The Wordsmith

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Waiting by Adrian Marcel

The words are easy to say

How you led me on my way

To fall for you each day

I have loved you in every single way

As a man

I’ve put down my pride

To keep the hope of you and I

Alive

But somehow you drift

Like a sinking ship at see

A lost cause

You choose this path that leaves pain

You came into my life and its never been the same

Twenty-three time I have asked why

I have drained all my tears

Looking upward

Far into the sky

One more time I had hope for you

But you left and made me feel

Like a glorified fool

Today, I take back me

I fight what I know will be true

The sad thing is you know me well

And no matter all the lies I tell

You own my heart

And it’s where I truly want you to dwell

I hope I wake up soon

From this coma filled with pain and darkness

Because you continue to leave with me heart

And one day

You’ll leave me truly heartless.

Signed,

The Wordsmith

 

.     .     .     .     .

 

Everyday, I spend hours typing away watching a colorful variety of people visit the courthouse to appear before the job.

My job as a stenographer not only allowed me to fall in love with words but with people’s stories on a daily basis.

I saw anything from the 16-year-old juvenile who crashed his mom’s car on a drunken joyride night to a 69-year-old lady who had too much to drink at Bingo the night before.

I saw them all and for the most part, I ignored them all.

 

I consider myself a fairly attractive young man. This was my job during the day while I finished my public health management degree with a host of night classes.

I ran into my fair share of women as a result of work and my school. From hot Spring breaking 22yr olds to the hot newly crowned 32 yr old nurses.

I had my way with them. I have my way with words but what I have come to find is that once the words depart from you heart, they carry life and you cannot always control their effects on people.

 

I remember the day I met Jasmine. She was 5’4 with a gorgeous smile and a perfect booty. Don’t judge me.

Like almost any man out there, those were the things I noticed first.

I made it a point to never approach any woman I met through work. Well for one, it was messy. But it almost meant, they knew where and when I worked and how much I made (I work for the state and my salary is public record).

But that day, it must have been fate.

 

It was two years ago. Jasmine was there for a DUI case that involved five other cars. She was the passenger in the seat that caused the crash.

Normally, the crash wouldn’t have even concerned her but she was drunk and had an open container of alcohol right in her hands when the police showed up.

So she was ordered into AA classed, drug court and her license was suspended for a year.

She took it on the chin though and things kept on going. The next case came in after her but I remembered her smile very clearly.

 

Later that evening, I was making my way from my Chemistry class which had gotten out a full hour early. I was walking across the walk bridge by the levy when I heard a group of people laughing loudly through my headphones.

I took on ear out and turned around as they neared me and then one of them said

“Hey!

Aren’t you the guy from court!”

You guessed right. It was Jasmine.

Drunk.

Well, maybe tipsy.

.       .       .        .        .       .

I remembered her smile and well, she was still wearing the same clothes. I looked at her as I smiled and said

 “I’m pretty sure the judge told you to stay away from alcohol”

She laughed and then her friends joined as replied

“Yes. Yes, she did but are you going to arrest me”

I shook my head as I smiled at their foolishness and then she said

“You’re cute, you should come out with us. We’re going to hit a couple more bars….

And I promise, we will we walking the whole time.

No cars!”

Like I said, she was hot and remember the thing I said about fate?

Well, I followed the out that night.

And like the rest of out time together would be, I would continue chasing her because before the night was over, she had disappeared.

But she had left her phone in my blazer pocket, which she had used as a coat at one point during the night.

Her leaving her phone was my in.

Two years later, she’s still disappearing.

 

I hadn’t spoken to her in 6 months.

But to tell you I was in love with this woman was lie. I was in love with all of her existence.

She claimed to have been carted off to some out patient rehab facility in San Diego.

We had been through things over the last few years. A lot that I would share with you over time, but none more compelling than her disappearing acts.

It was like clockwork.

She would come into my life, establish herself and then when my hope would rise.

Poof!

Gone.

I wondered what I loved about her at one point but see it was the way she talked, how she swayed, how we played, the plans we made but the only problem was that she never stayed.

I stared at the computer screen while she finished her cereal. I giggled as she drained the milk out of her bowl before each bite. Such a waste, I thought to myself as I smiled and then she said

 

“What?”

with a smile lighting up her face as she referred to the cereal.

“You know I don’t like milk”

she continued.

I nodded as she covered her mouth and chowed her Fiber One cereal down.

I just didn’t know what to say but I was happy. Finally being able to talk to her. The happiness couldn’t be contained and then I said

“I wish I was there with you”

She smiled and said

“I wish I was there with you… curled up in your arms”

I smiled and sat up straight in my bed.

Moving my computer from my left onto my lap. I looked at her and said

“What if you can?”

she didn’t catch what I said as she responded with a confused

“Huh?”

I laughed and repeated myself.

“What if I buy your ticket and you can come here tomorrow?

Well later tonight?”

It was past midnight and in the early hours of Friday.

She still looked confused as she said

“Are you serious?”

I nodded and said

“I’ll buy your ticket and you can come here after work later today.”

Her face got serious as she noticed I wasn’t joking around.

“You know it’s going to be expensive right?”

“I want you here. That’s all that matters.

Don’t worry about the cost right now”

I replied.

She paused for a second and then a huge smile covered her face as she said

“Wow.. Okay!”

And that moment, I got on it

I opened a new tab and found the right flight with the return that would have given her enough time to make back for work on Monday with enough time.

There was an element of shock, excitement and surprise all written all over her face.

 

The whole process took about 45minutes but halfway through the planning was complete. There were two one-way tickets with her flying in from Chicago to San Diego and then back out on Monday. The hotel was booked and everything was ready to go.

I think the speed at which it all happened made her feel very connected. I could see it in her eyes. She put her bowl of cereal down and began packing.

I couldn’t contain my excitement either, I would have the woman that owned my heart in my arms by the end of the day and it felt so good.

 

.       .       .       .        .        .

Lost by Tay 

There was nothing I could focus on at work. I even sat down in front of my computer attempting to log on and that took me almost five minutes because I couldn’t stop thinking about her.

You know when you feel a connection with someone where your every thought aligns with him or her. You cannot seem to contain yourself or your excitement for the things that you would do together. That was exactly how I felt and trust the time to move as slowly as possible that day.

I remember a few times where she texted me and said

“Is this real?”

The experience was one of those few that would be etched in ones memory for a long time

I could tell that she was just as excited as I was.

That day, I left the courtroom and packed up my stuff into the back of my car.

I just couldn’t wait to have her in my arms.

 

I remember feeling so excited that I began to worry that if something went wrong, I wouldn’t be able to handle it. I was only a few minutes away from the airport when I ran into traffic, I knew her flight had landed and I didn’t want to keep her waiting.

That area was notorious for traffic and I began to get upset.

“Why was this happening right now?”

I continued to ask myself. I truly just wanted to ram my car straight into the back of the car in front of me like an army tanker.

