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Zuliha 4

Zuliha 4

Hello!

Some of you are probably wondering where this random story came from. Well it is not random, but a series I started out in 2016 and never ended.
So here is the concluding part!
I truly hope you enjoy it and leave me a comment. Catch up on part 1-3 here.

Zuliha 1

Zuliha 2

Zuliha 3

Check out Part 3 of my current series The Man, The Shadow: Diary of a Lost Soul 3 

….

The struggle to be honest with myself was beginning to overwhelm me.
Yes, there were secrets that were out but if the words never reached the right person, then the lies remain.

With everything that had happened with my sister, my dad, and even Cole, I needed to find a new balance.
A new equilibrium.
I wanted to pack my bags and leave.
Cole was being so good to me, I felt completely undeserving of his love and patience.

Maybe this was my cross to bear. I was beginning to feel guilt that Cole, a man who just wanted to love me, was dragged into this.
So that Saturday afternoon, I packed my bags and I was headed out.
My plan was to Uber to the car rental pickup, get a car and head to the facility my mom was being held at.
I was dragging the bigger suitcase with my right hand, my backpack on my back and my laptop case in my left hand.
Standing in front of the elevator on the 5th floor, I waited for the car to reach me. As it dinged, the door flung open and my damn luck, Cole was standing there.
Covered in sweat and returning from the gym, he looked confused.

“Where you going Zuliha?”

He asked.
I couldn’t run back and to get into the elevator, I had to get past him.

“Cole, please just let me go”

“What do you mean?”

He asked as he stepped out and stood right between the carriage doors.

I ran around him and into the elevator.
He followed me in as I tried to force my bags in. I didn’t realize it but I slumped to the floor and began to cry.
Cole put his gym bag down and sat down next to me.
He didn’t say anything but he put his hands around me and held me close. I just sat there and sobbed.

A few minutes had gone by and someone had called the elevator, the doors opened. It was an older lady.
She saw me crying with Cole holding me, and she quietly backed away and left.
He finally spoke and said

“Zuliha, I am totally fine sitting right here with you but I want to make sure you are okay.
Is there anything I can do?”

The pureness of this love towards me actually made me uncomfortable.
I tried to wriggle out of his hold and he clutched me tighter.
He kissed my head and said

“I am not letting you go”

I kept my head down and continued crying as I said

“Cole, before I leave here there is something you should know”

“What is it?”

he asked
I sobbed some more and said

“I am just afraid to tell you now because you will leave me but you are the best thing that has ever happened to me”

I could almost hear him smiling. He kissed my head again and said

“Nothing is going to make me leave you. I love you.
And if you are worried about what happened between you and your sister’s husband, I am not here to judge you for that.”

I jumped out of his hold and said

“What?!
how did you know that? How could you possible know that???”

He looked up at me in this cramped elevator and said

“Your father told me a while back. I guess in an attempt to keep me away from you”

I couldn’t believe it but most importantly, I couldn’t believe how calm he was being.
He got up and gave me a hug.
The last thing he said on the issue was

“I got you”

And it was true.

……

As we drove towards the facility, I tried to stay awake but it was around 4 am.
We had a few hours to cover and I hadn’t gotten enough sleep before we left.
I had been so anxious.
I imagined what she would smell like. I hoped she would smell nice.
Like flowers on a hillside as the blossomed.
I imagined what her voice would sound like.
Would I sound like her?
Or would she have a rasp in her voice that I found so sexy?

I wanted answers and I think the thoughts racing through my mind, weakened my body.
I eventually knocked out.
As I startled out of sleep, Cole was still driving. I looked out the window to my right as I cleaned the drool off the corner of my mouth with my left hand, I couldn’t tell where we were.

“Babe, how long was I out for?”

I asked as I tried to plot our geographical Location but assessing the distance we had covered.

“Over an hour babe”

It was closer to two hours and I know he was just being modest.

“How you feeling babe?”

He asked before I could even compose my next sentence.
The day was brightening up and the sun was rising on the horizon.
I felt my heart palpitate and I caught myself as I responded to Cole

“I think I’m fine but I’m not sure. Maybe a bit nervous but mostly just excited”

He reached out his hand and I placed it in his.
I thought I was going to stay awake again but I fell asleep again.
I woke up as we pulled up to the facility.
As I opened my eyes, I caught Cole smiling again. It looked like we had been parked for a few minutes.
I smiled again as he leaned forward and kissed my forehead,

“You ready?”

He said into my hair
I didn’t respond but gently nodded my head.

We stepped out and headed into the facility. The security seemed tighter than the last place.
I still wished I had answers to why she was here but I was just going to settle with knowing who she was.
As they checked us in, Cole asked if they had her there and they said

“She’s here”

That was more than enough but just the tip of the iceberg. I now wanted more.
We couldn’t go through security fast enough.
They finally led us into a waiting room.
Cole sat down but I couldn’t sit still. I stood up and paced the room.

“Babe, we already here. Sit down.
She’ll be out in a second”

He tried to calm me down. I was so nervous.

“I just don’t know babe. What is she doesn’t know me?
What if she has forgotten me?”

He leaned back in his seat and said

“I don’t know a lot about motherhood but one thing I know is that a mother always remembers her own”

I smiled.
He was so smart and those words temporarily soothed me.

But then 12 minutes had passed and she had not shown up.
I was pacing the room faster now.

“She’s not coming Cole.
I’m so stupid. How would I think she would come to see me?”

I was so overwhelmed and I bent down and began to cry when I heard a gentle voice behind me.
It said

“Zuliha”

And in that moment, I felt my throat dry up and I swallowed hard.
I finally got the words out and said

“Mom?”

She began walking towards me and outstretched her hands.
she said

“My baby”

I swear I had never heard something so random, soothe me like those words.
She pulled me in and I melted in her arms.

….

There were a few minutes where we just sat there with Cole just watching.
Nothing was being said.
She was mom and her eyes scanned me like a TSA machine, making sure she didn’t miss any details.

“You’re so grown”

She said.

“A woman”

I smiled shyly as she continued to look at me.
I was glad to see her and feel her but I had so many questions. My eyes were scanning her so quickly and I wasn’t surprised when she said

“I bet you have many questions..”

I looked down at my fingers that I had been fiddling with. A tick I had whenever I became uncomfortable.

“I just want to know what happened”

my voice shook like a child asking a parent to go and play outside without their chores being complete.
She smiled and said

“There is a lot that happened that I don’t want to rehash but I will tell you this, there is nothing that happens that doesn’t happen for a reason”

I think she knew that I wouldn’t be content with that answer.
As she finished her sentence, I was about to speak when she continued and said

“I know you want to know how things happened with your father. But Zuliha, I will invite you to focus on the future. Don’t you think it is Interesting how one of the keys to a fulfilling future is to balance our past with the present?
I will never ask you to let go of all that happened but I want you to know that holding on to the past will never get you anywhere”

I was now upset and snarled back

“What do you mean?
He put you here! He put a baby inside Irene! He repeatedly threatened my life.
How are you asking me to let that go?”

She never moved in her seat or changed her posture. Even though Cole was visibly nervous in the corner.

“Zuliha, I am who I am because of you and your father. People don’t always see it but your identity can hinge on certain people coming or leaving your life.
I made a mistake being with him. I picked the wrong man.
And he was so overwhelming that I drowned, I wish I had no children for him but you are a blessing.
…Ending up here is irrelevant. I had demons that I had to deal with aside from being a mother. Things I never sorted out as a young woman.
Do not spend time searching for a part of yourself that you lose who you already are.
The love you think you will find in people will never be enough…like your sister’s husband. You have to fill yourself with your own self-love and navigate the world as such.”
By the time she stopped talking, I was crying
She rose and came to sit next to me. she said

“Don’t cry. Life is meant to be a rollercoaster. You don’t know how you get on it but you know eventually it will slow down and it will stop.
Make the best of the ride”

Struggling to speak underneath the tears, I replied and said

“I want that but I am just so sad that I missed most of my life with you. So much time has gone by.
I feel like my life would have been different if I had you in it all this time”

She chuckled and replied

“Or it could have been worse. There are men and women in the world today that are silently watching the lives of their loved ones fall apart with no ability to save them.
We have now. You know where I am and I am getting the help I always needed. Let us make good use of our time going forward.
I at least want to be alive to watch you marry this fine young man sitting here…”

We all smiled as Cole looked the most assured and uncomfortable in the same breath.
We chatted for a few more minutes as we caught up on each other’s lives.
Then as we were about to leave, she pulled me back and said

“I know he is not your favorite person but he is going to need you.
Lung cancer. It’s really bad.”

I sighed and nodded.
There was a smile in my heart. Even though I know it wasn’t a good thing to think.

…..

It had now been 3 years since my father passed. It was mere months after my mother had told me had cancer.
We talked once before he died. I tried to get him to take responsibility for what he did but he was stubborn and unapologetic.
I did not attend his funeral and I am frankly glad that chapter closed forever.

Every second Sunday of the month, Cole and I would drive up with David, our son to see my mother.
She was getting worse but giving so much love. She was still unhappy that Cole and I had David out of wedlock.
But this particular Sunday, we had news.

As we sat watching a movie together, I leaned over to her and flashed a ring!
She jumped out of her seat and squealed, startling a laser focus Cole and a napping David.
She hugged me and said

“I am so happy!”

We danced briefly and she beamed the rest of the evening.
She would not attend my wedding to Cole a year later.
She passed in her sleep that night.
And she was right about time, the short amount we had was priceless.
She met David and I, while she gave her blessing to marry Cole.
I shed a tear because I selfishly wanted to keep her longer but I was grateful that I found and loved my mother.

