“Who You Epp?”

It’s not Wednesday.

It’s 5:11am on Thursday and I am up to write.

I had promised myself that I would write yesterday but the day turned out to be so overwhelming so my thoughts had to wait.

So here it goes.

I feel like my thoughts can be compared to listening to a piano  instrumental without lyrics. You just allow yourself to fall deeper into the thoughts until you can outline the next key and understand your feelings.

The older I get and the more I experience life, I have begun to carefully examine the idea behind “friendships”.

friend·ship

ˈfren(d)SHip/

noun

1. the emotions or conduct of friends; the state of being friends.

What fascinates me the most about them is that we as a people have expanded the term and adopted it into almost a “family” like feel.

So much is demanded from friendships but what is given.

My mother said to me growing up,

“your best friends in life will be your spouse and your children”

Intentionally or unintentionally, they will be the ones to will be seeking to protect you the most.

Well, until we all get those spouses and babies running around the house, we have to “settle” for these friendships or do we?

It’s not you, It’s you

As you get older, you start to recognize that it’s not you, it you.

Failed or empty relationships, you find yourself sitting back and questioning why they end up like so and you then have to say to yourself that it’s you.

So it takes a lot of self reflection and analyzing who you are vs. who you want to be and then taking action.

Many of us like the comforts of who we were and who we used to know. Without acknowledging the growth and the “need” for more that comes from growth.

But when you start to properly analyze your relationships and you begin to decipher why some are so hard to maintain now, you recognize

“Oh wait! I’m not their friend of two years ago anymore. I’ve changed”

That change can be for good or bad but it’s change.

And in some cases, you just need to cut it. ✂️✂️✂️

Trust

You see with the changes that occur that I explained above, it doesn’t always mean a crumbling of a relationship.

What usually tips it over the edge is trust or it’s lack thereof.

You see there are friends that you can trust with you life. To hide a body for you. Use their phone to stalk your ex’s Instagram. Whatever friends do today. But if at any point you begin to doubt their loyalty to you, either in words or their actions, whew! It’s gets bumpy.

Most friendships or disagreements in friendships are centered around communication.

But people fail to recognize that one of the most important catalysts to communication is trust.

If someone truly feels safety in the trust they have and share with you, they will have no problem coming to you.

But display in your actions that you are no longer a safe haven, a doer of all things good to them, if you become malicious, dishonest or just selfish; they will pull back.

I find it the hardest to talk to people I can’t trust.

Like why will I call you everyday?

To talk to you about my problems when I don’t know if you’ll have my best interests at heart?

Nah fam.

This is not a religious piece but that is where God and your family come into play. Seek them.

You have the same blood running through your veins. Never underestimate that.

In Session

There are those friends that you elevate to a certain point that they abuse the power. The ones you give information to that then use it to judge you.

Sitting high on the pedestal you put them on, they want to tell you about yourself and about everything else.

These are usually “tenured” friends. They are not always tenured by years of friendship but sometimes by how much you have been through together.

See telling someone the truth either about themselves or something they do is hard. Getting called out is hard but you see, if you get reprimanded or admonished by a friend who you can trust their intentions, it lightens the blow.

But the ones that start to make comments like

“I just don’t think that’s who you are…

Or when I see you do that, it baffles me

You’re not that guy… ”

I’m almost like “who the hell are you????” and plixxx what guy am I o?

Like I gave you the power you have and I’ll take it away because you have forgotten that loving me is not by you trying to judge me.

But when you hear about their escapades you’re just left wondering if Jesus died so people can eat Jollof with Basmati Rice.

The pain!

Lets not fool ourselves, the closer you are to someone and safe you are with them, you feel like you can approach and tell them about themselves sometimes to better themselves but when you can’t trust it?

Cut it? lol. jk jk.

Or not.

The Tip

At the end of a meal, unless you are feeling super generous or in a large party where your tip is factored in; you usually sit down and review your meal and gauge how much to tip.

You view how you were approached, treated and how good you feel at the end of the meal.

Think of friendships and their interactions like an expensive dinner.

You somehow approach each other or maybe you stumbled into each other because of the hunger to love. Now you begin to observe your interactions with each other as you go along. Figuring out your styles and how things will balance out.

Each person exchanges a nugget with the other and sharing begins.

At the end of every interaction as friends though, you stop and ask “not what have you done from me lately but what impact have you left me with”?

So before each tip, I review every friendship and I ask, what did you give me to make me better?

And if I cannot answer that question confidently then I begin to reevaluate our friendship because life is short and time can’t be wasted on empty relationships.

Whenever I travel out of town and end up at a place that has Mac n’ Cheese on the menu, I think back to one of my favorite places in Oakland, CA called Homeroom.

And for a quick second, I feel a warmth inside as I appreciate the meals and time I have had there. My mind and body remembers the mark that place left on me and it makes me want more of it.

When I am away from a friend and I can visibly feel their impact, then I know what they have deposited in me and I seek more.

I am not asking you to be arrogant but this is where you talk about fruits of the spirit in a way. Like what is inside of you that is manifesting in the life of this person you are friends with.

If you are just observing them, can you point out the value you have left in their life?

And you have to be honest with yourself because if you are not giving to them, you’re automatically taking away from them.

Emotional takers.

These are the most silent killers of relationships. They are the type to form a dependency on their friend and then just take. Ogbeni, who you epp?

They take time, love, care, concern and often times leave very little.

The sad part about this is that all of this is intangible.

You never see it all at once until a glaring incident or two when you stop and say, “wait a second?”

Ever had that friend who always needs emotional support but will never truly ask you how you’re going through it?

OR the ones that call you at 2am and expect you to answer but won’t ask you why you aren’t sleeping at 2am? lol

Maybe we can talk about the ones that consume so much of your friendship with their “world” that you barely exist within the friendship?

