Picture for story purposes only. @adewus4real #WhatTheHeckMan
Nina Simone- Do I Move You
“What happens if I can’t be the man you need?” I asked.
“Do I move you?” I continued.
She turned to her right side and placed her soft left hand on my right cheek, looking searchingly into my eyes as if to make sure I believed every word she said. She started,
“Andrew, I love you and I want to be with you. I have known I have wanted you for the longest. You are what I want…”
My heart melted as I closed my eyes as she ran her hand through my freshly trimmed hair. I leaned in and planted a kiss on her lips and then another on her forehead. This is what I wanted. I had needed to feel this kind of love. The type that makes a man secure within his body and at home with his insecurities. I knew Audrey made me feel safe. The connection we had shared for years was phenomenal. In many ways I always felt like she completed me but I was never ready to admit it.
. . . . .
Everything was starting to gel and then the unthinkable happened. Audrey’s mother who had been terminally ill passed away and her father had now taken ill too. Audrey had to move back home across the country to take care of him. My support system was gone. Talking on the phone and Skype was not the same and sooner rather than later, it was hard to keep up. Working, taking care of her father and then me, it was all too much for her. I was the one that got dropped. Audrey was also dealing with her own bouts of depression and guilt in feeling like she let her parents down by globetrotting the world for her career. She never really stayed around to give back to them for all they did for her.
When I returned from the funeral, I spiraled out of control. More drinking, more smoking and hardly going into work. It was no surprise to me when I walked in one day after missing two days of work that my manager called me into his office and sat me down. He said,
“Andrew, you are one of the best brains in the business but your head hasn’t been here since the tragedy. Top management wanted me to fire you based on your performance but I’m not going to do that. Instead, I’ll report on the file that it was due to reallocation of resources. I’m doing this so you can tap into the unemployment package. I wouldn’t want you to be hung out to dry…”
I appreciated JC (my manager) for letting me know and I wasn’t that upset to be frank; I half expected it to happen. My performance had been mediocre at best. I was punching at 54%. Being dismissed should have been a wakeup call but it wasn’t. I was burning through my savings faster than I could imagine. Alcohol and meth were not cheap. Suppressing my depression was even more expensive. I just wanted to drown all the pain but sooner than I realized my account was in pain.
I knew I needed to start looking for another job but I had to get clean first, I was low. My cousin after numerous attempts finally convinced me to go to a group from recovering substance abusers. Reluctantly, this particular Tuesday, I went. It was in a shady neighborhood. The GPS decided as always to give up the ghost a few blocks down from the location so I was not entirely sure where I was going. I knew I had come this far for a reason, I needed change and more importantly, I needed help. The sun had firmly tucked itself away behind some of the tall skyscrapers far north of my location. There was a man behind me impatiently waiting for me to find my location and parking so that he could get to his appointment.
“Come on!” he yelled out of his car window.
The guy hurriedly sped off as I found a parking spot and tucked my car into it. Looking around the neighborhood, I didn’t feel comfortable with my surroundings so I moved all my belongings into the glove compartment and locked it up. Tucking my keys into my coat jacket, I scanned myself from top to bottom to make sure that I was looking well. I was already going to this place to seek help; I did not want to be showing up looking like a bum also.
I hate public recognition or attention. I thought I was going to sneak into the meeting without anyone noticing my entry. Those dreams were dashed pretty early as I entered the room. The lady running the group saw me walking in from the back of the room and smiled. Majority of the group was sitting in a circle and backing me, her smile caused them all to turn and see who it was. I kept my walking pace and found myself sitting down. I looked around the group attempting a weak smile with the few people I made eye contact with. I was slightly nervous but their warm faces made it possible to feel a bit more comfortable. The person who was talking had just finished up and the Chairperson looked at me and said;
“Hi, and welcome to Pickleweed’s support group. We normally share our struggles and a bit about ourselves but you don’t have to share anything today if you don’t want to. Once again… welcome!”
I nodded back as she gave room for a brief moment of silence as if to invite me to speak up.
“My name is Andrew” I started…
“Hi Andrew” Everyone responded in call- response fashion.
