Thank you so much for taking the time to read this week’s post. I appreciate all the love and support over the last few weeks and since 2013. I am trying to stay consistent with posting every week, your comments, messages, likes and more are genuine fuel to post more. I always say this, I write ALL the time but I sometimes struggle to post. When I know I am coming to deliver to you all every week, it gives me a bit more fire. So please, never hold back your comments on the blog post and if you cannot comment here, feel free to send me a message as well. They all go a long way. And with that, here are the WordsOfWednesday from The Wordsmith. Enjoy!
. . . . . Hear Me Oh Lord, I Pray
For two weeks straight. Hardly any sleep. There I was, night after night, praying for it to end. The echoes of voices in my head. Sleep would visit but never lodge. I felt powerless in trying to change the situation. The people stronger than me were calling the shots. I was drifting away again. Deep into the night at 2am in the morning, I could hear the tambourines cymbals clang together sending echoes of tear laced prayers into the night. As I lost myself, I felt a firm a hot slap on my back slash shoulder area. It shocked me back into consciousness. Unclear of what just happened, I looked around and there staring at me while muttering something was my mother. We were doing night vigil. It was 3am.
There is power in prayer. The story, I just told you above was my reality for two weeks straight. In the early 2000’s while trying to japa my parents led a family vigil for two weeks straight. The prayer points varied but the theme was “God abeg”, we needed to leave Nigeria badly. Thank God we were all able to leave a few months later. It’s incredibly sad that Nigeria collectively is praying the same prayer now.
Prayers work – short and shallow or deep and vulnerable, they all work. While you are rushing to get to work despite waking up late because you watched Netflix throughout the night before or whether you are on your knees and praying with tears. I just wanted to share with you that prayers got me to where I am today. The prayers I know of and the ones that went straight up for me. Prayers are important.
. . . . . Disciplined Disciple
For many years, I would feel like shit. Everytime I lost it, or shared too much. I always felt like I was “weak” and while I don’t think weakness is a bad thing, I always felt having great discipline was one of my strengths. I was raised to have discipline. My grandfather loved to brag about how discipline made him great. My father talked about how it made him stand out in a crowded polygamous family. But there were times where I would let it slip. Asking for playtime when I was not going to have any. Or holding to chapters in journals lent out to others. Books that had my pages long ripped out. I had to tell myself I needed and deserved more.
In my situation, my lack discipline was affecting just me but in other situations, there are people benefitting from your lack of discipline. The longer you take to take full control of your life, some may continue to benefit from it. There is a man/woman that continues to take advantage of you because you don’t want to hold your boundaries. You haven’t gotten to that next level because you haven’t forced yourself to grind in this season. That life change, you want hasn’t happened yet because you haven’t pushed you as hard as you can. You know it too.
As a high achiever, whenever I don’t hit my goals, I feel unfulfilled. I did notice however, that on the goals that I aspired for and tried hard to give my best, if they don’t work, I am usually fine with it. But on others where I know I didn’t apply myself, I feel like a failure. Creativity is important, desire is necessary, consistency is key but discipline, changes everything.
. . . . . Get help!
I had double booked. As I sat down in my barber’s chair, I greeted him but did not respond to his greeting properly. I signaled that I was on the phone. I was trying to quietly reschedule my therapy session, so I could get this haircut and head on vacation. Then it dawned on me – why was I hiding that I was in therapy? Or “ashamed” of it?
I cannot tell you where it came from or how it did but the courage to speak up returned. I rescheduled the session and then I told him about how I’ve been in therapy. It got me thinking about how men mostly don’t talk about therapy and getting the help they need. The stigma around it has been long documented and I can completely understand why. Therapy requires a level of vulnerability and honesty that the world does not celebrate within men. But I like I have said over the past 11 months, I am no longer hiding from who I am or who I want to be anymore. Our chat about therapy was very short – he never said if he was in it or not but I shared my story, my journey and for me, that was plenty. I may have been the domino that made him consider therapy, return to it or move a step closer to it. Who knows? But I am glad I spoke about it.
For those of you out there considering therapy, here are some of the things I have learned so far.
Therapy is expensive – financially and emotionally. It will ask a lot of you – be ready to give it, so it can work.
It requires vulnerability and honesty – I always tell people that the easiest person to lie to is yourself, for it to work, you will have to be very honest about you and with you. Remember that.
It is a lifelong process – there will be phases where it seems like your whole life is put together and you don’t need therapy anymore, don’t fall for it. I did once. Stick with it. Make it a part of your lifetime emotional workout. Continue strengthening the muscle and you will be better for it.
Shout out to everyone that celebrated Valentine’s day yesterday. Your reward is in 9months. 🤰🏾😊
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There is something they say about meeting your heroes. I went to a high school in Nigeria owned by the Redeemed Christian Church of God where my parents were Pastors. I liked my experience at the school and at the time Pastor Adeboye was a hero to me. Over the years, I continue to appreciate his standing and his impact in the lives of Nigerians, Africans and Christians worldwide but I most certainly cannot say that he is still a hero for me. I have met him up close a couple of times – I am pretty sure he doesn’t remember. He has met millions of people over his long life.
In a few weeks, he’s coming to my neck of the woods. All the churches in the area have suggested people to build out a mass choir and my name was mentioned. For my efforts and my abilities, I assumed or expected to be one of the leads. Somehow I was not selected as a lead but as a backup(I don’t think our choir mummy likes me but subject for another day) I immediately got in my feelings – especially because both of the rehearsals are almost two hours away. I was very annoyed. But I met this amazing soul a few months ago and they thought me the power of reframing. Frankly, I think they reframe a little too much but I truly appreciated their perspective on trying to see the positives in things. I started considering the simple fact that, truth be told, it’s possible that I may not have been selected at all.
The reframe gave me a reason to be grateful for my talent period. But also be grateful to be called. I can sometimes struggle to reframe into the positive and it’s something I am working on but I wanted to share with you all. There will be a lot of times where the world tries to knock you down but being able to stop and reframe might be one step out of navigating through a difficult situation. And funny enough, I am currently now in line to lead one of the main songs because the other guy chosen can’t make it. Look at God – I’ll report back to see if I actually end up leading.
Do you have any phobias? I really HATE cats but I also hate raccoons. I was rushing out of the car to avoid raccoons and cracked top of cologne bottle. It fell and I broke it. So it got me thinking – what things out there are you all afraid off? Please share in the comments below.
See you all next Wednesday. Please share this piece with your friends and family and on social media – Twitter, IG, Snapchat and so on. Thanks!
The Wordsmith, Master of Cliffhangers.
Please comment, retweet and share. Thank you for your continued support. You are highly appreciated.
It’s 5:42pm and I need to head to choir practice soon. I am looking at items on aisle E2 at Target and listening to worship songs through my AirPods. I’m on the brink. The next song, the next beat, the next string may break me. I turn to head to another aisle and it happens. Tears. Yup. I drop to my knees and I begin sobbing. It’s been as if my chest has been tight for weeks. Something – I don’t know the thing – has been heavy on my spirit. Actually, it’s a lie. I know at least one of the things. But back to me on the floor in Target. This is the culmination of weeks and months of holding it in. Being strong. And finally, right next to the dish soap, I broke.
Describe what peace of mind looks like to you? Take a moment and think about it. No, stop reading and just think about it. When was the last time you felt peace? Not your house/home being freshly cleaned and quiet with a candle lit. That’s peaceful. Not peace. The peace part is inside you. It’s intangible but when it’s present, it fills up the whole room and some can’t see it. But they can feel it.
This particular edition of WordsOfWednesday is a dump. Its a few of my thoughts from many months. So yes, they may be all over the place but I hope they connect with some of you.
I was at the Maverick City and Kirk Franklin show last Friday and many times I cried. Before they started, I wrote out a list of prayer points and I hoped God would speak to me. As I write this portion, I feel like I will cry again at any moment. But here we are. Writing brings me peace. I just want the one that stays. It’s been many months of fleeting emotions. On various trips, I forget my worries. I detach but I have found that if you don’t spend time finding the peace that stays, you’ll never have for too long. I used to have it in church, now two weeks in a row I watched the service from home and rolled my eyes. I used to find it in friends but I feel like many have forgotten what it feels like to truly be there.
Sometime last year, someone old me that one of my brake lights was out. I have some work that I need to do on my car, so basically I ignored fixing the light. But I realized that I was always afraid to drive at night. If a police car came up behind me, I would drive and hope I didn’t have to step on my brakes. This happened for months, almost a full year. Then one day while getting my oil changed, I asked the guy if he could help me change my lights. I already had the bulbs in the car the whole time. A few minutes later it was done and I was driving off at peace.
It got me thinking about how many times, we are the architects of our own heartache. Many times we just need to take a few minutes/hours/days to focus on fixing that one thing but we choose to put it off and it hurts. That healing, that letting go of pain, that closing a chapter – we put it off for so long and it hurts us even more. Don’t be like me, fix your light.
Clean on the inside, clean on the outside
A few weeks ago, my friend’s father celebrated his 70th birthday. I was privileged to sing at the event. When it came to giving speeches about him, everyone basically said similar things. The biggest one was that he was the same man inside the home as he was outside. Like they literally meant, the version the world see is who he is to the core. For me, it was humbling in many ways. Most especially because I knew I had to aspire for that.
Are you the same when the lights are off or you’re in a different crew? Will people say your core values never waver? It really got me thinking and it’s something I want to strive for.
Who are you? Like truly! Forget all the stuff you do for people and outward things – when you are sitting in your car – alone and reflecting, who are you?
Personally, I am a beautiful and flawed soul. I am kind, thoughtful, patient (to those I like and some people), generous (with time and resources), introspective, highly irritable, stubborn, sometimes stoic and so. I know myself – to a certain degree.
The challenge here remains, that sometimes we put ourselves in situations that force us to question who we really are. Nothing should be making you doubt your true self and if you are in spaces that do that, you need to leave.
For me, the times that I have felt like I didn’t know myself were the times when I went searching for acceptance over being true to myself. Most of the times I have clashed with people, a part of it is rooted in the fact that I know myself and regardless of their opinions, I wouldn’t budge on my core self.
I heard a short sermon at a worship session today (more on that later) and the word simply said
“God has already loved you the way you are. He has chosen and accepted you. We just spend our whole lives trying to come to that realization even though it was settled long ago”. It struck me. The sadness I feel right now is rooted in the fact that I wanted to be accepted by certain people but upon true evaluation, they added nothing to my life. So why continue to feel less than for people or spaces that don’t leave me with more?
Again, know thyself. Know what makes you tick. What your flaws and strengths are. Your vices. Your limits and boundaries. And then hold them. Evolve but don’t “change” – stay true to you because in your life, you are your only constant.
Thanks for reading! Leave me a comment below with your thoughts.
When was the last time you were truly in love?
And it blossomed into a beautiful garden?
When was the last time you started and finished something?
For most people, you are still reading but passively trying to remember the last thing you saw till the end.
The last time you stuck to a diet or finished a project.
What about that thing that you promised to learn how to do?
I’ve been thinking about the idea of completion and how it fosters confidence and growth.
Thinking about my life, I realized there weren’t many things that I have truly seen through.
Of course, I can count my two degrees and such but how many goals over the years have I been committed to all the way?
How many times have I decided to lose weight and quit once I started seeing some progress or life trials came knocking?
How many times did I decide to jump back in and once I dipped my toes in, I got flustered and ran?
Continuously, we fail to follow through.
It doesn’t make us bad people or people without integrity, sometimes life is just – hard.
But over the course of the month of June, I decided to take up ONE thing and crush it.
And that was my fitness.
I committed to going to the gym/working out at least 4-5 times a week.
From the picture above, you can see that I did it.
The confidence I got from that is what I am now transferring to my daily routines – skincare, teeth hygiene, prayer and daily devotion.
I used to get weary about being able to continue something for a long time or the rest of my life.
A part of me realized that it was because I was trying to build steady routines in 5 conflicting areas of my life at once.
I had to step back and carefully reassess.
I started the #75HardChallenge on Sept 1st and I am not just looking at it to be a physical transformation but a reminder that I truly can do this.
Completely reset my whole thinking and tap into a level of grit that I have never really tapped into.
Today I’m writing this to encourage myself and you as well. Select ONE thing, one muscle that you can strengthen over the next month or so. Once you complete that, you can translate it to something else and then another and another.
For me, I kept thinking about how relationships are and how I have some anxiety about being stable for long periods of time.
I had to remind myself to stay small.
Conquer a month, then two and then six before you know it, you know how to do it.
So pick up that book, go on that date, hit the gym again or just take time out to love yourself each day.
There is beauty in completion. There is strength in perseverance.
One of my favorite quotes says “there is no fatigue felt on the day of victory.” I agree completely.
So what are you committing to over the next month?
Please leave a comment below. (can you do that? lol)
Thank you for reading!
Please comment, retweet and share. Thank you for your continued support.
You are highly appreciated.
When I woke up that morning, she was gone. I was late for work so I had to get going.
For some reason, I was just tired because the food and the sex that we had the night before had obviously conked me out. I felt groggy and sluggish. You know that feeling you get the next morning after a great session the night before. You’re smiling from ear to ear, glowing but super tired. That was me as I slumped onto my desk at work that morning.
I turned on my computer and responded to some work emails. I remembered that I had to check in for my flight the next day. It was already 24hrs before the flight so I could check in online. I remember being thankful I did not have to pay for my luggage because I was able to pack all my stuff into one bag. Tasha on the other hand was horrible at packing. She would come over to my house for the night with a minimum of four bags and even bring her own food. It was amazing and just comedic sometimes.
