Erotica · Fiction · Uncategorized

Empty 4

Empty 4


Follow the writer on Twitter @adewus4real #WhatTheHeckMan



One by Ed Sheeran


It had been a couple of hours of trying to make sense of the entire thing when Sam showed up with some food. I was still angry and confused but Sam had one rule, no matter what was going on, I still had to eat. She had stopped by her house and brought some rice, smoked turkey and some “aya mase” stew. The plantain was part of the accompanying party; even death could not make me play with that. Looking frustrated like a kid who did not want to eat their vegetables, she forced me to eat. About 20 minutes later my nostrils were blazing, heat burning through my stomach and I was still angry.

“Okay, now tell me what happened. Again”

She said in her usual calm voice.

“Can you believe that bastard? My useless uncle Dele, impregnated my mother and then killed her!”

I raged out of the blocks.

“He did it! I know he did it!”

I continued physically showing signs of aggravation and anger as I clenched my fists together. 

“Look at the papers”

I pointed at the sheets lying on the bed.

“She was transferring monies to him for God knows what and he was also in town the day she went for her appointment at the doctors. Why?! What was he doing there? And then he goes with them on vacation and then all of a sudden, they turn up dead and they are fine?!

No Sam! He did it!”

I paused…

“Are you sure baby? That sounds like a lot to accuse someone of babe.”

Sam began with. I knew it was going to annoy me. A frown came across my face as she spoke.

“Why don’t you let the detective know what you have found and then let him do his job and find out the truth”

She was such a voice of reason for me but it was so annoying that she was telling me what I needed to hear and not what I wanted. Ugh!

“But…. I know….”

She placed her hand over my lip and walked me slowly backwards to the bed.

“Come and get some rest my king, it has been an intense and long day. You need some rest”

I gently sat on the bed as she kissed my still burning lips.

Sniff. Sniff.

I lay on my back thinking about everything. She lay next to me. Her head on the right side of my chest; I ran my hand down her hair. I was still confused but she made sense. She was the only thing in my life that made sense.

.     .     .      .      .      .

I slowly turned over and stretched out my body. I rolled within the sheets for a bit. Twisting and turning, my mind trying to ignore the reality of time that awaited me outside my closed eyes.

I stopped turning and lay still, my eyes still closed, I could hear the clock ticking outside my heart…

“Tick…. Tick… Tick”

In the focus of that I realized that I was alone in bed. I had fallen asleep with Sam firmly draining the blood out of my right arm as her decent sized head camped on it all through the night. I had watched her sleep with her mouth slightly ajar and her drooling out. She was a beautiful woman, even in her sleep but her drooling was something I still marveled at. Even “perfect” beings have

I had been in my thoughts for roughly about 5 minutes and I finally decided to open my eyes.  I opened my eyes and the sunbeams invited themselves into my room and onto my face. It was warm. I turned around and to my back on the left side of my bed; I glanced at the alarm clock. Set 15 minutes ahead of what the actual time was, it read 12:18pm.


I muttered as I ran my hand over my head. I had clearly over slept. Oh well, I got up and grabbed my phone. A few people had texted me. Sam also texted to wish me a good morning and asked me to call her to update her later;

“Good morning my love, I am writing this message standing over you right now. Not like crazy eyes from OITNB but with watchful loving eyes. I just planted soft kisses all over your handsome bearded face. You look like a warrior that just won a grueling battle or when you’ve passed out from me sucking your dick dry after you’ve cum. Lol. Okay, okay sorry I brought that up. Olowo ori mi, I just want you to know that no matter what you decide to do, I’ll be by you 200% as always. Don’t forget that. Please call me when you wake up or after you speak to the detective. I love you mucho mucho grande. If you wake up in time, I made some eggs, they are covered in the microwave. I know how much you hate stale or cold food. Make sure you eat, or you’ll catch these hands!”

I smiled and sat up. Damn, I had slept for a cool minute or more like hours. I had been so tired. Work and life had managed to drain me out. I needed all that sleep after an emotionally draining day. I pulled up my phone and dialed his number; detective. Sigh.

The conversation was very similar to the one I had with Sam. He listened while I blabbed and then he said,

“I will be in Dallas tomorrow afternoon. We have some leads on our end too and I have some action to take care of over there.”

“I will be there too.”

I said, beginning to head for my computer to book the next flight. I was ready to go down there and witness the evil man that murdered my parents go down.

I hung up the phone and texted Sam about the plans. I was going to take the next 5 days off. She only needed to take off 1 working day as it was already Thursday. She responded with a simple,

“Okay baby”

Rushed packing and close to a thousand dollars later; tickets booked. We were leaving that night. I called up my supervisor and told her I had a family emergency to attend to out of state and I would be gone. I packed up all the letters and papers on the floor and dumped them into a garbage bag. I packed the full garbage bag into a suitcase of it’s own and continued packing. It was almost 8pm and we had a 10:05pm flight to catch. I hated being late so you can imagine how I felt sitting in front of my condo leaning on my car and Sam still hadn’t shown up.

I was texting on my phone when Sam pulled up.

“Baby, I’m sooooooo sorry. It was my best friend that held me up, that’s why I’m late.”

I rolled my eyes and sternly said,


I only ever called her by her “Nigerian” name when she had done something really bad.

She looked up at me and didn’t respond. She had those eyes, those “forgive me right now I’m a baby girl eyes”. I couldn’t help it.

“Just enter the car and let’s go!”

I had checked in online and all I really needed to do was drop off my car at the airport-parking garage.

The check-in process was smooth. It was about 10:11pm when I glanced at my watch sitting on the window seat of the plane. I hated looking out the window while flying, it made me want to throw up but I also loved watching the takeoff and landing. That’s why I religiously picked that seat for all my flights. Minutes later we were taking off and I looked out the window, I must have stared too long as I began to have motion sickness. I closed the window and leaned back in my seat. I glanced at Samantha who was already reading an article for work. I reached for my wallet and looked at the picture of my parents to ensure that I had it in there. A deep sadness covered my heart. I took in a deep breath and sighed heavily; I was going to fight for the justice in whatever way I had to.

The heat hit me as we walked out of the DFW airport. I was tired but ready to go. These next few days would be eye opening and I had to be ready. We were sitting down outside the airport waiting for my cousin to come and pick us up. It just seemed like everyone wanted to make me wait that day. It had been 30 minutes and no sign of her, so I called up her phone. She answered at the second ring and told me that she wasn’t the one coming to get us. I was still trying to figure it all out when Sam drew my attention to a car that pulled up behind me. I turned around and thought to myself,

“What the heck man?!”

“What was he doing here? Was he trying to die?!”

Sam, knowing how my temper can fly off the handle sometimes, immediately walked up to me and placed her hands around me.


“Calm down and talk baby she continued to say” 

I was heated and ready to pop off. This man killed my parents and then thought it was okay to come here? Is he mad?

I finally spoke…

I am not getting in that car”

I said to my uncle, now standing out of the car. He looked at me calmly and said,

 “Femi, the police department already called and spoke to me to today. I know what you think and how you feel but I would not have come here if I was guilty. Please sit in the car and let me explain and I will tell you all that I know. If after that you still want to leave, that is fine.”

I shook my head in disapproval and he continued to talk. Sam finally said, in a whispering voice,

“Just hear him out babe, we can even leave our bags outside the car”

Sigh. She just always made sense. We left our bags next to the car, curbside to the airport door and sat in the car. I sat in the front and Sam in the back directly behind me.

Femi, I know you know about your mom and I.”

 My uncle started and then he continued on to say,

“But I want you to know that I would have never killed her. I loved her and truly wanted to care for her and out baby.”

I felt like he thought this was meant to make me feel better but it actually served to annoy me. Sam placed her right hand on my shoulder and slowly rubbed it in a motion to calm me down.

My uncle continued;

“I don’t have all the answers but that woman was carrying my child and to me, that meant something so I would never harm her or your father in that way. “

He then went on to say something that resonated with me and changed the direction of my thought; a Yoruba proverb from our homeland;

“Kokoro ton je efoidi efo lo wa”


Which essentially means, 

“The enemy/root of your problems are closer than you think”

Then he asked,

“Would you be staying with us at the house tonight or do you have hotel reservations somewhere?”

Sam responded from the back seat,

“Uncle we’ll stay at the house”

He started the car and began driving. I said nothing; staring out the windshield my brain was running in all different kinds of ways. I was now more confused than ever. What did he mean? What was going on? What the bloody fuck was going on?!

.    .    .     .     .     .

Shots on Shots | Ice Prince and Sarkodie

Our bodies were off by a few hours but we woke up around 1pm after getting home that morning from the airport at about 6am. I had spent most of those hours lying in what used to be my room and staring out the window trying to understand what my uncle meant. Sam had woken up in the middle of the night and left the room for a period of time. I thought I might have been snoring or something, it made no sense to me at the time.

I hadn’t taken a shower when my uncle called out for me to come downstairs. Walking down the stairs to the living room, Sam closely behind me, I noticed Det. Rosen sitting on the couch. He stood up and shook my hand. I sat down across from my uncle with the detective to my left side.

He began talking;

“We have been investigating what was originally ruled as an accident but was actually the murder or your relations. Some of the evidence we gathered has led us to believe that we have a few more questions to ask. The evidence on ground shows that someone in your room (he pointed towards my uncle) during the vacation used their key card to leave the room during the middle of the night before the incident. So at this point, we are here to take you and your wife in for further questioning and continue to investigate the case”

My uncle looked on ahead; flat and unmoved like he saw all this coming and in many ways, he did. All my uncle said as the detective placed him under arrest was,

“Femi, find the truth.”

I was standing with Sam holding on to my left arm looking really sad. As the detective walked my uncle to the second living room, towards the main door. We heard the key, someone opening the door from the other side. It was my aunt.

“What is going on here?”

She asked with a confused look on her face. I began to try to explain and then she put her hand up as it to shut me up.

“Officer, you have the wrong person”

She said as dropped her bags on the floor and sat upright, her back up against the wall.

“I did it.”

Those were the first words out of her mouth in her seated position. I was shocked. Just like everyone in the room.She then went on a long confessional where everyone stopped and was silent in awe and disbelief.

“I am tired of all the lies and the sneaking around and playing dumb. Dele, I knew you were sleeping with my sister a full year before she died. After all we went through Dele, everything! My own sister?! Chai! Chai! Chai! Dele!!! There is God o.

 Anyway, all those “research trips” you were taking out to Dallas when we still lived in California. I knew it was to sleep with her. And you left me with your kids. I was crushed. And my sister had always taken from me since we were kids. She always got all the men, all the boys that I liked, she had them because they thought she was prettier. She rejected one guy that wanted her and then he came to me. Of course I fell for him. I did everything for him. And then I got pregnant… 23 and pregnant. I could not keep the baby because I knew our father would kill me. So I devised a plan. It had come to my attention from one of my sister’s ex friends that she had damaged her womb and could not have children. So I suggested that she and I should run to the US from Nigeria and I would have the baby and give it to her. So she could call it her own…”

She paused as she was getting teary eyed. Everyone was still glued in their standing positions.

“Your “father”, her husband, never knew. She planned that part well and he always thought you were his. Femi, you are that child. You are my son…”

Those words cut through me. I felt like I was stabbed in my gut. There was no way. I felt winded and took a step back to reaffirm my stance. “What The FUCK MANNNN?”

She continued as my uncle’s face remained covered in calm. He knew all of this. My mother had told him.

“Femi, I brought you into this world and gave you to my sister because at the time, I knew I could not raise a son. I just couldn’t. And I knew she needed a child. I did that for my sister. I gave her the greatest gift one could; life. And she selfishly took away my happiness. Taking money from our business and giving it to the worthless piece of shit called a man here (she pointed at my uncle). I had silently watched the two of them play everyone like fools without saying anything but I couldn’t take it anymore. The night in Hawaii, we were drinking and I offered her something and she said no. She and my husband left the pool side for a while and I knew what they were off doing. I don’t know what came over me that night when I went and tampered with the brakes. I really didn’t want to kill them. I just wanted her to be scared off him from the trauma of a minor accident. The next morning when Dele tried to go and join them to go sightseeing, I stopped him because of the risk. He knew nothing at the time; only if anything.


My sister took from me after all I had given her. She was always taking from me. I had to take some power back. I am sorry I hurt her. I am sorry I hurt you. I am so sorry…”

She was now wailing, streams of tears rushed down her cheeks. The detective took the hand cuffs off my uncle and began reading the Miranda rights to my aunt as he began to cuff her. She didn’t fight back. She was sobbing and silent.

I was now in full flow of tears. Trying to process it all, I had my hands on my knees in a bent position and then I looked up and said,

“Did you know she was pregnant?”

My aunt’s eyes grew bigger and now she began to wail and cry.

I continued;

“She was finally going to have one of her own and you took that away from her. The woman that raised me and an innocent man, you killed. You are evil and I never hope to see you again, I hope you rot and die behind bars. I will never forgive you!“

She was in full tears and really sobbing when she began to yell out,

“My stomach… My stomach…”

“She is lying!”

I yelled out as confusion broke out. The detective trying to make out the situation and my uncle attempting to help her, they both looked at me to help and I stepped back even further. I was not going to save her.

“You’re a doctor, aren’t you? You took an oath…” 

The detective yelled out as they lay my aunt on the ground. I pointed to my uncle and told him to call 911. I held her head up and figured she was having a reaction to something in her stomach. I stabilized her as I heard the sirens of the ambulance. I stood up and walked away from her body as she was carried away and the detective followed. He asked Sam and my uncle to help and they headed to the hospital.

What just happened? I thought to myself. My mother had just confessed to killing the woman I had called mother all these years. I had been living a lie. I was the product of deceit. I was feeling crushed inside. And she had just been carried out for something that looked like a poison reaction. What was happening? My mind flashed and pieced it together. Sam!

She was in the medical field and would know the “right” compounds to fix or throw together to create something that could hurt my aunt. Shit!

I was sitting next to my aunt’s items and noticed her water bottle for her Herbalife smoothies. I opened it and sniffed it. I was right. It smelled of chemicals. The kind you would only spot if you were in the medical field.

“Why did Sam do this?”

“I’m the doctor though. When they pump her stomach and test it, they will think it was me and I have all the motive”

Fuck! I wanted to run but what was the point.

The house was empty and I felt just like I did on the evening of my parent’s funeral, only now I was alone. The feeling truly caught up to me. Tears streamed down my eyes for over a full hour. Why didn’t Sam stay with me? It made no sense.I heard a knock on the door. I looked up at the door and didn’t respond.Another knock and then the door opened.  It was the detective and I had an idea of why he was there.

“Mr Femi Rilwan, you are under arrest for the attempted murder of…”

his voice tailed off as the tears slowly rolled down my face as he placed the handcuffs behind my back. I wasn’t even hearing what he was saying even though I knew he was talking.  There was a hollow depth in my heart as my heart rate slowed dramatically. He walked me out of the house towards his waiting car. Opening the door, he bent my head as I sat in the back seat, I thought to myself. Through the web of lies, deceit, infidelity and pain that all the people involved went through with me, I never truly understood what it felt like to be a “home”. There I was in the back of the cop car in front of my own parent’s home; trapped in my own hands and this time for real, I had absolutely no one. And I could be going down for something I didn’t do. The detective was walking around the car when Sam walked up to him. She stood very close to him and said something. Something I still do not know till this day.

She walked around the car and he opened the door. She stretched out her hand and held my chin in her hand.

I stepped out the car and he removed the cuffs from my hand. I gave Sam a big hug and whispered to her. 

“I love you.”

 She didn’t respond. She just clutched me tighter as tears streamed down her eyes. He gently shook the cuffs in his hands. I looked down at his hands. Sigh.

Say it with me y’all…. “What The Heck Man!!!!!”


Fin! Wait! Wait! Wait! Hold on to that feeling and let me know how you felt about this series Empty. I’d love to know.

Also, NO ONE got the actual story I wanted to start running on the poll from next week but most wanted Secrets so much…. Sooooooo… I will be releasing Secrets Part 1, next Saturday. In the meantime, please listen to a preview if what to expect. And like always, please let me know what you think!

Fuck You by @adewus4real


Lookout for NEW SERIES “SECRETS” on Saturday

Follow @adewus4real @ADEWUS4REAL 

Till you read again. Ask the next guy/gal,#WhatTheHeckMan 

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Erotica · Fiction · Uncategorized

Empty 2

Empty 2


Follow the writer on Twitter @adewus4real #WhatTheHeckMan


Money on My Mind (Unplugged) – Sam Smith

I sat there with a confused look on my face trying to understand what was happening.

I read the letter over again. Same outcome; shock

Many thoughts were racing through my head from the fact that she wrote me a letter instead of calling me to the idea that I grew up in that home and I truly did not want to lose it. Why was she making such decisions with the heir to the estate?

My parents had willed their businesses to me; my father’s was in the process of being sold and my mother’s was jointly owned by her sister. The house while not willed to me, was meant to be sold and half the money given to me and half from the sale reinvested into my mother’s business. This was changing the plan and I was not comfortable with that.

I picked up my phone and dialed my aunt’s number. Midway through, I realized that she might have been at work and I probably wouldn’t have answered. The phone was on it’s 4th ring when someone on the other end picked up, it was my aunt.

“Good afternoon aunty”

I said trying to contain my evident frustration.

“Femi ba wo ni?”

She responded as she asked about my well being

“I was just calling to let you know I got your letter and I was wondering what it was about”

My disgust has somewhat seeped into my tone now

“Oh your uncle and I have had the house on the market since your parents passed but have gotten very little responses back. I just figured we should move in here instead of paying two mortgages and trying to sell ours instead”

She explained going on

“We’ll put our house on the market and then move to Dallas. Home sales in California are easier at the moment and then we’ll buy this one outright”

Some form of calm began to set into my breathing

“Oh okay, I responded. Well, that makes sense then but someone should have told me aunty. I was just here wondering what was going on. Being far away doesn’t make it easy to stay on top of things”

I explained trying to claw my way back from extreme irritation. She understood, I think but it seemed as she felt like I only thought she had money on her mind and not doing it for the best interest of me, the family and the company.  The plan actually made some sense because sales in California were actually on the rise but not so much in Dallas. I was skeptical about doing the sale of the home to family but my mother and my aunt had been in business for many years without complain on either side. I reserved my fear and somewhat allowed some hope to take over. This might actually work I repeatedly preached to myself. It had to work.

