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Last Night

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Tick Tock. Tick Tock. Tick….
I was holding my head beneath my bangs with my left hand, as I stared at the clock, which punished me for each minute I had stolen every morning this week.
It was moving painfully slow and I just wanted to go home.
I was so tired.
But thank God it was Friday.

I don’t remember ever running out of the office as fast I did that day. Except for the time when I had a flight to catch.
I rushed into my car and headed home. I just wanted to slump on my bed and binge watch OINTB until I passed out.
As I neared my house, I realized that I didn’t have any more wine. I must have consumed all of it, although it was a slow week.

I turned into the Bevmo parking lot and headed for the wine.
10minutes later, I was heading home and my weekend was about to begin.
It was a struggle to pull myself up the stairs and into my bed.
I slumped into my bed, without taking my clothes off. I sipped my wine and picked the episode I wanted to watch.
I must have dozed off like I always do once the wine kicks in.

I was awoken by my phone.
“Hey girl, what are you up to… wait, are you sleeping?”
My best friend Tola asked me before I could even answer.

“Babe, I didn’t even realize I had knocked out.
What’s going on?”

She laughed and then said in a clearly distracted tone,
“Come on! Let’s go… no, please put that in a separate bag. Thanks.”

My eyes were still closed and I said,
“Come where? Where are you going?
Cause only Jesus can get me out of this bed right now!”

She was walking out of the store she was in when she said,
“It’s Mayowa’s birthday. He’s getting a few tables at Liquid. Let’s go na.”

I slightly opened my eyes, noticing the Netflix screen asking “Are you still there?”

I told Tola,
“See eh, I’m so tired right now. Before I do makeup, fix my hair and everything…” I sighed thinking about it. “Can you see if Janet wants to go? I’m tired.”

I assumed she accepted my plea and was looking for another victim for her night out.
My phone rang a few minutes later, and to my surprise, it was Janet.
She didn’t say much other than,
“You’re going. Get ready. We’ll be there in an hour.”
That was Janet; the sweetest but also the most direct person I know.

An hour and a half later, we were doing shots on my kitchen counter and then we were off!
I was still tired and sleepy. My plan was to come back and get a few good hours of sleep in before my afternoon appointment on Saturday.
The crew at the club was the same as always, mostly people I grew up and went to college with.

It was your regular event, with Snapchat filters and flashing lights that filled the section as we celebrated a dear friends birthday.
I had gotten up to powder my nose, when I felt a gentle tap on my right arm.
I swung around to see who it was and boy, was I surprised!

I found myself locking eyes with a tall and dark-skinned man, as he began to flash his beautiful white smile. He said,
“I’m so sorry to have touched you but I just had to get your attention.”

I smiled and accepted his apology, telling him, “It’s okay.”

He then said,
“I’d love to buy you a drink.”

I smiled and said,
“How about when I return from the ladies room?”

He nodded in agreement.

Tola had seen the interaction and she raced into the bathroom.
She began questioning me,
“Who is he?!
Girlllllll he is fineeee!”

I also couldn’t stop smiling! She was right, he was very easy on the eyes… even though I knew nothing about him.
I replied her, “Girl I don’t  know. I’ll let you know when I get the gist.”

I headed back out and met him at the bar. He had two drinks waiting, as he leaned on the bar.

“You ordered for me?”,I asked him.

He nodded and said,
“I hope you don’t mind. I thought you might enjoy this drink.”

He slid a cosmopolitan my way and as I picked it up I said,
“I hope you didn’t spike my drink.”

He smiled and motioned upwards with his hands, while shaking his head vigorously.
I took a sip and a dope night began.

We talked in the corner and I showed him what a proper whine felt like a few times.
He was witty and funny.
He kept his strong hands around my waist as he matched my every move, I was really feeling him.

So you can understand my frustration when the lights came on and the DJ announced that the club was closing.

I tried to play it off as we walked outside, then he asked me,
“Have you ever had a chorizo and cheese hot dog from one of those carts?”
He pointed a few yards down the street.

My face lit up!
I loved them! How did he know? He couldn’t have known!
I slapped his right arm as I said,
“Shut up! I love those!”

“Ouch!”, he squealed like I had just broken his whole arm.

We laughed and walked up to the cart. As we ate the dogs, he asked,
“I hope your friends aren’t upset that I took you away from them tonight.”

I shook my head with my mouth full, as I swallowed I replied,
“No. I bet you they are glad they didn’t have to babysit me tonight. Cause I didn’t really want to come out.”

He gasped jokingly and said,
“So you mean you wouldn’t have met my awesomeness today?”

I chuckled and said,
“I guess that’s why I’m glad I did come out tonight.”

He smiled and turned towards me as he said,
“And I’m sad I’m going to have to leave you.”

I don’t know when I blurted it out but I said,
“We can go back to mines if you want, I still some wine left over.”

He smiled and replied,
“Who’s trying to get who drunk now?”

We both laughed.

For the whole Uber ride, I kept playing back that sequence and questioning myself,
“Why did I ask him to come over?!”

I only comforted myself by saying I knew I wasn’t going back to his place. At least this way, I could kick him out if I wanted. And I wouldn’t have had to be at some random guys apartment.

We arrived at my apartment and I let us in.
My wine glass was still sitting on the kitchen counter. I emptied it and poured myself a new glass as he opened the new bottle.
He proceeded to pour himself a glass and then walked over to the couch with the bottle in hand.

We went through that bottle and another as we just sat on the floor and talked about everything.
I loved that he works as a lawyer for a group of charter schools that served disabled children and he could play the guitar.
And that smile, oh that smile!
There was a point where he spoke and I just wished he would kiss me.
I wasn’t sure I wanted that on the first meeting but I tell you, his perfect lips were so annoying because they covered that gorgeous smile.

I remember him asking if he could kiss me.
I had always talked about how I thought any man that asked that was stupid because he should know if there was a vibe and if he had the green light, he would know.
But the way he asked melted me.

I just nodded sheepishly.
As he placed his soft lips on mine, I felt chills run through my spine and down my folded legs.
As he pulled away, he licked his lips and I wanted more.

I said
“You are trouble.”

He smiled and said,
“I’ll get in trouble for you.”

I pulled him in and I kissed him. Hard.

I’m not sure how long it was but he just locked his lips on mine. When he broke, he kissed my neck.
I could feel my walls contracting and I starting to flood.
My heart was racing and my mind was trying to catch up.
His lips were wet and soft down my neck and I tried to decide if I wanted this to go any further.

He kissed his was down my blouse and I just knew I was going to.
Somewhere in my mind, I said fuck it.

He was strong and gentle at the same time.
The way he cupped my breasts and squeezed them. And how he pulled me close…I was melting in his arms.

His tongue searched my hard drive for lost files. When he arrived at my navel, he looked up at me for approval.
I just wanted him to pull them off. I thanked my stars that I had recently gotten a wax.

He slowly pulled my panties off.

I was wet.

Not one of those, I’m not sure if it’s a drizzle or rain. It was a tsunami.

He smiled as he kissed my thighs and his lips parted mine.
I squirmed as he licked and slurped.

Oh, it felt so good.
For one, I was getting my pink feasted on, two, I didn’t have to direct him.
The man knew his way around me like he had been there before.

He nibbled and sucked, as he paced himself. I moaned and squirmed underneath the panel lights from the courtyard outside, which shined into my living room.

I could feel myself nearing a climax and it was like he knew it too. He pinned my thighs to his shoulders and dug in.

His tongue carried it’s strength in strokes as it twisted and circled around my now throbbing clit.

My toes curled, my back tensed and lifted off the couch with my pink still his mouth.

And there is was, climax. I let out a satisfying moan as I pushed him off me.

He sat back with a smug smile on his face like a proud winner.

I got up, moved closer to him and lowered my lips onto his shaft.
He moaned.

The warmth of my mouth combined with the swirl of my tongue had him holding on to the back of my head.

I looked up at him as I shifted his hips to my strokes.

He got harder in my mouth. I lifted my mouth off and asked,
“Do you have a condom?”

He reached for his pants on the floor and pulled one out of his wallet.

It was on.

He lifted me in his arms and headed for the kitchen counter. He placed me down, legs over his arms and slowly slipped into my wetness.

The view was amazing, his towering shoulders, the silhouette of the lighting behind him.

He gripped unto my waist as he slapped his pelvis into mine.

I wish you understand how good it felt to have someone dominate with such skill and obviously granted permission.
He slid out of me and walked me to my room, it was dark apart from the glow of the printer in the right hard corner.

No words.

He motioned for me to turn around and I did.

Face down, you know the rest.

As he went inside me, I clutched the sheets and cursed.

“Fuck!”

He was so strong, I tell you.

With each stroke, I thought I was going to break.
I can’t remember what he was saying but he was being so dirty and I liked it.

I could feel his balls slapping into my clit as my wetness transferred on to him.

He picked up and slowed the pace as he wanted.

I turned around to look at him and that’s where I had him.

His thrust got shorter and faster. He pounded harder and harder.

And there it was, a series of very satisfying grunts and he was done.

We laid there and tried to catch our breaths and then we laughed.

He said,
“That was amazing.”

I was glad he said it before I did because it was. I ran my right index finger down his chest and I got up.

Walking into the bathroom, I looked at myself in the mirror, a part of me wanted to feel bad but it was so good. I cleaned up and returned to the room.

He had his shirt and undergarments on.
He motioned to me and said,
“Do you want to cuddle?”

Do you know how that felt?!
A man that actually offers to cuddle?
And with those strong arms of his?

I quickly jumped into the bed. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close.
On my back, I could feel his gentle heartbeat.
I remember thinking “what if” as I felt asleep.

The next morning, I woke feeling fresh.
I turned and tapped behind me and there was no one there.
He must have slipped out during the night.
“Oh well”, I thought. Hopefully, we’ll talk later.

I tried to find my phone but I soon realized that I had left it in the living room.
As I got up to get it, I could hear better.
I opened he bedroom door and there he was, briefs and a semi-hard member in between his legs. He was fixing me breakfast.

With a shy smile on my face, I said,
“Gbenga, You cook too?”

He turned and with a smile on his face, he replied,
“Only for special people.”

My smile got bigger.
He looked so good in there and his package between his legs was, even more, inviting in the morning.
I said,
“Well if you cook half as good as you eat, then I’m sure it will be awesome.”

