Tag: Nigerian

Erotica · Fiction · Uncategorized

Mirage 4

adewus4real8 Comments

Mirage 4

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 Follow the writer on Twitter @adewus4real #WhatTheHeckMan

My father stood there motionless. Looking like he had been slapped hard by a Mopol officer. I had to ask the question again.

“What happened between…”

Sandra cut me off

“He heard you”

“Then let him answer”

I snapped back as I stood up.

“Jide, it was a long time ago and I’m not proud of it but yes, it did happen.”

“What happened?!”

As my voice moved through the gears,

“Son, it was in the past and it’s not important”

He looked at me as if to convince me to forgive him instantly.

“You are a disgrace to this family in many ways and I’m embarrassed to be your son!”

I yelled back at him as I stormed out of the house. I wouldn’t speak to my father for another year after that. It just seemed like it was unfair. These men put us in the firing line. I always hoped that I would have one of those family names that I would carry with pride for the great things my father did. This ruined every bit of credibility or respect we had. I was crushed.

I drove to Arewa’s house to inform her of the things I had just found out. I needed to talk to someone I knew could look into my heart and could understand what I was going through.

I pulled up to Arewa’s house and walked in. Sitting in the first living room, I began telling her all I was told and everything my father said. I honestly have played the situation through my head many times but I still cannot understand how it came about that Arewa and I argued before I left her house; single.

The Arewa I knew when overwhelmed would shut down and or run away. It was very hard to take it all in at once and with all that we had gone through recently, she said, 

“This is too much. I just need space… I need a break. I don’t want to do this anymore” 

I was taken aback; confused and angry. 

“What did she mean?!”

We were supposed to stick together. This was a trying time for both of us and she was going to cop out!

I didn’t know when I said 

“Good riddance! You and your family can keep all your bullshit. If you’re going to take away my happiness, I don’t need you. Do whatever you want!” 

I got up and stormed out!

I was fuming but I knew as those words left my mouth that I didn’t mean them and I was probably going to regret them.

A few months would pass by with Arewa and I on this ego-enforced break. We weren’t speaking to each other. Messages to prick at each other were posted on social media pages to make the other feel uncomfortable. One of the ones she had that really got to me was on a day she posted a status saying “New state of mind. God knows where my heart now is”. I felt like she had begun to move on from me and that struck me. My ego would not allow me to initiate contact though. I missed my Queen but I was too proud to beg for her. 

.   .   .     .     .     .

“Arewa my dear. I know it is difficult at the moment but ask yourself. Do you truly love him? Could you really see yourself with anyone else? Will you be able to wake up years from now not next to him? Even if it takes two full years for things to line out, that man loves you and wants no one but you. Arewa mi, don’t let fear, pressures of the world and hurt cloud your true feelings. He loves you and you obviously love him”

I read the conversation between her and her mom encouraging her to come back to me and let us work things out. We had been through a lot for over a six year span since we first met. I knew she was the love of my life. I knew I needed to put my antics in check and make some grown decisions.

I was sleeping after a long day of errands and basketball when I got a call from a mutual friend informing me that Arewa had confronted Suzie at a friend’s BBQ that they were both invited to. Arewa confronted her and told her to back off me and stop being shallow. Basically referencing the messages from Suzie that I had been showing her.

I let the person finish and then turned back into the bed and went to sleep. I wasn’t going to die fighting someone else’s battles. I appreciated Arewa wanting to protect what was hers but never air out our laundry in public; Never. I went about my business when I woke up from my nap and headed to the gym. I was running back from my workout when I noticed Arewa’s car parked on the street in front of my house. I deeply sighed as I halted in my tracks. I slowly began walking towards her car. The sun rays shinning down behind me and into her windshield, I opened the car door and sat down in the passenger seat.

“I see you’re working hard”

She started with trying to break the awkward silence. This was always how she was trying to play off an awkward situation and eventually failing and making it even more uncomfortable. My heart smiled. She was too cute.

“Just trying to make sure I keep my slim figure”

I responded with a smile on my face.

And in a complete turnaround from the Arewa I knew, she apologized.

“I’m sorry for overreacting and leaving. I know how much you hate that. I love you and I know we have things to work on but I love you and I want to be with you and no one else.”

I was taken aback and frankly shocked for a few seconds. I finally gathered the words and said,

“I’m sorry too and I’ve missed you.”

Truthfully by Brymo

 We talked about things ranging from us to our fathers and even Suzie where she explained how she had lost her temper and gone off on Suzie at the BBQ. I wasn’t even going to address that. I told her it was okay and we just needed to move past it all. She agreed. I gave her a kiss on the lips and a long hug. Arewa was back but how much drama was she bringing with her.

I headed out of the car and opened up my gate as Arewa drove off. I stepped into the game and my phone buzzed. I pulled it out and gasped. Arewa had taken her stance and Suzie just dealt her hand, it was going to get bloody.

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News within the Nigerian community travels fast something like an uncontrollable wildfire. It was not long before I was receiving texts asking if I was okay. I was horrified at the move that Suzie had taken. Suzie for refreshers was one of the beautiful but crazy and impulsive women. She was the type that her beauty clouded your vision and practically made you stay when you should have left. She had a horrible temper and I knew that the Instagram post she made was not entirely to ruin me, but was done in the heat of the moment and due to her anger. Women like that have continued to terrify me. I had to be able to trust your judgment and temperament when things get tough. I was shocked.

The whole world now knew about my father and Arewa’s father. That single Instagram post deleted a few minutes later was enough to set the ball rolling. All kinds of conclusions and angles were being drawn out. The fact that our fathers publicly hated each other made it harder for some to believe but for the majority of them, it was the main reason they believed it. In my mind, I kept thinking of how ruined I was.

There I was plotting what to do next with Arewa on Skype. We had to stick together through this one and fight through it together. There was silence over the call with the fire alarm dead battery beep the only thing that was interfering with the empty space between us. I told Arewa I was going to call Suzie. She asked if I was sure and I said I was. I picked up the phone and dialed her number.

It rang about 3 times before she picked up.

“What do you want?”

She asked in a rude tone like I was disturbing her.

Arewa heard it over the Skype call and cringed. She looked furious. I took a deep breath and said,

“Suzie, what was that? What were you trying to prove?”

“Nigga! Don’t come at me sideways. Go and talk to your girl. She was the one that came at me first and I responded. I ain’t no bitch! Someone come at me, I’ll hit them back right where it hurts. Fuck that shit!!”

She ranted on as I interrupted her, now highly irritated…

“Suzie, stop coming for me or my woman or I will bury you and your image in this town.”

“Huh? Nigga what? What the fuck you mean?”

She snapped back.

I continued

“I will just happen to lose my memory card and I cannot be held responsible for whatever happens to the pictures on there… Don’t fuck with me. I have enough to make sure you never get a day in the sun in this town again. Back off!”

Referring to the naked pictures she had sent me.

Click. She hung up. I looked at Arewa and smiled. She looked at me knowing that was handled. We were a team… Fuck whatever obstacles that might have hit us before. Now that we got back together we were impenetrable.

I ended the Skype call and got ready to head out to a meeting when my phone buzzed.

It was Arewa. Her message read

“When all this is over, I want you to delete all her pictures. Thanks”

I smiled and shook my head. Women sha.

.    .    .    .     .     .

The Suzie fiasco had blown over a bit. She was no longer a problem. Breaking down one evening, she called Arewa expressing that what she had with me in the time Arewa and I were broken up felt special to her and how she’ hadn’t had someone care about her that much before. I was touched because she was generally a nice person when she wasn’t being a brat or causing trouble. She and I would eventually talk later months down the road where she apologized for the whole thing but it was a “friendly” reminder that men had to always stay woke. But I also always knew that Suzie was not one to take defeat lightly, I didn’t trust her.

My father had moved down to Arizona with his girlfriend. Away from all the drama and shame. Arewa’s father had resigned from his post and was now looking for new ways like most Nigerian men to make money. He was still actively against Arewa and I being together mentioning it whenever he got the opportunity to people close to us. He was out of the limelight; a complete loner of some sorts.

Arewa had completely cut off her father at this point and was not speaking to him at all.

The shame and reproach that he had brought on her and the rest of the family was too much to bear. In true Arewa fashion, he had to go and go he did.

It was through her yearly routine STI and HIV checkup that it was discovered that Arewa’s iron levels in her blood were dangerously low. It was a difficult thing to hear and with the many ways that it could be treated, the doctor asked that a blood transfusion be the most effective method to be adopted. It was scary but that was a simple prospect that could be handled fairly easily with a donor from her mother.

Arewa and I went over to her mother’s house a few days later to jointly ask her for the blood donation. We didn’t even go there together because it was a big deal. We just happened to have been running errands earlier in the day together. We sat next to each other as I explained the situation to her and let her know why we were there.

“So mummy, we really need your help and after the transfusion Arewa should be fine”

I said. Without responding, Arewa’s mother began to cry. Slowly tears streamed down her cheeks through her tiny tribal marks. She began to sob profusely without saying a word. Confused, Arewa ran to her side and placed her left hand around her.

“Mummy, kilode?”

Asking her what’s wrong.

“Mummy, e ba mi soro. Ki lo se le?”

Arewa gently asked her mother wanting to know more with a concerned look on her face.

For long minutes, she continued to cry without saying anything. I was now sitting on her left side asking her what was going on. It was clear she was hurting; hurting from deep inside. We wanted to help but to fix a problem we knew nothing about? Difficult.

About 12 minutes had passed and still no response. Out of nowhere she gathered herself. Sobbing in Arewa’s arms while sniffling to control her watery nose. She began…

“Arewa my daughter, I love with you all my heart and everything I am in this world but you cannot use my blood. You can’t.”

She began crying again. I wasn’t sure what to say now and I was worried it was going to be something big. Was she dying?

“Arewa omo mi, I am HIV positive.”

She gently said amidst tears as she dropped the bombshell on us. Arewa clutched her tighter and looked up at me in shock.

.   .   .   .   .   .

“Mummy, what are you saying?”

Arewa asked as her voice shook. The tone had moved from concern to fear and sadness.

“How did this happen?”

Arewa continued.

“It’s your father”

She replied.

“I discovered shortly before you were born and have nursed it for years. I am grateful to God for protecting me this whole while and preserving my life”

She sat up to continue explaining

“Your father and I’s marriage was planned by our parents without my consent. There had been some sort of agreement between my father and your dad’s family. I was married off to him right after my A-levels back then. It was after our wedding that I discovered that he was into men. I told my mother back then who told me that there were many cases like that but I should stay and just have kids and not embarrass the family name. I stayed and got pregnant with you. I thought it was God’s way of showing his mercies on me. Who was I to complain?

He has been with various men over time since we married. I discovered I was infected before you were born and I knew you were a blessed child and I named you Arewaoluwa (the beauty of the Lord). Specifically the beauties in the works of the Lord when the doctors told me you were born without the virus. I am sorry I never told you but I never wanted to expose your father and hurt you…”

Arewa and I sat there in shock as she concluded. This was big…Really big.

There was a sense of relief allied with concern when Arewa asked her mother

“So how have you been living the past years?”

 “By God’s grace…”

Her mother responded. And that was truly why living that long and also with Arewa not carrying the virus was a miracle; one that we were both extremely grateful for.

That news brought comfort to Arewa’s mother because she was able to tell the truth to her best friend but I truly believe that the news only served to harden Arewa’s heart against her father.

I left that night heading back to my apartment as Arewa decided to spend the night with her mother and cheer her up. Sitting in my car, I thought about the last few months and just thought to myself What The Heck Man?

.   .     .     .     .     .

A few months had passed and it was beginning to seem like things had balanced out. There had been many changes. Arewa had moved closer to me after getting a new job, my father and I were talking again and Arewa’s parents were in the middle of a divorce.

Arewa had a real hatred for her father now and it scared me because I wanted her to forgive him. Even for all the pain he had caused he was still family and love was still meant to be afforded to him.

Every time I brought him up, she would shut him down. One day I brought up him potentially walking her down the aisle. She snapped at me and stormed out. I was from then on, extremely nervous about bringing him up again.

In my humble opinion there are three times a man feels as nervous as I knew I would be soon. Standing outside the waiting room of a hospital while your wife is delivering, the moment when she’s walking down the aisle towards you at the wedding and the actual act of proposing. In every one of those situations, you know that you influenced the act or the situation but then all the control is transferred to her. She gets to decide whether to say yes or not, it’s all up to God and her if she comes out of that waiting room alive. You just stand powerless and hopeful that you get the outcome that you really want.

I was walking through the mall, swerving and avoiding people as I made my way towards the jewelry store. I pulled up in front of the Kay Jeweler’s store and took a deep breath. I was going to make this decision, like take the first step towards doing it. I was going to ask Arewa to spend the rest of her life with me.

“Good evening sir. What brings you in today?”

A beautiful young lady in the tightest clothing I had seen in a while. I was confused for a second, I thought the plan was to help people get married and not get tempted to wander because my eyes were currently searching down her cleavage with her open top button of her shirt.

“A ring”

I responded with a nervous smile on my face.

“Aww! The big one I see”

She responded with a smile and continued by leading me towards a show glass filled with different kinds of rings.

“What’s your range and do you have a specific type in mind?”

She asked politely.

“About $3,000 – $5,000”

I answered as she began pointing to the shining and heart pulsing cabinet of rings. I pointed to and checked out a few of them knowing fully well that l I was making the right decision but that little bit of nervousness continued to jump towards me.

About 3 hours later I was walking out of the store with no ring in hand. I didn’t choke, they were going to polish the diamond at my request and properly size it to fit. I wasn’t about to let her wear it and then drop it down the sink. Shit. You drop a $5000 ring into the sink; you better turn into a tiny person and jump after it into the sink. God punish devil.

All In ft. Manifest by Camp Mulla

About two weeks later Arewa and I were out by the shoreline in Monterey, CA. Our hotel by the waterfront, it was beautiful. Arewa had no idea why we were out there. I had lied and asked for a vacation citing that we needed a break from all the craziness which we did. Arewa bought it easily.

The second night of our stay there while we had returned from touring the traveling Smithsonian exhibit that was on display at the local museum, I got ready for dinner and left while Arewa slept in the bed.

I left a note next to her telling her where to meet me for dinner.

About two hours later, she joined me at the restaurant while I had caught the playoff game on TV at a local bar. She looked beautiful as she walked in. I was just captivated by her beauty and her smile. This was my woman. She sat across from me as I repeatedly tried to prevent my eyes from undressing her. Leaving dinner we headed out to the beach, it was now past midnight and it was no coincidence. I held her left hand while she held her shoes in her right hand as we walked the coastline together. Reminiscing about the times, the pain, the memories from Oge to Suzie, our fathers, her health scare; we covered it all. She actually said the words “we have been through so much together and we have resisted the trials”.

That was my cue, I stopped and looked at her. Getting down on my left knee, I looked up to her face which was filled with surprise and happiness. I began to speak…

“Walking on the edge of the levy

Hand in hand

Dreams in our hearts

We started this a while back

Time has flown by like the leaves during the spring shedding

We have grown so much together

But the love has stayed the same

You are a fire that burns in my soul

An able partner in this journey through life

And quest for happiness

Our imperfections together are

Perfections in progress

You are a true winner

A fighter determined to be the best

Your beauty is divine

Your smile captures my heart

Your body is a work of art Michelangelo would have been honored to see

I’m the lucky guy

That fate brought to an angel like you

I remember when you wrote our names in the sand

The water came and washed it away

Not our love

But it washed our love into a sea of peace and happiness

Where we can float together as one, 4 ever

To you I want to give my heart

With you I want to grow old

I don’t want the go another second in this world without knowing

That I belong to you and you to me

You have captivated my world

You are my Queen

Come and rule in my heart

And foster great generations with me

Arewa mi, will you make the happiest man in the world and share my plantains forever?

