There are few moments in life where things make you take a beat. Sometimes after a beating. Other times, after realizing that you need to truly stop and breathe. For years, the phrase “na me fuck up” was all too familiar. Stupid decisions, trusting wrongly, not speaking plainly and sometimes falling blindly. I would sit down and cry while beating up myself. “Sanmi, you should know better” “How could you?” I was mostly burned and forced to write pieces like Fuck Your Friendship. Burned by “friends” or “love interests”. I was always a feeler – I allowed myself to see the best in people. I get it from my dad. There was once someone that dragged my father’s name in public. I knew he was in the right but he kept his cool and kept encouraging us to be calm. One evening, I came back from school and I noticed a few extra cars outside. As I made my way in, I heard voices. The person had come with their family and friends to beg my father – they were on their knees asking for forgiveness. I wanted him to publicize it but he said no. The words he left me with have stuck. “In certain situations, you will learn lessons that you truly wish you could have avoided but they will shape you. Peace within you is a higher grade than public validation” It never really clicked for me until I became a man. I would sit down and beat myself for poor decisions. Why didn’t I listen to my friends about this person or why did I stay in that situation? Why did I let them back in? All that and more. But here is the truth, you will make mistakes and with all the lessons I have learned, I still make them. The best you can do is continue to improve as you go along. Have a short memory for the fuckups but cherish the growth points and the future you will have with those lessons. So 2018 has been filled with less “Na me fuck up” moments. People will always try to drag you back and remind you of your fuckups but stay focused. Seriously. It will be hard and you may be down on yourself. But don’t let it linger. I used to say there was no one I regretted being friends with or dating but there is one person. While we shared some great times, they make me regret ever knowing them. And it is easy to wallow. You want to continue to kick yourself! But to what end? Oh, he was playing you? She never really loved you and she used you? Okay, it has happened and you have learned. Now stand up and forgive yourself. Yes, not them. Forgive yourself for the guilt, pain, shame, and rage you feel. You are amazing and you will continue to live and learn. You will still make more of those mistakes and you will scale challenges with ease – you are evolving.e Every single day. And yes, you deserve some accolades!
What are some things that have had you saying “na me fuck up” lately? Comment below and let’s talk.
Thanks for reading as always!
Black.Gay.Waiting Part 4 out on Saturday!
Please watch this space!
Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated.
I called you, twice It kept ringing No answer The next time we talk It will be over The story The movie Battery, dead Love? Left.
Unpacked & Abandoned.
You ever moved to a new place and as you are planning to leave the current place, you decide that certain things won’t go with you?
The old bed frame, that broken toaster, the deadbeat partner? 👀
Unpacking is a cornerstone of growth and change.
Sometimes we don’t actively recognize that but it is so important.
The mind is like a train, things come in and get off, some come on and never get off. There is so much that will influence you in life but not all of it needs to enter your next phase with you.
Recently, I started thinking about the things that I have experienced in my past that I still carry around with me and how they could be affecting my future.
Yes, he cheated on you or you let her walk all over you.
Unpack that and set it down, so you can thrive.
Many of us allow those interactions/experiences/moments define us going forward. It is important to cherish some things in the now but let them go.
Why are you always worried about what he might do to hurt you?
Why do you always get defensive when women get close?
Have you seriously unpacked the things that you carry?
For the first few years after my relationship, I couldn’t imagine feeling the amount of love that put me at risk of getting as hurt as I did.
I actively avoided anything that will allow me to fall that hard for someone. In some cases, I would blatantly self-sabotage myself to prevent chances of being hurt.
I had to stop once and ask myself, why do you keep carrying that around?
The annoying thing with unpleasant things you haul around is that it is sometimes the first thing new people see when they meet you.
In the second conversation, your hurt, doubts, and insecurities start showing and he/she wants to run as far away from you as possible.
And the part that sucks the most is that it is so far away from who you really are.
Set some time aside, the things you have seen or been through are all very valid but they should not govern your life and your path forward.
What are the good things? Note them and cherish them.
Everything else? Let them go.
It is not enough to unpack.
When you take your stuff to Goodwill or Salvation Army to donate, you don’t later go back to buy it.
It takes intentionality to thrive and move forward.
You need to make it a daily choice to bask in your greatness. You have let go of the “waste”, now focus on the great.
Most people will reckon that packing can be difficult because you don’t know what you will need where you are going.
It is much easier after a trip to know what you don’t need for the next one. So toss it.
Abandon it, you will be better for it.
#WordsOfWednesday #WTHM #TheRantsShow
Black.Gay.Waiting Part 4 out on Saturday!
Please watch this space!
Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated.
It’s 5:02am and I up!
Super thankful to God for another year and just stoked to try and achieve more of my dreams in 2018.
I always pray a prayer; I thank God for being faithful even when I am faithless and unfaithful.
That prayer means so much to me because it is thanking God for being God but also reminding myself to be better.
I’m up. It’s my 27th birthday today and I feel blessed.
Most of my friends usually have what I like to call the “birthday blues” around their birthdays and for the first time in my life, I experienced what that felt like yesterday.
Randomly, I went into a funk. I started to question and dissect my life, my happiness.
A part of me was missing my parents, my siblings and some of the friends I hold dearest to me.
There was also this sense of emptiness that tried to fill me up. Weird right?
But thankfully, I was able to circle back into the things I appreciate about life and the life God has given me.
I am a heavily flawed man.
Some think I am short tempered, I am not always patient, I can be dismissive and I really can’t f-cking stand puff puff. And I’m going to bald soon! Ughhhhhh!
So yeah, I am a flawed man.
But I also love really hard, forgive easily, fight for those I love and I will go to bat for any of you!
My story is not perfect but the best part is that it is not complete.
God is still working on me and I am thankful he has you on my ride.
Today, I celebrate God in me.
Humbled by his grace, love and mercy. I truly thank God for not giving up on me.
Yup! I said I wasn’t going t cry but I typed that and the floodgates opened! Where is Sonny Badu when you need him.
But my God has been so faithful.
26 was good. Challenging but good.
27 can only be better.
To mark today, I am going to give you guys 3 sides of me.
Please never let the chronological expectations of life rob you of your birthday glow! And please do something you will be proud of in 2019. Read my 2018 mantra – Sink OR Swim here and then take the leap!
From the desk of The Wordsmith, it’s a very special edition of WordsOfWednesday! Happy Birthday to Me!
1.
THE FLAWED ME
It’s clear
My mistakes are like a parking ticket.
After driving fast and evading reality
It caught up to me when I was parked trying to walk and not run.
I am like Adam.
Stealing from God, betraying his trust and rejecting his favor
Ungrateful son
Putting myself to the sword
It feels good
To return home like a prodigal son
I tried to sneak back in
The alarms went off
He saw me from a mile and around the corner
Like my pops
He didn’t say much
I knew I had done wrong
So I snuck into my room and cried
When I emerged, he had dinner ready
The keys to his ride
To a higher place
He didn’t speak about my mistakes
He didn’t have to, I knew
We knew
I just had to not make them again
2.
“You Are God” – Nathaniel Bassey
(feat. Chigozie Achugo)
You are God from beginning to the end There’s no place for argument You are God all by yourself You are God from beginning to the end There’s no place for argument You are God all by yourself
You’ve got times and seasons in your hands You called for light out of darkness You don’t need a man to be the God you are But you have chosen to call me your own
There is something about this song. It makes me so humbled by where I am today.
Sometimes I think back to all of the lows in my life and how I thought I would never pull through. From heartbreak to betrayal to backsliding, God has always got me.
It is so humbling and scary that someone can love you through all of the “everything”. So I wanted to share this song with you all.
The lines in song that really get me are
You don’t need a man to be the God you are But you have chosen to call me your own
Like this God really took me through it all and doesn’t need any man or what any man says to be amazing to me. I am so grateful.
I am far from perfect and evolving but it is so comforting to have a God that will never forsake me.
