When was the last time you were truly in love?
And it blossomed into a beautiful garden?
When was the last time you started and finished something?
For most people, you are still reading but passively trying to remember the last thing you saw till the end.
The last time you stuck to a diet or finished a project.
What about that thing that you promised to learn how to do?
I’ve been thinking about the idea of completion and how it fosters confidence and growth.
Thinking about my life, I realized there weren’t many things that I have truly seen through.
Of course, I can count my two degrees and such but how many goals over the years have I been committed to all the way?
How many times have I decided to lose weight and quit once I started seeing some progress or life trials came knocking?
How many times did I decide to jump back in and once I dipped my toes in, I got flustered and ran?
Continuously, we fail to follow through.
It doesn’t make us bad people or people without integrity, sometimes life is just – hard.
But over the course of the month of June, I decided to take up ONE thing and crush it.
And that was my fitness.
I committed to going to the gym/working out at least 4-5 times a week.
From the picture above, you can see that I did it.
The confidence I got from that is what I am now transferring to my daily routines – skincare, teeth hygiene, prayer and daily devotion.
I used to get weary about being able to continue something for a long time or the rest of my life.
A part of me realized that it was because I was trying to build steady routines in 5 conflicting areas of my life at once.
I had to step back and carefully reassess.
I started the #75HardChallenge on Sept 1st and I am not just looking at it to be a physical transformation but a reminder that I truly can do this.
Completely reset my whole thinking and tap into a level of grit that I have never really tapped into.
Today I’m writing this to encourage myself and you as well. Select ONE thing, one muscle that you can strengthen over the next month or so. Once you complete that, you can translate it to something else and then another and another.
For me, I kept thinking about how relationships are and how I have some anxiety about being stable for long periods of time.
I had to remind myself to stay small.
Conquer a month, then two and then six before you know it, you know how to do it.
So pick up that book, go on that date, hit the gym again or just take time out to love yourself each day.
There is beauty in completion. There is strength in perseverance.
One of my favorite quotes says “there is no fatigue felt on the day of victory.” I agree completely.
So what are you committing to over the next month?
Please leave a comment below. (can you do that? lol)
Thank you for reading!
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You are highly appreciated.
When I woke up that morning, she was gone. I was late for work so I had to get going.
For some reason, I was just tired because the food and the sex that we had the night before had obviously conked me out. I felt groggy and sluggish. You know that feeling you get the next morning after a great session the night before. You’re smiling from ear to ear, glowing but super tired. That was me as I slumped onto my desk at work that morning.
I turned on my computer and responded to some work emails. I remembered that I had to check in for my flight the next day. It was already 24hrs before the flight so I could check in online. I remember being thankful I did not have to pay for my luggage because I was able to pack all my stuff into one bag. Tasha on the other hand was horrible at packing. She would come over to my house for the night with a minimum of four bags and even bring her own food. It was amazing and just comedic sometimes.
I remembered Tasha and picked up my phone and texted her,
“Hey you, how’s your day going?
You just bailed on me. Thanks for last night. I appreciate it”
She responded about seven minutes later saying,
“Oh babe, I’m sorry. I had an 8am meeting. I left and I didn’t want to wake you up. I even forgot to tell you there were some eggs for you in the microwave. You didn’t eat this morning huh?”
I knew she was right. I barely ate, so I elected not to respond because I knew her and I knew she would immediately get upset with me. I continued my day and texted Jules to find out what we would be doing on the day before his Sunday night dinner. His response was strange but I didn’t even think so till much later. He said,
“Oh you’re coming for real?”
I was surprised but I joked it off because I thought he was teasing because I had flaked on coming to visit him a few times. I typed back,
“Of course, I’m coming bro. It’s your big night. My flight leaves tomorrow”
I didn’t get another response from him but I didn’t even need one. I was leaving the office heading home. I was excited to see my brother, Jules but I was still unsure about Jacques.
I was driving home and the worry of what might go down with Jacques was still very much on my mind. I reached for my phone as I sat in traffic and began texting,
I hated when people told me they wanted to tell me something and then proceeded to not tell me immediately they told me. Funny, how much I hated suspense!
Knowing Tasha, there was no way to express things she didn’t want to. I just had to wait and I waited all night. I so desperately wanted to text her but like many, I didn’t want to be the one chasing after her.
So I lay there in bed and wondered what she might have wanted to tell me. Why hadn’t she spoken to her brother? Why was she holding back? Was she really in on it with him?
I began to weave ideas in my head. What was going on? I just needed to know. It was too much to stay awake for. I had to go to sleep; I had an early flight to catch.
The flight was reflective of my life at that time. There were some smooth moments and then there were some rocky times as the turbulence made the flight unpleasant. Whilst on the plane I thought about how long ago the three J’s had been together. I was the type of person to internalize the problem. I would make their problems, my problem and worry consistently about them so the disconnection between us saddened me. I understood some of Jacques’ frustrations and fears about his sister dating me. I understood that I was an asshole before but I was a changing man. I really wanted to do right by her. I saw myself with her long term. I wasn’t going to cheat on her or mess around. I knew that once we got back together, it was for life and I was ready for that.
I spent most of my time after I landed in my room because Tasha was scheduled to arrive later that night and Jacques and I obviously weren’t talking while Jules was also off running errands and putting finishing touches towards the dinner to be held at his house the next day.
I ventured out of my hotel which was around the airport and hit the mall. I did some light shopping and wandered into my favored Aldo store to pick up some new shoes that caught my eye. I thought to myself that it was going to be a truly odd experience when we all meet the next day. I remembered the last time we had all been in the room together like that. It was the night of Jacques’ birthday party. There was so much love, laughter and food in that place that night. I was not sure how it was going to be this time.
I had brunch with a friend at a local dinner not too far from my hotel and then I returned to my room to take a nap. I got up at about 4pm and I just had this sickening feeling in my stomach. All of a sudden I was really nervous. I felt like I had done something wrong. I just wanted to back out of the whole thing. I got under the warm water in the shower as it covered me. I just wanted to stay there. The water drowned out any outside noises and left me feeling safe in a way. I began to wish that I was just allowed to stay there but I couldn’t just be there. Stepping out of the shower with a towel lying on the ground, I began to dry myself off. I reached for my pants and put them on and then my hair brush as I put my shirt on. I started brushing my hair and looked into the mirror; this was a reflection of me. My eye sight was still not great. I had to put my eye drop in before leaving. I needed to make an appointment to see my optometrist again and also get a refill on my prescription eye drops.
I was done. I reached for my jacket and put it on and then I grabbed the gift back that included a bottle of a custom made Pinot bottled in 1972. That winery only made 250 bottles that year due to a fire on the farm. So the value of those bottles sky rocketed costing thousands but Jules was worth it. I looked around my hotel room and made sure I had everything. I put some floss in my wallet and sprayed my cologne. I never left to any meal without floss. I hated food stuck between my teeth.
. . . . . .
I arrived a little late like I always did making sure I was not the only one there when other guests showed up. There were about 4 people there already including Jules. He seemed happy to see me but I was over the moon. I gave him a big hug and attempted to catch up with him before his girlfriend pulled him aside to continue the preparations. People began to trickle in and then Jacques arrived with his new girlfriend and Tasha. I wondered why Tasha didn’t ask me to come and pick her up even though I was sure she wasn’t staying with her brother and his girlfriend. She came over and gave me a warm hug and kissed me. It had only been 4 days since I last saw her but it felt like forever and I had actually missed her. I leaned in and planted a kiss on her cheek and hugged Jacques’ girlfriend. I had totally forgotten her name. The party began as Jules, girlfriend on his arm, welcomed us all and thanked us for coming. We began to dig into the great food.
About 45 minutes in more people had arrived and there were 13 of us seated across the table with an amazing outlay of food in our presence. The food was being passed around while we all filled our plates. I was seated at an angled corner from Jacques. The tension in between us was palpable. You could touch and feel it.
There was a way he glared at me. His girlfriend was repeatedly trying to redirect him by engaging him in small talk. He wasn’t having any of it. It truly just seemed like he had everything bottled up on the inside. Dinner was coming to a close and the bottles of wine on the table were piling. There was slow beach music playing in the background as we all drank, talked and laughed. A couple of Jules’ co workers were looking like they were about to leave so it seemed like the perfect time to have a toast right before they left.
I raised my glass as I rose up and gently tapped my unused bread knife on it. Everyone turned and looked at me. Jules sitting at the head of the table to my left turned down the volume of the music playing. I cleared my throat, smiled and started my speech with,
“We are all gathered here to celebrate a good man. A hardworking man who I have had the privilege to grow with and know for many years, his determination and dedication towards the things and people he is passionate about is amazing. I appreciate you as a brother, a friend and a confidant. This new phase for you will only bring great things. You have shown that through hard work, loyalty, integrity and honesty; you can achieve anything. Congratulations bro, you deserve this”
Right before I was able to finish a now drunk Jacques blurted out,
“At least he knows what loyalty looks like”
I wasn’t taken back or surprised because I knew Jacques and his problem with regulating himself when alcohol became involved. I was angry. For the better part of the night, I had controlled and contained my temper and right then I just was about to lose it but I kept calm. I was not going to engage with Jacques. I tried to ignore him and sit down when he said,
“that’s what I thought, you lying piece of shit”
His girlfriend placed her hand on his arm as if to rein him in but it didn’t help. I looked straight at him sitting down at the table and with a built up but controlled rage I said,
“Jacques are you really trying to do this? Are you really trying to do this here?
Your plan is to air our dirty laundry in public here? Are you serious right now???”
He looked at me and said,
“yes! You wanna stand there and give a speech about loyalty and honesty and shit. Yet you’re out her operating behind people’s backs!”
I was actually startled and had this puzzled look on my face. Jules was surprisingly not standing to interrupt or break up what was about to happen. I thought it was because he had been doing that between us for so long and he must have been fed up or he was just too drunk. I didn’t know when I dug into the reserved anger in me and said,
“Bruh! You need to chill the fuck out with that. What I have to do with your sister has nothing to do with you? Let it fucking go!
She’s a grown ass woman who can make her own decisions and she’s decided to be with me. So be a fucking man and leave it alone. I have never done anything to hurt her and I’m not planning on it so niggaa! Chill the fuck out!”
People were starting to get really uncomfortable and some began to excuse themselves while Tasha held me back and Jacques girlfriend tried to calm him down. The girl Jules had been talking to, Victoria, was puzzled and trying to keep the peace.
Jacques charging at me yelling obscenities suddenly paused after what I had said and smiled. He said
“Oh she didn’t tell you?”
looking at Tasha and then he continued talking,
“I thought you would be one to hurt her but I guess she got to you first. Hahaha such a shame”
I was now confused and I looked at Tasha who was holding my right arm and saying
“Don’t listen to him baby. He’s just saying that to make you mad.”
“He hasn’t said anything yet. What are you talking about? What is he trying to say?”
“Nothing baby. Just forget it and calm down. It’s not important”
She responded and then Jacques cut her off,
“Yeah, that’s not what is important. What’s important is the bullshit you told the NCAA when they called to investigate about the Championship game and why I didn’t test. You were the only one who knew about it and now they are investigating me. You broke the trust you fucking traitor and now you want me to let you be with my sister?! Hell no! I’d rather die you son of a bitch!”
Now, I was mad! If it was possible to see the fumes coming out of nostrils, they would have been enough to burn a corn field in the California drought. I yelled back,
“Me! Me?!!! Are you mad?! Why would I do that? After all that we went through. After all those years. You think I would turn on my brother now?! Now you’re the one not thinking.”
Jacques was a bit taken back by how angry I was. I was close to tears. Whenever I got really angry and I didn’t have the words to use, I would just find myself crying. It also happened whenever I was wrongly accused of something. I was about to lose my shit proper. Tasha had let go of my arm. Jules was quiet in the corner with his girl looking in shock next to him and then Jacques said
“So you’re trying to tell me you never told anyone about our plan back then?”
I shook my head and said
“No! I never told anyone…”
Then it dawned on me. I did tell someone. I did tell one person. But NO!
It was absolutely impossible that the person would have done that. No they could not have betrayed me, betrayed us like that.
I turned to my left and looked at a now worried Jules. He stepped back and then I said,
“I told Jules and only him”
Everyone turned to Jules who made no attempt to defend himself as he took steps backwards. Jacques spoke first before anyone could speak
“You told the NCAA about that. You tried to ruin my life after trying to ruin my sister’s relationship? You bastard! You blackmail my sister and then try to ruin me?!”
Jules chimed in
“I didn’t know my testimony in the investigation was bad. I just said what I thought they wanted to hear. It was so many years ago”
I now had an idea of what was going on and I needed answers. I turned to my right and looked square at Tasha and said
“Tasha, was Jules the reason you didn’t come to the hospital all those months?”
I needed more than that.
She was now crying. The Tasha I knew was solid even in the face of pressure. Something was off but I was frustrated. I yelled
She was wiping her tears when she pointed at Jules and said,
“It was him. It was because of him.”
“What do you mean?”
“He blackmailed me. Jules and I had slept together only a few months before you and I began talking. It was just sex. Nothing more I promise but…. *she sobbed a bit more* when you and I got serious, I didn’t know how to tell you because he was so close to you. So I thought it would go away. He did go away for a while and then he returned when the accident happened and told me that night we were both at the hospital that if I didn’t have sex with him, he would tell you that we had been having sex before you and I became. And I didn’t want that to happen so I gave in. It was only oral but I could not bring myself to look at you again. So I stopped coming to the hospital and stayed away hoping that you would forget about me and my secret would stay dead. I am sorry”
As the last words sailed into the open and shocked room, it felt like a dagger went right through my heart. I looked at Tasha and tears began to streak out of my eyes. I was hurt; again. I had no words to convey my emotion. I felt so stupid.
I was waiting for this girl and hurt that she was not there when I woke up, not knowing that she had been with someone I called a brother. I sat back down in my seat, shocked. I could see Jacques and his face was filled with such regret and sadness. This was not how he wanted me to find out about all this.
I felt so naked. You know that sense you get when you are the last one let in on a secret so significantly about you. I could not imagine that they all knew and nobody told me. I looked around at Jacques; his entire expression said he was sorry without even using words. I turned at the other guests and they all felt sorry for me. I slowly with my teary eyes moved and looked at Tasha, she was sitting in the corner with her hands over her face and all her makeup smeared. I still loved her but I was hurt and while I understood what she did because I had been in that situation before, I was pretty hurt.
I turned over and looked at Jules. It all made sense now. Distributing all the focus away from himself and not wanting to talk about Jacques or Tasha back then. It seemed like all my hurt and anger was channeled that way. I was ready to pounce on him and then he made the biggest mistake ever. He opened his mouth and said,
I lost it. I don’t even remember how fast I ran that way. I jumped out of my chair pushing it back with my left hand. I ran around the couch and dashed for him. Victoria tried to block me and I darted around her. Jules was a tight end in college, a really big guy. I pushed into him and he barely moved. I don’t know exactly what happen next but I swung at him trying to punch him and missed. Trying to defend himself he pushed me and I slipped, falling backwards I crashed into the center piece of the table and the glass shattered and right then my head smashed into the tiles on the ground. The sounds of the glass were familiar, like that day on the road. It was very loud. And just like that day, it all went dark really quick and then quiet for a little while.
All of sudden I heard people rush out to me and I could hear a really scared and worried Tasha calling my name
I could hear Jacques on the phone calling for the ambulance and Victoria yelling at Jules for what he had done. Slowly the noise died out in my head. My eyes batted. I could feel hands on me. My breathing slowed. And then it went completely dark and silent.
. . . . . .
The sounds were the same, the beeping of the machines. It felt like a familiar place. I yawned and slowly turned. I could hear the chatter and the voices from far off. I felt sore and my head throbbed. I felt stiff like I was strapped onto a surfboard.
I turned around moved my legs. I could feel a pounding in my head.
It was tight and dark around me. I could feel a cool breeze from the fan blowing all over me. I knew where I was. The smell of drugs and the moist in the air, I knew this hospital bed. I knew people were in the room but I wasn’t sure who.
I wanted to ask who it was as I turned my head to the left and then I heard a voice.
“Mr Osho, I’m sorry to hear about the situation but from the initial scans we ran it doesn’t look good at all. There seems to be a lot of scaring in your eyes and the little shard of glass has moved into a dangerous position. It is quite possible we might be looking at some permanent damage here”
I clinched the sheets and I knew.
I knew that I had gotten lucky one time. There was no way fate was going to be kind on me the second time. I just felt it in my soul. The doctor continued,
“We will run some more tests and see what we come out with. For now, get some rest and we’ll hope together”
I heard someone thank the doctor as the door closed behind him. I believed in my heart that it was over. Jacques opened his mouth and began talking,
“Jerome, I’m sorry bro. I truly am. I’m sorry for doubting you and for accusing you of those things. I should have trusted you. I should have known that you would never betray me, betray us after all that we went through. I’m disappointed in myself and in the things I said. I should have never allowed my feelings to come between you and my sister. I made the biggest mistake in a long time. I just hope you can forgive me and I want you to know that I will be here for as long as you need me. I’m sorry bro…”
Jacques was sorry I could tell. He had always wanted to protect me. From putting himself on the line for me back in college to loaning money when I was searching for a job, this man always had my back. It was just sad that this situation had caused this rift between us. I wanted to cry and I knew we were both hurting. I gathered myself and said,
“It’s okay bro. I’m sorry for the things I said too. I hope we can move forward and put all this behind us. You’re a brother to me. Not even like one and I am sorry that all this came between us from your sister to the NCAA thing. I’m so sorry I let my temper get the best of me. I love you bro”
I paused and then said,
She muffed her response
“I love you. I always have from the first day I met you. I knew I had to have you. It has been hard. Bumps along the way but I have never stopped loving you. I don’t even know why I’m saying this right now but I want you to know that I will always love you. I wish you had told me the truth then. It would have been better to be hurt then and he would have never been able to use it against you. You are my heart. You and your brother are my family”
I held her hand and squeezed it tight. They stayed for a few more hours before Jacques left for the night.
