#WhatTheHeckMan · #WordsofWednesday · African · African Fiction · African Stories · Art · Bloggers · Drama · Erotica · Fiction · Life · Nigerian Writers · Oakland · Poetry · Sex · Stories · TheRants · TheRantsShow · Uncategorized · Wirting

The Fixer

The Fixer

“I am so tired.
I am tired. I don’t need any encouraging words or “it will get better”
I am tired.
For the last 10 days, I have been dealing with family stuff as someone has been unexpectedly and worryingly sick in my immediate family.
Putting on a strong face and trying to keep it all together but dying inside.
I am so stressed. I want to cry every day but I feel like I am too strong. I need to be strong to hold it all together.
Parking was a fucking shit show this morning because of stupid construction happening in the fucking high of the day!
Took me over an hour to park. I hate everyone and everything.
My parents lied!
They promised me, forced me to get stupid degrees and promised to pay my student loans.
I make enough but the costs never stop.

Like that was money I was still thinking I would use to buy the rest of the shit I need for Nigeria or even pay for lodging!
I just want to close my eyes and everything ends.
I am tired.

I don’t want to feel all this pain.
I don’t want to be strong.
Don’t fucking know why I am typing this to you but idk.
FUCK THIS SHIT!”

I hit send on the text message, placed my phone to the side of my bed and I closed my eyes.
Seconds later, my mind was racing. I was filled with remorse and regretting even opening up.
I wanted to pick up my phone but this was not WhatsApp, this message was not getting deleted or erased.

The sunlight beamed through the blinds as I woke up. I picked up my phone and looked at the notification panel.
1:38pm.
Fuck! How did I sleep for so long?

I sluggishly got up, weaving through my notifications and apps, I ignored my bible app reminder and went straight for my iMessage.
As I pulled it up, I noticed that my message from the night before had been read four hours prior but no reply.

Fucking Kamal.

……

“Tobi, where are you?”

I heard him chuckle over the phone and he replied

“Chill, I’m coming”

I growled and snapped back

“Tobi, you said you have been coming since morning. If you couldn’t come, you should have just told me and I would have found a way to come and get it.
Where are you now, so I can come and get it?”

I could tell my anger took him by surprise as he said

“I’m already on my way to you. I’m bringing it”

I replied

“How long?!”

“15minutes”

He snarled back.

Click. The call was over.

The next roughly 15minutes were sooo annoying!
One thing I hate more than anything else is being made to wait.
I needed that bag and what is more annoying is that I gladly would have gone to get it myself.
But here I was waiting on someone who didn’t see the urgency in what I needed.

When he pulled up, I opened the door and let him in.
His first words didn’t help because I was doing everything within my power to not snatch my purse from him.
He smiled and said

“Why are you so angry?”

I took a deep breath and said

“Tobi, give me my purse”

He started trying to play hookie with me by running around the coffee table in the center of my living room.
I was so angry and I charged at him.
He ducked and turned around the couch, he was now standing between the couch and my dining table.
I stopped to catch my breath and I said

“Tobi, please give me my purse. I am tired abeg”

He smiled and started walking towards me with his hands behind his back, both on my purse.
I walked towards him and we were soon standing within inches of each other.
He leaned in and tried to kiss me.
I weaved and moved my head as I said

“Tobi stop. Just please give me my purse. I’m really tired”

He smirked and said

“Not giving it to you until you give me a kiss”

I turned around to walk away. I was boiling inside.
He tried to grab my forearm as I turned away. In one swoop, I swung around and smacked his hand.
There was a look of pure shock on his face, he clearly didn’t think I was going to hit him that hard.
He pulled his hand out and stretched my purse towards me.

I collected it and sluggishly walked into the room.
I opened the bag and began shuffling in the purse for what I was looking for.
I couldn’t find it.
I couldn’t fucking find it!
My eyes were getting cloudy and my heart was racing. I turned the contents of the purse on to the bed.
A parking ticket I had been putting off was amongst the contents. I hissed as I rummaged through the bag still looking for the item.
No luck.

I could feel my breath leaving me.
I got up and went towards my bedside desk. Opening the drawer, I started looking for it there.
Nothing.
I walked back to the bed and sat down.
At this point, the tears were coming down my face.
I was afraid.
My mind went blank. The last time I saw it, I was putting it into my purse.
So where could it have gone?
I stood up to head into the living room. As I stood up, I felt my legs give way and I slumped with the back of my head catching the corner of my bed.
The last thing I heard was Tobi bursting into my room.
I saw his legs as he bent next to me and lifted my head into his arms.

He kept calling my name.
I was slowly forgetting mine.
My eyes shut.

…..

“Do you know when the last time she took her medication was?”

Those were the first words I heard as I was getting wheeled into the emergency room. There was no way Tobi could have known.

As they parked the bed, the doctors tried to ask me some questions. I roughly remember what I said.
Soon there was a drip going into my forearm and I felt myself drifting off again. The last thing I remember was motioning weakly to Tobi who was sitting next to me, he rode up and stood over me.
I sheepishly whispered

“Kamal.”

He looked confused. I whispered again

“Call Kamal”

When I woke up about 5hours later, Tobi and Kamal were sitting on opposite sides of the bed, flanking me.
I could feel the tension between them. It was like a cloud over the open bed space.
Tobi must have used my Face ID to get into my phone which was what I expected anyways and Kamal, while worried about me, must have not understood why Tobi was there.

I slowly sat up and said

“Have you two met?”

Tobi shook his head and said

“I just called him like you asked”

My lips were chapped and my throat was dry. I swallowed hard and said

“Thank you”

I looked over at Kamal and smiled before continuing

“I told you to call Kamal because he knew my medication and would have been able to tell the doctors”

Kamal jumped in and said

“Yes, I told them already and they gave you a drip and a refill, you should be good to leave here later tonight or tomorrow if you want”

I slid back into the bed.
I could tell that Tobi was dying inside, I could see it on his face. He didn’t know why I fainted and here I was asking another man to come and meet us at the hospital. But, I was not about to explain at that time. I was too weak.
He tried to hold it together for a bit and then he said

“Hey- So I have to go and take care of some work stuff.
Will you let me know when you get discharged?”

I nodded.
He leaned in gave me a hug and then that “man” nod to Kamal before walking out.

As he walked out, I turned to look at Kamal.
He smiled without saying anything. I asked

“What?”

He smiled and said

“Nothing o. You just know how to pick them”

Slightly embarrassed, I replied

“I didn’t even do anything”

He smiled even more and said

“Yeah right, you never do”

He continued and said

“How are you feeling? I was worried when I got the call”

I looked down on the bed and said

“I’m fine to be honest, I just didn’t take my meds because I couldn’t find them.
But I’m good honestly”

He said

“Are you sure?”

I nodded and said

“You know me, I’m good”

He said okay and then he asked

“Are we still on for this weekend, now that you have decided to put me in a death scare”

I replied

“Ori e” – translates to “Your head” before continuing to say

“Honestly, I should be good with a day of rest and icing my head. I think I hit it on the bed when I fell.
Hurts like a MF”

He replied and said

“Lmaooooo its because your head is so big”

If I could have punched him, I totally would have.

…..

As we pulled up to the venue, I noticed that he still had his drink in the door of the car.

“You’re supposed to have finished drinking that already?”

I whined.
He smiled, picked up the bottle and downed what was left of it. I knew it was going to be a good night.
We walked to the venue and I suggested that we grab drinks before the show started.
We snuck into the connected bar and sat by the bar.

His eyes kept wandering as he was amazed by the setup. There were video games everywhere.
We ordered our drinks and I saw him googling “Mario Kart games on PlayStation 4”. Such a big kid.
I asked the bartender to surprise me with my drink and I think he ordered a Red Bull.
We took our drinks and headed into the venue, the show was about to start.
As we approached the door, we got stopped and were told to get our tickets at the box office. So we walked all the way back to the front, got the tickets and then headed in.

I could tell how handsome he looked by the stank eyes most of the ladies flashed at me. He kept beaming that smile behind me and I was all here for it.
We sat right next to each other but he turned my seat, so my back was to him and we faced the stage.
The entire show, bar when he was on his phone, his hands were on my bum.
I couldn’t wait for us to get out of there.

The show was fun. Lots of laugh, improv nights are always my favorite.
We walked out talking about threesomes – we had seen a lady with a beautiful butt. So beautiful.
I can’t remember who suggested it but we ended up at a club, a few drinks and fist pumping, I was ready to go. I had wanted to jump his bones since I picked him up at the airport.
As we walked out, I noticed this white girl who had come up to me in the club.

She was sitting down on the floor with a cup of ice.
I asked

“What happened? You left me in there”

She was so drunk and even attempting to respond to me, she knocked over her cup of ice and she looked so distraught. I felt bad but I rushed out of there so quick!
We made it to the car and I couldn’t wait to get us home. He was playing music and we were having a great time in the car and then he asked

“How far away from the house are we?”

I nonchalantly replied

“About 5 minutes”

He smiled and once we hit a red light, he leaned over and kissed me.
Then he slid his left hand up my skirt. I couldn’t concentrate.
My legs started shaking and my breathing short. He slid my panties to the side and began rubbing my clit.
I was squirming while trying to keep the car steady.
What the fuck?
I could feel the chills rising up my back. I wanted to close my eyes and let go but we were almost home.
I remember veering out of my lane and my car beeping to alert me.
I was alert alright, my pussy was ready for a beating.
To cap it off, he removed his hand, looked at me and licked my juices off his fingers.

As we pulled in the parking lot, I quickly parked.
I could hear Lil Wayne’s verse on The Motto playing in the background as he reclined my seat.
He leaned in as if he was about to kiss me. I was wrong.
He reached up my skirt and pulled my panties down.
Kissed me on the forehead and hopped out of the car.
I was soooooooo angry!
Like wtf?!

I gathered myself, pulled my skirt down and hopped out of the car.
There he was standing in the middle of the parking lot, all 6’3 260lbs of him. His left hand was to his face.
As I got closer, I realized he was holding my panties to his nose.
We entered my apartment and he sat down on the couch, I made him a drink and pulled down his pants.
I was ready to go.

His moans were my favorite part. His hands running through my hair as he cursed and told me

“This is the best head ever”

My inner thot smiled.
I stroked and slurped down his shaft, soaking his balls and drinking on to my leather couch.
I wanted all of him deep in my throat and in my guts.
He tried to fight it but wasn’t very successful.
He went silent as I stroked his dick with my left hand and juggled his balls with my right hand.
He pushed me off and walked me back to the room.

He climbed on the bed and laid on his back.
I climbed on the bed and planted my pussy on his face before leaning forward and taking in his dick – 69.
It was wet on both ends of the coast as we feasted on each other.
He pushed me off as I came and was about to lean into me, there is a full length mirror at the foot of my bed, I caught a glimpse of myself.
As I laid down, I spread my legs wide. He lowered his member into me and started slow.
Cupping my head in his hand and protecting it from the head board, he thrust in and out.
The pace picked up and my profanity did as well.
He was hitting it right.
His grip on my thighs was as hot as the depths his dick was exploring.
I could see the hunger in his eyes.
He pounded me like candied yams. I was loving it.

When he flipped me over, I was ready.
I arched my back and tooted my ass towards him. He smiled and slide into me.
I could still feel how wet his balls were as they slammed into my clit.
He grabbed the shit out of my waist and he went to work. It was as if we hadn’t seen each other in 3 months.
He kept at it and so did I, throwing it back like a third draft of a senior thesis.

I could feel welling up and getting ready with his canon.
So I wrapped my legs around his butt.
He was leaning all the way into me, I was almost falling off the bed as he pounded my pleading pussy.
I wanted it. More of it.
All of it.
He didn’t stop.
I wouldn’t let him stop.
Just as he was about to let go, I looked back, damn near from the floor and yelled

“Fill me up”

Boom.
He grunted.
Moaned and pumped me full of his warm seed.
I lay there for a few minutes as he curled up next to me panting for air.
I turned over and said

“Where are my panties?”

He smiled and said

“You’re never getting them back”

It was going to be a long weekend and I was going to enjoy every minute of it.
I rolled over in the bed as he got up and headed to the bathroom.

The lights went on and then he said

“The condom broke”

 

Welcome to my first series of 2019! Expect a lot more this year. That’s all I’m saying.
Oh also, please leave me a comment and share your thoughts. Thanks!

 

PLEASE COMMENT. 

~Part 2 drops next Saturday! Do not miss it~

Follow @adewus4real

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

#SanmiSaturdays

© 2019 #WhatTheHeckMan

#WhatTheHeckMan · #WordsofWednesday · Poetry

28.

It’s 2019, well March, so I guess should finally post.
Here is to 28.

