I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me… like I was going to die. This could not be happening. The doctor held onto me as I began sobbing like a little baby. I was distraught. The doctor explained to me that there had been some complications and the baby was putting Lindsey’s life at risk.
“Why?“ … Why did this have to happen?” I asked looking to God.
I was wailing like my whole world was crushed when the janitor walked into the room and helped the doctor lift my wailing and embarrassing self off the ground. This was unfair!
I truly could not believe my ears. I’m pretty sure I cried for about 3 days straight and Lindsey even longer. It was heartbreaking. All our hopes and dreams; gone. I questioned God. I questioned life. I questioned the strength our love. That was the time when we needed each other the most but that was the time we failed.
It all began when I noticed that she had been in contact with the father of the child; a former friend of mine. With our growing apart, she was seeking solace somewhere else. Was it my fault that I couldn’t get over what had happened? It was date after date. Late nights and no texts back. Smelling like another man’s cologne when she returned home in the early hours of the morning. She would come in and curl up next to me. We would still have sex but it was just sex. There was no love between us. Slowly I began to hate her. God was not answering my questions and I needed someone to hate and so I turned all my hate to Lindsey. It was her fault. She had sex with someone else. This was supposed to be someone else’s cross to carry and not mine. I did not set foot into the nursery we had prepared for the baby for almost 2 months. I was deteriorating; and crashing fast.
Alcohol was only one of my poisons and it was affecting every aspect of my life; from work to relationships to extended family. I was depressed and just wanted to be away from Lindsey at all times. I truly hated her because every time I looked at her, I imagined what the baby would have looked like. I just wanted to die. Therapy was ordered by my job and we went for the first few sessions and then I gave up on it. I was not motivated to force myself to get over the pain. Lindsey let go faster than I did and I hated her even more for that.
Meth burning through my pockets faster than it was taking to cook. I remember one evening when I was out by the water where I normally go to clear my head. I was so high and I just sat there… alone and helpless. I don’t know where the thoughts came from and I want to stand by them not being hallucinations but I began to take my clothes off. It was only after a passerby asked me what I was doing that I realized that I had been standing stark naked overlooking the water. What was happening to me?
. . . . .
It had been three months since we lost our baby girl. I was still not over it. I think there was a part of me as a man that wanted to stand for something. Something bigger than me and being the best father I could be was the start to that. Religiously, every Friday night, I would go to the park where I had hoped to take my baby girl. Clutching the one blouse I bought her in my hand, I would imagine what could have been until tears flooded my eyes or until I got drunk; whichever came first.
One night, I returned home fairly tipsy after a few drinks at the bar down the street from my house. Walking in, I heard Lindsey on the phone. I ignored her and stumbled my way up the stairs into the room. I was laying face up on the bed staring at the ceiling fan. Slowly I began to get dizzy… I closed my eyes. Deep breathe in; I’m not even sure if I exhaled. I could feel sleep begin to overtake me.
I heard Lindsey walk into the room to make sure I was asleep, but I wasn’t. With my eyes closed and my heart rate significantly lower, I understand why someone would have thought I wasn’t awake. I could hear her talking to her friend; not sure which gossipy one it was but they were talking about a man. It only took a few more lines to piece together that she was talking about Devin, the same fucking guy that got her pregnant. Putting it all together, I deducted that he had been over at the house earlier. She was talking about how much of a good kisser he was and how he was a gentleman for not going further and trying to take it to the “next level”.
I was fuming now. In my drunken stupor, I got off the bed and charged at her in the living room. Snatching the phone and throwing it in one sweeping motion, I broke it on the wall. She was livid. She glared at me in anger and shock for a good minute and then got up and walked out without muttering a word. I was still angry. I tried to follow her into the room but she had locked the door. The couch was my bed that night. I woke up in the middle of the night flooded with regret, anger and confusion.
“Was she moving on to someone else?”
“How could she?”
I wasn’t ready for all of this. I was going to attempt to talk to her the next day. I turned over and looked at the broken phone in the corner of the room. It looked like a shiny new toy that was now useless and broken like it belonged to a petulant kid who felt they were more than they really were. It was small and had landed in the corner near the bathroom door. It was never going to amount to anything. My eyes grew heavy and they batted slowly. Sleep had arrived.
. . . . .
“This is just a friendly reminder that your Comcast bill is overdue. Please contact us to avoid disconnection…”
That was the voicemail off the answering machine tailed off as I poured myself a cup of coffee. My head was pounding in my hands. My eyes were heavy. I was clearly hung over. Lindsey was gone when I woke up. Her things were still here so I’m guessing she wasn’t gone for good.
I looked at the time; it was 11:28am. If this was a Saturday, it would have made sense but it wasn’t. Tuesday morning and I was here at home with a hangover and absolutely no motivation or fucks to give. Days like this where I missed work were becoming the norm. I slumped into the couch, turned on the television and began watching the typically annoying court shows.
I looked at myself. A progressive programmer slumped in my couch like a bum with no direction in life catching ICDC college commercials. It began to depress me. I got up and went to the bedroom to pick up my phone.
16 unread text messages, the two most important ones read;
“Lindsey: Received 8:03am
YOU NEED HELP. GIVE ME SPACE.”