I was wheeled into the room for an MRI early the next morning. Tasha had brought me some Chinese and fed it to me as my eyes were still blinded by the material. I was seated up in my bed eating and watching the Price is Right when Jacques walked in. We exchanged greeting and he sat next to me. All three of us were in the room and my sister who was flying in was on her way. The doctor walked in and addressed me. He asked if they could please excuse us and I said,
“No it’s okay doc, they are my family.”
Tasha squeezed my hand. The doctor said
“Mr Jerome, I’m sorry to say this but there is significant damage to your eyes. The MRI just showed that the repeated trauma to that target position had done more damage. Sadly, you may never see out of those eyes anymore. I’m sorry.”
The doctor stopped talking and asked us to let him know if we needed anything else. I was already in tears. He turned around and left the room. As he left, I felt Jacques and Tasha embrace me on the bed with big hugs. I was now crying heavily. I had prayed that things would get better after the last time. This was definitely not it.
I was never going to see the basketball championships, watch someone get pulled over or watch the opening ceremony of the Olympics. It was going to be steady darkness. I kicked my head back and heard the sounds as all three of us cried on the hospital bed.
I asked myself before what would happen if the lights went out. I guess I finally had the clear opportunity to find out. My vision in life was drowned out. I felt a new set of tears flow down my cheeks as I cried out a soft but heavy
The lights were out. I had to redefine myself and who I was going to be and how my life would be. My whole life basically changed in a day. This was going to be a difficult life change that I didn’t know what it would look like. I wasn’t sure but I surely was surely about to find out. I had people that loved me that much even though they had messed up and that was at least one thing I didn’t have to cry about. We had been physically and emotionally bruised and battered in this journey. Broken relationships, broken dreams, tattered hopes, darkened worlds and there I was scarred and now leaning on the same people that contributed to the wounds to help me heal. Funny how life works sometimes, people hurt us and we forgive them and then task them with the project of helping us rebuild again. This was going to be hard. My whole world seemed black; I put my hand around Tasha’s head and pulled her close. A fresh set of tears flowed out my eyes.
“There is a saying that the ant that eats/kills the plant is actually on the plant to begin with.
Well something like that. Over time, we go into relationships and situations that have outcomes that would eventually blindside us and cause us to be hurt. In this series, there’s forgiveness but there’s loyalty, a lack of communication, deciet, lies, pain and love. The relationships we have provide a perfect balance with all those things or at least so we hope right. I’m not asking you go and confess all your sins today but I’m asking you to watch how you wield the blade. You are immersed in the lives of certain people and your actions matter. I used the blindness of Jerome as a metaphor for scarring people for life, from those that break hearts to those that collect them; you can leave a long lasting scar. One that might never heal or even one that you might never be able to help heal. Do good and give good.
You cannot control what others do unless you’re a magician or you’ve got your voodoo master on Facetime, but you can control what YOU do.
The positive energy you give off, the honesty, loyalty, dedication, forgiveness, patience, open communication, the LOVE.
Be good to those that love you today because trust me, you don’t want to be the reason they cry out “Why”.
Be a bright light and shining spot in their lives. Never be the reason, the lights go out.
I thought Jae had missed the awkward exchange between us but apparently she hadn’t.
“Do you guys know each other?”
She said with a smile on her face clearly oblivious to what was happening or so I thought. With both of us shaking our heads, I responded
“No, we don’t. She looks familiar though”
It was a lie. A clear one that I think Jae must have seen through but I couldn’t have risked the truth at that moment.
She giggled and said to Nia
“Marcel knows just about everyone, it’s actually quite stressful.”
I knew she was only teasing but a part of me felt like she said that particular sentence to reach out for a slip up. I stood firm and smiled back. Nia looked at my father in disgust and then at me, she excused herself and walked out. My eyes had followed her as she walked out. When she was out of sight, I turned back around and caught the glare from Jae. She sensed something.
There had been something off about me since I returned from the hospital. I had been trying to keep it under wraps hoping that Jae wouldn’t find out about it. I was still in shock, replaying the face I saw at the hospital over and over. It really was her and I could not believe it. I did not know what to do and my father, the man who never thought any problem was unsolvable, admitted we had a problem. I was confused and powerless.
I remember sitting at my dining table alone thinking,
“I thought she moved?” “I thought she lived in a different state” “How did she get so far up in the same town and I never noticed her?”
I had to talk to her. I just had to.
Jae was scheduled to be discharged after observation that day. Due to the many times we had lost babies, we had agreed that she needed to have a therapist. Dr Yeung had been working with her for about a year now and I felt he was a sort of calming influence for her. Jae respected him and valued his help. My bank account respected the importance of the need, so it never complained.
I got to the hospital in the late afternoon after leaving work early that day. I walked in and headed to Jae’s floor. Her appointment with Dr. Yeung was scheduled to end at 5pm, so I had about 45 minutes to find Nia and talk to her. I asked for her at the floor’s receptionist desk and they called and asked for her to come down. I sat impatiently in the lobby waiting for her. I was nervous and unsure about how this was all going to go down. A few minutes later, I heard her arrive next to me.
She wore glasses now but back in the day, she didn’t. She slowly took them off and asked,
“What do you want?”
I picked up on the hint of disgust and resentment in her voice. I slowly stood up and in a lowered voice, I asked,
“Can we please speak in private?”
She rolled her eyes and sighed.
She responded as she led me towards an open hospital room down a few doors down. She walked in before me and I walked in and closed the door behind us. I stood there and she had this expecting look on her face to urge me to start talking. I took a deep breath in and began to speak;
“Nia, I don’t even know where to start. It’s been so long and I don’t know what happened between us after that night. I had so much to explain. One moment we were something and the next we were gone….”
She cut me out mid statement and said,
“Look Marcel, you look like you have done well for yourself and that’s great but after what you and your family put me through back then, I don’t want to have anything to do with you. And I have nothing to say to you. I will be as professional as possible with your wife but I do not want to speak to you. So if you would excuse me, I have patients to attend to”
She stormed out of the room and slammed the door shut. My biggest fear had been realized. This encounter had gone sour and now she was mad at me. Nia from back then held grudges and that obviously hadn’t changed. I deserved every bit of it though; I had messed up back then big time. And I obviously hadn’t been forgiven. It’s not only the sins of the father’s that live on after them, sometimes it’s the sins of the man himself that will haunt him.
My heart sunk into my stomach and a cloud of darkness seemed to cover the room. I took a deep breath and opened the door, walking into the bright lights in the hospital hallways.
I entered Jae’s hospital room and Nia was already there. Jae still unassuming to my understanding, Nia was talking to her about ways to continue to take care of herself. Jae was already on a strict diet and on a bunch of pills to support the process and the help with the constant blood loss she had. Dr Yeung said his goodbyes, shook my hand and walked out. Nia finished up as Jae who was sitting at the foot of the bed, thanked her and got up. We walked out together, Nia walking behind us. We stepped outside the room, headed to the left and down the hall. I turned around and caught a glimpse of Nia standing in the hallway behind us. She had a look of sadness in her eyes. She quickly turned around with her head bowed. I was sure I had hurt that woman.
. . . . . .
Lust or Love – Tay
It had been two weeks since the hospital and I hadn’t been able to shake the thought of Nia out of my head. This particular day I was in my office, it was a Saturday when the rest of my staff was gone. The way I was, whenever I had something not work related weighing on my mind, I would immerse myself in work till it was all I thought about. I just couldn’t leave the room to think about other things that continued to depress and confuse. I had left many texts on Nia’s phone, a number I had illegally retrieved online. There were no replies.
I turned my chair around deep in thought, papers all over my conference table with a jug of water I had been drinking from. It was full when I walked in, now almost empty. I stared out the window into the hills. The day was beautiful outside but my heart; covered in darkness.
I met Nia in my freshman year of college in one of my sociology classes. It was filled with girls but she stood out to me. She was smart, witty and she had an amazing sense of humor. I gradually moved seats as class sessions went by until I was seated close enough to her. I would eventually talk to her and even had the final group project with her which we obviously smashed out the park. We rocked together. We were both young and new to it all. Enjoying the experience with her was fun.
When I decided to pledge, she thought it would be a good idea to join a fraternity with connections post-graduation to set me up in the future. She was a little disappointed when I ended up picking what was notoriously known to be a party house.
Nia and I weren’t together officially at the time I found I was going to be accepted to join the fraternity. Part of the pledging process was that I had to come up with money to throw a huge summer party and by the end of the night; I had to have sex with a girl on the bed they gave me on top of the fraternity’s custom made sheets. It seemed fairly simple and straightforward, my father was well to do and I had Nia. We had been having sex for about a month and feelings were already there, it was just a matter of the right time to make it official.
The night of the pledging, they blindfolded all of us. They drove us to a spot approximately 12 minutes away from campus to a causeway. We got out of the cars and the blind folds were lifted. We were directed to use some big rocks on the ground to write out the name of our fraternity. It was noticeable from the freeway next by. We then returned downtown in the city where our school was located. We tagged some buildings with graffiti and then headed back to the house.
It was around midnight and people were beginning to fill up the house. I headed to my room and showered. I came down about 30 minutes later and Nia showed up soon after. After the step show, chanting and the speech by the “brother” (the head of our fraternity) welcoming us all, the party was on. Drinks were everywhere, drugs were everywhere, girls were everywhere and sex floated in the air. About an hour later, Nia and I were high and drunk, her a bit more than I. We headed towards my room. A high five from one of my fellow pledges and we were soon on my bed. I was fondling her, nervously kissing her and laughing midway through.
I cupped her breasts in my hands and squeezed while my mouth searched her body. I was nervous and naïve. I didn’t even wonder if they were recording the whole thing. The sex was average at best. I don’t know if it was because we were under the influence but it was done in mere minutes. Not two, a prime number greater than five and less than 11.
I got up and stumbled to the bathroom to take off the condom. I had this weird check I performed back then with condoms to ensure they never broke. I would fill them with water and squeeze the water around it. Think water balloons. I was going to make sure I wasn’t at risk of anything. This particular one wasn’t leaking.
It must have been when the water was running that they came but the sight I came out of the bathroom to would later haunt me for a long time.
I returned from the bathroom and noticed two of my frat brothers on the bed. One was kissing on Nia and the other playing with her privates. I was taken aback. I couldn’t believe it.
One of the head “brothers” came up to me after obviously noticing the shock and confusion on my face. He put his arm around me and said,
“This is not a problem… right? We all share here. We are all brothers”
I wanted to fit in so bad and that night I made the most cowardly decision I have ever made as a man. As one of the guys wanted to violate Nia with his privates, the “brother” still standing next to me with his hand on my shoulder said,
“This shouldn’t be that bad. She’ll enjoy it. He’s good. After all, she isn’t your girl right?”
There was a window right there for me to stop this all. I looked up at him, it was as if my answer had to be perfect. I looked down and said nothing, just shook my head conveying “no”.
Nia was under the influence but I knew she could feel things and she knew it wasn’t right but she couldn’t fight back. There I was, worried about the wrong things. Vain things and I was hurting the woman that I cared about. That wasn’t me, it was the man I was becoming and I had to stop that guy but I didn’t quickly enough.
They made me stand there and watch the whole thing. I stood there and fought back tears. Nia was turning and would make out a period to keep her eyes open to look at me. It was a begging look. Pleading with me to make it stop but I did nothing. I just watched. I watched just to fit in. I let my morals slip away.
When it was over, a short but damaging 16 minutes, another set of brothers came in and cleaned Nia up. It seemed like they had been used to this. It felt like a cleanup to prevent the drugged girl from knowing what had happened. The rest of the night was a horrible blur. I never heard from Nia again. She dropped out of the school shortly after and I heard she moved out of the country about two months later. The other cowardly thing I did was not attempt to find her before she left. She wasn’t staying at her parents but I should have still tried harder.
The sins of a man. This secret had me trapped for years. I never thought it would surface and now it was breaking my heart. The things that happened that night to me and to Nia had weighed so much on my current life and I didn’t know it.
National Sexual Assault Hotline – 1.800.656.HOPE
“A bystander to evil that does nothing is just as responsible for the evil. Do something. Speak up”
I thought to myself as I came back from my memories and my cell phone buzzed again. It was Jae. I wiped the tears off my face, cleared my throat and answered.
. . . . .
Jae was outside my office building. She had returned from her wedding and decided to surprise me. This was the worst day that this could have happened.
I straightened myself out and headed for the front door. Letting her in, I gave her a hug as she gripped me tight. Her red covered lips planted a huge kiss on my lips. She looked amazing. She was a wearing a white and black stripped dress, knee length, with pink pumps and her blue clutch. I was pretty sure a few years back, I would have feasted her up before she left the house looking that good.
“How’s the work going my hardworking superman?”
She smiled as she sat on the conference table.
“It’s going baby. How was the wedding?”
“Oh the wedding was fine but forget the wedding. I had an idea while I was waiting outside. We haven’t had sex at this new office since your company moved some years back. I want you to fuck me all over this table”
This was the freaky Jae talking. She was going for it.
She seemed very up for great sex at the moment but I was worried in my head that I would not be able to get my member up.
There was just something about her in heels. I scanned down at her legs and I somehow got turned on. My member slowly began to rise. She leaned back and pulled her dress up, revealing her dark blue lace panties. I knew it was about to go down. She spread her legs, licked her fingers and slowly moved them from her mouth to her lips down south.
“Are you going to take them off or…?”
She snapped the lining of her underwear. I reached in, still seated and pulled off her panties. Wet.
I licked my lips and looked up at her. She had this look of anticipation, waiting for my warm tongue to touch her wet pussy.
This was crazy! But it was happening and anyone that has ever had sex at their workplace would tell you the same. Well you should never tell anyone that before your ass gets fired. Back to #WhatTheHeckMan series…
I leaned in and French kissed her lips. They kissed back. Wet, they covered my lips with their juices. My tongue went searching inside their cabin and my beard was now getting covered in her showers. Her back was arched all the way; her braids hitting the table. She scratched the table looking for a grip. Nothing.
I absolutely enjoyed feasting on her body. My left fingers still playing with her right nipple as my tongue paced back and forth on her clit. I stuck two fingers into her. It was hot in there. My fingers as they worked in and out like an oil rig shaft continued to get covered in wetness.
I was ready and about to get up when she rose and pushed me down. She got on her knees and took me into her mouth. There was something about the way she sucked on the rod, working both her lips and hands at the same time. It was perfection.
She made it wet. Nasty wet.
Slobbering all over it. Spit covered, my member throbbed hard. I was clutching the handles on the seats trying to maintain composure as best as I could. She was getting me close and I wasn’t afraid either. I wanted to get this first one out of the way, so we could enjoy the rest of the party together.
I placed my right hand on her head, holding it down as I neared that climax. It was going to be a full load, I could feel it in my balls.
“Yess… Yess… Arghhhh!!!”
I let out the grunts as I shot my load into the back wall of her wanting mouth. She swallowed.
Licked her lips and got up. She pulled my chair that had been moved back while I came close to the desk, she turned around and before my member had time to drop its head and go sad she got it happy and slid on it. It was so warm in there!
I could feel my shaft throbbing as she worked her way up and down. She was moaning loudly. There was just something about this encounter. She wanted this bad!
She placed her hands on her head and she bounced up and down on my dick. I held her at her waist to help guide her along. I could tell she was nearing her climax. I got up, without pulling out of her, bent her over the desk and gripped her waist really tightly.
My thrusts were harder, you could almost say angrier. I was hitting it hard. In and out. Her moans were now many times louder and here we were in my office, windows open and asses hanging out.
“Cum for me dadddyyy… Shooot that shit inside me!”
Thrust. Thrust. Thrust.
“Oh shit!. Oh shit”
Was mostly what she was saying and then it happened. The full load.
All inside her, I clutched her waist really close and empty my barrel into her warm wetness. She turned around with the biggest smile on her face. Half of it was surprise at the fact that we just did that at my place of work and the other half was that it was amazing.
She leaned into me and kissed me on the cheek and then whispered in my ear while grabbing my shaft and rolled my balls in her hands,
“He should get ready for round two when we get home”
I smiled. It was on.
Because of her, I had forgotten about all my other problems. It felt great to just have her. She led the way out as I watched her sway from left to right while I armed the building’s alarm system. She always looked like a Queen. Part two was definitely going to happen.
. . . . . .
Our lives had finally settled down after the last miscarriage or so it seemed. I had begun to worry less about Nia. I was resigned to the fact that I just might not have been able to fix that. And she barely told me much so what was I even trying to fix?
I pulled into the drive way that evening and there was a car parked in my parking spot next to my wife’s car. I was a bit irritated because it meant that I had to park my car on the street and I would have to come back outside to move it again before the garbage trucks came by in the morning. I was tired.
I stepped out of the car and headed for the rear of the car. The trunk was already opened; I reached for laptop bag and grabbed my running shoes with my index and thumb fingers on my left hand. Using the base of my left hand, I closed the trunk and headed towards the house. I arrived at the door and struggled to let myself in with all the things in my hands. I eventually got in.
