Please read all the way through – there are some gems and gifts at the end.

“God, please hug me”
I kept repeating that over and over as I began to sob while driving.
My heart was feeling lighter but I my eyes were heavy.
I had known I needed to cry for weeks that I needed to cry but I couldn’t find it.
A song came on as I approached the Dallas Fort Worth rental car center to return my car.
It’s called Emergency by Gaise Baba. I had heard the song before but never really digested it.
It’s off the album that has the hit song, Elijah Level.

One of the lines in the song says
“I’ll be foolish to think I can handle it
Blood dey my body oh”
The premise of the song is acknowledging the somewhat powerless nature of human beings and emphasizing that we need God for everything.
There are certain areas of my life where I have sometimes felt in charge – like I did that!
As I get older, I am realizing more and more that I cannot do anything without God.
There are deep battles that I don’t think I can win alone or by watching Youtube videos.
I found it necessary to submit in that moment. About 45mins later I was hugging my friend Temi and chatting like I wasn’t just bawling my eyes out.

Therapy changed my life.
It’s helping me put vocabulary to my feelings but also reminding me to not hide any parts of me.
I really like my therapist and as someone who has worked in therapy environments, it’s amazing to have my person that obsessively works to uphold my wellbeing.
Very rarely do you see your actual growth in real time. It’s kinda jarring to see some things play out right in front of you.

It’s easy to blame others for why certain relationships don’t work out.
But look inward – where did you mess up?
Where did you take your eye off the ball? Where did you get lazy, absent?
One area where I have come to learn to take responsibility is not setting myself up for failure.
The signs are always there. I preach that all the time but sometimes I am the architect of my own pain.
A quick lesson when navigating through life – focus on the facts in front of you. Leaning on potential is one quick way to hurt yourself but I digress.

“Why do we fight tooth and nail to keep in people who are trying to break out of our lives?”
This amongst many questions are what my therapist poses to me every week.
“You have to take someone for who they are.
You have to let people change for themselves.
You can only get into a relationship if you are not truthful to yourself. You cannot expect that because of the things that God has placed in you, you assume that people will see their potential.
You cannot connect your self-worth to your relationships.”
These are some things she has said to me over recent sessions.
I know many of them to be true but have I always lived by them?
I begged for love y’all.
Many of you that have been following my writing for years would know I talked about never begging for love again.
And that was what she was focused on and I want to focus on with you all.
You deserve love.
Good love.
Transparent. Stimulating. Filled with grace, forgiveness and kindness.
Involved and willing to work through things love. Love should not feel like a burden but when two people, friends or lover friends are truly committed to each other, there should be collaborative efforts to build together.

As someone who has previously been broken while trying to fight for love, I ask that you fight for people that want to fight for you. I saw this quote recently that said

I am not saying that love needs to be painful or tear-jerking but if your “love” dies on the back of things insignificant in the big picture, then it was never love. Plain and simple.

I believe that when two people are breaking up, it shouldn’t feel like a surprise to either party. If genuine transparency and communication has been present, then it shouldn’t feel like a surprise.
See y’all, anyone that truly loves you will love you. I was watching a sermon the other day and the pastor joked and said that the next time someone says “I love you” to you – ask them which kind?
Because if it’s the type in the Bible then it requires way more than most are willing to give.
And that right there should be your first sign, not your last.

What do your scars look like?
I made a mistake recently and hurt someone I care about a couple of weeks ago. While I initially felt hurt by their actions, I used a medium well-known to me to vent and hurt someone I loved.
You should be able to audit yourself. You may think you are a good person and people love you for it.
Granted one mistake or two doesn’t make you a bad person but good people can do bad and hurtful things. And it’s “ok”. We have a tremendous capacity to hurt the people we love – it’s actually easier to hurt them because you know so much about them. It sucks but it’s real.
Sometimes many of us cannot reconcile our “good nature” with the hurt we cause and subsequently how people we love view us.
Be kind to people and in turn, yourself.

Stick to your routines and also screw them.
I didn’t realize what going to the gym meant for me. For a lot of people, they probably think it’s just a fitness thing but years ago, morning workouts became my thing but also became my communion time with God.
I would sing, dance and pray across the gym.
Mornings were meant for my physical and spiritual bodies getting the care they need.

Being injured over the last couple of weeks let me know that I live by my routines but I was reluctant to change the system. I felt more depressed from not sticking to my routine than just finding a workaround.
Most of the time God speaks to me is in a place of worship. I think it’s easier to arrest your heart while you’re “komole-ing” (put definition) to songs of his greatness and majesty.
So not having that time in the gym made me feel like I wasn’t able to work God into my schedule and it saddened me.
Quickly I realized that I needed a way to carry God more actively in my day.
How do you manage to keep God active in your day?

I also had to afford myself more grace – my life won’t always go according to my detailed plan and that is okay. I’m on God’s timing and plan.
Allow flexibility in your life to ebb and flow – remember that riding tides sometimes is just about staying afloat.

Words of Affirmation

Lastly, I wanted to share something I have been working on.
I believe I wrote a few weeks ago about doing affirmations as my therapist asked me. I was asked to write one about myself internally and one about my body. The body one HARD O!
But I figured out a way for the internal one – I bought these affirmation cards from Amazon and daily, I read one.
I love these because there is also a question in the back to spark thought, so yes, great addition.
Here is the one for today – I hope it helps someone out there and find the link to the cards below.
Affirm yourself today in your own way.

The last compliment I received: “You definitely have grown as well. Usually, when I talk to you I feel like you see me as that 20-something yr old and I feel so ashamed and then angry because of it. But now, I see the me I have been working on and the you that has matured and shows grace.”

