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Pains 4

Pains 4

CDq09XfUUAAIcrZ

[audio m4a=”https://adewus4real.files.wordpress.com/2015/04/07-society.m4a”

Society by Asa

 

“Tolani, I swear I feel like it’s going to be a boy because God is trying to get me or something. Like why would I get pregnant now?

Like I’m so not ready”

I complained to Tolani.

She chewed on her frozen yogurt and said

“So please tell me o, what are you going to do?

Abort?”

I lifted a dress up to the light in the store and said

“Tolani, you know I can’t do that but I really don’t like this feeling. Like I always thought that having my first child would be such a happy experience for me but I’m scared or like somewhat hesitant.”

She took the dress from me and said

“Do they have this in blue? It would be dope but…

Truth be told, what’s really up?

Is it having the kid with Dele or something? Or out of wedlock maybe?”

I replied as I flipped through dresses on the rack

“Nah, I think it’s just the whole royalty thing and the comment my grandfather made years ago about me having a heir.

Dele will be a great dad I know it.

I just don’t know if I want to bring a child into all that mess- the politics and power”

Tolani got it. She said

“Yeah…. That can be rough but you have Dele and your dad. Well and me, I can kick some royal ass if you want me to!

You already know me”

We both laughed as we moved into another section.

She said from behind me and caused me to turn around

“Babes, you gotta tell Dele. It’s already been a week.

This can’t be something you keep away from him for too long.”

 

“I know…. I know….

I’ll tell him soon. I just need to figure out the best way”

I replied.

I heard babies changed men as they did women but in a different way. I hoped it would affect Dele positively and not push him away.

…….

I felt like I had been cooking for a while; every minute an eternity as I plated the last bit of the chicken.

A few minutes later, Dele arrived home.

I was so nervous.

He greeted me and was ready to dig into the meal when I asked

“Dele, what if I wanted kids right now?”

He stopped and looked at me and said

“You wouldn’t want to get married first?

I thought you always wanted to get married first?”

I continued to walk as I reached for the glass of wine and poured him a glass

“Yes, I do but I guess I have just been having a lot of baby fever lately and I wanted to know what you thought”

He sat back and rubbed his thighs as he said

“You know I’m here with you babe. I’m ready when you are.”

I smiled and said

“Okay baby”

We began to eat when he took a big gulp from his glass. He glanced over to me and said

“Can you pass me the bottle babe?”

I passed the bottle over to him and then he said

“Wait, you’re not drinking?”

A huge smile covered my face even as I tried to hide it.

He pushed his seat back and said

“Bola?!

Are we?!!!”

I nodded and he got up and swooped me off the ground!

He whisked me into the air and began singing

Sunny Nneji’s “Somebody’s On The Way” to my amazement. I was so happy he was happy.

I could see in his eyes that he was glad.

He finally set me down and he said

“I am going to love the two of you with everything I have in me”

I smiled and kissed his as I said

“I know baby. I know”

To say I was treated like an egg is an understatement. Breakfast in bed, foot rubs, long gentle shower ‘wash-downs’ as he called them even from the first trimester!

Dele was all action.

Most importantly, I was sure he would protect our son, and me if I had a boy. He was always so comforting and he normalized my fears without making me feel irrational or overbearing.

It was no surprise when in collaboration with my father and my grandfather; they decided to fly me to the United States to be comfortable before delivery.

Tolani was kind enough to come along for the duration of my pregnancy.

Things were going smoothly and Dele visited to check on me every 5 weeks for a few days before returning to work.

On one of his trips and told me that my grandfather was ill and asked that I come home to see him.

I was about 8 months into my pregnancy.

Dele was very direct with his response.

“I told the king with all due respect that you weren’t coming home until you delivered and fully recovered”

I swear, I just kept my mouth shut.
He made the call and we all obeyed.

But it was becoming increasingly hard. My grandfather’s health was deteriorating fast and I was scared I would lose him before I could get back home.

…..

Flying to Nigeria has to be one of the most “unique” experiences anyone can have.

First class or not, flying with Nigerians is always and interesting experience.

The noises, the accents, the blatant disregard for certain instructions; the people are unique.

The flight was smooth but I felt uneasiness within me.

I think that must have been why I felt so sick as I got off the plane.

The heat that smacks you in the face once you step out of the Murtala Muhammed airport, is almost easiest explained by the analogy of a shower.

Imagine you’re midway through a cold shower and suddenly the water goes to the hottest.

Yes. That’s exactly how it felt.

 

The convoy waited as I stepped outside the airport with my father.

Our bags tucked away in the car behind us, we set out on the highway.

There was a mixture of excitement and an uncomfortable worry whenever we headed to my hometown.

I was always pleased to be with my people but I also knew that our people could very easily become volatile if the situation turned.

I was really tired and I fell asleep before we exited Lagos. I awoke as we pulled into the outskirts of the town.

People at the major bus stop would chase after the convoy as they knew it belonged to the Royal family.

 

We got into the palace and slowly climbed out of the vehicles and flooded into the house.

Susan, my trusted confidant on the local issues, was standing right next to me.

I noticed very quickly that the house was filled with my uncles.
Curtseying, I greeted them and headed into my grandfather’s bedroom. We filled the room and surrounded his bed.

My grandfather’s right hand man and adviser for almost 45years began to speak

“Oba Akintola III, would like to thank you all for making the time to be here. He has taken a lot of thought into your schedule and is grateful you honored him and the God’s by being here today.

For some of you, this meeting will shed more light on the recent developments but the King will like it to be known that even though as individuals, we may not get what we want, we are a family. He wanted….”

I cut to my father standing next to me and I whispered

“Why isn’t he speaking for himself?”

I knew my grandfather had been sick but I didn’t know that he couldn’t speak for himself. Was it really that bad?

“The lung cancer has been aggressive in the last few weeks, he hasn’t spoken in about 3 weeks”

My father whispered back to me.

I was surprised and even more concerned for my grandfather.

“…… the King would like me to express very briefly, his vision for the people and the family as a whole”

His adviser Baba Siraju continued.

“First, on the distribution of his assets in his demise. Kabeyesi (the King) believes the gods have spoken and finally approved his departure from the land of mortals.

So here is the breakdown…”

Everyone was glued to the man as he spoke. You could watch the emotions rise and dip as his lips parted.
There was so much tension in the room. My grandfather kept his eyes closed while occasionally blinking to let us know that he was awake and still listening.

The properties and other assets were somewhat distributed to everyone’s satisfaction as no fights had broken out.

A few heaves and sighs but everyone seemed relatively happy with the way things were developing.

Then the man paused, he leaned next to my grandfather and whispered something in his ear. My grandfather was silent and motionless for a second and then he nodded in approval.

The man stood up, straightened his attire and asked that everyone leave the room except my uncles, my dad and lastly myself.

There was confusion on the faces of my uncles as some questioned why I was allowed to stay in the room.

“Why is she here?”

One of my uncles asked with his voice filled with disgust.

I stood firmly next to my father without moving my head. I was not the Bola of days or even months before.

I was a mother. A fighter.

I was a leader.

My grandfather’s adviser began to speak once more as he said

“The King and the council over the last few months have deliberated and discussed the prospect of continued leader ship after the King’s passing. After many years of peaceful ruling, it is important that we as a people transition power in the most organized, formidable and peaceful manner.

Therefore, with the approval of the gods and the people, the King has decided that Adebola should be in power till her son, Oyekanmi, is groomed and ready to lead”

The noise in that room cannot be replicated again.

Some of my uncles broke out in insidious laughter while the oldest yelled.

“Never!”

I could feel the anger in their eyes.

I understood it but surprisingly, I was unmoved.

My father continued to glance over at me to make sure I wasn’t afraid but I stood unshaken.
It was in that moment, I understood why he had picked me.
That same calm I always envied in my mother was on display to full effect. It somehow felt in my head that I was saying “there is none of you men, I cannot take”.

