I sat there first stunned, confused and then angry. Very angry.
I ran it up the flagpole with my closet people. It was one of the most disrespectful things I had ever had said to me.
It still ranks very high on the list.
“How could you?” I kept asking myself.
Before I even get into what happened, remember this – you are not above disrespect, ever.
Even the ones you expect so much from, can let you down.
Healthy adulting is hoping for the best and planning for the worst – even in friendships and though we won’t admit it, in love as well.
Quick question – how would you feel if the man you were in love with and dating said that he thought you were the type to sleep around for money?
And that he had run some of your pictures and behaviors by his friends and they agreed.
As the love of my life at the time suggested that I could be gay because of _ (THE REASONS DON’T EVEN MATTER), I was stunned, hurt and disappointed.
Not because being gay is bad.
But to know you to be the opposite of something and still say it or suggest it felt very strange to me.
To find that someone you had intimately shared your body and soul with, could not hold their own real opinion on something was even more upsetting.
That was what hurt the most.
Imagine how hurt you can be when your youngest sibling fixes their mouth to call you stingy after all you’ve sacrificed because their friend heard you say no to them one time?
Yeah, that feeling.
The exact one you just had is how I felt.
For those that may make this about being gay – it’s not about that exactly.
I invite you to flip it – imagine being openly gay. Living, loving, thriving and then a partner you love says “I think you are putting on this gay thing for show”.
Yeah, there it is.
It’s the same type of feeling you would have if you told your story of how women can sometimes be more emotionally abusive than men. As per your own experiences.
But then one of your closest ‘friends’ says that you give off “women hater” vibes from your tweets.
Failing to acknowledge your lived experience of being raped at 9 by a woman and being sexually violated by older women till you could find your voice.
Who are you?
When someone asks you that, what is the answer you give. Most times, we start with our names but think beyond that for a second.
Who are YOU?
Are you kind, considerate, giving, thoughtful, patient, intentional…?
Is that you?
I believe it’s truly important to know who you are deep down.
One of the reasons it’s so important is because people will actively work hard to make you feel less than or like you are something or someone else.
Rather than rejoicing in the complexity that makes us all unique, so often this world tries shrink us to make us more manageable.
So those attempts will come but who are you?
How are you standing?
Know your core early enough, so you are able to feel how I felt but not lose yourself or drift.
I remember finding confidence in the most confused looks on my friends faces as I questioned them.
You ever be accused of something so far from who you are, that you even start to question who you know yourself to be?
In this case, sexuality is one thing but it can be replaced by anything else and it would still hurt.
For example, imagine thinking of yourself as very humble but someone you care about tells you they believe you to pretentious or not genuine.
And that they could point to this and this evidence of such.
This situation taught me something, you can find almost anything you want to find when you look closely enough.
If you want to believe a friend of yours is ungrateful, you will find the moments where their “thank you’s” aren’t loud enough. Or if you want to believe that nothing good happens to you, I am pretty sure you can point to evidence that it doesn’t.
That is life.
And why you have to choose to see the light you want to see in people. Especially the ones we claim to love.
Have you ever been so wrongly accused by someone you loved that it brought you to tears?
New podcast episode dropping today.
Click here to listen to my thought on everything from Will & Jada, to 48 Oyster Bay, Wedding Dress to to church and so much more.
Also please leave me a comment on how you feel about this post.
Song of the Week:
Wande Coal – Ebelebe ft. Wizkid: It’s been a minute since I drifted towards Afrobeats. My last few months have been spent enjoying sounds from other regions of Africa. Heavy on the music out of South Africa, Kenya and even Ghanaian highlife.
But I really like this song. You can tell that Wande still mostly freestyles his songs into hits but I love the synergy between them. A part of me feels like they shot the video before Wiz’s mom passed, God rest her soul but I enjoyed seeing him smile.
They both could do with seasoned writers – ugh, imagine a studio session with Johnny Drille, Kizz Daniel, Wiz, Wande and maybe like a Nonso Amadi or Tay Iwar?
Lord, that would be magical!
Anyway, enjoy the song and an even better video.
Please comment, repost and share.
Thank you for your continued support.
You are highly appreciated.
#WhatTheHeckMan © 2023