#WordsofWednesday · Art · Fiction · Poetry · TheRantsShow

Content

“Contentment”

Growing up, my mother always made a point to teach us about contentment.
We were raised to appreciate what we had – however little it was.

It became a guiding principle.
When I graduated college and went into nonprofit work, some of my friends with engineering degrees went into $60,000+ jobs while I made a measly $28,000 per year.
I never saw them as better or myself as less than.
I have always been financially sound and economical. We took the same vacations and ate at the same places. I was able to contribute always.
I was always content with what I had.

This piece has been on my mind for a few weeks now because I have been thinking about contentment from a place of having more than enough.
Over the last few years, there has been very little in my life that I have not been able to have.
One area of my life that has been easier than others is attraction from women.
Sometimes without even trying, I get people that express themselves or want to be with me.
It is scary and unnerving.

I can look at a person in my life and say “if I really wanted them, I could have them”
It’s been that “easy”.
But how does one stay content in abundance?
Those weren’t lessons that we were taught as kids or even young adults.
So I’ve been having that dialogue with myself internally about what maturity looks like.
It’s not always being able to be okay with not having, it’s being okay with having enough.

What is enough you ask?
We chase after money, status, growth, promotion, and in many cases, we do it relentlessly.
We are encouraged to go beyond what we currently have.
Enough is when that internal clock tells you that you shouldn’t be going for that extra.
Usually when you are eating, there is something called a satisfaction point.
It’s the point before your stomach starts to stretch itself to accommodate that extra spoon of rice.
Where eating is no longer for pleasure but out of greed or survival.

Update added on 3/11/2020: Most of this piece was done more than 3weeks ago but something happened last night.
I got texts from two people in both situations, there was enough said to make me turn my head.
Reconsider.
Re-explore.
Be discontent.
But I am thankful for the thoughts that reminded me to focus on me. What I have and I am building.
Staying where I am chosen and not seeking more, the more may seem glamorous but isn’t always so.
Contentment is being okay in the unknown but having faith and discernment to hold firm.

Abundance comes with responsibility.
Ease of access comes with self-control – in any walk of life.
As I grow and morph into better versions of myself, I hope I retain the ability to say no when I don’t even have to ask the thing in question.

Till next time, stay up!

Please Leave a Comment Below!

Thank you for reading!

Please comment, retweet and share. Thank you for your continued support.
You are highly appreciated.

#WordsOfWednesday
© 2020 #WhatTheHeckMan

Fiction

I Choose You: To the Man, I Want to Be

Eniiwaju. Adewus. The Wordsmith. Legend.

Eniiwaju,

Thank you for persevering, for evolving and believing in yourself even when the chips are down.
You are gifted, talented and a kind person.
Some may read those and think I’m arrogant but after spending much of my adult life doubting and being afraid of my genius, I am reclaiming my slay.

The concept of the man I want to be has been sitting with me lately. People make the jokes about turning 30 soon and getting old or achieving this or that but the truth it, I just want to be a good man.
I want to be a man that my friends are proud of, that my parents and family rely on and that God is delighted in.

Earlier this week, I was faced with having an uncomfortable conversation with a friend. Tell the truth and hurt their feelings or be silent and it would blow over. I spoke up.
It was still hard but it’s more of the man I want to be.
A man of his word even in the most difficult.
29 is about challenging myself to be my best. I will be the man I am proud.
Thank you for watching me grow over the last 6-7years.
More creativity coming and more of Adewus, The Wordsmith that you will be proud to call your own.

Let’s get it! But before that, let’s review 2019 and project aspects of 2020.

Happy Birthday to Me!

This is me all through 29.

Faith: I started reading my bible again and truly taking my service in his vineyard more serious. We are on the path to redemption and taking my place in my home.

2019 Final Score – C+
2020 Expected Score – B+

Fitness: I’m back in physical therapy. It will go a long way towards me being whole again. I am also back in therapy, so mind and body will be touched this year.
I completed the 75Hard Challenge which was 75 days on a strict regimen. If for that alone, I killed 2019. More to come!

2019 Final Score – B+
2020 Expected Score – A

Creativity: I need an editor. I have so much written already. To my old editor, I know you will read this. You working with me on this forged a huge part of our friendship as well, let’s actually start our journey back?Y’all should beg my editor to come back o. If you want good and consistent content, they need to come back to full-time work. Seriously.

2019 Final Score – C-
2020 Expected Score – A

Finances: Around this time last year, God blessed me with a nice promotion to kick off the year. It was unexpected.
When I was laid-off in June and finished working in June, I was shook and depressed. I had goals! I had things to pay off. So much I wanted to do.
It derailed me a bit and that is why the score I have given myself is lower than I expected/projected but I think the thing it most emphasized is the fact that I need to save more and be extra diligent with my planning.
God almost doubled my financial blessings last year and I am so grateful. It has already positioned me to be able to do more.
I am going to be really aggressive this year.
So….

2019 Final Score – C+
2020 Expected Score – A+

Relationships: I have already committed to doing love right this year. I want to do it without fear, caution or trepidation.
Last year hurt. Like my love life was the ghetto – ratatata. I was stressed and unhappy.
I am ready this year.
First step this year is self-love. I am back in therapy and I am going to take care of me first before opening the door to external love.
My biggest prayer is that I am ready for the woman ready to choose me without fear and love me unapologetically.

