“You stupid bastard!”
I yelled as Darrell held me back.
Mfon clutched his face as he recovered from the heat and shock that just slapped him.
I wanted to strangle him.
“You stupid piece of shit. You really had me out here crying over your sorry ass!”
I was spewing all sorts of curses on his head.
All I remember was being carried out of the restaurant.
My fingers were sticky from some of the coffee. I was dripping in rage as the once sweet syrup that soaked our love, now tasted like stale burnt bread.
As I waited for Darrell to come out of the now chaotic restaurant. The police showed up.
They walked right past us and into the restaurant. Darrell, came out and we got into the car.
He didn’t speed or anything.
He just drove.
We arrived back at the house and he turned off the engine.
Mine was still running-overdrive.
I was filled with so much anger.
It truly felt like I had been injected with a cocktail of emotions. At an alarming speed, my brain was combing through emotions.
He quietly exited the car and walked into the house.
I just sat there; thinking and scheming.
I wanted to get him back.
I wanted to make him pay. This man put his hands on me.
And left marks that scarred beyond the physical. There was a mixture of failure and a resolution to make him pay, in the worst ways.
I considered telling his family members and the entire Nigerian community.
If only I was truly that wicked but I knew I couldn’t bring myself to do it.
I almost felt cuffed by the institution. But I only had myself to blame.
After all, I went in there and asked them to join me to this worthless being.
I hated the church.
I hated my family.
Questioned my own instincts and suddenly I arrived at it; I blamed Bella.
I must have been in the car for a minute because when I walked in Darrell was asleep.
I headed straight for the shower after I placed my purse down.
The water was really hot. I lowered myself to the floor of the shower and just allowed the water to beat my skin.
Each drop burned but not as much as every memory that floated into my mind.
I really wanted to not think about him. I thought of the two years wasted.
Of all the things I put on hold for the betterment of this man.
I swear, I felt used.
My mind went back to our wedding night.
How handsome he looked in that tuxedo. How his smile lit up the room and tickled my pink.
How I couldn’t wait to be his wife. How I couldn’t wait to cook for him. Pray for and with him. Hold him up.
How I couldn’t wait for him to enter me in the worst ways. And then he threw it all away for someone else. Much less another man.
I started crying and I didn’t know I was loud until I heard Darrell come in.
“Babe, are you okay?”
I didn’t bother to stop crying.
He came in closer and said,
“Bella, are you okay?”
“I’m okay. I just want to be by myself”
I replied through water.
He stopped in his tracks and said,
“But Bella, I am here for you.”
I could feel his helplessness but I truly just wanted to be alone.
I heard him exit the bathroom.
The shower was not refreshing. I walked out feeling physically clean and emotionally soiled.
I dried myself off and walked into the room.
He was sitting upright in the dark on his phone. As I walked into the room, he placed his phone down and the room was pitch black except for the lighting from the DVR beneath the television.
I hit the light switch and the room lit up.
Standing by the bathroom door with a glum face, I opened my mouth and tried to speak but the words didn’t come out.
I could see the anticipation in his eyes, he wanted to know what he could do to fix it for me.
But there was no short fix.
I stood there and tried again.
This time the words came out.
“Darrell, I’m pregnant.”
His eyes grew big and he seemed excited for a brief second and then it vanished.
He then said,
“Is it mine?”
My head dropped.
“No, its not.”
He got up and walked to me.
His arms provided the warmth and his heart the safety I needed. He wrapped them around me and kissed my forehead.
I wasn’t sure how things would play out but in that moment I felt safe.
The weeks slowly added up and I fully moved in to Darrell’s place. He was still shuttling between both cities and I would stay in the house when he was gone.
I was still in love with this man.
It was happening with each passing day.
I would find myself picking up the nuggets from my last experience and trying to apply them with Darrell.
He was so sweet and considerate. I could see him going the extra mile for me and wanting to take care of me.
My belly was growing and my anger towards Mfon was reducing.
I was feeling myself allowing him back in.
I really did not want to forgive but I could not hold my anger.
The days were long as I worked part time and mostly from home. I had too much time on my hands.
Mfon would call and try to explain himself. Our families also wouldn’t take their foot off the gas.
Everyone wanted me to forgive him for the sake of the baby.
You see my view was that I had always hesitated around bringing a baby into the world. And now I was going through with it, with a man I could not trust. So I had to be sure, I protected my child and most importantly my own life.
One evening, I was in the worst of moods.
In limbo, I hated where I was. Mid divorce, pregnant and living in the house of another man.
I think when I envisioned my life as a woman, none of those things came to mind as possibilities.
So I felt unfulfilled and behind schedule. Angry at myself and some of the decisions that got me there.
I was in my feelings as Darrell returned from a long shift.
In my mind, I knew that it was the best time for the kind of conversation I was about to start with him. But somewhere in there, I needed that validation. I needed to hear him say the things I wanted to hear.
“How was your day?”
I asked him as he unbuttoned his shirt.
