Scarred 3

“It bleeds but we don’t see the cuts”

Follow @adewus4real You’ll only regret it when I get heartbroken 

 ⟹ ⟹ ⟹ PLAY THE SONG BEFORE YOU START READING

Niggas I Know by INK Edwards

I could feel the discomfort as the bristles grazed the surface of my teeth as I brushed my teeth that night.

I still hadn’t gotten over the messages I read on Tasha’s phone. It just seemed out of Jacques’ character and I could not wrap my head around the idea of him saying it.

If someone had told me he said that, I would have argued and vehemently denied it. Seeing the messages myself made it impossible to clear out of my head.

I could understand wanting to defend and protect his sister but why would he say that about me?

After all, he knew I wouldn’t try to intentionally hurt her, or so I thought.

 

Sometimes one can go through certain things in life and the ability to compartmentalize comes naturally. I was trying to figure out the best way to stop my anger from spilling into other parts of my life.

I was failing miserably as I would find myself tying everything back to the messages and the thought behind them.

It was very early Thursday morning and I was running an errand. I had to take public transportation as I still wasn’t medically cleared to drive. I was walking to the bus stop and realized that I was still every angry. I needed someone to talk to, someone to vent to and get things off my chest. I needed a soundboard, someone to tell me I wasn’t crazy for feeling so angry.

And then it hit me; I pulled out my headphones from my iPod classic and put them inside my phone. I unlocked my phone and dialed Jules’ number. It rung for a few seconds and then he answered.

I could hear the sounds of people’s voices around him as he made his way to work on the train. We exchanged greetings and I delved straight into the conversation with him.

“Sooo Tasha came over this past weekend…”

I started off,

“Oh really? How did that go?”

he responded with surprise and a sense of inquiry. I replied,

“I’m not sure actually. She came with some story about how she was sorry for not coming to the hospital more while I was there and how her life was difficult and blah blah blah…”

“Oh isn’t that a great way to apologize”

 Jules chimed back in with his famous sarcasm.

“Bro, that’s not even the good part… I went through her phone bro.”

 “You did what?

Bruh, you know that never ends well with anyone. Man or woman.”

he attempted to lecture me.

“I know. I know but I had to. Well I felt the urge and followed it. I found out that Jacques had been telling Tasha to stay away from me. I think he might have been the reason why she stayed away from me while I was recovering. I was shocked bro. I saw the messages he sent her warning her from coming to see me. Bro, if I see him at your thing next week, I’m going to go OFF!”

Jules, who was usually very helpful but was always the mediator between Jacques and I since college, didn’t help much this time.

“All that’s not needed. Just talk to him about it first before you both get on planes to come out here. This is a big moment for me. I need y’all on your game.”

He continuously defaulted to asking me to speak to Jacques directly to get his side of the story. We chatted some more after I realized he wouldn’t be helpful on that issue and then I ended the call.

I pondered calling Jacques the next day but never got to it because I received this message from him.

I realized that Jules must have talked to him and that was fine by me but I was now even more pissed off because he called me a traitor.

Me????

There was no way he could call me a traitor. We had way more history and a bond that was beyond friendship. Him calling me a traitor broke my heart and was a direct slap in the face. And I was planning on responding.

.       .     .       .     .       .

That night I was in my living room looking out on to my balcony when I began to think of the three J’s and how we got so close. Particularly I remembered how Jacques and I became as close as we were. It took me back to our senior year in college. It took me back to that fateful night when it happened.

I remembered placing my hands on my head. I could not understand what had just happened. I was sweating bullets, as my eyes were wide open but felt extremely heavy.

My brain was racing to figure it all out. It felt like there was a puzzle in my head that I was trying to solve under the family feud 25 seconds clock. I was running different scenarios in my head and every single one arrived at one final question

“What have I done?”

I placed my head on the steering wheel realizing what I had done and began to cry. I was crying because I made it out alive but more than anything, I was crying because I didn’t know if they did. I began to think of my family, my sister, my education, my life, my legacy and the tears just flooded out even more. It seemed like I was going to break.

It felt like everything I had ever worked for or lived for was going down the drain in one night. I looked up at the clock and it was 3:16am. I looked around the cabin of the car and made sure there was nothing lying around. My car was usually clean. I was just trying to make sure that nothing was left, nothing that could suggest anything to anyone looking for something that could implicate me. The girls I had driven in the car earlier had a makeup bag on the back seat and some cups for the alcohol they were drinking on our way to the party.

Everything was clear, so I got up and headed for the door. I made it to the door of the apartment. Swaying and staggering because of the weed I had smoked at the party. We had added something to the blunt to make it stronger that day but I didn’t know it hit me that hard. I stopped in front of the door and began knocking. My eyes were still big, my heart racing felt like someone was holding the skin above them back to ensure my eye lids didn’t fall down. I could sense myself getting really worried now.

“What if he wasn’t home?”

I hadn’t texted him before I left the party and quite frankly I wasn’t even planning on coming there when I left the party, it was what happened from when I left the club to the house that caused me to change my destination. I knocked again. No answer.

Now I was truly scared and worried. I needed to speak to him. I did not want to go home that night. I just didn’t want to be by myself. I knocked one more time and then I heard some movement inside and the light from the bedroom went on. I sighed in relief knowing that he was home.

He walked over to the door and opened it. He was standing there somewhat awake in his undershirt and with an erection. He looked up at me irritated and confused.

“Why’d you keep knocking man? Don’t you have your key?”

I looked down at the bunch of keys in my hand and nodded. That showed how much I was off my game. I actually had a key into his place. We all had keys to each others apartments. Primarily it was because of an incident with Jules where a girl from a rival school wanted to have sex with him but he did not want to have sex with her. Obviously because she was crazy and not on the “healthy” side, he camped out at my house while I was gone. But that incident caused us to devise a plan that consisted of us all having spare keys to get into each other’s apartments incase of any emergencies.

I was staring at the keys when I heard Jacques fingers snapping me back into reality as he closed the door behind me.

“So why are you trying to break the door bro”

he said.

I looked up from the keys and caught his erection again going up towards his face and I asked,

“Why don’t you have any clothes on?”

He looked at me with a mix of satisfaction and irritation and said,

“because I was involved in things before your ass almost broke my door down”

I tried to force a smile back and failed. He stepped closer, tapped me and walked to the kitchen and then asked,

“what happened man? Talk! You’re keeping her waiting”

I looked at him straight in the face and I knew I couldn’t lie to him. This was my brother. I ran to him for a reason.

I sighed and then said,

“I was driving really fast and I hit someone on the way here. I think they might be dead”

His eyes lit up. He immediately walked over to the window and looked outside. He walked back in and headed for his bedroom door and he closed it.

He looked at me and asked,

“Did anybody follow you?”

I said

“No”

“Are you drunk right now or did you drink?” 

I said no again.

“Okay good. We can go from there. Go and take a shower and eat some food. We’ll handle the rest tomorrow.”