  • I hate mint gum. It tastes like trash tbh and anything mint related is TRASH. Sorry Ninz.
  • I always wear socks
  • I have road rage. My friends always talk crap about it but truth is, we all have it biko. Me I just don’t hide my own.
  • I have 3 siblings that I absolutely adore.
  • I always, ALWAYS, fall asleep in the movie theater.
  • My life goal is to be impactful – in art, music, philanthropy, faith, food, family and everything. Literally in everything I do.
  • My longest relationship lasted 4years and 11months. She is happily married. Free it.
  • My go to fast food order is at Chic Fil A. Even though I don’t go there often but I get a large strawberry milkshake, large fries, a spicy chicken deluxe, chicken tenders and chicken nuggets with tons of chic-fil-a sauce and Polynesian sauce.
  • I was born in 1991. Duh! Isn’t that why I am writing 28 of these?
  • I am 6’1+ but no one really cares about the extra, so we don’t talk about.
  • My idea of a dream date is something chill tbh. Some take out, green, drinks, physical activity, and a view.
  • I hate theme parks – rides make me sick and want to throw up. Don’t judge!
  • My celebrity crushes include Stefflon Don, Seyi Shay and someone I cannot mention.
  • My pet peeves include people constantly trying to act like victims. We all suck. Get over it.
  • In my free time, I love to play FIFA, write and be left the hell alone.
  • I love watching Nature documentaries
  • My artistic role model is David Attenborough
  • I am happiest with my family in my life.
  • My favorite color is maroon but favorite color to wear is black. I look really good in black.
  • My favorite value in friendship is understanding.
  • I use a MacBook and I need a new one. So if you want to bless me with one, do the needful.
  • I was born in Sacramento, California.
  • Right now, I feel relieved that I am finally writing and posting this almost two months after it was initially supposed to go up.
  • My favorite moment from y childhood was spending Christmas at my grandparents with my cousins from all over. RIP Grandparents.
  • I will describe myself as a complex person that is simple to understand.
  • I want to visit Asia this year.
  • I work for a tech startup.

2018 was a lot of things and I think it knocked my confidence a bit. I was searching for it in certain spaces, searching for validation and encouragement but failing to remind myself that I am freaking awesome and I deserve the best.

For the better part of the last few years, I have settled for less because I didn’t always believe my slay and I walked in the world like my previous mistakes didn’t qualify me for happiness.

Enough of that nonsense. 2019 has to be better. I deserve multiple upgrades, open doors, and orgasms. Yeah, I said it.

Finances: We have started the year well. God blessed me with a sweet promotion to start out the year and I have been walking in that spirit so far. Saving has always been a struggle for me but so far, I am able to put somethings aside and feel empowered to save. So that feels really good.
Goal is to clear all of my active debt by September. That includes credit cards that are not bringing any value and the likes.
One after the other, they must go.

Expected Score – A+

Relationships: I have not really enjoyed a relationship like my longest one and the start of my last one. Some days, I worry that I don’t even know how to do relationships and romantic love anymore. Like it legit scares me.
Part of really loving someone is being very humble and learning the person to the core. Also forming a strong relationship that most times translates to a deep bond. Loving shouldn’t be performative or hinged on reciprocity. No part of it should be vindictive or holding on to wrongdoing.
I got so used to the type where you would fight or argue and not talk for two weeks or whatever. Like it became normal after loving people that I couldn’t go 24hrs without talking to.

I used to think I was great for anyone but my focus has now been praying for my own person. IF God has already put that person in my life, then helping us connect on that and if they coming, then God keep me patient for them and vigilant. I don’t want to end the year single, again.

Expected Score – C+

Faith: I thank God for never giving up on me. I am working on being much closer and aligned with him. Just letting him have his way with me and my life.

Expected Score – B-

Fitness: I think owning my diet is the biggest hurdle to jump here and I am actively working on it. Reminding myself that I am on a journey and just putting one foot before the other.

Expected Score – B

Creativity: I am inspired again. Once I stopped searching for perfection or comparing myself to others. Look out, I will be pushing my boundaries this year.

Expected Score – A

Thanks for reading as always!

Thank you for commenting. Here is to a fun 2019!
You are highly appreciated. 

#WordsOfWednesday
© 2019 #WhatTheHeckMan

#WordsofWednesday · Fiction · Poetry

We Rise by Lifting Others

#WordsOfWednesday

Life Support

For weeks now, I have been trying to stop and write about this.
It’s been eating me for a while and over the course of this post, I will drop some familiar quotes that you may have heard.

As we get older, many of us are finding purpose in life, monetizing talents and honestly just trying to make our hustles come good for us.
As you become an “owner”, you start to find that support is weird. It’s something you know you’re not entitled to but you crave and demand in certain spaces.

“Not everyone is like you”

The aforementioned quote is important and I’ll speak to it shortly.
But, about not being entitled to support and still demanding it.
We all know that in life, nothing is promised.
Nothing is given and almost everything is earned.
By virtue of that quote, you cannot be entitled to someone’s support.
And let’s be clear, when I speak about support, I don’t mean support in being an abusive partner, I mean tangible support to greatness.

To me it should be simple, if I know you personally and I respect you, you almost automatically have my support.
That means if you are my friend and you start a business or start to chase your dreams, I will be with you.
Monetarily if I can and sometimes by just being another voice spreading the word about whatever you are doing.
Secondly, if you are someone I know in passing (Twitter, IG or in social space) and you have a sound product, I will support you as well.

I feel challenged to do good everyday, so in spaces that I find myself, I offer support.
That means buying from my friends and not expecting things for free. Or retweeting every damn thing they post and shouting them out when I can.
Look, it is not easy and honestly, I don’t think people that fail to support are evil people.
I just think as we get older, means of showing love and support should become more tangible.
It’s not enough to say you care about me but you haven’t listened to a single episode of my show all year or say you support your friend but you patronize big brands instead of their handmade or original stuff.

If you are a lazy friend, more than likely, you come off as an unsupportive friend.
It’s hard enough in a saturated social media space to carve a niche but you expect to rely on those you love to at least help you get off your feet.
Look, in the first few months of my show

“Subscribe here to my weekly radio show/podcast on iTunes. Rate us and leave us a comment if you will please”

I used to ping my friends before we went live.
Like hey,
“are you listening? We are live”
But as we go live this week, I don’t “need” my friends to have an impactful show.
But I also know how I got here, some of my friends listened every week, told others about what I do, shared my art and helped me grow.
And I owe that to everyone I care about and respect.

What sucks is when you have people who won’t actively support you.
I have a friend who is very popular in her field. Doesn’t actively support me, but supports similar brands. Now it could be because my shit sucks, which I doubt or she doesn’t care.
But recently she got nominated for an award and wanted to win badly.
Suddenly, it was “guys please log in here and vote for me”.
And I’m like sis what????
We all didn’t start at the same time but if you have been blessed with a following or a large platform, use it to be supportive.

“We rise by lifting others”

I love people that live for shouting out their friends.
It’s so beautiful to watch.