3.
27 THINGS ABOUT THE WORDSMITH
When was the last time you cried?
This morning. Panic not, I was just overwhelmed by how good God is and how loved I am.
Do you have any special talents?
WHATHECKMAN! 😊
Do you have any siblings?
3 absolute rockstars!
How would you describe your fashion sense?
London living Bachelor with NY taste and Italian Influence who still wants you to know that omo naija ni mi
What’s the #1 most played song on your iPod?
Hola Hola by Sugarboy
What sound do you love?
The sound of my direct deposit hitting my account.
What is your favorite form of exercise?
Partner exercises. 👀
Which celebrity do you get mistaken for?
Pleasure P.
What was the first thing you bought with your own money?
My car.
What story does your family always tell about you?
My mom loves this story but when I was a little kid somewhere between 2-3, I had bow legs but I Was cute as shit! (yes, she includes this in the story) Anyways, we had a TV in their bedroom and in the living room, so I would turn on both of them and then run back and forth between rooms to try and see if the Tv’s were showing the same exact thing. Of course by the time I made it around the corner, the frames would have changed but yeah, young me.
For the sake of today, I’ll tell you lot another one but my mom always talks about growing up as a kid, I would always come to her with a smile. No matter what happened the say before. I would be singing and barge into any room in the house with a song in my mouth. And when I am around my parents, it still happens.
When was the last time you had an amazing meal?
Brethren, it depends on what kind of meal we are talking about. 👅😴👀
What do you want to be when you grow up?
As per sey 27 never grown abi? Okay o, I sha want to be impactful. No matter what I lay my hands on, I want to positively change lives.
If you had to work on only one project for the next year, what would it be?
A way to bring free education to all the kids in Africa.
What would you do if you won the lottery?
Short answer:- Change lives
Long answer:- Hennessy ti wo body!
What do you do when you’re not working?
Be alone, write, listen to music and talk to my friends. Also started watching sermons on Youtube again, so yeah that too.
When people come to you for help, what do they usually want help with?
Someone to talk through their problems with and bounce ideas off. Wide range of things to be honest.
What is your favorite way to relax?
Laying on my carpet in my living room and not being spoken to.
What social customs do you wish would just disappear?
Basically, anything that marginalizes or oppresses women.
What is your favorite holiday?
Touring Europe with Itafe.
Tell us one of your bad habits!
I am very stubborn. And sometimes when I form opinions about something and I feel strongly about it, I rarely change my mind. I can be dismissive. I am a horrible texter (blame this on people that write me essays tho). I forgive people that have repeatedly burned me.
Favorite memory from childhood?
Christmas at my grandfather’s house with all my cousins from all over the world.
Favorite smells?
Cologne. A particular brand of perfume that a friend of mine wears. Just anything clean or from Bath and Body Works.
What’s the first thing you notice about people?
How they treat other people, how loud their voice is or isn’t. Teeth as well. Does it appear clean or not?
What terrifies you the most?
That I am a fraud or that I won’t maximize the potential I see and people see in me.
I was really bullied and taken advantage of as a kid. Boarding school was initially rough. It stuck with me.
Self-esteem issues and confidence issues. Maybe that’s why I am never able to enjoy my successes, I am always looking over my shoulder. Worried about the drop. I never understand why people like me or are fascinated by me. I think I am a decent host and writer or singer. People want me to write a book but I worry like it failing will break me and reinforce my fear of not being good enough, so I have stalled on it. But yeah, I don’t think I am handsome, I don’t get what people see. And I think all of that came from those childhood feelings. So there you have that.
How much control do you really have over yourself?
Too much. Sometimes I just need to let myself live.
How would you describe yourself in 5 words?
Flawed. Talented. Emotional. Loving & Shy.
What makes you smile?
Honestly, making you and all the people I love smile in every extension of myself.
Thank you for always supporting me and being here with me!
Here is to an AMAZING 2018 for all of us! From The Wordsmith and all of WhatTheHeckMan ~ I love you all!
Bless.
Come back next week for Part 4!
#BGW #SanmiSaturdays #WTHM
I was sitting in a sexual harassment refresher about 5 years ago. My job at the time made it mandatory that everyone within the company took the training once a year.
It was the very first time I heard the phrase “it is not your intent, it’s your impact”.
Now, believe me, the first time I heard that I was like “that is selfish!”
If I’m not trying to hurt you and you get hurt, that’s your problem. Not mine!
But as he explained it further, I began to understand the responsibility placed on us as people and as people who have others we love.
Now the initial discussion was about sexual harassment right?
An example of how intent vs. impact works was imagine showing up to work tomorrow and you see Sally on your way in.
You tell Sally “I love your dress, it really brings out your figure”
In your mind, you have done something nice. Most of us would think like that. Start Sally’s day with a compliment right? Make her feel good a bit?
What happens when you find out that Sally took offense to that. Imagine for a second that Sally was having a crappy morning and her mother had criticized her weight earlier that day.
Your comment reawakening the crappy feeling she already had – impact.
Intent vs. Impact.
Since that day, I have always tried to apply the same logic to my friendships and romantic relationships.
I understand that it is human to offend but more importantly, how I approach something is the only thing I can account for.
How someone receives it, is their choice as well.
They are entitled to that.
And even when it annoys you and you feel like they are taking a piss, you have to still look at things from their end.
It is also important to be aware that while someone may offend you and that was their impact, it may not have been their intention.
The best way to look at this is how you want to be loved.
Anyone that knows me well enough knows that I hate talking about things I cannot change.
Things that aggravate me are words with no action and feeling powerless in a situation.
I used to date someone in a long distance situation that would say, “you never come to see me or even talk about it”
In their mind, my lack of dialogue around it has impacted them into thinking, I don’t care.
But that is not my intention. For one, like I explained earlier, I hate empty talk. I am a doer, if I want something, I wait till I can execute till I bring it up.
Until we had a conversation about it, she always thought I just didn’t care.
5years ago, I would have said she was being selfish for not understanding my intent but you have to communicate it.
It is also your responsibility when you love someone to afford them the benefit of the doubt.
One of my partners used to be horrible with the public display of affection and love.
I host a radio show and I expect that a woman that loves me, would listen and support weekly.
But she was one of those people in the background.
Listening but never using the hashtag or commenting. It bothered me for a while. But I had to understand that her intent was not to seem uninterested or absent.
Did it annoy me? Hell yes, but I had to see the big picture.
This also brings me to the concept of how you love people.
You have to understand your past successes in relationships count for nothing if the current one you are in is failing.
Nobody wants to be in a failed relationship or friendship but it takes work to make all of that tick.
I am pretty confident that nobody likes the idea of repeatedly saying, “that’s not what I meant”
That is part of where the work comes in. You have to be able to align your intentions and your impact.
That is one of the ways relationships/friendships are successful.
I have a friend that gets mad at me all the time for my response times to text messages. They assume that I must not care or that I am just absent.
Totally untrue but I understand where there are coming from.
I get busy, absent-minded, distracted or forgetful but at no point does any of that translate to not caring.
But it happens and people feel things.
If you love them, tell them.
Fight for them.
Support them.
Be available and
Try to be sensitive to their needs. Their concerns, frustrations.
Also, try to give them the benefit of the doubt. Do not start every thought with assuming that they are doing everything to hurt you.
If there is anything you need to remember today from this, make sure your intent and impact are as closely aligned as possible.
You won’t always get it right but you can try.
Now, if you don’t get me a gift for my birthday, the impact is that I will be very upset and NO, I don’t care about your bloody intent. 😂
Okay, just kidding.
Go out there this week and be great. Until next week, it has been WordsOfWednesday from the desk of The Wordsmith.
Bless.
Follow @adewus4real and please LEAVE ME A COMMENT BELOW! Thanks!
#WordsOfWednesday #WTHM #TheRantsShow
Black.Gay.Waiting Part 3 out on Saturday!