The food was above average which was fair for most men.
What he did to me on my couch before he left was way above average.
I remember a sadness as he left before being reassured when he said,
“I’ll call you.”

I shut the door and I could not contain myself.
I was so happy and bouncy.
It hadn’t felt that good in so long.

I sat down on the couch with my tongue out covering half my smile. I picked up my phone and texted Tola.
“Gurllllllllllll!”

She knew what it meant.

Her reply was,
“Bissssssssh! That good?!

I replied,
“Girl you have no idea. All the gist after this gig. Love you, babe.”

I reached for my charger around the couch and plugged in my phone.
As I looked up at the clock, I muttered,
“Shit, I’m going to be late.”

I needed to shower and get going for my weekend gig.
I worked as a photographer and I took pictures of people and families as needed.
My client was this newly engaged couple that wanted to take their wedding announcement pictures.
But they lived over an hour away.
I hopped in the shower, and within 45 minutes, I was on my way.

It was a beautiful day out.
The shoot was going to be at a historic royal garden where I had shot before.
We were using a different side but I was excited all the same.
These gigs were the extra cash I had to pay off my student loans.
So I matter how tired I was, I always gave my best.

I made my way onto the grass and there she was. The soon to be bride.
I greeted her,
“Hey Danielle.”

I loved her. She was always so sweet over the phone and was referred by another client.
Always smiling and positive.
She turned and gave me the biggest hug.

“Sorry love, my fiancé is running a bit late.
He went out with his boys last night and you know how that can be.”

We laughed and just chatted about her upcoming wedding.
Her phone rang and she looked down to answer it.

“Hey babe, where are you?”, she asked.

He responded and she replied,
“We are over by the fountain.”, before ending the call.

“He’s here!”, she said to me with a smile on her face.

I couldn’t help but think, I can’t wait till I get those similar butterflies while in love.

I was fiddling with my camera when I heard a deep masculine voice say,
“Hey, baby.”

I knew that voice. Well, I thought I did, so I turned around and received the shock of my life.

She broke a short kiss from him and said,
“Ada, please meet my fiancé Gbenga.”

I almost choked on nothing. I was shocked.

He played it off like a pro as he walked up to me, stretched out his hand to shake mine.

I was so stunned that for a second, my brain forgot to tell my hand to rise.

We shook hands and he said,
“Sorry I kept both of you waiting, I got a little lost.”

“Bullshit!”, I thought.

He sure wasn’t lost last night when he was deep inside my gut like Indiana Jones.

Ugh! I felt so stupid.

I was even more annoyed by how well he played it off.
He was playful with his soon to be bride. Whispering sweet nothings in her ears, making her laugh and giggle.

All I could think of as the shutter on my camera closed was,
“Men are Scum!”

How could he?
Here I was about to brag about him to my girls!
From the gentleman-like behavior all night, to great sex and breakfast. I felt so insulted and disrespected but it was either shut up or crush this unassuming lady.

So I did my job and just felt sick inside.
The pictures were great and I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.

I regretted the night before and I just wanted to head home, rip my off sheets since they were covered in his cologne and forget the past 24hrs ever happened.

As I sat in my car, I let out a deep sigh.
Thank God I wasn’t contracted to shoot their wedding because I don’t know if I would have been able to.
That thought was just leaving my head when my phone rang.

I reached for it and answered the call.
It was my boyfriend and he said,
“Hey, babe. How are you today?”

I shook my head as I almost vomited my insides filled with regret and disgust.
I composed myself and said,
“It was low-key babe. Didn’t even do anything.
How’s the hospital, any exciting patients?”

He answered away and my mind drifted off until I heard him say,
“Helloooo babe? Are you there?”

“Yes, babe. Sorry. Yes I am.”,
I replied apologetically.

He continued and said,
“I’m off in about 30minutes, what do you say to me coming over and making you something while we drink some wine and chill?”

My head dropped as I replied,
“I already ate babe. Rain check?”

He agreed and said goodbye.

Yeah, I ate quite alright and I was full of regret and disgust.

And thinking about my last 24hrs, all I could say was #WhatTheHeckMan

The End.

Please leave me a comment and let me know if you enjoyed the story. Thank you!

Last Night by The Wordsmith @adewus4real

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© 2017 #WhatTheHeckMan

#WhatTheHeckMan · #WordsofWednesday · African · African Fiction · African Stories · Art · Bloggers · Drama · Erotica · Fiction · Life · Nigerian Writers · Oakland · Poetry · Sex · Stories · TheRants

The Man, The Shadow: Diary of A Lost Soul 4

The Man, The Shadow: Diary of a Lost Soul

The Man, The Shadow: Diary of a Lost Soul 2

The Man, The Shadow: Diary of a Lost Soul 3

Part 4

It rained during the entire ceremony, in some parts of the world, that might be seen as good luck but where I am from, well you can imagine.
Anything that stops Nigerians from having a full blown party out in the sunshine with jollof and dancing, is obviously an evil darkness.
I was totally unconscious as I was transported to Lagos.
I would later find out that I was in a coma.
When I opened my eyes, it was 4 days after the wedding and I was awoken by my friends who had come to check up on me.
I pestered one of the nurses into telling me if my mother and family had been over. My mother and some of my cousins had been the only people that had stopped to check on me.

Playing back that evening, I was trying to play detective and see if I had noticed anything about the men that attacked me.
Who called the hit?
My mind was racing but my heart slowed – It had gone cold.
It was very cold in the morning as I stood looking out of the window.
The sun had already risen and Lagos was already hours into its hustle.
There was a gentle knock on the door, before I could turn around to answer, my mother walked in.

“Oh you are awake?”

She said attempting to act surprised.

“Yes I am”

She smiled and said

“I just wanted to bring you some breakfast”

“I am not hungry”

I snapped back.
She placed the bowls of food on the table and said

“Well, hunger is not a stable guest. It doesn’t always announce it’s arrival.
The food will be here”

“Mummy, I don’t think you are hearing me. I do not want anything from you.”

I replied.
Her smile was gone now.
She lifted her head and looked my way as she said

“Who are you talking to in that tone?”

I walked over to her and looked her dead in the eye and said

“You.”

It was only a split second before she swung and almost slapped me across my left cheek.
I grabbed her hand mid-air.

She gasped and said

“So Meji, you want to fight me?
You want to hit your mother?”

I gently placed her hand back down by her side and replied

“I would never do that to you but I would like for you to leave and never talk to me”

She began to walk away, stopping right in front of the door. Turning around, she said

“I see you haven’t learned your lesson. Remember that I brought you into this world and I can take you out of it.”

I smiled and replied

“I would love to watch you try.
You already failed once”

…..

I signed the discharge papers as the doctor went on about me taking it easy with my broken ribs.
I hate hospitals and I just wanted to be out of there as quickly as possible.
I was hauling my clothes to the parking lot outside the private hospital that my family was known to use.

Making my way into the parking lot, I didn’t see the Uber I had called.
As I looked down at my phone to determine it’s whereabouts, I heard a familiar voice call out my name.
I slowly lifted my head, it was Monsurat.

I wasn’t sure how to feel towards her.
A part of me was angry but another wanted answers to the questions that troubled me.

“Can I talk to you please?”

she quietly asked

“My ride is almost here but sure”

I replied. she began to talk when I cut her off and said

“Just tell me why you ran. Why did you run when I stepped up to express my feelings for you to the world? Why then”

She dropped her head and sighed. Then she said

“I was confused and I didn’t know what to do. My feet clicked and I just kept running”

“That’s not good enough Monsurat. It’s obvious that I was the only one in this and you couldn’t have the decency to tell me that you didn’t love me”

I snarled back.
She fired back and said

“That is the farthest from the truth and you know it!
I have never loved anyone like I love you. I only know what love is from loving you.
So you know that is not true. I just….I just didn’t see it coming and everyone was there. It was just a lot to take in”

I walked up to her and I placed my hand on her chin, lifting it up.
She leaned into my chest and said

“I have something to tell you…”

“Go ahead”

I whispered back to her.
She stepped back and said

“…but I can’t. I’m afraid”

I believe that for most people, that is one of the most annoying things ever.
I tilted her head upwards again and said

“It’s just me. Talk to me”

“Meji…I will love to spend the rest of my life with you but…but there is something I need to tell you first. I don’t want any secrets between us.

….I got an abortion.”

I stepped back as those words sailed into the open space between us.
There was a mixture of shock, confusion, and disappointment across my face.

“What are you saying Monsurat?”

She was already close to tears as she stretched out her hands and said

“Mj, wait, let me explain”

I stepped back away from her reach and said

“Tell me what you are saying…”

A single tear rolled down her left cheek as she said

“Please don’t get mad. Promise me you won’t get upset?”

I rolled my eyes as I sighed and said

“I promise”

“I didn’t want to. I promise you I would never do that to you.
Once I knew I was pregnant….I knew I couldn’t keep it. I had to go and take care of it…”

She cried as she forced the words out.
I didn’t let her finish her next sentence as I turned and headed out of the hospital parking lot.
I heard her shout

“Meji, you gave me your word…”

Well the word stood for nothing as I hopped into the back of the Uber.
I asked to change the address.
I knew exactly where I needed to be.

…..

It had been three days since Monsurat came to the hospital to drop that bombshell on me.
I needed time to think, so I stayed with my friend Kamir on the Island.
Hiding and not answering my phone, I tried to make sense of everything that happened.

It made sense when I finally called Sola my cousin and asked who could have been responsible.
He initially didn’t say much because he wanted to stay out of it.
As we spoke and he realized what I was making, he let the cat out. It was a matter of setting the right dominos in motion.

I placed a call to the village and spoke to Baba Agba.

As the day broke, I was ready. A new direction for our family beckoned.
It was time to do the right thing.
Driving that morning, I became nervous as we got closer. With each kilometer, I could feel my heart racing faster.

We pulled up and I stepped out of the vehicle.
The gate was already open, so I walked up to the door and knocked.
As it opened up, it was Monsurat.
She immediately tried to slam the door shut. I placed my right leg in the doorway.
The door rammed into my foot and I let out a subdued moan.
She totally ignored my leg and said

“What do you want?”

I tried to speak and she said

“You know what? I don’t even give a fuck about what you have to say. I told you to promise me you wouldn’t react and the moment I told you, you went off to God knows where.
Only God knows what you have done. I told you and you went against everything I said!
So what the hell do you want from me?!”
I dropped my head and then said

“I am sorry.
I just felt very guilty. I had to take a step back.
I didn’t want to react harshly….I realize I could have handled it better. I am sorry”

I moved in closer and pulled her in.
My hands around her waist, she kept her head down as she tried to keep her scowl.
I lifted her head up and gave her a kiss on her lips.
I smiled and said

“I am sorry….and…I love you”

She sheepishly smiled and tried to wriggle out of my grasp. I hugged her tightly.
As I let her go, she moved back and said

“How did you know where to find me?”

I smiled and replied

“I think you underestimate how much people like me…”

She rolled her eyes and said

“Come in, let me fix you something to eat”

I pulled her left hand and said

“We can’t stay.
We have to be somewhere shortly”

“We?”

She inquired as she turned around.
I nodded and she knew.

“Are you sure Mj?”

she queried me.
I again nodded and then I said

“I am sure but I am not sure about that morning breath of yours tho. Whew!”

She shyly turned to scurry off but not until she said

“You know you are not okay right?”

Smiles on both our faces. She disappeared up the stairs.

…..

In the back of Sola’s car, she pressed me about where we were headed but I told her to drop the subject.
As we waited outside a gate in Ikoyi, she asked again,

“who lives here?”

The gateman came to open the gate and let us in, as we parked, she scanned the compound and it clicked.

“This is Aunty Bunmi’s house”

I smiled but said nothing.
As we exited the car, she seemed nervous. I motioned to her, as she neared me, I whispered,

“I got this.”

I turned to the gateman and said

“A Previa van will be coming in about 15 minutes, let them through”

He nodded and said

“Yes sir”

As we made our way into the house, it was clear what was happening.
A family meeting had been called.
Baba Agba who made the trek that morning was seated amongst other elders. My mother and aunt to my right and Juwon standing closest to the door in the far left.
Jola was already on her honeymoon.

I greeted everyone and thanked them for coming before I said

“I reached out to the elders to call this meeting because there are few things that I want to address and end once and for all.
I will do most of the talking but feel free to stop me if you have any questions…

…Aunty Bunmi, let me start by again apologizing for what I did during the wedding. My outburst was irresponsible and ill timed, I hope you can forgive me.
Mummy, thank you so much for showing me the true value of family. It means a lot that I have a telling picture that shows me what families should always look like

To the bigger family, this is an announcement, I will be getting married to Monsurat here. She joined our family years ago and she has never left my heart. So I will make our hearts a home and I would love to eventually share that with some of you.”

Baba Agba and a few others clapped in acknowledgment.
And I continued

“The real reason we are here is to put some things to bed. As you may all know, on the eve of Jola’s wedding, I was attacked and badly beaten.
We thank God for recovery but it put things in perspective for me.
The man I am and who I want to become…

…As a family and culture, we are accustomed to accepting secrecy as loyalty and it is not so.
In many cases, we see the evil within our homes and we turn a blind eye.
Cheating, infidelity, rape, incest… to just name a few that we are familiar.
In this family, I have been able to experience most of that up close.

As a child, Juwon and his siblings would make Monsurat and I have sex with each other for pleasure.
It didn’t make sense then but the scars have stayed on decades later.
So today as a family, I urge us to forgive each other and move forward to a brighter day…”

I stopped talking as 5 bulky men walked into the sitting room.
Immediately two stationed next to Juwon.
He seemed confused and so I continued

“These men as my friends, just her to support me as best as possible but back to what I was saying.
I want you as a family to know that I have forgiven you all.
And to make that clear, I called this meeting.

Monsurat is my fiancee and this animal Juwon raped and impregnated her. And did not have the decency to ensure she was well after she completed an abortion that he requested.
Now I know I just let you know that I forgive you all but even the most forgivable acts have consequences.

I know who called the hit on my life and I know how much you have tried to break me.
I once heard a saying that a man without a shadow has no soul.
But for a man to not cast a shadow, you must be illuminated from all angles. I have a shadow and a dark past and an even brighter future without a family like that who pulls one down.

So here is what is going to happen, in your own home Juwon, these 5 men will dish out double of what I went through last week.
And your blood will stain your home.
Your mother will shed tears, not for your pain but for the sins she has allowed over the years.
I cannot get rid of my mother because God chose her for me, but she can rest assured this is the last we will ever speak.

If you have any questions in the near future, please email me.
Or don’t.
Thank you all for being here. It’s been a pleasure”

Baba Agba rose to stop the men as they grabbed Juwon, one of the elders pulled him back to his seat.
As I began to walk out, I stopped right in the doorway, turned and said

“In case you were wondering, these men as special forces members of the Army.
Don’t bother calling the police, they hold jurisdiction here.

Oh and Juwon, fuck you”

As I sat in the back of the car driving out of the compound, Monsurat reached for my hand and cupped it.
She smiled and I smiled before putting my sunglasses on.
It was a bright day for a new journey. A new dawn for a lost soul.

I looked back to the left as a the driver turned the corner, straight into Monsurat’s eyes. The driver tried to press the brakes and caught air, he gasped and called the name of Jesus.

That was the last time I saw her.

……

I was inspired to write this series after a conversation with a friend who had a story like Meji’s. As we talked, I saw parallels in my life. My inability to let go of certain things I had experienced as a child. From bullying to watching and experiencing abuse, we are “asked” to turn the other way and let certain things go for the sake of the family.
Well, family is meant to uplift and not diminish. And as you see in this series, this family was heavily flawed and they caused a lot more damage than good to the entire body.

In Meji also standing up for Monsurat, you saw love but selfishness. Whenever hurt is shared with you, the reaction the person seeks is not always that you run and jump to their rescue. Sometimes we just need someone to hear us out and hold our truth with us.

I enjoyed writing this series and taking it in all the different directions I could. Thank you to everyone that commented and supported.
If you are reading this on Twitter and you actually haven’t read the series yet, check it out at http://www.adewus4real.com
I promise you won’t regret it.

Till the next one, Stay Up and catch my #WordsOfWednesday this Wednesday.
Thankful for this talent and blessed to share it with you. Please READ and SHARE with anyone that loves good content. Bless!

The Man, The Shadow: Diary of a Lost Soul 4 by The Wordsmith @adewus4real

Thanks for the love and support.
Stay up

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Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

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© 2017 #WhatTheHeckMan

#WhatTheHeckMan · #WordsofWednesday · Art · Bloggers · Life · Nigerian Writers · Oakland · Poetry · Stories · TheRants

Good Kid, Bad Intentions

 

I Swear I Thought It Was You

I cried tonight
Because of you
Well mostly me
But you
Tonight I let go
I finally did it
For so long I held on
I tried
To make it work
To stop the slide down the slopes
She was an imitation of you
A project
Something to save
To make me come alive
But it was doomed anyways
I remained stubborn and arrogant
Anything could work if I put my mind to it
Or so I thought
But I soon realized
That anything could burn
Even without taking a match to it

The Wordsmith
11/29/16
@adewus4real

Also check out my current series The Man, The Shadow; Diary of a Lost Soul. Part 3

Good Kid, Bad Intentions

Ever sent a message and you got the reply but the person on the other side completely misunderstood whatever you sent to them?
You’re grabbing your head, sighing, wondering why you have to then type a follow-up text to explain yourself.
Have you ever wondered why you buy a brand new car and one of the headlights or brake lights goes out before the other over time?

Like you can’t use one brake light without the other. So why does one seem to blow out before the other?
Now I am sure there is a mechanical or electrical reason for that but let’s just explore that surface idea for a second.

I truly believe you don’t need to figure out why that happens with cars but just understanding that it happens in all facets of life.
The bible asks in Amos 3:3 “Can two walk together without agreeing?”
The answer is yes but of course, their directionality will be off.

That brings me to the concept of “good people, good intentions”.
You see because we are emotional beings, often fallible, fickle and mostly selfish; there is a tendency for us to offend.
Even “good” people do it.
I have joked but with a hint of seriousness that there are only a handful of truly “good” people in the world.
Alter a scenario or situation, and you can bring out extreme “bad” out of someone.

I was sitting in my sexual harassment training at my job once when I first heard the phrase “It is not your intent, it’s your impact”.
It stuck.
It let me see that no matter how much good you have in you, you can still offend.
Let me give you an example.

YOU: You walk into your aunt’s house and you see your cousin Sarah. Sarah is wearing a form fitting yellow skirt that hugs her curves in the right places. You like Sarah’s skirt and how it hugs her waistline and thighs.
You wish you had thighs like Sarah. So you say out loud “girl these your hips can kill person. Loving that skirt. Just give dem softly sha”
Sarah smiles, and you walk away without really registering the interaction.
SARAH: Hearing your statement/compliment reminds Sarah to look at the skirt.
She was already self-conscious about wearing it. But wanted to try the whole “love your body idea”. Your comment undid that.
Now Sarah is hating the attention that your compliment brought to her hips. She hasn’t even put on weight like that but she just has a lot down there that she is working with. And your intent to compliment that, just put it all on display. Bringing a discomfort that she is all too familiar with.

Now if Sarah called you aside and said your comment made her feel “some type of way about herself”, you’ll be surprised but you’ll most likely understand.
The point is, good people have off days.
Mostly unintentional or when they become “human” but they do.
And that is okay.

The issue arises when you spending more time making people feel like Sarah, instead of lifting them up.
After every interaction, I evaluate and ask myself, have I added value to someone’s life or taken away from it.
I once dated someone where I thought complete honesty was the way forward. Until she told me that my bluntness was sometimes abrasive and carried a condescending air with it.
I had to change my approach even though my intent was never to offend, my impact left someone feels unhappy.
Lately, I have been exploring the concept of “do people really change?”
Will I become less detached? Less of an asshole (unproven statement btw!)
Will I lose other friends in the future because I am a horrible person?
Do people who have done “bad” things to you, have it within them to be “good”?

Something happened recently where I had to sit and explore my intention and impact. And I was left thinking, maybe some people just don’t know how to be good or happy for others.
Part of recognizing your impact is emotional maturity and humility.
It takes those things to hear someone out and realize how you made them feel even if it wasn’t your intention.

I don’t think we are immune to offending. Like the analogy with the car, in the beginning, two people might hear the same compliment and not receive it as such.
It takes a level of responsibility to go into every situation and be intentional and aware of your impact.
Even those with the best of intentions offend and because some want to be good to you, they never express those feelings.

 

It’s #WordsOfWednesday by The Wordsmith @adewus4real
Stay up!

Part 4 of The Man, The Shadow will be out on 4.29.17
Please watch this space!

Follow @adewus4real

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

#WordsOfWednesday
© 2017 #WhatTheHeckMan

#WhatTheHeckMan · African · Art · Bloggers · Drama · Erotica · Fiction · Life · Nigerian Writers · Oakland · Poetry · Sex · TheRants

The Man, The Shadow: Diary of a Lost Soul 3

Catch up on Parts 1 & 2

The Man, The Shadow: Diary of a Lost Soul

The Man, The Shadow: Diary of a Lost Soul 2

“Meji, what in the world was that??”

My mom yelled at me as the whole compound was in chaos. Everyone was trying to figure out what was happening after the bomb I had just dropped.

“Why are you yelling at me?
What did I possibly do wrong here?”

I asked in response.

“Are you serious?
You could have picked any other time in the world to say this and you chose now?
That is so selfish!”
I couldn’t believe the words that I was hearing.
I was enraged and I fired back

“You are telling me that because I called out my cousins for something that they have been doing that is clearly wrong, I am selfish?
Or because I did at the wedding?
Because I don’t know how you hear something like that and I am what you are focusing on. Not the lies and secrets we continue to keep as a family.”

My mom took a deep breath and then said

“do you think they didn’t know?
Do you think the whole family is stupid? that nobody saw it all along?
We did but to keep the peace, you learn to mind your own business…to shut up.
Families protect each other to the core. You stand for your family and to the outside world, you give your best impression of your family”

I scoffed and said

“Well, I am sorry mother but our family unit is fucked up. We are liars and abusers and we need to be held accountable, not sweeping it under the rug”

As my last words trailed off, I walked out of the room and slammed the door.
There were people outside, in the hallway, listening to everything that was just said.
I can’t remember exactly where I went but I kept on walking till I was out of the compound.

…..

“Bring one more bottle”

I had downed 5 full bottles of Star, an alcoholic beverage popular in the Nigeria.
The lady serving me was beginning to look concerned that I would not slow down.

“Uncle, śe sure?”
(Uncle, are you sure)

I waved her on and soon she emerged with my drink. As she opened it, it foamed out and I stared at the bottle as the foam trickled down the sides.
I suddenly felt a huge sense of regret and sadness.

I was all alone.
And that moment, I was clothed in style and value but lacking the true substance that made me important.
There was so much that I was angry for that I had channeled the anger at the wrong parties.
Jola deserved her wedding weekend to be spectacular regardless of what had happened years before.

I motioned to the lady and asked for a glass of water.
I downed that very quickly.
And I quickly rose to head back towards the house. As I approached the compound, I noticed cars leaving and people walking out.
It was soon very clear that the traditional proceedings for the wedding had been canceled.

Walking into the house, I began to look for Monsurat. People that were not super close to my family, avoided eye contact and barely said anything as I walked through.
it was as if I was bringing the darkness.

I finally arrived at the living room. It was filled with senior members of our family.
One of my grandmother’s brothers, motioned to me and said

“Meji, joko sibi”
(Come sit down or sit down here)

I dragged my feet and I sat.
My mother would not make eye contact with me. I could tell she was disappointed. My aunt, Bunmi, had stopped crying.

My granduncle, also known as Baba Agba opened with a Yoruba proverb

“Eyin kule lota wa, inu ile laseni ugbe”
(The enemy is in the backyard but the executor of his plan lives in the house)
“It is very clear that the devil is trying to steal the joy of this family on what should be a glorious occasion. And sadly, we almost allowed him to succeed.
I have heard some of the details of the accusations and they are grave, very grave. In some parts of this country, people are killed for such things.
But today, Mjwe will speak to truth and speak to unity as a family.
Jolade, tell us what happened”
Since I had walked into the room, Jola had stayed silent.
I am not sure what emotions she was juggling but she finally opened her mouth and said

“I am deeply saddened by what has happened here.
Not just today but within our family. We let this happen. Not the devil.
….My family has always walked around like it was better than all of the others in this family and that is clearly not the truth. We are much more broken than we are ever willing to admit.”

She paused and lifted her teary eyes up. Her makeup was ruined and she sniffled then continued

“Mj, did not lie. He spoke on the truth he knows about.
One thing is for sure MJas a lot to be angry about. Juwon and I did some despicable things as children. Some out of naivety but others frankly out of evil and jealously for Mj.
But one thing Juwon and I never did was have sex with each other.
That never happened but we forced Mj and someone else to have sex with each other, while we watched and laughed”

Gasps across the room.
Jola cried harder.

“there is not much I want to say further but humbly as for your forgiveness Mj.
It is all I can ask for and I hope you find it in your heart to forgive me and my brother”

I didn’t realize it but I was already in tears.
I wanted to walk over to Jola and give her a hug but I chose not to. There were more tears around the room and then I responded and said

“Hola, I am sorry also for how I acted this weekend in taking the focus away from a beautiful union.
You deserve love and peace and I am hoping that we can get you married to start the next chapter of your life”

She rose and walked over to me.
As we hugged, my eyes closed and I heard applause around the room.

As she walked back to her seat, I cleared my throat and said

“I am somewhat glad this came out. It has been a burden on my chest and weighed me down for years.
But there is something else I would love to share with you all, now that I have all our family here…. I am in love with Monsurat”

The gasps this time were louder.
Monsurat, standing closest to the door, was shocked and rightfully so. I had not informed her that I was going to do that and frankly I didn’t know I was going to do that either.
I looked at her with her mouth ajar and in one move, she turned and bolted out of the room.
I mean, she ran so fast. I couldn’t believe it.
I was shocked and so was everyone else in the room. And in true asshole fashion, I heard someone snicker.
I turned to my right and it was Juwon.
I don’t know what happened but something snapped in me, I noticed a bottle of Mirinda on the table, I grabbed it and smashed it on Juwon’s head.
He was knocked unconscious and everyone in the room stood up and ran away from me.
The bottle broke and the butt of it was still in my hand, everyone cleared out of the way as I stormed out of the living room and into the back house.

As I sat in one of the rooms, I cried.
Hours passed by and people tried to come and console me.
I couldn’t believe it.
Why did she run?
How could she run then?! After all we had been through?

I must have cried for 5hours straight because when I finally opened my eyes, it was nighttime.
I had been awoken by a sound of keys, someone trying to enter the room I had locked myself in.
The door flung open and with the rays of fluorescent light coming through the blinds, I noticed for big men walk into the room.
The grabbed me and proceeded to punch and kick me.
They beat me till I was bleeding and almost unconscious. And then they left but not before locking the door back.

I sat there coughing up blood.
But knowing fully well that it was my blood that had called the hit on my life.
Who?
We’ll you’d have to come for Part 4 to find out. 😊 LEAVE ME A COMMENT & ANSWER THE POLL!!!!

It’s Part 3 of The Man, The Shadow: Diary of a Lost Soul by The Wordsmith @adewus4real
PART 4 drops next Saturday!
Stay up

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Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

#WordsOfWednesday
© 2017 #WhatTheHeckMan

#WhatTheHeckMan · African · Art · Bloggers · Drama · Fiction · Life · Oakland · Poetry · Sex · Stories · TheRants

Zuliha 4

Zuliha 4

Hello!

Some of you are probably wondering where this random story came from. Well it is not random, but a series I started out in 2016 and never ended.
So here is the concluding part!
I truly hope you enjoy it and leave me a comment. Catch up on part 1-3 here.

Zuliha 1

Zuliha 2

Zuliha 3

Check out Part 3 of my current series The Man, The Shadow: Diary of a Lost Soul 3 

….

The struggle to be honest with myself was beginning to overwhelm me.
Yes, there were secrets that were out but if the words never reached the right person, then the lies remain.

With everything that had happened with my sister, my dad, and even Cole, I needed to find a new balance.
A new equilibrium.
I wanted to pack my bags and leave.
Cole was being so good to me, I felt completely undeserving of his love and patience.

Maybe this was my cross to bear. I was beginning to feel guilt that Cole, a man who just wanted to love me, was dragged into this.
So that Saturday afternoon, I packed my bags and I was headed out.
My plan was to Uber to the car rental pickup, get a car and head to the facility my mom was being held at.
I was dragging the bigger suitcase with my right hand, my backpack on my back and my laptop case in my left hand.
Standing in front of the elevator on the 5th floor, I waited for the car to reach me. As it dinged, the door flung open and my damn luck, Cole was standing there.
Covered in sweat and returning from the gym, he looked confused.

“Where you going Zuliha?”

He asked.
I couldn’t run back and to get into the elevator, I had to get past him.

“Cole, please just let me go”

“What do you mean?”

He asked as he stepped out and stood right between the carriage doors.

I ran around him and into the elevator.
He followed me in as I tried to force my bags in. I didn’t realize it but I slumped to the floor and began to cry.
Cole put his gym bag down and sat down next to me.
He didn’t say anything but he put his hands around me and held me close. I just sat there and sobbed.

A few minutes had gone by and someone had called the elevator, the doors opened. It was an older lady.
She saw me crying with Cole holding me, and she quietly backed away and left.
He finally spoke and said

“Zuliha, I am totally fine sitting right here with you but I want to make sure you are okay.
Is there anything I can do?”

The pureness of this love towards me actually made me uncomfortable.
I tried to wriggle out of his hold and he clutched me tighter.
He kissed my head and said

“I am not letting you go”

I kept my head down and continued crying as I said

“Cole, before I leave here there is something you should know”

“What is it?”

he asked
I sobbed some more and said

“I am just afraid to tell you now because you will leave me but you are the best thing that has ever happened to me”

I could almost hear him smiling. He kissed my head again and said

“Nothing is going to make me leave you. I love you.
And if you are worried about what happened between you and your sister’s husband, I am not here to judge you for that.”

I jumped out of his hold and said

“What?!
how did you know that? How could you possible know that???”

He looked up at me in this cramped elevator and said

“Your father told me a while back. I guess in an attempt to keep me away from you”

I couldn’t believe it but most importantly, I couldn’t believe how calm he was being.
He got up and gave me a hug.
The last thing he said on the issue was

“I got you”

And it was true.

……

As we drove towards the facility, I tried to stay awake but it was around 4 am.
We had a few hours to cover and I hadn’t gotten enough sleep before we left.
I had been so anxious.
I imagined what she would smell like. I hoped she would smell nice.
Like flowers on a hillside as the blossomed.
I imagined what her voice would sound like.
Would I sound like her?
Or would she have a rasp in her voice that I found so sexy?

