Standing over the kitchen sink and looking outside the window into the small backyard of the condo, my head was spinning.
Why was this my luck?
Why couldn’t I just fall for a man who would treat me right and not come with added stress?
You know when you are consumed by so much anger and youwant to cry it out?
Like shed the tears before you act and do something you would regret.
I am not sure how long I had been standing there but I heard Tabitha walk into the room.
She said
“Bella, is everything okay?”
I smiled and tried to play it off but in my mind, I was
“asking how in the hell could everything be okay?!
You just sprung a baby on me!!!!”
“How are you ma?
How was your trip?”
I deflected.
She smiled and walked up to. Complete disregard for personal space.
She stood a mere two fee away from me and said
“I see you trying to be strong and thats commendable. It is okay to be angry or disappointed.”
There was a sudden comfort in knowing she understood what I was feeling. She continued and said
“From what I am gathering, you didn’t know that Darrell had a child?..”
I nodded.
She then smiled and said
“If it is any consolation. Neither did he.
He doesn’t even know yet. So it is up to us, you and I, to figure out how to break it to him”
Suddenly, I didn’t feel like the focal point.
It wasn’t about me.
This man didn’t even know that he had fathered a child out in the world. He was only a few hours away from returning home and I had to figure out how to tell him that he would be a daddy…to two children.
….
“So Tabitha (she insisted I call her that), how do you know that it is Darrell’s and who is the mother?’
She sipped from her tea and set it on the coaster.
She leaned back in her seat and started
“I came back from a funeral about 3days ago. I was in the shower when I heard a knock on the door.
It took me a few minutes to make it out but when I did, there was no one at the door. Just this beautiful baby boy.
I could tell he was Darrell’s just from how draw I was to him. His eyes.
There was a birth certificate in the car seat and it was signed by Darrell’s ex wife but had his name listed as the father.
I pondered on what do but there was no way in hell that I was going to tell him that kind of information over the phone.
So I spoke to my pastor and booked a flight. And here we are.
I tried to contact her but she did not answer. She and Darrell never had a bad divorce, so I don’t know why she did this but here we are”
She sighed and picked up her tea again while she glanced over to the baby peacefully sleeping on the couch. He was beautiful.
Tucked behind a wall of pillows, he was just safe.
“How old is he?”
I asked.
“7 months.”
She replied
“His name is Devon”
I sat back in my chair and rested on my right side while my left hand rubbed my bulging stomach.
“I don’t know what to do Ms. Tabitha. I don’t know how to tell Darrell.
This is a lot”
She smiled and said
“There is nothing we cannot conquer under the sun. Besides, that is why I am here.
You will not be doing this alone”
I will be here with you”
There truly was something comforting about her. I knew there was a reason her son was so amazing.
She smiled and sipped from her tea again and then placed the cup down.
…..
I was talking to my cousin on the phone up in our bedroom when I heard Darrell’s car pull up in the driveway.
My heart started to beat really fast.
I remember glancing at my Fitbit on my left wrist and exhaling.
Heading down the stairs, I caught a glimpse of Ms. Tabitha.
She was standing by the front door.
She smiled as I approached and she stretched out her right hand and squeezed my left hand.
I was nervous.
The door opened and Darrell stood shocked in the doorway.
It was as if he couldn’t believe that his mother was standing there.
She moved closed to him and opened her arms.
He leaned in and took in her hug.
“Mom, what are you doing here?”
She smiled and said
“I came to see my son”
as she patted him on his cheek.
He placed his bag by the bookshelf to the right of the door and kissed me on the lips as he said
“Hey baby”
I forced a smile and he caught it.
He said
“Whats wrong babe?”
Before I could respond, his mom said
“D, come sit down. I need to talk to you”
He looked at me with a slight frown and said
“Okay…”
as he took his seat on the couch.
I sat on the loveseat closest to his mother as she started talking.
“So a few days ago, it came to my attention that you have a son.
You ex wife dropped him off at my home and here I am…
There is a lot more to the story but I am sure you know it better than either one of us.
The child is here with me because I wanted you to know and meet him. I can fully step up and raise him like I did you.
I totally understand wanting to start afresh with Bella. But I wanted to make sure I let you know”
Darrell looked stunned.
It took him a moment to process and then he said
“So she lied when she said she miscarried…
Wow”
I wanted to get up and go to him but I also knew that he needed space.
He looked like he was angry and shocked at the same time.
But true to character, he took a deep breath and said
“Where is my son?”
His mother pointed to the guest room.
The way Darrell held him, I could tell. I could tell that through all the mistakes I made with Mfon, this was the man.
Tears began to roll down his cheeks as he kissed Devon on the forehead.
He turned and looked at me and before he could speak, I said
“Devon”
A wry smile and the tears streamed down.
He was proud.
There was going to be an aftermath to this event but in that moment, all that mattered was the moment.
He loved that child from the moment he set his eyes on him.
And I loved him even more.
Ms. Tabitha returned home and then came back to stay with us.
As I neared delivery and Devon moved in, I needed extra hands and she was truly my rock.
A perfect mother in law and I couldn’t be more thankful.
A new chapter was upon us and my structured story seemed like it was being written on a fresh page, filled with color and love.
…..
Everything was happening fast.
I was so excited for my future and the challenges to come.
I essentially was raising two new borns at the same time.
I think it was shortly after my sister had posted my pictures from the maternity shoot, but I received a call that shook me.
It was Mfon.
He called that afternoon and we spoke for a little while.
In that conversation, he apologized.
He told me that he saw my pictures with Darrell and he could tell I was happy.
Him not signing the papers was only because he could not come to terms with the fact that he let things get bad between.
I urged him to seek help and follow his heart.
If he wanted to be loved by the same sex, he should live his truth.
He told me that he had sent the papers over.
Signed.
And that I could come and take whatever items I wanted from the house, as Darrell and I moved into our new home.
It made me chuckle because that was how he was. Trying to do the sweet thing.
But it was unnecessary.
My life had moved forward and I didn’t want anything from the past to follow on.
Our chapter closed and that was the last time we spoke.
Darrell was facing his own challenges with his ex wife. She was being very difficult and trying to start a custody battle with him over Devon.
Even after she dropped him off!
I was furious but Darrell always told me not to stress.
One evening I heard him yelling on the phone to her
“…you just want Devon because Bella is being a better mother than you would ever be!
You gave him up! and now you want him back?!
No way… take me to court!
I will fight this with every bone in me! I can promise you that!”
When he came up to bed that night, I didn’t say a word.
I kissed his forehead and told him I loved him.
I knew it wasn’t the solution he sought but it was the best I had.
….
PLEASE DON’T FORGET TO SELECT MY NEXT SERIES BELOW.
….
A few days later, my life changed.
My status changed and my world began to orbit around another. My daughter and heart; Daisy.
I will never forget the pain and strength it took to arrive there.
Everything I had been through to that point was a precursor to where I needed to be.
Divorce, heartbreak, betrayal, restarting.
None of it came close to those moments when they asked me to push and I had past my limit of pushing.
But somehow as a mother, you dig deep.
Deeper.
Deeper than you have even gone.
You get lost in the love and life you bring that you forget the pain the world tries to make you see.
I fought for Daisy.
But I had fought for her before she was conceived.
This was Mfon’s child as well but she was all mine.
So here I was through all I stayed through, trying to hold my last marriage together.
I was about to start a family with a man who fathered a child with another and I was bringing a daughter that shared another father.
Life.
But it was my story and as I lay in that recovery room with Daisy in Ms. Tabitha’s hands, I was content.
Gathering my strength back, Darrell came up to me and sat next to me.
He leaned in and kissed my forehead as I forced a smile.
He smiled and then got serious as he said
“Bella, I am proud of you.
Through everything you have been through
You have been a rock
From every turn
And how life tried to make you stop
You conquered all
You are woman
My woman
A fighter and a warrior
Abeaming torch in dark world
You are a mother to these kids and to me
And I promise to love you like its the first time
I swear I will”
My eyes filled up.
I couldn’t say much but
“Darrell, I fucking love you”
He smiled and said
“Shhhh…we have kids now!
You can’t be using that kind of language”
I laughed.
A few minutes passed and then he said
“Oh babe, I noticed there was a huge purchase on the Chase credit card, was that you?”
I laughed even harder.
He smiled but looked surprised and then he said
“Whats funny babe?”
I continued to chuckle and then I stopped and said
“Let’s just say that someone’s ex wife will be receiving a huge delivery of expired baby food”
Still confused he said
“Who?”
I squeezed his hand and said
“Don’t worry my love. Don’t worry”
It clicked for him and he said
“Bella!
You are so petty!”
I smiled, shrugged and said
“At least, I’m still beautiful right?”
He nodded and leaned in for a kiss as he said
“Yes you are. Oh yes you are”
The End.
Bella is a story of triumph and glory. A thank you to women.
To those that stand firm and fight hard. For what they believe in and what is right.
There is a Bella in all of us. She went through so much. Life threw curve balls at her and she stayed strong. Think of your life, your 2016 and how many times you have falled but gotten back up. How many times did people do you wrong and expecte you to fail?
You are a fighter and a winner.
I wrote Bella for the women I know in my life that have been through one battle or another and those who are striving for better each day.
Your strength is life and life will favor you.
Never give up.
Be less petty.
And always happy.
Bella is my gift to you. Your true beauty is a gift to the world.
Mfon clutched his face as he recovered from the heat and shock that just slapped him.
I wanted to strangle him.
“You stupid piece of shit. You really had me out here crying over your sorry ass!”
I was spewing all sorts of curses on his head.
All I remember was being carried out of the restaurant.
My fingers were sticky from some of the coffee. I was dripping in rage as the once sweet syrup that soaked our love, now tasted like stale burnt bread.
As I waited for Darrell to come out of the now chaotic restaurant. The police showed up.
They walked right past us and into the restaurant. Darrell, came out and we got into the car.
He didn’t speed or anything.
He just drove.
We arrived back at the house and he turned off the engine.
Mine was still running-overdrive.
I was filled with so much anger.
It truly felt like I had been injected with a cocktail of emotions. At an alarming speed, my brain was combing through emotions.
He quietly exited the car and walked into the house.
I just sat there; thinking and scheming.
I wanted to get him back.
I wanted to make him pay. This man put his hands on me.
And left marks that scarred beyond the physical. There was a mixture of failure and a resolution to make him pay, in the worst ways.
I considered telling his family members and the entire Nigerian community.
If only I was truly that wicked but I knew I couldn’t bring myself to do it.
I almost felt cuffed by the institution. But I only had myself to blame.
After all, I went in there and asked them to join me to this worthless being.
I hated the church.
I hated my family.
Questioned my own instincts and suddenly I arrived at it; I blamed Bella.
I must have been in the car for a minute because when I walked in Darrell was asleep.
I headed straight for the shower after I placed my purse down.
The water was really hot. I lowered myself to the floor of the shower and just allowed the water to beat my skin.
Each drop burned but not as much as every memory that floated into my mind.
I really wanted to not think about him. I thought of the two years wasted.
Of all the things I put on hold for the betterment of this man.
I swear, I felt used.
My mind went back to our wedding night.
How handsome he looked in that tuxedo. How his smile lit up the room and tickled my pink.
How I couldn’t wait to be his wife. How I couldn’t wait to cook for him. Pray for and with him. Hold him up.
How I couldn’t wait for him to enter me in the worst ways. And then he threw it all away for someone else. Much less another man.
I started crying and I didn’t know I was loud until I heard Darrell come in.
He said,
“Babe, are you okay?”
I didn’t bother to stop crying.
He came in closer and said,
“Bella, are you okay?”
“I’m okay. I just want to be by myself”
I replied through water.
He stopped in his tracks and said,
“But Bella, I am here for you.”
I could feel his helplessness but I truly just wanted to be alone.
I heard him exit the bathroom.
The shower was not refreshing. I walked out feeling physically clean and emotionally soiled.
I dried myself off and walked into the room.
He was sitting upright in the dark on his phone. As I walked into the room, he placed his phone down and the room was pitch black except for the lighting from the DVR beneath the television.
I hit the light switch and the room lit up.
Standing by the bathroom door with a glum face, I opened my mouth and tried to speak but the words didn’t come out.
I could see the anticipation in his eyes, he wanted to know what he could do to fix it for me.
But there was no short fix.
I stood there and tried again.
This time the words came out.
“Darrell, I’m pregnant.”
His eyes grew big and he seemed excited for a brief second and then it vanished.
He then said,
“Is it mine?”
My head dropped.
I replied,
“No, its not.”
He got up and walked to me.
His arms provided the warmth and his heart the safety I needed. He wrapped them around me and kissed my forehead.
I wasn’t sure how things would play out but in that moment I felt safe.
……
The weeks slowly added up and I fully moved in to Darrell’s place. He was still shuttling between both cities and I would stay in the house when he was gone.
I was still in love with this man.
It was happening with each passing day.
I would find myself picking up the nuggets from my last experience and trying to apply them with Darrell.
He was so sweet and considerate. I could see him going the extra mile for me and wanting to take care of me.
My belly was growing and my anger towards Mfon was reducing.
I was feeling myself allowing him back in.
I really did not want to forgive but I could not hold my anger.
The days were long as I worked part time and mostly from home. I had too much time on my hands.
Mfon would call and try to explain himself. Our families also wouldn’t take their foot off the gas.
Everyone wanted me to forgive him for the sake of the baby.
You see my view was that I had always hesitated around bringing a baby into the world. And now I was going through with it, with a man I could not trust. So I had to be sure, I protected my child and most importantly my own life.
One evening, I was in the worst of moods.
In limbo, I hated where I was. Mid divorce, pregnant and living in the house of another man.
I think when I envisioned my life as a woman, none of those things came to mind as possibilities.
So I felt unfulfilled and behind schedule. Angry at myself and some of the decisions that got me there.
I was in my feelings as Darrell returned from a long shift.
