, I’m mature enough to admit, is by design.

There was a time when my life was incredibly busy—not necessarily because I was people-pleasing, but because I was constantly surrounded by people. Casual dating. Exploring different interests. Growing my circle of friends. Building relationships everywhere I went.

But the deeper I’ve gotten to know myself, the more I’ve realized that eventually, all of that can become incredibly lonely.

I still imagine what a future wedding might look like. I think about a milestone birthday filled with people I’ve loved through every chapter of life—friends from old jobs, different cities, church communities, and every pocket of my journey.

But I’ve also come to realize that it’s possible to be surrounded by people and still feel like you’re standing alone.

Sometimes, all you really want is to be standing with someone.

I say someone intentionally because there are moments in life when community is exactly what you need. Friends matter. Family matters. But I also believe there are seasons where the beginning and the end of what your heart longs for is being deeply connected to the person who’s meant to walk through life with you.

One of the things that disappoints me most about growing up is this constant feeling that I have to do everything by myself.

Not because the people in my life have failed me.

Not because they’ve done anything wrong.

I just think there are parts of adulthood that are inherently lonely.

I worry. I work hard. Sometimes harder than I probably need to. Not because I enjoy it, but because I’m constantly thinking about what happens if I don’t.

What happens if I take my eyes off the ball?

What happens if I stop carrying everything?

I worry about ending up as one of those people standing alone on their own island.

I love my family.

I love my friends.

They each have their own places where they show up for me, and I’m grateful for that.

But I genuinely think one of the most painful feelings you can experience as an adult is loneliness.

And I know there will be people who read this and make it about themselves. Others will read it and simply feel sorry for me.

But after sitting with this for a while, I think what hurts the most isn’t either of those things.

It’s realizing that you can attract people who admire your grit, your ambition, and your determination, yet still not find the companionship you’re actually longing for.

That’s the painful part.

Looking around and realizing that there are people who genuinely enjoy spending time with you, people who care about you, people who want to be around you—but the most they can offer in that season is community.

And sometimes, community isn’t the same thing as companionship.

Sometimes they simply don’t have the capacity to give you what you need.

Safety.

Depth.

A place where you can lay everything down.

One of the things I’ve always struggled with is talking about my problems.

Not because I don’t want to.

But because I’m such an action-oriented person that I don’t enjoy talking about a problem just for the sake of talking about it.

If you’ve ever had one of those conversations with me, it usually goes something like this:

You ask me how I’m doing.

I tell you I’m stressed.

I start rambling through everything that’s on my mind.

Then somewhere in the middle of talking, I either solve the problem, stumble onto the solution, or come to the realization that it’s simply not something I can solve right now.

Oddly enough, I’m okay with all three outcomes.

Because I’ve learned that growth isn’t always about fixing everything immediately.

I’m not a magician.

I’m good at a lot of things, but I’ve also learned that I have to become comfortable with the reality that I can’t fix everything at every moment.

That doesn’t make me weak.

It just makes me human.

But that realization doesn’t erase the loneliness.

Wouldn’t it be nice to go through something difficult and feel like the people around you had the capacity, the wisdom, or even the willingness to help carry some of it with you?

One of the things I struggle with most as I get older is sharing something that’s weighing on me, only to hear, “Man… that really sucks.”

And don’t get me wrong.

Sometimes, that’s exactly what I need.

Sometimes the validation alone is enough.

Sometimes I don’t need advice.

Sometimes I don’t need solutions.

Sometimes I just need someone to acknowledge that what I’m carrying is heavy.

But there are other days when hearing, “That really sucks,” feels painfully insufficient.

Not because the person doesn’t care.

But because, in that moment, you wish someone had the ability to meet you where you actually are.

And sometimes… that’s simply not available.

Like I said at the beginning of this piece, that’s heartbreaking.

But we keep going.

We keep striving.

Because giving up has never really been an option.

That much I know.

At the same time, I think it’s okay to admit that carrying so much by yourself can be incredibly heavy.

And maybe admitting that is the first step toward letting someone help carry it one day.

Till next time.

Stay up.

Please leave me a comment, repost and share. Thank you for your continued support.
You are highly appreciated.

#WordsOfWednesday

© 2026 #WhatTheHeckMan

My people! Awww I missed y’all!!!!
Welcome back to another edition of Words of Wednesday. I am your capable host – the one and onlyyyyyy, lol abeg let me chill.

It has been a minute.

Which is actually hilarious to me because I started this year incredibly busy. I was traveling constantly — on a plane every other week, sometimes it felt like every other day — and somehow I was more consistent with writing Words of Wednesday during that season than I was during the three months where I was sitting at home going through one of the biggest life transitions I’ve ever experienced.

For those of you who are new here, welcome. If you are coming from Instagram, this is my blog. This little corner of the internet has been around since 2013. I started writing because I always felt like words were one of the gifts God gave me. It has had seasons where it was quiet, but this year I felt a strong pull to return to it.

And I think that pull has been for a reason.

There are probably a few reasons you are here.

Maybe you found me because of one of my recent viral videos from Instagram. Apparently, people enjoy watching me sit in my car. I still haven’t figured out if it is the outfit changes, the transitions, the car, or just the fact that I somehow always have something to say. Whatever it is, I appreciate you.

Maybe you found me because I started sharing my journey of buying my first home.

And honestly, all glory to God.

But today’s post comes at a very interesting time because this week marks five years at my company.

Five years.

That number means a lot to me.

Not because everything has been perfect. Not because there haven’t been challenges. Not because I believe I have somehow reached some level where life is figured out.

But because I know where I came from.

Between 2018 and 2020, I experienced two layoffs. The uncertainty, the anxiety, the feeling of wondering what was next — those moments stay with you.

So being somewhere for five years, somewhere where I have grown, been challenged, been promoted, and been trusted, is something I don’t take lightly.

It reminds me of God’s faithfulness.

One thing I have learned as I get older is that it becomes very obvious that the things we accomplish are not just because of us. And at the same time, it becomes very easy to start believing that they are.

It is easy to look around and say:

“I worked hard.”
“I made the right decisions. I was disciplined”
“I pushed myself.”

And yes, those things matter.

But there are also doors that opened that you didn’t control.

There are opportunities that appeared that you didn’t create.

There are moments where timing, preparation, favor, and grace all came together.

I believe God is present in those moments.

So if you are reading this and you are experiencing any kind of blessing — whether it is a new job, a new opportunity, growth, healing, or simply a season where things are finally starting to make sense — don’t forget where it came from.

Give yourself credit for the work you have done.

But remember the One who gave you the ability to do it.

Because the truth is, I don’t believe I am where I am because I am special.

I believe I am where I am because God has been faithful.

And that is worth celebrating.

Stay tuned because over the next few weeks, I’ll be sharing more about this season — the home journey, the transition, the lessons, and everything God has been teaching me along the way.