.    .    .    .     .    .

It was a blessing to have Samantha in my life through losing my parents and the house fiasco. She was continuously such a rock for me and I was extremely grateful. I remember how we both had to break into her new apartment because she had forgotten her keys on the kitchen sink inside. Breaking and entering your own property. That was the kind of stuff Sam and I go into.

It was the evening of her house warming party. My body was still sore from the move a few days prior. She had so much shit. Way too many clothes and shoes, I could not believe someone was allowed to have that many shoes. She had enough shoes for the entire cast of Happy Feet African edition. I was just proud of her as I scoped the place one last time as I walked up the stairs and turned the corner.

There she was getting ready for her house warming party. Standing in front of the mirror with all her makeup scattered all over the sink. She stood there with her round butt cheeks hanging out of her black lace panties. I stood behind her wanting to devour her. She wouldn’t let me.

Before she put her lip stick on, I came up behind her and stood on her right side. Moving her hair out of the way, I gently placed my soft lips on her neck while I placed my hands on her waist. She knew what I was trying to do but did little to fight back. I continued kissing down her neck to the front of her chest. I turned and stood in front of her now backing the mirror, I pulled her in closer and wrapped my hand around her tighter. I was now kissing the front of her neck with her head kicked back. She was biting her lip while clutching one of her makeup brushes in her hand to ensure it didn’t stand my white shirt. I placed my large right hand on her left butt cheek and squeezed it tight while sliding my index finger over her clit in an attempt to get her wet quicker. She smiled and slowly pulled back

“People are here back and the rest will be here soooooon”

She moaned as I continued to kiss her

“I don’t care.”

I responded with authority.

“Babe, babe…. Babeee… stoop. They’ll be here soon. I promise once everyone leaves. I’m all yours.”

I let go of her and sat back on the sink looking dejected like a kid who was just told he won’t be seeing Santa that year. Every guy knows that moment when your woman clearly can give it to you but she decides against it. Soooo annoying!

I walked out of there shrugging like I didn’t care. She pulled me back and planted a wet kiss on my lips and then pushed me out with a smile on her face saying

“Stop being a spoiled brat!”

I smiled again like a little kid just finally allowed into the circle and walked out.

Good Kisser – Usher

Friends and some of her family began to arrive shortly after and the party was taking off. I held my spot by the sound system and kept the music coming. There were Hors D’oeuvres, some rice as you know Africans must always have at their gatherings and a couple of giant tubs of ice cream. Alcohol was constantly flowing the entire night as I watched Sam weave her way through a happy crowd as she gave tour after tour of her new place. It had been rumored around the office that the hospital we worked at, had tabled an offer to her but she was already some way into the transition to working at another hospital. I was glad.

Samantha was so good at everything that she did, that she definitely deserved to be given the opportunity that she was getting to spearhead the new child development research unit alongside one of the finest child psychologists around. She would dictate her hours and her pay was very handsome. The possibility of us having different schedules that enabled us to spend more time together was very attractive to us. It was at this stage of our relationship that it became clear to me that Samantha really valued me when she asked for my in depth opinion regarding the switch. Should she stay put where she was loved and known or embark on ground breaking worth that would be rewarding for years to come? I couldn’t be more proud of her as I watched her finish up another tour of the “den” area in her new place. She smiled as she caught me staring at her from the corner of my eyes. I got butterflies when I looked at her. She truly was magical. Her chocolate skin with her beautiful soft lips and her big bold eyes, I just wanted to cradle and squeeze her at every chance I got.

The “den” was big. She called it a “den” but I would eventually convince her to start calling it the “hut”. Sam in her thoughtfulness had turned it into my area of the house because she realized how much I was still dealing with the recent sale of my home. Some of my childhood pictures hung up on the wall and there was a big flat screen TV in there to watch my sports games. I swear, how could you not love a woman like that?

“Hey dj, can you play my song?”

I heard someone say in a sexy voice as their tongue licked my ear. Startled, I looked down at the 5’6 person and there Sam was. Clutching on to me with her hands around my mid riff, I could tell she was a bit buzzed.

I smiled and said

“Babe, you good?”

“I’m fine baby”

She responded swaying her head and smiling back at me as if to convince me. She was clearly starting to get drunk and I knew her horny side was soon come to fore. She slid her right hand down and grabbed my package in her hand. Looking around to make sure nobody was watching, I smiled and pushed her hand away

“I want you. Now.”

was all she said. I knew what I had to do next. I raised my hand up and motioned to my friend Nana, the black wonder from Ghana to come and take over the dj-ing duties. Sam and I waved our way through the dancing people in her living room and made our way into the bathroom. I lifted her up and sat her on the sink. Sliding her dress up, I began to kiss her hard. I had been made to wait hours and I wanted her right then. I was about to start taking off her underwear when we heard a knock on the door.


I cursed under my breath.

“Why now?!”

 I thought to myself as I stood in the corner and Sam opened the door to find out who it was. It was Miriam her best friend. I rolled my eyes as Sam tried her best to quickly dispose of her best friend who was just was even more under the influence than we were. Sam turned around to look at me sitting on the sink with an irritated look on my face. She immediately went into her “turn off” mode. It was the one where if I was being to aggressive, pushy for sex or said the wrong thing, Sam would fold into her shell and begin to act upset and then eventually, no sex for my horny ass.

I wasn’t about to let that happen this time, I pulled her close. Tight. I lifted her up and sat her on me with her knees on the sink, I pulled up her dress and parted her panties. Sticking my index finger quickly into her soaking wetness, she had no time to respond. I began to work it inside her. There was a certain level of pleasure I loved to get Sam to when we had sex and I was trying to beat that today. I was in for a shocker though. I continued kissing her as she moaned into my mouth. She was getting louder and louder as my finger got deeper. I slapped on the handle for the faucet and turned it on. Water running and the music blasting, I hoped it would be enough to drown out her moans. On to her fresh carpets she pulled me as we both made our way down. She didn’t want my tongue to feast on her; she just wanted my hard member inside of her. I rushed to pull off my pants as she looked up to me patiently and waited for me to enter into her. I lowered myself while positioning my now rock hard package as it slid into her. With a slow thrust, I allowed her flowing juices engulf my throbbing dick as I felt the heat from her insides warm me up. I clutched her left breast and squeezed as I began to slide in and out of her quicker. She moaned and looked at me like in amazement. There was something about drunken sex for her. It just took her to another level. She placed both her hands on my butt and squeezed pushing for me to thrust deeper into the realms of her gut. I continued as her juices flowed out and covered my balls as they dangled back and forth. This had to be a quick one. We had guests to attend to but the way Sam was holding on to me, I sensed she wanted more and was not going to let me only give her a quickie.

I was beginning to think of ways to pull out of her without her knowing but Sam knew me. She knew how I liked it when she dug her nails deep into my back. She knew how moaning my name

“Femi.. femi.. femi….”

Which translates to “marry me” evoked emotions beyond words in me. I did not know when I continued to thrust deeper. Watching her face, with her mouth wide open and no words coming out, she gasped and moaned with every thrust. I was struggling to not explode inside of her because I knew she wanted more but it was hard. It was wet. So wet. Slippery and hot. Tight. Hot. Did mention, wet? It was dripping. She was dripping. I was dripping covered in sweat and I there I was with the safety ofbirth control behind me, I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I began to cum inside of her with the ugliest facial expressions a man could have. I spurted out my seed as I looked like an man being electrocuted. I hated that face. That cum face but she loved it. I stood up and aimed to clean up. Sam sat up still on the floor and turned me towards her, grabbing my package she stroked it and put it in her mouth. Now there are only few men in the world and I mean very few who can admit that a woman sucking his dick right after ejaculation is not one of the most sensual and embarrassing things that could happen to him. We all begin to squirm like a black person in water for the first time. I had this look of shock on my face. No she was not doing what I thought she was doing. I pushed her off me slowly as I could not take the pleasure coursing through my back. She looked upset as we both put our clothes on. The rest of the party was a blast and we ended up in bed next to each other that night as tired as we were. It was success. Sam was my success.

.    .    .     .     .

Something felt off that week. The days were long. I was feeling very edgy and high on caffeine. I did not want to be at work or anywhere around work and it felt like a lot to take in and to compound the problem; I hadn’t seen Sam in a whole week.

I was frustrated. I was sitting in the break room at a little past midnight texting Sam. I can’t remember what she was saying at that time but it was sounding super sexy to me and I was getting turned on. I made sure not to tell her though as she talked. I gently placed my right hand under my scrubs and stroked my shaft that was now rising faster than gas prices. Sam and I hadn’t had sex in almost 3 weeks. Busy schedules coupled with her monthly visitor coming and a short trip to visit her sister, all disrupted “love and care” for me. I asked her to send me some naked pictures so I could take care of something’s on my end. She obliged and agreed that I had been patient enough lately and deserved some. So I waited and about an hour later, I still had not received anything. I was not horny, sexually frustrated and irritated. I was watching a documentary on some new innovative treatment the FDA just approved a  few months back on the television and then she texted back saying something along the lines of her changing her mind. I can’t exactly remember how but I immediately snapped and sent a series of extremely mean messages back to her. It was like venting but way meaner. She said nothing back besides “good night”


When I placed my phone back down, I knew I was fucked. I should never have gone off on her. I tucked away phone and slumped in my chair. I had gone from zero to sixty in mere minutes. What was wrong with me? I knew nothing was going to stop her from being mad at me that night, so I went back to work and tried as much as possible to keep her out of my head. That was pretty much impossible. My week had just gone from crappy to extremely useless. I continued to blame myself while I sent her a “good morning” text the next morning. She didn’t respond. I sent 24 unreplied messages to her with no response. I knew I pushed it this time so I planned to stop by her house the next day which was at this point, now two days later.

I arrived at about noon and walked up to the door. I was unlocked and the TV was on. Strange.

I looked down to my right by the pile of shoes and noticed a pair of men’s shoes that looked freshly taken off. I began to walk into the space. I was hearing voices but nothing from the living room. My heart was beginning to race now.

“Was Sam ignoring me the whole day to be with someone else?”

I gathered that the sounds were coming from her bedroom upstairs. I began to make my way up nervously. I was extremely terrified. At the top of the stairs lay men’s underwear and a black blouse. I placed my had over my mouth as I got closer. I was trembling. I placed my hand on the door and in one swoop took a deep breath while saying a prayer to God. I pushed open the door and froze. I couldn’t not believe my eyes, I was stunned and weak in the knees.

“How could this have happened?”

I tried to find the words to speak but nothing came out and then rage consumed me. I slammed the door shut and bolted down the stairs.

“How could they do this?”

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Erotica · Fiction · Uncategorized




Follow the writer on Twitter @adewus4real #WhatTheHeckMan


Leaves falling

Toasted skies

The morning dew elevated off the ground. People standing next to me as I looked up into the sunlight beaming straight on to my face. Down I placed my head; I was standing here in the midst of people… Present but alone.

I could hear their wails as my thoughts prevented them from settling in my head. Tears rolling down my cheeks emerged from behind my sunglasses; I stood there motionless and broken.

They lowered it in and the shovel was handed to me, I stood with it in my right hand. The contrast clear  as I stood in my black tailored suit and the shovel in my hand forcing me to look like a construction worker. I tightened my grip and placed my left hand on the shovel and in a digging motion; I dumped the first piece of dirt into the hole. A few minuteslater, final words were said and everyone walked away. People tapping on my shoulders expressing their sadness and condolences; I was glued in my spot.

It was only a matter of minutes and I was all-alone with flowers at the foot of the headstones and my thoughts. A fresh set of tears began to flow down my cheeks once more. I had just placed both best friends in the ground. My entire support system was gone. Both my parents had just been placed in a grave and buried. It is always hoped that the children will bury their parents but never expected at such a young age. I was inconsolable, broken and empty. My world was gone.

.    .    .    .    .

There were refreshments for the guests back at my parent’s house. I remember walking in and people still trying to console me. I headed straight for my room upstairs. Stopping by my parent’s room, I took one more look as some of their things had now been stuffed into boxes. I stood there waiting for them to walk in right behind me but they never came. Alone with a house filled with people, my heart ached and I turned back into my room.

My room was completely empty except for the blazer I wore the day before on the bed and my packed bags on the floor. I sat there in the corner of the room with my bags next to me. The room was empty and I just needed to feel present. It felt like I was still in shock. I had gotten the call from my uncle that my parents had been in a ghastly car accident while on vacation in Hawaii. I rushed down from my post in Florida where I was just finishing up my medical program. I had begged them to come on vacation to Miami and they refused. I really just wanted them to be with me. I had just finished a busy work cycle and I could have shown them around and more but they decided it was the Island they wanted to visit.

I played every scenario in my head trying to figure out if I could have been more persuasive and more aggressive in my appeals. I wanted to have one more moment with them. I held my father’s graduation cap in my hand as I sat on the floor remembering why I even went into medical school to begin with. I remember my father being diagnosed with prostate cancer years ago and his fight against it and the toll it took on him and our family. He came out on top but had various scares and I remember as a young lad in college wanting to be there for my family in anyway; medical or otherwise. Now they were gone. And I didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye.

I was snapped out of my thoughts by my uncle who knocked on the door.

“Who is it?”

I said wiping my tears away from my face.

“It’s your uncle Dele”

“Come in uncle”

I responded as I cleared my throat.

He came in and sat on the bed next to me and began with,

“My sincerest condolences Femi, I am truly sorry for your loss and that of this family. To lose them has really shaken us. I hope you are okay and I just wanted you to know that we love you and will support you in whatever way possible.”

“Thank you uncle. I appreciate it”

I said shaking his hand and standing to my feet. I picked my bags up and placed my jacket over my left forearm. Walking out of the room behind my uncle and scanning the house once more as I walked out. I was leaving behind my childhood and youth. My sadness could not have been put into words but it was evident that I was lonely.

Uncle Dele’s wife, my mom’s younger sister, came up to me and gave me a big hug whispering in my ear to always call and keep in touch. I did not hug her back. I did not trust her. It was still unexplained to me that my parents were on a vacation with them and it was only my parents that were involved in a suspicious accident. I felt like she had a hand in it. I didn’t know yet but I was going to find out especially as she was joint owners with my mother in her ceramics company.  I walked to my car and placed my bags in the trunk. As I walked around the car, I scanned the neighborhood I grew up in. I sat in the driver’s seat and looked at my boarding pass. I had a flight to catch and I still had to return this rental car. DFW to FLL it read, I wanted to leave now. I was leaving behind my life; my parents were never going to see me build my own home.


.    .    .    .    .    .


Give Me Love – Ed Sheeran

It had been 7 months since my parent’s funeral and I still had no answers as to what I wanted to do with my life and myself. I was functioning at about 65% of happiness. Many nights feeling alone and lost. In the blink of an eye, life had orphaned me. I couldn’t speak to anything to change my state. I pushed myself to brink by pulling myself away from the world. Alone in my room I would on cry many nights wishing there was a way I could get them back, even if it was for a few minutes but I got nothing.

Samantha and I had been dating for a few months, she was in many ways part of my recovery package. She made me feel whole. Sam as I called her, was one of the interns in the hospital and I met her when I was helping out another department during one of those late night shifts. She was patient and loved what I was and what I stood for. It was the little things she did that made me feel loved. Like when she cooked for me or showed particular attention to my drawings that I did for fun. Whenever I felt down and I wanted to hide or push her away, she would get stronger and stand her ground and be my backbone. I was falling harder and harder for this girl even though I was trying to do everything to push her away. I did not want to love and then be left hurt. I wasn’t going to love and then be abandoned or let life take someone I loved again.

Due to the long hours I worked at the hospital, the best time and only free time I had almost always seemed to clash with the time that Sam was working. Most of our dates were in scrubs and grabbing dinners from the hospital deli. But being close to her caused us to get to know each other better faster. I was attracted to her resilience in ensuring that I did not remain depressed. She never called me needy or showed that my hurt overwhelmed her. She sat there and really just wanted to work magic in my life, she was magic. I remember one evening about 3 months into dating her, she texted me that she was in the break room and she wanted to have sex right then!

It was the spontaneity that she exuded that caused me to be continuously drawn to her. I just wanted to be around her. I was wrapping up with a client when the text came through. I quickly glanced at it and prepared to dash out of the room. Ms Jacobs laughed one more time holding on to my forearm as she prepared to be discharged. I really just wanted to be out of there like I had places to be. I signed the final paperwork with the nurse and darted out. I remember somebody trying to stop me for something in the lobby by the nurses’ desk. I ran right past them, heading for the elevator door. I stood in front of it impatiently waiting for it to climb the four floors from the ground up. I had two more floors to go up to. Pressing it, it opened up and an older man, a patient stood right in front of me with a face guard on probably to protect himself from something. As we know, hospitals can be infectious too. I hopped in the elevator and asked,

“Up or down?”

He pointed up. Pressing the sixth floor, the door slowly closed and I looked at myself from top to bottom making sure that I looked okay andwasn’t covered in some odd liquid or something. At the sixth floor I hopped out, smiled at the man and turned around heading for the break room. I just needed to get through because my body could no longer contain the excitement and the pressure that was rising between my legs. I arrived at the break room and found that the door was locked as per our plan. Samantha had locked the door to prevent anybody else from coming in. As it was a shared break room if anyone had come in, we would have been stuck. Getting someone out of the break room was so much harder, so it was better to have the door closed. She opened the door and I let myself in closing the door behind me.