He said as he opened the door and headed into his room closing the door behind him. I stood in there and looked at myself. I felt dirty. Not physically but like I was covered in filthiness that was unseen. I headed to the guest bathroom of his two-bedroom apartment and hopped in the shower. I ignored my phone the whole time.

I dried myself off and headed for the bed in the guest room. My old shoes lay in the corner. I climbed into the bed and realized I had no charger for my phone.

I placed the phone next to my head. I could not stop thinking about the accident. I was driving too fast. I was tired. I was high. The light was yellow when I crossed the line but it was like red the very next moment. I caught the end of the other car that was probably going just as fast and might have run their red light to come into the intersection. I wasn’t sure and it was killing me. I know the car spun and hit the light post a few feet down the street but I kept driving. I panicked.

I didn’t mean to but here I was now and I couldn’t go back. I had too much to lose by turning myself in. I remembered what Jacques said and figured we would deal with it the next day.

I stared at the ceiling in the dark room; the red light for the low battery signal on my phone blinked and my eyes grew heavy. Sleep came.

 

I was awoken the next morning by the sound of the blender as Jacques was making his famous morning power shakes. I stumbled into the kitchen as I tried to hide my face from all the sunlight that flooded his apartment.

“Do you have your practice stuff with you?”

he asked me again jolting my mind towards something I had missed.

“It’s the playoffs man”

I nodded back and responded

“yeah, my gym bag is in my trunk”

I was surprised that he was not talking about the incident that brought me there in the first place so I asked,

“aren’t we going to talk about last night?”

I looked at him concerned. He looked at me and with a straight face, he responded by simply saying,

“NO” 

he then continued to say,

“We have a meeting with the Dean and Vice Provost after practice. I’m coming with you and you don’t need to worry about it. They called my phone this morning because yours was dead”

I wanted to piss my pants right there. How did they know it was me?

Back then, that was a stupid question to ask because there weren’t that many people in that town driving a dark green 2005 Buick LeSabre with alloy wheels and a huge subwoofer in the trunk. My car was known on campus. All it took was one person to have a similar description of that car and they would be coming for me.

Jacques was able to calm me down on our way to practice. He even went as far as telling me the driver of the other car was still alive and in the hospital.

It eased my anxiety but I was still distracted throughout practice. I just wanted to get the meeting over with. Them expelling me was the least of my worries with being jailed my most pressing fear.

We drove from the practice field to the Vice Provost’s office. It was the longest drive of my life. I was now sweating profusely.

We walked into the office and the dean was sitting in the seat to the left, our coach standing behind the provost and the police chief standing in the corner to our right.

The Vice Provost from behind his seat asked us to sit down and asked us if we knew why we were there. We nodded.

He then said,

“The police want to investigate and Jerome, they want you to come downtown with them.”

I dropped my head. I was in pain. My heart was aching and breaking as the pain and regret tore me apart. I was about to get up from my seat to leave with the officer when Jacques spoke and said

“I was the one driving. Take me in”

I turned around shocked and scared. This was my brother. I didn’t want him to take the fall for me. I couldn’t let him do it.

I was about to say something when he glared at me and repeated

“I was driving too fast. I think the person ran his light too but I should have seen him coming. It was my fault”

The police chief looked at him confused and suddenly realized that he was taking the fall for me. The chief asked

“Are you sure? Do you know what you’re doing here, son?”

Jacques nodded and kept his head up straight. I was in shock.

“How could he do this?”

All he had worked so hard for could go down the drain and he didn’t want me to talk. I was in the dark as to what he was thinking but he seemed to have it figured out. The Vice Provost looked at the coach who had this terrified and confused look on his face. He then asked us to excuse them. We stepped out to the lobby and I immediately went off raising my voice

“What the fuck did you just do in there????

Are you trying to get expelled????

Why did you do that?”

I had all these questions I was yelling at Jacques while Jacques postured and barked back

“Are you trying to get expelled?

How would your mother feel?

Would she be able to take it???”

I pulled back and began to recognize that this could be bigger than me. I covered my mouth with my right hand and took a few steps backwards and sat on the bench. Jacques came and sat next to me. He placed his right hand around my shoulder and said,

“You are my brother. I already thought this through. I am the best player on that team and this town wants to win a Championship. This is the closest they have come in a while. They will not allow their best player go down. They won’t do it. So you don’t have to worry. I got you.”

I looked up to him as if he was an angel sent from heaven and at that moment he was. I placed my head on his shoulder.

He was right. We left that evening with no problems. They came and towed my car away for “investigation” and nothing ever came of it. I didn’t play that weekend because the coach knew exactly what had transpired. Jacques played and killed it as usual. I was let off the hook there. I could not believe it but I got nothing and Jacques only got his license suspended for 6 months.

I was grateful for this man and I continued to pray that God give me an opportunity to pay him back. I was able to stay in school and keep my scholarship. We never spoke of that day and years have gone by.

 

As fate would have it, I got a chance to repay Jacques back for “saving my life” a few weeks later.

It was 3 days before the Championship Bowl game. And Jacques called me and said he could not play. I was shocked and I asked why. It was the week leading up to the biggest game in our college careers and the closest our school had come to a title in a long time. He needed to play.

“What happened?”

I asked him. He went on to narrate that he had been at party the night before when this girl he was trying to have sex with that night talked him into trying a drug. IT was supposed to be the new thing on the college scene. I know he knew better than that so I asked if he was drunk when she asked him to try it. He said he was.

Now as it was customary before a deciding game like this, the game’s governing body usually tested all the players. Sometimes they tested them right after.

Jacques not one to panic, was about to lose his shit. He was already let off the hook for my incident; he for sure could not go down like that over a stupid mistake. He had looked up the drug and realized two of the ingredients were on the list of drugs athletes were banned from taking.

It was my plan that came about the leg breaking incident on the day of the game. It was contingent on the team not being tested till after the game. We hoped that it would be one of those games where we would get tested after.

The plan was that during the game, we would run the play and intentionally run the same lane, allow him to get tackled but before he could get up. I would run and step on his leg hoping to badly bruise or even break his tibia or fibula. It was a dangerously painful plan and one that required us to rely on so many other factors. Not being tested, one of us being tackled early on the play and then us losing the game because would all be a waste.

Like I mentioned before, we both played that game and the plan went almost without a hitch except I ran and completely missed his leg and ruptured his Achilles. It had to be operated on and Jacques was in a tremendous amount of pain, he was under observation at the hospital and there was no urine sample taken for his testing as the whole city celebrated the win and mourned the loss of one of the star players at the same time. It was the perfect distraction.

In both incidents, only Jacques and I knew what we had done. Those secrets defined the rest of our lives. Because Jacques was not a cokehead, the drugs were out of his system within a week. He got a substantial insurance payout from school and the game’s governing body because he was ruled out of playing football again, which meant he didn’t go pro.

We had each other’s backs, we always did. So the wedge and lack of trust that had come between us now was confusing and I was not sure how to get past it but it needed to be dealt with or it was going to break us. It was funny the curveball life had thrown at us after everything we had been through was his sister or so I thought.