2019 Final Score – F
2020 Expected Score – B

I will be back to update you on 2020 in 2021 but till we get there, let’s enjoy so much content to blow your mind this year.
Remember, you are AMAZING and I will celebrate you and with you all year.
Happy Birthday to US!

Thanks for reading as always!

Thank you for commenting. Here is to a fun 2020!
You are highly appreciated.

WordsOfWednesday/Birthday!

© 2020 #WhatTheHeckMan

Fiction

Bang!

We come to the people that hurt us for healing or decide we won’t move or heal until they validate the hurt they caused us.

– Adewus

Today I had a conversation with an abuser.
It was simple.
The FaceTime call came in, I answered at the office and the person asked one question.

“How do you know this girl?”

Not “how was work?. How are you?”
A woman I had never met before.

The next hour would be spent talking through their feelings, assumptions and perfections of me.
Then I stopped.
I noticed that my mood had changed, I was upset.
Heavy hearted.
And then thankfully, I had the presence of mind to remind myself that this wasn’t about me.

Said person had made me doubt myself before, question my purest thoughts and even start to feel like I was unworthy of love.
It got me thinking, why do we allow ourselves to go blind to the dangerous things that burned us before?
There is a need to continue to litigate our hurt and pain. We want to fully understand, conceptualize, rationalize it and then play chess master in trying to run the game again to this time, avoid the same outcome.
It hardly ever works.

Recently, I was exploring a friendship that I have been nurturing in private for almost a year. I started to ask myself recently, why haven’t we argued or fought? What is going on?
A part of me was unable to understand why the relationship wasn’t like some of the toxic ones I have had in my past.
And then it dawned on me, you have to actively realize that you are deserving of healthy liberating and empowering friendship and love.

Most of my sense of style comes from my father and growing up, he was always very particular about how we treated our clothes.
Most especially our church clothes.
He would love his shit if he saw us running around in them or not being proper in our Sunday best.
He used to say “it is not about the clothes really but some people will stain your clothes; knowingly and unknowingly”
Some know that their hands are dirty.
Others are unaware but if you allow yourself to continue spending time in spaces that have mud, whether they meant it or not, you will get stained.
Leaving the door open to an abuser is a direct bath to misery. Not always because they intend to but because that all they bring to the table.

You don’t kick someone out, change the locks and then give them the new code to your house so they can see how beautiful it is inside.

-Adewus

I’ve been actively running from friendships that don’t bring me peace, ground me while lifting me up.
As someone who immensely feels things, “losing” friends can be extremely hard but as I get older and wiser, I am starting to understand the value of protecting my peace. My sanity. My peace of mind.
Those things are not “pretty”. They are not always pronounced or easily discoverable like confidence or the glow but they are incredibly important.

It is also important to understand the triggers and the ways we enable abuse in our own lives. We have to take responsibility for it.
Most importantly, we have to we have to keep all the negatives out.
You don’t kick someone out, change the locks and then give them the new code to your house so they can see how beautiful it is inside.
Nobody does that.
You are responsible for genuine happiness and growth this 2020.
So block her, don’t call him back, delete his album on your phone. Breathe.
You got this.
Take control of your peace. You will be better for it. Your world will be grateful for it.

Till next time,

Stay Up!

Please Leave a Comment Below!

Thank you for reading!

Please comment, retweet and share. Thank you for your continued support.
You are highly appreciated.

#WordsOfWednesday
© 2020 #WhatTheHeckMan

Fiction

Alarms

WordsOfWednesday

Alarms.

I remember the two times in my life that I slept through an alarm. The most recent was a couple of years ago after returning from Nigeria. I was so tired and sick but I had planned to go into work the day after I got back (bad idea).
I woke up around 3am and I couldn’t go back to sleep. Nothing was working.
So I decided to drink some NyQuil.
My thoughts were “at least it would knock me out for a few hours”

A few hours turned to waking up at 12pm. My manager in New York had called a few times looking for me and such, I was stunned when I woke up.
I stared at my phone and thought it was a mistake.
It wasn’t. I fixed the situation by thinking on my feet but damn it got me.

Alarms are annoying.
They are loud, obnoxious and necessary. Many times, anything that is a combination of all those things is not typically fancied.
They interrupt beautiful unearned but deserved sleep and cut short those dreams of you and Idris Elba or better yet, you and I.
Freaking alarms!
They however, are the focus of my piece today.

A few days ago, I began to think about how we use alarms in reference to our goals.
Many of us ignore the first alarm aka the first opportunity to take a leap at something.
Think about it, most of the ideas/goals/dreams/opportunities you have, come from various places but most fail to act the first time.
How many times have you thought about that business?
Or that trip? That job or that relationship?
And how many times have you hit snooze?

Alarms are similar to those goals.
We love to ignore the first sound of them, the first time the challenge comes or the first jolt into a new level.
We silence it.
And even for those that have decided to step up to the challenge, many still don’t.
You know how?
They set multiple alarms back to back. Basically using them as a safety net.
Eventually getting up but taking the long way and ignoring the calls to action.

Imagine not executing because you have placed multiple fail safes along the way. But what happens when you snooze too long and you “oversleep”?
Miss your opportunity to get ahead or set the tone? That you take your time and wait but someone else has now executed on your vision or gained more of the market share.
Many of us miss out on chances to be great because we ignore the first alarm. The first sound, call to action or simply, the first reminder.
Now I am not asking you to jump at everything immediately. There is value in being strategic.
But always know this, there is not fatigue felt on the day of victory.
I am not like Steve Harvey telling you not to sleep, please enjoy your sleep but remember you are working towards a life where alarms are not annoying but simple reminders of new opportunities for greatness.

