It all started from me wanting to be your painkiller
Now you’ve got me over dosing on painkillers
The wounds you gave me cut deeper
Fuck it I think I might need a spiritual healer
You came into my heart with promise
You told me you would be different
But here I am
Getting drunk again
Trying to make memories of you
We were supposed to be great
It was the plan to dominate
But you never took the time
You drove me to the point where I had to investigate
You started to come home late
We barely ate
Slowly I drifted away
No humble pie
Like a hardened criminal
You ignored when I would cry
Telling me to stop
Forcing me to appreciate the shoes that you bought
You forgot me
The promises you made me
My heart was aching
Slowly I could feel it breaking
And it was you
This time it was you doing the orchestrating
Two steps apart
I initially waited for the walk sign
Then ignored the blinking warnings
Straight into moving traffic
I moved my life from static
I placed a bet on my happiness
I was tired of mediocre
Frustrated with all the sadness
I needed to be cared for
Loved and adored
But waiting for you to wake up
That was a luxury I couldn’t afford
I’m not exactly sure how long it’s been
The mailman just left
And he reminded me of you
The way you initially were consistent
Showing up as your promised
You held me close
With a hot wet towel
You washed my wounds
Your sweet words helped me heal
Then you got bored
Drifted away from me
I could feel it
All the sadness that you were blind to see
Returned and consumed me
I became weak again
Now I can no longer feel
Yet I still think of you
You broke your promises
But holding on to you
I’m like a hoarder who can’t get rid of things
I so desperately wished you were the one
But with each rising sun
I realize that the strength in me
Should rely on no one
I’ll get it right
But for now
One more sip
One more drink
I need to wash down the pill
It’s hard to think
The pain my heart feels is real
You know that feeling you get when you start to recognize how much of a foothold they have in your life. You become drawn to them.
All you want to do is hear their voice, see their face, tell them your worries and fears, share your day and then you start to remember. Not again.
You remember the last time you felt like this and the pain that came through.
You remember how it felt so different trying to address life.
Hurting and hating, you never wanted to show vulnerability again. Then you build up your walls and continue to scar yourself in the process and eventually, the wall is up. You settle behind it to lick your wounds and fortify yourself but soon enough, someone else finds you.
She’s a bit more patient than your last, more prayerful too. He’s more communicative and passionate.
And they have come in, wanting to be your painkillers. But you’re scared, terrified that you’d feel it all again. All that unbearable pain, those tears, the anxiety.
Today, my #WordsOfWednesday are not that hard to understand. My message is one I got from a friend “Guard Your Heart”.
You deserve pure love and happiness and honesty and respect. Anyone who comes into your life should give that and if not, let them know and if not changes, let them go.
Often times, we try to self medicate alongside being repeatedly hurt by someone close to us. It is unhealthy.
But that doesn’t mean completely shut yourself off from being loved or cared for. There are some “good” people out there with good hearts that want to take care of you and you should let them. At least try.
But remember even when you go to the doctor and they prescribe you meds, they often come with side effects.
The new person(s) will not be perfect, they might hurt you in a new way too but always remember that a surgical procedure that failed will not be repeated. People that hurt you that havent changed, should never be allowed back in. Guard your heart.
If someone comes into your life and they want to help you heal, if you are ready or think you’re ready, give them a chance.
But if the pain returns or is unbearable, listen to the words of the tv commercial
“If symptoms persist, flush them down the toilet” – The Wordsmith.
You are somebody’s drug. Someone’s painkiller. Are you healing or inflicting more pain?
I apologize for slacking on #WordsOfWednesday but take my word, I am back. Another round of “Behind The Writer” is in motion and will be rolled out during the weekend with Pains 3.
Get excited and the Rants are available too. Download and share!
Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated.
Lookout for Part 5 of Pains; this Saturday.
© 2015 #WhatTheHeckMan