“Who is she?
She is a child! What does she know about leading our people?

We are the hub of this region, she cannot lead us. She doesn’t have the experience”

“A woman?

A woman has never led our people. She cannot lead us?”

“Women have no place on the throne, even our own mother never came close”

These were some of the “nicer” things that were being said by my uncles as my grandfather’s adviser tried to gain calm in the room.

“Let us respect the King and the decision of the gods…”

He said and then suddenly, to the surprise of every soul in the room, my grandfather yelled out

“Silence!!!”

The room went dead silent.

It felt as if the palace was shaken to its foundation.

You could hear the breathing of various people in the room.

My grandfather slowly sat up, cleared his throat and said

“There has never been a better time to have a female leader.

First I want to clarify that I do not need the permission of any of you to make decisions that affect the well being of our people.

To be fair to some of you, you may be hanging on to tradition but here is the truth… as the leader of the people, it is my job to put their needs first.

None of you have offended me or proven that you cannot be worthy leaders….but the fact remains that I should chose the most suitable leader for our people”

He looked around the room and then set his eyes on me before continuing

 

“Bola is the right choice.

You see, all of you have searched and honed your skills for power. Wanting it more than most especially the outsiders but here I present to you the calmest head.

The wisdom her mother displayed, she has impacted in this young woman.

To some of you who have claimed she is too young or that she is a woman, I understand your concerns but now I counter you by saying; she is the youngest ruler with the most complete support system in all of you.

The people will not expect this change and some of you will claim our traditions should not be changed. I agree to an extent.

But what is tradition if it doesn’t benefit the people.
There are changes brooding in our neighboring areas. They will be looking for unity.

They will be looking to you to unify us.

All of you in this room are law makers. All of you in this room are leaders and my legacy is in your hand.

Putting Adebola in power is aim no disrespect to any of you but to highlight the changing times and the need for us as a family to stay ahead.

Your older sister was a nurturer and you can all testify that those same traits are in Adebola standing right there

Even better, she understands what if takes to nurture a people as she will her son. Bola has the right to rule by the power vested in me by the gods and she can pass on power to her son when he is ready.

Today, we shake the foundations of our town and we invite the power of the people that gave us life.

It is your duty as a people to support and obey her decisions. Or you will face the consequences of the gods.

This is a family and she will be the face for us.”

 

There were no words said as my grandfather leaned back in his bed and cleared his throat again.

One after the other, people bowed and left the room till my oldest uncle, my grandfather’s adviser, my father and I remained.
My father bowed and left the room.

My grandfather motioned at my uncle and I to come closer.

My uncle came and sat to my grandfather’s right side and I sat to his left on the bed.

He held my uncles hand and he leaned forward, my grandfather kissed him on his forehead and said

 

“You are my first son and you gave me joy as a man to know I would live with a son.

You have no idea how difficult this decision was for me but it is the right one.

I pray that you will be the man I know you to be and lead with Bola.

She is your daughter as much as she is the daughter of the people.

Any enemies she has are your enemies, any goals she has are your goals. Her blood is your blood.

You are a wise man.

Be another father to her”

My grandfather turned over to me and said

“Kneel down”

I got off the bed and knelt down.

With the help of his adviser and my uncle, my grandfather sat up on the side of the bed.

He leaned down and kissed my forehead as he held it in his hands.

He began to pray for me but these words stood out the most to me and I have never forgotten them

“….. Adebola, your strength is in your ability to adapt.
A leader will and must learn to adapt to the climate and ensure the best care is provided to the people that are being led.

May will come for you. Many will attempt to pull you down but you are greater than any of the negativity.
Yesterday, you were a mother. Today, you are the mother of the people.

It is your responsibility to be great. Never give up on those you love.

And remember that your mother and I always love you and we are watching over you”

 

I was swollen in my heart.
I didn’t have the words but I just got up and hugged him really tight.

He was weak but I could feel him holding me as tight as tight as he could.

I whispered in his ears

“I love you Grandpa”

He smiled and said

“I love you more”

I turned around and quietly left the room followed closely behind by uncle. I heard my grandfather say what I presume were his final words to his adviser

“With every breath in you, protect her”

I stepped into the hallway to an expectant crowd of people.

They looked eager to find out what had happened.

So many eyes were on me and for the first time I was actually nervous.

I think my father could sense it as he walked up to me. He hugged me and said

“What did he say to you?”

In the middle of the hug, I replied as the tears now streamed down my cheeks.

“He said he loves me”

This time it felt good to cry.

……

I was sitting in the waiting room when my father walked out.

Tolani was sitting next to me as she rubbed he belly and chowed down on ice.
Trust me, I still wonder till this day why that was her pregnancy craving.

She was pregnant with her third and I was ready to be an aunt all over again.

Abike, walked out of her room and invited me in.

It was dimly lit.

Most of the lighting was coming from the computer screens; I sat down in my seat and placed my handbag on the floor.

I placed the headphones on my ears as Abike cued me and my father watched from the other side of the glass

“Good morning, ladies and gentlemen, beautiful people of Lagos state. Welcome to a very special episode of The Drive.

Today, we have a very special guest in the studio with us as we discuss that which is great about our country and it’s people.

Celebrating 10years in power as the first ruling female leader in the Western region of Nigeria; it is Arewa Adebola Musendiku”

Abike smiled at me as I responded

“Thank you. Thank you for having me.”

She continued and said

“So 10 years huh?

How has it been? Would you have every thought?”

I shook my head as I responded

“I ask myself that question everyday how it has gone so long but I would like to think it has been because God ordained it and the people that love us, have supported us.

And of course my support team which is bigger than any gift I could have been given. From my son, to my husband, my father… Who is smiling on the other side of the glass by the way. My uncles who have formed the most formidable team around me, I am blessed.

I truly never expected to be here or this far today but God gave it to me and I am very grateful”

Abike smiled again and asked

“So to be a female leader must be hard. So what has been the most difficult part of your job?”

I giggled and I replied

“Probably being a mother but not a mother to just my son but also over a hundred thousand people. That is challenging but to be very honest with you, the most difficult part of this all is tomorrow.

It is in knowing that no matter how great today was, it is my personal responsibility to make tomorrow better.

That, is the most challenging part of the job and also the most exciting”

The next question came

“So there has always been word that your son will someday when old enough, take over from you. How is he doing in readiness to being a King someday and what advice do you give to him?”

I sighed and I said

“to be honest with you, I just let the boy be 10.
he loves running around the house with his sister, he loves video games, playing with our dogs and a lot of soccer like his father. I want him to enjoy that as much as possible.

We really don’t talk about the royalty thing that much. But that being said my biggest advice to my son and to anyone out there is the same.

I try to protect him from pain and the struggles of the world but the truth is, with life comes up and downs.

Pain and pleasure.

But it is important to always remember that every experience is just a chapter in our lives and it is up to us to channel that energy however we want”

I walked out of that interview at the end of the show and I had my father and Abike happily together on one end. Dele and Sadiq in conversation while my son, Olugbohunmi, ran around with Tolani’s oldest son; Jalil.

My heart was filled with joy.
I had known and seen pains but nothing could take away the joy in my heart.

 

-My Heart has been heavy lately because I have felt like #WhatTheHeckMan hit a block. Like “We All Got Comfortable”. Sigh.
The “Regulars” are not commenting as often. New readers are not coming from people sharing. I’ve just kinda been like “mehhhhhh”.
I guess y’all can help by commenting, retweeting and just sending the link out to your friends. I have been led to believe by you all that the stories are good, so please share them. (Twitter, Facebook, Snapchat, Edo Girls meeting, Instagram) DO ITTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!! And don’t just assume that cos some people comment, I don’t want to see yours. Comment and I promise to reply to all. Also subscribe to the blog, so you get the stories directly.
Let more people experience them. All of your help grows my art. 
I appreciate you all more than you’ll ever know. And that’s real.

 

From the Heart of The Wordsmith,

Pains are a part of life.