But I noticed the car pool lane was moving along just fine. I glanced at my phone and the time read 6:48pm.

Dinner reservations were at 7:30pm and there was absolutely no way I was going to make it in time if I stayed in the traffic.

So I checked my mirrors and moved over to the carpool lane.

I waited till I noticed a bus coming. My theory was that if I got into the lane before a bus. Then a police officer would not be able to go around me to catch me because the lanes next to the carpool lane were stagnant.

My thinking.

So I merged into the carpool lane. I must have gone about 6 miles at about 70 miles per hour and I was just a few exits shy of the airport when I noticed a bike cop, go around the bus

My heart skipped various beats and I was sure that I was about to die.

A ticket on a night like that!

Why?????

I slowed down because I was not about to get a ticket for speeding and violating the carpool laws.

I was expect his lights to go off when the cop on the bike slowed down behind me.

I thought it was over at that point.

I was for sure getting a ticket.

Sad because I was also driving past another one of the signs that reminded folks that carpool was “TWO OR MORE PEOPLE during the hours of 3pm-7pm”

I had done this many times but why did this have to happen today.

A few seconds as I continued driving and the cops lights went on.

I cannot say I never esperred it because I did and at that point, it was all over Jackie.

But right then, the cop sped past me!

 

I was stunned with my heart still racing. He kept on going.

I couldn’t thank my stars enough. I was so shocked that I didn’t even realize when I had come up to my exit. I quickly signaled and merged to get off the highway.

I was still thanking my starts when Jasmine called my phone.

The next 6 minutes would be spent on the phone trying to direct her to the proper gate where I could pick her up.

You know how annoying it can be circling the airport waiting for the person you were there to pick up to finally make their way out. But I had to keep my feelings in check and not lose it today.

 

I was circling around for what must have been my 4^th time when she said

“I think I see you”

I replied snottily

“It’s about time your big eyes saw something”

I pulled up to the curb and got out of the car and there she was.

Chocolate goodness.

In a white dress with teal shoes to match, her skin glowed. She was killing the dress and it was not asking for mercy.

Slayed.

I gave her a hug and squeezed her tight with my right hand making a point to take a handful of her soft buttocks on its way down.

She smelled heavenly and I could not stop smiling but we were going to be late.

I put her back on the back seat as she sat down and we took off.

We just laughed and talked about how crazy this was that she was here already.

We both knew that we had serious things to talk about but those would have to wait.

Tonight, it was just us two.

 

Dinner was amazing. And as you can imagine, I couldn’t stop staring.

The way she laughed. The way she looked at me.

I had missed her.

She chowed down her slice of plain cheesecake; her favorite. And then we headed home. She thought that I was taking her home but the real reason I was stuck in traffic earlier was because I was coming from the hotel.

I had checked in earlier and had the room set up. The music playing over my portable speakers, scented candles lighting up the room and the chocolate covered grapes were sitting on the bed side cabinet.

 

The bath was set and I walked her into the room. She could not stop smiling.

I told her to close her eyes as I walked her to her seat.

She gently sat down and her eyes remained closed. I placed a few of the chocolate covered grapes in her mouth and I planted a kiss on her lips. I pulled away and returned quickly to place some headphones over her ears.

She smiled and looked confused as to what was happening. I pulled away and sat down on the couch and I began to talk into the microphone. Her face lit up as my voice travelled between her ears.

 

Slowly, I gave her directions of how the night was going to go. The things I would do her and I gave her my warning for the night

“I won’t stop, no matter how much you beg”

 I sensed the chills travel through her spine as I said that. I placed the microphone down and walked over to her. Helping her off the seat, I had her standing as I slowly took off every piece of clothing on her bar her underwear.

Unlatching her bra with my teeth, I travelled further south to help her panties off with my tongue as the heat from my nostrils burned on her flesh.

Fully naked, I asked her to lie on the bed face down.

I opened the bottle of baby oil and sprayed it all over her back. She let out a moan as the warm oil covered her.

My strong hands went to work as I oiled her body up and massaged it into her already glistening skin.

It wasn’t helpful because I knew I wouldn’t last.

Her bare body in front of me and in my arms after all these months and I couldn’t contain myself.

The massage was deep as I worked my hands into the knots around her shoulders and in her lower back. She was almost falling asleep when I turned her over.

A very wet kiss followed and she wanted me to continue, I pulled her up and told her to follow me.

Into the bathroom we went and she was surprised at the candle lit bathroom and the bubble filled tub.

In she went and the warm water caressed her skin. I sat on the outside of the tub like a nurse washing up a wounded soldier. The washcloth helped as I washed the oil off her body.

She looked up at me with love and want. Like she just wanted to pounce on me for all I had done.

She was about to talk when with my free hand, I asked

“Grapes?”

As I shoved a couple down her mouth

She knew what I was doing and I wasn’t hiding it either.

 

I carried her out of the shower after rinsing her down and onto the bed.

My kisses were long and short. I wanted to enjoy every moment of taking her in.

There was a pause as I neared her waist and I looked up at her.

I could see her eyes closed, biting her lower lip as I loved so much. Her moans were still stifled but she belted out as I slowly kissed her pink.

She was turning slowly as my tongue explored the depths of her.

There was a way my face was drenched in her wetness that I had no other reason but to go for more as my beard soaked.

My licks like strokes of a painters brush over his canvas covered her clit as I picked up and slowed the pace at will.

Her echoes of “Yes and More” sailed into the room.

She clutched the sheets for dear life and I went in search for more, lapping up every drop as she flowed onto my tongue

 

Our fingers locked into each other’s as I rested over her. Sliding in, my thrusts were slow and I gazed into her eyes. The connection was one I cannot translate to you.

I just appreciated the beauty in her eyes as every inch of me was covered by her juices. Majority of the night was in that position and I felt no urge to force.

The night and the experience with her again was far more than any thing at that point. This was the woman I loved and her body, I had missed.

No words were exchanged.

And climaxes were duly shared. When I lay next to her with her head on my chest before we invited sleep between us, I placed a kiss on her forehead and whispered.

“I love you”

I looked down at her and as usual, she was fast asleep. No complaints from me.

She was in my arms again and that was enough for me.

I turned my head to the left and blew out the last candle. The darkness lit the room but my night with her had brightened up my world.

 

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.        .        .        .          .         .

The blinds were still closed as I opened up my eyes. I had smile on my face that didn’t reflect my tiredness. I turned to my right where Jasmine had slept and she was gone.

A very familiar feeling covered my heart and I knew what was coming next.

The rollercoaster of emotions as I sat up straight, I stretched to flick on the lights.

On they went and I noticed her things had been packed and she was gone.

I couldn’t believe it but I think I was more upset that I had been fooled again.

To give the benefit of the doubt, I reached for my phone.

