#WhatTheHeckMan · #WordsofWednesday

Convenient Christian 3

#WordsOfWednesday

Convenient Christian – 2014
https://wp.me/p3GjtC-l5

Convenient Christian 2 – 2015
https://wp.me/p3GjtC-nE

Convenient Christian 3

I know your word
I remember the stories
The ones I was taught as a toddler
I google verses before I tweet
My love for you is weak
Even though you love me with all my sin
I know your names
Many as they are
But sometimes I am not sure you remember who I am
It’s in the beauty of the love
That you love me regardless of what I have to give
You give me everything and I am nothing without you
So why do I treat you like an option
When you treat me like a priority

I nibble at your love
Like a child picking through their dinner plate
The vegetables are like the meat of your truth
I seem to ignore the commandments that make me feel uncomfortable
The ones that challenge me
But righteous I am on the Twitter pages
Yet finding the book is harder than finding the book of Ruth
Tithing is a pain
Vacationing is a must have
Sex is conditional
My member will rise
But my face will frown at the next church-wide fast
I know how to call on you when I truly need you
Right before that job interview
Or big board meeting

I love to love you in my bio
I display captions as testimonies of your blessings
But do I really worship you for what you give
That which doesn’t seem IG worthy
I’ll make it to the club before 11pm because it’s free
But late into your house because no one can talk to me
The things of the world that don’t love me
Get more love from me
Happiness is fleeting
Because it is not rooted in you
So I show the highlights to the world
But I crave your filling in private
I had your number
Even the password
But I tried to get in half-heartedly so many times
I’ve locked myself out
Open up, please
I may never admit it to the world
But I am in need
Of you

It is not all doom and gloom
Because believe it
Your blessings that I never truly deserve
Still make me a testimony
And that’s why I love you so much
Because you love me
Even when I am faithless and unfaithful
You stand for me
Protect me
You fight for me
Like I am your last asset
You found me
I’m so glad that you found me
Please pull me in closer
Help me focus truly on you
Fill me up
Because no matter how I try to pretend
Bo noo ni.

2016 and 2017, I did not write an edition of Convenient Christian. I started writing it as a reflection on my life, my walk and my journey.
A reminder that my flaws were glaring and my shortcomings were high.
I needed to plainly show how much I was cutting corners.

You probably read it and found yourself in there too.
Some of it stuck, some obviously not but you were in there with me. A convenient Christian.
Paul said “…that which I should do, are the hardest for me to do”
I yearn to be much better than I currently am and I find myself slipping, falling and sometimes just being too damn, yeah you guessed right – convenient.

Over the last few weeks, I have felt a heaviness in my soul.
Not just in my heart, my soul. It was so bad that it crippled my body. I would wake up heavy but empty.
Alive but feeling dead.
Broken and bleeding.

I tried everything. Writing, going out, drinking and other things that typically brought temporary happiness.
Nothing worked.
Until I turned to the surest location.
God.

I cried and felt the weight lifted.
I realized that for a few years, I had been searching for happiness in the wrong things.
My blog, my show, my friendships, follower counts, how many people like me, how much money I was making, how impactful I became.
You see, all of was fleeting. Don’t get me wrong, I would still love to prosper in all those things but after a while, they just never filled me up.

I was going into relationships/friendships/dating with the intention of becoming whole.
Trying to see what they would pour into me, but two people with half-full cups cannot conduct holy communion.
It was never going to work.
It then became a chess match, who was willing to give up their position.
Instead of tapping into an endless well of love and fulfillment.

It was weird yo.
Like I would be so high off something and then this dark cloud would set over me.
Wiping out everything. I have seen depression. We know each other but then I started to think about the last time I was actually truly happy.
Like really really happy. And that made me sad.

Because we don’t see God, it is easy to not take him as serious. Or chop and change what parts of his presence, we want to take seriously.
It is a mistake.
It is insanely important to devote all to him. ALL.
We cut corners, ignore certain parts of the bible or the truth. We fight his word because we know it robs us of the convenience that comes with being average in our walks.
Excuses for everything, I even blamed my church as annoying as they are, as the reason I want going to serve.
Pathetic.

