Fiction

The Wordsmith #26

#WhatTheHeckMan 4

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Happy Birthday to Me! 😊

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The number is irrelevant
Well it’s not
That’s the number of miles on my car
Not reflective of the miles my heart has traveled
The accidents along the way
The flats
The high octane
Nitro powered memories
Taking it all in
I’m trying really hard not to cry
But I feel it’s inevitable
Here they come
First flow
Damn it!
I swore I wouldn’t cry
What The Heck Man

A week from today
I celebrate a new age
A different man
From the one that cried when my innocence was snatched
By blood
So I sit here and recollect my journey
Assessing my victories, defeats, and in-betweens
I lied
To me
And to some people I loved
Or at least it felt like love
But I have pieces of their shattered glass in my hands
So is that love?

I’ve betrayed trust
Lost friends
Felt like I was going insane
But always found a way
To hold my truth
To remind myself that my shortcomings don’t make me
I held love at a distance
But I craved it on the inside
I wanted more from me
But I felt my well dry up
Till I had nothing left to give

I strayed from his grace
As one negative thing after the other
I hid in my space
Unable to seek his face
My heart would convict
But I always listened to my first instinct
Run
But where to
Into the arms of empty people
With beautiful hearts
But unable to provide the love I sought
I continued to run
Gather them round
Enough love will fill you up
Or so I thought

Like a Falcon
I rose from the ashes
Failed relationships
Bad breaks
Medium rare
Skin peeled like steak
I told myself that I could not afford to lose
Not again
So walking shoes
To love that completes
Who wants he reggae without the blues
It’s a pleasure to serve you
Me
To be me
To be unique
And unapologetic

Then I found myself in my peace
Everything I needed was within reach
Deep within me
So I embraced me a bit longer
Some nights my mind will wander
To what could have been
But after all, I have seen
I love me
Oh so very much
Enough to know that this is not my last stop
There is so much more
Destined for me, from God
I used to wish I didn’t feel
That I couldn’t bleed
But that wouldn’t be me

My purpose is to be a vessel
That negotiates greatness and solidifies hope in the hearts of those needing
And I cannot fall short
My experiences are real
Sometimes things have been a thrill
A whirlwind
But just like the 80’s films
I want to stand on a hill
And peer into the hearts of those I gave love
You are unique
Just like me
To truth, to love
I smile from the heart
And I look forward to another year of being a blessing
You can burn a castle down
But it doesn’t limit the impact of royalty
It’s twenty-six
Nothing is an easy fix
There are cracks in my armor
But there is vigor and value
An unction to function
A renewal of my being
A reintroduction of you to me

Today I am thankful for every tear
Every un-replied text
And every forgotten moment
I am grateful for the all time low
But I have risen after breathing underwater
To say thank you
To loves, life, and lessons
It’s another moment of reflection
And looking back
All I can say is #WhatTheHeckMan
To those who stood firm
I bless God for you
Thank you for being here
From the bottom of my heart
My love to you is sincere
Thank you for allowing me to share my truth
In your day of glory
I will be able to celebrate with you
I love me a little bit more
Because of you
So whenever you may need
Remember you mean the world to me
So thank you
Today and everyday
It’s the one and yours,
The Wordsmith.

Get to Know “The Wordsmith”