Next time you hear the first sound at being great, jump at it.
You’ll be better for it and so will the rest of your world.
Till next time, stay up.

Stay Up!

Thank you for reading!

Please comment, retweet and share. Thank you for your continued support.
You are highly appreciated.

#WordsOfWednesday
© 2019 #WhatTheHeckMan

Fiction

The August Visitor

4 Prayer Points at August Holy Ghost Service

  • The perfect job for me by Monday night and (redacted). The offer came on a Monday afternoon.
  • (redacted)
  • Perfect healing for me, mummy and everyone in my family.
  • Divine happiness this year and explosive miracles.

On June 28th, I walked into my office in San Francisco. It was a regular Friday – nothing special.
Well, except my boss was going on vacation for 3weeks.
I was kinda stoked. Not because he was annoying or overbearing but I was planning a vacation as well.

My boss had scheduled a meeting for that afternoon. It was unusual because we typically met on Wednesdays and Thursdays if needed.
I totally saw nothing of it.
I walked in and I was told that the business had decided to cut my vertical and essentially put jobs of almost 350 people in limbo.

That weekend, I battled through shock and depression to clean up my resume and start applying. July 4th holiday was the following week. I battled through this unexpected news to go out and hang out with friends.


It has been a rollercoaster ride.
From certainty to doubt and disbelief while sadness continued to show its ugly face.
In May, a lot had happened that caused me to tap into my savings and essentially drain it for family stuff.
So when this happened in June, I questioned God.
I would randomly burst into tears and begin to imagine how I would be able to take care of my family and my bills.
I was like God, you made me the head to now put me to shame?

One song that I always sang through it all was Freke Umoh’s “You Are My God”
We cannot call on your name
and end up in shame (no way)
We cannot kneel before Jesus
and kneel before a man (no way no)
I cannot bow before Yahweh
And bow to recession (no way no)
(No way, no way)
I cannot cry before the Lord
And cry to depression
(No way, no way)
You are my God
You are my God
You are my God
You are my God

I kept saying there is no way I could worship and serve you and you will let me be put to shame!
No way!
I would sing that song over and over! I could never finish singing it without crying.

Very quickly, a company reached out to me and I was sure they were the one. Their office was in Oakland and so close to the house. I was so happy that I would not need to drive far and I would have a job really quickly after leaving the other one.
Welp.
The interview went well and I got some useless rejection email.
God said “I have better for you”

I must say that through it all, EVERY ONE of the few people I told about my situation was incredibly confident that I would get something soon.
Confident to the point of arrogance that it somewhat annoyed me. Like I’m out here unemployed and you are here confident I’ll get another one. How???
I kept pushing.

More interviews rolled in after one powerful Holy Ghost Service at church – August 2nd.
We were told to write down 4 things we wanted by the end of the month. I wrote mine in this same note page that I’m writing this and I kept praying.
I am writing this mid-air on the way to Cancun for my friend’s bachelor party with 2 offers in hand and waiting on more.
I knew I was going to share this with you all once God did it. When I got my last job, I know how much it inspired many people that reached out to me. That same God did not put me to shame.

Imagine that leaving that job, I have been blessed with a 41% salary increase. It is unbelievable how this God moves!
Before I left my last job, I was annoyed that I was only given a 4% increase in a year that saw “exceptional growth and promotion” – their words.

I remember a few years ago when God had blessed me with a promotion and I was trying to record an IG video and I burst into tears, some people teased me and called me names for crying in public.
But believe me when I say this, this God is tooooooo good o! And I will never be shamed into hiding what he has done for me and my loved ones.

I was kinda tense about when the job would land in my hands. Let me tell you about the day it came – I was in the gym working out when I got the official offer letter.
When I saw the amount they were giving me and the perks – I literally laid down face flat, sweaty and broke into tears on the gym floor.
Nobody likes embarrassment but if that’s how he wants to keep blessing me and showing out, I am here for it 100%

A song that has been in my heart over this trying period is Mercy Chinwo’s Omekannaya.
There is a part of that song that says
“They may not understand
How far you’ve brought me
Man may not understand”

I cried o. Even as I was going through it, people were calling me and demanding or wanting things – me that I was deep in my valley. I remember tweeting something to that effect.

It literally humbles me and reminds me that this God that created the earth and the 7billion in it, knows me by name and treats me special.
For those of you going through a trying time and wondering why and if God is listening, he totally is and he is working a miracle for you.
Hold on and keep the faith. Never stop praying and believing. He is never late, he is always on time.
Ask that he allows you to let his will be done and that you are aligned with what he wants for you.

Let me tell you, that same job that I was crying about, that same company just fired 50% of its staff.
And the stock dropped billions of dollars and I am on a new team that respects and values me and my input.
A few weeks ago another song kept me going – Mercy Chinwo’s Incredible God.
Extraordinary strategist, impossibility specialist,
You made the earth your footstool, Incredible God.
You’re seated in heaven,

This God knew that ship would sink and he removed me from it, put me on dry land and kept me.
Life will throw curveballs at you but God is playing a completely different game on a totally different level.
Your life and story will be a testimony – I truly believe it.
Thanks for continuing to rock with me. I’ll be here to celebrate with you.