“How are you doing baby?”

I asked without giving her time to talk. I snatched her up off the ground and carried her, pinning her against the wall with her legs in my hands. I looked at her and scanned her chest downwards and planted a kiss on her lips. It was absolutely quiet and the only noise heard was that of our lips smacking on each other. I didn’t want to hear anything else or see anybody else. I could feel the stethoscope around my neck searching for my heightening pulse or my heartbeat I should say. It was throbbing as my body geared for the things it wanted to do. I pulled off her lab coat; dropping it to the floor it revealed her scrubs. We looked pretty much identical in what we were wearing even though I was a doctor and she was only interning.  I wanted to rip her scrubs but I knew she had to walk out of the room. So I slowly asked her to remove her shirt, which she did whilst hanging mid-air in my arms.  Her breasts emerged; looking like the perfect set I just wanted a piece of it. Immediately I began to work my tongue on the corner of the bra searching for her nipples. She began to moan. I wasn’t even where I wanted to be yet and she was already moaning. Down south, all I could remember was my hard package rising harder between my legs and all I wanted to do was stick it inside. I wanted to stick it deep inside her. I wanted her to feel it in her gut. I wanted her to feel every detail of every inch of my member inside her.  All my body wanted to do was connect with hers. I wanted to drive her wild and I was going to do it in that room. I walked her over to the couch in the break room and sat her down on it. In the same swift motion, I pulled her pants down while she removed my stethoscope. I was semi dressed and only in my pants with my hard member erect and pointing at her. She placed her right hand on it and licked her lips. A smile on her face as if to say,

“I can’t wait for this to be inside of me”

She continued to stroke it. I dropped back to my knees and parted her legs. I could see her starting to drip slowly. I licked my lips and she slightly shook. Going down I placed my tongue on her pink. It was wet and I was hungry. Without warning my tongue began to flicker in this crazy zigzag motion from left to right. Slow to begin with and then picking up the pace. I could see her with her hands wide apart grabbing onto the material of the couch. Her knees snapped back and forth as her toes curled. She tried to force her legs to close, clamping my head between her legs. It became a struggle to breathe but I was going to lick every bit of juice from her, till I got every single drop. Looking at me while I glanced up at her, she seemed to look at me with this look of injustice; as if I did something that she didn’t want me to do when in actual fact she wanted me to do it but didn’t know it would be of that much pleasure. I was having the time of my life. Making the woman I was falling for go “crazy” was just perfect. I could not imagine that feeling being given to her by someone else.

So there I was parting her lower lips with my tongue and sticking it inside her. It seemed to awaken something because at that point, she would not let me continue to feast on her with my tongue because now she wanted me to stick my now super hard and waiting package deep inside her tight wetness. So I straightened up gently and on my knees, I slowly slid into her. Wet. Slippery. Soaking. Hot. Tight. Wet. For a quick second, I had to contain myself because every guy would agree with me that going in too fast can mess up your entire routine. You then find yourself looking like a minute man; all because you went in too fast, into what is an amazing area of a woman’s body.  Kneeling up straight, I positioned myself and took a deep breath and began to pace. Sliding in and out, in and out. On my hairless chest she dug her fingers in, starting to want to scream. The pleasure of the motions with the risk of getting caught drove her over the edge and she became wetter driving so much more excitement through both of us. It was daring, dangerous and fucking hot. It defined our relationship in some regards. We could do it anywhere, anytime and anyhow (ask the staff at the local Subway).  This was the woman I could do anything with. All we needed was to make the right eye contact and let our bodies talk and no matter where we were, on a plane, in a train or even behind a drain or in that hospital break room; we made magic.

Refocusing my mind and looking down at her, she ran her right hand across my face, cleaning up the rest of her juices smeared on my chin stuck on my beard and took it into her mouth and licked it. Argh! I felt chills down my spine that travelled all the way to the tip of my member deep inside her. I almost wanted to explode right then but I held it together clinching my butt cheeks together. The pace began to pick up and I turned her over to my favorite position. On her fours pulling her hair, she turned looking back at me as if to beg me to take it easy but I knew that language.

“Take it easy” to me meant “fuck me harder till I cry and make sure I cum on your dick”

I continued my detailed efforts to ensure that all pleasure was given to her and I was not going to explode early. At one point, I had to distract my mind and think about something else because her wetness was so hot, I had to ensure that early ejaculation was off the table. Her wetness gripped me tight with every inch feeling the hot walls deep inside of her.  I grabbed hold of her waist with my right hand, pulling her hair back with my left she got louder and moaned,

“baby please fuck me harder I’m about to cum on your dick” 

Thrusting, my balls continued to slam on her clit and then craziest thing happened. There was a knock on the door.

“Who the hell could that be?”

I asked quietly and what were they doing there?

 My member still throbbing inside her while she stayed on her fours. We stayed still and panicked wondering if the person had the key to the room and was going to let him or herself in. I heard the person on the other side of the door say to someone down the hall,

“Oh it’s locked. Lets go to the other one”

I heard footsteps as they walked away and I began the motion again, sliding in and out reaching for deeper realms in her insides to ensure that we both hit our climax around the same time as soon as possible before we got caught. It was in and out, in and out with control and force. Her juices trickled down and tickled my balls. I was going insane and I knew she was too.

To speed up the process, I shifted my hands squarely on her clit and began to flicker my index finger. She slapped it out of the way and yelled,


I continued to go in and out of her and then she went silent.

Dead silent. She clamped her knees together with both my hands now on her waist. Her toes curled. Right at the moment I was about to cum, I pulled out of her and she began to drip as she came and exploded in the space between her legs on the floor. Liquids mixing on the floor, I slumped on top of her as she turned around and kissed her. We had to get going and get out of there fast. I headed for the cloth to clean up while she dashed into the break room bathroom and emerged a few minutes later. I looked at her and kissed her again. She walked out of the room first after promising to have dinner with me that Saturday night. I sat in the chair as I tried to catch my breath. That was fun. And sitting there, in that dark room my depressed mind began to take over again. Sigh.

.     .     .     .     .      .

It was 5:21am and I was pouring my coffee into my cup. I was heading to work but I didn’t want to go. I had just returned about 6 hours before and here I was heading out the door again. The struggle I now faced, I worked hard to become a doctor only to slave my life away to the system. I stopped by the mailbox to pick out the mail. It was a big batch of envelopes. I packed them all and shoved them under my left arm while I headed to the hospital down the street.

The day went by relatively smooth and I was only on my third cup of coffee for the day when I sat at my desk to go through my mail. The hospital desk was now my living room. I was about midway through the mail when I noticed a hand written letter from my aunt. I carefully tore open the envelope and read through the contents inside.

I was dumbfounded and confused. The house was meant to be sold and the money given to me. What was happening? What were my aunt and uncle doing? I couldn’t understand it. Only one line stood out to me and that was,

“…. We are moving into my sister’s house 

 My mouth wide open, this felt like a threat. She was trying to ruin me. Why would she do this?!

 I blurted out,

“What The Heck…”

Empty 2 and Thanks Shoutout! 


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Erotica · Fiction · Uncategorized

Mirage 4

Mirage 4


 Follow the writer on Twitter @adewus4real #WhatTheHeckMan

My father stood there motionless. Looking like he had been slapped hard by a Mopol officer. I had to ask the question again.

“What happened between…”

Sandra cut me off

“He heard you”

“Then let him answer

I snapped back as I stood up.

“Jide, it was a long time ago and I’m not proud of it but yes, it did happen.”

“What happened?!”

As my voice moved through the gears,

“Son, it was in the past and it’s not important”

He looked at me as if to convince me to forgive him instantly.

“You are a disgrace to this family in many ways and I’m embarrassed to be your son!”

I yelled back at him as I stormed out of the house. I wouldn’t speak to my father for another year after that. It just seemed like it was unfair. These men put us in the firing line. I always hoped that I would have one of those family names that I would carry with pride for the great things my father did. This ruined every bit of credibility or respect we had. I was crushed.

I drove to Arewa’s house to inform her of the things I had just found out. I needed to talk to someone I knew could look into my heart and could understand what I was going through.

I pulled up to Arewa’s house and walked in. Sitting in the first living room, I began telling her all I was told and everything my father said. I honestly have played the situation through my head many times but I still cannot understand how it came about that Arewa and I argued before I left her house; single.

The Arewa I knew when overwhelmed would shut down and or run away. It was very hard to take it all in at once and with all that we had gone through recently, she said, 

“This is too much. I just need space… I need a break. I don’t want to do this anymore” 

I was taken aback; confused and angry. 

“What did she mean?!”

We were supposed to stick together. This was a trying time for both of us and she was going to cop out!

I didn’t know when I said 

“Good riddance! You and your family can keep all your bullshit. If you’re going to take away my happiness, I don’t need you. Do whatever you want!” 

I got up and stormed out!

I was fuming but I knew as those words left my mouth that I didn’t mean them and I was probably going to regret them.

A few months would pass by with Arewa and I on this ego-enforced break. We weren’t speaking to each other. Messages to prick at each other were posted on social media pages to make the other feel uncomfortable. One of the ones she had that really got to me was on a day she posted a status saying “New state of mind. God knows where my heart now is”. I felt like she had begun to move on from me and that struck me. My ego would not allow me to initiate contact though. I missed my Queen but I was too proud to beg for her. 

.   .   .     .     .     .

“Arewa my dear. I know it is difficult at the moment but ask yourself. Do you truly love him? Could you really see yourself with anyone else? Will you be able to wake up years from now not next to him? Even if it takes two full years for things to line out, that man loves you and wants no one but you. Arewa mi, don’t let fear, pressures of the world and hurt cloud your true feelings. He loves you and you obviously love him”

I read the conversation between her and her mom encouraging her to come back to me and let us work things out. We had been through a lot for over a six year span since we first met. I knew she was the love of my life. I knew I needed to put my antics in check and make some grown decisions.

I was sleeping after a long day of errands and basketball when I got a call from a mutual friend informing me that Arewa had confronted Suzie at a friend’s BBQ that they were both invited to. Arewa confronted her and told her to back off me and stop being shallow. Basically referencing the messages from Suzie that I had been showing her.

I let the person finish and then turned back into the bed and went to sleep. I wasn’t going to die fighting someone else’s battles. I appreciated Arewa wanting to protect what was hers but never air out our laundry in public; Never. I went about my business when I woke up from my nap and headed to the gym. I was running back from my workout when I noticed Arewa’s car parked on the street in front of my house. I deeply sighed as I halted in my tracks. I slowly began walking towards her car. The sun rays shinning down behind me and into her windshield, I opened the car door and sat down in the passenger seat.

“I see you’re working hard”

She started with trying to break the awkward silence. This was always how she was trying to play off an awkward situation and eventually failing and making it even more uncomfortable. My heart smiled. She was too cute.

“Just trying to make sure I keep my slim figure”

I responded with a smile on my face.

And in a complete turnaround from the Arewa I knew, she apologized.

“I’m sorry for overreacting and leaving. I know how much you hate that. I love you and I know we have things to work on but I love you and I want to be with you and no one else.”

I was taken aback and frankly shocked for a few seconds. I finally gathered the words and said,

“I’m sorry too and I’ve missed you.”

Truthfully by Brymo

 We talked about things ranging from us to our fathers and even Suzie where she explained how she had lost her temper and gone off on Suzie at the BBQ. I wasn’t even going to address that. I told her it was okay and we just needed to move past it all. She agreed. I gave her a kiss on the lips and a long hug. Arewa was back but how much drama was she bringing with her.

I headed out of the car and opened up my gate as Arewa drove off. I stepped into the game and my phone buzzed. I pulled it out and gasped. Arewa had taken her stance and Suzie just dealt her hand, it was going to get bloody.


News within the Nigerian community travels fast something like an uncontrollable wildfire. It was not long before I was receiving texts asking if I was okay. I was horrified at the move that Suzie had taken. Suzie for refreshers was one of the beautiful but crazy and impulsive women. She was the type that her beauty clouded your vision and practically made you stay when you should have left. She had a horrible temper and I knew that the Instagram post she made was not entirely to ruin me, but was done in the heat of the moment and due to her anger. Women like that have continued to terrify me. I had to be able to trust your judgment and temperament when things get tough. I was shocked.

The whole world now knew about my father and Arewa’s father. That single Instagram post deleted a few minutes later was enough to set the ball rolling. All kinds of conclusions and angles were being drawn out. The fact that our fathers publicly hated each other made it harder for some to believe but for the majority of them, it was the main reason they believed it. In my mind, I kept thinking of how ruined I was.

There I was plotting what to do next with Arewa on Skype. We had to stick together through this one and fight through it together. There was silence over the call with the fire alarm dead battery beep the only thing that was interfering with the empty space between us. I told Arewa I was going to call Suzie. She asked if I was sure and I said I was. I picked up the phone and dialed her number.

It rang about 3 times before she picked up.

“What do you want?”

She asked in a rude tone like I was disturbing her.

Arewa heard it over the Skype call and cringed. She looked furious. I took a deep breath and said,

“Suzie, what was that? What were you trying to prove?”

“Nigga! Don’t come at me sideways. Go and talk to your girl. She was the one that came at me first and I responded. I ain’t no bitch! Someone come at me, I’ll hit them back right where it hurts. Fuck that shit!!”

She ranted on as I interrupted her, now highly irritated…

“Suzie, stop coming for me or my woman or I will bury you and your image in this town.”

“Huh? Nigga what? What the fuck you mean?”

She snapped back.

I continued

“I will just happen to lose my memory card and I cannot be held responsible for whatever happens to the pictures on there… Don’t fuck with me. I have enough to make sure you never get a day in the sun in this town again. Back off!”

Referring to the naked pictures she had sent me.

Click. She hung up. I looked at Arewa and smiled. She looked at me knowing that was handled. We were a team… Fuck whatever obstacles that might have hit us before. Now that we got back together we were impenetrable.

I ended the Skype call and got ready to head out to a meeting when my phone buzzed.

It was Arewa. Her message read

“When all this is over, I want you to delete all her pictures. Thanks”

I smiled and shook my head. Women sha.

.    .    .    .     .     .

The Suzie fiasco had blown over a bit. She was no longer a problem. Breaking down one evening, she called Arewa expressing that what she had with me in the time Arewa and I were broken up felt special to her and how she’ hadn’t had someone care about her that much before. I was touched because she was generally a nice person when she wasn’t being a brat or causing trouble. She and I would eventually talk later months down the road where she apologized for the whole thing but it was a “friendly” reminder that men had to always stay woke. But I also always knew that Suzie was not one to take defeat lightly, I didn’t trust her.

My father had moved down to Arizona with his girlfriend. Away from all the drama and shame. Arewa’s father had resigned from his post and was now looking for new ways like most Nigerian men to make money. He was still actively against Arewa and I being together mentioning it whenever he got the opportunity to people close to us. He was out of the limelight; a complete loner of some sorts.

Arewa had completely cut off her father at this point and was not speaking to him at all.

The shame and reproach that he had brought on her and the rest of the family was too much to bear. In true Arewa fashion, he had to go and go he did.

It was through her yearly routine STI and HIV checkup that it was discovered that Arewa’s iron levels in her blood were dangerously low. It was a difficult thing to hear and with the many ways that it could be treated, the doctor asked that a blood transfusion be the most effective method to be adopted. It was scary but that was a simple prospect that could be handled fairly easily with a donor from her mother.

Arewa and I went over to her mother’s house a few days later to jointly ask her for the blood donation. We didn’t even go there together because it was a big deal. We just happened to have been running errands earlier in the day together. We sat next to each other as I explained the situation to her and let her know why we were there.

“So mummy, we really need your help and after the transfusion Arewa should be fine”

I said. Without responding, Arewa’s mother began to cry. Slowly tears streamed down her cheeks through her tiny tribal marks. She began to sob profusely without saying a word. Confused, Arewa ran to her side and placed her left hand around her.

“Mummy, kilode?”

Asking her what’s wrong.

“Mummy, e ba mi soro. Ki lo se le?”

Arewa gently asked her mother wanting to know more with a concerned look on her face.

For long minutes, she continued to cry without saying anything. I was now sitting on her left side asking her what was going on. It was clear she was hurting; hurting from deep inside. We wanted to help but to fix a problem we knew nothing about? Difficult.

About 12 minutes had passed and still no response. Out of nowhere she gathered herself. Sobbing in Arewa’s arms while sniffling to control her watery nose. She began…

“Arewa my daughter, I love with you all my heart and everything I am in this world but you cannot use my blood. You can’t.”

She began crying again. I wasn’t sure what to say now and I was worried it was going to be something big. Was she dying?

“Arewa omo mi, I am HIV positive.”

She gently said amidst tears as she dropped the bombshell on us. Arewa clutched her tighter and looked up at me in shock.

.   .   .   .   .   .

“Mummy, what are you saying?”

Arewa asked as her voice shook. The tone had moved from concern to fear and sadness.

“How did this happen?”

Arewa continued.

“It’s your father”

She replied.

“I discovered shortly before you were born and have nursed it for years. I am grateful to God for protecting me this whole while and preserving my life”

She sat up to continue explaining

“Your father and I’s marriage was planned by our parents without my consent. There had been some sort of agreement between my father and your dad’s family. I was married off to him right after my A-levels back then. It was after our wedding that I discovered that he was into men. I told my mother back then who told me that there were many cases like that but I should stay and just have kids and not embarrass the family name. I stayed and got pregnant with you. I thought it was God’s way of showing his mercies on me. Who was I to complain?

He has been with various men over time since we married. I discovered I was infected before you were born and I knew you were a blessed child and I named you Arewaoluwa (the beauty of the Lord). Specifically the beauties in the works of the Lord when the doctors told me you were born without the virus. I am sorry I never told you but I never wanted to expose your father and hurt you…”

Arewa and I sat there in shock as she concluded. This was big…Really big.

There was a sense of relief allied with concern when Arewa asked her mother

“So how have you been living the past years?”

