Deeper by Marvin Sapp
This is my favorite song of all time.
I AM NOT A PREACHER. JUST A SINNER WITH A MESSAGE TO DELIVER
Ladies and Gentlemen, I would like to start by apologizing for my disappearance these past few weeks. A lot has happened. For some, being religious might just be in the actual physical steps of going into a church weekly but for some like me, it involves so much more.
This past week, I got arrested. Calm down. My soul did.
I felt physical heartbreak from a situation but what it caused me to do was turn back to God. I was like a vegetable in hands. Weak.
I usually have my life planned out and mapped the way I would things to go but it was then he clearly showed me that I was nothing without him.
I had become a colossal asshole.
Continue reading so you can gain some perspective into the man I became.
You see, I was never the one to buck to peer pressure or give into the neediness and frivolities of this world but I became vain. Extremely vain.
The humbling things that brought me joy like God, family, love, selflessness and such all deserted me. Numbers consumed me.
The number of likes, comments, views, zeros in my paycheck. I became detached from what was true and what was real.
Relationships I severed. Two really important ones to be exact. One with my best friend and the other with the love of my life. In actual fact they are the same person.
If you are reading this right now, this is not an attempt to win you back. Nor do I hope it influences whatever decisions you have to make.
Truth be told, I forgot my duties, as a friend, lover, brother and just as a man. And I forgot God. Look, with that, my talents that used to be the source of joy for the people I loved became the effector of pain and sadness. The hurtful things I said to the people I loved. If I am ever forgiven or given the chance to start afresh with them, it will be God’s blessings.
I am of the opinion that there is no middle ground in the realm of spirituality. You encamp on one side or another. I could see as the devil would strike right when I would attempt to do right.
I so badly wanted to leave the depression that struck me earlier this year and almost caused me to commit suicide. But I wasn’t consulting God.
And in return, I drifted farther and farther away from him and deeper into the black hole.
Like I said before, I am almost sure I have lost the woman I love to “this stage” of my life. But you never know, right?
I sat there in my room night after night without sleep as he wrestled back control of my life. He knew I had a purpose and he was not going to let me waste it. I began to cry each night with NO ONE TO LET IN.
I couldn’t open my mouth to express the hurt but all I could do was lay there and let him continue to take me back.
I wandered off high on my horse and filled with pride but he dragged me back on my knees as I begged for mercy.
Hurt people hurt people. And I tried to deal with hurt by pretending to not be hurt and then hurting people more. It took tears and seeing the scars in their hearts to realize how badly I had bruised them.
When the devil through his tools in life sets his eyes on you, there is something he wants to take away. And so with me trying to go back to doing and living right and being a new man, he struck again.
I can almost always tell that whenever he strikes, it is either because something good is almost there or it’s on its way. As I write this to you, #WhatTheHeckMan got it’s first serious offer towards putting my book in your hands and you know what happened shortly after, I was filled with extreme sadness from a conversation I had after.
Point is, whenever he has a purpose for you, the devil is always trying to derail it. You have to be sensitive to that.
Ladies and Gentlemen, what have I been trying to say? Don’t let life turn you away from what is real and your true purpose. I fell.
Don’t fall too. I hurt and I hurt people. Don’t let yourself get to that point. I can write you all the poems and all the words but the truth is, this is what matters. THE REAL YOU.
Stay connected to what is true. Love hard. Forgive easy.
If you’re hurting right now, pray for peace and cling on to him and not man. Because man will cheat or lie or steal your plantain but God in my humble opinion never fails.
Today, I have heart desires and my eyes are filled with tears because I realized that the hurt I have caused has made it impossible for me to even try to repair certain situations. All I can do is pray and hope that God comes through.
Stay true to you.
2014 has been a difficult year for me and one of the only high points is that I was able to reach and get to know most of you.
This year, I attempted taking my own life, I lost the love of my life. I lost family and friends, I lost the naivety and carelessness of a young and energized me. BUT today, I am thankful for new hope. And here, I am thankful for him counting me worthy again. For being faithful, even when I was faithless and unfaithful.