The compliment I want most: “I see you and I know you are trying your best”

Link to cards: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B09CMVVJ2H/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&th=1

Over the last few years, people have asked me to share my gospel music playlist and frankly, it has always felt overwhelming to do but I finally did it.
Please see my Yoruba gospel playlist and my gym playlist below. Feel free to share with as many people as possible.
Thank you!
I hope it truly blesses you and yours.

Praise Gym
Apple Music: https://music.apple.com/us/playlist/praise-gym/pl.u-4JomX7BtMMmXYg
Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0nHrVRq8lhsY9imXjYL6Ns?si=18b0171f0d2046e2

Tẹriba
Apple Music: https://music.apple.com/us/playlist/t%E1%BA%B9riba/pl.u-55D6XW5FYYVXoq
Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/51Gcda828lTthxNqcTWyd4?si=4ccabfc5911e4afa

Please comment, retweet, and share. Thank you for your continued support.
You are highly appreciated.

WordsOfWednesday

© 2023 #WhatTheHeckMan

It’s Wednesday morning – WordsOfWednesday day.
I just rolled over – it’s 6:07am.
I normally would get up and head to the gym but I am exhausted. By the middle of the week, I am pretty spent physically but on Wednesdays, I find a bit more juice to push through the remainder of the week.
Today though, a bit more sleep.
Waking up on Wednesdays, I always feel inspired going into Wednesdays – halfway to the weekend and another blogpost to you all.
I want to start by saying thank you to all of you that read my posts weekly.
You keep me going.
I really appreciate it.

This is a diary entry.
I am sure that emotions I have bottled will probably spill out but we move.
I felt a bit exposed earlier today about putting this post out. I feel like I have been in a very vulnerable place and writing about my emotions quite a bit.
Maybe its just the season I am currently in but I’ll continue sharing the real with y’all.
Some of the best advice I have ever gotten for times like this is to feel it all.
Every bit of it.
The good, the icky, the high, the lows, and even the uncertain.
It’s 8:30am.

This is the latest I have come to the gym in a long time – it’s 10:09am.
I start most workouts with some HIIT core work before heading into the muscle group of the day. Today is day 12 of 20days on the treadmill doing 12.5incline/3speed/30mins.
Well today has been a bit different.
I spent the better part of the first 15mins just sobbing. I love worshipping at the gym but ooo, big man like me bawling during leg day?
I am not even sure the people watching knew I was deep in worship, they were probably just thinking that the squats got the best of me.
God abeg.

I hate rain.
Like a lot.
Not more than fruit flies but still a lot.
It’s been raining a lot in the Bay Area over the past few weeks. It has certainly coincided with my “dip” in happiness. I never understand people that love rain – like when the sun is clearly an option.
Na wa o.
Since before the turn of the new year, most of my WoW’s (WordsOfWednesday) had been written before going into the week – this week, I am just writing it today.
I have been feeling very depressed for a while and today, I legit just felt it all.

Last week, I wrote about some personal things I have been dealing with lately.
I am proud to report that people that I expected to care – don’t or didn’t even bother to check in.
It’s amazing how life can be happening to you and no one sees you.
My therapist and I have been working on various things over the last few weeks and every time something new happens, I remember her words.
For example, “your journey is not about fixing because you are not broken” or “find your happiness within because it will never come from someone else”

There are days that I miss.
The days of being carefree and without bother.
Something dawned on me recently, there is love I wish I had experienced or felt that I missed out.
There is also love that I got and wasn’t able to appreciate.
Chronological age doesn’t mean you experienced all the phases as a young child into adulthood.
The fearlessness, the innocence of youth was robbed from some of us.
I find myself visiting with the young me to know the older me.

Have you ever stared at yourself so long you almost recognized your happiness?
I really wish there were things simpler again.
I miss my memories being filled with joy and excitement.
Today, I remembered being tossed into the dryer and then drum (water storage) by my cousin and some of their friends.
They laughed about it at the time and I was terrified.
I don’t even think they realized the mark it made on me. I don’t think I did either.
But lately, I Have been trying to understand why I tend to get very jumpy – like people coming up behind me or partners feeling the need to touch me.
I cannot say for sure that it is connected to that incident but I know it coming up for 30+ me probably means it was never fully addressed.

Be good for the sake of being good.
This past Sunday, I sang and church and universally – people said I sang very well.
And it got thinking – there have been many times where I have sang in front of people and small part of me looks for the validation from them.
But why?
It got me thinking about how we need to be good – primarily for ourselves.
Not for validation or acknowledgment. For you.
Because the best you is the version that best serves the world around you.

I normally try to leave you all with some energy and words of encouragement in these posts every week.
But ooo mehn – hmmmm.
Do you feel seen?
In your life, friendships, relationships..
Does the person that you crave, see you. Your light, your pain, your fears, your brains?
Imagine tweeting about depression or anxiety but the only time your tweets are referenced is if you tweet about relationships or a woman.
It’s painful to expect the “worst” from someone you love.
Simply believing that not matter the issue, they won’t see you.
That’s rough.
I’ve been craving a hug lately from someone I love.
And I realized that one of the things I struggled with the most growing up was feeling unseen.
It got me thinking, what is your cry for help?
Like what is the thing that you would do that would send a signal to your friends to rally around you?
Imagine me, someone that doesn’t like being touched – CRAVING a hug.
It doesn’t require that your person hop on a flight and come hug you, but the simple acknowledgment could change your whole outlook.