Until next time, stay up.

Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen, to this week’s episode of Words of Wednesday.
Your one and only Wordsmith reporting for duty.

Earlier today, I went on my walk before the evening settled in. I was trying to catch the sunset and I kind of did, but I also kind of missed it from the angle I wanted. Which made me realize that if I want to keep doing these longer walks and still catch the views properly, I need to start earlier. The walks have gotten longer because I’ve been trying to consistently get over 10,000 steps, but now I’m realizing timing matters too.
More daylight. Better views.
Better pictures. Better moments.

And honestly, today’s walk gave me a lot to think about. A lot of curiosity-awakening thoughts. A lot of reflection. So let’s get into it.

First things first. Lloyiso’s album Never Thought I Could is Grammy-worthy. I said what I said.

It feels short enough to be an EP, but I guess that’s just the direction music is moving in these days. Either way, it is such a good body of work. It’s introspective, vulnerable, emotional.
It really explores love from a male perspective in a way that feels honest and layered.

Now, I definitely have thoughts about Loe Shimmy’s love life based on the album, but I’ll keep those to myself for now. Maybe one day I’ll get the opportunity to interview him and ask him directly. Until then, we move.

Still spinning Asake’s new album Money as well. I mentioned it last week and I stand by what I said. A few songs on there are absolutely going to become major records. Right now there’s obviously marketing push behind the album, but the real test is whether the songs continue to grow organically over the next few weeks. So far though, very strong project.

Another album I revisited today was Basketmouth’s Yabasi. What an incredible project. I randomly saw a clip of Oxlade performing one of the songs he featured on and it immediately sent me back to the album during my walk. So good. Truly one of those projects that deserved more love than it got.

Anyways.

When was the last time you truly dreamt?

And I don’t mean dreaming out of desperation. I mean dreaming out of excitement. Out of wonder. Out of possibility.

I’m currently navigating one of the biggest decisions I’ve ever made as an adult and it’s been interesting watching myself process it all in real time. Hopefully by the grace of God, everything works out the way it’s supposed to. I’ve prayed about it, but honestly, I probably need to pray even more.

While I was walking today, I caught a few glimpses of downtown Austin. I’ll probably share some pictures below. And as I stood there taking it all in, I caught myself thinking, “I really want to live downtown one day.” Not just visit. Live there. Wake up and do these walks every morning or every evening with the skyline right there in front of me.

But then another thought hit me. I could probably force that life right now if I really wanted to, but it would compromise other aspects of my quality of life that I currently enjoy. And that made me realize maybe I just don’t have that particular version of life yet. Not because it isn’t possible, but because maybe it’s just not time yet.

And somehow that led me into another thought entirely.

When was the last time I allowed myself to dream bigger?

Because I’ve dreamt before. I dreamt about moving here. I dreamt about career growth. Promotions. Stability. Leadership opportunities. And by God’s grace, so much of that has happened.

But beyond survival and adulthood and career progression, how much have I allowed myself to dream creatively? About poetry. About spoken word. About content creation. About storytelling. About building something bigger than what I originally imagined for myself?

I don’t know if I’ve fully done that.

I think adulthood has a way of making practicality consume you. Your bills. Your job. Your responsibilities. Your routines. Your quality of life becomes tied to consistency and structure, and somewhere in there, you slowly stop engaging with wonder. With magic. With possibility.

And I want that back.

I need to dream louder. Bigger. More intentionally.

Because if I’m being honest, every major thing I wrote down and prayed about over the last few years, God has brought to pass in one way or another. Sometimes even beyond what I imagined.

So maybe the issue now is that I need to start writing again. Dreaming again. Speaking life over things again.

People often tell me that I’m naturally suited for influencing or storytelling or content creation. And maybe they’re right. A lot of it has felt surprisingly natural to me. I’ve never really felt like I had to force a personality online. You guys genuinely get very raw versions of me.

I know how to dress. I know my angles. I know how to capture moments that feel like me. Sometimes I’ll literally just walk outside my apartment, take a few pictures, and post them. I still do a terrible job posting consistently or posting on time, but still, it’s become a real extension of who I am.

And hopefully it grows into more.

More partnerships. More storytelling. More opportunities. Maybe even a full career lane one day. Who knows.

But all of that starts with dreaming.

Maybe you need to do that too.

Maybe somewhere along the line you got so focused on surviving life that you stopped imagining what life could become. So let this be your reminder to dream again. Write things down again. Pray over them again. Believe in them again.

During the walk tonight, I also noticed a few fireflies.

At first I wasn’t even sure I saw them because they appear so briefly. One second they’re there, the next second they disappear. Blink too quickly and you miss them entirely.

And somehow that reminded me of opportunities. Relationships. Timing. Life itself.

Sometimes the biggest moments in your life arrive quietly. Briefly. Almost magically. And if you hesitate too long or second guess yourself too much, you miss them.

It reminded me of something that happened years ago in Arizona. I was on the phone with my best friend Atafi because we were both heading to the Grand Canyon. I got there earlier than him and while walking through the airport I thought I saw 50 Cent.

I called him immediately and he was like, “There’s no way 50 Cent is in Arizona.”

And for a second, I believed him.

Then something told me to check. So I Googled it and sure enough, 50 Cent had a show in Scottsdale the next day.

I was so upset because Get Rich or Die Tryin’ was one of the first albums I ever owned as a kid. Meeting him would have been crazy to me at the time.

And it made me think about how often we blink because someone else cannot see what we see.

Not because they mean harm, but because they’re not experiencing the moment from our perspective. And if you’re not careful, other people’s limitations, doubts, or inability to recognize something can make you miss what was right in front of you.

You blink and a career opportunity passes.
You blink and love passes.
You blink and purpose passes.

So stay present. Trust your instincts sometimes. See things for yourself.

Last but not least, your boy is finally recovering from being sick and thank God for that because the last week and a half has been absolutely miserable.

I’m finally feeling like myself again and I’m really excited about the response to some of the content I’ve been posting lately. Especially the cooking videos.

Ironically, I think I’ve realized I need to completely change how I edit them. The longer form style isn’t holding attention the way I want it to. I think shorter cuts and quicker pacing might work better for the audience I currently have. So we’ll experiment with that.

And maybe a YouTube channel soon too. Who knows.

Anyways, till next time, stay up.

Hi guys!
it’s been a minute.

Okay, maybe not a minute, but it’s been a little bit. I’m currently nursing the most ridiculous cold that crept up on me out of nowhere.

Literally last week, I was bragging about how this is the longest I’ve gone into a new year without getting sick… and then boom…stuffy nose, headache, congestion. Just all-around annoyance.

And honestly, I think it’s a combination of things. Austin has some ridiculous weather.

