Deeper by Marvin Sapp
This is my favorite song of all time.
I AM NOT A PREACHER. JUST A SINNER WITH A MESSAGE TO DELIVER
Ladies and Gentlemen, I would like to start by apologizing for my disappearance these past few weeks. A lot has happened. For some, being religious might just be in the actual physical steps of going into a church weekly but for some like me, it involves so much more.
This past week, I got arrested. Calm down. My soul did.
I felt physical heartbreak from a situation but what it caused me to do was turn back to God. I was like a vegetable in hands. Weak.
I usually have my life planned out and mapped the way I would things to go but it was then he clearly showed me that I was nothing without him.
I had become a colossal asshole.
Continue reading so you can gain some perspective into the man I became.
You see, I was never the one to buck to peer pressure or give into the neediness and frivolities of this world but I became vain. Extremely vain.
The humbling things that brought me joy like God, family, love, selflessness and such all deserted me. Numbers consumed me.
The number of likes, comments, views, zeros in my paycheck. I became detached from what was true and what was real.
Relationships I severed. Two really important ones to be exact. One with my best friend and the other with the love of my life. In actual fact they are the same person.
If you are reading this right now, this is not an attempt to win you back. Nor do I hope it influences whatever decisions you have to make.
Truth be told, I forgot my duties, as a friend, lover, brother and just as a man. And I forgot God. Look, with that, my talents that used to be the source of joy for the people I loved became the effector of pain and sadness. The hurtful things I said to the people I loved. If I am ever forgiven or given the chance to start afresh with them, it will be God’s blessings.
I am of the opinion that there is no middle ground in the realm of spirituality. You encamp on one side or another. I could see as the devil would strike right when I would attempt to do right.
I so badly wanted to leave the depression that struck me earlier this year and almost caused me to commit suicide. But I wasn’t consulting God.
And in return, I drifted farther and farther away from him and deeper into the black hole.
Like I said before, I am almost sure I have lost the woman I love to “this stage” of my life. But you never know, right?
I sat there in my room night after night without sleep as he wrestled back control of my life. He knew I had a purpose and he was not going to let me waste it. I began to cry each night with NO ONE TO LET IN.
I couldn’t open my mouth to express the hurt but all I could do was lay there and let him continue to take me back.
I wandered off high on my horse and filled with pride but he dragged me back on my knees as I begged for mercy.
Hurt people hurt people. And I tried to deal with hurt by pretending to not be hurt and then hurting people more. It took tears and seeing the scars in their hearts to realize how badly I had bruised them.
When the devil through his tools in life sets his eyes on you, there is something he wants to take away. And so with me trying to go back to doing and living right and being a new man, he struck again.
I can almost always tell that whenever he strikes, it is either because something good is almost there or it’s on its way. As I write this to you, #WhatTheHeckMan got it’s first serious offer towards putting my book in your hands and you know what happened shortly after, I was filled with extreme sadness from a conversation I had after.
Point is, whenever he has a purpose for you, the devil is always trying to derail it. You have to be sensitive to that.
Ladies and Gentlemen, what have I been trying to say? Don’t let life turn you away from what is real and your true purpose. I fell.
Don’t fall too. I hurt and I hurt people. Don’t let yourself get to that point. I can write you all the poems and all the words but the truth is, this is what matters. THE REAL YOU.
Stay connected to what is true. Love hard. Forgive easy.
If you’re hurting right now, pray for peace and cling on to him and not man. Because man will cheat or lie or steal your plantain but God in my humble opinion never fails.
Today, I have heart desires and my eyes are filled with tears because I realized that the hurt I have caused has made it impossible for me to even try to repair certain situations. All I can do is pray and hope that God comes through.
Stay true to you.
2014 has been a difficult year for me and one of the only high points is that I was able to reach and get to know most of you.
This year, I attempted taking my own life, I lost the love of my life. I lost family and friends, I lost the naivety and carelessness of a young and energized me. BUT today, I am thankful for new hope. And here, I am thankful for him counting me worthy again. For being faithful, even when I was faithless and unfaithful.
GOD: I am thankful to you for everything. Every breath, every word, every pain, everyday. Everything. I am thankful because you never gave up on me. Even others did and I gave up on myself.
Mummy and Daddy, I am thankful to you both for being God fearing people and teaching me the way of the Lord and all you kind words and help in fighting for the things I love. I will never stop being thankful and appreciating you both. You are the best.
K, P & F: thank you for being the best siblings anyone could ask for. You have held me down and made me proud to be your older brother.
F.M.S: I am thankful because you never gave up on me even after all life has put us through. You were there when I was a nobody and you have never left my side. I can never repay you.
