Hero, Past

Where do you get your random silent thoughts?
The ones that come to you at the weirdest times and about the most abstract things?
I love conversations with people in my life that stimulate thoughts in the moment and later.

It’s been an interesting couple of days and weeks y’all.
Since I last wrote to you, I have experienced the coldest of moments – masked next to the one I love but unable to feel their warmth and deep into the heat of one of God’s greatest creations.
It’s been a time.
I randomly tweeted this a little while ago before I even started writing this but I am truly grateful for the life I am living and also being able to document it.

You know what will be a random cool thing.
My children can spend their lives reading my blogposts – not only learning a bit about the type of man their father is/was but also watching me grow and live through my words.
What a gift.

Anyway, this week – I have been thinking.
A little while ago someone asked me whatI regretted the most? I truly live like I don’t have regrets.
Some things may hurt in the moment but I am not sure I have felt regret.
Despite feeling like that, there are times where I would get that question and my mind would immediately go to one incident.
I would feel a sickening in my stomach but I always quickly moved on to the fact that I am not that man anymore.
No, I will never angrily ask for money I loaned out again.

But that got me thinking about pasts and the future.
I think we spend a lot of our life thinking about our past and it causes us to mess up our presents in our present.
See what I did there? LOL
Ugh, I love you Sanmi!
But you feel me?
I remember feeling like I was not worthy of love because I had hurt some women in my past.
Or trying to avoid loving again because of my previous mistakes.
There is a lot our past rightfully informs but I think you should obsess on having the best possible future than worrying about your past.
It’s done.
Can’t be changed.
Can’t apologize for itself or make life have turned out any different.
You know what has that power though?
The present one enough to influence the future.


Today I got the random urge to listen to one of my favorite songs from almost 12 years ago.
It was so random.
I walked back into my hotel room and played it – it’s playing now in my ears – and it transported me to 2012.
Like that entire summer.
A song that I played almost everyday for three years, I suddenly haven’t heard in almost a decade.
But once I played it, it took me right back to that time.
My physical body felt it.
And it warmed my soul. It gave life.

So here are 5 songs I love and the story behind them

DJ Sbu ft. Zahara – Lengoma

OMG guys!
As I wanted to start writing this segment, I thought to pull up the full meaning of Lengoma for you all.
In searching that, I stumbled on this page that has a more soulful version of the song!
Who knew I could fall in love with the song that signaled that I would fall in love?

The Summer of 2012, I was trying to determine what my love life and life in general would be after graduating that year. I stumbled on this song but it guided my path for the next few years.
It would calm me on some days and others give me joy and largely hope.
This song spoke that I could deserve love and it found me a few weeks into me finding it.
And till today this song remains while love has come and gone.

Future – Turn On The Lights

I was slipping away like the sonic sounds in the beginning of this song takes you to another dimension.
Close your eyes for a second and listen.
This song was that.
Long nights staying up late, falling deeply in love
That was me in the fall of 2012. Madly smitten. Gone in love.
Yup, fried.
I loved her so much and this song let me know it.
In such a weird way – looking for her, turning on the lights in my life – let her in and I found her.
And that year it was magical – yes, this was my love song.

Jesse Jagz – Sugar Cane Baby

This was the first song I ever dedicated to a woman I loved.
It was also the first time I realized that I could spit poetry over sounds. If you have ever gotten the privilege of listening to a #WhatTheHeckMan AfterDark drop – this song birthed that.
I could tell you about how we blasted this song driving from San Diego to Sacramento or how I had it playing with candles lit in her shared apartment.
The song gave color to words that I felt but never how to deliver.
Have you ever had a song dedicated to you or one you dedicated to someone?
I hope your life is like a song that you have mastered it’s adlibs and beat changes. Make the most delightful soundtracks.

Adrian Marcel – 2AM. ft. Sage The Gemini

I had just moved to the East Bay after graduating and with my heart in shambles, this song kept me going.
One night I was coming from a party but I was meant to be heading to my parents house in Sacramento.
I took the wrong turn and ended up in a one way tunnel.
I sped all the way to the end hoping no car was coming head-on. That was the day I discovered Alameda, where I would ultimately live for the next few years.
That night though, I pulled over and cried for about 30minutes before driving another two hours to my parents house.
Many things happen late but at the right time.
That night, I was just grateful that I could still see the stars.

Moses Bliss – Too Faithful

The pandemic hit us like a whirlwind. I don’t think many of us had experienced anything quite like it.
I saw 2008/2009 through the eyes of my parents – I was too young and too distracted but seeing the way layoffs swarmed in early 2020 was scary.
I remember I had just stumbled on this song.
I was panicking. I had only started my job the previous August and I wasn’t sure they would keep me.
It was my first real senior position in tech and I loved my team.
I did not want to be one of the ones let go.
I remember playing this song all night for a week straight as I waited for the hammer to drop.
It eventually dropped and put me out of my misery.
I was angry at God – I mean the lyrics said he was too faithful to fail me.
Did he fail me?
I was on the shelf for a little over 90days – but I came back better.
Landed a job I loved and was a stepping stone to greatness.
The song made me look back, God’s faithfulness is sure but it doesn’t always look like what you expect it to.

Till we read again, stay up!

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You are highly appreciated.


© 2023 #WhatTheHeckMan

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