The second living area was the first thing you saw when you walked into our house and then her kitchen, after turning the corner, you then had a clear sight towards the main living room in the house with most of the bedrooms upstairs. I could hear Jae talking to someone but couldn’t really make out who it was and I really didn’t care. I just wanted to hit the shower, eat some dinner and knock out.
I let out my usual phrase when Jae didn’t physically see me when I came home. Coming around the corner, headed for the living room, I said,
“Hey mama, I’m home”
I turned into the living room. I stopped in my tracks. My brain went into overdrive. The television was on; food network. There were glasses of water on the coffee table on top of coasters like Jae always wanted. The perfectly lit and spaced room suddenly felt smaller. I could feel my heart playing catch up with the rest of my body. I felt like I was going to faint. I hated being blindsided, I still do. I noticed her handbag leaning on the couch next to her. I noticed her blue pumps, crossed over each other. My eyes were picking up on everything as they searched for answers. My eyes had torn the whole room about apart but I had not moved a single inch. And then Jae broke the silence. She stood up and almost fighting back tears, she said,
“You’re a rapist?! You raped her?!!”
The tears started to flow. My heart began to shatter into tiny little pieces. I could feel them drop onto the floor with all the tension in the air and silence in the room. I wasn’t exactly sure what to say. I know I needed to say something but nothing came out.
I was in shock… Double shock! I was still holding it together until Jae said these next words which snatched out my heart and crushed it.
“You are a sick bastard and I never want to have anything to do with you.”
Nia had gotten up at this point; bag in hand and was ready to leave. Jae walked her towards the door and a few minutes out. I was glued to the spot; literally. So many questions raced through my head and I struggled to find answers. It felt like a movie or a very bad prank that was perfectly executed. I finally was able to move. My mouth was dry, heart racing and palms sweaty.
I tried to make sense of it all. I tried to find the words, all that came to mind was….
Help me say it!!!!!!!!!!, #WhatTheHeckMan!!!!!
Come back for the concluding Part 4 next week. It promises to be epic. Trust me! Leave me a comment….
PLEASE LEAVE A COMMENT BELOW. LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK
A Huge Birthday Shout to my biggest fan and motivator F.M.S, you are truly everything. Thank you for the push to start #WhatTheHeckMan. We are truly grateful. Enjoy!
⟹ ⟹ ⟹ PLAY THE SONG BEFORE READING. START THE SONG FIRST AND PLAY ALL THE SONGS
Afire Love by Ed Sheeran
We lay there backs to each other. Something wanted me to reach over but I couldn’t. This was becoming our story. This was becoming what we were identified with. But this situation only made us one thing; better actors to fit into the society because when we were out, all we had to do was put on a smile and make the whole world think that everything was fine in the Davidson home.
I could feel the sleep coming over me and I wanted to turn around and tell her I love her. I wanted to turn around and plant a kiss on her lips like I had done many times from our fornicating days till when we decided to get married. I wanted to go back to the old us. I really did.
It was about 8:30am in the morning when I woke up, she was already up. I could hear some movements in the kitchen and her space in the bed was empty. She was either doing the dishes from the dinner she made the night before or just cleaning up like she normally did.
I got up and turned around, reached for my phone. Flipped it over and looked at my emails, messages and texts. I placed the phone down.
I got up and sluggishly made my way into the bathroom. I caught a glimpse of my boner as I walked past the mirror and my small brain wanted me to put that to work. But no, that wasn’t going to happen.
Standing over the toilet bowl, I began to pee. I realized about halfway through that I forgot to lift up the toilet seat. I knew how much she hated that, she was soo going to lose it. But I finished, turned around, cut a piece of paper towel and threw it into the bowl. I washed my hands then walked out and went to the kitchen.
“Good morning baby…”
She responded in her ever so polite and quiet voice. There was something missing; the smile, the spark. Our pain had taken all of that from her. Now she settled for mere days of happiness. I asked of her plans and she said she had none except seeing her sister and stopping at the bank.
“Dinner at Sophie’s tonight?”
“I’ll let you know later. Is that okay?”
I nodded and took a sip of my coffee.
Tax season was over so I was home more and traveling less. I had been traveling a lot recently, not because I didn’t love her or want to be home but because I felt like things were changing between us and I wasn’t ready for that and tax season is the busiest time for an accountant.
I headed back to my room and walked by the room. Untouched and hardly opened. I remembered last night when she had snapped at me. I was disappointed and sad because I knew that the fight against the pain that was tearing us apart was winning and we were giving in.
I stood in front of the room and looked at the closed door. Everything in that room was vividly registered in my mind. I knew where every detail was. I stood in the doorway of our bedroom and she came into the hallway and saw me standing there.
Tears began to flow down her eyes and I turned away and walked into our bedroom without doing anything. Sad, I know but it was where we were now. Love used to reside in our home. Used to. Now we were cuddled in the arms of heartbreak and unhappiness and it was like home.
. . . . . .
It was my junior year in college and I was in a fraternity, working at a coffee shop and making up community service hours at the local library affiliated with my school down the street from campus.
That beautiful Friday morning I was restocking the books we had received overnight into their respective positions and I happened to glance at the door when a local day program for autistic kids came into the building to use our community playroom. Their program assistant was just beautiful. Like you could tell from afar that she had a great heart. I just wanted to get to know her instantly.
I stood off in between two shelves and watched her care for and direct the kids. It was so heartwarming. I must have been staring for about 20 minutes when my co-worker came up behind me and said,
“Are you going to talk to her or just stare like a creep?”
I joked and blew it off like she wasn’t my type or anything but she really was. She was the perfect foil to me; crazy and loud at the same time. She would bring so much calm and focus to my life but not until after she made me work to even get her attention.
The first time I ever talked to her, was just bad. I messed up so much. I used to think I had game but my own tongue humbled me. I had never seen it so tied and twisted as it was that day.
Towards the end of my shift, I got radioed to come and clean up a mess a kid made in the playroom her group of kids were using that day. I walked into the room with my broom and mop heading straight for the spilled bag of hot Cheetos on the floor. I wasn’t angry that it had been spilled on the floor, in fact I was more upset that I had to do that “dirty job” in front of her.
I made the mistake of being myself instead of trying to impress her by rushing to sweep it all off the ground, the crackers crumbled under the broom and further stained the carpet. Confused, I jumped down to the ground and tried to use my brush to scrub it all off and I was doing okay until, I got up and realized my blue jeans were covered in yellow cheese from the knees downwards. Wet cheese.
I looked down at my pants with the kids laughing at me and I looked up at her, she had a smile on her face; a little one. I don’t know where the words came from but in my embarrassment, I coughed up,
“What are you looking at that’s funny?”
and rushed out of the room. I noticed the smile on her face disappear and turn to surprise as I turned the corner of the tempered glass window and walked away.
I played that incident in my head many times and wished I could take it all back and re-do it. I felt I could have been smoother than I was that day. Ugh! I hated myself. It didn’t help that she would then travel for the entire summer to London for a wedding and studying abroad. I was so angry I didn’t get a second shot. But after all, they say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression or at least something along those lines.
A few months had passed and I was running through campus one evening when I noticed her sitting down reading on the field. I was taken aback and immediately approached her. This chance was not passing me by. I came up to her and tried to chat her up but I walked away from that conversation shut down.
I remember starting with,
“Hey, how’s it going? My name is Marcel. What are you reading there?”
She responded with,
“Impact of Vicarious Trauma on Social Workers”
Obviously having no idea on what she was talking about, I tried to play it off and continued the conversation,
“Oh, that must be from the Sociology class about social problems, right?”
She looked at me, smiled with pity and said,
“No. but if you don’t mind, I have to finish this chapter”
Like a dog with its tail between my legs, I walked away till I got far enough and started running. I didn’t want to start running after I left her because I was so surprised at the exchange. I felt so little that it felt like I would have tripped over my own feet if I’d attempted to run.
I could not understand why she would not give me a chance to chat her up or get to know her. I was guessing she knew I was part of a fraternity and maybe she didn’t like them or something. I was confused and intrigued. And she never even gave me her name.
I would later run into her and her best friend one day. I immediately began chatting up her friend as a way to not get blown off. Her friend liked me. It was working. And then I invited them to a party the guys at the house were throwing.
We had been throwing parties for a while. I was always in charge of the food and at the time I was neighbors with Chad, the guy in charge of the guest list; he decided who came and who wasn’t invited. I knew that I wanted her to be there, so I walked into his room one evening and asked him that I wanted her to get a special invite for the next party.
The way our crew rolled on campus each party was unique in the way we promoted or even themed it. There was a schedule for how we threw parties; one in March, July and one usually in late September or early October. Whether, she knew it or not, she was coming. Speaking with Chad, the invites for this party were Masquerade masks. If one got delivered to you by one of the freshman pledges, you were in.
I specifically wanted to invite her to this party, so I had Chad give me her specific invite along with that of her best friend. I walked into her Sociology class during lecture and walked straight to her seat. I stood in front of her and dropped it on her desk. With a smile on my face, I said,
“Party is on Saturday, you’re the special guest. It won’t be epic without you. Don’t let everyone else down”
and began to walk away. I turned around right at the door to a startled professor and an embarrassed smile on her beautiful face. I knew I got her; I just knew it.
A few days had gone by and I had still not heard anything from her. It was crazy how I went from being extremely confident to beginning to doubt myself. I wondered why she didn’t respond and what that meant.
“Did she think I was obnoxious?”
“Full of it?”
“Too out there?”
I wasn’t sure and the silence was making it so much harder for me to think straight. I needed to see her. I needed an answer.
. . . . . .
The party was halfway through and it was about midnight. I had not heard from her or her friend and I still kept looking out for her hoping she would show up. A few rounds of beer pong, spin the bottle and a couple hits off the rotating blunt out on the porch. I was starting to forget about the disappointment of her not coming that I was actually starting to have fun.
And then backing the door, I was talking to a friend and I heard my name. It was her voice. It was her gentle voice. Funny to say gentle because it was deeper than most women but it always seemed to soothe my heart and comfort my ears. I turned around and there she was; beautiful.
She had her hair up in brown braids. She was wearing a blue blouse with brown shorts and some heels. I swear I just wanted to take a bite off her smooth cheeks as she smiled at me.
I began with sporting a huge smile on my face
“Where is your friend?”
She responded while pointing to the corner of the house.
“Well thank you for coming. I’m glad you could make it”
I yelled over all the blasting music.
She nodded and pulled me in close and yelled into my ears
“For that stunt you pulled, you owe me dinner. My pick and I’d like a drink, please…”
I pulled back from her as she shoed me away like a little child.
I smiled and turned around. She was hooked. She was mine.
Our initial few months were different from the norm. The honeymoon phase came months later into us knowing each other. We used to argue over the pettiest shit and for no actual reason except that we were both stubborn and no one wanted to cede control or get hurt. It was ruining us from building anything solid. And we knew it too.
Months would pass by and we would begin to understand each other better. Since we began to get serious my biggest issue with her was probably that whenever it got seriously bad with us or we were in a rough patch, she would pack up and be so eager to leave the relationship. Instead of rolling up her sleeves, taking the reins like she first did when I tried to woo her and impacted the relationship. She always wanted to go. It made me feel extremely inadequate and like I could not love her right. She barely complimented me and even if she did, it was always twisted to not highlight me in some way. I felt powerless whenever we argued because it would always be turned into how much I was needy, selfish and inconsiderate.
But she had a way, oh she had a way to make me happy; possibly the happiest man in the world.
It was the way she smiled, the way she talked, the way she snored. The way she looked into my eyes and drank all my bottles of water whenever she came to visit. Even the way she said, “what you ma call it?” or her obsession with Indian movies; she endeared herself in my heart.
Those were the reasons why I loved her so deeply. She motivated me to be a better man everyday.
She curbed my wild ways and helped me understand what it truly meant to love and be selfless. Out of nowhere, this woman captivated my heart and I was completely fine with it.
One night, we had been going through a rough period and walking on eggs shells, it was frustrating. A few days prior, I had accidentally hit her in the middle of trying to de-escalate an argument we were having. She knew it was an accident but she was still holding on to it much to my irritation and frustration.
This evening, I could not remember what was said, I believe it had something to do with a post I put up on Facebook. Usually something I wrote or posted to some girl. She didn’t like it and she called to confront me about it. I blatantly told her it was not about her even though I was pissed off at her for another matter. She became angry and attempted to blow me off that night. I wasn’t having it.
I got up and put my clothes on. It was past midnight. I got into my car and headed for her house. About a few minutes away, I texted her saying I was on my way and I wanted her to come down stairs but we were both only allowed two sentences each.
I got there and a few minutes later, she was in the passengers seat. No words exchanged.
Nishike by Sauti Sol
We drove to a quiet and dark empty parking lot and I parked the car. Motioning to her, we hopped in the back seat of the car. I pulled her in close and said nothing. Just holding her tight. I knew she needed to be held. She was stubborn but she was my baby. She was my Queen. I kissed her gently as I stroked her shoulder. She looked at me like she felt safe. I hadn’t done enough of that lately. Making her feel safe. I was caught up in all I wanted and how I wanted it that I would sometimes run right over her feelings and lead us into another fight before realizing what was happening. I felt bad because I didn’t want her to be frustrated or fed up. I was madly in love with her.
I motioned to her that I wanted to make love and not have sex with her. Important difference. She said okay. She actually used up her two sentences very quickly in attempting to convince me to say more words. I didn’t budge.
I laid her down and slowly took off her clothes. Kissing her softness along the way. There was something about loving this woman, it was easy. Even through all the things we had been through, there was no one else I would rather love. I took off her panties and lowered myself on her pink. It was a very direct approach. I slurped my tongue into her wet pink and slowly began to suck on her clit. It was warm, even hotter when I allowed my tongue to go inside of her to feel her walls. Both her hands were on my head directing it along the tracks. I was getting my beard covered in her wetness and it felt good. I didn’t spend too much time down there, I came up. For a brief moment, I stopped and looked into her eyes. I just could not imagine being any other place but in the back of this car with her. I hated the car, my blue Nissan Sentra that was starting to fall apart but I loved her and I loved the space we occupied. It was all I needed.
I could feel her breathing pick up pace as I lowered my member into her. Slow thrusts until my entire shaft was covered in her wetness. I held her close with my right hand behind her back for support and my left hand on the fogged window. It was hot, steamy and sweaty. The thrusts were not fast; deep but not fast. Controlled and gently paced, I could hear her moans travel through my ears and into the empty parking lot as it sailed and faded before reaching the residential homes behind us. I could feel her wetness begin to touch my balls as they gently slammed into her. Deeper and deeper, I ploughed. She dug her hands into my ass and squeezed tight pushing my hard package into her. Her right leg placed on the back of the passenger seat, her sandal had fallen while that on the other leg stayed high along with the leg on the back seat. My name was not mentioned but I could hear her loud and clear. I could feel a reconnection between us. I could feel her heartbeat on my chest as her right fingers dug into my back. It was not a matter of how much I loved her but more of how much I was connected to her. The pace never changed. It was like our body parts carried the message of the heart through each other. We held on to each other, tight. It was the safest place.
I remember we finished and lay there on top of each other. Looking out of my moon roof, talking about our journey. It was beyond a doubt that I wanted to be with this woman. I lay there and wandered if there was anything that could break us without us letting it. She was my one true love. She was my only love. I had so many names for her to ensure that she remembered she ruled my heart.
On my chest she laid, peacefully and slowly starting to fall asleep like I was and then it happened, in the dark of the empty parking lot, it happened.
We heard a knock on the glass.
It was the police and we were both naked…
I was confident that he was going to write us a ticket for indecent exposure or something but he asked for our ID’s and checked them.
Returning the cards back to us as we had rushed to put our clothes on
“It’s not safe out here”
We thanked our stars and rushed into the car. I drove slowly to her house whilst holding her hand. I glanced over a few times to her and still said nothing. I pulled up in front of her apartment. She stepped out and I did too. I walked around the car and hugged her. Wrapping her in my arms, I whispered in her ears my only two sentences
“I love you, mami”
She pulled back and looked up at me from her 5’5 place, into my eyes she searched as if to validate the apology. I leaned in and kissed her. I was sorry and she knew it. I hugged her tighter and let go to walk to my car.
She yelled into the night as I drove off. I had the biggest smile on my face. I was in love. I knew I was in love with that woman. My heart was hers.
. . . . . . .
Those were the memories we shared. That man and that woman had disappeared; gone. We had changed. Life had changed us and we had no means of making it stop.
It had been a long and draining day and I just wanted to go home and relax. I was pulling into the driveway when I remembered that we were supposed to be having dinner with Sophie and her family.
I was too tired but I was willing to do it for her. I just wanted to go to bed but I walked into the house. She was sitting down on the floor. She didn’t even acknowledge my entrance.
“Jae, how are you?”
Silence. She said nothing and took another sip from her glass. It was filled with win and there were not just one but two bottles sitting next to her.
“You’re not going to answer me? How much have you had to drink?”
I began to get angry.
I knew this. I knew this mood. I knew what this meant. This usually happened when she had been thinking a lot and wanted to get out of her head. But it wasn’t always civilized. Sometimes she would get stupid drunk and attack me emotionally with words and sometime physically.
I walked closer to her and bent down to pick up one of the bottles.
“Put it down!”
She snarled at me as she charged up at me. She stumbled as she found her feet. It was empty and she was drunk.
“Calm down baby”
I tried to lead her to the couch.
“No! No! Nooooo!!! Don’t tell me to calm ,… down..sShhh. That’s how you’ll go and marry someone else! No! Not happening! Put a fucking baby in me Marcel!!!!”