Sometimes you don’t even control how they come to you.

One thing you can control is your response to them and how you let them affect you.

Recently, someone asked me why in my stories, I love to have women “in power”. Well I had been doing it unconsciously till now, this series, I wanted you to see a woman in power and it didn’t even have to be literal.

A lot of you have lived with people, been in difficult situations. Had your backs against the wall, been kicked out of school, failed, been heartbroken. Lied to, taken advantage of, told at jobs that you weren’t good enough or didn’t deserve to be there.

Expected to be less either because you were a woman or people were just scared to let change occur.

Tonight, Pains is for you.

But to validate you. To honor your journey, struggle, passion and sacrifice for all you love.

So from the street of Tottenham to the bar in Houston or the Keke Napep in Oworonshoki; I want you to understand your pain.

Understand it as a challenge; force it with prayer, passion and power to succumb to you.

Do not be a victim to your pains, your hurt, you regrets.

I encourage you to challenge yourself today more than you did yesterday.

I particularly dedicate this series to one of the hardest fighters I know.

You don’t even recognize half of what you went through till I point it out to you but this past weekend, you reminded me of what it feels like to never give up.

I thank you for being amazing and taking control of your destiny.

This is for you.

This is for every woman fighting.

This is for every one praying.

This is for me.

This is for us.

Till we read again, it is in fact the one and only #WhatTheHeckMan

 

 

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Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

Lookout for new material next week.

© 2015 #WhatTheHeckMan

Uncategorized

This Man

The Truth

File Apr 23, 12 28 34 AM

I am The Wordsmith and this is. #WordsOfWednesday

I’m sitting in my car and I’m just thinking

“Man!!!”

How did I get here???

I’m just going to continue writing 

This is what I know how to do best

This is not a poem

This is not a blurb

These are my realest thoughts

The ones that I often want to share with no one

……

I was privileged to read the other day

A new book that drifted my way

From class

It opened my eyes and took me back to the start

The way it was back then

Often times I use mental health as an excuse 

But on the real

The tears in my eyes have come from years of abuse

…….

Never underestimate the power you hold over a growing heart

My cousins and their neighbors

Contributed to the a huge dent in self esteem 

There I was handsome on many accounts

But shallow within

I found myself grasping for fake and empty gratifications

Trying to tell myself that I am truly worth it

But not believing it

I was laughed at cos all I listened to was Yoruba music

While my cousins in Lagos quoted rhymes from the West Coast District

……

Advantage them

In my own home I would become a slave that had to serve

To get love

But I could tell no one

Now I’m in tears

My parents should know the truth

But I can’t even tell what’s true

That I truly hate myself or that I should no longer be a victim to the pains from my youth 

…….

Bullied

By men who want to come on Twitter and claim

That it was all bants

But I remember those late nights 

Where I was so terrified, my balls deserted my pants 

You held me up to beat me

But in that act

You continued to bury me

My confidence and hope

You took away from me

Now you want to come and retweet me

And I can’t cry about it

Because today

We only sacrifice the victim

……

She was great

In every single way

We got fat together

But it was safe

We thought our hearts would never break

But life came in the form of a mother

And I ran like a coward

I didn’t know better

I didn’t know to fight for what was right

No

I ran

Filled her eyes with tears

And scarred her heart 

…….

Three years on

I wonder 

Sleepless nights 

Heart filled with bother

I can’t love another

Continuously

I ask myself 

If I will ever be ready to love

But how can I love you when I don’t love myself

I hate myself

I hate that you love me

Crippled by the fears that I will fail you

Like my father did me

……..

In my twenties

I’m learning lessons I should have learned early

I want to thank you for loving me

I want to appreciate you for sticking with me

But everyone that have loved me has always wanted something from me

So what do you want from me?

You want to own me

Make me yours

Your own trophy?

This is me

Scarred

Broken

Hopeful

Scared

Unable to appreciate you

Unable to appreciate love

The familiar comfort is the tears streaming down my face

I am going to have a headache

But in my bed 

Alone

I will feel safe

My head throbbing in my own space

…….

I don’t want to love you

Because I feel I will hurt you

Again

Like I did yesterday

When I promised I would call you back

But I couldn’t bring myself to dial again

I stared at the phone

My brain going insane

My heart knowing that if you left

I will never be the same

But all I have ever known is pain

From the first day she said do it my way

To when they told me to shut up and not cry again

I always say

No one can ever quantify my pain

But the truth is 

Our scars are not the same

……

In my suits 

I exude class and swag

But behind me is a huge bag

Field with my rags of emotions

The tatters I have come to love

The ones I really see myself in

The women want to love me

But I don’t want you to love

I just want to love me

The only time I feel happy is when I pray

But sometimes I feel like I fall away from him each day

I need his light

Brighter to see the way

But what can I say

I might have been doing it blindly my own way

……..

I am not a victim

I am story

Untold

So it’s burning within me

I am a survivor

A hopeful

A generation

But I’m bleeding

I want to get help

But people need me

Or so I think

I externalize

I love far away

So you can’t come into my heart and see me when I’m about to break

I don’t have the answers

But nobody is asking the right questions

I am lost

Within myself

And I paid a blind woman to lead me to the hope 

But she left because she couldn’t cope

You have never hurt me

But I can’t believe that I won’t hurt you

And that haunts me

My love for you is real

My love for me is real

But I don’t know where it is

Or how it feels

That’s how’s it’s always been

The spotlight gets shined on me

And I freeze

……..

This is me talking

From my heart 

About the issues that have plagued me 

Arrested me

Owned me

Suppressed me

Defined me

I want to do right 

But I don’t want to at the same time

The price of love

True love holds more value than gold

It can turn a soul

And it gives life to the old 

In all of this

I want to thank you for loving me

What is that you asked

Can i love you?

Sigh

All I can say is 

Hopefully

And that is the truth really

It was the truth I was looking for when I started to write actually

I am Sanmi and this is the story.

Often times I just need space

Time away from the stimuli 

Moments to think

The process of believing loved can bring stress 

Even if loving is not stress itself

Everyone seems to want something from me

Even those that say they don’t want anything

Today I just wrote

Today I have cried.

Today I went into the archives

And I wondered why I hate me so much

I thought I loved me

But I realized that I never truly applied love to me

True love to myself, true love of myself

I have asked myself why I entertain certain people.

Women to be specific.

I know they can’t love me the way I need to be loved

But I still allow them to stay close by. There are people who want me as a trophy. To say, I got him.

And there are some that genuinely love me but none of them can have me.

I am not ready.

I wake up hating me.

Hating life.

Needing to see your comments to fee alive.

I beg for your time, so I don’t drown in mine.

I am scared that I will miss out on real love. It’s staring me in the face but I swear I’m trying.

Trying to live and love again but it’s hard.

I don’t think I’m lovable.

There are those that want me for sex. Expressly said

And those that want me just so I can be their personal projects while they nurse me to health.

And I don’t even want myself. But there is also you, you helped nurse me back to health. Even though I hurt you in the first Place.

The power of the love you have for me sometimes scares me like what if I can never give back enough.

Ladies & Gentlemen, I am not entirely sure why I wrote this and why I am posting this.

But maybe you picked something you could relate to. Something that touched you.

I know it’s #WordsOfWednesday and you all look forward to reading something dope but this is me today. 

The true words from my heart

I am confident love is real because God is real.

But I don’t know how to feel.

The Truth is from the heart. 

My tears were from the heart.

My pain tore me apart

But I stand once more

Ready to play my part

Appreciating love will not be easy but I am open and actively trying.

Today, I’ve written because my heart said so. Today, I hope you find a way to speak to your truth.

I am The Wordsmith but these words are emotions. 

I love you all.

Thank you for loving me, even as I learn to love me more.

Comment if you would like to.