In my mind, I knew that it was the best time for the kind of conversation I was about to start with him. But somewhere in there, I needed that validation. I needed to hear him say the things I wanted to hear.
“How was your day?”
I asked him as he unbuttoned his shirt.
Without looking at me, he replied,
“It was good. Just really long”
I went quiet for a bit and then I said,
“I was thinking today…what are we doing here?”
He glanced at me and said,
“What do you mean?”
“I just want to know what we are doing here. This baby, getting the divorce, living with you. I just want to know. What are your plans?
Why am I here?”
He looked confused as he slid on his shorts. He said,
“We have talked about this before and I think you know my intentions. So why is this coming up?”
I scoffed and said,
“You know what, never mind.”
He growled in frustration and said,
“Bella, you know thats mad annoying. Can you please just tell me whats going on?”
I knew I had him. But I couldn’t just bring myself to speak up then.
“Darrell its nothing really”
He was trying so hard to not lose his cool. He sighed as he came and sat next to me.
He asked me again,
“Bella, if something is the matter, can you lets just talk about it now.
There is no reason to start something and then say nothing.”
I still didn’t respond.
He waited a few minutes and then he sighed really loudly and got up.
As he was about to talk, I spoke,
“So what am I to you?
This version of a wife in your home. Am I just here so you can feel good about yourself?
Do you even care about me?… Like wtf happens when this baby comes?
You’ll just be over me”
I looked at his face as I stopped talking. Shock, anger, disappointment and disgust all mixed in one.
He took a step back and said,
“Bella, are you fucking serious right now?”
I looked away. He didn’t say much after that.
“Bella, you know better and you are just wrong for all that. I have nothing to say.
I’ll sleep in the other room.”
He exited the room and I think that sent me over the edge.
Now I was so angry at myself because I didn’t get what I wanted and there was no hope of me getting it.
I cried that night as I felt empty.
He never left that room all night.
The next morning, he was gone before I woke up.
I went into the room, hoping to apologize and he wasn’t there.
I tried to go about my day, hoping to apologize for my childish behavior later that night.
So when I heard a knock on the door around midday, I was nervously excited. I thought he had come back from work early and we were going to squash things.
I made my way to the door and opened it up without looking through the peephole and there he was.
Mfon.
….
“Mfon, what are you doing here?”
I was surprised and certainly taken aback.
He tried to smile.
“I had to see you, Bella”
He replied.
“How did you get this address?”
I asked,
“I just asked the right questions. Can I come in?”
I replied with a sharp,
“No”
He nodded and continued,
“Well I just wanted to let you know that I want your forgiveness and I am willing to work for it.
But more importantly, I am not letting go. I want to be in the life of my child, so I will do everything possible”
I nodded and said,
“I have nothing against you being in the life of our child but I just want to be clear that we are over.
I would really appreciate if you just signed the papers and allowed the courts to do their job.
This whole year has been stressful enough. I just want to move on”
Still standing at the foot of the stairs, he looked up to me and said,
“I’m not signing those papers”
I couldn’t believe the words coming out of his mouth. I wanted to jump on him and bite his neck off.
“Are you fucking kidding me? After everything!
You better sign those papers or I will make your life a living hell Mfon, a living hell!”
I was fuming and yelling at the top of my lungs when I noticed Darrell’s car pulling up.
He parked in the driveway and hopped out.
Mfon turned and started to back away.
As he walked away, he said,
“I’ll be in touch”
Darrell walked past him as he nodded.
As he got close to me and said,
“What did he want?”
I turned around and walked into the house.
Darrell followed me in and said,
“Bella, are you okay?”
I turned and said,
“No!
No I’m not okay!
He’s not letting me move on”
Darrell moved closer to me and then he took my hand.
He looked down at me as I looked up to him and very softly, he said,
“Marry me”
I couldn’t believe the words. I stepped back and said,
“What?”
He didn’t bat an eye.
He repeated himself,
“Marry me Bella”
All I could think was WhatTheHeckMan.
…..
I was on a cloud.
In a different planet to be very honest.
The stars were beneath my toes and I felt so happy.
The way Darrell took care of me, ladies would understand. He checked the boxes and I could see a great father in him.
The lawyers were doing their work and the divorce process was nearing a close.
We had started looking at homes in the area and preparing for our next chapter.
Everything was falling in place.
I was returning from the grocery store that Sunday evening. As I emptied the trunk and I was taking the groceries into the house, a car pulled up and an older woman came out.
She stopped me and said,
“You must be Bella”
I nodded and said,
“Yes and you are?”
She smiled and said,
“My name is Tabitha and I am Darrell’s mother.”
I felt a twitch. I had heard so much about her and I was very sad that we hadn’t properly met.
“Oh my God!
It’s so nice to meet you ma. Come in!”
She smiled really big and took in my hug before pulling away and becoming very serious.
She looked at me and said,
“So are you ready to be a mother?”
I smiled and nodded as I said,
“Yes ma. I am excited”
She shook her head and then pointed to the back seat of the car she had just exited. Then she said,
“Not to the baby inside of you. A mother to that child.
Darrell’s son”
She looked at me and I looked at her.
No words were said but there was something deep I felt.
Oh Lord, say it with me y’all What The Bloody Heck Man!
PLEASE COMMENT.
Return for the concluding Part of the Bella series on Saturday!
I looked over to my right as the older woman next to me said
“You made it?”
I didn’t reply.
I was still trying to catch my breath. But yes, I made it.
As I waited, I just wanted this moment to pass.
Deep breaths.
Inhale and Exhale.
I closed my eyes, kicked my head back and l clutched my sides.
“Just get it over with.”
I thought to myself.
A few seconds later, there were faint voices and I took another deep breath.
Movement.
I heard a thud but I didn’t open my eyes or move. I clutched my sides harder.
With my eyes closed, I stepped out of the moment and back into a time.
It felt like a recoil of an old VHS tape. Momentarily stopping to take in certain memories.
It had been a long weekend.
Being out in the DMV to attend Monét’s wedding brought back so many memories.
We had graduated from law school together, passed the bar around the same time and even did our internships together.
Monét was more than a friend to me.
She was a sister I never had and one I loved dearly.
The thing with Monet was this; she was the last link to what my life used to be.
Our party days, men, our “reckless” nights, be daring moments…
Basically my past.
So anytime, I was around her, there were either pieces she was still connected to or memories that she brought up for me.
So this past weekend was bittersweet.
Monet finally got married to Victor and I found out they have a baby on the way.
I couldn’t be more pleased but the joy they shared only reminded me of what I once had.
The turbulence of my life in the last two years, met me at the height of my womanhood.
In peak position to dominate, I have had to contend with the challenges of womanhood on a completely different plane.
Through it all, I have maintained that my attitude will affect my altitude.
The “seat belt off” sign went off.
Tails up.
……
“Miss, you dropped this”
A deep voice bolted through my unconscious and tickled my ears drums.
I slowly opened my eyes and there he was.
Flashing that amazing smile, he stood over me and said
“You dropped this”
I looked down from his pursed pink lips and made a quick stop on his arms. Before traveling to his hand, where he held on to my Pink Lemonade Snapple drink.
He outstretched it to me and I said
“Thanks”
He was supposed to walk away. This was his opportunity to turn around but he asked
“Can I sit?”
I smiled and shrugged and he sat on the aisle seat across from mine.
He wouldn’t stop smiling.
It bordered on creepy but the man was just so handsome, it could be forgiven.
It was his perfect teeth, his eyes almost disappeared when he smiled.
He had that deep baritone in his voice and he made amazing eye contact.
And he had the perfect lips, they parted and glistened as he licked them every often.
“Hi, my name is Darvell.
Whats your name?”
I smiled and said
“Bella”
He smiled as he leaned over and said
“Well nice to meet you Bella”
As he was about to speak, someone got up and made their way towards the back of the plane.
He leaned back and let them walk by but then he returned and said
“So where are you headed Bella?”
I tried to keep the conversation short as I replied
“Home”
There was a scoff and smile as he replied and said
“Where is home?”
“Atlanta”
He smiled and responded
“This is my first time in Atlanta… Maybe you can show me around?”
I smiled and said
“I don’t think my husband would appreciate that”
“Oh you’re married?”
He answered with surprise laced on his perfect lips.
I smiled and lifted my left hand so he could see my wedding ring.
He looked even more surprised as he said
“I don’t see a wedding ring”
I looked down at my hand and noticed my ring wasn’t there.
Shit.
Where did I leave it?
Oh I remember! I left it on the bathroom sink while I washed my face and tried to hide my tears.
The night before my trip when my husband had gotten into a huge fight.
I gathered myself and said
“Yeah, I just forgot it at home but I am married”
He chuckled and shrugged as he said
“Well forgetting your ring is not a good sign in any marriage.
But what do I know, I’m not married”
“How are you not married?”
I replied with surprise.
“Divorced. And no, I don’t have any kids because I know thats your next question”
I laughed and said
“You don’t know that!”
He was right.
That was my next question.
We talked about his work, his failed marriage, my job and my marriage as best as I would let him get. There was talk about my ambitions as a lawyer. Plans to become a judge.
And even favorite TV shows over the two hour flight from New York.
I would be lying if I said the conversation wasn’t stimulating.
He was just easy to look at and might I add, very smart.
The plane landed and he moved back to his seat a few rows behind me.
As we exited into baggage claim, he smiled and said
“I’m in ATL for a week, maybe we can grab coffee or you can be my tour guide. With your husbands permission”
I smiled and waved him goodbye.
A quarter of an hour later, I had my suitcase in my hand and I walked outside.
No sight of my husband.
I continued to call his phone and he didn’t answer.
It was cold and I was getting even more frustrated.
After about 10 more minutes, I realized he wasn’t coming.
I was washed with sadness and regret as I turned to my left.
There he was, Darrell, on his phone.
I walked up to him as he coordinated his ride.
I tapped him on his shoulder and he turned around.
As he liked at me he said
“Hold on”
to the person on the other side and then I said
“Can I still take you up on that coffee?”
……..
Dinner was getting cold.
I moved it to the microwave, returned the juice to the fridge and refilled my glass of wine.
As I sat down not he couch watching Love and Hip Hop ATL, I scanned the room and let out a deep sigh.
This was not what I wanted.
I wanted nights tucked away in the arms of my hero.
Lately my mother had been encouraging me to stay strong. To keep my home.
But my heart was emptier than my 4 bedroom home.
Why was I being encouraged to stay?
And no one was telling him to fix up.
Why was I taking this?
I deserved better than this. I leaned back and down my glass.
A yawn.
An invite into the safety of my unconscious.
A singular expression of me.
Where the “us” was put aside and I could dream about the “me”.
Sleep.
I woke up a few hours later and realized I had fallen asleep on the couch.
I picked up the remote control and turned the TV off.
I slid on my slippers and walked up in the room.
As I climbed into the bed, I swamped the pillows and took the onefrom his side.
I placed it down on my side and laid face down into it.
A long whiff from the pillow.
I missed him.
…
I could hear the clanking keys outside the door of our two bedroom condo, a few seconds after I heard the closing of a car door.
He Uber-ed.
Thank God.
He stumbled through the hallway and made it into the room. The door opened slowly as he noticed I was asleep.
I could hear him almost drowning in his breath, so he didn’t wake me up.
He stopped in front of the dresser and took off his jewelry and he set down his keys.
I stayed still and kept my eyes closed but I could hear him clearly.
Almost like I was directing his steps.
He flicked on the closet light which was behind me from how I was laying.
The light shone over me and hit the wall I was facing. I assumed he was changing into something more comfortable.
The light went off.
There was silence in the room.
And the shower went off.
As I heard him step into the tub, I quickly got up and walked into the closet.
I reached for this pants and immediately stuck my hand in the back pocket, pulling out his wallet.
I flipped it open and looked into one of it’s pockets.
It wasn’t there.
I checked the next one.
It wasn’t there.
I was beginning to panic. I turned the wallet and checked the next set of pockets.
As I put my finger into it, I felt it.
I immediately heaved a sigh of relief.
I pulled out the condom and examined it. I was still staring at it when the shower stopped.
I heard him getting out of the shower.
I placed it back the way it was and shoved his wallet back into his pants.
It was the fastest I had run in a while but by the time he was stepping out of the bathroom, I was back under the covers.
But I had seen something drop from his pocket.
There obviously was no time to put it back.
A few minutes later he was in bed.
He came up behind me and pulled me in.
He whispered “I love you baby”
I faked a sleepy voice and mumbled, “I love you too daddy”
He smiled as we spooned to sleep.
I could hardly sleep.
My mind kept racing about how we had gotten to this point after just getting married two years ago.
Here I was hoping if he cheated, he used a condom and playing detective.
This was not the life I wanted or the oneI chose.
I finally fell asleep.
The next morning, I was up.
I could not get up the whole night because he had his hand locked around me as he knocked out like a rock.
Once I was able to wriggle out in the morning, I tiptoed into the closet and scanned the floor.
I soon saw a white paper in the corner, inside a show.
I picked it up.
It was a receipt for chewing gum from a gas station. I flipped it around and noticed a number on the back.
Fuck.
He was still sleeping as I walked out of the room in my nightgown and into the living room.
I picked up the house phone and stared at the number.
I couldn’t wait but a part of me wanted to.
I didn’t know what I would find.
But also not knowing was killing me.
I was going to do it.
I dialed out the number and it began to ring.
And then someone picked up.
It was a man.
My eyes grew big as he said
“Hello”
I immediately relaxed. At least it was a guy.
And my husband wasn’t gay.
So whew!
I dodged a bullet.
I gathered myself and I was about to hang up when the man on the other end said
“Bella”
I almost choked.
How did he know my name?
I remember saying
“Huh?”
I could almost hear his smile.
He said
“Well, I’m glad your husband gave you the message and my number.
Its been a while and I’m assuming by how surprised you are, he still doesn’t know.
We ran into each other last night and I wanted him to give you my number. Being as we grew up together and I haven’t heard from you since”
I was stunned.
How?
What were the odds?