“I am here to get help and support. I feel like I have hit rock bottom and I need help…”
Everyone nodded like they knew my struggle and over the course of time, I would understand why most of the people in the room that day nodded. They knew what my journey was like; they were either into or currently traveling through theirs like I was. I spent a lot of that session just listening to other members express their issues and watched how the staff and other people in the group helped each person explore ideas on how to deal with their problems. I was shy… very shy. I just wanted to sit in the back of the room to be honest and observe which was what I did throughout most of the session.
For many weeks, I would sit like that trying to figure out when I would be able to share something or contribute. One evening, I walked in after a hectic day of looking for a job. I sat there with my head down; pondering and listening as others discussed things. I’m still not sure where I got the courage to start speaking but I there I was opening up to these people.
“My name is Andrew…”
Without waiting for response, I put my hand up in a motion to prevent them from responding.
“I have been using alcohol and methamphetamine to drown my pain since I lost my family. An unborn baby at childbirth and her mother left me a few months later…”
I stopped briefly to hold the tears, as all the emotions seemed to flow to my eyes at that moment.
“I also recently lost my job as a result of my new addiction.”
I continued, “Listening to you all for the last few months, I have come to realize why I drink and why I use meth. I feel insecure in my body and feel that my mental state needs to be altered to prevent me from having to deal with all the pain. I just wanted to share it with someone going through it, talk to people or be around people. It has certainly helped me a lot. Thank you all.”
I raised my head to make sure they all saw the sincerity in my eyes while I continued to fight back the tears. I was immensely grateful for this group. It had been a long process but I felt like I was finally on my way to getting back on the right track. I had been clean for 3months; not a single drink or single hit.
. . . . . .
My friend Helen had put me in touch with this job opening. I was skeptical because although it was in a field similar to mine, it wasn’t anything I was comfortable in but I needed work. I had burned through all my savings and sleeping on my cousin Juliet’s couch hasn’t been the most welcoming feeling for a man like myself. She was family but my pride was getting in the way. I wasn’t contributing as much as I wanted to and I felt like I was being a burden even though she never said I was and tried to make me feel as comfortable as possible.
Being the type of person that I am, I don’t know how to ask for help and hate feeling like I’m inconveniencing anyone. I think more than anything, it was the guy she was seeing that was mad at me. Since I stayed there, he had only been allowed over twice and hadn’t spent the night at all. It was interesting to watch but I couldn’t help but laugh on the inside. I kept trying to get him to realize that we weren’t competing against each other, she’s my blood… but oh well!
I was up late the night before my exam. This job had a placement exam. My proficiency on certain management theories was to be evaluated. I had been studying all night listening to music on the number one African online radio station that an old friend had put me on. There was something about African music that I really connected to. The struggles and perseverance of the legend Fela was something I could relate too. I had also heard of some “new school” guys. It was 24 hour non-stop music and I loved it. There was a chat room on the website where people just logged on and talked about everything. That was a welcome break from studying too. There was this beautiful lady that caught my eye on there. She had been up all night studying; wearing this white shirt with a big red heart across the face. I was captivated by her voice and how interested in what I was doing she seemed. She asked me questions about me and it was nice to have someone new to meet and talk to since Audrey was still upset with me. It was about 4am and a few of us were still on the chat room listening to music and studying or doing whatever else. There was an engineer working off like 5 computer screens preparing for a presentation a few hours later. It was motivating. I felt like I could do it, all these people like me; all working hard to be better. I was pumped and then out of nowhere, a random dude logged into the chat room, turned his video on and began stroking his penis on camera for the rest of us to see. Everyone squealed out in shock, he was duly blocked and reported as spam but as we all laughed it off, I knew I needed a better life. I had to get this job! The struggle life was not made for me.
. . . . . .
My first week at my new job was amazing. Everyone was very welcoming and it seemed like I was finally finding my feet. The staff that I was in charge of helped me stay grounded and together. I was pushing for great things and I knew that no matter how hard it got, the hardest part being the exam had been conquered.
My supervising manager was great. She had a welcoming smile and always seemed to go the extra mile in ensuring that I was well adjusted. We had weekly supervision meetings where we would talk about the staff that I was supervising and better ways to manage the staff. Over time we became comfortable with each other. Sharing personal information duly followed. We became what I would sometimes have called “friends”. She even invited me over to her house for a personal dinner she was hosting for some friends.