I need a hug.
I won’t get one tonight.
Maybe that’s okay and maybe It’s not.
I am simply glad I wrote out how I feel tonight.
My therapist has me writing two affirmations a day. One that focuses on the inward and another that focuses outwardly – so I have to write one thing about how I feel inside and another about what I see outside of myself.
So maybe that is the lesson and message to you all today, affirm yourself.
It is so easy to feel negatively about yourself with everything going on in the world.
Find enough light to shine on yourself and remind yourself that you are amazing, beautiful, strong, talented, unique, capable, intelligent and more.
You are incredible.
I am thankful for you.
Till we read again, stay up and I love you.

Please comment, retweet and share. Thank you for your continued support.
You are highly appreciated.

WordsOfWednesday

© 2023 #WhatTheHeckMan

I want to put a disclaimer out before I start writing this post. Some of what you read may trigger, upset disappoint or surprise you.
Nevertheless, I hope you enjoy this post.

Who do you love?
Who do you rep?
Who do you belong to?

It’s amazing how many of you thought about those questions above and immediately thought about the “people” in your life.
The others.
When in actual fact, the answer should be YOU, first.

It’s nothing to be sad or ashamed about. Fundamentally, we are want to belong to someone. To mean something to someone.
For a long little while now, I have felt incredibly alone.
It’s not something you can fix and it’s not like I don’t have people in my life but feeling unseen is something I have always struggled with since I was a boy.

Talking to my therapist over the last few weeks, it’s clear that my abandonment issues run deeper than I thought but also clear that I am not as good as thought at hiding my depression. Or maybe she’s just really good at her job.
Sometime in August 2020, I began feeling a pain in my stomach.
It was sharp and hard to explain away.
On the back of losing my job in March 2020, I drank way more than I needed to. Depressed, overweight and guzzling gallons of hard cider, I thought it must have been the problem.

Two years later, the doctor finally claims to have a diagnosis – one that I spiritually and physically reject.
Tons of tests, MRI scans, tubes up places hard to explain.
It’s been rough.
And, yeah you guessed it, lonely.

Why did I start by talking about my abandonment issues?
Well, last week my therapist asked that I take a leap and start sharing more with people close to me.
So I took a leap of faith and did – welp, that backfired.
Not only did they start by being upset with me for not sharing sooner, they soon failed to even dig deeper on what may have been wrong.
Leaving me back where?
Alone.

Let me explain something – for people that struggle to trust people with the darkest of them, it’s never out of a lack of options.
Its more about what happens when the baton is dropped.
Don’t get it wrong, expecting the worst to happen is wrong and now how you should love. But when you repeatedly feel let down, you start to believe a reality where you don’t think you deserve love.
This leads to you not only further isolating but also sabotaging spaces where genuine love could grow.

I am thankful for those that love me and are intentional about showing it.
I am learning to accept it – it’s hard.
Think of it like this, I am trying to undo decades of being in the “shadows” – your light aids my journey out of darkness.
One day at a time.

For right now, wrap your arms a bit tighter around that person that means something to you.
Whisper what they mean to you.
Then belt it out in your actions.
Your arms are enough for a hug, but everyone does better when they feel the warmth of love around them.

Check your s&*(&t

If you even remotely use social media and haven’t been sleeping under a rock for the past few months and years, you’ll realize that biases are everywhere. Many of them, negative towards furthering a sense of community and belonging.

All over the world, biases and micro aggressions continue to drive a wedge between people you expect to know better.
Hate sells.
It burns but it sells.
It’s important to always check your biases – even when you think you are infallible, you’re not.

When I was about to start working with my therapist that I now absolutely love.
I remember the day she and others were recommended to me. I almost did not select her because she was not smiling in her profile picture. I thought she would be “mean”.
Even me that I have spent countless hours with mental health professionals – I almost gave into my biases.
I am glad I checked myself and went forward.

In the quiet moments, check your biases.
“I don’t have any problem with _” but you won’t get close to them. Yes, you do.
Be better.
Do better.
You’ll be better for it.

Till next week, love on yourself.
I am certainly going to spend time working on it. I hope you do too. Have a great rest of the day and week ahead.
All my love. 🌹

Please comment, retweet and share. Thank you for your continued support.
You are highly appreciated.

WordsOfWednesday

© 2023 #WhatTheHeckMan

WordsOfWednesday
A Year into my Fitness Journey
Initiated this blog on February 14th. Updated on March 14th, 2023.

One of the main areas I focused on first was my diet.
Green and Grown – I made sure I overloaded on vegetables and things loaded in fiber (I swear by Shirataki noodles), they are low in calories and high in fiber.
My typical meal with them stays balanced – Shirataki noodles, a scoop of rice, grilled chicken thighs, half a plantain (y’all know I love my plantain) & avocado.

You win in the kitchen first – whether you are trying to shed weight or add, you win first in the kitchen.
As much as you can, tackle that area first.
You want to load up on protein daily, a decent amount of carbs, healthy fats and get tons of sleep.
I am struggling with the sleep part even a year in but I certainly have more of the other parts sorted.

Green and Grown
Potatoes and spinach
Boiled plantain & a eggs with spinach
Salads
Smoothies
Yogurt
Riced cauliflower and stir fry
Cauliflower noodles
Chicken drumsticks with garri
Mixed vegetables
Salmon and boiled plantain
Shirataki noodles, Turkey meatballs
Pot stickers

The gym doesn’t “fix” body dysmorphia.
You have to achieve self love to appreciate your body in whatever state or stage it’s in. As I pushed through dominating my body into submission – it became clear that I needed to also fix my mental.
So I focused on healing my mind as I changed my body.
Fitness and wellness should be a lifelong journey – the number of lbs lost or gained won’t make you love yourself more if your mind ain’t right.
There are times where I know what I have done and how much I have achieved but my eyes cannot see it.
Don’t get caught in that space.
You may want to change your body but you need to have a conversation with your mind and heart first.