 “By God’s grace…”

Her mother responded. And that was truly why living that long and also with Arewa not carrying the virus was a miracle; one that we were both extremely grateful for.

That news brought comfort to Arewa’s mother because she was able to tell the truth to her best friend but I truly believe that the news only served to harden Arewa’s heart against her father.

I left that night heading back to my apartment as Arewa decided to spend the night with her mother and cheer her up. Sitting in my car, I thought about the last few months and just thought to myself What The Heck Man?

.   .     .     .     .     .

A few months had passed and it was beginning to seem like things had balanced out. There had been many changes. Arewa had moved closer to me after getting a new job, my father and I were talking again and Arewa’s parents were in the middle of a divorce.

Arewa had a real hatred for her father now and it scared me because I wanted her to forgive him. Even for all the pain he had caused he was still family and love was still meant to be afforded to him.

Every time I brought him up, she would shut him down. One day I brought up him potentially walking her down the aisle. She snapped at me and stormed out. I was from then on, extremely nervous about bringing him up again.

In my humble opinion there are three times a man feels as nervous as I knew I would be soon. Standing outside the waiting room of a hospital while your wife is delivering, the moment when she’s walking down the aisle towards you at the wedding and the actual act of proposing. In every one of those situations, you know that you influenced the act or the situation but then all the control is transferred to her. She gets to decide whether to say yes or not, it’s all up to God and her if she comes out of that waiting room alive. You just stand powerless and hopeful that you get the outcome that you really want.

I was walking through the mall, swerving and avoiding people as I made my way towards the jewelry store. I pulled up in front of the Kay Jeweler’s store and took a deep breath. I was going to make this decision, like take the first step towards doing it. I was going to ask Arewa to spend the rest of her life with me.

“Good evening sir. What brings you in today?”

A beautiful young lady in the tightest clothing I had seen in a while. I was confused for a second, I thought the plan was to help people get married and not get tempted to wander because my eyes were currently searching down her cleavage with her open top button of her shirt.

“A ring”

I responded with a nervous smile on my face.

“Aww! The big one I see”

She responded with a smile and continued by leading me towards a show glass filled with different kinds of rings.

“What’s your range and do you have a specific type in mind?”

She asked politely.

“About $3,000 – $5,000”

I answered as she began pointing to the shining and heart pulsing cabinet of rings. I pointed to and checked out a few of them knowing fully well that l I was making the right decision but that little bit of nervousness continued to jump towards me.

About 3 hours later I was walking out of the store with no ring in hand. I didn’t choke, they were going to polish the diamond at my request and properly size it to fit. I wasn’t about to let her wear it and then drop it down the sink. Shit. You drop a $5000 ring into the sink; you better turn into a tiny person and jump after it into the sink. God punish devil.

All In ft. Manifest by Camp Mulla

About two weeks later Arewa and I were out by the shoreline in Monterey, CA. Our hotel by the waterfront, it was beautiful. Arewa had no idea why we were out there. I had lied and asked for a vacation citing that we needed a break from all the craziness which we did. Arewa bought it easily.

The second night of our stay there while we had returned from touring the traveling Smithsonian exhibit that was on display at the local museum, I got ready for dinner and left while Arewa slept in the bed.

I left a note next to her telling her where to meet me for dinner.

About two hours later, she joined me at the restaurant while I had caught the playoff game on TV at a local bar. She looked beautiful as she walked in. I was just captivated by her beauty and her smile. This was my woman. She sat across from me as I repeatedly tried to prevent my eyes from undressing her. Leaving dinner we headed out to the beach, it was now past midnight and it was no coincidence. I held her left hand while she held her shoes in her right hand as we walked the coastline together. Reminiscing about the times, the pain, the memories from Oge to Suzie, our fathers, her health scare; we covered it all. She actually said the words “we have been through so much together and we have resisted the trials”.

That was my cue, I stopped and looked at her. Getting down on my left knee, I looked up to her face which was filled with surprise and happiness. I began to speak…

Walking on the edge of the levy

Hand in hand

Dreams in our hearts

We started this a while back

Time has flown by like the leaves during the spring shedding

We have grown so much together

But the love has stayed the same

You are a fire that burns in my soul

An able partner in this journey through life

And quest for happiness

Our imperfections together are

Perfections in progress

You are a true winner

A fighter determined to be the best

Your beauty is divine

Your smile captures my heart

Your body is a work of art Michelangelo would have been honored to see

I’m the lucky guy

That fate brought to an angel like you

I remember when you wrote our names in the sand

The water came and washed it away

Not our love

But it washed our love into a sea of peace and happiness

Where we can float together as one, 4 ever

To you I want to give my heart

With you I want to grow old

I don’t want the go another second in this world without knowing

That I belong to you and you to me

You have captivated my world

You are my Queen

Come and rule in my heart

And foster great generations with me

Arewa mi, will you make the happiest man in the world and share my plantains forever?

Arewa, will you marry me?

.     .     .     .     .     .

Folake, Mary, Iyanu, Itunu, Tumininu, Oluwatoyin; I couldn’t set my mind a particular one but I knew I had to soon. I pushed the trolley through the supermarket both my hands on the handles, I looked down at my finger now decorated with my band and my soon to be one and a half year old prince; Olaoluwa (the only name both our fathers were able to agree on from different ends of the world). Arewa’s father had finally moved back to Nigeria and mine was still in Arizona.

Arewa joined me at the end of the aisle rubbing her protruding belly. We were expecting again. She had given me a family, a home, true love. I was thankful for her and our journey together. Through the sea of adversity, she helped me towards happiness, navigating through the strong currents of life’s adversities. Arewa was it for me. She was everything and I could only hope that my daughter would be just as amazing as she was.

We reached the counter and I pulled out my wallet to pay just as Suzie walked in. She stole a smile before Arewa noticed and I smiled back. Arewa looked up and frowned.

“Debit or credit?”

The cashier asked as I put my card back into my wallet.

I turned around and noticed Arewa with a confused and angry look on her face. I looked down at her hand. I had felt this feeling before. The one where it seemed like my entire world was about to crash. Sitting in her palm, she had a condom. I looked down and it and then back up to her face. She composed herself and asked

“Jide, what the heck….?”




Lookout for my new story EMPTY next week. I hope you enjoyed Mirage. Want more Mirage? What happens next? Leave me a comment below.


Follow me on Twitter @ADEWUS4REAL

Till you read again. Ask the next guy/gal, #WhatTheHeckMan

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Mirage 2

Mirage 2



Follow the writer on Twitter @adewus4real #WhatTheHeckMan


Arewa rushed into the garage with her finger over her mouth motioning me to keep the noise level down and head out through the side door. I was feeling crazy as she planted a quick kiss on my face and pushed me out of the house. It was a close call. I stayed at the side of the house and put my clothes on. Somewhere in all my nervousness I must have timed myself wrong because as I walked out the side gate to my car, Arewa’s father walked out the front door. We both stopped in our tracks, stared at each other.

“Good evening sir..”

I sheepishly muttered thinking I had been caught and my life was about to be over.

“What are you doing here?!”

He questioned with a hint of anger in his voice.

He seemed upset but it was evident that he didn’t know that I’d just come from inside his house.

“I heard Arewa was home sir, so I wanted to say hi…”

I replied.

“No she is not! Go home”

He snapped back at me. I bowed my head to fake disappointment and walked towards my car. A slow smile parted my face. I had escaped!

.    .    .    .    .    .

A few weeks later, Arewa told me about this internship program she had gotten in San Diego. She said it would last for 3 months and that her father had been pressuring her to do it. She expressed that it was clear that he was just trying to get her out of my vicinity, but she’d agreed to do it. The experience was going to be great for her but I was more concerned about the separation. I feared the effects of the distance. I was sure she would learn a lot but we were going to be losing a lot too. My biggest and most secure confidant being far away from me was something I was not prepared for but I was willing to show support because I loved her. It was truly hard.

I acted out and intentionally argued with her over everything. It was my way of expressing that I was nervous about her going even as much as I loved her. I think the fear I had stemmed from some form of insecurity that what if she found someone else where she was going or realized that she wanted more from a man that I could not give her.

The plans for her move continued to fall into place and soon she was ready to leave.

A few nights before, Arewa called and asked me to accompany her on the10 hour drive down to San Diego. I asked about her parents. She explained that she had convinced them that a friend (a girl) would be driving down with her. I was glad. I immediately booked a return ticket and began to pack. A few nights later, we were on the road. We were about 3 hours into the drive as Arewa was fast asleep. I could feel her waking up as I was beginning to doze off. I had the music on full blast to help keep myself awake. She reached for the volume knob and turned the music down wanting to have a conversation. It initially helped to keep me awake but then I began to fall asleep as she spoke. She noticed it and began to poke me. I absolutely hated being poked at or pinched. I looked towards her direction as she began to get frustrated at her failed attempts to keep me awake. I ran my hand along her cheek and assured her that it was not her fault and that I was just tired. The next song came on and I continued to fight the sleep. The next thing I knew, Arewa reached over and began to unbuckle my belt. I was confused but my member got the message loud and clear as he began to rise to the occasion.

She pulled my briefs down and pulled him out, taking all of him into her mouth. She was working her warm tongue all over my shaft. I was definitely awake now! The problem I was having now was trying to stay focused on the road. She was slurping her spit as she worked from tip to base caressing my balls in her hand as she worked. The car was swerving as I struggled to maintain focus. I didn’t even realize when I sped right under a bridge, straight past a highway patrol officer that was parked there. As soon as I drove past him, he hopped on the freeway and began following me. He tailed for a little over a mile before turning on his signal lights flashing us to stop. The only problem here was that I told Arewa and she did not stop. I was about to run mad. I pulled over to the side of the road. A mixture of the possibility that we would be caught plus the wonders her tongue was working on my hard member had me on the brink of ejaculating. The officer waited a few minutes before coming out of his car; he must have been running the plates. In that time, I exploded a full load of hot silk into Arewa’s wanting throat. The officer was now walking towards us. Arewa took on her last lick and quickly covered my pants with her sweater. The officer walked up to her side of the car and peered through the window. Arewa greeted him as she wiped her mouth of all the fluid. The officer realizing the situation smiled and asked us where we were headed. I told him and he smiled again. He told us to be careful and drive safe before walking back to his car. Arewa had the biggest “dirty girl” grin on her face. She knew she was bad and that was part of why I loved her. She planted a kiss on my cheek and whispered in my ear…


Bad Bad Bad – G.R.I.P Boiz


“Now stay awake or I’ll have to go back for round two.”

My member rose instantly.

.   .    .    .   .    .

It had been 3 months without my baby but she was back. Her internship was the success we all thought it would be but I was beyond pleased that she was home. We had missed dinner dates, movies, walks and cuddling. I loved cuddling with her when we locked our legs together as we slept. It just felt right!

That weekend, we decided to have dinner and a movie. I always hated the order of things when it came to that because I would eat dinner first and then sleep through the entire movie. So I asked for dinner to be after the movie and she agreed.  She was late as always getting ready for me to pick her up. We got to the movie theater later than scheduled and found out that the tickets for that particular showing time were sold out. The next movie started about 45minutes later. We basically had time to kill. Seeing as we hadn’t had any sex in a while we decided to go to the empty secluded parking lot next to the movie theater. The plan was to have a quickie and head back to watch the movie but I should have known better; it was Arewa after all, my undercover freak.

We pulled into the parking lot with the movie theater behind us and some residential homes to the right of us. I made sure we were parked closest to the wall to prevent the people on the second level in the home being able to look into the car.  It was a proper beat up 92 or 93 Lexus. The right rear side was bashed in from a hit and run she had been involved in a while back. The leather seats that burned butts and backs in the summer heat were the bed for the afternoon. We both crawled into the back seat without coming out of the car. I pushed the seats forward as she slid her sweat pants down preparing for me. She looked at me as I turned around as if to let me know that I had work to do. Her first kiss set the tone. It was wet, hot and inviting as her left hand pulled my head in towards her body that was now laying down into the back seat. I kissed back; my tongue swirling in her mouth as our body used our mouths as a mixer for the dicey cocktail it was preparing. I let my left hand head down south to drown in her wetness while my right hand travelled back to unhook her bra.  Every motion executed perfectly without breaking our now workout worthy make out session. I pulled back and looked deeply into her eyes. I was in love with Arewa. This wasn’t some Romeo and Juliet type of thing but it was damn near close. She was all I wanted and I was all she wanted. At least that was what our bodies were saying. I worked my left index finger in the fastest motion I could think of. She was moaning into my mouth as my lips trapped the sounds. I let my mouth go and placed her left breast in my mouth and gently nibbled on her rock hard nipples. I slowly kissed her navel as I worked my way down to her chocolate factory. I could hear the dripping, as I got closer. She was dripping and my tongue began to water. I planted kisses around her pink making sure to avoid her clit and then she did one of the sexiest things a woman had ever done to me. She placed both her hands behind my head and pressed it onto her clit forcing me to approach and begin to dominate. I twirled my tongue from side to side waiting to find my rhythm and then it came. I could feel her juices covering my barely visible moustache. She tasted so good. Like expensive milk chocolate that melted in your mouth on the first touch of the tongue. Sigh, it was magical.

After about 10 minutes of making her squirm and her yelling out how much she hated me because I was making her cum, I straightened up my body and slipped the condom on. I was ready to dig in.  I parted her legs and placed them on my shoulders as I guided my rock hard member into her. She moaned with her tone asking me to be gentle. I slowly went in and out covering my shaft with her wetness. Fully lubricated, I began to pace my thrusts. Each one deeper than the last, I was going to make her feel me in places she never knew possible. She was looking at me for dear life as I grabbed her neck with both hands and continued to dig into her totally dripping body. We were literally dripping in sweat at that point. She was yelling out obscenities, as she knew I was intentionally stroking deeper and deeper. I had her turn around for a change in position as she poked her ass up to me. I held both cheeks apart and slowly slid back in. She attempted to grab into the seat belt straps but I think she realized the waste of effort it would be as I was clearly driving her over the edge.  I wanted to cum so I began to pick up the pace. She wasn’t going to let that happen. She had me lay on my back and then she got on my member standing upright and began riding. Her booty clapping on my dick was beyond amazing and it was driving me nuts! I was saying all kinds of crazy shit and then she pulled my pulsing member out of her your pussy and started sucking it. All her pussy juices off my hard cock and she went on to suck my balls too! Oh yeah! She took me to the brink of explosion and then she rose up and positioned her wetness on my member and began riding again. I grabbed her hair while she screamed calling me “daddy” and telling me to “fuck her harder!”


She could tell that I was nearing my climax as I had both my hands on her waist as she continued to bounce up and down. She knew it was very close as I went completely silent to focus on my imminent explosion. She bounced her juicy ass with precision, ensuring that each stroke was full and deep as her juices flowed onto my balls. It only took a few more thrusts and then I heard her say,

“Cum inside me baby. Blow that load inside me! I want to feel you”

I exploded inside her just as she had asked. We lay there on the leather seats, drenched in sweat and barely fitting onto the seat. She placed her head on my chest as she complained about a cut she felt on her knee. It must have come from the seat belt clip when I had her on all fours. I apologized for it and promised her some frozen yogurt. The car windows were entirely fogged up as we joked that we couldn’t tell if it was still bright outside the car.  And then it dawned on both of us! We had forgotten entirely about our movie. But hell, we had just made the R-rated version and it was steamy.

.    .    .    .    .    .

Arewa by Sean Tizzle

Arewa and I had been fighting a lot lately. It was nearing the end of the semester and the stress was starting to get to both of us. We weren’t talking on the phone as much. A full day would pass and maybe one phone call would be exchanged between us. I was starting to feel under appreciated and somewhat forgotten. I found myself spending most of my nights speaking to Suzie; one of our mutual friends. We had gotten close after Arewa moved. Her boyfriend was in a different state and it seemed like we just got each other. I was never planning on having sexual relations with her but with time a lot of flirting drifted into our conversations. One day I accidentally sent a message intended for Suzie to Arewa. I played it cool and lied my way out of the situation but I knew Arewa was now suspicious of me and wanted to get to the bottom of things. Completely forgetting that she had the password to our joint phone account, Arewa logged on and documented my call logs with Suzie. Women snoop… they’re the greatest detectives alive! She confronted me and accused me of cheating. I was able to deny it because I knew she was speaking of physical cheating but I knew I was emotionally cheating. I felt bad about Arewa having to feel like there was another woman and I tried to cut off Suzie but it was hard. I was in too deep.

One afternoon, we were driving around town as Arewa was visiting. The conversation somehow led to my relationship with Suzie and how she knew that it had not ended, I vehemently denied it. The entire time, my phone was buzzing in my pocket. Arewa must have sensed something with that famed intuition of women and somehow she cornered me into having to prove to her that it was not Suzie texting me. I was screwed. I tried to give some flimsy excuse about how having to show her my phone meant she didn’t trust me. She was starting to buy my bs when my phone buzzed again, I knew it was Suzie. I just felt it in my bones. Arewa snatched the phone with speed.  She opened the message and her jaw dropped. She turned at me and glared. For about 10 seconds she didn’t say a single word and then right when I was about to start speaking, she threw my phone right at me and told me to get out. We were in the middle of nowhere and she asked me to leave. I walked out of her car with my briefcase and jacket. I opened the message as she sped away. I was right… It was Suzie. The message was enough to break a marriage.  It was an image with a message that was totally not needed and certainly unexpected. It read…

Suzie: 2:16pm “Here you go boo. I hope you are ready to pound this round ass. I can’t wait till she leaves so I can have you to myself. Hope to see you soon. XOXO”


I felt my knees give way under my body. I knew I was fucked.

Gbege by Charass


Lookout for Part 3 next week!!!!!!!!!

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Amnesia 3

Amnesia 3


Picture for story purposes only. @adewus4real #WhatTheHeckMan

Nina Simone- Do I Move You


What happens if I can’t be the man you need?” I asked.