I called up Tasha and told her about the whole thing without going into details or specifics. I asked her to call her brother and talk to him about us because I wasn’t sure I could do it at the time because of how angry I was at him. She understood and said she would take care of it. It was her brother and even though he was “mine” too, she had the same blood as him. I hoped he would listen.

.     .     .     .     .     .

[/audio]

SLS by PartyNextDoor

Tasha and I were rebuilding our relationship but I was still not giving her all of me. The things I had seen on her phone made it much harder to give in and let go of myself.

We had been hanging out a lot lately and this particular night, she came over and she was making dinner in the kitchen.

I walked in and leaned on dishwasher, which was on the opposite side of the kitchen from the stove. I stared at her body and I could feel my member start to rise between my legs but that was not why I was there.

I called out her name and began to speak,

“Tasha, I went through your phone that day you first came back to my house and saw the messages from Jacques and that’s what led to our fight”

She turned and looked somewhat relieved that it was all I saw. I continued,

“why would he say that?

What did you tell him for him to say that?”

She didn’t let me talk. She turned the burner off and walked over to me. She whispered in my ear while grabbing a hold of my shaft and rubbing the head. She said,

“You sound tense baby. Let me fix that for you”

I so badly wanted to continue the conversation but she had a hold on me. Her eyes. The way she looked at me. There was something there. She dropped down into a squatting position and pulled my shorts down to my ankles. She stared at my hardening member as she stroked it from head to base. She looked up at me and it stood straight. Fuck!

She pulled down her blouse to give me full view of her bosom. It was beautiful as always. She then slid her hand down her dress and began to feel on her wetness. A few seconds later, her hand reappeared. She looked up at me maintaining eye contact as her hand traveled to her mouth. She placed her fingers in her mouth and sucked on them, licking her juices off while closing her eyes to highlight the satisfaction she got from the process. My dick twitched in her right hand grip. She opened her eyes and smiled. She slowly parted her lips and took my now throbbing member inside her warm mouth.

It felt like magic. I forgot what I was mad about.

She knew was she was doing. It was sloppy and dirty. She worked both hands up and down my shaft, alternating between stroking, sucking and gargling my balls in her mouth. It was only a matter of time before I was going to let it all loose. She was ready for it too. She moved her left hand back under her dress and moaned as she sucked and fingered herself. I was going insane. The she stopped soaking her fingers in her wetness and concentrated on making me cum. Her lips clamped down on my shaft as my shaft slid in and out. She used her left hands to roll my balls in her hand. I went silent and she knew what was coming. So she sucked harder. I began to grunt. Trying to hold it all in. She wouldn’t let me and then it happened. All in her mouth, she took the load of my warm homeless seed. She got up and licked her lips and moved her left hand back under her dress. She soaked it in her juices and then moved the hand out and placed it in my mouth. I closed my eyes and licked her fingers. I wanted all of her juices. She wasn’t having it.

She still had my now softening dick in her right hand. She began to stroke it as she used it to pull me towards the room.

“Come here let me clean that up for you”

She said as she directed me towards my bedroom. She pushed me onto the bed. That act alone and my dick began to harden. She climbed on the bed and sucked on it a few times getting in semi hard. She stood the bed and lowered her juice box onto my shaft. It felt wet. It was really wet and somewhat reminiscent of a floodgate opening. I grabbed onto the sheets as she bounced up and down on top of me. I clamped my legs together hoping to not end this session quickly but she was that good. I could feel my wet balls covered in her wetness hitting the back on her perfectly rounded ass. Her smile of satisfaction as she knew she had me on the ropes was driving me deeper and deeper into some mixture of love and lust for her.

I could feel it coming up and then she asked me

“are you going to cum for me baby?”

any man knows what that question would do for him and any woman asking her man that during sex knows what she’s doing and the reaction she’s hoping to get. I clutched tighter and tried to take my mind to another place to avoid cumming then. And then it happened, she asked me in her softest voice,

“cum for me baby, please cum for me”

Who was I to deny the woman I loved the satisfaction of pleasuring me? The rest was a formality. I did not restrain myself as I squealed and exploded inside her. She smiled and continued riding for few more minutes and then she got off. She stood by the side of the bed as I tried to catch my breath. She pulled her dress down and said,

“Let me go and finish your food but I’m definitely getting mine tonight”

Referring to her climaxing. I nodded as she started to walk out of the room and then I remembered why I was upset in the kitchen to begin with. I asked

“Tasha, did you talk to your brother like I asked?”

She turned back and with a guilty and manipulative look on her face like a daughter who has her father wrapped around her right finger she said,

“No I haven’t”

and immediately walked out.

I turned over on the bed upset all over again and stared out the window. We were all traveling to Jules’s house in two days on the East Coast for his birthday and promotion party and I knew Jacques was going to be there.

This woman had succeeded in putting me in another difficult situation and she just walked out. I thought to myself. This could all go really bad, very quick.

#WhatTheHeckMan

I cussed under my breath. SCARRED 3 is the 50th post on this blog!!! You DEFINITELY HAVE TO COMMENT. COME ON!!! Do IT!!!

 

“Who is wielding the blade? There’s blood but we don’t see the cuts yet.”

                                                                                                                                   –@adewus4real

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Scarred 2

“It might not even bleed but it could hurt the most”

Follow @adewus4real You’ll only regret it when I get heartbroken 

 ⟹ ⟹ ⟹ PLAY THE SONG BEFORE YOU START READING

Eyé Àdabà by Asa

I had to keep the faith that I wasn’t going to be blind. It was tough to do when I was given only a 13% chance of seeing with both eyes again. It was terrifying and I could not have gotten through those days without the help of my sister.  She was everything to me throughout that period. She would leave and I could always bank on her coming back to be by my side. I still can’t count how many days she spent at my bedside while I was in the hospital. She would come in the evening and work on her own stuff while she turned on audiobooks or music for me to listen to.

In a real period of literal and emotional darkness in my life, she was a beaming light.

The days got harder and harder as they passed by.

With each passing day, I would wonder if she thought about me. I still could not make sense of it all.

Why did she not come?

Nights in the hospital were the hardest. I was slowly getting better physically and gaining more strength in my limbs but my heart still hurt and I wasn’t sure how to put a stop to it.

The surgery came and I was nervous. I remember my sister being with me and holding my hand a few hours before.

“Jerome, it’s going to be fine. I promise.

I’ll be here when you get out”

She said.

Her words were reassuring but they were still only words.

Ever been in a situation where someone you loved was telling you it was going to be okay, even when they didn’t seem to believe it?

She was scared and I couldn’t see her face but I could tell that she was terrified. She was just trying to stay strong for me like I would have for her and I truly appreciated that.

She was there till they wheeled me away into the OR, letting go of my hand right before the door. I remember lying under the lights that focused on me. I could hear the sparks inside the wires connected to them buzzing as the electricity flowed through them.

I remember feeling like I was going to see again. It felt like it was just a matter of opening my eyes wide and the pictures would come in. I began to imagine the places I wanted to go and the things I wanted to see in the world should I be able to again.