 

The End. 

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© 2017 #WhatTheHeckMan

#WhatTheHeckMan · #WordsofWednesday · African · Art · Bloggers · Drama · Erotica · Fiction · Life · Nigerian Writers · Oakland · Poetry · Sex · Stories · TheRants

The Man, The Shadow: Diary of a Lost Soul 2

the-man-the-shadow-part-2

The Man, The Shadow: Diary of a Lost Soul Part 2

The morning sun was beaming through the window pane as I jumped out of bed. I noticed that my shorts were on as I grabbed my T-shirt from the chair it was rested on.

I turned to my left and made eye contact as I whispered to her

“When did you come here?”

She whispered back

“You came in here last night. Buzzed”

Oh no!
I had fallen victim again to my own body. Fuck!

I slid my slippers on and whispered as I gestured

“did we fuck last night?”

She nodded.
And we both smiled simultaneously.

“You’re bad”

I whispered again with a wry smile.
She beamed as she said

“Only for you papa”

As I took a few steps towards the door, I heard a knock

“Meji”

The person from the other side called. It was my aunt.
I waved Monsurat to sit on the bed but away from sight. As I opened the door, I stepped out and into the hallway.

“Meji, have you seen Monsurat? We can’t find her anywhere”

I placed my right hand on my head and scratched it. I finally said

“Ooh! I sent her to the market. I need some black soap”

“Black soap?

My aunt looked confused. She then said

“Why didn’t you ask me, I have some”

I shrugged and said

“Oh sorry aunty, I didn’t know.
She should be back soon”
As I turned around to head back into the room, I caught the look of Jolade from the corner of my eye. It was filled with judgment.
She knew. But she was never going to say a word.

I reentered the room and said

“She is gone but how did you end up in here.”

She smiled and slowly walked to me. She planted a kiss on my cheek and whispered

“You should be thanking me for not being loud last night”

I slid my hand down her back and squeezed her bum while I said

“You were loud the last time though”

She smiled and said

“Only because you were trying to prove a point…. I’m going to wait a few minutes before I head out. This one that your aunt is looking for me”
I left the room and heard the door lock behind me. I remember chuckling to myself as I walked out into the yard.
I was quickly met with my uncles and aunts seated in a circle gisting and catching up. Preparations for the traditional part of the wedding were under for later that afternoon.
The cow was been slaughtered. Goat meat being cooked under firewood stoked pots beneath the mango tree.

It was truly amazing to see the family all coming together. When you looked at the entire family from a birds eye view, we truly looked like we had it all together.
Working professionals, creatives, entrepreneurs and folks on the verge of fulfilling their potential; my family was beautiful but broken and I just prayed we would get through the entire weekend without any issues.

Someone called my name and I turned around. It was Chukwuka, my best friend from high school, in town for the wedding.
I shook his hand and said

“Long time no see”

He smiled back and said

“No be you dey run from me?”

…..

If you have ever been in a part of a traditional Nigerian wedding, you can tell that time is a concept that is is lost to Yoruba people. Well Nigerians as a whole if I am being honest.
It was one thing after the other, there was one point when they had all the single men in their entire family, come and beg for Jola’s hand in marriage.

A beautiful experience without a doubt but just looooong.
As I sat next to Sola, I began to scan the room.
My mind started to wander.
I was reevaluating what had happened to us. Don’t get me wrong, every family has their own drama but I always felt like that at every turn, we were only a few wrong words from an explosion.

My life mirrored that of my family; put together on the outside but very broken on the inside.
Uncles and aunts that didn’t talk, cousins that would never see eye to eye and just an all round tension that floated around the family.
I noticed Monsurat walk by, I loved her but she was in love with me.
She had been for years. The circumstances that made it so were cleared at play during the ceremony.

I wanted her to leave and come to Lagos but the loyalty she showed towards my grandmother was commendable.
It actually made her more attractive.
There were times when I would come into town and stay at a hotel, she would come over and spend time with me.

I get what you are thinking. That I am the entitled child from wealth that is taking advantage of the help.
In actual fact, it’s been the other way around. Well not exactly.
Monsurat is beautiful, one of those that you will adore the first time and her looks just captivate you.
She has such a warm smile with that darker chocolate skin tone that suggests that she might be from the northern parts of Nigeria.
All in all, she is beautiful and smart and for the last two years, I have trying to make the relationship official.
I wanted to shout it out to the whole world but she asked me not.
She invited me to see the world in her shoes and how she will be viewed as “the help that got the child to fall in love” or as a gold digger.
I totally understand how she felt and knowing how judgmental my family can be, I am glad we never said anything.

I was tired of living in the shadows.
My depression and anxiety were two of the things I battled with but I was never able to share with my family.
I also temporarily battled with sexually acting out.
From one dangerous act to the other, I kept pushing the envelope because I wanted to feel something, even if it was pain.

But some of the people that contributed heavily towards my present state, were people that I had been promised that they would love me. Because we were family.

I was getting bored and actually annoyed that they were wasting time, so I got up and headed into the house to top off my Jack and Coke.
As I headed back outside, I realized that the ladies were in the living room helping Jolade fix her gele which is a traditional head-tie.

I peeked into the room and said

“Heyyyy, I just wanted to come and say congratulations before all the second round stuff starts”

Jolade smiled at me said

“Meji, thank you so much”

she reached up and planted a kiss on my cheek.
I smiled at the other ladies in the room and turned around to leave. As I exited the room, I noticed Sola walking towards the room.

“What were you doing in there?”

He rudely asked.
I smirked and said

“None of your damn business”

As I tried to walk past him, he pushed me in my chest and said

“Who the hell are you talking to?”

I stepped back and looked him square in the face.

“Juwon, if you know you want to fucking get killed today, touch me one more time”

He stepped up to me and tried to push me, at this point, the ladies helping Jolade with her makeup and outfit, ran into the hallway and got in between us.

“Juwon, what the fuck is your problem ,huh?
Why do you fucking have a problem with me? Is everything okay with you?”

I yelled.
He reached around some of the women and poked me again and said

“You are my fucking problem, you damn snake”

I was livid and boiling inside as I yelled back

“You called me a snake?
From you???!!! Are you fucking kidding me??”

He gestured at me as he continued to be held back.
I blurted out and said

“You definitely don’t want to go there with me here because if I start talking here…”

“You don’t have shit to say like always! Always making shit up, stop fucking lie”

He yelled back to me.
I kid you not, my chest must have jumped out of my heart. Yes, you read that correctly.
I wanted to jump over all those people holding me back and rip his throat out.
As I tried to push them off saying

“E fi mi le”
“Leave me alone”

His mother, my aunt, my mother and some other family members had now filled up the room.

“Aunty, tell your son to stop trying to start problems wherever he goes. We are tired of it”

My mom frowned and said

“What do you mean? What did he do?”

“Ask him!”

He shouted back.
His mother jumped in and said to him

“You will speak to your aunt with respect. Now what is wrong with both of you?!
This is Jola’s special day and you are both doing your best to ruin it. What is going on?”

I relaxed a bit and said

“There won’t be any problems if Juwon just stays in his lane and leaves me alone”

He got riled up again and said

“And if I don’t leave you alone? What will you do? Cry like a little pussy that you are. You are weak and thats why you are fucking alone. Your life is sorry and no one is able to tell you!”

I won’t lie, upon reflection, those words cut deep because there was some truth to it, I didn’t realize what was like a defense mechanism when I blurted out

“At least it is better than brother and sister fucking each other!”

Everyone gasped and the entire room went silent. All eyes turned to a fully clad Jola and then to Juwon and then back to me.
A few awkward moments and suddenly Jola ran out of the room and into the living room. There was another door that led to the front of the house and I think she left through there.

Some tried to follow her and Juwon again tried to launch at me before people grabbed him. My aunt, teary eyed, walked towards me and said

“You just wanted to tear my family apart?”

I replied without a flinch and without any remorse,

“They broke me first”

Thank you for READING. PLEASE COMMENT and answer the poll below. 3 lucky readers will get a first look on Part 3.

 

It’s Part 2 of The Man, The Shadow: Diary of a Lost Soul by The Wordsmith @adewus4real
PART 3 drops next Saturday!
Stay up

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#WordsOfWednesday
© 2017 #WhatTheHeckMan

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The Man, The Shadow: Diary of a Lost Soul

the-man-the-shadow

The Man, The Shadow: Diary of a Lost Soul

I’ve lost
I’ve gained
My life has changed
Nothing is the same
Scars and pains
Crossed our names
Regret and shame
A dawn of a new age
The past feels like a burden
It all spun out in a sudden
There are memories to grasp
Some that will hold you back
As I stare in this pool of tears and laughs
I flash back
To a time where it all laid flat
No mountains to climb
Or valleys that doubled as death traps
A lair for an ambush
An open forum to disseminate the truth
This is life
This is the bread that hardens in the sunlight
Tasteless
It rips and shreds
Like dried rose petals
The colors bloom and then fade
One thing remains
Me
I’ve loved and lost
I’ve tried again and wanted more
But life is like a revolving door
Some in and others out before a new dawn
I’ve lost while in love
And there is more and more
This is me
The one that matters at the end of it all

          I woke up as the convoy pulled into the house. There is a notorious bump in the driveway to my grandaunt’s house that cars always had to go over as we arrived. It woke me up and I looked around.
We were home.
I wasn’t the only one asleep on the ride from Lagos to my hometown, Ilawe Ekiti.
That 4hour drive had always been gruesome and painful but since I moved out of Nigeria, it was more bearable.
I actually looked forward to it now since I didn’t get a chance to come back home often.

