It is 7:03pm.
I just walked into the house. I flicked on the lights with my right hand, turned to my left and headed into the hallway. There, I turned on the heater and set my knee brace down in my room.
I wonder where my ring is. I usually wear it on the middle finger of my right hand but I haven’t been able to find it for about two days now.
Oh well.
Sooo… now I am sitting on the floor of my living room. The heater is blowing too loud to my left.
My feet are crossed.
The next words are being typed and here we are.
Something I have enjoyed about writing is it allows me to talk , spill my heart even when my mouth is shut.
Christmas is in a few days and I don’t feel the spirit nor do I feel festive but it will be nice to have a long weekend.
Every year for the last few years, I have sat down and written who and what I have been thankful for.
This year was harder.
I wrote about most of it in my last piece but I think I finally realized what I was thankful for.
By losing so much, I realized how much I gained.
There is a similar feeling I have right now, to the one I had at the end of last year.
So yes, I have told myself, that I let myself down.
But I realized, you don’t have to please anybody but your family and God.
Truly.
I spent so much time trying to be politically correct and “right” for folks that won’t deserve it.
Also, realizing that you are all you’ve got. At the end of the day, when the chips are down, all you really need is you.
So 2017 is about getting better with self, purpose, art and God.
Focus and channel your strength into all those things.
One thing I realized was that, intentionally or unintentionally, the things I channeled the most effort into are the things I succeeded at this year.
Keep your circle small. Keep your head down. And just be the best you.
Those goals you have lined out for 2017, chase those harder than anything out there.
Pray about them. Chase them. Pursue those goals.
2016, I am thankful for painful lessons.
I tried to love this year. I did.
Infant, I might have loved or at least what felt like it.
Truth is this, if you are not totally ready in 2017 and beyond, stay single. Tattoo it to your forehead and enjoy your time.
If you are not filled up, you will have nothing to give.
Ultimately you will hurt yourself and those you might even have intentions of loving.
Be true to you.
Protect your peace.
Cherish your happiness.
Do your best to show the people you genuinely love AND those that truly LOVE YOU, the best care you can.
Never give up on yourself. Even when others give up on you.
Cry if you have to and then get up.
It is okay to be alone, as long as you are happy and fulfilled.
Stress should be a thing of the past.
Do not deal with folks that hover for chaos.
Let your passions and purpose direct your path.
I know this piece is a bit all over the the place but it’s reflective of my mood right now.
2016. What a bloody wawuuuuu….
Parents
Thank you for always reminding me that I have you and I have God.
My mom would always redirect it back to place of safety in Christ. It was so hard to admit to her that I felt like I lost a bit of my way but truly grateful for the unconditional love parents show.
Ninzlo
There is a gift of foresight that God has given you. It is amazing.
So many times this year, you could have justifiably said
“Sanmi, I told you” or “I warned you”
I know you sometimes desperately want to but thank you for not.
Thank you for being a listening ear for holding me up. Praying for and with me.
Standing by me even when I have doubted my art, my truth, myself.
You are real one and I pray for a bigger 2017 for you.
It’s already loading anyways. Baba God no dey sleep! But you are still very annoying!
BeingBola
Man, so much of this year, you were everything. The aftermath of the fire.
When I felt depression creeping back in, even when I couldn’t verbalize. The thankless things you did. The morning voice notes of prayer.
When you would fight for me and pull me up.
This one is hard because of where things are now. But I trust God and I trust his word.
I pray for a better 2017 for you. And I pray he truly grants all your hearts desires. And I pray you find love.
And someone that you will feel safe to let go. And someone that will never give up on you.
Echeme
You are like a silent pillar.
2016, you were a bit scarce. More than you have been in recent years. A lot happened for you too but life in general was a challenge that we overcome. I always feel a sense of warmth and grounding when I talk to you.
We haven’t had one of those “hit your core” talks in a min. Now you ran and went to Nigeria. Useless.
I am happy for you and your love. It reminds me of a time and now inspires me back to a place I once knew.
Thanks brother.
AyoB
Man!
There is a level of vulnerability that came with meeting you and beginning to know you.
You are truly a gift. Somehow you have your way. The way you challenge me, I don’t get to slouch or have the easy route. I truly appreciate that.
And you steady giving them!
You have brought so much light to my path this year and I pray the same for you in 2017. Thank you so much.
Itafe
Yoooooooooooooooo. Where would I be without you?
You are just a pleasure in my life. A true definition of a brother.
A blessing.
You make me laugh effortlessly and you ALWAYS put a smile on my face.
Your advice, your humility and your honesty is so refreshing. You are truly one of the good guys.
And I am thankful for you. Like gahhh.. aint gonna cry but I love you bro.
D-O
I don’t think you have decided if you want to stay in my life and stop stressing me out or stay and keep stressing me out. Lol
But make up your damn mind!
Me I don tire o.
You were an unlikely confidant, one that I would sometimes even forget to thank but you have been truly amazing. Thank you for all of the times you weren’t fighting me lol
Mallamsawyer
There is an energy you bring. Genuineness in interactions that I admire.
You make people around you feel really good. And that is what I aspire to be always. We met on July 2nd and every interaction I have had with you since then has been positive. You might not even have realized it.
So thank you for your telling mark. It has been a blessing.
And to everyone new that I have met that is becoming more important in my life as the days go by, I appreciate you all. OO, TJ, Pepe, Jua,
For a long time, I spent 2016 trying to feel sorry for the things I lost but I had to become thankful for so much more.
For lessons, perspective, growth and the love of those that matter.
You won’t believe that it can get better but it does.
it really does.
Let thanksgiving never depart from your mouth.
There will be tears of overwhelm and of joy. But amongst all things, give thanks!
There is so much to look forward to in 2017!
No jokes!
I will be back to giving you monthly series. #TheRants will only be more impactful.
The book will finally come out. And that web series is definitely being worked on.
So trust me when I say 2017 is mine. It’s ours.
Its for #TheRants. Its for positive and powerful people.
It is for #WhatTheHeckMan
Check out my weekend offering. I will be releasing a one part story this Saturday. See the flyer below.
Till next time ladies and gentlemen! Bless Up! 7:38pm
Black Friday. Cyber Monday. Christmas Shopping. Annual Evals.
Resolution Review…
Time to balance the books…
Time to balance the books. It’s a #WhatTheHeckMan audit. So what’s ha’nning?
The end of the year often brings about reflection. Unwanted or preplanned, you find folks taking the time out to recollect and recount the year that has just gone by.
We find boxes to put things in.
Think of it like sorting through a giant box of undated photographs and trying to create albums that you then stuff under your bed or away in the hallway closet.
So here I am reflecting on what the year brought along with it.
Light It Up!
March 6th, 2016.
I remember sitting that evening by the water fountain and repeatedly saying
“The Devil is a liar”
I had a fantastic day that day before that moment. I gave a testimony at church, led worship and felt very lifted to be honest.
The Friday before that, I had gotten a promotion at my job.
I was so happy.
So when majority of my apartment went up in flames, I knew it was the devil trying to steal my joy.
I think I was in shock for the most part. I didn’t cry immediately.
I was in shock.
The following weeks were crazy.
The support and love from some people was amazing. It showed me the kinds of people I had in my corner.
Some were mad at me that they found out about the fire on social media and some were rallying around to support me.
Sleeping out of my house and trying to figure out how much I lost, I learned a lot in that time.
I truly thought I lost everything but something that truly stuck with me was the value in the people I loved.
They stayed close.
So in 2017, I plan to be a better friend and partner in 2017 to those that truly deserve it.
FriENDS.
Over the year, I battled.
Trying so hard to hold on to things. Picture walking into the groceries store and only needing one item but you stretch out your arms and fill them up with things you realize that you need.
But what happens now is that you’re carrying a lot, too much sometimes.
How I was in 2016 was like when you get home from the grocery store and you want to only make one trip from the car to the house.
So you are carrying twenty bags like your life depends on it. Your hands are hurting but you gotta only make one trip!
And then you end up in the house and realize you forgot one bag in the trunk! That one bag can be that really good friend that you ignored or forgot about this year.
I have a couple of those.
but this was also the year I said “Fuck Your Friendship” and meant it.
It was the year I got tired of glorified interactions. People you only interact with on a surface level that you give undeserving titles, like friends.
NOT EVERYBODY YOU CALL YOUR FRIEND IS YOUR FRIEND.
It was the year I realized that some people claim to be your friends off past experience.
And not merit.
Respect is earned, given and maintained.
EVERYDAY.
The people that care about you. Shouldn’t have to tell you everyday, but you shouldn’t doubt that they do either.
It was an eye opening year in that regard.
Be wary of friends that only want to talk to you about life when they hear “bad” things about you.
“Oh, I heard this today and I just wanted to come and talk to you first, because you know, you are my friend”
🙄
But the last time you spoke was 3weeks ago and it was because they heard something then too. Lol.
Now I’m not saying you have to be babied by your “friends” daily but you yourself, check yourself. If the only time you contacting someone is to talk about bad things, you might need to realign the kind of friend you are.
Friendships ended.
But if a friendship ends and the person is now out in the street dragging you at every chance they get, you have to tell yourself “Na me fuck up” for thinking you had sense to begin with.
There were some I literally said “fuck you” to, while knowing they were listening in.
Drop dead weight relationships or interactions. Sometimes we hold on to people because we are afraid of what our lives will look like without them but they are not even bringing anything to yours.
Don’t play yourself.
Only keep people that invest in you as often as you do them. No time for credit advance relationships. #TheRants
What a blessing!
To have an outlet to create, explore and just share community with others.
I was/am/will be truly grateful for this year and the depths my show reached.
I bless God.
And I plan to work hard to bring better and bigger shows to those that love and support me. Financial Responsibility
As I write this right now, my checking account is in negative $496.
I was out of work all of November and disability still aint come from post surgery.
So all my bills have hit, money long gone and savings vanished.
Nigeria on the horizon for many and I just dey here they pray.
I don’t say that for sympathy or whatever. Trust me, as much as I have many responsibilities as a first born, I was also financially irresponsible at certain times this year.
So I gotta do better for me and those relying on me.
You don’t realize who and what you are spending your hard earned money on, till the end of the road and you are looking back like what?!
LOL.
2017, I need to save better and have more residual income.
So if it aint making money, cut ittttttt.
God
Man.
I let God down so much this year.
It’s insane.
“As much as it your responsibility to not bring shame to your family name, you shouldn’t bring reproach to God’s name.”
If someone insults God because of who you are, you are somewhat liable.
People are tired of reading the bible. They read you.
So when things go sour, they use you or your life to reflect God.
Someone called me a fake Christian this year. Mutilple times.
Essentially highlight that I displayed certain behaviors that would make God unhappy with me. And they were right.
So we have to be careful.
Even though some of the behaviors involved the person, it was still hugely damning to hear them say you are less of a child of God.
You can sin with an “unbeliever” but when they want to point the finger, you’re the one with a father to answer to.
Remember that.
I didn’t read my bible enough this year.
I was so distracted yo.
Focusing on people and pleasures that didn’t keep me filled.
And I gotta do better.
Starting today and through 2017, I will make a conscious effort to spend more alone time with God. Vibes
I was just telling my cousin how much Mr Eazi has allowed people to over use this word in 2016.
But you truly have to just enjoy vibes. Positive vibes.
Have people with positive energy around them.
You really gotta look at certain people from afar and watch the aura around them.
Even I brought on negative vibes in certain area of my life this year. And I had to check myself.
So surround yourself with positive and optimistic people that want to see you win at all costs.
People that will lift you up.
Do away with glorified “besties” and sometimes allow yourself to just be.
