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Against Counsel – Part 3

Against Counsel
Part III

A cloud hovered over the home. There was a dreary silence that consumed the place.
It was palpable.
You could almost touch the discomfort around the house.
She barely said anything, my sister.
The evening dragged along, I couldn’t wait for the night to come.
I know my sister.
She is the type to not speak when she is upset or angry. Mostly out of the fear of being hurtful but this was different, she was hurt into silence.

We put the girls to sleep together. As we walked out of their room, she started to move faster, I lunged to grab her.
She shook off my reach and ran into her bedroom, slamming the door shut behind her.
She slid down behind the door and I could hear it.
Her tears.
My heart shattered.

“Abike, please open the door”

She didn’t respond.
I could hear her sobbing louder. Her husband approached the hallway but stood at a distance.

“Sis, I know you are upset. Please can we just talk?”

She sniffled and said

“go away! I don’t want to talk to you…”

I quickly quipped back

“I am not going anywhere until you open this door”

She went silent for a moment and then I heard her shuffle on the floor. The door opened.
I walked in and I turned to my left. There she sat on the floor, her back on the door.
She was crying.

I walked to the right of the room and sat on the bed.

“Abike, I am sorry.”

She looked up at me, almost like my words were a verified lie and said

“Sorry?
You kept all of this from me. Me????
Of all people! I come to you with everything!
Everything! I tell you all that is going on with me and my life and you keep this from me?!
And now you want to claim that you are sorry?!
How am I supposed to take that Adeola? How?!”

I was already crying when she stopped talking. I was trying to find the right words to explain everything but all I could come up with was

“I am sorry”

She stood up and said

“Stop saying that!”

I snapped and yelled as I got up

“What do you want me to say?!!!!
What do you fucking want me to say?!…. How was I supposed to pick up the phone and tell my little sister that my husband of almost a decade has been cheating on me with another man, or that I am dying?! Tell me how!

….I understand this is hard for you but come on!
I am the one who is dying here and it’s not even the cancer that has been killing me, it’s having to hide and put on a front that I am fine when I am clearly not. That’s the painful part. So cut me some slack….

 

…..I’ve lived this life and nothing to show for it. A wrecked home and I’m leaving the ones I love. Everything I worked hard for, I’m losing.”

I slumped back onto the bed and she walked up to me.
As she sat next to me on the bed, she placed her hands around me and said

“I’m sorry sis. I’m scared”

Tears down both our faces, as we leaned our heads into each other.
We just sobbed together.
Suddenly she stopped and she looked at me.
I turned my head to the right and looked at her. Both of us at eye level and then she said

“I don’t know how yet, but we are going to beat this thing”

All i could say in reply was

“Thank you”

……

I was babysitting the girls on a Saturday night while their parents attended a church event. I believe I was scrolling through Facebook – something I had done significantly less because it always reminded me of how much I didn’t have.

Wunola made a noise because her sister hit her arm. I quickly sprang up from my seat.
They quickly resolved the issue and as I sat back down, I realized that children were something I was not going to have.
There was already pain of not having children for so long. In a weird way, there was some relief.
Maybe I wasn’t meant to have children after all. Like it was all God’s plan.
Imagine a world where I had to leave a child behind?
I firmly believe that it would have hurt me even more than I was feeling in that moment.

I kept thinking about my life and my “legacy”.
For some, it is to leave a business behind that thrives and makes wealth for their children.
For some, it is to be impactful and be remembered for good things.
I think it was in that moment I really realized that there was more to do in life even without children and a husband.
I loved these little girls and I had done so much for myself already.
I looked down at them and I whispered to myself

“I’m going to beat this thing”

…..

The next morning, I was up very early.
Before everyone in the house. It was around 4am.
I was just staring at the ceiling and wondering how things could have been different.
Would it have been different if I had married someone else?
Stayed in the States?
Become a lawyer instead of a counselor?