People’s opinions matter – NOT.
Some will say you are already good and some will say you’re too fat.
Some will say you don’t need to lose any weight but when you do, they’ll be shocked that there was weight to lose.
Focus on you. Do it for you.
Do it because of what YOU want, not what they want.

Ignore the Scale
I think I said this in one of my previous posts but when I started my journey on March 16th last year, I did not get on the scale till September 2nd, 2023.
It gave me time to just focus on looking and feeling good. My pants and clothes began to not fit anymore.
Then when I stepped on the scale, I now had a platform where I needed to go and how much more I needed to shed.

Looking good starts outward
While that line itself may feel misleading or against all the “woke” body positivity we have been talking about for the last few years, in the gym, it’s true.
You have to look good to feel good and many times, that is sometimes squarely about your outward appearance.
Dress nice, even as you start to prepare for the body you ultimately want.
While I have some expensive and high quality pieces in my closet, I encourage you to start with comfortable affordable and nice looking gym outfits to start off your journey.
When I started my journey, I would get nice Adidas, Nike, Fabletics sets from Ross, Dress for Less.
Then as I got closer to the body I wanted, I switched to a mixture of places, some things I get some Fabletics, Nike, Boohoo MAN, Adidas and also the great Amazon.
And I began going for higher quality and durability. At the forefront though, comfort and style.
How else am I going to continue falling deeply in love with myself if I don’t wear sex coord outfits that gym.

Be ready for the inevitable changes
As you embark on a life changing and life altering journey, things will change.
Your body, your mind, and your relationship to both. People’s relationships/views of your body will also morph. All of it will change. I was not ready for the changes to be honest, so I want to make sure you are.

First of all, I’m now a lightweight. Before I could have two or three drinks before I would feel something and now, one shot and my eye don dirty.
I could hit a joint and be cool, now, no such thing.
It’s almost like with the weight loss, my body cannot soak up the externals that inebriated me.
What a life.

My libido is also much higher. I used to joke that one of the main reasons I wanted to lose weight was to look good while shifting her furniture.
Little did I know that it would lead to me wanting it more everyday. I am not a man super fussed about “working out together all the time”, well I wasn’t but now?
Omo!
🎶🎶 one glance is all it takes, want to remove your paynt 🎶🎶🎶 🤣🤣🤣
So get ready for it.
For some people, it’s because of the supplements they take (maca root, preworkout) and for others, it’s just their body naturally having more energy to expend energy. You have been warned.


I also may or may not have noticed that I actually go longer now. But that’s not why we are here and you won’t be finding out, so face your front. ☺️

Being healthy is expensive
It’s cheaper to eat junk or processed foods. Your $5 at McDonald’s will fill you up.
Walk into Whole Foods with that and all you are walking out with is spring onions and a potential death stare from a Karen wondering how you got in.
Amazing stuff.
Being healthy and eating healthy is expensive and requires a deep commitment to the cause. Find bargains where you can.
For example, I buy organic things from Safeway but I buy other things from Grocery Outlet or FoodMaxx which are more bargain stores. Find the system that works for you and run with that.

Be kind.
The journey to the body and most importantly life you want will be hard.
Bumpy.
Smooth.
Up and down.
Slow.
Then fast.
It will test you and your mind.
There will be days you don’t want to but you need to.
Your life will be better for it.
But most importantly be kind to yourself.

The new body you want is ahead of you and you have never met beyond Youtube clippings and Instagram saved posts. But you see this body you are currently in, cherish it.
Respect it.
Honor it.
And make you keep it whole.

Thank you for being part of my journey so far.
Year 1 down.
Here is to many more in great health and sound mind.

Please comment, retweet and share. Thank you for your continued support.
You are highly appreciated.

WordsOfWednesday

© 2023 #WhatTheHeckMan

New poem that came to me as I was meal prepping.

What do you want from me?
No, tell me
Do you want me?
Or do you want me?
Do you want my body or my soul?
Or both
Who knows
Do you want me alone?
Will you ever be grown?
Because here I am feeling things
Things that are not speaking for me
Or speaking for me
Reactions to every interaction
My heart beats faster worried about the words that you might say
Or not say
Everything reminds me of what much more can be
But you say nothing
So I remain at your mercy
Longing for your voice
The same one used to wax lyrical about the things you wanted to do to me
But are there things you plan to do with me
Me as yours
Side by side
Hand in hand
Tied
One team
Same side

feelings.

Top of mountain
The breeze palming your buttcheeks on foreign beach
Unexpected money in your account
Validation offered without request
The day of victory
Curling of toes
Eyes rolling back
The first takeoff after lockdown was lifted.

Feelings are everywhere.
In many cases, we run from them. The best of them creep up on you in broad daylight.
One moment they are an unsaved number, then emoji’s next to their name, then suddenly you can breathe when they don’t answer.
Feelings eh?

I realized that as I have gotten older, being able to feel alone is not enough.
Being able to feel things and describe them aptly is a muscle that most adults need to have worked and constantly build on.
I began this a few weeks ago, I stopped answering my therapist’s “how are you?” with a generic “I’m okay”.
I started finding the actual word to describe how I was feeling.

Do you know the vocabulary for how you feel?
Can you explain the difference between you being afraid and tentative?
It has proved magical being able to tell someone you feel fear, love, joy, and more.

I laugh at those that spend so much energy trying not to feel things.
Fear of catching feelings, caring deeply for people and the rest.
But all those are feelings – you are capable of feeling. Deep rewarding feelings.