GOD: I am thankful to you for everything. Every breath, every word, every pain, everyday. Everything. I am thankful because you never gave up on me. Even others did and I gave up on myself.
Mummy and Daddy, I am thankful to you both for being God fearing people and teaching me the way of the Lord and all you kind words and help in fighting for the things I love. I will never stop being thankful and appreciating you both. You are the best.
K, P & F: thank you for being the best siblings anyone could ask for. You have held me down and made me proud to be your older brother.
F.M.S: I am thankful because you never gave up on me even after all life has put us through. You were there when I was a nobody and you have never left my side. I can never repay you.
Adekemi: thank you for loving me and always doing your best to love me. I wish we had more but who knows what God has in store? You are a unique woman and I truly adore you.
Ore, Toyin, Tosin, Toye, Adewunmi’s and Okunuga’s: Thank you for that which I cannot even explain. Thank you.
In no particular order of thankfulness or importance, thank you all.
Ifeanyi and Itafe, thank you for always reminding me to stay grounded. Best brothers out there.
Eche: thank you for the talks, concern and advice and for your loyalty. Always known I can count on you through everything. Thank you.
Simi: Editor in chief toh bad! Lol and support system. Our friendship has been unique from the start but your heart sets you apart. You are amazing. #WhatTheHeckMan is grateful to you.
Ninz: Where do I start? Thank you for being a God fearing woman. Your struggles have been a blessing to me because they have continued to remind me that God only tests his strongest cohorts. You are an amazing woman.
Nadia: thank you for inspiring my love for art and following my growth.
Sinmi: my one and only wife, thank you for the love always and your support. Our NBA children will be grateful.
Nnenna: you are like a weird sister that always wants the best for me. I am glad I have that. Thank you for all the advice and love. I appreciate it.
Cady: my Congolese support. You are so much more than a friend. Thank you
A.N: thank you for being a great friend and even when I didn’t appreciate you in my life, you gave your all. Thank you.
Ogbeni Kay: There is something about the calmness you exude and your drive to be great at what you do, infectious and inspirational. Thank you.
OluwaLiz, to have someone care about me so much without asking for anything in return reminds of how great people are and how awesome you are. Thank you.
Baddest, meeting you and coming this far has been like a blur. Tremendous love and respect for you.
Chichi: it’s only been a short while but you have been a great voice of calm and reason. I respect and I’m thankful for you and all your support.
Ut: My interesting person. Lol. Always whining sha but you are a geat addition to my life. A welcome smile.
O.R.O: Silently you have shown me so much. Nervously excited for more. I appreciate your inner beauty and resilience. You are a superstar.
Onyi and Ure: for differing reasons, the combination of you two is a blessing. Thank you for being you.
Vanessa and Abiton: thank you for allowing my words to be a blessing to you. I speak from my heart and I’m thankful it has some value.
Tonye: I somehow always know that there is something great coming for you. Idk I just always feel but you never stop being there for me in your own way. Thank you.
Feddy9ja: always bothering me about plantain. It always brings a smile to my face,
Oyinda: getting to know you has been great and your drive each day leaves me amazed. I am thankful that you know what your purpose is.
Lucy: you are by far the most independent and hardworking young lady I have seen in some years. And your heart is so kind. Only hoping for more to explore.
Chy: My day one supporter. Without you, I might still be here but with you, I am thankful God has placed your support in my life.
To all those who I have lost this year, the vultures that have stolen from me or are currently trying to, thank you. Secretly laughing in my face and plotting my pain, God is watching you in 3D.
God never forgets and he’s fighting on my behalf. Believe that. You are part of what will be a great story for me.
#WhatTheHeckMan Family: Ayesha, Ms Dami, Bruce Bane, Eldvyn, OBB, Lamide, Kenny, Adaeze, Ife, Chi, Femi, Halle, Mercy, Omolola, Rinsola, Kayla, Baddest, Dara, Kike, Victor and EVERYONE else in the #WhatTheHeckMan crew, you have all given me a reason to write. A story to tell. You have all kept me going every week and pushed my creativity. Thank you for always being there and allowing me to flood your TL’s. I don’t deserve the support you give me but thank you for it all. Thank you for EVERY SINGLE COMMENT, they keep me going. Literally one of the greatest parts of my life.