I remembered Tasha and picked up my phone and texted her,
“Hey you, how’s your day going?
You just bailed on me. Thanks for last night. I appreciate it”
She responded about seven minutes later saying,
“Oh babe, I’m sorry. I had an 8am meeting. I left and I didn’t want to wake you up. I even forgot to tell you there were some eggs for you in the microwave. You didn’t eat this morning huh?”
I knew she was right. I barely ate, so I elected not to respond because I knew her and I knew she would immediately get upset with me. I continued my day and texted Jules to find out what we would be doing on the day before his Sunday night dinner. His response was strange but I didn’t even think so till much later. He said,
“Oh you’re coming for real?”
I was surprised but I joked it off because I thought he was teasing because I had flaked on coming to visit him a few times. I typed back,
“Of course, I’m coming bro. It’s your big night. My flight leaves tomorrow”
I didn’t get another response from him but I didn’t even need one. I was leaving the office heading home. I was excited to see my brother, Jules but I was still unsure about Jacques.
I was driving home and the worry of what might go down with Jacques was still very much on my mind. I reached for my phone as I sat in traffic and began texting,
I hated when people told me they wanted to tell me something and then proceeded to not tell me immediately they told me. Funny, how much I hated suspense!
Knowing Tasha, there was no way to express things she didn’t want to. I just had to wait and I waited all night. I so desperately wanted to text her but like many, I didn’t want to be the one chasing after her.
So I lay there in bed and wondered what she might have wanted to tell me. Why hadn’t she spoken to her brother? Why was she holding back? Was she really in on it with him?
I began to weave ideas in my head. What was going on? I just needed to know. It was too much to stay awake for. I had to go to sleep; I had an early flight to catch.
The flight was reflective of my life at that time. There were some smooth moments and then there were some rocky times as the turbulence made the flight unpleasant. Whilst on the plane I thought about how long ago the three J’s had been together. I was the type of person to internalize the problem. I would make their problems, my problem and worry consistently about them so the disconnection between us saddened me. I understood some of Jacques’ frustrations and fears about his sister dating me. I understood that I was an asshole before but I was a changing man. I really wanted to do right by her. I saw myself with her long term. I wasn’t going to cheat on her or mess around. I knew that once we got back together, it was for life and I was ready for that.
I spent most of my time after I landed in my room because Tasha was scheduled to arrive later that night and Jacques and I obviously weren’t talking while Jules was also off running errands and putting finishing touches towards the dinner to be held at his house the next day.
I ventured out of my hotel which was around the airport and hit the mall. I did some light shopping and wandered into my favored Aldo store to pick up some new shoes that caught my eye. I thought to myself that it was going to be a truly odd experience when we all meet the next day. I remembered the last time we had all been in the room together like that. It was the night of Jacques’ birthday party. There was so much love, laughter and food in that place that night. I was not sure how it was going to be this time.
I had brunch with a friend at a local dinner not too far from my hotel and then I returned to my room to take a nap. I got up at about 4pm and I just had this sickening feeling in my stomach. All of a sudden I was really nervous. I felt like I had done something wrong. I just wanted to back out of the whole thing. I got under the warm water in the shower as it covered me. I just wanted to stay there. The water drowned out any outside noises and left me feeling safe in a way. I began to wish that I was just allowed to stay there but I couldn’t just be there. Stepping out of the shower with a towel lying on the ground, I began to dry myself off. I reached for my pants and put them on and then my hair brush as I put my shirt on. I started brushing my hair and looked into the mirror; this was a reflection of me. My eye sight was still not great. I had to put my eye drop in before leaving. I needed to make an appointment to see my optometrist again and also get a refill on my prescription eye drops.
I was done. I reached for my jacket and put it on and then I grabbed the gift back that included a bottle of a custom made Pinot bottled in 1972. That winery only made 250 bottles that year due to a fire on the farm. So the value of those bottles sky rocketed costing thousands but Jules was worth it. I looked around my hotel room and made sure I had everything. I put some floss in my wallet and sprayed my cologne. I never left to any meal without floss. I hated food stuck between my teeth.
. . . . . .
I arrived a little late like I always did making sure I was not the only one there when other guests showed up. There were about 4 people there already including Jules. He seemed happy to see me but I was over the moon. I gave him a big hug and attempted to catch up with him before his girlfriend pulled him aside to continue the preparations. People began to trickle in and then Jacques arrived with his new girlfriend and Tasha. I wondered why Tasha didn’t ask me to come and pick her up even though I was sure she wasn’t staying with her brother and his girlfriend. She came over and gave me a warm hug and kissed me. It had only been 4 days since I last saw her but it felt like forever and I had actually missed her. I leaned in and planted a kiss on her cheek and hugged Jacques’ girlfriend. I had totally forgotten her name. The party began as Jules, girlfriend on his arm, welcomed us all and thanked us for coming. We began to dig into the great food.
About 45 minutes in more people had arrived and there were 13 of us seated across the table with an amazing outlay of food in our presence. The food was being passed around while we all filled our plates. I was seated at an angled corner from Jacques. The tension in between us was palpable. You could touch and feel it.
There was a way he glared at me. His girlfriend was repeatedly trying to redirect him by engaging him in small talk. He wasn’t having any of it. It truly just seemed like he had everything bottled up on the inside. Dinner was coming to a close and the bottles of wine on the table were piling. There was slow beach music playing in the background as we all drank, talked and laughed. A couple of Jules’ co workers were looking like they were about to leave so it seemed like the perfect time to have a toast right before they left.
I raised my glass as I rose up and gently tapped my unused bread knife on it. Everyone turned and looked at me. Jules sitting at the head of the table to my left turned down the volume of the music playing. I cleared my throat, smiled and started my speech with,
“We are all gathered here to celebrate a good man. A hardworking man who I have had the privilege to grow with and know for many years, his determination and dedication towards the things and people he is passionate about is amazing. I appreciate you as a brother, a friend and a confidant. This new phase for you will only bring great things. You have shown that through hard work, loyalty, integrity and honesty; you can achieve anything. Congratulations bro, you deserve this”
Right before I was able to finish a now drunk Jacques blurted out,
“At least he knows what loyalty looks like”
I wasn’t taken back or surprised because I knew Jacques and his problem with regulating himself when alcohol became involved. I was angry. For the better part of the night, I had controlled and contained my temper and right then I just was about to lose it but I kept calm. I was not going to engage with Jacques. I tried to ignore him and sit down when he said,
“that’s what I thought, you lying piece of shit”
His girlfriend placed her hand on his arm as if to rein him in but it didn’t help. I looked straight at him sitting down at the table and with a built up but controlled rage I said,
“Jacques are you really trying to do this? Are you really trying to do this here?
Your plan is to air our dirty laundry in public here? Are you serious right now???”
He looked at me and said,
“yes! You wanna stand there and give a speech about loyalty and honesty and shit. Yet you’re out her operating behind people’s backs!”
I was actually startled and had this puzzled look on my face. Jules was surprisingly not standing to interrupt or break up what was about to happen. I thought it was because he had been doing that between us for so long and he must have been fed up or he was just too drunk. I didn’t know when I dug into the reserved anger in me and said,
“Bruh! You need to chill the fuck out with that. What I have to do with your sister has nothing to do with you? Let it fucking go!
She’s a grown ass woman who can make her own decisions and she’s decided to be with me. So be a fucking man and leave it alone. I have never done anything to hurt her and I’m not planning on it so niggaa! Chill the fuck out!”
People were starting to get really uncomfortable and some began to excuse themselves while Tasha held me back and Jacques girlfriend tried to calm him down. The girl Jules had been talking to, Victoria, was puzzled and trying to keep the peace.
Jacques charging at me yelling obscenities suddenly paused after what I had said and smiled. He said
“Oh she didn’t tell you?”
looking at Tasha and then he continued talking,
“I thought you would be one to hurt her but I guess she got to you first. Hahaha such a shame”
I was now confused and I looked at Tasha who was holding my right arm and saying
“Don’t listen to him baby. He’s just saying that to make you mad.”
“He hasn’t said anything yet. What are you talking about? What is he trying to say?”
“Nothing baby. Just forget it and calm down. It’s not important”
She responded and then Jacques cut her off,
“Yeah, that’s not what is important. What’s important is the bullshit you told the NCAA when they called to investigate about the Championship game and why I didn’t test. You were the only one who knew about it and now they are investigating me. You broke the trust you fucking traitor and now you want me to let you be with my sister?! Hell no! I’d rather die you son of a bitch!”
Now, I was mad! If it was possible to see the fumes coming out of nostrils, they would have been enough to burn a corn field in the California drought. I yelled back,
“Me! Me?!!! Are you mad?! Why would I do that? After all that we went through. After all those years. You think I would turn on my brother now?! Now you’re the one not thinking.”
Jacques was a bit taken back by how angry I was. I was close to tears. Whenever I got really angry and I didn’t have the words to use, I would just find myself crying. It also happened whenever I was wrongly accused of something. I was about to lose my shit proper. Tasha had let go of my arm. Jules was quiet in the corner with his girl looking in shock next to him and then Jacques said
“So you’re trying to tell me you never told anyone about our plan back then?”
I shook my head and said
“No! I never told anyone…”
Then it dawned on me. I did tell someone. I did tell one person. But NO!
It was absolutely impossible that the person would have done that. No they could not have betrayed me, betrayed us like that.
I turned to my left and looked at a now worried Jules. He stepped back and then I said,
“I told Jules and only him”
Everyone turned to Jules who made no attempt to defend himself as he took steps backwards. Jacques spoke first before anyone could speak
“You told the NCAA about that. You tried to ruin my life after trying to ruin my sister’s relationship? You bastard! You blackmail my sister and then try to ruin me?!”
Jules chimed in
“I didn’t know my testimony in the investigation was bad. I just said what I thought they wanted to hear. It was so many years ago”
I now had an idea of what was going on and I needed answers. I turned to my right and looked square at Tasha and said
“Tasha, was Jules the reason you didn’t come to the hospital all those months?”
I needed more than that.
She was now crying. The Tasha I knew was solid even in the face of pressure. Something was off but I was frustrated. I yelled
She was wiping her tears when she pointed at Jules and said,
“It was him. It was because of him.”
“What do you mean?”
“He blackmailed me. Jules and I had slept together only a few months before you and I began talking. It was just sex. Nothing more I promise but…. *she sobbed a bit more* when you and I got serious, I didn’t know how to tell you because he was so close to you. So I thought it would go away. He did go away for a while and then he returned when the accident happened and told me that night we were both at the hospital that if I didn’t have sex with him, he would tell you that we had been having sex before you and I became. And I didn’t want that to happen so I gave in. It was only oral but I could not bring myself to look at you again. So I stopped coming to the hospital and stayed away hoping that you would forget about me and my secret would stay dead. I am sorry”
As the last words sailed into the open and shocked room, it felt like a dagger went right through my heart. I looked at Tasha and tears began to streak out of my eyes. I was hurt; again. I had no words to convey my emotion. I felt so stupid.
I was waiting for this girl and hurt that she was not there when I woke up, not knowing that she had been with someone I called a brother. I sat back down in my seat, shocked. I could see Jacques and his face was filled with such regret and sadness. This was not how he wanted me to find out about all this.
I felt so naked. You know that sense you get when you are the last one let in on a secret so significantly about you. I could not imagine that they all knew and nobody told me. I looked around at Jacques; his entire expression said he was sorry without even using words. I turned at the other guests and they all felt sorry for me. I slowly with my teary eyes moved and looked at Tasha, she was sitting in the corner with her hands over her face and all her makeup smeared. I still loved her but I was hurt and while I understood what she did because I had been in that situation before, I was pretty hurt.
I turned over and looked at Jules. It all made sense now. Distributing all the focus away from himself and not wanting to talk about Jacques or Tasha back then. It seemed like all my hurt and anger was channeled that way. I was ready to pounce on him and then he made the biggest mistake ever. He opened his mouth and said,
I lost it. I don’t even remember how fast I ran that way. I jumped out of my chair pushing it back with my left hand. I ran around the couch and dashed for him. Victoria tried to block me and I darted around her. Jules was a tight end in college, a really big guy. I pushed into him and he barely moved. I don’t know exactly what happen next but I swung at him trying to punch him and missed. Trying to defend himself he pushed me and I slipped, falling backwards I crashed into the center piece of the table and the glass shattered and right then my head smashed into the tiles on the ground. The sounds of the glass were familiar, like that day on the road. It was very loud. And just like that day, it all went dark really quick and then quiet for a little while.
All of sudden I heard people rush out to me and I could hear a really scared and worried Tasha calling my name
I could hear Jacques on the phone calling for the ambulance and Victoria yelling at Jules for what he had done. Slowly the noise died out in my head. My eyes batted. I could feel hands on me. My breathing slowed. And then it went completely dark and silent.
. . . . . .
The sounds were the same, the beeping of the machines. It felt like a familiar place. I yawned and slowly turned. I could hear the chatter and the voices from far off. I felt sore and my head throbbed. I felt stiff like I was strapped onto a surfboard.
I turned around moved my legs. I could feel a pounding in my head.
It was tight and dark around me. I could feel a cool breeze from the fan blowing all over me. I knew where I was. The smell of drugs and the moist in the air, I knew this hospital bed. I knew people were in the room but I wasn’t sure who.
I wanted to ask who it was as I turned my head to the left and then I heard a voice.