I was thinking of the Great Wall of China, being on a Safari out in Malawi or skiing the Alpines in Aspen. I wanted to take in the world!

I was taking it all in and then I felt the anaesthetic hit and then sleep followed. I was out.

I woke up about 7 hours later with my eyes still covered but the doctor was there to deliver some of the best news I had received in a long time.

“Sir, the surgery went well; better than we expected. We were able to remove majority of the pieces of glass in your left eye and we expect a full recovery there. We are not sure about your right eye just yet but it seems like there might be some vision there and it might not be a full capture of things you see but you may still be able to see out of it.”

He paused to make sure I heard everything and to let my sister take it all in.

“We are still concerned about your right eye. The most delicate shard of glass is still in a very serious position but the nerve is sending signals to your brain again, so we are sure it is functioning. In the meantime till we re-evaluate, no physical or strenuous activity. No contact sports and no outrageous manly things. Just taking it easy, okay?”

 “Okay doc. Thank you”

I responded and thanked him as he left the room. My sister was dancing around the room and singing. I couldn’t help but smile. It was like God decided to have mercy on me.

I was going to see the world again. But I wasn’t ready for the scars I would see.

.     .     .     .      . 

My health insurance offered me different kinds of therapy to deal with recovering from the incident.

I was still very depressed and quite upset about feeling abandoned by people I considered my family. So I began seeing a therapist.

It was in therapy that I knew how much Jacques and Tasha not being there really hurt me. Talking about my feelings helped me recognize that I was more hurt than I realized. I was convinced Tasha had another man in her life. It was the only logical explanation for her behaviour.

Jacques and I had seen things together. Like the types of things we had seen and done together were the type that if one of us snitched to the authorities, we could end up in jail. We were that close. So to find out that he only came to see me in the hospital one time was a very hard pill to swallow. One particular incident surrounding that championship game and the week leading up to it, brought us so much closer than we ever were. I was truly let down by them both but I they weren’t blood so I guess that always left the possibility that they could turn on me at some point or under the “right” circumstances.

I was leaving therapy one evening when I felt this barrage of memories shared with Tasha flooding into my head. The one that stood out the most was the day I realised I was in love with her and that I was going to do right by her no matter what it took.

It was a hot Saturday evening, I arrived at the park down the street from her house 5 minutes ahead of the time I had actually told her to be ready.

I called her feeling like she might be late and of course late she was.

“Are you ready?”

I asked with a slight tone.

“Ummm… nooo”

she responded in her baby voice she used whenever she wanted to get away with something

 “I’m just putting on finishing touches. I’ll be down in a minute”

she concluded with.

I clicked the phone and hung up. A minute turned to 20 minutes and we were now running late. I was upset. Not entirely at her but myself.

How could I think she would be ready in time?

How many of you know any women that actually get ready on time? It’s always something with them from making sure they comb the nappy hairs under their weaves to ensuring their ankles aren’t ashy; they always run late.

She walked out of her house in a stunning red dress. I had to catch myself. I was trying to stay angry that she made us late but I knew it wasn’t going to work.

She got into the car and said hi with a smile on her face. She knew I was upset.

Staying quiet for a few miles as I drove, she touched my shoulder and I turned towards her. All she did was whisper,

“I’m sorry”

and I was gone. I was so weak for her. Women are experts at using their “assets” spoken and silent to get men feeling some type of way.

We arrived at the club where my friend was performing his new music. It was small and intimate. We greeted him and sat in the middle of the floor with enough space between the stage and us. We could take in the performance but not be overwhelmed by the sound.

Dinner followed shortly after the show at a restaurant down the street. It was mellow and just an open conversation as we joked and laughed through our meals. I hated what I ordered continuing my trend of ordering wrong and she was willing to share her food with me. I couldn’t stop smiling at everything she did. I kept thinking to myself about how wrong people were about her. She was amazing.

Recognize ft. Drake by PartyNextDoor

 

We left dinner and began driving back to her place so I could drop her off when she asked if we could stop at the store to grab some wine. And I obliged.

I was under her spell as she waltzed through the aisles and we joked in the near empty 24-hour grocery store. She knew where the wine was right when we walked in but she was just enjoying spending the night with me in the silliest way.

There was no line at the checkout and we were just being nuisances as we headed to the car.

The drive was chill. She had her legs on the dashboard as I drove and music played out the windows.

We headed to our “spot”. It was by the levy overlooking the water.

The city lights lit up the water from afar and it was always a magical sight at night. I pulled up to the side with my car facing the water.

The music was playing slowly in the background as we just talked. I can’t remember what led to it but we began kissing. In the middle of it, I saw some lights headed towards my car.

 

I stopped as a security guard pulled up next to my car.

The cabin of the car was dark, so I turned on the inner lights so he could see.

“I’m not supposed to let anyone park here overnight”

he said.

I smiled and responded,

“We’re not parking here overnight bro. We’re just taking in the view and talking. We’ll leave soon”

he said okay and headed on his way.

Out of nowhere Tasha grabbed my shirt and pilled me in for a very hot kiss. I was taken aback.

“What was that for?”

I asked.

She looked at me with a sly smile on her face and said,

“you just looked so sexy talking to him. I had to kiss those lips…”

I smiled, thanked her for the compliment and leaned back in my seat. And then she said,

“How cool would it be if we had sex right here, right now?”

I was surprised. I thought I was the freak in the relationship

“Umm…..”

I began to respond, visibly caught off guard by the question. And then she cut me off.

“Do you still have that blanket in your trunk?”

I nodded and she continued,

“Can you please get it and fuck me on the hood of your car?”

My balls shriveled up. My shaft straightened. My senses woke up.  My eyes grew bigger.

“Are you sure you want to have sex here with Tommy the Security guy driving around?

I joked.

“Have I ever complained about having an audience before?”

She was referring to the night we had sex in the park by her parent’s house and some folks were playing on the play structure.

I turned off the car and opened the trunk. I hopped out and she followed.

I walked to the front of the car with the blanket in my hand and laid it on the hood, using the windshield wipers as clips to hold the two top corners down.

I turned around and she kissed me. She wanted this, I could tell.

She leaned back onto the hood of the car that was very hot at the time. It must have warmed up the blanket. She climbed up as I knelt down and spread her legs. I slowly pulled her panties down and tossed them upward onto the windshield.

I kissed her inner thighs towards her pink. I softly kissed her lower lips as they kissed me back moistly. I began to work my tongue around her clit without maintaining pressure on it. She knew what I was going for. I wanted to make her beg for it as she got super wet.

I could tell she wanted more. So I parted her lips and stuck my tongue inside. The taste of her fresh wetness had me lapping up for more. I was slurping while trying to ensure I didn’t miss anything and I was failing as her juices flowed onto my beard and drenched them.

The feel of her lips on my lips and her juices on my chin were causing my shaft to stand firm.  And then she stopped me and turned around. On her fours, on the hood of my car, she poked her ass in the air and slowly said,

“I want you to eat me like this”

A woman that can ask for what she needs when it comes to sex will stay winning. She got a little wetter and just like you guys, I got much harder.

