Deeper by Marvin Sapp This is my favorite song of all time.
I AM NOT A PREACHER. JUST A SINNER WITH A MESSAGE TO DELIVER
Ladies and Gentlemen, I would like to start by apologizing for my disappearance these past few weeks. A lot has happened. For some, being religious might just be in the actual physical steps of going into a church weekly but for some like me, it involves so much more.
This past week, I got arrested. Calm down. My soul did.
I felt physical heartbreak from a situation but what it caused me to do was turn back to God. I was like a vegetable in hands. Weak.
I usually have my life planned out and mapped the way I would things to go but it was then he clearly showed me that I was nothing without him.
I had become a colossal asshole.
Continue reading so you can gain some perspective into the man I became.
You see, I was never the one to buck to peer pressure or give into the neediness and frivolities of this world but I became vain. Extremely vain.
The humbling things that brought me joy like God, family, love, selflessness and such all deserted me. Numbers consumed me.
The number of likes, comments, views, zeros in my paycheck. I became detached from what was true and what was real.
Relationships I severed. Two really important ones to be exact. One with my best friend and the other with the love of my life. In actual fact they are the same person.
If you are reading this right now, this is not an attempt to win you back. Nor do I hope it influences whatever decisions you have to make.
Truth be told, I forgot my duties, as a friend, lover, brother and just as a man. And I forgot God. Look, with that, my talents that used to be the source of joy for the people I loved became the effector of pain and sadness. The hurtful things I said to the people I loved. If I am ever forgiven or given the chance to start afresh with them, it will be God’s blessings.
I am of the opinion that there is no middle ground in the realm of spirituality. You encamp on one side or another. I could see as the devil would strike right when I would attempt to do right.
I so badly wanted to leave the depression that struck me earlier this year and almost caused me to commit suicide. But I wasn’t consulting God.
And in return, I drifted farther and farther away from him and deeper into the black hole.
Like I said before, I am almost sure I have lost the woman I love to “this stage” of my life. But you never know, right?
I sat there in my room night after night without sleep as he wrestled back control of my life. He knew I had a purpose and he was not going to let me waste it. I began to cry each night with NO ONE TO LET IN.
I couldn’t open my mouth to express the hurt but all I could do was lay there and let him continue to take me back.
I wandered off high on my horse and filled with pride but he dragged me back on my knees as I begged for mercy.
Hurt people hurt people. And I tried to deal with hurt by pretending to not be hurt and then hurting people more. It took tears and seeing the scars in their hearts to realize how badly I had bruised them.
When the devil through his tools in life sets his eyes on you, there is something he wants to take away. And so with me trying to go back to doing and living right and being a new man, he struck again.
I can almost always tell that whenever he strikes, it is either because something good is almost there or it’s on its way. As I write this to you, #WhatTheHeckMan got it’s first serious offer towards putting my book in your hands and you know what happened shortly after, I was filled with extreme sadness from a conversation I had after.
Point is, whenever he has a purpose for you, the devil is always trying to derail it. You have to be sensitive to that.
Ladies and Gentlemen, what have I been trying to say? Don’t let life turn you away from what is real and your true purpose. I fell.
Don’t fall too. I hurt and I hurt people. Don’t let yourself get to that point. I can write you all the poems and all the words but the truth is, this is what matters. THE REAL YOU.
Stay connected to what is true. Love hard. Forgive easy.
If you’re hurting right now, pray for peace and cling on to him and not man. Because man will cheat or lie or steal your plantain but God in my humble opinion never fails.
Today, I have heart desires and my eyes are filled with tears because I realized that the hurt I have caused has made it impossible for me to even try to repair certain situations. All I can do is pray and hope that God comes through.
Stay true to you.
2014 has been a difficult year for me and one of the only high points is that I was able to reach and get to know most of you.
This year, I attempted taking my own life, I lost the love of my life. I lost family and friends, I lost the naivety and carelessness of a young and energized me. BUT today, I am thankful for new hope. And here, I am thankful for him counting me worthy again. For being faithful, even when I was faithless and unfaithful.
GOD: I am thankful to you for everything. Every breath, every word, every pain, everyday. Everything. I am thankful because you never gave up on me. Even others did and I gave up on myself.
Mummy and Daddy, I am thankful to you both for being God fearing people and teaching me the way of the Lord and all you kind words and help in fighting for the things I love. I will never stop being thankful and appreciating you both. You are the best.
K, P & F: thank you for being the best siblings anyone could ask for. You have held me down and made me proud to be your older brother.
F.M.S: I am thankful because you never gave up on me even after all life has put us through. You were there when I was a nobody and you have never left my side. I can never repay you.
Adekemi: thank you for loving me and always doing your best to love me. I wish we had more but who knows what God has in store? You are a unique woman and I truly adore you.
Ore, Toyin, Tosin, Toye, Adewunmi’s and Okunuga’s: Thank you for that which I cannot even explain. Thank you.
In no particular order of thankfulness or importance, thank you all.
Ifeanyi and Itafe, thank you for always reminding me to stay grounded. Best brothers out there.
