The variations and the parallels are endless
The things and ways we remain similar will leave you speechless
I’ve met certain from which the encounter has left me breathless
But others I’ve met and realized that many people remain tasteless
See I’ve betrayed trust and I’ve let folks down
I’ve forgotten values and in many ways, I’ve let doubt abound
Easily it comes in and shatters relationships
It puts them in a chokehold and slowly strangles the life out of them
Now we all lay lifeless and hurt from all the drama and bullshit
Man
Hurt is one conversation I don’t want to revisit

…..

The heart of man is desperately wicked the bible says
And I swear that plays out in unique situations every day
Men stab men in their faces
Women aren’t too far behind in the races
See we can say our parents and the generation before us taught us better
But the truth is
Did anyone really bother?
From coups to stolen husbands
To deaths just to acquire more bands we are a lost few
Righteous today but we fade quickly like the morning dew

…..

Did you ever understand how easy it is to lose your way?
How quickly the plot gets lost in the day to day
Some of us camp on Twitter all day
Looking for our next prey
We stalk the TL’s
Trying to pick fights from the latest dumb shit “bae” said today
The slander is endless
A new victim every day
But the true victim most cases is you
Because it’s you who failed to stay true

…..

The person you portray to the world
Should be the same across the board
Regardless of the location
Your true identity to should have no variations
But we change
And let our morals and ethics go
As we drift out of range
I’m not immune don’t get me wrong
I wrote this with a heavy heart
But so my name could be on your tongue
I swear if I could sing my feelings I would put them in a song
But the truth remains
You’ll only hear me for how long??

…..

My heart has been broken from friends to friends
I said that twice because the difference is not clear
They are some people you’ll always go to bat for
But those are the ones you pray never ever hurt you at all
Sad to say but they are the ones that can hurt you where you can call
For help or even a reason to again stand tall
Never underestimate your influence before you mane a friend fall
Like me here crying my feelings while curled up into a ball

…..

I heard someone I loved say horrible things about me
It broke my heart
But I only blame myself because I should have known from the start
This life is not a game
But someone has to lose and it’s a shame
I only ask that you never forget my name
Because broken hearted preventing your hurt will be my only aim
I plan on remaining the same
Truthful as possible and not on the losing side in this game
Now with this feeling I might rise to fame
But please be a true friend and always help me stay the same

….

I’ve never set out to hurt anyone
But I have been hurt a lot
Repeatedly in situations when betrayal or hurt was an afterthought
I don’t expect you to understand but I know you do
But you might relate if the same things has happened to you
I write this in the dark of my heart
Waiting for a spark
It’s hard to hold faith
When your heart is repeatedly torn apart.

#WhatTheHeckMan Written in my car.
Sometimes people without warning place their hearts in our hands. It is our job to keep it safe. Guarded against the problems and trials of life as best as we can. You are responsible for many you don’t even realize. Never betray the trust of someone, no matter how minute it might be. You don’t know what door you might close forever if you open the wrong wounds.

….

All of that above the line, was written in 2014.
It is now 3 weeks shy of the exact time I posted that piece in 2014. Here I am feeling worse pain than I have ever felt before.

Tonight I got off the phone with a true friend. One that I have let down.
Greatly.
Sometimes people wonder why I write about myself so openly but I write because sometimes I can’t even find the words to speak. But more importantly that someone doesn’t make the same mistake as me.
It is damning when someone says things about you that truly make you reflect on your character.

“He asks women for money, that is his how he gets money…”
“He is an emotionally abusive person that stays in women’s lives to control them”
“He is a puppet master that have 5-6 women on rotation to use…”

Truth is none of those are even close to true. Well maybe the last one, I did have a time when I dated multiple women because I feared commitment and being vulnerable with just one. Cowardly move, I know. But those days are long gone.

What hurts the most is they are even said about me to begin with. My father always said to me, “your name will travel to places that your feet may never touch, protect your integrity and the honor in your name”
Deep within me, I know those things aren’t true but they hurt. They hurt especially when they come from someone you once loved and respected.
I had someone called a best friend and even introduced to my parents as a true confidant.
To have them turn around and use things that I told them in confidence and in varying contexts to hurt my character hurts.
Deeply.

 

Don’t get me wrong, I am writing this but I am not a saint by any stretch but I also would never go the lengths that this person has gone.
You live and you learn.
A friend said to me,

“Figure out who’s there for a good time and who’s there for a long time. No, really. Make sure you’re not expending your love and energy on people who are seasonal. As much as you want to show love to everyone you care about, sometimes you just can’t. There’s only so much you can give. You also said in your post that not everyone is deserving of this “demanding” treatment.

Outside family, I don’t have too many people I consciously put in effort to love. This allows me to love others [the general public] in a less consuming way.
God does put some people in our lives for a season (to be a blessing to them or for them to be a blessing/lesson to us) – and for that season I try to show love whichever way they need it. These people could be as random as someone who needs advice and support to start up a business or one who needs encouragement through a rough time. It is OKAY to love them from afar once that period is over.
Pray that you’re able to discern who holds what position. When I’m unable to tell the difference, I leave it to God and pray I’m okay with taking a step back when the respective seasons for the temporary relationships end.”

 

My mother always told me!
“The only people you can really trust is your family. My children and my husband are my best friends…”
I don’t think it ever truly sunk in till tonight.
As two of my closest friends berated and chastised me, my eyes welled up but I had no one to blame but myself.
I have always had a problem of blindly trusting people and allowing myself to share. Things they would later use to hurt me.

 
You live and you learn. You truly do.
I have much to work on. My temper, my discernment, my relationships – I am heavily flawed but the monster I was painted to be tonight, woke me up. I have to respect myself and know my worth. And never do things that will let my character be questioned. And also move from continuing to care for and protect people that have only tried to tear me down. It’s truly all out war to defend my character.
I have to be better for me and for the sake of my name.

So I share the words of a man I admire with every interaction.
He said –

“My life is far from perfect. The past year has made a lot of my shortcomings very evident: I’m not as smart as I would like; I’m not as wholesome a man as I would want; I’m not as financially disciplined as I should be; I’m not as good a friend as I would like to believe; I’m nowhere near as good a Christian as I claim I am; and I’m certainly not as great a dancer as I sometimes imagine myself to be. But with even greater clarity, what I have seen in the past year is that in spite of all these faults, I am loved; loved by God, loved by family, loved by friends. And to be very honest, while I work on the shortcomings that I can work on and strive to be the best version of me that I can be, that love is all I need.”

I will like to thank those that genuinely care for my growth; as a person and as someone deserving. I love you.
And with that, I will like to use my open to diary to say a big apology to a true friend.
Who has always had my back through every phase and every mistake.
I wish I had the words or things to repay you but I know God will never make you lack any good thing.

Ninzlo, you are a blessing. Thank you for being a best friend anyone could ask for.

 It’s WordsOfWednesday. I hope you have a great rest of the week everyone.
Try to be your best self today and going forward. You’ll be better for it.

Till next time, Stay up!

Follow me on Twitter and Instagram @adewus4real

Part 3 of my current series “Against Counsel” will be out on 8.5.17

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated.