I could hear the ringing from the gun shots in my ears.
My hands were shaking but my shots were clean.
He was dead
There was blood everywhere. Dripping out his chest and the side of his head.
The was a release
The tension in my body seeming to transfer into the metal in my right hand.
I kept my eyes on him, life had departed from him.
I wasn’t angry but there was a bit of a sadness in my heart muddled between all the other feelings.
But it was the right thing to do.
I started heading back to the club.
Some minute later, I pulled back into the back of the strip club.
Walking out of the car, there was a woman I had never seen before standing by the door.
I walked past her into the building like a zombie.
I could still hear the ringing from the gunshots in my head.
It was brighter than when I had remembered from few hours earlier.
The sun was reflecting on all the mirrors and there was some music playing as I noticed the bartender cleaning the counter to my left.
The man I had met earlier was not there.
I stopped in the middle of the club and turned around in place.
I moved a few steps closer to the bartender and said
“Where are the men from earlier?”
He didn’t even look up. The white towel in his hand making a circular motion as he cleaned away.
I moved closer and said
“Excuse me, where are the men from earlier?
I need to talk to them”
He looked up at me and with no expression on his face, he said
“Place the envelope they gave you on the counter and go home.
They’ll be in touch”
I looked at the envelope in my right hand and I slowly walked over to the counter.
I placed it down.
I looked at the man. He stared back at me and still with no expression, he went back to cleaning to the counter.
One more scan of the room and then I headed out of the building. The sun shinning bright as the Arizona heat smacked my face.
As I walked outside, I noticed Hazim.
He was on the phone as he spotted me, he ended the call and walked over to me.
His first words as he smiled were
“How are you feeling?”
I looked up at him, shielding my eyes from the sun with my left hand, I said
“I’m not really sure”
He came over to me and said
“You’ll be fine. Just go home and rest”
as he rubbed my bag and guided me towards his car.
I wasn’t sure I was going to be fine.
We walked towards his car parked by the roadside and I got in.
The whole ride home, I kept thinking to myself
“What is going on?
Who have I become?
Why did I shoot that man?”
I turned to my left as we entered the highway and asked
“Hazim, why are you always driving me around and there whenever something happens but you don’t tell me why”
He smiled and said
“My job is to be there as needed.
The moment you don’t need me anymore, I will not be here”
“What does that mean though?”
I asked, still confused
He again smiled and said
“Not everything makes sense now but trust me it will”
I turned and stared out the window to my right and just wondered about what was going on.
I was now a passenger in my life and I couldn’t understand anything.
A part of me wanted to shout and rage for answers but a huge part of me kept thinking What The Heck Man.
I was tired and sleepy
But I needed to shower.
I sat in the tub as the water from the shower head sprayed down all over my body. I couldn’t decide how I wanted to feel.
I just closed my eyes and sat there for some time.
When I left the shower, I heard a knock on the door.
I quickly put my clothes on and rushed to the door as fast as I could.
There was no on there as I looked through the peephole, so I opened the door and at my feet, there was a medium sized black box and it was addressed to “Anita”
I walked back into my apartment and sat down on the floor in front of the couch.
I ripped open the box and it was filled with papers.
Lots of papers.
It only took me a few minutes to realize that these were my journal entries from a dark period of my life.
I thought to myself, maybe I would read these and find some answers or something to go by in there.
Some of the entires read…
“My name is Anita Walker.
I am 14 years old. I go to school at West May High school.
I miss my friends, my teachers and my Lucile, my cat.
They told me that I have to come here because they are trying to help me. I am not sure why.
But they let me watch my shows whenever I can, so that makes me feel better.
I miss home but at the same time, I don’t miss home.
Home is not safe.
I want protection and the people here have promised to protect me.
I don’t believe them really because mother promised to protect me. She lied.
I miss mother too.
I wonder what she’s doing
This people haven’t told me when I am leaving here but we shall see.
I wish I had my cat right now”
“I made a new friend today.
His name is Hazim. He is from Sudan.
He is so strong. He helped me push the table to the wall, so I can sit down and look outside the window and see the birds and the trees.
I have been here for 52days.
I am always sleeping
I don’t like the medicine they give me because it makes me tired and sleepy.
There are a lot of books here and finally I have someone to talk to in Hazim.
Hazel tells me about war and Africa.
I want to go to Africa.
My dad went to Africa when he was younger. I want to be a soldier like my dad when I grow up so I can travel places too but my dad is gone.
I still want to be a soldier though.
But I don’t want to kill people. Unless they hurt other people”
“Today was hard.
I have been hiding my meds for a few days. When they give it to me, I hide it inside my throat and then I vomit it out.
The drugs are bad.
They are the alter my mental state. I know it.