Till 2020,

Stay Up!

Thank you for reading!

Please comment, retweet and share. Thank you for your continued support. See you all in 2020!
You are highly appreciated.

#WordsOfWednesday
© 2019 #WhatTheHeckMan

#WordsofWednesday · Life · Nigerian Writers

Start to Finish: Deciding to Win at life!

#WordsOfWednesday

Start to Finish

Written by @adewus4real

When was the last time you were truly in love?
And it blossomed into a beautiful garden?
When was the last time you started and finished something?
For most people, you are still reading but passively trying to remember the last thing you saw till the end.
The last time you stuck to a diet or finished a project.
What about that thing that you promised to learn how to do?

I’ve been thinking about the idea of completion and how it fosters confidence and growth.
Thinking about my life, I realized there weren’t many things that I have truly seen through.
Of course, I can count my two degrees and such but how many goals over the years have I been committed to all the way?
How many times have I decided to lose weight and quit once I started seeing some progress or life trials came knocking?
How many times did I decide to jump back in and once I dipped my toes in, I got flustered and ran?
Continuously, we fail to follow through.
It doesn’t make us bad people or people without integrity, sometimes life is just – hard.

But over the course of the month of June, I decided to take up ONE thing and crush it.
And that was my fitness.
I committed to going to the gym/working out at least 4-5 times a week.


From the picture above, you can see that I did it.
The confidence I got from that is what I am now transferring to my daily routines – skincare, teeth hygiene, prayer and daily devotion.
I used to get weary about being able to continue something for a long time or the rest of my life.
A part of me realized that it was because I was trying to build steady routines in 5 conflicting areas of my life at once.
I had to step back and carefully reassess.

I started the #75HardChallenge on Sept 1st and I am not just looking at it to be a physical transformation but a reminder that I truly can do this.
Completely reset my whole thinking and tap into a level of grit that I have never really tapped into.

Today I’m writing this to encourage myself and you as well. Select ONE thing, one muscle that you can strengthen over the next month or so. Once you complete that, you can translate it to something else and then another and another.
For me, I kept thinking about how relationships are and how I have some anxiety about being stable for long periods of time.
I had to remind myself to stay small.
Conquer a month, then two and then six before you know it, you know how to do it.

So pick up that book, go on that date, hit the gym again or just take time out to love yourself each day.
There is beauty in completion. There is strength in perseverance.
One of my favorite quotes says “there is no fatigue felt on the day of victory.” I agree completely.
So what are you committing to over the next month?

Please leave a comment below. (can you do that? lol)

Stay up!

Thank you for reading!

Please comment, retweet and share. Thank you for your continued support.
You are highly appreciated. 

#WordsOfWednesday
© 2019 #WhatTheHeckMan

#WordsofWednesday

Pills, Pain & Depression

Pills, Pain & Depression

As I write this, I am standing and leaning on my standing desk at the office.
My right leg is folded and on my desk chair behind me.
This morning, it was hard to get out of bed as it sometimes has been for many days in the past 3 years.

On August 12, it will mark 3 years since I tore my ACL playing football.
It was a non-contact injury. I overstretched for a pass and I heard it pop and crack. Everyone told me to get up and stop being dramatic and put ice on it.
I did that for a few weeks before getting an MRI – blown meniscus on both sides and a torn ACL.
3 surgeries later, the pain is still very familiar as is the sinking feeling in my stomach every single time I think of playing again.
I love(d) playing, competing and just being amongst other men.

I remember I would save up all my aggression and road rage until I was ready to go and play on Saturday mornings. I would yell at people, pick fights and just let loose.
And for 3 years now, that outlet has not been there.
Thinking back to who I was before the injury and who I am now, one thing is clear, I’ve changed.
I was a bit more social, although I felt like that side of me was fading.
I was going out less and trying to focus more on honing the man I wanted to be. Now, it is almost impossible to get me out of bed, even to go and get my check daily.

Many mornings, I wake up before my alarm and lay there. There is a warm sensation in my right shin and my knee is always sore.
I am used to popping pills – only pain pills. I have had people recommend CBD oils and marijuana for pain management but mehhhh.
I don’t like myself and not because I love myself any less but not many people know what it feels like to not feel whole.
To not feel complete.
Body parts are complete but not functioning right and it is incredibly hard to explain to anyone.
So yes, you start to want to take less care of yourself. I remember one evening, I was in so much pain I cried and then I punched my knee for 3 minutes.
It obviously swole like Agege bread in water but I didn’t care.
I was angry and depressed.

For years, I battled suicidal ideation and depression on many fronts. Like knowing the things that triggered me and how best to avoid them.
But how do you avoid your own body?
Knowing that you are basically the one keeping the door open.
Somedays, it is the quickest mood switch and it makes it hard on the people that love you.
Yesterday, for example, I was talking to someone I truly enjoy talking to but I was in so much pain that I immediately got into a sour mood.
I didn’t want to speak or be spoken too.
That is who I am now but it is not who I am and that itself depresses me further.

Somedays, the pills work. Therapy works. Love works. Prayer works.
And then it doesn’t.
Then I am left with my thoughts and tears.
And when I smile, people think I am happy. People invite me to things and some have even stopped inviting me because everything feels like a chore.
Taking the trash out, driving to the airport or practice or simply giving a fuck.
I know I don’t want to be this person or live my life in pain and surrounded by pills.