Please watch this space!
Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated.
Head first in the deep,
I may sink or swim
Learning how to breathe
I end as I begin
Oh, I don’t know if I can do it, do it
I’m not sure I can do it, do it
I know I wanna do it, do it
Fuck it, I’m gonna do it, do it
Cos I gotta feeling… (Deep inside of me)
Telling me to do it… (Deep inside of me)
–Sink or Swim by Jacob Banks
The very first time I heard the song, it was at the Jacob Banks concert. I had been slacking as a fan because I had never properly listened to the song even though I had the EP on my computer.
So the night before the show, I was watching videos to a lot of the songs I had listened to and I played it.
Very easily liked it but it still did not register.
When I got to the concert and he played the song, he had changed it.
He changed the pitch, the melody was tweaked a bit and everyone was singing along except me.
And it was in that moment I realized how much I liked the song.
So I went back home and just binged on it and that was how I fell in love.
I knew standing in that crowd and mouthing off that this song was going to define my 2018; Sink or Swim.
Many of you reading this, started this writing/blogging journey with me.
In many cases, you have watched my evolution as a writer, creative, host, and most importantly, as a man.
I think with that evolution, comes a sense of ownership.
People think I should believe in myself more and it should be reflective. They are right.
I think I am a pretty decent everything listed about. But most times, people around me see more.
More than I can and more than I am sometimes willing to admit.
I think I am a pretty good writer but not great. Same goes for hosting my show or being a big brother or anything.
I mostly operate in the above average range.
That is about to change.
2018 is my sink or swim year in many senses.
One, it is the year I venture out of my comfort zones and tell the stories that I keep locked away.
It is the year where I approach discussions and creative platforms that scare, challenge and motivate me.
It is the year I tell myself “do it” and damn the consequences.
It is the year I take the love I deserve and settle for nothing less. I have written many times about the fear of being alone. Like even in the times I was single, I was never alone.
And out of the fear of not having to walk alone, I have settled for less than I deserve. No more.
It is the year of creative exploration on a more spiritual level (Check out my current series Black.Gay.Waiting here). When I wrote Black Gay Waiting, people freaked out. Some thought I was gay, some called me gay.
But it was mostly because the story was so believable but also because I wrote it, expect more.
2018 is also the year that I allow myself to be more vulnerable spiritually. I have always hidden behind the bare minimum. “Oh just enough that God knows I love Him and I do His work” but never truly pushing the envelope like I should. Change.
WhatTheHeckMan, TheRantsShow and I have all grown over the years but in a way, I feel like we stagnated last year.
The numbers say we didn’t but maybe because I am the force behind all of those things, and I’m never content with what I have, I want to push for more and more is what we are getting.
In 2018, everything should feel like a jump off a cliff.
You obviously have a parachute in your bag but no plans to use it. You’ll jump and soar.
Glide into your victories and be miles above your enemies.
Too often, we are okay with okay. “Okay, I think if I hit this level, I’ll be okay” “What I have done so far, is okay jare”
All very fair but there is more. There will be more. And it is okay to chase it.
2018, do not be okay with being above average because if the entire world is above average, then technically, you’re average.
I remember when I moved out of my parent’s house, what is now 9 years ago.
The plan was to split my rent.
I had gotten a part-time job and for the first 6 months, my parents were going to support me.
8 days after moving out, I lost the job.
My girlfriend at the time, bless her heart was the rock that held me through as I waited four months for another job.
It would be as a lifeguard.
I didn’t even know I could swim, until one day there was an emergency in the pool and I had to dive in and save a kid.
That is how I am approaching this year.
I don’t know if I can do it,
I am not sure if I can do it,
But I know I want to do it,
So fuck it, I AM GOING TO DO IT!
My name is Sanmi Adewunmi. You may know me as Adewus4real or The Wordsmith.
I create and I do a damn good job of it.
In 2018, I am pushing myself to the limits and challenging every person that is reading this to do the same.
Here is what will happen.
Not trying to be negative but we will fail at some things – but we will gather learnings to improve new approaches and we will succeed at many things and thrive in our best lives.
None of which won’t happen if you don’t jump in the water.
Write those goals out.
If you are religious, pray about them.
Religious or not, work hard at them.
Success will come.
It has to.
Say it with me, “In 2018 and beyond, I will thrive in everything I set my heart, my mind, my body and my soul to”
In 2018, we swim!
So get in the water.
And if you think you are going to drown, don’t worry, I gotchu.
After all, I was a lifeguard for all of 5 months!
Let’s go out there and take 2018; spiritually, financially, romantically, creatively, professionally, physically and any other kind of “cally”
This is the first WordsOfWednesday for 2018 and I promise to be more consistent with these this year.
Please retweet, comment, share and let me know if you plan to Sink or Swim this year.
Come back next Wednesday for another piece and make sure you catch the next episode of @TheRantShow before that. Also find the track that inspired my approach to 2018 below~
I appreciate you all.
2018 is ours. Part 3 of Black.Gay.Waiting will be out this Saturday! I promise! ❤️
LEAVE ME A COMMENT BELOW! START THE NEW YEAR RIGHTTTTTTT! lol
Bless & Happy New Year!
#WordsOfWednesday #WTHM #TheRantsShow
Black.Gay.Waiting Part 3 out on Saturday!
Please watch this space!
It was 6am in the morning, I was just standing out in the middle of the quadrangle and looking embarrassed.
Wet.
I was trying to understand how I missed it.
My clothes were on the window pane to my left. I had placed them there before I began to bathe myself as I prepared for school.
Why would someone do this to me?
This was only my first morning in boarding school.
I wanted the safety of my home.
My temperature controlled shower, consistent electricity, hot breakfast and just emotional safety!
Here I was thrust into the “wild”.
Anyone that experienced it will tell you straight up that it builds character and forces you to face a lot of the fears you will meet in life.
One thing it also does though, it awakens fears you never thought you had.
That cold morning, I stood there and wished I could teleport.
I swear I had seen my clothes there. Just a minute before.
Someone obviously moved it because they wanted to teach me a lesson.
I eventually made my way into my dorm and tried to forget that had happened, but it hurt.
That day, I prayed that I would never be in that kind of situation again.
Well, I have been in that situation 3 times since then but this had to be the most embarrassing.
My father, a renowned minister, was standing less than 10 feet away from me while I clutched my undergarments to protect my exposed genitalia.
Fuck!
How did this happen?
How did he know I was here?
“Pastor, I am sorry”
Micah said in whimpering tone.
“Shut up!”
My father barked back at him.
He looked up to me and said
“You are still at this?! After everything your mother and I have done for you?”
My head dropped.
He continued on
“You are a disgrace. A complete disgrace.”
It was at that point I dropped my clothes on the bed and I started putting my boxers on.
I was so tired of being called all sorts for being who I was.
My father turned to Micah and said
“…and you, I cannot believe you would do this. I never want to see you again.
Or anywhere near the church.”
He stormed out without saying another word.
I quickly put the rest of my clothes on and followed. Micah tried to grab me, I stopped and he said
“I’m sorry. This is my fault”
I smiled and gave him a kiss on his lips and then said
“Don’t be. You did nothing wrong”
as I wiped his lip.
He dropped his head and I patted his cheek as I walked out.
Walking into the parking space, my father said to me
“Give him the keys”
referring to his driver who was now standing outside to my left, right next to my car.
I wanted to ask why but I knew why.
He wanted us to ride together so he could berate me further.
I didn’t question it, I tossed my keys to Dimeji, our longtime family driver and the man that taught me how to drive.
He nodded, almost in apology and then entered my car.
I walked over to my father’s car and entered.
To my surprise, he did not say a single word during the entire ride home.
When we got home, I went straight to my room and stayed there most of the day.
I shuffled between scrolling through Twitter and watching season 4 of the Blacklist. I was basically trying everything to get my mind off what had just happened.
My mom was out of the country and returning later that night. One thing was for sure, my father was always going to tell my mother what happened.