We got married in Nigeria and the last I checked, that was where he lived.
I uttered
“Chibuzo, its been a while.
Umm..I don’t even know what to say”
He laughed and said
“You got married and ran away na.
Makes perfect sense. At least we had one last magical night before your marriage. I will never forget it.
Unless you’re trying to create another memory…”
“Thats not going to happen”
I immediately shut down the idea.
and then I continued and said
“That was a mistake I made before I got married and I love my husband.
I could never do that again”
As I finished the statement, I heard him say
“Do what again?”
Shit.
I swallowed hard and slowly turned around.
It was my husband.
I heard the dial tone ringing through the phone as he had ended the call.
It was frankly that moment, that my marriage also ended.
Some important information for Part 2…..
Welcome to #WhatTheHeckMan. If this is your very first time you are visiting the blog, I appreciate you stopping by. You are now part of the family.
I hope you enjoyed what you just read. If you did and if you didn’t, please leave me a COMMENT.
I live for those comments and they inspire me to write more and create better content.
Bella walks us through the highs and struggles of a Black woman trying to find her balance in the a demanding and largely unfair world. But I tell you this, no single story written by me, follows one track. So get ready for a bumpy but exciting ride!
Again, welcome to #SanmiSaturdays and #WhatTheHeckMan.
I appreciate you and I am lucky to share my art with you.
Thank you.
Word travelled fast as I left the hospital and returned home.
Think of gossip flowing through the grapevine between Nigerian Aunties. It moved faster than your mood from angry to not angry after you get your hands on food.
There were calls of concern and care.
People were genuinely worried about me and I could feel the love.
Taiwo and Cynthia were basically living with me at this point and I could truly feel their love in it’s purest form.
I was trying to live a normal life but no one was normal. I could feel the pain in all their hearts.
But I was the only one that knew was I was feeling.
One afternoon, I heard a knock on the door as I exited the bathroom.
I sluggishly walked to the door.
I leaned forward and looked into the peep hole, it was like my eyes were playing tricks on me.
Back, I leaned and then forward again.
On second glance, I saw clearly that it was Annie.
As I opened the door, I stepped to the side and allowed her in.
Standing in the same spot where I had slumped a few days prior, she said
“Hi Kola”
I turned the lock on the door and said
“Hi Annie”
as the words left my tongue, Taiwo came out of the room and into the hallway.
She was looking dead at Annie when she said
“What are you doing here?”
Annie sighed.
Before she could answer, I jumped in and said
“Taiwo, can you please give us some privacy?”
She rolled her eyes and said
“I asked her to tell me why she’s here and I want an answer”
as she approached Annie and I.
Annie replied and said
“I came to show honest care and concern. Something you obviously know nothing about”
I could almost hear Taiwo grinding her teeth as her fists clenched.
I immediately changed my standing position to occupy a space between both of them and I again said
“Taiwo, please go back to the room please”
She hissed and said
“You’re lucky”
as stormed back towards the room.
I motioned Annie toward the couch where she sat and I asked
“So what can I do for you?”
She fiddled with her hands and said
“Kola, I just came to apologize and say I’m sorry for all that happened.
I can’t help but feel like I contributed to the whole thing by what I did that day and I’m really sorry”
I made a sound that was almost a mixture of a scoff and a smile as I said
“it’s okay. It’s all in the past now.
We good”
She apologized a bit more and stood to leave when she said
“I heard you were poisoned. I don’t know if you care, but it was not the one who did that. I would never do that to you”
I smiled and didn’t respond as I held open the front door.
She smiled and took a step forward as if to walk out and quickly she turned.
She hugged me and squeezed me.
“Kola, I still love you and I need you.
Please come back to me”
I let go of the door, it slid and closed.
I looked down at Annie as she sobbed. Her tears soaking my shirt.
I placed my hands around her back as I tried to comfort her.
She looked up and our eyes met, I leaned in and I didn’t know when I kissed her.
It was not one of those “she forced herself on me” situations. I actually went in for the kiss.
It felt good.
There was a surge through my body.
She sucked on my bottom lip as our tongues interlocked.
We must have been tongue tied for a few minutes before something clicked in my head that Taiwo was only two doors away.
She stepped back and wiped her juicy lips.
We both smiled and I spoke first
“Annie, we have to talk about this some more but later”
She smiled and said
“I look forward to it”
Not without leaning in and planting another long kiss on my lips before heading out.
I watched her as she walked through the halls and towards the stairwell,
“Oh how do I keep getting myself into this?”
I thought to myself.
Reopening doors that should stay closed. Oh great Nigerian man.
….
My mother was due to arrive that evening.
So right before as Cynthia and Taiwo made dinner in the kitchen, I said to both
“There will be no talk of dying or anything along the lines to my mother.
Okay?”
They both agreed.
I then brought up the earlier interaction as Cynthia and I teased Taiwo.
“…you should have seen her clenching her fist like she was going to beat Annie!
It was so funny!”
I recanted to a beaming Cynthia.
Taiwo jumped in
“I don’t know whats so funny. Me that I was ready to beat her ass. Y’all here laughing”
I replied as I laughed
“She was just trying to apologize”
Taiwo chimed in again and said
“Thats how it starts and then she’ll want to be talking to you. Then she’s kissing you and before you know it, you’re fucking her.
You dont know women”
I laughed as Cynthia suddenly switched sides and agreed with her.
“Yup Kola. It always starts with some cry baby act before we start using our tears to wash your penis.
You know better”
I smiled knowing that Annie’s lips were just all over mine.
but that was for me to worry about.
A few hours later, my mother and Taiwo arrived from the airport.
The mood quickly changed. There was an air of seriousness or cautiousness that my mother brought into the space.
We all ate together and watched a Nigerian movie my mother selected.
About halfway through the movie, my mother looked at me and said
“Kola, je kin ri e.”
Kola let me see you (in private)
We headed to my room, she sat down on the bed and said
“Sit down”
I sat next to her as she began speaking. It was a mixture of simple words and prayers.
She was crying through it all as she said
“….I have learned to not question God but this leaves a big question mark regarding his loyalty to me. I thanked him for you and raised you in his ways and re-dedicated you to him.
This is not fair but I want to tell you that I love you more than my own life”
As she spoke, I felt her heart break into tinier pieces than mine.
My mother was my everything, and to see her shattered like that was hard to swallow.
I reached my hands around her and pulled her close.
She squeezed my shirt and sobbed harder reciting my Oriki (praise poetry, is a cultural phenomenon among the Yòrùbá-speaking people of West Africa.)
I looked down and slowly moved her off me and I said
“Mummy, I’m not dying”
Stunned.
She sat up straight and said
“Ehn!”
I swallowed hard and quietly repeated myself and said
“Mummy, I am not dying.”
She looked at me like I was strange and said
“What are you saying Kola???”
She stood up and raised her voice as she said
“Are you serious???
You had the entire family worried and devastated and you are not sick
Explain it to me!!!”
I stood up and motioned to her, gently asking her to quiet down
as I spoke
“You see, I spoke to the doctor and paid him so we could plan the whole thing.
I just needed a fresh start and for all these women to leave me alone.
It was weighing me down”
Her mouth was ajar.
She was stunned
If she could slap me at that moment, I bet she would have.
There was so much disappointment in her eyes.
I couldn’t hide.
I wanted to hide but I couldn’t.
“A new beginning is moving to a new state or country. Getting a different career, giving your life to God… but this… this is low.
Even for you.
I can’t believe this”
She got up and exited the room.
I wanted to follow her but I was ridden with so much shame.
I just sat on the floor there and played my actions.
All I concluded with was that it needed to be done. It might have seemed horrible to others but to me, it was necessary.
…..
The rest of the week, my mother and I danced around each other. She barely spoke to me.
My mother ranks high as one of the most passive aggressive people I know.
She was clearly upset with me but not saying anything.
Even Taiwo asked me what happened and I played it off as her just being upset with the situation.
It was around 6am when I felt a sharp slap around my shoulder.
It wasn’t your friendly wake up call.
It was firm and painful.
I sprung up and said
“What?!”
It was my mother and she put her finger across her lips.
She stood over me and said
“There are people out in the living room.
You are going to go out there and tell them the truth about all this.
Otherwise, I will”
I looked at her in shock and said
“Huh?”
She looked angry as she said
“Kola, don’t make me slap you here. If you know what is good for you, you will get up and go out there now.
Thank God you know I don’t stand for this nonsense”
I was so upset.
This was why I didn’t want my mother to know about this whole situation.
I sluggishly got myself out of bed with my mother policing me, almost like when I was in grade school.
She walked behind me as I walked to the living room. As I turned the corner, I noticed two people sitting on the couch; Annie and Cynthia.
I actually let out a sigh of relief because Taiwo wasn’t there.
She was the one I wanted anyways.
I sat across from them and finally gathered the courage to speak and I said
“I want to start by saying I am sorry.
I have been selfish and a coward. I have lied to both of you and even made you feel like you weren’t enough for me.
I lied to both of you and others about my medical condition, I am not actually dying. I just did that because I wanted to leave all the situations I have at the moment and return to a stress free life.
I know you probably hate me, but I Truly enjoyed the memories we made and I hope someday you can both forgive me”
Annie said nothing.
She got up, picked her bags and walked out.
I turned and watched her leave.
Cynthia sat there with her hands on her laps and my mom at the end of the couch.
She sighed and said
“It’s unfortunate that you have people that actually love you but you have done such a despicable thing to them.
To bring such grief to people you call family is just downright low and beneath you.
And to think I was holding off on telling you that I was pregnant.”
I gasped and sat straight.
She looked at me and said
“Calm down.
It’s not yours and I’m glad because you changed Kola.
You really changed. This was not the man I fell for.
I wish you all the best but I’m out”
I heaved a sigh of relief. For a quick second, I thought I was going to lose out on everything and somehow have ended up as a father.
Cynthia stood up and left.
She shook her head as she said
“You brought this upon yourself”
She walked and left the house. She would later return as she was still staying with me till she found her own place.
As everything settled, I got up and my mother looked at me. Her glare was telling, then she said most she had said to me in days
“I am proud of you for manning up but I am leaving tomorrow back to Nigeria”
I didn’t even get a reply in. She walked out of the room.
Somewhere in my mind, I felt less pressure on my shoulders.
I still had to talk to Taiwo, at least now we could properly be together.
I picked up my keys and in my shorts,
I headed over to her house.
About 30 minutes later, I was knocking on her door.
My heart was racing.
I heard someone walking towards the door.
It opened moments later.
“Hey babe”
I said.
She smiled and said
“Hi Kola”
That greeting might have sounded normal to everyone else in the world but I knew Taiwo, she was upset.
I looked at her, smiled as I said
“You must have heard huh?”
“Heard what?”
she replied swiftly.
I realized this wasn’t going to be easy.
“Taiwo, I lied about being sick.
I paid the doctor to say all that at the hospital. I just wanted to get everyone out of the way, so we can better together.
I’m sorry I lied to you baby.
I would never do anything to hurt you”
Taiwo closed the door.
Huh?
I was so confused. I heard some shuffling on the other side then the door opened again.
Taiwo had a box in her hand.
She placed it on the floor between us.
Then she stepped in the doorway and said
“You are a liar, manipulator and a self centered prick.
So no. I don’t want you or your love that taints or hurts others.
In this box, I have packed all your shit.
Please leave me alone and never contact me, I don’t need your love.”
She slammed the door.
That was it.
I couldn’t believe what had just unfolded.
I wanted to scream/cry/punch something all in the same breath.
I couldn’t even gather myself to pick up my belongings in the box.
Slowly, I trudged to my car.
The drive back home was painful. I kept playing it all in my head and trying to find ways I could have avoided all of this.
I felt like I had eggs broken only face.
What The Heck Man.
When I returned home, I sat in my car for almost an hour.
You know that defeated stance where you even get home but you can’t bring yourself to go inside.
I finally pulled myself in.
When I opened the door, Cynthia was watching the television and my mother was in the kitchen.
Standing in the door, I couldn’t hold it anymore. I started crying profusely.
Cynthia got up and approached me.
She said
“Are you okay?”
I looked at her as I slumped to the ground.
My mom said
“Whats wrong with him?”
Cynthia said
“Annie posted a secret recording of him confessing that he lied to people about being terminally illl.
It is all over the internet”
I raised my head and looked up to her as I said
“What video?”
She looked at me puzzled and said
“You haven’t seen it?”
I hadn’t seen the video.
Apparently Annie had a camera in her purse, recording me that morning as I confessed being a fucking liar to her.
She had never been one to play fair and I couldn’t even muster anger towards her.
I felt a sharp pain in my stomach.
The tears flowed faster and I slumped farther into darkness.
Cynthia then said
“Kola, you’re bleeding”
I cleaned my nose with my right forearm and there was blood on it.
She asked
“Are you okay?”
My mother hissed and said
“Nosebleeds?
He gets those when it’s too hot or he’s stressed. He brought this stress on himself.
Kola go to the bathroom and wash that nonsense off before you stain the walls”
She walked right past me and into the bedroom.
And in that moment, I realized how low I had fallen.
My reputation was tarnished and I lost all the women I had and even my mother walked away from me as my heart lay broken.
And all I could think was What The… you know the rest.
I hope you enjoyed the Confessions of a Yoruba Demon series. I know lately they have gained prominence for creative heartbreaking techniques and patterns. I enjoyed writing this series and I hope you enjoyed reading it.
Please if you know a Yoruba demon, stay with him. He needs all your love.
LOL it’s play o! RUN!!!!!
But in all good fun, ladies and gentlemen, treat your partners well.
“Yoruba demonizing” is a way of life. WE must all cast and bind!
Please leave a comment/SHARE and let’s meet back up here next Saturday for a brand NEW series from the mind of your one and only
I could feel the cold from the metal bench stinging the lining of my skin as I waited in the holding cell.
There was nothing I had done to deserve this .
In many ways, I felt betrayed by Annie.
Now don’t get me wrong, there was probably something I could have done better in the situation with regards to Taiwo but the turn around time never gave me a chance.