There is not much you can do.
Say a prayer if you can.
But I know there are many like me out there. Smiling but hurting.
Beautiful smiles like mine (been told) but broken “bones”.
Remember to go that extra mile to check on people, even the ones that promise you they are fine.
Behind the smiles, the truth lies and the truth they say hurts but this pain, this one hurts more.

Thanks for reading as always!

Thank you for commenting. Here is to a fun 2019!
You are highly appreciated. 

#WordsOfWednesday
© 2019 #WhatTheHeckMan

#WhatTheHeckMan · #WordsofWednesday · African · African Fiction · African Stories · Art · Bloggers · Drama · Erotica · Fiction · Life · Nigerian Writers · Oakland · Poetry · Sex · Stories · TheRants · TheRantsShow · Uncategorized · Wirting

The Fixer

The Fixer

“I am so tired.
I am tired. I don’t need any encouraging words or “it will get better”
I am tired.
For the last 10 days, I have been dealing with family stuff as someone has been unexpectedly and worryingly sick in my immediate family.
Putting on a strong face and trying to keep it all together but dying inside.
I am so stressed. I want to cry every day but I feel like I am too strong. I need to be strong to hold it all together.
Parking was a fucking shit show this morning because of stupid construction happening in the fucking high of the day!
Took me over an hour to park. I hate everyone and everything.
My parents lied!
They promised me, forced me to get stupid degrees and promised to pay my student loans.
I make enough but the costs never stop.

Like that was money I was still thinking I would use to buy the rest of the shit I need for Nigeria or even pay for lodging!
I just want to close my eyes and everything ends.
I am tired.

I don’t want to feel all this pain.
I don’t want to be strong.
Don’t fucking know why I am typing this to you but idk.
FUCK THIS SHIT!”

I hit send on the text message, placed my phone to the side of my bed and I closed my eyes.
Seconds later, my mind was racing. I was filled with remorse and regretting even opening up.
I wanted to pick up my phone but this was not WhatsApp, this message was not getting deleted or erased.

The sunlight beamed through the blinds as I woke up. I picked up my phone and looked at the notification panel.
1:38pm.
Fuck! How did I sleep for so long?

I sluggishly got up, weaving through my notifications and apps, I ignored my bible app reminder and went straight for my iMessage.
As I pulled it up, I noticed that my message from the night before had been read four hours prior but no reply.

Fucking Kamal.

……

“Tobi, where are you?”

I heard him chuckle over the phone and he replied

“Chill, I’m coming”

I growled and snapped back

“Tobi, you said you have been coming since morning. If you couldn’t come, you should have just told me and I would have found a way to come and get it.
Where are you now, so I can come and get it?”

I could tell my anger took him by surprise as he said

“I’m already on my way to you. I’m bringing it”

I replied

“How long?!”

“15minutes”

He snarled back.

Click. The call was over.

The next roughly 15minutes were sooo annoying!
One thing I hate more than anything else is being made to wait.
I needed that bag and what is more annoying is that I gladly would have gone to get it myself.
But here I was waiting on someone who didn’t see the urgency in what I needed.

When he pulled up, I opened the door and let him in.
His first words didn’t help because I was doing everything within my power to not snatch my purse from him.
He smiled and said

“Why are you so angry?”

I took a deep breath and said

“Tobi, give me my purse”

He started trying to play hookie with me by running around the coffee table in the center of my living room.
I was so angry and I charged at him.
He ducked and turned around the couch, he was now standing between the couch and my dining table.
I stopped to catch my breath and I said

“Tobi, please give me my purse. I am tired abeg”

He smiled and started walking towards me with his hands behind his back, both on my purse.
I walked towards him and we were soon standing within inches of each other.
He leaned in and tried to kiss me.
I weaved and moved my head as I said

“Tobi stop. Just please give me my purse. I’m really tired”

He smirked and said

“Not giving it to you until you give me a kiss”

I turned around to walk away. I was boiling inside.
He tried to grab my forearm as I turned away. In one swoop, I swung around and smacked his hand.
There was a look of pure shock on his face, he clearly didn’t think I was going to hit him that hard.
He pulled his hand out and stretched my purse towards me.

I collected it and sluggishly walked into the room.
I opened the bag and began shuffling in the purse for what I was looking for.
I couldn’t find it.
I couldn’t fucking find it!
My eyes were getting cloudy and my heart was racing. I turned the contents of the purse on to the bed.
A parking ticket I had been putting off was amongst the contents. I hissed as I rummaged through the bag still looking for the item.
No luck.

I could feel my breath leaving me.
I got up and went towards my bedside desk. Opening the drawer, I started looking for it there.
Nothing.
I walked back to the bed and sat down.
At this point, the tears were coming down my face.
I was afraid.
My mind went blank. The last time I saw it, I was putting it into my purse.
So where could it have gone?
I stood up to head into the living room. As I stood up, I felt my legs give way and I slumped with the back of my head catching the corner of my bed.
The last thing I heard was Tobi bursting into my room.
I saw his legs as he bent next to me and lifted my head into his arms.

He kept calling my name.
I was slowly forgetting mine.
My eyes shut.

…..

“Do you know when the last time she took her medication was?”

Those were the first words I heard as I was getting wheeled into the emergency room. There was no way Tobi could have known.