Unlooking it, I dialed her number and of course it went to voicemail. I was beginning to get angry because I had expected this time to be different. I thought we had gotten over her leaving me but I guess I had not gotten the memo.

 

I slid my legs out from under the covers and placed them on the ground and my phone buzzed. I briefly got excited as I thought it was her.

I looked down at the phone and it was Asha.

I answered it and said

“Hello”

She laughed on the other end and said

“Do we have to start begging you for you to call your girlfriend again?”

I placed my left hand on my head as I said

“#WhatTheHeckMan”

 

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Fallen Heights 4

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Dead Again by Asa 

It all felt like a dream.

I felt like I was staring down the wrong man. I felt like I was in the wrong place.

I must have been dreaming, I thought to myself.

My Pastor?

He just stared at me, as the shock all over my face was impossible to hide. I couldn’t muster the words to speak. This was the Pastor I had just seen in church a few hours ago!

Here he was looking at me expecting me to perform sexual acts on him. I just sat there; speechless.

He smiled and didn’t say my name; all he did was pull his zipper down. I knew what it meant. I gathered myself and tried to imagine him as any other client.

With each moan, I felt something deep inside me die a painful death. I almost wished I could stab him with an ice pick.

This man was a disgrace to everything but who was I to judge him?

After all, I was part of the same worship team at the church and here I was. But this was a married man with a spiritual flock of children to lead towards holiness.

I began to see the world for what it was on a different level.

All the things I went through growing up with my mother were hard and I always assumed that it was just how things were supposed to go but this, this made me terrified of humanity.

This same man would stand in front of a congregation the same weekend and preach to the people. A liar. A total liar.

 

But I continued to suck. Nibbling and sucking harder than I normally would, I wanted him to just cum so I could get out of there.

I was sucking hard and he neared his climax. I was not going to allow any of his seed in my mouth. Somehow that just felt like a graduated level of stooping low.

I rolled his balls in my hand as he neared and then I pulled my lips off him as he ejaculated all over his pants. He seemed angry that I didn’t catch it all in my mouth. I pulled the door open and bolted out of the car. I didn’t run.

This time I was too shocked at what had happened to run.

I heard the door slam behind me and then his car drove past me into the night. I could not believe it.

I sat down at a table a Denny’s restaurant open 24hrs and just tried to replay all that I had seen in the last few days.

 

.       .       .           .         .           .

 I had ordered some food at the Denny’s but I couldn’t eat it.

I had stayed there till sunrise. When I got home, I snuck into my room and lay down on my bed.

I never felt so dirty in my life. I could not believe how much I hated myself.

Not because I followed through with it but because there was not a second while he got in the car where I considered stopping.

I kept replaying it back in my head. This was supposed to be the father of our church; the leader of the flock. I just couldn’t understand all that had happened and how I had allowed myself to be involved in that.

I could have gotten out of the car but I didn’t. I could have confronted him but I didn’t. More than anything I felt like I had fallen so far beyond morals.

Why was the pastor on the street at that time of the night and in that neighborhood?

 

Nothing was making any sense but I was old enough to know that I couldn’t say anything especially since I was the “hooker” girl in the town and he was the revered man of God in the town. I was trying to navigate all of the last 12 hours in my mind. I was trying to make some sense of everything.

I was so tired.

My mind was replaying everything. Somehow I kept going back to my phone call with Ms. Lecia the night before. Why didn’t she come to get me?

I suddenly felt like I couldn’t trust her. I knew what Ms. Lecia was capable of.

Over the years, I had seen it first hand. Girls suddenly being moved, losing their government services, out on the street. I knew that if I went up against her over this issue, I could end up on the losing side.

 

I was stepping out of the shower when Ms. Lecia knocked and let herself in before I got a chance to respond. She walked in as I stood there in my towel and water dripped down my face.

I was looking at her as she sat down on my bed and said,

“Jade darling, how are you?”

I felt her words tickle down my spine. I swallowed hard and said,

“I’m fine Ms. Lecia”

 “How was last night?”

she asked as she scanned the room.

“It worked out”

she smiled and said,

“So you have something for me?”

 “Yes ma’am. It’s in the bag”

I pointed to my bag sitting on the table. She got up and walked up to it. Picking it up, she unzipped it and began to fish inside for the money. I stood there frozen as my body air-dried.

She pulled out the bundle of money I had placed in there. I made no money the night before. The Pastor hadn’t paid anything and I was too nervous to ask.

I had placed some of my money there. My stash had taken a significant hit but at least she was getting her money.

 

She turned around and said,

“Aren’t you going to put your clothes on?”

I moved and headed for my closet. I had my back turned to her as she counted the money and then I heard her say,

“So, anything interesting happen after I spoke to you last night? Anything noteworthy?”

I knew exactly what she was talking about but I didn’t turn around as I tried to put on a flat affect. I slowly turned around and said,

“No ma’am”

I turned back around as I heard her inch closer towards me. A few seconds later, she was breathing down my neck behind me. I tried to steady myself and then she said,

“That’s good and let’s keep it that way. You know Jade, sometimes interesting things happen to people and they feel the need to share and then it can hurt them. We wouldn’t want anything to happen to you, right?”

 

I nodded. But I knew it was a direct threat.

I knew exactly what she meant. It was a “rock the boat and I’ll pull the rug out from under your feet” threat.

The Pastor had obviously spoken to her and it was clear to me that if our interaction ever came to light, I was going to be the fall person. Ms.Lecia was going to protect herself and the Pastor.

In those short sentences she uttered, it was clear to me that in everything she did, I was always collateral damage and sacrificing me was always possible to her.

She would do it in a heartbeat.

“You’re going to church tomorrow right?

I need you to give some money to the Pastor. Tell him it’s a donation to the church building fund”

 

I said okay.

She rubbed my back and walked out of the room. I knew in that moment that I had to get out and I had to get out fast!

I put my clothes on. Reached for the rest of the money in my stash.

A few clothes together and my computer in my backpack and then I waited.

 

About an hour later, I heard her leaving the house. I rushed out the door and headed down the stairs. I went by the dining table and there was an envelope addressed to the Pastor. I picked it up and rushed into my car.

My next stop was a coffee shop about 15 minutes away from the house. I needed to talk to someone. And I knew just the person.

It was about an hour later when I had finished writing one of the longest emails I had written in a while. It was addressed to my therapist. I had been banking on her confidentiality.

Most importantly, I was banking on forcing her to break her confidentiality. I had detailed all the events of the last two days to her and in there, the final few lines in my message forced her to break her professional silence. It read,

“…… I have always teetered between what was right and would keep a roof over my head but with the events of the last 24 hours and my conversation with Ms.Lecia this morning, I am fearful for my life and my safety. I don’t know what she is capable of at the moment but I am also not hoping to have to find out the hard way. I don’t feel safe in her home, so I am leaving.”

 

I closed my laptop. My hope was that with everything I had told my therapist over time, she would talk to the police who would put out a protective detail for me and force the social services department to protect me.