I remember when I first moved here—now almost two and a half years ago (can you believe that?)—and one thing I’ve learned is: you’ve got to stay ready so you don’t have to get ready.

Because the way Austin is set up, you can wake up freezing, deal with rain by noon, catch sunshine in the afternoon, and then somehow get hail or humidity by night. It makes no sense.

Late last week, we had rain, then it got hot on Saturday and Sunday, and I was outside. I genuinely think my body just wasn’t prepared for the constant switch-up—and now here we are.

Two days out of the gym. If you know me, you know how much I hate my routine being disrupted.

But at the same time, I was just telling a friend recently that I’ve been going so hard with fitness that I might actually need to slow down a bit and let the progress settle in. So maybe this forced pause isn’t the worst thing.

I do plan on getting back in today—arm day. Light work. We’ll see how I feel.

---

This post might feel a little all over the place. Maybe it’s the Theraflu. Maybe it’s the NyQuil. Who knows.

But something really hit me over the past couple of days.

It’s important to pray about the little things.

I’ve written before about asking the Holy Spirit to help me find things…keys, random stuff around the house—and somehow they show up. But being sick made me realize something…

I was doing everything—ginger, tea, medicine, zinc—but I didn’t pray. Not once.

And that bothered me.
Because I sat there thinking, “Why didn’t I just pause and ask God to heal me?” By His stripes, we are healed. But sometimes I go through the motions and forget the foundation.
So if you’re reading this—say a quick prayer for me and for yourself about that thing that’s on your heart. I’m trying to get back to full strength and back to my routines.

Speaking of routines…
On Friday night, I wanted a burger. Bad.
Burger, chicken sandwich, milkshake—the whole thing. I fought it. I really did. I didn’t get the milkshake on Friday… ended up getting it on Saturday.

But then I realized something.
From the start of April till the end, I hadn’t had fast food. No burger. No milkshake. Nothing.
And that meant something to me.
Not because I eat it all the time—but because I wanted it, and I didn’t give in. And by the time I did, it was already May.

That felt like growth.
I got my fix, and honestly, I’m good for another month.

---

Now… let’s talk about something that annoyed me.
Taliat’s Kitchen — count your days.
I’m saying this here because this is my safe space. I won’t take this to social media where things can go viral, but I need to say it.

They have some of the best Nigerian food in Austin. No debate.
But I’ve noticed a pattern—not just here, but in Sacramento, Oakland, now Austin—where Nigerian businesses grow, build a loyal base, and then start slipping.

Prices go up. Portions go down. Quality becomes inconsistent.

The first meal I had in Austin was ayamase, rice, and plantain from there in January 2024.
Yesterday? Same meal was pushing $22.
And the bowl was mostly kidney meat.

I hate kidney meat.
The stew was barely there, and they added an egg—which, once removed, made it even more obvious how little stew was actually in there.
I just don’t like dishonesty in business or products I am paying for.

As I get older, I’ve realized I don’t like people playing with my time, my money, or my loyalty. Because I would have checked them. And maybe I should have.

And before anyone jumps in with “Nigerian food is hard to make”….I hear it. I do. But when you’re cooking in bulk, your cost per plate goes down.

Meanwhile, other cuisines—Chinese, Indian—use similar proteins and still manage pricing better.
Something isn’t adding up.
If I’m wrong, let’s talk about it. But right now, it doesn’t make sense to me.

---

Being sick has also taken away my walks.
You guys know I love my walks. Sometimes I even drive just to find a good place to walk. But this congestion? Yeah… not fun.
Also—who is the grumpiest person you know when they’re sick?

It’s me.
100% me.

I hate it. It disrupts everything. It makes me irritable. So if I’ve been quiet, it’s not personal—I just don’t want to transfer that energy to anyone else.
And can we talk about something real quick?

If I’m sick… why are you trying to kiss me?
Are you okay?
This is Idris Elba’s fault. That whole COVID era “I’m sticking beside him” nonsense—no. Absolutely not.
If you live in a four-bedroom house, USE THE ROOMS.
Isolate. Rest. Recover.
Love me from a distance for 48 hours. You’ll be fine.

You need to rest and get ready for the summer.
Summer’s coming!!! Or here sef.
What are your plans?
I feel like I just be traveling and telling you guys after the fact, but I actually want to hear from you. Drop your plans in the comments—trips, picnics, road trips, whatever.
I’m thinking about doing a road trip myself. From Austin—where should I go? A quiet cabin trip? Or a state close to Texas? Somewhere random? Put me on.

---

Also—thank you.
Seriously.
To everyone who reads, comments, replies—I appreciate you. This blog is probably the most honest space I have. It’s where you get my real thoughts, unfiltered.
April was one of my biggest months in a long time—even without posting consistently. So thank you for rocking with me.
I’m realizing I might need to start writing these ahead of time, because life gets busy. But I also like giving you my thoughts in real time.
We’ll find a balance.

I also want to build my own website.

A proper one.

Landing page, blog, music reviews, content, everything in one place.

If you’ve got the skills—or know someone who does—reach out. I’m serious.

(And yes, if you’re the one person reading this thinking I’m talking to you… I am. And no, you’re not building it. You’ve got enough on your plate 😂)

Let me leave you with this: Everything in your life doesn’t have to look perfect to be perfect.
I’ve been chasing this idea of the “perfect life,” but I’m starting to realize—this is it.
This season. This version of me. This body, this job, these friendships, this impact.
You can want more and still appreciate where you are.

Both can exist.

I’ll see you all next week—by God’s grace, healthy, no congestion, back to normal.

And funnily enough, writing this is the best I’ve felt all week.
So thank you for that.

Before I go—go listen to Asake’s new album Money.
🎧 https://open.spotify.com/search/asake%20money
My favorites right now:

• Money Can’t Buy Happiness
• Gratitude
• Forgiveness

I’ll do a full review soon, but yeah…he did his thing.

Till next time. Stay up 🤞🏾

I heard the dial buzz like a nursery rhyme
I tried to prepare myself
clears throat
My tone, my pitch
I can’t remember why I called
For many months
I had picked my phone and tried to type
But I could never find the words
Or there were too many words
There was a lot to say
But not this way
I wanted it face to face
So i could look into your beautiful eyes
And peer into your damaged soul again

For many months I wanted you to say more
But you always found a way to say none at all
You would look into my wanting heart
And say just enough
But it was really much of nothing
Those lips would part
And that gorgeous smile revealed
They would go round and round like a ferris wheel
Soft like a spoon full of brûlée
Your lips would lock into mine
Both sets of them
Finding them time after time
But never finding truth

You used to make me sing
Low octave stepping to your beats
You played my heart like a drum
And I shifted my hips to the baseline
As you shifted my guts
You knew your way around
But I didn’t know how to keep you around
The dial tone stopped
You picked up and I heard you say
“I love you and I’ve been meaning to call”
Well that is what I thought I heard you say
So I asked you to repeat yourself
You said “never mind”
And right then
I remembered why I called
To tell you, that you’re a fuxking asshole
My Uber is on its way
I’ll be there in 20mins

2018, Adewus.
Picked up a call from someone I shouldn’t have and it inspired this poem.