Here are some of the things I learned in 2016
1. It will be okay. As long as God sits on the throne, you will be fine.
2. Be thankful in all things.
3. Letting people go is just the beginning. You will not die
4. Love Yourself more than anything else. It radiates
5. You will make mistakes. Learn from them but learn more from others, so people don’t use you as a textbook.
6. Forgive yourself
7. Follow your passion. Discover your purpose.
8. Never settle for mediocrity.
9. Dare to be different. Like push the envelope
10. Demand the love and support you want and deserve.
11. Be accountable for your actions.
12. Your intent is not always enough. Your impact matters more.
13. believe in you and your heart. if you have a good heart, it will win. Eventually.
14. Save money
15. Travel and see the world
16. Allow yourself the space to be vulnerable.
17. Remember you are not an island but you are also strong enough to stand alone.
18. You cannot do anything without God.
#WhatTheHeckMan family, I adore you all. Thank you for being with me.
Thank you for allowing me to speak my truth and holding me up.
One thing I will ask each and everyone of you reading this is to hold me more accountable in 2017.
I am consumed by trying to be a better man. I want to be the best version of myself.
So if you catch me slipping, even if you don’t know me that well, please speak up.
I hope we all see the end of 2017 in divine joy, health, peace, happiness, prosperity and direction.
2017 will be great for you and me.
Say it into existence.
Thank you for being there for me.
I appreciate you. I bless God for you.
Till next time, ladies and gentlemen, it is the Wordsmith with the #WordsOfWednesday on WhatTheHeckMan.
Stay Up and Be Blessed.
Comment below and share with me, one thing you have learned in 2016 and one thing you will be better at in 2017.
Till next time, ladies and gentlemen, it is the Wordsmith with the #WordsOfWednesday on WhatTheHeckMan.
As I pulled the headphones out of my ears, I sighed.
Right as I write this, I am swimming in a mixture of emotions.
Anger, frustration, resentment, exhaustion and overall, emptiness.
The last few weeks have been defining and structurally important. It’s been a minute since we had a very real and honest “WordsOfWednesday”.
In this message, as always, I know I’ll be indirectly speaking to myself about a couple of things but who is a man without constant reflection?
So back to the last few weeks.
As we entered 2016, I was so desperate to not be where I am right now. Feeling what I feel right now.
The only difference between last year and now, I am not taking the full burden for said feelings.
I have historically been the person that would cower in emotion and blame myself for everything that has gone wrong.
No more.
Think of it like a box of donuts at work while you are on a diet.
Everyone claims they don’t want to touch it but they do, but you just walk there, take your donut and leave. When you get home, you cry tears of high fructose.
For sometime now, I thought I was broken.
Like people would tell me, “Sanmi, you’re not the man I used to know” and to some extent I agree. But I also challenge that notion.
“Why do I have to be who you want me to be? Or why do I have to be stagnant?”
I have been called “meaner, harder, less patient”… amongst others but I am thankful for all of it.
Back to those headphones, I pulled them out and I had just finished listening to voice note from a friend.
In this voice note, she spoke about all the things I didn’t do for her. How I was selfish and things.
(Back story: we had an argument last night and I snapped. Like all of the last two/three weeks came rushing out)
It brings me back to this concept of love and loving yourself.
See love is weird in the sense that it is not something from a bottomless well. You give it, you receive it.
Not in the same doses but it’s give AND take.
If you spent all your time giving love and never receiving it, you would eventually run low or run out.
And then begin to resent the people who are demanding it from you.
Emotionally, I have been running on E, for a while now.
And the man I used to be, would lie and pretend to make everyone else happy. But I cant anymore.
Like I physically cannot bring myself to lie.
Certain messages come across my phone and I become physically tired. Like tired like I just finished getting a beatdown…tired.
It’s not there.
See its not that I don’t love these people, I just am expending so much of myself in different ways that pressuring me to give what I don’t necessarily have enough off, is frustrating.
Imagine wanting a movie from the local Blockbuster store, they are showing it as “in store”. But everytime you come to the store, they tell you they don’t have it.
So why are you showing it online????
My bestfriend (who is currently not talking to me, totally related to this) called me out on it.
“Sanmi, you give just enough of yourself to draw someone in but then you close up and people are left wondering what happened or what they did wrong”
I miss the old me.
The super sweet, everyone should be forgiven me but even at that point, my ex still left me. So I obviously wasn’t as good as I thought right?
The truth is, I was trying then.
Even when I failed, I was trying. Trying to be better
I think I am finally getting back to that guy after almost two years but not for people who don’t contribute.
I have been angry for a while.
At a lot of people and for someone who writes. Calls himself “The Wordsmith”, I don’t do enough talking.
Me snapping two nights ago was out of character. Takes a lot to get me there but I am tired.
Its like I have been trying to be this thing. This person for people when I should have been filling myself up (shut up Bola)
I was already empty but here I was giving more and more.
It is so funny, you can read a birthday card from a friend and it will say stuff like “Thank you for being there for me, you taught me so much”
But once you fight?
“You never gave me anything or matched my intensity”
My point truly is, stay.
Love is great but it is not to be used like a limitless card.
See when I was giving myself years ago, I wasn’t necessarily filling up on the love from the relationship but I was filling up on God’s love.
I would sing and be happy, pray and be safe. Even though in my relationship, I was hurting.
Now, I haven’t done enough refilling.
And people have been demanding. IT’s not even like they are asking for too much.
“Reply my text, check on me”
Basic shit really but I am so spent.
My hours and days are filled with thinking about things that are so present in my world.
That sometimes the extra stuff is too much.
Sometimes I think I allowed myself to drag on baggage, I should have dropped. So I was driving around, pulling myself down.
It’s not a crime to let go sometimes.
And if God is moving things away, let him!
Love is not enough. By itself, its not enough.
It requires much more.
You can have the love but in the wrong frame of mind, time of life, to the wrong person, it will not come across.
Don’t be like me.
Thinking you are macho in healing and giving. Stop and refill.
Driving your heart on E will cause the care to explode.
Park.
Think.
Cry.
Heal.
Refill.
Then drive into your next adventure with a clear mind.
I am probably going to cry after this because its been coming.
But I hope you learned something from all of this.
2016 has been a rollercoaster for a variety of reasons, but your heart should not be drained when it needs to be filled.
Don’t lov on E.
It will only leave you filled with resentment and still Empty.
Till next time,
Open and honest…
Standing over the kitchen sink and looking outside the window into the small backyard of the condo, my head was spinning.
Why was this my luck?
Why couldn’t I just fall for a man who would treat me right and not come with added stress?
You know when you are consumed by so much anger and youwant to cry it out?
Like shed the tears before you act and do something you would regret.
I am not sure how long I had been standing there but I heard Tabitha walk into the room.
She said
“Bella, is everything okay?”
I smiled and tried to play it off but in my mind, I was
“asking how in the hell could everything be okay?!
You just sprung a baby on me!!!!”
“How are you ma?
How was your trip?”
I deflected.
She smiled and walked up to. Complete disregard for personal space.
She stood a mere two fee away from me and said
“I see you trying to be strong and thats commendable. It is okay to be angry or disappointed.”
There was a sudden comfort in knowing she understood what I was feeling. She continued and said
“From what I am gathering, you didn’t know that Darrell had a child?..”
I nodded.
She then smiled and said
“If it is any consolation. Neither did he.
He doesn’t even know yet. So it is up to us, you and I, to figure out how to break it to him”
Suddenly, I didn’t feel like the focal point.
It wasn’t about me.
This man didn’t even know that he had fathered a child out in the world. He was only a few hours away from returning home and I had to figure out how to tell him that he would be a daddy…to two children.
….
“So Tabitha (she insisted I call her that), how do you know that it is Darrell’s and who is the mother?’
She sipped from her tea and set it on the coaster.
She leaned back in her seat and started
“I came back from a funeral about 3days ago. I was in the shower when I heard a knock on the door.
It took me a few minutes to make it out but when I did, there was no one at the door. Just this beautiful baby boy.
I could tell he was Darrell’s just from how draw I was to him. His eyes.
There was a birth certificate in the car seat and it was signed by Darrell’s ex wife but had his name listed as the father.
I pondered on what do but there was no way in hell that I was going to tell him that kind of information over the phone.
So I spoke to my pastor and booked a flight. And here we are.
I tried to contact her but she did not answer. She and Darrell never had a bad divorce, so I don’t know why she did this but here we are”
She sighed and picked up her tea again while she glanced over to the baby peacefully sleeping on the couch. He was beautiful.
Tucked behind a wall of pillows, he was just safe.
“How old is he?”
I asked.
“7 months.”
She replied
“His name is Devon”
I sat back in my chair and rested on my right side while my left hand rubbed my bulging stomach.
“I don’t know what to do Ms. Tabitha. I don’t know how to tell Darrell.
This is a lot”
She smiled and said
“There is nothing we cannot conquer under the sun. Besides, that is why I am here.
You will not be doing this alone”
I will be here with you”
There truly was something comforting about her. I knew there was a reason her son was so amazing.
She smiled and sipped from her tea again and then placed the cup down.
…..
I was talking to my cousin on the phone up in our bedroom when I heard Darrell’s car pull up in the driveway.
My heart started to beat really fast.
I remember glancing at my Fitbit on my left wrist and exhaling.
Heading down the stairs, I caught a glimpse of Ms. Tabitha.
She was standing by the front door.
She smiled as I approached and she stretched out her right hand and squeezed my left hand.
I was nervous.
The door opened and Darrell stood shocked in the doorway.
It was as if he couldn’t believe that his mother was standing there.
She moved closed to him and opened her arms.
He leaned in and took in her hug.
“Mom, what are you doing here?”
She smiled and said
“I came to see my son”
as she patted him on his cheek.
He placed his bag by the bookshelf to the right of the door and kissed me on the lips as he said
“Hey baby”
I forced a smile and he caught it.
He said
“Whats wrong babe?”
Before I could respond, his mom said
“D, come sit down. I need to talk to you”
He looked at me with a slight frown and said
“Okay…”
as he took his seat on the couch.
I sat on the loveseat closest to his mother as she started talking.
“So a few days ago, it came to my attention that you have a son.
You ex wife dropped him off at my home and here I am…
There is a lot more to the story but I am sure you know it better than either one of us.
The child is here with me because I wanted you to know and meet him. I can fully step up and raise him like I did you.
I totally understand wanting to start afresh with Bella. But I wanted to make sure I let you know”
Darrell looked stunned.
It took him a moment to process and then he said
“So she lied when she said she miscarried…
Wow”
I wanted to get up and go to him but I also knew that he needed space.
He looked like he was angry and shocked at the same time.
But true to character, he took a deep breath and said
“Where is my son?”
His mother pointed to the guest room.
The way Darrell held him, I could tell. I could tell that through all the mistakes I made with Mfon, this was the man.
Tears began to roll down his cheeks as he kissed Devon on the forehead.
He turned and looked at me and before he could speak, I said
“Devon”
A wry smile and the tears streamed down.
He was proud.
There was going to be an aftermath to this event but in that moment, all that mattered was the moment.
He loved that child from the moment he set his eyes on him.
And I loved him even more.
Ms. Tabitha returned home and then came back to stay with us.
As I neared delivery and Devon moved in, I needed extra hands and she was truly my rock.
A perfect mother in law and I couldn’t be more thankful.
A new chapter was upon us and my structured story seemed like it was being written on a fresh page, filled with color and love.
…..
Everything was happening fast.
I was so excited for my future and the challenges to come.
I essentially was raising two new borns at the same time.
I think it was shortly after my sister had posted my pictures from the maternity shoot, but I received a call that shook me.
It was Mfon.
He called that afternoon and we spoke for a little while.
In that conversation, he apologized.
He told me that he saw my pictures with Darrell and he could tell I was happy.
Him not signing the papers was only because he could not come to terms with the fact that he let things get bad between.
I urged him to seek help and follow his heart.
If he wanted to be loved by the same sex, he should live his truth.
He told me that he had sent the papers over.
Signed.