As they parked the bed, the doctors tried to ask me some questions. I roughly remember what I said.
Soon there was a drip going into my forearm and I felt myself drifting off again. The last thing I remember was motioning weakly to Tobi who was sitting next to me, he rode up and stood over me.
I sheepishly whispered

“Kamal.”

He looked confused. I whispered again

“Call Kamal”

When I woke up about 5hours later, Tobi and Kamal were sitting on opposite sides of the bed, flanking me.
I could feel the tension between them. It was like a cloud over the open bed space.
Tobi must have used my Face ID to get into my phone which was what I expected anyways and Kamal, while worried about me, must have not understood why Tobi was there.

I slowly sat up and said

“Have you two met?”

Tobi shook his head and said

“I just called him like you asked”

My lips were chapped and my throat was dry. I swallowed hard and said

“Thank you”

I looked over at Kamal and smiled before continuing

“I told you to call Kamal because he knew my medication and would have been able to tell the doctors”

Kamal jumped in and said

“Yes, I told them already and they gave you a drip and a refill, you should be good to leave here later tonight or tomorrow if you want”

I slid back into the bed.
I could tell that Tobi was dying inside, I could see it on his face. He didn’t know why I fainted and here I was asking another man to come and meet us at the hospital. But, I was not about to explain at that time. I was too weak.
He tried to hold it together for a bit and then he said

“Hey- So I have to go and take care of some work stuff.
Will you let me know when you get discharged?”

I nodded.
He leaned in gave me a hug and then that “man” nod to Kamal before walking out.

As he walked out, I turned to look at Kamal.
He smiled without saying anything. I asked

“What?”

He smiled and said

“Nothing o. You just know how to pick them”

Slightly embarrassed, I replied

“I didn’t even do anything”

He smiled even more and said

“Yeah right, you never do”

He continued and said

“How are you feeling? I was worried when I got the call”

I looked down on the bed and said

“I’m fine to be honest, I just didn’t take my meds because I couldn’t find them.
But I’m good honestly”

He said

“Are you sure?”

I nodded and said

“You know me, I’m good”

He said okay and then he asked

“Are we still on for this weekend, now that you have decided to put me in a death scare”

I replied

“Ori e” – translates to “Your head” before continuing to say

“Honestly, I should be good with a day of rest and icing my head. I think I hit it on the bed when I fell.
Hurts like a MF”

He replied and said

“Lmaooooo its because your head is so big”

If I could have punched him, I totally would have.

…..

As we pulled up to the venue, I noticed that he still had his drink in the door of the car.

“You’re supposed to have finished drinking that already?”

I whined.
He smiled, picked up the bottle and downed what was left of it. I knew it was going to be a good night.
We walked to the venue and I suggested that we grab drinks before the show started.
We snuck into the connected bar and sat by the bar.

His eyes kept wandering as he was amazed by the setup. There were video games everywhere.
We ordered our drinks and I saw him googling “Mario Kart games on PlayStation 4”. Such a big kid.
I asked the bartender to surprise me with my drink and I think he ordered a Red Bull.
We took our drinks and headed into the venue, the show was about to start.
As we approached the door, we got stopped and were told to get our tickets at the box office. So we walked all the way back to the front, got the tickets and then headed in.

I could tell how handsome he looked by the stank eyes most of the ladies flashed at me. He kept beaming that smile behind me and I was all here for it.
We sat right next to each other but he turned my seat, so my back was to him and we faced the stage.
The entire show, bar when he was on his phone, his hands were on my bum.
I couldn’t wait for us to get out of there.

The show was fun. Lots of laugh, improv nights are always my favorite.
We walked out talking about threesomes – we had seen a lady with a beautiful butt. So beautiful.
I can’t remember who suggested it but we ended up at a club, a few drinks and fist pumping, I was ready to go. I had wanted to jump his bones since I picked him up at the airport.
As we walked out, I noticed this white girl who had come up to me in the club.

She was sitting down on the floor with a cup of ice.
I asked

“What happened? You left me in there”

She was so drunk and even attempting to respond to me, she knocked over her cup of ice and she looked so distraught. I felt bad but I rushed out of there so quick!
We made it to the car and I couldn’t wait to get us home. He was playing music and we were having a great time in the car and then he asked

“How far away from the house are we?”

I nonchalantly replied

“About 5 minutes”

He smiled and once we hit a red light, he leaned over and kissed me.
Then he slid his left hand up my skirt. I couldn’t concentrate.
My legs started shaking and my breathing short. He slid my panties to the side and began rubbing my clit.
I was squirming while trying to keep the car steady.
What the fuck?
I could feel the chills rising up my back. I wanted to close my eyes and let go but we were almost home.
I remember veering out of my lane and my car beeping to alert me.
I was alert alright, my pussy was ready for a beating.
To cap it off, he removed his hand, looked at me and licked my juices off his fingers.

As we pulled in the parking lot, I quickly parked.
I could hear Lil Wayne’s verse on The Motto playing in the background as he reclined my seat.
He leaned in as if he was about to kiss me. I was wrong.
He reached up my skirt and pulled my panties down.
Kissed me on the forehead and hopped out of the car.
I was soooooooo angry!
Like wtf?!

I gathered myself, pulled my skirt down and hopped out of the car.
There he was standing in the middle of the parking lot, all 6’3 260lbs of him. His left hand was to his face.
As I got closer, I realized he was holding my panties to his nose.
We entered my apartment and he sat down on the couch, I made him a drink and pulled down his pants.
I was ready to go.