We all dismounted the car as I stretched. The maid Monsurat, ran out and came to greet us. There was a beaming smile on her face. Pure joy.
Monsurat, now a college graduate, began to work for my grandmother when she was 14. I was 10.
I remember her going to a day school closer to the house while we were at “better” schools.
My aunt made sure that she got an education while also taking her under her wing as both of her parents were extremely poor.
She was so happy to see us. Hugs as we made our way into the house, the beautiful aroma of the traditional Isapa soup greeted us.
I could hear the Iyan (Pounded yam) getting made in the back of the house.
Memories.

My grandmother was not home. Apparently she was out running errands with one of my aunts as preparations for my cousins wedding drew to a close.
From far and near, the house filled up by nighttime. I woke up from my nap on the living room couch to a new wave of arrivals.
My cousins the Adesina’s, had just arrived. Their family was the first to hit wealth in our extended unit. My aunt Bunmi, married an oil magnate in the late 70’s and six children came as a result. The last two are much closer to me in age but the rest are distant in age and interactions.
Her last born was getting married, Jolade. She was the last born and only girl my aunt had, you can imagine how spoiled she was.
We couldn’t stand her growing up but she very quickly grew into a phenomenal woman, and at 28 she is one that we are all really proud of.

“Meji! It’s been a minute”

She called out as she hugged me tightly. She was like a big sister to me.
Warm and always very protective especially during my secondary school days as we went to the same school. Our family had connections at one of the finest local boarding schools. So it was almost a rite of passage to get your life experience there.

“Mj, you look good!
Team beard gang now I see? You better shave it before they think you are part of Boko Haram o”

I smiled back and said

“So you want me to cut it tonight? So I can be fresh faced for your wedding this weekend?”

I laughed as she squeezed her face in disapproval.

“You better don’t try it. I need you giving them sultry looks at the wedding. Let those young girls know we have fine men in our family!”

I nodded and smiled hard as someone hugged her and moved her along.
Side conversations were happening as the living room was filled up. It was out of the corner of my eye that I noticed Juwon.
He is Jolade’s immediate older brother and the terrier of the family. And for a few reasons he did not like me.
This I understood very well and I always played my part in avoiding interactions with him. But that day it almost boiled over.
I was walking back from getting Suya (Skewered meat with spices) with another one of my cousins. As we made our way into the compound, I could hear someone on the phone but it was dark, so I couldn’t make out the face.
Nearing person, I realized it was Juwon. As we walked past him, I heard him hiss very loudly.
I had every intention to let it slide but something in me refused to let it be.
I stopped and as I was about to turn around, my other cousin with me said

“Mj, let it be”

My family called me Mj because as a kid, I loved Michael Jackson and I would mime all his songs but also because it was a cool shortening of my actual name.
I turned and said

“Sola, I go meet you inside”

I don’t know if it was the palm wine I drank at the suya joint but I walked up to Juwon and said

“Hey, what the fuck is your problem?”

Now for context, Juwon is about 8 years older than me.
He ended the call and said

“Do you know who the fuck you are talking to?”

I scoffed and said

“Juwon, we aint kids no more and you are not in charge of shit around here. I have kept my mouth shut all these years out of respect for your sister and this family. But best believe that if you cross me, I don’t care how old you are, I will fuck you up.
You don’t know me and lets keep it that way”

He seemed visibly taken back but gathered himself to say

“You kept your mouth shut because you have dirt too and that doesn’t change the fact that I am not your mate”

I moved up closer to him till there was only about an inch of space between us and I said

“Listen to me clearly, don’t fuck with me”

As my last word tailed off, I heard the generator in the back of the house roar and noticed one of my uncles and my mom walking through the main gate.

“Ki le yin se ninu okunkun eyin boys”
“what are you boys doing in the dark out here”

My mom said as they walked into the house. My mom put her hand on my head and playfully rubbed it as all four of us walked back into the house.
She knew what had almost happened. There were secrets within our family.
And almost everyone had a chapter they tucked away.

……

The next day was a Thursday. It was in the evening as we did a “meet and greet” of extended families.
The grooms family, mostly staying in hotels in the area, came to the house.
Just think of a huge barbecue with a catered chef and unlimited drinks.
Some more of our family members had arrived and it was beginning to seem like a struggle to keep track.

But it was a good time. Good music, good vibes and just all round fun with everyone.
I was even beginning to notice some beautiful women on the grooms side, this union seemed like the beginning of a fruitful partnership. 😊

I think it was because I was at home and there were upwards of 80 people there but I wasn’t keeping track of how much I was drinking.
I was getting really tipsy and usually when I do, I get really quiet. Which is exactly what I did.
My vision was blurry as I tried to look at my phone.
I rose and told my cousin Sola that I was going to lay down for a bit and come back.

I made my way into the house and towards my room. Sola and I were sharing that room.
As I opened the door the lights invited themselves into the room without knocking.
Creeping through the lines in the curtains, they allowed me to take in enough of the view laid bare before me.
It was her.
Her curves, her smile shined bright in the dimly lit room. She got up and leaned in to kiss me.
One kiss.
And I moved to kissing her around her neck. Holding the back of her head in my left hand, my wet tongue canvassed her neck as she moaned into my left ear.

My right hand rummaged through quickly and found safety within her blouse.
Alternating between soft and firm squeezes of her breasts, my hand cupped them with love and control.
She moaned some more.
The kisses got fainter and I soon flipped her over.

Back lifted, I pulled down her panties faster than I downed the drinks from earlier.
A few more kisses around her navel and my lips met with hers.
It was sweet and wet.
The more I kissed them passionately, the more they flooded the creases around my teeth.
The cavity of my mouth was filled up with her juices.
My tongue worked tirelessly getting to know her.
My brain orchestrated my tongue as I twisted and turned exploring her depths.
Deeper and deeper I went, searching for things words could not express. She moaned faintly but the blasting music from outside drowned out her voice.

There is a dedication to the way I explored her pink.
The layers, the moist, the ability to command my attention; I loved it all.
My throbbing member, laid in waiting, joined the party.
The condom proving the thinest and most important barrier between us and newness, I dug deep.
Thrusting and grinding, I slid in and out.

Minutes passed and over I turned her.
From the back, it seemed like I saw all of her.
Flaws and all, I identified her reaches, highs and lows.
As she threw all of herself back into me, it felt like I was meeting her again.
Reintroducing myself without saying my name.
Her moans signified agreement as I pulled her hair and she bit down on my fingers.
Harder, I pounded as the pain coursed through my hands and into my widened hips.
Her head tilted all the way back, her moans were laced with profane words as my balls offered a steady sensitivity that I refused to offer outside of the bed.
And in time, I came.
A kiss on her back. I slid out of her and stood up.
Condom off, lights in the bathroom soon went on.
I wrapped the condom in some toilet paper and flushed it down the toilet.
Turning the faucet on, to cold water, I stroked my still upright member as I dabbed on some hand soap into the mix.
It only took a few minutes and I was satisfied with the wash down.
And then it happened.
I saw me.
As I glanced into the mirror, I was washed with disgust.
At myself and the emptiness in the sexual encounter I had just authorized.
I stood there and watched the sweat still dripping down my chest and shook my head.
A flick of the wrist and the scene closed out.
I headed back into the room and there she was, gently snoring away.

I snuck into my bed and laid on my chest.
I finally caught my breath and right before I could think, she wrapped her hands around me and snuggled up close to me.
I cringed.
Don’t get me wrong. I liked her.
But for some reason, I hated when she touched me.
I was so tired though, a few minutes later, I was gone.
Knocked out.

You know when you are asleep and in a dream but hearing things from your reality? Like your mom’s really loud voice calling your name or your aunt shouting

“Monsurat, Monsurat”

around the house.
It took me a few seconds before I jumped out of my sleep. Startling the lady that was sleeping on me.
She looked at me in shock as she gathered herself and I tried to apologize without being too loud.
Then my aunt yelled out again as she knocked on doors

“Monsurat!”

I turned to my right and my eyes grew big. Hers too.
Oh no!
#WhatTheHeckMan

End of Part 1

Welcome to your first rollercoaster ride of 2017. Buckle up, it gets bumpy! 😊 If you’re mad at that ending, leave me a comment .

Thank you for READING. PLEASE COMMENT, it boosts my intensity and feedback is always welcome! ❤️

It’s Part 1 of The Man, The Shadow: Diary of a Lost Soul by The Wordsmith @adewus4real
PART 2 drops next Saturday!
Stay up

Follow @adewus4real

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

#WordsOfWednesday
© 2017 #WhatTheHeckMan

#WhatTheHeckMan · #WordsofWednesday · African · Art · Bloggers · Drama · Erotica · Fiction · Life · Nigerian Writers · Oakland · Poetry · Sex · Stories · TheRants

I Got a DUI…

“I Got a DUI…”

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Breathing Underwater by Emeli Sandé

Click play before you read.

A twirl
She bopped her head and danced away in her towel
Careless and free
A smile worth any man’s pain
She leaned in close to the camera
I tilted my head for a better view
She puckered up
Then I asked
“Is this new?”

The tune blasted from the portable speakers
I watched her attempt to wine her waist
Simultaneously covering her beautiful black skin in coconut oil
She glowed from the inside
Her singing voice
Death to any tune
Sailed through my phone
I cringed and attempted to end the FaceTime call, but she smiled even more
Her smile was amazing
A close second to how beautiful she was
A new song
A different top
Lace panties on
She asked
“Should I keep the necklace on.”