Sometimes I’m amazed at the strength I have… to pick the cowardly option.

Not because I don’t know better. Not because I don’t see it.
But because I can feel myself choosing it anyway.

The option so many of us default to – the one that requires less vulnerability, less discomfort, less truth. The one where we don’t have to do the work.

I’m always a little shocked by how much effort I can put into convincing myself that:

• I wasn’t wrong
• I shouldn’t be the one to call
• I don’t need to reach out

As if silence is somehow a form of dignity.

And the dangerous part is how quickly time starts working in your favor. One day turns into one week. That week turns into distance. And suddenly, both people settle into the quiet comfort of:

“I must have been right.”

No resolution. No growth. Just distance dressed up as peace.

---

What amazes me even more is how we operate in extremes.

In the highs, we speak so boldly. We promise love, loyalty, and longevity. We say things that feel permanent. We build something that feels real.

But when things get hard—when it requires humility, accountability, or discomfort—we start looking for exits. We protect our ego instead of the bond.

We don’t always lose people because we don’t care.
Sometimes we lose them because we weren’t brave enough to fight for the connection the same way we were brave enough to start it.

We become afraid to hold cherishable things because we got dropped as fragile things… now we are fragile beings.
That line sits with me. More than when I first came up with it but everytime I think of the much I’ve lost because I was fragile or worried about breaking fragile things.

A lot of our hesitation isn’t random; it’s learned. Just ask Janine and Gregory.
It’s protective. It’s rooted in past experiences where showing up didn’t end well.

But still… that doesn’t make avoidance the answer.

Adulting requires a different kind of bravery.

Not the loud, visible kind.
The quiet kind.

The kind that:

• picks up the phone first
• admits fault without being forced
• chooses understanding over being right
• stays when it would be easier to withdraw

Bravery in the face of pain, hurt, and disappointment.

So the real question becomes:

How do you find your voice… when your instinct is to protect it?
How do you push through… when everything in you says to stay quiet?

I don’t have a perfect answer yet.

But I’m starting to believe it begins with choosing discomfort on purpose.
Choosing honesty before distance.
Choosing connection before ego.

Even when it feels like the harder option.
Especially then.

Till next time.

Stay up.

Please leave me a comment, repost, and share. Thank you for your continued support.
You are highly appreciated.

#WordsOfWednesday

© 2026 #WhatTheHeckMan

I’m currently on a walk as the idea for this post comes to me. It’s funny how, at different phases of your life, you become familiar with certain things.

I remember when I was working at Mentor House almost 10 years ago—I centered a lot of my conversations through a mental health lens. Then you move into tech, and your vocabulary changes. Your interests shift too. But most importantly for me recently has been understanding my body.

I’ve never really wanted to admit this, but this feels like a vulnerable space—and I’m grateful for the opportunity to share real experiences and hopefully inspire others to live in their truth.

For many years, I had this fear that my demise would come from a brain aneurysm. I know some people would say, “Don’t speak that over yourself,” and fair—but that was my fear. The same way some people fear they won’t get married, won’t have kids, won’t be good parents, or might fall back into poverty… that was mine.

That was until 2020, when I started feeling pain in my left side. I went to the doctor, ran tests, and was told I had diverticulitis. Essentially, it’s when small pockets form in the lining of your digestive system. If you don’t eat enough fiber, food can get trapped there, causing irritation, bloating, and pain that can travel from your lower left abdomen to your back and even downward.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve also become more aware—maybe even more anxious—about how often I see men dealing with serious health issues like prostate cancer and other illnesses. Have I been great about going to the doctor consistently? No. But I intend to do better.

Today, though, I want to talk about something else: cortisol.

It’s taken me a few weeks to be honest with myself about how I feel. And the simplest way to describe it is this—I’m stressed.

Whether it’s family issues, personal decisions, ambitions, or just feeling like my body isn’t responding the way I want it to… I feel it. A lot of that stress shows up when I wake up and look at myself. Some days, I don’t appreciate where I am physically.

What’s funny is, I went to an event last week wearing traditional Nigerian attire. When I watched the videos back, I thought, “I actually look really good.” I looked sharp. Confident. Put together.

But in the moment? I didn’t feel that way at all. I had just eaten a huge Chipotle burrito, felt bloated, and convinced myself I didn’t look great overall.

There’s a real disconnect sometimes between how I see myself and how others see me. People will describe me in ways that genuinely surprise me.

So I started paying attention to patterns.

My diet hasn’t been great the past few weeks. I never thought of myself as a stress eater, but I’ve realized I’m more of an emotional eater. Not fast food—but comfort food. Familiar meals.

I always have staples in my fridge or freezer—fada sauce, aramashi stew, spaghetti sauce. Every couple of weeks, I make big batches, store some, freeze the rest.

I can go weeks eating clean, disciplined. But let me have a rough stretch, and suddenly I’ve rearranged my diet around comfort.

There’s nothing inherently wrong with those meals—but if I’m trying to stay strict, that’s not the time for them. And because I live alone, I’m accountable only to myself. That can be a gift and a weakness.

To be fair, since the beginning of the year, I’ve been more disciplined overall. Smaller portions, more awareness around sugar—although I still enjoy a sweet treat almost every night. That’s an area I can improve.

But the real issue isn’t just food.

It’s cortisol.

I’m stressed. I have too much on my mind. I’m not sleeping well. And I’m starting to feel like it’s costing me my ability to be consistently happy.

So what’s the solution?

By the grace of God, I’ve inherited my dad’s ability to connect with people easily. I make friends all over the world without trying too hard, and it’s always genuine.

But I’m realizing that I also absorb a lot—from relationships, from interactions, from people who may not even realize what they’re carrying.

And I need to do a better job protecting myself from that.

This has become an ongoing internal conversation. Do I distance myself from certain people? Do I go home? Do I have the hard conversations I’ve been avoiding?

One thing I know for sure is this: waiting for people to reach certain levels of self-awareness on their own timeline has cost me peace. It’s left gaps in my heart and, at times, sleepless nights.

If I’m being honest, since my birthday trip in January, I don’t think I’ve woken up and felt genuinely happy. Within minutes of being awake, something creeps in—tension in my body, restlessness in my mind, or a weight on my spirit tied to something unresolved.

So how do I fix that?

I have to be honest about what I can control—and what I can’t.

I can’t save everyone. I can’t fix everything. And I definitely can’t do that while trying to keep myself afloat.