Arewa, will you marry me?

.     .     .     .     .     .

Folake, Mary, Iyanu, Itunu, Tumininu, Oluwatoyin; I couldn’t set my mind a particular one but I knew I had to soon. I pushed the trolley through the supermarket both my hands on the handles, I looked down at my finger now decorated with my band and my soon to be one and a half year old prince; Olaoluwa (the only name both our fathers were able to agree on from different ends of the world). Arewa’s father had finally moved back to Nigeria and mine was still in Arizona.

Arewa joined me at the end of the aisle rubbing her protruding belly. We were expecting again. She had given me a family, a home, true love. I was thankful for her and our journey together. Through the sea of adversity, she helped me towards happiness, navigating through the strong currents of life’s adversities. Arewa was it for me. She was everything and I could only hope that my daughter would be just as amazing as she was.

We reached the counter and I pulled out my wallet to pay just as Suzie walked in. She stole a smile before Arewa noticed and I smiled back. Arewa looked up and frowned.

“Debit or credit?”

The cashier asked as I put my card back into my wallet.

I turned around and noticed Arewa with a confused and angry look on her face. I looked down at her hand. I had felt this feeling before. The one where it seemed like my entire world was about to crash. Sitting in her palm, she had a condom. I looked down and it and then back up to her face. She composed herself and asked

“Jide, what the heck….?”

 

LEAVE ME A COMMENT. LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU LIKED OR LOVED. lol about MIRAGE 1-4. Do ittttt!!! 

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Lookout for my new story EMPTY next week. I hope you enjoyed Mirage. Want more Mirage? What happens next? Leave me a comment below.

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Till you read again. Ask the next guy/gal, #WhatTheHeckMan

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Erotica · Fiction · Uncategorized

Mirage 3

adewus4real11 Comments

Mirage 3

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Follow the writer on Twitter @adewus4real #WhatTheHeckMan

I kept reading the message again, over and over hoping that it was typed out wrong. Sure enough, it was still the same message,

Suzie: 2:16pm “Here you go boo. I hope you are ready to pound this round ass. I can’t wait till she leaves so I can have you to myself. Hope to see you soon. XOXO”

 krewella-come-and-get-it

Every time I read the message, I felt like someone kicked my testicles into my stomach and simultaneously punched them back out. Only a soccer player who has been hit with the ball from close range can really relate to what that kind of confused and inconceivable pain must feel like.

 I woke up that next morning like my world had ended. I was sure that I had lost Arewa for good. I was now more worried about my reputation. Arewa was the type connected the entire circle in some sort of way. She had friends in your circle, grew up with some or was basically like family with someone in your group. She knew everyone and was loved by everyone. She was never the type to make you look bad for any gain but if her best friends knew what had happened, well I couldn’t vouch for what any of those women would do.

I drove over to Arewa’s that evening after her parents had gone to work hoping that I would be able to talk to her. I had nothing planned. I didn’t know how to start to beg and thinking of her feelings just made me sad on the inside. I was at a loss.

I arrived at her house and knocked.  It took a few minutes as I heard her brother ask if he should let me in or not.  A few moments later the door opened and it was another brother; one that actually really liked me. He let me in with a handshake and a look on his face that sort of said, “Make it right bro”.

I went up the stairs to Arewa’s room. It was dark as she had the blinds closed and was watching an Indian movie with an almost empty bottle of wine on the floor right next to her.

 “What are you doing here?”

She asked with disgust and irritation battling for recognition in her voice.

I began explaining myself. I told her how we had started texting and talking over the phone and how I hadn’t done or said anything to warrant that kind of message. She seemed to be buying the story. I swear I was surprised but I think it was the fact that I came clean and told her exactly what she wanted to know. I was always of the opinion that the truth doesn’t set you free with women, it only takes you out of one problem and still potentially into another.

I then made the mistake when she asked me why I didn’t just talk to her. I accidentally worded my response as if to blame her absence and travels for my actions. Arewa lost it! She literally snapped and began cursing me to get out.

“Leave! I never want to see you again!” 

I was trying to figure out how to stay calm and at the same time encouraging Arewa to lower her voice. She then increased it and asked her brothers to kick me out. Knowing our relationship, her brother’s could not bring themselves to kick me out of the house. She was calling me all sorts of names while it seemed like she wanted blood. She was very angry. At one point I almost lost my temper but I was quickly put in check when Arewa threw her phone at me in an attempt to have me. With my own dignity, I left that evening and wondered if there would ever be an “US” again.

.    .    .    .    .    . 

I hadn’t text, called or heard from her in a short while. Since the incident at her house, I needed a couple of days of space. It was a surprise to me when Arewa texted and asked to meet up; in a public place.

The park down the street was private enough to have a conversation without being disturbed but also public enough for someone to save me, if the need arose.

Arewa was more than justified to be upset but I was more upset at the fact that she did not understand that I never touched the girl nor did I have plans to.  But Arewa like most women did not think that far ahead. The message coming into my phone was a sign of infidelity and unfaithfulness regardless of what I had done.

Arewa walked out of her car with a blanket and headed for the grassy field.

“Where are we going?”

I asked.

“Just come…” 

She responded.

We ended up sitting on the grass and she went straight to the point and asked,

“Would you have fucked her?”

“No.”

I answered, looking at her and trying to make eye contact.

Arewa knew who I was and what I would do and that which I would simply avoid.  And then she said,

“I’m not sorry I lost my temper but I am sorry for involving my younger brothers. That was wrong of me and I am sorry.”

I also apologized for my deeds after she had made me vow to never contact Suzie again. It was an easy requirement to agree to because I knew who actually meant something to me.

Nightfall slowly crept over the sky and engulfed it. The streets lights went on and fewer cars roamed the streets.

I remember we began talking about how we had both missed each other and how these fights that lasted multiple days were unhealthy. I pulled her in closer to me as it began to get colder. My left hand became very happy as her soft skin touched mine. I wanted to feel everything. I laid her down on her back and began kissing her.

“Jide, there are people here!” 

She said referring to another couple in a similar position like us across the soccer field. I looked at them and responded,

“Who cares? They don’t know us”

That was definitely my small brain between my legs talking but I wanted her. It was as if I needed to get out all of the frustrations; we needed to make up.

 I slowly crept under the blanket and began to work my tongue around her thighs. She was squirming and asking me to reconsider what I was doing because of the location. I didn’t pay any attention to her as I placed my now hot tongue gently in her wetness. Slurping up her dripping juices, I was out to ensure that nothing was left behind and my thirst was well taken care of.  In her normal fashion to control the intensity of my tongue, she placed her hands on my head but I continued determined to have her moan my name. I carried on working my tongue into her like I was searching for an apology from inside her. She was wet. Under the blankets, my head was covered in sweat as I slowly rose up and pulled out my member to welcome him to the party.

Slowly I lowered myself into her. Shifting my body to gently be consumed by her tightness. I was covered in her juices and the warmth from between her legs sent a warming sensation down my spine. I could feel it as she clutched my back and dug her nails in direct response to every thrust into her. I began to speed up the movements and her moans became louder. Now, she was the one who didn’t care as I asked her to keep her voice down. The couple sitting across the field was definitely getting a show, they might not have been able to see us but just hearing the moans was enough for someone to enjoy.

I turned her over to hit it from the back. My favorite spot being my weakness as I grabbed her waist and pounded into her, I knew I was going to explode soon and she was ready for it. A few moments later, we were slumped next to each other kissing and cuddling under the stars. We had overcome Suzie, for now but bigger tests lay ahead.

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.    .    .    .    .    . 

Her monthly cycle was either late or it wasn’t coming at all. It had been about a week and there were still no signs of her menstrual cycle.

I wasn’t freaking out about it because everyone has at least one pregnancy scare along the way in a relationship when there is unprotected sex. I wasn’t entirely sure if I had released into her or not but I went ahead to the store and picked up the pregnancy test and headed back to her house. The whole time I had played us having sex in the closet of her parent’s room and having to rush out over and over again in my head. I remember cumming but I don’t remember it being inside her. I felt like I pulled out before I did, but who knows? It was all very wet down there.

What if she was pregnant though? What would happen then? Will I have to marry her?

We were actually able to start a family financially but who would want to bring a child into such a volatile family environment when the heads of both households couldn’t stand each other? I pulled into the driveway and rushed into the house. Arewa’s cousins were still visiting so it was a full house.  One of her younger cousins had clogged the shared bathroom upstairs leaving only the bathroom downstairs. Reluctant to use her parent’s bathroom upstairs, Arewa headed into the bathroom to take the test. She returned a few minutes later with a slight smile on her face.

“Well at least I’m not pregnant but I still don’t feel good and I don’t know why…”

She said gently behind her smile while clutching her stomach. I smiled and breathed a sigh of relief before concern covered my face and I replied,

“That’s strange. What else could it be babe?”

“You know I don’t know!”

She seemed to snap as she responded.

 “I’m going to take a walk” 

I said okay as she put her coat on and walked out into the evening chill. I wasn’t going to go after her; this wasn’t one of those moments. She just had to take space. This was classic Arewa. When frustrated or irritated, her first instinct was to walk away from the situation and then calm down or gather herself to address later or never at all. I found out later that she just had an ongoing allergic reaction to the new almond milk, she had added to her new diet.

I was heading home that evening thinking, our personalities were perfect for each other and a belief that when the time was right, we would actually be very good parents. It was a warming feeling to know that I was in love with a woman so dedicated to caring for others, passionate about her goals and a rock for me. Her Yoruba and pidgin English definitely still needed work but I knew she was the one. I just hoped that God would perfect us for each other in due time because if not, they would sell her in Nigeria in a heartbeat and she would never see it coming.

The music I was playing from my phone stopped as I looked at the phone; it was Arewa.

“How you feeling baby?” 

I answered as I parked my car at home. I was madly in love with this woman.

.   .    .    .   .   . 

“Classic Egg’s Benedict?”

The waiter asked and I raised my hand to indicate that it was mine.

“And the vegetarian omelet for you…” 

He continued as he placed the plate in front of her Arewa.

“Enjoy your meal.”

He added as he walked away. I remember making fun of her food like I always did. Her dedications to her healthy eating habits were quite amusing from no sugars to no carbs, to only fruit diets. She was on some new regimen every two weeks. I was mostly fine with all her diets unless it affected my personal meals. That’s when I would become defensive like the time she asked that I no longer fry plantain and strictly keep them boiled. I was both baffled and disrespected. Like did she know what plantain meant to me?!

Breakfast was great with her as usual. She was actually feeling better and had an appointment with her doctor the next day to find out why she still felt weird inside. On our way back from the restaurant, we stopped by a family owned furniture place to look at items for my new apartment I was about to acquire. I remember falling love with this couch because it was a his and hers set that allowed us to sit next to each other watching TV or doing whatever but being next to each other. Many men would run from that prospect but I was drawn to the idea that whenever she was over, we would sit and share each other’s space together.

 I wasn’t exactly sure what song was playing but I remember one was playing as we pulled up to Arewa’s house as I was dropping her off because she complained about the volume. I parked behind her car on the street in front of her house. She pointed out that her father was home and his best friend was there with his car parked next to her dads. We spoke for a few minutes and she gave me a kiss when I headed out of the car. I watched her walk into the house like I always did whenever I dropped her off. I was about to leave and wanted to respond to the text messages I had gotten which I was doing when I heard a huge bang on my passenger side window.

Startled and shocked, my phone flew out of my hand and I turned to find out what was happening. There was a running person to the driver side of the car… it was Arewa’s father! He had rage in his eyes and fumes blowing out his ears. I was quick enough to press down the auto-lock buttons on the door ensuring that he could not make it in into the car. He was yelling at the top of his lungs,

“I will kill. You want to ruin my daughter’s life. I will end you!!” 

I was confused. Arewa was now standing on the passenger side telling her father to stop but he didn’t. He practically ignored her standing there and just continued screaming at me. I was turning around in the car expecting someone to tell me that it was a joke. Some of the neighbors had come out of their houses to play nosy-parkers and I was now becoming extremely embarrassed and angry. I wanted to react but I didn’t even know what I was reacting to. 

“What did I do?”

I was finally able to yell out at her father.

“You this useless boy is trying to get my daughter pregnant!” 

My mind immediately flashed to the pregnancy test and the fact that Arewa had used the bathroom downstairs. I would find out much later that it was her dad’s best friend that went to use the bathroom and noticed it. He then pointed it out to Arewa’s dad who flew right off the handle and came straight for my blood.

“Abi e ma wo omo olori buruku yi… O fe ba’ye mi je?”

 He cursed in Yoruba, consciously acknowledging the presence of the neighborhood crowd now spectating at the madness of the only “black house” on the street.

He basically called me a cursed person trying to ruin his life by getting his only daughter pregnant. I knew I wasn’t going to make it out of there and then I realized that I was in my car. I quickly started the engine and snapped it into reverse and tried to drive off. He was holding onto the car as I made the turn. I floored the gas as I sped away. I could see him motioning in my rearview mirror as I drove off. It was then I noticed myself shaking.

“What just happened?”

.   .   .   .   .   .

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.    .    .    .    .    .

Down  by Brymo

It had been almost a full week of short, cold responses and ignoring Arewa completely. I was still furious. News had travelled around town that I was almost killed by my girlfriend’s father for giving her herpes. Like What The Heck Man?!

That wasn’t even what happened but trust Nigerians. The story was bound to be different from the truth. I just wanted to be left alone. I was reeling from the pain and the confusion that came from that incident.

As much as I loved Arewa, I was extremely angry at her carelessness for leaving the box in the bathroom. She tried to apologize and make it up to me but I was furious. That was such an irresponsible thing to do. It was like me leaving the condom wrapper on the floor after we had sex. I would never do that. I tried to play that weekend over and over in my head to see how I could have avoided it. There was no way that made sense. I never saw the whole thing coming.

Going out was a struggle. I just wanted to be indoors till it all blew over. I was hoping for something, anything in the Nigerian community to take the focus away from me. A death, wedding proposal, new born or even a deportation story…  Anything…. I just needed something!

I was watching soccer highlights on my computer when I received an email on my Mac. It was from a member of the Men’s Association that my father and Arewa’s father were part of.

He began by telling me that he understood my feelings and was sad to see me going through that public embarrassment. He included his number and asked me to call him whenever I had a chance because there was something he wanted to talk to me about.

About twenty minutes later, a man that I recognized his voice answered the phone and introduced himself. I did not know the name very well but I definitely knew the voice. He started off by telling me that what he was about to tell me was confidential and I had to make sure that it was never traced back to him. I promised.

He told me he was doing it to make sure I stopped both families from causing pain and heartbreak for Arewa and I.

He began telling me about the hatred between both our fathers. I began to reconsider the phone call. I knew all of this. This was old news to me. And then he began to hit the good parts. He told me about how I was sent to Nigeria for school, around the time the government was investigating my father for tax fraud a few years prior. He carried on to say that my father served 16 months in the prison that Arewa’s father worked in at the time. I began to sit up straight.

Arewa’s father and my dad apparently became involved with each other with her father sneaking my dad out for “sessions” in the break room. He said it was a regular thing that the staff did with the inmates and our father’s hit off their relationship easier because they were from the same part of Nigeria. My eyes grew bigger, my heart raced, I could feel my pulse in my ear. What The Heck Man?!?!?!?!