I wanted answers and I think the thoughts racing through my mind, weakened my body.
I eventually knocked out.
As I startled out of sleep, Cole was still driving. I looked out the window to my right as I cleaned the drool off the corner of my mouth with my left hand, I couldn’t tell where we were.

“Babe, how long was I out for?”

I asked as I tried to plot our geographical Location but assessing the distance we had covered.

“Over an hour babe”

It was closer to two hours and I know he was just being modest.

“How you feeling babe?”

He asked before I could even compose my next sentence.
The day was brightening up and the sun was rising on the horizon.
I felt my heart palpitate and I caught myself as I responded to Cole

“I think I’m fine but I’m not sure. Maybe a bit nervous but mostly just excited”

He reached out his hand and I placed it in his.
I thought I was going to stay awake again but I fell asleep again.
I woke up as we pulled up to the facility.
As I opened my eyes, I caught Cole smiling again. It looked like we had been parked for a few minutes.
I smiled again as he leaned forward and kissed my forehead,

“You ready?”

He said into my hair
I didn’t respond but gently nodded my head.

We stepped out and headed into the facility. The security seemed tighter than the last place.
I still wished I had answers to why she was here but I was just going to settle with knowing who she was.
As they checked us in, Cole asked if they had her there and they said

“She’s here”

That was more than enough but just the tip of the iceberg. I now wanted more.
We couldn’t go through security fast enough.
They finally led us into a waiting room.
Cole sat down but I couldn’t sit still. I stood up and paced the room.

“Babe, we already here. Sit down.
She’ll be out in a second”

He tried to calm me down. I was so nervous.

“I just don’t know babe. What is she doesn’t know me?
What if she has forgotten me?”

He leaned back in his seat and said

“I don’t know a lot about motherhood but one thing I know is that a mother always remembers her own”

I smiled.
He was so smart and those words temporarily soothed me.

But then 12 minutes had passed and she had not shown up.
I was pacing the room faster now.

“She’s not coming Cole.
I’m so stupid. How would I think she would come to see me?”

I was so overwhelmed and I bent down and began to cry when I heard a gentle voice behind me.
It said

“Zuliha”

And in that moment, I felt my throat dry up and I swallowed hard.
I finally got the words out and said

“Mom?”

She began walking towards me and outstretched her hands.
she said

“My baby”

I swear I had never heard something so random, soothe me like those words.
She pulled me in and I melted in her arms.

….

There were a few minutes where we just sat there with Cole just watching.
Nothing was being said.
She was mom and her eyes scanned me like a TSA machine, making sure she didn’t miss any details.

“You’re so grown”

She said.

“A woman”

I smiled shyly as she continued to look at me.
I was glad to see her and feel her but I had so many questions. My eyes were scanning her so quickly and I wasn’t surprised when she said

“I bet you have many questions..”

I looked down at my fingers that I had been fiddling with. A tick I had whenever I became uncomfortable.

“I just want to know what happened”

my voice shook like a child asking a parent to go and play outside without their chores being complete.
She smiled and said

“There is a lot that happened that I don’t want to rehash but I will tell you this, there is nothing that happens that doesn’t happen for a reason”

I think she knew that I wouldn’t be content with that answer.
As she finished her sentence, I was about to speak when she continued and said

“I know you want to know how things happened with your father. But Zuliha, I will invite you to focus on the future. Don’t you think it is Interesting how one of the keys to a fulfilling future is to balance our past with the present?
I will never ask you to let go of all that happened but I want you to know that holding on to the past will never get you anywhere”

I was now upset and snarled back

“What do you mean?
He put you here! He put a baby inside Irene! He repeatedly threatened my life.
How are you asking me to let that go?”

She never moved in her seat or changed her posture. Even though Cole was visibly nervous in the corner.

“Zuliha, I am who I am because of you and your father. People don’t always see it but your identity can hinge on certain people coming or leaving your life.
I made a mistake being with him. I picked the wrong man.
And he was so overwhelming that I drowned, I wish I had no children for him but you are a blessing.
…Ending up here is irrelevant. I had demons that I had to deal with aside from being a mother. Things I never sorted out as a young woman.
Do not spend time searching for a part of yourself that you lose who you already are.
The love you think you will find in people will never be enough…like your sister’s husband. You have to fill yourself with your own self-love and navigate the world as such.”
By the time she stopped talking, I was crying
She rose and came to sit next to me. she said

“Don’t cry. Life is meant to be a rollercoaster. You don’t know how you get on it but you know eventually it will slow down and it will stop.
Make the best of the ride”

Struggling to speak underneath the tears, I replied and said

“I want that but I am just so sad that I missed most of my life with you. So much time has gone by.
I feel like my life would have been different if I had you in it all this time”

She chuckled and replied

“Or it could have been worse. There are men and women in the world today that are silently watching the lives of their loved ones fall apart with no ability to save them.
We have now. You know where I am and I am getting the help I always needed. Let us make good use of our time going forward.
I at least want to be alive to watch you marry this fine young man sitting here…”

We all smiled as Cole looked the most assured and uncomfortable in the same breath.
We chatted for a few more minutes as we caught up on each other’s lives.
Then as we were about to leave, she pulled me back and said

“I know he is not your favorite person but he is going to need you.
Lung cancer. It’s really bad.”

I sighed and nodded.
There was a smile in my heart. Even though I know it wasn’t a good thing to think.

…..

It had now been 3 years since my father passed. It was mere months after my mother had told me had cancer.
We talked once before he died. I tried to get him to take responsibility for what he did but he was stubborn and unapologetic.
I did not attend his funeral and I am frankly glad that chapter closed forever.

Every second Sunday of the month, Cole and I would drive up with David, our son to see my mother.
She was getting worse but giving so much love. She was still unhappy that Cole and I had David out of wedlock.
But this particular Sunday, we had news.

As we sat watching a movie together, I leaned over to her and flashed a ring!
She jumped out of her seat and squealed, startling a laser focus Cole and a napping David.
She hugged me and said

“I am so happy!”

We danced briefly and she beamed the rest of the evening.
She would not attend my wedding to Cole a year later.
She passed in her sleep that night.
And she was right about time, the short amount we had was priceless.
She met David and I, while she gave her blessing to marry Cole.
I shed a tear because I selfishly wanted to keep her longer but I was grateful that I found and loved my mother.

 

The End. 

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Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

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© 2017 #WhatTheHeckMan

#WhatTheHeckMan · #WordsofWednesday · African · Art · Bloggers · Drama · Erotica · Fiction · Life · Nigerian Writers · Oakland · Poetry · Sex · Stories · TheRants

The Man, The Shadow: Diary of a Lost Soul 2

the-man-the-shadow-part-2

The Man, The Shadow: Diary of a Lost Soul Part 2

The morning sun was beaming through the window pane as I jumped out of bed. I noticed that my shorts were on as I grabbed my T-shirt from the chair it was rested on.

I turned to my left and made eye contact as I whispered to her

“When did you come here?”

She whispered back

“You came in here last night. Buzzed”

Oh no!
I had fallen victim again to my own body. Fuck!

I slid my slippers on and whispered as I gestured

“did we fuck last night?”

She nodded.
And we both smiled simultaneously.

“You’re bad”

I whispered again with a wry smile.
She beamed as she said

“Only for you papa”

As I took a few steps towards the door, I heard a knock

“Meji”

The person from the other side called. It was my aunt.
I waved Monsurat to sit on the bed but away from sight. As I opened the door, I stepped out and into the hallway.

“Meji, have you seen Monsurat? We can’t find her anywhere”

I placed my right hand on my head and scratched it. I finally said

“Ooh! I sent her to the market. I need some black soap”

“Black soap?

My aunt looked confused. She then said

“Why didn’t you ask me, I have some”

I shrugged and said

“Oh sorry aunty, I didn’t know.
She should be back soon”
As I turned around to head back into the room, I caught the look of Jolade from the corner of my eye. It was filled with judgment.
She knew. But she was never going to say a word.

I reentered the room and said

“She is gone but how did you end up in here.”

She smiled and slowly walked to me. She planted a kiss on my cheek and whispered

“You should be thanking me for not being loud last night”

I slid my hand down her back and squeezed her bum while I said

“You were loud the last time though”

She smiled and said

“Only because you were trying to prove a point…. I’m going to wait a few minutes before I head out. This one that your aunt is looking for me”
I left the room and heard the door lock behind me. I remember chuckling to myself as I walked out into the yard.
I was quickly met with my uncles and aunts seated in a circle gisting and catching up. Preparations for the traditional part of the wedding were under for later that afternoon.
The cow was been slaughtered. Goat meat being cooked under firewood stoked pots beneath the mango tree.

It was truly amazing to see the family all coming together. When you looked at the entire family from a birds eye view, we truly looked like we had it all together.
Working professionals, creatives, entrepreneurs and folks on the verge of fulfilling their potential; my family was beautiful but broken and I just prayed we would get through the entire weekend without any issues.

Someone called my name and I turned around. It was Chukwuka, my best friend from high school, in town for the wedding.
I shook his hand and said

“Long time no see”

He smiled back and said

“No be you dey run from me?”

…..

If you have ever been in a part of a traditional Nigerian wedding, you can tell that time is a concept that is is lost to Yoruba people. Well Nigerians as a whole if I am being honest.
It was one thing after the other, there was one point when they had all the single men in their entire family, come and beg for Jola’s hand in marriage.

A beautiful experience without a doubt but just looooong.
As I sat next to Sola, I began to scan the room.
My mind started to wander.
I was reevaluating what had happened to us. Don’t get me wrong, every family has their own drama but I always felt like that at every turn, we were only a few wrong words from an explosion.

My life mirrored that of my family; put together on the outside but very broken on the inside.
Uncles and aunts that didn’t talk, cousins that would never see eye to eye and just an all round tension that floated around the family.
I noticed Monsurat walk by, I loved her but she was in love with me.
She had been for years. The circumstances that made it so were cleared at play during the ceremony.

I wanted her to leave and come to Lagos but the loyalty she showed towards my grandmother was commendable.
It actually made her more attractive.
There were times when I would come into town and stay at a hotel, she would come over and spend time with me.

