Fiction

Convenient Christian 4

It’s been a minute
Since we spoke
I love how you always call
Voicemail
Redial
No fail
I love knowing you are there
All around me
But not around me
I may not call
Till my next interview
Not even before the recruiter screen
Let’s talk after the final stage
So you can work your consistent magic
Get me the best package
Fully remote
With unlimited PTO
So I can now tweet that I’m a tech bae
Tithe into your household
No way

Nobody can check me
Ignoring calls for offerings into your storehouse
Because it comes through a messenger I don’t rate
But so do my bills
Xfinity, T-mobile, and Student Loans are never late
And as you directed I do to Caesar
I give
Building fund
Who go belief
Every day between Bakare and Oyedepo
I lose
Faith in the doctrine
Their behavior is like a slap in the face
Religion no longer makes me feel like a Winner
I stand in the Chapel annoyed
But not like Jesus
Me
More rage
At a younger age
Oh Lord, why did I ever come of age?

The women bully the young girls
Forget your curves that dress must hide them
You don’t want to tempt the boys
Those ones do no wrong
They flaunt freely like gun slinging soldiers
Unhappy church women forcing marriage down the throats of young people
We know their husbands cheat
Their RN wives will never admit defeat
On the offense
Jesus is a mighty God
Another testimony
It’s my 10th anniversary with my husband this month
But it’s his 60th rent payment for mistress this month
Direct deposit
All the church does is gossip
Settle down, settle
Join the train of unhappy souls
In the place where we save lost souls

So here I sit
Disillusioned
Disconnected
Despite knowing my relationship should be with you
Not the establishment
But I need the establishment
Because within you, I am not established
Yet
Why does the church that made me love you in Bible Tales
Now make me draw my sword to protect myself from it’s absurd tales

I stay in the place of worship
Not because I hear thy voice
But because that choir hits the notes and every chord
They have the best YouTube reputation
Far and above
Nothing beats sprinkling a little legwork into my praise and worship
It’s for the kids they say
It helps us stay hip
But further lost I feel
The church no longer feels like home
When I close my eyes to pray
All I see is her on her knees
No pray
Taking deep breaths
It ain’t about faith
That wasn’t her name
This is about me and you
Honest and true
I love you
I do
But do I know you

Every day I find more ways your “word” divides people
Or those you called discriminate against your blessed people
I’m torn
I was sure that growing up
Would mean more of you
But the more they “tell me of you”
I see less of you in them
And then less of me
Because who I was before was rooted in you
Now he feels like a distant past
Long in the rearview
So here is me pouring my heart out
I hope you hear me
I’ll try to pick up when you call
Or call you back at my earliest convenience
Or when next I need you
I hope that’s still cool

I told my mom last week that I felt “tired” of my church.
Something changed – the love went out the door
It was sudden, abrupt and then just gone. I used to be the person that couldn’t wait for Sunday. Praise and worship lifted me up, even when I wasn’t singing.
I just loved being there.
It usually meant my whole day but I loved giving my time.
I am not sure what happened and I think it may just be my church because I don’t feel this when I go to others but I lost the spark.

Not just for going to church but for speaking to God – period.
It felt hard because I know I need him and he has done soooo much for me(please tell me you sang Tim Godfrey’s Nara here”
I struggle to hear him in my private bible readings but I noticed that I would always hear him in song.
In private moments of worship and praise – he would speak and I would hear.
So I know all hope is not lost, maybe I need to change my church or something in my life but I wanted to share this post with you.
It’s vulnerable, it’s not cute, it’s not Big Daddy Adewus but it is one of the layers that defines me.
I believe my faith and my upbringing in Christ has influenced a lot of the man I am.

Last week, I was trying to record a video for my IG after my workout and this song came on Oba to nja Funmi by Gbenga Akinfenwa.
I have heard it before and many times but that day, the words struck.
Despite my faithlessness and unfaithfulness, God keeps fighting for me. And he has never left me to wishes of those that do not have my best intentions at heart.
I felt vulnerable and embarrassed and I almost decided the video would never see the light of day but I see all of you that interact with the “realer” side of me. 
I know there are people the song may speak to or this caption may speak to.
So here it goes.

