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Such A Baby Boy

Such A Baby Boy

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Hope by Jordan Rakei

It’s 4:58am and I just finished reading what most guys would consider that dreaded “essay” text from someone I actually care about.

In that message, I referred to a thought that I shared last week.

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I rolled around for a bit and then visited this document. I have treated it as a living document, occasionally returning to add and remove things as I have processed my thoughts.

Sometimes you recognize that sharing your thoughts verbally can take value away from what you’re trying to communicate. So I write.

This is a personal documentation of thoughts and feelings unique to me and might be relatable to some but it is never written as an absolute.

I was accused of being selfish for not opening myself to a “relationship”, and I obviously said “What The Heck Man”

Enter Game Changers

Savagery is on another level now.

There was once a time. A time when if a relationship failed or was broken, everyone would automatically default to it being the man’s fault.

Today, there are mercenaries that move around taking anything within their sights.

Women.

Daughters of Jezebel are now regulars in various households.

Behind those inviting smiles and soothing eyes, you will now find deadly “secarios”.

I was out of the country having a conversation with a friend of mine.

In case you were wondering, we were talking about women and I mentioned the wave of recent engagements between the people that I knew.

I was going down the list when I mentioned a name that changed the course of the entire conversation.

The girl in question had just been proposed to by a guy I know very well. His bride to be?

Well she was the star of the new show,

“How To Get Away With Cheating on Your Fiancé”.

Apparently, the girl and my friend have been “involved” with each other for a few years. Occasionally meeting up and “working out” together whenever she was in town.

Get this, her relationship was 2years old. Her engagement was in October.

This conversation between my friend and I took place in December. Their last “workout” you ask?

Well that happened two weeks after the conversation I’m telling you about.

Some people don’t even fear God sha.

Now I know as a woman or even as a man, you’re probably sitting there and saying these exact words

“Not everyone is like that”

On one hand, I agree.

But I also disagree.

I have always said that not everyone is “bad” but I am a strong believer that if you alter the situation, you can influence people into doing “very very bad things”.

Trust seems to be a lost concept to a lot of people.

And trust should be one of the cornerstones a relationship should be built upon.

Family ties

Everyone has those uncles. The “overly strict” one that thinks he is your father.

The “pervy” one that asks you to hook him up with your friends.

This uncle probably has a kid or two out of wedlock and is known as the womanizer of the family.

The “charmer”. He is the one your mom loves dearly and wishes your dad could be more like but she’ll never admit.

Fortunately and unfortunately for me, I have and had uncles like all those I listed.

A fusion of all those personality types.

The older I’ve gotten, I have become more aware of the influence of family on the man I am.

So carefully and closely examined all the men in my family. Dad’s side and mom’s also.

None of the men on both sides were married only once.

And some even had kids out of wedlock.

No judgments passed on any of them but it struck me.

I started to think “what if, as a family we have a hold that needs to be broken”

This contributes to my panic. Even my father was unable to fight the bug.

So what makes me different?

Before you jump in and start calling that a cheap excuse, it’s only an excuse now but you if were the woman I was  divorcing.

So I actively pray about it and my steps are carefully selected.

I do not want to make the mistakes my fathers made. I want it to be my wife and I all the way.

So I need a woman who understands that my family is my reality and it is imperative that I change the narrative.

I will not fall. And I need someone willing to stand with me as I challenge God to make sure I am not just one Ikenne/Ofada man with a broken relationship.

So far, I’ve touched on two things unique to me but also somewhat detached from what you can argue to be my reality. So let’s get a bit more serious.

Christmas Night

You remember when you were still living at home.

Probably with a curfew from your parents and them annoyingly micromanaging your life and warning you of adult hood.

But you couldn’t wait till you got to adult hood. Just so you could get away from them.

Remember that?

Remember how you now hate paying bills and actually almost have the best time when you go back to visit said parents?

Remember that?

Ever wanted something so bad, you nagged your loved ones to get it for you. You truly want it. Begging, negotiating, praying or even as far as writing God or Santa a letter pleading your case.

Then you wake up on Christmas morning and there it is!

That thing you have wanted for so long!!!!

In your hands!

Hell yeah!

As you open it, you realize that it’s not that great. It’s too small, too big, not flashy enough, not what you wished you rolled your one time offer from your parents on.

It’s just not it!

Remember that?

