It’s Tuesday and I’m sitting in the airport cellphone lot of one of the cities I hate the most in this world.
I’m on my laptop, powering with my overheating phone.
It’s high heat in the afternoon.
There are tears streaking down my cheeks as I have therapy.
My heart is beating slow as I am in the lowest of lows, watching giant AirBuses fly over my head and landing behind me.
The session was almost over when a police officer pulled up and asked all the cars in the area to leave. Apparently, that was not the actual cell phone lot.
I feel like one of us must have thought it was and parked there, before others followed.
A part of me felt relief that the session was almost over when he pulled up but another part of me was relieved because I had poured out some of the heavy things on my heart.
As I left that session and into the city – I left with two main things she said She asked me how I felt fulfillment in my relationships/friendships and I said by “being there for the people I love in whatever capacity they need me” She replied and said “you only see your value that way because you don’t believe that you deserve love, so you focus more on giving it to others as a way of ensuring they never feel unloved but as a result, you don’t get said love”
The next thing she said was that I had done a poor job of writing down my daily affirmations.
She said a lot of the situations I find myself in are as a result of me not knowing my own self worth because if I did, I would never allow myself to be in those spaces/situations.
OMO x 1M.
She has been trying to work with me on seeing myself more and more. And loving me for me, not for what I bring to others or lack thereof.
The week would end with an anniversary, a Manchester United game, heartbreak in a hotel room along with a really raw session with God before he put me on stage.
Last week, I published my midyear review and there are things I shared in the post that resonated with some including myself and some things that triggered others again including myself. Some of you may know this but for as much content as I create, I typically do not go back to read them. I strongly feel like the rawest version of me is the first version y’all get. This version.
No need to review it in the short term. Sometimes I come back years later to review things because they show where I was and how far I had come.
But truthfully, I like to just share my words as they intersect with my life and encourage others.
This week, I have been auditing my spaces I occupy.
Have I been honest with myself? There was a time where I was deeply craving a type of love that I didn’t have that I wanted to find it in everyone. I wanted to find it in others, but the last 72ish hours have reminded me that I can only find it in God and then within myself. I have lied to myself a lot. Looking straight into the eyes of people and things, knowing they do not have the space/bandwidth/capacity/experience to either love me the way I wanted or give me things I need.
I have always found it hard to give up on people and things.
I usually struggle and make excuses for people for a long period of time while holding out hope. It’s hope that lifts but also hope that kills.
The easiest person to lie to is yourself.– The Wordsmith
Knowing myself early on, I can almost always tell when something won’t serve me.
Even when I don’t know directly, the Holy Spirit will plant it in my heart.
The grief, pain and heartbreak I have experienced has largely come from ignoring those messages and trying to forge ahead on my own understanding alone. It has always ended in tears. Just like it did in May or in the airport last week.
I am emotionally exhausted. From familial responsibilities to friendships to romance to career – I am tired.
I have nothing left in this current version of me.
I need to pull back and recharge.
But I need to come back stronger and with the understanding that there is only happiness in God and in following what he has for me.
The signs are always there, people.
We know when something isn’t right for us.
Or we aren’t right for something or someone.
But like me, many of us choose to lie to ourselves. We pacify ourselves with hope, only delaying the inevitable pain and sadness that often comes as the encore.
There is so much of my soul that has chipped away because I looked outside before looking inward.
Today, I urge you to have an honest conversation with yourself.
Just you and the facts. The facts of who you are, what you are, what you bring, what you need, what you can offer, what you can take and what telling yourself real truths will mean.
The last 4days have humbled me. I stood in front of dozens of people and worshipped with a heavy heart and battered soul. Dancing between my pain and my worry for the people I love.
Privately in my hotel room, I knelt down and worshipped in solemnity.
I didn’t know what the Holy Spirit was doing at the time but the way the following days have played out, it all makes sense now.
Many call me sunshine but I haven’t seen the sun in so long.
I am not depressed this time around. I thank God for that.
But I am cautiously reeling.
Feeling pain and still wading towards my purpose.
This second half of the year is about Sanmi – The First.
And Sanmi first. I won’t stop loving or giving or sharing my heart but I am no longer lying to myself.
There are words that won’t be said and chapters discontinued because my ink is out.
My therapist told me a few months ago to not connect myself worth to relationships or people.
Again, did I listen?
But it’s okay to know that something not working and it’s not because you are not enough.
Or because you are too much.
Sometimes it just is and that is okay.
It is what you do when you have that realization that makes you better.
My name is Sanmi and I am done. 🌹
Please comment, repost and share.
Thank you for your continued support.
You are highly appreciated.
#WhatTheHeckMan © 2023