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The Fixer

The Fixer

“I am so tired.
I am tired. I don’t need any encouraging words or “it will get better”
I am tired.
For the last 10 days, I have been dealing with family stuff as someone has been unexpectedly and worryingly sick in my immediate family.
Putting on a strong face and trying to keep it all together but dying inside.
I am so stressed. I want to cry every day but I feel like I am too strong. I need to be strong to hold it all together.
Parking was a fucking shit show this morning because of stupid construction happening in the fucking high of the day!
Took me over an hour to park. I hate everyone and everything.
My parents lied!
They promised me, forced me to get stupid degrees and promised to pay my student loans.
I make enough but the costs never stop.

Like that was money I was still thinking I would use to buy the rest of the shit I need for Nigeria or even pay for lodging!
I just want to close my eyes and everything ends.
I am tired.

I don’t want to feel all this pain.
I don’t want to be strong.
Don’t fucking know why I am typing this to you but idk.
FUCK THIS SHIT!”

I hit send on the text message, placed my phone to the side of my bed and I closed my eyes.
Seconds later, my mind was racing. I was filled with remorse and regretting even opening up.
I wanted to pick up my phone but this was not WhatsApp, this message was not getting deleted or erased.

The sunlight beamed through the blinds as I woke up. I picked up my phone and looked at the notification panel.
1:38pm.
Fuck! How did I sleep for so long?

I sluggishly got up, weaving through my notifications and apps, I ignored my bible app reminder and went straight for my iMessage.
As I pulled it up, I noticed that my message from the night before had been read four hours prior but no reply.

Fucking Kamal.

……

“Tobi, where are you?”

I heard him chuckle over the phone and he replied

“Chill, I’m coming”

I growled and snapped back

“Tobi, you said you have been coming since morning. If you couldn’t come, you should have just told me and I would have found a way to come and get it.
Where are you now, so I can come and get it?”

I could tell my anger took him by surprise as he said

“I’m already on my way to you. I’m bringing it”

I replied

“How long?!”

“15minutes”

He snarled back.

Click. The call was over.

The next roughly 15minutes were sooo annoying!
One thing I hate more than anything else is being made to wait.
I needed that bag and what is more annoying is that I gladly would have gone to get it myself.
But here I was waiting on someone who didn’t see the urgency in what I needed.

When he pulled up, I opened the door and let him in.
His first words didn’t help because I was doing everything within my power to not snatch my purse from him.
He smiled and said

“Why are you so angry?”

I took a deep breath and said

“Tobi, give me my purse”

He started trying to play hookie with me by running around the coffee table in the center of my living room.
I was so angry and I charged at him.
He ducked and turned around the couch, he was now standing between the couch and my dining table.
I stopped to catch my breath and I said

“Tobi, please give me my purse. I am tired abeg”

He smiled and started walking towards me with his hands behind his back, both on my purse.
I walked towards him and we were soon standing within inches of each other.
He leaned in and tried to kiss me.
I weaved and moved my head as I said

“Tobi stop. Just please give me my purse. I’m really tired”

He smirked and said

“Not giving it to you until you give me a kiss”

I turned around to walk away. I was boiling inside.
He tried to grab my forearm as I turned away. In one swoop, I swung around and smacked his hand.
There was a look of pure shock on his face, he clearly didn’t think I was going to hit him that hard.
He pulled his hand out and stretched my purse towards me.

I collected it and sluggishly walked into the room.
I opened the bag and began shuffling in the purse for what I was looking for.
I couldn’t find it.
I couldn’t fucking find it!
My eyes were getting cloudy and my heart was racing. I turned the contents of the purse on to the bed.
A parking ticket I had been putting off was amongst the contents. I hissed as I rummaged through the bag still looking for the item.
No luck.

I could feel my breath leaving me.
I got up and went towards my bedside desk. Opening the drawer, I started looking for it there.
Nothing.
I walked back to the bed and sat down.
At this point, the tears were coming down my face.
I was afraid.
My mind went blank. The last time I saw it, I was putting it into my purse.
So where could it have gone?
I stood up to head into the living room. As I stood up, I felt my legs give way and I slumped with the back of my head catching the corner of my bed.
The last thing I heard was Tobi bursting into my room.
I saw his legs as he bent next to me and lifted my head into his arms.

He kept calling my name.
I was slowly forgetting mine.
My eyes shut.

…..

“Do you know when the last time she took her medication was?”

Those were the first words I heard as I was getting wheeled into the emergency room. There was no way Tobi could have known.

As they parked the bed, the doctors tried to ask me some questions. I roughly remember what I said.
Soon there was a drip going into my forearm and I felt myself drifting off again. The last thing I remember was motioning weakly to Tobi who was sitting next to me, he rode up and stood over me.
I sheepishly whispered

“Kamal.”

He looked confused. I whispered again

“Call Kamal”

When I woke up about 5hours later, Tobi and Kamal were sitting on opposite sides of the bed, flanking me.
I could feel the tension between them. It was like a cloud over the open bed space.
Tobi must have used my Face ID to get into my phone which was what I expected anyways and Kamal, while worried about me, must have not understood why Tobi was there.

I slowly sat up and said

“Have you two met?”

Tobi shook his head and said

“I just called him like you asked”

My lips were chapped and my throat was dry. I swallowed hard and said

“Thank you”

I looked over at Kamal and smiled before continuing

“I told you to call Kamal because he knew my medication and would have been able to tell the doctors”

Kamal jumped in and said

“Yes, I told them already and they gave you a drip and a refill, you should be good to leave here later tonight or tomorrow if you want”

I slid back into the bed.
I could tell that Tobi was dying inside, I could see it on his face. He didn’t know why I fainted and here I was asking another man to come and meet us at the hospital. But, I was not about to explain at that time. I was too weak.
He tried to hold it together for a bit and then he said

“Hey- So I have to go and take care of some work stuff.
Will you let me know when you get discharged?”

I nodded.
He leaned in gave me a hug and then that “man” nod to Kamal before walking out.

As he walked out, I turned to look at Kamal.
He smiled without saying anything. I asked

“What?”

He smiled and said

“Nothing o. You just know how to pick them”

Slightly embarrassed, I replied

“I didn’t even do anything”

He smiled even more and said

“Yeah right, you never do”

He continued and said

“How are you feeling? I was worried when I got the call”

I looked down on the bed and said

“I’m fine to be honest, I just didn’t take my meds because I couldn’t find them.
But I’m good honestly”

He said

“Are you sure?”

I nodded and said

“You know me, I’m good”

He said okay and then he asked

“Are we still on for this weekend, now that you have decided to put me in a death scare”

I replied

“Ori e” – translates to “Your head” before continuing to say

“Honestly, I should be good with a day of rest and icing my head. I think I hit it on the bed when I fell.
Hurts like a MF”

He replied and said

“Lmaooooo its because your head is so big”

If I could have punched him, I totally would have.

…..

As we pulled up to the venue, I noticed that he still had his drink in the door of the car.

“You’re supposed to have finished drinking that already?”

I whined.
He smiled, picked up the bottle and downed what was left of it. I knew it was going to be a good night.
We walked to the venue and I suggested that we grab drinks before the show started.
We snuck into the connected bar and sat by the bar.

His eyes kept wandering as he was amazed by the setup. There were video games everywhere.
We ordered our drinks and I saw him googling “Mario Kart games on PlayStation 4”. Such a big kid.
I asked the bartender to surprise me with my drink and I think he ordered a Red Bull.
We took our drinks and headed into the venue, the show was about to start.
As we approached the door, we got stopped and were told to get our tickets at the box office. So we walked all the way back to the front, got the tickets and then headed in.

I could tell how handsome he looked by the stank eyes most of the ladies flashed at me. He kept beaming that smile behind me and I was all here for it.
We sat right next to each other but he turned my seat, so my back was to him and we faced the stage.
The entire show, bar when he was on his phone, his hands were on my bum.
I couldn’t wait for us to get out of there.

The show was fun. Lots of laugh, improv nights are always my favorite.
We walked out talking about threesomes – we had seen a lady with a beautiful butt. So beautiful.
I can’t remember who suggested it but we ended up at a club, a few drinks and fist pumping, I was ready to go. I had wanted to jump his bones since I picked him up at the airport.
As we walked out, I noticed this white girl who had come up to me in the club.

She was sitting down on the floor with a cup of ice.
I asked

“What happened? You left me in there”

She was so drunk and even attempting to respond to me, she knocked over her cup of ice and she looked so distraught. I felt bad but I rushed out of there so quick!
We made it to the car and I couldn’t wait to get us home. He was playing music and we were having a great time in the car and then he asked

“How far away from the house are we?”

I nonchalantly replied

“About 5 minutes”

He smiled and once we hit a red light, he leaned over and kissed me.
Then he slid his left hand up my skirt. I couldn’t concentrate.
My legs started shaking and my breathing short. He slid my panties to the side and began rubbing my clit.
I was squirming while trying to keep the car steady.
What the fuck?
I could feel the chills rising up my back. I wanted to close my eyes and let go but we were almost home.
I remember veering out of my lane and my car beeping to alert me.
I was alert alright, my pussy was ready for a beating.
To cap it off, he removed his hand, looked at me and licked my juices off his fingers.

As we pulled in the parking lot, I quickly parked.
I could hear Lil Wayne’s verse on The Motto playing in the background as he reclined my seat.
He leaned in as if he was about to kiss me. I was wrong.
He reached up my skirt and pulled my panties down.
Kissed me on the forehead and hopped out of the car.
I was soooooooo angry!
Like wtf?!

I gathered myself, pulled my skirt down and hopped out of the car.
There he was standing in the middle of the parking lot, all 6’3 260lbs of him. His left hand was to his face.
As I got closer, I realized he was holding my panties to his nose.
We entered my apartment and he sat down on the couch, I made him a drink and pulled down his pants.
I was ready to go.

His moans were my favorite part. His hands running through my hair as he cursed and told me

“This is the best head ever”

My inner thot smiled.
I stroked and slurped down his shaft, soaking his balls and drinking on to my leather couch.
I wanted all of him deep in my throat and in my guts.
He tried to fight it but wasn’t very successful.
He went silent as I stroked his dick with my left hand and juggled his balls with my right hand.
He pushed me off and walked me back to the room.

He climbed on the bed and laid on his back.
I climbed on the bed and planted my pussy on his face before leaning forward and taking in his dick – 69.
It was wet on both ends of the coast as we feasted on each other.
He pushed me off as I came and was about to lean into me, there is a full length mirror at the foot of my bed, I caught a glimpse of myself.
As I laid down, I spread my legs wide. He lowered his member into me and started slow.
Cupping my head in his hand and protecting it from the head board, he thrust in and out.
The pace picked up and my profanity did as well.
He was hitting it right.
His grip on my thighs was as hot as the depths his dick was exploring.
I could see the hunger in his eyes.
He pounded me like candied yams. I was loving it.