Well me neither, what was Christmas in house?

Abeg jare.

The point I want to convey in all that though is that you can sometimes want something so much that you lose the excitement for it when it gets into your hands.

EVERYONE and their choir leader wants a relationship but not everyone needs one.

Today, you find 21yr olds tweeting about relationships while 26yr olds are retweeting and hoping for the same.

The 30yr old is knowledgeably watching and hoping.

But for most people, the relationship happens and fails quickly because it is what they “want” and not what they need.

I spoke in detail a few weeks ago about “Needs vs. Wants vs. Availability”. Check it out.

My point is this, it is such a craze now.

Everyone wants one. Like an iPhone and so you don’t feel special in having yours.

There is so much more that needs to go into the human capital side of things.

Strengths, dreams and qualities that need to be built and worked on.

Like build yourself to be the best version of you before you have to become a builder of someone else.

Many people today run into relationships to hide the work they need to do.

Stay within you and grow within yourself.

You cannot build a sky scrapper from the top.

And the elevator that makes the ride from top to bottom, touching all floors of the building, is often put in last.

I truly wish that people would try to negate the public influence and perception while focusing on themselves.

The relationship will eventually come unless you’re a horrible person but even those ones get relationships, so just chill.

And make sure you’re ready when it comes around.

Game Time

In the game of soccer, you can be watching a 33yr old heading towards his decline as a professional athlete and on the same pitch, a 19yr old making his debut.

Even though the 19yr old has speed and strength, you will continue to hear the commentator refer to this thing called experience when discussing the 33yr old.

You cannot put a physical value on experience.

Experience is the best teacher they say but I don’t entirely agree. Sometimes being close enough to someone else’s experience is the best learning opportunity.

Some people have been doing this relationship thing since they were 16. Ten plus years in the dating game and everything is still not figured out.

And yes, things get better along the way but how are your experiences making you a better partner?

Are you just going through the motions and not immersing yourself in the process? Such that your body may be weak but your mind/heart is seasoned and well aware of what it needs?

“Bad Cake Day”

I appreciate the opportunity to reflect on my decisions.

I thank God that I am able to sit back and own my stuff but also hold myself accountable.

I am often told that I beat myself up way more than I need to but it’s just the way I am.

My last relationship left a sour taste in my mouth.

I read something about karma the other day and I couldn’t help but feel like the “punishment” that was my last relationship, was karma visiting me.

It was here to collect on all my mistakes with interest and it cleaned me out.

I once heard that a guy can break ten hearts and continue gliding through life but the moment his heart is broken once by one he loves, he’s lost to the world.

That may be me.

I am sure I was served a slice of cake that I have force-fed someone before and it fucked me up. Only difference now is this, I’m not out to collect hearts, I just don’t want to be invited to that table anymore.

Somehow that perspective makes me a horrible person of some sorts.

I have broken a heart or two and maybe my last relationship was “payback” but it certainly taught me that a lot of work needed to go into me.

I needed to invest so much more into my human capital before trying to cash out on the ultimate relationship with someone.

Selfish. Coward. Fearful.
Those are some of the terms that have been used to address me in light of my decision to tread lightly.

“I’m not your ex” is the classic line I get.

Yes, they are often right. But here is how I rationalize it.

If a spider bites you, do you run from all spiders from then on?

Exactly.

“The Man, The Relationship”

“It doesn’t have to be perfect”

“have you ever considered that you’re perfect for me”

“all I need is you and I working at it and I’m fine with that”

I often find that some women have this belief that as long as you’re with them, you automatically alleviate some of the personal problems/issues you had before.

My working on myself and growing with you are not parallel with each other.

It is believed that your holding out either signals a lack of ambition with regards to being with her or just avoidance.

But I have come to a place where I hold true to my values and I will not be swayed by someone’s expectations of me.

I am the only one that knows when I am punching at 50% and that may be appealing to you but I know there is so much more to me.

And I want to do what it takes to unlock the rest of who I can be. So you as a woman, may be comfortable with my 50 but I am not comfortable giving just that.

I need to be the best of me.

And no I don’t think the best of me comes from being with someone. Relationships are hard work.

Not horrible but taxing and if you are not at the top of your game, you will lose out.

And then who gets hurt?

Take Volkswagen for example.

The put an “average” product out in the market and people swarmed it. Down the road, a recall had to be made costing the company billions and the CEO his job.