Do I move you?” I continued.

She turned to her right side and placed her soft left hand on my right cheek, looking searchingly into my eyes as if to make sure I believed every word she said. She started,

Andrew, I love you and I want to be with you. I have known I have wanted you for the longest. You are what I want…”

My heart melted as I closed my eyes as she ran her hand through my freshly trimmed hair. I leaned in and planted a kiss on her lips and then another on her forehead. This is what I wanted. I had needed to feel this kind of love. The type that makes a man secure within his body and at home with his insecurities. I knew Audrey made me feel safe. The connection we had shared for years was phenomenal. In many ways I always felt like she completed me but I was never ready to admit it.

.   .   .   .   .

Everything was starting to gel and then the unthinkable happened. Audrey’s mother who had been terminally ill passed away and her father had now taken ill too. Audrey had to move back home across the country to take care of him. My support system was gone. Talking on the phone and Skype was not the same and sooner rather than later, it was hard to keep up. Working, taking care of her father and then me, it was all too much for her. I was the one that got dropped. Audrey was also dealing with her own bouts of depression and guilt in feeling like she let her parents down by globetrotting the world for her career. She never really stayed around to give back to them for all they did for her.

When I returned from the funeral, I spiraled out of control. More drinking, more smoking and hardly going into work. It was no surprise to me when I walked in one day after missing two days of work that my manager called me into his office and sat me down. He said,

“Andrew, you are one of the best brains in the business but your head hasn’t been here since the tragedy. Top management wanted me to fire you based on your performance but I’m not going to do that. Instead, I’ll report on the file that it was due to reallocation of resources. I’m doing this so you can tap into the unemployment package. I wouldn’t want you to be hung out to dry…”

I appreciated JC (my manager) for letting me know and I wasn’t that upset to be frank; I half expected it to happen. My performance had been mediocre at best. I was punching at 54%. Being dismissed should have been a wakeup call but it wasn’t. I was burning through my savings faster than I could imagine. Alcohol and meth were not cheap. Suppressing my depression was even more expensive. I just wanted to drown all the pain but sooner than I realized my account was in pain.

I knew I needed to start looking for another job but I had to get clean first, I was low. My cousin after numerous attempts finally convinced me to go to a group from recovering substance abusers. Reluctantly, this particular Tuesday, I went. It was in a shady neighborhood. The GPS decided as always to give up the ghost a few blocks down from the location so I was not entirely sure where I was going. I knew I had come this far for a reason, I needed change and more importantly, I needed help. The sun had firmly tucked itself away behind some of the tall skyscrapers far north of my location. There was a man behind me impatiently waiting for me to find my location and parking so that he could get to his appointment.

“Come on!” he yelled out of his car window.

The guy hurriedly sped off as I found a parking spot and tucked my car into it. Looking around the neighborhood, I didn’t feel comfortable with my surroundings so I moved all my belongings into the glove compartment and locked it up. Tucking my keys into my coat jacket, I scanned myself from top to bottom to make sure that I was looking well. I was already going to this place to seek help; I did not want to be showing up looking like a bum also.

I hate public recognition or attention. I thought I was going to sneak into the meeting without anyone noticing my entry. Those dreams were dashed pretty early as I entered the room. The lady running the group saw me walking in from the back of the room and smiled. Majority of the group was sitting in a circle and backing me, her smile caused them all to turn and see who it was. I kept my walking pace and found myself sitting down. I looked around the group attempting a weak smile with the few people I made eye contact with. I was slightly nervous but their warm faces made it possible to feel a bit more comfortable. The person who was talking had just finished up and the Chairperson looked at me and said;

Hi, and welcome to Pickleweed’s support group. We normally share our struggles and a bit about ourselves but you don’t have to share anything today if you don’t want to. Once again… welcome!”

I nodded back as she gave room for a brief moment of silence as if to invite me to speak up.

“My name is Andrew” I started…

“Hi Andrew” Everyone responded in call- response fashion.

I am here to get help and support. I feel like I have hit rock bottom and I need help…

Everyone nodded like they knew my struggle and over the course of time, I would understand why most of the people in the room that day nodded. They knew what my journey was like; they were either into or currently traveling through theirs like I was. I spent a lot of that session just listening to other members express their issues and watched how the staff and other people in the group helped each person explore ideas on how to deal with their problems. I was shy… very shy. I just wanted to sit in the back of the room to be honest and observe which was what I did throughout most of the session.

For many weeks, I would sit like that trying to figure out when I would be able to share something or contribute. One evening, I walked in after a hectic day of looking for a job. I sat there with my head down; pondering and listening as others discussed things. I’m still not sure where I got the courage to start speaking but I there I was opening up to these people.

“My name is Andrew…”

Without waiting for response, I put my hand up in a motion to prevent them from responding.

“I have been using alcohol and methamphetamine to drown my pain since I lost my family. An unborn baby at childbirth and her mother left me a few months later…”

I stopped briefly to hold the tears, as all the emotions seemed to flow to my eyes at that moment.

“I also recently lost my job as a result of my new addiction.”

I continued, “Listening to you all for the last few months, I have come to realize why I drink and why I use meth. I feel insecure in my body and feel that my mental state needs to be altered to prevent me from having to deal with all the pain. I just wanted to share it with someone going through it, talk to people or be around people. It has certainly helped me a lot. Thank you all.”

I raised my head to make sure they all saw the sincerity in my eyes while I continued to fight back the tears. I was immensely grateful for this group. It had been a long process but I felt like I was finally on my way to getting back on the right track. I had been clean for 3months; not a single drink or single hit.

.   .   .   .   .   .

My friend Helen had put me in touch with this job opening. I was skeptical because although it was in a field similar to mine, it wasn’t anything I was comfortable in but I needed work. I had burned through all my savings and sleeping on my cousin Juliet’s couch hasn’t been the most welcoming feeling for a man like myself. She was family but my pride was getting in the way. I wasn’t contributing as much as I wanted to and I felt like I was being a burden even though she never said I was and tried to make me feel as comfortable as possible.

Being the type of person that I am, I don’t know how to ask for help and hate feeling like I’m inconveniencing anyone. I think more than anything, it was the guy she was seeing that was mad at me. Since I stayed there, he had only been allowed over twice and hadn’t spent the night at all. It was interesting to watch but I couldn’t help but laugh on the inside. I kept trying to get him to realize that we weren’t competing against each other, she’s my blood… but oh well!

I was up late the night before my exam. This job had a placement exam. My proficiency on certain management theories was to be evaluated. I had been studying all night listening to music on the number one African online radio station that an old friend had put me on. There was something about African music that I really connected to. The struggles and perseverance of the legend Fela was something I could relate too. I had also heard of some “new school” guys. It was 24 hour non-stop music and I loved it. There was a chat room on the website where people just logged on and talked about everything. That was a welcome break from studying too. There was this beautiful lady that caught my eye on there. She had been up all night studying; wearing this white shirt with a big red heart across the face. I was captivated by her voice and how interested in what I was doing she seemed. She asked me questions about me and it was nice to have someone new to meet and talk to since Audrey was still upset with me. It was about 4am and a few of us were still on the chat room listening to music and studying or doing whatever else. There was an engineer working off like 5 computer screens preparing for a presentation a few hours later. It was motivating. I felt like I could do it, all these people like me; all working hard to be better. I was pumped and then out of nowhere, a random dude logged into the chat room, turned his video on and began stroking his penis on camera for the rest of us to see. Everyone squealed out in shock, he was duly blocked and reported as spam but as we all laughed it off, I knew I needed a better life. I had to get this job! The struggle life was not made for me.

.   .   .   .   .   .

My first week at my new job was amazing. Everyone was very welcoming and it seemed like I was finally finding my feet. The staff that I was in charge of helped me stay grounded and together. I was pushing for great things and I knew that no matter how hard it got, the hardest part being the exam had been conquered.

My supervising manager was great. She had a welcoming smile and always seemed to go the extra mile in ensuring that I was well adjusted. We had weekly supervision meetings where we would talk about the staff that I was supervising and better ways to manage the staff. Over time we became comfortable with each other. Sharing personal information duly followed. We became what I would sometimes have called “friends”. She even invited me over to her house for a personal dinner she was hosting for some friends.

The chemistry was becoming evident with personal jokes at the office, stealing smiles and taking our lunch breaks together. I had to have the conversation with myself and ask “was I starting to like her as more than a friend?” I tried to suppress my growing feelings for her but it wasn’t working. One bright Friday afternoon she came into the office looking dressed to kill. Her sunglasses covering her beautiful brown eyes, her hair flowed to her back as she carted across the hall in her pencil skirt supported by stunning blue heels. I was talking, coming from the other end of the hallway walking towards her… we made eye contact and both flashed a sly smile. Mine was saying “Damn! You look great” and hers in response as if to say, “Yes I know”. She walked into her office and stood at her desk sorting through her mail and newspapers. Glancing up, our eyes met now as her glasses had come off. She smiled but I tried to hide. I had been staring.

I couldn’t focus throughout the day and I knew why. Sally was running through my mind. Those legs, those eyes, her lips… I found myself wanting all of her! It was about 3:30pm when she walked into my office. She shut the door behind her, closing the blinds she smiled as she walked towards me. I leaned back in my chair with a smile on my face. She came around the desk while pushing my seat back; she sat on my lap and planted her full red lips on mine. I closed my eyes as I took her in. Her lips felt like new silk sheets, my lips pursed open as her tongue searched the cavity of my mouth. My heart was racing, we were about the same age but this was my boss; my superior. She placed her right hand behind my head as she pressed her full breasts unto my chest. Leaning back I ensured that she felt comfortable as I continued to kiss her. Breaking the kiss, she leaned away from me and smiled. My lips were covered in bold red lipstick. She got up, looked at me as she straightened out her clothes. She then leaned in and whispered in my ear,

Next time when you want something, just ask and don’t wait around till you miss out on it” and then she walked out.

I was in shock. I wasn’t sure whether I was supposed to feel violated or excited for things. I could not wait for the day to be over. I picked up a napkin and cleaned off the lipstick on my lips. Wow! I thought to myself. What was happening?

.   .   .   .   .   .

I locked the door behind me as I invaded her office. This was my turn…She had woken up the sleeping giant! I walked around the desk and flipped the chair. I told her it was about to be her turn to be blown away. Down to my knees I dropped, I slid my hand up her thighs as she stayed glued in her seat. Reaching her waist, I pulled her lace panties down and flung them behind me. She lifted herself up to pull up her skirt. Spreading her legs apart, I planted kisses around the insides of her thighs working my way home. I could taste her wetness as my lips gently met her lower lips. The one way exchange of fluid as my tongue siphoned all of her juices into my mouth was driving her insane. With her legs on my shoulders and her hands on my head, I worked my way around her clit. Her hair, full and luscious was now all over the place as the pleasure coursed through her veins driving her insane. I kept working my tongue on her wetness powering it from left to right at an uncontrollable speed while my hand reached into my back pocket to pull out the condom. Not breaking a motion, I slipped it on and got up.

“It’s huge! Weren’t you going to let me taste it?” She asked looking like I cheated her out of a fine deal.

“Maybe some other time”

I replied with a smile as I stretched my hand out to her. I picked her up and bent her over the desk. Her skirt now rumpled up and firmly around her waist. With her heels on she was about 5 inches taller and perfectly placed for my hard member to explore the depths of her. I slowly slid into her tight wetness. She didn’t gasp but let out a slow welcoming moan as my manhood responded by getting a bit harder. The strokes were slow and controlled as she looked back at me. My knees felt weak. The sight of her wanting me to “own” her was a massive turn on. An element of dominating your superior was also at play. The pace picked up as she started kicking back to me… As I thrust deeper and deeper, her moans were getting louder. I was pounding harder now.

“Andy… Andy… Yesss…. Keeping doing that! Harder!!!”

She scratched the desk looking for a hold and moaned as I grabbed her waist and smacked my pelvis on her ass. Her ass was amazing. This woman was as dedicated with her work as she was with her body. I was giving it to her with precision and she was taking me as her ass rippled back to me with each thrust. The climax beckoned as she moved her left hand to play with her clit and grab my balls as I continued to pound hard. A few minutes later it was grunt after grunt as I unloaded my seed. I pulled out of her and gently took off the condom to put my clothes on. She looked at me and smiled, it was not a genuine smile. It looked cheeky but evil at the same time. I wasn’t sure why.

“That was great. We should do that again sometime…” I said.

“It was but that was a mistake. It shouldn’t have happened”

I was confused. This woman was just moaning the shit out of my name a few minutes ago and now this was a mistake? She said nothing further as I put my clothes on to leave. I was really confused and fearing for the worst. Did I just get played?

.   .   .   .   .   .


The weekend was rough. I couldn’t help but think that something bad was going to happen. I tried to stay positive. I went to the gym that Saturday morning and to get some food with a friend. I took a long walk on a trail behind the house. Even the beautiful view couldn’t help me stop thinking about the smile on her when I walked out of her office. I picked up my phone and texted her on Sunday afternoon;

Me (11:38am): Hey you

Sally (2:04pm): Hey, I’m good.

       (2:05pm): I’m out at the moment. I’ll text you later.

She was blowing me off. I was more freaked out than I needed to be. Why was she being like this? Was the sex awful? I thought of every reason possible but I couldn’t figure it out. I wanted to find out why right then. I was tempted in my frustration to go out and get a drink. I held it together and turned in for the night early.

The next day I arrived at work earlier than usual. I was in my office working when she walked in; she looked at me flashing me a smile and stopped to ask how my weekend was. I smiled. I was feeling a little bit better. Work continued to go smoothly and then I got an intercom call from Sally asking me to please come to her office. I felt a tingle in between my legs as this was said. I finished up the email I was working on and I walked out my office and headed for hers. I opened her door and I noticed her sitting behind her desk and the human resources manager sitting in the chair across from her. She looked up and asked me to take a seat which I did.

Twenty five minutes later, I was walking out of the office; stunned. She had basically just fired me because I was not the right fit for the job they hired me for. I couldn’t believe it but in some ways I could. Sally looked right at me and let me go. 72 hours prior, she was moaning my name and now she was letting me go? I felt like I had been punched in the gut. I walked into my office and waited a little after 4pm to begin packing my things. I exited the building an hour later. Walking to my car, I was fuming and confused. I sat in my car for about an hour just trying to process what had just happened. I had fought and worked so hard to get this job and I all of a sudden I was now being dismissed? I felt like she played me. I felt played! Slowly the thoughts began to creep into my head, I wanted to sniff or hit some Meth. I could smell it. I wanted it. I was going to get it!

I called my old dealer. He was just as shocked to hear I wanted it again. I swung by “my guy” and picked up the stuff. He along with a voice in my head kept telling me not to do it, to remember how far I’d come and how long I had stayed clean for. I was so angry with the world that I kept repressing those better thoughts and his advice. I arrived at home and headed straight to the bathroom. Pulling off my shirt, I closed the bathroom door and sat on the closed toilet seat. Cigarette in hand and all my utensils lay out on the edge of the sink. I tied my black tie to round my right bicep prepping for my shot there. I had one last thought to stop as the voice of reasoning snuck in one last time. I ignored it.

I called my sponsor to see if he could talk me out of it, knowing well that he would be at work and not be able answer his phone. True to that, he didn’t answer the phone. I took it as a sign from above to go ahead.

Hit one…

Sniff. Sniff…

I could hear the music playing in the background.

I was starting to climb through the clouds. I was feeling good again.

Eyes batting, I laid down on the cold bathroom floor. All the thoughts began flooding my head. This was it… This was that feeling…

Feeling Good by Nina Simone


My phone started ringing… I was too high to want to get up.

A short while later I heard the front door open, it was my cousin letting herself in.

“Shit!” I cursed quietly….

I didn’t want her to see me like this. I was starting to try to clean up. Opening up the window slightly. I rushed to pack things up. I was using the towel to fan the smoke out of the bathroom. I was now sweating profusely, my body reacting to the things I had ingested. It had been so long, I was getting dizzy. I sat back down and held my head in my left hand. A few minutes and my cousin was calling out my name seemingly from smelling the smoke. She pulled open the bathroom door and there I sat, looking and her as she stared at me in disbelief….

She opened her mouth to talk but no words came out. I knew I was fucked… It looked like she wanted to scream… #WhatTheHeckMan

The story has finished for this part! Oya LEAVE ME A COMMENT BELOW! LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK. Stop trying to be waist! lol. DO IT!!!! 

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Amnesia 2

Amnesia 2


 @adewus4real #WhatTheHeckMan

I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me… like I was going to die. This could not be happening. The doctor held onto me as I began sobbing like a little baby. I was distraught. The doctor explained to me that there had been some complications and the baby was putting Lindsey’s life at risk.

Why?“ … Why did this have to happen?” I asked looking to God.

I was wailing like my whole world was crushed when the janitor walked into the room and helped the doctor lift my wailing and embarrassing self off the ground. This was unfair!

I truly could not believe my ears. I’m pretty sure I cried for about 3 days straight and Lindsey even longer.  It was heartbreaking. All our hopes and dreams; gone. I questioned God. I questioned life. I questioned the strength our love. That was the time when we needed each other the most but that was the time we failed.

It all began when I noticed that she had been in contact with the father of the child; a former friend of mine. With our growing apart, she was seeking solace somewhere else. Was it my fault that I couldn’t get over what had happened? It was date after date. Late nights and no texts back. Smelling like another man’s cologne when she returned home in the early hours of the morning. She would come in and curl up next to me. We would still have sex but it was just sex. There was no love between us. Slowly I began to hate her. God was not answering my questions and I needed someone to hate and so I turned all my hate to Lindsey. It was her fault. She had sex with someone else. This was supposed to be someone else’s cross to carry and not mine. I did not set foot into the nursery we had prepared for the baby for almost 2 months. I was deteriorating; and crashing fast.