And I hope you continue to share the word with your friends and foes.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I am a broken man. Thankful to God for everything but empty at the moment and looking to be filled up with his amazing love and newness. I hope the people I love can come on board with me but if not, I can respect it too.
I went in search of myself in 2012 and it took me two years to find myself at the ending of 2014. My journey has had ups and downs. It’s share of sad and depressing times. Days of sunlight and rays of hope. But I tried to do it all on my own.
Never lose sight of the real things and real people. Never forget God.
I want to thank God for sanity of mind because some have everything and no peace or sanity to enjoy it.
My name is Sanmi A. and I am the owner of the content on #WhatTheHeckMan. A brother, friend, lover, inspiration, mentor but most importantly; a new man.
Today I am thankful for all of you and everything you contribute to my life. Comment if you want but you know how much I love to hear from you.
And know that I say this from the bottom of my heart, I LOVE YOU ALL.
16 thoughts on “Thankful”
My nigga this was heartfelt and I am thankful for you in my life. Salute
You my husband, you are strong. I commend you for everything you’ve gone through. The bottom line is you have found yourself. More like God found you and took you into his beautiful arms. The storm would pass and the sun would shine in the morning babe. Congratulations on your book offer. I see great things for you 👏. I worried about you but I’m glad I know you’re okay. #WhatTheHeckMan is about to be crazy. I read this post with chills going through me. At the edge of tears and then you make me smile with your plantain jokes. That’s basically your personality. Emotional roller coaster but you always find a way to put a smile on people’s face. I’m happy for you Sanmi Adetokunbo ❤️
If I tell you the way my heart is crying out.
God will bless you infinitely. Thank you for staying with us. Thank you for finding the strength to keep on. Thank you for trusting in the Lord. And I thank God for keeping you by His side and in His sight.
Everyone has struggles and failures and whatnot in life. Like I told you, it’s not the struggle or the failure that defines us, it’s the reaction to it. By taking the steps you are taking now, I hope you realize you are a success.
We’re all rooting for you Sanmi, and you have yet to disappoint.
awww u know I love u Hun. U helped me through a rough situation just by simply being u and for that I am eternally grateful. Happy thanksgiving Hun and may God grant u more insight in the man he has created u to be. ❤️❤️ there is so much in store for you and I truly believes that. Pressure they say is required to make a diamond, and you are about to shine brighter than ever before. Your joy is here. Love u
I thank God with you for the beautiful man you are. Stay strong!
I really commend your strength and the fact that you’re able to stop and reflect on your actions and work towards being a better person. I hope God keeps helping you and I hope you keep trusting and believing him. I am thankful that I got to know you as well. Keep working on yourself, I believe in you and I you will be great.
Santastic Bobo !!
This was soo heartfelt and you can’t help but tear up whilst reading it .
You talk about strength in others but you don’t realise your own strength ! You have overcome so many battles and you continue to stand tall admist it all . What’s beautiful about you is that despite everything you are still there to encourage others . You still try to make them smile and ensure they keep fighting on .
We do often face our biggest battles just before a great blessing is about to arrive and the devil will try and create doubt and avoid you reaching that blessing anyway possible . Your blessings are on it’s way and your pending book deal is just the beginning . Movie scripts , TV scripts I see it all for you !!!
Thank you for every poem / audio piece / story you have posted .. We appreciate and love them all . Yes , even all the cliff hangers , comment threats and mini heart attacks you give us😭😭.
Psalm 18:32 … ” it is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect ” The road may be rocky and you may not see what he is doing , but 1) he will always be with you throughout it all 2) everything that happens is for the perfect plan he has in your life . To fulfil the desires of your heart . Continue to stay strong and stand in his word , everything will work out .
Thank you , for being you !
Reading through this I was almost heartbroken but naa I am actually happy and Thankful to God for you. I pray you grow from strenght to strenght and may you not stray away from God again. This life we need to understand is a Warfare. Our adversary (the Devil) is going about like a roaring lion seeking whom to devour. So we cannot afford to be unarmed. May God uphold you Sanmi.