They tell each other everything.
So I knew it was only a matter of time before she was brought up to speed.
And she was going to be home in a few hours.
…..
I was awakened by the buzzing of my phone.
I actually didn’t realize I had fallen asleep. As I answered, I tried to keep my eyes closed.
The voice on the other end was familiar. It said
“Are you ready?”
I wasn’t understanding. So I asked
“Ready for what?”
She said
“Drinks. I texted you and told you I was coming”
I hadn’t seen the text. Probably because I was sleeping. So I asked
“Where are you?”
“10mins away”
she replied
I sighed and said
“Aight, I’ll be out in a bit”
I quickly got up, brushed my teeth and then washed my face before heading out the room.
As I approached the living room, I could hear the sounds of the television – MSNBC.
That was one of my dad’s favourite channels, so I quickly put it together that he was in there.
I knew I had to walk past him and I was going to do it as quickly as possible.
As I entered the living room and was almost out of the main door, he said
“Ni bo lo da?” – translating to “where to?”
I stopped in my tracks, turned to my right where he sat and said
“I am grabbing dinner with a friend”
He squeezed his face and dismissed me with his mouth closed.
And out I was.
In the car waiting for me was Sandra.
One of my true best friends and one of the only few that knew my situation.
As I sat in the car, she turned and gave me a hug.
She followed it up by saying
“How are you?”
In that moment, I wanted to break down and cry but I mustered the strength and said
“I think I’m okay hun.
Like… I don’t know but I’d like to think that I’m good”
We chatted about her week and her boyfriend whom she felt was dragging his feet and not proposing.
I told her to be calm, after all, only 20 months of dating was never going to be enough time to know someone.
Sandra was extra like that.
As they cleared our table, Sandra asked for the check and brought out her wallet.
I looked at her with confusion and said
“What are you doing?”
She scoffed, smiled and said
“Paying. Or what does it look like?”
I was about to reply when she said
“Abeg hold that your machismo nonsense. I got this one.”
I just swallowed my words. She then asked
“So what are you going to do?”
I looked up to her and locked my fingers into each other as I said
“I honestly don’t know but I sure as hell know that I am tired.
I mean for crying out loud, I am almost 30!
I have never had sex and I have done everything my family has asked of me…but I cannot change who I am!
This is who I fucking am. Sandra it is soo tiring.
Is it my fault that my parents are pastors? Or that I like men and not women?
Like let’s get this straight, I am almost fucking thirty! Like is it because I moved back home or something?
Like I am just tired”
She nodded as I could see the sadness all over her face.
She said
“I am sorry hun. I really am.
Let me just say this though. Just continue to be yourself. We appreciate you for who you are.
I know for sure that I do, and I love you for being you”
“Thanks love.”
I replied.
Dinner and those drinks certainly helped me feel a bit better. As I rode home in the back of the Uber, I couldn’t help but think about how much I had wanted to break free.
For many years, nobody knew of my status and I truly didn’t need people to know.
I was always sure that I never wanted people to treat me any kind of way because of my sexuality. I was going to be great at anything I did without being treated differently.
But how come my home never felt like I was welcome?
My father would preach love and togetherness, being non-judgmental, forgiveness and unconditional love.
Yet, since I became an adult, those things have been far away from me.
The Uber pulled up to the gate and said
“Okay sir, we are here”
I looked up and noticed we were in front of my house.
I grew up in that house and I had come to hate that house. Every time I brought up the idea of me moving out, my mother scoffed at it and tried to make me feel bad for not wanting to live with them.
I heaved a deep sigh as I knocked on the gate for the gateman to open.
The house was quiet when I got in but the television was on.
I turned it off and went to my room. As I began taking my clothes off, I heard the gate open.
My parents were back.
I turned the lights off and got into my bed.
I heard them make their way into the house. I could hear my mom’s voice and even though I hadn’t see her in a few weeks, I decided against coming out of my room.
I heard them talking in their bedroom which was a floor beneath mine but when the house was quiet enough, it felt like they were next door.
I heard the water running. I figured my mother was taking a shower.
Sleep came calling and soon enough I was struggling to keep my eyes open.
I hadn’t been asleep for too long when I heard my door open quickly.
By the fruity scent left behind, I figured it was mom that came to check if I was awake.
I was, but I was not ready for the things that followed.
…..
Sunday mornings were always sluggish for me.
I think as I got older, I hated the pressure that came from being a PK (Pastor’s kid). So I became more distant from the church in many ways.
I would still go but I was always late or very detached. Only at the church, my parents pastored.
This morning, I woke up and I just lay there for a while.
I kept playing that day and my dad walking in.
As I replayed the day, I kept blaming myself.
Maybe I shouldn’t have slept over or maybe I should have rushed and put my clothes on as I heard my dad barge in.
I kept going through a bunch of maybes but I eventually settled on the fact that, it already happened and there was nothing I could do to change it.
When I made it to church, praise and worship was just about to start.
For the next twenty-five minutes, we sang and danced to the glory of God.
Then came the Liberty prayer and then the announcements.
The sermon was about to start when I noticed my father hand the microphone to my mother.
He wasn’t taking the sermon today.
I figured that it was because of everything that had happened over the weekend, he wanted to absolve himself of any ill feelings while ministering.
My mother got up there like she had many times before and began preaching.
She was firm, she was direct and told it as it was.
The title of her sermon was “Finding Your Way Home”
A lot of what she said convicted me, I felt like I had drifted from God.
I used to be active in the church and closer in my journey against sexual immorality.
I had promised that I would never have sex until I was married.
And even though I had dated women and almost got married to one, I was determined to wait until after I was married to have sex.
Now some of you may say, but what is the point in going on God, when you are already gay.
I wish I knew but it felt like the right thing to do within me.
And that was what I was going to do.
Midway through her sermon, I remember my mother saying
“Some of us have been so blessed by God that we stray. We let the blessings get to us and then we forget all that he has done.
We start to simplify his goodness and take it for granted.
Brethren, I encourage you to never let the elevation you have in life, make you think you no longer need God…”
I remember thinking
“hmmm, maybe I had turned on God and forgotten how much he had blessed me…”
I was in that thought when I heard my name over the loudspeakers.
I looked up and my mother was motioning me towards the altar.
I looked around to be sure.
Slowly, I got up and walked to the front of the church.
She stepped down from the altar and came up to me.
Placing her hand on my shoulder she said into the microphone
“An example of forgetting home and God’s blessings is my son here.
God has given him so much that he has forgotten God to the point that he is now engaging in sinful acts that made God burn down Sodom and Gomorrah.
My son has been participating in a homosexual relationship”
The entire church gasped.
I swear I thought I had died for a second.
It was like I was hearing a cassette tape played backwards. Everything in my head was scrambled. I was stunned.
My eyes quickly welled up and I couldn’t understand.
“How could she do this to me?”
I thought to myself.
I turned and people in the congregation had their hands covering their mouths in shock.
Something in me wanted to run but I couldn’t.
My mom continued and said
“It is important that when people are trying to lead you back to Christ, you take note because you can be lost in the world”
As she finished, someone got up in the second row and said
“Abeg what is all this nonsense?
Is this what we came to church for?”
My mother, microphone to her lips, said
“Excuse you?”
And the man continued and said
“Yes, is this why we came to church. So you can air your personal drama?
We come for the word, not this theatrics.
Besides, this is not news at least not to your family. Your husband always knew and he has known for a while now, so why are you here lying to us.
Please let us hear word”
My mother, surprised, turned around and looked at my father.
He rose up with his head hung low.
He took two steps forward and then he slumped. My father died that morning.
What happens next?
Come back for Part 3 next Saturday!
Please leave a comment below. Thanks for reading!
Please leave me a comment or tweet at me here@adewus4real! Feedback is EVERYTHING~Thanks!
The End.
Part Three next Saturday and ready to drop! @adewus4real
Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated.
