Who do you love?

I want to put a disclaimer out before I start writing this post. Some of what you read may trigger, upset disappoint or surprise you.
Nevertheless, I hope you enjoy this post.

Who do you love?
Who do you rep?
Who do you belong to?

It’s amazing how many of you thought about those questions above and immediately thought about the “people” in your life.
The others.
When in actual fact, the answer should be YOU, first.

It’s nothing to be sad or ashamed about. Fundamentally, we are want to belong to someone. To mean something to someone.
For a long little while now, I have felt incredibly alone.
It’s not something you can fix and it’s not like I don’t have people in my life but feeling unseen is something I have always struggled with since I was a boy.

Talking to my therapist over the last few weeks, it’s clear that my abandonment issues run deeper than I thought but also clear that I am not as good as thought at hiding my depression. Or maybe she’s just really good at her job.
Sometime in August 2020, I began feeling a pain in my stomach.
It was sharp and hard to explain away.
On the back of losing my job in March 2020, I drank way more than I needed to. Depressed, overweight and guzzling gallons of hard cider, I thought it must have been the problem.

Two years later, the doctor finally claims to have a diagnosis – one that I spiritually and physically reject.
Tons of tests, MRI scans, tubes up places hard to explain.
It’s been rough.
And, yeah you guessed it, lonely.

Why did I start by talking about my abandonment issues?
Well, last week my therapist asked that I take a leap and start sharing more with people close to me.
So I took a leap of faith and did – welp, that backfired.
Not only did they start by being upset with me for not sharing sooner, they soon failed to even dig deeper on what may have been wrong.
Leaving me back where?

Let me explain something – for people that struggle to trust people with the darkest of them, it’s never out of a lack of options.
Its more about what happens when the baton is dropped.
Don’t get it wrong, expecting the worst to happen is wrong and now how you should love. But when you repeatedly feel let down, you start to believe a reality where you don’t think you deserve love.
This leads to you not only further isolating but also sabotaging spaces where genuine love could grow.

I am thankful for those that love me and are intentional about showing it.
I am learning to accept it – it’s hard.
Think of it like this, I am trying to undo decades of being in the “shadows” – your light aids my journey out of darkness.
One day at a time.

For right now, wrap your arms a bit tighter around that person that means something to you.
Whisper what they mean to you.
Then belt it out in your actions.
Your arms are enough for a hug, but everyone does better when they feel the warmth of love around them.

Check your s&*(&t

If you even remotely use social media and haven’t been sleeping under a rock for the past few months and years, you’ll realize that biases are everywhere. Many of them, negative towards furthering a sense of community and belonging.

All over the world, biases and micro aggressions continue to drive a wedge between people you expect to know better.
Hate sells.
It burns but it sells.
It’s important to always check your biases – even when you think you are infallible, you’re not.

When I was about to start working with my therapist that I now absolutely love.
I remember the day she and others were recommended to me. I almost did not select her because she was not smiling in her profile picture. I thought she would be “mean”.
Even me that I have spent countless hours with mental health professionals – I almost gave into my biases.
I am glad I checked myself and went forward.

In the quiet moments, check your biases.
“I don’t have any problem with _” but you won’t get close to them. Yes, you do.
Be better.
Do better.
You’ll be better for it.

Till next week, love on yourself.
I am certainly going to spend time working on it. I hope you do too. Have a great rest of the day and week ahead.
All my love. 🌹

Please comment, retweet and share. Thank you for your continued support.
You are highly appreciated.


© 2023 #WhatTheHeckMan

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