When he flipped me over, I was ready.
I arched my back and tooted my ass towards him. He smiled and slide into me.
I could still feel how wet his balls were as they slammed into my clit.
He grabbed the shit out of my waist and he went to work. It was as if we hadn’t seen each other in 3 months.
He kept at it and so did I, throwing it back like a third draft of a senior thesis.

I could feel welling up and getting ready with his canon.
So I wrapped my legs around his butt.
He was leaning all the way into me, I was almost falling off the bed as he pounded my pleading pussy.
I wanted it. More of it.
All of it.
He didn’t stop.
I wouldn’t let him stop.
Just as he was about to let go, I looked back, damn near from the floor and yelled

“Fill me up”

Boom.
He grunted.
Moaned and pumped me full of his warm seed.
I lay there for a few minutes as he curled up next to me panting for air.
I turned over and said

“Where are my panties?”

He smiled and said

“You’re never getting them back”

It was going to be a long weekend and I was going to enjoy every minute of it.
I rolled over in the bed as he got up and headed to the bathroom.

The lights went on and then he said

“The condom broke”

 

Welcome to my first series of 2019! Expect a lot more this year. That’s all I’m saying.
Oh also, please leave me a comment and share your thoughts. Thanks!

 

PLEASE COMMENT. 

~Part 2 drops next Saturday! Do not miss it~

Follow @adewus4real

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

#SanmiSaturdays

© 2019 #WhatTheHeckMan

#WhatTheHeckMan · #WordsofWednesday · African · African Fiction · Art · Bloggers · Drama · Erotica · Fiction · Life · Poetry · Sex · Stories · TheRants · TheRantsShow

Lipstick Stain 3


Lipstick Stain – Part 1

Lipstick Stain – Part 2


Part 3

Picking up myself from the hospital floor was so hard. I was in so much pain that I didn’t even go back into the room to check on her before I left.
My heart was hurting and my mind was racing.
How could she do this to me?
Why didn’t she tell me?
I could not fathom how she could be carrying our joy and not tell me.
How could other people have known about it without me knowing?

There was so much running through my mind. Everything I thought about her, I would feel a pain in my heart.
I never got to meet the little one. Always dreamt of having my own son.
Being Arsenal fanatics. Teaching him perseverance by supporting one of the most disappointing teams in sports history or just watching him become his own man.
I also dreamt of having a daughter, helping her find her voice in this misogynistic world, owning her black girl magic and me trying to style her hair because I got the juice like that.
But I was never going to know what that felt like. At least, I felt like I missed out.
Almost like you waited in your home all day for a delivery only to come out and see a missed delivery notice.
It sucks.

I cried the whole way home. I didn’t even let “D” come with me.
I felt truly alone and I just wanted to be alone.
As I pulled into the estate, I didn’t even greet the guards at the main gate. I tried to avoid eye contact.
A part of me was very annoyed with them as well.
How did someone bypass them, shoot my wife and none of them knew?
Idiots.

As I parked the car, I felt like something was off.
How much of it was paranoia of the last few days? I couldn’t tell.
But as I approached the main door, it appeared to have been tampered with.
There were scratches around the keyhole and it appeared someone may have tried to kick the door.
My rage boiled over, I hopped into the car and drove straight to the main gate.
As I pulled up I parked to the right side of the gate, the one not used on a daily basis and I stormed out.
The first words that left my mouth were

“Sunday, where your oga day?”

He looked taken aback.
It could have been the tone in my voice or how I was marching towards him.

“Oga wetin happen?”

Was his nervous reply.
I looked him in the face and said in an irate manner

“Person come my house, shoot my wife. Una idiots no hear anything.
Now person come try break into my house again and no security. Wetin be una job again?
Why we dey pay you?
I swear to God wey create all of us. If anything like this happen again, na me go wound una.
Walahi!”

I didn’t even give them a chance to respond as I stormed back to my car.
I got in and drove out of the estate.
My heart was racing and it felt like misplaced anger but it also felt extremely necessary.
Like damn it! Why was everything in my life so misplaced?

I couldn’t think and I just kept driving.
I did not realize how far I had gone until I pulled into the coffee shop – Cafe Neo.
Before I could tell, I was waiting in line to order.
I took a seat while they made my drink. I wanted to cry some more but a part of me just wanted to be held.
The last few days had felt like a bad dream and I wanted someone to hold me by my shoulders, shake me and tell me that I’ve been dreaming all along.
But it didn’t seem likely at all.

I got my drink and I walked out of the coffee shop.
As I was stepping out, my phone buzzed.
Reaching for it, I moved my cup into my left hand and picked up my phone.
As I answered, the person on the phone said

“Akin, long time. How’s that coffee?
Before you start trying to figure out who I am, I just want you to know something.
Do as I say and everything will be fine…”

I was frozen but my eyes were scanning the parking lot and the side of the road. I was sure the person was looking at me but I couldn’t tell where.
I turned around to look and the voice on the phone continued

“5 million in cash or the next time, your wife won’t survive”

I asked in fear

“Who are you?”

The person chuckled and said

“I know you and right now, that is all that matters…”

……

I hadn’t driven that fast in a long time and trust Lekki traffic, I was stuck.
I immediately called the doctor and said

“Doctor, please make sure someone is there to look after my wife”

Startled he replied

“Akin, I just checked on her less than an hour ago”

I wasn’t having it

“Please put someone with her, I will be there as soon as possible”

Now more concerned he said

“Is everything okay?
I mean her mother is here, I can have her sit with your wife if you like”

I said

“I don’t care, just make sure someone is with her.”

He said okay and I continued to sit there in traffic super annoyed.
At one point, I considered abandoning my car and taking an Okada.
So many questions filled my head

“Who could it be?
Were they following me?
How did they know about Lade?”

Those thoughts sailed through my head and I changed my course as soon as I got the chance to.
I couldn’t be sure if the person was following me.
About 30 minutes later, I made it to the hospital.

Rushing into the room, all I wanted to see was if Lade was doing okay.
She seemed to be asleep.
I greeted her mother reluctantly as I was still very angry about the baby.
I turned around and left the room, Lade’s mother followed me closely.

“Akin duro, je kin ba e soro”
(Akin, wait up, let me talk to you)

I turned around as she held my hand and pulled me to the side.
She fixed her glasses and said

“You are my son and a child cannot remain angry with their parent forever.
I know you are upset and to ba je emi ni (if it was me), I would be upset too.
But I want you to know that we did not keep any of this from you as a secret.
By my understanding, your birthday is on Thursday and Lade was planning to surprise you.
She found out two months ago and felt it would be a great birthday surprise gift for you.
Ma binu oko mi (don’t be angry my son)”

I tell you this now, the way she spoke to me was very reminiscent of some deep talks I had with my mother growing up.
Something about it really spoke to me.
It was like she could see that I was trying to hold the anger and she continued

“Ma binu.
Lade needs you more than ever right now. All of this does not make sense but God is in control.
You are the head of this family and God will do another for you two but right now, you need to be a rock”

I nodded as she reached up to hug me.
I wiped off the tears streaming down my face as she rubbed my back.

She said,

“It has been a rough couple of days, you need to eat and go home to get some rest.”

I shook my head and said

“I can’t leave her. I have to be there when she wakes up”

She smiled and said

“Well before you came, the doctor said they will keep her induced for another 2 days to make sure everything is okay.
I am sure you can get some rest.
I will stay and her father will come and join me later tonight. “

Reluctantly, I agreed.
She then said

“I have asked my cook to make you some food.
She will be here any moment, go home and get some rest”

I wanted to tell her about the call I got but I also can confidently tell you that an African mother is the last person you want to tell that a hit has been put out on her daughter.
So I said

“The only way I can leave is if you can guarantee that someone will be with her at all times”

She nodded and said

“I will not leave her side.
The driver and the cook are outside, come let us go and put the food in your car quickly”

We walked out into the lobby and outside to the car.
The driver immediately stepped out and the cook was in the passenger’s seat.
Someone else was in the back but I couldn’t see till I got closer. The back door opened on the owner’s corner and it was Lade’s cousin, Lolade.
She stepped out and walked around the car.
Lade’s mom’s face lit up and she said

“Ah Lola, Iwo ni. (Oh Lola, it is you)
How are you my dear?”

She knelt and greeted her aunty before I gave her a hug.
She said

“Yes ma.
I had stopped by to drop something my mom wanted to give you and I heard about what happened to Lade, so I wanted to come and check on her.
Akin, how are you holding up?

Has she woken up?”

I forced a smile and said

“Trying love. Just staying positive. No, she is still under. ”

She nodded and said

“It is well.”

I told her the room number while I collected the food from the cook.
I walked over to my car parked on the other side of the lot and opened up the trunk with the remote.
As I lowered the cooler into the trunk, I noticed something out the corner of my eye.
Tucked away in the left side of the trunk, it was staring at me.
My gun.

I was shocked.
How did it get there? I thought to myself.
I quickly turned around to make sure that nobody saw it.
I noticed Lade’s mom walking towards me as she gave instructions to the cook.

“Akin, there should be efo, obe ata ati rice.
Ila alasepo naa wa n be”
(There should be spinach stew, pepper stew with rice and okra)

She said as she walked towards me.
I said

“Thank you mummy”

And quickly closed the trunk.
My heart was racing and I was feeling exposed.
Someone was clearly trying to set me up.

….

We walked back into the hospital and Lade’s mom took her seat next to her.
I was going to leave but I wanted to also make sure that Lolade knew the importance of keeping an eye on her.
Lolade and Lade were born in the same month and their mothers are sisters, so they gave them similar names and raised them together.
You couldn’t separate them growing up until they went to college in different countries and even then, they still remained very close.

As we stepped into the hallway I said

“Lolade someone called me today and asked for 5 million or they would try to hurt Lade again
I need you to please keep a close eye on her and anyone that comes into the room.
I am going to try and get the money today”

She replied with shock

“Wait, seriously?
You are going to get the money today? From where?”

I replied

“I don’t know but I have to. Nothing can happen to Lade”

She responded

“Well nothing will happen to her here.
But don’t worry, I will watch her”

I added

“Also, her parents cannot know. Only you know right now”

She nodded.
We walked back into the room and we were met with elation.
Lade’s mom was standing and quietly motioning us forward.
She was waking up!

As we approached, I stood by her side and held her right hand.
There was a huge smile on my face.
As she smacked her lips and blinked her eyes, she looked at me and smiled.
She looked to the side and saw her mom.
There was a quick frown, almost one of confusion. I think it was then she realized she was in a hospital bed.
She opened her eyes and looked at me closely. I was still smiling and I am sure I was almost crying.
She lifted her hand as if she wanted us to remove the air mask.
I lifted it off her mouth and she swallowed hard before asking

“Where am I?”