I was already at my limit; tired and frustrated. I didn’t know when I snapped back and said
“I did! 3 times already! Not my fault they never stayed!”
I looked at her. Her eyes cleared. There was a deafening silence as her heart shattered. I knew I had messed up as the words left my mouth. Fuck!
Without saying a word, she headed for the bedroom. I turned around and picked up my briefcase and my coat. I walked out of the house and into my car.
About 30minutes later, I was letting myself into my room. I sat on the perfectly laid bed and stared at the in house menu. I had no appetite but I knew I had to eat as I hadn’t all day. I reached for the phone and placed my order. Dropping the phone, I sat back on the bed and stared at the fridge while my mind raced.
“How did I get here? How did I become this guy?”
I thought to myself and then I was covered in anger and disappointment. I got up and emptied the mini bar in my fridge into my system. I was now buzzed. I was heading to my bed to lay down when I heard a knock on the door. I stopped in my tracks and stared at the door for a bit while my body tried to stay still.
I made my way to the door and slowly opened it. It was Cynthia.
“What took you so long?”
She asked as she pushed me into the room. She came up close to me and gently whispered.
“Did you miss me?”
I said yes as I lay on the bed and she climbed on me…. I placed my hands on her catching a short view of my wedding ring… Sigh.
It all got hot, really hot, really fast.
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⟹ ⟹ ⟹ PLAY THE SONG BEFORE READING. START THE SONG FIRST.
One by Ed Sheeran
It had been a couple of hours of trying to make sense of the entire thing when Sam showed up with some food. I was still angry and confused but Sam had one rule, no matter what was going on, I still had to eat. She had stopped by her house and brought some rice, smoked turkey and some “aya mase” stew. The plantain was part of the accompanying party; even death could not make me play with that. Looking frustrated like a kid who did not want to eat their vegetables, she forced me to eat. About 20 minutes later my nostrils were blazing, heat burning through my stomach and I was still angry.
“Okay, now tell me what happened. Again”
She said in her usual calm voice.
“Can you believe that bastard? My useless uncle Dele, impregnated my mother and then killed her!”
I raged out of the blocks.
“He did it! I know he did it!”
I continued physically showing signs of aggravation and anger as I clenched my fists together.
“Look at the papers”
I pointed at the sheets lying on the bed.
“She was transferring monies to him for God knows what and he was also in town the day she went for her appointment at the doctors. Why?! What was he doing there? And then he goes with them on vacation and then all of a sudden, they turn up dead and they are fine?!
No Sam! He did it!”
“Are you sure baby? That sounds like a lot to accuse someone of babe.”
Sam began with. I knew it was going to annoy me. A frown came across my face as she spoke.
“Why don’t you let the detective know what you have found and then let him do his job and find out the truth”
She was such a voice of reason for me but it was so annoying that she was telling me what I needed to hear and not what I wanted. Ugh!
“But…. I know….”
She placed her hand over my lip and walked me slowly backwards to the bed.
“Come and get some rest my king, it has been an intense and long day. You need some rest”
I gently sat on the bed as she kissed my still burning lips.
I lay on my back thinking about everything. She lay next to me. Her head on the right side of my chest; I ran my hand down her hair. I was still confused but she made sense. She was the only thing in my life that made sense.
. . . . . .
I slowly turned over and stretched out my body. I rolled within the sheets for a bit. Twisting and turning, my mind trying to ignore the reality of time that awaited me outside my closed eyes.
I stopped turning and lay still, my eyes still closed, I could hear the clock ticking outside my heart…
“Tick…. Tick… Tick”
In the focus of that I realized that I was alone in bed. I had fallen asleep with Sam firmly draining the blood out of my right arm as her decent sized head camped on it all through the night. I had watched her sleep with her mouth slightly ajar and her drooling out. She was a beautiful woman, even in her sleep but her drooling was something I still marveled at. Even “perfect” beings have
I had been in my thoughts for roughly about 5 minutes and I finally decided to open my eyes. I opened my eyes and the sunbeams invited themselves into my room and onto my face. It was warm. I turned around and to my back on the left side of my bed; I glanced at the alarm clock. Set 15 minutes ahead of what the actual time was, it read 12:18pm.
I muttered as I ran my hand over my head. I had clearly over slept. Oh well, I got up and grabbed my phone. A few people had texted me. Sam also texted to wish me a good morning and asked me to call her to update her later;
“Good morning my love, I am writing this message standing over you right now. Not like crazy eyes from OITNB but with watchful loving eyes. I just planted soft kisses all over your handsome bearded face. You look like a warrior that just won a grueling battle or when you’ve passed out from me sucking your dick dry after you’ve cum. Lol. Okay, okay sorry I brought that up. Olowo ori mi, I just want you to know that no matter what you decide to do, I’ll be by you 200% as always. Don’t forget that. Please call me when you wake up or after you speak to the detective. I love you mucho mucho grande. If you wake up in time, I made some eggs, they are covered in the microwave. I know how much you hate stale or cold food. Make sure you eat, or you’ll catch these hands!”
I smiled and sat up. Damn, I had slept for a cool minute or more like hours. I had been so tired. Work and life had managed to drain me out. I needed all that sleep after an emotionally draining day. I pulled up my phone and dialed his number; detective. Sigh.
The conversation was very similar to the one I had with Sam. He listened while I blabbed and then he said,
“I will be in Dallas tomorrow afternoon. We have some leads on our end too and I have some action to take care of over there.”
“I will be there too.”
I said, beginning to head for my computer to book the next flight. I was ready to go down there and witness the evil man that murdered my parents go down.
I hung up the phone and texted Sam about the plans. I was going to take the next 5 days off. She only needed to take off 1 working day as it was already Thursday. She responded with a simple,
Rushed packing and close to a thousand dollars later; tickets booked. We were leaving that night. I called up my supervisor and told her I had a family emergency to attend to out of state and I would be gone. I packed up all the letters and papers on the floor and dumped them into a garbage bag. I packed the full garbage bag into a suitcase of it’s own and continued packing. It was almost 8pm and we had a 10:05pm flight to catch. I hated being late so you can imagine how I felt sitting in front of my condo leaning on my car and Sam still hadn’t shown up.
I was texting on my phone when Sam pulled up.
“Baby, I’m sooooooo sorry. It was my best friend that held me up, that’s why I’m late.”
I rolled my eyes and sternly said,
I only ever called her by her “Nigerian” name when she had done something really bad.
She looked up at me and didn’t respond. She had those eyes, those “forgive me right now I’m a baby girl eyes”. I couldn’t help it.
“Just enter the car and let’s go!”
I had checked in online and all I really needed to do was drop off my car at the airport-parking garage.
The check-in process was smooth. It was about 10:11pm when I glanced at my watch sitting on the window seat of the plane. I hated looking out the window while flying, it made me want to throw up but I also loved watching the takeoff and landing. That’s why I religiously picked that seat for all my flights. Minutes later we were taking off and I looked out the window, I must have stared too long as I began to have motion sickness. I closed the window and leaned back in my seat. I glanced at Samantha who was already reading an article for work. I reached for my wallet and looked at the picture of my parents to ensure that I had it in there. A deep sadness covered my heart. I took in a deep breath and sighed heavily; I was going to fight for the justice in whatever way I had to.
The heat hit me as we walked out of the DFW airport. I was tired but ready to go. These next few days would be eye opening and I had to be ready. We were sitting down outside the airport waiting for my cousin to come and pick us up. It just seemed like everyone wanted to make me wait that day. It had been 30 minutes and no sign of her, so I called up her phone. She answered at the second ring and told me that she wasn’t the one coming to get us. I was still trying to figure it all out when Sam drew my attention to a car that pulled up behind me. I turned around and thought to myself,
“What the heck man?!”
“What was he doing here? Was he trying to die?!”
Sam, knowing how my temper can fly off the handle sometimes, immediately walked up to me and placed her hands around me.
“Calm down and talk baby she continued to say”
I was heated and ready to pop off. This man killed my parents and then thought it was okay to come here? Is he mad?
I finally spoke…
“I am not getting in that car”
I said to my uncle, now standing out of the car. He looked at me calmly and said,
“Femi, the police department already called and spoke to me to today. I know what you think and how you feel but I would not have come here if I was guilty. Please sit in the car and let me explain and I will tell you all that I know. If after that you still want to leave, that is fine.”
I shook my head in disapproval and he continued to talk. Sam finally said, in a whispering voice,
“Just hear him out babe, we can even leave our bags outside the car”
Sigh. She just always made sense. We left our bags next to the car, curbside to the airport door and sat in the car. I sat in the front and Sam in the back directly behind me.
“Femi, I know you know about your mom and I.”
My uncle started and then he continued on to say,
“But I want you to know that I would have never killed her. I loved her and truly wanted to care for her and out baby.”
I felt like he thought this was meant to make me feel better but it actually served to annoy me. Sam placed her right hand on my shoulder and slowly rubbed it in a motion to calm me down.
My uncle continued;
“I don’t have all the answers but that woman was carrying my child and to me, that meant something so I would never harm her or your father in that way. “
He then went on to say something that resonated with me and changed the direction of my thought; a Yoruba proverb from our homeland;
“Kokoro ton je efo, idi efo lo wa”
Which essentially means,
“The enemy/root of your problems are closer than you think”
Then he asked,
“Would you be staying with us at the house tonight or do you have hotel reservations somewhere?”
Sam responded from the back seat,
“Uncle we’ll stay at the house”
He started the car and began driving. I said nothing; staring out the windshield my brain was running in all different kinds of ways. I was now more confused than ever. What did he mean? What was going on? What the bloody fuck was going on?!
. . . . . .
Shots on Shots | Ice Prince and Sarkodie
Our bodies were off by a few hours but we woke up around 1pm after getting home that morning from the airport at about 6am. I had spent most of those hours lying in what used to be my room and staring out the window trying to understand what my uncle meant. Sam had woken up in the middle of the night and left the room for a period of time. I thought I might have been snoring or something, it made no sense to me at the time.
I hadn’t taken a shower when my uncle called out for me to come downstairs. Walking down the stairs to the living room, Sam closely behind me, I noticed Det. Rosen sitting on the couch. He stood up and shook my hand. I sat down across from my uncle with the detective to my left side.
He began talking;
“We have been investigating what was originally ruled as an accident but was actually the murder or your relations. Some of the evidence we gathered has led us to believe that we have a few more questions to ask. The evidence on ground shows that someone in your room (he pointed towards my uncle) during the vacation used their key card to leave the room during the middle of the night before the incident. So at this point, we are here to take you and your wife in for further questioning and continue to investigate the case”
My uncle looked on ahead; flat and unmoved like he saw all this coming and in many ways, he did. All my uncle said as the detective placed him under arrest was,
“Femi, find the truth.”
I was standing with Sam holding on to my left arm looking really sad. As the detective walked my uncle to the second living room, towards the main door. We heard the key, someone opening the door from the other side. It was my aunt.
“What is going on here?”
She asked with a confused look on her face. I began to try to explain and then she put her hand up as it to shut me up.
“Officer, you have the wrong person”
She said as dropped her bags on the floor and sat upright, her back up against the wall.
“I did it.”
Those were the first words out of her mouth in her seated position. I was shocked. Just like everyone in the room.She then went on a long confessional where everyone stopped and was silent in awe and disbelief.
“I am tired of all the lies and the sneaking around and playing dumb. Dele, I knew you were sleeping with my sister a full year before she died. After all we went through Dele, everything! My own sister?! Chai! Chai! Chai! Dele!!! There is God o.
Anyway, all those “research trips” you were taking out to Dallas when we still lived in California. I knew it was to sleep with her. And you left me with your kids. I was crushed. And my sister had always taken from me since we were kids. She always got all the men, all the boys that I liked, she had them because they thought she was prettier. She rejected one guy that wanted her and then he came to me. Of course I fell for him. I did everything for him. And then I got pregnant… 23 and pregnant. I could not keep the baby because I knew our father would kill me. So I devised a plan. It had come to my attention from one of my sister’s ex friends that she had damaged her womb and could not have children. So I suggested that she and I should run to the US from Nigeria and I would have the baby and give it to her. So she could call it her own…”
She paused as she was getting teary eyed. Everyone was still glued in their standing positions.
“Your “father”, her husband, never knew. She planned that part well and he always thought you were his. Femi, you are that child. You are my son…”
Those words cut through me. I felt like I was stabbed in my gut. There was no way. I felt winded and took a step back to reaffirm my stance. “What The FUCK MANNNN?”
She continued as my uncle’s face remained covered in calm. He knew all of this. My mother had told him.
“Femi, I brought you into this world and gave you to my sister because at the time, I knew I could not raise a son. I just couldn’t. And I knew she needed a child. I did that for my sister. I gave her the greatest gift one could; life. And she selfishly took away my happiness. Taking money from our business and giving it to the worthless piece of shit called a man here (she pointed at my uncle). I had silently watched the two of them play everyone like fools without saying anything but I couldn’t take it anymore. The night in Hawaii, we were drinking and I offered her something and she said no. She and my husband left the pool side for a while and I knew what they were off doing. I don’t know what came over me that night when I went and tampered with the brakes. I really didn’t want to kill them. I just wanted her to be scared off him from the trauma of a minor accident. The next morning when Dele tried to go and join them to go sightseeing, I stopped him because of the risk. He knew nothing at the time; only if anything.
My sister took from me after all I had given her. She was always taking from me. I had to take some power back. I am sorry I hurt her. I am sorry I hurt you. I am so sorry…”
She was now wailing, streams of tears rushed down her cheeks. The detective took the hand cuffs off my uncle and began reading the Miranda rights to my aunt as he began to cuff her. She didn’t fight back. She was sobbing and silent.
I was now in full flow of tears. Trying to process it all, I had my hands on my knees in a bent position and then I looked up and said,
“Did you know she was pregnant?”
My aunt’s eyes grew bigger and now she began to wail and cry.
“She was finally going to have one of her own and you took that away from her. The woman that raised me and an innocent man, you killed. You are evil and I never hope to see you again, I hope you rot and die behind bars. I will never forgive you!“
She was in full tears and really sobbing when she began to yell out,
“My stomach… My stomach…”
“She is lying!”
I yelled out as confusion broke out. The detective trying to make out the situation and my uncle attempting to help her, they both looked at me to help and I stepped back even further. I was not going to save her.
“You’re a doctor, aren’t you? You took an oath…”
The detective yelled out as they lay my aunt on the ground. I pointed to my uncle and told him to call 911. I held her head up and figured she was having a reaction to something in her stomach. I stabilized her as I heard the sirens of the ambulance. I stood up and walked away from her body as she was carried away and the detective followed. He asked Sam and my uncle to help and they headed to the hospital.
What just happened? I thought to myself. My mother had just confessed to killing the woman I had called mother all these years. I had been living a lie. I was the product of deceit. I was feeling crushed inside. And she had just been carried out for something that looked like a poison reaction. What was happening? My mind flashed and pieced it together. Sam!
She was in the medical field and would know the “right” compounds to fix or throw together to create something that could hurt my aunt. Shit!
I was sitting next to my aunt’s items and noticed her water bottle for her Herbalife smoothies. I opened it and sniffed it. I was right. It smelled of chemicals. The kind you would only spot if you were in the medical field.
“Why did Sam do this?”
“I’m the doctor though. When they pump her stomach and test it, they will think it was me and I have all the motive”
Fuck! I wanted to run but what was the point.
The house was empty and I felt just like I did on the evening of my parent’s funeral, only now I was alone. The feeling truly caught up to me. Tears streamed down my eyes for over a full hour. Why didn’t Sam stay with me? It made no sense.I heard a knock on the door. I looked up at the door and didn’t respond.Another knock and then the door opened. It was the detective and I had an idea of why he was there.
“Mr Femi Rilwan, you are under arrest for the attempted murder of…”
his voice tailed off as the tears slowly rolled down my face as he placed the handcuffs behind my back. I wasn’t even hearing what he was saying even though I knew he was talking. There was a hollow depth in my heart as my heart rate slowed dramatically. He walked me out of the house towards his waiting car. Opening the door, he bent my head as I sat in the back seat, I thought to myself. Through the web of lies, deceit, infidelity and pain that all the people involved went through with me, I never truly understood what it felt like to be a “home”. There I was in the back of the cop car in front of my own parent’s home; trapped in my own hands and this time for real, I had absolutely no one. And I could be going down for something I didn’t do. The detective was walking around the car when Sam walked up to him. She stood very close to him and said something. Something I still do not know till this day.
She walked around the car and he opened the door. She stretched out her hand and held my chin in her hand.
I stepped out the car and he removed the cuffs from my hand. I gave Sam a big hug and whispered to her.
“I love you.”
She didn’t respond. She just clutched me tighter as tears streamed down her eyes. He gently shook the cuffs in his hands. I looked down at his hands. Sigh.
Say it with me y’all…. “What The Heck Man!!!!!”
Fin! Wait! Wait! Wait! Hold on to that feeling and let me know how you felt about this series Empty. I’d love to know.
Also, NO ONE got the actual story I wanted to start running on the poll from next week but most wanted Secrets so much…. Sooooooo… I will be releasing Secrets Part 1, next Saturday. In the meantime, please listen to a preview if what to expect. And like always, please let me know what you think!
Fuck You by @adewus4real
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⟹ ⟹ ⟹ PLAY THE SONG BEFORE READING. START THE SONG FIRST.
Money on My Mind (Unplugged) – Sam Smith
I sat there with a confused look on my face trying to understand what was happening.