“Mr Osho, I’m sorry to hear about the situation but from the initial scans we ran it doesn’t look good at all. There seems to be a lot of scaring in your eyes and the little shard of glass has moved into a dangerous position. It is quite possible we might be looking at some permanent damage here”
I clinched the sheets and I knew.
I knew that I had gotten lucky one time. There was no way fate was going to be kind on me the second time. I just felt it in my soul. The doctor continued,
“We will run some more tests and see what we come out with. For now, get some rest and we’ll hope together”
I heard someone thank the doctor as the door closed behind him. I believed in my heart that it was over. Jacques opened his mouth and began talking,
“Jerome, I’m sorry bro. I truly am. I’m sorry for doubting you and for accusing you of those things. I should have trusted you. I should have known that you would never betray me, betray us after all that we went through. I’m disappointed in myself and in the things I said. I should have never allowed my feelings to come between you and my sister. I made the biggest mistake in a long time. I just hope you can forgive me and I want you to know that I will be here for as long as you need me. I’m sorry bro…”
Jacques was sorry I could tell. He had always wanted to protect me. From putting himself on the line for me back in college to loaning money when I was searching for a job, this man always had my back. It was just sad that this situation had caused this rift between us. I wanted to cry and I knew we were both hurting. I gathered myself and said,
“It’s okay bro. I’m sorry for the things I said too. I hope we can move forward and put all this behind us. You’re a brother to me. Not even like one and I am sorry that all this came between us from your sister to the NCAA thing. I’m so sorry I let my temper get the best of me. I love you bro”
I paused and then said,
She muffed her response
“I love you. I always have from the first day I met you. I knew I had to have you. It has been hard. Bumps along the way but I have never stopped loving you. I don’t even know why I’m saying this right now but I want you to know that I will always love you. I wish you had told me the truth then. It would have been better to be hurt then and he would have never been able to use it against you. You are my heart. You and your brother are my family”
I held her hand and squeezed it tight. They stayed for a few more hours before Jacques left for the night.
I was wheeled into the room for an MRI early the next morning. Tasha had brought me some Chinese and fed it to me as my eyes were still blinded by the material. I was seated up in my bed eating and watching the Price is Right when Jacques walked in. We exchanged greeting and he sat next to me. All three of us were in the room and my sister who was flying in was on her way. The doctor walked in and addressed me. He asked if they could please excuse us and I said,
“No it’s okay doc, they are my family.”
Tasha squeezed my hand. The doctor said
“Mr Jerome, I’m sorry to say this but there is significant damage to your eyes. The MRI just showed that the repeated trauma to that target position had done more damage. Sadly, you may never see out of those eyes anymore. I’m sorry.”
The doctor stopped talking and asked us to let him know if we needed anything else. I was already in tears. He turned around and left the room. As he left, I felt Jacques and Tasha embrace me on the bed with big hugs. I was now crying heavily. I had prayed that things would get better after the last time. This was definitely not it.
I was never going to see the basketball championships, watch someone get pulled over or watch the opening ceremony of the Olympics. It was going to be steady darkness. I kicked my head back and heard the sounds as all three of us cried on the hospital bed.
I asked myself before what would happen if the lights went out. I guess I finally had the clear opportunity to find out. My vision in life was drowned out. I felt a new set of tears flow down my cheeks as I cried out a soft but heavy
The lights were out. I had to redefine myself and who I was going to be and how my life would be. My whole life basically changed in a day. This was going to be a difficult life change that I didn’t know what it would look like. I wasn’t sure but I surely was surely about to find out. I had people that loved me that much even though they had messed up and that was at least one thing I didn’t have to cry about. We had been physically and emotionally bruised and battered in this journey. Broken relationships, broken dreams, tattered hopes, darkened worlds and there I was scarred and now leaning on the same people that contributed to the wounds to help me heal. Funny how life works sometimes, people hurt us and we forgive them and then task them with the project of helping us rebuild again. This was going to be hard. My whole world seemed black; I put my hand around Tasha’s head and pulled her close. A fresh set of tears flowed out my eyes.
“There is a saying that the ant that eats/kills the plant is actually on the plant to begin with.
Well something like that. Over time, we go into relationships and situations that have outcomes that would eventually blindside us and cause us to be hurt. In this series, there’s forgiveness but there’s loyalty, a lack of communication, deciet, lies, pain and love. The relationships we have provide a perfect balance with all those things or at least so we hope right. I’m not asking you go and confess all your sins today but I’m asking you to watch how you wield the blade. You are immersed in the lives of certain people and your actions matter. I used the blindness of Jerome as a metaphor for scarring people for life, from those that break hearts to those that collect them; you can leave a long lasting scar. One that might never heal or even one that you might never be able to help heal. Do good and give good.
You cannot control what others do unless you’re a magician or you’ve got your voodoo master on Facetime, but you can control what YOU do.
The positive energy you give off, the honesty, loyalty, dedication, forgiveness, patience, open communication, the LOVE.
Be good to those that love you today because trust me, you don’t want to be the reason they cry out “Why”.
Be a bright light and shining spot in their lives. Never be the reason, the lights go out.
Give me feedback. How did this make you feel? Talk to me about Scarred 4 or the series. COMMENT!!!
I thought Jae had missed the awkward exchange between us but apparently she hadn’t.
“Do you guys know each other?”
She said with a smile on her face clearly oblivious to what was happening or so I thought. With both of us shaking our heads, I responded
“No, we don’t. She looks familiar though”
It was a lie. A clear one that I think Jae must have seen through but I couldn’t have risked the truth at that moment.
She giggled and said to Nia
“Marcel knows just about everyone, it’s actually quite stressful.”
I knew she was only teasing but a part of me felt like she said that particular sentence to reach out for a slip up. I stood firm and smiled back. Nia looked at my father in disgust and then at me, she excused herself and walked out. My eyes had followed her as she walked out. When she was out of sight, I turned back around and caught the glare from Jae. She sensed something.
There had been something off about me since I returned from the hospital. I had been trying to keep it under wraps hoping that Jae wouldn’t find out about it. I was still in shock, replaying the face I saw at the hospital over and over. It really was her and I could not believe it. I did not know what to do and my father, the man who never thought any problem was unsolvable, admitted we had a problem. I was confused and powerless.
I remember sitting at my dining table alone thinking,
“I thought she moved?” “I thought she lived in a different state” “How did she get so far up in the same town and I never noticed her?”
I had to talk to her. I just had to.
Jae was scheduled to be discharged after observation that day. Due to the many times we had lost babies, we had agreed that she needed to have a therapist. Dr Yeung had been working with her for about a year now and I felt he was a sort of calming influence for her. Jae respected him and valued his help. My bank account respected the importance of the need, so it never complained.
I got to the hospital in the late afternoon after leaving work early that day. I walked in and headed to Jae’s floor. Her appointment with Dr. Yeung was scheduled to end at 5pm, so I had about 45 minutes to find Nia and talk to her. I asked for her at the floor’s receptionist desk and they called and asked for her to come down. I sat impatiently in the lobby waiting for her. I was nervous and unsure about how this was all going to go down. A few minutes later, I heard her arrive next to me.
She wore glasses now but back in the day, she didn’t. She slowly took them off and asked,
“What do you want?”
I picked up on the hint of disgust and resentment in her voice. I slowly stood up and in a lowered voice, I asked,
“Can we please speak in private?”
She rolled her eyes and sighed.
She responded as she led me towards an open hospital room down a few doors down. She walked in before me and I walked in and closed the door behind us. I stood there and she had this expecting look on her face to urge me to start talking. I took a deep breath in and began to speak;
“Nia, I don’t even know where to start. It’s been so long and I don’t know what happened between us after that night. I had so much to explain. One moment we were something and the next we were gone….”
She cut me out mid statement and said,
“Look Marcel, you look like you have done well for yourself and that’s great but after what you and your family put me through back then, I don’t want to have anything to do with you. And I have nothing to say to you. I will be as professional as possible with your wife but I do not want to speak to you. So if you would excuse me, I have patients to attend to”
She stormed out of the room and slammed the door shut. My biggest fear had been realized. This encounter had gone sour and now she was mad at me. Nia from back then held grudges and that obviously hadn’t changed. I deserved every bit of it though; I had messed up back then big time. And I obviously hadn’t been forgiven. It’s not only the sins of the father’s that live on after them, sometimes it’s the sins of the man himself that will haunt him.
My heart sunk into my stomach and a cloud of darkness seemed to cover the room. I took a deep breath and opened the door, walking into the bright lights in the hospital hallways.
I entered Jae’s hospital room and Nia was already there. Jae still unassuming to my understanding, Nia was talking to her about ways to continue to take care of herself. Jae was already on a strict diet and on a bunch of pills to support the process and the help with the constant blood loss she had. Dr Yeung said his goodbyes, shook my hand and walked out. Nia finished up as Jae who was sitting at the foot of the bed, thanked her and got up. We walked out together, Nia walking behind us. We stepped outside the room, headed to the left and down the hall. I turned around and caught a glimpse of Nia standing in the hallway behind us. She had a look of sadness in her eyes. She quickly turned around with her head bowed. I was sure I had hurt that woman.
. . . . . .
Lust or Love – Tay
It had been two weeks since the hospital and I hadn’t been able to shake the thought of Nia out of my head. This particular day I was in my office, it was a Saturday when the rest of my staff was gone. The way I was, whenever I had something not work related weighing on my mind, I would immerse myself in work till it was all I thought about. I just couldn’t leave the room to think about other things that continued to depress and confuse. I had left many texts on Nia’s phone, a number I had illegally retrieved online. There were no replies.
I turned my chair around deep in thought, papers all over my conference table with a jug of water I had been drinking from. It was full when I walked in, now almost empty. I stared out the window into the hills. The day was beautiful outside but my heart; covered in darkness.
I met Nia in my freshman year of college in one of my sociology classes. It was filled with girls but she stood out to me. She was smart, witty and she had an amazing sense of humor. I gradually moved seats as class sessions went by until I was seated close enough to her. I would eventually talk to her and even had the final group project with her which we obviously smashed out the park. We rocked together. We were both young and new to it all. Enjoying the experience with her was fun.
When I decided to pledge, she thought it would be a good idea to join a fraternity with connections post-graduation to set me up in the future. She was a little disappointed when I ended up picking what was notoriously known to be a party house.
Nia and I weren’t together officially at the time I found I was going to be accepted to join the fraternity. Part of the pledging process was that I had to come up with money to throw a huge summer party and by the end of the night; I had to have sex with a girl on the bed they gave me on top of the fraternity’s custom made sheets. It seemed fairly simple and straightforward, my father was well to do and I had Nia. We had been having sex for about a month and feelings were already there, it was just a matter of the right time to make it official.
The night of the pledging, they blindfolded all of us. They drove us to a spot approximately 12 minutes away from campus to a causeway. We got out of the cars and the blind folds were lifted. We were directed to use some big rocks on the ground to write out the name of our fraternity. It was noticeable from the freeway next by. We then returned downtown in the city where our school was located. We tagged some buildings with graffiti and then headed back to the house.
It was around midnight and people were beginning to fill up the house. I headed to my room and showered. I came down about 30 minutes later and Nia showed up soon after. After the step show, chanting and the speech by the “brother” (the head of our fraternity) welcoming us all, the party was on. Drinks were everywhere, drugs were everywhere, girls were everywhere and sex floated in the air. About an hour later, Nia and I were high and drunk, her a bit more than I. We headed towards my room. A high five from one of my fellow pledges and we were soon on my bed. I was fondling her, nervously kissing her and laughing midway through.
I cupped her breasts in my hands and squeezed while my mouth searched her body. I was nervous and naïve. I didn’t even wonder if they were recording the whole thing. The sex was average at best. I don’t know if it was because we were under the influence but it was done in mere minutes. Not two, a prime number greater than five and less than 11.
I got up and stumbled to the bathroom to take off the condom. I had this weird check I performed back then with condoms to ensure they never broke. I would fill them with water and squeeze the water around it. Think water balloons. I was going to make sure I wasn’t at risk of anything. This particular one wasn’t leaking.
It must have been when the water was running that they came but the sight I came out of the bathroom to would later haunt me for a long time.
I returned from the bathroom and noticed two of my frat brothers on the bed. One was kissing on Nia and the other playing with her privates. I was taken aback. I couldn’t believe it.
One of the head “brothers” came up to me after obviously noticing the shock and confusion on my face. He put his arm around me and said,
“This is not a problem… right? We all share here. We are all brothers”
I wanted to fit in so bad and that night I made the most cowardly decision I have ever made as a man. As one of the guys wanted to violate Nia with his privates, the “brother” still standing next to me with his hand on my shoulder said,
“This shouldn’t be that bad. She’ll enjoy it. He’s good. After all, she isn’t your girl right?”
There was a window right there for me to stop this all. I looked up at him, it was as if my answer had to be perfect. I looked down and said nothing, just shook my head conveying “no”.
Nia was under the influence but I knew she could feel things and she knew it wasn’t right but she couldn’t fight back. There I was, worried about the wrong things. Vain things and I was hurting the woman that I cared about. That wasn’t me, it was the man I was becoming and I had to stop that guy but I didn’t quickly enough.
They made me stand there and watch the whole thing. I stood there and fought back tears. Nia was turning and would make out a period to keep her eyes open to look at me. It was a begging look. Pleading with me to make it stop but I did nothing. I just watched. I watched just to fit in. I let my morals slip away.