I replied and said

“Baby don’t worry about that. We are just glad you are okay”

Before I could continue, I noticed Lolade was walking out of the room.
Lade’s mom said

“Lolade, please help us get the doctor”

Those words were like missiles because instantly, I felt Lade squeeze my hand tightly and say

“What is she doing here?”

Not reading anything into it, I rubbed her hand and said

“Babe, that’s your cousin Lolade”

She tilted her head forward and said

“I know. But what is she doing here?”

The mood in the room quickly changed.
Lolade’s mom and I looked at each other, very confused.
We looked over to Lolade and then to Lade, she looked angry.
I said

“Lade, what is going on?
That’s your cousin. Are you okay?”

Her voice was still weak but her angst was strong.
She said

“Why is she here?
She is the reason I am here”

Lade’s mom gasped and I turned my gaze to Lolade standing by the door.
Her look had changed and she had a scowl on her face.
Her next words were

“You better fucking relax Akin.
Out here trying to play Superman for this one. When the baby wasn’t even yours”


Also, please check out my midweek post “Take Me To Church“.
Huge thank you to everyone leaving comments and sharing the series with their friends! I appreciate it all.


LEAVE ME A COMMENT ABOUT HOW YOU FEELING OR WHAT YOU THOUGHT ABOUT THIS PART. 

~The explosive Part 4 drops next Saturday! Do not miss it~

Follow @adewus4real

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

#SanmiSaturdays

© 2018 #WhatTheHeckMan

#WhatTheHeckMan · #WordsofWednesday · African · African Fiction · African Stories · Art · Bloggers · Oakland · Poetry · Stories · TheRants · TheRantsShow

Unpacked & Abandoned

I called you, twice
It kept ringing
No answer
The next time we talk
It will be over
The story
The movie
Battery, dead
Love?
Left.


Unpacked & Abandoned.

You ever moved to a new place and as you are planning to leave the current place, you decide that certain things won’t go with you?
The old bed frame, that broken toaster, the deadbeat partner? 👀

Unpacking is a cornerstone of growth and change.
Sometimes we don’t actively recognize that but it is so important.
The mind is like a train, things come in and get off, some come on and never get off. There is so much that will influence you in life but not all of it needs to enter your next phase with you.

Recently, I started thinking about the things that I have experienced in my past that I still carry around with me and how they could be affecting my future.
Yes, he cheated on you or you let her walk all over you.
Unpack that and set it down, so you can thrive.

Many of us allow those interactions/experiences/moments define us going forward. It is important to cherish some things in the now but let them go.
Why are you always worried about what he might do to hurt you?
Why do you always get defensive when women get close?
Have you seriously unpacked the things that you carry?

For the first few years after my relationship, I couldn’t imagine feeling the amount of love that put me at risk of getting as hurt as I did.
I actively avoided anything that will allow me to fall that hard for someone. In some cases, I would blatantly self-sabotage myself to prevent chances of being hurt.
I had to stop once and ask myself, why do you keep carrying that around?

The annoying thing with unpleasant things you haul around is that it is sometimes the first thing new people see when they meet you.
In the second conversation, your hurt, doubts, and insecurities start showing and he/she wants to run as far away from you as possible.
And the part that sucks the most is that it is so far away from who you really are.
Set some time aside, the things you have seen or been through are all very valid but they should not govern your life and your path forward.
What are the good things? Note them and cherish them.
Everything else? Let them go.

It is not enough to unpack.
When you take your stuff to Goodwill or Salvation Army to donate, you don’t later go back to buy it.
It takes intentionality to thrive and move forward.
You need to make it a daily choice to bask in your greatness. You have let go of the “waste”, now focus on the great.

Most people will reckon that packing can be difficult because you don’t know what you will need where you are going.
It is much easier after a trip to know what you don’t need for the next one. So toss it.
Abandon it, you will be better for it.

 

#WordsOfWednesday
#WTHM
#TheRantsShow

Black.Gay.Waiting Part 4 out on Saturday!
Please watch this space!

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

#WordsOfWednesday
© 2018 #WhatTheHeckMan

#WhatTheHeckMan · #WordsofWednesday · African · African Fiction · African Stories · Art · Bloggers · Drama · Fiction · Life · Nigerian Writers · Oakland · Poetry · Stories · TheRants · TheRantsShow

Black.Gay.Waiting 2

Black.Gay.Waiting 2

PART 2

It was 6am in the morning, I was just standing out in the middle of the quadrangle and looking embarrassed.
Wet.
I was trying to understand how I missed it.
My clothes were on the window pane to my left. I had placed them there before I began to bathe myself as I prepared for school.
Why would someone do this to me?
This was only my first morning in boarding school.

I wanted the safety of my home.
My temperature controlled shower, consistent electricity, hot breakfast and just emotional safety!
Here I was thrust into the “wild”.
Anyone that experienced it will tell you straight up that it builds character and forces you to face a lot of the fears you will meet in life.
One thing it also does though, it awakens fears you never thought you had.

That cold morning, I stood there and wished I could teleport.
I swear I had seen my clothes there. Just a minute before.
Someone obviously moved it because they wanted to teach me a lesson.
I eventually made my way into my dorm and tried to forget that had happened, but it hurt.
That day, I prayed that I would never be in that kind of situation again.

Well, I have been in that situation 3 times since then but this had to be the most embarrassing.
My father, a renowned minister, was standing less than 10 feet away from me while I clutched my undergarments to protect my exposed genitalia.
Fuck!
How did this happen?
How did he know I was here?

“Pastor, I am sorry”

Micah said in whimpering tone.

“Shut up!”

My father barked back at him.

He looked up to me and said

“You are still at this?! After everything your mother and I have done for you?”

My head dropped.
He continued on

“You are a disgrace. A complete disgrace.”

It was at that point I dropped my clothes on the bed and I started putting my boxers on.
I was so tired of being called all sorts for being who I was.
My father turned to Micah and said

“…and you, I cannot believe you would do this. I never want to see you again.
Or anywhere near the church.”

He stormed out without saying another word.
I quickly put the rest of my clothes on and followed. Micah tried to grab me, I stopped and he said

“I’m sorry. This is my fault”

I smiled and gave him a kiss on his lips and then said

“Don’t be. You did nothing wrong”

as I wiped his lip.
He dropped his head and I patted his cheek as I walked out.

Walking into the parking space, my father said to me

“Give him the keys”

referring to his driver who was now standing outside to my left, right next to my car.
I wanted to ask why but I knew why.
He wanted us to ride together so he could berate me further.
I didn’t question it, I tossed my keys to Dimeji, our longtime family driver and the man that taught me how to drive.
He nodded, almost in apology and then entered my car.
I walked over to my father’s car and entered.
To my surprise, he did not say a single word during the entire ride home.

When we got home, I went straight to my room and stayed there most of the day.
I shuffled between scrolling through Twitter and watching season 4 of the Blacklist. I was basically trying everything to get my mind off what had just happened.
My mom was out of the country and returning later that night. One thing was for sure, my father was always going to tell my mother what happened.
They tell each other everything.
So I knew it was only a matter of time before she was brought up to speed.
And she was going to be home in a few hours.

…..

I was awakened by the buzzing of my phone.
I actually didn’t realize I had fallen asleep. As I answered, I tried to keep my eyes closed.
The voice on the other end was familiar. It said

“Are you ready?”

I wasn’t understanding. So I asked

“Ready for what?”

She said

“Drinks. I texted you and told you I was coming”

I hadn’t seen the text. Probably because I was sleeping. So I asked

“Where are you?”

“10mins away”

she replied

I sighed and said

“Aight, I’ll be out in a bit”

I quickly got up, brushed my teeth and then washed my face before heading out the room.
As I approached the living room, I could hear the sounds of the television – MSNBC.
That was one of my dad’s favourite channels, so I quickly put it together that he was in there.
I knew I had to walk past him and I was going to do it as quickly as possible.
As I entered the living room and was almost out of the main door, he said

“Ni bo lo da?” – translating to “where to?”

I stopped in my tracks, turned to my right where he sat and said

“I am grabbing dinner with a friend”

He squeezed his face and dismissed me with his mouth closed.
And out I was.

In the car waiting for me was Sandra.
One of my true best friends and one of the only few that knew my situation.
As I sat in the car, she turned and gave me a hug.
She followed it up by saying

“How are you?”

In that moment, I wanted to break down and cry but I mustered the strength and said

“I think I’m okay hun.
Like… I don’t know but I’d like to think that I’m good”

We chatted about her week and her boyfriend whom she felt was dragging his feet and not proposing.
I told her to be calm, after all, only 20 months of dating was never going to be enough time to know someone.
Sandra was extra like that.

As they cleared our table, Sandra asked for the check and brought out her wallet.
I looked at her with confusion and said

“What are you doing?”

She scoffed, smiled and said

“Paying. Or what does it look like?”

I was about to reply when she said

“Abeg hold that your machismo nonsense. I got this one.”

I just swallowed my words. She then asked

“So what are you going to do?”

I looked up to her and locked my fingers into each other as I said

“I honestly don’t know but I sure as hell know that I am tired.
I mean for crying out loud, I am almost 30!
I have never had sex and I have done everything my family has asked of me…but I cannot change who I am!
This is who I fucking am. Sandra it is soo tiring.
Is it my fault that my parents are pastors? Or that I like men and not women?
Like let’s get this straight, I am almost fucking thirty! Like is it because I moved back home or something?
Like I am just tired”

She nodded as I could see the sadness all over her face.
She said

“I am sorry hun. I really am.
Let me just say this though. Just continue to be yourself. We appreciate you for who you are.
I know for sure that I do, and I love you for being you”

“Thanks love.”

I replied.
Dinner and those drinks certainly helped me feel a bit better. As I rode home in the back of the Uber, I couldn’t help but think about how much I had wanted to break free.
For many years, nobody knew of my status and I truly didn’t need people to know.
I was always sure that I never wanted people to treat me any kind of way because of my sexuality. I was going to be great at anything I did without being treated differently.
But how come my home never felt like I was welcome?
My father would preach love and togetherness, being non-judgmental, forgiveness and unconditional love.
Yet, since I became an adult, those things have been far away from me.

The Uber pulled up to the gate and said

“Okay sir, we are here”

I looked up and noticed we were in front of my house.
I grew up in that house and I had come to hate that house. Every time I brought up the idea of me moving out, my mother scoffed at it and tried to make me feel bad for not wanting to live with them.
I heaved a deep sigh as I knocked on the gate for the gateman to open.

The house was quiet when I got in but the television was on.
I turned it off and went to my room. As I began taking my clothes off, I heard the gate open.
My parents were back.
I turned the lights off and got into my bed.
I heard them make their way into the house. I could hear my mom’s voice and even though I hadn’t see her in a few weeks, I decided against coming out of my room.

I heard them talking in their bedroom which was a floor beneath mine but when the house was quiet enough, it felt like they were next door.
I heard the water running. I figured my mother was taking a shower.
Sleep came calling and soon enough I was struggling to keep my eyes open.