And that I could come and take whatever items I wanted from the house, as Darrell and I moved into our new home.
It made me chuckle because that was how he was. Trying to do the sweet thing.
But it was unnecessary.
My life had moved forward and I didn’t want anything from the past to follow on.
Our chapter closed and that was the last time we spoke.
Darrell was facing his own challenges with his ex wife. She was being very difficult and trying to start a custody battle with him over Devon.
Even after she dropped him off!
I was furious but Darrell always told me not to stress.
One evening I heard him yelling on the phone to her
“…you just want Devon because Bella is being a better mother than you would ever be!
You gave him up! and now you want him back?!
No way… take me to court!
I will fight this with every bone in me! I can promise you that!”
When he came up to bed that night, I didn’t say a word.
I kissed his forehead and told him I loved him.
I knew it wasn’t the solution he sought but it was the best I had.
….
PLEASE DON’T FORGET TO SELECT MY NEXT SERIES BELOW.
….
A few days later, my life changed.
My status changed and my world began to orbit around another. My daughter and heart; Daisy.
I will never forget the pain and strength it took to arrive there.
Everything I had been through to that point was a precursor to where I needed to be.
Divorce, heartbreak, betrayal, restarting.
None of it came close to those moments when they asked me to push and I had past my limit of pushing.
But somehow as a mother, you dig deep.
Deeper.
Deeper than you have even gone.
You get lost in the love and life you bring that you forget the pain the world tries to make you see.
I fought for Daisy.
But I had fought for her before she was conceived.
This was Mfon’s child as well but she was all mine.
So here I was through all I stayed through, trying to hold my last marriage together.
I was about to start a family with a man who fathered a child with another and I was bringing a daughter that shared another father.
Life.
But it was my story and as I lay in that recovery room with Daisy in Ms. Tabitha’s hands, I was content.
Gathering my strength back, Darrell came up to me and sat next to me.
He leaned in and kissed my forehead as I forced a smile.
He smiled and then got serious as he said
“Bella, I am proud of you.
Through everything you have been through
You have been a rock
From every turn
And how life tried to make you stop
You conquered all
You are woman
My woman
A fighter and a warrior
Abeaming torch in dark world
You are a mother to these kids and to me
And I promise to love you like its the first time
I swear I will”
My eyes filled up.
I couldn’t say much but
“Darrell, I fucking love you”
He smiled and said
“Shhhh…we have kids now!
You can’t be using that kind of language”
I laughed.
A few minutes passed and then he said
“Oh babe, I noticed there was a huge purchase on the Chase credit card, was that you?”
I laughed even harder.
He smiled but looked surprised and then he said
“Whats funny babe?”
I continued to chuckle and then I stopped and said
“Let’s just say that someone’s ex wife will be receiving a huge delivery of expired baby food”
Still confused he said
“Who?”
I squeezed his hand and said
“Don’t worry my love. Don’t worry”
It clicked for him and he said
“Bella!
You are so petty!”
I smiled, shrugged and said
“At least, I’m still beautiful right?”
He nodded and leaned in for a kiss as he said
“Yes you are. Oh yes you are”
The End.
Bella is a story of triumph and glory. A thank you to women.
To those that stand firm and fight hard. For what they believe in and what is right.
There is a Bella in all of us. She went through so much. Life threw curve balls at her and she stayed strong. Think of your life, your 2016 and how many times you have falled but gotten back up. How many times did people do you wrong and expecte you to fail?
You are a fighter and a winner.
I wrote Bella for the women I know in my life that have been through one battle or another and those who are striving for better each day.
Your strength is life and life will favor you.
Never give up.
Be less petty.
And always happy.
Bella is my gift to you. Your true beauty is a gift to the world.
Mfon clutched his face as he recovered from the heat and shock that just slapped him.
I wanted to strangle him.
“You stupid piece of shit. You really had me out here crying over your sorry ass!”
I was spewing all sorts of curses on his head.
All I remember was being carried out of the restaurant.
My fingers were sticky from some of the coffee. I was dripping in rage as the once sweet syrup that soaked our love, now tasted like stale burnt bread.
As I waited for Darrell to come out of the now chaotic restaurant. The police showed up.
They walked right past us and into the restaurant. Darrell, came out and we got into the car.
He didn’t speed or anything.
He just drove.
We arrived back at the house and he turned off the engine.
Mine was still running-overdrive.
I was filled with so much anger.
It truly felt like I had been injected with a cocktail of emotions. At an alarming speed, my brain was combing through emotions.
He quietly exited the car and walked into the house.
I just sat there; thinking and scheming.
I wanted to get him back.
I wanted to make him pay. This man put his hands on me.
And left marks that scarred beyond the physical. There was a mixture of failure and a resolution to make him pay, in the worst ways.
I considered telling his family members and the entire Nigerian community.
If only I was truly that wicked but I knew I couldn’t bring myself to do it.
I almost felt cuffed by the institution. But I only had myself to blame.
After all, I went in there and asked them to join me to this worthless being.
I hated the church.
I hated my family.
Questioned my own instincts and suddenly I arrived at it; I blamed Bella.
I must have been in the car for a minute because when I walked in Darrell was asleep.
I headed straight for the shower after I placed my purse down.
The water was really hot. I lowered myself to the floor of the shower and just allowed the water to beat my skin.
Each drop burned but not as much as every memory that floated into my mind.
I really wanted to not think about him. I thought of the two years wasted.
Of all the things I put on hold for the betterment of this man.
I swear, I felt used.
My mind went back to our wedding night.
How handsome he looked in that tuxedo. How his smile lit up the room and tickled my pink.
How I couldn’t wait to be his wife. How I couldn’t wait to cook for him. Pray for and with him. Hold him up.
How I couldn’t wait for him to enter me in the worst ways. And then he threw it all away for someone else. Much less another man.
I started crying and I didn’t know I was loud until I heard Darrell come in.
He said,
“Babe, are you okay?”
I didn’t bother to stop crying.
He came in closer and said,
“Bella, are you okay?”
“I’m okay. I just want to be by myself”
I replied through water.
He stopped in his tracks and said,
“But Bella, I am here for you.”
I could feel his helplessness but I truly just wanted to be alone.
I heard him exit the bathroom.
The shower was not refreshing. I walked out feeling physically clean and emotionally soiled.
I dried myself off and walked into the room.
He was sitting upright in the dark on his phone. As I walked into the room, he placed his phone down and the room was pitch black except for the lighting from the DVR beneath the television.
I hit the light switch and the room lit up.
Standing by the bathroom door with a glum face, I opened my mouth and tried to speak but the words didn’t come out.
I could see the anticipation in his eyes, he wanted to know what he could do to fix it for me.
But there was no short fix.
I stood there and tried again.
This time the words came out.
“Darrell, I’m pregnant.”
His eyes grew big and he seemed excited for a brief second and then it vanished.
He then said,
“Is it mine?”
My head dropped.
I replied,
“No, its not.”
He got up and walked to me.
His arms provided the warmth and his heart the safety I needed. He wrapped them around me and kissed my forehead.
I wasn’t sure how things would play out but in that moment I felt safe.
……
The weeks slowly added up and I fully moved in to Darrell’s place. He was still shuttling between both cities and I would stay in the house when he was gone.
I was still in love with this man.
It was happening with each passing day.
I would find myself picking up the nuggets from my last experience and trying to apply them with Darrell.
He was so sweet and considerate. I could see him going the extra mile for me and wanting to take care of me.
My belly was growing and my anger towards Mfon was reducing.
I was feeling myself allowing him back in.
I really did not want to forgive but I could not hold my anger.
The days were long as I worked part time and mostly from home. I had too much time on my hands.
Mfon would call and try to explain himself. Our families also wouldn’t take their foot off the gas.
Everyone wanted me to forgive him for the sake of the baby.
You see my view was that I had always hesitated around bringing a baby into the world. And now I was going through with it, with a man I could not trust. So I had to be sure, I protected my child and most importantly my own life.
One evening, I was in the worst of moods.
In limbo, I hated where I was. Mid divorce, pregnant and living in the house of another man.
I think when I envisioned my life as a woman, none of those things came to mind as possibilities.
So I felt unfulfilled and behind schedule. Angry at myself and some of the decisions that got me there.
I was in my feelings as Darrell returned from a long shift.
In my mind, I knew that it was the best time for the kind of conversation I was about to start with him. But somewhere in there, I needed that validation. I needed to hear him say the things I wanted to hear.
“How was your day?”
I asked him as he unbuttoned his shirt.
Without looking at me, he replied,
“It was good. Just really long”
I went quiet for a bit and then I said,
“I was thinking today…what are we doing here?”
He glanced at me and said,
“What do you mean?”
“I just want to know what we are doing here. This baby, getting the divorce, living with you. I just want to know. What are your plans?
Why am I here?”
He looked confused as he slid on his shorts. He said,
“We have talked about this before and I think you know my intentions. So why is this coming up?”
I scoffed and said,
“You know what, never mind.”
He growled in frustration and said,
“Bella, you know thats mad annoying. Can you please just tell me whats going on?”
I knew I had him. But I couldn’t just bring myself to speak up then.
“Darrell its nothing really”
He was trying so hard to not lose his cool. He sighed as he came and sat next to me.
He asked me again,
“Bella, if something is the matter, can you lets just talk about it now.
There is no reason to start something and then say nothing.”
I still didn’t respond.
He waited a few minutes and then he sighed really loudly and got up.
As he was about to talk, I spoke,
“So what am I to you?
This version of a wife in your home. Am I just here so you can feel good about yourself?
Do you even care about me?… Like wtf happens when this baby comes?
You’ll just be over me”
I looked at his face as I stopped talking. Shock, anger, disappointment and disgust all mixed in one.
He took a step back and said,
“Bella, are you fucking serious right now?”
I looked away. He didn’t say much after that.
“Bella, you know better and you are just wrong for all that. I have nothing to say.
I’ll sleep in the other room.”
He exited the room and I think that sent me over the edge.
Now I was so angry at myself because I didn’t get what I wanted and there was no hope of me getting it.
I cried that night as I felt empty.
He never left that room all night.
The next morning, he was gone before I woke up.
I went into the room, hoping to apologize and he wasn’t there.
I tried to go about my day, hoping to apologize for my childish behavior later that night.
So when I heard a knock on the door around midday, I was nervously excited. I thought he had come back from work early and we were going to squash things.
I made my way to the door and opened it up without looking through the peephole and there he was.
Mfon.
….
“Mfon, what are you doing here?”
I was surprised and certainly taken aback.
He tried to smile.
“I had to see you, Bella”
He replied.
“How did you get this address?”
I asked,
“I just asked the right questions. Can I come in?”
I replied with a sharp,
“No”
He nodded and continued,
“Well I just wanted to let you know that I want your forgiveness and I am willing to work for it.
But more importantly, I am not letting go. I want to be in the life of my child, so I will do everything possible”
I nodded and said,
“I have nothing against you being in the life of our child but I just want to be clear that we are over.
I would really appreciate if you just signed the papers and allowed the courts to do their job.
This whole year has been stressful enough. I just want to move on”
Still standing at the foot of the stairs, he looked up to me and said,
“I’m not signing those papers”
I couldn’t believe the words coming out of his mouth. I wanted to jump on him and bite his neck off.
“Are you fucking kidding me? After everything!
You better sign those papers or I will make your life a living hell Mfon, a living hell!”
I was fuming and yelling at the top of my lungs when I noticed Darrell’s car pulling up.
He parked in the driveway and hopped out.
Mfon turned and started to back away.
As he walked away, he said,
“I’ll be in touch”
Darrell walked past him as he nodded.
As he got close to me and said,
“What did he want?”
I turned around and walked into the house.
Darrell followed me in and said,
“Bella, are you okay?”
I turned and said,
“No!
No I’m not okay!