Some of those people are emotional takers. And like I said, all those things won’t show up at once but they will and when you reach your limit, you just push back.

You cannot keep giving all of you to help someone build or complete themselves, ultimately you’ll run out of “you” and then crash.

And guess who won’t be there to pick you up? 🚶🏾🚶🏾

Fakers

These are the friends that I truly can’t stand. Display this behavior and I truly will look to run from you.

There are people that I don’t like. We can’t like everyone and not everyone likes me. Probably including you reading this but you’ll still continue reading.

Anyways, the people I don’t like, I am not overly rude to them or disrespectful but they will know I don’t like them.

Never any confusion.

The ones I can’t stand?

“Oh…. hey! Girl, I love your hair and your strength. You’re so awesome!”

But then come to you in private,

“That girl is too ugh! I just can’t see you with her.

She’s not the type of girl you should be with”

And I’m like whaaaaaaa? 😳

Now while your assessment may be right, why pretend to the girl and be fake as if you like her?

Why?

Some people cannot help themselves. They want to be seen as perfect to everyone out in the open and then rubbish other people in private.

“That’s not the kind of girl you should be with”

But she’s the kind you’d want to have a…. lol nvm 😊

It’s Friday, almost Sunday. lol

Point is, I see fakers and I see them being fake about my life and our friendship and that doesn’t sit well with me.

So I avoid them and you should too.

Great Value

Friendships are also formed when people with similar values come to the table.

We sit around and explore personal values and how they align with each other.

Sometimes values that brought you together as friends might start to conflict years down the road, its okay.

If you have trust and openness, it should be discussed and worked out.

For example A & B used to be great friends. Quiet and modest folk.

One of their values was self service and they helped out around the community.

Well suddenly A becomes successful and fame comes with it. Now A is following their dreams and attracting more fame.

A & B are not holding the same value anymore. But what they hold is love and trust without judgment. So what they should do is sit and discuss whats going on for them and how to best keep their friendship even as their most active values conflict.

Sometimes your personal values will clash with that of you friend but it should never interfere.

Like I have a friend who doesn’t believe in God per se but knows I do, he holds his value of exploration and inquisition true while I hold my value in faith.

He never holds judgment over me or vice versa.

There is love there.

There is friendship there.

And The Award Goes To….

I truly cannot stand these folks.

“The trophy bestie”

The one that just wants the position as your best friend but is doing NOTHING to hold the position.

The hardly support you, pray for you, motivate you but are the quickest to claim “best friend”

God forbid you have another best friend or one that you reckon is a better friend to you, the world might just end.

There are the ones that feel the most threatened in their position because they know they are not leaving an indelible mark on your life or that the are one of the people I have described above.

I cannot stand these types of friends.

The position is fluid but you impact should not be. If you are my best friend, I should feel it in your words, thoughts deeds and actions.

And if I don’t I ask why.

Give me answers and we talk through it but nope.

It’s also these ones that make empty promises. Promises of things they cannot do or keep and expect you to still hold them high up.

Nope!

Not how it works..

Best friends are made in the trenches.

When it’s bad, when it hurts, when you are weak, when you are scared and when you feel like you don’t need a best friend.

Sound like some of the characteristics of a friend up above that we should be emulating?

If you are not getting these things, I suggest you reevaluate that friend and whats best for you.

….

Ogeni Drake said

“How are you supposed to figure out what I’m going through, you can’t even figure out whats going on with you”

I have realized that some of the friends I had 3-4-5 years ago have changed. Not out of life but the level of closeness, honesty and interaction has changed.

None of which I am entirely upset about because for the most part, it is because they have grown and changed or I have.

Still all love.

But what has come of me growing up is self evaluation. Taking the time to step back and peel back the layers.

Like what is going on for me inside and in my relationships.

And in terms of friendships, I realized that I had to get to a place where the toxins were dealt with seriously.

Some of you are out there either as takers or just giving all of yourself without being filled up.

Stop and be honest with yourself.

Be honest enough to be true with yourself and do whats right.

Not all friends even going through this list need to be cut off, if there is an honest effort to repair and grow.

I just know that often times people fail to tell themselves the truth and then want to sell you a lie.

Today, I challenge you as much as I challenge myself to be better.

A better friend, a better best friend, a better friend to myself also.

Appreciate the true friends in your life and demand more from those who are not giving the love you need.

You deserve all of it.

And to those that try to make you seem childish for not communicating, here is my word to you

“My silence is the loudest expression I can give you.”

Deal with it.

We all need love and we all need friends but if all else fails, God got you.

The Wordsmith says so..

“They say no man is  an island but the island is not drowning for a reason”

Till next time I have thoughts to share.

Stay up and have a great weekend.

Also share this with your friends or enemies, whatever you consider them at the end of this post.

Check out all the podcasts to my show #TheRants on Gidilounge.

Here soundcloud.com/adewus4real and join us on Mondays.

Have a great weekend everyone.

Stay blessed.

“I just want the happiness to last longer than the smile”

When I was 11, I applied to Air Force Military School Ibadan along with my cousin.

We both got invited to the school for a week of “orientation” before they decided if they would admit us.

I thoroughly enjoyed my time there and I was stoked that one of my favorite cousins and I could end up at the same school.

We returned home and I soon found out that I didn’t get admitted.

He did.

I cried.

Oh how I cried!

Not only because I wouldn’t be with my cousin but because I was rejected.

It annoyed me and made me hate a part of me.

I eventually ended up at Mayflower and soon, Redeemer’s High School and I loved it.

I have some of the most amazing friends from where I ended up.

I found myself.

Or at least started to…

There are tears in my eyes

A pain in my heart

A song on my lips

And a melody

A melody that defines my state

I’m sad

Temporarily

But I am glad

I feel empowered

To stand

Protected to proclaim

That I am

More than a conqueror

Bigger than that pain

Every sorrow

Regret

Or heartache

I am not a coward

I have been carrying a pain in my chest. For a little over a year.