#WordsofWednesday · Art · Drama · Erotica · Fiction · Life · Oakland · Poetry · Uncategorized

Pains 3

Pains 3Embedded image permalink

Made For You by Niia

 

PLEASE CATCH UP ON PART 2 of the “PAINS” series first HERE 

Pains 2: http://wp.me/p3GjtC-ke via @adewus4real

 

The pages turn

Each new experience

Like a marker to denote that particular stage

The memories vary

Exploring you as a person

Pulling you here and there

Beyond range

Sometimes into a new phase

Love and loss

Your outcome can be unexpected

Like the outcome of a coin toss

But with each breath you build more

Love more

Want more

Pains will come forth

But your heart is your greatest asset

It is in there

You can truly understand your worth

And it is beautiful

 

-The Wordsmith

.     .     .     .     .

I just couldn’t sleep.

Dele was next to me snoring away while I just thought back. I couldn’t blame him.

It was 3 am and I had spent the better part of the night complaining to him and Tolani about the situation. Dele had comforted me but here I was awake again.

He told me that he would accompany me to speak with my father.

I couldn’t appreciate him enough but I just kept on thinking.

My dad was not the one to want to remarry.

Or so I thought.

I couldn’t help but think back to that night at the palace with my father and my aunt discussing.

I felt like my aunt had a hand in this whole thing.

Oh how I couldn’t stand her.

I remember when we returned to Lagos after my mother’s burial.

My father went back to work in full force.

And he asked me to go and live with my aunt.

His reasoning was that I needed to be around people that made me happy.

Because he invested so much time into his work, he didn’t want me to feel neglected.

So off to my aunt’s house in Ijegun I went.

I was only supposed to be there for the summer break but it was somehow extended.

Living with my aunt was hell.

My cousins were fine and a pleasure to be around but my aunt herself was annoying.

She would always pick on me and ask me to do things for her when she could have asked her maid or her children.

It’s hard to explain now but there was a time that I was so depressed because I lived with her.

Every time I tried to explain to my father, he would look at me like I was lying. But I knew what I was up against anyways, it would have been hard for anyone to believe that his sister was mistreating his princess.

I remember one evening that highlighted how much I hated her.

It was a Saturday and she had distributed the chores to us in the morning before she left.

Upon return, some of the work though completed, was not completed to her satisfaction.

So when we all went as a group to ask for money to go and see a movie, she blantantly said

“No”

I was fine with it because we somewhat deserved it. I went into my room and took a nap.
I woke up about an hour later and I came out of my room.

Everyone was gone, except my aunt.

“Aunty, where did they go?”

I asked

She looked at my from head to toe and said

“To the movies”

I was shocked and trying to wrap my head around how that happened and I said

“Aunty, how come, I really wanted to go”

She sat up and looked me dead in the eyes and said

“Do you think you deserve to go to the movies?

Come on go to your room and find something to do”

It hurt.

It really did.

And imagine, I had just woken up, so going back to sleep was almost impossible. I was furious.

I missed my mom and I just lay there, knowing that if she was alive, I would never have gone through all that.

I called my dad and he listened but I still stayed there.

This time around I was hoping he would listen and act.

…  …

We came to the studio where my dad was working to have lunch with him.

He had the food ordered in and we just sat there, going through small talk stuff.

And then I opened by saying

“Daddy, you know how much I love you.

But I am not sure about this you remarrying thing”

There was surprise written across his face.

He finally gathered himself to say

“Bola, how.. how.. how did you find out?”

I replied

“Daddy, is that what matters right now?

Why are you getting remarried?

Is this aunty’s doing?”

He was taken aback and he became defensive of her as he said

“No, no, no, no…

This has nothing to do with her.”

He sat up straight and said

“This is for me.

You are all I have but you will soon become all Dele has.

Your mother used to be all I had and God knows best but she now only resides in my heart.

I would have never thought that I would meet anyone to replace your mother. And I am not replacing her but this woman makes me happy.

And Bola, I need to be happy.”

I sighed as I could see the sincerity in his eyes.

He continued

“I actually wanted you to meet her first but I guess the word travels fast.

Bola, she makes me smile.

She cares about me. She respects me.

And I know she will adore you.

I am not looking for someone to be your mother, I am looking for someone to love me and be my partner as Dele is yours”

I understood him.

But I had to make sure that my selfishness was understood.

“Daddy, so you’re promising me that you are not trying to replace mummy?”

He smiled and got up.

He walked around the table and got down into a squatting position.

He held my hands and looked into my eyes and said

“Bola, It was always about you and your mom. I am not the star of the show but I never wanted to but I am getting older and I need love. You are the star of a family, but I am a forgotten man. Your mother was everything to me and you know she would not be replaced ever but I need to attempt to enjoy some facets of life without her.
You are my heart and I will like your blessing before I proceed but I want you to know that your mother will remain the greatest woman in my life because she gave me a legacy, she gave me love, she gave me happiness and most importantly, she gave me you.”

I couldn’t help but smile.

I burst out laughing after he said

“Excuse me ma, teacher… can I please get up?”

I nodded and he planted a kiss on my forehead.

He smiled and pressed a button on his intercom and said to his secetary

“Wumi, can you please ask Abike to join us in my office?”

He turned around and smiled.

I smiled and swiveled my seat as I said under my breath

“No babies sha.”

He said

“Huh?”

I gave Dele a high five as we laughed to my response

“Weef.. Weef… In the Lavest”

My dad stood there confused but more surprises were in store for all of us.

.   .   .     .   .

Most Sundays were the same. The mornings filled with lifted hands at church and the lifting hands from frying pans as you avoid the hot oil.
Sundays are synonymous with rice day, so plantains were an essential part of the process.

I was in the kitchen frying the plantain while Tolani was on the phone with her new boyfriend, Sadiq.

The whirlwind ride they were on was actually very cute to watch. It reminded me of when Dele and I first started dating. Well more accurately, when I first started to fall in love.

Every joke was funnier.

Butterflies everywhere.

It was actually very refreshing to see Tolani happy.

I put all the plantains in the basket to drain all the oil.

Dishing in the rice into the bowl as I led to the dining room to table the meal, I was actually thinking of a bottle of wine that I really liked.
I was hoping that Dele had remembered to buy some.

I placed the dishes on the table and I stood back up. I must have done it too fast because I began to feel nauseas.
I held my head for a second.

This had been happening frequently the last few weeks but I figured it was just work stress.

Today felt a bit off.

I walked into the living room to find my best friend cupcaking on the phone, and I said

“T-baby, you get any more of those nausea meds?”

She didn’t hear me the first time, so she said

“Sadiq, hold on”

She turned to me and said

“What did you say love?”

I motioned touching my head as I said

“Do you still have any more nausea meds?”

She said

“Oh yeah, they are in the meds bag on the counter over there”

Pointing to her cabinet in the dining area.

Then she followed up and said

“You okay?”

I stopped in my tracks and said

“I don’t know. I’ve been feeling off the last few weeks.
And just lightheaded but I think I just need to drink more water and sit down”

Tolani gave me a look and said

“You sure it’s not the work you’ve been getting”

I turned and said

“you know I haven’t seen my stuff, even though I switched to the water pills?”

Her eyebrows raised, she smirked and said

“You sure?

You might want to check that out”

I laughed and turned my head, now facing her, I lowered my voice and said

“I think I would know if I was pregnant”

so Sadiq on the phone wouldn’t hear

She scoffed and said

“Sha use the pregnancy test I the bathroom, in the bottom drawer to the right. Just to be sure”

I popped the pills and I placed the glass on the bathroom sink as my mind now began to race.

Dele and I had been having unprotected sex for some months now. And the entire world knows that birth control pills are not a 100%.

I picked up the stick and looked at it before I glanced at my phone, it had been 3 minutes.

I looked closely to the observation panel on the stick and it had two pink lines on it.

My heart dropped.

Tolani was right.

I looked at myself in the mirror and took in a deep breath.

I heard the car pull up, Dele and Sadiq had just arrived.

I stuffed the stick in between paper towels and I washed my hands. I fixed my hair and straightened out my clothes.