I hope you are happy, at peace and loved within yourself.
If any of those elements is missing and even if it is not, here is my heart to you and a hug from me to you.
I pray God keeps fighting for you and I.
Please check out my blog for my Convenient Christian series and enjoy Part 4.
It is as real as it gets.
Till next time.

Stay up!

#WhatTheHeckMan · #WordsofWednesday

Letters from Lekki ✨

Phase 1

Written on January 2nd, 2022

It’s been a tradition for many years that on my visits to Lagos, I get incredibly inspired to create new content. Whether that is writing or pictures or even business ideas, something always pops up.
The struggle always comes around taking the time to actually write or share the content created – something I hope to improve on in 2022.

But last night, I slept early. In my hotel room alone, after missing dinner plans, I ordered in some Afang (not a fan) and Eba. Because I need to watch something while I eat, I watched Zootopia.
Don’t question me! I love my kid/animation movies.
Shortly after, I knocked out and I woke up about an hour ago. 6:56am.
I have plans today that I am very excited for but for now, I wanted to put down a few thoughts swirling in my head.
2022 is young but it already promises so much, so here are a few thoughts.

Execute, Now.

If you are like me, there are certain things that have been on your resolutions list for a few years.
You keep watching it and moving it from year to year like a depreciating asset on your balance sheet.
Look, life is hard. Mr Eazi lied.
But one thing I have always lived by is that regret is much worse than failure.
Think about the things you regret, not saying “I love you” to someone or seeing your favorite actor and not asking for a picture.
Those linger longer and cut deeper than the time you burnt a recipe you tried for the first time or when you got a low mark on a test.
The key here is that you tried. Me, in certain areas of my life, I am never afraid to try but in others, I hesitate.

I ask us this year to just do it. Execute on it. You really won’t “fail” because you’ll be learning from each instance. Do it now, so you can look back months from now and see progress and learnings. Not regret for never starting.

Stop Breaking Your Own Heart

Stop waiting on that apology. Stop expecting that person to treat you better.
Stop overstating your importance in the lives of those around you.

Most of my heartbreak in recent times has been from over-extending my heart into areas where it had previously been scarred. For a long time, there was a person that I wanted our relationship to work so badly.
The biggest stumbling block, they are the friend that never apologizes first or sees they’re wrong unless they’re completely backed against the wall. Believe it or not, there were nights I would cry because I just wished they would do better.
The final nail in the coffin, they tried to gaslight me. This person said to me that they believed how I responded to them upset them and they couldn’t explain it. Plus they assumed some of my tweets were directed at them.
On said day, I was working and very busy. So obviously replying the message was not a priority.
Don’t get me wrong – I was fully aware that them not getting a prompt reply was a trigger for them but what happens when I am not even looking at my phone or focusing on that at all?
Or when MY own world is busy.
Anyways, the friendship fizzled out and I have no intentions of being the one to rekindle it because I am tired of breaking my own heart. IF all the time passes and they are not self-aware or reflective enough to realize where they messed up and own the situation, why should I keep hurting myself?

This year – say no to things or situations that keep traumatizing you and stop breaking your own heart.

You do not have a monopoly on someone else’s happiness

Less Ego, More Love – nothing related to Wizkid or Burna or Davido or Shatta “He needs a psych eval” Wale.
Oftentimes, we believe that because of what we experience with certain people, their future happiness should be tied to how they made us feel.
Sorry but that can’t work. Never.
A previous ting of mine got engaged recently and it was beautiful to see. Truth be told, I knew it would happen someday – aside from our relationship she was a good person.
But a part of me always felt slighted that she wasn’t this great version of herself while with me. Self-reflection will tell you that I probably had a part to play in that but I still felt a way.

In 2022 and beyond – please remember, you do not own people or have any influence on their short or long-term happiness. Focus on making you the greatest version of yourself and leave the rest for the universe to sort out.

Forgive yourself

If you are like me, you have been through quite a bit. It’s normal. We’ve seen things and felt things.
Been hurt, hurt people and seen ourselves evolve.
One thing about people is that we wear our trauma like tattoos gotten in dark alleys and reminders on our hearts like passport stamps but we fail to sit in our happy moments as if the showers of joy come with hailstones.

