What if I was gone?

It’s Wednesday morning – WordsOfWednesday day.
I just rolled over – it’s 6:07am.
I normally would get up and head to the gym but I am exhausted. By the middle of the week, I am pretty spent physically but on Wednesdays, I find a bit more juice to push through the remainder of the week.
Today though, a bit more sleep.
Waking up on Wednesdays, I always feel inspired going into Wednesdays – halfway to the weekend and another blogpost to you all.
I want to start by saying thank you to all of you that read my posts weekly.
You keep me going.
I really appreciate it.

This is a diary entry.
I am sure that emotions I have bottled will probably spill out but we move.
I felt a bit exposed earlier today about putting this post out. I feel like I have been in a very vulnerable place and writing about my emotions quite a bit.
Maybe its just the season I am currently in but I’ll continue sharing the real with y’all.
Some of the best advice I have ever gotten for times like this is to feel it all.
Every bit of it.
The good, the icky, the high, the lows, and even the uncertain.
It’s 8:30am.

This is the latest I have come to the gym in a long time – it’s 10:09am.
I start most workouts with some HIIT core work before heading into the muscle group of the day. Today is day 12 of 20days on the treadmill doing 12.5incline/3speed/30mins.
Well today has been a bit different.
I spent the better part of the first 15mins just sobbing. I love worshipping at the gym but ooo, big man like me bawling during leg day?
I am not even sure the people watching knew I was deep in worship, they were probably just thinking that the squats got the best of me.
God abeg.

I hate rain.
Like a lot.
Not more than fruit flies but still a lot.
It’s been raining a lot in the Bay Area over the past few weeks. It has certainly coincided with my “dip” in happiness. I never understand people that love rain – like when the sun is clearly an option.
Na wa o.
Since before the turn of the new year, most of my WoW’s (WordsOfWednesday) had been written before going into the week – this week, I am just writing it today.
I have been feeling very depressed for a while and today, I legit just felt it all.

Last week, I wrote about some personal things I have been dealing with lately.
I am proud to report that people that I expected to care – don’t or didn’t even bother to check in.
It’s amazing how life can be happening to you and no one sees you.
My therapist and I have been working on various things over the last few weeks and every time something new happens, I remember her words.
For example, “your journey is not about fixing because you are not broken” or “find your happiness within because it will never come from someone else”

There are days that I miss.
The days of being carefree and without bother.
Something dawned on me recently, there is love I wish I had experienced or felt that I missed out.
There is also love that I got and wasn’t able to appreciate.
Chronological age doesn’t mean you experienced all the phases as a young child into adulthood.
The fearlessness, the innocence of youth was robbed from some of us.
I find myself visiting with the young me to know the older me.

Have you ever stared at yourself so long you almost recognized your happiness?
I really wish there were things simpler again.
I miss my memories being filled with joy and excitement.
Today, I remembered being tossed into the dryer and then drum (water storage) by my cousin and some of their friends.
They laughed about it at the time and I was terrified.
I don’t even think they realized the mark it made on me. I don’t think I did either.
But lately, I Have been trying to understand why I tend to get very jumpy – like people coming up behind me or partners feeling the need to touch me.
I cannot say for sure that it is connected to that incident but I know it coming up for 30+ me probably means it was never fully addressed.

Be good for the sake of being good.
This past Sunday, I sang and church and universally – people said I sang very well.
And it got thinking – there have been many times where I have sang in front of people and small part of me looks for the validation from them.
But why?
It got me thinking about how we need to be good – primarily for ourselves.
Not for validation or acknowledgment. For you.
Because the best you is the version that best serves the world around you.

I normally try to leave you all with some energy and words of encouragement in these posts every week.
But ooo mehn – hmmmm.
Do you feel seen?
In your life, friendships, relationships..
Does the person that you crave, see you. Your light, your pain, your fears, your brains?
Imagine tweeting about depression or anxiety but the only time your tweets are referenced is if you tweet about relationships or a woman.
It’s painful to expect the “worst” from someone you love.
Simply believing that not matter the issue, they won’t see you.
That’s rough.
I’ve been craving a hug lately from someone I love.
And I realized that one of the things I struggled with the most growing up was feeling unseen.
It got me thinking, what is your cry for help?
Like what is the thing that you would do that would send a signal to your friends to rally around you?
Imagine me, someone that doesn’t like being touched – CRAVING a hug.
It doesn’t require that your person hop on a flight and come hug you, but the simple acknowledgment could change your whole outlook.

I need a hug.
I won’t get one tonight.
Maybe that’s okay and maybe It’s not.
I am simply glad I wrote out how I feel tonight.
My therapist has me writing two affirmations a day. One that focuses on the inward and another that focuses outwardly – so I have to write one thing about how I feel inside and another about what I see outside of myself.
So maybe that is the lesson and message to you all today, affirm yourself.
It is so easy to feel negatively about yourself with everything going on in the world.
Find enough light to shine on yourself and remind yourself that you are amazing, beautiful, strong, talented, unique, capable, intelligent and more.
You are incredible.
I am thankful for you.
Till we read again, stay up and I love you.

Please comment, retweet and share. Thank you for your continued support.
You are highly appreciated.


© 2023 #WhatTheHeckMan

2 thoughts on “What if I was gone?

  1. I spent all day looking forward to your mail. Glad it finally came in. One of the reasons I look forward to reading from your POV is while I read from your view, it helps me to take a breath and just think about things you share. This was good. I realized that I am so boxed in that I don’t know to even cry out for help to people around me.

    1. Thank you so much! I appreciate you reading and commenting!
      And yes, I really love that you take a second to process as well. Life be hard and fast sometimes – I am glad that these give you a chance to slow down and feel.

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