Stepping out of the bathroom, Tolani was standing about 5ft away and she came up to me.

She could tell from my face as she gave me a hug. She squeezed me tight and then said

“Are you going to tell him?”

I said

“No”

She looked at me and said

“Okay love”

Tolani opened the door and the guys greeted us,

Dele came up to me and said

“Hello my Queen”

as he gave me a big hug.

My heart slowed down. This was safe.

We felt safe in his hands.

COMMENT!!! 

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Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

Lookout for Part 4 of Pains next week.

© 2015 #WhatTheHeckMan

#WordsofWednesday · Art · Life · Poetry

Painkillers

Painkillers

 

It all started from me wanting to be your painkiller

Now you’ve got me over dosing on painkillers

The wounds you gave me cut deeper

Fuck it I think I might need a spiritual healer

You came into my heart with promise

You told me you would be different

But here I am

Getting drunk again

Trying to make memories of you

Distant

 

….

We were supposed to be great

It was the plan to dominate

But you never took the time

To appreciate

Me

You drove me to the point where I had to investigate

You started to come home late

We barely ate

Together

Slowly I drifted away

Telling myself

Why bother

 ….

 

No humble pie

Just pride

Like a hardened criminal

You ignored when I would cry

Telling me to stop

Forcing me to appreciate the shoes that you bought

You forgot me

The promises you made me

My heart was aching

Slowly I could feel it breaking

And it was you

This time it was you doing the orchestrating

 

….

Two steps apart

I initially waited for the walk sign

Then ignored the blinking warnings

Straight into moving traffic

I moved my life from static

I placed a bet on my happiness

I was tired of mediocre

Frustrated with all the sadness

I needed to be cared for

Loved and adored

But waiting for you to wake up

That was a luxury I couldn’t afford

….

 

It’s been

I’m not exactly sure how long it’s been

The mailman just left

And he reminded me of you

The way you initially were consistent

Showing up as your promised

You held me close

With a hot wet towel

You washed my wounds

Your sweet words helped me heal

Then you got bored

Drifted away from me

I could feel it

All the sadness that you were blind to see

Returned and consumed me

….

 

I became weak again

Now I can no longer feel

Yet I still think of you

You broke your promises

But holding on to you

I’m like a hoarder who can’t get rid of things

I so desperately wished you were the one

But with each rising sun

I realize that the strength in me

Should rely on no one

I’ll get it right

But for now

One more sip

One more drink

I need to wash down the pill

It’s hard to think

The pain my heart feels is real

 

 

You know that feeling you get when you start to recognize how much of a foothold they have in your life. You become drawn to them.
All you want to do is hear their voice, see their face, tell them your worries and fears, share your day and then you start to remember. Not again.
You remember the last time you felt like this and the pain that came through.

You remember how it felt so different trying to address life.
Hurting and hating, you never wanted to show vulnerability again. Then you build up your walls and continue to scar yourself in the process and eventually, the wall is up. You settle behind it to lick your wounds and fortify yourself but soon enough, someone else finds you.
She’s a bit more patient than your last, more prayerful too. He’s more communicative and passionate.

And they have come in, wanting to be your painkillers. But you’re scared, terrified that you’d feel it all again. All that unbearable pain, those tears, the anxiety.

Today, my #WordsOfWednesday are not that hard to understand. My message is one I got from a friend “Guard Your Heart”.

You deserve pure love and happiness and honesty and respect. Anyone who comes into your life should give that and if not, let them know and if not changes, let them go.
Often times, we try to self medicate alongside being repeatedly hurt by someone close to us. It is unhealthy.

But that doesn’t mean completely shut yourself off from being loved or cared for. There are some “good” people out there with good hearts that want to take care of you and you should let them. At least try.
But remember even when you go to the doctor and they prescribe you meds, they often come with side effects.
The new person(s) will not be perfect, they might hurt you in a new way too but always remember that a surgical procedure that failed will not be repeated. People that hurt you that havent changed, should never be allowed back in. Guard your heart.

If someone comes into your life and they want to help you heal, if you are ready or think you’re ready, give them a chance.
But if the pain returns or is unbearable, listen to the words of the tv commercial

“If symptoms persist, flush them down the toilet” – The Wordsmith.

You are somebody’s drug. Someone’s painkiller. Are you healing or inflicting more pain?

 

I apologize for slacking on #WordsOfWednesday but take my word, I am back. Another round of “Behind The Writer” is in motion and will be rolled out during the weekend with Pains 3.
Get excited and the Rants are available too. Download and share!

 

Stay Up!

PLEASE COMMENT.

The End

Follow @adewus4real

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

Lookout for Part 5 of Pains; this Saturday.

© 2015 #WhatTheHeckMan

 

Uncategorized

Pains 2

Pains 2

Keep The Quiet Out by JP Cooper

 

Jollof rice.

Music.

People all over the house

Friends and family from far and near

People constantly coming to check on me, I hated it all.

If you have ever been to a Nigerian event, funeral or otherwise, the people have a way of turning everything to a party.

Even if the death happened in the worst way, like a ghastly car accident, the people would still come out in their traditional regalia and look to dance and drink.

I hate funerals.

I always have but I particularly hated this one.

Not just because it was for my mother but for the fact that I could not decline to attend.

Before this one, I would always find an excuse to be excused from attending any funeral ceremonies.

In the hot summer sun, we stood there.

One of my cousins had done my makeup and the sun was trying to remind me of the ugly that hid beneath the MAC solution I had on my face.

The local Anglican church’s priest did his thing. Then the traditional father did his thing for a while and then the speeches. Oh the speeches!

Everyone had something to say.

Thinking back to that day now truth be told, I was extremely irritated.

I had just had my whole world crushed but I had to fake being strong in front of all these people.

And people kept touching me!

More than losing my mother, I hated being the center of the attention.

I hated hundred sweaty, food greased palms, rubbing my shoulder, touching my face, telling me to be strong.

I paid my respects and went into the car. That night, something else changed in my life. Nobody died or maybe it was better if someone had..

……

 Tolani and I were in conversation the night of the funeral at the palace. We just lay there next to each other and talked about different things.

It was helping.

Before I watched the coffin go into the ground, it really hadn’t been real to me. That night, I laid there fighting the reality that had beset me.

Things were changing.

Tolani was yapping on about some guy. Well not just any guy; Dele.

“You should have seen the way he was looking at you tho. Like he just wanted to undress you at that cemetery”

Tolani said.

I turned my head to the right and looked at her with a smile on my face as I said

“Tola, how would you have seen his eyes? Everyone was wearing sun glasses o”

She scoffed and said

“Don’t you know men?

When they want you they have those piercing Cyclops eyes. When he gives you that look ehn, things just unlock in places all over your body.

Stop acting like you don’t know jare”

I giggled.

She was right but I was going to try to play it off till I was sure what Dele wanted. Or better yet, what I wanted.

“Me, I don’t know sha. It just seems like you want me and him together so bad, you will forget I have other things to worry about”

I replied.

She checked back into reality and said

“Oh yeah, so what are you going to do now when you get back to Lagos?”

I didn’t want to talk about it.

I didn’t want to address the uncertainty.

I didn’t want to know just yet.

We had known about my mother’s condition but I never expected death. She was being treated by some of the best doctors in the country. My mother had suffered from Long QT syndrome an inherited heart rhythm disorder that can cause fast, chaotic heartbeats. The rapid heartbeats caused her heart to stop that day as she exercised.

I just wanted to stay in that moment and not return to Lagos. Return to an empty house, to not receiving calls from her on my phone. To being alone.

I got off the bed and Tolani said

“Where are you going?”

I said

“Bathroom”

I was lying. I just needed to get out of the room.

As I stepped into the hallway, I thought about my dad and how he was holding up.

I turned and headed for his room.

When I arrived outside his door, the things I heard, took me back a bit.

I was shocked.

There were sounds coming from his room.

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

“Sayo, you need to remarry”

I could hear my father’s older sister saying to him.