The chemistry was becoming evident with personal jokes at the office, stealing smiles and taking our lunch breaks together. I had to have the conversation with myself and ask “was I starting to like her as more than a friend?” I tried to suppress my growing feelings for her but it wasn’t working. One bright Friday afternoon she came into the office looking dressed to kill. Her sunglasses covering her beautiful brown eyes, her hair flowed to her back as she carted across the hall in her pencil skirt supported by stunning blue heels. I was talking, coming from the other end of the hallway walking towards her… we made eye contact and both flashed a sly smile. Mine was saying “Damn! You look great” and hers in response as if to say, “Yes I know”. She walked into her office and stood at her desk sorting through her mail and newspapers. Glancing up, our eyes met now as her glasses had come off. She smiled but I tried to hide. I had been staring.
I couldn’t focus throughout the day and I knew why. Sally was running through my mind. Those legs, those eyes, her lips… I found myself wanting all of her! It was about 3:30pm when she walked into my office. She shut the door behind her, closing the blinds she smiled as she walked towards me. I leaned back in my chair with a smile on my face. She came around the desk while pushing my seat back; she sat on my lap and planted her full red lips on mine. I closed my eyes as I took her in. Her lips felt like new silk sheets, my lips pursed open as her tongue searched the cavity of my mouth. My heart was racing, we were about the same age but this was my boss; my superior. She placed her right hand behind my head as she pressed her full breasts unto my chest. Leaning back I ensured that she felt comfortable as I continued to kiss her. Breaking the kiss, she leaned away from me and smiled. My lips were covered in bold red lipstick. She got up, looked at me as she straightened out her clothes. She then leaned in and whispered in my ear,
“Next time when you want something, just ask and don’t wait around till you miss out on it” and then she walked out.
I was in shock. I wasn’t sure whether I was supposed to feel violated or excited for things. I could not wait for the day to be over. I picked up a napkin and cleaned off the lipstick on my lips. Wow! I thought to myself. What was happening?
. . . . . .
I locked the door behind me as I invaded her office. This was my turn…She had woken up the sleeping giant! I walked around the desk and flipped the chair. I told her it was about to be her turn to be blown away. Down to my knees I dropped, I slid my hand up her thighs as she stayed glued in her seat. Reaching her waist, I pulled her lace panties down and flung them behind me. She lifted herself up to pull up her skirt. Spreading her legs apart, I planted kisses around the insides of her thighs working my way home. I could taste her wetness as my lips gently met her lower lips. The one way exchange of fluid as my tongue siphoned all of her juices into my mouth was driving her insane. With her legs on my shoulders and her hands on my head, I worked my way around her clit. Her hair, full and luscious was now all over the place as the pleasure coursed through her veins driving her insane. I kept working my tongue on her wetness powering it from left to right at an uncontrollable speed while my hand reached into my back pocket to pull out the condom. Not breaking a motion, I slipped it on and got up.
“It’s huge! Weren’t you going to let me taste it?” She asked looking like I cheated her out of a fine deal.
“Maybe some other time”
I replied with a smile as I stretched my hand out to her. I picked her up and bent her over the desk. Her skirt now rumpled up and firmly around her waist. With her heels on she was about 5 inches taller and perfectly placed for my hard member to explore the depths of her. I slowly slid into her tight wetness. She didn’t gasp but let out a slow welcoming moan as my manhood responded by getting a bit harder. The strokes were slow and controlled as she looked back at me. My knees felt weak. The sight of her wanting me to “own” her was a massive turn on. An element of dominating your superior was also at play. The pace picked up as she started kicking back to me… As I thrust deeper and deeper, her moans were getting louder. I was pounding harder now.
“Andy… Andy… Yesss…. Keeping doing that! Harder!!!”
She scratched the desk looking for a hold and moaned as I grabbed her waist and smacked my pelvis on her ass. Her ass was amazing. This woman was as dedicated with her work as she was with her body. I was giving it to her with precision and she was taking me as her ass rippled back to me with each thrust. The climax beckoned as she moved her left hand to play with her clit and grab my balls as I continued to pound hard. A few minutes later it was grunt after grunt as I unloaded my seed. I pulled out of her and gently took off the condom to put my clothes on. She looked at me and smiled, it was not a genuine smile. It looked cheeky but evil at the same time. I wasn’t sure why.