Thanks for the love and
I am so blessed.
I think I just need to start out with that. I am so undeservingly blessed, it baffles me.
Before anything else, I would love to join my faith with yours and pray that whatever it is you are waiting on God for, he will come through for you.
Now to why you are really here.
Yes you, the ones who… nvm. I’ll come back to you.
On Friday March 4th last year, I got a promotion at my job.
I was so excited. I told all my friends, family and even testified at church two days later.
Less than 3 hours after I had testified that Thanksgiving Sunday at church, my apartment went up in flames.
And I was plunged into unexpected debt.
My “best friend” at the time was a Godsend who opened a GoFundMe and helped me halve the debt I would eventually pay.
Why did I put best friend in air quotes you ask?
More on that later.
Last week Friday, just like last year, I got a job.
Not a promotion, an elevation.
New level. New status. New tax bracket. New grace.
But this time around, I was hesitant to celebrate and testify. Last year, the devil tried to steal my job.
I was in so much pain from losing everything that I didn’t even enjoy the promotion high.
This year, he tried to strike again. This time coming for my emotional happiness.
This is the short of it.
I reached out to someone I cared about out of concern and they essentially tried to make me seem like I was trying to tear them down or whatever.
My friend is mad at me because she saw this coming from a mile away but I guess I gave this person way more credit.
My friend said “I don’t know how you can still talk to someone like that. Someone that has publicly bashed you, trashed your name and even done full shows about you.”
I was broken.
Annoyed.
It has always been a flaw of mine – my ability to forgive.
Like I know this person has hurt me many times and I still forgive and somehow I am the bad guy?
And do not get me wrong, I AM NOT A VICTIM OR A SAINT.
But there are levels brethren. That I would never stoop to.
So here I was sitting in church on Sunday morning, preparing to give God thanks for what he had done in my life and suddenly, I am distracted by irrelevancies.
That is the devil at work ladies and gentlemen.
Less than 48hours before, I had got a career/life-changing opportunity, now here I am typing about this nonsense!
Do you see him work?
So no!
No more.
I am too blessed, too favored, too lifted to stoop low.
……
On Saturday, I had the privilege of watching Nathaniel Bassey minister live.
I swear I was so moved.
I have never been more thankful to be in his presence.
Nathaniel is anointed but one of the songs he sang touched me. I had always known the chorus of the song but not the verse.
The name of the song is “This God is too Good ft. Micah Stampley” by Nathaniel Bassey.
It says
I know a God, who’s merciful and kind Faithful and gracious I’m the apple of his eyes The thought that fills his heart Every Morning, noon and night He loved me when I didn’t care And was patient till I came Running back into his arms Look how he turned my life around Made me a shining star His glory to reveal
I will worship Him forever Love Him forever because This God is too good oh
Look, the chorus is moving but lifting.
One thing I have prayed for since 2015 is that God’s will always be done in my life.
Finally, I could say that there is progress there. In me allowing him to do his thing.
This job I got, I applied on September 28th and I was offered the job on October 5th.
That literally is the fastest I have ever gotten anything!
It is not like I didn’t know that I was going to be blessed but the timing of it is impeccable.
I needed God to come through!
And he did in the most spectacular way.
So why would I let the devil steal my joy?
Sometimes God is trying to save you and you are trying to sabotage yourself.
Like God is taking certain people and things away from you and you are walking right back to it.
He only elevates. Like, believe that. He only elevates.
DO NOT DEMOTE YOURSELF.
Sometimes you are not on the same intellectual level, not in the same tax bracket, not on the same emotional level – so why interact?
Imagine loving a woman and you are talking to her about her business plans and how she wants to conquer a market, move to senior management at her job, buy a house and then you are trying to interact with someone that cannot hold employment for more than two months.
Anyone in their right mind knows where their focus should be.
DO NOT DEMOTE YOURSELF.
You deserve happiness. You deserve peace. You deserve community. You deserve genuine love. You deserve every good thing.
Now this is not to knock anyone’s hustle but when God is writing your story, do not be consumed by the footnotes or scribbles in the margins.
Focus on the big picture and his blessings for you.
Stick to his plan and uproot anything that will derail you. And if you are not strong enough to, ask him to take it away – even if that is forceful.
I look around me and I see God blessing me and mine.
In the space of one week, the following happened.
A hard-working nurse emerged.
An internship with potential for full-time employment at graduation was given to a sibling.
My mother celebrated another year on God’s green Earth.
My best friend got a fitting job.
I got a new job.
I was under the profound anointing and truly blessed.
Cousins and aunts celebrated birthdays.
Healing was afforded to a broken marriage.
Do you see?
That is what God did around me in the space of one week. People, when I say I am blessed, I am blessed!
So how can he be doing this around me and I want to let it be snatched from me.
I am soooooo happy for what he has done.
Even when I am faithless and unfaithful, he remains a favoring God.
Look, I am not deserving o but he chose to call me his own.
And I truly grateful.
One thing I have learned though is know your worth.
As God elevates you, it is not even arrogance but there are just certain people you should never interact with.
You are blessed beyond doubt. Move like so.
And the cool part is that even when you think you are not deserving.
You deserve his mercy.
…….
Delay is not denial
Your blessing is coming
Forever, his word is settled. In heaven it is settled and so shall it be on Earth.
Be patient but hungry in your spirit.
Know he will come through but don’t get lazy and not remind him to come through
Keep the promises you make to him.
I promised to pay my tithes more faithfully. And that is something I plan on doing.
So while you are begging him, you’re probably making promises about what you will do when he blesses you.
Well, do it once he blesses you and he surely will.
Join your faith with others around you believing God. No man is an island.
We need people and when we all go to God and lobby for a thing, he is more likely to answer.
Random Thought: The only thing worse than a curve, is someone that tries to make it seem like they curved you when they know you… nvm. Let me just be calm.
I have Yoruba demon tendencies. A horrible temper which has gotten better this year btw.
I can be dismissive, reductive and downright rude and disrespectful.
But none of that defines me. I am still a blessed kid.
I will say this though, my name is Sanmi, blessed and highly favored.
More importantly, too blessed to lose my happiness.
And that is one truth given. 😊
I remain the Wordsmith.
Check back for my new series starting this Saturday titled…
Come back on Saturday to find out and follow me on Twitter at @adewus4real to learn more about the new series.
Till next time ladies and gentlemen; its WordsOfWednesday.
Stay up!
My New Series will be out on Saturday!
Please watch this space! It will be fire!
It felt like an eternity.
I was staring out the window and watching the cars on the busy street. My eyes would fix on a particular car or person and track them till they moved out of the show.
I didn’t want to turn around.
My eyes were swollen from all the crying I had done in mere minutes.
So here I was for years, fasting and praying that God would give me something from someone who was doing everything within his power to hinder me.
Life.
Tobias broke the silence
“Adeola, let me explain”
I didn’t turn around yet.
He continued
“There is just a lot that I should have told you sooner and I am deeply sorry”
I swallowed hard.
My saliva was thick and I could feel a slight headache coming on, still looking outside the window and without turning, I said
“Were you ever going to tell me?”
He paused and then began to say
“You will never know the amount of guilt and sadness that I have held over the years. I have always wanted to tell….”
I turned and yelled
“Are you kidding me?
9 years Toby! (I called him Toby)
Nine years, I slaved, prayed and bled to give you a child and you couldn’t bring yourself to tell me?!
Are you fucking serious?”
I was barely able to get the words out as I was losing my voice
“Adeola, I promise I never planned to hurt you.
Do you know how it feels to live in a prison of life?
Pretending to be somebody else and trying to convince yourself that you are not who you think you are.
Marrying you was a mistake because I should have known who I was.. Falling in love with you was not one.
You have to believe that I wished I could tell you but I was a coward.
Afraid of what coming out to you would mean. The woman I shared sacred vows with….”