There’s a part of me that wishes I could just sit and cry sometimes. People love to say, “If you were married, things would be easier,” but that’s not real. Being married doesn’t eliminate challenges, especially when you care deeply about people across different spaces and places.

So, cortisol—we need to break up. And we need to do it fast.

Because this way of living isn’t sustainable.

I can’t only feel real joy when I’m in a different country or when my phone is on Do Not Disturb for days at a time. Sometimes people reach out asking why I’ve gone quiet. And while occasionally they’re part of the stress, most times they’re not.

I just need space to reset. To recharge. To breathe.

I’m working on getting better—not just physically, but emotionally and mentally. Yes, some of it is eating better and taking care of my body. But a lot of it is identifying what’s causing stress and learning how to remove or limit those things.

So as you think about your own life, take a moment.

What’s weighing on your heart right now?

Maybe it’s those extra 10 pounds that won’t drop. Maybe it’s your sleep. Maybe it’s the fact that joy hasn’t felt consistent in a while.

Pause. Take stock.

Ask yourself what’s heavy—and what you can do about it.

Sometimes it’s going home. Sometimes it’s telling yourself the truth. Sometimes it’s cutting people off. Sometimes it’s learning to be okay alone.

Sometimes it’s spending less. Sometimes it’s spending more. Sometimes it’s eating the meal that brings you comfort. And sometimes it’s embracing delayed gratification.

At the end of the day, I hope you’re listening to your body, your heart, and your soul.

I’m about to finish this walk. I’m trying to get back into consistency – an hour walk at least three times a week, and 30 minutes on the other days. That’s my starting point.

But more importantly, I’m learning to walk away from the things that invite cortisol into my life.

I hope you do the same.

Until next time—stay up.

What is the most stressful area of your life right now and how can you fix it?

Till next time.

Stay up.

Please leave me a comment, repost and share. Thank you for your continued support.
You are highly appreciated.

#WordsOfWednesday

© 2026 #WhatTheHeckMan

The 2025 Review

Every year I sit down to write one of these and every year I tell myself that it’s going to be shorter.
And every year I’m wrong.

There is something about taking a moment to pause and actually look back at the year you just lived that forces a certain level of honesty out of you. Not the Instagram honesty. Not the curated honesty. The real kind. The kind where you start connecting dots between things that felt random when they were happening but start to make a lot more sense when you step back.

2025 was one of those years where a lot happened, but not always in the loud or obvious ways.

There were wins. There was growth. There were a few moments that genuinely made me proud of myself. But there were also moments where I had to sit with uncomfortable truths about my life, my decisions, my relationships, and even the way I show up for myself.

I traveled. I worked out. I wrote. I prayed. I stressed. I overthought things that probably didn’t deserve that much energy. I also had moments where life felt incredibly full and other moments where, if I’m being honest, things felt a little empty.

And that’s probably the best way to describe 2025.
It was a year of contrast.

Some days I felt incredibly clear about who I am and where I’m going. Other days I felt like I was still figuring out the same lessons that life has been trying to teach me for years.

But that’s the point of these reflections.

Not perfection. Not pretending that everything made sense while it was happening. Just taking the time to understand it a little better now.

So like every year, I’m going to walk through the different parts of my life — faith, fitness, creativity, money, relationships, and everything in between — and give myself an honest assessment of where things landed in 2025.

Some grades will be generous.
Some might be a little harsh.

But all of them will be honest.

And hopefully somewhere in the middle of all of this reflection, both you and I can find a few lessons worth carrying into 2026.

Let’s get into it.

FAITH

Why did I think that in 2025 I would give myself a B when it comes to faith?

Guys, for the first time in a long time, I actually think I might have regressed. I believe my score from 2024 was a C minus. And honestly… I think I’ll keep it at that. A C minus. Which, to me, feels like regression.

Spiritually, 2025 was interesting.

I felt like I leaned on God many times. I know there was one weekend in August when I damn near called and begged God. I rushed down to Dallas assuming the worst, but praying for the best. I prayed a lot. I talked to God often.

But if I’m being honest, I don’t always know if I felt like God was listening. Sometimes I wondered if my sins or my actions had pushed me out of sight.

One thing I love about growing up in the church is that if you stay there long enough, you hear enough truth that you can pull from when life gets tough. That doesn’t necessarily mean you always remember how to tap into it. But the knowledge is there.

For example, I know that despite how rough things get, and despite how far I might drift, God doesn’t love me any less.

That truth has comforted me on many levels.

But 2025 was still complicated spiritually. I didn’t go to church very often. I didn’t fellowship much either. In fact, I’ve been searching for a men’s Bible study for a while now. Maybe I should just give in and find any Bible study to join and see what happens.

Because sometimes taking a step forward in faith is simply taking a step.

So often in life and in our relationship with God, we wait for the perfect environment. We wait for alignment. We wait for all the pieces to fall into place.

We wait for some grand sign.

We want God to show up in our dreams and tell us who our spouse is. We want a voice in the clouds telling us to forgive someone, leave someone, move somewhere, take the job, bet on ourselves.

But the truth is the sign might not come in the dramatic way we expect.

Sometimes the sign only becomes clear after you move.

After you attempt. After you step forward.

And if I’m honest, I don’t know if I did enough of that in 2025.

Another truth? I’ve been annoyed with the church for a while now.

As I get older and more observant, I see more unkindness within spaces that are supposed to represent love. It’s a strange place to be in spiritually — to believe so deeply in God, to find comfort in scripture, and yet still see how often the church fails to live up to what it preaches.

The unkindness can be intense. The misogyny can be exhausting. The suppression of women’s voices, rights, and agency is something that has bothered me deeply.

And that has made things hard.

Growing up, church was a constant in my life. As a pastor’s kid, we practically lived there. Sundays weren’t just church — they were full days of visits, prayer sessions, and community check-ins.

There was Tuesday Digging Deep.
Thursday Faith Clinic.
Friday Night Vigil.
Saturday Choir Practice.
Sunday Church.

And every month there was something else. A special program. A regional gathering. A visiting minister. Daddy G.O. in town.

Church wasn’t an event. It was a lifestyle.

So as an adult who travels frequently, it has been difficult to maintain that same rhythm. Strangely enough, one thing I sometimes look forward to about being married someday and starting a family is the possibility of routine.

Being home most of the year.
Going to church on Sundays.
Raising kids in that rhythm.

But then again, I ask myself: is that really the life I want?

Part of me still believes I could be a traveling husband. A traveling dad. A partner raising children while still exploring the world.

Maybe that life could still include faith in a different way. I don’t know.

That’s something I’ll probably need to figure out with God.

What I do know is that in 2025, I didn’t read my Bible as much as I should have. I didn’t live out my faith as intentionally as I wanted to.

And if I’m evaluating myself honestly, I know there are areas where I fell short.