I read the letter over again. Same outcome; shock
Many thoughts were racing through my head from the fact that she wrote me a letter instead of calling me to the idea that I grew up in that home and I truly did not want to lose it. Why was she making such decisions with the heir to the estate?
My parents had willed their businesses to me; my father’s was in the process of being sold and my mother’s was jointly owned by her sister. The house while not willed to me, was meant to be sold and half the money given to me and half from the sale reinvested into my mother’s business. This was changing the plan and I was not comfortable with that.
I picked up my phone and dialed my aunt’s number. Midway through, I realized that she might have been at work and I probably wouldn’t have answered. The phone was on it’s 4th ring when someone on the other end picked up, it was my aunt.
“Good afternoon aunty”
I said trying to contain my evident frustration.
“Femi ba wo ni?”
She responded as she asked about my well being
“I was just calling to let you know I got your letter and I was wondering what it was about”
My disgust has somewhat seeped into my tone now
“Oh your uncle and I have had the house on the market since your parents passed but have gotten very little responses back. I just figured we should move in here instead of paying two mortgages and trying to sell ours instead”
She explained going on
“We’ll put our house on the market and then move to Dallas. Home sales in California are easier at the moment and then we’ll buy this one outright”
Some form of calm began to set into my breathing
“Oh okay, I responded. Well, that makes sense then but someone should have told me aunty. I was just here wondering what was going on. Being far away doesn’t make it easy to stay on top of things”
I explained trying to claw my way back from extreme irritation. She understood, I think but it seemed as she felt like I only thought she had money on her mind and not doing it for the best interest of me, the family and the company. The plan actually made some sense because sales in California were actually on the rise but not so much in Dallas. I was skeptical about doing the sale of the home to family but my mother and my aunt had been in business for many years without complain on either side. I reserved my fear and somewhat allowed some hope to take over. This might actually work I repeatedly preached to myself. It had to work.
. . . . . .
It was a blessing to have Samantha in my life through losing my parents and the house fiasco. She was continuously such a rock for me and I was extremely grateful. I remember how we both had to break into her new apartment because she had forgotten her keys on the kitchen sink inside. Breaking and entering your own property. That was the kind of stuff Sam and I go into.
It was the evening of her house warming party. My body was still sore from the move a few days prior. She had so much shit. Way too many clothes and shoes, I could not believe someone was allowed to have that many shoes. She had enough shoes for the entire cast of Happy Feet African edition. I was just proud of her as I scoped the place one last time as I walked up the stairs and turned the corner.
There she was getting ready for her house warming party. Standing in front of the mirror with all her makeup scattered all over the sink. She stood there with her round butt cheeks hanging out of her black lace panties. I stood behind her wanting to devour her. She wouldn’t let me.
Before she put her lip stick on, I came up behind her and stood on her right side. Moving her hair out of the way, I gently placed my soft lips on her neck while I placed my hands on her waist. She knew what I was trying to do but did little to fight back. I continued kissing down her neck to the front of her chest. I turned and stood in front of her now backing the mirror, I pulled her in closer and wrapped my hand around her tighter. I was now kissing the front of her neck with her head kicked back. She was biting her lip while clutching one of her makeup brushes in her hand to ensure it didn’t stand my white shirt. I placed my large right hand on her left butt cheek and squeezed it tight while sliding my index finger over her clit in an attempt to get her wet quicker. She smiled and slowly pulled back
“People are here back and the rest will be here soooooon”
She moaned as I continued to kiss her
“I don’t care.”
I responded with authority.
“Babe, babe…. Babeee… stoop. They’ll be here soon. I promise once everyone leaves. I’m all yours.”
I let go of her and sat back on the sink looking dejected like a kid who was just told he won’t be seeing Santa that year. Every guy knows that moment when your woman clearly can give it to you but she decides against it. Soooo annoying!
I walked out of there shrugging like I didn’t care. She pulled me back and planted a wet kiss on my lips and then pushed me out with a smile on her face saying
“Stop being a spoiled brat!”
I smiled again like a little kid just finally allowed into the circle and walked out.
Good Kisser – Usher
Friends and some of her family began to arrive shortly after and the party was taking off. I held my spot by the sound system and kept the music coming. There were Hors D’oeuvres, some rice as you know Africans must always have at their gatherings and a couple of giant tubs of ice cream. Alcohol was constantly flowing the entire night as I watched Sam weave her way through a happy crowd as she gave tour after tour of her new place. It had been rumored around the office that the hospital we worked at, had tabled an offer to her but she was already some way into the transition to working at another hospital. I was glad.
Samantha was so good at everything that she did, that she definitely deserved to be given the opportunity that she was getting to spearhead the new child development research unit alongside one of the finest child psychologists around. She would dictate her hours and her pay was very handsome. The possibility of us having different schedules that enabled us to spend more time together was very attractive to us. It was at this stage of our relationship that it became clear to me that Samantha really valued me when she asked for my in depth opinion regarding the switch. Should she stay put where she was loved and known or embark on ground breaking worth that would be rewarding for years to come? I couldn’t be more proud of her as I watched her finish up another tour of the “den” area in her new place. She smiled as she caught me staring at her from the corner of my eyes. I got butterflies when I looked at her. She truly was magical. Her chocolate skin with her beautiful soft lips and her big bold eyes, I just wanted to cradle and squeeze her at every chance I got.
The “den” was big. She called it a “den” but I would eventually convince her to start calling it the “hut”. Sam in her thoughtfulness had turned it into my area of the house because she realized how much I was still dealing with the recent sale of my home. Some of my childhood pictures hung up on the wall and there was a big flat screen TV in there to watch my sports games. I swear, how could you not love a woman like that?
“Hey dj, can you play my song?”
I heard someone say in a sexy voice as their tongue licked my ear. Startled, I looked down at the 5’6 person and there Sam was. Clutching on to me with her hands around my mid riff, I could tell she was a bit buzzed.
I smiled and said
“Babe, you good?”
“I’m fine baby”
She responded swaying her head and smiling back at me as if to convince me. She was clearly starting to get drunk and I knew her horny side was soon come to fore. She slid her right hand down and grabbed my package in her hand. Looking around to make sure nobody was watching, I smiled and pushed her hand away
“I want you. Now.”
was all she said. I knew what I had to do next. I raised my hand up and motioned to my friend Nana, the black wonder from Ghana to come and take over the dj-ing duties. Sam and I waved our way through the dancing people in her living room and made our way into the bathroom. I lifted her up and sat her on the sink. Sliding her dress up, I began to kiss her hard. I had been made to wait hours and I wanted her right then. I was about to start taking off her underwear when we heard a knock on the door.
I cursed under my breath.
I thought to myself as I stood in the corner and Sam opened the door to find out who it was. It was Miriam her best friend. I rolled my eyes as Sam tried her best to quickly dispose of her best friend who was just was even more under the influence than we were. Sam turned around to look at me sitting on the sink with an irritated look on my face. She immediately went into her “turn off” mode. It was the one where if I was being to aggressive, pushy for sex or said the wrong thing, Sam would fold into her shell and begin to act upset and then eventually, no sex for my horny ass.
I wasn’t about to let that happen this time, I pulled her close. Tight. I lifted her up and sat her on me with her knees on the sink, I pulled up her dress and parted her panties. Sticking my index finger quickly into her soaking wetness, she had no time to respond. I began to work it inside her. There was a certain level of pleasure I loved to get Sam to when we had sex and I was trying to beat that today. I was in for a shocker though. I continued kissing her as she moaned into my mouth. She was getting louder and louder as my finger got deeper. I slapped on the handle for the faucet and turned it on. Water running and the music blasting, I hoped it would be enough to drown out her moans. On to her fresh carpets she pulled me as we both made our way down. She didn’t want my tongue to feast on her; she just wanted my hard member inside of her. I rushed to pull off my pants as she looked up to me patiently and waited for me to enter into her. I lowered myself while positioning my now rock hard package as it slid into her. With a slow thrust, I allowed her flowing juices engulf my throbbing dick as I felt the heat from her insides warm me up. I clutched her left breast and squeezed as I began to slide in and out of her quicker. She moaned and looked at me like in amazement. There was something about drunken sex for her. It just took her to another level. She placed both her hands on my butt and squeezed pushing for me to thrust deeper into the realms of her gut. I continued as her juices flowed out and covered my balls as they dangled back and forth. This had to be a quick one. We had guests to attend to but the way Sam was holding on to me, I sensed she wanted more and was not going to let me only give her a quickie.
I was beginning to think of ways to pull out of her without her knowing but Sam knew me. She knew how I liked it when she dug her nails deep into my back. She knew how moaning my name
“Femi.. femi.. femi….”
Which translates to “marry me” evoked emotions beyond words in me. I did not know when I continued to thrust deeper. Watching her face, with her mouth wide open and no words coming out, she gasped and moaned with every thrust. I was struggling to not explode inside of her because I knew she wanted more but it was hard. It was wet. So wet. Slippery and hot. Tight. Hot. Did mention, wet? It was dripping. She was dripping. I was dripping covered in sweat and I there I was with the safety ofbirth control behind me, I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I began to cum inside of her with the ugliest facial expressions a man could have. I spurted out my seed as I looked like an man being electrocuted. I hated that face. That cum face but she loved it. I stood up and aimed to clean up. Sam sat up still on the floor and turned me towards her, grabbing my package she stroked it and put it in her mouth. Now there are only few men in the world and I mean very few who can admit that a woman sucking his dick right after ejaculation is not one of the most sensual and embarrassing things that could happen to him. We all begin to squirm like a black person in water for the first time. I had this look of shock on my face. No she was not doing what I thought she was doing. I pushed her off me slowly as I could not take the pleasure coursing through my back. She looked upset as we both put our clothes on. The rest of the party was a blast and we ended up in bed next to each other that night as tired as we were. It was success. Sam was my success.
. . . . .
Something felt off that week. The days were long. I was feeling very edgy and high on caffeine. I did not want to be at work or anywhere around work and it felt like a lot to take in and to compound the problem; I hadn’t seen Sam in a whole week.
I was frustrated. I was sitting in the break room at a little past midnight texting Sam. I can’t remember what she was saying at that time but it was sounding super sexy to me and I was getting turned on. I made sure not to tell her though as she talked. I gently placed my right hand under my scrubs and stroked my shaft that was now rising faster than gas prices. Sam and I hadn’t had sex in almost 3 weeks. Busy schedules coupled with her monthly visitor coming and a short trip to visit her sister, all disrupted “love and care” for me. I asked her to send me some naked pictures so I could take care of something’s on my end. She obliged and agreed that I had been patient enough lately and deserved some. So I waited and about an hour later, I still had not received anything. I was not horny, sexually frustrated and irritated. I was watching a documentary on some new innovative treatment the FDA just approved a few months back on the television and then she texted back saying something along the lines of her changing her mind. I can’t exactly remember how but I immediately snapped and sent a series of extremely mean messages back to her. It was like venting but way meaner. She said nothing back besides “good night”
When I placed my phone back down, I knew I was fucked. I should never have gone off on her. I tucked away phone and slumped in my chair. I had gone from zero to sixty in mere minutes. What was wrong with me? I knew nothing was going to stop her from being mad at me that night, so I went back to work and tried as much as possible to keep her out of my head. That was pretty much impossible. My week had just gone from crappy to extremely useless. I continued to blame myself while I sent her a “good morning” text the next morning. She didn’t respond. I sent 24 unreplied messages to her with no response. I knew I pushed it this time so I planned to stop by her house the next day which was at this point, now two days later.
I arrived at about noon and walked up to the door. I was unlocked and the TV was on. Strange.
I looked down to my right by the pile of shoes and noticed a pair of men’s shoes that looked freshly taken off. I began to walk into the space. I was hearing voices but nothing from the living room. My heart was beginning to race now.
“Was Sam ignoring me the whole day to be with someone else?”
I gathered that the sounds were coming from her bedroom upstairs. I began to make my way up nervously. I was extremely terrified. At the top of the stairs lay men’s underwear and a black blouse. I placed my had over my mouth as I got closer. I was trembling. I placed my hand on the door and in one swoop took a deep breath while saying a prayer to God. I pushed open the door and froze. I couldn’t not believe my eyes, I was stunned and weak in the knees.
“How could this have happened?”
I tried to find the words to speak but nothing came out and then rage consumed me. I slammed the door shut and bolted down the stairs.
“How could they do this?”
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⟹ ⟹ ⟹ PLAY THE SONG BEFORE READING. START THE SONG FIRST.
Stay With Me – Sam Smith
The morning dew elevated off the ground. People standing next to me as I looked up into the sunlight beaming straight on to my face. Down I placed my head; I was standing here in the midst of people… Present but alone.
I could hear their wails as my thoughts prevented them from settling in my head. Tears rolling down my cheeks emerged from behind my sunglasses; I stood there motionless and broken.
They lowered it in and the shovel was handed to me, I stood with it in my right hand. The contrast clear as I stood in my black tailored suit and the shovel in my hand forcing me to look like a construction worker. I tightened my grip and placed my left hand on the shovel and in a digging motion; I dumped the first piece of dirt into the hole. A few minuteslater, final words were said and everyone walked away. People tapping on my shoulders expressing their sadness and condolences; I was glued in my spot.
It was only a matter of minutes and I was all-alone with flowers at the foot of the headstones and my thoughts. A fresh set of tears began to flow down my cheeks once more. I had just placed both best friends in the ground. My entire support system was gone. Both my parents had just been placed in a grave and buried. It is always hoped that the children will bury their parents but never expected at such a young age. I was inconsolable, broken and empty. My world was gone.
. . . . .
There were refreshments for the guests back at my parent’s house. I remember walking in and people still trying to console me. I headed straight for my room upstairs. Stopping by my parent’s room, I took one more look as some of their things had now been stuffed into boxes. I stood there waiting for them to walk in right behind me but they never came. Alone with a house filled with people, my heart ached and I turned back into my room.
My room was completely empty except for the blazer I wore the day before on the bed and my packed bags on the floor. I sat there in the corner of the room with my bags next to me. The room was empty and I just needed to feel present. It felt like I was still in shock. I had gotten the call from my uncle that my parents had been in a ghastly car accident while on vacation in Hawaii. I rushed down from my post in Florida where I was just finishing up my medical program. I had begged them to come on vacation to Miami and they refused. I really just wanted them to be with me. I had just finished a busy work cycle and I could have shown them around and more but they decided it was the Island they wanted to visit.
I played every scenario in my head trying to figure out if I could have been more persuasive and more aggressive in my appeals. I wanted to have one more moment with them. I held my father’s graduation cap in my hand as I sat on the floor remembering why I even went into medical school to begin with. I remember my father being diagnosed with prostate cancer years ago and his fight against it and the toll it took on him and our family. He came out on top but had various scares and I remember as a young lad in college wanting to be there for my family in anyway; medical or otherwise. Now they were gone. And I didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye.
I was snapped out of my thoughts by my uncle who knocked on the door.
“Who is it?”
I said wiping my tears away from my face.
“It’s your uncle Dele”
“Come in uncle”
I responded as I cleared my throat.
He came in and sat on the bed next to me and began with,
“My sincerest condolences Femi, I am truly sorry for your loss and that of this family. To lose them has really shaken us. I hope you are okay and I just wanted you to know that we love you and will support you in whatever way possible.”
“Thank you uncle.I appreciate it”
I said shaking his hand and standing to my feet. I picked my bags up and placed my jacket over my left forearm. Walking out of the room behind my uncle and scanning the house once more as I walked out. I was leaving behind my childhood and youth. My sadness could not have been put into words but it was evident that I was lonely.
Uncle Dele’s wife, my mom’s younger sister, came up to me and gave me a big hug whispering in my ear to always call and keep in touch. I did not hug her back. I did not trust her. It was still unexplained to me that my parents were on a vacation with them and it was only my parents that were involved in a suspicious accident. I felt like she had a hand in it. I didn’t know yet but I was going to find out especially as she was joint owners with my mother in her ceramics company. I walked to my car and placed my bags in the trunk. As I walked around the car, I scanned the neighborhood I grew up in. I sat in the driver’s seat and looked at my boarding pass. I had a flight to catch and I still had to return this rental car. DFW to FLL it read, I wanted to leave now. I was leaving behind my life; my parents were never going to see me build my own home.
. . . . . .
Give Me Love – Ed Sheeran
It had been 7 months since my parent’s funeral and I still had no answers as to what I wanted to do with my life and myself. I was functioning at about 65% of happiness. Many nights feeling alone and lost. In the blink of an eye, life had orphaned me. I couldn’t speak to anything to change my state. I pushed myself to brink by pulling myself away from the world. Alone in my room I would on cry many nights wishing there was a way I could get them back, even if it was for a few minutes but I got nothing.
Samantha and I had been dating for a few months, she was in many ways part of my recovery package. She made me feel whole. Sam as I called her, was one of the interns in the hospital and I met her when I was helping out another department during one of those late night shifts. She was patient and loved what I was and what I stood for. It was the little things she did that made me feel loved. Like when she cooked for me or showed particular attention to my drawings that I did for fun. Whenever I felt down and I wanted to hide or push her away, she would get stronger and stand her ground and be my backbone. I was falling harder and harder for this girl even though I was trying to do everything to push her away. I did not want to love and then be left hurt. I wasn’t going to love and then be abandoned or let life take someone I loved again.
