I hate the highs and lows of life.
But I guess I like them because you feel alive. After spending most of April harnessing and choosing joy, May has been a bit more reserved so far.
I’ve struggled with my joy for the past few days.
Life feels “more difficult” – this is not a suicidal thought but boy do I wish I could turn it all off.
Just disappear.
I don’t want to be anyone’s anything.
I want silence.
I want to feel solely responsible for me. But I guess there is the balance of knowing what God has put in you or his purpose for you, so no I don’t get to not be connected.

I feel tired this week.
This video here probably encapsulates how I feel the most right now.
https://x.com/Tmarrvell/status/1787519460011573435

I’ve woken up the last couple of days feeling heavy. I don’t know what happened.
I think I have had a lingering question about something for the last few weeks and this past weekend/this week, I think the realization finally hit me.
I’ve been trying to process my life.
Think straight and understand how to separate my feelings from my realities.
I don’t know how I stumbled on it but I woke up and stumbled on an instagram live with Pastor Noble G and TitotheWriter.
It was great to hear his story and how he approaches worship – listen to him and others in my Gospel playlists here. ALL LINKS HERE
I just felt so overwhelmed that I started crying in the car on the way to the gym.

I know you people won’t assume I am a cry baby but omo, I be crying sometimes o.
Just flushed with emotions and heaviness – I just have to let it all out.
I mostly do it while worshipping and turning it into prayer but sigh.
If you read last week’s blogpost, maybe it flowed into this week but I think I would rather not have anyone than feel like I have to be responsible for everyone.

Thinking about how my life continues to evolve, I have found that I have strength in my vulnerabilities. I wear them like badges because they are my feelings – my realities, my truths.
And how some would like for me to hide how I feel, simply baffles me.
The places where I have thrived the most have been where I have been able to be and bring my full self.

When I got to the grocery store after the gym, I had a full breakdown in the parking lot – I am not even sure why.
Trauma is the thing that makes you suffer in silence in the name of not transferring hurt to someone else despite them hurting you or not being able to satisfy your own needs.

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I recently got put on to Sugarwish cookies – I got them from work. They are sooo good! (No this is NOT an AD)
I hacked it when I started to slightly warm up the cookies and then go in with a scoop of Talenti’s Gelato over it. It’s become one of my go to sweet desserts.
But after weeks of not having any, I had it a few days ago and it was so mid.
I was so upset that I had hyped it up in my head and when I had it, I fell flat.

I also got to experience something that I had been thinking about for the past three years.
I finally got to hold it up close and I couldn’t understand why it didn’t generate the feeling I wanted.
The lessons I took away from that are 1. Sometimes the things we truly love and enjoy will sometimes not hit the high notes for us. 2. It’s okay for something to not light fireworks immediately – give it time.

Lastly, people are not confused.
They can try harder for you. They can be intentional. They can be flexible.
They can invest in you.
They are choosing not to do that with you and that’s okay.
It’s their choice but do not make that your fault.
Today, choose to be responsible for your own joy. Go forth.

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You are highly appreciated.

#WordsOfWednesday

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