My anger got the best of me sometimes.
My mouth did too.
My faithlessness showed up.

I lied to myself at times. I lied to people I care about.

That’s not the man God calls me to be.

I’m not saying this for applause or for people to comment on vulnerability. I’m saying it because self reflection matters.

I know I can be a better Christian. And I know that if I become a better Christian, I will naturally become a better man.

A better praying man.
A better giving man.
A more patient man.

And patience… God knows I need more of it.

As I get older, sometimes it feels like I have less grace in the tank for certain people or situations. That worries me. But that’s exactly why faith matters.

Faith requires conversation with God.
Time with God.
Submission.

Because if I’m doing those things consistently, maybe the connection grows stronger. Maybe the emptiness I sometimes feel begins to fade.

Because here’s the truth.

For all the countries I’ve visited…
For all the places I’ve seen…
For whatever people think I have — status, attention, movement —

There are still days where I wake up feeling empty.

Feeling undeserving. Feeling unworthy.

And I know that is not what God wants for me.

Part of that feeling comes from guilt — the sense that I’m not living exactly how I know I should.

So for 2025, my faith grade stays at C minus.

But in 2026? I’m still aiming for that B.

2025 Expected Score: B
2025 Final Score: C-
2026 Expected Score: B

FITNESS

Now let’s talk about fitness.

I loved fitness in 2025.

Ironically, I didn’t buy as many new gym outfits as I thought I would. I might need to correct that this year.

But I truly enjoyed being in the gym.

I’ve built a small community there. It’s funny because as I was writing this section today, someone at the gym stopped me to say something unexpected.

He told me I was an inspiration.

Apparently he had been watching how I work out — my form, the weights I use, the consistency — and he said it motivated him.

My first thought was: should I be concerned that you’ve been watching me this closely?

But my second thought was gratitude.

Fitness was good to me in 2025. Toward the end of the year, I made a conscious effort to change my diet. I realized I had gained a little weight and wanted to address it.

Before Thanksgiving, I managed to lose most of it.

Of course, then you travel to Nigeria. Then you keep traveling. And the holidays happen. So who knows where the scale is exactly right now.

But I do feel different.

I feel stronger.
I look a bit more toned.
The weights I’m lifting are heavier.

And that’s the best sign of progress.

What I’m most proud of is that I’ve learned to listen to my body more.

I don’t rush workouts anymore.
I don’t force them.
If my body needs rest, I take rest.

There was a time when five gym days a week felt mandatory. Now I’m more balanced about it.

But let me make something very clear.

2026 is the year I will be at the beach with my shirt off.

Yes, I said it.

Some of you who follow me on Instagram have seen the back shots. The back workouts have been putting in work.

But this year? We’re turning around to the front.

StairMaster.
Thirty minutes.
Sometimes an hour.

Outdoor walks.
Strength training.

I’m coming for it.

So prepare yourselves. Because when that beach moment comes — somewhere in Europe or the Caribbean — I will not be hearing any complaints.

The show is loading.

2025 Expected Score: A
2025 Final Score: B-
2026 Expected Score: A

CREATIVITY

Creativity… if I’m being honest, this area struggled in 2025.

I recorded a lot of content. My phone storage is constantly screaming at me. But recording and executing are two different things.

I didn’t edit or post nearly as much as I wanted to.

One thing I really wanted to do was get deeper into travel blogging. And as I write this, I’m actually planning to launch my YouTube channel.

So yes — that’s happening.

If you’re reading this, feel free to tell me what you’d want to see. Food content will definitely be there. Lifestyle content as well.

And of course travel.

I’ve also been proud of staying consistent with Words of Wednesday. And yes, I know I’ve been teasing a surprise for a few years now.

But maybe this year… the surprise actually comes.

We’ll see.

One thing I will say is that my confidence as a creator took a hit in 2025.
Losing followers can mess with your head. I know it’s normal for creators, but it still feels strange to post something and watch the numbers drop.

It made me hesitate at times.

But the truth is, I’m not posting a fake life online.

I live the life first.

Then sometimes — later — it becomes content.

Content doesn’t create my life. My life creates the content.

And that’s something I’ll always protect.

Recently I had a conversation with someone about why I continue to create content. And my answer was simple.

Because it inspires people.

I’ve seen messages from people who read something I wrote or watched something I shared and felt encouraged by it.

That’s powerful.

If simply living my life honestly can inspire someone else to live theirs more fully, then that is reason enough to keep going.

So creativity in 2025 gets a C plus from me.

Last year I gave myself a D. So technically, that’s progress.

But in 2026, the target is B territory.

More posting.
More storytelling.
More sharing.

And hopefully… you’ll all stick around for the ride.

2025 Expected Score: B
2025 Final Score: C+
2026 Expected Score: B

MONEY

I don’t think I’ve ever thought about money as much as I have in the last few weeks.

Finances have become a consuming part of my thoughts. And the irony is this: this is probably the brokest I’ve been in years in terms of liquid cash, but it is also the year where I might make some of the most significant financial decisions of my life.

That’s a strange place to be in.

But that’s where we are in 2026 so far.

Now, 2025 was good financially in many ways. I hit my savings goal for the first half of the year. The second half, though? Honestly, it’s a bit of a blur.

I don’t fully remember how I spent some of that time or where all the money went.

One major lesson I took from 2025 is this: front load your savings whenever possible.

That’s something I’m intentionally doing more of this year. If you can build your savings early in the year, it gives you breathing room when life inevitably gets busier or more expensive later on.

For me, the second half of the year tends to get chaotic. Travel picks up. Life gets fuller. Spending becomes easier.

Now, that might not be the case for you. Your financial rhythm might be the exact opposite. But the key is understanding how your year naturally flows and planning accordingly.

For me, it means tightening things up early.

And if there’s one piece of advice I’ll leave here, it’s simple:

Invest.

Invest. Invest. Invest.

Whether that’s through your Roth IRA, your 401k, ETFs, or whatever vehicle works best for you — just make sure your money is doing something beyond sitting there.

It’s very easy to keep working, earning, and spending without putting money into places where it can grow and multiply.

Emergency savings are important, yes.

But you also need your money to be making money.

That’s something I’m committed to doing more intentionally as we move deeper into 2026.
And we back on a weekly budget!

In 2018 when I was trying get my credit from the dumps of the 500s – I put myself on a strict weekly budget – $50/wk.
That was my spend on anything that wasn’t food, groceries or gas.
Not telling you what the 2026 number is but omo! We are back at it o.
So don’t ask me to go anywhere – I’m begging o because I won’t be able to say no. 😂

RELATIONSHIPS – we know this is why you are here. Big head. 😂

Relationships are… complicated.

2025 reminded me of something I already knew: my trust in people is very low.

I think I need to rebuild my faith in people. My faith in the depth of humanity. My belief that people can truly show up for one another.