I leaned in and bent my knees to come down to her level and I grabbed her ass cheeks and spread them. I shoved my tongue into the warmth of her soaked lips. She moaned as she grabbed the blanket. I was low behind with my face shoved between her cheeks that I could not see her face. Her moans sent the message clearly though.

I was struggling to breathe as her still flowing juices covered my nostrils, my lips, my chin and all over my beard but I was not going to quit. She reached back and pushed my head inwards. I took it as a license to stick my tongue deeper inside her.

I stood up and dropped my pants. Slapping the head of my shaft on her clit, I slowly slid into her. It was so hot in there.

Covering up my shaft with each stroke, she was really wet. She grabbed onto the sheets with both hands as I slid in and out. It felt amazing and I had to use all the will power I had to not bust that early one. I began to think about random things like my phone bill and Nascar while maintaining my stroke.

Her moans continued to bring me back to the present though.

I was picking up the pace and thrusting deeper while grabbing her waist. The way she moaned made it impossible for me to even think of lasting much longer. I knew it was only a matter of time before I let loose.

The breeze blew by occasionally, freezing up my ball sack as I continued to go deeper. I leaned forward and kissed her back as I picked up the pace. She knew what was about to happen and then she said,

 “Fuck me harder, fuck me!”

There was something about her saying that, that always drove me insane. I knew I wanted to give her more but her juicebox was so good, I only hoped I could get seconds. The men out there know what I mean.

I was thrusting harder now and she was moaning all sorts but what stood out the most was right before I was about to cum when she said

 “Do not fucking cum! Keep fucking me! Harder!!!”

Now any guy in the world knows that hearing that is just going to send him off the edge. I clenched my butt cheeks as I thrust and hoped I could ride out that wave without cumming. I failed. A few thrusts later as her ass slapped back onto my pelvis, I pulled out. A few more tugs and it was all over the floor.

She got off and gave me this super warm kiss while stroking my shaft and then she did the craziest thing. She dropped down on her knees and took my semi hard member into her mouth. The sensation was crazy!

I wanted to push her head off but she bit gently to let me know that doing that was not in my best interest. It was safe to say she sucked me dry. Then she got up. Put her panties on and then pulled her dress up. She looked at me and said,

“We have to finish part two on the my new carpet”

I pulled my pants up and smiled. I knew I had to keep this woman for good. She had me.

.      .       .       .       .      .

 The boredom was the hardest thing when I returned home. I was advised to not watch too much television. I couldn’t create designs for new watches on my computer because they involved sharp colors and of course a computer screen. I was forced to continue to read books and listen to music.

I also returned to walking. I would take walks down to the creek by my house to help clear my head or just get some fresh air from being cooped up in a house all day.

This particular day, I had walked over to the creek. The sun was out and beaming down on me. My back was burning in the heat as I backed the sun and my house. The weeds over the creek were dried as the summer continued to heat up the entire place. I took in the sight of some birds and a couple walking their dog before heading back home.

I was returning from the creek and the sun, which was behind me when I was there, was now in front of me. The orange and yellow texture of the sun was strong as the sun continued to rear its head from behind the houses and refusing to set. I couldn’t see down the street but I just knew the sun was setting in front of me and blinding me.

I arrived at the front of the house and stopped for a second to check the mailbox. Nothing new. There were just a few coupons from local stores.

I let myself into the house and headed to the kitchen. I stood in front of the refrigerator with my cup and I pushed down on the lever and ice cubes began falling into my cup. They were making some noises and I couldn’t tell but I thought I heard a knock on the door. I continued putting the water into the cup.

I think I must have rushed the water I was drinking.

Brain freeze.

But my brain registered this sound. It was a knock at the door.

I walked to the door and assumed it was my sister returning and probably just being lazy and not wanting to use her key. I opened it without looking through the peephole. I held the door open with my right hand as the sunlight flooded my naked eyes. I was shocked.

It was Tasha.

It was dead silent for about a minute and then she asked,

“Can I please come in?”

I didn’t respond. I turned around and headed for the couch.

She walked in and shut the door behind her. She walked over to seat across from me in her heels and fitted black top. My pent up anger towards her suddenly turned to brief attraction. Like I just wanted to lay her across the coffee table and ravage her clit but I contained myself.

Her voice was still as silky as ever. I melted when she stated talking.

“Jerome, I want to start by saying I’m sorry”

I huffed.

I wasn’t accepting her apology, especially not a lame one.

“I won’t sit here and make excuses. I fucked up. I should have been by your side through it all. It was overwhelming for me. I didn’t know what was expected of me in that situation. I had never experienced a near death situation like that before. I panicked.”

I was now irritated. And I responded packed with attitude,

 “You panicked for over 5 months?! That’s your excuse?

That’s a bullshit excuse and you know it because if it was me, you could bet your life I would have been right next to you when you woke up. So please spare me the fucking excuses and just stop!”

My breathing was shorter and I could feel myself sweating a bit. I was getting heated.

She bowed her head as she attempted to answer. She actually seemed sorry and for a woman who rarely apologized for anything, I was a bit surprised she was doing this.

 “Jerome, you have every right to be mad at me. And to clarify, I was coming for a while till before the 3^rd month off and on. I was there sometimes. A lot just happened in my life after and it was heavy stuff so I wasn’t sure how to deal with it all. You have every right to be mad at me and in fact never talk to me again. I just hope you can forgive me for not being by your side like you would have been by my side”

Like I said before, I had a huge weakness for this woman. I had been with quite a few women before but not a single one floored me like her. It was surprising that just her voice had gotten me already.

Frankly, I had forgiven her the moment I opened the door. I loved her. Like truly but I wasn’t about to give in easily, so I faked being mad some more and replied her,

 “You were there sometimes?! I have always been there from day one for you and your brother. And your brother only came once too?! Like wtf? And you’re here looking for me to forgive you? Who does that?

You played your hand by not being there and I would appreciate it, i you just left me alone”

My fake performance seemed to be working. She seemed to feel like she was losing me. So she got up and walked towards me. She placed her phone, which was in her hand on the table inches in front of my legs.

She placed her hand on my lap while I held my breath.

It was that moment when you are trying to stay mad at your partner you clearly have a weakness for and they touch you. Wall of Jericho falleth!

She looked me in my eyes and said,

“Jerome there is so much we have to talk about and work on but I want you to know that I love you deeply and I am sorry”

I sighed and didn’t respond. I couldn’t. I didn’t know what to say. I was glad she was here and I knew there was more explaining to be done but I was willing to let it go for the moment. She leaned in and kissed my cheek very close to my ear. It tickled and I smiled.

She got up and walked to the bathroom.

A few seconds after the door closed behind her. Her phone buzzed and then it buzzed again. I was looking at it resisting the urge to check it but I also wanted to. What has kept her away that long? Another man?

I wanted to find out but I wanted to be secure in myself as a man. But it was right there?!

“She wouldn’t know”

I thought to myself.

