feelings.

New poem that came to me as I was meal prepping.

What do you want from me?
No, tell me
Do you want me?
Or do you want me?
Do you want my body or my soul?
Or both
Who knows
Do you want me alone?
Will you ever be grown?
Because here I am feeling things
Things that are not speaking for me
Or speaking for me
Reactions to every interaction
My heart beats faster worried about the words that you might say
Or not say
Everything reminds me of what much more can be
But you say nothing
So I remain at your mercy
Longing for your voice
The same one used to wax lyrical about the things you wanted to do to me
But are there things you plan to do with me
Me as yours
Side by side
Hand in hand
Tied
One team
Same side

~~feelings.~~

Top of mountain
The breeze palming your buttcheeks on foreign beach
Unexpected money in your account
Validation offered without request
The day of victory
Curling of toes
Eyes rolling back
The first takeoff after lockdown was lifted.

Feelings are everywhere.
In many cases, we run from them. The best of them creep up on you in broad daylight.
One moment they are an unsaved number, then emoji’s next to their name, then suddenly you can breathe when they don’t answer.
Feelings eh?

I realized that as I have gotten older, being able to feel alone is not enough.
Being able to feel things and describe them aptly is a muscle that most adults need to have worked and constantly build on.
I began this a few weeks ago, I stopped answering my therapist’s “how are you?” with a generic “I’m okay”.
I started finding the actual word to describe how I was feeling.

Do you know the vocabulary for how you feel?
Can you explain the difference between you being afraid and tentative?
It has proved magical being able to tell someone you feel fear, love, joy, and more.

I laugh at those that spend so much energy trying not to feel things.
Fear of catching feelings, caring deeply for people and the rest.
But all those are feelings – you are capable of feeling. Deep rewarding feelings.

Allow yourself to feel everything.
Yes, everything.
The highs, the lows, the unknown, the certain – feel yourself.
Use the feelings chart I posted up there as much as you can.

And right now, do this exercise with me.
Read along slowly
Pause…1…2….3
Wiggle your toes!
Before you did that, were you feeling yours toes?
I bet not.
Feel within your body.
Feel your heart race and slow.
Remember to take deep breathes and wiggle your toes.