Allow yourself to feel everything.
Yes, everything.
The highs, the lows, the unknown, the certain – feel yourself.
Use the feelings chart I posted up there as much as you can.

And right now, do this exercise with me.
Read along slowly
Pause…1…2….3
Wiggle your toes!
Before you did that, were you feeling yours toes?
I bet not.
Feel within your body.
Feel your heart race and slow.
Remember to take deep breathes and wiggle your toes.

Run by Lloyiso

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/track/1SAxAnhOG0xTh0Gm2Qlsoj?si=4f1eecdffd774626
Apple: https://music.apple.com/us/album/run/1671838049?i=1671838155

Call My Phone by Rexxie, Ajebo Hustlers

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/track/2Buv3NUP63ckzuKMouDGC6?si=b7ed923ec86b4e41
Apple: https://music.apple.com/us/album/call-my-phone/1667527251?i=1667527254

Jolie by Khaid

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/track/7wMYtt3SEquaep8sWCdQqp?si=d5c239d2734348bf
Apple: https://music.apple.com/us/album/jolie/1663908126?i=1663908128

GwaGwalada by Bnxn, Kizz Daviel, Seyi Vibez

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/track/6wuMo4ZR83PhlhXhJ1S3VY?si=e3db7cf1ae5b4d18
Apple: https://music.apple.com/us/album/gwagwalada/1669351463?i=1669351466

Sability by Ayra Starr

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/artist/3ZpEKRjHaHANcpk10u6Ntq?si=1333f150b7414224
Apple: https://music.apple.com/us/album/sability/1667892664?i=1667892665

Please comment, retweet and share. Thank you for your continued support.
You are highly appreciated.

WordsOfWednesday

© 2023 #WhatTheHeckMan

Mixed emotions
Tension
A collective inhale
Restricted flow
Information loss
We knew it was coming
But like hot eba with no stew
No hope
It’s lodged firmly
In our throats
In our hearts
This sucks
This is Nigeria
Not my home

It’s Monday and many of you are probably reading this on Wednesday or later – at the time of writing this, I’ve called on God, many times.
Stranded, hopeless and holding my breath – I am not entirely sure what I am hoping for.
A miracle that shines light on a 100million homes in poverty or the painful reality that our adopted jollof will now come second to indigestible agbado (corn).
I want more.
I want more than hopelessness.
I used to love the sight of main gate after school at Mayflower Ikenne because it meant a reunion with the delicious buns and egg roll lady.
Picking them up with a fork, she would lift your portions out of a plastic or glass container and place them on a piece of paper.
Who would have thought that 20years later – I am haunted by that image. Paper and plastic.

Watching INEC hold a sham of an election with citizens of the world’s most populated Black Country voting into plastic bins that you can snag at your local dollar tree. The “organization” blatantly ignoring the rule of law and manipulating papers that we clearly saw just the day before.
Is this who we have become?
It’s naivety that makes you think we have just become “we have always been”.
Think back to the numerous coups, the tribal wars, the blatant disregard for life.
Lekki.
It has taken it’s toll.
Nigerians said enough and blocked the gate.
But they somehow have driven their bullion van of lies and deceit through our bloodied hearts.
Why?

———
Wednesday.

It’s 7:15am and I am finally mixing my preworkout drink.
This is the latest I have headed to the gym in the last month. I woke up 4-5 times over the course of the night.
My gym opens at 5am and I would typically will myself up early but I simply could not convince myself to Arise today.
There are so many ways to Channel(s) your energy into willing yourself up.
Simply put, this sucks.
They say it’s the hope that kills you but it’s the hope that gives you life and makes you reach for more.
The hope forces you to not give up on yourself.
I wonder where we would be as a people if we didn’t hope.

I am sad and proud to be a Nigerian today.
For a long time, there was a general belief that young people in Nigeria simply didn’t care enough.
And maybe this is the start of the change that we want or start of something new but people came out.
It was clear that at the very least “some” Nigerians want something different for themselves.
Their force was felt.
As a people, we elected the man we believe to be a first key step in recovery as a country and people.
Peter Obi.
Unfortunately in broad daylight or at 4am in the dark of the night, they stole our future from us.
It feels like a lost cause because we are currently unsure how compromised the justice system is.
I am angry.
I am sad.
Frustrated.
Mad.
This election was rigged and stolen.

This election reminded me of something – we can all be in different parts of the world and feel things as one.
Collectively, today I felt the pain and sadnesss in the hearts of Nigerian’s world wide.
We are more united than we can see.

I don’t feel comfortable saying “God save Nigeria”.
Feels like he forgot us.
There is no reason why a country filled with so many talented and ambitious black people should “elect” a President and collectively feel dread, fear, sadness all over the world as one.
Nigerians are terrified but as always, we will thrive.
Hopefully before the BAT and terrorist king become unalive.

Music I’m Currently Loving

Dream About You by Lloyiso

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/track/05lM7Ep8UESoe3LV5yrew5?si=6c92062b056b4d35
Apple: https://music.apple.com/us/album/dream-about-you/1578954949?i=1578954958

Wo Wo(Remix) by Minz ft. Bnxn by

Spotify:https://open.spotify.com/track/7v6HbQggLsB2UUCqABkJoX?si=94ac2d8cdefc458c
Apple:https://music.apple.com/us/album/wo-wo-remix/1664572401?i=1664572409

I Can’t Shout by BisiManuel
Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3KQSip3rsg8

Ma Femme by Monsieur Nov, Tayc

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/track/3DUTKcvmttd934SKVCEocy?si=0638b352ac9d43cc
Apple: https://music.apple.com/us/album/ma-femme-feat-tayc/1670100838?i=1670101140

Money Before Love by Portable

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/track/1VZ8I1SaIZBktZQJnbzQ2M?si=f482418cc27f4b32
Apple: https://music.apple.com/us/album/money-before-you-love/1622228432?i=1622228433

Please comment, retweet and share. Thank you for your continued support.
You are highly appreciated.