Thoughts ran through my head.
I began to remember when Tobias and I were first picking baby names when I first thought I was pregnant.
This was two years into our marriage.
There was no way I could have seen all of this coming. Tobias was so excited. He was sure we would have girls and he would protect them.
You should have seen the way his face would light up as he painted a perfect future for our children.
I was in dreamland.
Now here I was trying to figure out if I had been played all along.

As preacher of “the signs are always there”, I felt like I had let myself down.
There was such guilt and disappointment in myself and my choices.
But then I remembered all the times I was being put down for not having children and how he held me up.
He was really there for me.
So how do you fake that?

 

I remember a night when we got into a heated fight.
It was about the fact that he went out with his boys and didn’t contact me for almost two days.
He explained that he just needed time. I started wondering why he would do that.
Was he already seeing that man then?
A part of me wanted answers, so I picked up my phone and I dialed out.
A sleepy Lizzy picked the phone on the other side.
I spoke as she muffled

“Hello”

My reply was short

“Let my clients know that I am back at work starting Monday”

She smiled and said

“Yes ma”

You are right, I changed my mind. The past didn’t deserve my energy.
The future needed all of what I had left, if I was going to beat this thing.

……

I returned to work the following week and I was crushing it.
My body was struggling to keep me up. I would randomly get weak but I couldn’t stop fighting.
Lizzy recommended treatment abroad and I was starting to consider going to stay with my cousin in Atlanta.

She drove me to my check up at the hospital.
As we were talking, I started to feel like myself in my mind but clearly not in my body.
The doctor came in and asked if I wanted Lizzy to be present as he shared the results, I told him I was fine with it.
He was about to read them to me, when we heard a knock on the door.

The door slowly opened and Abike and her husband peered into the room.
Smiles on their faces as they came in.

“What are you guys doing here?”

I asked as I kissed Abike on the cheek.
She smiled and said

“Uhh… we came to support you. Duh…”

I felt so warm inside.
The doctor, smiling, asked if I wanted him to come back to read the results, I told him no.
This was my family and my backbone.
As he again was about to start, he was interrupted. This time by Abike.
She said

“Sis, I know you are probably going to hate me for this but I think there is something you need to do before all this.
well someone you should speak to”

I rolled my eyes.
They ambushed me.
I was trying to be annoyed when the door opened and Tobias walked in with my favorite flowers.
I quickly said

“If you think a bouquet of flowers will do anything, then you are grossly mistaken”

He placed them on the bed and said

“Adeola, I am really sorry for all that has happened….

…I want to be here for you as much as I can. Please forgive me and give me the chance to fight this thing with you. Please…”

I looked up at him and said

“There is so much we need to talk about before any of that can happen and I can’t do that right now…

…Doc, please read the results. This is my ex-husband but this saves me the trip of explaining the updates to him”

Everyone in the room was quiet.
The doctor broke the awkward silence and said

“Well… from the last time you were here, we found some irregularities in the test.
That was why we had you come in again, so soon.
…Ummm from these tests that we just ran. We found out that you are 2 months pregnant.”

The entire room gasped.
My heart sunk. What was this going to mean?
What would happen to this unborn being?
I finally said

“Run the test again”

As I finished, he said

“I expected you to be shocked, which is why I had the test run three different times in our facility and one time in a neighboring facility.
Miss Adeola, you are pregnant. Congratulations”

The doctor excused himself and as the door shut behind him, I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me whole.
What a nightmare!
As I was trying to get back on track, life throws this at me again.

I looked around and everyone was in shock. No one was able to say a word.
A few seconds went by and then I looked up to Tobias and said

“I guess you’re going to be a daddy after all”

His face got sullen and he said

“I don’t think that’s what is going to happen here unfortunately”

I asked

“What do you mean?

He replied and said

“I am just being transparent thats all. That baby is not mine”

I got up from my seat and slapped him.

“How dare you?!”

I muttered to him.

“What do you mean this baby is not yours?