His moans were my favorite part. His hands running through my hair as he cursed and told me

“This is the best head ever”

My inner thot smiled.
I stroked and slurped down his shaft, soaking his balls and drinking on to my leather couch.
I wanted all of him deep in my throat and in my guts.
He tried to fight it but wasn’t very successful.
He went silent as I stroked his dick with my left hand and juggled his balls with my right hand.
He pushed me off and walked me back to the room.

He climbed on the bed and laid on his back.
I climbed on the bed and planted my pussy on his face before leaning forward and taking in his dick – 69.
It was wet on both ends of the coast as we feasted on each other.
He pushed me off as I came and was about to lean into me, there is a full length mirror at the foot of my bed, I caught a glimpse of myself.
As I laid down, I spread my legs wide. He lowered his member into me and started slow.
Cupping my head in his hand and protecting it from the head board, he thrust in and out.
The pace picked up and my profanity did as well.
He was hitting it right.
His grip on my thighs was as hot as the depths his dick was exploring.
I could see the hunger in his eyes.
He pounded me like candied yams. I was loving it.

When he flipped me over, I was ready.
I arched my back and tooted my ass towards him. He smiled and slide into me.
I could still feel how wet his balls were as they slammed into my clit.
He grabbed the shit out of my waist and he went to work. It was as if we hadn’t seen each other in 3 months.
He kept at it and so did I, throwing it back like a third draft of a senior thesis.

I could feel welling up and getting ready with his canon.
So I wrapped my legs around his butt.
He was leaning all the way into me, I was almost falling off the bed as he pounded my pleading pussy.
I wanted it. More of it.
All of it.
He didn’t stop.
I wouldn’t let him stop.
Just as he was about to let go, I looked back, damn near from the floor and yelled

“Fill me up”

Boom.
He grunted.
Moaned and pumped me full of his warm seed.
I lay there for a few minutes as he curled up next to me panting for air.
I turned over and said

“Where are my panties?”

He smiled and said

“You’re never getting them back”

It was going to be a long weekend and I was going to enjoy every minute of it.
I rolled over in the bed as he got up and headed to the bathroom.

The lights went on and then he said

“The condom broke”

 

Welcome to my first series of 2019! Expect a lot more this year. That’s all I’m saying.
Oh also, please leave me a comment and share your thoughts. Thanks!

 

PLEASE COMMENT. 

~Part 2 drops next Saturday! Do not miss it~

Follow @adewus4real

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

#SanmiSaturdays

© 2019 #WhatTheHeckMan

#WhatTheHeckMan · #WordsofWednesday · Poetry

28.

It’s 2019, well March, so I guess should finally post.
Here is to 28.

  • I hate mint gum. It tastes like trash tbh and anything mint related is TRASH. Sorry Ninz.
  • I always wear socks
  • I have road rage. My friends always talk crap about it but truth is, we all have it biko. Me I just don’t hide my own.
  • I have 3 siblings that I absolutely adore.
  • I always, ALWAYS, fall asleep in the movie theater.
  • My life goal is to be impactful – in art, music, philanthropy, faith, food, family and everything. Literally in everything I do.
  • My longest relationship lasted 4years and 11months. She is happily married. Free it.
  • My go to fast food order is at Chic Fil A. Even though I don’t go there often but I get a large strawberry milkshake, large fries, a spicy chicken deluxe, chicken tenders and chicken nuggets with tons of chic-fil-a sauce and Polynesian sauce.
  • I was born in 1991. Duh! Isn’t that why I am writing 28 of these?
  • I am 6’1+ but no one really cares about the extra, so we don’t talk about.
  • My idea of a dream date is something chill tbh. Some take out, green, drinks, physical activity, and a view.
  • I hate theme parks – rides make me sick and want to throw up. Don’t judge!
  • My celebrity crushes include Stefflon Don, Seyi Shay and someone I cannot mention.
  • My pet peeves include people constantly trying to act like victims. We all suck. Get over it.
  • In my free time, I love to play FIFA, write and be left the hell alone.
  • I love watching Nature documentaries
  • My artistic role model is David Attenborough
  • I am happiest with my family in my life.
  • My favorite color is maroon but favorite color to wear is black. I look really good in black.
  • My favorite value in friendship is understanding.
  • I use a MacBook and I need a new one. So if you want to bless me with one, do the needful.
  • I was born in Sacramento, California.
  • Right now, I feel relieved that I am finally writing and posting this almost two months after it was initially supposed to go up.
  • My favorite moment from y childhood was spending Christmas at my grandparents with my cousins from all over. RIP Grandparents.
  • I will describe myself as a complex person that is simple to understand.
  • I want to visit Asia this year.
  • I work for a tech startup.

2018 was a lot of things and I think it knocked my confidence a bit. I was searching for it in certain spaces, searching for validation and encouragement but failing to remind myself that I am freaking awesome and I deserve the best.

For the better part of the last few years, I have settled for less because I didn’t always believe my slay and I walked in the world like my previous mistakes didn’t qualify me for happiness.

Enough of that nonsense. 2019 has to be better. I deserve multiple upgrades, open doors, and orgasms. Yeah, I said it.