Sometimes I almost don’t even want to test that belief.

And if I’m honest, I struggle with feeling alone more often than I’d like to admit.

That doesn’t mean there’s nobody in my life. That’s not the case at all. I have people around me.

But there are also a lot of complicated dynamics.

Proximity.
Availability.
Intentionality.

Each of those words represents a different relationship or friendship in my life. And carrying that complexity can feel heavy.

Sometimes it feels like you’re not getting the best version of what people could give you. Either because they’re unwilling… or because they simply aren’t capable.
That has been difficult.

Compatibility has become such a deep requirement. Not in just in romance but especially in friendship.
In depth and in-depth.
Depth in the person being such an incredible well of life that you fall and let yourself sink deeper into them while discovering layers that excite, challenge and motivate you.
One that also lets you know them more – that’s where the “in-depth” comes in.

People tell me the type of woman they think I’ll marry.
I agree – largely because they only think of who it will be based on one dimension of my life.
They all see different things but I see one thing – a discomfort with being average or ordinary.
It is the one thing that I can say with certainty she’ll have and this is from the man that likes bumbum above a lot of things o. Yes I like and I don’t care what you think because las las
Yakubu manageeee! 😂

Self-awareness is another thing that relationships have proven to be important. Not exclusive to romantic ones either.
I said this before but I truly believe that a lot of difficult conversations don’t need to be had if people had them with themselves first and as honestly as possible.
And it’s that self-awareness that brought me to the place of recognizing that I have had a history of pitching my tent with partners who expressing care or love that doesn’t come naturally to.
I had to sit down and ask – “Sanmi, why do you keep choosing partners that you have to be ‘okay’ with them not being affectionate or nurturing”. And that question was expensive in heartache and money to my therapist.

I don’t want to “teach” you how to love me. Or how to chase more in your life.
…that you should evolve and want more for yourself.
Or that your hair should be done or that you should clean up after your home.
No one should have to tell you that.
And sadly, you have to engage people that feel like they are perfect for you when they don’t even feel good enough for themselves.

Almost every free moment of mine is rooted in trying to evolve and better.
I don’t remember the last time I just said “that’s how I am” and felt good about it.
I struggle to talk about myself – writing here is easier.
It also feels easier to just pour out my thoughts vs sharing them with someone who may not be fully engaged or will personalize my pain and act like it is me trying to harm them.

I never realized how much I loved good morning messages till I stopped getting them.
Or how important it was to be with someone that you never had to question their intentions.
Nothing was passive-aggressive or a gotcha moment.
The simple.
But of course would that ever be enough for us? At the time, it was not enough for me and alas.

A few weeks ago, I looked love in the face and said “thank you for never holding back and expressing yourself to me”.
That gift is probably the best I got in 2025.
I hope you wait to open the 26th card.

In many ways, I think I became a more intentional friend in 2025.

I made an effort to spend time with people I care about. I showed up where I could. It was a difficult year for a lot of people in my life, and I’m grateful I had the opportunity to be present for them.

At the same time, it was also a beautiful year for some of my friends.

Marriages. Growth. Big life moments.
Watching those things unfold brought me a lot of joy.
But forgiveness… that part is still a work in progress.

There are a few friendships where I still feel deeply let down. And because of that, my heart has become a little more guarded when it comes to reaching out or investing energy.

If I’m being honest, I entered this year with a certain mindset.

A “people will receive exactly what they give me” type of mindset.

I wasn’t planning to go out of my way for people who don’t reach out. Not attending events. Not spending extra money to show up if the effort isn’t mutual.

No birthday messages.
No checking in.
No responding to messages.

All of that stuff adds up.

And while I still feel some of that energy, I’m also trying to be better about how I express those feelings and how I respond to them.

I’m still figuring that part out.

There are no guarantees.

Because truthfully, there are still moments where I’m very upset with certain people for certain reasons.

But life is about learning. Growing. Evolving.

And one thing I do want to be more intentional about this year is saying “I love you.”

Saying it more often.

Living more openly in that space.

There’s also another thing I’ve been thinking about lately: peace.

There have been moments in my life — sometimes when I’m traveling, sometimes when I’m in a quiet place in another country — where I feel this incredible sense of bliss.

It might last a week. Maybe a few days.

But in those moments, everything feels aligned.

I want that feeling more consistently in my life.

Not once or twice a year.

Every day.

Or at least something close to it.

I know that kind of peace requires work. Internal work. Emotional work. Spiritual work.

But I’m excited about the possibility of building toward that. Planting in The Garden and hopefully it brings fruit.

2025 also delivered a few surprises in the friendship department.
For example, I discovered that someone I care about — actually two people — had been speaking negatively about me behind my back.

In one of those situations, I had already apologized for something that caused them any inconvenience.

So learning that they were still harboring resentment and discussing me publicly hurt more than the gossip itself.

But again…

You live.
You learn.
You grow.

And one thing I’m confident about is this: if I apologized sincerely and my intention was never to hurt someone in the first place, then I’ve done my part.

That’s where my responsibility ends.

Moving forward, my focus is simple.

I want to be better about not putting myself in situations that lead to regret. I also want to be quicker about walking away from situations that don’t serve me.

Sooner rather than later. Because at the end of the day, life is still good.

2025 had its challenges, but overall it was a strong year in many ways.
And I’m genuinely looking forward to seeing what the next chapter brings.

What part of this resonated with you the most? Let me know in the comments.

Till next time.

Stay up.

Please leave me a comment, repost and share. Thank you for your continued support.
You are highly appreciated.

#WordsOfWednesday

© 2026 #WhatTheHeckMan

How Many Times Are You Going to Ignore Your Intuition?

So how many times are you going to ignore your intuition? How many times are you going to silence the most consistent voice that has occupied your head for all these years?

I know it’s the hope that gets you. It’s the hope that makes you think this one will be different. This time won’t be like the last.

But at some point, you have to become responsible for understanding the threads within your life.

I’ll come back to that in a second.

As I write this right now, there is a throbbing sensation on the left side of my head. It has been there on and off since Saturday. Initially, when it started, I made the usual joke about how once you cross 30, any slight physical inconvenience makes you wonder whether you just need more sleep and water… or whether you’re somehow entering the final phase of your life.

After observing it closely — and trying to diagnose my life — I’ve come to understand that this particular pain is stress-driven.

---

The Threads We Chase

Work is the busiest it’s been in a long time. And emotionally, I feel like I’ve been all over the place.

I truly believe that as people get older, one of the things they chase is a predictable balance across all areas of their lives.

But where I stand right now, there are so many threads to manage.

My friend’s mom having surgery.
Big next-life decisions concerning my health.
People getting engaged.
People falling in love.
People growing their families.

And in the middle of all of that, you find yourself asking:

How did I get here again?
How did I let these triggers get me to this point?
How did I take my eyes off the prize?