When it was over, a short but damaging 16 minutes, another set of brothers came in and cleaned Nia up. It seemed like they had been used to this. It felt like a cleanup to prevent the drugged girl from knowing what had happened. The rest of the night was a horrible blur. I never heard from Nia again. She dropped out of the school shortly after and I heard she moved out of the country about two months later. The other cowardly thing I did was not attempt to find her before she left. She wasn’t staying at her parents but I should have still tried harder.
The sins of a man. This secret had me trapped for years. I never thought it would surface and now it was breaking my heart. The things that happened that night to me and to Nia had weighed so much on my current life and I didn’t know it.
National Sexual Assault Hotline – 1.800.656.HOPE
“A bystander to evil that does nothing is just as responsible for the evil. Do something. Speak up”
I thought to myself as I came back from my memories and my cell phone buzzed again. It was Jae. I wiped the tears off my face, cleared my throat and answered.
. . . . .
Jae was outside my office building. She had returned from her wedding and decided to surprise me. This was the worst day that this could have happened.
I straightened myself out and headed for the front door. Letting her in, I gave her a hug as she gripped me tight. Her red covered lips planted a huge kiss on my lips. She looked amazing. She was a wearing a white and black stripped dress, knee length, with pink pumps and her blue clutch. I was pretty sure a few years back, I would have feasted her up before she left the house looking that good.
“How’s the work going my hardworking superman?”
She smiled as she sat on the conference table.
“It’s going baby. How was the wedding?”
“Oh the wedding was fine but forget the wedding. I had an idea while I was waiting outside. We haven’t had sex at this new office since your company moved some years back. I want you to fuck me all over this table”
This was the freaky Jae talking. She was going for it.
She seemed very up for great sex at the moment but I was worried in my head that I would not be able to get my member up.
There was just something about her in heels. I scanned down at her legs and I somehow got turned on. My member slowly began to rise. She leaned back and pulled her dress up, revealing her dark blue lace panties. I knew it was about to go down. She spread her legs, licked her fingers and slowly moved them from her mouth to her lips down south.
“Are you going to take them off or…?”
She snapped the lining of her underwear. I reached in, still seated and pulled off her panties. Wet.
I licked my lips and looked up at her. She had this look of anticipation, waiting for my warm tongue to touch her wet pussy.
This was crazy! But it was happening and anyone that has ever had sex at their workplace would tell you the same. Well you should never tell anyone that before your ass gets fired. Back to #WhatTheHeckMan series…
I leaned in and French kissed her lips. They kissed back. Wet, they covered my lips with their juices. My tongue went searching inside their cabin and my beard was now getting covered in her showers. Her back was arched all the way; her braids hitting the table. She scratched the table looking for a grip. Nothing.
I absolutely enjoyed feasting on her body. My left fingers still playing with her right nipple as my tongue paced back and forth on her clit. I stuck two fingers into her. It was hot in there. My fingers as they worked in and out like an oil rig shaft continued to get covered in wetness.
I was ready and about to get up when she rose and pushed me down. She got on her knees and took me into her mouth. There was something about the way she sucked on the rod, working both her lips and hands at the same time. It was perfection.
She made it wet. Nasty wet.
Slobbering all over it. Spit covered, my member throbbed hard. I was clutching the handles on the seats trying to maintain composure as best as I could. She was getting me close and I wasn’t afraid either. I wanted to get this first one out of the way, so we could enjoy the rest of the party together.
I placed my right hand on her head, holding it down as I neared that climax. It was going to be a full load, I could feel it in my balls.
“Yess… Yess… Arghhhh!!!”
I let out the grunts as I shot my load into the back wall of her wanting mouth. She swallowed.
Licked her lips and got up. She pulled my chair that had been moved back while I came close to the desk, she turned around and before my member had time to drop its head and go sad she got it happy and slid on it. It was so warm in there!
I could feel my shaft throbbing as she worked her way up and down. She was moaning loudly. There was just something about this encounter. She wanted this bad!
She placed her hands on her head and she bounced up and down on my dick. I held her at her waist to help guide her along. I could tell she was nearing her climax. I got up, without pulling out of her, bent her over the desk and gripped her waist really tightly.
My thrusts were harder, you could almost say angrier. I was hitting it hard. In and out. Her moans were now many times louder and here we were in my office, windows open and asses hanging out.
“Cum for me dadddyyy… Shooot that shit inside me!”
Thrust. Thrust. Thrust.
“Oh shit!. Oh shit”
Was mostly what she was saying and then it happened. The full load.
All inside her, I clutched her waist really close and empty my barrel into her warm wetness. She turned around with the biggest smile on her face. Half of it was surprise at the fact that we just did that at my place of work and the other half was that it was amazing.
She leaned into me and kissed me on the cheek and then whispered in my ear while grabbing my shaft and rolled my balls in her hands,
“He should get ready for round two when we get home”
I smiled. It was on.
Because of her, I had forgotten about all my other problems. It felt great to just have her. She led the way out as I watched her sway from left to right while I armed the building’s alarm system. She always looked like a Queen. Part two was definitely going to happen.
. . . . . .
Our lives had finally settled down after the last miscarriage or so it seemed. I had begun to worry less about Nia. I was resigned to the fact that I just might not have been able to fix that. And she barely told me much so what was I even trying to fix?
I pulled into the drive way that evening and there was a car parked in my parking spot next to my wife’s car. I was a bit irritated because it meant that I had to park my car on the street and I would have to come back outside to move it again before the garbage trucks came by in the morning. I was tired.
I stepped out of the car and headed for the rear of the car. The trunk was already opened; I reached for laptop bag and grabbed my running shoes with my index and thumb fingers on my left hand. Using the base of my left hand, I closed the trunk and headed towards the house. I arrived at the door and struggled to let myself in with all the things in my hands. I eventually got in.
The second living area was the first thing you saw when you walked into our house and then her kitchen, after turning the corner, you then had a clear sight towards the main living room in the house with most of the bedrooms upstairs. I could hear Jae talking to someone but couldn’t really make out who it was and I really didn’t care. I just wanted to hit the shower, eat some dinner and knock out.
I let out my usual phrase when Jae didn’t physically see me when I came home. Coming around the corner, headed for the living room, I said,
“Hey mama, I’m home”
I turned into the living room. I stopped in my tracks. My brain went into overdrive. The television was on; food network. There were glasses of water on the coffee table on top of coasters like Jae always wanted. The perfectly lit and spaced room suddenly felt smaller. I could feel my heart playing catch up with the rest of my body. I felt like I was going to faint. I hated being blindsided, I still do. I noticed her handbag leaning on the couch next to her. I noticed her blue pumps, crossed over each other. My eyes were picking up on everything as they searched for answers. My eyes had torn the whole room about apart but I had not moved a single inch. And then Jae broke the silence. She stood up and almost fighting back tears, she said,
“You’re a rapist?! You raped her?!!”
The tears started to flow. My heart began to shatter into tiny little pieces. I could feel them drop onto the floor with all the tension in the air and silence in the room. I wasn’t exactly sure what to say. I know I needed to say something but nothing came out.
I was in shock… Double shock! I was still holding it together until Jae said these next words which snatched out my heart and crushed it.
“You are a sick bastard and I never want to have anything to do with you.”
Nia had gotten up at this point; bag in hand and was ready to leave. Jae walked her towards the door and a few minutes out. I was glued to the spot; literally. So many questions raced through my head and I struggled to find answers. It felt like a movie or a very bad prank that was perfectly executed. I finally was able to move. My mouth was dry, heart racing and palms sweaty.
I tried to make sense of it all. I tried to find the words, all that came to mind was….
Help me say it!!!!!!!!!!, #WhatTheHeckMan!!!!!
Come back for the concluding Part 4 next week. It promises to be epic. Trust me! Leave me a comment….
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A Huge Birthday Shout to my biggest fan and motivator F.M.S, you are truly everything. Thank you for the push to start #WhatTheHeckMan. We are truly grateful. Enjoy!
⟹ ⟹ ⟹ PLAY THE SONG BEFORE READING. START THE SONG FIRST AND PLAY ALL THE SONGS
Afire Love by Ed Sheeran
We lay there backs to each other. Something wanted me to reach over but I couldn’t. This was becoming our story. This was becoming what we were identified with. But this situation only made us one thing; better actors to fit into the society because when we were out, all we had to do was put on a smile and make the whole world think that everything was fine in the Davidson home.
I could feel the sleep coming over me and I wanted to turn around and tell her I love her. I wanted to turn around and plant a kiss on her lips like I had done many times from our fornicating days till when we decided to get married. I wanted to go back to the old us. I really did.
It was about 8:30am in the morning when I woke up, she was already up. I could hear some movements in the kitchen and her space in the bed was empty. She was either doing the dishes from the dinner she made the night before or just cleaning up like she normally did.
I got up and turned around, reached for my phone. Flipped it over and looked at my emails, messages and texts. I placed the phone down.
I got up and sluggishly made my way into the bathroom. I caught a glimpse of my boner as I walked past the mirror and my small brain wanted me to put that to work. But no, that wasn’t going to happen.
Standing over the toilet bowl, I began to pee. I realized about halfway through that I forgot to lift up the toilet seat. I knew how much she hated that, she was soo going to lose it. But I finished, turned around, cut a piece of paper towel and threw it into the bowl. I washed my hands then walked out and went to the kitchen.
“Good morning baby…”
She responded in her ever so polite and quiet voice. There was something missing; the smile, the spark. Our pain had taken all of that from her. Now she settled for mere days of happiness. I asked of her plans and she said she had none except seeing her sister and stopping at the bank.
“Dinner at Sophie’s tonight?”
“I’ll let you know later. Is that okay?”
I nodded and took a sip of my coffee.
Tax season was over so I was home more and traveling less. I had been traveling a lot recently, not because I didn’t love her or want to be home but because I felt like things were changing between us and I wasn’t ready for that and tax season is the busiest time for an accountant.
I headed back to my room and walked by the room. Untouched and hardly opened. I remembered last night when she had snapped at me. I was disappointed and sad because I knew that the fight against the pain that was tearing us apart was winning and we were giving in.
I stood in front of the room and looked at the closed door. Everything in that room was vividly registered in my mind. I knew where every detail was. I stood in the doorway of our bedroom and she came into the hallway and saw me standing there.
Tears began to flow down her eyes and I turned away and walked into our bedroom without doing anything. Sad, I know but it was where we were now. Love used to reside in our home. Used to. Now we were cuddled in the arms of heartbreak and unhappiness and it was like home.
. . . . . .
It was my junior year in college and I was in a fraternity, working at a coffee shop and making up community service hours at the local library affiliated with my school down the street from campus.
That beautiful Friday morning I was restocking the books we had received overnight into their respective positions and I happened to glance at the door when a local day program for autistic kids came into the building to use our community playroom. Their program assistant was just beautiful. Like you could tell from afar that she had a great heart. I just wanted to get to know her instantly.
I stood off in between two shelves and watched her care for and direct the kids. It was so heartwarming. I must have been staring for about 20 minutes when my co-worker came up behind me and said,
“Are you going to talk to her or just stare like a creep?”
I joked and blew it off like she wasn’t my type or anything but she really was. She was the perfect foil to me; crazy and loud at the same time. She would bring so much calm and focus to my life but not until after she made me work to even get her attention.
The first time I ever talked to her, was just bad. I messed up so much. I used to think I had game but my own tongue humbled me. I had never seen it so tied and twisted as it was that day.
Towards the end of my shift, I got radioed to come and clean up a mess a kid made in the playroom her group of kids were using that day. I walked into the room with my broom and mop heading straight for the spilled bag of hot Cheetos on the floor. I wasn’t angry that it had been spilled on the floor, in fact I was more upset that I had to do that “dirty job” in front of her.
I made the mistake of being myself instead of trying to impress her by rushing to sweep it all off the ground, the crackers crumbled under the broom and further stained the carpet. Confused, I jumped down to the ground and tried to use my brush to scrub it all off and I was doing okay until, I got up and realized my blue jeans were covered in yellow cheese from the knees downwards. Wet cheese.
I looked down at my pants with the kids laughing at me and I looked up at her, she had a smile on her face; a little one. I don’t know where the words came from but in my embarrassment, I coughed up,
“What are you looking at that’s funny?”
and rushed out of the room. I noticed the smile on her face disappear and turn to surprise as I turned the corner of the tempered glass window and walked away.
I played that incident in my head many times and wished I could take it all back and re-do it. I felt I could have been smoother than I was that day. Ugh! I hated myself. It didn’t help that she would then travel for the entire summer to London for a wedding and studying abroad. I was so angry I didn’t get a second shot. But after all, they say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression or at least something along those lines.
A few months had passed and I was running through campus one evening when I noticed her sitting down reading on the field. I was taken aback and immediately approached her. This chance was not passing me by. I came up to her and tried to chat her up but I walked away from that conversation shut down.
I remember starting with,
“Hey, how’s it going? My name is Marcel. What are you reading there?”
She responded with,
“Impact of Vicarious Trauma on Social Workers”
Obviously having no idea on what she was talking about, I tried to play it off and continued the conversation,
“Oh, that must be from the Sociology class about social problems, right?”
She looked at me, smiled with pity and said,
“No. but if you don’t mind, I have to finish this chapter”
Like a dog with its tail between my legs, I walked away till I got far enough and started running. I didn’t want to start running after I left her because I was so surprised at the exchange. I felt so little that it felt like I would have tripped over my own feet if I’d attempted to run.