As the month of October rolled around, it took me back to a familiar and welcoming dark place

It would ultimately mark the one year anniversary of one of some of my darkest days.

I felt threatened.

To cower and fall back into a trap.

The comfort of the darkness is so inviting.

First the sadness, then loneliness, then a pain you cannot share with another, aches in your joints and in your veins and suddenly; you’re alone and it’s too cold and scary to outside.

Sometimes I wonder why God has allowed me to walk the path I have so far in life.

“Like why not arrest me and just force me to do what you want me to do Lord?”

But I realized a few years back that I am different. I don’t know how different yet but I know I’m meant to be different.

I recently started to act differently again like last year. Pulling away from people, turning down opportunities to go out, pushing the people that love me away.

But then I realized that I was fighting a battle I can’t win alone.

God has put certain people in your life to help you fight that battle and mine was depression.

In the words of one of my all time faves; Mali Music, he says

“Im on a rocket ship,

And the destination of this rocket is to outer space
Guess I have to go there, guess I have to come here, yeah
Im from the Earth but Ive been taken to another place

And there are powers, even there but you cant see them,
And they have lasers and beam guns
And they’re firing on my brain, but I say

Fireeeee…”

I wasn’t trying to be depressed. I know what it feels like, I knew it was coming. My friend said in her piece “the devil has no new tricks” and that like resonated.

All of what I feel now, I have felt before. So I had to fight his tactics.

I had been moving along today. The heaviness had been on my heart. And as God would have it, a friend sent me a piece that another friend had written and it spoke to me.

I was about to allow myself become a coward again. Almost give in.

I turned on my iPod and I played Charles Jenkins’ song

“My God is Awesome”.

Tears.

The convicting kind.

I could feel peace and I wanted more.

I switched the song over to Mali Music and the “Available” came on.

I couldn’t believe how much the words spoke to me.

The words say

So many times in my life

(life)

Have I tried to do it all by myself

(self)

But after numerous failures I realized

(lized)

That the glory is due to God and no one else

(else)

I was runnin to and fro tryna make things happen

(slow down)

That’s what I’d hear Him say but it ain’t until something bad happens

(that turned my life upside down)

Or will I give up Jesus

(Jesus)

It’s all in your hands now Father

(Father)

Do what you will with me, have your way

(have your way)

Lord please keep me in your will

Lord help me to be still

I just wanna be avaylable to you

(yeah)

I will do whatever you

You instruct me to do

I just wanna be avaylable to you

(yeah)

I won’t move, I’ll wait

(I’ll sit here and I’ll wait)

Until you show me the way

(lead me in the right direction)

The safest place

(it’s in the will of God)

Patiently I’ll wait

(Jesus)

I realized a while back that the happiness I truly wanted in my heart, I was seeking from a partner.

And that is not where I should have been looking.

A good friend of mine said

“…Thank you for your honesty , it is greatly appreciated .

Please note this message isn’t to knock you and i know it’s heavily emotionally driven . but I feel like it should be said as you can’t be leaving a trail of broken hearts everywhere. I don’t put all the blame on you”

In my attempt to plug a hole, I have tried different “corks” but not found the one that truly fits.

Ultimately, they plug the hole for a while and soon, they flood finds it way back in.

I was recently told “sometimes things that can be so simple and so black and white we muddle and over religiousize it.”

Because I said I wouldn’t move until God says so.

I won’t make a decision that he hasn’t approved and depression, guilt or sadness was not my portion.

Those words sparked a demand from God.

I have submitted to you and here I stand.

Validate me.

People will question you or your wants, needs, story, faith, beliefs.

Stand.

My journey may take longer than the next guy.

My healing may be slower but I will come back stronger.

Because I am more than a conqueror.

It is easy to be a coward.

To be okay with okay.

To be okay because it “feels right”. To settle with her or him because you think that’s all you deserve.

To have just another day in the life…

There are tough decisions you have to make.

Pray and stick to your gut, you may get it wrong sometimes but let your truth guide you.

Regret is such an ugly feeling and it eats you alone.

Trust me.

I could have allowed fear and depression to overpower me but no.

This and every decision I have made recently is to the glory of God.

As I get older, I find myself making tougher decisions but God is a God of peace.

I wait on him and he will provide peace.

I have been sitting on the side of the road since I got that piece from my friend writing this.

You are more than a conqueror.

Stand tall.

I stand with you.

Welcome the Return of WordsOfWednesday!

It’s the Wordsmith with #WordsOfWednesday on #WhatTheHeckMan

Zuliha 3 will be out on Saturday. PLEASEEEEEEEEEE COMMENT AND SHARE!!!!!!!

Follow me @adewus4real on Twitter

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

My name is Zuliha, and I’m trying.
To many, that may not mean anything but in my life, I feel like effort can be so telling on where one ends up.
I only sometimes wish that a few important people in my life, tried their best more often but you play the gave with hand you’re dealt.

When I got the internship of a lifetime right out of college at the MasterCard office in Atlanta, I was sure my life would be smooth.

I so badly wanted to leave Maine, that when my sister and her husband invited me to come and live with them in ATL, I was ecstatic.

As I would later find though, giving up my freedom and autonomy was harder than I expected but that was only one stop along my way.

I moved to ATL about 3 months before my birthday.

I was just having a decent time living with my sister and her husband. It wasn’t always the smoothest but we made it work.

I discovered that there are no real shortcuts to self-discovery.

No manuals.

Just experiences and hopes that shape the individual, as they grow.

My journey while still active, is very interesting, if I do say so myself but it can only be appreciated if I walk you through it.

So at the junction before rock bottom, I found myself and in all honesty, it was in the scariest place of my life.