“Your support can be your currency”

Look sometimes you can’t actively support your friends.
My friend Eche, CEO of Afropolitan Group based in SF.
Has many events, sometimes weekly and I cannot attend all of them.
But I can retweet when he posts and encourage others to attend.
Or some who have friends that make expensive products that you cannot afford.
Your support can be your currency.
Spread the word and you never know who else will patronize them.

It’s also important to understand that like I said earlier, no one owes you shit.
And it is futile begging for the support of folks who are too lazy to care or don’t see value in your dream.
Keep pushing on and working hard.
One day, you’ll make it big and be bigger than you currently are.
Those same people will be the first to congratulate you and tweet/post that they knew you from earlier days.
Fuck ‘em.

Thank you!

~ The Wordsmith

 

 New Series is coming on Saturday!

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

#WordsOfWednesday
© 2018 #WhatTheHeckMan

 

#WhatTheHeckMan · #WordsofWednesday · African · African Fiction · Art · Bloggers · Drama · Erotica · Fiction · Life · Poetry · Sex · Stories · TheRants · TheRantsShow

Lipstick Stain 3


Lipstick Stain – Part 1

Lipstick Stain – Part 2


Part 3

Picking up myself from the hospital floor was so hard. I was in so much pain that I didn’t even go back into the room to check on her before I left.
My heart was hurting and my mind was racing.
How could she do this to me?
Why didn’t she tell me?
I could not fathom how she could be carrying our joy and not tell me.
How could other people have known about it without me knowing?

There was so much running through my mind. Everything I thought about her, I would feel a pain in my heart.
I never got to meet the little one. Always dreamt of having my own son.
Being Arsenal fanatics. Teaching him perseverance by supporting one of the most disappointing teams in sports history or just watching him become his own man.
I also dreamt of having a daughter, helping her find her voice in this misogynistic world, owning her black girl magic and me trying to style her hair because I got the juice like that.
But I was never going to know what that felt like. At least, I felt like I missed out.
Almost like you waited in your home all day for a delivery only to come out and see a missed delivery notice.
It sucks.

I cried the whole way home. I didn’t even let “D” come with me.
I felt truly alone and I just wanted to be alone.
As I pulled into the estate, I didn’t even greet the guards at the main gate. I tried to avoid eye contact.
A part of me was very annoyed with them as well.
How did someone bypass them, shoot my wife and none of them knew?
Idiots.

As I parked the car, I felt like something was off.
How much of it was paranoia of the last few days? I couldn’t tell.
But as I approached the main door, it appeared to have been tampered with.
There were scratches around the keyhole and it appeared someone may have tried to kick the door.
My rage boiled over, I hopped into the car and drove straight to the main gate.
As I pulled up I parked to the right side of the gate, the one not used on a daily basis and I stormed out.
The first words that left my mouth were

“Sunday, where your oga day?”

He looked taken aback.
It could have been the tone in my voice or how I was marching towards him.

“Oga wetin happen?”

Was his nervous reply.
I looked him in the face and said in an irate manner

“Person come my house, shoot my wife. Una idiots no hear anything.
Now person come try break into my house again and no security. Wetin be una job again?
Why we dey pay you?
I swear to God wey create all of us. If anything like this happen again, na me go wound una.
Walahi!”

I didn’t even give them a chance to respond as I stormed back to my car.
I got in and drove out of the estate.
My heart was racing and it felt like misplaced anger but it also felt extremely necessary.
Like damn it! Why was everything in my life so misplaced?

I couldn’t think and I just kept driving.
I did not realize how far I had gone until I pulled into the coffee shop – Cafe Neo.
Before I could tell, I was waiting in line to order.
I took a seat while they made my drink. I wanted to cry some more but a part of me just wanted to be held.
The last few days had felt like a bad dream and I wanted someone to hold me by my shoulders, shake me and tell me that I’ve been dreaming all along.
But it didn’t seem likely at all.

I got my drink and I walked out of the coffee shop.
As I was stepping out, my phone buzzed.
Reaching for it, I moved my cup into my left hand and picked up my phone.
As I answered, the person on the phone said

“Akin, long time. How’s that coffee?
Before you start trying to figure out who I am, I just want you to know something.
Do as I say and everything will be fine…”

I was frozen but my eyes were scanning the parking lot and the side of the road. I was sure the person was looking at me but I couldn’t tell where.
I turned around to look and the voice on the phone continued

“5 million in cash or the next time, your wife won’t survive”

I asked in fear

“Who are you?”

The person chuckled and said

“I know you and right now, that is all that matters…”

……

I hadn’t driven that fast in a long time and trust Lekki traffic, I was stuck.
I immediately called the doctor and said

“Doctor, please make sure someone is there to look after my wife”

Startled he replied

“Akin, I just checked on her less than an hour ago”

I wasn’t having it

“Please put someone with her, I will be there as soon as possible”

Now more concerned he said

“Is everything okay?
I mean her mother is here, I can have her sit with your wife if you like”

I said

“I don’t care, just make sure someone is with her.”

He said okay and I continued to sit there in traffic super annoyed.
At one point, I considered abandoning my car and taking an Okada.
So many questions filled my head

“Who could it be?
Were they following me?
How did they know about Lade?”

Those thoughts sailed through my head and I changed my course as soon as I got the chance to.
I couldn’t be sure if the person was following me.
About 30 minutes later, I made it to the hospital.

Rushing into the room, all I wanted to see was if Lade was doing okay.
She seemed to be asleep.
I greeted her mother reluctantly as I was still very angry about the baby.
I turned around and left the room, Lade’s mother followed me closely.

“Akin duro, je kin ba e soro”
(Akin, wait up, let me talk to you)

I turned around as she held my hand and pulled me to the side.
She fixed her glasses and said

“You are my son and a child cannot remain angry with their parent forever.
I know you are upset and to ba je emi ni (if it was me), I would be upset too.
But I want you to know that we did not keep any of this from you as a secret.
By my understanding, your birthday is on Thursday and Lade was planning to surprise you.
She found out two months ago and felt it would be a great birthday surprise gift for you.
Ma binu oko mi (don’t be angry my son)”

I tell you this now, the way she spoke to me was very reminiscent of some deep talks I had with my mother growing up.
Something about it really spoke to me.
It was like she could see that I was trying to hold the anger and she continued

“Ma binu.
Lade needs you more than ever right now. All of this does not make sense but God is in control.
You are the head of this family and God will do another for you two but right now, you need to be a rock”

I nodded as she reached up to hug me.
I wiped off the tears streaming down my face as she rubbed my back.