He replied

“No.”

And then he continued

“Why do I need to remarry?

I already have Bola and we have all we need. Besides, my wife just passed.

Can we show some respect?”

She laughed and said

“You don’t understand, this family does not want you.

They will never love you like their daughter. And more than anything, they will be coming for Bola now.

I heard rumblings that the King is hoping to marry Bola off early, so if she delivers a boy, he can rule.”

My dad’s voice became raised

“They cannot do that and anyone who comes for my daughter has to go through me first.

Bola will not be married off. She is only 18.

She still has a full life ahead of her.

No way.”

They both went silent for a minute. And then my aunt broke the silence by saying

“Protect yourself. Remarry.

Get yourself a son and begin to detach from this family. Royal families can be dangerous. Remember, your wife had many brothers after her who will be vying for the throne.

Do not be a discarded accessory due to stubbornness.

I have said my piece”

She got up and the door opened up. She looked surprised as she saw me standing there. She looked at me and said

“Ah Bola, how are you?

You’re not sleeping?”

I shook my head and faked a smile as I said

“No ma, I couldn’t sleep.”

She looked at me as she tried to figure out how long I might have been standing there for. She said no more as she walked away.

I had her marked.

…..

The next morning before we all began to return to our various destinations, my grandfather; the King, called a meeting.

We all sat there in his chambers.

He said very little but towards the end of the meeting the talk about his heir came to focus.

He said

“We all know that Arewa was the first born and she led by example. While our culture and our tradition does not physically put women on the throne, they are gods in our eyes as they mold worthy leaders for us.

Now Arewa did not leave a son and I am still able and vibrant enough to live for a few more years by the grace of gods of the land.

Maybe by the time the gods are ready for me to pass on, Bola would have delivered twin boys”

Uncomfortable giggles and laughs filled the room as everyone in the room turned and looked at me.

He had a huge smile on his face as he said those words and it was clear he was joking but with that, he painted a huge target on my back.

 

…….

 

Four years on and I was trying to forget that entire year.

I don’t think I had fully recovered from losing my mom and having to move from my dad but I was doing okay.

Dele and I had finally found our groove. It had taken a few years before we officially started dating but so far, it had been good.

He was patient with me, even though I would occasionally drift into my moods and forget things or become cold.

In the aftermath of my mother’s death, a lot happened.

A lot changed but Dele was present.

 

He was dead silent the whole ride home. I couldn’t figure out why.

I was trying to stay awake and not fall asleep as we he drove. I reclined the seat as I tried to not fall asleep. He still said nothing.

I had too much to drink and while he was trying to stop me at the club from downing another glass. I snapped. I took out a whole week’s worth of anger out on him. He looked caught out and embarrassed by my tipsy outburst. Most of my friends present were close to us and knew it was the alcohol but there was something about being proper in public that he liked. His parents raised him that way and even though he tried to relax more in public, he really couldn’t help it sometimes.

My eye lids continued to feel heavy and I finally gave in to sleep. I must have been out for just a few minutes before we arrived. The car stopped and I slowly sat up.

He just sat there and didn’t say anything again. I was so sleepy. I sat back down and closed my eyes again.

About 30 minutes later, I heard my phone ringing.

I reached for it between my legs as I scanned the name on the phone. It was Dele but why was he calling me. I looked over to the driver’s side and he wasn’t sitting there. I answered and he told me to come inside to a room 2508.

I was confused.

I sat up and looked outside the window, we were at a hotel. I picked up my shoes and scanned the car. When the text came in. I looked down at my phone.

It said “don’t worry. I packed all your stuff”

The walk into the hotel felt like the longest ever but I finally made it in. Following the directions I made it to the room.

The door was slightly ajar and I could hear some music but I wasn’t sure. I think it was Sade.

I pushed the door open into a candle lit room. He was sitting on the edge of the bed.

I closed the door behind me as I walked timidly towards him. There were roses on the bed. Candles everywhere. I was sure that I was missing something. He stretched out his hand as I dropped my shoes, purse and phone on the floor.

He looked deeply into my eyes. Reaching for a glass of water on the table. He handed it to me and said “drink this”.

Like a kid scared of their parent while downing Pepto Bismol, I drained the glass. I placed it on the table and was about to turn around when he got up and stood right behind me. He whispered in my ears

“Don’t turn around”

I could feel the heat from his mouth on my neck as the bass in his voice vibrated through my ears. I stood frozen in place and then I heard the silver clink as he cuffed me.

It happened so fast that I couldn’t stop him. He walked me backwards slowly and dropped me on to the bed.

I could feel the cold rose petals all over my back.

I was looking up to him as he began to take off his shirt. He looked determined.

Sliding my dress up, he pulled my panties down.

Quick.

I tried to negotiate my release because I knew what being handcuffed meant. This was his way of “punishing” me for my behavior earlier.

He was going to suck and nibble so hard on my clit that my legs would shake uncontrollably with pleasure.

Fuck!

First lick as his tongue greeted my full lips.

Wet.

Soaking wet.

He had that effect on me. I could not begin to understand why I was that wet. I tried to stay calm as my moans began to escape from my mouth. It was so hard.

His tongue was so strong but so caring to my lips. They meshed so well.

Parting and dipping inside me, his tongue was at home.

There was this thing he would do where he would blow a bubble of air in his mouth and isolate his tongue on my clit. In the most unpredictable patterns, he would run his tongue all over my clit that was now throbbing. I was moaning so loud as I kicked and screamed trying to break free but I knew I was not leaving his grip. And definitely not breaking out of the cuff.

At one point, he had my legs up in the air as he stuck his tongue in and out of me.

I caught glimpses of his perfectly trimmed beard soaked in my wetness.

Thinking about it now is getting me wet again. Sorry let me continue.

So my legs are shaking mid air while his strong arms pin me down. Sade’s soothing voice is in total contrast to the events in the bed.

He then stops. And pulls him out. I called him “Bossman”

He dominated.

Always.

Like a center in the paint, he was guaranteed to score when he went that hard.

As he slid into me I begged that he take the cuff off me, he had this evil smile on his face.

He thrusts sent the message. “Don’t fuck with me”

I was begging. Apologizing however I knew best but nothing was working. Nothing at all.

I could feel him in the space between my belly button and my now consumed pink.

He began to kiss my neck as he slid in and out and I lost it.

My eyes began to roll back into my head.

I could feel myself leave my body and take a seat on the chair as I watched him ravage me.

I tried to keep my voice down but it was a huge fail. I was so loud.

I could feel myself nearing my climax.

“Baby, I’m going to cum. Pleaseeeeee”

I begged but he just went harder, I think he knew exactly when it was going to happen as I went silent. You know when you’re about to let it all out and you hold all your breath in and your mouth is wide open like you just got slapped on your bareback as a kid. Like tears without sound or the drops.

Yeah! Just like that.

And then he did the most shocking thing.

He pulled out!

He fucking pulled out!

I opened my eyes and looked at him in shock like wtf!

“Did you cum?”

I asked

He smiled and then he went back down. My eyes grew big. He was going to push me over the cliff with his tongue.

I tried to clamp my legs together to prevent him from doing it. He pried them open with his powerful arms.

And then his breath, hot as fire at that moment. He placed his tongue on my clit. With his two front teeth, he nibbled and sucked. I swear I was going crazy.

I squeezed my legs together. Like you just did too.

Yeah just like that.

I tried to trap what I knew was going to come next and then, it happened. I let it all go!

The sound was sharp like enough to shatter glass.

I was gasping for air as he let me go.

Still handcuffed and on my back, I immediately felt sleepy. He smiled and came to my head and kissed me on the forehead. And then all I remember was staring at his ass that I usually joked was bigger than mine as he walked out the room.

The bathroom light went on and the lights in my head went out.

I passed out.

I felt him come back later and my hands became free.

My sleep was so peaceful. I opened my eyes as the sun hit my side of the bed.