As I write this, this year, it is a damning call to action for me.
I have fucked up.
This year was meant to be my “take back my happiness year”. It has been positive in many notes but flat on others.
This year, this piece is a call to action.
To stand up for what is right. To give up my seat and tough it out.
To be counted.
To step out of the shadows.
To stop being a fucking convenient Christian – sorry Jesus, I’m working on it. I promise.

Will you be stepping out of your convenient position? Any actionable first steps.
Share in the comment section below.

 

I’ll also leave you with this song that has been jolting my heart for a few weeks. The words are everything I love about God.
No one else but…


Bo Noo Ni (feat. Luigi Maclean) by Joe Mettle

Love always,

The Wordsmith.

Thanks for reading as always!

New series out on Saturday!
Please watch this space!

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

#WordsOfWednesday
© 2018 #WhatTheHeckMan

3 thoughts on “Convenient Christian 3

  1. I remember reading the first Convenient Christian post and the conviction i felt after. I did not realize that was back in 2014.
    We have all been here, i just wish people would be more honest like you about this journey and how it can be hard. You want to talk to God, you are crying to get the words out but just feel stuck and then you slowly find yourself drifting further and further away and afraid you may not be able to come back.
    I was a people a pleaser and i lacked confidence, needless to say it was not long before i became depressed and unhappy. I was praised for loving so easily, but people did not realize i didn’t feel love inside.
    It took everything in my life being shattered for me to go back on my knees to God. I started off slowly by listening to gospel radio in the morning, a daily devotional/ scripture a day, then a sermon/podcast a week. The bible app also has a daily streak, which helps keep you motivated to read a scripture a day.
    I am the happiest and most confident i have been in a long time. It took a while to get here and i am so thankful for the struggles because i wouldnt be the strong and resilient individual i am today. And i wouldn’t be here if it wasnt for God. I really can not do this life thing without him.
    We are all in this together and just have to start with small steps. Little drops of water make a mighty ocean.
    Thank you for being so open about your life and journey with us. I know you have touched someones life, somewhere. God bless you.

    Like

  2. I remember reading the first part in 2016 and was brought to my knees in tears as it felt like you were talking about me and to me, then the second part and now this one….
    I’m grateful for how far he’s brought you and where he’s taking you to….
    No one else but you God!
    This is amazing!👍🏼

    Like

  3. Reading this and the comments and knowing that I’m not the only one on this journey is somewhat comforting. I so desperately want to live my life for God. I want to be consumed by His love, not sometimes but ALL the time.
    I was reading ZeeZee’s comment and wo, I’m all too familiar with where she was. Not feeling love inside but constantly wanting to please people thinking that I could live off that satisfaction. I’ve never looked at it as a confidence issue. (Side-eyeing you Sanmi) I just felt that with all the love I had/have to give, I too should be deserving of such love. But ruminating on it, it is a lack of confidence in the love that God has for me and in the love that I have for myself. I didn’t know I was lowkey seeking validation from mere mortals till I sulked in my bed one whole night because of a minuscule issue – which later presented itself as not loving myself enough. Anyway, I digress…
    The last time I was truly happy, filled with joy and contentment was when I was fully devoted to God – I wasn’t cutting corners. I derived joy simply from the fact that I woke up everyday knowing my life was pleasing to Him. I was crazy in love. I had a love life with my Lord.
    Years later and it has become so much harder, a different environment and more life distractions. And it hurts. But I’m not one to give up..
    Waking up a little earlier to read a scripture or two. Thanking Him throughout the day for the most random things. Setting time aside to meditate from time to time. I’m still not where I want to be. Giving up convenience means incorporating discipline – and that we all know is a process.
    Thank you for sharing this. I pray that you and everyone else that feels the same remains encouraged and thrives in their walk with God.

    Like

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