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  1. What’s the first thing you notice about people?
    Their scent and how they talk to others.
  2. What is your eye color?
    Brown
  3. Scary movie or happy endings?
    Happy Endings. I don’t like scary movies because I don’t feel like they are real. Like they won’t happen. Like all the fishes in the water will magically turn evil and eat us all. Who wants to watch that?
  4. Favorite smells?
    Tom Ford Noir.
  5. What’s the furthest you’ve ever been from home?
    Living in Nigeria when my family relocated from Nigeria in the early 2000’s. I lived with my uncles and aunts in Lagos and some parts of it with my grandfather in Ikenne where my mother is from.
  6. Do you have any special talents?
    Define special. I can create content on any topic. Or make you cry with my words. Good enough?
  7. Where were you born?
    Sacramento, California.
  8. What are your hobbies?
    Writing, creating spoken pieces, poetry, watching anything about nature
  9. Do you have any pets?
    Nah but I wish I had a boxer tho! Ugh…. I really want a dog but nahhhh.
  10. Do you have any siblings?
    3 beautiful and amazing people.
  11. What do you want to be when you grow up?
    I never grow like this? An impactful person that changes lives with every and anything I do.
  12. Who was your first best friend?
    Deji Fakoya
  13. How tall are you?
    6’1
  14. Funniest moment throughout School?
    Highschool NEPA took light, I dashed across the room and kissed the girl I liked on the cheek. She ran up to me, slapped me and told me to never try it again. Funny now but it wasn’t in 2005.
  15. How many countries have you visited?
    10+
  16. What was your favorite/worst subject in High School?
    Favorite: Literature and English
    Worst: Math
  17. What is your Favorite drink? Animal? Perfume?
    Favorite drink has to be water, to be honest.
  18. What would you (or have you) name your children?
    Not sure yet but something that glorifies the name of the Lord whenever it is called.
  19. What Sports do you play/Have you played?
    Play soccer, but I have been out injured since August, so yeah. Bummer.
  20. How many Girlfriends/Boyfriends have you had?
    3. Two are married. Funny how life works out.
  21. Favorite memory from childhood?
    Watching Saworoide with my entire family and Grandma. May her soul Rest in Peace.
  22. How would you describe your fashion sense?
    I have small money now. Lol.
    Nah but I can truly buy some of the things that I feel like they represent where I am and how I feel inside.
  23. Tell us one of your bad habits!
    I beat myself up too much and blame myself for everything.
    24. Are you named after anyone?
    My absolutely amazing father.
    25. When was the last time you cried?

Today.
26. If you were another person, would you be a friend of yourself?
Yes, I would. In my great space, which I am in now, I am a good friend.
27.* What are you most grateful for?
God. I am grateful for God because he is faithful even when I am faithless and unfaithful. I have sinned, fallen short of his glory. Betrayed trust, lost friends, hurt people I love(d), been unaccountable, manipulated things and situations. But God has never forsaken me.
I am grateful for my resiliency. That somehow I find a way to continue to press on.
I am thankful for #TheRants and #WhatTheHeckMan. You guys make being creative so worth it.
Let me tell you all a story, there was a time a few years ago when I felt like I was going to give up. Give up on EVERYTHING.
You know somewhere in my heart, I thought to myself, how would my readers feel. Like what would they read on Saturdays? There are days when I don’t feel good enough at ANYTHING. I feel empty. Your comments and reactions to my work, fills me up.
So if you are a regular commenter, thank you! And if you are not, start today. It truly goes a long way.

I am grateful for those that love me and never give up on me.
I am heavily flawed and sometimes broken but to those that love me unconditionally, I can never thank you enough.
God Bless you, and I pray that I can always give that same love back to you.

I am not perfect. Far from it. I own my flaws and I try to do better daily.
My biggest prayer from God is that everyday in my 26th year, I will be a blessing and my life will be a testimony of God’s greatness.
Happy Birthday to Meeeeeee!

New Series will be out on 2.4.17

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It’s #WordsOfWednesday by The Wordsmith @adewus4real
Stay up

Follow @adewus4real

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

#WordsOfWednesday
© 2017 #WhatTheHeckMan

#WhatTheHeckMan · #WordsofWednesday · African · Art · Bloggers · Drama · Erotica · Fiction · Life · Nigerian Writers · Oakland · Poetry · Sex · Stories · TheRants

I Got a DUI…

“I Got a DUI…”

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Breathing Underwater by Emeli Sandé

Click play before you read.

A twirl
She bopped her head and danced away in her towel
Careless and free
A smile worth any man’s pain
She leaned in close to the camera
I tilted my head for a better view
She puckered up
Then I asked
“Is this new?”

The tune blasted from the portable speakers
I watched her attempt to wine her waist
Simultaneously covering her beautiful black skin in coconut oil
She glowed from the inside
Her singing voice
Death to any tune
Sailed through my phone
I cringed and attempted to end the FaceTime call, but she smiled even more
Her smile was amazing
A close second to how beautiful she was
A new song
A different top
Lace panties on
She asked
“Should I keep the necklace on.”

A kiss goodbye
And a confident Queen sailed into the night
My overprotective warning as a gift goodbye
It was meant to be a great night with some good friends
A bar and a lounge
A chance to forget the 5 slave days that seemed like they would never end
I looked forward to tipsy snaps
Filled with her joyful laughs
They never came
Instead, I got a text
“Pulled over.”