He continued that the relationship went along for about 7 months until my father and some other inmates ganged up to snitch on the staff for early releases.  Arewa’s father never knew that my father was part of the people that snitched. All he knew was that his dirty supervisor, who covered his ass by not blatantly firing him, suspended him for a year from the department. The suspension gave him the opportunity to still get a job later, which he would eventually do.

I was shaking now. This man was making very serious claims about two men which could potentially ruin them.

He continued by telling me that the hatred between Arewa’s father and mine only started when Arewa’s father found out through another inmate that my father had planned the whole thing from the beginning. The meeting, the relationship and the exposure; it was his get out of jail early ticket.  He said that Arewa’s father had confronted my father at the Nigerian committee elections and my father had told him that he needed to stop threatening him or he would tell the whole world about what really happened.  Since then, they have played enemies to ensure that none of them ever had to tell the story.

 The man stopped talking. My mouth was ajar. I was shocked. My father and the father of the woman I love had sexual relations?! I did not know what to say.

I slowly gathered my speech and asked the man how I was supposed to believe everything he said.  He coughed and said,

“My son is the doctor at the prison your father served time in. He told me everything he saw and heard. The reason this must not be traced back to me is to protect my son, not really me.”

I thanked him and hung up the phone.  For about 45 minutes I sat on the couch in that same spot processing everything I had just heard. Tears began rolling down my eyes. I wasn’t sure why I was hurt but I was.  I felt betrayed.

It took me a minute to gather myself and when I finally did, I set out to get the facts straight. I knew my father’s medical information, so I hopped on my laptop and keyed it in. The man was right. My father had visited the hospital with a genital rash and had tests done to rule out STI’s.

My hand was covering my mouth in shock. I wanted to cry out louder but didn’t know how. Arewa and I had been focusing on the wrong things, like a mirage we thought the problem was just the hate between our fathers but we never truly knew what we were dealing with. There was a desert of lies that our fathers had led us into and left us for dead with no hope that our love would survive. My thoughts circle back as I heard the garage door rise as my dad and his girlfriend arrived. They walked into the house talking about something and that was when I dropped the bomb.

Directly I asked my father,

“What happened between you and Mr Amusan? Specifically while you were in jail…”

 My father stopped dead in his tracks. Sandra, his girlfriends eyes lit up, I sat up straight. He never esperred it, I needed the truth or it was going to be a deadly day.

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Mirage 2

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Mirage 2

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Follow the writer on Twitter @adewus4real #WhatTheHeckMan

 

Arewa rushed into the garage with her finger over her mouth motioning me to keep the noise level down and head out through the side door. I was feeling crazy as she planted a quick kiss on my face and pushed me out of the house. It was a close call. I stayed at the side of the house and put my clothes on. Somewhere in all my nervousness I must have timed myself wrong because as I walked out the side gate to my car, Arewa’s father walked out the front door. We both stopped in our tracks, stared at each other.

“Good evening sir..”

I sheepishly muttered thinking I had been caught and my life was about to be over.

“What are you doing here?!”

He questioned with a hint of anger in his voice.

He seemed upset but it was evident that he didn’t know that I’d just come from inside his house.

“I heard Arewa was home sir, so I wanted to say hi…”

I replied.

“No she is not! Go home”

He snapped back at me. I bowed my head to fake disappointment and walked towards my car. A slow smile parted my face. I had escaped!

.    .    .    .    .    .

A few weeks later, Arewa told me about this internship program she had gotten in San Diego. She said it would last for 3 months and that her father had been pressuring her to do it. She expressed that it was clear that he was just trying to get her out of my vicinity, but she’d agreed to do it. The experience was going to be great for her but I was more concerned about the separation. I feared the effects of the distance. I was sure she would learn a lot but we were going to be losing a lot too. My biggest and most secure confidant being far away from me was something I was not prepared for but I was willing to show support because I loved her. It was truly hard.

I acted out and intentionally argued with her over everything. It was my way of expressing that I was nervous about her going even as much as I loved her. I think the fear I had stemmed from some form of insecurity that what if she found someone else where she was going or realized that she wanted more from a man that I could not give her.

The plans for her move continued to fall into place and soon she was ready to leave.

A few nights before, Arewa called and asked me to accompany her on the10 hour drive down to San Diego. I asked about her parents. She explained that she had convinced them that a friend (a girl) would be driving down with her. I was glad. I immediately booked a return ticket and began to pack. A few nights later, we were on the road. We were about 3 hours into the drive as Arewa was fast asleep. I could feel her waking up as I was beginning to doze off. I had the music on full blast to help keep myself awake. She reached for the volume knob and turned the music down wanting to have a conversation. It initially helped to keep me awake but then I began to fall asleep as she spoke. She noticed it and began to poke me. I absolutely hated being poked at or pinched. I looked towards her direction as she began to get frustrated at her failed attempts to keep me awake. I ran my hand along her cheek and assured her that it was not her fault and that I was just tired. The next song came on and I continued to fight the sleep. The next thing I knew, Arewa reached over and began to unbuckle my belt. I was confused but my member got the message loud and clear as he began to rise to the occasion.

She pulled my briefs down and pulled him out, taking all of him into her mouth. She was working her warm tongue all over my shaft. I was definitely awake now! The problem I was having now was trying to stay focused on the road. She was slurping her spit as she worked from tip to base caressing my balls in her hand as she worked. The car was swerving as I struggled to maintain focus. I didn’t even realize when I sped right under a bridge, straight past a highway patrol officer that was parked there. As soon as I drove past him, he hopped on the freeway and began following me. He tailed for a little over a mile before turning on his signal lights flashing us to stop. The only problem here was that I told Arewa and she did not stop. I was about to run mad. I pulled over to the side of the road. A mixture of the possibility that we would be caught plus the wonders her tongue was working on my hard member had me on the brink of ejaculating. The officer waited a few minutes before coming out of his car; he must have been running the plates. In that time, I exploded a full load of hot silk into Arewa’s wanting throat. The officer was now walking towards us. Arewa took on her last lick and quickly covered my pants with her sweater. The officer walked up to her side of the car and peered through the window. Arewa greeted him as she wiped her mouth of all the fluid. The officer realizing the situation smiled and asked us where we were headed. I told him and he smiled again. He told us to be careful and drive safe before walking back to his car. Arewa had the biggest “dirty girl” grin on her face. She knew she was bad and that was part of why I loved her. She planted a kiss on my cheek and whispered in my ear…

 

Bad Bad Bad – G.R.I.P Boiz

 

“Now stay awake or I’ll have to go back for round two.”

My member rose instantly.

.   .    .    .   .    .

It had been 3 months without my baby but she was back. Her internship was the success we all thought it would be but I was beyond pleased that she was home. We had missed dinner dates, movies, walks and cuddling. I loved cuddling with her when we locked our legs together as we slept. It just felt right!

That weekend, we decided to have dinner and a movie. I always hated the order of things when it came to that because I would eat dinner first and then sleep through the entire movie. So I asked for dinner to be after the movie and she agreed.  She was late as always getting ready for me to pick her up. We got to the movie theater later than scheduled and found out that the tickets for that particular showing time were sold out. The next movie started about 45minutes later. We basically had time to kill. Seeing as we hadn’t had any sex in a while we decided to go to the empty secluded parking lot next to the movie theater. The plan was to have a quickie and head back to watch the movie but I should have known better; it was Arewa after all, my undercover freak.

We pulled into the parking lot with the movie theater behind us and some residential homes to the right of us. I made sure we were parked closest to the wall to prevent the people on the second level in the home being able to look into the car.  It was a proper beat up 92 or 93 Lexus. The right rear side was bashed in from a hit and run she had been involved in a while back. The leather seats that burned butts and backs in the summer heat were the bed for the afternoon. We both crawled into the back seat without coming out of the car. I pushed the seats forward as she slid her sweat pants down preparing for me. She looked at me as I turned around as if to let me know that I had work to do. Her first kiss set the tone. It was wet, hot and inviting as her left hand pulled my head in towards her body that was now laying down into the back seat. I kissed back; my tongue swirling in her mouth as our body used our mouths as a mixer for the dicey cocktail it was preparing. I let my left hand head down south to drown in her wetness while my right hand travelled back to unhook her bra.  Every motion executed perfectly without breaking our now workout worthy make out session. I pulled back and looked deeply into her eyes. I was in love with Arewa. This wasn’t some Romeo and Juliet type of thing but it was damn near close. She was all I wanted and I was all she wanted. At least that was what our bodies were saying. I worked my left index finger in the fastest motion I could think of. She was moaning into my mouth as my lips trapped the sounds. I let my mouth go and placed her left breast in my mouth and gently nibbled on her rock hard nipples. I slowly kissed her navel as I worked my way down to her chocolate factory. I could hear the dripping, as I got closer. She was dripping and my tongue began to water. I planted kisses around her pink making sure to avoid her clit and then she did one of the sexiest things a woman had ever done to me. She placed both her hands behind my head and pressed it onto her clit forcing me to approach and begin to dominate. I twirled my tongue from side to side waiting to find my rhythm and then it came. I could feel her juices covering my barely visible moustache. She tasted so good. Like expensive milk chocolate that melted in your mouth on the first touch of the tongue. Sigh, it was magical.

After about 10 minutes of making her squirm and her yelling out how much she hated me because I was making her cum, I straightened up my body and slipped the condom on. I was ready to dig in.  I parted her legs and placed them on my shoulders as I guided my rock hard member into her. She moaned with her tone asking me to be gentle. I slowly went in and out covering my shaft with her wetness. Fully lubricated, I began to pace my thrusts. Each one deeper than the last, I was going to make her feel me in places she never knew possible. She was looking at me for dear life as I grabbed her neck with both hands and continued to dig into her totally dripping body. We were literally dripping in sweat at that point. She was yelling out obscenities, as she knew I was intentionally stroking deeper and deeper. I had her turn around for a change in position as she poked her ass up to me. I held both cheeks apart and slowly slid back in. She attempted to grab into the seat belt straps but I think she realized the waste of effort it would be as I was clearly driving her over the edge.  I wanted to cum so I began to pick up the pace. She wasn’t going to let that happen. She had me lay on my back and then she got on my member standing upright and began riding. Her booty clapping on my dick was beyond amazing and it was driving me nuts! I was saying all kinds of crazy shit and then she pulled my pulsing member out of her your pussy and started sucking it. All her pussy juices off my hard cock and she went on to suck my balls too! Oh yeah! She took me to the brink of explosion and then she rose up and positioned her wetness on my member and began riding again. I grabbed her hair while she screamed calling me “daddy” and telling me to “fuck her harder!”

 

She could tell that I was nearing my climax as I had both my hands on her waist as she continued to bounce up and down. She knew it was very close as I went completely silent to focus on my imminent explosion. She bounced her juicy ass with precision, ensuring that each stroke was full and deep as her juices flowed onto my balls. It only took a few more thrusts and then I heard her say,

“Cum inside me baby. Blow that load inside me! I want to feel you”

I exploded inside her just as she had asked. We lay there on the leather seats, drenched in sweat and barely fitting onto the seat. She placed her head on my chest as she complained about a cut she felt on her knee. It must have come from the seat belt clip when I had her on all fours. I apologized for it and promised her some frozen yogurt. The car windows were entirely fogged up as we joked that we couldn’t tell if it was still bright outside the car.  And then it dawned on both of us! We had forgotten entirely about our movie. But hell, we had just made the R-rated version and it was steamy.

.    .    .    .    .    .

Arewa by Sean Tizzle

Arewa and I had been fighting a lot lately. It was nearing the end of the semester and the stress was starting to get to both of us. We weren’t talking on the phone as much. A full day would pass and maybe one phone call would be exchanged between us. I was starting to feel under appreciated and somewhat forgotten. I found myself spending most of my nights speaking to Suzie; one of our mutual friends. We had gotten close after Arewa moved. Her boyfriend was in a different state and it seemed like we just got each other. I was never planning on having sexual relations with her but with time a lot of flirting drifted into our conversations. One day I accidentally sent a message intended for Suzie to Arewa. I played it cool and lied my way out of the situation but I knew Arewa was now suspicious of me and wanted to get to the bottom of things. Completely forgetting that she had the password to our joint phone account, Arewa logged on and documented my call logs with Suzie. Women snoop… they’re the greatest detectives alive! She confronted me and accused me of cheating. I was able to deny it because I knew she was speaking of physical cheating but I knew I was emotionally cheating. I felt bad about Arewa having to feel like there was another woman and I tried to cut off Suzie but it was hard. I was in too deep.

One afternoon, we were driving around town as Arewa was visiting. The conversation somehow led to my relationship with Suzie and how she knew that it had not ended, I vehemently denied it. The entire time, my phone was buzzing in my pocket. Arewa must have sensed something with that famed intuition of women and somehow she cornered me into having to prove to her that it was not Suzie texting me. I was screwed. I tried to give some flimsy excuse about how having to show her my phone meant she didn’t trust me. She was starting to buy my bs when my phone buzzed again, I knew it was Suzie. I just felt it in my bones. Arewa snatched the phone with speed.  She opened the message and her jaw dropped. She turned at me and glared. For about 10 seconds she didn’t say a single word and then right when I was about to start speaking, she threw my phone right at me and told me to get out. We were in the middle of nowhere and she asked me to leave. I walked out of her car with my briefcase and jacket. I opened the message as she sped away. I was right… It was Suzie. The message was enough to break a marriage.  It was an image with a message that was totally not needed and certainly unexpected. It read…

Suzie: 2:16pm “Here you go boo. I hope you are ready to pound this round ass. I can’t wait till she leaves so I can have you to myself. Hope to see you soon. XOXO”

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I felt my knees give way under my body. I knew I was fucked.

Gbege by Charass

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Amnesia 3

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Amnesia 3

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Nina Simone- Do I Move You

 

“What happens if I can’t be the man you need?” I asked.

“Do I move you?” I continued.

She turned to her right side and placed her soft left hand on my right cheek, looking searchingly into my eyes as if to make sure I believed every word she said. She started,

“Andrew, I love you and I want to be with you. I have known I have wanted you for the longest. You are what I want…”

My heart melted as I closed my eyes as she ran her hand through my freshly trimmed hair. I leaned in and planted a kiss on her lips and then another on her forehead. This is what I wanted. I had needed to feel this kind of love. The type that makes a man secure within his body and at home with his insecurities. I knew Audrey made me feel safe. The connection we had shared for years was phenomenal. In many ways I always felt like she completed me but I was never ready to admit it.

.   .   .   .   .

Everything was starting to gel and then the unthinkable happened. Audrey’s mother who had been terminally ill passed away and her father had now taken ill too. Audrey had to move back home across the country to take care of him. My support system was gone. Talking on the phone and Skype was not the same and sooner rather than later, it was hard to keep up. Working, taking care of her father and then me, it was all too much for her. I was the one that got dropped. Audrey was also dealing with her own bouts of depression and guilt in feeling like she let her parents down by globetrotting the world for her career. She never really stayed around to give back to them for all they did for her.

When I returned from the funeral, I spiraled out of control. More drinking, more smoking and hardly going into work. It was no surprise to me when I walked in one day after missing two days of work that my manager called me into his office and sat me down. He said,

“Andrew, you are one of the best brains in the business but your head hasn’t been here since the tragedy. Top management wanted me to fire you based on your performance but I’m not going to do that. Instead, I’ll report on the file that it was due to reallocation of resources. I’m doing this so you can tap into the unemployment package. I wouldn’t want you to be hung out to dry…”

I appreciated JC (my manager) for letting me know and I wasn’t that upset to be frank; I half expected it to happen. My performance had been mediocre at best. I was punching at 54%. Being dismissed should have been a wakeup call but it wasn’t. I was burning through my savings faster than I could imagine. Alcohol and meth were not cheap. Suppressing my depression was even more expensive. I just wanted to drown all the pain but sooner than I realized my account was in pain.

