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I Cheated. I Lied….So What?!

I Cheated. I Lied….So What?!

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11:54 pm Tuesday.
It wasn’t even on my radar to write a #WordsOfWednesday this week but God has a way of getting things out there.

I want to share some insight to someone out there. Hopefully, my story might teach someone a thing or two. I have an email to reply, but at this moment, this is heavy on my chest.
I was briefly talking to someone about 2016, she gleaned about how it was a great year for her, and I just smiled and nodded.
I hated 2016.
I hated the 2016 version of myself.
Here’s why.

I once told someone who I have known for a while who happened to be mad at me for writing about my life instead of sharing, that it is sometimes easier to talk to a stranger than to your kin.
I love sharing me with you all because well, it’s me.
I feel like I am finally back to the reason why I started this blog in the first place, to let my heart out.

I wrote last year about not loving on E but also not settling for less than…
So this is me…well the old version of me.
I liked talking to different women at once.
Truth? It was intoxicating.
One wouldn’t answer the phone, so I had another wanting to talk. One didn’t seem to care, 2 others were begging to show they cared.
It was nice to know that you would post a picture or something and 4 people will respond or things like that.
That was “cool”.
But the real reason was that it allowed me to stay ahead, see I would spread myself, parts of me across these women and prevent any of them truly being able to fully know me.
You were always close enough but never there.

Why you ask?
I hate to be cliche, but it was for fear of being hurt.
So never fully allowing yourself to open up.
Side effect? 4 eventually broken hearts. Or whatever the number was.
I fell in love with fear. It consumed me.
My birthday is coming up and I’m deciding between having a dinner or going to do something solo.
I have started reflecting. My words for 2017 are “Peace, Happiness, Purpose and Impact.”
I do not want to end this year with nothing to show for it. My purpose will be actualized, and subsequently, my impact will be felt.

12:06am
So why did I tell you about myself before? 2 reasons.
I was talking to my beautiful mother, who was advising me on love and relationships.
I was telling her of the “deadweight” I dropped last year and what not.
She laughed.
She said “they weren’t deadweight. You just picked bags that weren’t yours to carry.”
I was stunned.

Imagine yourself waiting at baggage claim after a flight. The bags start filing out, and you grab one that looks like yours off the conveyor belt. As you set it down, before you even realize its not your bag, someone comes over and takes it from you.
It’s their bag. You look down and realize its really theirs but you have now expended effort in carrying it off the belt, but it’s not yours.

That was what I did the most of in 2016.
I met someone at the end of 2015, I just wanted to be friends, and we got close very fast.
She is amazing in her own way. Personality wise, we might not see eye to eye, but I know she comes from a good place.
Eventually, she told me she had feelings for me. Now because I was so set in my ways, I refused.
I wouldn’t budge.
The more she tried to love me, the more I pushed back. Till we broke.
I found that because I didn’t love myself at the time, the “love” the person(s) had to give was just annoying to me.
So I fought back.
But I would always circle back to the question that troubled me, “why me?”

I was barely showing my real self to anyone, so why would you love me?
Why?
I hypothesized. Maybe they wanted the facade or the man they thought they knew.
The thing that hurt the most about the man I was in that time, I neglected the ones I actually loved.
My friend Ninz for example. This is a public and unsolicited apology to her
But that woman has been a rock for a nigga in some troubling times.
Annoying as she is, she is just flat out amazing.
Never told her enough.
But I was so distracted by carrying others peoples bags that I didn’t know when the bottom fell out on hers and those of others around me like Bola and Ifeanyi.

2014-2015; I was a bleeding man.
So concerned with staying ahead of the curve, I would never allow myself to feel too much.
And even when I felt, I felt for broken people who I could patch up instead of fixing myself.
But towards the end of 2016, as I came out of my surgery, I realized that what I mostly needed was me and a stronger relationship with God.
I was worshipping and being functional with him, but I was losing myself.

When you are not ready for love someone has to give you, everything they do will be annoying and overbearing.
You will find it hard to call or text.
And when they complain you will want to pull your hair out.
Listen y’all I fucked up some in 2016.

There a few people that I wish I dug deeper and called a bit more.
Asked about their well being or even listened a bit more.
But here is the catch, you can’t do that for everyone.
So the ones that are truly your friends are the ones that deserve that treatment.
Some people have walked out of my life right now, and while I miss the times we shared, I don’t miss them.
Why?
Because they never brought anything to me anyways. Doesn’t make them horrible people but its the truth.
I urge you. Do not be primarily a taker/receiver and do not be just a giver.
Find a balance.

I pray that I have the grace to continue to give without expecting anything. Pay it forward.
You will not please everyone, and you will keep everyone.
But do not lose the core of your team, trying to please the players on another team.
In some cases, less is more.
Be responsible for you also.
If someone is giving, you love that you know you don’t want, RUN.
Of if you mind is trying to tell you to save someone, RUN.