He’s not letting me move on”
Darrell moved closer to me and then he took my hand.
He looked down at me as I looked up to him and very softly, he said,
“Marry me”
I couldn’t believe the words. I stepped back and said,
“What?”
He didn’t bat an eye.
He repeated himself,
“Marry me Bella”
All I could think was WhatTheHeckMan.
…..
I was on a cloud.
In a different planet to be very honest.
The stars were beneath my toes and I felt so happy.
The way Darrell took care of me, ladies would understand. He checked the boxes and I could see a great father in him.
The lawyers were doing their work and the divorce process was nearing a close.
We had started looking at homes in the area and preparing for our next chapter.
Everything was falling in place.
I was returning from the grocery store that Sunday evening. As I emptied the trunk and I was taking the groceries into the house, a car pulled up and an older woman came out.
She stopped me and said,
“You must be Bella”
I nodded and said,
“Yes and you are?”
She smiled and said,
“My name is Tabitha and I am Darrell’s mother.”
I felt a twitch. I had heard so much about her and I was very sad that we hadn’t properly met.
“Oh my God!
It’s so nice to meet you ma. Come in!”
She smiled really big and took in my hug before pulling away and becoming very serious.
She looked at me and said,
“So are you ready to be a mother?”
I smiled and nodded as I said,
“Yes ma. I am excited”
She shook her head and then pointed to the back seat of the car she had just exited. Then she said,
“Not to the baby inside of you. A mother to that child.
Darrell’s son”
She looked at me and I looked at her.
No words were said but there was something deep I felt.
Oh Lord, say it with me y’all What The Bloody Heck Man!
PLEASE COMMENT.
Return for the concluding Part of the Bella series on Saturday!
Word travelled fast as I left the hospital and returned home.
Think of gossip flowing through the grapevine between Nigerian Aunties. It moved faster than your mood from angry to not angry after you get your hands on food.
There were calls of concern and care.
People were genuinely worried about me and I could feel the love.
Taiwo and Cynthia were basically living with me at this point and I could truly feel their love in it’s purest form.
I was trying to live a normal life but no one was normal. I could feel the pain in all their hearts.
But I was the only one that knew was I was feeling.
One afternoon, I heard a knock on the door as I exited the bathroom.
I sluggishly walked to the door.
I leaned forward and looked into the peep hole, it was like my eyes were playing tricks on me.
Back, I leaned and then forward again.
On second glance, I saw clearly that it was Annie.
As I opened the door, I stepped to the side and allowed her in.
Standing in the same spot where I had slumped a few days prior, she said
“Hi Kola”
I turned the lock on the door and said
“Hi Annie”
as the words left my tongue, Taiwo came out of the room and into the hallway.
She was looking dead at Annie when she said
“What are you doing here?”
Annie sighed.
Before she could answer, I jumped in and said
“Taiwo, can you please give us some privacy?”
She rolled her eyes and said
“I asked her to tell me why she’s here and I want an answer”
as she approached Annie and I.
Annie replied and said
“I came to show honest care and concern. Something you obviously know nothing about”
I could almost hear Taiwo grinding her teeth as her fists clenched.
I immediately changed my standing position to occupy a space between both of them and I again said
“Taiwo, please go back to the room please”
She hissed and said
“You’re lucky”
as stormed back towards the room.
I motioned Annie toward the couch where she sat and I asked
“So what can I do for you?”
She fiddled with her hands and said
“Kola, I just came to apologize and say I’m sorry for all that happened.
I can’t help but feel like I contributed to the whole thing by what I did that day and I’m really sorry”
I made a sound that was almost a mixture of a scoff and a smile as I said
“it’s okay. It’s all in the past now.
We good”
She apologized a bit more and stood to leave when she said
“I heard you were poisoned. I don’t know if you care, but it was not the one who did that. I would never do that to you”
I smiled and didn’t respond as I held open the front door.
She smiled and took a step forward as if to walk out and quickly she turned.
She hugged me and squeezed me.
“Kola, I still love you and I need you.
Please come back to me”
I let go of the door, it slid and closed.
I looked down at Annie as she sobbed. Her tears soaking my shirt.
I placed my hands around her back as I tried to comfort her.
She looked up and our eyes met, I leaned in and I didn’t know when I kissed her.
It was not one of those “she forced herself on me” situations. I actually went in for the kiss.
It felt good.
There was a surge through my body.
She sucked on my bottom lip as our tongues interlocked.
We must have been tongue tied for a few minutes before something clicked in my head that Taiwo was only two doors away.
She stepped back and wiped her juicy lips.
We both smiled and I spoke first
“Annie, we have to talk about this some more but later”
She smiled and said
“I look forward to it”
Not without leaning in and planting another long kiss on my lips before heading out.
I watched her as she walked through the halls and towards the stairwell,
“Oh how do I keep getting myself into this?”
I thought to myself.
Reopening doors that should stay closed. Oh great Nigerian man.
….
My mother was due to arrive that evening.
So right before as Cynthia and Taiwo made dinner in the kitchen, I said to both
“There will be no talk of dying or anything along the lines to my mother.
Okay?”
They both agreed.
I then brought up the earlier interaction as Cynthia and I teased Taiwo.
“…you should have seen her clenching her fist like she was going to beat Annie!
It was so funny!”
I recanted to a beaming Cynthia.
Taiwo jumped in
“I don’t know whats so funny. Me that I was ready to beat her ass. Y’all here laughing”
I replied as I laughed
“She was just trying to apologize”
Taiwo chimed in again and said
“Thats how it starts and then she’ll want to be talking to you. Then she’s kissing you and before you know it, you’re fucking her.
You dont know women”
I laughed as Cynthia suddenly switched sides and agreed with her.
“Yup Kola. It always starts with some cry baby act before we start using our tears to wash your penis.
You know better”
I smiled knowing that Annie’s lips were just all over mine.
but that was for me to worry about.
A few hours later, my mother and Taiwo arrived from the airport.
The mood quickly changed. There was an air of seriousness or cautiousness that my mother brought into the space.
We all ate together and watched a Nigerian movie my mother selected.
About halfway through the movie, my mother looked at me and said
“Kola, je kin ri e.”
Kola let me see you (in private)
We headed to my room, she sat down on the bed and said
“Sit down”
I sat next to her as she began speaking. It was a mixture of simple words and prayers.
She was crying through it all as she said
“….I have learned to not question God but this leaves a big question mark regarding his loyalty to me. I thanked him for you and raised you in his ways and re-dedicated you to him.
This is not fair but I want to tell you that I love you more than my own life”
As she spoke, I felt her heart break into tinier pieces than mine.
My mother was my everything, and to see her shattered like that was hard to swallow.
I reached my hands around her and pulled her close.
She squeezed my shirt and sobbed harder reciting my Oriki (praise poetry, is a cultural phenomenon among the Yòrùbá-speaking people of West Africa.)
I looked down and slowly moved her off me and I said
“Mummy, I’m not dying”
Stunned.
She sat up straight and said
“Ehn!”
I swallowed hard and quietly repeated myself and said
“Mummy, I am not dying.”
She looked at me like I was strange and said
“What are you saying Kola???”
She stood up and raised her voice as she said
“Are you serious???
You had the entire family worried and devastated and you are not sick
Explain it to me!!!”
I stood up and motioned to her, gently asking her to quiet down
as I spoke
“You see, I spoke to the doctor and paid him so we could plan the whole thing.
I just needed a fresh start and for all these women to leave me alone.
It was weighing me down”
Her mouth was ajar.
She was stunned
If she could slap me at that moment, I bet she would have.
There was so much disappointment in her eyes.
I couldn’t hide.
I wanted to hide but I couldn’t.
“A new beginning is moving to a new state or country. Getting a different career, giving your life to God… but this… this is low.
Even for you.
I can’t believe this”
She got up and exited the room.
I wanted to follow her but I was ridden with so much shame.
I just sat on the floor there and played my actions.
All I concluded with was that it needed to be done. It might have seemed horrible to others but to me, it was necessary.
…..
The rest of the week, my mother and I danced around each other. She barely spoke to me.
My mother ranks high as one of the most passive aggressive people I know.
She was clearly upset with me but not saying anything.
Even Taiwo asked me what happened and I played it off as her just being upset with the situation.
It was around 6am when I felt a sharp slap around my shoulder.
It wasn’t your friendly wake up call.
It was firm and painful.
I sprung up and said
“What?!”
It was my mother and she put her finger across her lips.
She stood over me and said
“There are people out in the living room.
You are going to go out there and tell them the truth about all this.
Otherwise, I will”
I looked at her in shock and said
“Huh?”
She looked angry as she said
“Kola, don’t make me slap you here. If you know what is good for you, you will get up and go out there now.
Thank God you know I don’t stand for this nonsense”
I was so upset.
This was why I didn’t want my mother to know about this whole situation.
I sluggishly got myself out of bed with my mother policing me, almost like when I was in grade school.
She walked behind me as I walked to the living room. As I turned the corner, I noticed two people sitting on the couch; Annie and Cynthia.
I actually let out a sigh of relief because Taiwo wasn’t there.
She was the one I wanted anyways.
I sat across from them and finally gathered the courage to speak and I said
“I want to start by saying I am sorry.
I have been selfish and a coward. I have lied to both of you and even made you feel like you weren’t enough for me.
I lied to both of you and others about my medical condition, I am not actually dying. I just did that because I wanted to leave all the situations I have at the moment and return to a stress free life.
I know you probably hate me, but I Truly enjoyed the memories we made and I hope someday you can both forgive me”
Annie said nothing.
She got up, picked her bags and walked out.
I turned and watched her leave.
Cynthia sat there with her hands on her laps and my mom at the end of the couch.
She sighed and said
“It’s unfortunate that you have people that actually love you but you have done such a despicable thing to them.
To bring such grief to people you call family is just downright low and beneath you.
And to think I was holding off on telling you that I was pregnant.”
I gasped and sat straight.
She looked at me and said
“Calm down.
It’s not yours and I’m glad because you changed Kola.
You really changed. This was not the man I fell for.
I wish you all the best but I’m out”
I heaved a sigh of relief. For a quick second, I thought I was going to lose out on everything and somehow have ended up as a father.
Cynthia stood up and left.
She shook her head as she said
“You brought this upon yourself”
She walked and left the house. She would later return as she was still staying with me till she found her own place.
As everything settled, I got up and my mother looked at me. Her glare was telling, then she said most she had said to me in days
“I am proud of you for manning up but I am leaving tomorrow back to Nigeria”
I didn’t even get a reply in. She walked out of the room.
Somewhere in my mind, I felt less pressure on my shoulders.
I still had to talk to Taiwo, at least now we could properly be together.
I picked up my keys and in my shorts,
I headed over to her house.
About 30 minutes later, I was knocking on her door.
My heart was racing.
I heard someone walking towards the door.
It opened moments later.
“Hey babe”
I said.
She smiled and said
“Hi Kola”
That greeting might have sounded normal to everyone else in the world but I knew Taiwo, she was upset.
I looked at her, smiled as I said
“You must have heard huh?”
“Heard what?”
she replied swiftly.
I realized this wasn’t going to be easy.
“Taiwo, I lied about being sick.
I paid the doctor to say all that at the hospital. I just wanted to get everyone out of the way, so we can better together.
I’m sorry I lied to you baby.
I would never do anything to hurt you”
Taiwo closed the door.
Huh?
I was so confused. I heard some shuffling on the other side then the door opened again.
Taiwo had a box in her hand.
She placed it on the floor between us.
Then she stepped in the doorway and said
“You are a liar, manipulator and a self centered prick.
So no. I don’t want you or your love that taints or hurts others.
In this box, I have packed all your shit.
Please leave me alone and never contact me, I don’t need your love.”
She slammed the door.
That was it.
I couldn’t believe what had just unfolded.
I wanted to scream/cry/punch something all in the same breath.