I knew I needed to start looking for another job but I had to get clean first, I was low. My cousin after numerous attempts finally convinced me to go to a group from recovering substance abusers. Reluctantly, this particular Tuesday, I went. It was in a shady neighborhood. The GPS decided as always to give up the ghost a few blocks down from the location so I was not entirely sure where I was going. I knew I had come this far for a reason, I needed change and more importantly, I needed help. The sun had firmly tucked itself away behind some of the tall skyscrapers far north of my location. There was a man behind me impatiently waiting for me to find my location and parking so that he could get to his appointment.

“Come on!” he yelled out of his car window.

The guy hurriedly sped off as I found a parking spot and tucked my car into it. Looking around the neighborhood, I didn’t feel comfortable with my surroundings so I moved all my belongings into the glove compartment and locked it up. Tucking my keys into my coat jacket, I scanned myself from top to bottom to make sure that I was looking well. I was already going to this place to seek help; I did not want to be showing up looking like a bum also.

I hate public recognition or attention. I thought I was going to sneak into the meeting without anyone noticing my entry. Those dreams were dashed pretty early as I entered the room. The lady running the group saw me walking in from the back of the room and smiled. Majority of the group was sitting in a circle and backing me, her smile caused them all to turn and see who it was. I kept my walking pace and found myself sitting down. I looked around the group attempting a weak smile with the few people I made eye contact with. I was slightly nervous but their warm faces made it possible to feel a bit more comfortable. The person who was talking had just finished up and the Chairperson looked at me and said;

“Hi, and welcome to Pickleweed’s support group. We normally share our struggles and a bit about ourselves but you don’t have to share anything today if you don’t want to. Once again… welcome!”

I nodded back as she gave room for a brief moment of silence as if to invite me to speak up.

“My name is Andrew” I started…

“Hi Andrew” Everyone responded in call- response fashion.

“I am here to get help and support. I feel like I have hit rock bottom and I need help…”

Everyone nodded like they knew my struggle and over the course of time, I would understand why most of the people in the room that day nodded. They knew what my journey was like; they were either into or currently traveling through theirs like I was. I spent a lot of that session just listening to other members express their issues and watched how the staff and other people in the group helped each person explore ideas on how to deal with their problems. I was shy… very shy. I just wanted to sit in the back of the room to be honest and observe which was what I did throughout most of the session.

For many weeks, I would sit like that trying to figure out when I would be able to share something or contribute. One evening, I walked in after a hectic day of looking for a job. I sat there with my head down; pondering and listening as others discussed things. I’m still not sure where I got the courage to start speaking but I there I was opening up to these people.

“My name is Andrew…”

Without waiting for response, I put my hand up in a motion to prevent them from responding.

“I have been using alcohol and methamphetamine to drown my pain since I lost my family. An unborn baby at childbirth and her mother left me a few months later…”

I stopped briefly to hold the tears, as all the emotions seemed to flow to my eyes at that moment.

“I also recently lost my job as a result of my new addiction.”

I continued, “Listening to you all for the last few months, I have come to realize why I drink and why I use meth. I feel insecure in my body and feel that my mental state needs to be altered to prevent me from having to deal with all the pain. I just wanted to share it with someone going through it, talk to people or be around people. It has certainly helped me a lot. Thank you all.”

I raised my head to make sure they all saw the sincerity in my eyes while I continued to fight back the tears. I was immensely grateful for this group. It had been a long process but I felt like I was finally on my way to getting back on the right track. I had been clean for 3months; not a single drink or single hit.

.   .   .   .   .   .

My friend Helen had put me in touch with this job opening. I was skeptical because although it was in a field similar to mine, it wasn’t anything I was comfortable in but I needed work. I had burned through all my savings and sleeping on my cousin Juliet’s couch hasn’t been the most welcoming feeling for a man like myself. She was family but my pride was getting in the way. I wasn’t contributing as much as I wanted to and I felt like I was being a burden even though she never said I was and tried to make me feel as comfortable as possible.

Being the type of person that I am, I don’t know how to ask for help and hate feeling like I’m inconveniencing anyone. I think more than anything, it was the guy she was seeing that was mad at me. Since I stayed there, he had only been allowed over twice and hadn’t spent the night at all. It was interesting to watch but I couldn’t help but laugh on the inside. I kept trying to get him to realize that we weren’t competing against each other, she’s my blood… but oh well!

I was up late the night before my exam. This job had a placement exam. My proficiency on certain management theories was to be evaluated. I had been studying all night listening to music on the number one African online radio station that an old friend had put me on. There was something about African music that I really connected to. The struggles and perseverance of the legend Fela was something I could relate too. I had also heard of some “new school” guys. It was 24 hour non-stop music and I loved it. There was a chat room on the website where people just logged on and talked about everything. That was a welcome break from studying too. There was this beautiful lady that caught my eye on there. She had been up all night studying; wearing this white shirt with a big red heart across the face. I was captivated by her voice and how interested in what I was doing she seemed. She asked me questions about me and it was nice to have someone new to meet and talk to since Audrey was still upset with me. It was about 4am and a few of us were still on the chat room listening to music and studying or doing whatever else. There was an engineer working off like 5 computer screens preparing for a presentation a few hours later. It was motivating. I felt like I could do it, all these people like me; all working hard to be better. I was pumped and then out of nowhere, a random dude logged into the chat room, turned his video on and began stroking his penis on camera for the rest of us to see. Everyone squealed out in shock, he was duly blocked and reported as spam but as we all laughed it off, I knew I needed a better life. I had to get this job! The struggle life was not made for me.

.   .   .   .   .   .

My first week at my new job was amazing. Everyone was very welcoming and it seemed like I was finally finding my feet. The staff that I was in charge of helped me stay grounded and together. I was pushing for great things and I knew that no matter how hard it got, the hardest part being the exam had been conquered.

My supervising manager was great. She had a welcoming smile and always seemed to go the extra mile in ensuring that I was well adjusted. We had weekly supervision meetings where we would talk about the staff that I was supervising and better ways to manage the staff. Over time we became comfortable with each other. Sharing personal information duly followed. We became what I would sometimes have called “friends”. She even invited me over to her house for a personal dinner she was hosting for some friends.

The chemistry was becoming evident with personal jokes at the office, stealing smiles and taking our lunch breaks together. I had to have the conversation with myself and ask “was I starting to like her as more than a friend?” I tried to suppress my growing feelings for her but it wasn’t working. One bright Friday afternoon she came into the office looking dressed to kill. Her sunglasses covering her beautiful brown eyes, her hair flowed to her back as she carted across the hall in her pencil skirt supported by stunning blue heels. I was talking, coming from the other end of the hallway walking towards her… we made eye contact and both flashed a sly smile. Mine was saying “Damn! You look great” and hers in response as if to say, “Yes I know”. She walked into her office and stood at her desk sorting through her mail and newspapers. Glancing up, our eyes met now as her glasses had come off. She smiled but I tried to hide. I had been staring.

I couldn’t focus throughout the day and I knew why. Sally was running through my mind. Those legs, those eyes, her lips… I found myself wanting all of her! It was about 3:30pm when she walked into my office. She shut the door behind her, closing the blinds she smiled as she walked towards me. I leaned back in my chair with a smile on my face. She came around the desk while pushing my seat back; she sat on my lap and planted her full red lips on mine. I closed my eyes as I took her in. Her lips felt like new silk sheets, my lips pursed open as her tongue searched the cavity of my mouth. My heart was racing, we were about the same age but this was my boss; my superior. She placed her right hand behind my head as she pressed her full breasts unto my chest. Leaning back I ensured that she felt comfortable as I continued to kiss her. Breaking the kiss, she leaned away from me and smiled. My lips were covered in bold red lipstick. She got up, looked at me as she straightened out her clothes. She then leaned in and whispered in my ear,

“Next time when you want something, just ask and don’t wait around till you miss out on it” and then she walked out.

I was in shock. I wasn’t sure whether I was supposed to feel violated or excited for things. I could not wait for the day to be over. I picked up a napkin and cleaned off the lipstick on my lips. Wow! I thought to myself. What was happening?

.   .   .   .   .   .

I locked the door behind me as I invaded her office. This was my turn…She had woken up the sleeping giant! I walked around the desk and flipped the chair. I told her it was about to be her turn to be blown away. Down to my knees I dropped, I slid my hand up her thighs as she stayed glued in her seat. Reaching her waist, I pulled her lace panties down and flung them behind me. She lifted herself up to pull up her skirt. Spreading her legs apart, I planted kisses around the insides of her thighs working my way home. I could taste her wetness as my lips gently met her lower lips. The one way exchange of fluid as my tongue siphoned all of her juices into my mouth was driving her insane. With her legs on my shoulders and her hands on my head, I worked my way around her clit. Her hair, full and luscious was now all over the place as the pleasure coursed through her veins driving her insane. I kept working my tongue on her wetness powering it from left to right at an uncontrollable speed while my hand reached into my back pocket to pull out the condom. Not breaking a motion, I slipped it on and got up.

“It’s huge! Weren’t you going to let me taste it?” She asked looking like I cheated her out of a fine deal.

“Maybe some other time”

I replied with a smile as I stretched my hand out to her. I picked her up and bent her over the desk. Her skirt now rumpled up and firmly around her waist. With her heels on she was about 5 inches taller and perfectly placed for my hard member to explore the depths of her. I slowly slid into her tight wetness. She didn’t gasp but let out a slow welcoming moan as my manhood responded by getting a bit harder. The strokes were slow and controlled as she looked back at me. My knees felt weak. The sight of her wanting me to “own” her was a massive turn on. An element of dominating your superior was also at play. The pace picked up as she started kicking back to me… As I thrust deeper and deeper, her moans were getting louder. I was pounding harder now.

“Andy… Andy… Yesss…. Keeping doing that! Harder!!!”

She scratched the desk looking for a hold and moaned as I grabbed her waist and smacked my pelvis on her ass. Her ass was amazing. This woman was as dedicated with her work as she was with her body. I was giving it to her with precision and she was taking me as her ass rippled back to me with each thrust. The climax beckoned as she moved her left hand to play with her clit and grab my balls as I continued to pound hard. A few minutes later it was grunt after grunt as I unloaded my seed. I pulled out of her and gently took off the condom to put my clothes on. She looked at me and smiled, it was not a genuine smile. It looked cheeky but evil at the same time. I wasn’t sure why.

“That was great. We should do that again sometime…” I said.

“It was but that was a mistake. It shouldn’t have happened”

I was confused. This woman was just moaning the shit out of my name a few minutes ago and now this was a mistake? She said nothing further as I put my clothes on to leave. I was really confused and fearing for the worst. Did I just get played?

.   .   .   .   .   .

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The weekend was rough. I couldn’t help but think that something bad was going to happen. I tried to stay positive. I went to the gym that Saturday morning and to get some food with a friend. I took a long walk on a trail behind the house. Even the beautiful view couldn’t help me stop thinking about the smile on her when I walked out of her office. I picked up my phone and texted her on Sunday afternoon;

Me (11:38am): Hey you

Sally (2:04pm): Hey, I’m good.

       (2:05pm): I’m out at the moment. I’ll text you later.

She was blowing me off. I was more freaked out than I needed to be. Why was she being like this? Was the sex awful? I thought of every reason possible but I couldn’t figure it out. I wanted to find out why right then. I was tempted in my frustration to go out and get a drink. I held it together and turned in for the night early.

The next day I arrived at work earlier than usual. I was in my office working when she walked in; she looked at me flashing me a smile and stopped to ask how my weekend was. I smiled. I was feeling a little bit better. Work continued to go smoothly and then I got an intercom call from Sally asking me to please come to her office. I felt a tingle in between my legs as this was said. I finished up the email I was working on and I walked out my office and headed for hers. I opened her door and I noticed her sitting behind her desk and the human resources manager sitting in the chair across from her. She looked up and asked me to take a seat which I did.

Twenty five minutes later, I was walking out of the office; stunned. She had basically just fired me because I was not the right fit for the job they hired me for. I couldn’t believe it but in some ways I could. Sally looked right at me and let me go. 72 hours prior, she was moaning my name and now she was letting me go? I felt like I had been punched in the gut. I walked into my office and waited a little after 4pm to begin packing my things. I exited the building an hour later. Walking to my car, I was fuming and confused. I sat in my car for about an hour just trying to process what had just happened. I had fought and worked so hard to get this job and I all of a sudden I was now being dismissed? I felt like she played me. I felt played! Slowly the thoughts began to creep into my head, I wanted to sniff or hit some Meth. I could smell it. I wanted it. I was going to get it!

I called my old dealer. He was just as shocked to hear I wanted it again. I swung by “my guy” and picked up the stuff. He along with a voice in my head kept telling me not to do it, to remember how far I’d come and how long I had stayed clean for. I was so angry with the world that I kept repressing those better thoughts and his advice. I arrived at home and headed straight to the bathroom. Pulling off my shirt, I closed the bathroom door and sat on the closed toilet seat. Cigarette in hand and all my utensils lay out on the edge of the sink. I tied my black tie to round my right bicep prepping for my shot there. I had one last thought to stop as the voice of reasoning snuck in one last time. I ignored it.

I called my sponsor to see if he could talk me out of it, knowing well that he would be at work and not be able answer his phone. True to that, he didn’t answer the phone. I took it as a sign from above to go ahead.

Hit one…

Sniff. Sniff…

I could hear the music playing in the background.

I was starting to climb through the clouds. I was feeling good again.

Eyes batting, I laid down on the cold bathroom floor. All the thoughts began flooding my head. This was it… This was that feeling…

Feeling Good by Nina Simone

 

My phone started ringing… I was too high to want to get up.

A short while later I heard the front door open, it was my cousin letting herself in.

“Shit!” I cursed quietly….

I didn’t want her to see me like this. I was starting to try to clean up. Opening up the window slightly. I rushed to pack things up. I was using the towel to fan the smoke out of the bathroom. I was now sweating profusely, my body reacting to the things I had ingested. It had been so long, I was getting dizzy. I sat back down and held my head in my left hand. A few minutes and my cousin was calling out my name seemingly from smelling the smoke. She pulled open the bathroom door and there I sat, looking and her as she stared at me in disbelief….

She opened her mouth to talk but no words came out. I knew I was fucked… It looked like she wanted to scream… #WhatTheHeckMan

The story has finished for this part! Oya LEAVE ME A COMMENT BELOW! LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK. Stop trying to be waist! lol. DO IT!!!! 

What do you think happens next? Leave me a comment or tweet at me. @ADEWUS4REAL

Look out for the concluding Part 4

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Amnesia 2

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Amnesia 2

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 @adewus4real #WhatTheHeckMan

I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me… like I was going to die. This could not be happening. The doctor held onto me as I began sobbing like a little baby. I was distraught. The doctor explained to me that there had been some complications and the baby was putting Lindsey’s life at risk.

“Why?“ … Why did this have to happen?” I asked looking to God.

I was wailing like my whole world was crushed when the janitor walked into the room and helped the doctor lift my wailing and embarrassing self off the ground. This was unfair!

I truly could not believe my ears. I’m pretty sure I cried for about 3 days straight and Lindsey even longer.  It was heartbreaking. All our hopes and dreams; gone. I questioned God. I questioned life. I questioned the strength our love. That was the time when we needed each other the most but that was the time we failed.