A kiss goodbye
And a confident Queen sailed into the night
My overprotective warning as a gift goodbye
It was meant to be a great night with some good friends
A bar and a lounge
A chance to forget the 5 slave days that seemed like they would never end
I looked forward to tipsy snaps
Filled with her joyful laughs
They never came
Instead, I got a text
“Pulled over.”

My heart raced
I feared the worst
Her career, her family, her emotions
Her
I began to panic
Waiting for the follow-up
I waited and waited
Then I fell asleep on the couch
Morning came, and she texted again
This time I could breathe a bit
She hadn’t been detained
Another FaceTime call
She answered as she merged onto the highway
I asked
“No DUI?”

No DUI
The system couldn’t add any more toxins into her life
Her stream was filled with unwanted elements she couldn’t account for
The hospital concluded her drink had been spiked at that bar
Yes
A Queen out on the night to share her beauty with the world,
Could have been violated by a peasant with no regard for royalty
How dare he?
She looked tired
Lips chapped
Sleep, a distant companion
She headed home
Tempering my anger at my entire gender
I asked
“Are you okay?

The follow-up came hours later
She texted
“911”
To my friends that was a sounding call
Send that, and everything stops
Full attention to your aching heart
So I Facetimed her again
This time I said no words
Tears streamed down her cheeks
It dawned
She was almost raped last night
Things she had only heard about on Twitter feeds and passing conversations

It almost happened to her
And that was a painful pill
Another thing she never planned to ingest
Her eyes welled, and she shed tears
Of pain and sadness
That even in a world she loves so much
Some continue to try and hurt her
There are no words to say that can make it go away
But like I said to my friend
I am sorry on behalf of all of us
No woman, man or any other deserves to be violated
None at all

Please be watchful and vigilant around EVERYONE. My friend nearly became a victim of something so painful and damaging. Hold those around you accountable and let’s look out for each other.
Educate and please be an ally for everyone you can. Thank you.

It’s #WordsOfWednesday by The Wordsmith @adewus4real

Stay up!

My New Series will be out on 2.4.17
Follow @adewus4real

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

#WordsOfWednesday
© 2017 #WhatTheHeckMan

#WhatTheHeckMan · #WordsofWednesday · African · Art · Bloggers · Drama · Fiction · Life · Nigerian Writers · Oakland · Poetry · Sex · Stories · TheRants · Uncategorized

I Cheated. I Lied….So What?!

I Cheated. I Lied….So What?!

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11:54 pm Tuesday.
It wasn’t even on my radar to write a #WordsOfWednesday this week but God has a way of getting things out there.

I want to share some insight to someone out there. Hopefully, my story might teach someone a thing or two. I have an email to reply, but at this moment, this is heavy on my chest.
I was briefly talking to someone about 2016, she gleaned about how it was a great year for her, and I just smiled and nodded.
I hated 2016.
I hated the 2016 version of myself.
Here’s why.

I once told someone who I have known for a while who happened to be mad at me for writing about my life instead of sharing, that it is sometimes easier to talk to a stranger than to your kin.
I love sharing me with you all because well, it’s me.
I feel like I am finally back to the reason why I started this blog in the first place, to let my heart out.

I wrote last year about not loving on E but also not settling for less than…
So this is me…well the old version of me.
I liked talking to different women at once.
Truth? It was intoxicating.
One wouldn’t answer the phone, so I had another wanting to talk. One didn’t seem to care, 2 others were begging to show they cared.
It was nice to know that you would post a picture or something and 4 people will respond or things like that.
That was “cool”.
But the real reason was that it allowed me to stay ahead, see I would spread myself, parts of me across these women and prevent any of them truly being able to fully know me.
You were always close enough but never there.

Why you ask?
I hate to be cliche, but it was for fear of being hurt.
So never fully allowing yourself to open up.
Side effect? 4 eventually broken hearts. Or whatever the number was.
I fell in love with fear. It consumed me.
My birthday is coming up and I’m deciding between having a dinner or going to do something solo.
I have started reflecting. My words for 2017 are “Peace, Happiness, Purpose and Impact.”
I do not want to end this year with nothing to show for it. My purpose will be actualized, and subsequently, my impact will be felt.

12:06am
So why did I tell you about myself before? 2 reasons.
I was talking to my beautiful mother, who was advising me on love and relationships.
I was telling her of the “deadweight” I dropped last year and what not.
She laughed.
She said “they weren’t deadweight. You just picked bags that weren’t yours to carry.”
I was stunned.

Imagine yourself waiting at baggage claim after a flight. The bags start filing out, and you grab one that looks like yours off the conveyor belt. As you set it down, before you even realize its not your bag, someone comes over and takes it from you.
It’s their bag. You look down and realize its really theirs but you have now expended effort in carrying it off the belt, but it’s not yours.

That was what I did the most of in 2016.
I met someone at the end of 2015, I just wanted to be friends, and we got close very fast.
She is amazing in her own way. Personality wise, we might not see eye to eye, but I know she comes from a good place.
Eventually, she told me she had feelings for me. Now because I was so set in my ways, I refused.
I wouldn’t budge.
The more she tried to love me, the more I pushed back. Till we broke.
I found that because I didn’t love myself at the time, the “love” the person(s) had to give was just annoying to me.
So I fought back.
But I would always circle back to the question that troubled me, “why me?”

I was barely showing my real self to anyone, so why would you love me?
Why?
I hypothesized. Maybe they wanted the facade or the man they thought they knew.
The thing that hurt the most about the man I was in that time, I neglected the ones I actually loved.
My friend Ninz for example. This is a public and unsolicited apology to her
But that woman has been a rock for a nigga in some troubling times.
Annoying as she is, she is just flat out amazing.
Never told her enough.
But I was so distracted by carrying others peoples bags that I didn’t know when the bottom fell out on hers and those of others around me like Bola and Ifeanyi.

2014-2015; I was a bleeding man.
So concerned with staying ahead of the curve, I would never allow myself to feel too much.
And even when I felt, I felt for broken people who I could patch up instead of fixing myself.
But towards the end of 2016, as I came out of my surgery, I realized that what I mostly needed was me and a stronger relationship with God.
I was worshipping and being functional with him, but I was losing myself.

When you are not ready for love someone has to give you, everything they do will be annoying and overbearing.
You will find it hard to call or text.
And when they complain you will want to pull your hair out.
Listen y’all I fucked up some in 2016.

There a few people that I wish I dug deeper and called a bit more.
Asked about their well being or even listened a bit more.
But here is the catch, you can’t do that for everyone.
So the ones that are truly your friends are the ones that deserve that treatment.
Some people have walked out of my life right now, and while I miss the times we shared, I don’t miss them.
Why?
Because they never brought anything to me anyways. Doesn’t make them horrible people but its the truth.
I urge you. Do not be primarily a taker/receiver and do not be just a giver.
Find a balance.

I pray that I have the grace to continue to give without expecting anything. Pay it forward.
You will not please everyone, and you will keep everyone.
But do not lose the core of your team, trying to please the players on another team.
In some cases, less is more.
Be responsible for you also.
If someone is giving, you love that you know you don’t want, RUN.
Of if you mind is trying to tell you to save someone, RUN.

Sometimes the person that needs saving the most in that time is you.
Don’t waste time tweeting “Don’t settle for this or that. Or you deserve this or that.”
If you are still doing that, you are dwelling on the old, and you need to let that shit GO.
Nnenna used to say, she hated the fact that I allowed people that I would not invite to my family home, claim to know me.
I finally understand what she meant.
Trying to save the passengers that were never meant to go the full ride, I crashed the ship.

I like where I am in 2017.
Fewer people to worry about, focused on goals and making changes that are needed.
There is only one person, I am focusing on now, and I love it.
But also my happiness is the priority.
I have a few friends and a lot of people that love me.
My goal is to not lose sight of them. I cheated on them and on myself.

Punishing myself with temporary pleasures and short-lived highs.
When I have people that love me unconditionally that I can build lasting forevers with.
To everyone that tried to love me when I didn’t want to be loved, thank you!
I truly mean it.
And I am sorry it took me so long to appreciate it.
To the ones that have loved me and wondered who or where I was, I’m back!
Scarred and broken but better.
So here is my love and my heart to my friends, my loved ones and to you all that read, COMMENT and support. Thank you.
2017 is ours.
We grow, we learn, we thrive.
I cheated…on me…but we gon be alright!

It’s #WordsOfWednesday by The Wordsmith @adewus4real
Stay up!

My New Series will be out on 2.4.17
Please watch this space! It will be fire! My best work yet. I PROMISE YOU!

Follow @adewus4real

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

#WordsOfWednesday
© 2017 #WhatTheHeckMan

#WhatTheHeckMan · #WordsofWednesday · African · Art · Bloggers · Drama · Erotica · Fiction · Life · Nigerian Writers · Oakland · Poetry · Sex · Stories · TheRants · Uncategorized

Pain & Pleasure in Feeling #WordsOfWednesday

 

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It is 7:03pm.
I just walked into the house. I flicked on the lights with my right hand, turned to my left and headed into the hallway. There, I turned on the heater and set my knee brace down in my room.

I wonder where my ring is. I usually wear it on the middle finger of my right hand but I haven’t been able to find it for about two days now.
Oh well.

Sooo… now I am sitting on the floor of my living room. The heater is blowing too loud to my left.
My feet are crossed.
The next words are being typed and here we are.

Something I have enjoyed about writing is it allows me to talk , spill my heart even when my mouth is shut.