I couldn’t contain my tears but I let his words sit for a few seconds and then I said
“Those vows mean nothing because they were based on a lie.
A vey important lie.
did you always know before we got married that you were not attracted to women?”
His face seemed to drop.
He took a deep breath and said
“I had an idea but I was never really sure.
Some people thought it was a phase and that I would grow past it once I got married.
It subsided for a while but ultimately I wasn’t happy.
Not by any fault of ours but because I needed a different kind of love.
I should have told you and the fact that I couldn’t is all on me. Not you”
Honestly I wanted to say more but I was so broken.
This was a rollercoaster ride that I wanted to stop but I couldn’t.
But I had to know
“How long were you with him? And why did you get a vasectomy? We could have still had a child.”
He shook his head and said
“No we couldn’t. My count was low.
I had checked a year into our marriage. I also did not want to bring a child into this world to a life of lies and only to be confused.
That would be selfish on another level… As for the partners, I have only had two.
I was with one for about 2years until Abike threatened to expose me to you, if I didn’t stop… and then I started back up about year ago with the boy that works with you.”
I turned sharply towards Abike and screamed
“What?!… You knew he was cheating?! And you didn’t tell me?!”
She looked shell shocked.
Eyes big and wide, she froze.
…..
“Abike! Abike!”
She snapped out of her trance and muffled
“Hmmm”
“What is he saying?!!!”
I snarled back at her.
She was still frozen like a deer in headlights.
“Abike, I swear to God, if you don’t open your mouth….I will slap the shit out of you!”
I yelled at her.
Then she spoke.
“Yes!
I knew. I fucking knew and everyone knew.
We just wondered how you never knew…
….there was one evening when I came to drop something off for you. You had given me the keys because both of you were supposed to be out of town.
I walked in on your husband giving a man a blowjob. I was furious.
I wanted to tell you but you were so happy…so in love…I wasn’t going to be the one to take that away from you.
….And like he said, he apologized and promised he wasn’t going to do it again. I figured we would all move past it and it was a mistake”
Now I was angry!
“A mistake? A fucking mistake?
Do you think I would call it a fucking mistake if I walked in on your husband blowing another man?!
A mistake?! Wow… I have never heard anything more stupid in my life!”
She raised her hands in a pacifying motion and said
“Adeola, I said this already.
Nobody wants to be a home wrecker. I didn’t know how to say anything.”
“You are my sister! my fucking sister, Abike!
I don’t care about a stupid home if my own sister cannot tell me when the walls are crashing down.
You betrayed my trust…. I can’t even believe all of this. I just can’t.
This is too much”
I started to move towards the door when Abike said
“Sis Adeola, I am really sorry. Please believe that I am and I Want to to do everything within my power to make this better. If you will just allow me to try.”
I turned around as I grabbed my purse and I said
“You see that is your problem. You all continue to take and give nothing.
I have been there for you in countless ways, I love your children like they are my own.
Yet you have taken all of my happiness from me.
I am at a junction in my life….*tears*…. where I should be leaning on you the most and here I am finding the most heart wrenching things about my life through the lenses of other people.
You are my sister for crying out loud.
….. I am pregnant with a child that I know nothing of his father. For all I know, it could be this one or the Lord visited me in the middle of the night because I know I haven’t been with anyone else.
And I have cancer Abike!
Cancer that I only just found the strength to fight. So no, I will not be giving you any chances to do anything here.”
As I tried to leave, Lizzy, who had been standing in the corner started to move towards the door with me.
Tobias reached and tried to hold me.
“Don’t touch me.”
I tearfully said and then I heard Abike’s voice
“Wait!”
I stopped in my tracks.
She continued and said
“Since you are going to be leaving, there is something you should know now.”
Her husband Kunle looked at her very surprised and said
“Really, you want to tell her now?”
She bowed her head and said
“I have to.”
I was intrigued.
I shut the door and turned, holding my purse in front of me with both hands.
“What is it?”
I asked
She was already crying heavily which always broke my heart. She sniffled a few times and then she said
“I know the father of your child”
……
Pause for a second.
Have you ever been in the middle of a bad dream, and something bad was about to happen but you let it play its course, because you knew it was a bad dream?
Okay.
Now, have you ever been wide awake and watching life move right in front of you, like a bad dream?
Like everything that is happening is mortifying and you cannot stop it?
“Who?”
I finally asked
She looked over to her husband and he dropped his head.
“Abike, who?!”
She dropped her head and said
“Kunle”
Tobias charged at him and almost got physical with him.
Abike jumped in between them.
I had to sit down and then she said
“Please don’t hate me.
But Kunle is the father”
I was stunned but confused
“Abike, what are you saying?”
She started to explain
“I have seen first hand your struggle to have a baby.
After I caught Tobias with the man, I confronted him and in there, he told me that he most likely would not be able to have children because his count was low.
I watched you cry and beg God for a child and I know how much you wanted one….
….So I asked Kunle. He was initially against it and he even got angry with me for suggesting it.
But I was able to convince him.
I knew you would never step out of your marriage and I figured Tobias was the problem. So Kunle eventually did it.”
I stood up and I was the one who charged at her.
Tobias and Lizzy grabbed me as I screamed
“What?!
You had your husband rape me?!”
“Noo… nooo…. I just thought that it would be better.
To keep it in the family. I was never going to say anything.
I just wanted you to be happy. I swear that I was never looking to hurt you. I thought I was helping.”
I looked over to Kunle and I asked
“Is this true?”
He nodded.
I really felt violated. Like someone tore open my insides and had it on display for the whole world to see.
Even though it was months later, I still felt like I had been robbed of a certain innocence.
Why?
Why was this happening to me?
What did I ever do to have my life so difficult?
I believe in God and I truly felt like I was doing the right things in life.
This was too much.
I spent my life helping people put their marriages together and here I was losing everything that I built.
I didn’t even know what to say anymore.
I stood up and walked out of the room. Lizzy followed closely.
As we entered the hallway, Abike, Tobias and Kunle followed me. I heard Abike say wait but I kept walking.
She said it again.
I stopped, and tearful I asked
“How?”
She didn’t answer. The hallway had nurses and people that had been listening to all that happened in the room.
I asked her again
“How?!”
She said
“A few times when you came over, I spiked your drink and you were out cold.
I promise, I wasn’t trying to hurt you!”
With heavy tears pouring out of my eyes, I said
“I pray you all rot in hell.”
…….
That afternoon was the last I saw of those three.
Lizzy and I soon came to Atlanta together as I continued treatment.
I remember on our flight from Lagos, I kept thinking of all the signs I missed again.
The waking up sore at Abike’s house or being told not to marry him but ignoring all warnings. I blamed myself.
I went against every counsel as a young woman because I thought I was in love.
Now I am not encouraging anyone to simply accept the advice of anyone that has something to say about your romantic life but certainly evaluate everything.
I felt a certain peace in my heart that Toby was now happy with whoever he wanted to be with and he didn’t have to continue looking over his shoulder.
Love should never feel like a prison.
I felt a new dawn coming for me.
I was very uncertain about how it would all play out but I knew that this time around, I would be directing my own movie- how I wanted to.
…
“Are you ready?”
Lizzy asked, I nodded and smiled yes.
They wheeled me into the OR shortly after.
The doctor looked at me and said
“Are you sure you want to go through with this?
With your situation, you may never be able to have children of your own”
I nodded and said
“I’m sure”
On July, 21st 2017, I aborted the 4 month pregnancy.
For about an hour that night, I sat down in the shower and I just cried.
I cried so hard.
My hair was falling out from all the chemotherapy and I was feeling weak.
No guilt from the decision I made because I felt it was the right one.
I was never going to bring a child into this world under those circumstances.
The last few months had been nothing short of a rollercoaster ride.
I stood up and dried myself off.
Walking into the living room, Lizzy was walking out of her room as well.
In her hand, she was holding a pregnancy test stick. She had pushed back her wedding after everything that happened to come to Atlanta with me.