It all began when I noticed that she had been in contact with the father of the child; a former friend of mine. With our growing apart, she was seeking solace somewhere else. Was it my fault that I couldn’t get over what had happened? It was date after date. Late nights and no texts back. Smelling like another man’s cologne when she returned home in the early hours of the morning. She would come in and curl up next to me. We would still have sex but it was just sex. There was no love between us. Slowly I began to hate her. God was not answering my questions and I needed someone to hate and so I turned all my hate to Lindsey. It was her fault. She had sex with someone else. This was supposed to be someone else’s cross to carry and not mine. I did not set foot into the nursery we had prepared for the baby for almost 2 months. I was deteriorating; and crashing fast.

Alcohol was only one of my poisons and it was affecting every aspect of my life; from work to relationships to extended family. I was depressed and just wanted to be away from Lindsey at all times. I truly hated her because every time I looked at her, I imagined what the baby would have looked like. I just wanted to die. Therapy was ordered by my job and we went for the first few sessions and then I gave up on it. I was not motivated to force myself to get over the pain. Lindsey let go faster than I did and I hated her even more for that.

Meth burning through my pockets faster than it was taking to cook. I remember one evening when I was out by the water where I normally go to clear my head. I was so high and I just sat there… alone and helpless. I don’t know where the thoughts came from and I want to stand by them not being hallucinations but I began to take my clothes off. It was only after a passerby asked me what I was doing that I realized that I had been standing stark naked overlooking the water. What was happening to me?

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.   .   .   .   .

It had been three months since we lost our baby girl. I was still not over it. I think there was a part of me as a man that wanted to stand for something. Something bigger than me and being the best father I could be was the start to that. Religiously, every Friday night, I would go to the park where I had hoped to take my baby girl. Clutching the one blouse I bought her in my hand, I would imagine what could have been until tears flooded my eyes or until I got drunk; whichever came first.

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One night, I returned home fairly tipsy after a few drinks at the bar down the street from my house. Walking in, I heard Lindsey on the phone. I ignored her and stumbled my way up the stairs into the room. I was laying face up on the bed staring at the ceiling fan. Slowly I began to get dizzy… I closed my eyes. Deep breathe in; I’m not even sure if I exhaled. I could feel sleep begin to overtake me.

I heard Lindsey walk into the room to make sure I was asleep, but I wasn’t. With my eyes closed and my heart rate significantly lower, I understand why someone would have thought I wasn’t awake. I could hear her talking to her friend; not sure which gossipy one it was but they were talking about a man. It only took a few more lines to piece together that she was talking about Devin, the same fucking guy that got her pregnant. Putting it all together, I deducted that he had been over at the house earlier. She was talking about how much of a good kisser he was and how he was a gentleman for not going further and trying to take it to the “next level”.

I was fuming now. In my drunken stupor, I got off the bed and charged at her in the living room. Snatching the phone and throwing it in one sweeping motion, I broke it on the wall. She was livid. She glared at me in anger and shock for a good minute and then got up and walked out without muttering a word. I was still angry. I tried to follow her into the room but she had locked the door. The couch was my bed that night. I woke up in the middle of the night flooded with regret, anger and confusion.

“Was she moving on to someone else?”

“How could she?”

I wasn’t ready for all of this. I was going to attempt to talk to her the next day. I turned over and looked at the broken phone in the corner of the room. It looked like a shiny new toy that was now useless and broken like it belonged to a petulant kid who felt they were more than they really were. It was small and had landed in the corner near the bathroom door. It was never going to amount to anything. My eyes grew heavy and they batted slowly. Sleep had arrived.

.   .   .   .   .

“This is just a friendly reminder that your Comcast bill is overdue. Please contact us to avoid disconnection…”

That was the voicemail off the answering machine tailed off as I poured myself a cup of coffee. My head was pounding in my hands. My eyes were heavy. I was clearly hung over. Lindsey was gone when I woke up. Her things were still here so I’m guessing she wasn’t gone for good.

I looked at the time; it was 11:28am. If this was a Saturday, it would have made sense but it wasn’t. Tuesday morning and I was here at home with a hangover and absolutely no motivation or fucks to give. Days like this where I missed work were becoming the norm. I slumped into the couch, turned on the television and began watching the typically annoying court shows.

I looked at myself. A progressive programmer slumped in my couch like a bum with no direction in life catching ICDC college commercials. It began to depress me. I got up and went to the bedroom to pick up my phone.

16 unread text messages, the two most important ones read;

“Lindsey: Received 8:03am

YOU NEED HELP. GIVE ME SPACE.”

“Audrey: Received 9:46am

Guess who’s back?! I’m in town. We need to ‘connect’ J ”

I smiled after reading the second message. Audrey was the one I had wanted to be with before I got back with Lindsey but she had gone to Thailand to volunteer for a few years so it never really took off. There was an obvious connection and physical attraction between us, but she respected the fact that I was with someone so she kept it low-key. I wasn’t technically single so I wasn’t too hyped about doing anything. It did cross my mind though. Exploring things with Audrey that is…

“Welcome back! And yes we should hangout sometime.”

I wrote back to her carefully avoiding her subtle invitation for sex.

The conversations went on for a few more weeks without me really trying to push for anything. We had gone to the movies once and met at a mutual friends birthday dinner but nothing happened.  One Sunday evening I returned home from visiting a friend in a neighboring city. It was late and Lindsey wasn’t home. I was settling in and preparing for the next day when I realized that I hadn’t washed the shirt I was planning on wearing the next day. I rushed to throw it in the washer but I noticed some other clothes were in there. I took them out and placed them on the dryer right next to me. I put my shirt and a few other items in and started the wash. I opened the dryer to throw in the damp clothes only to find some clothes in there as well. I pulled them out and moved them out of the way. In motion I realized that they were men’s clothes. More importantly they were not mine… And I was talking men’s undergarments! I somehow already knew what was going on. I dropped them in the empty hamper and reached for my phone. I texted Lindsey to find out what had happened with Devin

Me: Was he here?

Lindsey: Yes

Me: Did you have sex with him?

Her response was delayed but the torn condom wrappers in the bathroom already answered the question. It was done.

Her response came in as my phone buzzed,

Lindsey: “Yes. I’m sorry”

It was a slow double break of my heart. I sat on the toilet seat and cried. I had just lost my best friend; again.

.   .   .   .   .

 Audrey was my release. She was the ‘new’ that I needed. Completely taking my mind of Lindsey who I hadn’t heard from or spoken to since the day she came to my house with Devin to pack out all her things. It was amicable. And I was ready to move on.

Audrey and I had been going great and the heat between us was building. So this fateful evening, it was going to happen. We had dinner at my favourite family restaurant downtown. We talked, laughed and headed uptown for the rest of the night. I gave her a soft kiss on the cheek and said “Zina Street” along with the name of the hotel. As we had both come from work we drove separately. We arrived at the hotel only a few minutes apart and I asked her to wait for me in her car while I went in.

I’d called the hotel about 2 hours prior to quickly book a suite. I lied to them that I had forgotten my anniversary and was in dire need to save the night. Who doesn’t love helping a love story? The ladies at the front desk were very helpful. I told them her name and asked that they send her up to the room when she walked in. The ladies seemed so happy to be part of a great thing. I ran up to the room and set it up. Candles were lit; the bottle of wine placed was placed in ice while I filled up the bathtub with water and bubbles. With slow jazz now playing in the background, I texted her to come up.

A few minutes later she was outside the door. I asked her to keep her eyes closed which she did. Slowly I led her into the room and put her bags down. I gently kissed her soft lips as my tongue waited patiently for its moment to explore. She kissed me back. Her lips were soft like the fresh warm middle of a muffin right out of the oven. I wanted more. I gently pulled her in and kissed her deeply. My tongue searching the insides of her mouth as her tongue responded in navigating my cavity. I slowly began to take her clothes off. Moments later she was completely naked. I fought the urge to devour her welcoming body; I failed. Taking in her breasts one in each hand, I kissed her neck down to her collarbone. I could hear the moans as I led her into the bathroom. I whispered in her ears,

“Open your eyes…”

Gently she did as she was taken aback by the room illuminated only by candles. She was beaming and with a sly smile on her face she began to take my clothes off. Gently we stepped into the hot water in the tub filled with scented bubbles working in tandem with the candles. On top of my package she sat looking into my eyes. No words said… We just kissed and held each other tight. It felt like she was taking all of me as I opened my body to take her into me. The water was a little hot but the heat between was definitely more than I had felt in a while. The way she kissed me was like someone trying to explain their feelings, in a short time, all at once. For a minute we broke the kiss and I looked into her eyes before gently sliding into her. The pace was slow. It was the type of time one could say “I made love.”

Our eyes did most of the talking as our bodies glued in the mid-sized tub. I could feel the water seeping between our thighs as I thrust in and out of her wet cream pie. It was nothing like I had felt before. This felt like a communication of the body with eyes and other parties. Shortly after the party was over, we sat in the tub as I washed her down and she did the same, with a few kisses occasionally breaking our bathing session. Her body was gorgeous. From her silky flowing black hair to her bulky calves that folded on my lap. I wanted all of her. I was not sure if I wanted all of her because I just wanted something new but I was sure that I wanted to be everything to her and more. Slowly we stepped out of the tub and dried off. Climbing into the bed more sex would follow till we passed out. I had never been ridden like that by any woman in my life. She had a way of making her ass control the pulse in my hard member. Speeding it up till I was about to cum but making sure that I lasted long enough for her to get off. She was great! I turned over to her as we finished our glasses of wine and said,

“Audrey…”

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Look out for Part 3

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Amnesia

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Amnesia

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                              @adewus4real #WhatTheHeckMan

“There!”

I said as I placed my hands on my head and scanned the newly decorated living room of my new place. It had finally come together. I slumped into a sitting position in the corner of the room. Looking out of the window as the sun rays squeezed into the room through the blinds.  This had been a process. Not just the setting up of the place but the gathering of my life together again.

I looked at my keys sitting on the coffee table in the middle of the room. I got up and reached for them. Out the door I went as I trudged to the mailbox. Opening it, I gathered all the mail for the week and headed back. Mortgage payments, credit cards and even a wedding hall deposit payment. These were my regulars. I was paying for a wedding and I wasn’t even…. Never mind.

 

For the past 3 months, I had been living with my cousin; Juliet. I moved out of my home during one of the craziest periods of my life. I opened mail after mail, setting and marking the corresponding bill to a due date on the calendar next to my door cabinet. I sat down on the couch, laptop to my right and some urgent bills in hand. I turned on the sound system; Pandora was playing my “Smooth Jazz” channel. I opened up my laptop and placed it on my lap. It was a $382 bill for the hall.  This was my eighth bill; one every month for the past eight. I glanced at my fingers. No wedding ring. A slow heat of rage was building within me, I was getting angry. Why was I paying for a hall and I wasn’t getting married? Well it’s a long story.

I picked up my keys and headed out the door, I needed some air. My angry fumes were threatening to burn my place down.

.   .   .   .    .

 Lindsey and I met when I was a freshman in college. She was one too. She went to a prestigious university and I was at a community college nearby after transferring over from Nigeria. I was still trying to settle down and find my way when I was introduced to her through a friend of a friend. I thought she was stuck up for whatever reason. I think it was because she was really beautiful, smart and I was somewhat intimidated by her. She grew up here and I was this fresh of the boat African lad, who was mostly mute with the fear of embarrassing myself if I ever opened my mouth. Even though she went to a different school and all, we always seemed to be around each other with our friends. Slowly, we got close. I remember knowing for months that I liked her and I wasn’t sure how to tell her. There were some awkward moments where I thought she would have known that I liked her.

One time, she walked in on my friend and I arguing about the women we hung out with and I was vehemently defending her. She pretended not to have heard anything. She would later tell me years after that the passion I showed in defending her was attractive and one of the reasons we ended up together.

After about 6 months, I began to notice a change in her attitude towards me. She was texting back; faster and initiating conversations. I was not sure what to feel but I really liked it. That summer, she came to my school to take summer classes since they were cheaper at mine than at her school. I think this was where it all built up into something. I would see her almost everyday and since I had no way of getting around, she was my chauffeur. She did everything with a smile. The way she carried herself was just a joy to watch and be around.

 

One afternoon, she picked me up and drove me to her apartment. The plan was to rent a movie and watch a film while we ate. For whatever reason, we were both tired by the time we reached her apartment. She jumped into the bed and asked to take a nap and that we could watch the movie when she wakes up. I hopped in the bed next to her and just laid there. I can’t remember exactly what we were talking about but I know she said something amusing. To my recollection it was some sort of funny slight at me. I began tickling her from behind. She was on the bed facing the wall whilst I had my back to the door. Tickling her she laughed and asked me to stop but I didn’t. Tickling led to gently biting her back and behind her neck, laughing turned to moaning and then I turned her over and got on top of her. I planted a kiss on her lips and we kissed. It was wet and passionate. I had wanted that for so long and for it to finally happen was just pleasing and scary at the same time. Not breaking the kiss, I began to run my hands all over her and then all of a sudden, she jumped up and said,

 

“I have to leave, I have to leave now. I can’t do this!” and then she ran off.

 

I was confused and extremely turned on. I remember telling myself, I don’t care what the outcome was because at least she now knew I had feelings for her. It was the most awkward drive home. I could not wait to get into my house and under my sheets. I was so embarrassed. She had said nothing about the “incident” and I was more worried about her never talking to me again. She dropped me off and did not call for 3 days. In that time I had wanted to die. I thought my whole world had collapsed around me. This woman had my heart and she didn’t even know it yet.

She would finally call me and start by going off on me. And then she slipped this line in there;

“Why didn’t you just tell me?”

 I was shocked and kind of happy. I told her I wasn’t sure if she’d felt the same way hence my holding back. She just teased me and then we joked about it. Over the next few weeks, we made our relationship official.

I always wanted to be with her and around her. It was new love, real love. I remember the night we first had sex. It was at her parent’s house. One of the popular ladies in town had thrown a massive/an elaborate party. The whole community was there so her parent’s home was empty. We snuck out of the party and headed to her there. Nervous, we got into the room and she asked me to lie on the bed on my back. I did and then she handcuffed me to both bedposts and told me not to move. She then went further and blindfolded me. I was terrified. To make matters worse, she’d left a blindfolded and naked me on the bed while she was in the other room, doing something I cannot remember. My mind was wandering.

“What if someone came in? What if this was all a trap and her friends were about to walk in and beat me up?”

All sorts of crazy things flew through my head and then she came back. Sade’s “No Ordinary Love” was now playing in the background as she climbed on the bed. Kissing me down my chest towards my excited package, I was trying to hold it together. Good first impressions during sex are extremely important. I was still blindfolded when I felt something super cold all over my stomach! I was startled and then I realized that it was whipped cream. She was licking it off me as she made her way down to my now hard six-inch member. I was nervous as she took it into her mouth. She sucked like she was new to it too. I couldn’t wait to be out of there. I was beyond myself and out of my skin.

She stopped. I heard her tear open a wrapper and then I felt the cold rubber feeling on top of my package as she slid the condom into position. Asking me to take the blindfold off after removing the cuffs, it was clear to me how beautiful she was. Naked, her dark chocolate skin glowed as her bright smile lit up the room. All of a sudden I was calmer and happy. I was slightly shaking  as I slid into her. It was tight; very tight! It was her first time and I had to be gentle. With slow movements, we warmed up. I remember being so worried about giving her a good time, I forgot to ensure that I didn’t ruin the entire party, which is exactly what I did. The actual intercourse between us lasted about 3 minutes and it was over. Those three minutes though would be the stamp to the beginning of the rest of our lives.