Adekemi: thank you for loving me and always doing your best to love me. I wish we had more but who knows what God has in store? You are a unique woman and I truly adore you.
Ore, Toyin, Tosin, Toye, Adewunmi’s and Okunuga’s: Thank you for that which I cannot even explain. Thank you.
In no particular order of thankfulness or importance, thank you all.
Ifeanyi and Itafe, thank you for always reminding me to stay grounded. Best brothers out there.
Eche: thank you for the talks, concern and advice and for your loyalty. Always known I can count on you through everything. Thank you.
Simi: Editor in chief toh bad! Lol and support system. Our friendship has been unique from the start but your heart sets you apart. You are amazing. #WhatTheHeckMan is grateful to you.
Ninz: Where do I start? Thank you for being a God fearing woman. Your struggles have been a blessing to me because they have continued to remind me that God only tests his strongest cohorts. You are an amazing woman.
Nadia: thank you for inspiring my love for art and following my growth.
Sinmi: my one and only wife, thank you for the love always and your support. Our NBA children will be grateful.
Nnenna: you are like a weird sister that always wants the best for me. I am glad I have that. Thank you for all the advice and love. I appreciate it.
Cady: my Congolese support. You are so much more than a friend. Thank you
A.N: thank you for being a great friend and even when I didn’t appreciate you in my life, you gave your all. Thank you.
Ogbeni Kay: There is something about the calmness you exude and your drive to be great at what you do, infectious and inspirational. Thank you.
OluwaLiz, to have someone care about me so much without asking for anything in return reminds of how great people are and how awesome you are. Thank you.
Baddest, meeting you and coming this far has been like a blur. Tremendous love and respect for you.
Chichi: it’s only been a short while but you have been a great voice of calm and reason. I respect and I’m thankful for you and all your support.
Ut: My interesting person. Lol. Always whining sha but you are a geat addition to my life. A welcome smile.
O.R.O: Silently you have shown me so much. Nervously excited for more. I appreciate your inner beauty and resilience. You are a superstar.
Onyi and Ure: for differing reasons, the combination of you two is a blessing. Thank you for being you.
Vanessa and Abiton: thank you for allowing my words to be a blessing to you. I speak from my heart and I’m thankful it has some value.
Tonye: I somehow always know that there is something great coming for you. Idk I just always feel but you never stop being there for me in your own way. Thank you.
Feddy9ja: always bothering me about plantain. It always brings a smile to my face,
Oyinda: getting to know you has been great and your drive each day leaves me amazed. I am thankful that you know what your purpose is.
Lucy: you are by far the most independent and hardworking young lady I have seen in some years. And your heart is so kind. Only hoping for more to explore.
Chy: My day one supporter. Without you, I might still be here but with you, I am thankful God has placed your support in my life.
To all those who I have lost this year, the vultures that have stolen from me or are currently trying to, thank you. Secretly laughing in my face and plotting my pain, God is watching you in 3D.
God never forgets and he’s fighting on my behalf. Believe that. You are part of what will be a great story for me.
#WhatTheHeckMan Family: Ayesha, Ms Dami, Bruce Bane, Eldvyn, OBB, Lamide, Kenny, Adaeze, Ife, Chi, Femi, Halle, Mercy, Omolola, Rinsola, Kayla, Baddest, Dara, Kike, Victor and EVERYONE else in the #WhatTheHeckMan crew, you have all given me a reason to write. A story to tell. You have all kept me going every week and pushed my creativity. Thank you for always being there and allowing me to flood your TL’s. I don’t deserve the support you give me but thank you for it all. Thank you for EVERY SINGLE COMMENT, they keep me going. Literally one of the greatest parts of my life.
And I hope you continue to share the word with your friends and foes.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I am a broken man. Thankful to God for everything but empty at the moment and looking to be filled up with his amazing love and newness. I hope the people I love can come on board with me but if not, I can respect it too.
I went in search of myself in 2012 and it took me two years to find myself at the ending of 2014. My journey has had ups and downs. It’s share of sad and depressing times. Days of sunlight and rays of hope. But I tried to do it all on my own.
Never lose sight of the real things and real people. Never forget God.
I want to thank God for sanity of mind because some have everything and no peace or sanity to enjoy it.
My name is Sanmi A. and I am the owner of the content on #WhatTheHeckMan. A brother, friend, lover, inspiration, mentor but most importantly; a new man.
Today I am thankful for all of you and everything you contribute to my life. Comment if you want but you know how much I love to hear from you.
And know that I say this from the bottom of my heart, I LOVE YOU ALL.