My drive to the hotel I would lodge in was short. About 30 minutes later, I was settling into my room. I had some candles on the shelf and I bought a ton of alcohol.

I needed to alter my state and I needed sleep. The first glass was Hennessey and Apple Juice with Gatorade. I felt the first kick.

And then I looked at the time, it was a little after 5pm. I wouldn’t wake up till the morning.

 

.       .       .         .         .

Life by Efya

 My plan had backfired. It blew up way more than I had ever intended.

Overwhelm was on another level.

I had spent the entire day trying to comprehend the magnitude of what was happening.

I could not breathe.

Wherever I turned seemed to have my face on the screen.

My cry for help had set in motion a thorough examination of the system from Ms. Lecia to all the other foster homes in the area.

Everyone was being looked at, Ms. Lecia was being paraded on the television as she was arrested and the home was closed. The Pastor was also taken into custody while there were scenes of protests outside the church with people calling for it to be shut down.

One news station said that my case could potentially render many girls homeless as they began to explore their placement arrangements. Girls would be pulled from homes that they felt were not providing the most care.

I never intended for any of this. I truly just needed their support and a safe place to live. I was still trying to figure out how I got to this scary and lonely place.

My Facebook and twitter pages were flooded with hate. People called me names and compared me to the scum of the earth. I somehow felt like I was in a fish bowl and everyone was looking in on me.

I could feel the walls closing in on me.

There was no one to turn to.

Zoey had sent me this nasty text message that really got to me.

I tried to shake it off but it really got to me. I know she said it because she was hurt by the developments but her words really cut. I began to question all of me.

All my life, I had searched for my identity. For someone to love me completely and now, this life I had, however messed up was the closest thing I had to that.

And now it was being taken away from me.

In secret, my life had been difficult, people had turned me down and I had no one but the hope of a sister in another home, the hope that one day we would be reunited.

Life had dealt me a difficult hand after the other but I tried to remain strong but there was only so much more I could hold out for.

There was not a single place that wasn’t talking about the social services scandal that I had uncovered. Every thing was magnified.

They had my tweets online, some of my friends from school gave interviews about me. There were speculations about my person and everyone seemed to have an opinion.

No one was talking about the real me. The loving side of me or the resilient side of me, the fighter in me. Nothing of that sort was discussed.

I slowly watched any hope of me building a life in my community vanish. But there was something in me that continued to believe that it would pass. So I tried to stay strong.

 

I was staying in a hotel on the outskirts of town, somewhat away from all the media coverage around the house. I had returned from a walk where I had cried my eyes with no answers to all my problems.

I walked into the Buffalo Wild Wings restaurant to pick up some food. I was sitting on the couches at the front of the restaurant scrolling through my phone when a family walked in. The daughter looked at me while her family waited to be seated. She kept glancing over at me like she recognized me from somewhere and then right when they returned to call them to be seated, she looked at me in the face and pointed at the television as she said,

“I know you. You’re the girl on the T.V”

I turned around and true to it, there I was. In full high definition, my face graced the cover of the community’s resource for gossip and empty digest. I looked back at the girl with my face flushed with regret. She didn’t know exactly why I was on there; she couldn’t have, as she didn’t seem more than 7 years old.

But I knew and her mother knew as she shielded her away from me. I felt my heart crumble into tiny little pieces. This was not what I deserved.

A part of me died in that moment. The walk back to my hotel was the longest ever.

I knew I had given up. I just had nothing left to give.

I had lost my appetite for the chicken wings I bought and more importantly, I had lost my appetite for life.

For whatever reason, that interaction with the girl had gotten to me. It had cut deeper. I think in her innocent eyes, I felt myself as part of the evil in the world. Stories like mine would affect her. And then all I could think of was my younger sister, how could I ever face her again?

How could I ever try to tell her what was right from wrong?

I couldn’t take it anymore. My heart was racing. My head was pounding.

I could feel the cold hitting the back of my ears. My stomach was in knots.

My knees wobbled.

My palms became sweaty.

My gulps became harder. My breathing became shorter.

My eyes began to water. The tears began to flow.

I stopped right at the overpass. Looking down as cars disappeared, I pictured every hope I had of a normal future vanishing. Suddenly I was filled with rage, towards my mother and towards God. I knew what I was about to do was not right but why was he allowed to put me through all this?

It was often said that he only tested you with that which he felt you could handle but this was too much. It wasn’t fair. This wasn’t fair.

The hand I was dealt wasn’t fair.

The tears began to flood my eyes. I couldn’t breathe. I just wanted it all to be over. I placed the food down and climbed on the ledge.

My mind flashed back to 72 hours ago when this particular chain of events started and I reached for my phone. I typed out the message to my sister;

“No matter what, remember I love you. You are everything and so much more. I love you and I’m sorry”

I dropped the phone over the ledge and heard it smash on to the ground. And then I let go.

The lights went out shortly after.

The End

To some it can seem somewhat unfair that Jade eventually paid with her life after everything she had been through. In a way, I wrote this story to give credit to those that life deals the hardesr hands but try each day to make the best out of it.
There are many people like Jade out there, backs against the wall and having to do whatever possible to just stay afloat. Be thankful for your journey but also take it as a lesson to appreciate that of others. There will be Ms Lecia’s trying to use you and people like the “Pastor”, publicly screaming for your success but secretly only another tool to pull you down.

This story highlights resilience, determination, pain, struggles, hopelessness and above all, it shows that no matter what it is you build up, it can all crumble quickly so try to live right.

Jade might have jumped but you dont have to. Reach out to someone who loves you and together, reach for greater heights.

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Fallen Heights 3

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 ⟹ ⟹ ⟹ PRESS PLAY HERE BEFORE READING

Her Past by Mar 

A couple hours later practice was over.

The way people always fled the church once we were done was actually fascinating to watch. I sat in the back just trying to compose myself.

I had just spent the last two hours belting out gospel tune after the other and trying to sell a perception of myself that I didn’t believe in.

I knew I had a good heart but I wasn’t a holy person.

I should have never been on that stage let alone leading them in worship. I would repeatedly feel sick to my stomach as I thought about all the things I had done.

But I would remind myself that I was hoping to get out soon enough; that I was a good person deep down and then.

 

I was busy booking the Uber ride when I heard my name. I looked up and the saw the Pastor of the church walking towards me.

I immediately remembered Ms Lecia’s tithe that I was meant to pay into the church’s coffers. I had almost left without doing it.

The Pastor walked up to me and sat next to me.

 

“Jade, my dear, how are you?”

 

he said.

 

I bowed my head in a mixture of shame and respect as he spoke.

 

“You have not been coming to church lately. What has been going on with you?”

 

he continued.

 

“I’ve just been really busy with work and school sir.”

 

I responded quietly.