I couldn’t even gather myself to pick up my belongings in the box.
Slowly, I trudged to my car.
The drive back home was painful. I kept playing it all in my head and trying to find ways I could have avoided all of this.
I felt like I had eggs broken only face.
What The Heck Man.
When I returned home, I sat in my car for almost an hour.
You know that defeated stance where you even get home but you can’t bring yourself to go inside.
I finally pulled myself in.
When I opened the door, Cynthia was watching the television and my mother was in the kitchen.
Standing in the door, I couldn’t hold it anymore. I started crying profusely.
Cynthia got up and approached me.
She said
“Are you okay?”
I looked at her as I slumped to the ground.
My mom said
“Whats wrong with him?”
Cynthia said
“Annie posted a secret recording of him confessing that he lied to people about being terminally illl.
It is all over the internet”
I raised my head and looked up to her as I said
“What video?”
She looked at me puzzled and said
“You haven’t seen it?”
I hadn’t seen the video.
Apparently Annie had a camera in her purse, recording me that morning as I confessed being a fucking liar to her.
She had never been one to play fair and I couldn’t even muster anger towards her.
I felt a sharp pain in my stomach.
The tears flowed faster and I slumped farther into darkness.
Cynthia then said
“Kola, you’re bleeding”
I cleaned my nose with my right forearm and there was blood on it.
She asked
“Are you okay?”
My mother hissed and said
“Nosebleeds?
He gets those when it’s too hot or he’s stressed. He brought this stress on himself.
Kola go to the bathroom and wash that nonsense off before you stain the walls”
She walked right past me and into the bedroom.
And in that moment, I realized how low I had fallen.
My reputation was tarnished and I lost all the women I had and even my mother walked away from me as my heart lay broken.
And all I could think was What The… you know the rest.
I hope you enjoyed the Confessions of a Yoruba Demon series. I know lately they have gained prominence for creative heartbreaking techniques and patterns. I enjoyed writing this series and I hope you enjoyed reading it.
Please if you know a Yoruba demon, stay with him. He needs all your love.
LOL it’s play o! RUN!!!!!
But in all good fun, ladies and gentlemen, treat your partners well.
“Yoruba demonizing” is a way of life. WE must all cast and bind!
Please leave a comment/SHARE and let’s meet back up here next Saturday for a brand NEW series from the mind of your one and only
I could feel the cold from the metal bench stinging the lining of my skin as I waited in the holding cell.
There was nothing I had done to deserve this .
In many ways, I felt betrayed by Annie.
Now don’t get me wrong, there was probably something I could have done better in the situation with regards to Taiwo but the turn around time never gave me a chance.
But that still isn’t justify Annie basically lying to the police and threatening my career and future.
One of the officers was understanding as he knew that disagreements with partners can sometimes be over embellished.
Still that didn’t mean I was getting released.
I sat in the cell for more than 20 hours.
Each hour felt like a rerun of watching my favorite team losing the Championship in thefinal seconds of a game; it sickened me.
There were knots in my stomach and I could feel my palms get really sweaty.
How could she do this to me?
I would occasionally drift to my parents, particularly my mother and what she would be feeling if she found out that I had been arrested.
Disappointment. Pain. Helplessness.
Where would I start to explain myself?
My parents sent me to school in the United States when I turned 16.
I had finished high school in Nigeria and my time at Atlantic Hall High School still remains one of my best experiences in life.
I loved growing up in Nigeria and I was extremely appreciative that I had parents that valued hard work and education.
A lot of what I needed was always provided by my parents and I could count on them for anything.
So how would they take this news?
My father never put his hands on my mother, so having to hear that his son was a wife beater?
I felt another knot in my stomach.
Fuck.
I managed to finally fall asleep when I heard someone calling out a name.
I wasn’t sure if it was mine or not.
Someone was calling and banging on the rails.
I opened my eyes and mouthed to the guy sitting next to me
“What’s going on?”
He looked at me and said
“is your name Coller?”
I looked away and at the officer still calling my name.
I got up and walked to the gate
He said
“Are you Coller?”
I replied
“Kola Osifeso”
He replied
“Yeah…that”
I said
“Yes. That’s me”
He began to open the gate as he said
“You made bail”
I was surprised as I became more aware of my surroundings.
I walked out of the cell and began to think,
“who could it be?”
Reaching the front counter, I was really nervous. My palms became sweaty and I was second guessing showing my face.
What if it was my uncle that my parents sent?
I shuttle stepped and turned the corner, the officer pointed to the counter and asked me to sign a form as I received my personal effects from him in a bag.
After inspecting the bag, I nodded at him to confirm that all my items were present.
He looked down at the dashboard in front of him and pressed a button, the door behind me buzzed and I pushed it open and entered into the waiting room. Standing in the center of the waiting room, there she was; Taiwo.
…..
The street lights were out on my right side.
I stared out of the window; no words said since she picked me up.
How did she know I was there?
I couldn’t bring myself to hold a conversation. Being that I was innocent regarding the pictures and all, I think I actually felt anger towards her.
Somewhere deep inside me, I felt like her recklessness led us up to that point.
She parked next to the curb and shut off the engine.
Her hand reached into the cup holder and picked up her charging phone. She fiddled with it for a few minutes as I watched her out of the corner of my eyes.
She placed her phone down and looked towards me and said
“Kola, are you going to say something?”
I refused to reply.
She waited a few seconds and said
“Kola, I am sorry.
I didn’t mean for all this to get crazy… I just wanted to let you know that I still had feelings for you.”
I looked at her and those eyes sucked me in.
Shit! I wasn’t supposed to look in her eyes.
So here is a quick flashback
Taiwo and I “dated” for a bit and this was way before Annie.
When I say dated, I mean we actually went on a couple of dates together with the hope of knowing each other.
To be honest, I can’t remember who started playing what games but I know we were both being unserious, so falling off was easy and soon enough, Annie came along.
Annie and I were about 7 months into dating when I was reintroduced to Taiwo.
Annie asked me for details and I told her everything she needed to know back then.
We had never had sex.
We hadn’t even kissed yet.
So in my mind, we never happened like that. But Taiwo and I had a connection, I worked in mental health for a company that studies patients with down syndrome.
Taiwo’s older brother was one of our first patients.
So on many days when when Annie and I were “together”, I would see Taiwo and grab lunch or whatever.
We became very close but I always now referred to her as Annie’s friend.
Our connection was always evident, I had a hand in her family and she had hers in mine.
I felt a cold hand on my left hand, jolting me back into the present.
I moved my hand away and said
“You caused all this”
She replied
“I know and I’m sorry”
A part of me was still frustrated.
I shifted my body and stared out of the window as I said
“How did you even know where I was?”
She leaned back and said
“When I didn’t hear from you, I got worried. So I called Annie.
She screened my calls or even blocked me… I figured something must have happened.
And after calling the hospitals in the area, I called the police department through my friend Cory, the Assistant District Attorney and she was able to help me locate you and I had to come and get you”
Impressed by the effort she had shown to find me and come, I still put up a front and said
“You wouldn’t have had to pick me up from the station if things had just stayed the way they were”
She chimed back
“But Kola, I am tired of the way they are… I am tired of dancing around you and pretending like I don’t love you or want you.
I am tired.
So forgive me for going after what I want but you always say it, regret is so much worse than failure”
I did say that.
That was my line.
I looked over at her and tried to fight a smile. She smiled and mouthed
“I’m sorry”
And that was it. The last bit of my flailing guard fell.
“I can’t even think straight”
I said.
She replied
“Would a drink help?”
as she pointed straight down the street at a flashing “Open” sign for a local bar.
I smiled and said
“I wouldn’t hurt”
We must have been in there for about two hours. But as we walked home, she held my hands. It was easily the most calming moment of a stressful couple of days.
We talked about what could have been if we had been serious when we first met.
When we reached her car, I motioned as if to get in.
I thought she would be taking me home. It was as I turned around, I saw her holding open the door that led to her apartment.
She said
“Lets go”
with some authority. I replied
“It’s kinda late tho”
Flashing my illuminated Fitbit near her face. 1:59am.
She smiled and said
“Exactly. It’s late and you know I don’t like to drive at night.
Aint nobody tryna get shot”
I walked in behind her and up the stairs.
Apartment 8A.
As we entered, I could smell recently cooked food.
Taiwo walked towards the kitchen area and on the dining table, there was a full outlay of food.
Efo riro (A vegetable dish with assorted meats), white rice, red beans and meat pie.
Taiwo went in.
She put some of the rice in the microwave and headed into her bedroom.
I walked around the dining table one more time. She emerged and handed me a towel and a white medium sized shirt.
I remember teasing her that she was making me wear the clothes of one of her lovers.
The shower was amazing.
I felt like I was washing away the filth and drama from the past two days.
It was then I realized that I hadn’t thought about Annie all night.
My insides were somehow filled with disgust again.
I washed myself down and headed out into the living room.
The sweet smelling scent of fried plantains filled the air, bringing joy only rivaled by a direct deposit alert.
The smell couldn’t mask my thirst for her.
She turned around as she removed the last batch of plantains from the hot oil.
As she moved the pan to an empty burner, I slid my right hand around her.
My hand firmly on her lower back, I pulled her in close.
My first kiss was the one that set open the doors.
Her full lips sang in unison with mine.
Weaving a story of love and lust as she placed both her hands around my neck.
Our tongues laced with a passion and a wanting of years passed, I kissed her hard.
I broke the kiss and took her left hand in mine and led her till we stood in front of the couch.
Her leather Kim Kardashian jacket hugged the arm rest.
Her eyes were glued to mine. The hairs behind my neck were standing and I leaned in and kissed her again.
She bit my bottom lip as I went in for more of hers.
She was wearing a vanilla top that sat just beneath her buttocks.
As I kissed her, my mind began to race.
How far did I want this to go?
Did I really want to do this? Now?
Maybe my mind communicated with hers via our spit but she suddenly moved my hand from her lower back to sit firmly on her left buttock.
Answered.
Each piece of clothing came off, and we were soon bare as we came into this world but filled with lust that ravages people.
I slowly sat her down on the couch and kissed her succulent thighs.
Her tattoos carefully placed around her body like art on gallery wall of a painter.
My tongue long for her sweet; my eyes searched her soul.
I tried to find where I fit, as I licked her thighs and stared upwards at her.
Using my hands, I parted her legs. It was brief but telling sound as I heard her wet.
The kisses around the edges were sloppy like saving a wilting ice cream cone at the state fair.
This was all I had wanted.
As I passionately locked lips with her pink, I felt her muscles tense and then relax.
I looked up again at her perfectly sculpted breasts and her silver piercing that found home in her left breast.
Her back firmed up as she began to curse under her breath.
Her right hand found its way to the back of my neck as she battled with pushing my head away or keeping my tongue closer.
Gladly, my tongue moved hard on her pink.
I slurped and gulped as I struggled to keep up with the juice that was flowing on to my beard.
I continued to work my position.
Wagging from left to right and nibbling to soothing effects, Taiwo went silent.
I could tell what was coming.
She lifted her back off the leather couch, squeezed my arm and squealed.
A fresh squeeze of her filling, lined the cavities of my mouth.
I stood and smiled.
Like a warrior that conquered it’s prey.
I began to reach for my pants to pull out the condom housed in my wallet while she writhed across the couch.
I checked the first pocket I normally kept my condom and found nothing.
I panicked.
This was not the time to have lost or forgotten this.
I checked the second sleeve inside the wallet, nothing.
I knew I was fucked. I was just about to make up an excuse to not continue our activities when Taiwo tapped me.
I turned around and immediately dropped to her knees and took me in.
The entire time, her gaze was fixed on me.
She sucked on the head and juggled my balls in her right hand.
It was art.
The way she caressed and then stroked. The way she tugged and slapped it across her cheek like an expert, I feared that I might just explode without warning.
