I Deserve “Some” Forgiveness
There are few moments in life where things make you take a beat.
Sometimes after a beating. Other times, after realizing that you need to truly stop and breathe.
For years, the phrase “na me fuck up” was all too familiar.
Stupid decisions, trusting wrongly, not speaking plainly and sometimes falling blindly.
I would sit down and cry while beating up myself.
“Sanmi, you should know better”
“How could you?”
I was mostly burned and forced to write pieces like Fuck Your Friendship.
Burned by “friends” or “love interests”. I was always a feeler – I allowed myself to see the best in people.
I get it from my dad.
There was once someone that dragged my father’s name in public. I knew he was in the right but he kept his cool and kept encouraging us to be calm.
One evening, I came back from school and I noticed a few extra cars outside.
As I made my way in, I heard voices.
The person had come with their family and friends to beg my father – they were on their knees asking for forgiveness.
I wanted him to publicize it but he said no.
The words he left me with have stuck.
“In certain situations, you will learn lessons that you truly wish you could have avoided but they will shape you. Peace within you is a higher grade than public validation”
It never really clicked for me until I became a man.
I would sit down and beat myself for poor decisions. Why didn’t I listen to my friends about this person or why did I stay in that situation?
Why did I let them back in?
All that and more.
But here is the truth, you will make mistakes and with all the lessons I have learned, I still make them.
The best you can do is continue to improve as you go along.
Have a short memory for the fuckups but cherish the growth points and the future you will have with those lessons.
So 2018 has been filled with less “Na me fuck up” moments.
People will always try to drag you back and remind you of your fuckups but stay focused.
It will be hard and you may be down on yourself. But don’t let it linger.
I used to say there was no one I regretted being friends with or dating but there is one person.
While we shared some great times, they make me regret ever knowing them.
And it is easy to wallow.
You want to continue to kick yourself! But to what end?
Oh, he was playing you?
She never really loved you and she used you?
Okay, it has happened and you have learned.
Now stand up and forgive yourself.
Yes, not them. Forgive yourself for the guilt, pain, shame, and rage you feel.
You are amazing and you will continue to live and learn.
You will still make more of those mistakes and you will scale challenges with ease – you are evolving.e
Every single day.
And yes, you deserve some accolades!
What are some things that have had you saying “na me fuck up” lately? Comment below and let’s talk.
Thanks for reading as always!
Black.Gay.Waiting Part 4 out on Saturday!
Please watch this space!
Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated.
© 2018 #WhatTheHeckMan
5 thoughts on “I Deserve Forgiveness”
Aaaaw I really loved reading this. Resonated with me a lot cause I feel it’s something I do constantly beat myself up for fucking up that friendship or not letting go of someone earlier etc. You’re right though a lot of times the hold up is really you and your willingness to forgive yourself for some of these things. Hopefully I’ll remember that during my next “mistake” or when I’m brewing over an old mistake.
Forgiving yourself is so key. Often that is the hardest part about healing. Yes, you are mad at them but often you are beating yourself up and transferring that aggression on to them. Someone hurt me and apologized but because I couldn’t forgive myself for my part, I would always bring up what they did. And no one wants to relive past mistakes. We all make mistakes it’s life, but there is beauty in the pain. Got to accept the lesson, appreciate the growth and move on with no looking back. Thanks for great words. Bless ..
P.s I truly admire the trait you inherited from your dad. It shows so much restraint and I look up to that
I think we’ve all had that ‘na me fuck up’ moments. Well, if you haven’t, then you must be a perfectionist. 2018 started rough for me cos I was let down but again it’s a learning curve and you can at least make sure you forgive yourself before forgiving others. #WhatDoesn’tKillYouMakesYouStronger
Thankfully, I haven’t been in a “na me fuck up” situation this year and I hope it stays that way. I believe I have learned from my past experiences to love myself enough to walk away when situations or relationships become toxic. In 2017, I made so many stupid decisions that put me in situations where I was disrespected and used. Eventually, I was forced to re-evaluate the toxic relationships I was involved in and also work on my confidence. I have decided to give myself the love and forgiveness I easily give to others and it’s been worth it so far. Nothing is as good as being at peace with yourself.
There is not a single lie in all you said. The part that really struck me was where you said “the forgiveness I so easily give others”. I felt that.
I forgive others sooooo easily but find it so hard to afford myself the same. Thank you for reading and even blessing me. I appreciate you.