That is why we are here.They think we are crazy. So they give us meds and let us sleep and move around like zombies.
But not anymore.
Today we talked about them
The ones that took advantage of me.
I remembered the feeling. The feeling that I had drowned so deep inside of me
I hate that therapist and I hate group.
They ask too many questions and they want you to talk about your life.
I mean what is that going to change.
It’s not going to change that I was raped.
I am tired.
And I miss food. Good food.
I am craving some Nandos right now. Well I have been craving for a few days but I know I won’t get it in here.
It’s okay tho. They keep saying I will leave soon.
But it’s day 93.”
“I hate today.
They told me I have a condition. And it is because of the trauma I have been through and my father dying. They don’t know the story.
They only care about half of it.
They have labelled me.
I dont even feel like myself anymore. I am so tired of everything,
I want to die.”
“I am joining the government.
A man came today with some documents and told me that if I work for the government, my file will be sealed and I will be free to go.
I have to get out of here.
I feel like with each day, this place is making me crazy.
Hazim always seems to only come when something bad has happened.
But he is always there to talk.
I think I am excited because I get to be like my dad.
But I am also nervous because I know it will be a lot of training.
Hopefully they pick me”
“I am leaving tomorrow.
I will miss some of the people here. But I am leaving.
And I am leaving my past behind.
Today is my birthday.
Today, I find a new me”
There were hundreds of entries like that.
As I read them, I could feel my mind flashing back.
Back to those nights.
Those late nights at home when I just needed someone to help me.
These were the answers I was looking for but I couldn’t connect the dots.
I was sweating as I sat there staring at the papers in my hands.
My palms were sweaty as I flipped through the pages and then I saw it.
The one I had written before I was taken away
I went to the clinic today
The asked if I spoke to you
I told them it was just rough
But I’m bleeding more and more
My body is fine
Or at least it usually is after a couple of days
My heart is sore
He comes in around 1
Right after family feud rerun
You’re passed out on the futon
He leaves the television on
No need as I don’t scream anymore
I used to plan to run
But he’s so strong
My mind is numb to the pain
It only lasts about a few minutes anyway
And then he leaves
But then so do you
When I look at you
I’m constantly having to ask
“Who are you?”
My friends don’t feel what I feel
They have different struggles
But is this real?
Feeling powerless in my own home
You are supposed to be my rock
But even when you’re home
You’re never there
In love with a man that breaks me
And a bottle that rapes you
I know you had your own problems
But why did you bring me into this world
To be a part of this mess
My dad I can’t call
Because he’s gone
Aunty Sally answers her phone
But she barely knows me
I haven’t seen Nana since my 12th birthday party
It’s just sad and
Living in a home
With a family I can’t call my own
It’s 12:51 and I know he’s coming soon
I just hope by one
These pills will have kicked in
I’m leaving and not coming back
I just needed to let you know
I used your glass”
That sent shivers down my spine and there were tears in my eyes.
I couldn’t stop crying.
I could feel the pain again like the first day.
His cold hands all over my body.
The lust in his eyes.
I could taste the garlic on his lips as he forced them on mine.
I could feel the power leaving me as it did every night back then.
I could feel.
My eyes were flooding and then I heard a knock on the door.
A few seconds later, someone knocked again.
A slowly I got up.
I wiped my tears and approached the door.
I slowly opened it and standing right there was my mother.
My mouth dropped as the tears stopped and she said
We both just stood there.
I was staring at her and she said nothing.
She didn’t ask to come in and I would eventually see why.
She broke the silence as she said
I swallowed and straightened myself and before I could respond.
Two FBI agents entered the room
“Afternoon Miss Anita, you’re under arrest for the murders of ……”
He mentioned two names I hadn’t heard before.
I immediately thought about the box.
Out of nowhere I began to scream!
There was initially a startled look on the faces of the agents but I screamed louder!
And then more men filled the room
I knew what was going to happen and I wasn’t going to let them have me
I tried to dart for the door
But they sealed it off!
I screamed some more and then I ran into the kitchen, I was about to pull out a knife when one of the agents bear hugged me from behind.
He quickly lowered me to the floor and then they swarmed me.
I wouldn’t stop screaming
“I didn’t do it!
i didn’t do it. Let me goooooooooooo!”
“Please let me go!!!
Fucking let me goooooooooooooooo!”
The men pinned me down. Those menacing looks in their eyes as my behavior probably terrified them.
They lifted me onto the gurney and put the straps on my arms and legs. One shot to my arm and my eyes got dreamy.
I looked over to my mother who was standing in the corner crying and I said
“I hate you”
And then it all went dark.
Please leave me a comment or two…
Part 4. Well, BE PREPARED.
Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated.
Part 4 ON OR BEFORE Saturday.
© 2015 #WhatTheHeckMan