Alcohol was only one of my poisons and it was affecting every aspect of my life; from work to relationships to extended family. I was depressed and just wanted to be away from Lindsey at all times. I truly hated her because every time I looked at her, I imagined what the baby would have looked like. I just wanted to die. Therapy was ordered by my job and we went for the first few sessions and then I gave up on it. I was not motivated to force myself to get over the pain. Lindsey let go faster than I did and I hated her even more for that.

Meth burning through my pockets faster than it was taking to cook. I remember one evening when I was out by the water where I normally go to clear my head. I was so high and I just sat there… alone and helpless. I don’t know where the thoughts came from and I want to stand by them not being hallucinations but I began to take my clothes off. It was only after a passerby asked me what I was doing that I realized that I had been standing stark naked overlooking the water. What was happening to me?


.   .   .   .   .

It had been three months since we lost our baby girl. I was still not over it. I think there was a part of me as a man that wanted to stand for something. Something bigger than me and being the best father I could be was the start to that. Religiously, every Friday night, I would go to the park where I had hoped to take my baby girl. Clutching the one blouse I bought her in my hand, I would imagine what could have been until tears flooded my eyes or until I got drunk; whichever came first.


One night, I returned home fairly tipsy after a few drinks at the bar down the street from my house. Walking in, I heard Lindsey on the phone. I ignored her and stumbled my way up the stairs into the room. I was laying face up on the bed staring at the ceiling fan. Slowly I began to get dizzy… I closed my eyes. Deep breathe in; I’m not even sure if I exhaled. I could feel sleep begin to overtake me.

I heard Lindsey walk into the room to make sure I was asleep, but I wasn’t. With my eyes closed and my heart rate significantly lower, I understand why someone would have thought I wasn’t awake. I could hear her talking to her friend; not sure which gossipy one it was but they were talking about a man. It only took a few more lines to piece together that she was talking about Devin, the same fucking guy that got her pregnant. Putting it all together, I deducted that he had been over at the house earlier. She was talking about how much of a good kisser he was and how he was a gentleman for not going further and trying to take it to the “next level”.

I was fuming now. In my drunken stupor, I got off the bed and charged at her in the living room. Snatching the phone and throwing it in one sweeping motion, I broke it on the wall. She was livid. She glared at me in anger and shock for a good minute and then got up and walked out without muttering a word. I was still angry. I tried to follow her into the room but she had locked the door. The couch was my bed that night. I woke up in the middle of the night flooded with regret, anger and confusion.

“Was she moving on to someone else?”

“How could she?”

I wasn’t ready for all of this. I was going to attempt to talk to her the next day. I turned over and looked at the broken phone in the corner of the room. It looked like a shiny new toy that was now useless and broken like it belonged to a petulant kid who felt they were more than they really were. It was small and had landed in the corner near the bathroom door. It was never going to amount to anything. My eyes grew heavy and they batted slowly. Sleep had arrived.

.   .   .   .   .

“This is just a friendly reminder that your Comcast bill is overdue. Please contact us to avoid disconnection…”

That was the voicemail off the answering machine tailed off as I poured myself a cup of coffee. My head was pounding in my hands. My eyes were heavy. I was clearly hung over. Lindsey was gone when I woke up. Her things were still here so I’m guessing she wasn’t gone for good.

I looked at the time; it was 11:28am. If this was a Saturday, it would have made sense but it wasn’t. Tuesday morning and I was here at home with a hangover and absolutely no motivation or fucks to give. Days like this where I missed work were becoming the norm. I slumped into the couch, turned on the television and began watching the typically annoying court shows.

I looked at myself. A progressive programmer slumped in my couch like a bum with no direction in life catching ICDC college commercials. It began to depress me. I got up and went to the bedroom to pick up my phone.

16 unread text messages, the two most important ones read;

Lindsey: Received 8:03am


Audrey: Received 9:46am

Guess who’s back?! I’m in town. We need to ‘connect’ J ”

I smiled after reading the second message. Audrey was the one I had wanted to be with before I got back with Lindsey but she had gone to Thailand to volunteer for a few years so it never really took off. There was an obvious connection and physical attraction between us, but she respected the fact that I was with someone so she kept it low-key. I wasn’t technically single so I wasn’t too hyped about doing anything. It did cross my mind though. Exploring things with Audrey that is…

“Welcome back! And yes we should hangout sometime.”

I wrote back to her carefully avoiding her subtle invitation for sex.

The conversations went on for a few more weeks without me really trying to push for anything. We had gone to the movies once and met at a mutual friends birthday dinner but nothing happened.  One Sunday evening I returned home from visiting a friend in a neighboring city. It was late and Lindsey wasn’t home. I was settling in and preparing for the next day when I realized that I hadn’t washed the shirt I was planning on wearing the next day. I rushed to throw it in the washer but I noticed some other clothes were in there. I took them out and placed them on the dryer right next to me. I put my shirt and a few other items in and started the wash. I opened the dryer to throw in the damp clothes only to find some clothes in there as well. I pulled them out and moved them out of the way. In motion I realized that they were men’s clothes. More importantly they were not mine… And I was talking men’s undergarments! I somehow already knew what was going on. I dropped them in the empty hamper and reached for my phone. I texted Lindsey to find out what had happened with Devin

Me: Was he here?

Lindsey: Yes

Me: Did you have sex with him?

Her response was delayed but the torn condom wrappers in the bathroom already answered the question. It was done.

Her response came in as my phone buzzed,

Lindsey: “Yes. I’m sorry”

It was a slow double break of my heart. I sat on the toilet seat and cried. I had just lost my best friend; again.

.   .   .   .   .

 Audrey was my release. She was the ‘new’ that I needed. Completely taking my mind of Lindsey who I hadn’t heard from or spoken to since the day she came to my house with Devin to pack out all her things. It was amicable. And I was ready to move on.

Audrey and I had been going great and the heat between us was building. So this fateful evening, it was going to happen. We had dinner at my favourite family restaurant downtown. We talked, laughed and headed uptown for the rest of the night. I gave her a soft kiss on the cheek and said “Zina Street” along with the name of the hotel. As we had both come from work we drove separately. We arrived at the hotel only a few minutes apart and I asked her to wait for me in her car while I went in.

I’d called the hotel about 2 hours prior to quickly book a suite. I lied to them that I had forgotten my anniversary and was in dire need to save the night. Who doesn’t love helping a love story? The ladies at the front desk were very helpful. I told them her name and asked that they send her up to the room when she walked in. The ladies seemed so happy to be part of a great thing. I ran up to the room and set it up. Candles were lit; the bottle of wine placed was placed in ice while I filled up the bathtub with water and bubbles. With slow jazz now playing in the background, I texted her to come up.

A few minutes later she was outside the door. I asked her to keep her eyes closed which she did. Slowly I led her into the room and put her bags down. I gently kissed her soft lips as my tongue waited patiently for its moment to explore. She kissed me back. Her lips were soft like the fresh warm middle of a muffin right out of the oven. I wanted more. I gently pulled her in and kissed her deeply. My tongue searching the insides of her mouth as her tongue responded in navigating my cavity. I slowly began to take her clothes off. Moments later she was completely naked. I fought the urge to devour her welcoming body; I failed. Taking in her breasts one in each hand, I kissed her neck down to her collarbone. I could hear the moans as I led her into the bathroom. I whispered in her ears,

Open your eyes

Gently she did as she was taken aback by the room illuminated only by candles. She was beaming and with a sly smile on her face she began to take my clothes off. Gently we stepped into the hot water in the tub filled with scented bubbles working in tandem with the candles. On top of my package she sat looking into my eyes. No words said… We just kissed and held each other tight. It felt like she was taking all of me as I opened my body to take her into me. The water was a little hot but the heat between was definitely more than I had felt in a while. The way she kissed me was like someone trying to explain their feelings, in a short time, all at once. For a minute we broke the kiss and I looked into her eyes before gently sliding into her. The pace was slow. It was the type of time one could say “I made love.”

Our eyes did most of the talking as our bodies glued in the mid-sized tub. I could feel the water seeping between our thighs as I thrust in and out of her wet cream pie. It was nothing like I had felt before. This felt like a communication of the body with eyes and other parties. Shortly after the party was over, we sat in the tub as I washed her down and she did the same, with a few kisses occasionally breaking our bathing session. Her body was gorgeous. From her silky flowing black hair to her bulky calves that folded on my lap. I wanted all of her. I was not sure if I wanted all of her because I just wanted something new but I was sure that I wanted to be everything to her and more. Slowly we stepped out of the tub and dried off. Climbing into the bed more sex would follow till we passed out. I had never been ridden like that by any woman in my life. She had a way of making her ass control the pulse in my hard member. Speeding it up till I was about to cum but making sure that I lasted long enough for her to get off. She was great! I turned over to her as we finished our glasses of wine and said,


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Look out for Part 3

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                              @adewus4real #WhatTheHeckMan


I said as I placed my hands on my head and scanned the newly decorated living room of my new place. It had finally come together. I slumped into a sitting position in the corner of the room. Looking out of the window as the sun rays squeezed into the room through the blinds.  This had been a process. Not just the setting up of the place but the gathering of my life together again.

I looked at my keys sitting on the coffee table in the middle of the room. I got up and reached for them. Out the door I went as I trudged to the mailbox. Opening it, I gathered all the mail for the week and headed back. Mortgage payments, credit cards and even a wedding hall deposit payment. These were my regulars. I was paying for a wedding and I wasn’t even…. Never mind.


For the past 3 months, I had been living with my cousin; Juliet. I moved out of my home during one of the craziest periods of my life. I opened mail after mail, setting and marking the corresponding bill to a due date on the calendar next to my door cabinet. I sat down on the couch, laptop to my right and some urgent bills in hand. I turned on the sound system; Pandora was playing my “Smooth Jazz” channel. I opened up my laptop and placed it on my lap. It was a $382 bill for the hall.  This was my eighth bill; one every month for the past eight. I glanced at my fingers. No wedding ring. A slow heat of rage was building within me, I was getting angry. Why was I paying for a hall and I wasn’t getting married? Well it’s a long story.

I picked up my keys and headed out the door, I needed some air. My angry fumes were threatening to burn my place down.

.   .   .   .    .

 Lindsey and I met when I was a freshman in college. She was one too. She went to a prestigious university and I was at a community college nearby after transferring over from Nigeria. I was still trying to settle down and find my way when I was introduced to her through a friend of a friend. I thought she was stuck up for whatever reason. I think it was because she was really beautiful, smart and I was somewhat intimidated by her. She grew up here and I was this fresh of the boat African lad, who was mostly mute with the fear of embarrassing myself if I ever opened my mouth. Even though she went to a different school and all, we always seemed to be around each other with our friends. Slowly, we got close. I remember knowing for months that I liked her and I wasn’t sure how to tell her. There were some awkward moments where I thought she would have known that I liked her.

One time, she walked in on my friend and I arguing about the women we hung out with and I was vehemently defending her. She pretended not to have heard anything. She would later tell me years after that the passion I showed in defending her was attractive and one of the reasons we ended up together.

After about 6 months, I began to notice a change in her attitude towards me. She was texting back; faster and initiating conversations. I was not sure what to feel but I really liked it. That summer, she came to my school to take summer classes since they were cheaper at mine than at her school. I think this was where it all built up into something. I would see her almost everyday and since I had no way of getting around, she was my chauffeur. She did everything with a smile. The way she carried herself was just a joy to watch and be around.


One afternoon, she picked me up and drove me to her apartment. The plan was to rent a movie and watch a film while we ate. For whatever reason, we were both tired by the time we reached her apartment. She jumped into the bed and asked to take a nap and that we could watch the movie when she wakes up. I hopped in the bed next to her and just laid there. I can’t remember exactly what we were talking about but I know she said something amusing. To my recollection it was some sort of funny slight at me. I began tickling her from behind. She was on the bed facing the wall whilst I had my back to the door. Tickling her she laughed and asked me to stop but I didn’t. Tickling led to gently biting her back and behind her neck, laughing turned to moaning and then I turned her over and got on top of her. I planted a kiss on her lips and we kissed. It was wet and passionate. I had wanted that for so long and for it to finally happen was just pleasing and scary at the same time. Not breaking the kiss, I began to run my hands all over her and then all of a sudden, she jumped up and said,


“I have to leave, I have to leave now. I can’t do this!” and then she ran off.


I was confused and extremely turned on. I remember telling myself, I don’t care what the outcome was because at least she now knew I had feelings for her. It was the most awkward drive home. I could not wait to get into my house and under my sheets. I was so embarrassed. She had said nothing about the “incident” and I was more worried about her never talking to me again. She dropped me off and did not call for 3 days. In that time I had wanted to die. I thought my whole world had collapsed around me. This woman had my heart and she didn’t even know it yet.

She would finally call me and start by going off on me. And then she slipped this line in there;

“Why didn’t you just tell me?”

 I was shocked and kind of happy. I told her I wasn’t sure if she’d felt the same way hence my holding back. She just teased me and then we joked about it. Over the next few weeks, we made our relationship official.

I always wanted to be with her and around her. It was new love, real love. I remember the night we first had sex. It was at her parent’s house. One of the popular ladies in town had thrown a massive/an elaborate party. The whole community was there so her parent’s home was empty. We snuck out of the party and headed to her there. Nervous, we got into the room and she asked me to lie on the bed on my back. I did and then she handcuffed me to both bedposts and told me not to move. She then went further and blindfolded me. I was terrified. To make matters worse, she’d left a blindfolded and naked me on the bed while she was in the other room, doing something I cannot remember. My mind was wandering.

“What if someone came in? What if this was all a trap and her friends were about to walk in and beat me up?”

All sorts of crazy things flew through my head and then she came back. Sade’s “No Ordinary Love” was now playing in the background as she climbed on the bed. Kissing me down my chest towards my excited package, I was trying to hold it together. Good first impressions during sex are extremely important. I was still blindfolded when I felt something super cold all over my stomach! I was startled and then I realized that it was whipped cream. She was licking it off me as she made her way down to my now hard six-inch member. I was nervous as she took it into her mouth. She sucked like she was new to it too. I couldn’t wait to be out of there. I was beyond myself and out of my skin.

She stopped. I heard her tear open a wrapper and then I felt the cold rubber feeling on top of my package as she slid the condom into position. Asking me to take the blindfold off after removing the cuffs, it was clear to me how beautiful she was. Naked, her dark chocolate skin glowed as her bright smile lit up the room. All of a sudden I was calmer and happy. I was slightly shaking  as I slid into her. It was tight; very tight! It was her first time and I had to be gentle. With slow movements, we warmed up. I remember being so worried about giving her a good time, I forgot to ensure that I didn’t ruin the entire party, which is exactly what I did. The actual intercourse between us lasted about 3 minutes and it was over. Those three minutes though would be the stamp to the beginning of the rest of our lives.


I looked up and realized that I had walked almost a mile away from my house to the waterfront. I pushed an empty shopping cart out of my way and I took a seat on a bench by the waterside and drifted back into my thoughts. Memories were dictating me, back into my mind they carried me…

.   .   .   .   .

It was 4 months after I graduated from college that we broke up; Lindsey and I. For whatever reason, it seemed like we had run our course. Things were not the same. Arguments were more frequent and lasted longer. We seemed to love each other but could not be bothered to care holistically about the other anymore and so she eventually broke it off. There was a 3 month period that we did not talk for. One night I hit her up, missing her obviously. I wanted her back in my life. I was not exactly sure why but I knew for a fact that I needed her. She would return and it was date after date, reconnecting our lives and then one night about three and a half weeks into us talking again, she dropped the bombshell.  She was pregnant and she was 75% sure it wasn’t mine.


I had been mad, angry, heartbroken and sad. She was supposed to have my babies and not someone else’s. “How could she do this?” I asked myself many times. She broke up with me and then chose to sleep with someone else. I wanted to hate her for it but I couldn’t because I truly loved her.

So I absolutely cut her off. The way I worked back then, if something made me uncomfortable in the slightest way, I removed it from my life and that what I did with her. I just couldn’t believe it. She wanted to get back with me too and that why she sent her best friend to come and talk to me. I really hated that conversation because it tested my resolve and I did not want her friends to see that I still loved her. But I did. I really did.

I think what made it even more difficult for me to swallow was the fact that I knew who the father of the child was.  It was someone that was supposed to be a friend of mine. I once heard somewhere that these “heauxs ain’t loyal” but these fellas are just as bad; maybe even worse.

There are some decisions that should be made solely with your heart or head. I wasn’t sure which part came up with the genius plan but I asked her to move in with me. I rented a two-bedroom apartment and paid for a full year’s worth of rent. It was going to be our home. We were going to raise our kid with love. I was willing to father that child like it was mine because their mother meant the world to me. I was sure we would be amazing parents, as we already loved each other.


I remember the night we moved in. The whole week leading up to that day, she had stopped me from having any physical contact with her. It was about 6pm and we were both tired from moving things into our new place. She was wearing her blue short shorts that I liked; the one with her booty hanging out of it. I just wanted her… all of her! I crept into the room as she lay on the bed. Her face was settled into a pillow as she complained about being really tired. I started kissing her calves up to the back of her thighs. She didn’t move but I could hear her muffle words asking me what I was doing. I continued and pulled her shorts down. Still no movement and then I placed my index finger on her clitoris while I moved my head to the back of her neck and gently began kissing her. My finger worked in a side-to-side motion as I continued to kiss her. I turned her over and locked lips with hers. My finger still working, our lips moved in sync as we communicated our feelings without words. Lowering my body, my tongue replaced my finger, which moved to her mouth. She sucked on my finger as my tongue continued to demonstrate precision covering every inch of her lower lips. The flood being parted by my tongue as it searched for answers that only her mouth could give. I continued to nibble on her clit as she moaned my name. I felt like I was filled up when I moved up and slid my member into her. It was slow, passionate love making. The room was candle lit because we hadn’t replaced the bulbs in that room. The sensation was different. I could feel our bodies connecting again. Pushing my dick further into her, she clutched my back and her nails dug deep into me. The pain and pleasure was my fuel as I rammed harder and deeper into her to send a clear message. I was driving her crazy and she whispered in my ear,

“Let me ride it…”

That was not a request I could decline. I got up and laid on the floor. She slid it back inside her and took control. How fast, slow, deep was all her direction. And she was dripping. Up and down, she went. I felt like I was being fucked and she owned it… all of it! And to be very honest, she did. I could feel myself ready to cum. Her juices were flowing down to my shaft to my balls. I was moaning that I was about to cum and I didn’t want to. She responded…

“Cum and I’ll make you hard again and fuck you even harder!”