I hadn’t been asleep for too long when I heard my door open quickly.
By the fruity scent left behind, I figured it was mom that came to check if I was awake.
I was, but I was not ready for the things that followed.

…..

Sunday mornings were always sluggish for me.
I think as I got older, I hated the pressure that came from being a PK (Pastor’s kid). So I became more distant from the church in many ways.
I would still go but I was always late or very detached. Only at the church, my parents pastored.
This morning, I woke up and I just lay there for a while.
I kept playing that day and my dad walking in.
As I replayed the day, I kept blaming myself.
Maybe I shouldn’t have slept over or maybe I should have rushed and put my clothes on as I heard my dad barge in.
I kept going through a bunch of maybes but I eventually settled on the fact that, it already happened and there was nothing I could do to change it.

When I made it to church, praise and worship was just about to start.
For the next twenty-five minutes, we sang and danced to the glory of God.
Then came the Liberty prayer and then the announcements.
The sermon was about to start when I noticed my father hand the microphone to my mother.
He wasn’t taking the sermon today.

I figured that it was because of everything that had happened over the weekend, he wanted to absolve himself of any ill feelings while ministering.
My mother got up there like she had many times before and began preaching.
She was firm, she was direct and told it as it was.

The title of her sermon was “Finding Your Way Home”
A lot of what she said convicted me, I felt like I had drifted from God.
I used to be active in the church and closer in my journey against sexual immorality.
I had promised that I would never have sex until I was married.
And even though I had dated women and almost got married to one, I was determined to wait until after I was married to have sex.
Now some of you may say, but what is the point in going on God, when you are already gay.
I wish I knew but it felt like the right thing to do within me.
And that was what I was going to do.

Midway through her sermon, I remember my mother saying

“Some of us have been so blessed by God that we stray. We let the blessings get to us and then we forget all that he has done.
We start to simplify his goodness and take it for granted.
Brethren, I encourage you to never let the elevation you have in life, make you think you no longer need God…”

I remember thinking

“hmmm, maybe I had turned on God and forgotten how much he had blessed me…”

I was in that thought when I heard my name over the loudspeakers.
I looked up and my mother was motioning me towards the altar.
I looked around to be sure.
Slowly, I got up and walked to the front of the church.

She stepped down from the altar and came up to me.
Placing her hand on my shoulder she said into the microphone

“An example of forgetting home and God’s blessings is my son here.
God has given him so much that he has forgotten God to the point that he is now engaging in sinful acts that made God burn down Sodom and Gomorrah.
My son has been participating in a homosexual relationship”

The entire church gasped.
I swear I thought I had died for a second.
It was like I was hearing a cassette tape played backwards. Everything in my head was scrambled. I was stunned.
My eyes quickly welled up and I couldn’t understand.

“How could she do this to me?”

I thought to myself.
I turned and people in the congregation had their hands covering their mouths in shock.
Something in me wanted to run but I couldn’t.
My mom continued and said

“It is important that when people are trying to lead you back to Christ, you take note because you can be lost in the world”

As she finished, someone got up in the second row and said

“Abeg what is all this nonsense?
Is this what we came to church for?”

My mother, microphone to her lips, said

“Excuse you?”

And the man continued and said

“Yes, is this why we came to church. So you can air your personal drama?
We come for the word, not this theatrics.
Besides, this is not news at least not to your family. Your husband always knew and he has known for a while now, so why are you here lying to us.
Please let us hear word”

My mother, surprised, turned around and looked at my father.
He rose up with his head hung low.
He took two steps forward and then he slumped. My father died that morning.

What happens next?
Come back for Part 3 next Saturday!
Please leave a comment below. Thanks for reading!

Please leave me a comment or tweet at me here@adewus4real! Feedback is EVERYTHING~Thanks!

The End.

Part Three next Saturday and ready to drop! @adewus4real

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated.
Thanks for the love and

#WhatTheHeckMan · African · African Fiction · African Stories · Art · Bloggers · Drama · Erotica · Fiction · Life · Oakland · Poetry · Sex · Stories · TheRants

Black.Gay.Waiting

#BGW

Music: Unknown (To You) by Jacob Banks

“I don’t know if I am allowed to say this but I love your smile.
Ethnic people are just so beautiful”

I tried to force a smile back as I looked down to this old white lady that thought she had just paid me a compliment.

“Thanks”

I muttered back with my “professional” smile plaster across my coconut oiled face.

“You know, I have friends from Africa.
What part of Africa are you from?”

I was shocked that she had even continued to talk to me.
They called out my name from behind the register.

“Tall chai latte for Dee”

I excused myself from the conversation with the lady and I walked to the counter, grabbed my drink and without saying a word to her, I walked out of the Starbucks.

That night as I took a shower, my mind flashed back that interaction that morning.
I suddenly became annoyed.
That was normal, people saying inappropriate and culturally insensitive things.
That was my entire time living in Boston.

There were two schools of people – the ignorant but sometimes well meaning group and the downright racist/white supremist quarter.
Overall, I hated Boston but I understood why my Nigerian parents sent me there for school.
My father went to Law School. His brother and family that I would spend most holidays with, currently live in Boston.
My mother taught for years in central Baltimore. The only things she loved more than those white kids she taught were my siblings and I, my dad and her commute to work.
You never messed with my mothers radio or her Ebenezer Obey cds in the car.

After graduation, I moved to New York for a few years, working out of a mid level law firm.
Yes, I took after my dad.
And as some of you may be able to relate, I had no choice.

I didn’t like practicing law but I didn’t hate it either. I passed the bar on my second go and I was making good money.
The people I worked with were decent and they made the days go by.
But I knew I was only buying time.

….

“It’s 300k.”

My friend Duke tried to tell me.

“Huh?”

I replied as I didn’t hear him clearly.

“The total is 300k”

He repeated.

“Did you factor in a tip?”

I asked.

He nodded.
I pulled out my card and handed it to him.

“Put it on here”

I said to him as he took it from me and turned.
It was my birthday dinner and everyone was eating and having a good time.
I hate birthday dinners.
On one end, you can plan and people will flake or you can’t accurately split the bill.
Everyone knows that people always forget their drinks and tip.
So I had deduced that whenever I had one, I would either be blessed to have a sugar daddy that would handle the bill or I was going to do it myself.

It was the latter.
We did pictures shortly after.
I had picked up my friends Sandra and Bisoye from Ikoyi on my way to the dinner, so I had to drop them off before heading to my parents in Surulere.

My mother was the type that wanted to make sure that I attended services whenever I was in town.
She used to say “you need know God before you need God” or the line I loved so much, “how do you expect to hold your home together if you don’t have a vibrant prayer life?”
Yes, my mother was the typical Pentecostal bible believing mother.
My father wasn’t always there for direct interaction. Leading growing church and law firm can be challenging sometimes.
But fear not, he was just as influential as my mother.
Overbearing, loving, kind, annoying and everything in between.
Those were my parents and I loved them so much.

And that was how much I loved and appreciated everyone that came out to celebrate with me.
After the last set of pictures, I said out loud

“Thank you all for coming. I truly appreciate it. You guys are awesome.”

Hugs and pecks as I headed towards the car.
Sandra is obsessed with 2Face Idibia’s latest track, Gaga Shuffle and it didn’t help that she worked at one of the top radio stations.
She would never stop going on about it!
So we knew as we entered the car that she was going to start playing the song.

Together we belted out the first line “As I want craze, I want involve you for my f-ing craze”
Such a tune!
Sandra’s calling was to be in music. No doubt.
I love sharing songs with her, she knows almost every song!
If it’s on the radio or has the potential to get there, Sandra knows it.

I looked into the rear view mirror and Bisoye has fallen asleep.
It was like a curse. Once Bisoye enters a car and she is not the one driving, sleep is what happens next – always!
Sandra and I teased as Bisoye mumbled some words out of her sleep.
It is exactly as you imagine it, the cutest thing ever but also the most consistent thing whenever we all got into the car together.
About twenty minutes later, I was peeling out of their apartment complex. Sleep was creeping up on me as I got back on the Third Mainland Bridge.
I had probably gone about 5 miles when I heard a loud thud. I went another mile as I tried to guess what had happened.
At first thought, I figured I must have run over something or hit something but as I drove on, I felt my car begin to wobble.

Everyone knows that late at night in Lagos is not the time for your car to be having issues. So as I pulled over, I was very frustrated.
On one hand, this was probably money I didn’t need to spending that would be going to that repair and on the other hand, I just wanted to sleep!
Upon closer inspection as I stepped out of the car, I noticed that one of my tires had blown out.
This was going to be a short while but I knew how to change a tire from watching my father do it.
I locked the car and walked to the trunk as I opened it, I noticed that the jack that was needed to change the tire was missing.
I could scream!
I knew someone in my house must have gone in there and failed to return it, now here I was stuck on this dangerous bridge in the crack of the night.

I walked to the passengers side and unlocked the car.
Immediately, I called the person I knew would answer.

“Deacon, I need your help”

….

He showed up about 30 minutes later and very soon the tire was changed.
As I was about to get into the car, he said

“You can come to my place since I know your estate will be closed by now”

I paused and thought about it, he was right. The security team at my apartment was notorious for stressing my life out whenever I returned late.

“Okay, lets go”

He handed me an oversized shirt at his apartment while I connected to the wifi.

“you can take the bed, while I sleep on the couch”

I shook my head and replied,

“You don’t have to do that”

He quickly replied

“I just know what you said the last time and I was trying to honor that”

I nodded and said

“I remember what I said but as long as you respect yourself, we should be good”

He said

“Okay”

I headed into the bathroom to wash my face and then into the bed. He was still in the living room when I got in.
At this time, it was 3am and I was super tired.
I knocked out pretty quickly after.

I must have been asleep for about an hour when I felt a strong arm come around my midsection. He pulled me close.
His arm was strong, warm and I remember how safe I used to feel in his hold.
A part of me wanted to break away because I had warned him, but I also really liked his touch.
I stayed put and awake.
A few minutes later, I could feel his rising member between my cheeks.
I was getting turned on, even though I knew I wanted to fight it.
A few moments later, he turned me around and passionately kissed me.
I could taste the cheesecake I brought over with me on his lips.
His tongue was strong like his hands. It searched me and I got weak.

He was on his side with his right arm across my midriff.
He tasted so good and I just sunk into his arms. It was like his mattress was suddenly softer than a cloud and I was free falling.
It had been a while, a long while since someone took charge of my physical and made me lose myself.

He began to kiss my neck and I was losing it.
I was really excited now. His tongue licked behind my left ear.
It ticked and pushed me further off the ledge.
I wanted more, so I don’t know where the words “we have to stop” came from.
He pulled back and towering over me, he said

“You don’t want to?”

