I am The Wordsmith and this is. #WordsOfWednesday
I’m sitting in my car and I’m just thinking
How did I get here???
I’m just going to continue writing
This is what I know how to do best
This is not a poem
This is not a blurb
These are my realest thoughts
The ones that I often want to share with no one
I was privileged to read the other day
A new book that drifted my way
It opened my eyes and took me back to the start
The way it was back then
Often times I use mental health as an excuse
But on the real
The tears in my eyes have come from years of abuse
Never underestimate the power you hold over a growing heart
My cousins and their neighbors
Contributed to the a huge dent in self esteem
There I was handsome on many accounts
But shallow within
I found myself grasping for fake and empty gratifications
Trying to tell myself that I am truly worth it
But not believing it
I was laughed at cos all I listened to was Yoruba music
While my cousins in Lagos quoted rhymes from the West Coast District
In my own home I would become a slave that had to serve
To get love
But I could tell no one
Now I’m in tears
My parents should know the truth
But I can’t even tell what’s true
That I truly hate myself or that I should no longer be a victim to the pains from my youth
By men who want to come on Twitter and claim
That it was all bants
But I remember those late nights
Where I was so terrified, my balls deserted my pants
You held me up to beat me
But in that act
You continued to bury me
My confidence and hope
You took away from me
Now you want to come and retweet me
And I can’t cry about it
We only sacrifice the victim
She was great
In every single way
We got fat together
But it was safe
We thought our hearts would never break
But life came in the form of a mother
And I ran like a coward
I didn’t know better
I didn’t know to fight for what was right
Filled her eyes with tears
And scarred her heart
Three years on
Heart filled with bother
I can’t love another
I ask myself
If I will ever be ready to love
But how can I love you when I don’t love myself
I hate myself
I hate that you love me
Crippled by the fears that I will fail you
Like my father did me
In my twenties
I’m learning lessons I should have learned early
I want to thank you for loving me
I want to appreciate you for sticking with me
But everyone that have loved me has always wanted something from me
So what do you want from me?
You want to own me
Make me yours
Your own trophy?
This is me
Unable to appreciate you
Unable to appreciate love
The familiar comfort is the tears streaming down my face
I am going to have a headache
But in my bed
I will feel safe
My head throbbing in my own space
I don’t want to love you
Because I feel I will hurt you
Like I did yesterday
When I promised I would call you back
But I couldn’t bring myself to dial again
I stared at the phone
My brain going insane
My heart knowing that if you left
I will never be the same
But all I have ever known is pain
From the first day she said do it my way
To when they told me to shut up and not cry again
I always say
No one can ever quantify my pain
But the truth is
Our scars are not the same
In my suits
I exude class and swag
But behind me is a huge bag
Field with my rags of emotions
The tatters I have come to love
The ones I really see myself in
The women want to love me
But I don’t want you to love
I just want to love me
The only time I feel happy is when I pray
But sometimes I feel like I fall away from him each day
I need his light
Brighter to see the way
But what can I say
I might have been doing it blindly my own way
I am not a victim
I am story
So it’s burning within me
I am a survivor
But I’m bleeding
I want to get help
But people need me
Or so I think
I love far away
So you can’t come into my heart and see me when I’m about to break
I don’t have the answers
But nobody is asking the right questions
I am lost
And I paid a blind woman to lead me to the hope
But she left because she couldn’t cope
You have never hurt me
But I can’t believe that I won’t hurt you
And that haunts me
My love for you is real
My love for me is real
But I don’t know where it is
Or how it feels
That’s how’s it’s always been
The spotlight gets shined on me
And I freeze
This is me talking
From my heart
About the issues that have plagued me
I want to do right
But I don’t want to at the same time
The price of love
True love holds more value than gold
It can turn a soul
And it gives life to the old
In all of this
I want to thank you for loving me
What is that you asked
Can i love you?
All I can say is
And that is the truth really
It was the truth I was looking for when I started to write actually
I am Sanmi and this is the story.
Often times I just need space
Time away from the stimuli
Moments to think
The process of believing loved can bring stress
Even if loving is not stress itself
Everyone seems to want something from me
Even those that say they don’t want anything
Today I just wrote
Today I have cried.
Today I went into the archives
And I wondered why I hate me so much
I thought I loved me
But I realized that I never truly applied love to me
True love to myself, true love of myself
I have asked myself why I entertain certain people.
Women to be specific.
I know they can’t love me the way I need to be loved
But I still allow them to stay close by. There are people who want me as a trophy. To say, I got him.
And there are some that genuinely love me but none of them can have me.
I am not ready.
I wake up hating me.
Needing to see your comments to fee alive.
I beg for your time, so I don’t drown in mine.
I am scared that I will miss out on real love. It’s staring me in the face but I swear I’m trying.
Trying to live and love again but it’s hard.
I don’t think I’m lovable.
There are those that want me for sex. Expressly said
And those that want me just so I can be their personal projects while they nurse me to health.
And I don’t even want myself. But there is also you, you helped nurse me back to health. Even though I hurt you in the first Place.
The power of the love you have for me sometimes scares me like what if I can never give back enough.
Ladies & Gentlemen, I am not entirely sure why I wrote this and why I am posting this.
But maybe you picked something you could relate to. Something that touched you.
I know it’s #WordsOfWednesday and you all look forward to reading something dope but this is me today.
The true words from my heart
I am confident love is real because God is real.
But I don’t know how to feel.
The Truth is from the heart.
My tears were from the heart.
My pain tore me apart
But I stand once more
Ready to play my part
Appreciating love will not be easy but I am open and actively trying.
Today, I’ve written because my heart said so. Today, I hope you find a way to speak to your truth.
I am The Wordsmith but these words are emotions.
I love you all.
Thank you for loving me, even as I learn to love me more.
Comment if you would like to.