But that still isn’t justify Annie basically lying to the police and threatening my career and future.
One of the officers was understanding as he knew that disagreements with partners can sometimes be over embellished.
Still that didn’t mean I was getting released.
I sat in the cell for more than 20 hours.
Each hour felt like a rerun of watching my favorite team losing the Championship in thefinal seconds of a game; it sickened me.
There were knots in my stomach and I could feel my palms get really sweaty.
How could she do this to me?
I would occasionally drift to my parents, particularly my mother and what she would be feeling if she found out that I had been arrested.
Disappointment. Pain. Helplessness.
Where would I start to explain myself?
My parents sent me to school in the United States when I turned 16.
I had finished high school in Nigeria and my time at Atlantic Hall High School still remains one of my best experiences in life.
I loved growing up in Nigeria and I was extremely appreciative that I had parents that valued hard work and education.
A lot of what I needed was always provided by my parents and I could count on them for anything.
So how would they take this news?
My father never put his hands on my mother, so having to hear that his son was a wife beater?
I felt another knot in my stomach.
Fuck.
I managed to finally fall asleep when I heard someone calling out a name.
I wasn’t sure if it was mine or not.
Someone was calling and banging on the rails.
I opened my eyes and mouthed to the guy sitting next to me
“What’s going on?”
He looked at me and said
“is your name Coller?”
I looked away and at the officer still calling my name.
I got up and walked to the gate
He said
“Are you Coller?”
I replied
“Kola Osifeso”
He replied
“Yeah…that”
I said
“Yes. That’s me”
He began to open the gate as he said
“You made bail”
I was surprised as I became more aware of my surroundings.
I walked out of the cell and began to think,
“who could it be?”
Reaching the front counter, I was really nervous. My palms became sweaty and I was second guessing showing my face.
What if it was my uncle that my parents sent?
I shuttle stepped and turned the corner, the officer pointed to the counter and asked me to sign a form as I received my personal effects from him in a bag.
After inspecting the bag, I nodded at him to confirm that all my items were present.
He looked down at the dashboard in front of him and pressed a button, the door behind me buzzed and I pushed it open and entered into the waiting room. Standing in the center of the waiting room, there she was; Taiwo.
…..
The street lights were out on my right side.
I stared out of the window; no words said since she picked me up.
How did she know I was there?
I couldn’t bring myself to hold a conversation. Being that I was innocent regarding the pictures and all, I think I actually felt anger towards her.
Somewhere deep inside me, I felt like her recklessness led us up to that point.
She parked next to the curb and shut off the engine.
Her hand reached into the cup holder and picked up her charging phone. She fiddled with it for a few minutes as I watched her out of the corner of my eyes.
She placed her phone down and looked towards me and said
“Kola, are you going to say something?”
I refused to reply.
She waited a few seconds and said
“Kola, I am sorry.
I didn’t mean for all this to get crazy… I just wanted to let you know that I still had feelings for you.”
I looked at her and those eyes sucked me in.
Shit! I wasn’t supposed to look in her eyes.
So here is a quick flashback
Taiwo and I “dated” for a bit and this was way before Annie.
When I say dated, I mean we actually went on a couple of dates together with the hope of knowing each other.
To be honest, I can’t remember who started playing what games but I know we were both being unserious, so falling off was easy and soon enough, Annie came along.
Annie and I were about 7 months into dating when I was reintroduced to Taiwo.
Annie asked me for details and I told her everything she needed to know back then.
We had never had sex.
We hadn’t even kissed yet.
So in my mind, we never happened like that. But Taiwo and I had a connection, I worked in mental health for a company that studies patients with down syndrome.
Taiwo’s older brother was one of our first patients.
So on many days when when Annie and I were “together”, I would see Taiwo and grab lunch or whatever.
We became very close but I always now referred to her as Annie’s friend.
Our connection was always evident, I had a hand in her family and she had hers in mine.
I felt a cold hand on my left hand, jolting me back into the present.
I moved my hand away and said
“You caused all this”
She replied
“I know and I’m sorry”
A part of me was still frustrated.
I shifted my body and stared out of the window as I said
“How did you even know where I was?”
She leaned back and said
“When I didn’t hear from you, I got worried. So I called Annie.
She screened my calls or even blocked me… I figured something must have happened.
And after calling the hospitals in the area, I called the police department through my friend Cory, the Assistant District Attorney and she was able to help me locate you and I had to come and get you”
Impressed by the effort she had shown to find me and come, I still put up a front and said
“You wouldn’t have had to pick me up from the station if things had just stayed the way they were”
She chimed back
“But Kola, I am tired of the way they are… I am tired of dancing around you and pretending like I don’t love you or want you.
I am tired.
So forgive me for going after what I want but you always say it, regret is so much worse than failure”
I did say that.
That was my line.
I looked over at her and tried to fight a smile. She smiled and mouthed
“I’m sorry”
And that was it. The last bit of my flailing guard fell.
“I can’t even think straight”
I said.
She replied
“Would a drink help?”
as she pointed straight down the street at a flashing “Open” sign for a local bar.
I smiled and said
“I wouldn’t hurt”
We must have been in there for about two hours. But as we walked home, she held my hands. It was easily the most calming moment of a stressful couple of days.
We talked about what could have been if we had been serious when we first met.
When we reached her car, I motioned as if to get in.
I thought she would be taking me home. It was as I turned around, I saw her holding open the door that led to her apartment.
She said
“Lets go”
with some authority. I replied
“It’s kinda late tho”
Flashing my illuminated Fitbit near her face. 1:59am.
She smiled and said
“Exactly. It’s late and you know I don’t like to drive at night.
Aint nobody tryna get shot”
I walked in behind her and up the stairs.
Apartment 8A.
As we entered, I could smell recently cooked food.
Taiwo walked towards the kitchen area and on the dining table, there was a full outlay of food.
Efo riro (A vegetable dish with assorted meats), white rice, red beans and meat pie.
Taiwo went in.
She put some of the rice in the microwave and headed into her bedroom.
I walked around the dining table one more time. She emerged and handed me a towel and a white medium sized shirt.
I remember teasing her that she was making me wear the clothes of one of her lovers.
The shower was amazing.
I felt like I was washing away the filth and drama from the past two days.
It was then I realized that I hadn’t thought about Annie all night.
My insides were somehow filled with disgust again.
I washed myself down and headed out into the living room.
The sweet smelling scent of fried plantains filled the air, bringing joy only rivaled by a direct deposit alert.
The smell couldn’t mask my thirst for her.
She turned around as she removed the last batch of plantains from the hot oil.
As she moved the pan to an empty burner, I slid my right hand around her.
My hand firmly on her lower back, I pulled her in close.
My first kiss was the one that set open the doors.
Her full lips sang in unison with mine.
Weaving a story of love and lust as she placed both her hands around my neck.
Our tongues laced with a passion and a wanting of years passed, I kissed her hard.
I broke the kiss and took her left hand in mine and led her till we stood in front of the couch.
Her leather Kim Kardashian jacket hugged the arm rest.
Her eyes were glued to mine. The hairs behind my neck were standing and I leaned in and kissed her again.
She bit my bottom lip as I went in for more of hers.
She was wearing a vanilla top that sat just beneath her buttocks.
As I kissed her, my mind began to race.
How far did I want this to go?
Did I really want to do this? Now?
Maybe my mind communicated with hers via our spit but she suddenly moved my hand from her lower back to sit firmly on her left buttock.
Answered.
Each piece of clothing came off, and we were soon bare as we came into this world but filled with lust that ravages people.
I slowly sat her down on the couch and kissed her succulent thighs.
Her tattoos carefully placed around her body like art on gallery wall of a painter.
My tongue long for her sweet; my eyes searched her soul.
I tried to find where I fit, as I licked her thighs and stared upwards at her.
Using my hands, I parted her legs. It was brief but telling sound as I heard her wet.
The kisses around the edges were sloppy like saving a wilting ice cream cone at the state fair.
This was all I had wanted.
As I passionately locked lips with her pink, I felt her muscles tense and then relax.
I looked up again at her perfectly sculpted breasts and her silver piercing that found home in her left breast.
Her back firmed up as she began to curse under her breath.
Her right hand found its way to the back of my neck as she battled with pushing my head away or keeping my tongue closer.
Gladly, my tongue moved hard on her pink.
I slurped and gulped as I struggled to keep up with the juice that was flowing on to my beard.
I continued to work my position.
Wagging from left to right and nibbling to soothing effects, Taiwo went silent.
I could tell what was coming.
She lifted her back off the leather couch, squeezed my arm and squealed.
A fresh squeeze of her filling, lined the cavities of my mouth.
I stood and smiled.
Like a warrior that conquered it’s prey.
I began to reach for my pants to pull out the condom housed in my wallet while she writhed across the couch.
I checked the first pocket I normally kept my condom and found nothing.
I panicked.
This was not the time to have lost or forgotten this.
I checked the second sleeve inside the wallet, nothing.
I knew I was fucked. I was just about to make up an excuse to not continue our activities when Taiwo tapped me.
I turned around and immediately dropped to her knees and took me in.
The entire time, her gaze was fixed on me.
She sucked on the head and juggled my balls in her right hand.
It was art.
The way she caressed and then stroked. The way she tugged and slapped it across her cheek like an expert, I feared that I might just explode without warning.
I gently pushed her head away, knowing fully well that another couple of minutes of that and I would be spreading my seed like a farmer before the first rain.
I slipped the condom on my wet shaft and sat down on the the couch.
She smiled as she saddled me.
This was where we stayed.
Her eyes on me, mine on her breasts.
She controlled the motions. Slowly.
There wasn’t a rush to it.
As she dripped on to me with each stroke, I could feel myself finding new depths wishing her.
She stayed close and kissed me. Her breasts bounced as motioned up and down.
I could feel myself tense up as I bit lightly into her nipple.
She moved faster with shorter strokes.
I felt it boiling up but she stayed the course.
Her cheeks slapping into my drenched sack as she moved on me.
I was trying to fight her but the softness of her skin, those big bold eyes, her lips, her wet, I couldn’t help it any longer.
I squeezed her cheeks in my hands and felt a tickle right inside my shaft.
A few muffled grunts and spurts , it was all out.
She stayed on me for a few seconds and leaned back.
Sweat dripped from underneath her weave and down her forehead. I smiled at her and leaned she in to kiss me.
As she broke the kiss, we smiled together like shy kids that had just touched our privates for the first time.
And then she said
“Will you eat now?”
I joked and replied
“Again?”
She slapped me across my chest, got up and headed into the bathroom. I watched her blessed frame wander off into the fluorescence of the bathroom.
The condom came off, my clothes came on and we ate.
As we sat there watching a movie that somewhat reminded me of the Legend of Tarzan, she placed her head on my lap and looked up at me.
I looked away fro the tv and at her as I said
“What?”
She smiled and replied
“I know you don’t necessarily want to talk bout it.
I know you have a bunch of girls that want you but I just want you to know that I genuinely want you.
not all that nonsense we were doing years ago. I genuinely want you.
So take your time to figure it all out but know that all I want is you.”
It felt like long needed validation.
Like the words I wanted a jilted lover to express before they found peace.
I smiled at her.
“T, you know I have a lot going on but I hear you”
She smiled back and that was all we said.
We curled up next to each other that night and slept.
…..
The next morning, we swung by the Tmobile store and I picked up a new phone.
Taiwo then took me towards the house. I asked her to drop me off by the corner so I could buy some plantains from the Chinese store, to go with the rest of the stew she gave me.
I was so glad that I did.
As I walked home, with my bags in hand and sun in my face, I thought I would feel better.
I felt good but like something was missing.
Someone was leaving the complex as I arrived, so they left the door open. I let myself in, picked up my mail and head into the elevator.
As the doors opened and I turned the corner, I looked up and with great surprise, there was someone standing in front of my apartment.
She was leaning on the wall with her back turned to me.
As I approached slowly, I noticed her luggage and I began to wonder.
A few more steps and she heard me.
Turning around, my face flushed with surprise and maybe even shock.
She smiled and said
“Hi Kola”
I stood there shocked.
“Cynthia, what are you doing here?”
She leaned in for a hug and said
“I told you I would be coming through”
I broke the hug and said
“But you never said anything about coming here or staying with me”
She rolled her eyes and stepped back
“Kola, are you going to let me in?”
I scoffed and reluctantly opened the door.
She smiled and moved her bags inside the apartment.
I stood by the door and asked again
“So Cynthia, why are you here?”
She looked a bit more serious as she approached me and said
“Kola, will you ease up.
You stopped calling me months ago. And because you called off the engagement, we can’t be friends?
You know I love you… so lets leave all that in the past.
I’m not here to take you from all your little girlfriends of which I could if I wanted because they have nothing on all this…. I’m here for a job.
I start in two weeks and until then, I have nowhere else to stay.
So whats for lunch?”
She walked past me and into the kitchen.
She bent down and her head disappeared behind the refrigerator door. As she stood up, she looked surprised and worried.
Slowly, she closed the door and said
“Kola, are you okay?”
I stood there and wondered what she was talking about as she was now walking towards me.
She said
“Kola, you’re bleeding”
I looked down at the puddle of blood forming between my feet.
I moved my right hand to my nose and felt blood dripping down.
The next thing I felt was Cynthia cushioning my fall.
And shouting my name
“Kola… Kolaaaaaa”
For the second time in two days, I felt the cold piercing my skin.
This time around, there was no rising.
Slowly my name went faint and my body went numb.
What The Heck Man.
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I was disgusted and excited at the same time. The excitement I felt within my bones, caused me to be more disgusted with myself.
“How could this have happened?”
My sister and my father?
The man that raised us?!
You always hear that the world is a crazy place but you never truly understand how crazy till it passes right through your own home.
The next few months were weird to say the least.
I want to say there were separated because he wasn’t sleeping at home all the time.
And my sister kept the baby.
I was actually amazed to find out that my father publicly announced that he was the father.