I closed my eyes and said

“I just don’t know… I’m just worried we will get into this space again… you know”

He pulled further back and said

“I understand. I’m sorry”

I quickly replied and said

“Don’t apologize. Its not just you. It has to be both of us”

He didn’t say anything else.
He laid on his back staring at the spinning ceiling fan with the light from the DVR partially illuminating the room.
I turned over on my left side and stared out of the window.
I won’t lie to you, I so badly wanted him to grab me again. I know what I said but I wanted the opposite at that moment.

I thought he had fallen asleep when I said

“Micah”

He didn’t even say anything, I heard a grunt.
And I turned and planted a wet one on his lips.
He ran his hand under his t-shirt I was wearing. That was it!
Our lips locked and it felt so good.
So good, I was annoyed when he turned me over and spooned me.
Until he spread my cheeks and slid into me.
He belly was cold but he breath was warm and his throbbing member was anything but.
With each thrust, he spread me wider and I grabbed a handful of the sheets in my right hand.
My moans were subdued. It was very late and his window was open.
But I wanted to scream.
It had been so long and naturally it hurt a little. And I loved it.
I could feel him pulse and I moved my hips to match his stride.
It was satisfying as he filled me up.
He pumped and grunted before panting for air.
I turned over and snuggled into his chest. I could hear his heart beating.
He wrapped his arm around me and it was only moments before he knocked out.
I placed my leg over his and that is the last I remember of the night.

…..

Thud…Thud…Thud.
I ignored it.
Thud…Thud… Thudddddd.
I thought I was dreaming but I slowly started to come into my consciousness.
Then I realized the noise was actually outside.
I sprung up, only to see Micah getting up as well. I said

“What is going on?”

He motioned with his left hand and said

“Hold on.
I’ll go check”

He grabbed his robe hanging off the inside of the open closet door and put it on.
Out the room he marched, leaving it slightly ajar.
I heard him put on his slippers and head towards the door.
I hated how he dragged his feet. It was always a pet peeve of mine.
Still surprised me how I developed feelings for a man that did something I hated so much.

I heard the front door open.
I actually thought it was someone that he owed money or maybe his car was blocking someone from leaving out the parking lot.
As the door opened I heard someone say very loudly

“Where is he?! Where is he?!
I know you have my son in here”

I recognized that voice – it was my father.
It took a second for what was happening to register, so there was a delay in my head.
Before I could jump up and put my clothes on, my father barged into the room
There was midway hunched over trying to grab my boxers. Butt ass naked.
I turned and looked straight and my father.
A lagging Micah was behind as he said

“Pastor, I can explain”

All I could say was

“Daddy”

Please leave me a comment or tweet at me here@adewus4real! Feedback is EVERYTHING~Thanks!

The End.

Part Two is already done and ready to drop! @adewus4real

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated.
Thanks for the love and support.

Stay up

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© 2017 #WhatTheHeckMan

#WhatTheHeckMan · #WordsofWednesday · African · African Fiction · African Stories · Art · Bloggers · Drama · Erotica · Fiction · Life · Nigerian Writers · Oakland · Poetry · Sex · Stories · TheRants

Against Counsel – Part 4

The Last Stop…

Against Counsel
Part IV

It felt like an eternity.
I was staring out the window and watching the cars on the busy street. My eyes would fix on a particular car or person and track them till they moved out of the show.
I didn’t want to turn around.
My eyes were swollen from all the crying I had done in mere minutes.

So here I was for years, fasting and praying that God would give me something from someone who was doing everything within his power to hinder me.
Life.
Tobias broke the silence

“Adeola, let me explain”

I didn’t turn around yet.
He continued

“There is just a lot that I should have told you sooner and I am deeply sorry”

I swallowed hard.
My saliva was thick and I could feel a slight headache coming on, still looking outside the window and without turning, I said

“Were you ever going to tell me?”

He paused and then began to say

“You will never know the amount of guilt and sadness that I have held over the years. I have always wanted to tell….”

I turned and yelled

“Are you kidding me?
9 years Toby! (I called him Toby)
Nine years, I slaved, prayed and bled to give you a child and you couldn’t bring yourself to tell me?!
Are you fucking serious?”

I was barely able to get the words out as I was losing my voice

“Adeola, I promise I never planned to hurt you.
Do you know how it feels to live in a prison of life?
Pretending to be somebody else and trying to convince yourself that you are not who you think you are.
Marrying you was a mistake because I should have known who I was.. Falling in love with you was not one.
You have to believe that I wished I could tell you but I was a coward.
Afraid of what coming out to you would mean. The woman I shared sacred vows with….”

I couldn’t contain my tears but I let his words sit for a few seconds and then I said

“Those vows mean nothing because they were based on a lie.
A vey important lie.
did you always know before we got married that you were not attracted to women?”

 

His face seemed to drop.
He took a deep breath and said

“I had an idea but I was never really sure.
Some people thought it was a phase and that I would grow past it once I got married.
It subsided for a while but ultimately I wasn’t happy.
Not by any fault of ours but because I needed a different kind of love.
I should have told you and the fact that I couldn’t is all on me. Not you”

Honestly I wanted to say more but I was so broken.
This was a rollercoaster ride that I wanted to stop but I couldn’t.
But I had to know

“How long were you with him? And why did you get a vasectomy? We could have still had a child.”

 

He shook his head and said

“No we couldn’t. My count was low.
I had checked a year into our marriage. I also did not want to bring a child into this world to a life of lies and only to be confused.
That would be selfish on another level… As for the partners, I have only had two.
I was with one for about 2years until Abike threatened to expose me to you, if I didn’t stop… and then I started back up about year ago with the boy that works with you.”

I turned sharply towards Abike and screamed

“What?!… You knew he was cheating?! And you didn’t tell me?!”

She looked shell shocked.
Eyes big and wide, she froze.

…..

“Abike! Abike!”

She snapped out of her trance and muffled

“Hmmm”

“What is he saying?!!!”

I snarled back at her.
She was still frozen like a deer in headlights.

“Abike, I swear to God, if you don’t open your mouth….I will slap the shit out of you!”

I yelled at her.
Then she spoke.

“Yes!
I knew. I fucking knew and everyone knew.
We just wondered how you never knew…
….there was one evening when I came to drop something off for you. You had given me the keys because both of you were supposed to be out of town.
I walked in on your husband giving a man a blowjob. I was furious.
I wanted to tell you but you were so happy…so in love…I wasn’t going to be the one to take that away from you.
….And like he said, he apologized and promised he wasn’t going to do it again. I figured we would all move past it and it was a mistake”

 

Now I was angry!

“A mistake? A fucking mistake?
Do you think I would call it a fucking mistake if I walked in on your husband blowing another man?!
A mistake?! Wow… I have never heard anything more stupid in my life!”

She raised her hands in a pacifying motion and said

“Adeola, I said this already.
Nobody wants to be a home wrecker. I didn’t know how to say anything.”

“You are my sister! my fucking sister, Abike!
I don’t care about a stupid home if my own sister cannot tell me when the walls are crashing down.
You betrayed my trust…. I can’t even believe all of this. I just can’t.
This is too much”

I started to move towards the door when Abike said

“Sis Adeola, I am really sorry. Please believe that I am and I Want to to do everything within my power to make this better. If you will just allow me to try.”

I turned around as I grabbed my purse and I said

“You see that is your problem. You all continue to take and give nothing.
I have been there for you in countless ways, I love your children like they are my own.
Yet you have taken all of my happiness from me.
I am at a junction in my life….*tears*…. where I should be leaning on you the most and here I am finding the most heart wrenching things about my life through the lenses of other people.
You are my sister for crying out loud.
….. I am pregnant with a child that I know nothing of his father. For all I know, it could be this one or the Lord visited me in the middle of the night because I know I haven’t been with anyone else.
And I have cancer Abike!
Cancer that I only just found the strength to fight. So no, I will not be giving you any chances to do anything here.”

 

As I tried to leave, Lizzy, who had been standing in the corner started to move towards the door with me.
Tobias reached and tried to hold me.

“Don’t touch me.”

I tearfully said and then I heard Abike’s voice

“Wait!”

I stopped in my tracks.
She continued and said

“Since you are going to be leaving, there is something you should know now.”

Her husband Kunle looked at her very surprised and said

“Really, you want to tell her now?”

She bowed her head and said

“I have to.”

I was intrigued.
I shut the door and turned, holding my purse in front of me with both hands.

“What is it?”

I asked
She was already crying heavily which always broke my heart. She sniffled a few times and then she said

“I know the father of your child”

……

Pause for a second.
Have you ever been in the middle of a bad dream, and something bad was about to happen but you let it play its course, because you knew it was a bad dream?
Okay.
Now, have you ever been wide awake and watching life move right in front of you, like a bad dream?
Like everything that is happening is mortifying and you cannot stop it?

“Who?”

I finally asked
She looked over to her husband and he dropped his head.

“Abike, who?!”

She dropped her head and said

“Kunle”

Tobias charged at him and almost got physical with him.
Abike jumped in between them.
I had to sit down and then she said

“Please don’t hate me.
But Kunle is the father”

I was stunned but confused

“Abike, what are you saying?”

She started to explain

“I have seen first hand your struggle to have a baby.
After I caught Tobias with the man, I confronted him and in there, he told me that he most likely would not be able to have children because his count was low.
I watched you cry and beg God for a child and I know how much you wanted one….

….So I asked Kunle. He was initially against it and he even got angry with me for suggesting it.
But I was able to convince him.
I knew you would never step out of your marriage and I figured Tobias was the problem. So Kunle eventually did it.”

I stood up and I was the one who charged at her.
Tobias and Lizzy grabbed me as I screamed

“What?!
You had your husband rape me?!”

“Noo… nooo…. I just thought that it would be better.
To keep it in the family. I was never going to say anything.
I just wanted you to be happy. I swear that I was never looking to hurt you. I thought I was helping.”

I looked over to Kunle and I asked

“Is this true?”

He nodded.
I really felt violated. Like someone tore open my insides and had it on display for the whole world to see.
Even though it was months later, I still felt like I had been robbed of a certain innocence.
Why?
Why was this happening to me?

What did I ever do to have my life so difficult?
I believe in God and I truly felt like I was doing the right things in life.
This was too much.
I spent my life helping people put their marriages together and here I was losing everything that I built.

I didn’t even know what to say anymore.
I stood up and walked out of the room. Lizzy followed closely.
As we entered the hallway, Abike, Tobias and Kunle followed me. I heard Abike say wait but I kept walking.
She said it again.

I stopped, and tearful I asked

“How?”

She didn’t answer. The hallway had nurses and people that had been listening to all that happened in the room.
I asked her again

“How?!”

She said

“A few times when you came over, I spiked your drink and you were out cold.
I promise, I wasn’t trying to hurt you!”

With heavy tears pouring out of my eyes, I said

“I pray you all rot in hell.”

…….

That afternoon was the last I saw of those three.
Lizzy and I soon came to Atlanta together as I continued treatment.