She said,

“It has been a rough couple of days, you need to eat and go home to get some rest.”

I shook my head and said

“I can’t leave her. I have to be there when she wakes up”

She smiled and said

“Well before you came, the doctor said they will keep her induced for another 2 days to make sure everything is okay.
I am sure you can get some rest.
I will stay and her father will come and join me later tonight. “

Reluctantly, I agreed.
She then said

“I have asked my cook to make you some food.
She will be here any moment, go home and get some rest”

I wanted to tell her about the call I got but I also can confidently tell you that an African mother is the last person you want to tell that a hit has been put out on her daughter.
So I said

“The only way I can leave is if you can guarantee that someone will be with her at all times”

She nodded and said

“I will not leave her side.
The driver and the cook are outside, come let us go and put the food in your car quickly”

We walked out into the lobby and outside to the car.
The driver immediately stepped out and the cook was in the passenger’s seat.
Someone else was in the back but I couldn’t see till I got closer. The back door opened on the owner’s corner and it was Lade’s cousin, Lolade.
She stepped out and walked around the car.
Lade’s mom’s face lit up and she said

“Ah Lola, Iwo ni. (Oh Lola, it is you)
How are you my dear?”

She knelt and greeted her aunty before I gave her a hug.
She said

“Yes ma.
I had stopped by to drop something my mom wanted to give you and I heard about what happened to Lade, so I wanted to come and check on her.
Akin, how are you holding up?

Has she woken up?”

I forced a smile and said

“Trying love. Just staying positive. No, she is still under. ”

She nodded and said

“It is well.”

I told her the room number while I collected the food from the cook.
I walked over to my car parked on the other side of the lot and opened up the trunk with the remote.
As I lowered the cooler into the trunk, I noticed something out the corner of my eye.
Tucked away in the left side of the trunk, it was staring at me.
My gun.

I was shocked.
How did it get there? I thought to myself.
I quickly turned around to make sure that nobody saw it.
I noticed Lade’s mom walking towards me as she gave instructions to the cook.

“Akin, there should be efo, obe ata ati rice.
Ila alasepo naa wa n be”
(There should be spinach stew, pepper stew with rice and okra)

She said as she walked towards me.
I said

“Thank you mummy”

And quickly closed the trunk.
My heart was racing and I was feeling exposed.
Someone was clearly trying to set me up.

….

We walked back into the hospital and Lade’s mom took her seat next to her.
I was going to leave but I wanted to also make sure that Lolade knew the importance of keeping an eye on her.
Lolade and Lade were born in the same month and their mothers are sisters, so they gave them similar names and raised them together.
You couldn’t separate them growing up until they went to college in different countries and even then, they still remained very close.

As we stepped into the hallway I said

“Lolade someone called me today and asked for 5 million or they would try to hurt Lade again
I need you to please keep a close eye on her and anyone that comes into the room.
I am going to try and get the money today”

She replied with shock

“Wait, seriously?
You are going to get the money today? From where?”

I replied

“I don’t know but I have to. Nothing can happen to Lade”

She responded

“Well nothing will happen to her here.
But don’t worry, I will watch her”

I added

“Also, her parents cannot know. Only you know right now”

She nodded.
We walked back into the room and we were met with elation.
Lade’s mom was standing and quietly motioning us forward.
She was waking up!

As we approached, I stood by her side and held her right hand.
There was a huge smile on my face.
As she smacked her lips and blinked her eyes, she looked at me and smiled.
She looked to the side and saw her mom.
There was a quick frown, almost one of confusion. I think it was then she realized she was in a hospital bed.
She opened her eyes and looked at me closely. I was still smiling and I am sure I was almost crying.
She lifted her hand as if she wanted us to remove the air mask.
I lifted it off her mouth and she swallowed hard before asking

“Where am I?”

I replied and said

“Baby don’t worry about that. We are just glad you are okay”

Before I could continue, I noticed Lolade was walking out of the room.
Lade’s mom said

“Lolade, please help us get the doctor”

Those words were like missiles because instantly, I felt Lade squeeze my hand tightly and say

“What is she doing here?”

Not reading anything into it, I rubbed her hand and said

“Babe, that’s your cousin Lolade”

She tilted her head forward and said

“I know. But what is she doing here?”

The mood in the room quickly changed.
Lolade’s mom and I looked at each other, very confused.
We looked over to Lolade and then to Lade, she looked angry.
I said

“Lade, what is going on?
That’s your cousin. Are you okay?”

Her voice was still weak but her angst was strong.
She said

“Why is she here?
She is the reason I am here”

Lade’s mom gasped and I turned my gaze to Lolade standing by the door.
Her look had changed and she had a scowl on her face.
Her next words were

“You better fucking relax Akin.
Out here trying to play Superman for this one. When the baby wasn’t even yours”


Also, please check out my midweek post “Take Me To Church“.
Huge thank you to everyone leaving comments and sharing the series with their friends! I appreciate it all.


LEAVE ME A COMMENT ABOUT HOW YOU FEELING OR WHAT YOU THOUGHT ABOUT THIS PART. 

~The explosive Part 4 drops next Saturday! Do not miss it~

Follow @adewus4real

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

#SanmiSaturdays

© 2018 #WhatTheHeckMan

#WordsofWednesday · Poetry

Take Me To Church

#WordsOfWednesday

Take Me To Church

“Offering Time!”

“Blessing Investment time”

“Offering Time”

“Blessing Investment time”

Deacon Ade reads the world famous Malachi 3:10. So predictable.
I reach for my offering inside the left breast pocket of my Asos jacket without looking. Muscle memory.
That’s how my existence with the church is now.
Not what I am getting or gaining from it now but what I learned as a child and my days at Redeemer’s High School. Think Philippians 4:13.

My relationship with the church is not symbiotic (denoting a mutually beneficial relationship between different people or groups).
It feels very one-sided. But to which side does the current flow?
There is a disconnect.

Growing up a Pastor’s kid exposed me to much of the insights and inner workings of the church.
I saw the politics, the hypocrisy and the far removed behaviors of the people of God.
Sometimes knowing too much is a curse.
I soon became jaded. Unable to tolerate the glaring flaws of the church and its people.
I saw them for who they really were, who we really are. A bunch of liars and hypocrites all trying to figure it out.
Convenient Christians.