I could not understand why she would not give me a chance to chat her up or get to know her. I was guessing she knew I was part of a fraternity and maybe she didn’t like them or something. I was confused and intrigued. And she never even gave me her name.
I would later run into her and her best friend one day. I immediately began chatting up her friend as a way to not get blown off. Her friend liked me. It was working. And then I invited them to a party the guys at the house were throwing.
We had been throwing parties for a while. I was always in charge of the food and at the time I was neighbors with Chad, the guy in charge of the guest list; he decided who came and who wasn’t invited. I knew that I wanted her to be there, so I walked into his room one evening and asked him that I wanted her to get a special invite for the next party.
The way our crew rolled on campus each party was unique in the way we promoted or even themed it. There was a schedule for how we threw parties; one in March, July and one usually in late September or early October. Whether, she knew it or not, she was coming. Speaking with Chad, the invites for this party were Masquerade masks. If one got delivered to you by one of the freshman pledges, you were in.
I specifically wanted to invite her to this party, so I had Chad give me her specific invite along with that of her best friend. I walked into her Sociology class during lecture and walked straight to her seat. I stood in front of her and dropped it on her desk. With a smile on my face, I said,
“Party is on Saturday, you’re the special guest. It won’t be epic without you. Don’t let everyone else down”
and began to walk away. I turned around right at the door to a startled professor and an embarrassed smile on her beautiful face. I knew I got her; I just knew it.
A few days had gone by and I had still not heard anything from her. It was crazy how I went from being extremely confident to beginning to doubt myself. I wondered why she didn’t respond and what that meant.
“Did she think I was obnoxious?”
“Full of it?”
“Too out there?”
I wasn’t sure and the silence was making it so much harder for me to think straight. I needed to see her. I needed an answer.
. . . . . .
The party was halfway through and it was about midnight. I had not heard from her or her friend and I still kept looking out for her hoping she would show up. A few rounds of beer pong, spin the bottle and a couple hits off the rotating blunt out on the porch. I was starting to forget about the disappointment of her not coming that I was actually starting to have fun.
And then backing the door, I was talking to a friend and I heard my name. It was her voice. It was her gentle voice. Funny to say gentle because it was deeper than most women but it always seemed to soothe my heart and comfort my ears. I turned around and there she was; beautiful.
She had her hair up in brown braids. She was wearing a blue blouse with brown shorts and some heels. I swear I just wanted to take a bite off her smooth cheeks as she smiled at me.
I began with sporting a huge smile on my face
“Where is your friend?”
She responded while pointing to the corner of the house.
“Well thank you for coming. I’m glad you could make it”
I yelled over all the blasting music.
She nodded and pulled me in close and yelled into my ears
“For that stunt you pulled, you owe me dinner. My pick and I’d like a drink, please…”
I pulled back from her as she shoed me away like a little child.
I smiled and turned around. She was hooked. She was mine.
Our initial few months were different from the norm. The honeymoon phase came months later into us knowing each other. We used to argue over the pettiest shit and for no actual reason except that we were both stubborn and no one wanted to cede control or get hurt. It was ruining us from building anything solid. And we knew it too.
Months would pass by and we would begin to understand each other better. Since we began to get serious my biggest issue with her was probably that whenever it got seriously bad with us or we were in a rough patch, she would pack up and be so eager to leave the relationship. Instead of rolling up her sleeves, taking the reins like she first did when I tried to woo her and impacted the relationship. She always wanted to go. It made me feel extremely inadequate and like I could not love her right. She barely complimented me and even if she did, it was always twisted to not highlight me in some way. I felt powerless whenever we argued because it would always be turned into how much I was needy, selfish and inconsiderate.
But she had a way, oh she had a way to make me happy; possibly the happiest man in the world.
It was the way she smiled, the way she talked, the way she snored. The way she looked into my eyes and drank all my bottles of water whenever she came to visit. Even the way she said, “what you ma call it?” or her obsession with Indian movies; she endeared herself in my heart.
Those were the reasons why I loved her so deeply. She motivated me to be a better man everyday.
She curbed my wild ways and helped me understand what it truly meant to love and be selfless. Out of nowhere, this woman captivated my heart and I was completely fine with it.
One night, we had been going through a rough period and walking on eggs shells, it was frustrating. A few days prior, I had accidentally hit her in the middle of trying to de-escalate an argument we were having. She knew it was an accident but she was still holding on to it much to my irritation and frustration.
This evening, I could not remember what was said, I believe it had something to do with a post I put up on Facebook. Usually something I wrote or posted to some girl. She didn’t like it and she called to confront me about it. I blatantly told her it was not about her even though I was pissed off at her for another matter. She became angry and attempted to blow me off that night. I wasn’t having it.
I got up and put my clothes on. It was past midnight. I got into my car and headed for her house. About a few minutes away, I texted her saying I was on my way and I wanted her to come down stairs but we were both only allowed two sentences each.
I got there and a few minutes later, she was in the passengers seat. No words exchanged.
Nishike by Sauti Sol
We drove to a quiet and dark empty parking lot and I parked the car. Motioning to her, we hopped in the back seat of the car. I pulled her in close and said nothing. Just holding her tight. I knew she needed to be held. She was stubborn but she was my baby. She was my Queen. I kissed her gently as I stroked her shoulder. She looked at me like she felt safe. I hadn’t done enough of that lately. Making her feel safe. I was caught up in all I wanted and how I wanted it that I would sometimes run right over her feelings and lead us into another fight before realizing what was happening. I felt bad because I didn’t want her to be frustrated or fed up. I was madly in love with her.
I motioned to her that I wanted to make love and not have sex with her. Important difference. She said okay. She actually used up her two sentences very quickly in attempting to convince me to say more words. I didn’t budge.
I laid her down and slowly took off her clothes. Kissing her softness along the way. There was something about loving this woman, it was easy. Even through all the things we had been through, there was no one else I would rather love. I took off her panties and lowered myself on her pink. It was a very direct approach. I slurped my tongue into her wet pink and slowly began to suck on her clit. It was warm, even hotter when I allowed my tongue to go inside of her to feel her walls. Both her hands were on my head directing it along the tracks. I was getting my beard covered in her wetness and it felt good. I didn’t spend too much time down there, I came up. For a brief moment, I stopped and looked into her eyes. I just could not imagine being any other place but in the back of this car with her. I hated the car, my blue Nissan Sentra that was starting to fall apart but I loved her and I loved the space we occupied. It was all I needed.
I could feel her breathing pick up pace as I lowered my member into her. Slow thrusts until my entire shaft was covered in her wetness. I held her close with my right hand behind her back for support and my left hand on the fogged window. It was hot, steamy and sweaty. The thrusts were not fast; deep but not fast. Controlled and gently paced, I could hear her moans travel through my ears and into the empty parking lot as it sailed and faded before reaching the residential homes behind us. I could feel her wetness begin to touch my balls as they gently slammed into her. Deeper and deeper, I ploughed. She dug her hands into my ass and squeezed tight pushing my hard package into her. Her right leg placed on the back of the passenger seat, her sandal had fallen while that on the other leg stayed high along with the leg on the back seat. My name was not mentioned but I could hear her loud and clear. I could feel a reconnection between us. I could feel her heartbeat on my chest as her right fingers dug into my back. It was not a matter of how much I loved her but more of how much I was connected to her. The pace never changed. It was like our body parts carried the message of the heart through each other. We held on to each other, tight. It was the safest place.
I remember we finished and lay there on top of each other. Looking out of my moon roof, talking about our journey. It was beyond a doubt that I wanted to be with this woman. I lay there and wandered if there was anything that could break us without us letting it. She was my one true love. She was my only love. I had so many names for her to ensure that she remembered she ruled my heart.
On my chest she laid, peacefully and slowly starting to fall asleep like I was and then it happened, in the dark of the empty parking lot, it happened.
We heard a knock on the glass.
It was the police and we were both naked…
I was confident that he was going to write us a ticket for indecent exposure or something but he asked for our ID’s and checked them.
Returning the cards back to us as we had rushed to put our clothes on
“It’s not safe out here”
We thanked our stars and rushed into the car. I drove slowly to her house whilst holding her hand. I glanced over a few times to her and still said nothing. I pulled up in front of her apartment. She stepped out and I did too. I walked around the car and hugged her. Wrapping her in my arms, I whispered in her ears my only two sentences
“I love you, mami”
She pulled back and looked up at me from her 5’5 place, into my eyes she searched as if to validate the apology. I leaned in and kissed her. I was sorry and she knew it. I hugged her tighter and let go to walk to my car.
She yelled into the night as I drove off. I had the biggest smile on my face. I was in love. I knew I was in love with that woman. My heart was hers.
. . . . . . .
Those were the memories we shared. That man and that woman had disappeared; gone. We had changed. Life had changed us and we had no means of making it stop.
It had been a long and draining day and I just wanted to go home and relax. I was pulling into the driveway when I remembered that we were supposed to be having dinner with Sophie and her family.
I was too tired but I was willing to do it for her. I just wanted to go to bed but I walked into the house. She was sitting down on the floor. She didn’t even acknowledge my entrance.
“Jae, how are you?”
Silence. She said nothing and took another sip from her glass. It was filled with win and there were not just one but two bottles sitting next to her.
“You’re not going to answer me? How much have you had to drink?”
I began to get angry.
I knew this. I knew this mood. I knew what this meant. This usually happened when she had been thinking a lot and wanted to get out of her head. But it wasn’t always civilized. Sometimes she would get stupid drunk and attack me emotionally with words and sometime physically.
I walked closer to her and bent down to pick up one of the bottles.
“Put it down!”
She snarled at me as she charged up at me. She stumbled as she found her feet. It was empty and she was drunk.
“Calm down baby”
I tried to lead her to the couch.
“No! No! Nooooo!!! Don’t tell me to calm ,… down..sShhh. That’s how you’ll go and marry someone else! No! Not happening! Put a fucking baby in me Marcel!!!!”
I was already at my limit; tired and frustrated. I didn’t know when I snapped back and said
“I did! 3 times already! Not my fault they never stayed!”
I looked at her. Her eyes cleared. There was a deafening silence as her heart shattered. I knew I had messed up as the words left my mouth. Fuck!
Without saying a word, she headed for the bedroom. I turned around and picked up my briefcase and my coat. I walked out of the house and into my car.
About 30minutes later, I was letting myself into my room. I sat on the perfectly laid bed and stared at the in house menu. I had no appetite but I knew I had to eat as I hadn’t all day. I reached for the phone and placed my order. Dropping the phone, I sat back on the bed and stared at the fridge while my mind raced.
“How did I get here? How did I become this guy?”
I thought to myself and then I was covered in anger and disappointment. I got up and emptied the mini bar in my fridge into my system. I was now buzzed. I was heading to my bed to lay down when I heard a knock on the door. I stopped in my tracks and stared at the door for a bit while my body tried to stay still.
I made my way to the door and slowly opened it. It was Cynthia.
“What took you so long?”
She asked as she pushed me into the room. She came up close to me and gently whispered.
“Did you miss me?”
I said yes as I lay on the bed and she climbed on me…. I placed my hands on her catching a short view of my wedding ring… Sigh.
It all got hot, really hot, really fast.
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⟹ ⟹ ⟹ PLAY THE SONG BEFORE READING. START THE SONG FIRST.
One by Ed Sheeran
It had been a couple of hours of trying to make sense of the entire thing when Sam showed up with some food. I was still angry and confused but Sam had one rule, no matter what was going on, I still had to eat. She had stopped by her house and brought some rice, smoked turkey and some “aya mase” stew. The plantain was part of the accompanying party; even death could not make me play with that. Looking frustrated like a kid who did not want to eat their vegetables, she forced me to eat. About 20 minutes later my nostrils were blazing, heat burning through my stomach and I was still angry.
“Okay, now tell me what happened. Again”
She said in her usual calm voice.
“Can you believe that bastard? My useless uncle Dele, impregnated my mother and then killed her!”
I raged out of the blocks.
“He did it! I know he did it!”
I continued physically showing signs of aggravation and anger as I clenched my fists together.
“Look at the papers”
I pointed at the sheets lying on the bed.
“She was transferring monies to him for God knows what and he was also in town the day she went for her appointment at the doctors. Why?! What was he doing there? And then he goes with them on vacation and then all of a sudden, they turn up dead and they are fine?!
No Sam! He did it!”
“Are you sure baby? That sounds like a lot to accuse someone of babe.”
Sam began with. I knew it was going to annoy me. A frown came across my face as she spoke.
“Why don’t you let the detective know what you have found and then let him do his job and find out the truth”
She was such a voice of reason for me but it was so annoying that she was telling me what I needed to hear and not what I wanted. Ugh!
“But…. I know….”
She placed her hand over my lip and walked me slowly backwards to the bed.
“Come and get some rest my king, it has been an intense and long day. You need some rest”
I gently sat on the bed as she kissed my still burning lips.
I lay on my back thinking about everything. She lay next to me. Her head on the right side of my chest; I ran my hand down her hair. I was still confused but she made sense. She was the only thing in my life that made sense.
. . . . . .
I slowly turned over and stretched out my body. I rolled within the sheets for a bit. Twisting and turning, my mind trying to ignore the reality of time that awaited me outside my closed eyes.
