Why are you so unforgiving
Of yourself
Affording grace to yourself is like a deep struggle
Rowing upstream on a paddle board
How do you make it so easy to punish yourself
Even as life already takes it up to challenge you
Why have you decided to tattoo your pain on your sleeves
And answer it like a last name
You deserve light
The same one brimming out of you
Filling up rooms
And lives of others
The same one you work so hard to cloud
With self doubt and that pesky imposter syndrome
You deserve to feel alive
All the time
You deserve to be fine
And feel joy
And not only after you have experienced pain
If you have been reading my blog over the last few weeks, you would probably be able to tell what mental state I am in right now – slightly unhappy, maybe unsettled.
The themes keep coming up in my writings and the poem above came as a result of that as well.
I was telling someone recently that I don’t have expectations of them and I could tell the comment hurt them.
Over my years of doing therapy and working through my trauma, it became very clear that my not having expectations was a trauma response to protect myself.
People can’t really hurt you if you already expect them to hurt you, right?
I truly feel like there is a balance to be explored.
One should always show up as their best selves and ensure that you uphold the standards you set for yourself in the spaces you occupy and the relationships you build.
I know that if I heard one my friends tell me they expected nothing from me, I would probably faint.
But I truly feel like the best expectation one can have of themselves is to have a mindset that considers the best case scenario in everything.
Expect good.
Harness joy.
Find peace.
Hold on to happiness.
———
Sitting at the restaurant Itafe asked me “how does it feel to have 23K followers? Do you feel different?”
The question felt absurd to me because huh?
Why would I feel different – it’s just followers. Some people are truly great and you get to meet them but for the most part, I’m just me with more eyes watching.
The reason I have that many followers is because this video I posted went viral. I have never blocked as many people as I have in the last 6weeks.
Watching the comments come in their thousands, they have been overwhelmingly positive but also there have been a few hundred that were just mean and rude.
I’ve felt so exposed that I wanted to take down the video or limit the comments but with each passing day, someone sends me a testimony of how my video gave them hope or faith that God will do their own.
I actually wanted to do an exercise where I would go and read every single comment and count the positive/negative ones – I gave up once the comments got to 2,000.
Why am I saying this?
Your vulnerability is a strength, and you should never be made to feel less than for it.
6.7 times the video has been played and my story shared. And thousands of times, it has touched someone else. Imagine if I never shared it or spoke up –
The other big takeaway from that conversation is that boys need their time.
We need time with our friends – spending time with my guy, I felt lighter instantly and I was able to genuinely discuss how I felt about things.
So yes, pick up your phone and set up time with your friends and loved ones. It might just be the pick me up you need.
Comment, repost and share. Thank you for your continued support.
You are highly appreciated.
#WordsOfWednesday
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