I hear more about tithes than I hear about love and spiritual growth.
Everything is tied to the money.
Don’t get me wrong, pay your tithes. If you are lucky to attend a transparent church, you’ll most likely see the tangible benefits of your tithing.
But why do churches make themselves seem so thirsty for the money?
I watch my Pastor every week and sometimes I don’t think he realizes it. How slowly, he gets sucked into speaking about tithes during every sermon.
He wants to rally the troops to do the right thing, but inadvertently, he turns away folks who want more than “make your check out to RCCG Solomon’s Porch”

It almost feels like the eyes of the world are open but the sacred lair of the church remains impenetrable.
The misogyny is toxic and choking. Almost every conversation or teaching reeks of it and saddens me a great deal.
From teachings like “there is no such thing as marital rape” to the debilitating pressure placed on women to seek marriage. It is too much.
I find myself in a state of rage in a place that should foster peace and safety.
Women are told what to wear while men are free to do as they please.
We have a lady in the choir. Beautiful and extremely talented. Making her an easy target for the “older women of God”
Let me not forget to mention that she is well endowed all over her body. Curves to match her talent.
If it’s not forcing her to wear a robe, it’s pulling her off the altar in the middle of ministering because they feel like her body will tempt the men.
Or the absurdity of a recent incident when they made her go into the bathroom to prove to them that she was wearing panties.
Are we serious?
In 2018? People of God!
That would be fine if the rules were fair but in that same congregation, there are men that are committing adultery and stepping outside their marital homes, but who pulls them off the altar?
Who checks their withered penises to make sure they are not having sex?
Nobody.
Because the church doesn’t want to move forward and see women as free and equal.

Let’s not get into how the church is always screaming for young adults to get married but doing a poor job in preparing them.
Nothing on money management, counseling, patience, and family planning – but every Sunday it’s “we are waiting to come and eat rice”
Rada Rada!’’

The church is not all lost.
It is still a place of true fellowship and in some places, it is a safe haven but the church right now is losing its people.
People are disconnected.
We need a recharge.

This is my 200th post on my blog. Thank you to every single person that has supported me. I appreciate you.
God will never forget you and anything you do will prosper.

Thank you!

~ The Wordsmith

 

Thanks for reading as always! And don’t forget Part 3 of Lipstick Stain is coming on Saturday!

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

#WordsOfWednesday
© 2018 #WhatTheHeckMan

 

#WordsofWednesday · Poetry · TheRantsShow

Past Present Woes

#WordsOfWednesday
Past Present Woes

What gets people so intrigued about the past?
I find that people as a whole obsess about what was and not what can be.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think history should be discredited in totality.
I respect that it informs patterns, gives insight into future predictions and most importantly, it can be a cautionary tale for things to come.


But I never get the fascination and obsession with it. Let’s use me as an example, I don’t like regrets. Because of that, I sometimes live my life with the handbrake on and other times, I can seem reckless with no bounds.
Either way, I try not to look backwards too often.
Read about my logic in The One that Got Away

I come to terms with my realities faster that most. “Oh I lost that opportunity because I didn’t work hard enough?”
Or I didn’t get that girls number because I delayed too long?”
Or “That friend hurt me or I hurt them?”

I make peace with it early on and move on.
More importantly, the things that are reminders of regrets are precisely the things I want to not have to think about.
Most times, people come into your life and they want a walk down your memory lane to inform how they want to live or love with you.
But have you ever thought that it is retraumatizing for the person to relive that experience?
Imagine a woman who was with an abusive man, you now come into her life and you want to talk about it and him.
But when she is not forthcoming, you think she doesn’t want to open up. No!
Sometimes opening up is letting you see into them but it means they have to reopen to the wounds.
Flies live around open wounds and more importantly, they bleed.


Another reason people don’t like talking about their pasts is that it can be extremely embarrassing.
Maybe you dated a proper asshole or you were one. Or maybe you haven’t even healed from your stupidity.
It happens.
So sometimes, people want to leave things the way they are – in the past.

If you have a good person, someone that you love and loves you, focus on the future.
What kind of friendship or relationship can we have?
As opposed to worrying about the kind they had with people they may not even be talking to anymore.
The past got them to you, whole or damaged. However you dice going back, you are losing some value in the now.

One thing people also don’t realize is that if you hang around long enough, sometimes you get a pure and honest peek into the past.
The past is what made us, but we are only as good as what we do next.
It’s like people that love to tell you their past relationships were this and that.
Brother and sister, in your past relationships you may have won gold but it counts for nothing if your current situation fails and in some cases, you are single. So who past relationship epp?

No one.
I like the past, with two rules.
1. I’ll take you into it as I please at my pace and time.
2. It should only be a marker for improvement and that itself can and should be very personal.

No one wants to be only defined by their past, so why do you obsess over that of others?

Thanks for reading as always!

New series out on Saturday!
Please watch this space!

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

#WordsOfWednesday
© 2018 #WhatTheHeckMan

#WhatTheHeckMan · #WordsofWednesday · Poetry

Fuck The High Road

#WordsOfWednesday

Fuck The High Road

It’s cold, lonely and seldom traveled.
Not because people don’t know the way but many choose to not use it at all. Ignoring class, self respect and peace, some would rather muddy themselves in the lowliness of pettiness.
But it is cold, high and out of grasp – but for a select few, it is the high road.

For the longest time, I spent time living by a concept my mentor once shared with me.
“If you and a friend had a falling out and they publicly embarrassed you, you have lost twice.
Once because you have lost a friend and secondly because you had initially made a poor choice in a friend”
I always used the “na me fuck up” mentality. If someone wronged me, I’d go silent and just let it be.
I rarely speak on what people did or didn’t do to me.

One of my best friends told me that one of my biggest mistakes was considering most people as friends anyways.
It used to sting because I would make so many excuses for people.
“She is young
He is going through a lot
Maybe I caused her to be like that
They are really a good person, you just don’t understand them”
Eventually you learn, that not everyone is your friend and all.

I am also incredibly private about my life, choices and intentions. I picked that up from my mom who was an expert at protecting us from unnecessary eyes and distractions.
But here is to growth (I laughed out loud using this watered down word). My blog has seen my evolution but more importantly it has become a haven for folks to learn from me and apply things to their lives.
Let my experiences, however few or otherwise, be a guide for you and yours.

After my relationship ended in late 2014, I was so broken and hurt.
I swore that through 2015, I wouldn’t be in another relationship. I was going to be single, date and travel.
Two of those things were perfectly fine.
One of my biggest mistakes was dating while healing (DON’T DO IT PEOPLE)
I was so broken and to an extent, I was searching for peace in the women I met.
And don’t forget dating multiple women at once. Smh Sanmi. (I Lied and Cheated)
So yes, I ultimately scarred some of the people I interacted with.
I was still angry, at my ex and myself.
It was like all the accommodations I gave for her, I wasn’t willing to give anyone else.
My temper was short, I was dismissive, reductive and just sometimes a flat out dick.
Yes, that was all me.