Christmas is in a few days and I don’t feel the spirit nor do I feel festive but it will be nice to have a long weekend.
Every year for the last few years, I have sat down and written who and what I have been thankful for.

This year was harder.
I wrote about most of it in my last piece but I think I finally realized what I was thankful for.
By losing so much, I realized how much I gained.
There is a similar feeling I have right now, to the one I had at the end of last year.
So yes, I have told myself, that I let myself down.

But I realized, you don’t have to please anybody but your family and God.
Truly.
I spent so much time trying to be politically correct and “right” for folks that won’t deserve it.
Also, realizing that you are all you’ve got. At the end of the day, when the chips are down, all you really need is you.
So 2017 is about getting better with self, purpose, art and God.
Focus and channel your strength into all those things.

One thing I realized was that, intentionally or unintentionally, the things I channeled the most effort into are the things I succeeded at this year.
Keep your circle small. Keep your head down. And just be the best you.
Those goals you have lined out for 2017, chase those harder than anything out there.
Pray about them. Chase them. Pursue those goals.
2016, I am thankful for painful lessons.
I tried to love this year. I did.
Infant, I might have loved or at least what felt like it.
Truth is this, if you are not totally ready in 2017 and beyond, stay single. Tattoo it to your forehead and enjoy your time.
If you are not filled up, you will have nothing to give.
Ultimately you will hurt yourself and those you might even have intentions of loving.

Be true to you.
Protect your peace.
Cherish your happiness.
Do your best to show the people you genuinely love AND those that truly LOVE YOU, the best care you can.
Never give up on yourself. Even when others give up on you.
Cry if you have to and then get up.

It is okay to be alone, as long as you are happy and fulfilled.
Stress should be a thing of the past.
Do not deal with folks that hover for chaos.
Let your passions and purpose direct your path.
I know this piece is a bit all over the the place but it’s reflective of my mood right now.

2016. What a bloody wawuuuuu….

Parents
Thank you for always reminding me that I have you and I have God.
My mom would always redirect it back to place of safety in Christ. It was so hard to admit to her that I felt like I lost a bit of my way but truly grateful for the unconditional love parents show.

Ninzlo
There is a gift of foresight that God has given you. It is amazing.
So many times this year, you could have justifiably said
“Sanmi, I told you” or “I warned you”
I know you sometimes desperately want to but thank you for not.
Thank you for being a listening ear for holding me up. Praying for and with me.
Standing by me even when I have doubted my art, my truth, myself.
You are real one and I pray for a bigger 2017 for you.
It’s already loading anyways. Baba God no dey sleep! But you are still very annoying!

 

BeingBola
Man, so much of this year, you were everything. The aftermath of the fire.
When I felt depression creeping back in, even when I couldn’t verbalize. The thankless things you did. The morning voice notes of prayer.
When you would fight for me and pull me up.
This one is hard because of where things are now. But I trust God and I trust his word.
I pray for a better 2017 for you. And I pray he truly grants all your hearts desires. And I pray you find love.
And someone that you will feel safe to let go. And someone that will never give up on you.

 

Echeme
You are like a silent pillar.
2016, you were a bit scarce. More than you have been in recent years. A lot happened for you too but life in general was a challenge that we overcome. I always feel a sense of warmth and grounding when I talk to you.
We haven’t had one of those “hit your core” talks in a min. Now you ran and went to Nigeria. Useless.
I am happy for you and your love. It reminds me of a time and now inspires me back to a place I once knew.
Thanks brother.

 

AyoB
Man!
There is a level of vulnerability that came with meeting you and beginning to know you.
You are truly a gift. Somehow you have your way. The way you challenge me, I don’t get to slouch or have the easy route. I truly appreciate that.
And you steady giving them!
You have brought so much light to my path this year and I pray the same for you in 2017. Thank you so much.

 

Itafe
Yoooooooooooooooo. Where would I be without you?
You are just a pleasure in my life. A true definition of a brother.
A blessing.
You make me laugh effortlessly and you ALWAYS put a smile on my face.
Your advice, your humility and your honesty is so refreshing. You are truly one of the good guys.
And I am thankful for you. Like gahhh.. aint gonna cry but I love you bro.

 

D-O
I don’t think you have decided if you want to stay in my life and stop stressing me out or stay and keep stressing me out. Lol
But make up your damn mind!
Me I don tire o.
You were an unlikely confidant, one that I would sometimes even forget to thank but you have been truly amazing. Thank you for all of the times you weren’t fighting me lol

Mallamsawyer
There is an energy you bring. Genuineness in interactions that I admire.
You make people around you feel really good. And that is what I aspire to be always. We met on July 2nd and every interaction I have had with you since then has been positive. You might not even have realized it.
So thank you for your telling mark. It has been a blessing.
And to everyone new that I have met that is becoming more important in my life as the days go by, I appreciate you all. OO, TJ, Pepe, Jua,

For a long time, I spent 2016 trying to feel sorry for the things I lost but I had to become thankful for so much more.
For lessons, perspective, growth and the love of those that matter.
You won’t believe that it can get better but it does.
it really does.

Let thanksgiving never depart from your mouth.
There will be tears of overwhelm and of joy. But amongst all things, give thanks!
There is so much to look forward to in 2017!
No jokes!

I will be back to giving you monthly series. #TheRants will only be more impactful.
The book will finally come out. And that web series is definitely being worked on.
So trust me when I say 2017 is mine. It’s ours.
Its for #TheRants. Its for positive and powerful people.

It is for #WhatTheHeckMan

Check out my weekend offering. I will be releasing a one part story this Saturday. See the flyer below.

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Till next time ladies and gentlemen!
Bless Up!
7:38pm

Follow @adewus4real

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

#SanmiSaturdays

© 2016 #WhatTheHeckMan

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#WhatTheHeckMan · #WordsofWednesday · African · Bloggers · Drama · Fiction · Life · Oakland · Poetry · Sex · Stories · TheRants · Uncategorized

Réfléchir & Croître

Black Friday. Cyber Monday. Christmas Shopping. Annual Evals.

Resolution Review…

Time to balance the books…

 

Time to balance the books. It’s a #WhatTheHeckMan audit. So what’s ha’nning?

The end of the year often brings about reflection. Unwanted or preplanned, you find folks taking the time out to recollect and recount the year that has just gone by.
We find boxes to put things in.
Think of it like sorting through a giant box of undated photographs and trying to create albums that you then stuff under your bed or away in the hallway closet.

So here I am reflecting on what the year brought along with it.

Light It Up!

March 6th, 2016.
I remember sitting that evening by the water fountain and repeatedly saying

“The Devil is a liar”

I had a fantastic day that day before that moment. I gave a testimony at church, led worship and felt very lifted to be honest.
The Friday before that, I had gotten a promotion at my job.
I was so happy.
So when majority of my apartment went up in flames, I knew it was the devil trying to steal my joy.
I think I was in shock for the most part. I didn’t cry immediately.
I was in shock.

The following weeks were crazy.
The support and love from some people was amazing. It showed me the kinds of people I had in my corner.
Some were mad at me that they found out about the fire on social media and some were rallying around to support me.
Sleeping out of my house and trying to figure out how much I lost, I learned a lot in that time.
I truly thought I lost everything but something that truly stuck with me was the value in the people I loved.
They stayed close.
So in 2017, I plan to be a better friend and partner in 2017 to those that truly deserve it.

FriENDS.

Over the year, I battled.
Trying so hard to hold on to things. Picture walking into the groceries store and only needing one item but you stretch out your arms and fill them up with things you realize that you need.
But what happens now is that you’re carrying a lot, too much sometimes.

How I was in 2016 was like when you get home from the grocery store and you want to only make one trip from the car to the house.
So you are carrying twenty bags like your life depends on it. Your hands are hurting but you gotta only make one trip!
And then you end up in the house and realize you forgot one bag in the trunk! That one bag can be that really good friend that you ignored or forgot about this year.
I have a couple of those.

but this was also the year I said “Fuck Your Friendship” and meant it.
It was the year I got tired of glorified interactions. People you only interact with on a surface level that you give undeserving titles, like friends.
NOT EVERYBODY YOU CALL YOUR FRIEND IS YOUR FRIEND.

It was the year I realized that some people claim to be your friends off past experience.
And not merit.
Respect is earned, given and maintained.
EVERYDAY.
The people that care about you. Shouldn’t have to tell you everyday, but you shouldn’t doubt that they do either.
It was an eye opening year in that regard.
Be wary of friends that only want to talk to you about life when they hear “bad” things about you.
“Oh, I heard this today and I just wanted to come and talk to you first, because you know, you are my friend”
🙄
But the last time you spoke was 3weeks ago and it was because they heard something then too. Lol.
Now I’m not saying you have to be babied by your “friends” daily but you yourself, check yourself. If the only time you contacting someone is to talk about bad things, you might need to realign the kind of friend you are.
Friendships ended.
But if a friendship ends and the person is now out in the street dragging you at every chance they get, you have to tell yourself “Na me fuck up” for thinking you had sense to begin with.
There were some I literally said “fuck you” to, while knowing they were listening in.
Drop dead weight relationships or interactions. Sometimes we hold on to people because we are afraid of what our lives will look like without them but they are not even bringing anything to yours.
Don’t play yourself.
Only keep people that invest in you as often as you do them. No time for credit advance relationships.
#TheRants

What a blessing!
To have an outlet to create, explore and just share community with others.
I was/am/will be truly grateful for this year and the depths my show reached.
I bless God.
And I plan to work hard to bring better and bigger shows to those that love and support me.
Financial Responsibility

As I write this right now, my checking account is in negative $496.
I was out of work all of November and disability still aint come from post surgery.
So all my bills have hit, money long gone and savings vanished.
Nigeria on the horizon for many and I just dey here they pray.
I don’t say that for sympathy or whatever. Trust me, as much as I have many responsibilities as a first born, I was also financially irresponsible at certain times this year.
So I gotta do better for me and those relying on me.