He said

“Because this is not my child. I got a vasectomy 5 years ago.
No way in hell that baby is mine”

The whole room froze and I felt my soul exit my body. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

Lizzy squealed and I asked

“Will you be here next week for the concluding part of this series?”

I hope to find you here. Don’t worry, catch your breath and I’ll meet you back here next week for the concluding part of this captivating series.
It’s WTHM and #SanmiSaturdays

Against Counsel – Part 3 by The Wordsmith @adewus4real

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#SanmiSaturdays
© 2017 #WhatTheHeckMan

#WhatTheHeckMan · #WordsofWednesday · Bloggers · Poetry

You Ruined Our Home

The variations and the parallels are endless
The things and ways we remain similar will leave you speechless
I’ve met certain from which the encounter has left me breathless
But others I’ve met and realized that many people remain tasteless
See I’ve betrayed trust and I’ve let folks down
I’ve forgotten values and in many ways, I’ve let doubt abound
Easily it comes in and shatters relationships
It puts them in a chokehold and slowly strangles the life out of them
Now we all lay lifeless and hurt from all the drama and bullshit
Man
Hurt is one conversation I don’t want to revisit

…..

The heart of man is desperately wicked the bible says
And I swear that plays out in unique situations every day
Men stab men in their faces
Women aren’t too far behind in the races
See we can say our parents and the generation before us taught us better
But the truth is
Did anyone really bother?
From coups to stolen husbands
To deaths just to acquire more bands we are a lost few
Righteous today but we fade quickly like the morning dew

…..

Did you ever understand how easy it is to lose your way?
How quickly the plot gets lost in the day to day
Some of us camp on Twitter all day
Looking for our next prey
We stalk the TL’s
Trying to pick fights from the latest dumb shit “bae” said today
The slander is endless
A new victim every day
But the true victim most cases is you
Because it’s you who failed to stay true

…..

The person you portray to the world
Should be the same across the board
Regardless of the location
Your true identity to should have no variations
But we change
And let our morals and ethics go
As we drift out of range
I’m not immune don’t get me wrong
I wrote this with a heavy heart
But so my name could be on your tongue
I swear if I could sing my feelings I would put them in a song
But the truth remains
You’ll only hear me for how long??

…..

My heart has been broken from friends to friends
I said that twice because the difference is not clear
They are some people you’ll always go to bat for
But those are the ones you pray never ever hurt you at all
Sad to say but they are the ones that can hurt you where you can call
For help or even a reason to again stand tall
Never underestimate your influence before you mane a friend fall
Like me here crying my feelings while curled up into a ball

…..

I heard someone I loved say horrible things about me
It broke my heart
But I only blame myself because I should have known from the start
This life is not a game
But someone has to lose and it’s a shame
I only ask that you never forget my name
Because broken hearted preventing your hurt will be my only aim
I plan on remaining the same
Truthful as possible and not on the losing side in this game
Now with this feeling I might rise to fame
But please be a true friend and always help me stay the same

….

I’ve never set out to hurt anyone
But I have been hurt a lot
Repeatedly in situations when betrayal or hurt was an afterthought
I don’t expect you to understand but I know you do
But you might relate if the same things has happened to you
I write this in the dark of my heart
Waiting for a spark
It’s hard to hold faith
When your heart is repeatedly torn apart.

#WhatTheHeckMan Written in my car.
Sometimes people without warning place their hearts in our hands. It is our job to keep it safe. Guarded against the problems and trials of life as best as we can. You are responsible for many you don’t even realize. Never betray the trust of someone, no matter how minute it might be. You don’t know what door you might close forever if you open the wrong wounds.

….

All of that above the line, was written in 2014.
It is now 3 weeks shy of the exact time I posted that piece in 2014. Here I am feeling worse pain than I have ever felt before.

Tonight I got off the phone with a true friend. One that I have let down.
Greatly.
Sometimes people wonder why I write about myself so openly but I write because sometimes I can’t even find the words to speak. But more importantly that someone doesn’t make the same mistake as me.
It is damning when someone says things about you that truly make you reflect on your character.