 

I looked up and realized that I had walked almost a mile away from my house to the waterfront. I pushed an empty shopping cart out of my way and I took a seat on a bench by the waterside and drifted back into my thoughts. Memories were dictating me, back into my mind they carried me…

.   .   .   .   .

It was 4 months after I graduated from college that we broke up; Lindsey and I. For whatever reason, it seemed like we had run our course. Things were not the same. Arguments were more frequent and lasted longer. We seemed to love each other but could not be bothered to care holistically about the other anymore and so she eventually broke it off. There was a 3 month period that we did not talk for. One night I hit her up, missing her obviously. I wanted her back in my life. I was not exactly sure why but I knew for a fact that I needed her. She would return and it was date after date, reconnecting our lives and then one night about three and a half weeks into us talking again, she dropped the bombshell.  She was pregnant and she was 75% sure it wasn’t mine.

 

I had been mad, angry, heartbroken and sad. She was supposed to have my babies and not someone else’s. “How could she do this?” I asked myself many times. She broke up with me and then chose to sleep with someone else. I wanted to hate her for it but I couldn’t because I truly loved her.

So I absolutely cut her off. The way I worked back then, if something made me uncomfortable in the slightest way, I removed it from my life and that what I did with her. I just couldn’t believe it. She wanted to get back with me too and that why she sent her best friend to come and talk to me. I really hated that conversation because it tested my resolve and I did not want her friends to see that I still loved her. But I did. I really did.

I think what made it even more difficult for me to swallow was the fact that I knew who the father of the child was.  It was someone that was supposed to be a friend of mine. I once heard somewhere that these “heauxs ain’t loyal” but these fellas are just as bad; maybe even worse.

There are some decisions that should be made solely with your heart or head. I wasn’t sure which part came up with the genius plan but I asked her to move in with me. I rented a two-bedroom apartment and paid for a full year’s worth of rent. It was going to be our home. We were going to raise our kid with love. I was willing to father that child like it was mine because their mother meant the world to me. I was sure we would be amazing parents, as we already loved each other.

 

I remember the night we moved in. The whole week leading up to that day, she had stopped me from having any physical contact with her. It was about 6pm and we were both tired from moving things into our new place. She was wearing her blue short shorts that I liked; the one with her booty hanging out of it. I just wanted her… all of her! I crept into the room as she lay on the bed. Her face was settled into a pillow as she complained about being really tired. I started kissing her calves up to the back of her thighs. She didn’t move but I could hear her muffle words asking me what I was doing. I continued and pulled her shorts down. Still no movement and then I placed my index finger on her clitoris while I moved my head to the back of her neck and gently began kissing her. My finger worked in a side-to-side motion as I continued to kiss her. I turned her over and locked lips with hers. My finger still working, our lips moved in sync as we communicated our feelings without words. Lowering my body, my tongue replaced my finger, which moved to her mouth. She sucked on my finger as my tongue continued to demonstrate precision covering every inch of her lower lips. The flood being parted by my tongue as it searched for answers that only her mouth could give. I continued to nibble on her clit as she moaned my name. I felt like I was filled up when I moved up and slid my member into her. It was slow, passionate love making. The room was candle lit because we hadn’t replaced the bulbs in that room. The sensation was different. I could feel our bodies connecting again. Pushing my dick further into her, she clutched my back and her nails dug deep into me. The pain and pleasure was my fuel as I rammed harder and deeper into her to send a clear message. I was driving her crazy and she whispered in my ear,

“Let me ride it…”

That was not a request I could decline. I got up and laid on the floor. She slid it back inside her and took control. How fast, slow, deep was all her direction. And she was dripping. Up and down, she went. I felt like I was being fucked and she owned it… all of it! And to be very honest, she did. I could feel myself ready to cum. Her juices were flowing down to my shaft to my balls. I was moaning that I was about to cum and I didn’t want to. She responded…

“Cum and I’ll make you hard again and fuck you even harder!”

I kept my mouth shut and continued to enjoy all of her on me and then, right inside her I let it all loose. She clutched her stomach area and smiled saying,

“That was really warm…”

I was trying to catch my breath and then she took my entire dick into her mouth and began sucking. Now every guy can testify that this is one of the most sensitive moments during sex. I let her suck out the last few drops and she continued. I immediately had to push her off when I noticed she knew I was getting hard again.  We curled up naked on the floor. This was home.

.   .   .   .   .

I was out with some friends from work when Lindsey’s sister, who was staying with us, called me and told me to hurry to the hospital. Her water had broken. A few friends congratulated me as I ran out and hurried to the hospital. This was the night. I was beyond excited. I’m pretty sure I did not park my car properly in the parking lot as I got out and rushed into the hospital. A few minutes later I was outside the labour/delivery ward, restlessly pacing up and down the waiting room. I was about to be a father. My family was not happy about it for various reasons; the fact that it was not my child was the most prominent one. But I was about to be a father to a beautiful baby girl that I would love and cherish.  A few months ago when we found out it was girl, I bought her a little pink baby top, which said,

“Always daddy’s little girl”

I couldn’t wait to put it on her and take her to the park near our house or evening walks to the lakeside. I was going to be there for her always. All she needed to do was come to me.

Still pacing in the waiting room, I began praying for the safe delivery of my little girl. I was praying that God would bring both mother and child to me safely… I hated the wait!! After about an hour of anxiously walking back and forth, I was drenched in sweat and starting to get tired when then the doctor walked out. He still had the mouth mask on his face as he approached me. Pulling it off he said the only words that I’d been praying against…

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I could see his mouth moving but it was like I was in an empty room with white noise railing the walls. I was trying to make out what he was saying and the words finally made it through

“I’m sorry sir. We could only save one”

 

Look out for Part 2

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Undercover Player 4

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Undercover Player 4

 Image

 @adewus4real #WhatTheHeckMan

My “true love” (Anna)

My long distance friend (Farah)

My crazy one (Jessica)

My actual woman (Sarah)

My weekend girl (Zoe)

 

I had spent a full 28 hours in cell. I was released after my mother spoke to the officers. It was dead silent on the car ride home. We both said nothing to each other. I spent the night at my parent’s home. No one said anything to me.

Very early the next morning, my parents woke me up and called me into their room. There I was attacked. My mother called me a let down and a disgrace to the family name and to her legacy. My father said he was disappointed beyond words. I was fuming inside as they both felt justified to attack me and then I snapped.

At the top of my lungs I began to yell. Spilling every single detail about how I was molested by my father’s stepsister living with us at the time and then years later my cousin. I was angry. I accused them of being failures as parents and for being too busy with the things of the world to focus on the emotional safety of their children. They were both stunned. My mother was in tears even before I was done. I stormed out of the room and into mine. Packed up my things and proceeded to leave. I was angry and I couldn’t concentrate.

When I reached my house, the first thing I went for was the bottle of alcohol. Two quick glasses and my nerves began to calm a bit. My mind was racing. I called Farah and she didn’t answer. She was on vacation to Portugal and Bangkok. I was so angry. I picked up my phone that I had just thrown on my bed and called Jessica. Even with the “Peaceful Order” issued by the court, I needed to talk to her. Face to face.

 

I was already drunk by the time she came over. Jack and I were halfway in our conversation. My breath wreaked alcohol and I was tipsy. We didn’t even talk when she walked in.

I have to admit; I think I was a bit aggressive. I pushed her up against the wall and spread her legs. Pinning her face and breasts on the wall, I slid my hand up her skirt from behind. Using my thumb, I shifted her panties out of the way and I began to massage her clit. The moans ensued. I pulled her freshly braided hair to the side and began planting kisses all down her neck. She didn’t try to move. There was something in the way my body was working hers; I was going to send a clear message. I started biting her neck as I went along and the moans got louder. My right hand was still working her clit; harder and faster now. I could feel her juices on my fingers as she got wetter and wetter. She was all mine! I got on my knees and kissed her ass cheeks before sticking my strong wet tongue into her. She let out this gasp and began scratching the wall as if she wanted to hold onto something. I could feel her get drenched as it flowed onto my tongue and my chin. I was now the one making most of the noise. The kind of slobbering sounds you hear when you’re hurriedly trying to finish a rapidly melting Popsicle. Every drop of her was going to be mine.

I was so angry. Still angry for all that she put me through. All I had asked of her was the respect she would have wanted any woman to give her if she was in her shoes. Since she didn’t want to play along, I was going to take out my aggression on her. I turned her around. Still on my knees, I looked up at her as I went in towards her clit again. This time I was nibbling. Her eyes rolled back, she let out the sigh of resignation knowing that all she was going to get was more pleasure and there was no chance that I was letting her go. She was stuck. Stuck on a high. My front two teeth enlisted my tongue as support as they owned her pink lips and it’s cohorts. She was now moaning louder and grabbing onto my head in attempt to push me off her. She almost snapped my neck off, so I stood up and walked over to my closest. I opened one of the drawers and pulled out the two sets of handcuffs. I had this evil smile on my face as I walked back to her. I moved her to my reading table. This was no movie shit. I didn’t clear the table. I sat her on it. Her bare ass cheeks on all my documents. I wanted her to spray all her juices on my papers. I wasn’t going to stop there though. I cuffed one around her left wrist and clicked it. She asked with a concerned but excited look; 

“Zane, what are you doing?”

I yelled, 

“Shut up!”

 I clicked the second arm and cuffed her to the book cabinet next to my reading desk.

Hands hanging mid air, her pussy stared me in the face and the look of excitement had turned to hesitation. She seemed fearful for what was about to happen. I was ready to give her all of it. I pulled my reading chair up and sat down. Digging in I lapped up every drop as it flowed out of her. Some of the obscene things she said, I had never heard before from anyone. I was covered in all of her as practically my entire face was soaking with her juices. I stood up and positioned my rock hard dick at the surface of her pink, ready to go! I teased her rubbing it on her lower lips without pressing in. She moaned as if to ask me to go in already. Eventually I did; slowly. She moaned and clenched her fists. That was the best she could do. I put up her legs on my shoulders as I began the stroking motion. In and out, I maintained eye contact watching her face change as I went from one level to the next. The pace picked up. I was thrusting harder, deeper and faster!

“Zane, slow down! You’re going to hurt me!!” she begged.

 I smiled and continued to pump. “Hurt” her was exactly what I wanted to do. I got angry that she tried to have me stop. I dropped her legs and leaned in, placing both hands around her neck. I pulled her in and looked at her. I knew I was about to explode but I wanted every thrust to count more than the last. I wanted her to feel every inch of me, every vein. Smearing all her juices on my hard member, I could not hold it any longer. 

“Tell me who owns it” I barked at her,

 “You, you… youuuu!” she moaned.

 “Yes!” I responded knowing fully well I only had a few thrusts left in me. I squeezed her neck. Slightly choking her as I pumped a few more times and then I pulled out… All over her stomach I squirted every drop. My aim was not the best as some of my seed spilled onto the table. I slumped into the chair. I could feel my sweaty back begin to stick to the leather seat. She was trying to catch her breath. Still cuffed, she struggled to keep her head up. I began touching the insides of her thighs. She immediately closed them up. It was super sensitive. I forced her legs apart and stuck my fingers into her. She begged me to stop. I pushed them in a bit and then pulled them up. We were both drenched in sweat. I got up and un-cuffed her hands. She didn’t even get off the table. She looked too tired. And then she asked…

 

“What The Heck Man? What was that for?”

 “Payback” I responded. “I spent a full day in holding because of your stupidity!”

 She looked at me saying, “I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking properly”

 “Jessica, this has to end. It has been fun but we both gotta want more” I continued.

 She stared at me then mumbled 

“I understand and I’m sorry again” as she closed the bathroom door.

I swear in a million years, I could not even expect that conversation to have gone that way. I was just thankful that this chapter was closed for good. At least that’s what I thought.

 

.   .   .   .   . 

Even though the case had been dropped after Jessica withdrew her statement at the station claiming that she’d “overreacted”, I still couldn’t focus. Something was missing in my life. I wasn’t able to concentrate on work or anything. I knew I needed to get away. I kept thinking of where I could go. All I needed was a change of scenery.

In all my thinking, I remembered that Anna had left me to basically rot in the cell. I wanted answers. The next day a flight was booked. I was going to talk to her face to face and find out what truly happened. I arrived in the heat at about 2pm. A thirty-minute cab ride and I was at her apartment. Still in graduate school, I know Anna did not have class at that time. I waited till a car went through the automated gates and walked into the apartment complex. I arrived at her door and knocked. I heard movement and then she looked through the peep-hole. With a look of confusion and surprise she opened the door. The look on her face said… you guessed right, “What The Heck Man.” I smiled and walked in. Pleasantries aside, I asked her about what had happened and why she acted that way when I called from the station. She didn’t answer at first then she went on to say,

“I didn’t want to continue the cycle. You wouldn’t be with me but you wanted everything from a relationship. No Zane. No.”

 

I understood her perfectly, I was selfish. I wanted all her support and love but I was not willing to get over my issues and trust her fully and just be with her. Sigh.

We talked for hours and then she made dinner. Brown rice, stew with smoked turkey and boiled plantains.  Anna and I had a connection, I knew she loved me and vice versa. She was just frustrated. She wanted to be there for me through everything but I had to understand how it looked to be with her for that long and not officially enter a relationship. It must have been difficult to comprehend. I just wanted her to know that I was trying to figure me out before I joined me with someone else again.

She was cuddled up next to me when the conversation drifted towards the Jacuzzi and I suggested that we hop into it. A few minutes later swimwear clad, we walked to the Jacuzzi area. It was off. We snooped around until she found the switch and turned it on. It got hot pretty fast. We stepped in and began to talk. She was sitting on my lap as we began to reminisce on memories and on how far we had come together. From memories of our struggle to sex stories, we covered it all. Intimately as we shared that Jacuzzi together, I could feel it get hotter. I wanted her and I knew what she wanted me too. She began stroking my hardening shaft. She turned around and looked at me. Without saying a word she pushed her panties aside and slid my package inside her. It was hot. My balls were feeling the heat bubbles of the water boiling underneath them as my dick held full strength position in her as she worked her waist on it. I was holding her waist and kissing her passionately. This woman had all of me. The way her body was in sync with mine. I ran my hand over her tattooed thigh and squeezed her tighter. It was slow. It was controlled. She did not leave that position or lose control. Up and down she worked me until I was ready to give it all to her. She dictated the pace. Now I wanted to cum but I definitely wasn’t going to do that in the water. I lifted her up and put her on all fours right beside the Jacuzzi. I returned my dick back into her dripping pussy as I held her waist. I controlled the motion making sure that my dick was hitting every corner of her pussy. Discovering new reaches, she grabbed the edge of the Jacuzzi while looking back at me with those wanting eyes pleading with me to go in a little deeper. My balls were slamming against her clit as the passion was soaring out the roof. I took a handful of her hair in my hand, pulling her towards me; each thrust seemed to be a statement as our bodies moved in sync. She was moaning uncontrollably as I neared my climax. We slumped next to each other as I spurted out every drop from inside me on the floor. Naked, we curled next to each other as we stared into the sky. I was beyond confused on what to now do.

I would leave two days later after amazing talks, reconnecting and amazing sex. We even shared a run around the lake down the street from her house. We rediscovered what it felt like to love each other. I was on a high even with the sadness that came with leaving her. I hugged her tightly until the airport staff asked her to move her car. Reluctantly, we let go and she promised to make the next trip down. I had just made it through security when I received a call from my dad. I answered,

“Hello daddy…”

“How are you, son?” he said,

“Fine sir…You?” I responded.