My sister and her husband were finalizing their divorce.
He left and didn’t give her anything.
It wasn’t like she wanted it anyway.
But it shook the family to the core.
….
I sat down on the bed as the wear of the long day began to get to me.
I was tired.
My mind was racing at insane speeds.
I needed answers but I wasn’t even sure what answers I wanted first or even the questions I was meant to ask.
I just lay there, texting and reading emails. I remember thinking about what I wanted to eat for dinner and then thinking about making something for Cole.
I had been staying with him most days during the recent weeks as we had become much closer and officially dating.
I decided to make some lentil soup with a side of sweet potatoes.
One yawn and then I decided to take a quick nap. I think you can imagine how that went.
…..
I felt his arm around me as he tapped me to wake up.
“Babe, you’re not ready?”
I looked startled as he said
“We have dinner plans?…”
It made more sense and I realized I had forgotten about dinner plans. I immediately got up and started getting ready.
That evening as we finished dinner, we walked up the hill towards the car.
As we arrived at the traffic stop, I thought we were about to take a right turn. He placed his hand around my lower back and pointed to his left.
The man on the screen lit up as the system blurted out “Cross”
A few more blocks and we ended up in front of a Gentlemen’s club called Penthouse.
I turned to him and smile, he tipped the man at the door and we walked in.
In the lobby, the attendant greeted us and asked if he was there to make it rain on me.
He sheepishly smiled and said he was there to watch me have a great time.
He collected a stack of ones and we headed into the main area.
I just watched how his eyes followed me.
As we sat down and stripper after stripper came through, his eyes were still fixed on me.
Sometimes I would catch him staring and he still wouldn’t shirk the fact that he was staring.
Towards the end of our time there, one of the ladies came up to me and asked if I wanted a dance.
I glanced over to him and he paid.
Off she went. Boobs, ass, kisses and endless compliments. She fell in love with me.
He just fixed on me.
I could see his brain working creatively on how he was going to take me.
As we headed home, I could feel him driving faster than normal.
He couldn’t wait to get home.
As he drove, he placed his right hand on my thigh. I could feel the flood gates opening.
But my jumpsuit prevented him from going any further.
As arrived in the house, I went into the bathroom to take my make up off.
When I returned to the room, he had it lit up with candles.
Smooth jazz instrumentals played in the back ground.
He walked up to me and told me to close my eyes.
I reluctantly obliged.
He undressed me and led me to the bed.
Laying me on my back, I was trying to figure out what he was doing.
Then I felt the cold of metal on my wrist and a click.
“What are you doing?”
I asked.
“Shut up”
He replied.
Suddenly the same thing happened on the other hand.
It was clear that I was now handcuffed to the bed frame.
Hands dangling as my naked skin became home to his touch.
He asked me to open my eyes and there he was with that smile.
That almost evil look.
He knew what it did to me.
He leaned in and kissed me. His moist lips all over mine.
I felt a twitch in my spine.
As he kissed me, all I could think was I wanted him inside me like right now
I remembered how wet he got me and how I was dripping now.
He went down and kissed my pink.
His tongue played with my clit and teased the opening of my pussy.
My juices flowed and stained his mouth and beard.
He vibrated his tongue all over my clit and I tried to push him off but I obviously couldn’t.
He pinned my legs towards my chest from behind my knees. He was so strong.
He kept going and as I said “I’m going to cum”,
He stopped, uncuffed one hand. Turned me and grabbed my hair and thrust his dick into me fucking me hard as he could.
The way he pulled on my head turned me on but not as much as the way he choked me while he rammed his dick into me and his balls slapped my clit.
With each thrust, I could feel my wet drip onto his balls,
Every inch occupied by his able member.
I moaned louderas he spanked my ass and talked dirty to me.
“Who’s pussy is it?”
I moaned and said
“Your’s baby. Yours!”
He grabbed my waist tighter and rammed his black package into me.
I went silent as I clutched the sheets.
It was like he was about to break me.
He leaned in, his grunts were sexy as he released his seed.
He slumped next to me.
I fell into the bed face down.
Seconds later, I turned to my right to look at him.
He was trying to catch his breath. I smiled and thought to myself
“He put in work.”
I looked up to the sky and smiled again.
A refreshing smile, if only my legs would stop shaking. 😊
…
A few minutes later, I turned over, worry across my face and placed my head on his chest as I asked
“Babe, do you think my family is dysfunctional?”
I looked up towards his face awaiting his answer. He leaned his head downwards and said
“No I don’t babe.
Every family has their own stuff. I wouldn’t call you dysfunctional.
I just think there is a lot going on for your family”
I smiled and then I said to him
“I’m glad you’re coming with me tomorrow”
He rubbed my head and kissed my forehead and said
“Me too baby”
…….
We set out at 4am.
A four and half hour drive to start the day as we made our way across the state.
I was nervous and praying as Cole drove us down.
I tried to distract myself with music and abstract thoughts. Nothing worked.
It felt like my first day of school, I just kept thinking of all the things that could go wrong.
We arrived and I sat in the car refusing to step out.
I just put my head down and started crying.
I realized that it was uncomfortable for Cole who reached out and came to my side of the car.
He squatted by the door and placed my hands in his.
He looked me in the eyes and said
“Babe, I know this is hard and scary but you have wanted this for years.
We have finally gotten close. You can’t give up now.
I am here with you and we can do this together. I will be here with you the entire way.
Okay baby?”
I sniffled as I wiped away my tears and said
“But… but… what if she doesn’t want me or even remember me?
What if she’s against a relationship with me?”
He rubbed my hand and said
“Babe, that won’t happen.
We’re just going to go in there and hope for the best. Thats all we can do and I will be right by your side”
His words comforted me. I wiped my tears and stepped out of the vehicle.
Into the open space, we walked in.
It almost felt like a walk through the yard in an episode of prison break.
We arrived at the check in window and the lady asked me for my name and purpose for visiting
“Hi, my name is Zuliha and I’m here to see my mother; Adele Roberts”
She looked at her computer as she said
“Drivers license, please?”
I reached into my wallet and removed my card which I handed to her.
She typed something in the computer for a bit and then, handing my drivers license back to me, she said
“I’m sorry but we do not have a patient by that name here”
I was surprised.
I said
“Excuse me?
I spoke to the manager last week before coming out here. What do you mean she’s not here?”
The lady perked up and said
“Ma’am, we have no patient by that name here.
I’m sorry but I can’t help you”
I began to get irritated.
“What do you mean?
Are you trying to tell me that I drove 4+ hours for someone thats not here?
After I called the manager and got all the details?
Can you at least check the system? There must be a mistake”
She looked at me and with a straight face and said
“We cannot disclose details of our patients to non family members”
I wanted to jump across the desk and punch her in the face.
I was stunned.
And then Cole said
“Can we get the supervisor or a manager?”
She smirked and said
“He is in a meeting right now but you are more than welcome to sit and wait for him”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.
Like what the heck man.
How did I drive this far and after all this searching to not find my mother.
Why couldn’t the universe just afford me one victory?
Cole and I walked to the seats and sat down
“Babe, whats going on?”
He looked at me as he tried to contain his surprise
“I’m not sure but we’ll figure it out.
Okay?”
I couldn’t contain myself.
How could I have gotten so close, only to be stopped at the last minute and what do they mean by she’s not here?
I was starting to twitch. And uncomfortable tick with my foot as I waited.
It must have been about 10 minutes and then the managers door flung open.
Out came the manager and my father.
I just sat there in shock.
Cole looked at me expecting a response but I was in shock.
He looked at me and said
“Hello Zuliha”
I couldn’t even muster a response.
He shook the hand of the manager and headed out of the door.
I looked over to Cole and he said
“What The Heck Man”
The manager gave us the same lie the receptionist lady gave.
I was so overwhelmed and I started crying.
I had gotten my hopes up so much and to have that taken away was so heartbreaking.
Sobbing, my face covered in tears and snot, I entered the car and as we were about to drive off, there was a tap on the car window.
I wiped my tears as Cole let the window.
The receptionist lady said
“Hi,
I’m so sorry about earlier. I was just trying to keep my job but I wasn’t lying when I said your mother was not here.
She was up until last night.
The overnight staff told me that she was drugged and moved to another facility.
My guess is that it has something to do with you coming today.
Here is the name of the facility they took her to.
If you are her daughter, you may need the help of the police but you may be able to see her that way.
Again, I’m sorry and good luck”
She finished and scurried away.
The shock on Cole’s face was everything that the situation was.
“Something weird is going on and I’m going to figure it out”
I said as I stepped out of the car and standing outside the car, my dad drove up and said
“Zuliha, let it go.
You have lived all your life without her. Why do you need to talk to her now?”
I walked up to his car and said
“I know you’re doing this because I exposed your secret but don’t worry, I will get to the bottom of this one too and the world will see you for the dirty and incompetent father you are.
You can count on that.”
I walked back into my car and said to Cole
“Drive”
I was going for revenge and the gloves were off now.
Anything and anyone could be collateral damage but I was going to get my answers, regardless of who I had to take down in the process.
End of Part 3
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I continued walking around the house like I was carrying a secret.
Okay, a secret bigger than the one I was already carrying.
Well, my secret was already out.
But I didn’t feel liberated.
Now I felt like a pawn in an elaborate game, that could be sacrificed at anytime.
When I woke up the next morning, I laid in bed.
I just sat there and tried to understand what had happened before.
I replayed every word my sister had said and tried to fathom if it was true or not.
My heart raced as I replayed the words
“I want you to keep fucking my husband”
in my head.
How could she say that?
And how did she even know to begin with?
I needed answers.
As I walked out of my bed, I hoped my sister had already left the house.
When I entered the living area, it was empty.
A sigh of relief.
Entering the kitchen, I heard a gentle hum from the corner of the kitchen.
It was my sister making breakfast.
I walked in and opened the fridge without saying a word.
She stopped humming, turned and said
“Good morning Zuliha.
How did you sleep?”
With the door of the refrigerator still opened, I replied
“Good morning Irene”
She walked over to me, closed the door of the fridge and from less that a foot away from me, she looked me dead in the eyes and said
“Snap out of it.
I’m not asking you to kill anyone.
Just let things be as they were and we’ll all be fine
Okay?”
she was still standing that close to me when the kitchen door opened and her husband walked in
“Morning ladies”
he said with a smile as he headed for the coffee pot.
“What’s cooking?”
He threw in as he filled up his mug with a fresh brew of coffee.
Before anyone could answer, he walked up to Irene and held her from behind and whispered
“Last night was fun”
She smiled and he smiled.
“Eww guys”
I disgustingly chimed in as they held each other.
As I walked out of the kitchen, I couldn’t help but think, what was my sister playing at?
A divorce?
Power?
I was so confused and the tension was killing me.
I was going to find answers, one way or another.
…..
“So if I’m hearing you correctly, your sister found out that you have been sleeping with her husband and asked you to continue?”
I looked at her like I hadn’t just explained that and said
“Yes.
Exactly that”
She pulled off her glasses and leaned in
“So what does that bring up for you?”
she asked.
I paused for a second and then said
“I’m not entirely sure. I mean, I’m confused and somewhat nervous but I don’t really know.
Like…”
I sighed and leaned back in my reclining seat and then continued
“You know part of why I started coming to see you was to find myself. Since I found out that I was given up for adoption, I’ve been trying to find a place to anchor my life.
My sister and I have never been close.
Frankly, i think we have tolerated each other at best for years.
I think thats what made it easier to sleep with her husband really. We just don’t have a deep connection or maybe I’m just too messed up”
She scribbled in her notepad a bit and then asked
“So you believe that the absence of a connection with her, prevents you from caring about something like sleeping with her husband?”
“Yes and no”
I replied and then continued
“Do you know she was the one that told me I was adopted?
In the middle of an argument during my 18th birthday party… I can’t even remember what we were arguing about but I just recall that she yelled it out and all my friends heard it.
Now… moments like those are what contributed towards me hating her so much.
…I don’t even think I hate her, I just don’t feel anything towards her”
She didn’t write anything down this time around and she said
“So what do you want to do with it?
This entire situation….”
I sat up a bit and said
“I honestly don’t know. It’s just making me more vigilant.
I find that I am looking over my shoulder more because I don’t know what she’s up to.
I plan to find out soon enough though and then I can make my move”
she replied
“Okay.
Remember I am here if you need me”
I nodded and then I asked
“So what about the other stuff?
Any progress?”
She placed her notepad to the side of her seat and pulled out a folder from her purse.
Flipping through pages, she arrived at a list. She handed the list to me and said
“Those are the people we found nationwide with that name.
Because we don’t know her exact age or any other identifying information, the process might take longer as we narrow it down.
She’s in there somewhere, we just have to find her”
I smiled faintly and answered
“Thank you. I hope we do.
I’ve been searching for her all my life. Even when I didn’t know it”
I left her office still in an uncomfortable place but feeling a bit better.
As I got into my car, the radio turned on.
I don’t think there was a particular thing in my mind as I made my way home but I was suddenly washed with emotion.
I pulled over to the side of the road. Till the moment of writing this, I can’t pin point exactly why I was crying.
Maybe it was the fact that I was so close to figuring out who my mother was.
So many questions I wanted to ask, like
“why did you leave me?
Why couldn’t you love me enough to keep me?
Why didn’t you stop me from being tossed from home to home”
The tears just continued to flow without explanation.
I could feel my cries coming from depth within me. If there was ever a physical representation of my pain, it was in that space.
As I cried, it started to rain.
Minutes later, I heard a tap on the glass.
I couldn’t make out the face, so I clicked the auto lock button on the door and lowered the window a bit.
The man standing outside said
“Ma’am, are you alright?”
I realized I had been crying. I sniffled a bit and wiped my tears as I responded
“Yes. I just needed a moment”
It was a police officer.
He didn’t ask anymore questions, he just told me to take my time and be safe.
I waited a few minutes after he had driven off to leave.
Slow, driving home, I tried to gather myself for pulling into the driveway.