You don’t realize who and what you are spending your hard earned money on, till the end of the road and you are looking back like what?!
LOL.

2017, I need to save better and have more residual income.
So if it aint making money, cut ittttttt.

God

Man.
I let God down so much this year.
It’s insane.
“As much as it your responsibility to not bring shame to your family name, you shouldn’t bring reproach to God’s name.”

If someone insults God because of who you are, you are somewhat liable.
People are tired of reading the bible. They read you.
So when things go sour, they use you or your life to reflect God.

Someone called me a fake Christian this year. Mutilple times.
Essentially highlight that I displayed certain behaviors that would make God unhappy with me. And they were right.
So we have to be careful.
Even though some of the behaviors involved the person, it was still hugely damning to hear them say you are less of a child of God.
You can sin with an “unbeliever” but when they want to point the finger, you’re the one with a father to answer to.
Remember that.
I didn’t read my bible enough this year.
I was so distracted yo.
Focusing on people and pleasures that didn’t keep me filled.
And I gotta do better.
Starting today and through 2017, I will make a conscious effort to spend more alone time with God.
Vibes

I was just telling my cousin how much Mr Eazi has allowed people to over use this word in 2016.

But you truly have to just enjoy vibes. Positive vibes.
Have people with positive energy around them.
You really gotta look at certain people from afar and watch the aura around them.

Even I brought on negative vibes in certain area of my life this year. And I had to check myself.
So surround yourself with positive and optimistic people that want to see you win at all costs.
People that will lift you up.
Do away with glorified “besties” and sometimes allow yourself to just be.
Here are some of the things I learned in 2016

1. It will be okay. As long as God sits on the throne, you will be fine.
2. Be thankful in all things.
3. Letting people go is just the beginning. You will not die
4. Love Yourself more than anything else. It radiates
5. You will make mistakes. Learn from them but learn more from others, so people don’t use you as a textbook.
6. Forgive yourself
7. Follow your passion. Discover your purpose.
8. Never settle for mediocrity.
9. Dare to be different. Like push the envelope
10. Demand the love and support you want and deserve.
11. Be accountable for your actions.
12. Your intent is not always enough. Your impact matters more.
13. believe in you and your heart. if you have a good heart, it will win. Eventually.
14. Save money
15. Travel and see the world
16. Allow yourself the space to be vulnerable.
17. Remember you are not an island but you are also strong enough to stand alone.
18. You cannot do anything without God.
#WhatTheHeckMan family, I adore you all. Thank you for being with me.
Thank you for allowing me to speak my truth and holding me up.
One thing I will ask each and everyone of you reading this is to hold me more accountable in 2017.
I am consumed by trying to be a better man. I want to be the best version of myself.
So if you catch me slipping, even if you don’t know me that well, please speak up.
I hope we all see the end of 2017 in divine joy, health, peace, happiness, prosperity and direction.
2017 will be great for you and me.
Say it into existence.
Thank you for being there for me.
I appreciate you. I bless God for you.

Till next time, ladies and gentlemen, it is the Wordsmith with the #WordsOfWednesday on WhatTheHeckMan.

Stay Up and Be Blessed.

Comment below and share with me, one thing you have learned in 2016 and one thing you will be better at in 2017.

Till next time, ladies and gentlemen, it is the Wordsmith with the #WordsOfWednesday on WhatTheHeckMan.

Stay Up and Be Blessed.

Follow @adewus4real

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

#SanmiSaturdays

© 2016 #WhatTheHeckMan

#WhatTheHeckMan · #WordsofWednesday · African · Art · Drama · Fiction · Life · Oakland · Poetry · Sex · TheRants · Uncategorized

What’s Love Got to Do…

img_9937

Selah by Emeli Sande

As I pulled the headphones out of my ears, I sighed.
Right as I write this, I am swimming in a mixture of emotions.
Anger, frustration, resentment, exhaustion and overall, emptiness.

The last few weeks have been defining and structurally important. It’s been a minute since we had a very real and honest “WordsOfWednesday”.
In this message, as always, I know I’ll be indirectly speaking to myself about a couple of things but who is a man without constant reflection?

So back to the last few weeks.
As we entered 2016, I was so desperate to not be where I am right now. Feeling what I feel right now.
The only difference between last year and now, I am not taking the full burden for said feelings.
I have historically been the person that would cower in emotion and blame myself for everything that has gone wrong.
No more.

Think of it like a box of donuts at work while you are on a diet.
Everyone claims they don’t want to touch it but they do, but you just walk there, take your donut and leave. When you get home, you cry tears of high fructose.

For sometime now, I thought I was broken.
Like people would tell me, “Sanmi, you’re not the man I used to know”  and to some extent I agree. But I also challenge that notion.
“Why do I have to be who you want me to be? Or why do I have to be stagnant?”

I have been called “meaner, harder, less patient”… amongst others but I am thankful for all of it.
Back to those headphones, I pulled them out and I had just finished listening to voice note from a friend.
In this voice note, she spoke about all the things I didn’t do for her. How I was selfish and things.
(Back story: we had an argument last night and I snapped. Like all of the last two/three weeks came rushing out)

It brings me back to this concept of love and loving yourself.
See love is weird in the sense that it is not something from a bottomless well. You give it, you receive it.
Not in the same doses but it’s give AND take.
If you spent all your time giving love and never receiving it, you would eventually run low or run out.
And then begin to resent the people who are demanding it from you.

Emotionally, I have been running on E, for a while now.
And the man I used to be, would lie and pretend to make everyone else happy. But I cant anymore.
Like I physically cannot bring myself to lie.
Certain messages come across my phone and I become physically tired. Like tired like I just finished getting a beatdown…tired.
It’s not there.
See its not that I don’t love these people, I just am expending so much of myself in different ways that pressuring me to give what I don’t necessarily have enough off, is frustrating.

Imagine wanting a movie from the local Blockbuster store, they are showing it as “in store”. But everytime you come to the store, they tell you they don’t have it.
So why are you showing it online????

My bestfriend (who is currently not talking to me, totally related to this) called me out on it.
“Sanmi, you give just enough of yourself to draw someone in but then you close up and people are left wondering what happened or what they did wrong”
I miss the old me.
The super sweet, everyone should be forgiven me but even at that point, my ex still left me. So I obviously wasn’t as good as I thought right?

The truth is, I was trying then.
Even when I failed, I was trying. Trying to be better
I think I am finally getting back to that guy after almost two years but not for people who don’t contribute.

I have been angry for a while.
At a lot of people and for someone who writes. Calls himself “The Wordsmith”, I don’t do enough talking.
Me snapping two nights ago was out of character. Takes a lot to get me there but I am tired.

Its like I have been trying to be this thing. This person for people when I should have been filling myself up (shut up Bola)
I was already empty but here I was giving more and more.

It is so funny, you can read a birthday card from a friend and it will say stuff like “Thank you for being there for me, you taught me so much”
But once you fight?
“You never gave me anything or matched my intensity”

My point truly is, stay.
Love is great but it is not to be used like a limitless card.
See when I was giving myself years ago, I wasn’t necessarily filling up on the love from the relationship but I was filling up on God’s love.
I would sing and be happy, pray and be safe. Even though in my relationship, I was hurting.

Now, I haven’t done enough refilling.
And people have been demanding. IT’s not even like they are asking for too much.
“Reply my text, check on me”
Basic shit really but I am so spent.

My hours and days are filled with thinking about things that are so present in my world.
That sometimes the extra stuff is too much.

Sometimes I think I allowed myself to drag on baggage, I should have dropped. So I was driving around, pulling myself down.
It’s not a crime to let go sometimes.
And if God is moving things away, let him!

Love is not enough. By itself, its not enough.
It requires much more.
You can have the love but in the wrong frame of mind, time of life, to the wrong person, it will not come across.
Don’t be like me.
Thinking you are macho in healing and giving. Stop and refill.
Driving your heart on E will cause the care to explode.
Park.
Think.
Cry.
Heal.
Refill.
Then drive into your next adventure with a clear mind.
I am probably going to cry after this because its been coming.
But I hope you learned something from all of this.
2016 has been a rollercoaster for a variety of reasons, but your heart should not be drained when it needs to be filled.

Don’t lov on E.
It will only leave you filled with resentment and still Empty.
Till next time,
Open and honest…

Sanmi.

Stay Up!

PLEASE COMMENT.

The End

Follow @adewus4real

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

© 2016 #WhatTheHeckMan

#WhatTheHeckMan · #WordsofWednesday · African · Art · Bloggers · Drama · Erotica · Fiction · Life · Nigerian Writers · Oakland · Poetry · Sex · Stories · TheRants · Uncategorized

Bella 4

bella

Mad Over You by Runtown

Standing over the kitchen sink and looking outside the window into the small backyard of the condo, my head was spinning.

Why was this my luck?

Why couldn’t I just fall for a man who would treat me right and not come with added stress?

You know when you are consumed by so much anger and you  want to cry it out?

Like shed the tears before you act and do something you would regret.

I am not sure how long I had been standing there but I heard Tabitha walk into the room.

She said

“Bella, is everything okay?”

I smiled and tried to play it off but in my mind, I was

“asking how in the hell could everything be okay?!