“Audrey: Received 9:46am
Guess who’s back?! I’m in town. We need to ‘connect’ J ”
I smiled after reading the second message. Audrey was the one I had wanted to be with before I got back with Lindsey but she had gone to Thailand to volunteer for a few years so it never really took off. There was an obvious connection and physical attraction between us, but she respected the fact that I was with someone so she kept it low-key. I wasn’t technically single so I wasn’t too hyped about doing anything. It did cross my mind though. Exploring things with Audrey that is…
“Welcome back! And yes we should hangout sometime.”
I wrote back to her carefully avoiding her subtle invitation for sex.
The conversations went on for a few more weeks without me really trying to push for anything. We had gone to the movies once and met at a mutual friends birthday dinner but nothing happened. One Sunday evening I returned home from visiting a friend in a neighboring city. It was late and Lindsey wasn’t home. I was settling in and preparing for the next day when I realized that I hadn’t washed the shirt I was planning on wearing the next day. I rushed to throw it in the washer but I noticed some other clothes were in there. I took them out and placed them on the dryer right next to me. I put my shirt and a few other items in and started the wash. I opened the dryer to throw in the damp clothes only to find some clothes in there as well. I pulled them out and moved them out of the way. In motion I realized that they were men’s clothes. More importantly they were not mine… And I was talking men’s undergarments! I somehow already knew what was going on. I dropped them in the empty hamper and reached for my phone. I texted Lindsey to find out what had happened with Devin
Me: Was he here?
Me: Did you have sex with him?
Her response was delayed but the torn condom wrappers in the bathroom already answered the question. It was done.
Her response came in as my phone buzzed,
Lindsey: “Yes. I’m sorry”
It was a slow double break of my heart. I sat on the toilet seat and cried. I had just lost my best friend; again.
. . . . .
Audrey was my release. She was the ‘new’ that I needed. Completely taking my mind of Lindsey who I hadn’t heard from or spoken to since the day she came to my house with Devin to pack out all her things. It was amicable. And I was ready to move on.
Audrey and I had been going great and the heat between us was building. So this fateful evening, it was going to happen. We had dinner at my favourite family restaurant downtown. We talked, laughed and headed uptown for the rest of the night. I gave her a soft kiss on the cheek and said “Zina Street” along with the name of the hotel. As we had both come from work we drove separately. We arrived at the hotel only a few minutes apart and I asked her to wait for me in her car while I went in.
I’d called the hotel about 2 hours prior to quickly book a suite. I lied to them that I had forgotten my anniversary and was in dire need to save the night. Who doesn’t love helping a love story? The ladies at the front desk were very helpful. I told them her name and asked that they send her up to the room when she walked in. The ladies seemed so happy to be part of a great thing. I ran up to the room and set it up. Candles were lit; the bottle of wine placed was placed in ice while I filled up the bathtub with water and bubbles. With slow jazz now playing in the background, I texted her to come up.
A few minutes later she was outside the door. I asked her to keep her eyes closed which she did. Slowly I led her into the room and put her bags down. I gently kissed her soft lips as my tongue waited patiently for its moment to explore. She kissed me back. Her lips were soft like the fresh warm middle of a muffin right out of the oven. I wanted more. I gently pulled her in and kissed her deeply. My tongue searching the insides of her mouth as her tongue responded in navigating my cavity. I slowly began to take her clothes off. Moments later she was completely naked. I fought the urge to devour her welcoming body; I failed. Taking in her breasts one in each hand, I kissed her neck down to her collarbone. I could hear the moans as I led her into the bathroom. I whispered in her ears,
“Open your eyes…”
Gently she did as she was taken aback by the room illuminated only by candles. She was beaming and with a sly smile on her face she began to take my clothes off. Gently we stepped into the hot water in the tub filled with scented bubbles working in tandem with the candles. On top of my package she sat looking into my eyes. No words said… We just kissed and held each other tight. It felt like she was taking all of me as I opened my body to take her into me. The water was a little hot but the heat between was definitely more than I had felt in a while. The way she kissed me was like someone trying to explain their feelings, in a short time, all at once. For a minute we broke the kiss and I looked into her eyes before gently sliding into her. The pace was slow. It was the type of time one could say “I made love.”
Our eyes did most of the talking as our bodies glued in the mid-sized tub. I could feel the water seeping between our thighs as I thrust in and out of her wet cream pie. It was nothing like I had felt before. This felt like a communication of the body with eyes and other parties. Shortly after the party was over, we sat in the tub as I washed her down and she did the same, with a few kisses occasionally breaking our bathing session. Her body was gorgeous. From her silky flowing black hair to her bulky calves that folded on my lap. I wanted all of her. I was not sure if I wanted all of her because I just wanted something new but I was sure that I wanted to be everything to her and more. Slowly we stepped out of the tub and dried off. Climbing into the bed more sex would follow till we passed out. I had never been ridden like that by any woman in my life. She had a way of making her ass control the pulse in my hard member. Speeding it up till I was about to cum but making sure that I lasted long enough for her to get off. She was great! I turned over to her as we finished our glasses of wine and said,
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