WordsOfWednesday

© 2023 #WhatTheHeckMan

Inhale.
Exhale.
deep breaths
“Come on Sanmi, you go this!”
deep breaths
I could see stars for a second – it reminded me of how Tom would see them floating around his head at least once every episode while Jerry smirked in the corner.
https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&url=https%3A%2F%2Ftenor.com%2Fview%2Fseeing-stars-dizzy-tom-tom-and-jerry-gif-24937523&psig=AOvVaw3wZQtHiYts90r0r1l_xGwi&ust=1677155420264000&source=images&cd=vfe&ved=0CA4QjRxqFwoTCOi8rvqQqf0CFQAAAAAdAAAAABAJ
I slumped to the ground and I tried to catch my breath.
I kicked my head back and began thinking to myself, this was not failure but it sure made me feel “human”.
I turned my head to the camera and smiled.
“One more set, Sanmi”
I said to myself as I got up and pushed through.
We go again.

—
As I left the gym that day, I kept thinking to myself, how did I get here?
Last week, I wrote about discipline and I love how people reference that as some of the traits or things they like about me.
But I firmly remember a time when I never thought I would be a disciplined person.
I may already have shared with y’all about how my grandfather was absolutely certain that my cousins and I would be lazy people. All because we did not want to sweep the compound at 7am on a Saturday. LOLGod rest his soul.

But this post is not entirely about discipline (it kind of is).
It is more about coming to the realization that here is nothing I’ve super cherished that I’ve never had to work hard for, even if that work was just to appreciate what I had.
Not a job, friendship, relationship, or even hobby.
I realized a few years ago and my 2022 made it abundantly clear – anything good you want in this life, you have to work for it.
Now, I most certainly do not believe that you should have to lose yourself to draining or painful work for you to enjoy life, but I most definitely believe that the best things require intentional effort.

Relationships are hard. Being true to you is hard.
Friendships are hardwork. Like I said before, none of those should be draining work but it is hard work.
I have some friendships turning almost 20years in the next few months. While I love and cherish them, I realize that those relationships have been filled with ups and downs.
And pretending it’s not so, does nothing for me.
It’s the lows that make me appreciate the highs more – and knowing that it took intentional work to get there, makes me hold on to it even more.
Interacting with people can be hard but make sure you invest in people that are worth it.
With the understanding that even if it seems easy or hard, you have to choose them every single day.

What Do You Mean You’re Getting Old?

My father turns 70 this September.
For a few years, I have been terrified of the prospect and the reality of my parents getting older.
I typically do well challenging irrational fears in may head but this one has only grown over the years.
I think there is something about the inevitable that rings true but also knowing fully well that you do not control anything.
I love my parents dearly as you may know but yeah, it scares me.

My parents also live a world away from me. So we do not get to talk everyday.
Sometimes when I get a call or message from them, I panic.
The panic became clear in my voice as they would call me.
One day recently, my mom snapped at me on the phone because I sounded super concerned as I picked her call.
I get it. No one wants to feel like every time they call someone, they induce fear but what can I say?!
I love my parentssss!
I even had to make it clear to them to never lie to me about anything, especially their health.
Too many times, I have heard of people who’s parents hid critical conditions from them till the very last minute.
Not only robbing them of time with their families but also creating a shock reaction when the inevitable loss happens.
May we never experience that in our lives and for those that have, I pray healing for you.
More importantly, the feelings I have continue to remind me to be intentional about loving my parents as aggressively and intentionally as I can. I hope you do the same for you and yours.

Anyway, I just wanted to sound this out because it is something that has been weighing heavily on me lately.
Can you relate to any of the areas I spoke to this week?
IF you can, let me know in the comments section or on Twitter/Instagram.

What If I Left?

What would happen if I wasn’t here anymore?
Not dead.
Just not actively present for your interaction or consumption.
Lately, I have been feeling the intense urge to disappear.
Like leave everything behind and just go. I have begun to understand the people that leave everything and start over.
It may seem irrational to some people and even crazy but I get it.
Most people would never have the courage to make that choice but I am not most people and I believe in putting my peace first.
So hmmmm.
It’s not something I have planned out…yet but I am curious to find out if other folks feel the same way.
Let me know in the comments as well.
Till next time, stay up!

Here are my Top Songs I have been listening to this week

Look What You’ve Done Already by Greatman Takit

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/track/7KuXYbVO5fi6Re3q0iJTEN?si=09eede7d06f343a7
Apple: https://music.apple.com/us/album/look-what-youve-done/1654101154?i=1654101155

Winner by Laolu Gbenjo

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/track/2OMk1HNj8KRfWDNEBAZrlE?si=4ohRLLgNSGqBqfxbRvQY-A&context=spotify%3Asearch
Apple: https://music.apple.com/us/album/winner/1657202490?i=1657203024

Out of My Belly (Live) by Prospa Ochimana

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/track/3SOkbv11x75E80JkRkjnLc?si=LcFlfuo9TruBMFFGzohO3Q
Apple: https://music.apple.com/us/album/out-of-my-belly-live-feat-theophilus-sunday-moses-akoh/1638999661?i=1638999664

You Are the Most High (Tungba) – BisiManuel

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/track/0rc242rWKrEORBY72947n6?si=umUqyjf5SfiJtSBgRuegWQ
Apple: https://music.apple.com/us/album/you-are-the-most-high-tungba/1636973873?i=1636973874

Miracle No Day Tire Jesus by Moses Bliss, Festizie & Chizie

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/track/4BdSQteqYNDGU8oD487KEU?si=RJzm3FdWTAKajMRy120fxA
Apple: https://music.apple.com/us/album/miracle-no-dey-tire-jesus/1660962372?i=1660962373

Please comment, retweet and share. Thank you for your continued support.
You are highly appreciated.