I get what you are thinking. That I am the entitled child from wealth that is taking advantage of the help.
In actual fact, it’s been the other way around. Well not exactly.
Monsurat is beautiful, one of those that you will adore the first time and her looks just captivate you.
She has such a warm smile with that darker chocolate skin tone that suggests that she might be from the northern parts of Nigeria.
All in all, she is beautiful and smart and for the last two years, I have trying to make the relationship official.
I wanted to shout it out to the whole world but she asked me not.
She invited me to see the world in her shoes and how she will be viewed as “the help that got the child to fall in love” or as a gold digger.
I totally understand how she felt and knowing how judgmental my family can be, I am glad we never said anything.

I was tired of living in the shadows.
My depression and anxiety were two of the things I battled with but I was never able to share with my family.
I also temporarily battled with sexually acting out.
From one dangerous act to the other, I kept pushing the envelope because I wanted to feel something, even if it was pain.

But some of the people that contributed heavily towards my present state, were people that I had been promised that they would love me. Because we were family.

I was getting bored and actually annoyed that they were wasting time, so I got up and headed into the house to top off my Jack and Coke.
As I headed back outside, I realized that the ladies were in the living room helping Jolade fix her gele which is a traditional head-tie.

I peeked into the room and said

“Heyyyy, I just wanted to come and say congratulations before all the second round stuff starts”

Jolade smiled at me said

“Meji, thank you so much”

she reached up and planted a kiss on my cheek.
I smiled at the other ladies in the room and turned around to leave. As I exited the room, I noticed Sola walking towards the room.

“What were you doing in there?”

He rudely asked.
I smirked and said

“None of your damn business”

As I tried to walk past him, he pushed me in my chest and said

“Who the hell are you talking to?”

I stepped back and looked him square in the face.

“Juwon, if you know you want to fucking get killed today, touch me one more time”

He stepped up to me and tried to push me, at this point, the ladies helping Jolade with her makeup and outfit, ran into the hallway and got in between us.

“Juwon, what the fuck is your problem ,huh?
Why do you fucking have a problem with me? Is everything okay with you?”

I yelled.
He reached around some of the women and poked me again and said

“You are my fucking problem, you damn snake”

I was livid and boiling inside as I yelled back

“You called me a snake?
From you???!!! Are you fucking kidding me??”

He gestured at me as he continued to be held back.
I blurted out and said

“You definitely don’t want to go there with me here because if I start talking here…”

“You don’t have shit to say like always! Always making shit up, stop fucking lie”

He yelled back to me.
I kid you not, my chest must have jumped out of my heart. Yes, you read that correctly.
I wanted to jump over all those people holding me back and rip his throat out.
As I tried to push them off saying

“E fi mi le”
“Leave me alone”

His mother, my aunt, my mother and some other family members had now filled up the room.

“Aunty, tell your son to stop trying to start problems wherever he goes. We are tired of it”

My mom frowned and said

“What do you mean? What did he do?”

“Ask him!”

He shouted back.
His mother jumped in and said to him

“You will speak to your aunt with respect. Now what is wrong with both of you?!
This is Jola’s special day and you are both doing your best to ruin it. What is going on?”

I relaxed a bit and said

“There won’t be any problems if Juwon just stays in his lane and leaves me alone”

He got riled up again and said

“And if I don’t leave you alone? What will you do? Cry like a little pussy that you are. You are weak and thats why you are fucking alone. Your life is sorry and no one is able to tell you!”

I won’t lie, upon reflection, those words cut deep because there was some truth to it, I didn’t realize what was like a defense mechanism when I blurted out

“At least it is better than brother and sister fucking each other!”

Everyone gasped and the entire room went silent. All eyes turned to a fully clad Jola and then to Juwon and then back to me.
A few awkward moments and suddenly Jola ran out of the room and into the living room. There was another door that led to the front of the house and I think she left through there.

Some tried to follow her and Juwon again tried to launch at me before people grabbed him. My aunt, teary eyed, walked towards me and said

“You just wanted to tear my family apart?”

I replied without a flinch and without any remorse,

“They broke me first”

Thank you for READING. PLEASE COMMENT and answer the poll below. 3 lucky readers will get a first look on Part 3.

 

It’s Part 2 of The Man, The Shadow: Diary of a Lost Soul by The Wordsmith @adewus4real
PART 3 drops next Saturday!
Stay up

Follow @adewus4real

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

#WordsOfWednesday
© 2017 #WhatTheHeckMan

#WhatTheHeckMan · #WordsofWednesday · African · Art · Bloggers · Drama · Erotica · Fiction · Life · Nigerian Writers · Oakland · Poetry · Sex · Stories · TheRants · Uncategorized

The Man, The Shadow: Diary of a Lost Soul

the-man-the-shadow

The Man, The Shadow: Diary of a Lost Soul

I’ve lost
I’ve gained
My life has changed
Nothing is the same
Scars and pains
Crossed our names
Regret and shame
A dawn of a new age
The past feels like a burden
It all spun out in a sudden
There are memories to grasp
Some that will hold you back
As I stare in this pool of tears and laughs
I flash back
To a time where it all laid flat
No mountains to climb
Or valleys that doubled as death traps
A lair for an ambush
An open forum to disseminate the truth
This is life
This is the bread that hardens in the sunlight
Tasteless
It rips and shreds
Like dried rose petals
The colors bloom and then fade
One thing remains
Me
I’ve loved and lost
I’ve tried again and wanted more
But life is like a revolving door
Some in and others out before a new dawn
I’ve lost while in love
And there is more and more
This is me
The one that matters at the end of it all

          I woke up as the convoy pulled into the house. There is a notorious bump in the driveway to my grandaunt’s house that cars always had to go over as we arrived. It woke me up and I looked around.
We were home.
I wasn’t the only one asleep on the ride from Lagos to my hometown, Ilawe Ekiti.
That 4hour drive had always been gruesome and painful but since I moved out of Nigeria, it was more bearable.
I actually looked forward to it now since I didn’t get a chance to come back home often.

We all dismounted the car as I stretched. The maid Monsurat, ran out and came to greet us. There was a beaming smile on her face. Pure joy.
Monsurat, now a college graduate, began to work for my grandmother when she was 14. I was 10.
I remember her going to a day school closer to the house while we were at “better” schools.
My aunt made sure that she got an education while also taking her under her wing as both of her parents were extremely poor.
She was so happy to see us. Hugs as we made our way into the house, the beautiful aroma of the traditional Isapa soup greeted us.
I could hear the Iyan (Pounded yam) getting made in the back of the house.
Memories.

My grandmother was not home. Apparently she was out running errands with one of my aunts as preparations for my cousins wedding drew to a close.
From far and near, the house filled up by nighttime. I woke up from my nap on the living room couch to a new wave of arrivals.
My cousins the Adesina’s, had just arrived. Their family was the first to hit wealth in our extended unit. My aunt Bunmi, married an oil magnate in the late 70’s and six children came as a result. The last two are much closer to me in age but the rest are distant in age and interactions.
Her last born was getting married, Jolade. She was the last born and only girl my aunt had, you can imagine how spoiled she was.
We couldn’t stand her growing up but she very quickly grew into a phenomenal woman, and at 28 she is one that we are all really proud of.

“Meji! It’s been a minute”

She called out as she hugged me tightly. She was like a big sister to me.
Warm and always very protective especially during my secondary school days as we went to the same school. Our family had connections at one of the finest local boarding schools. So it was almost a rite of passage to get your life experience there.

“Mj, you look good!
Team beard gang now I see? You better shave it before they think you are part of Boko Haram o”

I smiled back and said

“So you want me to cut it tonight? So I can be fresh faced for your wedding this weekend?”

I laughed as she squeezed her face in disapproval.

“You better don’t try it. I need you giving them sultry looks at the wedding. Let those young girls know we have fine men in our family!”

I nodded and smiled hard as someone hugged her and moved her along.
Side conversations were happening as the living room was filled up. It was out of the corner of my eye that I noticed Juwon.
He is Jolade’s immediate older brother and the terrier of the family. And for a few reasons he did not like me.
This I understood very well and I always played my part in avoiding interactions with him. But that day it almost boiled over.
I was walking back from getting Suya (Skewered meat with spices) with another one of my cousins. As we made our way into the compound, I could hear someone on the phone but it was dark, so I couldn’t make out the face.
Nearing person, I realized it was Juwon. As we walked past him, I heard him hiss very loudly.
I had every intention to let it slide but something in me refused to let it be.
I stopped and as I was about to turn around, my other cousin with me said

“Mj, let it be”

My family called me Mj because as a kid, I loved Michael Jackson and I would mime all his songs but also because it was a cool shortening of my actual name.
I turned and said

“Sola, I go meet you inside”

I don’t know if it was the palm wine I drank at the suya joint but I walked up to Juwon and said

“Hey, what the fuck is your problem?”

Now for context, Juwon is about 8 years older than me.
He ended the call and said

“Do you know who the fuck you are talking to?”

I scoffed and said

“Juwon, we aint kids no more and you are not in charge of shit around here. I have kept my mouth shut all these years out of respect for your sister and this family. But best believe that if you cross me, I don’t care how old you are, I will fuck you up.
You don’t know me and lets keep it that way”

He seemed visibly taken back but gathered himself to say

“You kept your mouth shut because you have dirt too and that doesn’t change the fact that I am not your mate”

I moved up closer to him till there was only about an inch of space between us and I said

“Listen to me clearly, don’t fuck with me”

As my last word tailed off, I heard the generator in the back of the house roar and noticed one of my uncles and my mom walking through the main gate.

“Ki le yin se ninu okunkun eyin boys”
“what are you boys doing in the dark out here”

My mom said as they walked into the house. My mom put her hand on my head and playfully rubbed it as all four of us walked back into the house.
She knew what had almost happened. There were secrets within our family.
And almost everyone had a chapter they tucked away.

……

The next day was a Thursday. It was in the evening as we did a “meet and greet” of extended families.
The grooms family, mostly staying in hotels in the area, came to the house.
Just think of a huge barbecue with a catered chef and unlimited drinks.
Some more of our family members had arrived and it was beginning to seem like a struggle to keep track.

But it was a good time. Good music, good vibes and just all round fun with everyone.
I was even beginning to notice some beautiful women on the grooms side, this union seemed like the beginning of a fruitful partnership. 😊

I think it was because I was at home and there were upwards of 80 people there but I wasn’t keeping track of how much I was drinking.
I was getting really tipsy and usually when I do, I get really quiet. Which is exactly what I did.
My vision was blurry as I tried to look at my phone.
I rose and told my cousin Sola that I was going to lay down for a bit and come back.