I looked at it one more time. My hand itched.

Shit!

I reached for it and tapped on the screen and opened it.

The messages that had come were from her brother, Jacques.

It read

I could not believe my eyes. Was that why she stayed away? Jacques?!

What reason could he have for portraying me to be a bad guy to his sister? I might have been an asshole before but I had never shown any signs of hurting his sister. What The Heck Man!

Tasha walked out of the bathroom and towards me. She noticed a look on my face. She said,

“Everything okay?”

I looked up at her and leaned back in my seat. I flashed a smile and said,

 “Everything is great.”

 

“Revenge sometimes seems the sweetest but to get it, you might have to bleed some more first.”

                                                                                                                                   – @adewus4real

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The End

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Imperfect 4

#WhatTheHeckMan

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 ⟹ ⟹ ⟹ PLAY THE SONG BEFORE YOU START READING

Magic by Coldplay

 I stood there and she cried. I didn’t know what to say and I knew apologizing was not going to be the same. It wouldn’t have felt genuine and she hated half apologies. The only source of light still in the room was that which was coming out of my laptop. The light dimmed and then after a few minutes it went dark.

The traffic lights and the beams from the neighbouring buildings now lighted the room. We were both still sobbing but standing at opposite ends of the room. I wasn’t entirely sure why I was crying. I wasn’t sure if it was because she had stumbled on my diaries or if it’s because she had now seen the depths of my pain and it had to be addressed and that scared me. It left me feeling exposed and vulnerable.

I had spent so many years building up a wall to protect me from a day like this where the pain would be visited. I couldn’t be seen as weak, I wouldn’t let anyone or any situation make me feel vulnerable again.

Her sobbing stopped briefly and I could feel her staring at me. My eyes had now adjusted to the darkness and I felt her eyes on my skin. I wasn’t sure how to approach the situation; I didn’t know what to say. I had never prepped for a situation like this and I didn’t know the right way to approach talking.

Then it happened and she started sobbing again. She got off her seat, bent down and picked up her phone and bag. She began walking towards her room door. She stopped in the middle of the living room, now she was more visible to the eye and she said amidst her sobs; 

“Efia, I get it. I really do. I just never knew it was that bad. The hate inside you is crippling. I’m not even sure how you bare to look at me.”

And then she walked into her room.

I just stood there and watched her walk away. After a few minutes, I headed to the couch. Sitting down, I ran my finger over the touchpad and the laptop lit up. I clicked on one of the first videos I made. It was during my identity crisis phase. I had nappy natural hair and I tried to desperately believe that I was Jamaican, listening to a whole lot of Bob Marley and co. I was so young and broken. I still was.

I watched a few more videos before I knocked out for the night on the couch.

.     .      .     .     .     .     .

My whole apartment had this empty feel about it. I could feel the silence around the room. The hallways carried this empty feel in the walls. I slowly sat up and stretched out my arms in the air as I woke up the rest of my body.

I looked around the room and the headache I had reminded me of the night before. I let out a deep sigh. Scanning myself, I noticed my makeup smeared all over my arm I slept on and the couch. I got up and patted my hair down. I headed for my mom’s room.

She was religiously always awake before everyone else was and praying. Today, there were no voices coming out of the room.

I came close and leaned my ear into the door; nothing. I knocked and heard nothing so I opened the door.

The room was neat and tidy. The bed made, the tables dusted and all her stuff gone. There was a note on the table and it indicated that she was leaving to stay at a hotel and was fine with being left alone.

I was sad that she left but I was more irritated that my dad had called me a few times. I just wanted to avoid the situation like I had done majority of the time.

I decided to shelve it and put it in the back of my mind. I had other things to worry about. I walked into my kitchen and I sat there on the island of the kitchen with a concerned look on my face. I had a decision to make. Would I be able to move on from Damien or was I going to be stuck and lose a good man in Lovell?

It had been one hell of a rollercoaster ride of emotions and I just wanted stability. Damien had showed me how important he was to me by being able to stay away but in the same breath, he scared the crap out of me because of how important he was to me. Lovell seemed like the safe bet.

He was local and was proving himself to me as the days went by. I picked up my phone and dialled Lovell’s number and asked him to come over.

If we were ever going to become something, I needed to be upfront with him.

He arrived at my place about 30 minutes later. And I explained the night before and my leaving. I told him about Damien and how much I cared about him. I let him in on some of the difficulties with my mom. He just listened. And then when I was done. He sighed deeply.

He got up from where he was sitting on the couch away from me and then he sat down next to me. He held my hand and looked at my face. He said,

 “Efia, you know how much I care about you. You have captivated me and I have wanted you for myself the whole time. I understand that there are things you might have experienced before I came into the picture but I arrived wanting to be everything to you. The sad thing is I was once in a similar situation where I gave myself to someone else when I was still madly in love with another and I was stuck for many years while I wanted to be with someone else. Many of us think we can replace the one we love with a good enough replica. It might work for a while but after, the heart wants what it wants. I would be fighting a lost cause if I asked you to pick me over him when you’re not ready yet. You have to make that decision by yourself. Besides from what I have seen and how he made you feel before you returned from Sydney; nobody can love you like he can. And in regards to your mom, forgive her Efia, you’ve both been through way too much already.”

I clutched his hand tighter as I fought back tears. He was such a good man with a good heart. But he was right, my heart belonged to someone else and I had to wake up to that realization.

I gave him a long hug and a peck on the cheek and sent him on his way. He asked us to be friends and I knew we’d become great friends but I had to save some relationships first.

.     .      .      .     .

 I was standing in front of my mirror in my bathroom, I was thinking of everything that happened from Damien to Lovell to my mother. I needed calm in my life. I was constantly in this heightened state and it was weighing heavy on my heart. I was replaying what Lovell said about Damien and my mother. I knew he was the one. I had known it since Sydney but I tried to down play it and now here I was, wanting this man that I knew was the piece I was missing but too stubborn to fight for him.

Who cared what he had seen at dinner?

I might have been wrong but wrong on whose account?

He had been gone for months and I was supposed to not do anything with my life. It wasn’t fair.

But playing the blame game wasn’t going to help anyone. I looked over to my right on my bathroom sink and stretched for my cell phone. I picked it up and dialled *67 before dealing his number to hide my number.

It worked and he picked up.

I stayed silent for a short minute before I started talking,

“Damien, how much longer are you going to punish me for?”

I started with. He sighed because he knew I had gotten him by blocking my number. I continued,

“It’s been months and then you just show up?! And then you hide from me. You know what I’ve been through and putting me through all this is just not fair.  Why are you doing this to me?”

He gathered himself and prepared his response;

“Efia, the main reason I have stayed away is for both our benefits. You are still hurt and holding on to a lot of pain from what happened years ago. I’m not saying it’s not justified but it’s hindering you from loving me the way you should. You might be fine for a while and then it creeps in again. You’re so guarded that you can’t let anyone in and you’re so hurt that you don’t see when you’re now the one hurting people you love because you’re trying to not be hurt again. Efia, I love you and I’m scheduled to leave in 2days…”

My heart melted as he said that but then he continued,

“…but I will not agree to start a serious life with you, if you haven’t at least addressed the topic with your mother. I will not allow the cycle of hurt to go into my family. It ends here. Bye Efia”

I heard the phone click. He had hung up. I hated being hung up on with a passion but this was an exception.