My heart raced
I feared the worst
Her career, her family, her emotions
Her
I began to panic
Waiting for the follow-up
I waited and waited
Then I fell asleep on the couch
Morning came, and she texted again
This time I could breathe a bit
She hadn’t been detained
Another FaceTime call
She answered as she merged onto the highway
I asked
“No DUI?”

No DUI
The system couldn’t add any more toxins into her life
Her stream was filled with unwanted elements she couldn’t account for
The hospital concluded her drink had been spiked at that bar
Yes
A Queen out on the night to share her beauty with the world,
Could have been violated by a peasant with no regard for royalty
How dare he?
She looked tired
Lips chapped
Sleep, a distant companion
She headed home
Tempering my anger at my entire gender
I asked
“Are you okay?

The follow-up came hours later
She texted
“911”
To my friends that was a sounding call
Send that, and everything stops
Full attention to your aching heart
So I Facetimed her again
This time I said no words
Tears streamed down her cheeks
It dawned
She was almost raped last night
Things she had only heard about on Twitter feeds and passing conversations

It almost happened to her
And that was a painful pill
Another thing she never planned to ingest
Her eyes welled, and she shed tears
Of pain and sadness
That even in a world she loves so much
Some continue to try and hurt her
There are no words to say that can make it go away
But like I said to my friend
I am sorry on behalf of all of us
No woman, man or any other deserves to be violated
None at all

Please be watchful and vigilant around EVERYONE. My friend nearly became a victim of something so painful and damaging. Hold those around you accountable and let’s look out for each other.
Educate and please be an ally for everyone you can. Thank you.

It’s #WordsOfWednesday by The Wordsmith @adewus4real

Stay up!

My New Series will be out on 2.4.17
Follow @adewus4real

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

#WordsOfWednesday
© 2017 #WhatTheHeckMan

#WhatTheHeckMan · #WordsofWednesday · African · Art · Bloggers · Drama · Fiction · Life · Nigerian Writers · Oakland · Poetry · Sex · Stories · TheRants · Uncategorized

I Cheated. I Lied….So What?!

I Cheated. I Lied….So What?!

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11:54 pm Tuesday.
It wasn’t even on my radar to write a #WordsOfWednesday this week but God has a way of getting things out there.

I want to share some insight to someone out there. Hopefully, my story might teach someone a thing or two. I have an email to reply, but at this moment, this is heavy on my chest.
I was briefly talking to someone about 2016, she gleaned about how it was a great year for her, and I just smiled and nodded.
I hated 2016.
I hated the 2016 version of myself.
Here’s why.

I once told someone who I have known for a while who happened to be mad at me for writing about my life instead of sharing, that it is sometimes easier to talk to a stranger than to your kin.
I love sharing me with you all because well, it’s me.
I feel like I am finally back to the reason why I started this blog in the first place, to let my heart out.

I wrote last year about not loving on E but also not settling for less than…
So this is me…well the old version of me.
I liked talking to different women at once.
Truth? It was intoxicating.
One wouldn’t answer the phone, so I had another wanting to talk. One didn’t seem to care, 2 others were begging to show they cared.
It was nice to know that you would post a picture or something and 4 people will respond or things like that.
That was “cool”.
But the real reason was that it allowed me to stay ahead, see I would spread myself, parts of me across these women and prevent any of them truly being able to fully know me.
You were always close enough but never there.

Why you ask?
I hate to be cliche, but it was for fear of being hurt.
So never fully allowing yourself to open up.
Side effect? 4 eventually broken hearts. Or whatever the number was.
I fell in love with fear. It consumed me.
My birthday is coming up and I’m deciding between having a dinner or going to do something solo.
I have started reflecting. My words for 2017 are “Peace, Happiness, Purpose and Impact.”
I do not want to end this year with nothing to show for it. My purpose will be actualized, and subsequently, my impact will be felt.

12:06am
So why did I tell you about myself before? 2 reasons.
I was talking to my beautiful mother, who was advising me on love and relationships.
I was telling her of the “deadweight” I dropped last year and what not.
She laughed.
She said “they weren’t deadweight. You just picked bags that weren’t yours to carry.”
I was stunned.