 

He looked at me and smiled,

 

“You cannot be too busy for God”

 

he said and then continued on,

 

“God has a purpose for you. Everyday you are out in the world sinning, you diminish his plans for you. You have a light on you and a gift of a beautiful voice. You are meant to use it to glorify him not the world.

I heard from MsLecia that you’re sometimes out late and keeping questionable friends. That should not be heard of with a child of God. You need to decide on who you want to represent; God or the world. The world will only give you fleeting attention and lead you to sin. The wages of sin is death.

You need to live a life closer to God my dear.”

 

He turned and looked at me as I forced a smile and thanked him for his words. I truly felt empty.

 

.     .     .       .     .

 There was something about the ride. It was smooth but my heart continued to jump off the walls. I desperately wanted to make it stop but I could hear the words of the pastor playing over and over like a Vine looped without someone to stop it.

I just wanted to feel like I didn’t deserve all that but I knew I did.

There were no excuses to be made and I couldn’t conjure valid rebuttals. The truth was that I needed to get my life right and that meant getting out. I was thinking about it all and I just imagined my mother and all she went through for me to have a good life.

No matter what my mother went through, I always felt comforted by the fact that she had my best interests at heart. Even when she was selling drugs. I think that might have been what caused me to continue to tell myself that what Ms. Lecia was having me do was okay.

I knew it was wrong and I was getting tired of it but I had no way out.

 

Ms. Lecia and the pastor are siblings. Well half siblings.

They grew up together for years after their parents who had them separately got married. They divorced again but the kids Ms. Lecia and Pastor Clark stayed in contact.

Ms. Lecia was well known in the neighborhood. She was the last stop for girls that no one else in the system would take. So if you left her house without being adopted out or getting your own place, you were most likely going to end up on the street.

I was not going to let that happen to me. I was not going to be my mother.

I was not going to struggle with the same things she did but my means of security had to change. Being trapped by staying with Ms. Lecia was not healthy.

I still never understood why she had us doing that kind of work but I had heard from one of the girls that she had been assaulted in college and she basically was too traumatized to continue that eventually she dropped out and disappeared for two years.

She returned to the neighborhood she grew up in and has lived there since. She was said to be a different woman from when they last saw her.

Colder and more focused on her growth as a woman.

She got into various ventures and began to make a name for herself as a businesswoman.

For whatever reason, a lot of people were fearful of Ms. Lecia. Not many people wanted to approach her and even when she attended council meetings, what she said would go.

I realized later that she used us, the girls, as a way to control the city. She sent us to various men who we could then bring down if we chose to. That way she had them in her pocket, a lot of men in her pockets.

That was one of the things that scared me about quitting and running away. I always felt like I was trapped in a horribly negotiated contract. I was thankful to Ms, Lecia for taking me in but I was beginning to think about being more for sister and just for myself but what was I going to do.

 

.     .       .       .       .

The Uber driver David told me that I had arrived at my destination. It was an Old Victorian home that was very well lit in front. I thanked the driver as I shook the heaviness out of my heart and headed towards the house.

Up the stairs I began to wonder what the client would be like. I know I was doing something wrong but I still said a prayer before I walked into every space asking God to protect me.

I arrived at the door and I slowly opened it up.

The house was very tidy. Everything looked like it had its place and would seem completely off if moved around.

I had been told to head straight into the bedroom and wait for him. This was meant to be a short transaction. Give him what he was paying for and leave once he fell asleep.

I walked up the stairs inside the house. I gathered that he was a Caucasian male with two daughters. Probably divorced I figured as I let myself into the bedroom. I placed my bag on the bed and headed for the bathroom.

It had been a long day and a shower was in order.

I turned the shower on and headed back into the room to grab a shower cap. There was no way water was getting in my hair.

I returned a few minutes later to hot water spraying out of the showerhead.

 

The shower was short but again calming. I felt my troubles leave my shoulders.

Briefly forgetting my problems, I was now in work mode as I exited the shower. I dried myself up and headed in the room.

One foot on the bed; firmly on the bed, I began to lotion my entire body. Covering all the reachable inches of my body.

I slipped into my all white lingerie as had been requested. A few daps of my perfume around my neck, between my thighs and I was ready.

I sat down on the edge of the bed and I was actually scrolling through my Twitter timeline when I heard the door unlock. He was on the phone.

His voice grew as he approached the room. He ended the call shortly before he walked in.

The way he looked at me was the way you looked at a new pair of shoes at the mall. He had that

“I must have you” look as he headed towards me.

I was standing up to introduce myself when he grabbed me off the ground and dropped me on the bed.

My first thought was that he was rough but I think he was just built up. He wanted to get all of the aggression inside him out.

His hands were strong and his grip was safe. Weird to say but I was beginning to get turned on by how he was holding me.

He was kissing my neck and working his way towards my breasts. My eyes closed as I was starting to get into the groove.

And then the door opened.

I couldn’t believe my ears. I opened my eyes and caught the expression of shock boldly written all over his face. The front door had been opened.

“You gotta go”

He whispered as he hurriedly jumped off me and pushed me towards the closet door. He grabbed my bag and threw it in there after me.

He seemed pretty affluent and the closet was huge. But there I was living one of my worst nightmares; half-naked in a married man’s home.

“Baby, I’m home”

I heard her say as she walked up the stairs. She must have returned early from some sort of trip.

I just hoped I would not get caught.

They began to talk for a bit as I heard her take her clothes off. Oh shit!

What if she needed to grab something from the closet?!

I turned around and noticed that both their closets were connected.

For a few seconds, her voice died out while he spoke and then I heard hers pretty close. She was in her closet!

I freaked out and gasped.

She heard me and said,

“Who is that?”

I didn’t give her a moment to ask her follow up question. I grabbed my bag and bolted out of the closet. Barefoot and ass cheeks hanging out of my clothing items, I ran.

I ran for my life as I headed down the stairs towards the front door. I could hear her screaming at him.

I yanked the front door open and continued running. I don’t think I stopped until I was about half a mile away from the house.

I must have looked like a lunatic running in lingerie during the dark of the night. But I had to do it.

I stopped with my hands on my knees as I began to catch my breath.

It all seemed like I was going to die only moments prior. I could not understand what had just happened.

 

I walked into a dark corner and put my clothes on. I needed to get home.

I picked up my phone to call Ms. Lecia.

The phone rang a few times and then she answered.

“Ms. Lecia… Ms. Lecia”

I said as I tried to contain myself.

“His wife walked in!”

She paused for a second as she sounded like she was waking up and then she said,

“Did she see you?”

She didn’t ask if I was okay. Her asking me if she saw me did not register initially. But then I put it together later.

“No I don’t think she saw my face”

I replied now feeling somewhat irritated.

“That’s good”

“Can you please come and pick me up? I’m uptown”

I asked her. She again went silent and then said,

“Did he pay you?”