Due to the long hours I worked at the hospital, the best time and only free time I had almost always seemed to clash with the time that Sam was working. Most of our dates were in scrubs and grabbing dinners from the hospital deli. But being close to her caused us to get to know each other better faster. I was attracted to her resilience in ensuring that I did not remain depressed. She never called me needy or showed that my hurt overwhelmed her. She sat there and really just wanted to work magic in my life, she was magic. I remember one evening about 3 months into dating her, she texted me that she was in the break room and she wanted to have sex right then!
It was the spontaneity that she exuded that caused me to be continuously drawn to her. I just wanted to be around her. I was wrapping up with a client when the text came through. I quickly glanced at it and prepared to dash out of the room. Ms Jacobs laughed one more time holding on to my forearm as she prepared to be discharged. I really just wanted to be out of there like I had places to be. I signed the final paperwork with the nurse and darted out. I remember somebody trying to stop me for something in the lobby by the nurses’ desk. I ran right past them, heading for the elevator door. I stood in front of it impatiently waiting for it to climb the four floors from the ground up. I had two more floors to go up to. Pressing it, it opened up and an older man, a patient stood right in front of me with a face guard on probably to protect himself from something. As we know, hospitals can be infectious too. I hopped in the elevator and asked,
“Up or down?”
He pointed up. Pressing the sixth floor, the door slowly closed and I looked at myself from top to bottom making sure that I looked okay andwasn’t covered in some odd liquid or something. At the sixth floor I hopped out, smiled at the man and turned around heading for the break room. I just needed to get through because my body could no longer contain the excitement and the pressure that was rising between my legs. I arrived at the break room and found that the door was locked as per our plan. Samantha had locked the door to prevent anybody else from coming in. As it was a shared break room if anyone had come in, we would have been stuck. Getting someone out of the break room was so much harder, so it was better to have the door closed. She opened the door and I let myself in closing the door behind me.
“How are you doing baby?”
I asked without giving her time to talk. I snatched her up off the ground and carried her, pinning her against the wall with her legs in my hands. I looked at her and scanned her chest downwards and planted a kiss on her lips. It was absolutely quiet and the only noise heard was that of our lips smacking on each other. I didn’t want to hear anything else or see anybody else. I could feel the stethoscope around my neck searching for my heightening pulse or my heartbeat I should say. It was throbbing as my body geared for the things it wanted to do. I pulled off her lab coat; dropping it to the floor it revealed her scrubs. We looked pretty much identical in what we were wearing even though I was a doctor and she was only interning. I wanted to rip her scrubs but I knew she had to walk out of the room. So I slowly asked her to remove her shirt, which she did whilst hanging mid-air in my arms. Her breasts emerged; looking like the perfect set I just wanted a piece of it. Immediately I began to work my tongue on the corner of the bra searching for her nipples. She began to moan. I wasn’t even where I wanted to be yet and she was already moaning. Down south, all I could remember was my hard package rising harder between my legs and all I wanted to do was stick it inside. I wanted to stick it deep inside her. I wanted her to feel it in her gut. I wanted her to feel every detail of every inch of my member inside her. All my body wanted to do was connect with hers. I wanted to drive her wild and I was going to do it in that room. I walked her over to the couch in the break room and sat her down on it. In the same swift motion, I pulled her pants down while she removed my stethoscope. I was semi dressed and only in my pants with my hard member erect and pointing at her. She placed her right hand on it and licked her lips. A smile on her face as if to say,
“I can’t wait for this to be inside of me”
She continued to stroke it. I dropped back to my knees and parted her legs. I could see her starting to drip slowly. I licked my lips and she slightly shook. Going down I placed my tongue on her pink. It was wet and I was hungry. Without warning my tongue began to flicker in this crazy zigzag motion from left to right. Slow to begin with and then picking up the pace. I could see her with her hands wide apart grabbing onto the material of the couch. Her knees snapped back and forth as her toes curled. She tried to force her legs to close, clamping my head between her legs. It became a struggle to breathe but I was going to lick every bit of juice from her, till I got every single drop. Looking at me while I glanced up at her, she seemed to look at me with this look of injustice; as if I did something that she didn’t want me to do when in actual fact she wanted me to do it but didn’t know it would be of that much pleasure. I was having the time of my life. Making the woman I was falling for go “crazy” was just perfect. I could not imagine that feeling being given to her by someone else.
So there I was parting her lower lips with my tongue and sticking it inside her. It seemed to awaken something because at that point, she would not let me continue to feast on her with my tongue because now she wanted me to stick my now super hard and waiting package deep inside her tight wetness. So I straightened up gently and on my knees, I slowly slid into her. Wet. Slippery. Soaking. Hot. Tight. Wet. For a quick second, I had to contain myself because every guy would agree with me that going in too fast can mess up your entire routine. You then find yourself looking like a minute man; all because you went in too fast, into what is an amazing area of a woman’s body. Kneeling up straight, I positioned myself and took a deep breath and began to pace. Sliding in and out, in and out. On my hairless chest she dug her fingers in, starting to want to scream. The pleasure of the motions with the risk of getting caught drove her over the edge and she became wetter driving so much more excitement through both of us. It was daring, dangerous and fucking hot. It defined our relationship in some regards. We could do it anywhere, anytime and anyhow (ask the staff at the local Subway). This was the woman I could do anything with. All we needed was to make the right eye contact and let our bodies talk and no matter where we were, on a plane, in a train or even behind a drain or in that hospital break room; we made magic.
Refocusing my mind and looking down at her, she ran her right hand across my face, cleaning up the rest of her juices smeared on my chin stuck on my beard and took it into her mouth and licked it. Argh! I felt chills down my spine that travelled all the way to the tip of my member deep inside her. I almost wanted to explode right then but I held it together clinching my butt cheeks together. The pace began to pick up and I turned her over to my favorite position. On her fours pulling her hair, she turned looking back at me as if to beg me to take it easy but I knew that language.
“Take it easy” to me meant “fuck me harder till I cry and make sure I cum on your dick”
I continued my detailed efforts to ensure that all pleasure was given to her and I was not going to explode early. At one point, I had to distract my mind and think about something else because her wetness was so hot, I had to ensure that early ejaculation was off the table. Her wetness gripped me tight with every inch feeling the hot walls deep inside of her. I grabbed hold of her waist with my right hand, pulling her hair back with my left she got louder and moaned,
“babyplease fuck me harder I’m about to cum on your dick”
Thrusting, my balls continued to slam on her clit and then craziest thing happened. There was a knock on the door.
“Who the hell could that be?”
I asked quietly and what were they doing there?
My member still throbbing inside her while she stayed on her fours. We stayed still and panicked wondering if the person had the key to the room and was going to let him or herself in. I heard the person on the other side of the door say to someone down the hall,
“Oh it’s locked.Letsgo tothe other one”
I heard footsteps as they walked away and I began the motion again, sliding in and out reaching for deeper realms in her insides to ensure that we both hit our climax around the same time as soon as possible before we got caught. It was in and out, in and out with control and force. Her juices trickled down and tickled my balls. I was going insane and I knew she was too.
To speed up the process, I shifted my hands squarely on her clit and began to flicker my index finger. She slapped it out of the way and yelled,
I continued to go in and out of her and then she went silent.
Dead silent. She clamped her knees together with both my hands now on her waist. Her toes curled. Right at the moment I was about to cum, I pulled out of her and she began to drip as she came and exploded in the space between her legs on the floor. Liquids mixing on the floor, I slumped on top of her as she turned around and kissed her. We had to get going and get out of there fast. I headed for the cloth to clean up while she dashed into the break room bathroom and emerged a few minutes later. I looked at her and kissed her again. She walked out of the room first after promising to have dinner with me that Saturday night. I sat in the chair as I tried to catch my breath. That was fun. And sitting there, in that dark room my depressed mind began to take over again. Sigh.
. . . . . .
It was 5:21am and I was pouring my coffee into my cup. I was heading to work but I didn’t want to go. I had just returned about 6 hours before and here I was heading out the door again. The struggle I now faced, I worked hard to become a doctor only to slave my life away to the system. I stopped by the mailbox to pick out the mail. It was a big batch of envelopes. I packed them all and shoved them under my left arm while I headed to the hospital down the street.
The day went by relatively smooth and I was only on my third cup of coffee for the day when I sat at my desk to go through my mail. The hospital desk was now my living room. I was about midway through the mail when I noticed a hand written letter from my aunt. I carefully tore open the envelope and read through the contents inside.
I was dumbfounded and confused. The house was meant to be sold and the money given to me. What was happening? What were my aunt and uncle doing? I couldn’t understand it. Only one line stood out to me and that was,
“…. We are moving into my sister’s house”
My mouth wide open, this felt like a threat. She was trying to ruin me. Why would she do this?!
I blurted out,
“What The Heck…”
Empty 2 and Thanks Shoutout!
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My father stood there motionless. Looking like he had been slapped hard by a Mopol officer. I had to ask the question again.
“What happened between…”
Sandra cut me off
“He heard you”
“Then let him answer”
I snapped back as I stood up.
“Jide, it was a long time ago and I’m not proud of it but yes, it did happen.”
As my voice moved through the gears,
“Son, it was in the past and it’s not important”
He looked at me as if to convince me to forgive him instantly.
“You are a disgrace to this family in many ways and I’m embarrassed to be your son!”
I yelled back at him as I stormed out of the house. I wouldn’t speak to my father for another year after that. It just seemed like it was unfair. These men put us in the firing line. I always hoped that I would have one of those family names that I would carry with pride for the great things my father did. This ruined every bit of credibility or respect we had. I was crushed.
I drove to Arewa’s house to inform her of the things I had just found out. I needed to talk to someone I knew could look into my heart and could understand what I was going through.
I pulled up to Arewa’s house and walked in. Sitting in the first living room, I began telling her all I was told and everything my father said. I honestly have played the situation through my head many times but I still cannot understand how it came about that Arewa and I argued before I left her house; single.
The Arewa I knew when overwhelmed would shut down and or run away. It was very hard to take it all in at once and with all that we had gone through recently, she said,
“This is too much. I just need space… I need a break. I don’t want to do this anymore”
I was taken aback; confused and angry.
“What did she mean?!”
We were supposed to stick together. This was a trying time for both of us and she was going to cop out!
I didn’t know when I said
“Good riddance! You and your family can keep all your bullshit. If you’re going to take away my happiness, I don’t need you. Do whatever you want!”
I got up and stormed out!
I was fuming but I knew as those words left my mouth that I didn’t mean them and I was probably going to regret them.
A few months would pass by with Arewa and I on this ego-enforced break. We weren’t speaking to each other. Messages to prick at each other were posted on social media pages to make the other feel uncomfortable. One of the ones she had that really got to me was on a day she posted a status saying “New state of mind. God knows where my heart now is”. I felt like she had begun to move on from me and that struck me. My ego would not allow me to initiate contact though. I missed my Queen but I was too proud to beg for her.
. . . . . .
“Arewa my dear. I know it is difficult at the moment but ask yourself. Do you truly love him? Could you really see yourself with anyone else? Will you be able to wake up years from now not next to him? Even if it takes two full years for things to line out, that man loves you and wants no one but you. Arewa mi, don’t let fear, pressures of the world and hurt cloud your true feelings. He loves you and you obviously love him”
I read the conversation between her and her mom encouraging her to come back to me and let us work things out. We had been through a lot for over a six year span since we first met. I knew she was the love of my life. I knew I needed to put my antics in check and make some grown decisions.
I was sleeping after a long day of errands and basketball when I got a call from a mutual friend informing me that Arewa had confronted Suzie at a friend’s BBQ that they were both invited to. Arewa confronted her and told her to back off me and stop being shallow. Basically referencing the messages from Suzie that I had been showing her.
I let the person finish and then turned back into the bed and went to sleep. I wasn’t going to die fighting someone else’s battles. I appreciated Arewa wanting to protect what was hers but never air out our laundry in public; Never. I went about my business when I woke up from my nap and headed to the gym. I was running back from my workout when I noticed Arewa’s car parked on the street in front of my house. I deeply sighed as I halted in my tracks. I slowly began walking towards her car. The sun rays shinning down behind me and into her windshield, I opened the car door and sat down in the passenger seat.
“I see you’re working hard”
She started with trying to break the awkward silence. This was always how she was trying to play off an awkward situation and eventually failing and making it even more uncomfortable. My heart smiled. She was too cute.
“Just trying to make sure I keep my slim figure”
I responded with a smile on my face.
And in a complete turnaround from the Arewa I knew, she apologized.
“I’m sorry for overreacting and leaving. I know how much you hate that. I love you and I know we have things to work on but I love you and I want to be with you and no one else.”
I was taken aback and frankly shocked for a few seconds. I finally gathered the words and said,
“I’m sorry too and I’ve missed you.”
Truthfully by Brymo
We talked about things ranging from us to our fathers and even Suzie where she explained how she had lost her temper and gone off on Suzie at the BBQ. I wasn’t even going to address that. I told her it was okay and we just needed to move past it all. She agreed. I gave her a kiss on the lips and a long hug. Arewa was back but how much drama was she bringing with her.
I headed out of the car and opened up my gate as Arewa drove off. I stepped into the game and my phone buzzed. I pulled it out and gasped. Arewa had taken her stance and Suzie just dealt her hand, it was going to get bloody.
News within the Nigerian community travels fast something like an uncontrollable wildfire. It was not long before I was receiving texts asking if I was okay. I was horrified at the move that Suzie had taken. Suzie for refreshers was one of the beautiful but crazy and impulsive women. She was the type that her beauty clouded your vision and practically made you stay when you should have left. She had a horrible temper and I knew that the Instagram post she made was not entirely to ruin me, but was done in the heat of the moment and due to her anger. Women like that have continued to terrify me. I had to be able to trust your judgment and temperament when things get tough. I was shocked.
The whole world now knew about my father and Arewa’s father. That single Instagram post deleted a few minutes later was enough to set the ball rolling. All kinds of conclusions and angles were being drawn out. The fact that our fathers publicly hated each other made it harder for some to believe but for the majority of them, it was the main reason they believed it. In my mind, I kept thinking of how ruined I was.
There I was plotting what to do next with Arewa on Skype. We had to stick together through this one and fight through it together. There was silence over the call with the fire alarm dead battery beep the only thing that was interfering with the empty space between us. I told Arewa I was going to call Suzie. She asked if I was sure and I said I was. I picked up the phone and dialed her number.
It rang about 3 times before she picked up.
“What do you want?”
She asked in a rude tone like I was disturbing her.
Arewa heard it over the Skype call and cringed. She looked furious. I took a deep breath and said,
“Suzie, what was that? What were you trying to prove?”
“Nigga! Don’t come at me sideways. Go and talk to your girl. She was the one that came at me first and I responded. I ain’t no bitch! Someone come at me, I’ll hit them back right where it hurts. Fuck that shit!!”
She ranted on as I interrupted her, now highly irritated…
“Suzie, stop coming for me or my woman or I will bury you and your image in this town.”
“Huh? Nigga what? What the fuck you mean?”
She snapped back.
“I will just happen to lose my memory card and I cannot be held responsible for whatever happens to the pictures on there… Don’t fuck with me. I have enough to make sure you never get a day in the sun in this town again. Back off!”
Referring to the naked pictures she had sent me.
Click. She hung up. I looked at Arewa and smiled. She looked at me knowing that was handled. We were a team… Fuck whatever obstacles that might have hit us before. Now that we got back together we were impenetrable.
I ended the Skype call and got ready to head out to a meeting when my phone buzzed.
It was Arewa. Her message read
“When all this is over, I want you to delete all her pictures. Thanks”
I smiled and shook my head. Women sha.
. . . . . .
The Suzie fiasco had blown over a bit. She was no longer a problem. Breaking down one evening, she called Arewa expressing that what she had with me in the time Arewa and I were broken up felt special to her and how she’ hadn’t had someone care about her that much before. I was touched because she was generally a nice person when she wasn’t being a brat or causing trouble. She and I would eventually talk later months down the road where she apologized for the whole thing but it was a “friendly” reminder that men had to always stay woke. But I also always knew that Suzie was not one to take defeat lightly, I didn’t trust her.
My father had moved down to Arizona with his girlfriend. Away from all the drama and shame. Arewa’s father had resigned from his post and was now looking for new ways like most Nigerian men to make money. He was still actively against Arewa and I being together mentioning it whenever he got the opportunity to people close to us. He was out of the limelight; a complete loner of some sorts.
Arewa had completely cut off her father at this point and was not speaking to him at all.
The shame and reproach that he had brought on her and the rest of the family was too much to bear. In true Arewa fashion, he had to go and go he did.
It was through her yearly routine STI and HIV checkup that it was discovered that Arewa’s iron levels in her blood were dangerously low. It was a difficult thing to hear and with the many ways that it could be treated, the doctor asked that a blood transfusion be the most effective method to be adopted. It was scary but that was a simple prospect that could be handled fairly easily with a donor from her mother.
Arewa and I went over to her mother’s house a few days later to jointly ask her for the blood donation. We didn’t even go there together because it was a big deal. We just happened to have been running errands earlier in the day together. We sat next to each other as I explained the situation to her and let her know why we were there.
“So mummy, we really need your help and after the transfusion Arewa should be fine”
I said. Without responding, Arewa’s mother began to cry. Slowly tears streamed down her cheeks through her tiny tribal marks. She began to sob profusely without saying a word. Confused, Arewa ran to her side and placed her left hand around her.
Asking her what’s wrong.
“Mummy, e ba mi soro. Ki lo se le?”
Arewa gently asked her mother wanting to know more with a concerned look on her face.
For long minutes, she continued to cry without saying anything. I was now sitting on her left side asking her what was going on. It was clear she was hurting; hurting from deep inside. We wanted to help but to fix a problem we knew nothing about? Difficult.