I remember on our flight from Lagos, I kept thinking of all the signs I missed again.
The waking up sore at Abike’s house or being told not to marry him but ignoring all warnings. I blamed myself.

I went against every counsel as a young woman because I thought I was in love.
Now I am not encouraging anyone to simply accept the advice of anyone that has something to say about your romantic life but certainly evaluate everything.

I felt a certain peace in my heart that Toby was now happy with whoever he wanted to be with and he didn’t have to continue looking over his shoulder.
Love should never feel like a prison.
I felt a new dawn coming for me.
I was very uncertain about how it would all play out but I knew that this time around, I would be directing my own movie- how I wanted to.

“Are you ready?”

Lizzy asked, I nodded and smiled yes.

They wheeled me into the OR shortly after.
The doctor looked at me and said

“Are you sure you want to go through with this?
With your situation, you may never be able to have children of your own”

I nodded and said

“I’m sure”

On July, 21st 2017, I aborted the 4 month pregnancy.

For about an hour that night, I sat down in the shower and I just cried.
I cried so hard.
My hair was falling out from all the chemotherapy and I was feeling weak.
No guilt from the decision I made because I felt it was the right one.
I was never going to bring a child into this world under those circumstances.
The last few months had been nothing short of a rollercoaster ride.

I stood up and dried myself off.
Walking into the living room, Lizzy was walking out of her room as well.
In her hand, she was holding a pregnancy test stick. She had pushed back her wedding after everything that happened to come to Atlanta with me.
She looked at me, I looked at the stick, we looked at each out and my heart warmed.
I walked over to her and hugged her tight.
I couldn’t sobbing as she did the same in my arms.
If this was full circle, I’m glad.
For as long as I lived, I would love that baby like it was mine.
To love, to cherish, to counsel, to adore; against every obstacle and every odd.

The End.

Pleaseeeeeeee leave me a comment and let me know how you felt about this part and the entire series. It means a lot!

Thank you for reading the Against Counsel series with me! I throughly enjoyed writing it for you all and I hope you enjoyed the ride with me. If you hate me for how the ending panned out, I AM HERE FOR IT~ 😊

Another series by The Wordsmith is already cooking! @adewus4real

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated.
Thanks for the love and support.

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© 2017 #WhatTheHeckMan

#WhatTheHeckMan · #WordsofWednesday · African · African Fiction · African Stories · Art · Bloggers · Drama · Fiction · Life · Stories · TheRants

Against Counsel – Part 3

Against Counsel
Part III

A cloud hovered over the home. There was a dreary silence that consumed the place.
It was palpable.
You could almost touch the discomfort around the house.
She barely said anything, my sister.
The evening dragged along, I couldn’t wait for the night to come.
I know my sister.
She is the type to not speak when she is upset or angry. Mostly out of the fear of being hurtful but this was different, she was hurt into silence.

We put the girls to sleep together. As we walked out of their room, she started to move faster, I lunged to grab her.
She shook off my reach and ran into her bedroom, slamming the door shut behind her.
She slid down behind the door and I could hear it.
Her tears.
My heart shattered.

“Abike, please open the door”

She didn’t respond.
I could hear her sobbing louder. Her husband approached the hallway but stood at a distance.

“Sis, I know you are upset. Please can we just talk?”

She sniffled and said

“go away! I don’t want to talk to you…”

I quickly quipped back

“I am not going anywhere until you open this door”

She went silent for a moment and then I heard her shuffle on the floor. The door opened.
I walked in and I turned to my left. There she sat on the floor, her back on the door.
She was crying.

I walked to the right of the room and sat on the bed.

“Abike, I am sorry.”

She looked up at me, almost like my words were a verified lie and said

“Sorry?
You kept all of this from me. Me????
Of all people! I come to you with everything!
Everything! I tell you all that is going on with me and my life and you keep this from me?!
And now you want to claim that you are sorry?!
How am I supposed to take that Adeola? How?!”

I was already crying when she stopped talking. I was trying to find the right words to explain everything but all I could come up with was

“I am sorry”

She stood up and said

“Stop saying that!”

I snapped and yelled as I got up

“What do you want me to say?!!!!
What do you fucking want me to say?!…. How was I supposed to pick up the phone and tell my little sister that my husband of almost a decade has been cheating on me with another man, or that I am dying?! Tell me how!

….I understand this is hard for you but come on!
I am the one who is dying here and it’s not even the cancer that has been killing me, it’s having to hide and put on a front that I am fine when I am clearly not. That’s the painful part. So cut me some slack….

 

…..I’ve lived this life and nothing to show for it. A wrecked home and I’m leaving the ones I love. Everything I worked hard for, I’m losing.”

I slumped back onto the bed and she walked up to me.
As she sat next to me on the bed, she placed her hands around me and said

“I’m sorry sis. I’m scared”

Tears down both our faces, as we leaned our heads into each other.
We just sobbed together.
Suddenly she stopped and she looked at me.
I turned my head to the right and looked at her. Both of us at eye level and then she said

“I don’t know how yet, but we are going to beat this thing”

All i could say in reply was

“Thank you”

……

I was babysitting the girls on a Saturday night while their parents attended a church event. I believe I was scrolling through Facebook – something I had done significantly less because it always reminded me of how much I didn’t have.

Wunola made a noise because her sister hit her arm. I quickly sprang up from my seat.
They quickly resolved the issue and as I sat back down, I realized that children were something I was not going to have.
There was already pain of not having children for so long. In a weird way, there was some relief.
Maybe I wasn’t meant to have children after all. Like it was all God’s plan.
Imagine a world where I had to leave a child behind?
I firmly believe that it would have hurt me even more than I was feeling in that moment.

I kept thinking about my life and my “legacy”.
For some, it is to leave a business behind that thrives and makes wealth for their children.
For some, it is to be impactful and be remembered for good things.
I think it was in that moment I really realized that there was more to do in life even without children and a husband.
I loved these little girls and I had done so much for myself already.
I looked down at them and I whispered to myself

“I’m going to beat this thing”

…..

The next morning, I was up very early.
Before everyone in the house. It was around 4am.
I was just staring at the ceiling and wondering how things could have been different.
Would it have been different if I had married someone else?
Stayed in the States?
Become a lawyer instead of a counselor?

Thoughts ran through my head.
I began to remember when Tobias and I were first picking baby names when I first thought I was pregnant.
This was two years into our marriage.
There was no way I could have seen all of this coming. Tobias was so excited. He was sure we would have girls and he would protect them.
You should have seen the way his face would light up as he painted a perfect future for our children.
I was in dreamland.
Now here I was trying to figure out if I had been played all along.

As preacher of “the signs are always there”, I felt like I had let myself down.
There was such guilt and disappointment in myself and my choices.
But then I remembered all the times I was being put down for not having children and how he held me up.
He was really there for me.
So how do you fake that?

 

I remember a night when we got into a heated fight.
It was about the fact that he went out with his boys and didn’t contact me for almost two days.
He explained that he just needed time. I started wondering why he would do that.
Was he already seeing that man then?
A part of me wanted answers, so I picked up my phone and I dialed out.
A sleepy Lizzy picked the phone on the other side.
I spoke as she muffled

“Hello”

My reply was short

“Let my clients know that I am back at work starting Monday”

She smiled and said

“Yes ma”

You are right, I changed my mind. The past didn’t deserve my energy.
The future needed all of what I had left, if I was going to beat this thing.

……

I returned to work the following week and I was crushing it.
My body was struggling to keep me up. I would randomly get weak but I couldn’t stop fighting.
Lizzy recommended treatment abroad and I was starting to consider going to stay with my cousin in Atlanta.

She drove me to my check up at the hospital.
As we were talking, I started to feel like myself in my mind but clearly not in my body.
The doctor came in and asked if I wanted Lizzy to be present as he shared the results, I told him I was fine with it.
He was about to read them to me, when we heard a knock on the door.

The door slowly opened and Abike and her husband peered into the room.
Smiles on their faces as they came in.

“What are you guys doing here?”

I asked as I kissed Abike on the cheek.
She smiled and said

“Uhh… we came to support you. Duh…”

I felt so warm inside.
The doctor, smiling, asked if I wanted him to come back to read the results, I told him no.
This was my family and my backbone.
As he again was about to start, he was interrupted. This time by Abike.
She said

“Sis, I know you are probably going to hate me for this but I think there is something you need to do before all this.
well someone you should speak to”

I rolled my eyes.
They ambushed me.
I was trying to be annoyed when the door opened and Tobias walked in with my favorite flowers.
I quickly said

“If you think a bouquet of flowers will do anything, then you are grossly mistaken”

He placed them on the bed and said

“Adeola, I am really sorry for all that has happened….

…I want to be here for you as much as I can. Please forgive me and give me the chance to fight this thing with you. Please…”

I looked up at him and said

“There is so much we need to talk about before any of that can happen and I can’t do that right now…

…Doc, please read the results. This is my ex-husband but this saves me the trip of explaining the updates to him”

Everyone in the room was quiet.
The doctor broke the awkward silence and said

“Well… from the last time you were here, we found some irregularities in the test.
That was why we had you come in again, so soon.
…Ummm from these tests that we just ran. We found out that you are 2 months pregnant.”

The entire room gasped.
My heart sunk. What was this going to mean?
What would happen to this unborn being?
I finally said

“Run the test again”

As I finished, he said

“I expected you to be shocked, which is why I had the test run three different times in our facility and one time in a neighboring facility.
Miss Adeola, you are pregnant. Congratulations”

The doctor excused himself and as the door shut behind him, I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me whole.
What a nightmare!
As I was trying to get back on track, life throws this at me again.

I looked around and everyone was in shock. No one was able to say a word.
A few seconds went by and then I looked up to Tobias and said

“I guess you’re going to be a daddy after all”

His face got sullen and he said

“I don’t think that’s what is going to happen here unfortunately”

I asked

“What do you mean?

He replied and said

“I am just being transparent thats all. That baby is not mine”

I got up from my seat and slapped him.

“How dare you?!”

I muttered to him.

“What do you mean this baby is not yours?

He said

“Because this is not my child. I got a vasectomy 5 years ago.
No way in hell that baby is mine”

The whole room froze and I felt my soul exit my body. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

Lizzy squealed and I asked

“Will you be here next week for the concluding part of this series?”

I hope to find you here. Don’t worry, catch your breath and I’ll meet you back here next week for the concluding part of this captivating series.
It’s WTHM and #SanmiSaturdays

Against Counsel – Part 3 by The Wordsmith @adewus4real

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#WhatTheHeckMan · #WordsofWednesday · African · African Fiction · African Stories · Art · Bloggers · Drama · Erotica · Fiction · Life · Nigerian Writers · Oakland · Poetry · Sex · Stories · TheRants

Against Counsel – Part 2

I just stood there, staring at them.
Motionless.
I wanted to move, but I couldn’t.
My therapist would later say it was due to the shock I felt and I have to agree.
How could he?
How could he stoop so low?
How could he do that me after everything?