…..

We returned that evening from dinner.

I walked into the house first and headed straight into the kitchen.

I placed the bag in the refrigerator and walked out.

“Goodnight”

I paused and replied,

“Goodnight”

My sister headed into her room and her husband followed closely behind her.

I walked into my room. Closing the door, I walked over to the front of my mirror and sat down.

As I took my earrings off, I glanced over to the right and at the digital wall clock.

10:23pm.

As I rose, I pulled my dress off, leaving just my panties.

I stared at my breasts for a moment and kicked my dress to the corner.

I walked over and picked up my makeup remover wipes and headed to the washroom.

Standing in front of that mirror as I washed away hours of preparation, I just wondered what it all was for.

Like why try?

So uninspiring was the world around me, I just felt lazy.

Emotionally lazy.

Like each dab of makeup was a layer to cover the hurt, the emptiness and just unhappiness that filled me up.

A final rinse and I walked back into the room, flicking the light switch down to my left.

The lights went out and I laid on my bed. I pulled my laptop from the top of my pillow, and logged on.

I responded to a few text messages and logged on to my Hulu Plus account.

Modern family.

Minutes later, I could feel myself falling asleep. I realized I had dozed off as I woke up and looked at my phone.

12.12am.

Happy Birthday to me.

22.

And not a single happy birthday message.

The next morning, I woke up late.

It was a little before noon when I stumbled out of the room towards the kitchen.

My target was the left over slice of cheesecake from the night before.

Walking into the living area, my brother in law said “happy birthday”.

He was watching college football on the tv.

My sister came out a few minutes later as I was heading back to my room with the cheesecake in my palm.

“Happy Birthday Zuliha”

I smiled and said,

“Thanks sis”

She talked to her husband for a few minutes and right before I walked into my room, she yelled out,

“Zuliha, are you going to be here when the carpet cleaners come at 2?”

I rolled my eyes and scoffed in disgust as I said,

“You know it’s my birthday right?

I’m not going to be home”

I could feel her irritation through the walls as she replied,

“So I have to reschedule again?”

I rolled my eyes again and said,

“I guess so”

I headed into my room and sat down.

When I picked up my phone, I noticed a few birthday messages and tweets.

As I scrolled down, I noticed a message from Cole.

He was a guy that I was mildly interested in but one that I continued to keep on the outside.

The message read,

“I have what you need
but I don’t want to tell you what to feel.
You deserve love, being treated like your heart needs to be.
Care that humbles, Growth that challenges
A friendship in love that inspires
I’ve tried to convince myself not to care
For one reason or another
I’m still here
I don’t think you see where we could go
Written off like a pointless memo
I am the most important piece
It is not a joke
Nor does this feel hard
Expression of care to a woman who may not even see how deserving she is
Time and time again
I’ve asked why
But I want you to feel something you don’t think I can make you feel
Sometimes feeling in worlds apart
I speak a language of love
Interpreted across lines
There is a willingness to give you all I have
Not because you earned it
But because my heart feels like you’re deserving
You deserve it
But in the shadows I’ll wait
Not because I’m okay with being a forgotten choice
But because I can wait to give you the love you deserve
There are no rules on how it should feel
But I truly want your story to be unique
Now I’m just waiting for you
To decide if and when we write it”

Sigh.

It was a sweet message but I couldn’t imagine what opening up would look like at that stage of my life.

Before I could even get lost in my thoughts, I heard my sister’s car as she left for work at the hospital.

That was my cue to get ready, I had a long and empty day ahead of me.

……

I placed his plate on the table in front of him.

He looked down at it with confusion as he rolled up his sleeves.

He didn’t say a word though.

It was the boiled plantains on the plate.

I returned with a jug of water and placed it next to his plate of food.

As I turned to walk back to the room, I felt his eyes follow me.

I was almost around the corner when he said,

“You’re not eating?”

I stopped and turned around. Clutching my wrapper in my left hand as I tried to hide my nakedness beneath.

I looked at him straight and said,

“No. I already ate”

“What do you mean, you’ve eaten already?”

He snarled back.

I took in a deep breath and replied,

“It’s late. You came from work late and I have already eaten”

He leaned back in his seat at the top of the dining table and said,

“Is that what your problem is? That I came home late?”

I hissed.

Or maybe that was in my mind but I know I turned around and started walking to the room.

As I entered the hallway, I felt his presence behind me.

He was really close.

He must have run from his seat.

I first felt the full force of his right hand on my right shoulder.

In one swoop, he forced me into the wall.

Face first.

The wall was cold.

His breath behind my neck was warm.

I didn’t fight. It was what I had wanted all day after all.

His strong arms yanked my wrapper off my waist, exposing my smooth ass cheeks.

He quickly dropped to his knees.

His warm hands spread my cheeks apart as he dropped to his knees.

Oh, how his hot tongue passionately burned through my pink.

I could feel my wet dripping onto his face as they trickled down the inside of my thighs.

I could tell he was hungry as he devoured me.

I scratched the walls as I tried to find something to hold onto.

It was amazing how his tongue could reach the depth of my walls.

I realized i was suddenly standing on my toes with my left hand pushing the back of his head further into me.

I’m feeling it now.

Suddenly he stopped.

Abruptly.

I thought I had done something wrong.

Did he taste something “off”?

I was wrong.

As I tried to figure out what was going on, he slowly turned me around.

The hallway was dimly lit.

He was still on his knees as he turned me from the waist.

I felt his hands press on me and he said,

“Lay down”

I didn’t even question it.

Down I went into my back.

I was already dripping down my thighs.

As he spread my legs, he started from the bottom.

Long precise strokes from bottom to my clit.

Sweep.

He wouldn’t let anything go to waste.

His focus on my clit was amazing.

I was moaning and almost screaming in the dark hallway of the house as this man feasted on me like his last supper.