Sometimes the person that needs saving the most in that time is you.
Don’t waste time tweeting “Don’t settle for this or that. Or you deserve this or that.”
If you are still doing that, you are dwelling on the old, and you need to let that shit GO.
Nnenna used to say, she hated the fact that I allowed people that I would not invite to my family home, claim to know me.
I finally understand what she meant.
Trying to save the passengers that were never meant to go the full ride, I crashed the ship.

I like where I am in 2017.
Fewer people to worry about, focused on goals and making changes that are needed.
There is only one person, I am focusing on now, and I love it.
But also my happiness is the priority.
I have a few friends and a lot of people that love me.
My goal is to not lose sight of them. I cheated on them and on myself.

Punishing myself with temporary pleasures and short-lived highs.
When I have people that love me unconditionally that I can build lasting forevers with.
To everyone that tried to love me when I didn’t want to be loved, thank you!
I truly mean it.
And I am sorry it took me so long to appreciate it.
To the ones that have loved me and wondered who or where I was, I’m back!
Scarred and broken but better.
So here is my love and my heart to my friends, my loved ones and to you all that read, COMMENT and support. Thank you.
2017 is ours.
We grow, we learn, we thrive.
I cheated…on me…but we gon be alright!

It’s #WordsOfWednesday by The Wordsmith @adewus4real
Stay up!

My New Series will be out on 2.4.17
Please watch this space! It will be fire! My best work yet. I PROMISE YOU!

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Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

#WordsOfWednesday
© 2017 #WhatTheHeckMan

19 thoughts on “I Cheated. I Lied….So What?!

  1. Finally!!!!! Such an HONEST piece. I’m really proud of you for stepping back into your TRUTH, Sanmi. I understand where you’re coming from. I’ve been that person in the past that didn’t realize I was pushing people away because I didn’t love myself enough. It’s still a learning process but I didn’t want to hurt others just because I felt hurt. I fear the consequences that come along with taking people for granted. You’re reaching a breakthrough. You’re holding yourself accountable. A lot of growth and joy will stem from that. You’ve truly inspired me to take on this New Year with a bold attitude.
    Thank you.
    I appreciate you for simply being you and finding your voice through words again. Means a lot.

    Like

    1. Hi Faith, Bless you truly!
      It is a true process, it took a lot to be this honest with myself. And recognize the side effects of me not loving myself enough. I like where I am now and I thank God for the journey.
      I wish you too a fantastic and rewarding 2017. We deserve it!
      Stay blessed and THANK YOU FOR COMMENTING. You made my day! ❤️

      Like

  2. I really like your writing style, its a thought provoking piece that actually kept me reading till the end (normally I would scan the text and move on if I think its too long) an interesting insight into the male mind. You should read my post called the Masculine Challenge, it might give the woman who are fighting for your heart an option to decide not to be mishandled luggage lol.

    Like

  3. Thank you for this, honestly this how I feel at the moment and part of last year, hopefully I’ll get the courage to love me and find that peace of mind.

    Like

    1. It’s so necessary fam. Like no one will give it to you. Trying to fix someone, or find it in another will never truly hold.
      I wish I had taken a shorter route to this point but I am so glad, I am here now.
      Everyday feels like an opportunity to thrive and be better and I love it.

      Thanks for reading and stopping by. Come back for some amazing stories!

      Like

  4. You’re constantly self reflecting with the aim of improving yourself and not ashamed to admit your faults and weakness to yourself and to others, that counts for a lot. It’ll be worth it when you find the balance between being happy, not cheating on your self and giving love to the ones you love, till then one day at a time…

    Like

  5. This is the best post on here yet, kudos on finally being honest with yourself. 2016 was the year of realising, 2017 is the year of acting on what was realised. I’m proud of you S. ❤

    Like

  6. This is amazing and thank you for being soooo transparent and sharing your truth!!!! Like you, I also learned lots of lessons in 2016. As hurtful and numbing as they were, they were ones that needed to be learned in order to be better for my future. So I can’t help but to be thankful for them. After releasing your former truth you are now able to walk and live your best life. I wish you nothing but peace and continued blessings!!!!!

    Like

    1. Honestly, it is a gradual process. One that you cannot force. Just patiently allowing things to develop but consciously reminding yourself everyday that you are worth it all. That you deserve it. To love yourself and be truly happy.
      If you are religious, pray.
      If you are not, find the comfort in the things that you love and build on them. Slowly you will build your foundation and make your way towards true happiness.

      Like

  7. Thank you for this, on some level I can relate and on another level I have been on the receiving end. I am trying not to claim baggages that are not mine also. Tbvvh, I love the truth in this piece. Thank you

    Like

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