I’ve said it before: maturing is understanding what your highs look like, what your lows feel like, and how much of that you can control.

A lot of the stress I feel emotionally right now is either self-inflicted or the result of ignoring very blatant signs that I’ve always known.

---

Mutual Interest Is Not Compatibility

One of the main reasons I’ve ended up in certain situations is this: earlier in my romantic life, I felt like people I loved gave up on me — or on what we were building — too easily.

Because of that, I developed this instinct to never give up on anyone I care about.

Friends.
Partners.
Even people I work with.

But here’s the problem.

If you’re not strict about protecting your happiness and your peace, eventually that peace gets altered. All you’re doing is punting the problem from affecting you in March to affecting you in August.

And if you’re mature and self-aware enough, you’ll feel the discomfort early. That subtle misalignment. That unease in your spirit.

You know when you’re being breadcrumbed.
You know when you’re focusing only on the positives.
You know when, if you forensically analyze it, this person may not actually be right for your life.

Mutual interest — and even mutual alignment — does not mean compatibility.

Liking someone doesn’t mean they’re good for you.

Caring about someone doesn’t mean they should occupy your space.

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The Rain Analogy

I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again.

If it’s raining outside and you see kids playing in the rain, and you decide to join them while dressed in white, the mud that splashes on your clothes is your fault.

But the mud that hits you just from being outside? That’s not your fault.

When you ignore the early signals — whether it’s the throbbing on the left side of your head or the unease you feel in certain conversations — and you override that for the reward of hope… you are choosing to step into the rain.

Old triggers don’t always come back in the same form. Sometimes they reincarnate slightly modified.

And I’m tired of making similar mistakes.

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Accountability Isn’t Always Comfortable

I hate 5 a.m. flights. I will only take them if they’re the last resort or the only option to get me where I need to be.

There are things I cannot tolerate. And frankly, should not.

Recently, I thanked one of my favorite people in my life for being someone who openly shares how they feel about me and the space I occupy in their life.

That gratitude was only possible because I was able to forensically analyze my life — my friendships, my romantic decisions.

I have a very functional fear of certain types of people, especially certain types of women in relationships. But I also had to hold myself accountable.

For a stretch of my life, I attracted the:
“Oh, I’m much better in person.”
“Oh, I’m nonchalant and cold over the phone.”
“Oh, I light up only when we’re in the same room.”

But I also had to admit: I know I don’t want to be with someone who can’t articulate their feelings.

I know I’m not comfortable being with someone who is overly emotional about everything.

And you have to be brutally honest about why you do what you do.

Was I lonely and didn’t know it?
Did I just like the attention?

An ex-friend once told me, during a reconciliation attempt with someone I loved:

“Sanmi, you’re only doing this for your ego. You want to be the one who ends it before they end it with you.”

That hurt. But it was true.

Recognizing that made it easier to let things be.

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Protection Can Still Cause Harm

People create mechanisms to protect themselves.

But it is entirely possible for someone to protect themselves in a way that harms you.

You’re trying to connect with someone who is evasive because they’re guarding against heartbreak. But in their protection, they’re hurting you.

Maturity is understanding that both things can be true.

Growth is realizing that sometimes holding your tongue to keep the peace doesn’t create peace. It creates misunderstanding.

At the same time, being quick to push someone away isn’t always strength. Sometimes it’s fear.

“I don’t want to get too close so I don’t get hurt.”

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Finding Your Way Back to Yourself

As I write this, I’m about to get on a flight to Miami.

The last time I was at that airport, my heart was heavy. I felt unseen. Unappreciated. Uncared for.

Two completely different seasons. But I can track the similarities between how I felt then and how I feel now.

And I say all of this to say:

You deserve grace.

And in this case, that “you” includes me.

Understanding where I’ve gone wrong is growth. Understanding why the left side of my head is throbbing is growth.

But the next level is learning to mitigate the things that lead to that pain in the first place.

There’s no perfect science.

The best thing we can do is improve every single day.

Be honest with yourself.
Be kind with yourself.
Be strict with yourself.

Know when the negatives are creeping in.
Know when to close the door.
Know when to leave it open for what is good.

But most importantly — find your way home.

Till next time.

Stay up.

Please leave me a comment, repost and share. Thank you for your continued support.
You are highly appreciated.

#WordsOfWednesday

© 2026 #WhatTheHeckMan

I’m coming from my friend’s wedding as I get these thoughts in my head, heading back to my hotel. In my mind, there are many things that we as human beings want and need to keep us fulfilled, engaged, inspired, motivated, and so on. As I head home, it could be because I’ve just spent all this time around love and celebration.

There’s still a part of me that feel somewhat saddened by the emptiness of not having my person in that specific regard, like not having love, but having the secured love, and like the secured forever love, the marriage dotted line, and all that. I’d open up this piece by just saying, get you someone who polishes your shoes and irons your clothes. Now, for my women followers, I know you’re probably freaking out because you just heard ironing, but the polishing of the shoes and the ironing are both metaphors for what I’m exactly speaking about.

What I’m more speaking about is someone with the intense, whoa, whoa, whoa, what the heck is wrong with you? What I’m most speaking about is someone who considers you in the purest, most organic and non-influenced ways. I think you get to a certain point of your life where there’s an intangible that you hope that you get from your partner and the communities that you are a part of. I remember thinking about myself as I was evaluating and trying to better understand my life, decisions that I’ve made, and things of that nature.

I was exploring the things that I think I am great at and the things that probably need a bit more work. I think I am the lover that polishes your shoes and irons your clothes. I don’t know if it was an upbringing thing or if it was how I have just come to be as a man, but if we’re on vacation or we’re in, not even on vacation, if we’re in my house and we’re getting ready for date night and I intend to iron a shirt, I’m more than likely, I’m almost 100% confident that I would ask, what are you wearing so I can iron it? More importantly, one thing I’ve noticed and observed about myself is I typically would iron theirs first before mine.

It’s not lost on me why that is and it’s because I feel like if you have the skill set to alleviate stress for your partner, that is exactly what you should do. I find that one of the ways that I’ve probably felt the most let down in relationships, romantic relationships particularly, is someone who considers my shoes and my clothes first. It feels rare.

It feels like something that is not even common anymore, but a part of me still believes it possible for folks to still enjoy that reality of being able to have someone that prioritizes you and puts you first. A lot of us haven’t experienced that in a while and I think it’s important that whenever people hear things like that, they don’t automatically jump into the defense mode of, no, I definitely am that partner. I think the depth of what I’m describing is in it being a lived action where this person just shows up loving you in that particular way.

It’s not just on a good day or on the day that they’re responsible for managing you. The home or the relationship, that is who they are naturally and who they show up to be with you. Something really, really beautiful about that.

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