I was digging into the skin behind his neck.

My toes curled.

My back arched and I felt the surge course through my spine.

Fuck!

He pulled up and stood.

He walked away, back to the living room.

There I lay, legs wide open to earth and this man left me.

I got up and stomped to the dining area.

There he was sitting in his seat, ready to eat.

I came close and thought “oh no you don’t”

I pushed his seat back and I got down on my knees. Stroking his member while keeping my gaze firmly on him, I leaned my head forward and took him into my mouth.

My tongue pounded the head of his shaft as I slurped up and down his rod.

He kicked his head back and let out that quiet,

“Fuck”

I could feel his pelvic muscles contract as he tried to fight the pleasure.

Pushing up his sack into the base of his shaft, he let out a gentle moan. I smiled and stood up as I lowered my pink on to his throbbing member. He wasn’t the biggest I had ever had but he knew how to fill me up.

Slow strokes as I bounced up and down.

With each return to the base, I could feel his balls hitting the back of my wetness.

He placed his hands on my waist and began to thrust upwards as I bounced on him.

I closed my eyes and moaned as he hit my spots with each thrust.

“Oh shit, Oh shit! I’m gonna cum”

I remember letting out and suddenly he stopped again.

I opened my eyes and glared at him.

He still had his hands around my waist as I said,

“why did you stop”

“Shhhhh….”

He replied.

He looked towards the window and said,

“Did you hear that?”

I looked at the direction of the window too and said,

“Hear what?”

He looked at me and said,

“Your sister”

I sprung up and bolted for my room.

I quickly threw my clothes on and tried to fix my hair. I made sure I stayed in my room for a few minutes and then I came outside.

My sister was standing between the dining area and the kitchen, as I walked down the short stairs towards her.

She said,

“Hey Zuliha”

“Hey sis”

I walked past her and towards the living room.

She sniffed and said,

“It’s so stuffy in here.

Zuliha what did you cook?… Please open the sliding door”

A sigh of relief and I swallowed hard as I thought that I had been found out.

I headed over to the glass door and opened it up. A flush of cool breeze slapped my face and I breathed out.

My sister headed to the room and her husband emerged from their room, greeted her and sat down to continue his meal.

A few minutes later, I got up to retrieve something from the kitchen. As I walked past him at the dinning table, he stretched out his hand and smacked me on my rear.

We both naughtily smiled at each other as I hurried away.

In the kitchen, I smiled as I opened the refrigerator.

“That was a close call”,

I thought to myself.

…..

I had heard many times that falling asleep with your computer on your bed was a bad idea but I still did it.

To be honest, I can’t even remember how I fell asleep that night but I did.

Hours into my dreams, I felt a nudge.

A cold tap followed.

I slowly opened my eyes as I tried to make out who it was.

The lighting from the laptop screen was bright enough that I could see that it was my sister.

I sat up and said,

“Whats going on sis”

She looked me straight in the face and said,

“I know you have been fucking my husband”

Immediately, the sleep vanished from my eyes. I sat up and tried to muster a response but the most I could do was,

“Huh?”

She smiled and then shook me to my core when she said,

“I know the two of you have been having sex.

but here is the thing, I don’t want you to stop”.

My eyes grew big.

Not only did I get caught committing one of the most unforgivable sins in the world, but the person I was wronging, wanted me to continue?

I was so confused.

It took me a brief moment but I finally said,

“Sis, what are you saying?”

She again looked at me with all the seriousness in the world and said,

“I want you to keep fucking my husband”.

It was impossible for me to contain my shock, so like you, all I could say was #WhatTheHeckMan

I AM BACK!

The Wordsmith is BACK and this series will test your connections to forgiveness and love.
I am excited to be sharing material with you all again!
It promises to be an exciting series.

Please COMMENT and SHARE!!!!
You know all FEEDBACK IS WELCOME!

Welcome back #WhatTheHeckMan family!
It’s 🔥🔥🔥

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Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

Her 4

Better by Sam Henshaw

“Wuraola, I understand that you are frustrated and angry. You have every right to be but these are my kids….”

I paused as I walked closer to her and sat next to her. She edged away from me.

I tried to place my hand on her thigh and she moved away again.

“Baby, it is my responsibility to care for and provide for these kids in any way I can.

I am just trying to do the right thing by these innocent boys.”

I looked at her as she wiped her tears and said

“They have a mother. She should raise them”

There was some selfishness to what she said.

But who was I to claim that after all she had been through, she didn’t have a right to be selfish.

It was hard as we tried to overcome another challenge. One of the many that had faced us in our young marriage.

“First thing tomorrow, I’ll go over to Bimbo’s with Sayid and we will sort it all out.

Okay baby?”

I tried to touch her again. She moved away.

I understood it, so I left quietly.

That night was hard for me. I couldn’t really sleep.

I found it hard to pray, so I almost just had a rhetorical conversation with God.

“Lord… I don’t even know whats going on right now. I know I have sinned and fallen short of you glory but is this it?

Is this my punishment?

To the entrust me with the lives of two children. They don’t deserve this…

It happened only one time and I am being punished for this”                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             

My soul was weary and my heart was heavy.

It all seemed like a lot too heavy to carry but I just quietly mouthed out my words, as Wura gently snored next to me.

….

The next morning, I woke up very early and headed to Sayid’s house to pick him up.

He was concerned that we were going to her house.

“Are you sure we shouldn’t just involve her directly? Maybe even her brother.

I mean… I don’t know about showing up at her house”

He said as I drove to Bimbo’s

“Sayid, this chick has her brother dump two baby boys at my house without warning or notice and you’re telling me showing up at her house is making you feel weird?

You tripping bro… I’m going to get answers because this shit has to stop”

I replied.

He stayed silent.

When we arrived at her house, the gate was locked.

I mean with a metal chain around it and two padlocks.