My face was blank as he covered up himself up with the bed sheets.
He stretched out his hands and said,

“Babe, let me explain!”

I didn’t let him finish, instead, I turned to the left towards the man standing there.

Right then it struck me, I knew who he was!

As I turned to him, he ducked and tried to hide his face.

I moved closer to him and said,

“Turn the fuck around!”

He failed to move.

I walked up behind him and placed my hand on the back of his right shoulder and made him turn around.

I was right. I knew him, I just wasn’t sure where from.

I squinted while I looked at him and said,

“Where do I know you from?”

His head down and turned away. As he turned, it struck me.

My eyes grew big as I gasped,

“Aren’t you Susan’s brother?!”

He turned and bolted for his clothes. Susan was one of my employees and her brother had interned for me a few years prior.

I started laughing sarcastically as my husband approached me.

“You are such a dog!
Worse than the filth of this Earth! Oh my God!
How did I ever think to marry you?”

I headed for the door as he reached for me. His left arm touched me. I turned and screamed,

“DON’T FUCKING TOUCH ME!!!”

I stormed out of the room.

On my way out of the house, I stopped by the living room and grabbed my iPhone charger.
It wasn’t until after I had been held up in traffic and driving for about 10 minutes, that I began to I broke down.
Tears were streaming down my face, I felt broken.
Shattered.

I kept asking myself  two questions, “Why?” and “What will people think of me?”

I felt like my world was crumbling around me.
I was so lost in thought that I didn’t realize when traffic started moving. The car behind me honked, and I stepped on the gas a little too hard and I bumped into the car in front of me.

…..

I called my driver who I had just dismissed earlier when I stormed out of the house.
The person I hit was yelling at me hysterically. It made sense, especially since the car he was driving belonged to his boss.

I tried to calm him down but he wouldn’t stop yelling. Cars were squeezing around us to get through.
I just wanted to get out of there.

“Madam! I no know how you go do am but you must pay me o. My oga (boss) go kill me!!”, he hysterically wailed at me.

Frustrated, I took a deep sigh and asked,

“How much will be enough to cover this?”

He stopped and looked at me,

“Madam, me I no know o but you go pay for am.”

I turned to my driver and said,

“Adamu, go with him to the mechanic. I will call my assistant to meet you there. She will handle the bill once the car is fixed.”

He nodded and said,

“Madam, you sure sey you go dey okay?”

I nodded while waving him off. I turned to the driver of the car I hit and asked,

“That one go dey okay?”

He shyly nodded as his face was washed with relief.

They both jumped into the other car and headed off.
I returned to my car and headed for a nearby hotel that my husband and I frequently used on date nights.
I just needed some quiet so I could think.

As my back touched the bed, I curled up into a ball and it felt like my mind began doing a full highlight reel of my life with my husband.
Every situation and circumstance we had experienced. I couldn’t begin to understand what was going on.
My heart began to go through different phases. There was betrayal, then anger, then I felt guilt and embarrassment.

“Maybe this was my fault for not giving him children.”, I thought to myself.
But that would not explain him being with a man.

Another wave of tears came about, I had been with a man that was a liar and a fraud.
How could I have been so stupid?
I pretty much cried myself to sleep that night.

When I opened my eyes, it was 9am.
I was typically up before 5am on most days. I was clearly exhausted.

I had my clothes from my trip to Ghana, so I freshened up and decided that I would go about my day.
The one thing I was sure of was that if I stayed balled in, I would only think about my problems.
So I decided to immerse myself into my work, with the hopes of getting better.

I showed up at the office with my sunglasses on as I walked through the building.
No one was going to see the pain in my eyes.
I met with my first clients of the day, shortly after 11am.

They were a couple going through a divorce. A huge part of providing therapy for anyone is always being able to check your countertransference.
As they discussed their issues with me, I found myself doubting every word that came out of the man’s mouth.
I could just hear the words my husband said at our last session, coming out of his mouth like it was a voice over….

“I would never leave you for another woman…”

Carefully put by a bastard who had mastered playing the lines.
Yes, he did not leave me for a man but he thought it was okay to be with another man?

My mind had wandered and I snapped back into the present.
I don’t even remember giving any advice to that couple that day, I just wanted them to be honest with themselves.

I said to both of them, “This will only work if the two of you are truly and completely honest with each other.
Not even seeing me will help if the other is still holding back.”

That was the crux of what I said before I sent them on their way.
I was responding to emails when I heard a knock on the door.

“Come in.” ,I said in an even tone.
The door drifted open and I looked up. It was my husband.

Filled with disgust, I asked, “What are you doing here?”

He shut the door behind him and he got down on his knees as he said, “Please let me explain.”

I could not believe this man.

I stood up and yelled, “Explain what…?!
How you cheated on me with another man?
How you lied to my face in months of therapy?
How long have you been taking it up your ass? Huh…?! How long have you been exposing me to diseases and disrespect…? Tell me!
Is that what you came to explain…?

…we were supposed to be in this together. To prove the world wrong and show that true love perseveres.
Everything I preach and teach my clients is a lie! All because of you and your selfish ass.
I pray you rot in hell. I have nothing more to say to you.
Get out of my office!”

He stayed on the floor and just looked up at me for mercy.
Mercy didn’t live here.
I knew no mercy and I say this to you now, if I could, I would have killed him.

He stretched out his hands like a beggar in Ojodu and said, “Please find it in your heart to forgive me.”

Those words set me off.

“Forgive you?!
Forgive you???
No, I need to find a way to forgive myself for the mistake of marrying you. Since you won’t leave, I’ll leave for you.”

I grabbed my purse, car keys and made my way for the door.
As I approached him, he stood up and grabbed me.
Those strong arms that once protected me, felt like a prison I could not break free from.

“Let me go! Tobias, let me gooooo!
Let me go.. let me goo… let meeeee gooooo!!”

I broke down in tears in his arms as he held the back of my head.
I cried in his arms and he held on to me. A part of it felt familiar and also unclean.
A few moments passed and I pushed him off.
Teary eyes, I looked up to him and said, “You fucked me over. I never did anything to deserve this!”

I stormed out of my office and caught the eye of Lizzy, my assistant as I headed out.
I paused and said, “You can reach me on my cell for any urgent matters but please reschedule all my appointments for the week and help me look into a ticket to London for next week. Thanks.”

She forced a smile as I walked out.

Lizzy was a true confidant and as I headed out, I felt like I trusted her more than I trusted myself.

As I drove away, I selected the late Fela Anikulapo Kuti’s album “Gentleman”.
Windows down, shades on, tears streaming down my cheeks – I blasted one of the truly legendary albums ever released out of Africa.
Straight to my sister’s house, I went. I needed a lifting.
I needed my nieces.

……

Nobody was home when I arrived.
I parked on the side of the street and just sat on the front steps.
Gazing into the settling evening, I must have been sitting there for about 4 hours.

I heard their footsteps as they turned the corner, my nieces ran up to me and hugged me.
Their parents followed closely behind.
As my sister approached me, she said, “How long have you been sitting there?”

I smiled and lied, “Not too long. How are you guys?!”

I redirected my attention to my nieces. Off they went!

Chattering about their day and everything colorful within it. Bliss.
As we entered the living room, they headed to their rooms to finish their homework and then come out to play.

My sister and I sat down in the living room. Her husband turned on the television and flipped through the sports channels.

She turned and asked me point blank, “What is wrong?”

A part of me wanted to lie but I couldn’t anymore.

I dropped my head for a moment, took in a deep breath. I looked up and said, “Tobias has been cheating on me”

She gasped.

Her husband turned around and looked towards us. He stepped back from the television and came to sit next to me.

She gathered herself and said, “Sis, I am so sorry to hear that…
…Are you okay?
How did you find out…?”

I smiled and fought back tears as I said, “Let’s just say I found out.”

My sister patted my back and simultaneously rubbed it as she said, “You know you are always welcome to come and stay here with us.”

I nodded and replied, “That won’t be necessary. I am already staying somewhere.”

She knew better than to argue with me.

I gave them some more updates on my trip to Ghana and the last 12 hours of my day with him coming to my office.

As I wrapped up, I asked, “Where are the girls?”

My sister replied and said, “They are finishing up their homework. They should be done soon.
…In the meantime, can I get you anything to drink? Water, juice, wine, whiskey…?”

She motioned and smiled as she walked towards the kitchen.
I smiled at her trying to cheer me up and said, “Whiskey. On the rocks.”

“Alrighty! Babe, what about you?”,she asked her husband.

“A beer is okay babe.”

She disappeared into the kitchen.

As the kitchen door closed, her husband moved closer to me and said, “I am sorry Adeola. I can’t even begin to understand how hard this must be for you”

He paused and said,“This doesn’t change much for me though, I still think you need to tell him.”

I looked at him in confusion and said, “Why would I need to tell him that? Why would I even tell anyone that right now?”

He sighed and said, “I understand that it is hard for you but you have to tell him. You need to tell the people you love. They deserve to know.”

As those words sailed off, my sister was halfway into the room.

She said, “Tell us what.”

I looked up and saw the uncertainty written all over her face.

I looked at her husband, her and then sighed before saying, “I have stage IV ovarian cancer.”

Before I could finish my sentence, the glass in her hand dropped and shattered all over the floor.

At that very same moment, from the corner of my eye, I saw my nieces burst into the living room.

It all happened like it was in slow motion but the farthest from it, my life was a rollercoaster ride at it was about to fly off the tracks.

Be back here on Saturday 7-29-17 for Part 3 of this gripping series; Against Counsel

 

Against Counsel – Part 2 by The Wordsmith @adewus4real

Thanks for the love and support.
Stay up

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Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

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© 2017 #WhatTheHeckMan

 

#WhatTheHeckMan · #WordsofWednesday · Life · TheRants

I F*cked a Prostitute in Amsterdam

Burna’s Rock Your Body playing….

I am sitting next to an empty boat on the water in the middle of the Red Light District.
Let’s just start by saying I hate the use of the word “Prostitutes”. Sex workers is a much classier title.
It’s late. Four minutes to eleven.
There is an outdoor male toilet about 10feet to my left.
I wandered here.
On both sides of the water, there are probably about 400 people just doing people stuff.
We are all here for similar or different reasons, after all.

I’m in a mood.
You might know it.
Somewhere in between a huge meltdown and riding a wave of optimism.
I am on probably my most elaborate and exciting vacation in my life.
Taking in culture and experiences but something feels missing.

Everyone seems to think I should have the world at my feet. Recent MBA graduate, “talented writer”, host of growing show, handsome man who should be happy in love but I can’t seem to meet this guy they speak of.

 

Graduating recently came with a well-deserved lap of honor before my family and friends but reality soon set in.
I don’t know what to do next.
I am annoyed, tired and just mostly mehhhhh.