In 2015, I met someone that made me laugh like I hadn’t in a while.
Quickly, she filled a void that I had been hiding for a while. It was her smile and just her crazy fun energy.
Yup, soon we were fucking and trying to navigate everything else, and then life hit.
To be honest, I wanted to run at that time. I felt like it was such a big responsibility and place to walk through with her.
She even asked me to leave and tried to push me away but I ain’t no punk and I really cared about her, so I decided to stay.
My first mistake was not restructuring our situation to a pure friendship.
Feelings were still there and having sex didn’t help either.
But as life settled, it was clear to me that we weren’t compatible long term.
We were in different spaces chasing different things.

I would come home from a long day of work and school and have to fight about why I tweeted first before calling her.
Or that I did this or the next thing.
Mistake number 2!
I should have been firm and walked.
But if you are dealing with someone and you have a huge fall out, you should probably completely leave them out and not respond to nudes when they send them to you.
Or a two page letter documenting how flawed they were as well and how much they contributed to the failures of your interactions.

This is by no means a tell-all but a reflective walk back down the high road.
Look people, Sanmi ain’t no saint. Far from it.
I’ve said things my Pastor would not be proud of, berated people and even just didn’t give a fuck sometimes but two things are true of me.
I apologize when needed and I never set out to hurt intentionally.
Have I hurt people? Yes.
Apologized and made amends where possible? Hell yes!
But people take a piss because you don’t speak up.

One phrase always touted is “Emotional Abuse(r)”
What do you call someone who berates you when they get mad and then apologize later and because of love, you take them back?
Or someone who gets so mad they start to throw your things into the hallway of a hotel room?
Or threaten to scream because you don’t want to have sex with them after they just called you every evil name possible?
What do you call someone who tarnishes your name in public but still claims to love you and reaches out when they need favors?

If you said an abuser, manipulator or just asshole, you would be right.
If you assumed all of the above was done by a guy, you would be very wrong.
But you see, the same person who did those things has the nerve to go on social media and circles to say negative things about me.
Now I am again not saying I am perfect but I believe in being honest with oneself.
I was good to said person and I know deep down they know that. Even with all of my shortcomings, but you would never see me on social media, trying to drag them.

I don’t think there are “good” or “bad” people. I think we all make mistakes and thrive in different ways.
Your knight today might be a villain in someone else’s tale.
That’s life.

But you see the thing with being silent for too long is that you let people walk all over you and your truth.
You start to even believe the lies they spew about you.
Fuck the high road!
Let sleeping dogs lie but if they want to be poked, let them be poked.
Defend your name when you need to.
I did some fucked up shit but I legit went back to read some transcripts I had saved or even the letter she wrote and I was amazed.
You will see how she speaks of me now and you will think I was Tristan Thompson who dipped on her while she was carrying my baby or something.
For the longest time, I thought to myself, I had something to lose and she didn’t.
I have a show I work hard on, this blog, my brand, my job!
Leave it Sanmi, leave it. But enough!

A few things: ladies and gentlemen, the moment you realize you are not going to be with someone long term, cut it off and leave it cut off.
Don’t let people walk over you because you want to be private. They will use that silence as a green light to rubbish your name if they could and since they won’t be honest with themselves about their own flaws and shortcomings.
Forgive yourself for your own mistakes and just make attempts to be better in your new dealings.
I love me so much now.
Quicker to forgive, listening more and just being more aware of my imprint in the lives of those around me.

The high road is great in theory.
But it has bad signal and sometimes sends the wrong message, that because you are not talking, you are guilty as charged.
Fuck them and their stupid road. Stand up for yourself and your name.
And pray you never come in contact with people that make you regret ever meeting them.

 

Thanks for reading as always!

New series out on Saturday!
Please watch this space!

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

#WordsOfWednesday
© 2018 #WhatTheHeckMan

#WhatTheHeckMan · #WordsofWednesday · Poetry

The One That Got Away

#WordsOfWednesday


The One That Got Away

About 5 years ago, I was in a relationship.
By all accounts, it was going well. We were relatively happy, growing and people were calling us “Goals”.
Then one day, I was having a serious conversation with myself and I concluded. I wasn’t going to marry this woman.
I prayed about it for a few weeks and battled within my spirit before I finally put an end to a 4-year relationship.

It hurt.
But nowhere near knowing I couldn’t give her what she wanted – marriage.
She told me that in the first few months, she was broken and she hated me.
We were not talking for the first 6 months after the breakup.
And in that time, I was hurting too.

Here was this woman that I loved so dearly. Started dating at 17.
I became a man within her love. We found each other and even though she was older, I never felt like we were never on the same page.
For a while, I never thought I could love any like her. Well, that was until, you guessed it right, I fell in love again.

The person I was dating for 4 years at the time of the breakup, she felt like the one that was getting away.
Like how do you invest 4 years into someone and then they just walk?
“They will find someone else and be happy and you’ll have lost out”


Funny enough though, I never believed that anyone got away.
It’s important to love like it’s your last chance at love. But I have never felt like one was the one that got away and it was the last chance saloon for me.
You will date and meet great people, some will define a period in your life or even change your trajectory in life but not all are for the forever ride. And that’s okay.

Everything works out for good. That ex-girlfriend is a happily married wife and a mother now.
It’s not enough to say it but you have to believe it. Everything works together for good.
I have never felt sad like I lost out on her since that initial period. You know why?
I  believe God’s will was done and I was part of her story.
But that’s just it – a part.


I don’t believe in soulmates but I believe that God ordains your steps.
And it’s possible that the path takes you in a different route than what you expect.
The picture up there is an interesting one.
That exact stop that white car is parked, is the exact spot I parked when I spilled my heart out to someone I once loved.
I sat there for over an hour telling her all she meant to me – we never amounted to much beyond drama and stories.

I referenced that to say, I saw her this week with another man – one of many she has dated since we had our thing.
I mentioned men, not to shame her but to highlight that we moved on. But to some people, we should be together.
It’s always amusing to hear but when I saw her this week, I laughed at the idea that there was nothing left.
The feelings of old were gone.
And then I thought. Has anyone ever seen me as the one that got away?
That would be interesting to find out.

Seeing her out, she looked happy but more importantly, I was happy too.
And like my ex-girlfriend, I thought to myself, I hope she is happy there.
More than the one that got away, is the feeling that everything works out for good.
I love where my life is. How things have turned out.
Would they be different if I was with someone?
Or one of the ones that “got away”

I don’t keep an eye on what was. My happiness is current and whole. I like that.
Don’t spend time dwelling on who you think got away. Be good enough for the now and for your future self that no one ever wants to run the risk of letting you go.