Locked.

I tried to peep through the space between both gates. Her car wasn’t there and there was tons of bubble wrap all over the floor.

Almost like someone just opened new packages of furniture or something.

Still, there was no way to get in.

As we stood in front of the gate puzzled and unsure of the next move, one neighbor drove by and asked if I was looking for the owner of the house.

I said yes.

He then said

“Oh, she don move. Big big trailer come yesterday and the day before come carry all her load and big tins like chair and fridge.

I been hear say she dey travel go oversea”

I looked over at Sayid as I placed my hands on my head.

Fuck!

Bimbo played me.

….

The home front changed.

The tension was palpable. It was very uncomfortable moving through the home.

I just wanted to be out of there at any opportunity I got.

Not only was my guilt consuming me, but I could feel the resentment from Wura’s extended family and circle of friends.

One afternoon, I returned home and noticed that the boys hadn’t eaten. I believe it was the frustration I was nursing through the whole situation and I snapped at Suki

“Suki!

Why haven’t they eaten?!

Whats going on here?”

The glare she replied me with was classic Nigerian woman.

She snapped back

“Abeg chill!

Is it my job to feed them? Besides they got back late. So chill abeg.

……be stressing yourself over children that may not even be your own”

Confused, I asked

“What do you mean?”

She turned away into the kitchen.

I followed her and said

“Suki, what the fuck does that mean?”

She turned, rolled her eyes and said

“Nothing.

I have food to make”

I was so angry.

But what could I do. A grown ass woman, I couldn’t force her to speak.

I turned away angry and marched into my room.

I quickly changed and headed back out.

Off to Sayid’s I went.

We were sitting on his balcony as I said

“I don’t understand that chick.

Like what the heck man.

…how can she say the kids are not mine?

Bro!

I was sooooooo mad! I had to leave”

He took a gulp of his beer and said

“Thats dumb!

She doesn’t know what she’s talking about.

You can’t let her talk to you like that bro. Especially in your house”

I shook my head and said

“Bruh!

You know its only to make Wura happy.

Like have someone there to talk to and shit but she annoys me sometimes.

Anyways… let’s talk about other shit.

How work?”

We chatted and joked about things and then I went back home.

Later that evening, taking into account everything that had been happening, I decided to move the boys to my mothers house.

She had offered to help raise them and I felt that would benefit from having someone who has raised kids before, watching over them.

So that weekend, I drove the boys down to Ijebu ode and they began living with my parents.

……

Over the following 7months, I would make the drive down at least once a month to spend the weekend with the boys.

They were growing so fast and my relationship with Wura was slowly being rebuilt.

I always thought that having the boys in the house was a difficult reminder of what she had lost.

I believe that the separation from the boys allowed us to focus on ourselves.

It almost felt like a renewal of love.

Date nights returned. Movie Sundays where we just spent the afternoons inside watching Yoruba movies.

Trust was the things that too the longest to regain but I could see she was working on it.

I wanted her to trust me again but I knew I had to earn it.

Part of earning trust is knowing that it is a process and one that requires true humility.

She had moments where her doubts and frustrations came to the fore and we had to work through them.

I had to learn to be patient and understanding.

But our marriage was heading back in the right direction.

This Wednesday as I left work, my mom called me.

She told me that the boys had been sick for a few days and she just wanted to tell me.

I began to worry even as she told me not to worry.

Being that Ijebu Ode was only under two hours away, I told her I was coming immediately.

I got off the phone with her and called Wura

“….so I’m going to head down there and check on them. I’ll be back tomorrow morning love”

I said

“Okay baby. Please be careful and I’ll see you tomorrow”

A bit of traffic and hours later, I arrived at my parent’s compound.

I parked the car and stepped out. Matias and Tomas rushed to me and greeted me.

Playfully I knelt and gave them huge hugs.

There I was trying to understand what my mother said about them being sick.

I placed the back of my hand on Tomas’ forehead.

Normal.

As I rose, I noticed the maid in the corner of the yard. I waved at her and the boys and I walked towards the door.

My mother emerged and I prostrated to say

“E ku ro le ma”

(Good evening ma)

She placed her hand on my shoulder and greeted me back.

I looked at her puzzled trying to get answers. She replied

“Oro wa” which translates to “we have to talk”

As we headed into the guest living room, she told the maid to start cooking rice.

We sat down and she said

“So by now, you must have known that the boys are not ill.

I had to get you here quickly…

So I had a conversation with someone and I did a bit of research.

Did you ever get a paternity test done on the boys?”

I shook my head and said

“ No. They are mine.

Why would I need to?”

She smiled and said

“Are you sure?”

I frowned and said

“I mean. I trust Bimbo.

She wouldn’t lie to me about something like that”

“About something like that?”

she asked and then continued

“A woman that would dump two young boys at your house without warning?

I think I would question someone like that”

I couldn’t say I was shocked but I was certainly concerned now.

“Mother, are you sure?

Because this can start so much.

How did you find out?”

She smiled and said

“One of Bimbo’s cousins was quoted that the Bimbo had said the baby was not yours.

I am not sure but I wanted you to know and seek the truth.

I would never want you and Wura to struggle raising children that may not be yours”

I thanked her and said

“Can you bring them to Lagos next week. I can set up an appointment with my friend?”

“Yes son. I will do that.

Oya let’s get you some food.

You’re leaving in the morning.”

I didn’t argue with her. I just said

“Yes ma”

As we walked out of the room, I texted Sayid

“Bro, mom’s just told me the boys may not be mine.

Getting a paternity test. I go enter Lagos for morning. I go enter your side after work”

….

My drive back that morning was heavy.

So much ran through my mind. I wasn’t sure what to think. Could Bimbo have truly lied to me?

What if they really weren’t mine?

I just whispered a prayer asking God to make it all clear.