The expression on my face changed as I said

“No…. I ran out remember before we did anything”

She wasn’t silent this time as she said,

“You know the rules Jade. You have to make your allotted amount on the night you’re given a client. I can’t come and pick you up unless you have full payment ready”

I hung up.

I didn’t even let her finish. I was so angry.

How could she?!

After all the money I had made for her!

I was furious but I also knew what going up against her meant. I had seen another girl shipped to Utah because she disagreed with Ms. Lecia over what school she should attend. Now with her money?

Who knew what lengths she would go to.

I picked up my bag and knew I had to head downtown.

International Blvd was my stop. My heart had dropped. I was in shock.

 

.         .         .         .         .        .

Kneva Know by Iman Europe

 

11:28pm.

I certainly didn’t feel like I belonged here. Trust me when I say I knew I wasn’t right or righteous enough to even attempt to judge anyone but I was not a streetwalker.

The cold was harsh. I could feel my nipples harden like frozen grapes.

It was dark as I approached the corner of the street.

There were some other girls gathered there. I just kept my composure as I entered their territory.

I did not want to be targeted or cause any sort of trouble. After all, I didn’t know how this night was going to go and if I was going to make any money.

The kind of money I was expected to bring home from the initial job was 20 times more than what I would have made on the streets in one night but I still had try.

My plan was to find the best looking car and take them for all they had.

Ms.Lecia had enforced that all the girls in the home took a self defense course on Saturday every year to sharpen our skills but we were also instructed to carry a pocket knife and some pepper spray.

 

The street light wasn’t too bright.

Enough to obscure faces from people looking from afar. Police or otherwise.

Customers had to come close enough to see the “merchandise” they were going to be paying for. It was so cold.

I kept trying to distract myself from the cold but I couldn’t help but notice how scantly dressed the other girls were and they didn’t seem cold at all.

I was wearing a pencil skirt that stopped right above my knees but I still felt sexy enough. I had managed to stay fit all through that summer. And for the work I did, it was a plus if everything was firm and perky.

 

There I was trying to convince myself that this was a good idea. I had considered just returning home and giving Ms.Lecia some of the money I had stashed inside my mattress.

But that money was important to me. It was for rainy days or for the day I eventually summoned courage. How glad would I be that I stayed on the streets that night.

One car pulled up and a girl got in without saying a word and I panicked for a second.

“What if he hurt her?”

I thought to myself as one of the other ladies walked up to me and stood right beside me. She looked a bit older. I guessed maybe a couple of years or more.

She scanned me from top to bottom before she inched closer and spoke in a low tone,

 

“You need to loosen up and act like you’ve done this before. If not, these girls will eat you alive”

I looked at her with surprise written across my face. She smiled and nodded,

“How did you know? That it’s my first time that is”

I was able to muster.

She looked straight ahead and smiled and then turned towards me and said,

“Because you look just like I did on my first night out here. Young and terrified. You’ll be fine. Just breathe and be yourself”

 

She patted me on my back and less than a minute later, a car pulled up and she hopped in. I just stood there.

One after the other, the number of girls decreased.

Soon enough it was just two of us left. I was standing closer to the curb as I looked at the time; it was a few minutes after midnight.

I was beginning to think that I was going to strike out for the night when a Grey sedan parked right in front of me. The car was shiny and I heaved a sigh of relief as I felt I would finally make something of the night.

Not meeting Ms.Lecia’s demands was a terrifying prospect and so I was going to do everything to make sure I got all the money.

I straightened my shirt and walked towards the car.

The windows were tinted.

I reached for the door handle and pulled it open.

There was a very inviting scent that hit me as the lights in the car went on. Somehow the scent set off this calming feeling in me. The passenger side on first glance looked clean.

I sat down and turned to greet the person. The inner lights in the car hadn’t gone off as I turned and looked at him.

The man I saw stunned me and I must have done the same as his mouth was wide open. I never esperred it but I did not realize when I blurted out,

 

“Pastor?!!”

 

There were no other words needed.

 

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Fallen Heights 2

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 ⟹ ⟹ ⟹ PRESS PLAY HERE BEFORE READING

Alright by Jordan Rakei

 

9:21am

My alarm was just on another round of tormenting me when I slowly turned over and looked at it. I almost wanted to throw it across the side of the room. I slid my finger across the screen and the sound stopped. I lay there on my back looking up to the ceiling.

I could feel myself tired like I was examining my body from the outside.
I just didn’t want to get up.

I could feel the minutes pass me by as I continued to stare into open space and then I suddenly got wind within me and I turned over. I sat up and reached for my phone.

I browsed my Snapchat, Twitter and a couple of email updates; the usual as I caught up with the world. Many of you can totally relate to that.

 

I placed my phone next to me and reached for my Macbook sitting to my right side. I picked it up and opened it, the bright screen flooding my eyes as they adjusted to the sudden change in the setting.

The login was quick and I was soon editing a paper that was due at noon but I was scheduled to be in class at that time. I had procrastinated badly and here I was a few hours to the deadline just trying to complete it. I began typing away as I occasionally stopped to edit a thing or two. There was something about waiting till the last minute to do work that usually got me going. It seemed like I was smarter then and suddenly more efficient.

I had tried various ways to stop procrastinating and I’ve still been searching for the medication or healing to cure the disease. Unfortunately, nothing had been successful so far.

About twenty minutes later I was wrapping up the paper and uploading it to the online platform for the class. I sat up right on the side of the bed and looked at my clothes in the closet. I stood up and then headed out my room and down the stairs.

The halls were quiet as majority of the other people in the home were off to handle their various responsibilities. I arrived at the kitchen, my favorite place in the house and pulled open the refrigerator. I bent down to get a closer look. It wasn’t there.

I bent down and looked closer.

It really wasn’t there.

I hissed as I slammed the door shut. I hated that.

I hated when people just couldn’t bring themselves to respect the items and space of others. The leftover bowl of curry chicken and stir fry I had placed in there was gone. One of my foster brothers or sisters must have taken it. I had even marked the container with my name warning people not to touch it. Such uselessness I thought to myself. I considered looking for something else to eat but then I glanced up at the wall clock and realized I was now running late.

9:52am.

I had class at 10:15am.

Come on Jade!

.       .         .         .       .

 

10:15am – 11:30am

Waste of my time in life.

I just fought through the Business Planning and Analysis class.

I fought hard.

To give a crap about everything he was saying and to stay awake. There was something about certain older professors. They loved to talk!

This particular one just could not hold himself. He seemed to me like one of those close to retirement whose wives didn’t listen to him anymore at home. So he would come to class and just continue to go off the topic of lecture and just yap away.

I actually felt sorry for him but not on days like today. I was tired but this was my final year. Every class was important.

I sipped from my cup of coffee that I had picked up on my way to class.

They had messed up my order. It was meant to have no sugar in it. Straight black but upon arriving to pick it up, it had sugar and even milk. I was running late and I needed something to keep me up, so I managed it but I was quite pissed off.