I sat in my car for about 15 minutes before I finally entered the house.
I headed into my room.
As I started taking my clothes off, I heard a gentle knock on the door.
It was Drey my sister’s husband.
I was only wearing my bra and my skirt.
He came up behind me and put his arms around me.
He leaned in to kiss me on my neck. I pushed him away and said
“I’m not in the mood”
He looked puzzled and outstretched his hands as he said
“What do you mean you’re not in the mood?
….Did I do something?”
I rolled my eyes and replied
“No but I’m just not in the mood”
He started to tease me and make jokes in an attempt to use humor to get what he wanted.
I wouldn’t budge.
He came very close and started tickling me.
I snapped and said
“I said I’m not in the mood!”
That one really got to him.
He stepped back and without saying a word, he walked out of the room.
I immediately feel horrible for going off on him but he wasn’t listening to me, so I let it pass.
…..
That entire evening, I never left my room.
I just watched shows and cycled through social media platforms all evening.
As I approached sleep, I suddenly heard loud arguing noises.
“Fuck you Drey!
….YOU have been wanting this baby but we agreed to wait 5years…
So what is the fucking rush now”
my sister yelled at her husband at the top of her voice.
I got off my bed and put clothes on and I started making my way out of the room.
I could hear them arguing and pacing.
He yelled back in a lower tone than hers
“Well, I want kids now! is that so bad???”
I opened my room door and entered the hallway when I heard her reply
“I am not keeping this baby and there is nothing you can make me do!
It’s my fucking body!”
He yelled back
“Can you even hear yourself???
You are my wife!
How can you be even talking about an abortion while we are married with no children??!
Are you mad??”
He looked so angry as I entered the living room and said
“What’s going on guys?
What happened?”
He turned and said
“Zuliha, stay out of it!”
I knew a bit of it was because I had turned him down earlier.
He was obviously still upset.
“I dont want to be part of it but when you are both yelling at each other, I just want to make sure everyone is safe”
He looked at me and said
“So we can’t have an argument as a couple in our own home???!”
I could tell he was at his limit.
My sister immediately jumped in and snarled back
“So now, my sister is making you uncomfortable in our home?
..because I won’t keep a baby. I don’t think we are ready for???”
I was shocked at how fast she jumped in to defend me but I turned to him and he said
“Just leave it alone!”
Irene looked at him and threw her hands up as she said
“You know what, I can’t do this.
I need space.”
She stormed out of the house, I presumed into the yard since she didn’t grab her keys.
Drey and I stood in silence for a second and then I walked up close to him and said
“So you think it is okay to yell at me because I refused to give you pussy?
So mature”
He hissed and snatched his car keys off the dining table and stormed out of the house.
A few moments later, I heard his car peel out of the driveway and into the night.
I sighed and headed outside.
Right on the doorstep, my sister Irene was sitting; crying.
For as much as I didn’t always feel for her, I felt bad for her.
I sat next to her and placed my hand on her back and gently rubbed it.
“Sis, whats going on?
You should be happy about this baby. Why are you so bent on not keeping it?”
She started sobbing even more and managed to mutter, you won’t understand.
I was surprised she thought I wouldn’t get it but I continued.
“Okay, tell me, maybe I can help and talk to him”
She hid her face in her palms and said
“No!
I don’t want you to talk to him”
“Okay but what is going on though, why are you crying so much?”
I inquired.
She turned her head towards me and said amidst a flood of tears
“The baby is not his”
I must admit, that caught me off guard.
It took me a minute to re-gather myself and then I asked the dreaded question.
“Okay, who’s is it?”
She sobbed even more.
For minutes, she just cried and said nothing. It seemed like it was so hard for her to bring herself to speak.
I patted her back and said
“It’s okay sis.
You can trust me”
I gave her a moment and then asked again
“Who’s baby is it?’
She looked at me and with a call for help she replied
“Daddy’s”
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There was a new ambience as I moved around the house tidying things up.
Change was coming.
Finishing up little projects here and there, and baby proofing the house, I was dealing with mixed emotions.
Wura was mere days away from putting to bed and I was nervously awaiting what would be the next chapter of my life.
Her cousin Suki, had moved in with us to help around the house with me gone at work.
Home wasn’t the safest place at the time.
So many nights after work, I would go straight to Sayid’s and hang out.
Beers, sports and hours of FIFA.
I knew Wura was about to deliver but it all made me even more nervous.
I had told her that Bimbo was also pregnant. Honestly, I think the only reason she wasn’t too angry about it, was the fact that she was also pregnant.
But I know it hurt her.
To think that there would be a competing child in my life as we raised ours was probably hard to take.
She never really made it known though.
The slow grind towards repairing our young but challenged marriage was evident.
We were working hard to reconnect and in many ways, naive or otherwise, we both secretly felt like the baby would bring us back as one.
I ran out of screws for the baby gate that was supposed to close off the kitchen.
Without informing anyone, I grabbed my keys and headed out the door.
I sat in the car and began to back out of the driveway. As I turned to look forward, I noticed Suki in front of the car motioning to me.
I stopped the car and opened the door.
That was when I heard her saying
“I think cousin Wura is in labor!”
I left the car door open as I ran back into the house.
Game day.
Our lives were about to change.
….
“You better fucking stand there!”
She yelled as she gripped my hand and her eyes bulged from it’s sockets.
My heart was racing and I could feel sweat dripping down my forehead.
Wura was so strong.
She kept pushing as the doctor asked her to. There was a new level of respect I had for her and all women that day as my wife challenged the forces of nature to bring my child to the world.
Seconds felt like minutes, minutes felt like hours and each hour felt like eternity.
I had read in one of the baby books that active labor lasts between 3-5 hours but we had been in there for almost 7 and nothing.
Nothing but Wura fighting hard to push through.
I stood by her side, holding her hands tightly. I just wanted her and the baby to be okay.
With each passing minute, I got more worried.
Something was wrong.
Was this punishment from God for the things I had done?
Was this the representation of the sins of the father being visited on the son?
I was scared.
And I couldn’t begin to imagine what Wura was going through.
As I was saying comforting words to her, the doctor called me aside and said they were going to do a scan to see whats going on.
I agreed and they stopped the active effort to force the baby out.
A drip was lined into her arm and a few seconds later, she was fast asleep.
That was the most sleep she would get for the coming months.
About an hour had passed as they wheeled Wura back into her room.
The doctor called me to the side and said
“Sir, we have two complications. The baby is not breathing anymore.
We have no heartbeat.
And her walls are too badly damaged to hold the baby… I mean force it out.
So we need to operate and get that baby out.”
I was stunned but he could understand the confusion across my face.
I gathered myself and said
“Will she still be able to have kids?”
He nodded and replied
“I believe so.
but for now, we need this baby out.
I’m sorry”
I nodded as he walked back into the room, a few nurses went in.
Minutes later they rolled her into the OR.
I couldn’t even watch.
My entire body was washed with guilt and regret.
This all felt like my fault.
There was so much self hate within me.
Sitting in the waiting room, I couldn’t contain myself.
I wanted to cry. I wanted to leave.
I wanted to be woken up from this scary and exhausting dream.
But such is life and the clock ticked on as the hours rolled.
And then I heard the doctor come up and call my name.
He said
“We were able to remove the baby. You can see her if you want.
And your wife is doing fine. She’s in recovery.
You can be with her.
She’s asleep right now”
I shook the doctors hand and thanked him as I walked towards Wura’s room.
There were tears in my eyes and my heart was bleeding.
I stopped in front of the room and took a deep breath.
Slowly opening the door, I noticed that Wura was still asleep.
Quietly, tiptoed and sat in the chair at the foot of the bed.
I stared at her peaceful face as she slept.
She looked like a badly beaten winner.
If only she knew what sadness awaited her as she would wake.
My heart just wanted to say “I’m sorry” for everything.
Even this.
My mind flashed back to the night of our wedding when we conceived this baby that was then taken from us.
I thought of the night before the wedding.
Playing back every step, so much regret filled me.
Then I became so angry at myself. I couldn’t take it.
As I sat there condemning myself, my phone began to vibrate loudly.
I scrabbled and muted it.
It was Sayid.
I got up, glanced at Wura and headed out of the room quietly.
I stepped into the hallway and said
“Hello”
Sayid responded
“Hows it going bro?
Has she delivered?”
I looked up at the white fluorescent ceiling lights, fighting back tears and sighed as I said
“We lost the baby”
Silence.
I could tell that he was shocked and he finally mustered
“…I’m sorry bro”
“It’s okay bro. So whats up?”
I replied.
He hesitated and said
“Bimbo just delivered. Twin boys”
I covered my mouth with my hand as I began to cry.
Oh Lord why?!
I couldn’t believe it.
I thanked Sayid as I hung up,
Planting my face into the wall, I wanted to scream!
This was just unfair.
I slowly peeled off the wall and headed back into the room.
I tried to sneak in, tip toeing as I made my way in. As I closed the door behind me, I turned around and there she was awake.
She looked at me with concern and said
“Where is my baby?”
I froze.
Those few seconds felt like an eternity. She shifted on her back, squinting in pain as she repeated
“Where is my baby?”
I never got a chance to respond.
She knew.
Tears began streaming down her face as she turned her back towards me and faced the wall.
I just stood there as she sobbed for a few seconds. Then I walked towards her.
As I was about to touch her, without turning, she screamed
“Get out!!!!”
I shivered.
She had never been that way with me. I felt it in my spine.
Turning around, I couldn’t get out of the room fast enough.
I just kept walking till I got to my car.
As I sat down, I grabbed the steering wheel and I just screamed!
I must have screamed for five minutes straight at the top of my lungs.
Tears streaming down my face, my head throbbing, heaving and sighing, I turned to my left and noticed a lady with her mouth ajar just staring at me.
That was my life in a snapshot.
It was the crazy movie everyone was watching.
……
Soooooooooooooooo…. STOP! Lol. Just for a sec!
So.. The Wordsmith’s birthday is coming up o! I heard this is now the move.
This was not one of those situations where saying a bit was enough.
I needed something big.
As I weaved through traffic, I was consumed by trying to figure out this thing and not so much guilt.
The guilt for what happened would eventually come.
But for now, I need these danfos (buses) to get out of my way and I need the Lord to come my way and save me.
As I turned the corner about 16 minutes from the venue, I finally figured out the first step.
Call Sayid.
I reached for my phone sitting in the cup holder and dialled his number.
He picked up on the first ring.
“Bro, please tell me you are outside”
He asked as I heard him make his way out of the room.
I cursed as I switched lanes and replied,
“Bro, I’m almost there.
I can’t explainnnnnnnnnnn”
Sayid was always the calm influence, he stopped walking, presumably now outside and in a “safe” space.
He said,
“Everyone thinks you got cold feet and bailed.”
I cursed again.
“Oh shit”
“Wura has been crying all morning and some people have been panicking.
How far away are you now?
He continued.
I glanced at the dashboard clock and said,
“12 minutes max”
He replied,
“Okay.
Get here as fast as you can. Your clothes are here.
I’ll inform Wura and the rest of the gang.
Hurry up bro”
The phone clicked and I dropped it on the passenger seat.
I heaved a huge sigh.
Part 1 cleared.
Part 2?
A respectable lie.
Oh don’t judge me! You’ve told a lie or two before.
You haven’t?
Well isn’t that a lie.
…..
My palms were sweaty as I put the car in park.
I hopped out and Sayid was right there waiting for me.
Some late guests were still arriving and making their way into the church.
I was scared.
Worse than the time I got arrested back in Canada. This one terrified me.
What was supposed to be the biggest day of my life, was now a huge mess and it was all my fault.
I ran into the room earmarked for the groom and his groomsmen.
Flipping my clothes, it was a complete makeover.
I went from looking like a cheating average man to the guy your company would bring in to complete a merger.
I was wrapping up the knot on the tie when I heard a knock on the door.
Without turning around and losing anymore time by walking to the door, I said,
“Come in”
The door opened slowly and Wura walked in.
“Diji, where the hell were you?!
I was worried sick!
Did you get cold feet?”
I walked over to her and placed my hands on her shoulders and said,
“Babe, I was robbed last night at gunpoint.
They took the car and threw me in the back. They took my phone and used my car to rob others.
They eventually drove me all the way to Mowe (a city 30 minutes outside of Lagos)
They kept me there with them all night. I begged them and told them I was getting married today.
It was only God in his mercy that allowed them to let me go.
I rushed here as fast as I could.”
She looked so concerned as she said,
“Oh my God!
Baby are you okay?”
I replied,
“Im fine love.
I just need to hurry up and wife your beautiful self up!”
She smiled and I said,
“I love you baby.”
“I love you too”
She said.
“Now go back out there so I can come and make this official”
She beamed as she hurried away in her elegance.
I was a lucky fool.
I looked at myself in the mirror and whispered to myself,
“God please help me”
What was I to do?
Oh how I wish I knew.
…..
Being married wasn’t as difficult as people have always made it out to be.
Between Wura and I, we began to come up with our own systems of doing things.
Communication was key and I honestly feel like being responsible for another allows us both of us, to do a bit more.
One of the things I loved about Wura as my wife was her effortless ability to drift within her roles.
From Marketing Guru to Home Manager; she was always on top of things.
Trying to make sure I was always happy and I truly appreciated her for it.
But there was something lingering in my chest.
Remember that guilt that I spoke about?
Yeah, it was consuming me. Preventing me from being happy with Wura.
I always wondered, “what if!”
What if she found out?
What if I got tempted again with Bimbo?
To be fair, it had been a month since I spoke to or contacted Bimbo.
We never even processed that night and what might have truly happened.
It was in the past and I wanted to keep it that way.
I was married now, with a new life and new approach. No need going backwards.
But I knew I had to let go of the baggage weighing on my heart.
It was 3:44am.
I lay there looking at Wura as she slept peacefully next to me.
How was she going to take what I was about to say?
Would I still keep my wife, my happiness?