As I pulled into the parking garage at work.

I paused for a few minutes in my car.

Without warning, I just I heard a few loud bangs.

I was shot 4 times.

One of the shots hit me in the back of my head barely missing my spine.

I woke up three days later in the hospital.

Wura, my parents and my pastor were all around as I woke up.

It was my father that told me I had been shot.

We all couldn’t understand it.

But somewhere within me, I felt a peace.

A new lease and perspective on life.

Later that evening, my mother told me that the boys weren’t mine.

Somehow, I knew.

Because I remembered that night with Bimbo that I didn’t put the condom on.

And I didn’t really feel like I had sex but in that state, how could I be sure?

I was in the hospital for a few weeks and rehab for 8 months.

I have lost full motion in my left arm but nothing prepared me for the revelation that would come to me.

Bimbo called me one day and essentially told me that when she had returned to Nigeria, she and Sayid had started sleeping together.

When they found out she was pregnant, Sayid came up with the idea to peg it on me.

She claimed that she initially didn’t want to but she felt me knowing I was betrayed by both of them would hurt more.

I hold no resentment or anger towards them but I wouldn’t lie and say it didn’t shake me to my core.

The real revelation was a few weeks ago when Sayid’s parents who are just like parents to me, came to my house.

Wura brought them in and we all sat down.

Sayid sat in the corner of the room with his head down.

He didn’t look up at all.

His father spoke first and said

“We are here with huge sadness in our hearts for what happened. But before God and man, all we can do is ask for forgiveness for sins we commit.

I am not a Christian but I know that God asks us to forgive.

When Sayid came to us and told us everything that happened, my heart broke and I was truly disappointed.

I couldn’t believe that someone I raised could be involved with such evil. Especially to someone that was like a brother to him.

But life is a lesson and we thank God for saving your life but here we are to beg for your mercy.

Please find it in your heart to forgive him”

I smiled and looked around the room to my parents and Wura. Back to Sayid who still didn’t look at me.

Then I said

“Sayid, I have forgiven you.

Like brothers, we offend and we grow.

It is not to my benefit to hold all that evil in my heart. So Sayid, daddy, mummy mi; I have forgiven him.

I now appreciate life a lot more because of that incident.

Believe it or not, my attempting to do God’s job for him is what got me here.

He gave me Wura and thats who I should have focused on. Not trying to see if Bimbo was still it.

But again sir, like you said, we all learn.

I thank God for the chances to get it right.

I have forgiven”

A teary eyed Sayid came and prostrated in front of me. I immediately got up and tried to pull him up.

We hugged as he sobbed in my arms.

“It’s okay bro.

I love you”

He just sobbed.

We separated and they left soon after.

That evening when they left, I cried.

I cried hard.

I thanked God for life.

He gave me a new lease on life but I lost a brother.

……

“…So that’s my story”

I looked around the room as the auditorium filled up.

Workers meeting at the church was beginning to wrap up.

Sitting on the stool in front of fellow members of the church, I felt a rush of emotion.

Gratitude.

“Because I tried to pick for God, I went through trials that spanned almost 3 years.

Pastor and I had talked about sharing my story to not only exalt God but also help others.

I am still recovering but God is the true healer.

I have no seen or heard from Bimbo through all this.

My sons, whom I adopted, still live with Wura and I.

And even though we are still waiting our own blessing, we are grateful for the two God has blessed us with so far.

….So thats me. I thank you all for listening and I hope the importance of prayer and following God’s voice and direction is stated.

God bless you all”

As I rose and said

“Shall we rise to pray?”

I noticed Wura in the corner of the auditorium.

She was rubbing her belly with a huge smile on her face.

I knew.

She knew.

And my heart was filled with joy.

I stood there with a stunned look on my face and my mouth ajar.

She walked up to me and gave me a hug.

Tears started flowing down my face.

I was a blessed man.

She was my blessing.

Through her, he showed me so much about myself.

Through all the sniffles and tears in front of our entire church family, I whispered in her ear

“Wuraola, I love you”

I could feel her smile as she replied.

“I know you do baby.

I love you too”

I thought of the concept for the Her series while dealing with my own personal struggles of decision/indecision. For a while, I made personal decisions based off my own knowledge and many times, I fell on my face.

You need God in EVERYTHING you do.
I am truly blessed to have a heart that I believe seeks teaching. Many mistakes in life can be avoided if we just ask for his help.

In this series, Diji and Wura went through a lot because of Diji’s mistakes.
Yes, a lot was done to him that was wrong or bad but note that his initial acts brought that upon him.

Also, something of note I learned from my mother. There is no perfect man or woman out there. There are only people striving for perfection.
So pick the one that matches your values and is perfect for you.
Sometimes you can get lost in the sauce taking too long trying to find something that is not even there.

There is a “Her” for everyone out there. Find yours and be good to them.
Tell them The Wordsmith says so.

The End.

Thank you all for your birthday wishes and support through EVERYTHING. I truly appreciate it.
Your love and support humbles me each day.
Thank you all. I LOVE YOU!!!

Please continue to make #WhatTheHeckMan grow. SHARE AND SHARE AND COMMENT! It is the GREATEST GIFT YOU CAN GIVE ME.
Tweet about it. Tell your friends.
Spread the word!
WhatTheHeckMan is the TRUTH and you know it!!!

Follow @adewus4real

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

Thankful

At the time of writing this, I have been battling with an annoying cold/flu for 5days.

Being sick sucks!

And it sucks even more when you, had just taken the flu shot the week before to prevent getting sick.

Oh well.

That for me, highlighted one of the things I truly wanted to focus on this year.

Letting God have his way/allowing his will alone to be done.

I got the flu shot expecting to alter the happenings in my favor but nope.

That’s how life is.

But it’s funny that through sniffles and coughs, I am thankful for much.