“He asks women for money, that is his how he gets money…”
“He is an emotionally abusive person that stays in women’s lives to control them”
“He is a puppet master that have 5-6 women on rotation to use…”

Truth is none of those are even close to true. Well maybe the last one, I did have a time when I dated multiple women because I feared commitment and being vulnerable with just one. Cowardly move, I know. But those days are long gone.

What hurts the most is they are even said about me to begin with. My father always said to me, “your name will travel to places that your feet may never touch, protect your integrity and the honor in your name”
Deep within me, I know those things aren’t true but they hurt. They hurt especially when they come from someone you once loved and respected.
I had someone called a best friend and even introduced to my parents as a true confidant.
To have them turn around and use things that I told them in confidence and in varying contexts to hurt my character hurts.
Deeply.

 

Don’t get me wrong, I am writing this but I am not a saint by any stretch but I also would never go the lengths that this person has gone.
You live and you learn.
A friend said to me,

“Figure out who’s there for a good time and who’s there for a long time. No, really. Make sure you’re not expending your love and energy on people who are seasonal. As much as you want to show love to everyone you care about, sometimes you just can’t. There’s only so much you can give. You also said in your post that not everyone is deserving of this “demanding” treatment.

Outside family, I don’t have too many people I consciously put in effort to love. This allows me to love others [the general public] in a less consuming way.
God does put some people in our lives for a season (to be a blessing to them or for them to be a blessing/lesson to us) – and for that season I try to show love whichever way they need it. These people could be as random as someone who needs advice and support to start up a business or one who needs encouragement through a rough time. It is OKAY to love them from afar once that period is over.
Pray that you’re able to discern who holds what position. When I’m unable to tell the difference, I leave it to God and pray I’m okay with taking a step back when the respective seasons for the temporary relationships end.”

 

My mother always told me!
“The only people you can really trust is your family. My children and my husband are my best friends…”
I don’t think it ever truly sunk in till tonight.
As two of my closest friends berated and chastised me, my eyes welled up but I had no one to blame but myself.
I have always had a problem of blindly trusting people and allowing myself to share. Things they would later use to hurt me.

 
You live and you learn. You truly do.
I have much to work on. My temper, my discernment, my relationships – I am heavily flawed but the monster I was painted to be tonight, woke me up. I have to respect myself and know my worth. And never do things that will let my character be questioned. And also move from continuing to care for and protect people that have only tried to tear me down. It’s truly all out war to defend my character.
I have to be better for me and for the sake of my name.

So I share the words of a man I admire with every interaction.
He said –

“My life is far from perfect. The past year has made a lot of my shortcomings very evident: I’m not as smart as I would like; I’m not as wholesome a man as I would want; I’m not as financially disciplined as I should be; I’m not as good a friend as I would like to believe; I’m nowhere near as good a Christian as I claim I am; and I’m certainly not as great a dancer as I sometimes imagine myself to be. But with even greater clarity, what I have seen in the past year is that in spite of all these faults, I am loved; loved by God, loved by family, loved by friends. And to be very honest, while I work on the shortcomings that I can work on and strive to be the best version of me that I can be, that love is all I need.”

I will like to thank those that genuinely care for my growth; as a person and as someone deserving. I love you.
And with that, I will like to use my open to diary to say a big apology to a true friend.
Who has always had my back through every phase and every mistake.
I wish I had the words or things to repay you but I know God will never make you lack any good thing.

Ninzlo, you are a blessing. Thank you for being a best friend anyone could ask for.

 It’s WordsOfWednesday. I hope you have a great rest of the week everyone.
Try to be your best self today and going forward. You’ll be better for it.

Till next time, Stay up!

Follow me on Twitter and Instagram @adewus4real

Part 3 of my current series “Against Counsel” will be out on 8.5.17

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

#WordsOfWednesday
© 2017 #WhatTheHeckMan