I stopped turning and lay still, my eyes still closed, I could hear the clock ticking outside my heart…
“Tick…. Tick… Tick”
In the focus of that I realized that I was alone in bed. I had fallen asleep with Sam firmly draining the blood out of my right arm as her decent sized head camped on it all through the night. I had watched her sleep with her mouth slightly ajar and her drooling out. She was a beautiful woman, even in her sleep but her drooling was something I still marveled at. Even “perfect” beings have
I had been in my thoughts for roughly about 5 minutes and I finally decided to open my eyes. I opened my eyes and the sunbeams invited themselves into my room and onto my face. It was warm. I turned around and to my back on the left side of my bed; I glanced at the alarm clock. Set 15 minutes ahead of what the actual time was, it read 12:18pm.
I muttered as I ran my hand over my head. I had clearly over slept. Oh well, I got up and grabbed my phone. A few people had texted me. Sam also texted to wish me a good morning and asked me to call her to update her later;
“Good morning my love, I am writing this message standing over you right now. Not like crazy eyes from OITNB but with watchful loving eyes. I just planted soft kisses all over your handsome bearded face. You look like a warrior that just won a grueling battle or when you’ve passed out from me sucking your dick dry after you’ve cum. Lol. Okay, okay sorry I brought that up. Olowo ori mi, I just want you to know that no matter what you decide to do, I’ll be by you 200% as always. Don’t forget that. Please call me when you wake up or after you speak to the detective. I love you mucho mucho grande. If you wake up in time, I made some eggs, they are covered in the microwave. I know how much you hate stale or cold food. Make sure you eat, or you’ll catch these hands!”
I smiled and sat up. Damn, I had slept for a cool minute or more like hours. I had been so tired. Work and life had managed to drain me out. I needed all that sleep after an emotionally draining day. I pulled up my phone and dialed his number; detective. Sigh.
The conversation was very similar to the one I had with Sam. He listened while I blabbed and then he said,
“I will be in Dallas tomorrow afternoon. We have some leads on our end too and I have some action to take care of over there.”
“I will be there too.”
I said, beginning to head for my computer to book the next flight. I was ready to go down there and witness the evil man that murdered my parents go down.
I hung up the phone and texted Sam about the plans. I was going to take the next 5 days off. She only needed to take off 1 working day as it was already Thursday. She responded with a simple,
Rushed packing and close to a thousand dollars later; tickets booked. We were leaving that night. I called up my supervisor and told her I had a family emergency to attend to out of state and I would be gone. I packed up all the letters and papers on the floor and dumped them into a garbage bag. I packed the full garbage bag into a suitcase of it’s own and continued packing. It was almost 8pm and we had a 10:05pm flight to catch. I hated being late so you can imagine how I felt sitting in front of my condo leaning on my car and Sam still hadn’t shown up.
I was texting on my phone when Sam pulled up.
“Baby, I’m sooooooo sorry. It was my best friend that held me up, that’s why I’m late.”
I rolled my eyes and sternly said,
I only ever called her by her “Nigerian” name when she had done something really bad.
She looked up at me and didn’t respond. She had those eyes, those “forgive me right now I’m a baby girl eyes”. I couldn’t help it.
“Just enter the car and let’s go!”
I had checked in online and all I really needed to do was drop off my car at the airport-parking garage.
The check-in process was smooth. It was about 10:11pm when I glanced at my watch sitting on the window seat of the plane. I hated looking out the window while flying, it made me want to throw up but I also loved watching the takeoff and landing. That’s why I religiously picked that seat for all my flights. Minutes later we were taking off and I looked out the window, I must have stared too long as I began to have motion sickness. I closed the window and leaned back in my seat. I glanced at Samantha who was already reading an article for work. I reached for my wallet and looked at the picture of my parents to ensure that I had it in there. A deep sadness covered my heart. I took in a deep breath and sighed heavily; I was going to fight for the justice in whatever way I had to.
The heat hit me as we walked out of the DFW airport. I was tired but ready to go. These next few days would be eye opening and I had to be ready. We were sitting down outside the airport waiting for my cousin to come and pick us up. It just seemed like everyone wanted to make me wait that day. It had been 30 minutes and no sign of her, so I called up her phone. She answered at the second ring and told me that she wasn’t the one coming to get us. I was still trying to figure it all out when Sam drew my attention to a car that pulled up behind me. I turned around and thought to myself,
“What the heck man?!”
“What was he doing here? Was he trying to die?!”
Sam, knowing how my temper can fly off the handle sometimes, immediately walked up to me and placed her hands around me.
“Calm down and talk baby she continued to say”
I was heated and ready to pop off. This man killed my parents and then thought it was okay to come here? Is he mad?
I finally spoke…
“I am not getting in that car”
I said to my uncle, now standing out of the car. He looked at me calmly and said,
“Femi, the police department already called and spoke to me to today. I know what you think and how you feel but I would not have come here if I was guilty. Please sit in the car and let me explain and I will tell you all that I know. If after that you still want to leave, that is fine.”
I shook my head in disapproval and he continued to talk. Sam finally said, in a whispering voice,
“Just hear him out babe, we can even leave our bags outside the car”
Sigh. She just always made sense. We left our bags next to the car, curbside to the airport door and sat in the car. I sat in the front and Sam in the back directly behind me.
“Femi, I know you know about your mom and I.”
My uncle started and then he continued on to say,
“But I want you to know that I would have never killed her. I loved her and truly wanted to care for her and out baby.”
I felt like he thought this was meant to make me feel better but it actually served to annoy me. Sam placed her right hand on my shoulder and slowly rubbed it in a motion to calm me down.
My uncle continued;
“I don’t have all the answers but that woman was carrying my child and to me, that meant something so I would never harm her or your father in that way. “
He then went on to say something that resonated with me and changed the direction of my thought; a Yoruba proverb from our homeland;
“Kokoro ton je efo, idi efo lo wa”
Which essentially means,
“The enemy/root of your problems are closer than you think”
Then he asked,
“Would you be staying with us at the house tonight or do you have hotel reservations somewhere?”
Sam responded from the back seat,
“Uncle we’ll stay at the house”
He started the car and began driving. I said nothing; staring out the windshield my brain was running in all different kinds of ways. I was now more confused than ever. What did he mean? What was going on? What the bloody fuck was going on?!
. . . . . .
Shots on Shots | Ice Prince and Sarkodie
Our bodies were off by a few hours but we woke up around 1pm after getting home that morning from the airport at about 6am. I had spent most of those hours lying in what used to be my room and staring out the window trying to understand what my uncle meant. Sam had woken up in the middle of the night and left the room for a period of time. I thought I might have been snoring or something, it made no sense to me at the time.
I hadn’t taken a shower when my uncle called out for me to come downstairs. Walking down the stairs to the living room, Sam closely behind me, I noticed Det. Rosen sitting on the couch. He stood up and shook my hand. I sat down across from my uncle with the detective to my left side.
He began talking;
“We have been investigating what was originally ruled as an accident but was actually the murder or your relations. Some of the evidence we gathered has led us to believe that we have a few more questions to ask. The evidence on ground shows that someone in your room (he pointed towards my uncle) during the vacation used their key card to leave the room during the middle of the night before the incident. So at this point, we are here to take you and your wife in for further questioning and continue to investigate the case”
My uncle looked on ahead; flat and unmoved like he saw all this coming and in many ways, he did. All my uncle said as the detective placed him under arrest was,
“Femi, find the truth.”
I was standing with Sam holding on to my left arm looking really sad. As the detective walked my uncle to the second living room, towards the main door. We heard the key, someone opening the door from the other side. It was my aunt.
“What is going on here?”
She asked with a confused look on her face. I began to try to explain and then she put her hand up as it to shut me up.
“Officer, you have the wrong person”
She said as dropped her bags on the floor and sat upright, her back up against the wall.
“I did it.”
Those were the first words out of her mouth in her seated position. I was shocked. Just like everyone in the room.She then went on a long confessional where everyone stopped and was silent in awe and disbelief.
“I am tired of all the lies and the sneaking around and playing dumb. Dele, I knew you were sleeping with my sister a full year before she died. After all we went through Dele, everything! My own sister?! Chai! Chai! Chai! Dele!!! There is God o.
Anyway, all those “research trips” you were taking out to Dallas when we still lived in California. I knew it was to sleep with her. And you left me with your kids. I was crushed. And my sister had always taken from me since we were kids. She always got all the men, all the boys that I liked, she had them because they thought she was prettier. She rejected one guy that wanted her and then he came to me. Of course I fell for him. I did everything for him. And then I got pregnant… 23 and pregnant. I could not keep the baby because I knew our father would kill me. So I devised a plan. It had come to my attention from one of my sister’s ex friends that she had damaged her womb and could not have children. So I suggested that she and I should run to the US from Nigeria and I would have the baby and give it to her. So she could call it her own…”
She paused as she was getting teary eyed. Everyone was still glued in their standing positions.
“Your “father”, her husband, never knew. She planned that part well and he always thought you were his. Femi, you are that child. You are my son…”
Those words cut through me. I felt like I was stabbed in my gut. There was no way. I felt winded and took a step back to reaffirm my stance. “What The FUCK MANNNN?”
She continued as my uncle’s face remained covered in calm. He knew all of this. My mother had told him.
“Femi, I brought you into this world and gave you to my sister because at the time, I knew I could not raise a son. I just couldn’t. And I knew she needed a child. I did that for my sister. I gave her the greatest gift one could; life. And she selfishly took away my happiness. Taking money from our business and giving it to the worthless piece of shit called a man here (she pointed at my uncle). I had silently watched the two of them play everyone like fools without saying anything but I couldn’t take it anymore. The night in Hawaii, we were drinking and I offered her something and she said no. She and my husband left the pool side for a while and I knew what they were off doing. I don’t know what came over me that night when I went and tampered with the brakes. I really didn’t want to kill them. I just wanted her to be scared off him from the trauma of a minor accident. The next morning when Dele tried to go and join them to go sightseeing, I stopped him because of the risk. He knew nothing at the time; only if anything.
My sister took from me after all I had given her. She was always taking from me. I had to take some power back. I am sorry I hurt her. I am sorry I hurt you. I am so sorry…”
She was now wailing, streams of tears rushed down her cheeks. The detective took the hand cuffs off my uncle and began reading the Miranda rights to my aunt as he began to cuff her. She didn’t fight back. She was sobbing and silent.
I was now in full flow of tears. Trying to process it all, I had my hands on my knees in a bent position and then I looked up and said,
“Did you know she was pregnant?”
My aunt’s eyes grew bigger and now she began to wail and cry.
“She was finally going to have one of her own and you took that away from her. The woman that raised me and an innocent man, you killed. You are evil and I never hope to see you again, I hope you rot and die behind bars. I will never forgive you!“
She was in full tears and really sobbing when she began to yell out,
“My stomach… My stomach…”
“She is lying!”
I yelled out as confusion broke out. The detective trying to make out the situation and my uncle attempting to help her, they both looked at me to help and I stepped back even further. I was not going to save her.
“You’re a doctor, aren’t you? You took an oath…”
The detective yelled out as they lay my aunt on the ground. I pointed to my uncle and told him to call 911. I held her head up and figured she was having a reaction to something in her stomach. I stabilized her as I heard the sirens of the ambulance. I stood up and walked away from her body as she was carried away and the detective followed. He asked Sam and my uncle to help and they headed to the hospital.
What just happened? I thought to myself. My mother had just confessed to killing the woman I had called mother all these years. I had been living a lie. I was the product of deceit. I was feeling crushed inside. And she had just been carried out for something that looked like a poison reaction. What was happening? My mind flashed and pieced it together. Sam!
She was in the medical field and would know the “right” compounds to fix or throw together to create something that could hurt my aunt. Shit!
I was sitting next to my aunt’s items and noticed her water bottle for her Herbalife smoothies. I opened it and sniffed it. I was right. It smelled of chemicals. The kind you would only spot if you were in the medical field.
“Why did Sam do this?”
“I’m the doctor though. When they pump her stomach and test it, they will think it was me and I have all the motive”
Fuck! I wanted to run but what was the point.
The house was empty and I felt just like I did on the evening of my parent’s funeral, only now I was alone. The feeling truly caught up to me. Tears streamed down my eyes for over a full hour. Why didn’t Sam stay with me? It made no sense.I heard a knock on the door. I looked up at the door and didn’t respond.Another knock and then the door opened. It was the detective and I had an idea of why he was there.
“Mr Femi Rilwan, you are under arrest for the attempted murder of…”
his voice tailed off as the tears slowly rolled down my face as he placed the handcuffs behind my back. I wasn’t even hearing what he was saying even though I knew he was talking. There was a hollow depth in my heart as my heart rate slowed dramatically. He walked me out of the house towards his waiting car. Opening the door, he bent my head as I sat in the back seat, I thought to myself. Through the web of lies, deceit, infidelity and pain that all the people involved went through with me, I never truly understood what it felt like to be a “home”. There I was in the back of the cop car in front of my own parent’s home; trapped in my own hands and this time for real, I had absolutely no one. And I could be going down for something I didn’t do. The detective was walking around the car when Sam walked up to him. She stood very close to him and said something. Something I still do not know till this day.
She walked around the car and he opened the door. She stretched out her hand and held my chin in her hand.
I stepped out the car and he removed the cuffs from my hand. I gave Sam a big hug and whispered to her.
“I love you.”
She didn’t respond. She just clutched me tighter as tears streamed down her eyes. He gently shook the cuffs in his hands. I looked down at his hands. Sigh.
Say it with me y’all…. “What The Heck Man!!!!!”
Fin! Wait! Wait! Wait! Hold on to that feeling and let me know how you felt about this series Empty. I’d love to know.