Without looking at me, he replied,
“It was good. Just really long”
I went quiet for a bit and then I said,
“I was thinking today…what are we doing here?”
He glanced at me and said,
“What do you mean?”
“I just want to know what we are doing here. This baby, getting the divorce, living with you. I just want to know. What are your plans?
Why am I here?”
He looked confused as he slid on his shorts. He said,
“We have talked about this before and I think you know my intentions. So why is this coming up?”
I scoffed and said,
“You know what, never mind.”
He growled in frustration and said,
“Bella, you know thats mad annoying. Can you please just tell me whats going on?”
I knew I had him. But I couldn’t just bring myself to speak up then.
“Darrell its nothing really”
He was trying so hard to not lose his cool. He sighed as he came and sat next to me.
He asked me again,
“Bella, if something is the matter, can you lets just talk about it now.
There is no reason to start something and then say nothing.”
I still didn’t respond.
He waited a few minutes and then he sighed really loudly and got up.
As he was about to talk, I spoke,
“So what am I to you?
This version of a wife in your home. Am I just here so you can feel good about yourself?
Do you even care about me?… Like wtf happens when this baby comes?
You’ll just be over me”
I looked at his face as I stopped talking. Shock, anger, disappointment and disgust all mixed in one.
He took a step back and said,
“Bella, are you fucking serious right now?”
I looked away. He didn’t say much after that.
“Bella, you know better and you are just wrong for all that. I have nothing to say.
I’ll sleep in the other room.”
He exited the room and I think that sent me over the edge.
Now I was so angry at myself because I didn’t get what I wanted and there was no hope of me getting it.
I cried that night as I felt empty.
He never left that room all night.
The next morning, he was gone before I woke up.
I went into the room, hoping to apologize and he wasn’t there.
I tried to go about my day, hoping to apologize for my childish behavior later that night.
So when I heard a knock on the door around midday, I was nervously excited. I thought he had come back from work early and we were going to squash things.
I made my way to the door and opened it up without looking through the peephole and there he was.
“Mfon, what are you doing here?”
I was surprised and certainly taken aback.
He tried to smile.
“I had to see you, Bella”
“How did you get this address?”
“I just asked the right questions. Can I come in?”
I replied with a sharp,
He nodded and continued,
“Well I just wanted to let you know that I want your forgiveness and I am willing to work for it.
But more importantly, I am not letting go. I want to be in the life of my child, so I will do everything possible”
I nodded and said,
“I have nothing against you being in the life of our child but I just want to be clear that we are over.
I would really appreciate if you just signed the papers and allowed the courts to do their job.
This whole year has been stressful enough. I just want to move on”
Still standing at the foot of the stairs, he looked up to me and said,
“I’m not signing those papers”
I couldn’t believe the words coming out of his mouth. I wanted to jump on him and bite his neck off.
“Are you fucking kidding me? After everything!
You better sign those papers or I will make your life a living hell Mfon, a living hell!”
I was fuming and yelling at the top of my lungs when I noticed Darrell’s car pulling up.
He parked in the driveway and hopped out.
Mfon turned and started to back away.
As he walked away, he said,
“I’ll be in touch”
Darrell walked past him as he nodded.
As he got close to me and said,
“What did he want?”
I turned around and walked into the house.
Darrell followed me in and said,
“Bella, are you okay?”
I turned and said,
No I’m not okay!
He’s not letting me move on”
Darrell moved closer to me and then he took my hand.
He looked down at me as I looked up to him and very softly, he said,
I couldn’t believe the words. I stepped back and said,
He didn’t bat an eye.
He repeated himself,
“Marry me Bella”
All I could think was WhatTheHeckMan.
I was on a cloud.
In a different planet to be very honest.
The stars were beneath my toes and I felt so happy.
The way Darrell took care of me, ladies would understand. He checked the boxes and I could see a great father in him.
The lawyers were doing their work and the divorce process was nearing a close.
We had started looking at homes in the area and preparing for our next chapter.
Everything was falling in place.
I was returning from the grocery store that Sunday evening. As I emptied the trunk and I was taking the groceries into the house, a car pulled up and an older woman came out.
She stopped me and said,
“You must be Bella”
I nodded and said,
“Yes and you are?”
She smiled and said,
“My name is Tabitha and I am Darrell’s mother.”
I felt a twitch. I had heard so much about her and I was very sad that we hadn’t properly met.
“Oh my God!
It’s so nice to meet you ma. Come in!”
She smiled really big and took in my hug before pulling away and becoming very serious.
She looked at me and said,
“So are you ready to be a mother?”
I smiled and nodded as I said,
“Yes ma. I am excited”
She shook her head and then pointed to the back seat of the car she had just exited. Then she said,
“Not to the baby inside of you. A mother to that child.
She looked at me and I looked at her.
No words were said but there was something deep I felt.
Oh Lord, say it with me y’all What The Bloody Heck Man!
Return for the concluding Part of the Bella series on Saturday!
Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated.
© 2016 #WhatTheHeckMan