That was how he got when he became really emotional. I dropped the phone and looked into the mirror at myself. Something had to give.

.     .      .      .      .

I was up all night thinking about Damien and the things he said. I was battling with his ultimatum. I hated ultimatums and being asked to do things I felt I wasn’t ready to do but when was I ever going to be ready?

All night, I gathered all the letters and notes I had written about the feelings of betrayal, hurt and pain I had felt growing up and hating my mother. It took me the whole day to realize it but I knew I had to do something. I gathered all the items and put them in a box. I was taking charge of the situation for the first time.

I texted my mother the address and asked her very nicely to join me. It was late and I didn’t expect her to show up but I also felt if she was awake, she would.

I was standing on the sand around a little campfire I had made. Next to me was a box of papers and big empty bottles.

The fire was burning high and my mother arrived next to me. We didn’t exchange pleasantries. I just started talking,

“to say I was hurt by what happened years ago would be an understatement. The feelings of betrayal and pain, defined my life and relationships. I did things. I hated myself and I hated you. I experimented with my body from men to women. I searched for something to fill that void. I searched for love. I pushed people away that got too close and I broke hearts because I could. I became engrained and accustomed to being one with hurt and it consumed me. But I am tired. I need to let this go…”

I started to cry

“I need to let this all go. So here we are…”

My tears now hindering my clear communication;

“You are going to help me put all these letters and items inside these glass bottles and together we will smash them on the rocks in the fire and let them burn. I want to let go once and for all. “

My mother and I took letter after letter, I had written way too many over the years and I stuffed them inside the jars. At the end we took a safe position like 10 ft away and began to throw the jars into the fire. It would hit the rocks and spark. And the papers would catch fire and burn. It was a significant therapeutic process.

I just needed her there with me to let go of all the hurt and pain. After the last jar, I turned awkwardly to leave not knowing what to say next. My mother quickly moved next to me and held me.

I said,

“I forgive you mama”

She rubbed my back and said

“I know baby. I know.

You are beautiful, brave and already a better woman than I ever was. I love you Efia. Thank you taking charge of your future. I wish I did.”                                                                    

We stood there for a while and just listened to the waves as they hit the rocks. It was great to be there with her. I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders.

 .     .     .      .     .     .

Like I Can by Sam Smith

The whole next day, I was physically tired from all the emotions from the weekend but more still had to be done. I had to get Damien back.

He wasn’t answering his phone again. He must have thought I was trying to convince him to stay without talking to my mother.

I knew I had to go and get him. I figured his favourite hotel, the Hilton, was where he was staying. Thankfully his hotel was not too far away; only a 17-minute drive. I got into my car and drove down there.

I walked into the lobby and told them my name. I asked the lady if he was staying there. She knew who he was;

“Ma’am, he just checked out about an hour ago. He said he had a flight to catch”

she told me.

“Shit!”

I muttered under my breath.

I stepped outside the hotel and felt the heat slap me in the face again. It was really hot.

I looked down at my Google maps to see the directions loading up. Then I glanced at the corner of my phone screen; 17% battery life.

It was the mid-afternoon and rush hour traffic was building up. I knew I had to stop and buy gas but also rush down to the airport.

45 miles away with 17% battery during rush hour, I knew I needed a miracle. There was no way that phone was going to last that long. I began driving and then I hit the freeway and the curse of the road hit; traffic.

Damien had to return his car at 5pm, and catch his flight at 7pm. And I was stuck in traffic 38 miles away with an hour plus to drive. It was 4:30pm. I was all kinds of screwed.

I tried to remember the name directions off the top of my head but it was hard, too many new roads I had never taken before. I continued to drive as I dimmed the lights on my phone and closed all the unused apps. I had been driving for about 10mins now and even without touching the phone, the battery was down to 8%.

Now I was panicking. I didn’t know where the car rental place was nor did I know what gate he was flying out of. I didn’t know how to get to the airport to begin with!

I saw a gas station over the right side of the freeway, so I exited. I ran inside the shop mart and asked out loud,

“Do you guys have any car chargers for Android phones?”

IPhone users be quiet please. Thank you.

The guy looked at me in my pensive state and pointed at the rack with all the chargers on it.

I furiously combed through them and pulled the one I needed out. I headed to the counter and threw it down. The man looked at me like I was crazy.

“Is that it?”

he asked. I nodded back.

“Debit or credit?”

he followed up. Stupid question I thought to myself.

“It doesn’t matter.”

I snapped back slightly irritated. I rushed to my car, which also needed gas. I pulled up next to the pump. I was about to get out of the car when I noticed that there was a message on the button for regular gas that said,

“Out of regular gas”

Who the fuck was ever out of regular gas?!!!

I jumped into my car and tried to find another pump. Same message on the next one, I was beginning to feel cursed. The next pump had the same message. Every fucking pump was out of regular gas!

Argh!!!

I hopped in the car and looked at my phone, 5% battery. I was truly scared now. I could not lose Damien for good. I just needed him. I knew it.

There was no man to love me the way he loved me. I just had to let him know that I was ready to let him in the way I should have this whole time.

As I stopped at the traffic light right before the ramp onto the freeway, I opened up the charger I just bought and plugged it in. Dead.

It didn’t work!

I just paid $7.99 for this freaking charger and it didn’t work?!

I knew I was cursed. I guess I wasn’t meant to meet up with Damien.

I was not sure about what I suppose to do. I wanted to get there as fast I could. I was weaving in and out of traffic and then I noticed another gas station further down the side of the free. I exited and bolted in.

There was a guy standing in line and just chatting up the attendant. I gave him this dirty look and then he moved out of my way.

I bought the charger and got into the car. I wasn’t sure why my battery life was going so fast but it was now down to 4%. I was now scared and ready to lose it. I opened the second charger I had bought and plugged it in. My phone buzzed to acknowledge the boost of power but then it didn’t charge. Fuck!

I got back on the road and got stuck in traffic. I was on the brink. I kept thinking about Damien. His touch, his smile, his voice, the way he walked, I kept thinking about the way he snored and denied it when he was awake or left his mouth open when he slept. I was in love with that man and I had to get him back.

The battery was at 3% when I pulled into the third gas station. Another charger bought, same effect. I guess something was wrong with the phone. But I had bought three different brands of chargers and not a single one had worked. I was losing all hope. It was now 4:52pm. There was no way; I was going to make it in time I thought.

In a brief moment of clarity, I thought to ask the attendant inside the gas station for verbal directions in case my phone finally died. In hindsight, I probably should have just written out the Google directions but who really thinks about that under pressure?