Being on the cusp of what next has me shook.
Because I am now asking “what next?”
I know what I want to happen next career wise- an opportunity that allows me to be of service while paying me what I am now worth with the debt AND let’s not forget education that I have now acquired.
I also want to start pushing this creativity thing.
I have started working on my book and I really want to take script writing classes. I want to bring life to some of the work I have done but also tell stories of real people.

Check out my current series Against Counsel here.

Kiss Daniel’s Sofa is blasting in my ears as I wonder why I love it so much.
Today, I visited the Anne Frank house in Amsterdam. I was moved to say the least.
Sometimes I wish I didn’t “feel” as much as I do.
But her story is unique and much like mine, it was living on the fear that it may never be told.

Anne and her Jewish family hid in an Annexe in Amsterdam from the Germans that invaded the Netherlands during World War II. She and her siblings never left that house for two years.
She wrote extensively in her diary which would later become one of the most read books around the world.

The thing about Anne that I resonated with was that she found courage even without understanding how it would turn out.
She kept writing.
I have so much so why do I keep holding out on myself.

I am sitting by the water because I could feel a horrible mood coming on.
I just walked out of my hotel and left a sleeping Itafe to come here.
Because I needed something, something I couldn’t give myself.
But the moment I opened the note app and started writing this, I felt a bit better.
I have no formal writing training and I think I am a horrible writer – I am definitely my own worst critic.
So why am I not seeing me?
The boat I was sitting next to and hoping to get on to take pictures is now drifting away. It must be the wind. Smh

Have you felt like you knew what step to take but you couldn’t?
Or you wanted to do more but you are unsure how?
Or everyone wants more of you but you have not the first clue how to start?
Sigh.
Join me and take a deep breath.
Let’s figure it out together, one line at a time.

Write out your next goal.
And what you need to do to get to it.
Now exhale.
Listen, you can do it.
Will it be easy? Hell the fuck no.
But you can do it.

As I get up to leave, one of the sex workers inside one of the Red windows, opens her door and says “hey cutie”.
I only heard her because I just turned of Bruno Mars singing “Chunky” in my ear.
I stopped and she said in what sounded like a Romanian accent

“Why you no smile baby?”

I smiled instantly and she said

“Enjoy your night”

I laugh as she does.
I turn around and notice that the boat I was sitting next to has now drifted right back to being right next to me.
I’m laughing as I write these final lines.
It’s an empty boat on sight but finessed right, it has all the necessary elements for a journey.
You ready? 😊

Please leave me a comment below. Thanks!

It’s #WordsOfWednesday by The Wordsmith @adewus4real
Stay up!

Part 2 of my current series “Against Counsel” will be out on 7.22.17

Follow @adewus4real

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

#WordsOfWednesday
© 2017 #WhatTheHeckMan

#WhatTheHeckMan · #WordsofWednesday · African · African Fiction · African Stories · Art · Bloggers · Drama · Erotica · Fiction · Life · Nigerian Writers · Oakland · Poetry · Sex · Stories · TheRants · Uncategorized

Against Counsel

 

“Mummy, buy groundnut?
Mummy, buy from me ma. It’s fresh one”

The little boy hawked his bottled ground nuts to me. I could see the desperation in his eyes.
This was his livelihood. He had to sell.
I so badly wanted to get him out of his reality but was that really my place?

“How much?

I asked

“tiri (three) hundred naira ma”

I handed him a thousand naira note.
He took a quick glance at it and then said

 

“Mummy, I no get change ma”

I smiled and said

“No worry. Keep am”

His face lit up and he almost jumped in place with shock written all over his face.
He tried to hand me the bottle of ground nut.
I said

“I no want”

He looked even more surprised and said

“But you just pay for am mummy..”

I nodded and said

“I know. But I no dey chop am”

He finally got it
He knelt down on the hot tar in Lagos traffic and thanked me

“God go bless you madam. Anything you day find, God go day bless you”

I smiled as I rolled up the window in the back of my car.
I looked up at the driver and the traffic still ahed of us.
This was the part I hated and loved about Lagos.
Moments like this in traffic, I could think and gather my thoughts but also get consumed by thoughts that I should avoid.

“Hello… aha aha! Can’t you hear me?”

I could hear my sister and best friend Abike speaking, through my headphones.
I replied

“Abike, why are you shouting?”

She hissed and said

“It’s your people in your family that are shouting”

We both laughed as I said

“I keep telling you I’m adopted. All of them in your family are not okay.
We are almost there sha”

She replied and said

“Okay. Jide just walked in with the kids sef.”

I smiled.
I was getting to see my babies.
My sister had two adorable little girls and I love them like they are mine.
They just bring me so much joy.

“I think we should be there in 10 minutes, I’ll call you when we are outside”

….

As I stepped out of the car, Wonuola (6) and Wuraola (4) both rushed towards my outstretched arms.
I gave them big hugs as their smiles lit up my world.
They just seemed so full of love and I needed that.
After long weeks and life draining all of what I had left, I would often stop by and just spend time with two people that saw me as a superhero.

Sitting in the living room, they ran rings around Jide and Abike. I loved every minute of it.
The two hours I spent with them made up for everything I had lost all week.
As I left, I gave Abike a hug and she handed me my gele (African Head Tie) and said

“Next week o!
I’ll come to the Island and we can go”

She was referring to a family friends birthday part that I was going to need the head tie for.
I hooped in the back of the car and my driver backed out of their house.

As we made our way to my next meeting, my mind raced.
Spending time with my nieces always reminded me of my own reality.
I am extremely happy for my sister in motherhood and watching my nieces fills me with so much joy.
But I always leave asking when will it be my turn.
I wanted to be a mother. I want to be a mother.
I’ve been married for 9 years and been waiting on God to bless my home with children.

 

I run my marriage counseling outfit and my husband is an engineer with one of the top firms in the country.
Money is not the problem but a 5 bedroom house feels empty very quickly when there is no one running through the halls.
I just celebrated my 36th birthday and I was subtly reminded that I didn’t have any children as people had to find sitters or some canceled because of children related obligations.
It’s a difficult reality.

 

I was very absent from the meeting.
Physically present but my mind was elsewhere. The meeting was just to finalize the budget for my company and get my signature.
30minutes later, I was walking out of the conference room and heading into my office.
My assistant closely followed me behind, she said

“Ma, we need to reschedule the Odufalu’s appointment”

I looked at her and said

“Schedule it and put it on my calendar. Okay?”

She nodded as I picked up some documents and headed out of the office.
Back into the car I went and on to the next stop.

…..

I snatched my purse and rushed out of the car. I was trying to be really quiet as I snuck into the waiting room.
My husband Tobias was sitting on his phone.
I sat next to him placing my purse on my lap as I said

“Sorry I’m late”

He was on a phone call but he smiled and leaned in to give me a kiss.
He ended the call a few seconds later and turned to me
He said

“How are they?”

I beamed and replied

“Beautiful as always”

as I pulled out my phone to show him a video I had taken of my nieces from earlier in the day.
We laughed together and then we got called in for our appointment.

Couples therapy.
As a therapist, I fought the idea for the longest time. I felt like it was a personal smear on my part and a sign of failure.
My husband is a good man.
The thoughtful kind.
The “I intentionally do just because shit for you” kind. A protector and a great listener.
But 9 years of childlessness can begin to take its toll. The pressures from both of our families began to weigh on us.
I went from being really vivacious and expressive to being reclusive.
He became the opposite, needing to step up and show up for me in the face of our families.
There was still a lot of love between us.
But something was missing.

 

“I just don’t always know how to talk to her anymore.
Like it feels like we recycle the same subjects that frustrate us. We want a child. But we can make one out of salt, can we?…

…I know she feels responsible and holds a lot of that on herself but I just wish she would know that I love her deeply and nothing can take that away.”

He finished as he looked over my way and the therapist turned to me to respond.
I sighed and rubbed my thighs before saying

“Yes, I do feel responsible.
I have sleepless nights and I see he is withdrawn and it scares me.
I know he loves me but we all have needs. I know he is about to be 40 and pictured being a dad years ago.
I daily feel a sense of guilt and I worry that one day, I might not be enough for him anymore.”

The therapist said

“Tobias, what do you have to say about how she feels?”

He turned to me and held my hand,

“Babe, you are one of the best things to ever happen to me.
I thank God for allowing you to say yes to me every day. I really really love you.
And I don’t want you t forget that. I know our communication has not been great lately but I guess that is why we are doing this together.
I can promise you that I will never leave you for any other woman and I will do my best to make sure our communication is much better”

I smiled and I could feel the honesty in his voice.
It was only our third session but I felt good about it as we walked out.
He pulled me in close and gave me a really big kiss.
I felt it in my spine. As I pulled away, I said

“You are lucky I am heading to the airport, otherwise, we would have for sure made a baby tonight”

He laughed and smacked my bum as I walked to my car.

“I love you”

I shouted across the way as I entered the car.
He turned and said

“I love you too…. Let me know when you get to Ghana”

……

One of my old clients, owned a school in Accra and she invited me to hold a talk for the girls at her school.
The talk was about women empowerment and being able to chase their dreams.

So that Saturday morning, we had a breakfast breakout sessions with the girls.
It was engaging and inspiring.
I felt like I was learning so much from these beautiful young women.
They spoke about their goals and dreams in a way that I hoped my nieces would, some day.

Some spoke about family pressures, the lack of representation in the fields they wanted to explore.
But I felt like I offered my story as an example of powering through and finding your voice.

I was feeling very good and while I was scheduled to stay in Accra till Monday morning, I was missing Tobias.
So on Sunday morning, I headed to the airport and luckily enough, I was able to get on a flight.
As I landed, I headed straight for the church. I was hoping to surprise my husband by joining him at church.
The second service was wrapping up when I got there but he was nowhere in sight.
I called his phone and no answer. I figured he was probably at home watching football and decided not to go to church because I wasn’t there to bother him into going.

 

As the Uber pulled into the driveway, his car was not there.
Mine was parked under the outdoor garage canopy, so I thought he must have headed out with his boys.
I opened the door and set down my suitcase at the foot of the stairway. I placed my purse next to it and kicked off my shoes.
Turning right, I headed into the kitchen when I poured myself a glass of wine. I could hear noises from our bedroom.
It was the television.
I remember chuckling and just thinking that this man was here ignoring my calls and watching football.

Hitting the landing upstairs, I heard my husband say

“Babe”

And I responded while opening the door

“Yes my King”

His eyes grew big and he said

“Shit!”

as he scrambled to get covered.
I asked

“Whats wrong babe?”

He couldn’t speak but he didn’t need to.
Seconds later, a butt-ass naked young man walked into the room with his semi hard penis dangling.
I felt my heart hit the bottom of my stomach.
My husband of 9 years with a naked man in my matrimonial bed.
WhatTheHeckMan!

Against Counsel by The Wordsmith @adewus4real

Thanks for the love and support.
Stay up

Follow @adewus4real

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

#SanmiSaturdays
© 2017 #WhatTheHeckMan