God– This sounds like a cliche one but boy am I thankful for God. If only for taking the tears out of my eyes, I am thankful.

I closed out 2014, broken.

Unable appreciate love and life, I asked that this year, his will alone be done.

He has had my back, directed my path and opened doors I never expected.

He has kept me and you and for that, I am thankful.

Sanity of Mind– there are so many out there that have the things you and I pray for but have no sanity.

Insanity (no link to the grueling workout routine which I am NOT thankful for btw) doesn’t mean madness like in the last Nollywood movie you watched per se but it means I can still appreciate life.

Some have the money and they are watching their backs, have children who hate them, or family members that want them dead. But me?

I’m thankful for where God has me and where he is taking me.

Peace– I am thankful how much of this I have now but also using it to challenge God for more.

My relationship with God– I am thankful for this relationship more than most.

God is faithful and he does some amazing things. I have felt myself growing in him and I’m happy to be back serving in his house.

I have been accused of trying to “over religiousize” my life decisions but I fear not, he will do what he promised to do.

My Job– thank you. For the paycheck, friends made and the lives I have been able to touch. Lord, I thank you.

My Gift– by my count, WhatTheHeckMan has been around for a little over two years. In that time, I have written 23 series and a total of 143 posts. I don’t know where these stories come from. I’m not even sure how it is that I write them but God gave it to me and for this i am eternally grateful.

With my gift of writing and creativity, I have inspired people, motivated people, educated and challenged people. That for me is purpose related and I am thankful for the opportunity to be a vessel.

WhatTheHeckMan– it started off as an outlet to the get over a toxic relationship. But it led me to all these fabulous ones. I have formed and solidified some amazing friendships through this platform. The engagement and the fun we have on here, makes me feel out of this world.

The Comments– I am thankful for this section on its own because you guys may not believe me but you don’t know how much, how important your comments are to me.

I read them over, they make me happy. Even as I write these stories in the darkness and isolation of my room, it gladdens my heart to interact with you all.

I feel connected to the outside. To you, to your feelings on these things I create out of the blue. I thank you for validating my weird thoughts and storylines. Thank you for tolerating my weird twists, story lines and cliffhangers you love so much! 😊😊😊

Above all, thank you for growing with me.

Now to the people I love and I am thankful for.

My father– you are a man of integrity. A man with such a big heart. Inspirational to me in more ways than one. Daddy, I love you.

My mother– Amazing. My relationship with my mother has come leaps and bounds this year. And she has been soooo solid for me.

Never letting me fall or get too down. I am thankful for her following her dreams as they have inspired me too.

My mother is my angel and she’s a Dr. now! Awesome you say? I have to agree. 😊

My siblings– every year, I thank you guys for being worthy siblings.

For never letting me feel like a failure. You are all living lives on the path to greatness. Thank you.

I pray God will continue to grow you and uplift you. I love you sooooo much!

F.M.S– Thank you. Thank you for being the best friend I could ask for. We have had our ups and downs, battles about who’s efo is better but you are just immense to me.

I am thankful for your life and all the amazing things God has done and will continue to do with you.

And now, in no particular order

Being B– Thank you for chasing your dreams. I thank you for always being there. To listen, to pray, to motivate, to annoy me. Thank you.

The Saturday Morning show is a HIT. You’re still the right kind of annoying tho. 2016 project?

Can you be fixed??? 😂😂😂

Nn– the only human being that can call me at 2am and want to have a full conversation and I’ll allow it.

I have seen you grow so much this year and I thankful for you and everything God does with and thru you.

Keep on being awesome. Keep touching lives. You are truly beautiful inside and out. Live it.

Zuliha– I am most thankful for the heart God has given you.

It works and it feels the great things God has deposited into people and in the world.

I am thankful for your pure “naivety”. It shows that through everything you have been through, with how many times you have been scheduled to fail, you have pulled through and God will do more amazing things with you.

Oya stop smiling, it has do abeg.

The Nigerian god– loyalty. It is always important to have that person that will go to bat for you always. That’s this guy.

He found love and is not annoying as fuck! But he has a good heart and I am thankful for it.

Itafe– you are such a voice of reasoning and a peaceful person. I am thankful for being able to  observe and be inspired by you.

Thank you Fagbon!

Dr. K– Inspirational. In many ways. You have helped align an amazing 2016 for me. Thank you.

Chi-ekene– the belief, the patience, the rotund laughter. Thank you so much. It’s refreshing having you in my corner.

The Lucky 7– Brothers.

No man is an island.

These men, they remind me to never forget where I can from.

H-Nam:- my annoying realist. I am thankful for those real perspectives. I don’t always seem like I appreciate it but believe me I do.

The Bar– Art. Thankful for those heavy days. The safety provided for self exploration and growth. Your staying true to yourself.

O-Akin: you always seem so surprised at the end of each story. Cracks me up!

S-Oke: editor of life. Thank you for the late turn ins, the random requests. The feedback.

The friendship. You’re just super dope!

WhatTheHeckMan Crew: I thankful for all do you for various reasons but off the top of my head

Ife– for alway being annoying. Never commenting but still supporting.

Mhorackz– your expectations of the art, drive the art to better levels. Thanks

Sinmi– Where are my NBA babies????

9jamadea– lol shortest comments. But secretly with a ton to say. Love it.

Feli Feli– thank you for your dedication. And welcome to the family.

Chy– you gotta stay closer to home (the blog). It’s fun at the house.

And everyone else that comments, shares, retweets and such. You all have given me so much life in 2015.

Thank you.

I am thankful that I have the presence of mind to be thankful for the things God has done for me.

I pray thanks and celebration will never depart from our lips.

What are you thankful for?

Family, life, health, food?

Share with me and have an absolutely fantastic Christmas!!!

Love you all. Till next time, whenever that is,

Stay Up!