You just sprung a baby on me!!!!”

“How are you ma?

How was your trip?”

I deflected.

She smiled and walked up to. Complete disregard for personal space.

She stood a mere two fee away from me and said

“I see you trying to be strong and thats commendable. It is okay to be angry or disappointed.”

There was a sudden comfort in knowing she understood what I was feeling. She continued and said

“From what I am gathering, you didn’t know that Darrell had a child?..”

I nodded.

She then smiled and said

“If it is any consolation. Neither did he.

He doesn’t even know yet. So it is up to us, you and I, to figure out how to break it to him”

Suddenly, I didn’t feel like the focal point.

It wasn’t about me.

This man didn’t even know that he had fathered a child out in the world. He was only a few hours away from returning home and I had to figure out how to tell him that he would be a daddy…to two children.

….

“So Tabitha (she insisted I call her that), how do you know that it is Darrell’s and who is the mother?’

She sipped from her tea and set it on the coaster.

She leaned back in her seat and started

“I came back from a funeral about 3days ago. I was in the shower when I heard a knock on the door.

It took me a few minutes to make it out but when I did, there was no one at the door. Just this beautiful baby boy.

I could tell he was Darrell’s just from how draw I was to him. His eyes.

There was a birth certificate in the car seat and it was signed by Darrell’s ex wife but had his name listed as the father.

I pondered on what do but there was no way in hell that I was going to tell him that kind of information over the phone.

So I spoke to my pastor and booked a flight. And here we are.

I tried to contact her but she did not answer. She and Darrell never had a bad divorce, so I don’t know why she did this but here we are”

She sighed and picked up her tea again while she glanced over to the baby peacefully sleeping on the couch. He was beautiful.

Tucked behind a wall of pillows, he was just safe.

“How old is he?”

I asked.

“7 months.”

She replied

“His name is Devon”

I sat back in my chair and rested on my right side while my left hand rubbed my bulging stomach.

“I don’t know what to do Ms. Tabitha. I don’t know how to tell Darrell.

This is a lot”

She smiled and said

“There is nothing we cannot conquer under the sun. Besides, that is why I am here.

You will not be doing this alone”

I will be here with you”

There truly was something comforting about her. I knew there was a reason her son was so amazing.

She smiled and sipped from her tea again and then placed the cup down.

…..

I was talking to my cousin on the phone up in our bedroom when I heard Darrell’s car pull up in the driveway.

My heart started to beat really fast.

I remember glancing at my Fitbit on my left wrist and exhaling.

Heading down the stairs, I caught a glimpse of Ms. Tabitha.

She was standing by the front door.

She smiled as I approached and she stretched out her right hand and squeezed my left hand.

I was nervous.

The door opened and Darrell stood shocked in the doorway.

It was as if he couldn’t believe that his mother was standing there.

She moved closed to him and opened her arms.

He leaned in and took in her hug.

“Mom, what are you doing here?”

She smiled and said

“I came to see my son”

as she patted him on his cheek.

He placed his bag by the bookshelf to the right of the door and kissed me on the lips as he said

“Hey baby”

I forced a smile and he caught it.

He said

“Whats wrong babe?”

Before I could respond, his mom said

“D, come sit down. I need to talk to you”

He looked at me with a slight frown and said

“Okay…”

as he took his seat on the couch.

I sat on the loveseat closest to his mother as she started talking.

“So a few days ago, it came to my attention that you have a son.

You ex wife dropped him off at my home and here I am…

There is a lot more to the story but I am sure you know it better than either one of us.

The child is here with me because I wanted you to know and meet him. I can fully step up and raise him like I did you.

I totally understand wanting to start afresh with Bella. But I wanted to make sure I let you know”

Darrell looked stunned.

It took him a moment to process and then he said

“So she lied when she said she miscarried…

Wow”

I wanted to get up and go to him but I also knew that he needed space.

He looked like he was angry and shocked at the same time.

But true to character, he took a deep breath and said

“Where is my son?”

His mother pointed to the guest room.

The way Darrell held him, I could tell. I could tell that through all the mistakes I made with Mfon, this was the man.

Tears began to roll down his cheeks as he kissed Devon on the forehead.

He turned and looked at me and before he could speak, I said

“Devon”

A wry smile and the tears streamed down.

He was proud.

There was going to be an aftermath to this event but in that moment, all that mattered was the moment.

He loved that child from the moment he set his eyes on him.

And I loved him even more.

Ms. Tabitha returned home and then came back to stay with us.

As I neared delivery and Devon moved in, I needed extra hands and she was truly my rock.

A perfect mother in law and I couldn’t be more thankful.

A new chapter was upon us and my structured story seemed like it was being written on a fresh page, filled with color and love.

…..

Everything was happening fast.

I was so excited for my future and the challenges to come.

I essentially was raising two new borns at the same time.

I think it was shortly after my sister had posted my pictures from the maternity shoot, but I received a call that shook me.

It was Mfon.

He called that afternoon and we spoke for a little while.

In that conversation, he apologized.

He told me that he saw my pictures with Darrell and he could tell I was happy.

Him not signing the papers was only because he could not come to terms with the fact that he let things get bad between.

I urged him to seek help and follow his heart.

If he wanted to be loved by the same sex, he should live his truth.

He told me that he had sent the papers over.

Signed.

And that I could come and take whatever items I wanted from the house, as Darrell and I moved into our new home.

It made me chuckle because that was how he was. Trying to do the sweet thing.

But it was unnecessary.

My life had moved forward and I didn’t want anything from the past to follow on.

Our chapter closed and that was the last time we spoke.

Darrell was facing his own challenges with his ex wife. She was being very difficult and trying to start a custody battle with him over Devon.

Even after she dropped him off!

I was furious but Darrell always told me not to stress.

One evening I heard him yelling on the phone to her

“…you just want Devon because Bella is being a better mother than you would ever be!

You gave him up! and now you want him back?!

No way… take me to court!

I will fight this with every bone in me! I can promise you that!”

When he came up to bed that night, I didn’t say a word.

I kissed his forehead and told him I loved him.

I knew it wasn’t the solution he sought but it was the best I had.

….

PLEASE DON’T FORGET TO SELECT MY NEXT SERIES BELOW.

….

A few days later, my life changed.

My status changed and my world began to orbit around another. My daughter and heart; Daisy.

I will never forget the pain and strength it took to arrive there.

Everything I had been through to that point was a precursor to where I needed to be.

Divorce, heartbreak, betrayal, restarting.

None of it came close to those moments when they asked me to push and I had past my limit of pushing.

But somehow as a mother, you dig deep.

Deeper.

Deeper than you have even gone.

You get lost in the love and life you bring that you forget the pain the world tries to make you see.

I fought for Daisy.

But I had fought for her before she was conceived.

This was Mfon’s child as well but she was all mine.

So here I was through all I stayed through, trying to hold my last marriage together.

I was about to start a family with a man who fathered a child with another and I was bringing a daughter that shared another father.

Life.

But it was my story and as I lay in that recovery room with Daisy in Ms. Tabitha’s hands, I was content.

Gathering my strength back, Darrell came up to me and sat next to me.

He leaned in and kissed my forehead as I forced a smile.

He smiled and then got serious as he said

“Bella, I am proud of you.

Through everything you have been through

You have been a rock

From every turn

And how life tried to make you stop

You conquered all

You are woman

My woman

A fighter and a warrior

A  beaming torch in dark world

You are a mother to these kids and to me

And I promise to love you like its the first time

I swear I will”

My eyes filled up.

I couldn’t say much but

“Darrell, I fucking love you”

He smiled and said

“Shhhh…we have kids now!

You can’t be using that kind of language”

I laughed.

A few minutes passed and then he said

“Oh babe, I noticed there was a huge purchase on the Chase credit card, was that you?”

I laughed even harder.

He smiled but looked surprised and then he said

“Whats funny babe?”

I continued to chuckle and then I stopped and said

“Let’s just say that someone’s ex wife will be receiving a huge delivery of expired baby food”

Still confused he said

“Who?”

I squeezed his hand and said

“Don’t worry my love. Don’t worry”

It clicked for him and he said

“Bella!

You are so petty!”

I smiled, shrugged and said

“At least, I’m still beautiful right?”

He nodded and leaned in for a kiss as he said

“Yes you are. Oh yes you are”

The End.

Bella is a story of triumph and glory. A thank you to women.

To those that stand firm and fight hard. For what they believe in and what is right.

There is a Bella in all of us. She went through so much. Life threw curve balls at her and she stayed strong. Think of your life, your 2016 and how many times you have falled but gotten back up. How many times did people do you wrong and expecte you to fail?
You are a fighter and a winner.

I wrote Bella for the women I know in my life that have been through one battle or another and those who are striving for better each day.
Your strength is life and life will favor you.
Never give up.
Be less petty.
And always happy.

Bella is my gift to you. Your true beauty is a gift to the world.

PLEASE COMMENT. 

~New series drops on Saturday! Do not miss it~

Follow @adewus4real

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

#SanmiSaturdays

© 2016 #WhatTheHeckMan

#WhatTheHeckMan · #WordsofWednesday · African · Art · Bloggers · Drama · Erotica · Fiction · Life · Nigerian Writers · Oakland · Poetry · Sex · Stories · TheRants · Uncategorized

Bella 3

bella-1

Part 3

“You stupid bastard!”

I yelled as Darrell held me back.

Mfon clutched his face as he recovered from the heat and shock that just slapped him.

I wanted to strangle him.

“You stupid piece of shit. You really had me out here crying over your sorry ass!”

I was spewing all sorts of curses on his head.