The man was kind enough to give me directions

“….when you get to the Galleria exit, there will be 3 roads. One to the left 610 N, one to the right 610 S and then one curved road that goes under the ramp. Make sure you take that one and go for about 12 lights and then make a right on to Telephone road. It will lead you to the car rental place”

I thanked the man as I bolted out of the store as I heard him yell out,

“Drive safe!”

The phone was now at 2%. I was following his directions and marvelling at the craze all this had put me through. I was carefully watching my route and trying to not forget the directions the man had given me. I was now staring the Galleria exit in front of me. I remember him repeating that I not turn a certain way, I was trying to pay attention and I got closer and began to prepare to make that turn but I saw no one going down that road. There was also an airport sign, to the right. I had to make a split second decision, go with the man or the city planners that knew to put that sign there.

Like many, I ignored the great directions I had gotten so far and turned right. And turned straight onto the ramp. A large truck obstructed the view of the freeway and then the truck moved out of my way. I looked down the backed up freeway and right there, the tears began to flow. It was already 5:04pm.

I was never going to make it, I thought to myself. Damien was always on time. He always planned ahead. There was no way he was going to be late. And one of the traits that attracted me to me him initially was now something that was making me sad.

I was now crying hard. I pulled over to the side of the freeway and began to think. How could I get to the airport and at least try to stop him from leaving?

My mind was racing, my battery was dying and my friend Vicki wasn’t answering. I wanted to call Lovell but how would I call the man I was turning down to drive me to win the man I was leaving him for. It would be cruel.

And then, it clicked!

I knew someone staying in the area.

I dialled the number and it began to ring and I swear it felt like it was ringing forever. I was now thinking to myself I was sure I was never meant to see happiness. I just couldn’t explain it. The one place I had found happiness, I had managed to push away. My fears of loneliness and emptiness seemed to be actualizing. I just couldn’t catch a break and then I heard a voice,

“Hello”

I sat up and looked focused and said,

“Mummy”

She stopped. She sounded taken aback by what I had just called her. I had not called her that in a long time. Years even.

“Efia baby, what’s wrong?”

I could hear the concern in her. I would normally have played tough but I couldn’t. I just let it all out,

“Maa. I’ve lost him. I’ve lost the man I love because I couldn’t forgive. I couldn’t see the great benefits of the love he showed me because I was so blinded by the hate that consumed my heart. Now he is gone mom. He is gone. Damien is gone mother. I lost him. I tried to make it down to the airport but I couldn’t. He’s gone mom. He’s….”

I started sobbing as I heard the phone beep to remind me I had critically low battery.

“It’s okay my love, where are you now? Let me come and meet you” 

I told her where I was right before the phone disconnected. And then all I had to do was wait. Wait patiently while the man I loved was about to hop on a plane to the other end of the world. The thought of not seeing him gave me shivers.

It was just crazy how my mother was the only one to answer.

She showed up like 10 minutes later and I left my car on the side of the road and jumped into hers. I directed her to head for the airport. I couldn’t contain her driving. I just felt nobody except myself could go as fast as I wanted to.

My mother was driving really fast. Weaving through the now slowly moving traffic. It was now past six. I was worried he would go beyond security and that would be the end of it.

Funny how life works that my mother who I hated the most was now the one driving me to keep hold of the happiest thing in my life.

She got us there and it was 6:27pm.

I jumped out of the car and ran to the security checkpoint by the airline he was flying with. I scanned the lines and I couldn’t find him.

I couldn’t believe that I had gotten this close after everything; it truly wasn’t meant to be. And then I looked up one more time and there he was!

He had been taking off his shoes to go through the airport scanner.

My heart jumped!

“Damien! Damien!”

I yelled out loud.

He looked backwards as if he looked in my direction but I wasn’t tall enough and even if he was looking for the voice, my 5’5 frame would have made it impossible for him to see me through the crowd.

“Damien!”

I screamed.

He heard that one and stopped. Everyone in the line stopped and looked at me. I looked crazy but my brother always said, 

“Love would make people do irrational and illogical things for its sake.”

Here I was in the airport making a nuisance out of myself. I could see him now facing my direction with me still hidden.

“I let hate, pain and fear, consume me. It dictated my life for the longest time. I wanted to love but I didn’t know how. And then you came along and showed me what love was about. Patient when you needed to be firm when I need a strong hand. You are everything to me Damien Brown. I would not be here embarrassing myself in front of all these people if I didn’t think it was you that I wanted and needed. Please don’t get on that plane. I need you here with me.”

I was crying and I bowed my head as I finished talking. Everyone seemed to turn and now look at him. It was like they were telling him to make his move. He took off his jewellery and placed it in the bin and he did the craziest thing. He walked through the scanner, got scanned and put all his items on! And just like that, he disappeared towards the gates for the flights.

I was so confused. I was broken.

Why would he leave?

How could he leave me?

I came here for him. I came to get him. After all I went through to get here. He still left?!

I was for sure crushed.

I turned around and headed towards the waiting arms of my mother. It had taken over a decade to arrive here but she was here. I needed her and she was right here.

I could not have believed she would be the one to hold me now. I slumped into her arms and began sobbing. She was tearing up too.

She held me close and ran her hand down the back of my head and neck.  It was soothing and it was what I needed as people thought we were a mother and daughter weeping the departure of a loved one.

She was holding me close and then her crying began to stop. I could feel a change in her hold on me.

And she slowly let me go… I didn’t want to be let go off.

She pulled back and I looked at her with confusion. I was about to speak when I felt a strong hand on my shoulder. I didn’t turn around,

“The power of forgiveness and newness can never be quantified. You let go of hurt and pain. You faced your fear and conquered it. Will there be days when those feelings will come back? Yes.

But you are one tough cookie and I know you’ll be strong. You are brave, beautiful and you have a good heart. I am sorry for leaving. I should have stayed and held your hand but I am here now and I want you to know I love you and I want to be with you. You truly deserve all the love and happiness this world can give.”

Damien’s voice closed out. I turned around and looked up to his eyes. I smacked on his chest as he pulled me closer. He held me tight. This man was the one I loved. He saw me when I was weak and broken. He stood for me.

“You came back Damien”

I said.

He responded,

“Leaving would have been my greatest regret ever.  I promise to never leave again”

I looked at my mom now standing to my side. She nodded. I smiled.

He squeezed me tighter. It felt right.

It was perfect.

“We go through various emotions in life. Some leave glowing impacts on our lives and some cut deep and scar badly. The stories are different. Our methods are different. The pain is different but our end goal should be the same; forgiveness and peace. Even though I created this story from head to toe, there are relatable lessons I hope people picked up. You might be in a cycle of hurt right now; hurting others for the way others hurt you. Break the cycle and aim for peace.

You might know someone who is broken and recovering from hurt, if you love them, never rush them. You can never quantify their pain. Just love as hard as you can and be patient. Let your unconditional love do the talking.

You might have that one call or text you need to send. DO IT!

You deserve to be happy, to be free. You deserve peace. Take the wheel on your feelings. Control your own cycle of emotions. Don’t remain a victim to hurt and hate.

Stay Up.”

                                                                             – @adewus4real

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