Imagine yourself waiting at baggage claim after a flight. The bags start filing out, and you grab one that looks like yours off the conveyor belt. As you set it down, before you even realize its not your bag, someone comes over and takes it from you.
It’s their bag. You look down and realize its really theirs but you have now expended effort in carrying it off the belt, but it’s not yours.

That was what I did the most of in 2016.
I met someone at the end of 2015, I just wanted to be friends, and we got close very fast.
She is amazing in her own way. Personality wise, we might not see eye to eye, but I know she comes from a good place.
Eventually, she told me she had feelings for me. Now because I was so set in my ways, I refused.
I wouldn’t budge.
The more she tried to love me, the more I pushed back. Till we broke.
I found that because I didn’t love myself at the time, the “love” the person(s) had to give was just annoying to me.
So I fought back.
But I would always circle back to the question that troubled me, “why me?”

I was barely showing my real self to anyone, so why would you love me?
Why?
I hypothesized. Maybe they wanted the facade or the man they thought they knew.
The thing that hurt the most about the man I was in that time, I neglected the ones I actually loved.
My friend Ninz for example. This is a public and unsolicited apology to her
But that woman has been a rock for a nigga in some troubling times.
Annoying as she is, she is just flat out amazing.
Never told her enough.
But I was so distracted by carrying others peoples bags that I didn’t know when the bottom fell out on hers and those of others around me like Bola and Ifeanyi.

2014-2015; I was a bleeding man.
So concerned with staying ahead of the curve, I would never allow myself to feel too much.
And even when I felt, I felt for broken people who I could patch up instead of fixing myself.
But towards the end of 2016, as I came out of my surgery, I realized that what I mostly needed was me and a stronger relationship with God.
I was worshipping and being functional with him, but I was losing myself.

When you are not ready for love someone has to give you, everything they do will be annoying and overbearing.
You will find it hard to call or text.
And when they complain you will want to pull your hair out.
Listen y’all I fucked up some in 2016.

There a few people that I wish I dug deeper and called a bit more.
Asked about their well being or even listened a bit more.
But here is the catch, you can’t do that for everyone.
So the ones that are truly your friends are the ones that deserve that treatment.
Some people have walked out of my life right now, and while I miss the times we shared, I don’t miss them.
Why?
Because they never brought anything to me anyways. Doesn’t make them horrible people but its the truth.
I urge you. Do not be primarily a taker/receiver and do not be just a giver.
Find a balance.

I pray that I have the grace to continue to give without expecting anything. Pay it forward.
You will not please everyone, and you will keep everyone.
But do not lose the core of your team, trying to please the players on another team.
In some cases, less is more.
Be responsible for you also.
If someone is giving, you love that you know you don’t want, RUN.
Of if you mind is trying to tell you to save someone, RUN.

Sometimes the person that needs saving the most in that time is you.
Don’t waste time tweeting “Don’t settle for this or that. Or you deserve this or that.”
If you are still doing that, you are dwelling on the old, and you need to let that shit GO.
Nnenna used to say, she hated the fact that I allowed people that I would not invite to my family home, claim to know me.
I finally understand what she meant.
Trying to save the passengers that were never meant to go the full ride, I crashed the ship.

I like where I am in 2017.
Fewer people to worry about, focused on goals and making changes that are needed.
There is only one person, I am focusing on now, and I love it.
But also my happiness is the priority.
I have a few friends and a lot of people that love me.
My goal is to not lose sight of them. I cheated on them and on myself.

Punishing myself with temporary pleasures and short-lived highs.
When I have people that love me unconditionally that I can build lasting forevers with.
To everyone that tried to love me when I didn’t want to be loved, thank you!
I truly mean it.
And I am sorry it took me so long to appreciate it.
To the ones that have loved me and wondered who or where I was, I’m back!
Scarred and broken but better.
So here is my love and my heart to my friends, my loved ones and to you all that read, COMMENT and support. Thank you.
2017 is ours.
We grow, we learn, we thrive.
I cheated…on me…but we gon be alright!

It’s #WordsOfWednesday by The Wordsmith @adewus4real
Stay up!

My New Series will be out on 2.4.17
Please watch this space! It will be fire! My best work yet. I PROMISE YOU!

Follow @adewus4real

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

#WordsOfWednesday
© 2017 #WhatTheHeckMan