My friend once told me that holding the truth from someone was down to human arrogance, to decide if someone deserved to be in the know.
I was scared and starting to doubt myself again.
I gently tapped Wura.
She didn’t move.
I almost took that as a sign to ignore it and just forget it. One more night to manage living a lie.
But something in me caused me to touch her again, and this time she slowly woke as I said her name,
“Wuraola”
“Mhmmm…”
She said as she woke up and cleaned her eyes with her left hand.
“What’s wrong babe”
She asked,
I sighed and said,
“Nothing. I need to talk you about something”
She seemed more awake now as she said,
“Okay babe. Talk to me”
I almost chickened out but it was like I heard a voice in my head that told me to go on. So I did, I said
“Wura, I want to start by saying I am sorry.
There is nothing you did to cause this. This is all my responsibility.
I want to ask for your forgiveness more than anything.”
She looked puzzled as she tried to keep calm.
“Babe, talk to me. Whatever it is, we can work through it”
If only she knew, I almost wanted to say that it was impossible to just overlook.
And working through it?
Well that would mean a tremendous amount of work and trust.
I turned to my left and looked at her as I said,
“The night before our wedding.
I lied about bring robbed and lost. I went over to Bimbo’s house to talk.
And we ended up having sex. When I woke up in the morning, I was running late.
I wanted to tell you but I was torn between telling you and ruining your special day or keeping it.
But I am tired of keeping it. I wanted to start the rest of our lives with honesty and this has been eating me up inside.
…whatever you decide to do now, I completely respect.
it was my mistake and even though I can promise it will never happen again, whatever consequences come my way, I am prepared to face.
I just want you to know I am deeply sorry and I love you”
She was crying.
She just stared at me and kept crying. It was extremely scary because I couldn’t tell what she was going to say next if anything.
I just waited.
After a few minutes, I said
“Wura, please say something.”
The crying was replaced with sniffles as the tears dried.
She looked at me and said,
“Diji, it’s okay. We will talk more about it in the morning.
I can’t think right now”
I couldn’t believe it.
It almost felt like a joke, a very expensive one. But true to Wura fashion, she turned over and closed her eyes.
A few minutes later, she was breathing calm and sleeping away.
I couldn’t sleep.
This was a Yoruba woman, a true believer in what is right, sleeping next to me.
The rest of the night till she woke up for work at 6:45am, my eyes stayed wide open.
No sleep whatever.
I couldn’t risk closing my eyes and waking up on the other side.
That morning, as we got up, Wura greeted me and we quickly went about our preparations for work.
At about 7:15am, I was ready to start heading out the door as Wura followed closely behind me.
Normally, I would get in my car in the driveway and back up to either to leave for work or to move so she could leave.
We had a one car lane driveway.
As I reached my car, I didn’t attempt to give her a hug or kiss like I normally would before leaving.
As I opened the door to my car, I turned and said,
“Have a great day love. I’ll see you when I get back”
She smiled and said,
“Have a great day Diji but I won’t be here when you get back… I need some time alone”
There was no use fighting it.
No use trying to change her mind.
Wura was not easily swayed and trying to force her to change her mind would only make her more upset.
I lowered myself into my car and I slowly backed out of the driveway. I waved at her.
She lifted her hand and waved back.
That was the last I would see of her.
……
Three months went by.
Wura had been living with a friend of hers on the Island.
She had sent her friend to pick up some things when I wasn’t home.
Basically, we were separated.
I didn’t tell anyone about us being separated except Sayid.
He was the only one that truly knew what I was going through.
I had tried repeatedly to reach out to Wura but she blocked all my efforts.
I knew she was clearly sending a message.
She wanted to be left alone.
That evening, I met up with Sayid for drinks at a place near his house in Ikoyi.
Mid way through the conversation, he asked
“Do you think you guys are done?”
I feared the answer to that question as I replied,
“Bro… I don’t know”
He sipped from his drink and said
“…I think you need to know.
You have to earn her trust back if you want to stay married to her.
Leaving her alone won’t work forever. You have to aggressively show her you are sorry and ready to be better.”
He was right.
He was almost always right.
But where would I start from. I feared the vulnerability of begging her and being turned away but I wasn’t considering that I had just violated her vulnerability by my act of cheating.
Something needed to be done. And fast.
In an attempt to lighten the mood, Sayid switched the conversation to soccer.
He laughed as he said,
“You better go and fight for your wife since your team Arsenal can never seem to fight for the title”
A huge smile covered my face as I prepared to reply,
“….Abeg shift, all we need is a few more good players and we are ready to….”
My phone started to ring.
It was an unrecognizable number.
I reached down and Sayid said,
“Who is it?”
I shook my head as I said,
“I don’t even know”
I slid my finger across the screen and said,
“Hello”
The voice on the other side was short and concise.
She said
“Hello Diji, it’s Bimbo.
We need to talk”
…..
“BEHIND THE WRITER”
IMPORTANT NOTICE:“Behind The Writer” edition #2 is BACK. Basically, I will spend that piece answering questions all of you have for me during the week of my birthday in
January.
So PLEASE LEAVE YOUR QUESTIONS IN THE COMMENT SECTIONS BELOW.
AS MANY AS 10 per person.
I’ll pick the TOP 25 and answer them for you all in that piece!
I’M DOING THIS SO ALL MY READERS, SUPPORTERS AND WHOEVER ELSE IS LEFT CAN GET TO KNOW THE WRITER A BIT MORE AND UNKNOWN THINGS ABOUT ME. You can also email me your questions at adewus4real@yahoo.com
ASK ANYTHING. ANYTHING.
I LOOK FORWARD TO IT!!!
…..
I made Sayid come with me that evening as we drove to Bimbo’s house.
I didn’t tell her he was with me but I wanted him there incase anything funny tried to go down.
I could sit here and lie to you but daughters of jezebel are everywhere and men can be so weak; sometimes.
Sayid was convinced that going to her house was a bad idea.
But I considered the fact that if I allowed her to come to my house and Wura ever found out, I would for sure be dead.
I wanted to get this over with.
We pulled up and I asked her to come and meet me outside.
As she walked outside, she noticed Sayid was in the car with me.
I rolled down the window as she said,
“Hey Sayid.
Longest o!”
Sayid smiled and replied,
“Bimbo toh baddest!
Na you dey avoid us o!”
She laughed and said,
“you know thats not true o. Hows everything?”
“We thank Allah.”
Sayid replied.
Their greetings ended and Bimbo asked if she could talk to me in private.
I stepped out of the car and we walked about 15 feet away from it.
Bimbo started by saying,
“Thank you for coming in such short notice.
I really wasn’t planning on calling you.
You made your decision in getting married to Wura and I respect that… so this not an attempt to break you guys up or anything.
….I just wanted you to know that I am pregnant.
Before you ask, you are the only one I have been with since I moved back to Naij.
And I took multiple tests before confirming it at the doctors this morning.
I’m not expecting anything from you but I thought you deserved to know.”
I was in shock as I just stared at her.
She looked at me and said,
“Dj, are you okay?”
I gathered myself and said,
“Yeah..ya. Thanks for telling me.
I just need a moment to think”
Slowly, I turned around as she walked back into her apartment.
When I arrived in the car, Sayid asked me what had happened,
“She’s pregnant bro”
I answered as we turned onto the road.
“Yours”
He asked.
I nodded as I said,
“Yup”
He said nothing else.
And his silence said it all.
“SHIT!”
I dropped him off and he told me he would swing by the next day.
The drive home was silent.
“Oh no!”
I kept thinking to myself.
This was bad.
It was for sure going to break Wura and I.
I cheated once and now that one time produces a child.
A part of me wanted to scream so loud but I would just look like a mad man on the streets of Lagos.
I just wanted to get home and hide under my bed.
And never leave the room.
As I pulled into the driveway, I noticed Wura’s friends car.
Oh maybe she came to pick up some stuff for Wura.
I sat in the car for a few minutes as I gathered myself before heading inside.
As I opened the door, I turned the corner to my right to the living room.
There were suitcases sitting in the middle of the living room.
And Wura was sitting on the couch behind them.
I looked at the boxes and then at her, speechless.
She said,
“Hi Diji”
I didn’t even reply. My first reply was,
“Are you leaving for good now?”
She looked down at the ground.
My heart began to race.
Now?!
Today?!
How could this be happening today!
“Wura, are you leaving me?”
She looked back up at my scared face and said,
“No Diji.
I’m coming home.
We have a lot to talk about and work through.
I’m not leaving my marriage.
I’m coming home”
I heaved a sigh of relief.
Hurriedly, I rushed over and gave her a hug.
She was reluctant to hug me.
She looked at me with a half smile and said,
“Diji, we have a lot to work on and deal with.
I am not giving up on my marriage especially over things that happened before we said our vows.
Does it hurt?
Hell fucking yes.
But God heals and I’m willing to work and let you earn my trust if you are willing too.
I honestly thought of running but what good is that…Trials will always come.
But one thing is for sure, I am not giving up on this union and my vows to you before God and man.
… I am also not giving up on our family”
My eyes grew big,
My ears a bit wider.
Family?
I thought I didn’t hear her right.
So I asked,
“Family?”
She smiled and said,
“Yes.
Family.
I am pregnant Diji”
My face suddenly dropped and I began to cry.
Instantly.
I just sat there and cried.
My heart was happy but I was terrified.
How could this be happening right now?
Life was dealing me a cruel blow and it was going to hurt even more.
The lights were blinding. My eyes slowly adjusted to the lighting in the room.
Empty but for the wall clock.
The lights filled the room and and the only window was behind me.
I could hear cars in the distance from what I presumed was the freeway.
My mind raced as I tried to understand my current situation.
No clues.
I tried to turn to my left, the strap holding my right hand down pulled me back mid air.
I looked down to my right, my right hand was trapped.
Buckled under the straps, my hands and feet kissed the cold of the leather.
I didn’t bother trying to wrestle out of the hold.
My deep sigh rang out into the room as I remembered being taken away.
Those agents.
The gurney.
The back of that ambulance.
The lights.
My mother.
That woman.
My eyes suddenly began to well up.
Why did she do that to me?
Why would she let them take me away?
This place was familiar.
It felt familiar.
I remembered the buzzing sounds of the fluorescent lights. The footsteps in the hallway, the chatter behind the doors.
My mind collaborated with imagination of the world beyond the walls.
I smacked my lips as I wetted my tongue.
I could taste the drugs on my tongue.
And I could hear a voice, gracing the halls with a song.
The door opened and a lady walked in.
The lights seemed to dim as she walked in.
Her foots steps stopped by the bed side and I heard that familiar coarse voice as she said
“Rise and shine Anita”
I looked to my left where she was standing as she flashed a smile.
Her teeth trapped her lollipop stick as she said
“Time to eat. Your session is thirty minutes”
She strapped me down across my pelvic area and slowly released my hands.
I sat up straight and said
“I don’t want to meet with her today”
She walked around to my right side of the bed as she talked
“You have to. She’s coming a long way and she’s here to help you”
I looked at her and asked
“How long have I been here and what day is it?”
She smiled and sucked on her lollipop and replied
“You’ve been here 3days and its Monday”
I muffled my words as I sucked down the chocolate pudding that came with my lunch. It was the best part, believe me.
“So that means I should be getting released today”
She looked startled and said
“Why would you think that?”
I responded by saying
“…because you are a 72hr hold facility. So I should be released soon”
“She giggled and said
“Oh dear. You’re here on a 5250.
We are keeping you for 14days”
I stopped, my mouth full of baby carrots
I looked at her standing by the door
“Why???”
She looked at me and said
“Because you made suicidal and homicidal comments. So we have to watch over you and take care of you”
I snarled back and said
“Homicidal comments at who?!”
My tone shook her as she stepped back and said
“Your mother, I believe”
I cursed under my breath.
This woman wouldn’t let me be.
…..
I heard the keys clank on the metal door outside and then it opened.
My hands were still loose as I sat back and waited for her to arrive.
She smiled at me as she pushed up her glasses
She pulled her chair closer and said
“Good morning Anita”
I nodded and replied
“I don’t want to do this today”
She scribbled on her notepad and said
“Why?”
I rolled my eyes and turned to the left as I said
“I’d just rather not”
She asked again
“You know everything we talk about in here is confidential, right?”
I sighed and nodded as I replied
“Look, you want me to talk to you and then what? We have been here talking for days now and all you do is write and then you go away. You’re probably going to put this information somewhere my mother will find it”
She sat up straight and said
“I’m only here to try and help you. I don’t work for or with your mother. I just want to know what has caused you to see the world the way you do.
So can you tell me a bit about what happened between you and your mother”
I stared straight ahead and then I looked at her and said
“You may not believe me like the last person I told”
She again used her index finger to push up her glasses and then said
“Try me”
I laid back down on the bed and began.
“I was 13 when my dad died. About a year later my mother started dating another man.
At the time I didn’t understand it fully but as I got older, I realized she needed her happiness too.
So I tried to support it.
Things took a very painful turn when her new boyfriend started to rape me”
I paused for second and tears filled my ducts.
I swallowed hard and then I continued
“I wasn’t sure what was going on. My mother never had the sex talk with me or advised me about anything really.
Best put, my mother and I were roommates within the home… she did her thing and I did mine.
I was first put in therapy after my dad passed because my mother thought that something was wrong with me.
I had always felt an animosity from her. Somehow she believed that my father loved me more than he loved her.
It was a really dark place to live in.”
She continued to scribble things on her notepad
I shifted in my bed and continued talking
“My school had a seminar around sexual exploitation and child trafficking.
It was then I understood the depths and the power of rape.
They explained how it was affecting my mental health, my relationships, my self esteem and even my trust in men.
I began to think of ways to talk to my mother about it… did I mention my mother was an alcoholic?
Whenever she got the chance, she would drink.
I always thought she was trying to drown something deep inside her… anyways, it took me about 3weeks but I finally summoned the courage.
That evening, I had returned from dance practice a bit late, about 9:30pm.