Also, NO ONE got the actual story I wanted to start running on the poll from next week but most wanted Secrets so much…. Sooooooo… I will be releasing Secrets Part 1, next Saturday. In the meantime, please listen to a preview if what to expect. And like always, please let me know what you think!
Fuck You by @adewus4real
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⟹ ⟹ ⟹ PLAY THE SONG BEFORE READING. START THE SONG FIRST.
Money on My Mind (Unplugged) – Sam Smith
I sat there with a confused look on my face trying to understand what was happening.
I read the letter over again. Same outcome; shock
Many thoughts were racing through my head from the fact that she wrote me a letter instead of calling me to the idea that I grew up in that home and I truly did not want to lose it. Why was she making such decisions with the heir to the estate?
My parents had willed their businesses to me; my father’s was in the process of being sold and my mother’s was jointly owned by her sister. The house while not willed to me, was meant to be sold and half the money given to me and half from the sale reinvested into my mother’s business. This was changing the plan and I was not comfortable with that.
I picked up my phone and dialed my aunt’s number. Midway through, I realized that she might have been at work and I probably wouldn’t have answered. The phone was on it’s 4th ring when someone on the other end picked up, it was my aunt.
“Good afternoon aunty”
I said trying to contain my evident frustration.
“Femi ba wo ni?”
She responded as she asked about my well being
“I was just calling to let you know I got your letter and I was wondering what it was about”
My disgust has somewhat seeped into my tone now
“Oh your uncle and I have had the house on the market since your parents passed but have gotten very little responses back. I just figured we should move in here instead of paying two mortgages and trying to sell ours instead”
She explained going on
“We’ll put our house on the market and then move to Dallas. Home sales in California are easier at the moment and then we’ll buy this one outright”
Some form of calm began to set into my breathing
“Oh okay, I responded. Well, that makes sense then but someone should have told me aunty. I was just here wondering what was going on. Being far away doesn’t make it easy to stay on top of things”
I explained trying to claw my way back from extreme irritation. She understood, I think but it seemed as she felt like I only thought she had money on her mind and not doing it for the best interest of me, the family and the company. The plan actually made some sense because sales in California were actually on the rise but not so much in Dallas. I was skeptical about doing the sale of the home to family but my mother and my aunt had been in business for many years without complain on either side. I reserved my fear and somewhat allowed some hope to take over. This might actually work I repeatedly preached to myself. It had to work.
. . . . . .
It was a blessing to have Samantha in my life through losing my parents and the house fiasco. She was continuously such a rock for me and I was extremely grateful. I remember how we both had to break into her new apartment because she had forgotten her keys on the kitchen sink inside. Breaking and entering your own property. That was the kind of stuff Sam and I go into.
It was the evening of her house warming party. My body was still sore from the move a few days prior. She had so much shit. Way too many clothes and shoes, I could not believe someone was allowed to have that many shoes. She had enough shoes for the entire cast of Happy Feet African edition. I was just proud of her as I scoped the place one last time as I walked up the stairs and turned the corner.
There she was getting ready for her house warming party. Standing in front of the mirror with all her makeup scattered all over the sink. She stood there with her round butt cheeks hanging out of her black lace panties. I stood behind her wanting to devour her. She wouldn’t let me.
Before she put her lip stick on, I came up behind her and stood on her right side. Moving her hair out of the way, I gently placed my soft lips on her neck while I placed my hands on her waist. She knew what I was trying to do but did little to fight back. I continued kissing down her neck to the front of her chest. I turned and stood in front of her now backing the mirror, I pulled her in closer and wrapped my hand around her tighter. I was now kissing the front of her neck with her head kicked back. She was biting her lip while clutching one of her makeup brushes in her hand to ensure it didn’t stand my white shirt. I placed my large right hand on her left butt cheek and squeezed it tight while sliding my index finger over her clit in an attempt to get her wet quicker. She smiled and slowly pulled back
“People are here back and the rest will be here soooooon”
She moaned as I continued to kiss her
“I don’t care.”
I responded with authority.
“Babe, babe…. Babeee… stoop. They’ll be here soon. I promise once everyone leaves. I’m all yours.”
I let go of her and sat back on the sink looking dejected like a kid who was just told he won’t be seeing Santa that year. Every guy knows that moment when your woman clearly can give it to you but she decides against it. Soooo annoying!
I walked out of there shrugging like I didn’t care. She pulled me back and planted a wet kiss on my lips and then pushed me out with a smile on her face saying
“Stop being a spoiled brat!”
I smiled again like a little kid just finally allowed into the circle and walked out.
Good Kisser – Usher
Friends and some of her family began to arrive shortly after and the party was taking off. I held my spot by the sound system and kept the music coming. There were Hors D’oeuvres, some rice as you know Africans must always have at their gatherings and a couple of giant tubs of ice cream. Alcohol was constantly flowing the entire night as I watched Sam weave her way through a happy crowd as she gave tour after tour of her new place. It had been rumored around the office that the hospital we worked at, had tabled an offer to her but she was already some way into the transition to working at another hospital. I was glad.
Samantha was so good at everything that she did, that she definitely deserved to be given the opportunity that she was getting to spearhead the new child development research unit alongside one of the finest child psychologists around. She would dictate her hours and her pay was very handsome. The possibility of us having different schedules that enabled us to spend more time together was very attractive to us. It was at this stage of our relationship that it became clear to me that Samantha really valued me when she asked for my in depth opinion regarding the switch. Should she stay put where she was loved and known or embark on ground breaking worth that would be rewarding for years to come? I couldn’t be more proud of her as I watched her finish up another tour of the “den” area in her new place. She smiled as she caught me staring at her from the corner of my eyes. I got butterflies when I looked at her. She truly was magical. Her chocolate skin with her beautiful soft lips and her big bold eyes, I just wanted to cradle and squeeze her at every chance I got.
The “den” was big. She called it a “den” but I would eventually convince her to start calling it the “hut”. Sam in her thoughtfulness had turned it into my area of the house because she realized how much I was still dealing with the recent sale of my home. Some of my childhood pictures hung up on the wall and there was a big flat screen TV in there to watch my sports games. I swear, how could you not love a woman like that?
“Hey dj, can you play my song?”
I heard someone say in a sexy voice as their tongue licked my ear. Startled, I looked down at the 5’6 person and there Sam was. Clutching on to me with her hands around my mid riff, I could tell she was a bit buzzed.
I smiled and said
“Babe, you good?”
“I’m fine baby”
She responded swaying her head and smiling back at me as if to convince me. She was clearly starting to get drunk and I knew her horny side was soon come to fore. She slid her right hand down and grabbed my package in her hand. Looking around to make sure nobody was watching, I smiled and pushed her hand away
“I want you. Now.”
was all she said. I knew what I had to do next. I raised my hand up and motioned to my friend Nana, the black wonder from Ghana to come and take over the dj-ing duties. Sam and I waved our way through the dancing people in her living room and made our way into the bathroom. I lifted her up and sat her on the sink. Sliding her dress up, I began to kiss her hard. I had been made to wait hours and I wanted her right then. I was about to start taking off her underwear when we heard a knock on the door.
I cursed under my breath.
I thought to myself as I stood in the corner and Sam opened the door to find out who it was. It was Miriam her best friend. I rolled my eyes as Sam tried her best to quickly dispose of her best friend who was just was even more under the influence than we were. Sam turned around to look at me sitting on the sink with an irritated look on my face. She immediately went into her “turn off” mode. It was the one where if I was being to aggressive, pushy for sex or said the wrong thing, Sam would fold into her shell and begin to act upset and then eventually, no sex for my horny ass.
I wasn’t about to let that happen this time, I pulled her close. Tight. I lifted her up and sat her on me with her knees on the sink, I pulled up her dress and parted her panties. Sticking my index finger quickly into her soaking wetness, she had no time to respond. I began to work it inside her. There was a certain level of pleasure I loved to get Sam to when we had sex and I was trying to beat that today. I was in for a shocker though. I continued kissing her as she moaned into my mouth. She was getting louder and louder as my finger got deeper. I slapped on the handle for the faucet and turned it on. Water running and the music blasting, I hoped it would be enough to drown out her moans. On to her fresh carpets she pulled me as we both made our way down. She didn’t want my tongue to feast on her; she just wanted my hard member inside of her. I rushed to pull off my pants as she looked up to me patiently and waited for me to enter into her. I lowered myself while positioning my now rock hard package as it slid into her. With a slow thrust, I allowed her flowing juices engulf my throbbing dick as I felt the heat from her insides warm me up. I clutched her left breast and squeezed as I began to slide in and out of her quicker. She moaned and looked at me like in amazement. There was something about drunken sex for her. It just took her to another level. She placed both her hands on my butt and squeezed pushing for me to thrust deeper into the realms of her gut. I continued as her juices flowed out and covered my balls as they dangled back and forth. This had to be a quick one. We had guests to attend to but the way Sam was holding on to me, I sensed she wanted more and was not going to let me only give her a quickie.
I was beginning to think of ways to pull out of her without her knowing but Sam knew me. She knew how I liked it when she dug her nails deep into my back. She knew how moaning my name
“Femi.. femi.. femi….”
Which translates to “marry me” evoked emotions beyond words in me. I did not know when I continued to thrust deeper. Watching her face, with her mouth wide open and no words coming out, she gasped and moaned with every thrust. I was struggling to not explode inside of her because I knew she wanted more but it was hard. It was wet. So wet. Slippery and hot. Tight. Hot. Did mention, wet? It was dripping. She was dripping. I was dripping covered in sweat and I there I was with the safety ofbirth control behind me, I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I began to cum inside of her with the ugliest facial expressions a man could have. I spurted out my seed as I looked like an man being electrocuted. I hated that face. That cum face but she loved it. I stood up and aimed to clean up. Sam sat up still on the floor and turned me towards her, grabbing my package she stroked it and put it in her mouth. Now there are only few men in the world and I mean very few who can admit that a woman sucking his dick right after ejaculation is not one of the most sensual and embarrassing things that could happen to him. We all begin to squirm like a black person in water for the first time. I had this look of shock on my face. No she was not doing what I thought she was doing. I pushed her off me slowly as I could not take the pleasure coursing through my back. She looked upset as we both put our clothes on. The rest of the party was a blast and we ended up in bed next to each other that night as tired as we were. It was success. Sam was my success.
. . . . .
Something felt off that week. The days were long. I was feeling very edgy and high on caffeine. I did not want to be at work or anywhere around work and it felt like a lot to take in and to compound the problem; I hadn’t seen Sam in a whole week.
I was frustrated. I was sitting in the break room at a little past midnight texting Sam. I can’t remember what she was saying at that time but it was sounding super sexy to me and I was getting turned on. I made sure not to tell her though as she talked. I gently placed my right hand under my scrubs and stroked my shaft that was now rising faster than gas prices. Sam and I hadn’t had sex in almost 3 weeks. Busy schedules coupled with her monthly visitor coming and a short trip to visit her sister, all disrupted “love and care” for me. I asked her to send me some naked pictures so I could take care of something’s on my end. She obliged and agreed that I had been patient enough lately and deserved some. So I waited and about an hour later, I still had not received anything. I was not horny, sexually frustrated and irritated. I was watching a documentary on some new innovative treatment the FDA just approved a few months back on the television and then she texted back saying something along the lines of her changing her mind. I can’t exactly remember how but I immediately snapped and sent a series of extremely mean messages back to her. It was like venting but way meaner. She said nothing back besides “good night”
When I placed my phone back down, I knew I was fucked. I should never have gone off on her. I tucked away phone and slumped in my chair. I had gone from zero to sixty in mere minutes. What was wrong with me? I knew nothing was going to stop her from being mad at me that night, so I went back to work and tried as much as possible to keep her out of my head. That was pretty much impossible. My week had just gone from crappy to extremely useless. I continued to blame myself while I sent her a “good morning” text the next morning. She didn’t respond. I sent 24 unreplied messages to her with no response. I knew I pushed it this time so I planned to stop by her house the next day which was at this point, now two days later.
I arrived at about noon and walked up to the door. I was unlocked and the TV was on. Strange.
I looked down to my right by the pile of shoes and noticed a pair of men’s shoes that looked freshly taken off. I began to walk into the space. I was hearing voices but nothing from the living room. My heart was beginning to race now.
“Was Sam ignoring me the whole day to be with someone else?”
I gathered that the sounds were coming from her bedroom upstairs. I began to make my way up nervously. I was extremely terrified. At the top of the stairs lay men’s underwear and a black blouse. I placed my had over my mouth as I got closer. I was trembling. I placed my hand on the door and in one swoop took a deep breath while saying a prayer to God. I pushed open the door and froze. I couldn’t not believe my eyes, I was stunned and weak in the knees.
“How could this have happened?”
I tried to find the words to speak but nothing came out and then rage consumed me. I slammed the door shut and bolted down the stairs.
“How could they do this?”
I am ALMOST at my 100th comment on this blog. Big deal since many don’t like to give comments lol buuuuuttt I will be GIVING A SPECIAL PREVIEW to the 100th person to comment on my blog #WhatTheHeckMan. You will get to read Empty 3 before it gets posted next week. Sooooooo… COMMENT AWAY!!!!
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⟹ ⟹ ⟹ PLAY THE SONG BEFORE READING. START THE SONG FIRST.
Stay With Me – Sam Smith
The morning dew elevated off the ground. People standing next to me as I looked up into the sunlight beaming straight on to my face. Down I placed my head; I was standing here in the midst of people… Present but alone.