I gently pushed her head away, knowing fully well that another couple of minutes of that and I would be spreading my seed like a farmer before the first rain.
I slipped the condom on my wet shaft and sat down on the the couch.
She smiled as she saddled me.
This was where we stayed.
Her eyes on me, mine on her breasts.
She controlled the motions. Slowly.
There wasn’t a rush to it.
As she dripped on to me with each stroke, I could feel myself finding new depths wishing her.
She stayed close and kissed me. Her breasts bounced as motioned up and down.
I could feel myself tense up as I bit lightly into her nipple.
She moved faster with shorter strokes.
I felt it boiling up but she stayed the course.
Her cheeks slapping into my drenched sack as she moved on me.
I was trying to fight her but the softness of her skin, those big bold eyes, her lips, her wet, I couldn’t help it any longer.
I squeezed her cheeks in my hands and felt a tickle right inside my shaft.
A few muffled grunts and spurts , it was all out.
She stayed on me for a few seconds and leaned back.
Sweat dripped from underneath her weave and down her forehead. I smiled at her and leaned she in to kiss me.
As she broke the kiss, we smiled together like shy kids that had just touched our privates for the first time.
And then she said
“Will you eat now?”
I joked and replied
“Again?”
She slapped me across my chest, got up and headed into the bathroom. I watched her blessed frame wander off into the fluorescence of the bathroom.
The condom came off, my clothes came on and we ate.
As we sat there watching a movie that somewhat reminded me of the Legend of Tarzan, she placed her head on my lap and looked up at me.
I looked away fro the tv and at her as I said
“What?”
She smiled and replied
“I know you don’t necessarily want to talk bout it.
I know you have a bunch of girls that want you but I just want you to know that I genuinely want you.
not all that nonsense we were doing years ago. I genuinely want you.
So take your time to figure it all out but know that all I want is you.”
It felt like long needed validation.
Like the words I wanted a jilted lover to express before they found peace.
I smiled at her.
“T, you know I have a lot going on but I hear you”
She smiled back and that was all we said.
We curled up next to each other that night and slept.
…..
The next morning, we swung by the Tmobile store and I picked up a new phone.
Taiwo then took me towards the house. I asked her to drop me off by the corner so I could buy some plantains from the Chinese store, to go with the rest of the stew she gave me.
I was so glad that I did.
As I walked home, with my bags in hand and sun in my face, I thought I would feel better.
I felt good but like something was missing.
Someone was leaving the complex as I arrived, so they left the door open. I let myself in, picked up my mail and head into the elevator.
As the doors opened and I turned the corner, I looked up and with great surprise, there was someone standing in front of my apartment.
She was leaning on the wall with her back turned to me.
As I approached slowly, I noticed her luggage and I began to wonder.
A few more steps and she heard me.
Turning around, my face flushed with surprise and maybe even shock.
She smiled and said
“Hi Kola”
I stood there shocked.
“Cynthia, what are you doing here?”
She leaned in for a hug and said
“I told you I would be coming through”
I broke the hug and said
“But you never said anything about coming here or staying with me”
She rolled her eyes and stepped back
“Kola, are you going to let me in?”
I scoffed and reluctantly opened the door.
She smiled and moved her bags inside the apartment.
I stood by the door and asked again
“So Cynthia, why are you here?”
She looked a bit more serious as she approached me and said
“Kola, will you ease up.
You stopped calling me months ago. And because you called off the engagement, we can’t be friends?
You know I love you… so lets leave all that in the past.
I’m not here to take you from all your little girlfriends of which I could if I wanted because they have nothing on all this…. I’m here for a job.
I start in two weeks and until then, I have nowhere else to stay.
So whats for lunch?”
She walked past me and into the kitchen.
She bent down and her head disappeared behind the refrigerator door. As she stood up, she looked surprised and worried.
Slowly, she closed the door and said
“Kola, are you okay?”
I stood there and wondered what she was talking about as she was now walking towards me.
She said
“Kola, you’re bleeding”
I looked down at the puddle of blood forming between my feet.
I moved my right hand to my nose and felt blood dripping down.
The next thing I felt was Cynthia cushioning my fall.
And shouting my name
“Kola… Kolaaaaaa”
For the second time in two days, I felt the cold piercing my skin.
This time around, there was no rising.
Slowly my name went faint and my body went numb.
What The Heck Man.
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I was disgusted and excited at the same time. The excitement I felt within my bones, caused me to be more disgusted with myself.
“How could this have happened?”
My sister and my father?
The man that raised us?!
You always hear that the world is a crazy place but you never truly understand how crazy till it passes right through your own home.
The next few months were weird to say the least.
I want to say there were separated because he wasn’t sleeping at home all the time.
And my sister kept the baby.
I was actually amazed to find out that my father publicly announced that he was the father.
My sister and her husband were finalizing their divorce.
He left and didn’t give her anything.
It wasn’t like she wanted it anyway.
But it shook the family to the core.
….
I sat down on the bed as the wear of the long day began to get to me.
I was tired.
My mind was racing at insane speeds.
I needed answers but I wasn’t even sure what answers I wanted first or even the questions I was meant to ask.
I just lay there, texting and reading emails. I remember thinking about what I wanted to eat for dinner and then thinking about making something for Cole.
I had been staying with him most days during the recent weeks as we had become much closer and officially dating.
I decided to make some lentil soup with a side of sweet potatoes.
One yawn and then I decided to take a quick nap. I think you can imagine how that went.
…..
I felt his arm around me as he tapped me to wake up.
“Babe, you’re not ready?”
I looked startled as he said
“We have dinner plans?…”
It made more sense and I realized I had forgotten about dinner plans. I immediately got up and started getting ready.
That evening as we finished dinner, we walked up the hill towards the car.
As we arrived at the traffic stop, I thought we were about to take a right turn. He placed his hand around my lower back and pointed to his left.
The man on the screen lit up as the system blurted out “Cross”
A few more blocks and we ended up in front of a Gentlemen’s club called Penthouse.
I turned to him and smile, he tipped the man at the door and we walked in.
In the lobby, the attendant greeted us and asked if he was there to make it rain on me.
He sheepishly smiled and said he was there to watch me have a great time.
He collected a stack of ones and we headed into the main area.
I just watched how his eyes followed me.
As we sat down and stripper after stripper came through, his eyes were still fixed on me.
Sometimes I would catch him staring and he still wouldn’t shirk the fact that he was staring.
Towards the end of our time there, one of the ladies came up to me and asked if I wanted a dance.
I glanced over to him and he paid.
Off she went. Boobs, ass, kisses and endless compliments. She fell in love with me.
He just fixed on me.
I could see his brain working creatively on how he was going to take me.
As we headed home, I could feel him driving faster than normal.
He couldn’t wait to get home.
As he drove, he placed his right hand on my thigh. I could feel the flood gates opening.
But my jumpsuit prevented him from going any further.
As arrived in the house, I went into the bathroom to take my make up off.
When I returned to the room, he had it lit up with candles.
Smooth jazz instrumentals played in the back ground.
He walked up to me and told me to close my eyes.
I reluctantly obliged.
He undressed me and led me to the bed.
Laying me on my back, I was trying to figure out what he was doing.
Then I felt the cold of metal on my wrist and a click.
“What are you doing?”
I asked.
“Shut up”
He replied.
Suddenly the same thing happened on the other hand.
It was clear that I was now handcuffed to the bed frame.
Hands dangling as my naked skin became home to his touch.
He asked me to open my eyes and there he was with that smile.
That almost evil look.
He knew what it did to me.
He leaned in and kissed me. His moist lips all over mine.
I felt a twitch in my spine.
As he kissed me, all I could think was I wanted him inside me like right now
I remembered how wet he got me and how I was dripping now.
He went down and kissed my pink.
His tongue played with my clit and teased the opening of my pussy.
My juices flowed and stained his mouth and beard.
He vibrated his tongue all over my clit and I tried to push him off but I obviously couldn’t.
He pinned my legs towards my chest from behind my knees. He was so strong.
He kept going and as I said “I’m going to cum”,
He stopped, uncuffed one hand. Turned me and grabbed my hair and thrust his dick into me fucking me hard as he could.
The way he pulled on my head turned me on but not as much as the way he choked me while he rammed his dick into me and his balls slapped my clit.
With each thrust, I could feel my wet drip onto his balls,
Every inch occupied by his able member.
I moaned louderas he spanked my ass and talked dirty to me.
“Who’s pussy is it?”
I moaned and said
“Your’s baby. Yours!”
He grabbed my waist tighter and rammed his black package into me.
I went silent as I clutched the sheets.
It was like he was about to break me.
He leaned in, his grunts were sexy as he released his seed.
He slumped next to me.
I fell into the bed face down.
Seconds later, I turned to my right to look at him.
He was trying to catch his breath. I smiled and thought to myself
“He put in work.”
I looked up to the sky and smiled again.
A refreshing smile, if only my legs would stop shaking. 😊
…
A few minutes later, I turned over, worry across my face and placed my head on his chest as I asked
“Babe, do you think my family is dysfunctional?”
I looked up towards his face awaiting his answer. He leaned his head downwards and said
“No I don’t babe.
Every family has their own stuff. I wouldn’t call you dysfunctional.
I just think there is a lot going on for your family”
I smiled and then I said to him
“I’m glad you’re coming with me tomorrow”
He rubbed my head and kissed my forehead and said
“Me too baby”
…….
We set out at 4am.
A four and half hour drive to start the day as we made our way across the state.
I was nervous and praying as Cole drove us down.
I tried to distract myself with music and abstract thoughts. Nothing worked.
It felt like my first day of school, I just kept thinking of all the things that could go wrong.
We arrived and I sat in the car refusing to step out.
I just put my head down and started crying.
I realized that it was uncomfortable for Cole who reached out and came to my side of the car.
He squatted by the door and placed my hands in his.
He looked me in the eyes and said
“Babe, I know this is hard and scary but you have wanted this for years.
We have finally gotten close. You can’t give up now.
I am here with you and we can do this together. I will be here with you the entire way.
Okay baby?”
I sniffled as I wiped away my tears and said
“But… but… what if she doesn’t want me or even remember me?
What if she’s against a relationship with me?”
He rubbed my hand and said
“Babe, that won’t happen.
We’re just going to go in there and hope for the best. Thats all we can do and I will be right by your side”
His words comforted me. I wiped my tears and stepped out of the vehicle.
Into the open space, we walked in.
It almost felt like a walk through the yard in an episode of prison break.
We arrived at the check in window and the lady asked me for my name and purpose for visiting
“Hi, my name is Zuliha and I’m here to see my mother; Adele Roberts”
She looked at her computer as she said
“Drivers license, please?”
I reached into my wallet and removed my card which I handed to her.
She typed something in the computer for a bit and then, handing my drivers license back to me, she said
“I’m sorry but we do not have a patient by that name here”
I was surprised.
I said
“Excuse me?
I spoke to the manager last week before coming out here. What do you mean she’s not here?”
The lady perked up and said
“Ma’am, we have no patient by that name here.
I’m sorry but I can’t help you”
I began to get irritated.
“What do you mean?
Are you trying to tell me that I drove 4+ hours for someone thats not here?
After I called the manager and got all the details?
Can you at least check the system? There must be a mistake”
She looked at me and with a straight face and said
“We cannot disclose details of our patients to non family members”
I wanted to jump across the desk and punch her in the face.
I was stunned.
And then Cole said
“Can we get the supervisor or a manager?”
She smirked and said
“He is in a meeting right now but you are more than welcome to sit and wait for him”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.
Like what the heck man.
How did I drive this far and after all this searching to not find my mother.
Why couldn’t the universe just afford me one victory?
Cole and I walked to the seats and sat down
“Babe, whats going on?”
He looked at me as he tried to contain his surprise
“I’m not sure but we’ll figure it out.
Okay?”