Dear woman of his life, may God point you in the right direction to make the best decesion 🙂
Now Sanmi! Fallen heights 3 already!!!
Good to ve you back 😀
Thank God for your life and the personality at which u appreciate those who surround u both close and distant ones. Life have got its ups and downs, without going through those paths, u won’t be this new person you have become. May 2015 be filled with much laughter and joy in ur life and ur family. God is with u as he have always been keeping u sane. Happy Thanksgiving Sanmi
I’m thankful to God for your life because it’s not easy. All said,he always knows, and everything works out for good. Bless, bro. May your life be a rollercoaster that always goes up. All the best.
That is the most honest thing I have ever read.
I read this earlier on and wasn’t quite sure what to say, not quite sure how to relate the Sanmi I speak to to the one you speak of, if that was the ‘asshole version’ I look forward to meeting the new and improved you. On this day of thanksgiving, I’m thankful for God’s mercy and favor on our lives, thankful to him for pulling you out of whatever situation you were in. Honestly, I use you as a point of contact and ask that I receive that same blessing. There’s no better thing than finding yourself.
I truly appreciate your words, thank you.
Keep smiling 😘
#whattheheckmancrew #weDey 💪
Happy Thanksgiving hun.
Hmmm I guessed right that I hadn’t seen a post from you in a while just thought it was me slacking in reading 😁.
I had a situation too in 2012 I got out of a three year relationship that didn’t end well, it made me become so angry, hurt , demoralized, I lacked self esteem and confidence. I became the opposite of my personality I became nonchalant, disrespectful, insensitive and unforgiving.
Then this year wasn’t that great so much disappointments , friends who weren’t as true as they claimed to be , so much envious people around me and just too much toxic behavior even my mom who came visiting noticed and felt it. But I thank God for a blessing in disguise which was I had to move away to start school in a new city although still didn’t change my feeling or thoughts from being negative.
I just lived everyday as it came,even on my birthday last month I woke up not excited , depressed and feeling like I failed but with prayers and messages from people my mood became better but before I went to bed that night a bible verse came into my thoughts ; For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end. (Jeremiah 29:11 KJV) and after that day I started to think positively even re dedicated my fellowship & relationship with God. And he has being surprising me with testimonies.
I am glad, grateful for God’ unending mercies and faithfulness towards our lives even when we get sidetracked and forget him he is always there.
Thank God for people like you in our generation who choose to use their gifts , life experiences to inspire and encourage our peers to be positive and stay faithful to Him.
Congratulations on your book offer and keep inspiring through your gifted words.
And you still had to mention plantain lol. Wow!!! This was a lot to digest but am happy you snapped out of it. May you continue to find peace in the Almighty. May the coming year bring you all that you wish for. To those who have left your side, may they also find peace and may Oluwa bless them for the much they did in your life. Wow didn’t realise that I am the first to comment lol
not to take the awesomeness and sincerity in your story. Also the courage it took to keep finding yourself. I too was lost this year, ventured in things that made me loose myself i even lost the love of my life, the worst part is that i even broke her heart so much that my own soul was in pain for months. I havent even completely healed. My confusion and state of being has been my downfall. no courage to make life decisions. you know what they say a broken spirit dries up the bones. I read your saturday blogs. actually the best part of my saturdays. The things is this some nights i have been through a lot. dried in total darkness. Afraid to love, wanting to go back to the person i hurt and unhurt them. The more i try the more i loose myself still. its like having an OCD. so i feel some of your pain and being someone in a close situation prayer had been the key. Some night i forget to pray. Some night i feel so vulnerable so scared of life. I feel the pain and burden on my neck. and it makes me wonder the person i hurt how she must feel. But my own sermon ends with taking my own advise. LET IT Go. beautiful things are happening. we will find ourselves and hopefully love wont pass us by. Stay strong.
Like the adage says “This too shall pass”… I’m glad you’re finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.
Stay strong, it’s upwards from here 🙂