Eche: thank you for the talks, concern and advice and for your loyalty. Always known I can count on you through everything. Thank you.
Simi: Editor in chief toh bad! Lol and support system. Our friendship has been unique from the start but your heart sets you apart. You are amazing. #WhatTheHeckMan is grateful to you.
Ninz: Where do I start? Thank you for being a God fearing woman. Your struggles have been a blessing to me because they have continued to remind me that God only tests his strongest cohorts. You are an amazing woman.
Nadia: thank you for inspiring my love for art and following my growth.
Sinmi: my one and only wife, thank you for the love always and your support. Our NBA children will be grateful.
Nnenna: you are like a weird sister that always wants the best for me. I am glad I have that. Thank you for all the advice and love. I appreciate it.
Cady: my Congolese support. You are so much more than a friend. Thank you
A.N: thank you for being a great friend and even when I didn’t appreciate you in my life, you gave your all. Thank you.
Ogbeni Kay: There is something about the calmness you exude and your drive to be great at what you do, infectious and inspirational. Thank you.
OluwaLiz, to have someone care about me so much without asking for anything in return reminds of how great people are and how awesome you are. Thank you.
Baddest, meeting you and coming this far has been like a blur. Tremendous love and respect for you.
Chichi: it’s only been a short while but you have been a great voice of calm and reason. I respect and I’m thankful for you and all your support.
Ut: My interesting person. Lol. Always whining sha but you are a geat addition to my life. A welcome smile.
O.R.O: Silently you have shown me so much. Nervously excited for more. I appreciate your inner beauty and resilience. You are a superstar.
Onyi and Ure: for differing reasons, the combination of you two is a blessing. Thank you for being you.
Vanessa and Abiton: thank you for allowing my words to be a blessing to you. I speak from my heart and I’m thankful it has some value.
Tonye: I somehow always know that there is something great coming for you. Idk I just always feel but you never stop being there for me in your own way. Thank you.
Feddy9ja: always bothering me about plantain. It always brings a smile to my face,
Oyinda: getting to know you has been great and your drive each day leaves me amazed. I am thankful that you know what your purpose is.
Lucy: you are by far the most independent and hardworking young lady I have seen in some years. And your heart is so kind. Only hoping for more to explore.
Chy: My day one supporter. Without you, I might still be here but with you, I am thankful God has placed your support in my life.
To all those who I have lost this year, the vultures that have stolen from me or are currently trying to, thank you. Secretly laughing in my face and plotting my pain, God is watching you in 3D.
God never forgets and he’s fighting on my behalf. Believe that. You are part of what will be a great story for me.
#WhatTheHeckMan Family: Ayesha, Ms Dami, Bruce Bane, Eldvyn, OBB, Lamide, Kenny, Adaeze, Ife, Chi, Femi, Halle, Mercy, Omolola, Rinsola, Kayla, Baddest, Dara, Kike, Victor and EVERYONE else in the #WhatTheHeckMan crew, you have all given me a reason to write. A story to tell. You have all kept me going every week and pushed my creativity. Thank you for always being there and allowing me to flood your TL’s. I don’t deserve the support you give me but thank you for it all. Thank you for EVERY SINGLE COMMENT, they keep me going. Literally one of the greatest parts of my life.
And I hope you continue to share the word with your friends and foes.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I am a broken man. Thankful to God for everything but empty at the moment and looking to be filled up with his amazing love and newness. I hope the people I love can come on board with me but if not, I can respect it too.
I went in search of myself in 2012 and it took me two years to find myself at the ending of 2014. My journey has had ups and downs. It’s share of sad and depressing times. Days of sunlight and rays of hope. But I tried to do it all on my own.
Never lose sight of the real things and real people. Never forget God.
I want to thank God for sanity of mind because some have everything and no peace or sanity to enjoy it.
My name is Sanmi A. and I am the owner of the content on #WhatTheHeckMan. A brother, friend, lover, inspiration, mentor but most importantly; a new man.
Today I am thankful for all of you and everything you contribute to my life. Comment if you want but you know how much I love to hear from you.
Stay Up!
And know that I say this from the bottom of my heart, I LOVE YOU ALL.
My alarm was just on another round of tormenting me when I slowly turned over and looked at it. I almost wanted to throw it across the side of the room. I slid my finger across the screen and the sound stopped. I lay there on my back looking up to the ceiling.
I could feel myself tired like I was examining my body from the outside.
I just didn’t want to get up.
I could feel the minutes pass me by as I continued to stare into open space and then I suddenly got wind within me and I turned over. I sat up and reached for my phone.
I browsed my Snapchat, Twitter and a couple of email updates; the usual as I caught up with the world. Many of you can totally relate to that.
I placed my phone next to me and reached for my Macbook sitting to my right side. I picked it up and opened it, the bright screen flooding my eyes as they adjusted to the sudden change in the setting.
The login was quick and I was soon editing a paper that was due at noon but I was scheduled to be in class at that time. I had procrastinated badly and here I was a few hours to the deadline just trying to complete it. I began typing away as I occasionally stopped to edit a thing or two. There was something about waiting till the last minute to do work that usually got me going. It seemed like I was smarter then and suddenly more efficient.