I kept my mouth shut and continued to enjoy all of her on me and then, right inside her I let it all loose. She clutched her stomach area and smiled saying,

“That was really warm…”

I was trying to catch my breath and then she took my entire dick into her mouth and began sucking. Now every guy can testify that this is one of the most sensitive moments during sex. I let her suck out the last few drops and she continued. I immediately had to push her off when I noticed she knew I was getting hard again.  We curled up naked on the floor. This was home.

.   .   .   .   .

I was out with some friends from work when Lindsey’s sister, who was staying with us, called me and told me to hurry to the hospital. Her water had broken. A few friends congratulated me as I ran out and hurried to the hospital. This was the night. I was beyond excited. I’m pretty sure I did not park my car properly in the parking lot as I got out and rushed into the hospital. A few minutes later I was outside the labour/delivery ward, restlessly pacing up and down the waiting room. I was about to be a father. My family was not happy about it for various reasons; the fact that it was not my child was the most prominent one. But I was about to be a father to a beautiful baby girl that I would love and cherish.  A few months ago when we found out it was girl, I bought her a little pink baby top, which said,

“Always daddy’s little girl”

I couldn’t wait to put it on her and take her to the park near our house or evening walks to the lakeside. I was going to be there for her always. All she needed to do was come to me.

Still pacing in the waiting room, I began praying for the safe delivery of my little girl. I was praying that God would bring both mother and child to me safely… I hated the wait!! After about an hour of anxiously walking back and forth, I was drenched in sweat and starting to get tired when then the doctor walked out. He still had the mouth mask on his face as he approached me. Pulling it off he said the only words that I’d been praying against…


I could see his mouth moving but it was like I was in an empty room with white noise railing the walls. I was trying to make out what he was saying and the words finally made it through

“I’m sorry sir. We could only save one”


Look out for Part 2

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Undercover Player 4

Undercover Player 4


 @adewus4real #WhatTheHeckMan

My “true love” (Anna)

My long distance friend (Farah)

My crazy one (Jessica)

My actual woman (Sarah)

My weekend girl (Zoe)


I had spent a full 28 hours in cell. I was released after my mother spoke to the officers. It was dead silent on the car ride home. We both said nothing to each other. I spent the night at my parent’s home. No one said anything to me.

Very early the next morning, my parents woke me up and called me into their room. There I was attacked. My mother called me a let down and a disgrace to the family name and to her legacy. My father said he was disappointed beyond words. I was fuming inside as they both felt justified to attack me and then I snapped.

At the top of my lungs I began to yell. Spilling every single detail about how I was molested by my father’s stepsister living with us at the time and then years later my cousin. I was angry. I accused them of being failures as parents and for being too busy with the things of the world to focus on the emotional safety of their children. They were both stunned. My mother was in tears even before I was done. I stormed out of the room and into mine. Packed up my things and proceeded to leave. I was angry and I couldn’t concentrate.

When I reached my house, the first thing I went for was the bottle of alcohol. Two quick glasses and my nerves began to calm a bit. My mind was racing. I called Farah and she didn’t answer. She was on vacation to Portugal and Bangkok. I was so angry. I picked up my phone that I had just thrown on my bed and called Jessica. Even with the “Peaceful Order” issued by the court, I needed to talk to her. Face to face.


I was already drunk by the time she came over. Jack and I were halfway in our conversation. My breath wreaked alcohol and I was tipsy. We didn’t even talk when she walked in.

I have to admit; I think I was a bit aggressive. I pushed her up against the wall and spread her legs. Pinning her face and breasts on the wall, I slid my hand up her skirt from behind. Using my thumb, I shifted her panties out of the way and I began to massage her clit. The moans ensued. I pulled her freshly braided hair to the side and began planting kisses all down her neck. She didn’t try to move. There was something in the way my body was working hers; I was going to send a clear message. I started biting her neck as I went along and the moans got louder. My right hand was still working her clit; harder and faster now. I could feel her juices on my fingers as she got wetter and wetter. She was all mine! I got on my knees and kissed her ass cheeks before sticking my strong wet tongue into her. She let out this gasp and began scratching the wall as if she wanted to hold onto something. I could feel her get drenched as it flowed onto my tongue and my chin. I was now the one making most of the noise. The kind of slobbering sounds you hear when you’re hurriedly trying to finish a rapidly melting Popsicle. Every drop of her was going to be mine.

I was so angry. Still angry for all that she put me through. All I had asked of her was the respect she would have wanted any woman to give her if she was in her shoes. Since she didn’t want to play along, I was going to take out my aggression on her. I turned her around. Still on my knees, I looked up at her as I went in towards her clit again. This time I was nibbling. Her eyes rolled back, she let out the sigh of resignation knowing that all she was going to get was more pleasure and there was no chance that I was letting her go. She was stuck. Stuck on a high. My front two teeth enlisted my tongue as support as they owned her pink lips and it’s cohorts. She was now moaning louder and grabbing onto my head in attempt to push me off her. She almost snapped my neck off, so I stood up and walked over to my closest. I opened one of the drawers and pulled out the two sets of handcuffs. I had this evil smile on my face as I walked back to her. I moved her to my reading table. This was no movie shit. I didn’t clear the table. I sat her on it. Her bare ass cheeks on all my documents. I wanted her to spray all her juices on my papers. I wasn’t going to stop there though. I cuffed one around her left wrist and clicked it. She asked with a concerned but excited look; 

“Zane, what are you doing?”

I yelled, 

“Shut up!”

 I clicked the second arm and cuffed her to the book cabinet next to my reading desk.

Hands hanging mid air, her pussy stared me in the face and the look of excitement had turned to hesitation. She seemed fearful for what was about to happen. I was ready to give her all of it. I pulled my reading chair up and sat down. Digging in I lapped up every drop as it flowed out of her. Some of the obscene things she said, I had never heard before from anyone. I was covered in all of her as practically my entire face was soaking with her juices. I stood up and positioned my rock hard dick at the surface of her pink, ready to go! I teased her rubbing it on her lower lips without pressing in. She moaned as if to ask me to go in already. Eventually I did; slowly. She moaned and clenched her fists. That was the best she could do. I put up her legs on my shoulders as I began the stroking motion. In and out, I maintained eye contact watching her face change as I went from one level to the next. The pace picked up. I was thrusting harder, deeper and faster!

“Zane, slow down! You’re going to hurt me!!” she begged.

 I smiled and continued to pump. “Hurt” her was exactly what I wanted to do. I got angry that she tried to have me stop. I dropped her legs and leaned in, placing both hands around her neck. I pulled her in and looked at her. I knew I was about to explode but I wanted every thrust to count more than the last. I wanted her to feel every inch of me, every vein. Smearing all her juices on my hard member, I could not hold it any longer. 

“Tell me who owns it” I barked at her,

 “You, you… youuuu!” she moaned.

 “Yes!” I responded knowing fully well I only had a few thrusts left in me. I squeezed her neck. Slightly choking her as I pumped a few more times and then I pulled out… All over her stomach I squirted every drop. My aim was not the best as some of my seed spilled onto the table. I slumped into the chair. I could feel my sweaty back begin to stick to the leather seat. She was trying to catch her breath. Still cuffed, she struggled to keep her head up. I began touching the insides of her thighs. She immediately closed them up. It was super sensitive. I forced her legs apart and stuck my fingers into her. She begged me to stop. I pushed them in a bit and then pulled them up. We were both drenched in sweat. I got up and un-cuffed her hands. She didn’t even get off the table. She looked too tired. And then she asked…


“What The Heck Man? What was that for?”

 “Payback” I responded. “I spent a full day in holding because of your stupidity!”

 She looked at me saying, “I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking properly”

 “Jessica, this has to end. It has been fun but we both gotta want more” I continued.

 She stared at me then mumbled 

“I understand and I’m sorry again” as she closed the bathroom door.

I swear in a million years, I could not even expect that conversation to have gone that way. I was just thankful that this chapter was closed for good. At least that’s what I thought.


.   .   .   .   . 

Even though the case had been dropped after Jessica withdrew her statement at the station claiming that she’d “overreacted”, I still couldn’t focus. Something was missing in my life. I wasn’t able to concentrate on work or anything. I knew I needed to get away. I kept thinking of where I could go. All I needed was a change of scenery.

In all my thinking, I remembered that Anna had left me to basically rot in the cell. I wanted answers. The next day a flight was booked. I was going to talk to her face to face and find out what truly happened. I arrived in the heat at about 2pm. A thirty-minute cab ride and I was at her apartment. Still in graduate school, I know Anna did not have class at that time. I waited till a car went through the automated gates and walked into the apartment complex. I arrived at her door and knocked. I heard movement and then she looked through the peep-hole. With a look of confusion and surprise she opened the door. The look on her face said… you guessed right, “What The Heck Man.” I smiled and walked in. Pleasantries aside, I asked her about what had happened and why she acted that way when I called from the station. She didn’t answer at first then she went on to say,

“I didn’t want to continue the cycle. You wouldn’t be with me but you wanted everything from a relationship. No Zane. No.”


I understood her perfectly, I was selfish. I wanted all her support and love but I was not willing to get over my issues and trust her fully and just be with her. Sigh.

We talked for hours and then she made dinner. Brown rice, stew with smoked turkey and boiled plantains.  Anna and I had a connection, I knew she loved me and vice versa. She was just frustrated. She wanted to be there for me through everything but I had to understand how it looked to be with her for that long and not officially enter a relationship. It must have been difficult to comprehend. I just wanted her to know that I was trying to figure me out before I joined me with someone else again.

She was cuddled up next to me when the conversation drifted towards the Jacuzzi and I suggested that we hop into it. A few minutes later swimwear clad, we walked to the Jacuzzi area. It was off. We snooped around until she found the switch and turned it on. It got hot pretty fast. We stepped in and began to talk. She was sitting on my lap as we began to reminisce on memories and on how far we had come together. From memories of our struggle to sex stories, we covered it all. Intimately as we shared that Jacuzzi together, I could feel it get hotter. I wanted her and I knew what she wanted me too. She began stroking my hardening shaft. She turned around and looked at me. Without saying a word she pushed her panties aside and slid my package inside her. It was hot. My balls were feeling the heat bubbles of the water boiling underneath them as my dick held full strength position in her as she worked her waist on it. I was holding her waist and kissing her passionately. This woman had all of me. The way her body was in sync with mine. I ran my hand over her tattooed thigh and squeezed her tighter. It was slow. It was controlled. She did not leave that position or lose control. Up and down she worked me until I was ready to give it all to her. She dictated the pace. Now I wanted to cum but I definitely wasn’t going to do that in the water. I lifted her up and put her on all fours right beside the Jacuzzi. I returned my dick back into her dripping pussy as I held her waist. I controlled the motion making sure that my dick was hitting every corner of her pussy. Discovering new reaches, she grabbed the edge of the Jacuzzi while looking back at me with those wanting eyes pleading with me to go in a little deeper. My balls were slamming against her clit as the passion was soaring out the roof. I took a handful of her hair in my hand, pulling her towards me; each thrust seemed to be a statement as our bodies moved in sync. She was moaning uncontrollably as I neared my climax. We slumped next to each other as I spurted out every drop from inside me on the floor. Naked, we curled next to each other as we stared into the sky. I was beyond confused on what to now do.

I would leave two days later after amazing talks, reconnecting and amazing sex. We even shared a run around the lake down the street from her house. We rediscovered what it felt like to love each other. I was on a high even with the sadness that came with leaving her. I hugged her tightly until the airport staff asked her to move her car. Reluctantly, we let go and she promised to make the next trip down. I had just made it through security when I received a call from my dad. I answered,

“Hello daddy…”

“How are you, son?” he said,

“Fine sir…You?” I responded.

 “Not great. We haven’t seen your mother for 4 days and she hasn’t contacted anyone. Have you heard from her? We are all worried” he said anxiously. 

“Fuck” I cursed under my breath…

“No sir, I’ll call her and get back to you” I said as I ended the call. 

I was worried now. Confused. Had my confrontation driven her over the edge? What have I done? Fuck!

“The number you have dialed is unavailable. Please leave a message…”

This was probably the 12th time I had called and my mother was still not answering. Now I was beginning to panic. She had never done something like this before. She had been really distant since the day I got out of jail. I called Sarah and she didn’t answer either. I left her a message asking her to call me. I hopped into my car at the airport parking and continued to try calling her. Nothing.

I was about 15 minutes from home when I received a series of text messages from Sarah. They were screenshots of messages between her and Jessica. I was stunned. I pulled over to the side of the road. I was confused and angry. What had Jessica done? Why? I thought things had ended the best way possible. Wow…You can never trust these women. Never!

I was torn. Do I keep calling my mother or Sarah? I was trying Sarah; I needed to explain things to her. I needed to explain that I ended it all with Jessica so I could focus on trying to build something with her. Sarah!!!

It had been an hour and I was still sitting on the side of the road in my car when I got a Twitter notification. I had been tagged in a photo. Shortly, more notifications of photos flooded my phone. Jessica was posting pictures of our conversations on the Internet. My heart froze. I was scrolling through them all and then a call from Jessica came through.

“Jessica, what are you doing?!” I yelled at the top of my lungs.

She only said one phrase…

“I only just started with you!” 

I literally think I peed on myself. I immediately began thinking of super private things I had shared with her like naked pictures, recordings and more. Even though I had the same of her, in this game, the first to call one out usually has the upper hand and Jessica really didn’t care if her naked pictures showed up on the Internet. She was that type of crazy.

I was losing it. I couldn’t take it all. There was so much blood rushing to my head. I was going crazy and then I turned over to my passenger seat. My prescription pills sat there; Amoxicillin and 800mg of Ibuprofen, twenty-one pills each. I picked the bag and decided to end it all. End all the pain. I think I was just over it all. I’m not exactly sure what I was thinking to be honest.

I opened the door and sat outside the car. I looked at the pills in my left hand and my cell phone in my right. I called my mother one last time and said 

“I never meant to bring you pain. I’m sorry… I hope you someday forgive me.”

I left the same message for Sarah and I laid the phone down to my left side and popped the pills. Almost all of them at one go. I sat there for a few minutes looking at the trees and listening to the birds chirp and then it got really dark. I was headed to a familiar place. 



.   .   .   .   .

Someone calling my name woke me.

“Zane, Zane honey. It’s mummy” 

I slowly opened my eyes and there was my mother, holding my right hand. She was speaking to me slowly but I couldn’t exactly make out what she was saying. The doctors walked in a few minutes later and explained to a more awaken me that I had attempted to overdose and commit suicide. I put my head down as I was filled with regret for that decision. My mother was rubbing my hand saying it was okay, continuously thanking God for sparing my life and for the person that had spotted me lying on the side of the road. I was somewhat grateful for being alive. The doctor told me that my heart had stopped for a while and it was a miracle that I was still alive. My mother put her hands up and thanked God again. I was weak.

The doctor had left and that’s when I realized that my left hand was cuffed to the bed. I asked my mother why and how long I’d been there for. She said it had something to do with a psychiatric emergency hold for 72hrs. Apparently I’d already been there a day and half! She mentioned that I could possibly leave after a psychiatrist evaluated me. She began talking to me about how she loved me and was sorry she had not there for me. 

Sarah, Anna, Jessica, Farah and Zoe all did not seem to matter. My mother, with the strongest form of love in the planet was there for me. And I could not be more grateful. I glanced back into the room from my long gaze out into the sunny hills and looked the psychiatrist in the face.

“That was how it all happened…” I said

I looked up at the clock and then back at the psychiatrist. My time in this session was almost up. I had one every week for the past six months.

He continued jotting down in his notepad. This was my fourth evaluation in the past 3 months at this psych hospital. That meeting with my mother was 6 months ago. They have not let me out ever since. Apparently, I have not been fit to go back into the society as I have been ruled a danger to myself. If you’re reading this, I’m obviously still in here and hoping you find this story interesting enough to publish. I am so alone in here and I have not had a single visit from anyone who once claimed to love me. Abilify and Prozac are my prescribed meds for my depression. I think the cure lies in the hands of the women I gave my heart to but here I am, all alone. Dressed in all white but completely dark on the inside.  


My name is Zane and I really think I lost this game.


                                                                                                                      The End.


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Undercover Player 3

                                                                                                                                                                                                                         @adewus4real #WhatTheHeckMan


My “true love” (Anna)

My long distance friend (Fara)

My crazy one (Jessica)

My actual woman (Sarah)


It had been 3 days since I had spoken to anyone. Sarah, Jessica, Anna or even Farah. I had drifted into this dark place that I was becoming a regular guest in. The blinds were closed. There were 8 Smirnoff bottles by my bedside, empty. I was listening to Nina Simone’s “Do I Move You” one of my favorite tracks of all time and I felt that I was tipsy. Staring up at the wall clock, it was 18 minutes past ten and I lay in bed edging closer to bum status.

I had managed to push all the women in my life away because I realized that I was very depressed. I told Sarah I did not want a relationship, Anna I snapped at for whatever reason, and then there’s Jessica. Well Jessica is Jessica so no need for a story there but it was what happened with Farah that has me upset. Farah and I got into it because I told her that I could not trust her. I think by now many of you would have realized that I have some trust issues and maybe underlying image issues. Sometimes I just couldn’t understand why some of these women wanted to be with me. I was never confident in my abilities and my looks. Don’t get me wrong, I obviously do well with the ladies but I never attributed it to myself especially if she was a woman that a lot of men wanted. Once I notice she’s interested in me, I begin to panic and expect the worst. “Maybe she’ll find better” or realize that I’m not that great, so the fear cripples anything positive that I would sincerely like to happen.

