Fear.

#WordsOfWednesday

Fear.

I was circling the area and trying to find a parking spot. I noticed one down the way and drove up to it.
From the driver’s side of my car, I tried to gauge if my car would fit into the spot.
I decided against parking there and drove further down the street. I was so sure there was another spot open.
There wasn’t.
By the time, I came back, yup! You guessed it right?
The spot was gone.
Another car, that looked similar to mine, took the gamble and parallel parked into the spot.
There I was, with nothing.

Fear is not an alien concept to many of us.
It comes from learned behaviors. You touch fire it burns, so you learn to not touch a name flame again.
You fall for a Yoruba man, well I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Fear hinders but it also protects.
People often fail to recognize how much it allows us to safeguard ourselves from hurt.
But is it possible that you can be too guarded that you hurt yourself even more?

I have loved before and been hurt.
More than I would like to admit and more than anyone is willing to understand.
Those heartbreaks sent me into a spiral and it doesn’t help that people never want to travel down your hurt with you. They just want to know why you ungratefully never appreciate the love they have to give you.
I admire people that love freely.
Though they are gamblers. They gamble on their hearts and hope their checks balance.
Some of us, intentionally or otherwise, hold fear. That fear prevents us from gambling recklessly.
People try to act as if love is a sweet easy move.
It’s a choice. A deliberate choice.
But it is also a gamble.
A gamble that it will go right, more than it is likely to go wrong.

Fear drove me to God.
I saw the mistakes my father made and my uncles. All but one of them.
So I pray hard and I try to be careful but that fear has crippled me.
Almost like someone who is a lifeguard, now afraid to even enter the pool.
I think of every step, every angle, every possibility.
Because I am afraid.
Afraid of what love brings and what it doesn’t bring.

I recently called out some folks at a church event for singles and young adults where I said that they romanticize marriage too much.
Everyone has a “happy marriage”!
But we see them, plus the ones whose husband is trying to get in your pants or the aunty that would kill her man, if not that hell was real.
I am afraid of getting it wrong.
I am afraid of not fulfilling my potential or changing the world.
I am afraid of never jumping.
I am afraid that I will never stop being afraid.

What are you afraid of? Comment below, let’s talk.

Thanks for reading as always!

New series out on Saturday!
Please watch this space!

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated.