Selah by Emeli Sande
As I pulled the headphones out of my ears, I sighed.
Right as I write this, I am swimming in a mixture of emotions.
Anger, frustration, resentment, exhaustion and overall, emptiness.
The last few weeks have been defining and structurally important. It’s been a minute since we had a very real and honest “WordsOfWednesday”.
In this message, as always, I know I’ll be indirectly speaking to myself about a couple of things but who is a man without constant reflection?
So back to the last few weeks.
As we entered 2016, I was so desperate to not be where I am right now. Feeling what I feel right now.
The only difference between last year and now, I am not taking the full burden for said feelings.
I have historically been the person that would cower in emotion and blame myself for everything that has gone wrong.
Think of it like a box of donuts at work while you are on a diet.
Everyone claims they don’t want to touch it but they do, but you just walk there, take your donut and leave. When you get home, you cry tears of high fructose.
For sometime now, I thought I was broken.
Like people would tell me, “Sanmi, you’re not the man I used to know” and to some extent I agree. But I also challenge that notion.
“Why do I have to be who you want me to be? Or why do I have to be stagnant?”
I have been called “meaner, harder, less patient”… amongst others but I am thankful for all of it.
Back to those headphones, I pulled them out and I had just finished listening to voice note from a friend.
In this voice note, she spoke about all the things I didn’t do for her. How I was selfish and things.
(Back story: we had an argument last night and I snapped. Like all of the last two/three weeks came rushing out)
It brings me back to this concept of love and loving yourself.
See love is weird in the sense that it is not something from a bottomless well. You give it, you receive it.
Not in the same doses but it’s give AND take.
If you spent all your time giving love and never receiving it, you would eventually run low or run out.
And then begin to resent the people who are demanding it from you.
Emotionally, I have been running on E, for a while now.
And the man I used to be, would lie and pretend to make everyone else happy. But I cant anymore.
Like I physically cannot bring myself to lie.
Certain messages come across my phone and I become physically tired. Like tired like I just finished getting a beatdown…tired.
It’s not there.
See its not that I don’t love these people, I just am expending so much of myself in different ways that pressuring me to give what I don’t necessarily have enough off, is frustrating.
Imagine wanting a movie from the local Blockbuster store, they are showing it as “in store”. But everytime you come to the store, they tell you they don’t have it.
So why are you showing it online????
My bestfriend (who is currently not talking to me, totally related to this) called me out on it.
“Sanmi, you give just enough of yourself to draw someone in but then you close up and people are left wondering what happened or what they did wrong”
I miss the old me.
The super sweet, everyone should be forgiven me but even at that point, my ex still left me. So I obviously wasn’t as good as I thought right?
The truth is, I was trying then.
Even when I failed, I was trying. Trying to be better
I think I am finally getting back to that guy after almost two years but not for people who don’t contribute.
I have been angry for a while.
At a lot of people and for someone who writes. Calls himself “The Wordsmith”, I don’t do enough talking.
Me snapping two nights ago was out of character. Takes a lot to get me there but I am tired.
Its like I have been trying to be this thing. This person for people when I should have been filling myself up (shut up Bola)
I was already empty but here I was giving more and more.
It is so funny, you can read a birthday card from a friend and it will say stuff like “Thank you for being there for me, you taught me so much”
But once you fight?
“You never gave me anything or matched my intensity”
My point truly is, stay.
Love is great but it is not to be used like a limitless card.
See when I was giving myself years ago, I wasn’t necessarily filling up on the love from the relationship but I was filling up on God’s love.
I would sing and be happy, pray and be safe. Even though in my relationship, I was hurting.
Now, I haven’t done enough refilling.
And people have been demanding. IT’s not even like they are asking for too much.
“Reply my text, check on me”
Basic shit really but I am so spent.
My hours and days are filled with thinking about things that are so present in my world.
That sometimes the extra stuff is too much.
Sometimes I think I allowed myself to drag on baggage, I should have dropped. So I was driving around, pulling myself down.
It’s not a crime to let go sometimes.
And if God is moving things away, let him!
Love is not enough. By itself, its not enough.
It requires much more.
You can have the love but in the wrong frame of mind, time of life, to the wrong person, it will not come across.
Don’t be like me.
Thinking you are macho in healing and giving. Stop and refill.
Driving your heart on E will cause the care to explode.
Then drive into your next adventure with a clear mind.
I am probably going to cry after this because its been coming.
But I hope you learned something from all of this.
2016 has been a rollercoaster for a variety of reasons, but your heart should not be drained when it needs to be filled.
Don’t lov on E.
It will only leave you filled with resentment and still Empty.
Till next time,
Open and honest…
Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated.
© 2016 #WhatTheHeckMan