I made my way into the house and towards my room. Sola and I were sharing that room.
As I opened the door the lights invited themselves into the room without knocking.
Creeping through the lines in the curtains, they allowed me to take in enough of the view laid bare before me.
It was her.
Her curves, her smile shined bright in the dimly lit room. She got up and leaned in to kiss me.
One kiss.
And I moved to kissing her around her neck. Holding the back of her head in my left hand, my wet tongue canvassed her neck as she moaned into my left ear.

My right hand rummaged through quickly and found safety within her blouse.
Alternating between soft and firm squeezes of her breasts, my hand cupped them with love and control.
She moaned some more.
The kisses got fainter and I soon flipped her over.

Back lifted, I pulled down her panties faster than I downed the drinks from earlier.
A few more kisses around her navel and my lips met with hers.
It was sweet and wet.
The more I kissed them passionately, the more they flooded the creases around my teeth.
The cavity of my mouth was filled up with her juices.
My tongue worked tirelessly getting to know her.
My brain orchestrated my tongue as I twisted and turned exploring her depths.
Deeper and deeper I went, searching for things words could not express. She moaned faintly but the blasting music from outside drowned out her voice.

There is a dedication to the way I explored her pink.
The layers, the moist, the ability to command my attention; I loved it all.
My throbbing member, laid in waiting, joined the party.
The condom proving the thinest and most important barrier between us and newness, I dug deep.
Thrusting and grinding, I slid in and out.

Minutes passed and over I turned her.
From the back, it seemed like I saw all of her.
Flaws and all, I identified her reaches, highs and lows.
As she threw all of herself back into me, it felt like I was meeting her again.
Reintroducing myself without saying my name.
Her moans signified agreement as I pulled her hair and she bit down on my fingers.
Harder, I pounded as the pain coursed through my hands and into my widened hips.
Her head tilted all the way back, her moans were laced with profane words as my balls offered a steady sensitivity that I refused to offer outside of the bed.
And in time, I came.
A kiss on her back. I slid out of her and stood up.
Condom off, lights in the bathroom soon went on.
I wrapped the condom in some toilet paper and flushed it down the toilet.
Turning the faucet on, to cold water, I stroked my still upright member as I dabbed on some hand soap into the mix.
It only took a few minutes and I was satisfied with the wash down.
And then it happened.
I saw me.
As I glanced into the mirror, I was washed with disgust.
At myself and the emptiness in the sexual encounter I had just authorized.
I stood there and watched the sweat still dripping down my chest and shook my head.
A flick of the wrist and the scene closed out.
I headed back into the room and there she was, gently snoring away.

I snuck into my bed and laid on my chest.
I finally caught my breath and right before I could think, she wrapped her hands around me and snuggled up close to me.
I cringed.
Don’t get me wrong. I liked her.
But for some reason, I hated when she touched me.
I was so tired though, a few minutes later, I was gone.
Knocked out.

You know when you are asleep and in a dream but hearing things from your reality? Like your mom’s really loud voice calling your name or your aunt shouting

“Monsurat, Monsurat”

around the house.
It took me a few seconds before I jumped out of my sleep. Startling the lady that was sleeping on me.
She looked at me in shock as she gathered herself and I tried to apologize without being too loud.
Then my aunt yelled out again as she knocked on doors

“Monsurat!”

I turned to my right and my eyes grew big. Hers too.
Oh no!
#WhatTheHeckMan

End of Part 1

Welcome to your first rollercoaster ride of 2017. Buckle up, it gets bumpy! 😊 If you’re mad at that ending, leave me a comment .

Thank you for READING. PLEASE COMMENT, it boosts my intensity and feedback is always welcome! ❤️

It’s Part 1 of The Man, The Shadow: Diary of a Lost Soul by The Wordsmith @adewus4real
PART 2 drops next Saturday!
Stay up

Follow @adewus4real

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

#WordsOfWednesday
© 2017 #WhatTheHeckMan

Fiction

The Wordsmith #26

#WhatTheHeckMan 4

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Happy Birthday to Me! 😊

103466
The number is irrelevant
Well it’s not
That’s the number of miles on my car
Not reflective of the miles my heart has traveled
The accidents along the way
The flats
The high octane
Nitro powered memories
Taking it all in
I’m trying really hard not to cry
But I feel it’s inevitable
Here they come
First flow
Damn it!
I swore I wouldn’t cry
What The Heck Man

A week from today
I celebrate a new age
A different man
From the one that cried when my innocence was snatched
By blood
So I sit here and recollect my journey
Assessing my victories, defeats, and in-betweens
I lied
To me
And to some people I loved
Or at least it felt like love
But I have pieces of their shattered glass in my hands
So is that love?

I’ve betrayed trust
Lost friends
Felt like I was going insane
But always found a way
To hold my truth
To remind myself that my shortcomings don’t make me
I held love at a distance
But I craved it on the inside
I wanted more from me
But I felt my well dry up
Till I had nothing left to give

I strayed from his grace
As one negative thing after the other
I hid in my space
Unable to seek his face
My heart would convict
But I always listened to my first instinct
Run
But where to
Into the arms of empty people
With beautiful hearts
But unable to provide the love I sought
I continued to run
Gather them round
Enough love will fill you up
Or so I thought

Like a Falcon
I rose from the ashes
Failed relationships
Bad breaks
Medium rare
Skin peeled like steak
I told myself that I could not afford to lose
Not again
So walking shoes
To love that completes
Who wants he reggae without the blues
It’s a pleasure to serve you
Me
To be me
To be unique
And unapologetic

Then I found myself in my peace
Everything I needed was within reach
Deep within me
So I embraced me a bit longer
Some nights my mind will wander
To what could have been
But after all, I have seen
I love me
Oh so very much
Enough to know that this is not my last stop
There is so much more
Destined for me, from God
I used to wish I didn’t feel
That I couldn’t bleed
But that wouldn’t be me

My purpose is to be a vessel
That negotiates greatness and solidifies hope in the hearts of those needing
And I cannot fall short
My experiences are real
Sometimes things have been a thrill
A whirlwind
But just like the 80’s films
I want to stand on a hill
And peer into the hearts of those I gave love
You are unique
Just like me
To truth, to love
I smile from the heart
And I look forward to another year of being a blessing
You can burn a castle down
But it doesn’t limit the impact of royalty
It’s twenty-six
Nothing is an easy fix
There are cracks in my armor
But there is vigor and value
An unction to function
A renewal of my being
A reintroduction of you to me

Today I am thankful for every tear
Every un-replied text
And every forgotten moment
I am grateful for the all time low
But I have risen after breathing underwater
To say thank you
To loves, life, and lessons
It’s another moment of reflection
And looking back
All I can say is #WhatTheHeckMan
To those who stood firm
I bless God for you
Thank you for being here
From the bottom of my heart
My love to you is sincere
Thank you for allowing me to share my truth
In your day of glory
I will be able to celebrate with you
I love me a little bit more
Because of you
So whenever you may need
Remember you mean the world to me
So thank you
Today and everyday
It’s the one and yours,
The Wordsmith.

Get to Know “The Wordsmith”

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  1. What’s the first thing you notice about people?
    Their scent and how they talk to others.
  2. What is your eye color?
    Brown
  3. Scary movie or happy endings?
    Happy Endings. I don’t like scary movies because I don’t feel like they are real. Like they won’t happen. Like all the fishes in the water will magically turn evil and eat us all. Who wants to watch that?
  4. Favorite smells?
    Tom Ford Noir.
  5. What’s the furthest you’ve ever been from home?
    Living in Nigeria when my family relocated from Nigeria in the early 2000’s. I lived with my uncles and aunts in Lagos and some parts of it with my grandfather in Ikenne where my mother is from.
  6. Do you have any special talents?
    Define special. I can create content on any topic. Or make you cry with my words. Good enough?
  7. Where were you born?
    Sacramento, California.
  8. What are your hobbies?
    Writing, creating spoken pieces, poetry, watching anything about nature
  9. Do you have any pets?
    Nah but I wish I had a boxer tho! Ugh…. I really want a dog but nahhhh.
  10. Do you have any siblings?
    3 beautiful and amazing people.
  11. What do you want to be when you grow up?
    I never grow like this? An impactful person that changes lives with every and anything I do.
  12. Who was your first best friend?
    Deji Fakoya
  13. How tall are you?
    6’1
  14. Funniest moment throughout School?
    Highschool NEPA took light, I dashed across the room and kissed the girl I liked on the cheek. She ran up to me, slapped me and told me to never try it again. Funny now but it wasn’t in 2005.
  15. How many countries have you visited?
    10+
  16. What was your favorite/worst subject in High School?
    Favorite: Literature and English
    Worst: Math
  17. What is your Favorite drink? Animal? Perfume?
    Favorite drink has to be water, to be honest.
  18. What would you (or have you) name your children?
    Not sure yet but something that glorifies the name of the Lord whenever it is called.
  19. What Sports do you play/Have you played?
    Play soccer, but I have been out injured since August, so yeah. Bummer.
  20. How many Girlfriends/Boyfriends have you had?
    3. Two are married. Funny how life works out.
  21. Favorite memory from childhood?
    Watching Saworoide with my entire family and Grandma. May her soul Rest in Peace.
  22. How would you describe your fashion sense?
    I have small money now. Lol.
    Nah but I can truly buy some of the things that I feel like they represent where I am and how I feel inside.
  23. Tell us one of your bad habits!
    I beat myself up too much and blame myself for everything.
    24. Are you named after anyone?
    My absolutely amazing father.
    25. When was the last time you cried?

Today.
26. If you were another person, would you be a friend of yourself?
Yes, I would. In my great space, which I am in now, I am a good friend.
27.* What are you most grateful for?
God. I am grateful for God because he is faithful even when I am faithless and unfaithful. I have sinned, fallen short of his glory. Betrayed trust, lost friends, hurt people I love(d), been unaccountable, manipulated things and situations. But God has never forsaken me.
I am grateful for my resiliency. That somehow I find a way to continue to press on.
I am thankful for #TheRants and #WhatTheHeckMan. You guys make being creative so worth it.
Let me tell you all a story, there was a time a few years ago when I felt like I was going to give up. Give up on EVERYTHING.
You know somewhere in my heart, I thought to myself, how would my readers feel. Like what would they read on Saturdays? There are days when I don’t feel good enough at ANYTHING. I feel empty. Your comments and reactions to my work, fills me up.
So if you are a regular commenter, thank you! And if you are not, start today. It truly goes a long way.