Farah and I were talking a few nights ago when she mentioned some other guy being interested in her. I watched how she was flirted with and how she normally flirted back. I just never truly trusted her but she always told me it was nothing. You can’t trust these women, anyone for that matter. I guess I was still insecure within myself with all the things that I had gone through previously in my life. I was not sure why (with all the options she had) she picked me. Farah understood it though. She knew why I did what I did. It wasn’t right and she never failed to put me in check, but she knew what depression looked like. It was something I hoped Sarah or Anna would notice and help me with but they just didn’t. Farah was ambitious. She was the ideal woman; perfect body I always wanted to do things to and the brains to match and she seemed to truly care about me. What more could one ask for? But every time I remembered all these things, I would be redirected in my head to the distance between us. She was so near to my heart but so far away. I would never be faithful in a long distance relationship, I know myself. I tried a long distance relationship once and I was cheated on and then coupled with my trust issues? There was no way, I had to have the person close by. Judge me but it’s the truth.

Farah and I were talking and I was becoming a little more pissed off. I had been highly irritable lately and usually that meant that my depression was getting the best of me. I had been thinking too much. I had been thinking of a time when I was almost invisible. Women barely noticed me. I was friends with many but none wanted to be with me. Then I thought of now. Now it is nonstop attention, and I can’t seem to commit to the one I truly love, for the fear of being unfaithful. Farah said something and I snapped, I can’t remember what I said but I said it and that was it. The called ended shortly after and I hadn’t talked to her since.

I looked up at the clock again. It was now 10:32pm. I picked up my phone and texted Farah.

“I’m sorry”

I waited for her response eagerly, repeatedly staring at the phone, waiting for the little blue light to start blinking.


I opened up another bottle and stole a gulp and then it went off. She texted back.

“I know you’re in a dark place. I’m here when you’re ready to talk”

My heart warmed. How could someone be so perfect? I texted her back.

“We need to meet up soon. Let me know. I’ll take time off work”


.  .   .   .   .

I had been a better mood now for a couple of days. Sarah was talking to me again after some serious begging (she’s not like Farah, she’s super stubborn). We agreed that we needed a getaway- time to focus on us and if we really wanted to do this. We planned to leave that weekend to Paso Robles; a little wine country city a few hours away. I was excited and nervous at the same time.

That Friday I had worked the whole day and ended up getting stuck in traffic, after being asked by my boss to do something at the very last minute. I just wanted to get to Sarah already. We had a 3-hour drive ahead of us and it was already 8pm. She tried all her best to remain patient but I could tell she was becoming agitated. Imagine having plans for a specific time but the other person was late; it can very easily upset someone. When I got to her, she was already at her limit. I swiftly apologized and we got on the road. About midway through the trip, I mentioned something about the sex. I can’t remember how the conversation started but I remember saying to her-

“I want to do legal but ungodly things to you.”

She smiled, looked at me and in the most nonchalant way, she said

“I think my period might be coming soon.”

I turned and looked at her, assuming she was just fucking with me I asked

“How soon is soon?”

She replied

“It was supposed to start today”

I kept my head straight on the road but I was fuming.

“What the actual fuck?” I thought to myself. Was she trying to say she did not know her period would be coming soon when she allowed me to spend all this money to book the trip? I know many of you are thinking that the trip was meant to be for us to reconnect, and it was, but who the hell said sex was not involved in the reconnection? I was angry.

In her usual manner, she first touched my arm and then went into using her baby voice and talked me into forgiving her. She made sure to highlight the fact that it hadn’t started yet, so we could make the most of it at least before it starts. I smiled in attempt to hide my anger.

We arrived at the hotel about an hour later. She had passed out in the car. I took all the bags in, after checking us in, then woke her up. She was too tired and yes! You guessed right, I got no play that night.

The next day I woke up to breakfast in bed, her attempt to bribe me. It was a nice gesture. She sat in front of me with no clothes on feeding me blueberry pancakes with sausages and it was a beautiful sight to behold. We got dressed after, and headed out to the Vineyard for wine tasting. I really could not focus on anything else; I just wanted her, all of her, on me. We had a lady pouring each glass of wine for us as we tried different wines. Together we laughed and joked as we spent time together. In the back of my mind, I just wanted her in a closed space, to just take control of her. So I devised a plan to get her so turned on that she would not be able to resist me. I left her for a moment, and went to the bathroom to text her-

Let me come in there and violate you.
Laying you on top of that wine counter on your chest, I want to begin kissing you from the left side of your face while I slowly start to come to your lips as you feel my hot breath on your cheeks and my soft lips now working towards your neck. I want to take your bra off and continue kissing your back all the way down. My right finger on your clit, massaging it from left to right, up and down. I’ll lift you up onto all your 4s. Spreading those round cheeks with my hands, I’ll stick my tongue deep into your pink… My tongue searching for answers in the depths of your pussy. My nose, lips, chin and cheeks are now covered in the inviting flooding from inside. You’re scratching the desks and moaning into the wood while my fingers dig into your butt and my tongue ploughs your pussy…”

A few minutes later, I walked back into the room like absolutely nothing had happened. She had just finished reading my text. Her face was flushed red. Her knees wobbled and she just glared at me. It was like her eyes said “What the Heck MAN????” I smiled, licked my lips and winked at her. She looked like she wanted to punch me. We finished tasting our last glass of wine and then we turned to leave. She pulled me close and said

“I’m fucking soaked”

I smiled. Step one was complete.

We sat on the outer deck of the vineyard with other people around. She said she was turned on and wanted sex now. She went on to say

“I’m so turned on, I could ride you right here. Right now. “

I looked at her squarely, smiled and said

“I dare you”

I held my glass in my hand. Her blue bag and the bottles of wine sat on the footrest, she looked at me with this evil grin on her face. I dared her to do it; she chuckled and stared at me. She began to unzip my pants, maintaining fierce eye contact. I asked her what she was doing, but she did not say a word. She put her hand down my pants and cupped my rapidly hardening member in her hand and began to roll my balls between her fingers. She leaned in and whispered in my ear “you dared me right? I’ll suck your dick right here in the open” and then she sat back. Instantly, I was rock hard. I knew she could and was capable of doing it. Fearless she was. She leaned down took the first inch showing out of my pants into her mouth. It was broad daylight with about twenty people around us! I was stunned. She began working her tongue around the head of my shaft while I looked on in disbelief and concern, trying to make sure nobody could see us.

She lifted her head and asked me to meet her in the bathroom. I waited about 3-mins after she went into the bathroom and then I followed. I walked into the men’s bathroom and waited. She did not come. I realized that we had not decided what bathroom to meet in, male or female. We had done it in the ladies bathroom before a few months back. I figured it was my turn to have it on my playing field. A captain like myself should not be playing away all the time. A few minutes later she walked into the men’s bathroom and with her loud voice, she said “are you in here?” practically disregarding the fact that there could have been any number of people in there. There were only two stalls and I was in the further one from the door. I responded and she walked in. She glared at me as if to ask why I did not show up in the ladies bathroom. I pushed her up against the wall and put my hand under her blouse and cupped her breast in my hand kissing her passionately. The words floated out of the corner of her mouth into thin air. I began kissing down her neck. She wrapped her right foot around my left leg. Her head knocked back, as I kissed my way down her neck bone with her inviting perfume as my guide. I turned her around, head now facing the wall. I then moved her hair to the left side of her face and began kissing her neck again. I could sense that she was getting turned on and could no longer wait for me with the foreplay. She looked back at me and said “fuck me now”. I unzipped my pants and dropped my belt; my dick was already showing its head out of my briefs so I bent her over and slid it inside her. It was wet. Very wet. Holding her waist, I controlled the motions thrusting with finesse to avoid making any noises or her moaning too loud. She began to thrust back towards me and the noise was a bit more. I tried to stop her but I think the glasses of wine were hitting her. She was throwing it back to me with such determination. I continued to pump in and out, even when a man walked into the bathroom. He eased himself, washed his hands, listened closely as though he had heard some action out of the stall and then left. We continued. With his departure I pounded away and hoped nobody would come in while I was about to unload; oh how I hate my cum face and my grunts. Her pussy was so good. It was wet, slippery and owning my dick and then it happened, I began to get much closer to cumming. She looked at me and said “keep going”. I kept thrusting but gave her a look of disgust. I thought to myself, “this is not the 5 or 10k”. You don’t need to tell me to keep going like this is a marathon. And then it came, she said my trigger phrase “fuck me” and I knew I was going to cum, very soon. Quietly I grunted, as I jerked my shaft out and shot all my seed onto the floor. She looked at me and smiled. She had gotten what she wanted. She put her clothes on, kissed me on the cheek and walked out. I was turned on again but confused. That was amazing.

We headed back to the hotel to chill and get ready for dinner.  Relaxing while we lay in bed, we began to talk about why things had been the way they were. Sarah had hurt me before when she led me to believe something and then did something else. Broader story but I’ll save y’all the hurt too. We talked about my hesitancy to enter another relationship and the truth was I that I was still in a dark place; depressed most times and I felt that being in a relationship with that feeling would be selfish. Sarah was upset because she thought I was playing games and wanted boyfriend privileges from her without the title. But this wasn’t the case. I truly wanted a relationship and to be happy, but my fear of heartbreak crippled me before I even go into one. I remember sitting in bed with her and looking straight into her eyes and I said,

“I don’t know exactly how it will happen but I know that we are meant for each other and I pray God helps show that in the easiest way possible. I am truly scared of a life without you. You make me so happy. Continue to give me all your love and patience through these dark times, and I hope to come out of it as the best man I can be for you.”

She leaned and hugged me, and in all honesty, that was the safest I had felt in a woman’s arms. She held me and I truly felt like I was walking by a peaceful water levee back when I first realized what love was.

We both got ready and headed out to dinner. A quick photo-shoot in the hotel hallway and we were ready to go. I remember walking past the elevator on our way down to the parking lot and suggesting that we create memories in there; she didn’t buy it. Dinner was amazing. Oh my love for sushi! It was great food and even better company. On our way back to the hotel, we stopped by the local pharmacy to grab some snacks.

I was trailing her as we headed into the bedroom. We unlocked the door and began changing our clothes when the brilliant idea struck me; there was a balcony to the left of our room where we could go and smoke some of the Kush we came with. We changed and headed to the balcony. It was a non-smoking facility but we didn’t care. The balcony was a huge one. Our floor happened to have the only door that led to it. But all the rooms on that side of the hotel shared the balcony. We scanned for cameras and found none. It was time to blaze.

Moonlight lighting up the balcony we had discovered, it was cold but quiet. On a non-smoking facility, we sat in the cold and lit the swisher. A few puffs and the mood was right. We started talking as we puffed and passed. Sitting closely together, I began to run my left hand up the inner side of her thigh. She looked at me and smiled asking me what I was doing. I said nothing and kept my hand sliding to its destination. She began to move her body as my fingers neared the chocolate factory.  As I kissed on her neck and down her blouse, she kept on smoking. There was no need for her to stop.

Weed in her hand, pussy in my mouth. I was working and she was puffing. Clouds moved from right to left in the sky. She asked me why one big cloud covered the moon as my tongue moved uncontrollably from left to right. I was in there. The warmth on my face from her chocolate factory, to the chilling cold on my bare back. I put her legs on my shoulder and continued to work. All of a sudden the lights in one of the rooms went on. She twisted her neck to her right to look behind her and said

 “Zane! I think someone might see us”

I muttered


Now I don’t know about you men out there but unlike Kanye, you have to let your woman finish. I nibbled on her clit just a bit more. She placed her left hand on my head and worked it in motion over her pussy. I loved the way she called my name when her juices smeared my face. She dug her fingers deep into my neck as she came all over my tongue with me lapping up every drop.

We got up and stumbled into the room. She wanted to play a drinking game so she poured the liquor into the cups while I set the mood; I had other plans. I put on a porn video. The game was simple. We ask each other questions, and if you got the question wrong? A piece of clothing came off and you took a shot. She won the battle but I won the war. She couldn’t focus. She was tipsy and extremely turned on by the video playing next to her. She ultimately said

“Babe, I want you now”

 I was in business. I flung my shorts off my waist and carried her to the couch of the hotel suite. I gently placed her down. It was then I realized that I was tipsy also. Drunk sex?

She stared and squinted at my package as if it was her first time meeting him. I rubbed it on her lower lips. She was really wet.

I maintained full eye contact as I slid into her. It was hot. Not warm, HOT. Slowly, I worked my way in, covering all of me with her wetness. She gently moaned my name; as I began to pick up the pace, her voice got louder. She was really tipsy and was beginning to not care about how loud she was. In some way, I felt the hotel intentionally gave us a room at the end of the hallway. I was pushing deeper and deeper. With her legs on my shoulders, I raised her creampie closer to me as I made sure my member hit the deepest corners of her body. Her eyes were closed as she took every inch of me. I wanted to turn her over but she refused. She pushed me onto the couch and dropped on her knees. She slowly took the first few inches of my manhood into her mouth; I knew I was screwed, with her soft lips, wet on my dick. She slobbered all her spit all over it. I was so close to exploding in her mouth. Almost every man can relate when I say, I began coaching and inspiring myself to not let loose. She was that good. She worked her mouth over my shaft. She looked up at me, winked and I immediately felt a shiver down my spine. How was she doing that?

I quickly realized that this was another battle I was going to lose if no action was taken. I quickly got up and grabbed her. She complained that I was being selfish for not letting her make me cum. I asked her to get on all her fours. I slid back into her. It was perfect. Like drinking a cold soft drink in the summer after returning from catching buses all day in the sun. I repeat perfect. I could almost always control myself but somehow I felt like the weed and the alcohol were going to cause me to cum faster than I wanted to. I was stroking in and out of her and she began throwing it back to me too. I was for sure about to explode. I began to grunt and thrust harder. Clearest signs of my ejaculation and then she said

“Shoot inside me baby, I want to feel it all inside me”


I thought to myself. I remember what I had just been through with Jessica. I was not making that mistake again.

I responded


She replied in between moans

“I’m on the pill”

I replied

“And I don’t give a fuck, still…”

I glanced over and saw my reflection in the mirror. Acknowledging my skill, I continued to work and I knew I was about to cum when I heard the ugly words come of my mouth.

“Ugh Ugh Ugh!!!”

It happened. All over her butt, I sprayed every drop.

Clutching my manhood in my hands, I was bent over like a man that had just been punched in the gut. We slumped in bed. A few minutes she was cleaned up and with that satisfied look on her face, she curled up next to me and said

 “Why do you look so tired?”

I glanced over and gave her the dirtiest look I have ever given and thought to myself “how did this happen?”

On our way home from our trip, while we stopped to buy gas’ Jessica called me and said

 “I’m in town we need to talk. Come to my hotel room tomorrow. I’ll text the deets” 

I actually thought to myself that this was perfect. I was going to roll up in there and tell her it was over and I wanted to begin working towards getting serious with someone else.

.   .   .   .   .

 The biggest mistake I would make was eventually lying to Sarah about where I was going to the next day. I had picked up some flowers and I was planning to surprise Sarah with them when Jessica called and asked that I come over immediately. So I headed there, not realizing that I had the flowers in my hand. Right before I walked into the room, Sarah called me and asked me where I was. I lied and said that I was at my friend’s house in a different city. Jessica was in her bathrobe, obviously her attempt to get my attention and potentially start something.

I began talking to her about how we both have been through a lot and needed to grow, apart. She looked at me with a look of confusion.

 “What?! So you mean the flowers aren’t mine? You’re not trying to fuck me anymore? Cos you got some new chick right?!”

 I knew Jessica, and I knew engaging her was just going to put me in more trouble.

I kept calm and explained to her that I just wanted to grow alone. She was not having it. She began to yell. At the top of her lungs she was shouting assault, rape and battery. I was stunned. I wanted to stop her but she just kept on yelling. I began begging her to stop but she was not listening. A few minutes later, I heard a knock on the door; it was the police.

I cracked the door open and attempted to explain to the officers what had happened. She started yelling from the back of the room.

“He hit me, he hit me”

The officer politely asked me to step outside the room and he cuffed me. I was in hand cuffs!!!! For what?!


I sat there hoping they would see she was lying.  A few minutes later, the officer returned and said she claimed I pushed her. I had pushed her at one point when she charged at me but I did not hit her. Fuck!

The officer said he was going to have to take me downtown to get my statement and then go from there. I was stunned. How did this happen to me?

I looked at Jessica as they walked me away and she had a smile on her face. This woman was pure evil.

The entire ride to the station, all I could say in my head was

“What The Heck Man”

 We reached the station and the police booked me after taking my statement. I was told I could be released on bail and given a preliminary stay away order from Jessica.

I had my one phone call.

Who would I call? I could not call Sarah because I had lied about where I was earlier. So I reverted to calling the one person who was always there for me and was always ready to support me through everything.

I dialed Anna’s number and she answered, I told her the whole story and she responded.

 “I’m sorry, I’m not coming down there”

I was stunned and this overwhelming sense of loneliness came over me.

I put the phone down and I was taken back into the holding cell. How did I get here?

From trying to be a player, to this?

All these women in my life and I was going to spend the night in jail alone.

Well, I needed some covers to hide under tonight; this man in the corner was staring squarely at me like he wanted me.

I dropped my head and sighed. I seemed to always have a lot of women around me and here I was all alone. No one to call. Trust issues shackled me, my indecisiveness and the fear of getting hurt have led me further down into this dark place. Like when I started, here I am alone again. The jig was up, Zane.

Undercover Player?

Game Over?

                                                                                                   Watch Out for Undercover Player 4

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