Finances: We have started the year well. God blessed me with a sweet promotion to start out the year and I have been walking in that spirit so far. Saving has always been a struggle for me but so far, I am able to put somethings aside and feel empowered to save. So that feels really good.
Goal is to clear all of my active debt by September. That includes credit cards that are not bringing any value and the likes.
One after the other, they must go.

Expected Score – A+

Relationships: I have not really enjoyed a relationship like my longest one and the start of my last one. Some days, I worry that I don’t even know how to do relationships and romantic love anymore. Like it legit scares me.
Part of really loving someone is being very humble and learning the person to the core. Also forming a strong relationship that most times translates to a deep bond. Loving shouldn’t be performative or hinged on reciprocity. No part of it should be vindictive or holding on to wrongdoing.
I got so used to the type where you would fight or argue and not talk for two weeks or whatever. Like it became normal after loving people that I couldn’t go 24hrs without talking to.

I used to think I was great for anyone but my focus has now been praying for my own person. IF God has already put that person in my life, then helping us connect on that and if they coming, then God keep me patient for them and vigilant. I don’t want to end the year single, again.

Expected Score – C+

Faith: I thank God for never giving up on me. I am working on being much closer and aligned with him. Just letting him have his way with me and my life.

Expected Score – B-

Fitness: I think owning my diet is the biggest hurdle to jump here and I am actively working on it. Reminding myself that I am on a journey and just putting one foot before the other.

Expected Score – B

Creativity: I am inspired again. Once I stopped searching for perfection or comparing myself to others. Look out, I will be pushing my boundaries this year.

Expected Score – A

Thanks for reading as always!

Thank you for commenting. Here is to a fun 2019!
You are highly appreciated. 

#WordsOfWednesday
© 2019 #WhatTheHeckMan

#WordsofWednesday · Fiction · Poetry

We Rise by Lifting Others

#WordsOfWednesday

Life Support

For weeks now, I have been trying to stop and write about this.
It’s been eating me for a while and over the course of this post, I will drop some familiar quotes that you may have heard.

As we get older, many of us are finding purpose in life, monetizing talents and honestly just trying to make our hustles come good for us.
As you become an “owner”, you start to find that support is weird. It’s something you know you’re not entitled to but you crave and demand in certain spaces.

“Not everyone is like you”

The aforementioned quote is important and I’ll speak to it shortly.
But, about not being entitled to support and still demanding it.
We all know that in life, nothing is promised.
Nothing is given and almost everything is earned.
By virtue of that quote, you cannot be entitled to someone’s support.
And let’s be clear, when I speak about support, I don’t mean support in being an abusive partner, I mean tangible support to greatness.

To me it should be simple, if I know you personally and I respect you, you almost automatically have my support.
That means if you are my friend and you start a business or start to chase your dreams, I will be with you.
Monetarily if I can and sometimes by just being another voice spreading the word about whatever you are doing.
Secondly, if you are someone I know in passing (Twitter, IG or in social space) and you have a sound product, I will support you as well.

I feel challenged to do good everyday, so in spaces that I find myself, I offer support.
That means buying from my friends and not expecting things for free. Or retweeting every damn thing they post and shouting them out when I can.
Look, it is not easy and honestly, I don’t think people that fail to support are evil people.
I just think as we get older, means of showing love and support should become more tangible.
It’s not enough to say you care about me but you haven’t listened to a single episode of my show all year or say you support your friend but you patronize big brands instead of their handmade or original stuff.

If you are a lazy friend, more than likely, you come off as an unsupportive friend.
It’s hard enough in a saturated social media space to carve a niche but you expect to rely on those you love to at least help you get off your feet.
Look, in the first few months of my show

“Subscribe here to my weekly radio show/podcast on iTunes. Rate us and leave us a comment if you will please”

I used to ping my friends before we went live.
Like hey,
“are you listening? We are live”
But as we go live this week, I don’t “need” my friends to have an impactful show.
But I also know how I got here, some of my friends listened every week, told others about what I do, shared my art and helped me grow.
And I owe that to everyone I care about and respect.

What sucks is when you have people who won’t actively support you.
I have a friend who is very popular in her field. Doesn’t actively support me, but supports similar brands. Now it could be because my shit sucks, which I doubt or she doesn’t care.
But recently she got nominated for an award and wanted to win badly.
Suddenly, it was “guys please log in here and vote for me”.
And I’m like sis what????
We all didn’t start at the same time but if you have been blessed with a following or a large platform, use it to be supportive.

“We rise by lifting others”

I love people that live for shouting out their friends.
It’s so beautiful to watch.

“Your support can be your currency”

Look sometimes you can’t actively support your friends.
My friend Eche, CEO of Afropolitan Group based in SF.
Has many events, sometimes weekly and I cannot attend all of them.
But I can retweet when he posts and encourage others to attend.
Or some who have friends that make expensive products that you cannot afford.
Your support can be your currency.
Spread the word and you never know who else will patronize them.

It’s also important to understand that like I said earlier, no one owes you shit.
And it is futile begging for the support of folks who are too lazy to care or don’t see value in your dream.
Keep pushing on and working hard.
One day, you’ll make it big and be bigger than you currently are.
Those same people will be the first to congratulate you and tweet/post that they knew you from earlier days.
Fuck ‘em.

Thank you!

~ The Wordsmith

 

 New Series is coming on Saturday!

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

#WordsOfWednesday
© 2018 #WhatTheHeckMan