The Middle Lane on I-35

Is that a midlife crisis? In this economy????

The sighs are much deeper now, much more frequent.
There is so much on my mind at any given moment.
So many tabs open, trying to put the pieces together, sorting things into the right boxes, finding space where it doesn’t feel like there typically is space.
Another year around the sun, they say, or another trip around the sun.

Last year felt like it went by really fast. A lot of things to be proud of, and a lot of work still left to do. I asked myself, even as I started writing this, if there will ever be a time when I feel a complete sense of peace and ease in achieving all the things I have planned for myself.

I don’t think there ever will be. I think there’s something about this need to continue striving for something that often gets misplaced. Some would call it motivation.
I might call it a hole.
But here we are again. Sanmi’s birthday week, feeling a mix of emotions, some simple, some more complex.

As I try to sort through the snowstorm in Texas and my seasonal depression, I am also feeling the absence of warmth from the people I care about most not being around me. We often joke about being born in January and how it means that after your friends have gone to Nigeria and spent all their money, nobody has anything left to celebrate you.
I feel personally motivated to return the favor to those around me who, either intentionally or unintentionally, sometimes make me feel undeserving of love or the kind of love that I want.

It would be nice to be 35 and have a big birthday with friends who care and want to surprise you or do things for you. And this piece is not to crave your sympathy. If anything, it is the precursor to the audit of my year and of myself.

It has been a good year – overall. In a few minutes, I will be meeting with my manager at work to discuss the year I just had, from a performance standpoint and how that connects to my annual bonus. I am a little nervous about it.
Why am I nervous? I am not sure.
Maybe because I don’t know the exact dollar amount that might be prescribed to my performance last year.

Although I did close the year hearing directly from my manager that I had a great year at work.
So what is it? Is it the tale of impact that still feels incomplete?
Last year was the first time we finished the annual give back in December and I did not spend hours crying or feeling depressed or sad. For the first time, it felt good to understand what my purpose truly was, purely connected to how God wants me to serve and how God wants me to deliver.

I feel at peace knowing that this is something I am responsible for and, by the grace of God, will continue to lend myself to make possible for those around me, for these kids, for their families, for my community, my tribe. I asked myself why I said last year was good, and one of the reasons is that I often walked around feeling a sense of contentment and gratitude.

I would hear myself saying “Thank You, God” over and over again.
Sometimes it was in the mundane, in the ability to walk around my beautiful home that everyone compliments when they visit, or the ability to do certain things I want to do. Of course, we have our targets in our minds and things we want to achieve.

Sometimes I have watched people around me achieve things I have dreamt for myself, and sometimes that brings a sense of unaccomplishment. You look around and see people doing things you have dreamt of doing, going places you have dreamt of going, and sometimes it feels like in that moment you will not get there. I am here to tell you, if you are reading this, that that is not true.

Your story is very different.
Thirty five, huh? Who would have thought it.
On one hand, I always believed I would be successful in life. To what degree, I never knew, and the capacity of where I will go, I still do not know. But I see the signs.

I see the need in my heart to be better than I am today.
I see the motivation in my bones.
I feel the impression on my subconscious to never let up, to do a little bit more. I push myself a little harder. I am a little less lax with myself, sometimes even to the point of being unkind. But it will not be said on my watch that Sanmi did not achieve.

I will achieve. I will be great. You will see it, and you will be part of that story. Not because I need the validation of the world, but because I know how much God has placed within me and how much I need to produce.

I often feel overwhelmed to the point of inaction because there are so many things I am good at by the grace of God. Whether it is singing, writing, creating, or connecting, there is so much to be done and sometimes it feels like there is not enough time to do it all.

One thing I desperately need to work on this year is reminding myself that I am not late. I am not late to where God wants me to be. I am not late to the things I want to achieve, and I am not late to the version of myself that will impact the world.

Recently, I told someone very dear to me, who is a little younger and facing a crisis of potential and season, that this feeling happens. Looking around, wanting more than where you currently are. It happens frequently, especially in the season of building.

What has become very obvious to me recently is the beauty of maturity.
Not necessarily getting older, because maturity and age are not always directly connected, but the beauty of collecting enough experiences to impact the lives of those around you.

It has become clear that everything I have gone through, the good, the bad, and the ugly, is because God was shaping me for the man I am becoming and the man still to come. The best part of this season of my life is having enough in my rolodex to tap into, to inspire and encourage people.

I am more confident in myself. I am more comfortable in myself. I am more true to who I am. I spend less time lying to myself about who I am, what I want to do, what I can do, and what I will do.

I am certain about what it takes to become the version of myself I need to be. Of course, more will come with time. More experiences will equip me to get where I need to go. But everything so far has built me into the man you experience today. And even with all of that, I still want more for myself, more for the world, and more to give.

I remember days when I did not feel deserving of anything, when my hard work felt like it would not amount to much. And yet, God’s favor has remained present in my life. God’s grace has never left me.

These stories have shaped me.
These experiences have allowed me to see the world. I have experienced joy at the highest levels, in different countries, different regions, and different pockets. I have had to sit with myself and tell myself hard truths, whether I fell short or exceeded expectations.
None of it has been for nothing.

So happy birthday again, Sanmi. I am truly proud of you, of what you have done, and of who you have become. I am grateful to God for allowing you to see another birthday. I am allowing you to be who you want to be.

I am proud of you for never giving up. I am proud of you for being humble enough to say yes to experiences, to feelings, and to chapters, even when they did not always feel wholesome. I am proud of you for being humble enough to say yes.

If there is one thing I want to promise you, and you reading this today, it is that not only does it get better, you get stronger, wiser, and more determined. I am deeply grateful to everyone who has held me and held space for me.

Where will I be on this birthday?
Maybe you will all find out next week. But I want you to know that whatever you are going through right now that makes you feel like you are not there yet, it is just a test. One day you will look up and realize you are standing in the arenas you once dreamt of and prayed for and or hadn’t been built yet.

One day you will carry so much depth and truth within your soul that you will feel fulfilled without needing external validation. I feel closer to that day and farther from it at the same time, which is exactly where I want to be. Grateful for how far I have come, and deeply inspired by where I am going next.

Thank you, truly, to everyone who reads, supports, and vibes with my work, my content, my experiences, and the extension of myself in how you absorb it. It is not lost on me that there is so much in this world competing for your attention. So for those of you who really rock with Sanmi, thank you.

There are no tears in my eyes as I write this, though they may come shortly after. The overwhelming feeling right now is gratitude. And the overwhelming belief is that it is only going to get much better and more exciting.

So stay close, keep your eyes peeled, and make space for one of the greatest to ever do it – me.

Happy birthday, Oluwasanmi.
I love you deeply.

Please leave me a prayer, a comment or wish. And see you next week.
Check my Instagram to follow my birthday activites this year! ❤️