WordsOfWednesday

© 2023 #WhatTheHeckMan

I got promoted.
I’ll come back to that shortly.

During my company’s holiday party in December, I was walking through the venue.
It had thousands of people in attendance including. There was incredible food, drinks, laughs and a musical performance by one of the most legendary pop artists of our time.
As I waded through the crowd to use the bathroom, I got stopped by someone.
They nervously tugged at my blazer.
If you know me, I initially looked down in such disgust.
Like huh?
Who touched me????

I didn’t recognize the face as I looked down and they quickly introduced themselves
“Hi Ade, it’s me __”
I beamed a huge smile in response.
A quick awkward hug and I was looking at them again.
They quickly said
“Thank you for everything”
That was one of 4 similar encounters that night. I had hired him and the three other people that came up to me that night.
Because of the pandemic, much of their recruitment and onboarding had happened virtually. In some cases, I never saw their faces unless I stalked their LinkedIn profiles.
As I walked away that night, I felt a sense of pride. I brought some incredible people to the company.
In some cases, it was giving them their dream jobs.
One of the 4 was a recent Phd graduate and this was his first “big boy” job.

Last week, I found out that I got promoted.
The only one on my large team to get promoted and scored a 110% on my annual evaluation.
Why is all of this relevant?
I am pretty darn good at my job. Phenomenal actually. You should see me in action.
But I can’t help but remember how I almost never even got this far in my career.

A few years ago, I got called into a room with my director at the time and my lead. They told me that I wasn’t doing my job fast enough.
In my mind I was.
I may not have been moving as fast as they wanted and that’s okay. But their delivery that day was harsh.
And for someone only a few months into that role, it shook me and discouraged me.
I believe their intent was to inspire me but it actually made me consider quitting.
But obviously, y’all know how stubborn I am. So I didn’t give up and here I am today.

Sometimes I hear the way my teams and leaders praise my work and a part of me is truly amazed.
I got better. I worked harder.
I pushed myself but I had help along the way. After I left that company, I worked for two leaders that believed in me and gave me the reins to push boundaries.
I may not have been fast enough there but under the right leadership, I am the pace setter.

I wrote this WOW to remind you to believe in yourself and bet on you.
Don’t let anyone tell you you’re not good enough or great enough.
Always take constructive feedback and apply it where needed but never give up on you because of someone else.
Imagine if I gave up, the 100’s of candidates that have gone through me may not have the amazing opportunities they have right now.
You are right where you need to be. Slow it down or speed it up but never stop moving.

Please comment, retweet and share. Thank you for your continued support.
You are highly appreciated.

WordsOfWednesday

© 2023 #WhatTheHeckMan

In previous years, I’ve written this as “random facts about me or get to know me” but it’s January 6th, 2023 – I have been up since about 6am in Ghana for my friends wedding.
I waited till a little past 8 to get dressed and I’m heading to the gym downstairs.
I have just taken my “first naked pictures of the year”. Relaxxxxx!
It’s not really naked from the point of nudes but I’ve tracking my body and my progress for about 9months.
I’d love to see what I look like by Jan 6th, 2024 by God’s grace.But as my birthday approaches, I am reviewing who I am and what I love. So here are 32 things about me, things I have learned and thoughts I have. I hope you enjoy!