About 12 minutes had passed and still no response. Out of nowhere she gathered herself. Sobbing in Arewa’s arms while sniffling to control her watery nose. She began…
“Arewa my daughter, I love with you all my heart and everything I am in this world but you cannot use my blood. You can’t.”
She began crying again. I wasn’t sure what to say now and I was worried it was going to be something big. Was she dying?
“Arewa omo mi, I am HIV positive.”
She gently said amidst tears as she dropped the bombshell on us. Arewa clutched her tighter and looked up at me in shock.
. . . . . .
“Mummy, what are you saying?”
Arewa asked as her voice shook. The tone had moved from concern to fear and sadness.
“How did this happen?”
“It’s your father”
“I discovered shortly before you were born and have nursed it for years. I am grateful to God for protecting me this whole while and preserving my life”
She sat up to continue explaining
“Your father and I’s marriage was planned by our parents without my consent. There had been some sort of agreement between my father and your dad’s family. I was married off to him right after my A-levels back then. It was after our wedding that I discovered that he was into men. I told my mother back then who told me that there were many cases like that but I should stay and just have kids and not embarrass the family name. I stayed and got pregnant with you. I thought it was God’s way of showing his mercies on me. Who was I to complain?
He has been with various men over time since we married. I discovered I was infected before you were born and I knew you were a blessed child and I named you Arewaoluwa (the beauty of the Lord). Specifically the beauties in the works of the Lord when the doctors told me you were born without the virus. I am sorry I never told you but I never wanted to expose your father and hurt you…”
Arewa and I sat there in shock as she concluded. This was big…Really big.
There was a sense of relief allied with concern when Arewa asked her mother
“So how have you been living the past years?”
“By God’s grace…”
Her mother responded. And that was truly why living that long and also with Arewa not carrying the virus was a miracle; one that we were both extremely grateful for.
That news brought comfort to Arewa’s mother because she was able to tell the truth to her best friend but I truly believe that the news only served to harden Arewa’s heart against her father.
I left that night heading back to my apartment as Arewa decided to spend the night with her mother and cheer her up. Sitting in my car, I thought about the last few months and just thought to myself What The Heck Man?
. . . . . .
A few months had passed and it was beginning to seem like things had balanced out. There had been many changes. Arewa had moved closer to me after getting a new job, my father and I were talking again and Arewa’s parents were in the middle of a divorce.
Arewa had a real hatred for her father now and it scared me because I wanted her to forgive him. Even for all the pain he had caused he was still family and love was still meant to be afforded to him.
Every time I brought him up, she would shut him down. One day I brought up him potentially walking her down the aisle. She snapped at me and stormed out. I was from then on, extremely nervous about bringing him up again.
In my humble opinion there are three times a man feels as nervous as I knew I would be soon. Standing outside the waiting room of a hospital while your wife is delivering, the moment when she’s walking down the aisle towards you at the wedding and the actual act of proposing. In every one of those situations, you know that you influenced the act or the situation but then all the control is transferred to her. She gets to decide whether to say yes or not, it’s all up to God and her if she comes out of that waiting room alive. You just stand powerless and hopeful that you get the outcome that you really want.
I was walking through the mall, swerving and avoiding people as I made my way towards the jewelry store. I pulled up in front of the Kay Jeweler’s store and took a deep breath. I was going to make this decision, like take the first step towards doing it. I was going to ask Arewa to spend the rest of her life with me.
“Good evening sir. What brings you in today?”
A beautiful young lady in the tightest clothing I had seen in a while. I was confused for a second, I thought the plan was to help people get married and not get tempted to wander because my eyes were currently searching down her cleavage with her open top button of her shirt.
I responded with a nervous smile on my face.
“Aww! The big one I see”
She responded with a smile and continued by leading me towards a show glass filled with different kinds of rings.
“What’s your range and do you have a specific type in mind?”
She asked politely.
“About $3,000 – $5,000”
I answered as she began pointing to the shining and heart pulsing cabinet of rings. I pointed to and checked out a few of them knowing fully well that l I was making the right decision but that little bit of nervousness continued to jump towards me.
About 3 hours later I was walking out of the store with no ring in hand. I didn’t choke, they were going to polish the diamond at my request and properly size it to fit. I wasn’t about to let her wear it and then drop it down the sink. Shit. You drop a $5000 ring into the sink; you better turn into a tiny person and jump after it into the sink. God punish devil.
All In ft. Manifest by Camp Mulla
About two weeks later Arewa and I were out by the shoreline in Monterey, CA. Our hotel by the waterfront, it was beautiful. Arewa had no idea why we were out there. I had lied and asked for a vacation citing that we needed a break from all the craziness which we did. Arewa bought it easily.
The second night of our stay there while we had returned from touring the traveling Smithsonian exhibit that was on display at the local museum, I got ready for dinner and left while Arewa slept in the bed.
I left a note next to her telling her where to meet me for dinner.
About two hours later, she joined me at the restaurant while I had caught the playoff game on TV at a local bar. She looked beautiful as she walked in. I was just captivated by her beauty and her smile. This was my woman. She sat across from me as I repeatedly tried to prevent my eyes from undressing her. Leaving dinner we headed out to the beach, it was now past midnight and it was no coincidence. I held her left hand while she held her shoes in her right hand as we walked the coastline together. Reminiscing about the times, the pain, the memories from Oge to Suzie, our fathers, her health scare; we covered it all. She actually said the words “we have been through so much together and we have resisted the trials”.
That was my cue, I stopped and looked at her. Getting down on my left knee, I looked up to her face which was filled with surprise and happiness. I began to speak…
“Walking on the edge of the levy
Hand in hand
Dreams in our hearts
We started this a while back
Time has flown by like the leaves during the spring shedding
We have grown so much together
But the love has stayed the same
You are a fire that burns in my soul
An able partner in this journey through life
And quest for happiness
Our imperfections together are
Perfections in progress
You are a true winner
A fighter determined to be the best
Your beauty is divine
Your smile captures my heart
Your body is a work of art Michelangelo would have been honored to see
I’m the lucky guy
That fate brought to an angel like you
I remember when you wrote our names in the sand
The water came and washed it away
Not our love
But it washed our love into a sea of peace and happiness
Where we can float together as one, 4 ever
To you I want to give my heart
With you I want to grow old
I don’t want the go another second in this world without knowing
That I belong to you and you to me
You have captivated my world
You are my Queen
Come and rule in my heart
And foster great generations with me
Arewa mi, will you make the happiest man in the world and share my plantains forever?
Arewa, will you marry me?
. . . . . .
Folake, Mary, Iyanu, Itunu, Tumininu, Oluwatoyin; I couldn’t set my mind a particular one but I knew I had to soon. I pushed the trolley through the supermarket both my hands on the handles, I looked down at my finger now decorated with my band and my soon to be one and a half year old prince; Olaoluwa (the only name both our fathers were able to agree on from different ends of the world). Arewa’s father had finally moved back to Nigeria and mine was still in Arizona.
Arewa joined me at the end of the aisle rubbing her protruding belly. We were expecting again. She had given me a family, a home, true love. I was thankful for her and our journey together. Through the sea of adversity, she helped me towards happiness, navigating through the strong currents of life’s adversities. Arewa was it for me. She was everything and I could only hope that my daughter would be just as amazing as she was.
We reached the counter and I pulled out my wallet to pay just as Suzie walked in. She stole a smile before Arewa noticed and I smiled back. Arewa looked up and frowned.
“Debit or credit?”
The cashier asked as I put my card back into my wallet.
I turned around and noticed Arewa with a confused and angry look on her face. I looked down at her hand. I had felt this feeling before. The one where it seemed like my entire world was about to crash. Sitting in her palm, she had a condom. I looked down and it and then back up to her face. She composed herself and asked
“Jide, what the heck….?”
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Arewa rushed into the garage with her finger over her mouth motioning me to keep the noise level down and head out through the side door. I was feeling crazy as she planted a quick kiss on my face and pushed me out of the house. It was a close call. I stayed at the side of the house and put my clothes on. Somewhere in all my nervousness I must have timed myself wrong because as I walked out the side gate to my car, Arewa’s father walked out the front door. We both stopped in our tracks, stared at each other.
“Good evening sir..”
I sheepishly muttered thinking I had been caught and my life was about to be over.
“What are you doing here?!”
He questioned with a hint of anger in his voice.
He seemed upset but it was evident that he didn’t know that I’d just come from inside his house.
“I heard Arewa was home sir, so I wanted to say hi…”
“No she is not! Go home”
He snapped back at me. I bowed my head to fake disappointment and walked towards my car. A slow smile parted my face. I had escaped!
. . . . . .
A few weeks later, Arewa told me about this internship program she had gotten in San Diego. She said it would last for 3 months and that her father had been pressuring her to do it. She expressed that it was clear that he was just trying to get her out of my vicinity, but she’d agreed to do it. The experience was going to be great for her but I was more concerned about the separation. I feared the effects of the distance. I was sure she would learn a lot but we were going to be losing a lot too. My biggest and most secure confidant being far away from me was something I was not prepared for but I was willing to show support because I loved her. It was truly hard.
I acted out and intentionally argued with her over everything. It was my way of expressing that I was nervous about her going even as much as I loved her. I think the fear I had stemmed from some form of insecurity that what if she found someone else where she was going or realized that she wanted more from a man that I could not give her.
The plans for her move continued to fall into place and soon she was ready to leave.
A few nights before, Arewa called and asked me to accompany her on the10 hour drive down to San Diego. I asked about her parents. She explained that she had convinced them that a friend (a girl) would be driving down with her. I was glad. I immediately booked a return ticket and began to pack. A few nights later, we were on the road. We were about 3 hours into the drive as Arewa was fast asleep. I could feel her waking up as I was beginning to doze off. I had the music on full blast to help keep myself awake. She reached for the volume knob and turned the music down wanting to have a conversation. It initially helped to keep me awake but then I began to fall asleep as she spoke. She noticed it and began to poke me. I absolutely hated being poked at or pinched. I looked towards her direction as she began to get frustrated at her failed attempts to keep me awake. I ran my hand along her cheek and assured her that it was not her fault and that I was just tired. The next song came on and I continued to fight the sleep. The next thing I knew, Arewa reached over and began to unbuckle my belt. I was confused but my member got the message loud and clear as he began to rise to the occasion.
She pulled my briefs down and pulled him out, taking all of him into her mouth. She was working her warm tongue all over my shaft. I was definitely awake now! The problem I was having now was trying to stay focused on the road. She was slurping her spit as she worked from tip to base caressing my balls in her hand as she worked. The car was swerving as I struggled to maintain focus. I didn’t even realize when I sped right under a bridge, straight past a highway patrol officer that was parked there. As soon as I drove past him, he hopped on the freeway and began following me. He tailed for a little over a mile before turning on his signal lights flashing us to stop. The only problem here was that I told Arewa and she did not stop. I was about to run mad. I pulled over to the side of the road. A mixture of the possibility that we would be caught plus the wonders her tongue was working on my hard member had me on the brink of ejaculating. The officer waited a few minutes before coming out of his car; he must have been running the plates. In that time, I exploded a full load of hot silk into Arewa’s wanting throat. The officer was now walking towards us. Arewa took on her last lick and quickly covered my pants with her sweater. The officer walked up to her side of the car and peered through the window. Arewa greeted him as she wiped her mouth of all the fluid. The officer realizing the situation smiled and asked us where we were headed. I told him and he smiled again. He told us to be careful and drive safe before walking back to his car. Arewa had the biggest “dirty girl” grin on her face. She knew she was bad and that was part of why I loved her. She planted a kiss on my cheek and whispered in my ear…
Bad Bad Bad – G.R.I.P Boiz
“Now stay awake or I’ll have to go back for round two.”
My member rose instantly.
. . . . . .
It had been 3 months without my baby but she was back. Her internship was the success we all thought it would be but I was beyond pleased that she was home. We had missed dinner dates, movies, walks and cuddling. I loved cuddling with her when we locked our legs together as we slept. It just felt right!
That weekend, we decided to have dinner and a movie. I always hated the order of things when it came to that because I would eat dinner first and then sleep through the entire movie. So I asked for dinner to be after the movie and she agreed. She was late as always getting ready for me to pick her up. We got to the movie theater later than scheduled and found out that the tickets for that particular showing time were sold out. The next movie started about 45minutes later. We basically had time to kill. Seeing as we hadn’t had any sex in a while we decided to go to the empty secluded parking lot next to the movie theater. The plan was to have a quickie and head back to watch the movie but I should have known better; it was Arewa after all, my undercover freak.
We pulled into the parking lot with the movie theater behind us and some residential homes to the right of us. I made sure we were parked closest to the wall to prevent the people on the second level in the home being able to look into the car. It was a proper beat up 92 or 93 Lexus. The right rear side was bashed in from a hit and run she had been involved in a while back. The leather seats that burned butts and backs in the summer heat were the bed for the afternoon. We both crawled into the back seat without coming out of the car. I pushed the seats forward as she slid her sweat pants down preparing for me. She looked at me as I turned around as if to let me know that I had work to do. Her first kiss set the tone. It was wet, hot and inviting as her left hand pulled my head in towards her body that was now laying down into the back seat. I kissed back; my tongue swirling in her mouth as our body used our mouths as a mixer for the dicey cocktail it was preparing. I let my left hand head down south to drown in her wetness while my right hand travelled back to unhook her bra. Every motion executed perfectly without breaking our now workout worthy make out session. I pulled back and looked deeply into her eyes. I was in love with Arewa. This wasn’t some Romeo and Juliet type of thing but it was damn near close. She was all I wanted and I was all she wanted. At least that was what our bodies were saying. I worked my left index finger in the fastest motion I could think of. She was moaning into my mouth as my lips trapped the sounds. I let my mouth go and placed her left breast in my mouth and gently nibbled on her rock hard nipples. I slowly kissed her navel as I worked my way down to her chocolate factory. I could hear the dripping, as I got closer. She was dripping and my tongue began to water. I planted kisses around her pink making sure to avoid her clit and then she did one of the sexiest things a woman had ever done to me. She placed both her hands behind my head and pressed it onto her clit forcing me to approach and begin to dominate. I twirled my tongue from side to side waiting to find my rhythm and then it came. I could feel her juices covering my barely visible moustache. She tasted so good. Like expensive milk chocolate that melted in your mouth on the first touch of the tongue. Sigh, it was magical.
After about 10 minutes of making her squirm and her yelling out how much she hated me because I was making her cum, I straightened up my body and slipped the condom on. I was ready to dig in. I parted her legs and placed them on my shoulders as I guided my rock hard member into her. She moaned with her tone asking me to be gentle. I slowly went in and out covering my shaft with her wetness. Fully lubricated, I began to pace my thrusts. Each one deeper than the last, I was going to make her feel me in places she never knew possible. She was looking at me for dear life as I grabbed her neck with both hands and continued to dig into her totally dripping body. We were literally dripping in sweat at that point. She was yelling out obscenities, as she knew I was intentionally stroking deeper and deeper. I had her turn around for a change in position as she poked her ass up to me. I held both cheeks apart and slowly slid back in. She attempted to grab into the seat belt straps but I think she realized the waste of effort it would be as I was clearly driving her over the edge. I wanted to cum so I began to pick up the pace. She wasn’t going to let that happen. She had me lay on my back and then she got on my member standing upright and began riding. Her booty clapping on my dick was beyond amazing and it was driving me nuts! I was saying all kinds of crazy shit and then she pulled my pulsing member out of her your pussy and started sucking it. All her pussy juices off my hard cock and she went on to suck my balls too! Oh yeah! She took me to the brink of explosion and then she rose up and positioned her wetness on my member and began riding again. I grabbed her hair while she screamed calling me “daddy” and telling me to “fuck her harder!”
She could tell that I was nearing my climax as I had both my hands on her waist as she continued to bounce up and down. She knew it was very close as I went completely silent to focus on my imminent explosion. She bounced her juicy ass with precision, ensuring that each stroke was full and deep as her juices flowed onto my balls. It only took a few more thrusts and then I heard her say,
“Cum inside me baby. Blow that load inside me! I want to feel you”
I exploded inside her just as she had asked. We lay there on the leather seats, drenched in sweat and barely fitting onto the seat. She placed her head on my chest as she complained about a cut she felt on her knee. It must have come from the seat belt clip when I had her on all fours. I apologized for it and promised her some frozen yogurt. The car windows were entirely fogged up as we joked that we couldn’t tell if it was still bright outside the car. And then it dawned on both of us! We had forgotten entirely about our movie. But hell, we had just made the R-rated version and it was steamy.
. . . . . .
Arewa by Sean Tizzle
Arewa and I had been fighting a lot lately. It was nearing the end of the semester and the stress was starting to get to both of us. We weren’t talking on the phone as much. A full day would pass and maybe one phone call would be exchanged between us. I was starting to feel under appreciated and somewhat forgotten. I found myself spending most of my nights speaking to Suzie; one of our mutual friends. We had gotten close after Arewa moved. Her boyfriend was in a different state and it seemed like we just got each other. I was never planning on having sexual relations with her but with time a lot of flirting drifted into our conversations. One day I accidentally sent a message intended for Suzie to Arewa. I played it cool and lied my way out of the situation but I knew Arewa was now suspicious of me and wanted to get to the bottom of things. Completely forgetting that she had the password to our joint phone account, Arewa logged on and documented my call logs with Suzie. Women snoop… they’re the greatest detectives alive! She confronted me and accused me of cheating. I was able to deny it because I knew she was speaking of physical cheating but I knew I was emotionally cheating. I felt bad about Arewa having to feel like there was another woman and I tried to cut off Suzie but it was hard. I was in too deep.