 “Not great. We haven’t seen your mother for 4 days and she hasn’t contacted anyone. Have you heard from her? We are all worried” he said anxiously. 

“Fuck” I cursed under my breath…

“No sir, I’ll call her and get back to you” I said as I ended the call. 

I was worried now. Confused. Had my confrontation driven her over the edge? What have I done? Fuck!

“The number you have dialed is unavailable. Please leave a message…”

This was probably the 12th time I had called and my mother was still not answering. Now I was beginning to panic. She had never done something like this before. She had been really distant since the day I got out of jail. I called Sarah and she didn’t answer either. I left her a message asking her to call me. I hopped into my car at the airport parking and continued to try calling her. Nothing.

I was about 15 minutes from home when I received a series of text messages from Sarah. They were screenshots of messages between her and Jessica. I was stunned. I pulled over to the side of the road. I was confused and angry. What had Jessica done? Why? I thought things had ended the best way possible. Wow…You can never trust these women. Never!

I was torn. Do I keep calling my mother or Sarah? I was trying Sarah; I needed to explain things to her. I needed to explain that I ended it all with Jessica so I could focus on trying to build something with her. Sarah!!!

It had been an hour and I was still sitting on the side of the road in my car when I got a Twitter notification. I had been tagged in a photo. Shortly, more notifications of photos flooded my phone. Jessica was posting pictures of our conversations on the Internet. My heart froze. I was scrolling through them all and then a call from Jessica came through.

“Jessica, what are you doing?!” I yelled at the top of my lungs.

She only said one phrase…

“I only just started with you!” 

I literally think I peed on myself. I immediately began thinking of super private things I had shared with her like naked pictures, recordings and more. Even though I had the same of her, in this game, the first to call one out usually has the upper hand and Jessica really didn’t care if her naked pictures showed up on the Internet. She was that type of crazy.

I was losing it. I couldn’t take it all. There was so much blood rushing to my head. I was going crazy and then I turned over to my passenger seat. My prescription pills sat there; Amoxicillin and 800mg of Ibuprofen, twenty-one pills each. I picked the bag and decided to end it all. End all the pain. I think I was just over it all. I’m not exactly sure what I was thinking to be honest.

I opened the door and sat outside the car. I looked at the pills in my left hand and my cell phone in my right. I called my mother one last time and said 

“I never meant to bring you pain. I’m sorry… I hope you someday forgive me.”

I left the same message for Sarah and I laid the phone down to my left side and popped the pills. Almost all of them at one go. I sat there for a few minutes looking at the trees and listening to the birds chirp and then it got really dark. I was headed to a familiar place. 

 

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.   .   .   .   .

Someone calling my name woke me.

“Zane, Zane honey. It’s mummy” 

I slowly opened my eyes and there was my mother, holding my right hand. She was speaking to me slowly but I couldn’t exactly make out what she was saying. The doctors walked in a few minutes later and explained to a more awaken me that I had attempted to overdose and commit suicide. I put my head down as I was filled with regret for that decision. My mother was rubbing my hand saying it was okay, continuously thanking God for sparing my life and for the person that had spotted me lying on the side of the road. I was somewhat grateful for being alive. The doctor told me that my heart had stopped for a while and it was a miracle that I was still alive. My mother put her hands up and thanked God again. I was weak.

The doctor had left and that’s when I realized that my left hand was cuffed to the bed. I asked my mother why and how long I’d been there for. She said it had something to do with a psychiatric emergency hold for 72hrs. Apparently I’d already been there a day and half! She mentioned that I could possibly leave after a psychiatrist evaluated me. She began talking to me about how she loved me and was sorry she had not there for me. 

Sarah, Anna, Jessica, Farah and Zoe all did not seem to matter. My mother, with the strongest form of love in the planet was there for me. And I could not be more grateful. I glanced back into the room from my long gaze out into the sunny hills and looked the psychiatrist in the face.

“That was how it all happened…” I said

I looked up at the clock and then back at the psychiatrist. My time in this session was almost up. I had one every week for the past six months.

He continued jotting down in his notepad. This was my fourth evaluation in the past 3 months at this psych hospital. That meeting with my mother was 6 months ago. They have not let me out ever since. Apparently, I have not been fit to go back into the society as I have been ruled a danger to myself. If you’re reading this, I’m obviously still in here and hoping you find this story interesting enough to publish. I am so alone in here and I have not had a single visit from anyone who once claimed to love me. Abilify and Prozac are my prescribed meds for my depression. I think the cure lies in the hands of the women I gave my heart to but here I am, all alone. Dressed in all white but completely dark on the inside.  

Sigh…

My name is Zane and I really think I lost this game.

 

                                                                                                                      The End.

              #UndercoverPlayer4

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Undercover Player 3

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                                                                                                                                                                                                                         @adewus4real #WhatTheHeckMan

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My “true love” (Anna)

My long distance friend (Fara)

My crazy one (Jessica)

My actual woman (Sarah)

 

It had been 3 days since I had spoken to anyone. Sarah, Jessica, Anna or even Farah. I had drifted into this dark place that I was becoming a regular guest in. The blinds were closed. There were 8 Smirnoff bottles by my bedside, empty. I was listening to Nina Simone’s “Do I Move You” one of my favorite tracks of all time and I felt that I was tipsy. Staring up at the wall clock, it was 18 minutes past ten and I lay in bed edging closer to bum status.

I had managed to push all the women in my life away because I realized that I was very depressed. I told Sarah I did not want a relationship, Anna I snapped at for whatever reason, and then there’s Jessica. Well Jessica is Jessica so no need for a story there but it was what happened with Farah that has me upset. Farah and I got into it because I told her that I could not trust her. I think by now many of you would have realized that I have some trust issues and maybe underlying image issues. Sometimes I just couldn’t understand why some of these women wanted to be with me. I was never confident in my abilities and my looks. Don’t get me wrong, I obviously do well with the ladies but I never attributed it to myself especially if she was a woman that a lot of men wanted. Once I notice she’s interested in me, I begin to panic and expect the worst. “Maybe she’ll find better” or realize that I’m not that great, so the fear cripples anything positive that I would sincerely like to happen.

Farah and I were talking a few nights ago when she mentioned some other guy being interested in her. I watched how she was flirted with and how she normally flirted back. I just never truly trusted her but she always told me it was nothing. You can’t trust these women, anyone for that matter. I guess I was still insecure within myself with all the things that I had gone through previously in my life. I was not sure why (with all the options she had) she picked me. Farah understood it though. She knew why I did what I did. It wasn’t right and she never failed to put me in check, but she knew what depression looked like. It was something I hoped Sarah or Anna would notice and help me with but they just didn’t. Farah was ambitious. She was the ideal woman; perfect body I always wanted to do things to and the brains to match and she seemed to truly care about me. What more could one ask for? But every time I remembered all these things, I would be redirected in my head to the distance between us. She was so near to my heart but so far away. I would never be faithful in a long distance relationship, I know myself. I tried a long distance relationship once and I was cheated on and then coupled with my trust issues? There was no way, I had to have the person close by. Judge me but it’s the truth.

Farah and I were talking and I was becoming a little more pissed off. I had been highly irritable lately and usually that meant that my depression was getting the best of me. I had been thinking too much. I had been thinking of a time when I was almost invisible. Women barely noticed me. I was friends with many but none wanted to be with me. Then I thought of now. Now it is nonstop attention, and I can’t seem to commit to the one I truly love, for the fear of being unfaithful. Farah said something and I snapped, I can’t remember what I said but I said it and that was it. The called ended shortly after and I hadn’t talked to her since.

I looked up at the clock again. It was now 10:32pm. I picked up my phone and texted Farah.

“I’m sorry”

I waited for her response eagerly, repeatedly staring at the phone, waiting for the little blue light to start blinking.

Nothing.

I opened up another bottle and stole a gulp and then it went off. She texted back.

“I know you’re in a dark place. I’m here when you’re ready to talk”

My heart warmed. How could someone be so perfect? I texted her back.

“We need to meet up soon. Let me know. I’ll take time off work”

 

.  .   .   .   .

I had been a better mood now for a couple of days. Sarah was talking to me again after some serious begging (she’s not like Farah, she’s super stubborn). We agreed that we needed a getaway- time to focus on us and if we really wanted to do this. We planned to leave that weekend to Paso Robles; a little wine country city a few hours away. I was excited and nervous at the same time.

That Friday I had worked the whole day and ended up getting stuck in traffic, after being asked by my boss to do something at the very last minute. I just wanted to get to Sarah already. We had a 3-hour drive ahead of us and it was already 8pm. She tried all her best to remain patient but I could tell she was becoming agitated. Imagine having plans for a specific time but the other person was late; it can very easily upset someone. When I got to her, she was already at her limit. I swiftly apologized and we got on the road. About midway through the trip, I mentioned something about the sex. I can’t remember how the conversation started but I remember saying to her-

“I want to do legal but ungodly things to you.”

She smiled, looked at me and in the most nonchalant way, she said

“I think my period might be coming soon.”

I turned and looked at her, assuming she was just fucking with me I asked

“How soon is soon?”

She replied

“It was supposed to start today”

I kept my head straight on the road but I was fuming.

“What the actual fuck?” I thought to myself. Was she trying to say she did not know her period would be coming soon when she allowed me to spend all this money to book the trip? I know many of you are thinking that the trip was meant to be for us to reconnect, and it was, but who the hell said sex was not involved in the reconnection? I was angry.

In her usual manner, she first touched my arm and then went into using her baby voice and talked me into forgiving her. She made sure to highlight the fact that it hadn’t started yet, so we could make the most of it at least before it starts. I smiled in attempt to hide my anger.

We arrived at the hotel about an hour later. She had passed out in the car. I took all the bags in, after checking us in, then woke her up. She was too tired and yes! You guessed right, I got no play that night.

The next day I woke up to breakfast in bed, her attempt to bribe me. It was a nice gesture. She sat in front of me with no clothes on feeding me blueberry pancakes with sausages and it was a beautiful sight to behold. We got dressed after, and headed out to the Vineyard for wine tasting. I really could not focus on anything else; I just wanted her, all of her, on me. We had a lady pouring each glass of wine for us as we tried different wines. Together we laughed and joked as we spent time together. In the back of my mind, I just wanted her in a closed space, to just take control of her. So I devised a plan to get her so turned on that she would not be able to resist me. I left her for a moment, and went to the bathroom to text her-

“Let me come in there and violate you.
Laying you on top of that wine counter on your chest, I want to begin kissing you from the left side of your face while I slowly start to come to your lips as you feel my hot breath on your cheeks and my soft lips now working towards your neck. I want to take your bra off and continue kissing your back all the way down. My right finger on your clit, massaging it from left to right, up and down. I’ll lift you up onto all your 4s. Spreading those round cheeks with my hands, I’ll stick my tongue deep into your pink… My tongue searching for answers in the depths of your pussy. My nose, lips, chin and cheeks are now covered in the inviting flooding from inside. You’re scratching the desks and moaning into the wood while my fingers dig into your butt and my tongue ploughs your pussy…”

A few minutes later, I walked back into the room like absolutely nothing had happened. She had just finished reading my text. Her face was flushed red. Her knees wobbled and she just glared at me. It was like her eyes said “What the Heck MAN????” I smiled, licked my lips and winked at her. She looked like she wanted to punch me. We finished tasting our last glass of wine and then we turned to leave. She pulled me close and said

“I’m fucking soaked”

I smiled. Step one was complete.

We sat on the outer deck of the vineyard with other people around. She said she was turned on and wanted sex now. She went on to say

“I’m so turned on, I could ride you right here. Right now. “

I looked at her squarely, smiled and said

“I dare you”

I held my glass in my hand. Her blue bag and the bottles of wine sat on the footrest, she looked at me with this evil grin on her face. I dared her to do it; she chuckled and stared at me. She began to unzip my pants, maintaining fierce eye contact. I asked her what she was doing, but she did not say a word. She put her hand down my pants and cupped my rapidly hardening member in her hand and began to roll my balls between her fingers. She leaned in and whispered in my ear “you dared me right? I’ll suck your dick right here in the open” and then she sat back. Instantly, I was rock hard. I knew she could and was capable of doing it. Fearless she was. She leaned down took the first inch showing out of my pants into her mouth. It was broad daylight with about twenty people around us! I was stunned. She began working her tongue around the head of my shaft while I looked on in disbelief and concern, trying to make sure nobody could see us.

She lifted her head and asked me to meet her in the bathroom. I waited about 3-mins after she went into the bathroom and then I followed. I walked into the men’s bathroom and waited. She did not come. I realized that we had not decided what bathroom to meet in, male or female. We had done it in the ladies bathroom before a few months back. I figured it was my turn to have it on my playing field. A captain like myself should not be playing away all the time. A few minutes later she walked into the men’s bathroom and with her loud voice, she said “are you in here?” practically disregarding the fact that there could have been any number of people in there. There were only two stalls and I was in the further one from the door. I responded and she walked in. She glared at me as if to ask why I did not show up in the ladies bathroom. I pushed her up against the wall and put my hand under her blouse and cupped her breast in my hand kissing her passionately. The words floated out of the corner of her mouth into thin air. I began kissing down her neck. She wrapped her right foot around my left leg. Her head knocked back, as I kissed my way down her neck bone with her inviting perfume as my guide. I turned her around, head now facing the wall. I then moved her hair to the left side of her face and began kissing her neck again. I could sense that she was getting turned on and could no longer wait for me with the foreplay. She looked back at me and said “fuck me now”. I unzipped my pants and dropped my belt; my dick was already showing its head out of my briefs so I bent her over and slid it inside her. It was wet. Very wet. Holding her waist, I controlled the motions thrusting with finesse to avoid making any noises or her moaning too loud. She began to thrust back towards me and the noise was a bit more. I tried to stop her but I think the glasses of wine were hitting her. She was throwing it back to me with such determination. I continued to pump in and out, even when a man walked into the bathroom. He eased himself, washed his hands, listened closely as though he had heard some action out of the stall and then left. We continued. With his departure I pounded away and hoped nobody would come in while I was about to unload; oh how I hate my cum face and my grunts. Her pussy was so good. It was wet, slippery and owning my dick and then it happened, I began to get much closer to cumming. She looked at me and said “keep going”. I kept thrusting but gave her a look of disgust. I thought to myself, “this is not the 5 or 10k”. You don’t need to tell me to keep going like this is a marathon. And then it came, she said my trigger phrase “fuck me” and I knew I was going to cum, very soon. Quietly I grunted, as I jerked my shaft out and shot all my seed onto the floor. She looked at me and smiled. She had gotten what she wanted. She put her clothes on, kissed me on the cheek and walked out. I was turned on again but confused. That was amazing.

We headed back to the hotel to chill and get ready for dinner.  Relaxing while we lay in bed, we began to talk about why things had been the way they were. Sarah had hurt me before when she led me to believe something and then did something else. Broader story but I’ll save y’all the hurt too. We talked about my hesitancy to enter another relationship and the truth was I that I was still in a dark place; depressed most times and I felt that being in a relationship with that feeling would be selfish. Sarah was upset because she thought I was playing games and wanted boyfriend privileges from her without the title. But this wasn’t the case. I truly wanted a relationship and to be happy, but my fear of heartbreak crippled me before I even go into one. I remember sitting in bed with her and looking straight into her eyes and I said,

“I don’t know exactly how it will happen but I know that we are meant for each other and I pray God helps show that in the easiest way possible. I am truly scared of a life without you. You make me so happy. Continue to give me all your love and patience through these dark times, and I hope to come out of it as the best man I can be for you.”