There is none that got away. They just went – a different way.
But you might very well still be on track.
Stay up!

From the Macbook of The Wordsmith…

Thanks for reading as always!

New series out on Saturday!
Please watch this space!

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

#WordsOfWednesday
© 2018 #WhatTheHeckMan

#WhatTheHeckMan · #WordsofWednesday · Poetry

Be Intentional

 

#WordsOfWednesday

Be Intentional.

The eagle rules the skies
Choosing to roam in the blues
Floating into the realm of those beneath
To feast
Only when it chooses
Therein lies the value
It chooses
Never allowing the winds or the skies to dictate
It chooses
When to soar
And when it’s wings, to rest
It drifts low
And sends shivers further down shaky spines
An eagle makes its intentions known
Wings open or wings closed.

It was Sunday evening and I was leaving Safeway (Yoruba Demons, Weed, and a Safeway). Actually, I was sitting in my car in front of Safeway when a couple parked behind me and exited the car.
Hand in hand, they giggled and laughed into Safeway.
They were an African American couple in their late fifties or early sixties.
I watched them from my rear view mirror as they walked in and basically ignored it.

I thought I would have left the parking lot before they returned but I get lazy in my car sometimes after a workout.
I think I was scrolling through my Twitter timeline when they emerged from Safeway.
I looked up at the dashboard clock and realized that I had been sitting there for more than 20 minutes.
It didn’t matter very much when I looked up again and saw them still laughing and giggling.
They entered their car and I watched from my rearview mirror as they laughed and the man placed his left hand on her cheek, he said something to her and then leaned in to kiss her.
When they broke the kiss, she picked up his left hand and kissed the back of it.
I felt something but I tried to ignore again.

They lingered as he put the car in reverse.
And I felt it again, this time, I didn’t ignore. I stepped out of my car and said

“Excuse me, can I please ask you something?”

Surprised, the man said

“Sure”

I bent forward to get a better view of them inside their Toyota Rav4.
I asked

“How do you stay so happy?”

He smiled and looked over to her and then back to me before replying. He said

“If you know what I know about this woman, it is easy.
She gets me but more than that, she is good people”

I nodded in agreement and then she spoke and said

“We love each other everyday.”

I thanked them for their insight and turned to head back to my car. The man said with a slightly embarrassed look

“You saw all that?”

I nodded and said

“Yup and I’m glad I did. You guys have a good one”

“You too”

They both said and they drove off.
That interaction got me thinking about intentionality. I speak about it a lot.
Particularly with my friends and with my show.
I learned a few years ago about intentionality. You can be good in general but you can be intentional in how you choose to display your goodness or how you decide to be impactful with it.

Are you intentional in love? Forgiveness? Friendship? Trusting? Growing? Evolving?
I know it is easy to coast through life but the thing that separates the regular is intentionality.
Loving takes so much humility but more importantly, intentionality. As we are innately selfish, you have to choose love everyday like the couple I met.
Forgiving takes intention, you have to choose to shelve the hurt and the pain to let go.
Growing and evolving requires you putting active effort into the process.
Success requires intention towards perfection.

I find myself sometimes questioning my ability to be intentional.
Taking steps to live beyond the regular. Do I go the extra step to show my friends and family that I care?
Or do they just get the regular because they know I am a good person?
Think it through.
Think about what is the bare minimum in everything you do and then decide to be intentional about doing more.
It will set you apart.
You will be better for it, the world will be better for it.
And like the couple I met, you will have reasons to laugh into your old.

Thank you for reading and sharing my thoughts.
What are some things you will like to be more intentional about? Time with God? Working out? Trying new things?
Leave me a comment below and let me know.
I have a new challenge on my hands and I intend to dominate. It will take patience and effort but I am determined to be successful. But till then, stay up!

 

From the desk of,

The Wordsmith.

Thanks for reading as always!

New series out on Saturday!
Please watch this space!

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

#WordsOfWednesday
© 2018 #WhatTheHeckMan

#WordsofWednesday · Art · Bloggers · Nigerian Writers · Poetry

I Deserve Forgiveness

#WordsOfWednesday

I Deserve “Some” Forgiveness

There are few moments in life where things make you take a beat.
Sometimes after a beating. Other times, after realizing that you need to truly stop and breathe.
For years, the phrase “na me fuck up” was all too familiar.

Stupid decisions, trusting wrongly, not speaking plainly and sometimes falling blindly.
I would sit down and cry while beating up myself.
“Sanmi, you should know better”
“How could you?”

I was mostly burned and forced to write pieces like Fuck Your Friendship.
Burned by “friends” or “love interests”. I was always a feeler – I allowed myself to see the best in people.
I get it from my dad.
There was once someone that dragged my father’s name in public. I knew he was in the right but he kept his cool and kept encouraging us to be calm.
One evening, I came back from school and I noticed a few extra cars outside.
As I made my way in, I heard voices.
The person had come with their family and friends to beg my father – they were on their knees asking for forgiveness.
I wanted him to publicize it but he said no.
The words he left me with have stuck.

“In certain situations, you will learn lessons that you truly wish you could have avoided but they will shape you. Peace within you is a higher grade than public validation”

It never really clicked for me until I became a man.
I would sit down and beat myself for poor decisions. Why didn’t I listen to my friends about this person or why did I stay in that situation?
Why did I let them back in?

All that and more.
But here is the truth, you will make mistakes and with all the lessons I have learned, I still make them.
The best you can do is continue to improve as you go along.
Have a short memory for the fuckups but cherish the growth points and the future you will have with those lessons.

So 2018 has been filled with less “Na me fuck up” moments.
People will always try to drag you back and remind you of your fuckups but stay focused.
Seriously.
It will be hard and you may be down on yourself. But don’t let it linger.

I used to say there was no one I regretted being friends with or dating but there is one person.
While we shared some great times, they make me regret ever knowing them.
And it is easy to wallow.
You want to continue to kick yourself! But to what end?

Oh, he was playing you?
She never really loved you and she used you?
Okay, it has happened and you have learned.
Now stand up and forgive yourself.
Yes, not them. Forgive yourself for the guilt, pain, shame, and rage you feel.
You are amazing and you will continue to live and learn.
You will still make more of those mistakes and you will scale challenges with ease – you are evolving.e
Every single day.

And yes, you deserve some accolades!

What are some things that have had you saying “na me fuck up” lately? Comment below and let’s talk.
Thanks for reading as always!

Black.Gay.Waiting Part 4 out on Saturday!
Please watch this space!

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

#WordsOfWednesday
© 2018 #WhatTheHeckMan