She looked at me, I looked at the stick, we looked at each out and my heart warmed.
I walked over to her and hugged her tight.
I couldn’t sobbing as she did the same in my arms.
If this was full circle, I’m glad.
For as long as I lived, I would love that baby like it was mine.
To love, to cherish, to counsel, to adore; against every obstacle and every odd.
The End.
Pleaseeeeeeee leave me a comment and let me know how you felt about this part and the entire series. It means a lot!
Thank you for reading the Against Counsel series with me! I throughly enjoyed writing it for you all and I hope you enjoyed the ride with me. If you hate me for how the ending panned out, I AM HERE FOR IT~ 😊
Another series by The Wordsmith is already cooking! @adewus4real
Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. Thanks for the love and support.
A cloud hovered over the home. There was a dreary silence that consumed the place.
It was palpable.
You could almost touch the discomfort around the house.
She barely said anything, my sister.
The evening dragged along, I couldn’t wait for the night to come.
I know my sister.
She is the type to not speak when she is upset or angry. Mostly out of the fear of being hurtful but this was different, she was hurt into silence.
We put the girls to sleep together. As we walked out of their room, she started to move faster, I lunged to grab her.
She shook off my reach and ran into her bedroom, slamming the door shut behind her.
She slid down behind the door and I could hear it.
Her tears.
My heart shattered.
“Abike, please open the door”
She didn’t respond.
I could hear her sobbing louder. Her husband approached the hallway but stood at a distance.
“Sis, I know you are upset. Please can we just talk?”
She sniffled and said
“go away! I don’t want to talk to you…”
I quickly quipped back
“I am not going anywhere until you open this door”
She went silent for a moment and then I heard her shuffle on the floor. The door opened.
I walked in and I turned to my left. There she sat on the floor, her back on the door.
She was crying.
I walked to the right of the room and sat on the bed.
“Abike, I am sorry.”
She looked up at me, almost like my words were a verified lie and said
“Sorry?
You kept all of this from me. Me????
Of all people! I come to you with everything!
Everything! I tell you all that is going on with me and my life and you keep this from me?!
And now you want to claim that you are sorry?!
How am I supposed to take that Adeola? How?!”
I was already crying when she stopped talking. I was trying to find the right words to explain everything but all I could come up with was
“I am sorry”
She stood up and said
“Stop saying that!”
I snapped and yelled as I got up
“What do you want me to say?!!!!
What do you fucking want me to say?!…. How was I supposed to pick up the phone and tell my little sister that my husband of almost a decade has been cheating on me with another man, or that I am dying?! Tell me how!
….I understand this is hard for you but come on!
I am the one who is dying here and it’s not even the cancer that has been killing me, it’s having to hide and put on a front that I am fine when I am clearly not. That’s the painful part. So cut me some slack….
…..I’ve lived this life and nothing to show for it. A wrecked home and I’m leaving the ones I love. Everything I worked hard for, I’m losing.”
I slumped back onto the bed and she walked up to me.
As she sat next to me on the bed, she placed her hands around me and said
“I’m sorry sis. I’m scared”
Tears down both our faces, as we leaned our heads into each other.
We just sobbed together.
Suddenly she stopped and she looked at me.
I turned my head to the right and looked at her. Both of us at eye level and then she said
“I don’t know how yet, but we are going to beat this thing”
All i could say in reply was
“Thank you”
……
I was babysitting the girls on a Saturday night while their parents attended a church event. I believe I was scrolling through Facebook – something I had done significantly less because it always reminded me of how much I didn’t have.
Wunola made a noise because her sister hit her arm. I quickly sprang up from my seat.
They quickly resolved the issue and as I sat back down, I realized that children were something I was not going to have.
There was already pain of not having children for so long. In a weird way, there was some relief.
Maybe I wasn’t meant to have children after all. Like it was all God’s plan.
Imagine a world where I had to leave a child behind?
I firmly believe that it would have hurt me even more than I was feeling in that moment.
I kept thinking about my life and my “legacy”.
For some, it is to leave a business behind that thrives and makes wealth for their children.
For some, it is to be impactful and be remembered for good things.
I think it was in that moment I really realized that there was more to do in life even without children and a husband.
I loved these little girls and I had done so much for myself already.
I looked down at them and I whispered to myself
“I’m going to beat this thing”
…..
The next morning, I was up very early.
Before everyone in the house. It was around 4am.
I was just staring at the ceiling and wondering how things could have been different.
Would it have been different if I had married someone else?
Stayed in the States?
Become a lawyer instead of a counselor?
Thoughts ran through my head.
I began to remember when Tobias and I were first picking baby names when I first thought I was pregnant.
This was two years into our marriage.
There was no way I could have seen all of this coming. Tobias was so excited. He was sure we would have girls and he would protect them.
You should have seen the way his face would light up as he painted a perfect future for our children.
I was in dreamland.
Now here I was trying to figure out if I had been played all along.
As preacher of “the signs are always there”, I felt like I had let myself down.
There was such guilt and disappointment in myself and my choices.
But then I remembered all the times I was being put down for not having children and how he held me up.
He was really there for me.
So how do you fake that?
I remember a night when we got into a heated fight.
It was about the fact that he went out with his boys and didn’t contact me for almost two days.
He explained that he just needed time. I started wondering why he would do that.
Was he already seeing that man then?
A part of me wanted answers, so I picked up my phone and I dialed out.
A sleepy Lizzy picked the phone on the other side.
I spoke as she muffled
“Hello”
My reply was short
“Let my clients know that I am back at work starting Monday”
She smiled and said
“Yes ma”
You are right, I changed my mind. The past didn’t deserve my energy.
The future needed all of what I had left, if I was going to beat this thing.
……
I returned to work the following week and I was crushing it.
My body was struggling to keep me up. I would randomly get weak but I couldn’t stop fighting.
Lizzy recommended treatment abroad and I was starting to consider going to stay with my cousin in Atlanta.
She drove me to my check up at the hospital.
As we were talking, I started to feel like myself in my mind but clearly not in my body.
The doctor came in and asked if I wanted Lizzy to be present as he shared the results, I told him I was fine with it.
He was about to read them to me, when we heard a knock on the door.
The door slowly opened and Abike and her husband peered into the room.
Smiles on their faces as they came in.
“What are you guys doing here?”
I asked as I kissed Abike on the cheek.
She smiled and said
“Uhh… we came to support you. Duh…”
I felt so warm inside.
The doctor, smiling, asked if I wanted him to come back to read the results, I told him no.
This was my family and my backbone.
As he again was about to start, he was interrupted. This time by Abike.
She said
“Sis, I know you are probably going to hate me for this but I think there is something you need to do before all this.
well someone you should speak to”
I rolled my eyes.
They ambushed me.
I was trying to be annoyed when the door opened and Tobias walked in with my favorite flowers.
I quickly said
“If you think a bouquet of flowers will do anything, then you are grossly mistaken”
He placed them on the bed and said
“Adeola, I am really sorry for all that has happened….
…I want to be here for you as much as I can. Please forgive me and give me the chance to fight this thing with you. Please…”
I looked up at him and said
“There is so much we need to talk about before any of that can happen and I can’t do that right now…
…Doc, please read the results. This is my ex-husband but this saves me the trip of explaining the updates to him”
Everyone in the room was quiet.
The doctor broke the awkward silence and said
“Well… from the last time you were here, we found some irregularities in the test.
That was why we had you come in again, so soon.
…Ummm from these tests that we just ran. We found out that you are 2 months pregnant.”
The entire room gasped.
My heart sunk. What was this going to mean?
What would happen to this unborn being?
I finally said
“Run the test again”
As I finished, he said
“I expected you to be shocked, which is why I had the test run three different times in our facility and one time in a neighboring facility.
Miss Adeola, you are pregnant. Congratulations”
The doctor excused himself and as the door shut behind him, I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me whole.
What a nightmare!