I couldn’t contain myself.
How could I have gotten so close, only to be stopped at the last minute and what do they mean by she’s not here?
I was starting to twitch. And uncomfortable tick with my foot as I waited.
It must have been about 10 minutes and then the managers door flung open.
Out came the manager and my father.
I just sat there in shock.
Cole looked at me expecting a response but I was in shock.
He looked at me and said
“Hello Zuliha”
I couldn’t even muster a response.
He shook the hand of the manager and headed out of the door.
I looked over to Cole and he said
“What The Heck Man”
The manager gave us the same lie the receptionist lady gave.
I was so overwhelmed and I started crying.
I had gotten my hopes up so much and to have that taken away was so heartbreaking.
Sobbing, my face covered in tears and snot, I entered the car and as we were about to drive off, there was a tap on the car window.
I wiped my tears as Cole let the window.
The receptionist lady said
“Hi,
I’m so sorry about earlier. I was just trying to keep my job but I wasn’t lying when I said your mother was not here.
She was up until last night.
The overnight staff told me that she was drugged and moved to another facility.
My guess is that it has something to do with you coming today.
Here is the name of the facility they took her to.
If you are her daughter, you may need the help of the police but you may be able to see her that way.
Again, I’m sorry and good luck”
She finished and scurried away.
The shock on Cole’s face was everything that the situation was.
“Something weird is going on and I’m going to figure it out”
I said as I stepped out of the car and standing outside the car, my dad drove up and said
“Zuliha, let it go.
You have lived all your life without her. Why do you need to talk to her now?”
I walked up to his car and said
“I know you’re doing this because I exposed your secret but don’t worry, I will get to the bottom of this one too and the world will see you for the dirty and incompetent father you are.
You can count on that.”
I walked back into my car and said to Cole
“Drive”
I was going for revenge and the gloves were off now.
Anything and anyone could be collateral damage but I was going to get my answers, regardless of who I had to take down in the process.
End of Part 3
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I continued walking around the house like I was carrying a secret.
Okay, a secret bigger than the one I was already carrying.
Well, my secret was already out.
But I didn’t feel liberated.
Now I felt like a pawn in an elaborate game, that could be sacrificed at anytime.
When I woke up the next morning, I laid in bed.
I just sat there and tried to understand what had happened before.
I replayed every word my sister had said and tried to fathom if it was true or not.
My heart raced as I replayed the words
“I want you to keep fucking my husband”
in my head.
How could she say that?
And how did she even know to begin with?
I needed answers.
As I walked out of my bed, I hoped my sister had already left the house.
When I entered the living area, it was empty.
A sigh of relief.
Entering the kitchen, I heard a gentle hum from the corner of the kitchen.
It was my sister making breakfast.
I walked in and opened the fridge without saying a word.
She stopped humming, turned and said
“Good morning Zuliha.
How did you sleep?”
With the door of the refrigerator still opened, I replied
“Good morning Irene”
She walked over to me, closed the door of the fridge and from less that a foot away from me, she looked me dead in the eyes and said
“Snap out of it.
I’m not asking you to kill anyone.
Just let things be as they were and we’ll all be fine
Okay?”
she was still standing that close to me when the kitchen door opened and her husband walked in
“Morning ladies”
he said with a smile as he headed for the coffee pot.
“What’s cooking?”
He threw in as he filled up his mug with a fresh brew of coffee.
Before anyone could answer, he walked up to Irene and held her from behind and whispered
“Last night was fun”
She smiled and he smiled.
“Eww guys”
I disgustingly chimed in as they held each other.
As I walked out of the kitchen, I couldn’t help but think, what was my sister playing at?
A divorce?
Power?
I was so confused and the tension was killing me.
I was going to find answers, one way or another.
…..
“So if I’m hearing you correctly, your sister found out that you have been sleeping with her husband and asked you to continue?”
I looked at her like I hadn’t just explained that and said
“Yes.
Exactly that”
She pulled off her glasses and leaned in
“So what does that bring up for you?”
she asked.
I paused for a second and then said
“I’m not entirely sure. I mean, I’m confused and somewhat nervous but I don’t really know.
Like…”
I sighed and leaned back in my reclining seat and then continued
“You know part of why I started coming to see you was to find myself. Since I found out that I was given up for adoption, I’ve been trying to find a place to anchor my life.
My sister and I have never been close.
Frankly, i think we have tolerated each other at best for years.
I think thats what made it easier to sleep with her husband really. We just don’t have a deep connection or maybe I’m just too messed up”
She scribbled in her notepad a bit and then asked
“So you believe that the absence of a connection with her, prevents you from caring about something like sleeping with her husband?”
“Yes and no”
I replied and then continued
“Do you know she was the one that told me I was adopted?
In the middle of an argument during my 18th birthday party… I can’t even remember what we were arguing about but I just recall that she yelled it out and all my friends heard it.
Now… moments like those are what contributed towards me hating her so much.
…I don’t even think I hate her, I just don’t feel anything towards her”
She didn’t write anything down this time around and she said
“So what do you want to do with it?
This entire situation….”
I sat up a bit and said
“I honestly don’t know. It’s just making me more vigilant.
I find that I am looking over my shoulder more because I don’t know what she’s up to.
I plan to find out soon enough though and then I can make my move”
she replied
“Okay.
Remember I am here if you need me”
I nodded and then I asked
“So what about the other stuff?
Any progress?”
She placed her notepad to the side of her seat and pulled out a folder from her purse.
Flipping through pages, she arrived at a list. She handed the list to me and said
“Those are the people we found nationwide with that name.
Because we don’t know her exact age or any other identifying information, the process might take longer as we narrow it down.
She’s in there somewhere, we just have to find her”
I smiled faintly and answered
“Thank you. I hope we do.
I’ve been searching for her all my life. Even when I didn’t know it”
I left her office still in an uncomfortable place but feeling a bit better.
As I got into my car, the radio turned on.
I don’t think there was a particular thing in my mind as I made my way home but I was suddenly washed with emotion.
I pulled over to the side of the road. Till the moment of writing this, I can’t pin point exactly why I was crying.
Maybe it was the fact that I was so close to figuring out who my mother was.
So many questions I wanted to ask, like
“why did you leave me?
Why couldn’t you love me enough to keep me?
Why didn’t you stop me from being tossed from home to home”
The tears just continued to flow without explanation.
I could feel my cries coming from depth within me. If there was ever a physical representation of my pain, it was in that space.
As I cried, it started to rain.
Minutes later, I heard a tap on the glass.
I couldn’t make out the face, so I clicked the auto lock button on the door and lowered the window a bit.
The man standing outside said
“Ma’am, are you alright?”
I realized I had been crying. I sniffled a bit and wiped my tears as I responded
“Yes. I just needed a moment”
It was a police officer.
He didn’t ask anymore questions, he just told me to take my time and be safe.
I waited a few minutes after he had driven off to leave.
Slow, driving home, I tried to gather myself for pulling into the driveway.
I sat in my car for about 15 minutes before I finally entered the house.
I headed into my room.
As I started taking my clothes off, I heard a gentle knock on the door.
It was Drey my sister’s husband.
I was only wearing my bra and my skirt.
He came up behind me and put his arms around me.
He leaned in to kiss me on my neck. I pushed him away and said
“I’m not in the mood”
He looked puzzled and outstretched his hands as he said
“What do you mean you’re not in the mood?
….Did I do something?”
I rolled my eyes and replied
“No but I’m just not in the mood”
He started to tease me and make jokes in an attempt to use humor to get what he wanted.
I wouldn’t budge.
He came very close and started tickling me.
I snapped and said
“I said I’m not in the mood!”
That one really got to him.
He stepped back and without saying a word, he walked out of the room.
I immediately feel horrible for going off on him but he wasn’t listening to me, so I let it pass.
…..
That entire evening, I never left my room.
I just watched shows and cycled through social media platforms all evening.
As I approached sleep, I suddenly heard loud arguing noises.
“Fuck you Drey!
….YOU have been wanting this baby but we agreed to wait 5years…
So what is the fucking rush now”
my sister yelled at her husband at the top of her voice.
I got off my bed and put clothes on and I started making my way out of the room.
I could hear them arguing and pacing.
He yelled back in a lower tone than hers
“Well, I want kids now! is that so bad???”
I opened my room door and entered the hallway when I heard her reply
“I am not keeping this baby and there is nothing you can make me do!
It’s my fucking body!”
He yelled back
“Can you even hear yourself???
You are my wife!
How can you be even talking about an abortion while we are married with no children??!
Are you mad??”
He looked so angry as I entered the living room and said
“What’s going on guys?
What happened?”
He turned and said
“Zuliha, stay out of it!”
I knew a bit of it was because I had turned him down earlier.
He was obviously still upset.
“I dont want to be part of it but when you are both yelling at each other, I just want to make sure everyone is safe”
He looked at me and said
“So we can’t have an argument as a couple in our own home???!”
I could tell he was at his limit.
My sister immediately jumped in and snarled back
“So now, my sister is making you uncomfortable in our home?
..because I won’t keep a baby. I don’t think we are ready for???”
I was shocked at how fast she jumped in to defend me but I turned to him and he said
“Just leave it alone!”
Irene looked at him and threw her hands up as she said
“You know what, I can’t do this.
I need space.”
She stormed out of the house, I presumed into the yard since she didn’t grab her keys.
Drey and I stood in silence for a second and then I walked up close to him and said
“So you think it is okay to yell at me because I refused to give you pussy?
So mature”
He hissed and snatched his car keys off the dining table and stormed out of the house.
A few moments later, I heard his car peel out of the driveway and into the night.
I sighed and headed outside.
Right on the doorstep, my sister Irene was sitting; crying.
For as much as I didn’t always feel for her, I felt bad for her.
I sat next to her and placed my hand on her back and gently rubbed it.
“Sis, whats going on?
You should be happy about this baby. Why are you so bent on not keeping it?”
She started sobbing even more and managed to mutter, you won’t understand.
I was surprised she thought I wouldn’t get it but I continued.
“Okay, tell me, maybe I can help and talk to him”
She hid her face in her palms and said
“No!
I don’t want you to talk to him”
“Okay but what is going on though, why are you crying so much?”
I inquired.
She turned her head towards me and said amidst a flood of tears
“The baby is not his”
I must admit, that caught me off guard.
It took me a minute to re-gather myself and then I asked the dreaded question.
“Okay, who’s is it?”
She sobbed even more.
For minutes, she just cried and said nothing. It seemed like it was so hard for her to bring herself to speak.
I patted her back and said
“It’s okay sis.
You can trust me”
I gave her a moment and then asked again
“Who’s baby is it?’
She looked at me and with a call for help she replied
“Daddy’s”
Zuliha 3 will be out on Saturday. PLEASEEEEEEEEEE COMMENT AND SHARE!!!!!!!
Leave a comment below or two. And yes, it is #WhatTheHeckMan
Only a short while to go before the skies parted for the sun to arise.
You could hear the crows and their morning call.
In homes around the area, you could hear the moving engines that are people, as they prepared for the new day.
The keys clanked on the front door as I let myself in.
The cold from the Harmattan morning froze beneath my nails.
“I should have worn gloves.” I thought to myself as I dropped the mail on the receptionist desk. I was the first one here most days.
It was the safest place.
Church.
Cliche, as most people claim it as the home of their safety but it truly was that for me.
I have always had a questionable relationship with the church; or God.
But the events of the last few years have been truly humbling.
The way things moved or transpired, I continue to be amazed by how quickly it all changed.
And how everything I thought was not what it was.
I turned on the lights in the main auditorium.
Glancing at the huge wall clock behind me, the time showed 6:48am.
A few paces, and I was back to the technical department where I handled the visual display for the first service on Sundays.
Tuning things in preparation for the welcome chaos that was Thanksgiving Sunday, I realized that it was now 7am.