I could hear their wails as my thoughts prevented them from settling in my head. Tears rolling down my cheeks emerged from behind my sunglasses; I stood there motionless and broken.
They lowered it in and the shovel was handed to me, I stood with it in my right hand. The contrast clear as I stood in my black tailored suit and the shovel in my hand forcing me to look like a construction worker. I tightened my grip and placed my left hand on the shovel and in a digging motion; I dumped the first piece of dirt into the hole. A few minuteslater, final words were said and everyone walked away. People tapping on my shoulders expressing their sadness and condolences; I was glued in my spot.
It was only a matter of minutes and I was all-alone with flowers at the foot of the headstones and my thoughts. A fresh set of tears began to flow down my cheeks once more. I had just placed both best friends in the ground. My entire support system was gone. Both my parents had just been placed in a grave and buried. It is always hoped that the children will bury their parents but never expected at such a young age. I was inconsolable, broken and empty. My world was gone.
. . . . .
There were refreshments for the guests back at my parent’s house. I remember walking in and people still trying to console me. I headed straight for my room upstairs. Stopping by my parent’s room, I took one more look as some of their things had now been stuffed into boxes. I stood there waiting for them to walk in right behind me but they never came. Alone with a house filled with people, my heart ached and I turned back into my room.
My room was completely empty except for the blazer I wore the day before on the bed and my packed bags on the floor. I sat there in the corner of the room with my bags next to me. The room was empty and I just needed to feel present. It felt like I was still in shock. I had gotten the call from my uncle that my parents had been in a ghastly car accident while on vacation in Hawaii. I rushed down from my post in Florida where I was just finishing up my medical program. I had begged them to come on vacation to Miami and they refused. I really just wanted them to be with me. I had just finished a busy work cycle and I could have shown them around and more but they decided it was the Island they wanted to visit.
I played every scenario in my head trying to figure out if I could have been more persuasive and more aggressive in my appeals. I wanted to have one more moment with them. I held my father’s graduation cap in my hand as I sat on the floor remembering why I even went into medical school to begin with. I remember my father being diagnosed with prostate cancer years ago and his fight against it and the toll it took on him and our family. He came out on top but had various scares and I remember as a young lad in college wanting to be there for my family in anyway; medical or otherwise. Now they were gone. And I didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye.
I was snapped out of my thoughts by my uncle who knocked on the door.
“Who is it?”
I said wiping my tears away from my face.
“It’s your uncle Dele”
“Come in uncle”
I responded as I cleared my throat.
He came in and sat on the bed next to me and began with,
“My sincerest condolences Femi, I am truly sorry for your loss and that of this family. To lose them has really shaken us. I hope you are okay and I just wanted you to know that we love you and will support you in whatever way possible.”
“Thank you uncle.I appreciate it”
I said shaking his hand and standing to my feet. I picked my bags up and placed my jacket over my left forearm. Walking out of the room behind my uncle and scanning the house once more as I walked out. I was leaving behind my childhood and youth. My sadness could not have been put into words but it was evident that I was lonely.
Uncle Dele’s wife, my mom’s younger sister, came up to me and gave me a big hug whispering in my ear to always call and keep in touch. I did not hug her back. I did not trust her. It was still unexplained to me that my parents were on a vacation with them and it was only my parents that were involved in a suspicious accident. I felt like she had a hand in it. I didn’t know yet but I was going to find out especially as she was joint owners with my mother in her ceramics company. I walked to my car and placed my bags in the trunk. As I walked around the car, I scanned the neighborhood I grew up in. I sat in the driver’s seat and looked at my boarding pass. I had a flight to catch and I still had to return this rental car. DFW to FLL it read, I wanted to leave now. I was leaving behind my life; my parents were never going to see me build my own home.
. . . . . .
Give Me Love – Ed Sheeran
It had been 7 months since my parent’s funeral and I still had no answers as to what I wanted to do with my life and myself. I was functioning at about 65% of happiness. Many nights feeling alone and lost. In the blink of an eye, life had orphaned me. I couldn’t speak to anything to change my state. I pushed myself to brink by pulling myself away from the world. Alone in my room I would on cry many nights wishing there was a way I could get them back, even if it was for a few minutes but I got nothing.
Samantha and I had been dating for a few months, she was in many ways part of my recovery package. She made me feel whole. Sam as I called her, was one of the interns in the hospital and I met her when I was helping out another department during one of those late night shifts. She was patient and loved what I was and what I stood for. It was the little things she did that made me feel loved. Like when she cooked for me or showed particular attention to my drawings that I did for fun. Whenever I felt down and I wanted to hide or push her away, she would get stronger and stand her ground and be my backbone. I was falling harder and harder for this girl even though I was trying to do everything to push her away. I did not want to love and then be left hurt. I wasn’t going to love and then be abandoned or let life take someone I loved again.
Due to the long hours I worked at the hospital, the best time and only free time I had almost always seemed to clash with the time that Sam was working. Most of our dates were in scrubs and grabbing dinners from the hospital deli. But being close to her caused us to get to know each other better faster. I was attracted to her resilience in ensuring that I did not remain depressed. She never called me needy or showed that my hurt overwhelmed her. She sat there and really just wanted to work magic in my life, she was magic. I remember one evening about 3 months into dating her, she texted me that she was in the break room and she wanted to have sex right then!
It was the spontaneity that she exuded that caused me to be continuously drawn to her. I just wanted to be around her. I was wrapping up with a client when the text came through. I quickly glanced at it and prepared to dash out of the room. Ms Jacobs laughed one more time holding on to my forearm as she prepared to be discharged. I really just wanted to be out of there like I had places to be. I signed the final paperwork with the nurse and darted out. I remember somebody trying to stop me for something in the lobby by the nurses’ desk. I ran right past them, heading for the elevator door. I stood in front of it impatiently waiting for it to climb the four floors from the ground up. I had two more floors to go up to. Pressing it, it opened up and an older man, a patient stood right in front of me with a face guard on probably to protect himself from something. As we know, hospitals can be infectious too. I hopped in the elevator and asked,
“Up or down?”
He pointed up. Pressing the sixth floor, the door slowly closed and I looked at myself from top to bottom making sure that I looked okay andwasn’t covered in some odd liquid or something. At the sixth floor I hopped out, smiled at the man and turned around heading for the break room. I just needed to get through because my body could no longer contain the excitement and the pressure that was rising between my legs. I arrived at the break room and found that the door was locked as per our plan. Samantha had locked the door to prevent anybody else from coming in. As it was a shared break room if anyone had come in, we would have been stuck. Getting someone out of the break room was so much harder, so it was better to have the door closed. She opened the door and I let myself in closing the door behind me.
“How are you doing baby?”
I asked without giving her time to talk. I snatched her up off the ground and carried her, pinning her against the wall with her legs in my hands. I looked at her and scanned her chest downwards and planted a kiss on her lips. It was absolutely quiet and the only noise heard was that of our lips smacking on each other. I didn’t want to hear anything else or see anybody else. I could feel the stethoscope around my neck searching for my heightening pulse or my heartbeat I should say. It was throbbing as my body geared for the things it wanted to do. I pulled off her lab coat; dropping it to the floor it revealed her scrubs. We looked pretty much identical in what we were wearing even though I was a doctor and she was only interning. I wanted to rip her scrubs but I knew she had to walk out of the room. So I slowly asked her to remove her shirt, which she did whilst hanging mid-air in my arms. Her breasts emerged; looking like the perfect set I just wanted a piece of it. Immediately I began to work my tongue on the corner of the bra searching for her nipples. She began to moan. I wasn’t even where I wanted to be yet and she was already moaning. Down south, all I could remember was my hard package rising harder between my legs and all I wanted to do was stick it inside. I wanted to stick it deep inside her. I wanted her to feel it in her gut. I wanted her to feel every detail of every inch of my member inside her. All my body wanted to do was connect with hers. I wanted to drive her wild and I was going to do it in that room. I walked her over to the couch in the break room and sat her down on it. In the same swift motion, I pulled her pants down while she removed my stethoscope. I was semi dressed and only in my pants with my hard member erect and pointing at her. She placed her right hand on it and licked her lips. A smile on her face as if to say,
“I can’t wait for this to be inside of me”
She continued to stroke it. I dropped back to my knees and parted her legs. I could see her starting to drip slowly. I licked my lips and she slightly shook. Going down I placed my tongue on her pink. It was wet and I was hungry. Without warning my tongue began to flicker in this crazy zigzag motion from left to right. Slow to begin with and then picking up the pace. I could see her with her hands wide apart grabbing onto the material of the couch. Her knees snapped back and forth as her toes curled. She tried to force her legs to close, clamping my head between her legs. It became a struggle to breathe but I was going to lick every bit of juice from her, till I got every single drop. Looking at me while I glanced up at her, she seemed to look at me with this look of injustice; as if I did something that she didn’t want me to do when in actual fact she wanted me to do it but didn’t know it would be of that much pleasure. I was having the time of my life. Making the woman I was falling for go “crazy” was just perfect. I could not imagine that feeling being given to her by someone else.
So there I was parting her lower lips with my tongue and sticking it inside her. It seemed to awaken something because at that point, she would not let me continue to feast on her with my tongue because now she wanted me to stick my now super hard and waiting package deep inside her tight wetness. So I straightened up gently and on my knees, I slowly slid into her. Wet. Slippery. Soaking. Hot. Tight. Wet. For a quick second, I had to contain myself because every guy would agree with me that going in too fast can mess up your entire routine. You then find yourself looking like a minute man; all because you went in too fast, into what is an amazing area of a woman’s body. Kneeling up straight, I positioned myself and took a deep breath and began to pace. Sliding in and out, in and out. On my hairless chest she dug her fingers in, starting to want to scream. The pleasure of the motions with the risk of getting caught drove her over the edge and she became wetter driving so much more excitement through both of us. It was daring, dangerous and fucking hot. It defined our relationship in some regards. We could do it anywhere, anytime and anyhow (ask the staff at the local Subway). This was the woman I could do anything with. All we needed was to make the right eye contact and let our bodies talk and no matter where we were, on a plane, in a train or even behind a drain or in that hospital break room; we made magic.
Refocusing my mind and looking down at her, she ran her right hand across my face, cleaning up the rest of her juices smeared on my chin stuck on my beard and took it into her mouth and licked it. Argh! I felt chills down my spine that travelled all the way to the tip of my member deep inside her. I almost wanted to explode right then but I held it together clinching my butt cheeks together. The pace began to pick up and I turned her over to my favorite position. On her fours pulling her hair, she turned looking back at me as if to beg me to take it easy but I knew that language.
“Take it easy” to me meant “fuck me harder till I cry and make sure I cum on your dick”
I continued my detailed efforts to ensure that all pleasure was given to her and I was not going to explode early. At one point, I had to distract my mind and think about something else because her wetness was so hot, I had to ensure that early ejaculation was off the table. Her wetness gripped me tight with every inch feeling the hot walls deep inside of her. I grabbed hold of her waist with my right hand, pulling her hair back with my left she got louder and moaned,
“babyplease fuck me harder I’m about to cum on your dick”
Thrusting, my balls continued to slam on her clit and then craziest thing happened. There was a knock on the door.
“Who the hell could that be?”
I asked quietly and what were they doing there?
My member still throbbing inside her while she stayed on her fours. We stayed still and panicked wondering if the person had the key to the room and was going to let him or herself in. I heard the person on the other side of the door say to someone down the hall,
“Oh it’s locked.Letsgo tothe other one”
I heard footsteps as they walked away and I began the motion again, sliding in and out reaching for deeper realms in her insides to ensure that we both hit our climax around the same time as soon as possible before we got caught. It was in and out, in and out with control and force. Her juices trickled down and tickled my balls. I was going insane and I knew she was too.
To speed up the process, I shifted my hands squarely on her clit and began to flicker my index finger. She slapped it out of the way and yelled,
I continued to go in and out of her and then she went silent.
Dead silent. She clamped her knees together with both my hands now on her waist. Her toes curled. Right at the moment I was about to cum, I pulled out of her and she began to drip as she came and exploded in the space between her legs on the floor. Liquids mixing on the floor, I slumped on top of her as she turned around and kissed her. We had to get going and get out of there fast. I headed for the cloth to clean up while she dashed into the break room bathroom and emerged a few minutes later. I looked at her and kissed her again. She walked out of the room first after promising to have dinner with me that Saturday night. I sat in the chair as I tried to catch my breath. That was fun. And sitting there, in that dark room my depressed mind began to take over again. Sigh.
. . . . . .
It was 5:21am and I was pouring my coffee into my cup. I was heading to work but I didn’t want to go. I had just returned about 6 hours before and here I was heading out the door again. The struggle I now faced, I worked hard to become a doctor only to slave my life away to the system. I stopped by the mailbox to pick out the mail. It was a big batch of envelopes. I packed them all and shoved them under my left arm while I headed to the hospital down the street.
The day went by relatively smooth and I was only on my third cup of coffee for the day when I sat at my desk to go through my mail. The hospital desk was now my living room. I was about midway through the mail when I noticed a hand written letter from my aunt. I carefully tore open the envelope and read through the contents inside.
I was dumbfounded and confused. The house was meant to be sold and the money given to me. What was happening? What were my aunt and uncle doing? I couldn’t understand it. Only one line stood out to me and that was,
“…. We are moving into my sister’s house”
My mouth wide open, this felt like a threat. She was trying to ruin me. Why would she do this?!
I blurted out,
“What The Heck…”
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