1. I love worship. Specifically African worship. Don’t get me wrong, I love me some Maverick City and Hillsong but how do you translate Ijinle ninu Ijinle where the meaning carries weight?
2. I enjoy pushing my own boundaries and limits. Whether it’s going heavier at the gym or testing my discipline, I really like seeing how far I can go.
3. I love learning my body and that has transferred into loving my fitness journey.
4. I struggle to ask for help. Don’t we all?Those of you that know how to ask for help, please how do you do it?
5. I am an experience. If you have the privilege of knowing or loving me, just know you’re in for a treat. Nuff said.
6. I really like cooking and creating new recipes. I don’t even know when I started loving cooking as much as I do but I thank my mom for letting me cook my first pot stew at 9 years old. Since then I have created many things since then and I just want to say thank you to mama Adewus. Check out @chefadewus on Instagram for your food inspirations.
7. I am currently learning a language and an instrument.
8. I am the first of 4 children. Being the oldest fills me with pride but Omo e be tins.
9. My last name is NOT Adewusi.
10. As I get older, my appetite and ambition continue to increase. I want more out of life and I work harder.
11. I give the best surprises. Ask about me. BUT I kinda hate surprises. 
With surprises, because of how much work I put into making sure I give the best ones, I think my standards
12. I lost 54lbs and I decided on March 16th, to absolutely change my physical and mental health and well-being. It’s coming up a year and I’m excited to transfer my disciple, dedication and grit to other areas of my life. Finances, coming for you next!
13. I really love writing as you can imagine – people call me The Wordsmith but I now hate reading! Actually I don’t hate it, I just don’t know if I have time daily to read anymore. I’m going to try to read more this year.
14. I love flowers. I typically get them every couple of weeks but I realize that the flowers are simply a symbol of my self love towards myself. Don’t get me wrong a bubble bath and getting your nails done is not the true meaning of self love but the physical can impact the emotional/spiritual. I love walking into my home with fresh flowers, with gel on my fingernails, with lavender in the air, with smooth jazz as my clouds. I love giving Sanmi his flowers, because he deserves all of them.
15. I schedule cry sessions. I feel a lot when it comes to the world. Empath some people say and sometimes the weight of the world can be too much. So I find time to cry and let it out. Gospel music is the surest vehicle to tears. I don’t even be trying half the time. I’m just here trying to praise God and next thing – wennnnnnnn.
16. I’m scared of my parents aging. My father turns 70 this year and I am trying to capture every moment with him and my mom. I know God will bless both with long life but damn. Do they really gotta get grey? Fucking biology.
17. I hate people gossiping about me. Even if it’s positive. Something about it always feels off but I guess it should come with the territory. Because there are times when I find myself sharing positive things about people I know. A few years ago, I decided that I wanted to change many things about my life and one of them was gossiping. It’s so easy to get caught in it.
You’re with your guys/gals and someone’s name comes up. It feels harmless to just talk about them. A few words shouldn’t hurt but it can definitely cause harm. More often than not, we are sharing things that we cannot say in front of them, so I have chosen to be different.
18. I do not typically dream when I sleep. I realize that if you have been following me for a while, there are some things here that you may have read before.
but yes, I rarely have dreams.
19. I love the sky. Like a lot.I love pictures of the sun. Sunrises or sunsets. Even random pictures of the sky just warm my heart. Forget God in the heavens for a sec (never forget God o) but I love the sky because it signals hope. I remember growing up either staying at my grandparents or at my uncle’s and aunt’s – when I missed my parents or my family, I would just look up into the sky. Sometimes in the star filled night and rest easy on the promise that the sun always rises in the morning to brighten up the sky.
20. There is nothing I set my mind to that I cannot achieve – NOTHING. I think it is the fear of failure or the need to never get complacent. I usually find myself tigerishly chasing after new goals. There is something about reminding your mind and body that you got this. 
I love how sometimes my friends tell me that it actually inspires them to chase their own dreams and goals. That is the world I want to live in continuously – so what am I looking to conquer next? 
Mastery of a language, playing an instrument and maybe building out another stream of income. 
Read my report at the end of 2023 and see how far I go.
21. I can start a conversation with anyone about almost anything. I am sure I picked this up from my dad. I used to watch him go to the dealership or the airport and just strike up a conversation with anyone! 
Frankly as a child, it kind of annoyed me but I see the value in it now. Especially because it happens so naturally, I never find myself begging for the conversation but if it we want to talk about stars or animals or the upcoming elections in Nigeria, I find myself capable of having those conversations. And truthfully, I like that about myself. 
I also think it’s because I remain curious about the world. I am always reading articles and trying to learn more about the world. My travels also help a bit as I always find myself learning from people and picking up new things.
22. I’m unlearning hardship and choosing ease. 
For those of us that grew up in Nigeria or in other parts of the world and with less than, there was a way we were taught to view the world. You had to grind for everything and not take the things you had for granted. 
I agree and believe that is the right way to navigate the world but I also believe that it sometimes forms a dependency on hardship and it can be hard to unlearn. 
Because of that upbringing, we hold on to hard situations and things that make us grind for happiness. I am looking to unlearn that – especially in 2023 and beyond. We strive for ease.
23. I really love traveling – growing up, I would watch my father as he watched Discovery Channel or the History Channel. He still loves documentaries so much. 
Somehow, it opened my eyes to the vastness of the world. Every time I travel, I realize how much of the world I have not seen and how small I am in it but also how big my impact can be. 
If you can travel, do it. 
Doesn’t have to be far countries or complex trips – start by exploring your own city and then state, then your country and others around it that you can drive to. You’ll begin to find that you make up a great big world and people are waiting to meet you.
24. I have the worst motion sickness. I had to put this one here right after the travel one because as much as I love traveling, I HATE the motion sickness I get. 
It is also why I don’t do rollercoasters. I am thankful for Dramamine. I can’t remember where or when I discovered it but it has changed how I travel and ride in cars. If you had bad motion sickness, you should check it out and see if it works for you. 
https://www.dramamine.com/products/motion-sickness-medicine/dramamine-non-drowsy
25. I struggle with letting people love on me.
In therapy – working on it. Even this birthday, I struggled with letting people do nice things for me. 
It always makes me feel bad that I can sometimes feel emotionally closed off but I want to be better and let people give the love I give to them back to me.
26. Kindness over everything. 
I believe that kindness should be the most important trait when dealing with people. I don’t think there is enough of it going around the world. 
One goal of mine this year is to show a bit more kindness in every space I occupy.
27. My favorite word as I get older is IMPACT. If you know me well enough, you’ll know that it drives everything I do and want to do. Are you being impactful in the spaces you occupy?
28. My favorite meal of all time is spaghetti with my pasta sauce and meatballs. Don’t ask me why but I also like to boil some plantain and an egg in that joint. Tastes heavenly – you should have me make it for you at some point.
29. I am learning that my depression and mental health challenges don’t make me less of an amazing person.
30. I really enjoy reading all your comments when I post blogposts. You may not know it but on those dark days, I pull up your comments and sometimes read them, in a way, my art makes me feel seen and I thankful that it resonates with you all. So please never stop commenting and sharing, I appreciate it.
31. I have incredible music taste. You’ll catch me listening to Neo soul and then rap, then UK rap, then acrobats, then jazz – all of them dey and I love it.
32. I am grateful for everything I am and everything I have and what is to come. Simple.

Please comment, retweet and share. Thank you for your continued support.
You are highly appreciated.

WordsOfWednesday

© 2023 #WhatTheHeckMan