As I was trying to get back on track, life throws this at me again.
I looked around and everyone was in shock. No one was able to say a word.
A few seconds went by and then I looked up to Tobias and said
“I guess you’re going to be a daddy after all”
His face got sullen and he said
“I don’t think that’s what is going to happen here unfortunately”
I asked
“What do you mean?
He replied and said
“I am just being transparent thats all. That baby is not mine”
I got up from my seat and slapped him.
“How dare you?!”
I muttered to him.
“What do you mean this baby is not yours?
He said
“Because this is not my child. I got a vasectomy 5 years ago.
No way in hell that baby is mine”
The whole room froze and I felt my soul exit my body. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.
Lizzy squealed and I asked
“Will you be here next week for the concluding part of this series?”
I hope to find you here. Don’t worry, catch your breath and I’ll meet you back here next week for the concluding part of this captivating series.
It’s WTHM and #SanmiSaturdays
Against Counsel – Part 3 by The Wordsmith @adewus4real
The variations and the parallels are endless
The things and ways we remain similar will leave you speechless
I’ve met certain from which the encounter has left me breathless
But others I’ve met and realized that many people remain tasteless
See I’ve betrayed trust and I’ve let folks down
I’ve forgotten values and in many ways, I’ve let doubt abound
Easily it comes in and shatters relationships
It puts them in a chokehold and slowly strangles the life out of them
Now we all lay lifeless and hurt from all the drama and bullshit
Man
Hurt is one conversation I don’t want to revisit
…..
The heart of man is desperately wicked the bible says
And I swear that plays out in unique situations every day
Men stab men in their faces
Women aren’t too far behind in the races
See we can say our parents and the generation before us taught us better
But the truth is
Did anyone really bother?
From coups to stolen husbands
To deaths just to acquire more bands we are a lost few
Righteous today but we fade quickly like the morning dew
…..
Did you ever understand how easy it is to lose your way?
How quickly the plot gets lost in the day to day
Some of us camp on Twitter all day
Looking for our next prey
We stalk the TL’s
Trying to pick fights from the latest dumb shit “bae” said today
The slander is endless
A new victim every day
But the true victim most cases is you
Because it’s you who failed to stay true
…..
The person you portray to the world
Should be the same across the board
Regardless of the location
Your true identity to should have no variations
But we change
And let our morals and ethics go
As we drift out of range
I’m not immune don’t get me wrong
I wrote this with a heavy heart
But so my name could be on your tongue
I swear if I could sing my feelings I would put them in a song
But the truth remains
You’ll only hear me for how long??
…..
My heart has been broken from friends to friends
I said that twice because the difference is not clear
They are some people you’ll always go to bat for
But those are the ones you pray never ever hurt you at all
Sad to say but they are the ones that can hurt you where you can call
For help or even a reason to again stand tall
Never underestimate your influence before you mane a friend fall
Like me here crying my feelings while curled up into a ball
…..
I heard someone I loved say horrible things about me
It broke my heart
But I only blame myself because I should have known from the start
This life is not a game
But someone has to lose and it’s a shame
I only ask that you never forget my name
Because broken hearted preventing your hurt will be my only aim
I plan on remaining the same
Truthful as possible and not on the losing side in this game
Now with this feeling I might rise to fame
But please be a true friend and always help me stay the same
….
I’ve never set out to hurt anyone
But I have been hurt a lot
Repeatedly in situations when betrayal or hurt was an afterthought
I don’t expect you to understand but I know you do
But you might relate if the same things has happened to you
I write this in the dark of my heart
Waiting for a spark
It’s hard to hold faith
When your heart is repeatedly torn apart.
#WhatTheHeckMan Written in my car.
Sometimes people without warning place their hearts in our hands. It is our job to keep it safe. Guarded against the problems and trials of life as best as we can. You are responsible for many you don’t even realize. Never betray the trust of someone, no matter how minute it might be. You don’t know what door you might close forever if you open the wrong wounds.
….
All of that above the line, was written in 2014.
It is now 3 weeks shy of the exact time I posted that piece in 2014. Here I am feeling worse pain than I have ever felt before.
Tonight I got off the phone with a true friend. One that I have let down.
Greatly.
Sometimes people wonder why I write about myself so openly but I write because sometimes I can’t even find the words to speak. But more importantly that someone doesn’t make the same mistake as me.
It is damning when someone says things about you that truly make you reflect on your character.
“He asks women for money, that is his how he gets money…” “He is an emotionally abusive person that stays in women’s lives to control them” “He is a puppet master that have 5-6 women on rotation to use…”
Truth is none of those are even close to true. Well maybe the last one, I did have a time when I dated multiple women because I feared commitment and being vulnerable with just one. Cowardly move, I know. But those days are long gone.
What hurts the most is they are even said about me to begin with. My father always said to me, “your name will travel to places that your feet may never touch, protect your integrity and the honor in your name”
Deep within me, I know those things aren’t true but they hurt. They hurt especially when they come from someone you once loved and respected.
I had someone called a best friend and even introduced to my parents as a true confidant.
To have them turn around and use things that I told them in confidence and in varying contexts to hurt my character hurts.
Deeply.
Don’t get me wrong, I am writing this but I am not a saint by any stretch but I also would never go the lengths that this person has gone.
You live and you learn.
A friend said to me,
“Figure out who’s there for a good time and who’s there for a long time. No, really. Make sure you’re not expending your love and energy on people who are seasonal. As much as you want to show love to everyone you care about, sometimes you just can’t. There’s only so much you can give. You also said in your post that not everyone is deserving of this “demanding” treatment.
Outside family, I don’t have too many people I consciously put in effort to love. This allows me to love others [the general public] in a less consuming way.
God does put some people in our lives for a season (to be a blessing to them or for them to be a blessing/lesson to us) – and for that season I try to show love whichever way they need it. These people could be as random as someone who needs advice and support to start up a business or one who needs encouragement through a rough time. It is OKAY to love them from afar once that period is over.
Pray that you’re able to discern who holds what position. When I’m unable to tell the difference, I leave it to God and pray I’m okay with taking a step back when the respective seasons for the temporary relationships end.”
My mother always told me! “The only people you can really trust is your family. My children and my husband are my best friends…”
I don’t think it ever truly sunk in till tonight.
As two of my closest friends berated and chastised me, my eyes welled up but I had no one to blame but myself.
I have always had a problem of blindly trusting people and allowing myself to share. Things they would later use to hurt me.
You live and you learn. You truly do.
I have much to work on. My temper, my discernment, my relationships – I am heavily flawed but the monster I was painted to be tonight, woke me up. I have to respect myself and know my worth. And never do things that will let my character be questioned. And also move from continuing to care for and protect people that have only tried to tear me down. It’s truly all out war to defend my character.
I have to be better for me and for the sake of my name.
So I share the words of a man I admire with every interaction.
He said –
“My life is far from perfect. The past year has made a lot of my shortcomings very evident: I’m not as smart as I would like; I’m not as wholesome a man as I would want; I’m not as financially disciplined as I should be; I’m not as good a friend as I would like to believe; I’m nowhere near as good a Christian as I claim I am; and I’m certainly not as great a dancer as I sometimes imagine myself to be. But with even greater clarity, what I have seen in the past year is that in spite of all these faults, I am loved; loved by God, loved by family, loved by friends. And to be very honest, while I work on the shortcomings that I can work on and strive to be the best version of me that I can be, that love is all I need.”
I will like to thank those that genuinely care for my growth; as a person and as someone deserving. I love you.
And with that, I will like to use my open to diary to say a big apology to a true friend.
Who has always had my back through every phase and every mistake.
I wish I had the words or things to repay you but I know God will never make you lack any good thing.
Ninzlo, you are a blessing. Thank you for being a best friend anyone could ask for.
It’s WordsOfWednesday. I hope you have a great rest of the week everyone.
Try to be your best self today and going forward. You’ll be better for it.