The product was good enough but it wasn’t the best it could be.

Most women today, in my opinion, do not focus on the man.

The idea of the man is good enough for them. As long as he fits the bill for what I need, I’m okay.

Well the issue with that love is that people evolve and my 50% that was more than good enough for you in year one, may not be good enough in year 3 and then what?

I Need God, I Want You

 I am a firm believer.

Let me stop there.

Okay one step further. I am a firm believer that God should be present in all your endeavors.

Now I know I fall short and sometimes blatantly ignore his teachings and warnings but I know that this love thing will not be possible if he’s not involved in it.

Learning about him and how he wants us to love influences my day to day.

Like loving someone unconditionally, understanding patience, forgiveness and so on…

The biggest truth though is this, everyone should have a man deeply rooted in his core values, enough that if the wind of change rages with life’s struggles, his foot will not be moved.

A man that is God fearing but also has a stronger relationship with God than the one he has or is building with you.

Many want the man but they should be seeking a man who seeks the “other man”.

Find a man that knows God.

Not knows about him but knows him.

This is the part that I think many falter at. The planning phase is now.

Strip everything to the bare bones and build now.

Treat it like a care bear and build your bear.

I’m not saying have crazy expectations like expecting me to have more than the one pack I have right now.

Or be able to bench press you.

I’m saying let his heart be pure.

Let him truly know God. Support that process from a place of love.

Both of you seeking God together only has upsides.

If it is meant to be, he will help solidify it.

And if not, you will both still have an understanding of God and what he wants for both of you.

You know what’s funny, a solid relationship with God soothes most of the worries of all the points I made above.

So you see why this last point is the most essential?

Life will ultimately test you two and a man, who doesn’t know to run to God, will run away and ultimately away from you.
This is where I stop. I’m open a dialogue and feedback.
Let’s chat. Leave a comment below.

It’s now 6:37am.
Time for sleep. There will be reactions to this but for now, let me go and find sleep.
Who knows, I might wake up to another “essay”.

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It’s my Words on a Wednesday. #WordsOfWednesday on #WhatTheHeckMan.

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10 thoughts on “Such A Baby Boy

  1. I have read this a couple of times now . Wow , firstly thank you for such an honest and open piece . It’s becoming rare to find people that actually value relationships and more importantly the sanctity of marriage. With all the stories you hear today , it’s hard to not be jaded . I have heard stories of friends of mine , that have left me in shock.
    I say to my friends getting a relationship is easy , super easy . However being in one of substance , that actually grows you .. That is very rare and hard to find .
    No one deserves to give 50% of themself or receive 50 % of an individual .. Why limit yourself to just an appetiser , when you are worthy of the appetiser , main course , desert and the Dom Perigon wine . You should be the best version of you when you enter a relationship. Two whole people . Often we enter in to relationship broken in the hope it will make us whole . All this does is just break us down even further . I’m guilty of rushing things or not fully understanding why certain things , haven’t occurred at the pace I wanted them to . But then I realised recently I still have so much growing to do , goals I want to achieve , places I want to travel to and most importantly the urge to break certain cycles .
    God is and should be the centre of everything and I agree it will help with the fears . Pastor Toure Roberts preaches a phenomenal sermon titled ” Back To Love ” it’s on YouTube and teaches on the importance of understanding God ‘s Love , not only for yourself but also on how to love others .
    Thanks for being open and getting us thinking as usual .

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  2. Reading this has prompted me to ask and answer a couple of questions within myself. You have this ability to create a connection to your readers in which every situation after being evaluated can be related to something in our personal lives. Mine at least. But thank you. Really, thank you Sanmi. You put a little of yourself out here for us and for me that does make this blog near and dear to my heart.

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  3. I have read this for the third time and would consign with the top 2 comments,also adding a bit of mine.I just want to say and keep saying you have a gift,thank you for sharing it with us your readers.
    I must say all you noted is so true!and spot on word for word. Today we rarely find our peers in honest and genuine relationships,most go into it because they believe it’s of essence or a status quo thing which is not really the answer nor solution and ends up confusing a lot of things that lead to so much hurt &unforgivness.
    Speaking of being a better person I always hope and pray most people realize that it is very important to try to revaulate themselves often to know how much positive growth they have done or if not what to improve on.

    Liked by 1 person

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