One afternoon, we were driving around town as Arewa was visiting. The conversation somehow led to my relationship with Suzie and how she knew that it had not ended, I vehemently denied it. The entire time, my phone was buzzing in my pocket. Arewa must have sensed something with that famed intuition of women and somehow she cornered me into having to prove to her that it was not Suzie texting me. I was screwed. I tried to give some flimsy excuse about how having to show her my phone meant she didn’t trust me. She was starting to buy my bs when my phone buzzed again, I knew it was Suzie. I just felt it in my bones. Arewa snatched the phone with speed. She opened the message and her jaw dropped. She turned at me and glared. For about 10 seconds she didn’t say a single word and then right when I was about to start speaking, she threw my phone right at me and told me to get out. We were in the middle of nowhere and she asked me to leave. I walked out of her car with my briefcase and jacket. I opened the message as she sped away. I was right… It was Suzie. The message was enough to break a marriage. It was an image with a message that was totally not needed and certainly unexpected. It read…
Suzie: 2:16pm“Here you go boo. I hope you are ready to pound this round ass. I can’t wait till she leaves so I can have you to myself. Hope to see you soon. XOXO”
I felt my knees give way under my body. I knew I was fucked.
Gbege by Charass
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Nina Simone- Do I Move You
“What happens if I can’t be the man you need?” I asked.
“Do I move you?” I continued.
She turned to her right side and placed her soft left hand on my right cheek, looking searchingly into my eyes as if to make sure I believed every word she said. She started,
“Andrew, I love you and I want to be with you. I have known I have wanted you for the longest. You are what I want…”
My heart melted as I closed my eyes as she ran her hand through my freshly trimmed hair. I leaned in and planted a kiss on her lips and then another on her forehead. This is what I wanted. I had needed to feel this kind of love. The type that makes a man secure within his body and at home with his insecurities. I knew Audrey made me feel safe. The connection we had shared for years was phenomenal. In many ways I always felt like she completed me but I was never ready to admit it.
. . . . .
Everything was starting to gel and then the unthinkable happened. Audrey’s mother who had been terminally ill passed away and her father had now taken ill too. Audrey had to move back home across the country to take care of him. My support system was gone. Talking on the phone and Skype was not the same and sooner rather than later, it was hard to keep up. Working, taking care of her father and then me, it was all too much for her. I was the one that got dropped. Audrey was also dealing with her own bouts of depression and guilt in feeling like she let her parents down by globetrotting the world for her career. She never really stayed around to give back to them for all they did for her.
When I returned from the funeral, I spiraled out of control. More drinking, more smoking and hardly going into work. It was no surprise to me when I walked in one day after missing two days of work that my manager called me into his office and sat me down. He said,
“Andrew, you are one of the best brains in the business but your head hasn’t been here since the tragedy. Top management wanted me to fire you based on your performance but I’m not going to do that. Instead, I’ll report on the file that it was due to reallocation of resources. I’m doing this so you can tap into the unemployment package. I wouldn’t want you to be hung out to dry…”
I appreciated JC (my manager) for letting me know and I wasn’t that upset to be frank; I half expected it to happen. My performance had been mediocre at best. I was punching at 54%. Being dismissed should have been a wakeup call but it wasn’t. I was burning through my savings faster than I could imagine. Alcohol and meth were not cheap. Suppressing my depression was even more expensive. I just wanted to drown all the pain but sooner than I realized my account was in pain.
I knew I needed to start looking for another job but I had to get clean first, I was low. My cousin after numerous attempts finally convinced me to go to a group from recovering substance abusers. Reluctantly, this particular Tuesday, I went. It was in a shady neighborhood. The GPS decided as always to give up the ghost a few blocks down from the location so I was not entirely sure where I was going. I knew I had come this far for a reason, I needed change and more importantly, I needed help. The sun had firmly tucked itself away behind some of the tall skyscrapers far north of my location. There was a man behind me impatiently waiting for me to find my location and parking so that he could get to his appointment.
“Come on!” he yelled out of his car window.
The guy hurriedly sped off as I found a parking spot and tucked my car into it. Looking around the neighborhood, I didn’t feel comfortable with my surroundings so I moved all my belongings into the glove compartment and locked it up. Tucking my keys into my coat jacket, I scanned myself from top to bottom to make sure that I was looking well. I was already going to this place to seek help; I did not want to be showing up looking like a bum also.
I hate public recognition or attention. I thought I was going to sneak into the meeting without anyone noticing my entry. Those dreams were dashed pretty early as I entered the room. The lady running the group saw me walking in from the back of the room and smiled. Majority of the group was sitting in a circle and backing me, her smile caused them all to turn and see who it was. I kept my walking pace and found myself sitting down. I looked around the group attempting a weak smile with the few people I made eye contact with. I was slightly nervous but their warm faces made it possible to feel a bit more comfortable. The person who was talking had just finished up and the Chairperson looked at me and said;
“Hi, and welcome to Pickleweed’s support group. We normally share our struggles and a bit about ourselves but you don’t have to share anything today if you don’t want to. Once again… welcome!”
I nodded back as she gave room for a brief moment of silence as if to invite me to speak up.
“My name is Andrew” I started…
“Hi Andrew” Everyone responded in call- response fashion.
“I am here to get help and support. I feel like I have hit rock bottom and I need help…”
Everyone nodded like they knew my struggle and over the course of time, I would understand why most of the people in the room that day nodded. They knew what my journey was like; they were either into or currently traveling through theirs like I was. I spent a lot of that session just listening to other members express their issues and watched how the staff and other people in the group helped each person explore ideas on how to deal with their problems. I was shy… very shy. I just wanted to sit in the back of the room to be honest and observe which was what I did throughout most of the session.
For many weeks, I would sit like that trying to figure out when I would be able to share something or contribute. One evening, I walked in after a hectic day of looking for a job. I sat there with my head down; pondering and listening as others discussed things. I’m still not sure where I got the courage to start speaking but I there I was opening up to these people.
“My name is Andrew…”
Without waiting for response, I put my hand up in a motion to prevent them from responding.
“I have been using alcohol and methamphetamine to drown my pain since I lost my family. An unborn baby at childbirth and her mother left me a few months later…”
I stopped briefly to hold the tears, as all the emotions seemed to flow to my eyes at that moment.
“I also recently lost my job as a result of my new addiction.”
I continued, “Listening to you all for the last few months, I have come to realize why I drink and why I use meth. I feel insecure in my body and feel that my mental state needs to be altered to prevent me from having to deal with all the pain. I just wanted to share it with someone going through it, talk to people or be around people. It has certainly helped me a lot. Thank you all.”
I raised my head to make sure they all saw the sincerity in my eyes while I continued to fight back the tears. I was immensely grateful for this group. It had been a long process but I felt like I was finally on my way to getting back on the right track. I had been clean for 3months; not a single drink or single hit.
. . . . . .
My friend Helen had put me in touch with this job opening. I was skeptical because although it was in a field similar to mine, it wasn’t anything I was comfortable in but I needed work. I had burned through all my savings and sleeping on my cousin Juliet’s couch hasn’t been the most welcoming feeling for a man like myself. She was family but my pride was getting in the way. I wasn’t contributing as much as I wanted to and I felt like I was being a burden even though she never said I was and tried to make me feel as comfortable as possible.
Being the type of person that I am, I don’t know how to ask for help and hate feeling like I’m inconveniencing anyone. I think more than anything, it was the guy she was seeing that was mad at me. Since I stayed there, he had only been allowed over twice and hadn’t spent the night at all. It was interesting to watch but I couldn’t help but laugh on the inside. I kept trying to get him to realize that we weren’t competing against each other, she’s my blood… but oh well!
I was up late the night before my exam. This job had a placement exam. My proficiency on certain management theories was to be evaluated. I had been studying all night listening to music on the number one African online radio station that an old friend had put me on. There was something about African music that I really connected to. The struggles and perseverance of the legend Fela was something I could relate too. I had also heard of some “new school” guys. It was 24 hour non-stop music and I loved it. There was a chat room on the website where people just logged on and talked about everything. That was a welcome break from studying too. There was this beautiful lady that caught my eye on there. She had been up all night studying; wearing this white shirt with a big red heart across the face. I was captivated by her voice and how interested in what I was doing she seemed. She asked me questions about me and it was nice to have someone new to meet and talk to since Audrey was still upset with me. It was about 4am and a few of us were still on the chat room listening to music and studying or doing whatever else. There was an engineer working off like 5 computer screens preparing for a presentation a few hours later. It was motivating. I felt like I could do it, all these people like me; all working hard to be better. I was pumped and then out of nowhere, a random dude logged into the chat room, turned his video on and began stroking his penis on camera for the rest of us to see. Everyone squealed out in shock, he was duly blocked and reported as spam but as we all laughed it off, I knew I needed a better life. I had to get this job! The struggle life was not made for me.
. . . . . .
My first week at my new job was amazing. Everyone was very welcoming and it seemed like I was finally finding my feet. The staff that I was in charge of helped me stay grounded and together. I was pushing for great things and I knew that no matter how hard it got, the hardest part being the exam had been conquered.
My supervising manager was great. She had a welcoming smile and always seemed to go the extra mile in ensuring that I was well adjusted. We had weekly supervision meetings where we would talk about the staff that I was supervising and better ways to manage the staff. Over time we became comfortable with each other. Sharing personal information duly followed. We became what I would sometimes have called “friends”. She even invited me over to her house for a personal dinner she was hosting for some friends.
The chemistry was becoming evident with personal jokes at the office, stealing smiles and taking our lunch breaks together. I had to have the conversation with myself and ask “was I starting to like her as more than a friend?” I tried to suppress my growing feelings for her but it wasn’t working. One bright Friday afternoon she came into the office looking dressed to kill. Her sunglasses covering her beautiful brown eyes, her hair flowed to her back as she carted across the hall in her pencil skirt supported by stunning blue heels. I was talking, coming from the other end of the hallway walking towards her… we made eye contact and both flashed a sly smile. Mine was saying “Damn! You look great” and hers in response as if to say, “Yes I know”. She walked into her office and stood at her desk sorting through her mail and newspapers. Glancing up, our eyes met now as her glasses had come off. She smiled but I tried to hide. I had been staring.
I couldn’t focus throughout the day and I knew why. Sally was running through my mind. Those legs, those eyes, her lips… I found myself wanting all of her! It was about 3:30pm when she walked into my office. She shut the door behind her, closing the blinds she smiled as she walked towards me. I leaned back in my chair with a smile on my face. She came around the desk while pushing my seat back; she sat on my lap and planted her full red lips on mine. I closed my eyes as I took her in. Her lips felt like new silk sheets, my lips pursed open as her tongue searched the cavity of my mouth. My heart was racing, we were about the same age but this was my boss; my superior. She placed her right hand behind my head as she pressed her full breasts unto my chest. Leaning back I ensured that she felt comfortable as I continued to kiss her. Breaking the kiss, she leaned away from me and smiled. My lips were covered in bold red lipstick. She got up, looked at me as she straightened out her clothes. She then leaned in and whispered in my ear,
“Next time when you want something, just ask and don’t wait around till you miss out on it” and then she walked out.
I was in shock. I wasn’t sure whether I was supposed to feel violated or excited for things. I could not wait for the day to be over. I picked up a napkin and cleaned off the lipstick on my lips. Wow! I thought to myself. What was happening?
. . . . . .
I locked the door behind me as I invaded her office. This was my turn…She had woken up the sleeping giant! I walked around the desk and flipped the chair. I told her it was about to be her turn to be blown away. Down to my knees I dropped, I slid my hand up her thighs as she stayed glued in her seat. Reaching her waist, I pulled her lace panties down and flung them behind me. She lifted herself up to pull up her skirt. Spreading her legs apart, I planted kisses around the insides of her thighs working my way home. I could taste her wetness as my lips gently met her lower lips. The one way exchange of fluid as my tongue siphoned all of her juices into my mouth was driving her insane. With her legs on my shoulders and her hands on my head, I worked my way around her clit. Her hair, full and luscious was now all over the place as the pleasure coursed through her veins driving her insane. I kept working my tongue on her wetness powering it from left to right at an uncontrollable speed while my hand reached into my back pocket to pull out the condom. Not breaking a motion, I slipped it on and got up.
“It’s huge! Weren’t you going to let me taste it?” She asked looking like I cheated her out of a fine deal.
“Maybe some other time”
I replied with a smile as I stretched my hand out to her. I picked her up and bent her over the desk. Her skirt now rumpled up and firmly around her waist. With her heels on she was about 5 inches taller and perfectly placed for my hard member to explore the depths of her. I slowly slid into her tight wetness. She didn’t gasp but let out a slow welcoming moan as my manhood responded by getting a bit harder. The strokes were slow and controlled as she looked back at me. My knees felt weak. The sight of her wanting me to “own” her was a massive turn on. An element of dominating your superior was also at play. The pace picked up as she started kicking back to me… As I thrust deeper and deeper, her moans were getting louder. I was pounding harder now.
She scratched the desk looking for a hold and moaned as I grabbed her waist and smacked my pelvis on her ass. Her ass was amazing. This woman was as dedicated with her work as she was with her body. I was giving it to her with precision and she was taking me as her ass rippled back to me with each thrust. The climax beckoned as she moved her left hand to play with her clit and grab my balls as I continued to pound hard. A few minutes later it was grunt after grunt as I unloaded my seed. I pulled out of her and gently took off the condom to put my clothes on. She looked at me and smiled, it was not a genuine smile. It looked cheeky but evil at the same time. I wasn’t sure why.
“That was great. We should do that again sometime…” I said.
“It was but that was a mistake. It shouldn’t have happened”
I was confused. This woman was just moaning the shit out of my name a few minutes ago and now this was a mistake? She said nothing further as I put my clothes on to leave. I was really confused and fearing for the worst. Did I just get played?
. . . . . .
The weekend was rough. I couldn’t help but think that something bad was going to happen. I tried to stay positive. I went to the gym that Saturday morning and to get some food with a friend. I took a long walk on a trail behind the house. Even the beautiful view couldn’t help me stop thinking about the smile on her when I walked out of her office. I picked up my phone and texted her on Sunday afternoon;
Me (11:38am): Hey you
Sally (2:04pm): Hey, I’m good.
(2:05pm): I’m out at the moment. I’ll text you later.
She was blowing me off. I was more freaked out than I needed to be. Why was she being like this? Was the sex awful? I thought of every reason possible but I couldn’t figure it out. I wanted to find out why right then. I was tempted in my frustration to go out and get a drink. I held it together and turned in for the night early.
The next day I arrived at work earlier than usual. I was in my office working when she walked in; she looked at me flashing me a smile and stopped to ask how my weekend was. I smiled. I was feeling a little bit better. Work continued to go smoothly and then I got an intercom call from Sally asking me to please come to her office. I felt a tingle in between my legs as this was said. I finished up the email I was working on and I walked out my office and headed for hers. I opened her door and I noticed her sitting behind her desk and the human resources manager sitting in the chair across from her. She looked up and asked me to take a seat which I did.
Twenty five minutes later, I was walking out of the office; stunned. She had basically just fired me because I was not the right fit for the job they hired me for. I couldn’t believe it but in some ways I could. Sally looked right at me and let me go. 72 hours prior, she was moaning my name and now she was letting me go? I felt like I had been punched in the gut. I walked into my office and waited a little after 4pm to begin packing my things. I exited the building an hour later. Walking to my car, I was fuming and confused. I sat in my car for about an hour just trying to process what had just happened. I had fought and worked so hard to get this job and I all of a sudden I was now being dismissed? I felt like she played me. I felt played! Slowly the thoughts began to creep into my head, I wanted to sniff or hit some Meth. I could smell it. I wanted it. I was going to get it!
I called my old dealer. He was just as shocked to hear I wanted it again. I swung by “my guy” and picked up the stuff. He along with a voice in my head kept telling me not to do it, to remember how far I’d come and how long I had stayed clean for. I was so angry with the world that I kept repressing those better thoughts and his advice. I arrived at home and headed straight to the bathroom. Pulling off my shirt, I closed the bathroom door and sat on the closed toilet seat. Cigarette in hand and all my utensils lay out on the edge of the sink. I tied my black tie to round my right bicep prepping for my shot there. I had one last thought to stop as the voice of reasoning snuck in one last time. I ignored it.
I called my sponsor to see if he could talk me out of it, knowing well that he would be at work and not be able answer his phone. True to that, he didn’t answer the phone. I took it as a sign from above to go ahead.
I could hear the music playing in the background.
I was starting to climb through the clouds. I was feeling good again.
Eyes batting, I laid down on the cold bathroom floor. All the thoughts began flooding my head. This was it… This was that feeling…
Feeling Good by Nina Simone
My phone started ringing… I was too high to want to get up.
A short while later I heard the front door open, it was my cousin letting herself in.
“Shit!” I cursed quietly….
I didn’t want her to see me like this. I was starting to try to clean up. Opening up the window slightly. I rushed to pack things up. I was using the towel to fan the smoke out of the bathroom. I was now sweating profusely, my body reacting to the things I had ingested. It had been so long, I was getting dizzy. I sat back down and held my head in my left hand. A few minutes and my cousin was calling out my name seemingly from smelling the smoke. She pulled open the bathroom door and there I sat, looking and her as she stared at me in disbelief….
She opened her mouth to talk but no words came out. I knew I was fucked… It looked like she wanted to scream… #WhatTheHeckMan
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