Much of the trauma and hurt you have faced have you cautious, closed-off, defensive, reclusive, overextending, overcompensating, unable to accept compliments or love, and so on. It’s normal and perfectly okay but this year, look into the mirror like Issa and forgive yourself.
For the parts, you played and for the things you did or said, then forgive yourself and move on.

You deserve light and fluffy love like perfect pancakes. You deserve smiles that light up the room.
You deserve the best YOU.

So go after that person in 2022 and truly be the best of you.
The world will be better for it.

#WhatTheHeckMan · #WordsofWednesday

Step Away!

Taken on April 4th, 2022

Lessons I’m learning on my weight loss journey

It’s barely 4pm and I just had my first meal of the day. Well if you count my smoothie, then I guess second. But my smoothie was three scoops of protein powder and half a cup of Almond milk.
I’m deep in the trenches.

It’s been 3weeks since I started my Green and Grown diet (basically eating only veggies and things growing out of the ground with chicken and turkey for protein).
It has been an interesting road so far.
And I figured I would share some updates on how things are going. So here are some of the lessons I have learned in my 21days of changing my diet and my life

Lesson 1:
Ignore the scale and the mirror for a while

You know how you, yes YOU will go to the gym once and the next morning you’re looking for the abs or the fatter ass?
Yeahhhh same concept.
I struggle a lot with this because on most days, I would wake up and check myself in the mirror. Mostly because I would always observe my body and make sure everything was still in place and still working.
You know 30+ vibes

But there have been many days where I look at myself and because I don’t see the full sculpted version I have been working on, I briefly get discouraged.
Thankfully I ultimately push through but I can’t help but notice that I struggle with it.
This past weekend, I was at a birthday dinner for one of my really good friends and someone hugged me – touching my torso, they said “oh wow, your work is really showing. I be seeing you go off on IG but you’re killing it”
The next day, I had another event and people again complimented my progress, despite the fact that I was wearing a sweater that hid most of my body.

There is progress – someone asked me recently after complimenting “how much weight have you lost?”
I honestly don’t know and I don’t want to know.
I have found that the scale has been one of the places where my joy had been stolen. So no I do not want to know.
I would rather continue working on myself till I see visible changes that I want like I sleep better, not be short of breath when I run upstairs or I can go longer – hehehe if you know what I mean.
So my lesson for you as well in this time, ignore the scale and the mirror – keep pushing and one day you will look up and love the way you look. I guarantee it – props to you if you got that Men’s Wearhouse reference!

Blurry but Happy!

Lesson 2:
Love on yourself more than you want others to

Positive talk – remind yourself that you are a work in progress and frankly you are doing the work.
For me, I decided that this year and this stretch would be when I change my body for the rest of my life and that means a lot to me. For who I Want to be – for my wife, my kids, my future.

I am trying to be kind to myself in any way possible because like I said, I am doing the work. I realized that my discipline is the biggest gain I can ever get – when it’s all said and done, it won’t be how many pounds lost, it will be how much I’ve proven to myself that I would never give up.
And that is love.
Never giving up on someone or something.

So spend time telling yourself you are awesome and you are great. Remind yourself that you will achieve all that you want to achieve.

Lesson 3:
Celebrate the small wins

Last week on one of those days that didn’t feel so great at the gym, I felt annoyed. I was starting to lose faith in the work I was putting in.
But from somewhere I got the nugget (oh how I miss those!) to focus on the small wins.
That for me looks like in the last 9 days I have typically eaten dinner before 6pm.
Some days are even closer to 4pm.

Yes.
I would eat a decent-sized meal (really small – sample picture below) and just drink water later at night when I get hungry.
There was a day last week when I REALLY wanted to drink Garri with Peppered Turkey but it was 10pm.
I almost gave in but I forced myself to say no. I drank some water, and some green tea and I went to bed.
The next morning, I had a smoothie for brunch and forgot about the night before.

I am cherishing my small wins. The compliments I have been getting from people about looking smaller and my face shrinking. Someone even told me my head was getting smaller. I NEVER knew that was possible.

I urge you to celebrate your small wins AND the big ones too.
What are you currently working on that you can point to as some small wins? Please share them in the comments.

I hope you have a fantastic rest of the week and as always, please share and comment.

Thank you!

Written 4/5/2022 after eating the last batch of beans and chicken for dinner before a call with the Nifty Nine.