“That was great. We should do that again sometime…” I said.
“It was but that was a mistake. It shouldn’t have happened”
I was confused. This woman was just moaning the shit out of my name a few minutes ago and now this was a mistake? She said nothing further as I put my clothes on to leave. I was really confused and fearing for the worst. Did I just get played?
. . . . . .
The weekend was rough. I couldn’t help but think that something bad was going to happen. I tried to stay positive. I went to the gym that Saturday morning and to get some food with a friend. I took a long walk on a trail behind the house. Even the beautiful view couldn’t help me stop thinking about the smile on her when I walked out of her office. I picked up my phone and texted her on Sunday afternoon;
Me (11:38am): Hey you
Sally (2:04pm): Hey, I’m good.
(2:05pm): I’m out at the moment. I’ll text you later.
She was blowing me off. I was more freaked out than I needed to be. Why was she being like this? Was the sex awful? I thought of every reason possible but I couldn’t figure it out. I wanted to find out why right then. I was tempted in my frustration to go out and get a drink. I held it together and turned in for the night early.
The next day I arrived at work earlier than usual. I was in my office working when she walked in; she looked at me flashing me a smile and stopped to ask how my weekend was. I smiled. I was feeling a little bit better. Work continued to go smoothly and then I got an intercom call from Sally asking me to please come to her office. I felt a tingle in between my legs as this was said. I finished up the email I was working on and I walked out my office and headed for hers. I opened her door and I noticed her sitting behind her desk and the human resources manager sitting in the chair across from her. She looked up and asked me to take a seat which I did.
Twenty five minutes later, I was walking out of the office; stunned. She had basically just fired me because I was not the right fit for the job they hired me for. I couldn’t believe it but in some ways I could. Sally looked right at me and let me go. 72 hours prior, she was moaning my name and now she was letting me go? I felt like I had been punched in the gut. I walked into my office and waited a little after 4pm to begin packing my things. I exited the building an hour later. Walking to my car, I was fuming and confused. I sat in my car for about an hour just trying to process what had just happened. I had fought and worked so hard to get this job and I all of a sudden I was now being dismissed? I felt like she played me. I felt played! Slowly the thoughts began to creep into my head, I wanted to sniff or hit some Meth. I could smell it. I wanted it. I was going to get it!
I called my old dealer. He was just as shocked to hear I wanted it again. I swung by “my guy” and picked up the stuff. He along with a voice in my head kept telling me not to do it, to remember how far I’d come and how long I had stayed clean for. I was so angry with the world that I kept repressing those better thoughts and his advice. I arrived at home and headed straight to the bathroom. Pulling off my shirt, I closed the bathroom door and sat on the closed toilet seat. Cigarette in hand and all my utensils lay out on the edge of the sink. I tied my black tie to round my right bicep prepping for my shot there. I had one last thought to stop as the voice of reasoning snuck in one last time. I ignored it.
I called my sponsor to see if he could talk me out of it, knowing well that he would be at work and not be able answer his phone. True to that, he didn’t answer the phone. I took it as a sign from above to go ahead.
I could hear the music playing in the background.
I was starting to climb through the clouds. I was feeling good again.
Eyes batting, I laid down on the cold bathroom floor. All the thoughts began flooding my head. This was it… This was that feeling…
Feeling Good by Nina Simone
My phone started ringing… I was too high to want to get up.
A short while later I heard the front door open, it was my cousin letting herself in.
“Shit!” I cursed quietly….
I didn’t want her to see me like this. I was starting to try to clean up. Opening up the window slightly. I rushed to pack things up. I was using the towel to fan the smoke out of the bathroom. I was now sweating profusely, my body reacting to the things I had ingested. It had been so long, I was getting dizzy. I sat back down and held my head in my left hand. A few minutes and my cousin was calling out my name seemingly from smelling the smoke. She pulled open the bathroom door and there I sat, looking and her as she stared at me in disbelief….
She opened her mouth to talk but no words came out. I knew I was fucked… It looked like she wanted to scream… #WhatTheHeckMan
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