I remember walking into the house and greeting her.
She didn’t say much back to me.
She had been drinking.
I went into my and almost talked myself out of it.
It took me a little while but I finally came out and spoke to her.
I was shocked by what happened next.
She turned on me.
She told me that i was too young to know anything and that I was trying to ruin what she and her boyfriend had.
She basically accused me of lying”
“Your mother did?”
the psychiatrist lady asked
I nodded and said
“Yup.
I am not 100% sure but I guess she talked to him because for about a week after that day, he didn’t come into my room.
But then he returned.
And that night he was more aggressive. I couldn’t walk.
Everything hurt.
So that evening after dance practice, I went to speak with the older brother of a friend who I knew was in gangs.
I told him I wanted a gun. He joked and then I told him I was being raped.
He offered to take the shot for me.
I got the gun that night.
And when he came into my room the following night. I shot him.
And then I took 45 pills.
Somehow I woke up in the psych ward under evaluation.
I haven’t seen my mother since. For almost 10 years.
She just went off the grid.
The whole time in the psych ward, my mother never showed up.
The social worker came and I was told that my mother revoked her parental rights and I was now a ward of the court.
The devastation.
I wasn’t sad that I shot the man but to be honest, my mother shot me twice”
I looked at the psychiatrist and said
“Are we out of time yet?
The lady smiled and said
“Don’t worry. Today I’ve got time.
You can go on if you’d like”
For someone so used to bottling things deep inside of me, this felt good to release.
“Yeah.
She never came back.
And a placement wasn’t found for months.
While I waited, there was government testing done and I was picked.
The day I left the facility was the day I swore to never come back. Obviously, as you can see, that dream didn’t come true.
I vowed that day to get my revenge on my mother.
She changed the course of my life.”
It was clear she was intrigued by the story
I asked
“Is there any way I’ll be able to get out of the straps.
Maybe go for a walk. Its been days in these things and I’m only out for showers.
She seems unsure but she said
“I’ll see what I can do.
I’ll say something to the on call staff once we are done here…
So tell me… How has living without your parents and working for the government been?”
I smirked and said
“I’ve seen and done things. I’ve seen lives snuffed out of men with no regard for the families that they leave behind.”
There was a serious look on her face. It was a mixture of surprise and fear or maybe concern.
” is this where you’re going to ask me if I ever killed anyone?”
She paused and said
“Have you?”
I smiled and laid back down. The smile disappeared from my face as I said
“My cousin….
On my breaks from duty or assignments, I thought I could stay with him.
One night even with all my training, he overpowered me and raped me.
Somehow I think my handler wanted me to kill him.
They basically handed him to me on a platter.
It’s funny because I was out. I had told them that I wasn’t going to be a part of it anymore.
I was traveling back from Sudan when they cornered me and then I was left with two bodies.
I took care of it but I was back in.
Before I agreed to take on missions, I had clarified that above everything, the person I wanted to get to most was my mother.
So after many years of working with them and no success I was about to quit. They roped me back in.
What I don’t understand is how she got to me first though.
How did she find me?
It doesn’t make any sense but then all of his doesn’t make much sense to people”
The psychiatrist lady sat upright and placed her folder down on the floor right next to her left foot.
She looked at me and said
“Anita, I have to ask you an important question.
Are you open to it?”
I turned my head to my left side and said
“Sure”
She smiled back and said
“In your file, it says that while you were in the facility, when you were 14. It says that you were diagnosed as having PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder” and Schizophrenia.
Those are heavy tags to live with, how do you feel about that?”
I sat up straight and said
“Here we go!
Now you’re going to think I’ve been making it all up!
This is why I never want to talk to shrinks!
They always act like I’m lying.
This is pointless”
She motioned with her hands as if to say “calm down”.
With a soft tone, she replied and said
“Anita, I’m not here to judge you. I’m here to learn about you.
So I can help you”
“It’s whatever!”
I chimed back.
The session was pretty much done at this point as I was starting to get really angry.
She leaned back and said
“I’m sorry if that upset you.
It was certainly not my intention. Before I leave, can I ask this?
Would it be possible to have a session or two with your mother to see if some repairs can be made to your relationship?”
I sighed and said
“Yes.”
“I know there are some difficult feelings between you two but I feel like with time and work, they are things that we can work through as a team.
How does that sound?”
She asked.
I smiled and said
“I’d like that.
Maybe finally my mother and I can talk after all these years.”
She asked
“So no animosity?”
I shook my head and said
“Not anymore.
Hate consumed me. I’m tired of it”
……
It had been about a week since that session.
They had moved me into another room. It had more things in it.
I was now out of isolation and allowed to mingle with the other residents.
I was out in the resource room when my name was called over the public address system.
I rushed over to my room and a few minutes later, at about 2pm sharp, there was a knock on the door.
The door slightly opened as the psychiatrist, Theresa, walked in.
She smiled big and said
“Hey Anita. How are you today?”
I replied and said
“I’m okay. You?”
“Very well thank you.”
she responded and continued to say
“…So I just wanted to confirm before we start today’s session, that it’s okay if your mom joins us?”
I smiled and nodded while saying
“Yes. I’m looking forward to it”
She smiled and said
“Thank you. I’ll be right back.”
I looked around my room and smoothed the edges of my bed. I was wiping down my desk when there was a gentle knock and a quick open
Standing behind Theresa was my mother.
The woman I went as far as joining the centralized government’s taskforce to find, was right here.
She found me.
It was bittersweet.
I ‘m not sure about how I still felt but I think a part of me was very relieved.
After all these years, to sit across from her.
She timidly walked in approached me and gave me a hug.
She said
“Oh my daughter, how I have missed you”
It was a long hug. A cold one.
We separated and sat down in our seats.
Theresa started by saying
“Thank you both for coming. I am happy this is getting under way. I hope we can all benefit from this as a group and even as individuals.
Anita, anything you would like to start with?”
She smiled and looked my way.
This time, I didn’t smile.
No affect.
She tried again and said
“Anita?
Is everything okay?”
I still said nothing.The puzzled looks on their faces was priceless.
It was silent for a few minutes and then I turned Theresa on my left side and said,
“Can you please give us a minute alone?”
She gathered her things and went out of the room.
I stayed silent and then I said
“Why didn’t you believe me back then?”
I looked her straight in the face. The cold in my face.
I just stared at her.
Then she broke the silence
“Anita, you were young and naive. You didn’t know what you were saying”
No change to my affect, I calmly said
“So you’re sure that was the only option. Not believing me. Your own daughter. You know how much that experience broken me. How much it took from me?
Affected my life and my relationships.”
She smiled and said
“Anita, there comes a time when you have to stop blaming others for your misfortunes.”
“Wait what?
You think I enjoy this? You think I loved living this pain?
The sense of worthlessness, that I don think I’m worthy of ta=
You’re mistaken and this was a mistake.”
I snapped back.
Before I could finish, my mother got up and headed for the door.
She said
“It seems this is not going to go anywhere and maybe I shouldn’t have come.
I wish you all the best.”
I got up and said
“Mom, wait, what, I’m sorry.
Can we please talk?”
She turned around and walked towards my outstretched arms.
I hugged her with my arms behind her back.
I removed my right hand and placed the handkerchief on her nose.
Holding the back of her head with force, I pushed the piece of clothing onto her face.
A few seconds later. She was out cold.
Laying lifeless on the floor of my room.
I walked to my door and opened it. I peeked into the hallway.
Clear.
I rushed back and grabbed my already packed back from under the bed.
I pulled her by her shoulders and out into the hallway.
I had to get to the garage as quickly as possible.
The cameras were going to get me but I was about to get out.
I ran to the door that led to the stairs. It had the “Emergency Exit Only” sign on it. The kind that would trigger if you opened the door without knowing the code.
The door was unlocked already.
Down the stairs I dragged her and minutes later, into the parking garage.
The night shift crew usually started at 4pm and worked till midnight.
Their change was coming up. The afternoon staff was about to do their rounds and they would have noticed that I was missing.
In the garage, there was a running van.
I ran towards it and jumped in the drivers seat.
Slamming my foot on the gas, I drove the van till I was by the door.
I hopped out of the car and yanked the door back into the building open, I dragged my mother out of the building and i pulled her to back of the van.
When I pulled open the double doors of the van, there was a big black box.
I climbed into the back of the van and dragged the empty box to the edge.
I stepped out of the van and lifted my mother into the back of the van.
Folding her body into the box was hard but I dumped her in there.
Head first.
And then I squeezed the rest of her body in.
I locked the box with the padlock and I jumped out of the van.
I rushed into the drivers seat and drove towards the exit.
There usually was a guard there but there was no guard that afternoon.
As I pulled up, the gate slowly opened and I drove out.
This was my city.
I weaved my way through the growing rush hour traffic and about 35minutes later, I was by the water side.
The same place Hazim had brought me back then.
I parked the van and left it running.
I jumped out as I slid some gloves on my hands. I yanked the van’s rear doors open as I climbed in.
The box was obviously now heavy.
I bent down and I pushed the box towards the door of the van.
I got down and dragged the heavy box to my desired spot.
There was a shovel sitting by the stairs that led to the water front. I grabbed it and began digging.
My arms worked as I dug away.
I could feel the sweat trickle through my braids and down the back of my neck.
My palms were sweaty beneath the gloves as I dug away.
There was an anger within me each time the metal from the shovel split the dirt.
I remembered every night with my legs wide apart as my mother’s lover violated me.
I remembered those cold nights in training camp where I actually missed her voice. I remembered the sound of the voice of the social worker as she told me my mother gave me up.
I remembered killing a man.
And another man.
I remembered dying.
Long before I realized.
She let me die. I remembered the way my heart raced as I opened up to my mother about rape.
I remember how she looked into my eyes and pulled the trigger.
And then I heard a noise.
It was a muffled sound coming from the box.
She had woken up.
I stood there heaving as I stopped digging.
I went closer to the box and right when I was about to open it, I heard another familiar voice.
“Anita!”
I turned to my right and at the top of the steps was Hazim.
He had a smile on his face as if to say “well done partner”
As he drew closer, I asked
“How did you do it?”
He smiled and said
“It doesn’t matter. What matters is that you got her. But I have to ask, did you really have to go through all this to get her though.
I know you knew that we had found her when she called you on the phone that day.
So why all this”
I smiled and said
“This was all a smokescreen”
I moved the shovel to my left hand and continued
“It was a distraction to my original plan.
Revenge was always my top priority but I wanted it to feel natural. She was always going to run from me. So I had to make it impossible for her to see me coming.
I was miles ahead.
Being taken into the psych ward was all part of the plan.
And her not seeing me coming, makes it even sweeter”
He smiled. Oh I loved the smile on his face.
It showed that he respected me and the lengths I went to exert my revenge
Then he said
“Well, I’m glad you are getting what you have always wanted. Since I met you, its all you’ve talked about.
Here you go”
Hazim handed me an envelope.
I collected it and peeked inside. it was the same gun, I shot my cousin with.
I smiled and I said
“Thank you Hazim.
Truly. For everything.
You are a true friend”
He came closer and he gave me a hug and a peck on the cheek.
He straightened his suit and said
“Are you really going to go through with it?”
I smirked and said
“What do you think?”
He rolled his eyes and said
“I don’t even know why I asked.”
as he turned around and began walking back towards his car.
He said
“Leave the van.
Someone will be here to take care of it soon…”
He was about 4ft away from me when I said
“Hazim..”
He turned around and
“BANG!”
I shot him.
Right in his head.
I walked over to the box and opened it.
There was my mother.
Shivering at the sight of the gun in my right hand. She had just heard the shot ring through the early evening sky.
I smiled and said
“Mother, can I ask you question?”
She didn’t respond. She just continued to beg
“Anita! Anita!! Anita!!!
I’m so sorry for everything… Pl..plea…pleee..Please let m…
Give me a chance to make it right”
My face suddenly became serious.
And then I asked
“When you had sex with him after I told you he raped me, did you heard my cries in your ears and in your head?”
She was still begging. I yelled
“ANSWER!!!!”
She continued to shiver and said
“Anita! I’m sorry!
Please I’m sorry”
I looked her in the eyes.
I could touch her fear.
I could feel her desperation. I could taste her tears from where I stood.
“Anita, I’m sorryyy…y..y.y..yyyyy…!”
“BANG BANG”
She went silent as life slowly abandoned her to the chaos that filled this world
And I whispered
“…I’m not”
I walked over to Hazim and dragged his body to the body.
It took me a few minutes but I forced his well toned frame into the box.
Both bodies in the box.
I returned to digging.
I turned to the left and blood was flowing onto the dirt from the corner of the box.
After about twenty more minutes, I walked over to the box and with all my strength, I dragged it to the hole.
I dropped it in hole.
I walked back to the van and opened the passenger side door. On the floor was a can of fuel.
I returned to the hole and bent down to open the box. I dumped most of the fuel all over the two bodies and set fire to it.
I dropped the can next to the hole and I walked back to the top of the stairs.
I sat down on the bench and lit myself a cigarette.
The smoke from my mouth sailed into the sky as the dark smoke from the hole filled the sky.
I smiled and kicked my head back.
One of the things I learned early on from working with Hazim was to always stay far ahead of your target.
Because if you let them get too close, you might still take them out but they have the chance to get to you.
Hazim was too close.
And I could eventually have become his target.
Call it paranoia but I would rather not take chances.
The sun was beginning to set over to my left.
I gazed up at it and puffed out another smoke.
A smile covered my face.
It had been a rollercoaster ride and I drove that shit without my seatbelt on.
Fin.
Oh what I would pay to see the look on your face RIGHT NOW! (Please remember to tweet #WhatTheHeckMan #SanmiSaturdays once you are done commenting! Thank youuuuuu!)
I bet you didn’t see that coming.
Well, it’s WhatTheHeckMan, so what do you expect besides the unexpected.
If you enjoyed this captivating and sometimes scary series, PLEASE LEAVE ME A COMMENT BELOW.
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Birthday Wish List 