I am grateful for those that love me and never give up on me.
I am heavily flawed and sometimes broken but to those that love me unconditionally, I can never thank you enough.
God Bless you, and I pray that I can always give that same love back to you.

I am not perfect. Far from it. I own my flaws and I try to do better daily.
My biggest prayer from God is that everyday in my 26th year, I will be a blessing and my life will be a testimony of God’s greatness.
Happy Birthday to Meeeeeee!

New Series will be out on 2.4.17

the-man-the-shadow

It’s #WordsOfWednesday by The Wordsmith @adewus4real
Stay up

Follow @adewus4real

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

#WordsOfWednesday
© 2017 #WhatTheHeckMan

#WhatTheHeckMan · #WordsofWednesday · African · Art · Bloggers · Drama · Erotica · Fiction · Life · Nigerian Writers · Oakland · Poetry · Sex · Stories · TheRants

I Got a DUI…

“I Got a DUI…”

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Breathing Underwater by Emeli Sandé

Click play before you read.

A twirl
She bopped her head and danced away in her towel
Careless and free
A smile worth any man’s pain
She leaned in close to the camera
I tilted my head for a better view
She puckered up
Then I asked
“Is this new?”

The tune blasted from the portable speakers
I watched her attempt to wine her waist
Simultaneously covering her beautiful black skin in coconut oil
She glowed from the inside
Her singing voice
Death to any tune
Sailed through my phone
I cringed and attempted to end the FaceTime call, but she smiled even more
Her smile was amazing
A close second to how beautiful she was
A new song
A different top
Lace panties on
She asked
“Should I keep the necklace on.”

A kiss goodbye
And a confident Queen sailed into the night
My overprotective warning as a gift goodbye
It was meant to be a great night with some good friends
A bar and a lounge
A chance to forget the 5 slave days that seemed like they would never end
I looked forward to tipsy snaps
Filled with her joyful laughs
They never came
Instead, I got a text
“Pulled over.”

My heart raced
I feared the worst
Her career, her family, her emotions
Her
I began to panic
Waiting for the follow-up
I waited and waited
Then I fell asleep on the couch
Morning came, and she texted again
This time I could breathe a bit
She hadn’t been detained
Another FaceTime call
She answered as she merged onto the highway
I asked
“No DUI?”

No DUI
The system couldn’t add any more toxins into her life
Her stream was filled with unwanted elements she couldn’t account for
The hospital concluded her drink had been spiked at that bar
Yes
A Queen out on the night to share her beauty with the world,
Could have been violated by a peasant with no regard for royalty
How dare he?
She looked tired
Lips chapped
Sleep, a distant companion
She headed home
Tempering my anger at my entire gender
I asked
“Are you okay?

The follow-up came hours later
She texted
“911”
To my friends that was a sounding call
Send that, and everything stops
Full attention to your aching heart
So I Facetimed her again
This time I said no words
Tears streamed down her cheeks
It dawned
She was almost raped last night
Things she had only heard about on Twitter feeds and passing conversations

It almost happened to her
And that was a painful pill
Another thing she never planned to ingest
Her eyes welled, and she shed tears
Of pain and sadness
That even in a world she loves so much
Some continue to try and hurt her
There are no words to say that can make it go away
But like I said to my friend
I am sorry on behalf of all of us
No woman, man or any other deserves to be violated
None at all

Please be watchful and vigilant around EVERYONE. My friend nearly became a victim of something so painful and damaging. Hold those around you accountable and let’s look out for each other.
Educate and please be an ally for everyone you can. Thank you.

It’s #WordsOfWednesday by The Wordsmith @adewus4real

Stay up!

My New Series will be out on 2.4.17
Follow @adewus4real

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

#WordsOfWednesday
© 2017 #WhatTheHeckMan

#WhatTheHeckMan · #WordsofWednesday · African · Art · Bloggers · Drama · Fiction · Life · Nigerian Writers · Oakland · Poetry · Sex · Stories · TheRants · Uncategorized

I Cheated. I Lied….So What?!

I Cheated. I Lied….So What?!

scenario-episode-3

11:54 pm Tuesday.
It wasn’t even on my radar to write a #WordsOfWednesday this week but God has a way of getting things out there.

I want to share some insight to someone out there. Hopefully, my story might teach someone a thing or two. I have an email to reply, but at this moment, this is heavy on my chest.
I was briefly talking to someone about 2016, she gleaned about how it was a great year for her, and I just smiled and nodded.
I hated 2016.
I hated the 2016 version of myself.
Here’s why.

I once told someone who I have known for a while who happened to be mad at me for writing about my life instead of sharing, that it is sometimes easier to talk to a stranger than to your kin.
I love sharing me with you all because well, it’s me.
I feel like I am finally back to the reason why I started this blog in the first place, to let my heart out.

I wrote last year about not loving on E but also not settling for less than…
So this is me…well the old version of me.
I liked talking to different women at once.
Truth? It was intoxicating.
One wouldn’t answer the phone, so I had another wanting to talk. One didn’t seem to care, 2 others were begging to show they cared.
It was nice to know that you would post a picture or something and 4 people will respond or things like that.
That was “cool”.
But the real reason was that it allowed me to stay ahead, see I would spread myself, parts of me across these women and prevent any of them truly being able to fully know me.
You were always close enough but never there.

Why you ask?
I hate to be cliche, but it was for fear of being hurt.
So never fully allowing yourself to open up.
Side effect? 4 eventually broken hearts. Or whatever the number was.
I fell in love with fear. It consumed me.
My birthday is coming up and I’m deciding between having a dinner or going to do something solo.
I have started reflecting. My words for 2017 are “Peace, Happiness, Purpose and Impact.”
I do not want to end this year with nothing to show for it. My purpose will be actualized, and subsequently, my impact will be felt.

12:06am
So why did I tell you about myself before? 2 reasons.
I was talking to my beautiful mother, who was advising me on love and relationships.
I was telling her of the “deadweight” I dropped last year and what not.
She laughed.
She said “they weren’t deadweight. You just picked bags that weren’t yours to carry.”
I was stunned.

Imagine yourself waiting at baggage claim after a flight. The bags start filing out, and you grab one that looks like yours off the conveyor belt. As you set it down, before you even realize its not your bag, someone comes over and takes it from you.
It’s their bag. You look down and realize its really theirs but you have now expended effort in carrying it off the belt, but it’s not yours.

That was what I did the most of in 2016.
I met someone at the end of 2015, I just wanted to be friends, and we got close very fast.
She is amazing in her own way. Personality wise, we might not see eye to eye, but I know she comes from a good place.
Eventually, she told me she had feelings for me. Now because I was so set in my ways, I refused.
I wouldn’t budge.
The more she tried to love me, the more I pushed back. Till we broke.
I found that because I didn’t love myself at the time, the “love” the person(s) had to give was just annoying to me.
So I fought back.
But I would always circle back to the question that troubled me, “why me?”

I was barely showing my real self to anyone, so why would you love me?
Why?
I hypothesized. Maybe they wanted the facade or the man they thought they knew.
The thing that hurt the most about the man I was in that time, I neglected the ones I actually loved.
My friend Ninz for example. This is a public and unsolicited apology to her
But that woman has been a rock for a nigga in some troubling times.
Annoying as she is, she is just flat out amazing.
Never told her enough.
But I was so distracted by carrying others peoples bags that I didn’t know when the bottom fell out on hers and those of others around me like Bola and Ifeanyi.

2014-2015; I was a bleeding man.
So concerned with staying ahead of the curve, I would never allow myself to feel too much.
And even when I felt, I felt for broken people who I could patch up instead of fixing myself.
But towards the end of 2016, as I came out of my surgery, I realized that what I mostly needed was me and a stronger relationship with God.
I was worshipping and being functional with him, but I was losing myself.

When you are not ready for love someone has to give you, everything they do will be annoying and overbearing.
You will find it hard to call or text.
And when they complain you will want to pull your hair out.
Listen y’all I fucked up some in 2016.

There a few people that I wish I dug deeper and called a bit more.
Asked about their well being or even listened a bit more.
But here is the catch, you can’t do that for everyone.
So the ones that are truly your friends are the ones that deserve that treatment.
Some people have walked out of my life right now, and while I miss the times we shared, I don’t miss them.
Why?
Because they never brought anything to me anyways. Doesn’t make them horrible people but its the truth.
I urge you. Do not be primarily a taker/receiver and do not be just a giver.
Find a balance.

I pray that I have the grace to continue to give without expecting anything. Pay it forward.
You will not please everyone, and you will keep everyone.
But do not lose the core of your team, trying to please the players on another team.
In some cases, less is more.
Be responsible for you also.
If someone is giving, you love that you know you don’t want, RUN.
Of if you mind is trying to tell you to save someone, RUN.

Sometimes the person that needs saving the most in that time is you.
Don’t waste time tweeting “Don’t settle for this or that. Or you deserve this or that.”
If you are still doing that, you are dwelling on the old, and you need to let that shit GO.
Nnenna used to say, she hated the fact that I allowed people that I would not invite to my family home, claim to know me.
I finally understand what she meant.
Trying to save the passengers that were never meant to go the full ride, I crashed the ship.

I like where I am in 2017.
Fewer people to worry about, focused on goals and making changes that are needed.
There is only one person, I am focusing on now, and I love it.
But also my happiness is the priority.
I have a few friends and a lot of people that love me.
My goal is to not lose sight of them. I cheated on them and on myself.

Punishing myself with temporary pleasures and short-lived highs.
When I have people that love me unconditionally that I can build lasting forevers with.
To everyone that tried to love me when I didn’t want to be loved, thank you!
I truly mean it.
And I am sorry it took me so long to appreciate it.
To the ones that have loved me and wondered who or where I was, I’m back!
Scarred and broken but better.
So here is my love and my heart to my friends, my loved ones and to you all that read, COMMENT and support. Thank you.
2017 is ours.
We grow, we learn, we thrive.
I cheated…on me…but we gon be alright!

It’s #WordsOfWednesday by The Wordsmith @adewus4real
Stay up!

My New Series will be out on 2.4.17
Please watch this space! It will be fire! My best work yet. I PROMISE YOU!

Follow @adewus4real

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

#WordsOfWednesday
© 2017 #WhatTheHeckMan