Please read all the way through – there are some gems and gifts at the end.
“God, please hug me”
I kept repeating that over and over as I began to sob while driving.
My heart was feeling lighter but I my eyes were heavy.
I had known I needed to cry for weeks that I needed to cry but I couldn’t find it.
A song came on as I approached the Dallas Fort Worth rental car center to return my car.
It’s called Emergency by Gaise Baba. I had heard the song before but never really digested it.
It’s off the album that has the hit song, Elijah Level.
One of the lines in the song says
“I’ll be foolish to think I can handle it
Blood dey my body oh”
The premise of the song is acknowledging the somewhat powerless nature of human beings and emphasizing that we need God for everything.
There are certain areas of my life where I have sometimes felt in charge – like I did that!
As I get older, I am realizing more and more that I cannot do anything without God.
There are deep battles that I don’t think I can win alone or by watching Youtube videos.
I found it necessary to submit in that moment. About 45mins later I was hugging my friend Temi and chatting like I wasn’t just bawling my eyes out.
Therapy changed my life.
It’s helping me put vocabulary to my feelings but also reminding me to not hide any parts of me.
I really like my therapist and as someone who has worked in therapy environments, it’s amazing to have my person that obsessively works to uphold my wellbeing.
Very rarely do you see your actual growth in real time. It’s kinda jarring to see some things play out right in front of you.
It’s easy to blame others for why certain relationships don’t work out.
But look inward – where did you mess up?
Where did you take your eye off the ball? Where did you get lazy, absent?
One area where I have come to learn to take responsibility is not setting myself up for failure.
The signs are always there. I preach that all the time but sometimes I am the architect of my own pain.
A quick lesson when navigating through life – focus on the facts in front of you. Leaning on potential is one quick way to hurt yourself but I digress.
“Why do we fight tooth and nail to keep in people who are trying to break out of our lives?”
This amongst many questions are what my therapist poses to me every week.
“You have to take someone for who they are.
You have to let people change for themselves.
You can only get into a relationship if you are not truthful to yourself. You cannot expect that because of the things that God has placed in you, you assume that people will see their potential.
You cannot connect your self-worth to your relationships.”
These are some things she has said to me over recent sessions.
I know many of them to be true but have I always lived by them?
I begged for love y’all.
Many of you that have been following my writing for years would know I talked about never begging for love again.
And that was what she was focused on and I want to focus on with you all.
You deserve love.
Transparent. Stimulating. Filled with grace, forgiveness and kindness.
Involved and willing to work through things love. Love should not feel like a burden but when two people, friends or lover friends are truly committed to each other, there should be collaborative efforts to build together.
As someone who has previously been broken while trying to fight for love, I ask that you fight for people that want to fight for you. I saw this quote recently that said
I am not saying that love needs to be painful or tear-jerking but if your “love” dies on the back of things insignificant in the big picture, then it was never love. Plain and simple.
I believe that when two people are breaking up, it shouldn’t feel like a surprise to either party. If genuine transparency and communication has been present, then it shouldn’t feel like a surprise.
See y’all, anyone that truly loves you will love you. I was watching a sermon the other day and the pastor joked and said that the next time someone says “I love you” to you – ask them which kind?
Because if it’s the type in the Bible then it requires way more than most are willing to give.
And that right there should be your first sign, not your last.
What do your scars look like?
I made a mistake recently and hurt someone I care about a couple of weeks ago. While I initially felt hurt by their actions, I used a medium well-known to me to vent and hurt someone I loved.
You should be able to audit yourself. You may think you are a good person and people love you for it.
Granted one mistake or two doesn’t make you a bad person but good people can do bad and hurtful things. And it’s “ok”. We have a tremendous capacity to hurt the people we love – it’s actually easier to hurt them because you know so much about them. It sucks but it’s real.
Sometimes many of us cannot reconcile our “good nature” with the hurt we cause and subsequently how people we love view us.
Be kind to people and in turn, yourself.
Stick to your routines and also screw them.
I didn’t realize what going to the gym meant for me. For a lot of people, they probably think it’s just a fitness thing but years ago, morning workouts became my thing but also became my communion time with God.
I would sing, dance and pray across the gym.
Mornings were meant for my physical and spiritual bodies getting the care they need.
Being injured over the last couple of weeks let me know that I live by my routines but I was reluctant to change the system. I felt more depressed from not sticking to my routine than just finding a workaround.
Most of the time God speaks to me is in a place of worship. I think it’s easier to arrest your heart while you’re “komole-ing” (put definition) to songs of his greatness and majesty.
So not having that time in the gym made me feel like I wasn’t able to work God into my schedule and it saddened me.
Quickly I realized that I needed a way to carry God more actively in my day.
How do you manage to keep God active in your day?
I also had to afford myself more grace – my life won’t always go according to my detailed plan and that is okay. I’m on God’s timing and plan.
Allow flexibility in your life to ebb and flow – remember that riding tides sometimes is just about staying afloat.
Words of Affirmation
Lastly, I wanted to share something I have been working on.
I believe I wrote a few weeks ago about doing affirmations as my therapist asked me. I was asked to write one about myself internally and one about my body. The body one HARD O!
But I figured out a way for the internal one – I bought these affirmation cards from Amazon and daily, I read one.
I love these because there is also a question in the back to spark thought, so yes, great addition.
Here is the one for today – I hope it helps someone out there and find the link to the cards below.
Affirm yourself today in your own way.
The last compliment I received: “You definitely have grown as well. Usually, when I talk to you I feel like you see me as that 20-something yr old and I feel so ashamed and then angry because of it. But now, I see the me I have been working on and the you that has matured and shows grace.”
The compliment I want most: “I see you and I know you are trying your best”
Link to cards: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B09CMVVJ2H/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&th=1
Over the last few years, people have asked me to share my gospel music playlist and frankly, it has always felt overwhelming to do but I finally did it.
Please see my Yoruba gospel playlist and my gym playlist below. Feel free to share with as many people as possible.
I hope it truly blesses you and yours.
Apple Music: https://music.apple.com/us/playlist/praise-gym/pl.u-4JomX7BtMMmXYg
Apple Music: https://music.apple.com/us/playlist/t%E1%BA%B9riba/pl.u-55D6XW5FYYVXoq
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