Fiction

Convenient Christian 4

It’s been a minute
Since we spoke
I love how you always call
Voicemail
Redial
No fail
I love knowing you are there
All around me
But not around me
I may not call
Till my next interview
Not even before the recruiter screen
Let’s talk after the final stage
So you can work your consistent magic
Get me the best package
Fully remote
With unlimited PTO
So I can now tweet that I’m a tech bae
Tithe into your household
No way

Nobody can check me
Ignoring calls for offerings into your storehouse
Because it comes through a messenger I don’t rate
But so do my bills
Xfinity, T-mobile, and Student Loans are never late
And as you directed I do to Caesar
I give
Building fund
Who go belief
Every day between Bakare and Oyedepo
I lose
Faith in the doctrine
Their behavior is like a slap in the face
Religion no longer makes me feel like a Winner
I stand in the Chapel annoyed
But not like Jesus
Me
More rage
At a younger age
Oh Lord, why did I ever come of age?

The women bully the young girls
Forget your curves that dress must hide them
You don’t want to tempt the boys
Those ones do no wrong
They flaunt freely like gun slinging soldiers
Unhappy church women forcing marriage down the throats of young people
We know their husbands cheat
Their RN wives will never admit defeat
On the offense
Jesus is a mighty God
Another testimony
It’s my 10th anniversary with my husband this month
But it’s his 60th rent payment for mistress this month
Direct deposit
All the church does is gossip
Settle down, settle
Join the train of unhappy souls
In the place where we save lost souls

So here I sit
Disillusioned
Disconnected
Despite knowing my relationship should be with you
Not the establishment
But I need the establishment
Because within you, I am not established
Yet
Why does the church that made me love you in Bible Tales
Now make me draw my sword to protect myself from it’s absurd tales

I stay in the place of worship
Not because I hear thy voice
But because that choir hits the notes and every chord
They have the best YouTube reputation
Far and above
Nothing beats sprinkling a little legwork into my praise and worship
It’s for the kids they say
It helps us stay hip
But further lost I feel
The church no longer feels like home
When I close my eyes to pray
All I see is her on her knees
No pray
Taking deep breaths
It ain’t about faith
That wasn’t her name
This is about me and you
Honest and true
I love you
I do
But do I know you

Every day I find more ways your “word” divides people
Or those you called discriminate against your blessed people
I’m torn
I was sure that growing up
Would mean more of you
But the more they “tell me of you”
I see less of you in them
And then less of me
Because who I was before was rooted in you
Now he feels like a distant past
Long in the rearview
So here is me pouring my heart out
I hope you hear me
I’ll try to pick up when you call
Or call you back at my earliest convenience
Or when next I need you
I hope that’s still cool

I told my mom last week that I felt “tired” of my church.
Something changed – the love went out the door
It was sudden, abrupt and then just gone. I used to be the person that couldn’t wait for Sunday. Praise and worship lifted me up, even when I wasn’t singing.
I just loved being there.
It usually meant my whole day but I loved giving my time.
I am not sure what happened and I think it may just be my church because I don’t feel this when I go to others but I lost the spark.

Not just for going to church but for speaking to God – period.
It felt hard because I know I need him and he has done soooo much for me(please tell me you sang Tim Godfrey’s Nara here”
I struggle to hear him in my private bible readings but I noticed that I would always hear him in song.
In private moments of worship and praise – he would speak and I would hear.
So I know all hope is not lost, maybe I need to change my church or something in my life but I wanted to share this post with you.
It’s vulnerable, it’s not cute, it’s not Big Daddy Adewus but it is one of the layers that defines me.
I believe my faith and my upbringing in Christ has influenced a lot of the man I am.

Last week, I was trying to record a video for my IG after my workout and this song came on Oba to nja Funmi by Gbenga Akinfenwa.
I have heard it before and many times but that day, the words struck.
Despite my faithlessness and unfaithfulness, God keeps fighting for me. And he has never left me to wishes of those that do not have my best intentions at heart.
I felt vulnerable and embarrassed and I almost decided the video would never see the light of day but I see all of you that interact with the “realer” side of me. 
I know there are people the song may speak to or this caption may speak to.
So here it goes.

I hope you are happy, at peace and loved within yourself.
If any of those elements is missing and even if it is not, here is my heart to you and a hug from me to you.
I pray God keeps fighting for you and I.
Please check out my blog for my Convenient Christian series and enjoy Part 4.
It is as real as it gets.
Till next time.

Stay up!

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