As I began wake, I looked at my wrists which were sore from my battling the night before. I looked at my left wrist which had the hand cuffs dangling from it. Everything started to come back to me. I turned around and looked at him fast asleep next to me.

I was going to use the bathroom when I noticed a box by my bed side, it said

“Happy Anniversary My Queen”

Fuck!

That was what he whispered to me as he uncuffed me the night before and why he was mad at the club because I was getting too drunk to appreciate all he had planned out for me. I smiled so hard and was immediately consumed with sadness for forgetting my own anniversary. It had only been two years. Sigh.

I got off the bed and headed to the bathroom, I opened the door and noticed blown out candles and a full bath with bubbles. Scented massage oils and such. I felt horrible.

Next to the tub was a card that read

“Thank you baby for always thinking of me even when I’m not doing it myself. You are everything and more. I love you”

I looked myself in the mirror. Award for the “worst” girlfriend of the year goes to….

I walked back into the room and grabbed my phone, I was about to start planning to save face with something extravagant.

I got a text message from Tolani that read

“Babes, call me ASAP”

I hit the dial button and a few rings later, my best friends voice flooded my ears.

I said

“Tolani, I was about to call you self! Guess what, I forgot about my anniversary yesterday.

Like Dele had this elaborate thing planned out and I forgot about it.

What can I do?

I need to do something big to make it up…. Like I drank so much and I passed out before I could even take it all in”

She laughed and said

“Wait! So you didn’t take prick?”

I scoffed and I said

“Nooooo…. I’m still sore as we speak. He definitely put it on me.”

Tolani laughed and said

“So babes, I called you because guess what I just heard?”

I said

“What?”

She replied

“Your dad is getting remarried. My friend just saw him at the mall with a woman ring shopping”

I felt it.

I was surprised.

Even though it had been four years, I was selfish.

Why would he try to replace her?

I wanted to be angry but did I have a right to?

Wasn’t I being selfish?

The man had waited for four years but was that enough?

I could feel my heart splitting.

I sat down on the toilet seat and tears began to flow down my eyes.

And I didn’t even know why.

PLEASE COMMENT.

COMMENT!!! 

Follow @adewus4real

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

Lookout for Part 3 of Pains next week.

© 2015 #WhatTheHeckMan

Art · Drama · Fiction · Life · Poetry · Uncategorized

Pains

Pains

Embedded image permalink

 BTSTU (Jai Paul Cover) by Niia

“I reckon there are good men and women left in the world but they are few and almost impossible to find.
I don’t spend my time searching for them through the chaos. I just imagine their good deeds will eventually shine the light on them.
There won’t be many chances to impact a life better than the one you have now. Leave a positive mark.

People are easy to manipulate as the situations change but let your integrity speak for you. Let you message be the same.

Do good and love hard.

Say a prayer whenever you can.

No good deed goes to waste. And someday you may need one and you may not have the power to dictate.

Give love and do well. In this life, you are only a chapter in a page less book” 

                                                                                                                                                             – The Wordsmith

 

The story was that my parents wanted more.

More like me.

My family members always told me that I was the perfect baby. I rarely cried and I always smiled.

More importantly, I always slept through the night.

But they wanted another me. Well they wanted a boy.

I think secretly my father did but my mother was probably content with having just me. You’ll understand why at some point.

I was always thought that there was a part of me that needed more focus. Like I was not fully grasping who I was. But life is full of unique ways to change stories, I just always felt mine would go a certain way.

Our life was easy.

Well mostly easy.

Argentina, London, Australia, Gabon, and Sweden to name a few countries we toured together as a family; mother, my father and I.

My life plan was simple; be better than your parents. Funny enough, none of the pressure came from them.

But they were such amazing people that I automatically knew that I had to be better than both of them.

I envied my mother.

I watched how my father looked at her each day and I craved that sight. I craved that love and care that I saw in his eyes towards her.

Hating my mother was not an option don’t get me wrong. I didn’t envy her because I wanted to be her exactly, I guess I should clarify and say that I wanted the attention her person commanded.

 

She had always commanded attention and respect.

Her father and my grandfather, had overthrown his brother for the crown in our hometown.

At the time of this happening, my mother had not been born. Essentially, my grandfather had wrestled for power even though he didn’t have a successor lined up.

My mother and her siblings came a few months after the “coup”.

It moved seamlessly, that my uncle would take over after my grandfather.

My mother was the first-born and she was like a son to my grandfather.

Tough in power and wise with her care to the people, the people loved her.

Everyone loved her.

 

She was around for eight years before my uncle was even born, so lets just say that the people had really gotten used to her.

There was a story told to me about how she acted during my grandfather’s 60th birthday party.

Tradition states that the King showcased the blessings the land has given him.

These included material things like cars, livestock, clothing and the most important of them all; his children.

For whatever reason, the story states that my mother had decided not to be paraded. She refused to go out in the usual order; after the livestock.

The story says that she blatantly told the people in charge

“I am daddy’s favorite so I am going before the cars and all”

They also never failed to mention that she was only 8yrs old at the time. Some have questioned the validity of that incident but never questioned that it’s something she could have said.

I have always found that story hard to believe but I have never doubted that my mother was that woman.

I think it was evident, the amount of control she had in the household when she returned from college to inform my grandfather that she was marrying my father, a radio producer and no one resisted.

She was highly opinionated and respect but always humble and submissive to my father.

He married royalty but kept his normal life, he was the executive producer of some of the biggest shows on 103.5FM in Lagos.

We primarily lived in Lagos but had houses in various cities around the world. We traveled at will but one of the key values held by mother was the power of family and it’s togetherness.

So whenever I was home from school, we would always eat dinner as a family together. The table made and all, we would share stories, catch up and just be one.

The ability to influence things like that was the trait, I wanted the most from my mother and I think she knew it too.

.       .     .     .       .

 “Susan, you know I left the money right there. 

Are you sure you didn’t see it?”

I asked one of our maids

“No madam. I no see am”

I felt like she was lying to me but I wasn’t about to go searching her room.

I stared at her and then I walked away.

I could hear chatter in the kitchen between her and the cook.

Our house in Lagos, in the Lekki area was huge. Really too much space than we would ever need and it truly sucked to be the only child.

Remember how I talked about my parents wanting another kid?

Well, this was why. I basically grew up with maids as my only friends and I know my dad wanted me to have siblings but particularly a brother.

My mother being the first for my grandfather, if she didn’t present a boy, the crown would skip our household and settle on the head of my uncle.

This particular afternoon, I was on my midterm break from my boarding school, which was about an hour outside town.
Somewhat like the Spring break given to those in American schools but it was our refresher.

I was planning to go out with my friends that evening and I was particularly irked that I thought I had put the money in particular spot but I couldn’t find it.

I was in my room getting ready when I heard a knock on the door.

“Come in”

I said

The door opened slowly and Susan appeared. She immediately got down on her knees and began begging.

In her right hand, she waved the money I was just looking for earlier

“Madam, I am sorry. I no mean to take am 

please I just want to send am to my family for village”

I got up and smiled.

I walked up to her and I pulled her up.

“It’s okay.”

Now I referred to her as Susan but I grew up calling her Aunty Susan. She was old enough to be my mother and she along with my mother, raised me.

I knew she had the money but I just wanted her to tell me.

I walked with her to the bed as she cried profusely

“Aunty Susan, I am not upset you took the money. 

I am angry you did not tell me you needed it. You know I would have given it to you freely”

She nodded and said

“I was just afraid ma

My daughter wants to enter Unifasity and I don’t have enough money to pay.

I sorry ma”

I gave her a hug and handed the money back to her.

“Aunty, next time, tell me.

Stop crying. I will give you the rest of what you need when I get back.

Okay?”

She nodded as I let her out of the room and finished getting ready.

Now before you assume that I am some self righteous person, recognize that if my mother had found out about the incident, Susan would have been dismissed.

I was able to get the money from my mother. I can’t even remember what lie I told to get it but I did.