She leaned and hugged me, and in all honesty, that was the safest I had felt in a woman’s arms. She held me and I truly felt like I was walking by a peaceful water levee back when I first realized what love was.

We both got ready and headed out to dinner. A quick photo-shoot in the hotel hallway and we were ready to go. I remember walking past the elevator on our way down to the parking lot and suggesting that we create memories in there; she didn’t buy it. Dinner was amazing. Oh my love for sushi! It was great food and even better company. On our way back to the hotel, we stopped by the local pharmacy to grab some snacks.

I was trailing her as we headed into the bedroom. We unlocked the door and began changing our clothes when the brilliant idea struck me; there was a balcony to the left of our room where we could go and smoke some of the Kush we came with. We changed and headed to the balcony. It was a non-smoking facility but we didn’t care. The balcony was a huge one. Our floor happened to have the only door that led to it. But all the rooms on that side of the hotel shared the balcony. We scanned for cameras and found none. It was time to blaze.

Moonlight lighting up the balcony we had discovered, it was cold but quiet. On a non-smoking facility, we sat in the cold and lit the swisher. A few puffs and the mood was right. We started talking as we puffed and passed. Sitting closely together, I began to run my left hand up the inner side of her thigh. She looked at me and smiled asking me what I was doing. I said nothing and kept my hand sliding to its destination. She began to move her body as my fingers neared the chocolate factory.  As I kissed on her neck and down her blouse, she kept on smoking. There was no need for her to stop.

Weed in her hand, pussy in my mouth. I was working and she was puffing. Clouds moved from right to left in the sky. She asked me why one big cloud covered the moon as my tongue moved uncontrollably from left to right. I was in there. The warmth on my face from her chocolate factory, to the chilling cold on my bare back. I put her legs on my shoulder and continued to work. All of a sudden the lights in one of the rooms went on. She twisted her neck to her right to look behind her and said

 “Zane! I think someone might see us”

I muttered

 “So?”

Now I don’t know about you men out there but unlike Kanye, you have to let your woman finish. I nibbled on her clit just a bit more. She placed her left hand on my head and worked it in motion over her pussy. I loved the way she called my name when her juices smeared my face. She dug her fingers deep into my neck as she came all over my tongue with me lapping up every drop.

We got up and stumbled into the room. She wanted to play a drinking game so she poured the liquor into the cups while I set the mood; I had other plans. I put on a porn video. The game was simple. We ask each other questions, and if you got the question wrong? A piece of clothing came off and you took a shot. She won the battle but I won the war. She couldn’t focus. She was tipsy and extremely turned on by the video playing next to her. She ultimately said

“Babe, I want you now”

 I was in business. I flung my shorts off my waist and carried her to the couch of the hotel suite. I gently placed her down. It was then I realized that I was tipsy also. Drunk sex?

She stared and squinted at my package as if it was her first time meeting him. I rubbed it on her lower lips. She was really wet.

I maintained full eye contact as I slid into her. It was hot. Not warm, HOT. Slowly, I worked my way in, covering all of me with her wetness. She gently moaned my name; as I began to pick up the pace, her voice got louder. She was really tipsy and was beginning to not care about how loud she was. In some way, I felt the hotel intentionally gave us a room at the end of the hallway. I was pushing deeper and deeper. With her legs on my shoulders, I raised her creampie closer to me as I made sure my member hit the deepest corners of her body. Her eyes were closed as she took every inch of me. I wanted to turn her over but she refused. She pushed me onto the couch and dropped on her knees. She slowly took the first few inches of my manhood into her mouth; I knew I was screwed, with her soft lips, wet on my dick. She slobbered all her spit all over it. I was so close to exploding in her mouth. Almost every man can relate when I say, I began coaching and inspiring myself to not let loose. She was that good. She worked her mouth over my shaft. She looked up at me, winked and I immediately felt a shiver down my spine. How was she doing that?

I quickly realized that this was another battle I was going to lose if no action was taken. I quickly got up and grabbed her. She complained that I was being selfish for not letting her make me cum. I asked her to get on all her fours. I slid back into her. It was perfect. Like drinking a cold soft drink in the summer after returning from catching buses all day in the sun. I repeat perfect. I could almost always control myself but somehow I felt like the weed and the alcohol were going to cause me to cum faster than I wanted to. I was stroking in and out of her and she began throwing it back to me too. I was for sure about to explode. I began to grunt and thrust harder. Clearest signs of my ejaculation and then she said

“Shoot inside me baby, I want to feel it all inside me”

“OH HELL TO THE FUCK NO!!!!”

I thought to myself. I remember what I had just been through with Jessica. I was not making that mistake again.

I responded

“NO”

She replied in between moans

“I’m on the pill”

I replied

“And I don’t give a fuck, still…”

I glanced over and saw my reflection in the mirror. Acknowledging my skill, I continued to work and I knew I was about to cum when I heard the ugly words come of my mouth.

“Ugh Ugh Ugh!!!”

It happened. All over her butt, I sprayed every drop.

Clutching my manhood in my hands, I was bent over like a man that had just been punched in the gut. We slumped in bed. A few minutes she was cleaned up and with that satisfied look on her face, she curled up next to me and said

 “Why do you look so tired?”

I glanced over and gave her the dirtiest look I have ever given and thought to myself “how did this happen?”

On our way home from our trip, while we stopped to buy gas’ Jessica called me and said

 “I’m in town we need to talk. Come to my hotel room tomorrow. I’ll text the deets” 

I actually thought to myself that this was perfect. I was going to roll up in there and tell her it was over and I wanted to begin working towards getting serious with someone else.

.   .   .   .   .

 The biggest mistake I would make was eventually lying to Sarah about where I was going to the next day. I had picked up some flowers and I was planning to surprise Sarah with them when Jessica called and asked that I come over immediately. So I headed there, not realizing that I had the flowers in my hand. Right before I walked into the room, Sarah called me and asked me where I was. I lied and said that I was at my friend’s house in a different city. Jessica was in her bathrobe, obviously her attempt to get my attention and potentially start something.

I began talking to her about how we both have been through a lot and needed to grow, apart. She looked at me with a look of confusion.

 “What?! So you mean the flowers aren’t mine? You’re not trying to fuck me anymore? Cos you got some new chick right?!”

 I knew Jessica, and I knew engaging her was just going to put me in more trouble.

I kept calm and explained to her that I just wanted to grow alone. She was not having it. She began to yell. At the top of her lungs she was shouting assault, rape and battery. I was stunned. I wanted to stop her but she just kept on yelling. I began begging her to stop but she was not listening. A few minutes later, I heard a knock on the door; it was the police.

I cracked the door open and attempted to explain to the officers what had happened. She started yelling from the back of the room.

“He hit me, he hit me”

The officer politely asked me to step outside the room and he cuffed me. I was in hand cuffs!!!! For what?!

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I sat there hoping they would see she was lying.  A few minutes later, the officer returned and said she claimed I pushed her. I had pushed her at one point when she charged at me but I did not hit her. Fuck!

The officer said he was going to have to take me downtown to get my statement and then go from there. I was stunned. How did this happen to me?

I looked at Jessica as they walked me away and she had a smile on her face. This woman was pure evil.

The entire ride to the station, all I could say in my head was

“What The Heck Man”

 We reached the station and the police booked me after taking my statement. I was told I could be released on bail and given a preliminary stay away order from Jessica.

I had my one phone call.

Who would I call? I could not call Sarah because I had lied about where I was earlier. So I reverted to calling the one person who was always there for me and was always ready to support me through everything.

I dialed Anna’s number and she answered, I told her the whole story and she responded.

 “I’m sorry, I’m not coming down there”

I was stunned and this overwhelming sense of loneliness came over me.

I put the phone down and I was taken back into the holding cell. How did I get here?

From trying to be a player, to this?

All these women in my life and I was going to spend the night in jail alone.

Well, I needed some covers to hide under tonight; this man in the corner was staring squarely at me like he wanted me.

I dropped my head and sighed. I seemed to always have a lot of women around me and here I was all alone. No one to call. Trust issues shackled me, my indecisiveness and the fear of getting hurt have led me further down into this dark place. Like when I started, here I am alone again. The jig was up, Zane.

Undercover Player?

Game Over?

                                                                                                   Watch Out for Undercover Player 4

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Croquet crab and sauteed vegetables to go with my 1958 Merlot. Smooth jazz playing in the background. This is supposed to be the second most amazing day of our relationship but I swear, I can’t wait to be out of here. It’s New York. The Friday of our 4 day trip, we arrived about 22 hours ago from our base in Los Angeles. Settling into the time difference we had to prep and head out for dinner to celebrate our first year anniversary. Now don’t get me wrong, this is amazing but it has also been very excruciating. The flight down here, I joined the mile high club. Well, kinda. See for the past month, my boyfriend and I had set up this game where we would not have “sex” (defined as the actual penetration of me) for a whole month. Starting from that day till today. It has been 31 days since we had that late night conversation and agreed albeit stupidly to this thing. So on the plane, in that decent sized first class bathroom, I only got to taste. And I hate tasting without the full course!

He lives only 29 minutes away, I know that because it also takes 44 during rush hour, yet we have managed to successfully keep this “pact” to not to “do it” going for that long. He’s a doctor. Doctor of Education but who cares, I still tell my friends he’s a doctor. I’m the next in line to be the ADA (Assistant District Attorney of LB), I start my new position in 3 weeks. There is a bit of nervousness around starting but I’m excited. We met at a club, despite my sworn oath to not talk to guys I meet at the club, we somehow started up and never looked back. He’s funny, outgoing, charming, very family oriented, God fearing and above all damn sexy! You wouldn’t understand but his lips! Ugh! they are a combination of Tyson Beckford’s thick and dreamy lips and the lusciousness of Wale’s. They are perfect and the things they can do? Even more magical and that’s what brings me to this moment where I say I really don’t want to be here. See I feel sexually starved. No, I’m not a freak (he thinks otherwise and I’m fine with that) but I want him so badly. He has made this past month easier and harder along the way. The words, his poems, the way he looks at me; have either served to make me not need the sex that bad but made me crave it even more. I need to get out of here!

“Babe, would you like desert?” he asked me jolting me back into reality. I shook my and politely said “no”. I had just lied. I did want desert but not some pie, I wanted the crème filling in his member, I wanted him to glaze them all over my breasts like 6am donuts. All night from the back area of the limo, I had been dreaming of him ripping my panties off and devouring me. Letting my juice box feel the heat from his nostrils as my juices dripped down and all over his face and chin. At one point, I just wanted to ask him to meet me in the ladies room and pound the shit out of me but I didn’t. I was respectful of myself.

“Sweetie, where is your mind?” he said as he tapped me back again, this time there was a box laying in front of me. Rectangular. It could not be a ring, box was too big and it was not a watch, his favorite accessory and something I don’t wear. I slowly opened the box and there it was the necklace I had randomly mentioned wanting 5 months prior. He had listened and remembered and thought it was important. Ladies, you know how it feels when your man listens to you. Oh that was it! I told him to get up and follow me, he was trying to settle the check while I was trying to rush out. “babe, what’s going on?” he asked looking confused and interested, I told him not to worry, he’d find out soon. Now we were walking into our room, I started kissing him. Deeply and passionately. Letting him know how much I had missed him and wanted him. His arms are so strong and they made me feel safe. So I was not surprised when he swooped me off my feet in one move and carried me to the bed. As he lay me down, all I could think was, “omg! This is about to be magic”. He started off by taking my lace panties off; with his mouth. Then this is what I remember from that night… He started to kiss me all over, I started moaning and then he started moving in, kissing the insides of my thighs all the way down to my juicebox. I was so wet I could hear my juices dripping out of my pink and I bet he could smell the delicious chocolate coming out of my wet factory. He started teasing me, going around the box without actually going in and I hated it because I wanted his hot tongue to just plough through my dripping walls lapping up all my creamy juices. Well after kissing my lips, neck, sucking on my soft breast, licking down my navel, it was time to “drink” and so he headed down south, to my chocolate factory. When he first touched my reached my spot with his tongue I let out this moan of relief and excitement and I was ready to go! He started sucking on my clit as I moaned loudly and grabbed the soft hotel sheets. He went in deeper and deeper and I yelled out so many crazy things. I faintly remember yelling “don’t stop! Eat this pussy its yours!!”  All that I felt just gave him more of a desire to go in for more. After he had taken enough from a juice box that he had caused to flood, it was time for his member to join the party. He slid into my tight pink, I moaned so loud, grabbed the sheets with one hand and scratched his back so hard. Adding to his “battle scars” I loved it! I love how his shaft engulfs my insides, it knows all the right routes to follow and how to make me pur. I loved every position he put me in. He becomes this freak in bed and does all these things to me; he basically performs magic on my body.

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He then moved me outside to the balcony; we were lodged at the Ritz Carlton hotel on the 18th floor! He bent me over and started to feast on me again, this time from the back, I could feel the ocean breeze from the east blowing through my legs while the heat from his nostrils kept it warm. It was definitely crazy! And me moaning and begging him to stop never really works, I think he just knows the difference between a pleasure “no” and a real “no”. So picture this with me for a second, I’m in New York with the man I love, and I’m having the time of my life and oh did I forget to mention that he shoving his face deep into all my juices 18 floors of the ground?! He put in work, after a while he then whipped out his bossman; for my satisfaction and shoved it deep into me without warning and I let out this sexy and wanting moan. His was looking into my eyes, calling my name, saying “he loved me and was enjoying taking all of me! He then flipped me over to my favorite position and he started pounding, pounding hard with his balls slamming against my clit. We went on and I hit the heights I think twice to be exact but I hit so many heights heck i’m not sure. I might have made it rain twelve times for all I know. We eventually passed out and slept in the sheets on the floor of the hotel room, right inside the balcony door. Only to wake up to a slight knocking and a soft voice saying in that famous South American accent “housekeeping!”… Oh crap! In my kissing him outside the door the night before I had forgotten to put the “Do Not Disturb” sign up. Oh well, we were up. I asked her to come back later and told him I was about to hop into the shower.

I was really enjoying the shower as the last bit of soap washed down my back, my head down a few seconds later I watched it flow into the drain. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, I was actually kind of tired from all the nights work. I heard him enter. Slowly I heard the shower door open; I did not open my eyes. I felt his presence in there with me and then he put his hands around my waist, I was feeling the hot water hit my forehead and his hot breath from his nostrils down my spine. He began to kiss the back of my neck downwards, I began to cringe. The bath seemed to get a few notches hotter. I could feel his soft lips running down my back while his right hand parted my chocolate filled lips, massaging my clit, I began to moan and then he slowly slid his finger into my lovebox. I let out a gentle moan all the while keeping my eyes closed as the hot water continued to flow down my face. He bent me over and I knew what was coming, I felt his breath get closer as he shoved his face into my rear and ploughed his tongue deep into my lovebox. I moaned and grabbed the shower knob, this was not the shower head, and it was many times better. The rush was longer, from my wet crown to my water deep ankles, I slowly attempted to open my eyes to get a glance of him working. The flowing waters quickly changed my mind about that. He was buried in there. His tongue navigating through the wetness and I was wet, very wet. He was lapping up all my juices with such ease and poise preventing any drop for seeping out of my heated box. I reached back, grabbed his head and shoved it in deeper and the pleasure grew. This man was about to make me cum and just then he rose, slowly positioned me and then slid his rock hard member into my tight wet and juicy lovebox, I went mad accidently taking a few gulps of water. The tub was small but he was definitely going to make the most of the space. It was hot.

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