I was just about to turn my phone over when everyone started getting up at the same time. Class was over.

I picked up my phone and grabbed my bag as I began to head out the door. There was an alert from my bank that came in as a message from Zoey arrived in my phone. I opened it up and it read. I was so tired I even had a typo in our conversation that just made me giggle

The science building was the newest building on campus. They had increased our tuition twice over the course of the last three years to accommodate the financial demands around the completion of the building.

It was a state of the art building decked out with solar panels and 3D screens for more advance technological needs in the classroom. It also simply had a sense of “newness” to it.
I felt somewhat slighted when I saw the schedule for the new semester which was my last and I noticed that none of my classes were scheduled to be in that building.

Oh well.

I was going to have to get my use of the building some other way.

The top floor of the building was expected to house the new science department and their offices, but there was some carpeting being done so nobody was actually visiting the floor. Trust Zoey to have figured that out. I wasn’t sure if it was the freak in her that caused her to locate the spot or the fact that she was on the school’s diversity group. Somehow, she had arrived at the fact that the place was open and available for use. The floor was quiet and empty that day and as reluctant as I was to go there, we had limited options.

We had been caught in the library once by a student who was gracious in keeping his mouth shut or maybe it was just the girl on girl action that left him speechless.

I walked into the restroom. I called out her name and I followed her response into the stall at the back.

No words were exchanged as she smiled and stared at me. There was a way her blues eyes invited mine. It was like I was floating on the open sea leaving behind the white sands of a Caribbean Island. Her lips were pink and full. Blooded with passion and warmth; so colorful her face reminded me of my Art history class as we discovered Ancient art and the wonders of color and finesse. I was left amazed as her lips touched my delicate skin and didn’t leave markings of their color. She was gentle.
Her brass seemed to only lay in her freakiness but her skill in making my body feel like her canvass as her tongue acted as a brush. She was an artist. I was the art.
And that was how she made me feel when she looked at me and when she touched me.
The heat in her breath blazing through her nostrils. Her breathing was short as she licked and continued to breathe through her open mouth.
They had installed a baby changing station in the bathroom and that was where I sat. She sat on the toilet seat with my pink staring her right in the face.
I was wet.
Really wet.
She seemed to effortlessly get me to the edge of my sexual bridge and then her works would push me over. She would obviously then dive in after me and drown herself in my wetness.
I cupped my breasts in my left hand as I held onto her head. She continued to smile as she feasted on my wet.
The way she ate me was like she was enjoying pomegranate seeds; bursting juices into her mouth with each lick. I couldn’t contain myself.
My moans were loud. Her breath heated up my lips.
Her lips caressed mine with such love. I was lost in her getting lost inside me. She pulled her fingers to the party and spread me open. There was a way she slid her fingers in; her index and middle fingers. Her thumb provided the outer support as it flickered over my throbbing clit.
I was close to yelling. The pleasure was too much. I was tired in my classes earlier but she was definitely waking me up. Waking up all the senses within me.
I couldn’t understand how she did it each time. My mind raced as I tried to catch my breath as her fingers spread into the depths of me.
Then she stopped.
She looked up to me and said,

“You’re going to spray all of your juices all over my fucking face”

I nodded sheepishly as she slid her fingers back inside of me. I swear I felt my spirit leave my body.
In that particular moment, I was hers. She was pumping and twisting her fingers inside me as my eyes rolled back. I didn’t even know it was coming, I just felt my hips buckle and lock. I was grabbing onto the rail as I was yelling out cuss words and spraying all over her face.
She didn’t move. It all just flooded her face and her hair.
Then she stood and walked to the front of the restroom and flicked on the light switch. She came back into the stall and had a smirk on her face while my legs continued to shake. I couldn’t understand my body but it all felt so good.
She came towards me and kissed me on my forehead and said,

“You better get dressed. You’re going to be late for class”

All I could think was,

“This bitch! You know I can’t walk right now”

I slowly stood up clutching the rail for dear life and began putting my clothes on. A few minutes later we walked out of there like nothing happened. She walked with me to my next class and said,

“See you later?”

I nodded, still at a loss for words.
I walked into my class wide awake and ready to learn. There’s nothing like a midday quickie to rejuvenate you. Or in my case, to realign your insides.

My second class was actually more fun or engaging. I wasn’t exactly sure why. Maybe it was because it was discussion style or the professor clearly wanted to get inside my pants. He was always looking at me. Smiling funny and wanting me to come to his office hours. Everyone has always wanted something from me but I was the one that had the least to give. At least I thought. Till I realized how much my body was worth to them.

This professor was actually young and good looking. To be very honest, I actually wanted to see what he could do to me on his office table. I was day dreaming and then I received Zoey’s text asking me to come and spend the night at her house.

I didn’t want to because I knew I had to “work” that night. I texted her back letting her know that I had therapy and choir practice. She knew it was true but she didn’t know that I had other “work” related things to do after.

.     .     .       .      .       .

One of the services I was receiving by being a foster child and ward of the court was individual therapy. Like many other kids in the system, I had gone through a few different ones. I actually liked the one I got to talk to now.

She was easy to talk to and one of the few that continued to work with kids after they aged out of the system. She wasn’t rigid. Extremely flexible and slowly she peeled back my stoic attitude. I was so closed off. Not wanting anyone to come into my head. I didn’t want to be exposed and seen as a failure or as the weak one.

When I got referred to her, I was about 17. I had just moved into a new foster home.
It had been a few weeks and I had not gotten a single hit of the drugs I was on. Marijuana and some polished version of Crystal Meth. I think the new environment didn’t actually trigger me like it would have done to others but it served to distract me. I didn’t realize I hadn’t done any drugs for three weeks. The trigger was that I had stumbled on the email sent out by my current foster mother at the time, complaining about me and how she was not sure that she could handle me. I felt my heart sink so far into the depths of darkness.

So that evening, I went out and stayed out late. I got so high; I passed out on the park bench with a friend. The police were called.

Since I was a ward of the court, they reviewed my case and mandated me to therapy and I have continued ever since.

……

STOP!!!! YOU SEE THAT SMILE ON YOUR FACE RIGHT NOW. PRESERVE IT O. YOU BETTER PLAN TO COMMENT AT THE END OF THIS STORY OR ELSE. Idk what will happen o!

 ……

Lay Me Down by Sam Smith

 I walked into the room and placed my bag to my right as I placed both hands on my lap.

I looked up to my therapist. She smiled and said,

“How are you doing, Jade?”

I smiled back and said,

“I’m okay. Yourself?”

“Good good”

She replied before she started asking me certain questions.

“How’s your mood been lately? Felt any urges or triggers?”

She was asking about me relapsing. I had been clean for 8 months. Many times people had asked me for my motivation for staying clean but I never told them. It was because of my sister.

She was smart and on track to graduate from high school a year and half early. She had colleges lined up for her and even though we never grew up together because my mom gave her up once she was born because she had me, she and I stayed close for the past two years.