I remember returning to school and feeling accomplished but bigger tests of my character were coming along the way.

 .     .     .     .       .

“What do you mean that Idris Elba is not sexy?

Have you seen the man?”

Tolani was the queen of arguments like these.

It was a Saturday evening and we waited before dinner time.

In the girls hostel, we hung around our bunks and just argued about vain attractions to men some of us might never meet.

“Tolani, remember the guy that played Oscar Grant?

Or the guy from House of Payne, the darker one?

Those men are sexy!

Everyone just says Idris Elba is sexy because a lot of old women just want him”

Tolani, my best friend always found a way to turn a debate on it’s head.

She said

“So you’re telling me that if Idris Elba walked in through that door right now, you wont let him go to work on you?”

I giggled and looked at my half naked body and said

“He wouldn’t know what to do with me”

Everyone in the room burst into laughter and we went about getting ready.

I was putting on some make up (A contraband at our school at the time) when I heard my name

“Bola Adekanmi…. Bola Adekanmi”

I turned around and said

“Yes”

It was one of the aides calling my name.

I walked up to her and said

“Yes… who’s looking for me o”

with a smile across my face.

She looked at me with seriousness in her eyes and said

“Get dressed. The principal wants to see you”

I actually wasn’t scared. Unlike most students, when I was called to the principals office, I didn’t actually panic.

The principal was friends with my parents, so I never really worried.

I arrived about 10 minutes later at the principal’s office. She was in her seat with her head down.

“Bola, your parents have asked for you to come home.”

I just assumed it was because we were going on a trip. After all, my birthday was only a month away. But graduation was also only two months away, so I wasn’t sure.

We had planned as a family to visit Spain in the summer for my birthday.

Maybe it was an early birthday surprise, I thought to myself.

Either way, I was going home and I was good with that.

I greeted our driver as I got into the car

“Oga Wisdom

How body na?”

He forced a smile and greeted me.

He drove me back to the hostel where I grabbed a few more things and then we were on our way.

I was actually kind of pleased to be going home. I had been missing my bed for a few days.

The drive was okay. It was evening time and not too much traffic.

Oga Wisdom wasn’t talking to me much but I didn’t make anything of it. I was listening to the radio and grooving away.

We arrived at my house at about 9pm.

When we showed up, there were cars everywhere and a lot of people.

Our cars were parked under the shed to the right but nothing explained all the other cars.

I continued to feed into my theory that I was getting a surprise birthday party.

The driver parked the car and I hopped out.

When I walked into the house, it felt like there was a cloud; a thick cloud.

There were a lot of shoes in the front of the living room.

I could hear crying and wailing.

I wasn’t sure what was going on.

My heart was starting to race.

My palms got sweaty.

I was reaching for my necklace. It was something I fiddled with whenever I got nervous.

I made my way closer to the living room and the cries got louder.

I finally stood in the doorway.

Everyone instantly turned towards me. I could see the sadness written all over their faces.

They looked at me with pity.

I just thought my grandfather had passed.

But I scanned the room, and there he was.

Sitting in the corner of the room with his guards around him.

Tears in his eyes.

I knew.

I looked at my dad, his head in his palms.

I scanned the room again. Susan was on the ground in the corner of the room crying. Hard.

I wanted to open my mouth and ask but I couldn’t find the words.

My brain wasn’t linking up with my tongue

I wanted to cry but I froze.

I wanted to ask why but I knew nobody would answer right.

I want to move but I froze.

My everything was gone.

And in that moment, my whole world became void.

.     .     .       .       .

 My interaction with you was like a pencil

Gliding along my heart

You register unique memories

Trading what I felt with you is impossible to imagine

Falling in you is something I would repeat gladly

Today, the memories we shared keep me warm

I dig deep and find you through every storm

….

I can’t seem to understand why you left so soon

I can’t understand why you left him too

We’re lost

But home within ourselves

Alone

You gave us love

And left before we could share

 …..

Things are not the same

My heart now lives in pain

Losing you doesn’t cause as much hurt as it did that first night

Now I have no one in my corner

No one to hear my plight

Every night I close my eyes

I imagine myself on a flight

One-way ticket from here

Destination to wherever I can set my eyes on you

And keep you in sight

Mummy, I wish you could hold me for one more night

My heart is void

And sore from war

From battling my demons and not allowing myself through the trap door

I miss you

 

Look out for Part 2 and catch up on #WordsOfWednesday

Real Talk (The New Way of Attractions)

http://wp.me/p3GjtC-jZ via @adewus4real

 

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Lookout for Part 2 of Pains next week.

© 2015 #WhatTheHeckMan

 

 

#WordsofWednesday · Art · Drama · Life · Oakland · Poetry · Uncategorized

Real Talk (The New Way of Attractions)

Real Talk (The New Way of Attractions)

[audio mp3=”https://adewus4real.files.wordpress.com/2015/04/jacob-banks-say-something-cover.mp3″

Say Something Cover by Jacob Banks

It’s 4am.                                                                                                                                                 

Why am I up?

Its you

I should be asleep but let me share the truth

The truth for me is you

Socks on my feet

Curled under my sheets

My face is beat

I shouldn’t have makeup on right now

It should be my head wrap securing my crown

Carrying me into dream land

But hearing your voice is all I need

With you I want to share my thoughts 

It’s late and I have to be up at the crack of dawn

But let’s just sit here and talk

…..

It’s been eight months

Yet all we do is talk

Now you no longer want to hear my thoughts

Everything I say sounds like I nag

Having you in my life was once a reason to brag

But now I carry my aching heart in my handbag

I’m struggling to not drown in my feelings

But you won’t answer my calls

And if you do

You always promise to call back

But you never call

And all I really want to do is talk 

It’s 4am

……

Suddenly there are other people

Those long five conversations till four have stopped

Now three of us make up this triangle 

Me, you and this growing space

I miss when it was just us two

But now you’re not available to return the attention or concern

It’s now too much to expect one call from you

It’s 4am and I’m retweeting the new girl you’re talking to

……

It’s 4am 

And I haven’t heard from you

I’m scrolling down your timeline

This is the only way I connect to you

Oh you have a doctors appointment

I didn’t even know you hated hospitals

I’m careful not to double tap as I make my way

Down your Instagram page

I am 64 weeks down the way

I loved it when you had your hair in those box braids

But I keep waiting for you

I still keep the faith

But i admit I’m getting tired and I might not be able to wait

……

Fleeting attractions

Like Nitro gas

We burn out fast

Spilling out our lives

Into each other’s palms

Building dreams in clouds so high 

But our eagle is ground when the clouds cry

Drenched in emptiness and regret

But remembering you’re the best I’ve had yet

I want more

Like I had wanted you

Now I communicate my feelings through retweets and emojis blue

Hoping that my borrowed words reach

Hoping they catch you

I’m here hurting as you announce your new conquest

And I’m hoping you say something

But you’re saying I’ve given up on you

It’s 4am

And I’m talking to you again

Through an unresponsive screen 

Realizing that all we had were muddled dreams

…..

That dreaded “talking phase”. Oh that phase.

Think, how many people are you “talking” to right now? Why is it so convenient for the guy you want to hide behind being in a talking state?

There are many great men and women today scared of commitment and void of effort that they just sit in the talking phase.

But the talking phase provides no security, today you’re the only one he’s talking to, tomorrow, you’re not the guy she calls first in the morning anymore.

When will we want more? Ask for more.

Do more.

And ultimately be more.

I am never here to scapegoat anyone and I am not perfect (this is a lesson for me too).

But we need to grow as a people.

For a generation so adept at knowing emotions, we are very emotionally behind.

Our emotional vocabulary is shot. Minimal if any.

Men cannot communicate needs and women cannot fully grasp the understanding of self.

People talk more than they get into relationships. This is our new wave of attraction. Our new ways of sharing self.

We talk and talk but our hearts are not listening. All we do is talk; no action.