All I remember was being carried out of the restaurant.

My fingers were sticky from some of the coffee. I was dripping in rage as the once sweet syrup that soaked our love, now tasted like stale burnt bread.

As I waited for Darrell to come out of the now chaotic restaurant. The police showed up.

They walked right past us and into the restaurant. Darrell, came out and we got into the car.

He didn’t speed or anything.

He just drove.

We arrived back at the house and he turned off the engine.

Mine was still running-overdrive.

I was filled with so much anger.

It truly felt like I had been injected with a cocktail of emotions. At an alarming speed, my brain was combing through emotions.

He quietly exited the car and walked into the house.

I just sat there; thinking and scheming.

I wanted to get him back.

I wanted to make him pay. This man put his hands on me.

And left marks that scarred beyond the physical. There was a mixture of failure and a resolution to make him pay, in the worst ways.

I considered telling his family members and the entire Nigerian community.

If only I was truly that wicked but I knew I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

I almost felt cuffed by the institution. But I only had myself to blame.

After all, I went in there and asked them to join me to this worthless being.

I hated the church.

I hated my family.

Questioned my own instincts and suddenly I arrived at it; I blamed Bella.

I must have been in the car for a minute because when I walked in Darrell was asleep.

I headed straight for the shower after I placed my purse down.

The water was really hot. I lowered myself to the floor of the shower and just allowed the water to beat my skin.

Each drop burned but not as much as every memory that floated into my mind.

I really wanted to not think about him. I thought of the two years wasted.

Of all the things I put on hold for the betterment of this man.

I swear, I felt used.

My mind went back to our wedding night.

How handsome he looked in that tuxedo. How his smile lit up the room and tickled my pink.

How I couldn’t wait to be his wife. How I couldn’t wait to cook for him. Pray for and with him. Hold him up.

How I couldn’t wait for him to enter me in the worst ways. And then he threw it all away for someone else. Much less another man.

I started crying and I didn’t know I was loud until I heard Darrell come in.

He said,

“Babe, are you okay?”

I didn’t bother to stop crying.

He came in closer and said,

“Bella, are you okay?”

“I’m okay. I just want to be by myself”

I replied through water.

He stopped in his tracks and said,

“But Bella, I am here for you.”

I could feel his helplessness but I truly just wanted to be alone.

I heard him exit the bathroom.

The shower was not refreshing. I walked out feeling physically clean and emotionally soiled.

I dried myself off and walked into the room.

He was sitting upright in the dark on his phone. As I walked into the room, he placed his phone down and the room was pitch black except for the lighting from the DVR beneath the television.

I hit the light switch and the room lit up.

Standing by the bathroom door with a glum face, I opened my mouth and tried to speak but the words didn’t come out.

I could see the anticipation in his eyes, he wanted to know what he could do to fix it for me.

But there was no short fix.

I stood there and tried again.

This time the words came out.

“Darrell, I’m pregnant.”

His eyes grew big and he seemed excited for a brief second and then it vanished.

He then said,

“Is it mine?”

My head dropped.

I replied,

“No, its not.”

He got up and walked to me.

His arms provided the warmth and his heart the safety I needed. He wrapped them around me and kissed my forehead.

I wasn’t sure how things would play out but in that moment I felt safe.

……

The weeks slowly added up and I fully moved in to Darrell’s place. He was still shuttling between both cities and I would stay in the house when he was gone.

I was still in love with this man.

It was happening with each passing day.

I would find myself picking up the nuggets from my last experience and trying to apply them with Darrell.

He was so sweet and considerate. I could see him going the extra mile for me and wanting to take care of me.

My belly was growing and my anger towards Mfon was reducing.

I was feeling myself allowing him back in.

I really did not want to forgive but I could not hold my anger.

The days were long as I worked part time and mostly from home. I had too much time on my hands.

Mfon would call and try to explain himself. Our families also wouldn’t take their foot off the gas.

Everyone wanted me to forgive him for the sake of the baby.

You see my view was that I had always hesitated around bringing a baby into the world. And now I was going through with it, with a man I could not trust. So I had to be sure, I protected my child and most importantly my own life.

One evening, I was in the worst of moods.

In limbo, I hated where I was. Mid divorce, pregnant and living in the house of another man.

I think when I envisioned my life as a woman, none of those things came to mind as possibilities.

So I felt unfulfilled and behind schedule. Angry at myself and some of the decisions that got me there.

I was in my feelings as Darrell returned from a long shift.

In my mind, I knew that it was the best time for the kind of conversation I was about to start with him. But somewhere in there, I needed that validation. I needed to hear him say the things I wanted to hear.

“How was your day?”

I asked him as he unbuttoned his shirt.

Without looking at me, he replied,

“It was good. Just really long”

I went quiet for a bit and then I said,

“I was thinking today…what are we doing here?”

He glanced at me and said,

“What do you mean?”

“I just want to know what we are doing here. This baby, getting the divorce, living with you. I just want to know. What are your plans?

Why am I here?”

He looked confused as he slid on his shorts. He said,

“We have talked about this before and I think you know my intentions. So why is this coming up?”

I scoffed and said,

“You know what, never mind.”

He growled in frustration and said,

“Bella, you know thats mad annoying. Can you please just tell me whats going on?”

I knew I had him. But I couldn’t just bring myself to speak up then.

“Darrell its nothing really”

He was trying so hard to not lose his cool. He sighed as he came and sat next to me.

He asked me again,

“Bella, if something is the matter, can you lets just talk about it now.

There is no reason to start something and then say nothing.”

I still didn’t respond.

He waited a few minutes and then he sighed really loudly and got up.

As he was about to talk, I spoke,

“So what am I to you?

This version of a wife in your home. Am I just here so you can feel good about yourself?

Do you even care about me?… Like wtf happens when this baby comes?

You’ll just be over me”

I looked at his face as I stopped talking. Shock, anger, disappointment and disgust all mixed in one.

He took a step back and said,

“Bella, are you fucking serious right now?”

I looked away. He didn’t say much after that.

“Bella, you know better and you are just wrong for all that. I have nothing to say.

I’ll sleep in the other room.”

He exited the room and I think that sent me over the edge.

Now I was so angry at myself because I didn’t get what I wanted and there was no hope of me getting it.

I cried that night as I felt empty.

He never left that room all night.

The next morning, he was gone before I woke up.

I went into the room, hoping to apologize and he wasn’t there.

I tried to go about my day, hoping to apologize for my childish behavior later that night.

So when I heard a knock on the door around midday, I was nervously excited. I thought he had come back from work early and we were going to squash things.

I made my way to the door and opened it up without looking through the peephole and there he was.

Mfon.

….

“Mfon, what are you doing here?”

I was surprised and certainly taken aback.

He tried to smile.

“I had to see you, Bella”

He replied.

“How did you get this address?”

I asked,

“I just asked the right questions. Can I come in?”

I replied with a sharp,

“No”

He nodded and continued,

“Well I just wanted to let you know that I want your forgiveness and I am willing to work for it.

But more importantly, I am not letting go. I want to be in the life of my child, so I will do everything possible”

I nodded and said,

“I have nothing against you being in the life of our child but I just want to be clear that we are over.

I would really appreciate if you just signed the papers and allowed the courts to do their job.

This whole year has been stressful enough. I just want to move on”

Still standing at the foot of the stairs, he looked up to me and said,

“I’m not signing those papers”

I couldn’t believe the words coming out of his mouth. I wanted to jump on him and bite his neck off.

“Are you fucking kidding me? After everything!

You better sign those papers or I will make your life a living hell Mfon, a living hell!”

I was fuming and yelling at the top of my lungs when I noticed Darrell’s car pulling up.

He parked in the driveway and hopped out.

Mfon turned and started to back away.

As he walked away, he said,

“I’ll be in touch”

Darrell walked past him as he nodded.

As he got close to me and said,

“What did he want?”

I turned around and walked into the house.

Darrell followed me in and said,

“Bella, are you okay?”

I turned and said,

“No!

No I’m not okay!

He’s not letting me move on”

Darrell moved closer to me and then he took my hand.

He looked down at me as I looked up to him and very softly, he said,

“Marry me”

I couldn’t believe the words. I stepped back and said,

“What?”

He didn’t bat an eye.

He repeated himself,

“Marry me Bella”

All I could think was WhatTheHeckMan.

…..

I was on a cloud.

In a different planet to be very honest.

The stars were beneath my toes and I felt so happy.

The way Darrell took care of me, ladies would understand. He checked the boxes and I could see a great father in him.

The lawyers were doing their work and the divorce process was nearing a close.

We had started looking at homes in the area and preparing for our next chapter.

Everything was falling in place.

I was returning from the grocery store that Sunday evening. As I emptied the trunk and I was taking the groceries into the house, a car pulled up and an older woman came out.

She stopped me and said,

“You must be Bella”

I nodded and said,

“Yes and you are?”

She smiled and said,

“My name is Tabitha and I am Darrell’s mother.”

I felt a twitch. I had heard so much about her and I was very sad that we hadn’t properly met.

“Oh my God!

It’s so nice to meet you ma. Come in!”

She smiled really big and took in my hug before pulling away and becoming very serious.

She looked at me and said,

“So are you ready to be a mother?”

I smiled and nodded as I said,

“Yes ma. I am excited”

She shook her head and then pointed to the back seat of the car she had just exited. Then she said,

“Not to the baby inside of you. A mother to that child.

Darrell’s son”

She looked at me and I looked at her.

No words were said but there was something deep I felt.

Oh Lord, say it with me y’all What The Bloody Heck Man!

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