I needed to check if my brother, Dimeji, had woken up to get my sons Matthias and Tomas ready for church.
He was notorious for not waking up on time, the type to set 5 consecutive alarms to finally wake up.
I tapped my pocket and realized that I had left my phone in my car.
The keys to the church were sitting on the other end of the auditorium. I considered walking all the way across to grab them before going outside but I decided against it.
Figuring that if I left the door slightly open, I would make it to my car and back before the door could shut.
The phone was ringing as I walked back to the auditorium and then I heard it.
Click.
I looked up at the door, as I walked slowly, praying that somehow the door hadn’t shut itself.
By now, I’m sure you know how that went.
It was locked.
And there I was with my phone to my ear and then I heard Dimeji say on the other end in his slurred wake up voice,
“…What’s up bros?”
“Never mind.
Get them ready ”
I replied.
At that moment, the feeling of being stuck out in the cold was all too familiar.
I had made another wrong choice again but this time, someone would let me back in.
The last time I made a decision this big?
Well let me just tell you the story and you can decide how big your #WhatTheHeckMan would be.
……
“E gbe epo wa”
Roughly translating to “bring the fuel”
Voices piercing the skies laced with anger and discontent, in the familiar pandemonium that is Lagos. People gathered on the side of the street as the yelling continued,
“Eh! Eh!
Burn him!
Burn him!!!”
I didn’t immediately run over to offer my help.
The truth here is that through my time living in this state or even country, I have usually avoided situations like this.
There is an unwritten rule in the state that is home to one of the largest economies in the world; “mind your business”.
I turned to the right and headed towards the quickly assembling crowd. I moved my phone to my pocket and began pushing my way through the crowd.
“E file na”
“Leave him alone”
The angry crowd beginning to douse him in petrol, getting ready to torch him for some crime.
I quickly gathered that he was alleged to have stolen a woman’s purse.
Neither the purse nor the full story were confirmed missing.
But in the streets of Lagos, you are guilty till proven otherwise.
“E fi sile”
Translating to leave him alone I said.
“Maa fun yin l’owo”
I yelled at the top of my lungs. A few things make Lagos and it’s inhabitants popularly known as Lagosians tick.
Money sits atop that list, never troubled.
My last statement caused some of the parties involved to slow down.
The man was drenched in petrol and all that really was left would be the unfortunate presence of some form of a lighter.
“Let the man go, I’ll give you money for the purse”
I repeated myself as they began to let go of the man.
One man looked at me, unwilling to give up this opportunity to right the wrongs life had put him through. He said,
“Why?!
You know him? Is he your family?”
I almost smiled at his weak attempt at resistance. I reached into my suit jacket and pulled out my check book.
The lady in question and her defence team now shifted their focus to me.
It really was a smooth transaction.
She claimed to have items worth 400,000 Naira inside her purse, if you factored in her iPad and her phone.
A check was written up and I handed it to her.
She thanked me and left.
The man in question, rose up and began thanking me for saving his life.
I told him it was God and not my doing but I couldn’t watch him be tormented like that.
He continued to thank me.
I asked him where he lived and he said,
“Surulere”
After negotiating with a cab driver and paying him, the man was on his way.
I wasn’t entirely sure he was innocent but he didn’t have the purse with him for starters.
And who deserves to be burned to death over what was potentially fake leather.
I took off my suit jacket and opened up my car, placing it on the back seat. I grabbed my phone and it began to ring.
“Babe, where are you?”
She asked,
I could hear the stress in her voice. Who knew that planning ones glorious day, could bring so much preparatory stress.
I looked both ways before I crossed the street as I continued talking,
“I’m just walking into the place to check on the drink order and give them the deposit”
She sighed on the other end of the line as I opened the door into the building.
The receptionist greeted me with a smile and paused as she waited for me to finish with my phone call
“Babe, why are you just getting there?
You were supposed to be there an hour ago. you know we still have the rehearsal at 7.
We don’t have that much time”
I nodded as if she could see me. She was tense.
I was too but someone had to always level us out.
That was how we worked.
I smiled and reminded myself not to say “calm down”, unless I was looking to stare death in the face and prepared to lose.
“Wura, I’m coming.
I know you’re stressed. I’ll be there soon”
I could tell she rolled her eyes.
There was a way she always did it.
“Just hurry up!
I’m having to deal with all these people myself and it’s too much”
She hung up before I could respond.
I knew I had to get home as quickly as I could. Wura wasn’t one to “crumble” under pressure but if you know weddings in Lagos these days, you would know that pressure doesn’t even come close to what people go through.
It had been 3 years since I started dating Wura. The next day, our wedding day, would mark the beginning of the 4th.
And ultimately the rest of our lives.
Wura loved me.
I state that by itself because I want to emphasize it.
The woman loved me into my bones. To the places I never knew love could reach.
I had promised myself to never return to the place of vulnerability that love exposes.
Wura did it.
She found her own way to take my heart away.
Cliche again but she did and I had to find a way to pay her back.
Starting with returning to the rehearsal hall on time.
On my drive back, I got a call from a Tobi. My medical school buddy from Canada.
He was calling to inform me of his safe arrival back home.
I was pleased to hear his voice because Tobi introduced me to Sayid, my best friend, almost 12 years before.
Fresh into school and the cold days in Canada, Sayid and Tobi kept me connected to home.
Tobi had gone to University of Ibadan and introduced me to Sayid who had attended the University of Ilorin with me.
I never actually knew Sayid while at University of Ilorin, he graduated a year before me but we instantly hit it off.
It was always a great time around him from the music, to the stories and the constant laughs.
We grew close very quickly.
When I pulled up into the rehearsal hall’s parking lot, Sayid met me outside,
“She’s pissed bro”
I pressed the car remote to lock the doors as I walked towards the entrance.
There she was, ever so beautiful, even in her frustrated state.
I mouthed,
“I am sorry baby”
as I approached and flashed a smile at her.
She tried to fight her smile but she soon started smiling.
Inside, I was relieved because Wura had the tendency to go over the deep end if she felt slighted or disrespected.
The rehearsal was pretty painless.
“Stand here, walk this fast, look here… who will have the rings?”
For two hours and then it was all done.
There were some refreshments provided to the wedding party and other friends present before we all set out.
The guys were staying with me at my father’s house in Lekki while the girls stayed at Wura’s aunts house in the heart of Victoria Island.
I was the last one to leave.
Walking back into the hall, I headed all the way to the front.
I took my position as I scanned the room, in less than twenty four hours, I was going to be marrying the woman I loved right in that spot.
A quick flashback to where we had been as my eyes welled up. I quickly dried them as I began to recite my vows.
“Wuraola, you are the essence that gives my life purpose
Through loving you, I have discovered what life can be in many ways
To have someone in your corner
To listen to your troubles and your fears
There is something about the way you love me
That makes me want to be a better man
I am lucky to have found you
So Wuraola
I can’t promise to always know
But I promise that I will never stop at okay
I promise to love you with all of me
To protect you
Cherish you
Adore you
Honor you
Be your friend
And everything you need me to be along the way
I am thankful to God that I am about to embark on this journey with you
Thank you for loving me too”
There was a level of honesty to that piece.
It still brings tears to my eyes as I think of them.
But those were the words that rang true for me. Wura gave me a new purpose in love and I wanted her to know it.
I lingered around for a few minutes and then headed to the car.
As I sat in the car, I reached for my phone and noticed I had two missed calls.
I didn’t recognize the number, so I listened closely to the voicemail.
“Hey Diji, it’s Bimbo.
Long time, I know you’re getting married soon and I was just hoping we could talk before.
If it’s not possible, I understand.
I will just like to have one proper talk with you before you go off into the sacred land.
If that’s okay with you.
I’m staying at my place on the way to your house. Let me know if you can stop by.”
I listened to it twice.
Her voice still ringing between my ears as I placed the phone down. I hadn’t spoken to Bimbo in almost two years when I had called to let her know that I was proposing to Wura.
Bimbo and I had been together since before I went to Canada for medical school and we continued our long distance relationship.
Bimbo and Wura were completely different people.
Everyone that knew us, thought that I would marry Bimbo. The stars looked aligned for it.
We started out as kids and grew into full fledged adults. But life and it’s unpredictability happened and we broke up.
A lot of the things that happened between us could have been avoided; better communication I would say.
But Bimbo and I broke up and ultimately started dating other people.
When Wura came along, I was dating somebody else but we started out as friends.
Once that relationship ended, it was easier for us to start.
But I don’t think I ever stopped loving Bimbo.
Sometimes I had to convince myself that loving her was the wrong choice.
I rationalized the decision, but I always felt something was missing.
That night, I shouldn’t have gone to Bimbo’s house but I did.
I knocked on the door and a few seconds later, she answered.
No, she wasn’t dressed in anything sexy or seductive. It was just her.
The way her smile brightened my heart, I stepped in and hugged her.
There was a warmth that emanated from her.
It wasn’t just physical.
Suddenly, I started to feel like my coming there was a mistake.
I still had some feelings for Bimbo.
We began talking and catching up.
She told me that she had just gotten a job working for a law firm on the Mainland and she was happy to be back in Nigeria.
I felt my heart skip a beat.
Having to live so close to the woman I sometimes feel I should have married?
It wasn’t all rosy between Bimbo and I, our families for one did not get along or make any attempts to understand each other.
So we were always swimming against the current.
Hours had gone by and before I realized it, it was a bit past 2am.
Not a single bone in me wanted to leave.
So we kept talking and at one point, Bimbo suggested we watch our favourite movie together “The Usual Suspects.”
When I was in Canada and she moved to work in Tottenham, England; we would stay up late watching movies via FaceTime.
It was the first time in many years, that we actually sat down to watch a movie together.
Mid way through the movie, she turned over and whispered,
“Thank you”
I smiled and asked,
“What for?”
She looked down and said,
“For coming”
I smiled and she smiled too.
Enough was said.
…..
Darkness.
I slowly yawned as I struggled to get my eyes to open.
Scratching the side of my face and my beard, I twisted and turned.
A long stretch and I was awake.
What would happen next would change everything. I looked to my right and someone was sleeping next to me.
I was confused.
Where was I?
Then, it began to come back to me. I was at Bimbo’s house.
Did I sleep there?
Oh no!
My wedding!
I hoped to God that it was still early enough, I began to search for my phone.
Noticing it on the bed side cabinet, I reached up to get it. As I pressed the side button, the 46 missed calls did not stand out to me as much as the time did.
It read 11.52am.
I was a dead man.
I let out a squeal, waking up Bimbo as I cursed under my breath.
Oh, this was bad!
Really bad.
Bimbo slowly woke up and said,
“Dj, what happened?”
Standing at the foot of the bed cutting this dejected figure, I said
“I am fifty two minutes late to my own wedding”
She looked at me puzzled and reached for her phone to confirmed the time as she sprung out of the bed.
“What do we do?”
she asked.
I began to reach for my shoes on my side of the bed when I noticed an empty condom wrapper, right next to my left shoe.
I reached down and picked it up. Holding up, I looked at Bimbo and then back at the wrapper.
Swallowing hard and slow, I asked Bimbo,
“Did we?”
The look on her face said it all.
I just wanted the ground to open up and swallow me whole.
The End
“BEHIND THE WRITER”
IMPORTANT NOTICE:“Behind The Writer” edition #2 is BACK. Basically, I will spend that piece answering questions all of you have for me during the week of my birthday in
January.
So PLEASE LEAVE YOUR QUESTIONS IN THE COMMENT SECTIONS BELOW. AS MANY AS 10 per person. I’ll pick the TOP 25 I like and answer them for you all in that piece! I’M DOING THIS SO ALL MY READERS, SUPPORTERS AND WHOEVER ELSE IS LEFT CAN GET TO KNOW THE WRITER A BIT MORE AND UNKNOWN THINGS ABOUT ME.