I didn’t have many things in my life but I had her and I wanted to make her proud to have an older sister like me.

So I stayed away from the drugs and focused more on school. I wanted to give her something to live up to.

“No I haven’t”

I replied barely smiling.

She nodded and wrote something down as she asked,

“What about Ms Lecia and the home? You barely talk about them”

She was right.

I always kept Ms Lecia and everyone else in the home out of my business and theirs private. For some reason, it just made my life feel compartmentalized but I guess that’s why today, I was shocked when I started to want to talk. And there I was telling her my full story of how I got to Ms Lecia. I started out saying,

“Ms Lecia and I found each other and she was there when no one would take me. I was at court shortly before my 18^th birthday and it was a review to talk about what would happen to me once my birthday came. I would age out of the system, be too old for certain services and I would have to reapply under something else. I was nervous. I really was.

No other places wanted to take me.

I had given up home and began to wonder if they were going to send me off to some far away state where I would be completely forgotten. And then it happened.

Ms Lecia spoke.

Everyone in the room was quite shocked because although she primarily took girls into her foster home, they were mostly always younger than my age. I felt a sense of relief once she said that.

It felt like an unexpected lifeline.

And a few days later, I was living with Ms Lecia in the current place we live in. Not much has changed since the first few nights when I moved in except that my room has moved upstairs, Ms Lecia beat breast cancer and her prostitution ring in the community is booming.

It was gradual and very slow. Nothing was forced on me. The walk into the world of prostitution was extremely controlled by Ms Lecia.

About a month into living with her, she came into my room in the dead of the night. I was still sharing my room downstairs then with a girl named Nicole. Ms Lecia sat on my bed and gently woke me up. I wondered if I had done something wrong because it was usually in the dead of the night she would ambush one of us if we had failed at something. She placed her finger over her lip, motioning to me to stay calm and quiet. Then she began her speech. The speech was about how I had potential and I was beautiful and all I needed to do was spend a few hours with certain men she hand picks and they are safe but they need company. There was no mention of money involved or sex but it has been almost 4 years and there have been a lot of men, money and sex.

There was something about the way she talked to me. She knew that in my heart I knew that after her, I had no other place to go. That reality alone drove fear into me and made me follow all her rules. She was the Queen of confidentiality. Her motto was that unless there was a gun to your head and the trigger just got pulled, NEVER SELL OUT THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE.

That line has always held true for me. Never would I snitch on someone I cared about and I had gotten in trouble many times for it. Even with Ms Lecia.

When Ms Lecia was done with her talk that night, she patted my head and told me to go to sleep. I couldn’t imagine how I was going to sleep after that. I was young but I was old enough to know what she had asked me to do.

I lay there wondering how to feel about it and then Nicole from her bed said,

“It’s not as scary as you think; many of the men are really really nice”

And she was right. Many of them are but I’m starting to want more for myself, for my sister, I’m starting to want a future. I want to be more than a foster kid. More than a project for the state. More than a pay check to a foster mother. I want more.”

I looked up at my therapist. She had this stunned look on her face.

She could not believe all that I had just told her. She soon noticed that she had her mouth ajar and was not speaking. She closed her mouth, swallowed hard and then said,

“Ummm… Jade, you have shared a lot today. Some of which is somewhat disturbing to hear as a professional. How are you feeling?”

I scanned her from top to bottom twice and then I said with a smirk on my face,

 “You remember that privacy release you signed right and how everything in here is confidential?”

She nodded and then I picked up my bag and began to head for the door. I stopped, turned around and said,

“Thank you”

She said,

“Wait Jade, I just have to ask. With all that you have told me, are you going to be safe? Any chance you might want to harm yourself or others? I have to ask.”

I looked at her said,

“Even if I did, why would I tell you?”

And I walked out the door.

I was confident that I was rude in my response to her but I felt a huge weight off my shoulders. I had let go of a lot of the things I held in. I guess it was because I knew I would soon end it all. I had to leave my heart the lightest it could be.

 

.       .       .       .       .       .

Talking to her was better than any high and made me feel needed more than being with any man. My younger sister Julie was truly everything to me.

“Did you turn in the other applications yet?”

I asked her.

“Not yet sis. I’m still waiting for GPA verification form from the school office and then I can send it because they’ll need it for the scholarship application”

She responded trying eagerly to explain to me before I went off on her.

“Okay just make sure you get it in by Monday or Tuesday. How is everything else going?”

She didn’t immediately respond.

“Julie!”

I called out to her.

“Yes sis. Sorry I’m reading something”

She responded.

“Read it after, you know I’m late and I’m out here talking to you”

 “Sorry sis. I just need the money for the college tour and my prom dress and that’s it”

I smiled.

My sister was actually going off to a proper university and prom? She was going to prom!

I couldn’t have felt any happier and even though she was in a different state, I was going to make every effort to be there.

“Okay, I’ll send the money to your account once we get off the phone. Make sure you send me pictures of all the dresses you want to pick from so I can help you choose and also make sure you grab full admission packets from every school you go to. Okay?”

I could hear her smile over the phone at my over protectiveness.

“Yes mother. I will do as you have asked”

She mocked me as I smiled back and said.

“Alright beautiful. Make sure you continue to be good. Say hi to Sandra and her husband for me. Remember, you can do anything you put your mind to and you are beautiful inside and out. Never let anyone tell you different”

We exchanged goodbyes I ended the call.

8:04pm Friday night.

I walked into the building and walked between the rows of chairs towards my seat in the back as I sat down.

I couldn’t stop smiling at the conversation I just had with my sister. She always brought a smile to my face. I was so thankful I had her in my life and thankful that she was well adjusted and living a fairly normal life.

I received a text from Ms Lecia. My directions to my next “assignment”.

 

 I stared at the phone in disgust. I wanted to quit so badly but where would I go? I didn’t have enough money saved up yet. I took a deep breath in and then I heard Daryll the pastor’s son and choir leader say my name over the microphone. He was walking towards me and then he stopped right in front of me. He looked down at the microphone and turned it off.

He said,

“Hey Jade, thanks for finally showing up. I’ve been covering for you for the last 45 minutes. Did you forget that you’re leading the song with John on Sunday?”

I looked down and then back at him.

“Crap! I’m sorry. I didn’t forget. I was just taking care of some family stuff.”

“It’s cool. At least you’re here now”

He said and continued,

“So are you ready to do this?”

He looked at me. I said nothing.

I looked down at the phone and the message from Ms Lecia still on the screen. I looked back at him and then to the rest of the choir up on the stage.

I turned to him and he had the microphone stretched out towards me. I collected it from him and replied Ms Lecia.

My voice shortly after belted out the speakers. Did you just judge me?

Haven’t you seen many sinners in church lifting holy hands on Sunday after club nights?
Yeah, my thoughts exactly.

 

 

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