I had tried various ways to stop procrastinating and I’ve still been searching for the medication or healing to cure the disease. Unfortunately, nothing had been successful so far.
About twenty minutes later I was wrapping up the paper and uploading it to the online platform for the class. I sat up right on the side of the bed and looked at my clothes in the closet. I stood up and then headed out my room and down the stairs.
The halls were quiet as majority of the other people in the home were off to handle their various responsibilities. I arrived at the kitchen, my favorite place in the house and pulled open the refrigerator. I bent down to get a closer look. It wasn’t there.
I bent down and looked closer.
It really wasn’t there.
I hissed as I slammed the door shut. I hated that.
I hated when people just couldn’t bring themselves to respect the items and space of others. The leftover bowl of curry chicken and stir fry I had placed in there was gone. One of my foster brothers or sisters must have taken it. I had even marked the container with my name warning people not to touch it. Such uselessness I thought to myself. I considered looking for something else to eat but then I glanced up at the wall clock and realized I was now running late.
9:52am.
I had class at 10:15am.
Come on Jade!
. . . . .
10:15am – 11:30am
Waste of my time in life.
I just fought through the Business Planning and Analysis class.
I fought hard.
To give a crap about everything he was saying and to stay awake. There was something about certain older professors. They loved to talk!
This particular one just could not hold himself. He seemed to me like one of those close to retirement whose wives didn’t listen to him anymore at home. So he would come to class and just continue to go off the topic of lecture and just yap away.
I actually felt sorry for him but not on days like today. I was tired but this was my final year. Every class was important.
I sipped from my cup of coffee that I had picked up on my way to class.
They had messed up my order. It was meant to have no sugar in it. Straight black but upon arriving to pick it up, it had sugar and even milk. I was running late and I needed something to keep me up, so I managed it but I was quite pissed off.
I was just about to turn my phone over when everyone started getting up at the same time. Class was over.
I picked up my phone and grabbed my bag as I began to head out the door. There was an alert from my bank that came in as a message from Zoey arrived in my phone. I opened it up and it read. I was so tired I even had a typo in our conversation that just made me giggle
The science building was the newest building on campus. They had increased our tuition twice over the course of the last three years to accommodate the financial demands around the completion of the building.
It was a state of the art building decked out with solar panels and 3D screens for more advance technological needs in the classroom. It also simply had a sense of “newness” to it.
I felt somewhat slighted when I saw the schedule for the new semester which was my last and I noticed that none of my classes were scheduled to be in that building.
Oh well.
I was going to have to get my use of the building some other way.
The top floor of the building was expected to house the new science department and their offices, but there was some carpeting being done so nobody was actually visiting the floor. Trust Zoey to have figured that out. I wasn’t sure if it was the freak in her that caused her to locate the spot or the fact that she was on the school’s diversity group. Somehow, she had arrived at the fact that the place was open and available for use. The floor was quiet and empty that day and as reluctant as I was to go there, we had limited options.
We had been caught in the library once by a student who was gracious in keeping his mouth shut or maybe it was just the girl on girl action that left him speechless.
I walked into the restroom. I called out her name and I followed her response into the stall at the back.
No words were exchanged as she smiled and stared at me. There was a way her blues eyes invited mine. It was like I was floating on the open sea leaving behind the white sands of a Caribbean Island. Her lips were pink and full. Blooded with passion and warmth; so colorful her face reminded me of my Art history class as we discovered Ancient art and the wonders of color and finesse. I was left amazed as her lips touched my delicate skin and didn’t leave markings of their color. She was gentle.
Her brass seemed to only lay in her freakiness but her skill in making my body feel like her canvass as her tongue acted as a brush. She was an artist. I was the art.
And that was how she made me feel when she looked at me and when she touched me.
The heat in her breath blazing through her nostrils. Her breathing was short as she licked and continued to breathe through her open mouth.
They had installed a baby changing station in the bathroom and that was where I sat. She sat on the toilet seat with my pink staring her right in the face.
I was wet.
Really wet.
She seemed to effortlessly get me to the edge of my sexual bridge and then her works would push me over. She would obviously then dive in after me and drown herself in my wetness.
I cupped my breasts in my left hand as I held onto her head. She continued to smile as she feasted on my wet.
The way she ate me was like she was enjoying pomegranate seeds; bursting juices into her mouth with each lick. I couldn’t contain myself.
My moans were loud. Her breath heated up my lips.
Her lips caressed mine with such love. I was lost in her getting lost inside me. She pulled her fingers to the party and spread me open. There was a way she slid her fingers in; her index and middle fingers. Her thumb provided the outer support as it flickered over my throbbing clit.
I was close to yelling. The pleasure was too much. I was tired in my classes earlier but she was definitely waking me up. Waking up all the senses within me.
I couldn’t understand how she did it each time. My mind raced as I tried to catch my breath as her fingers spread into the depths of me.
Then she stopped.
She looked up to me and said,
“You’re going to spray all of your juices all over my fucking face”
I nodded sheepishly as she slid her fingers back inside of me. I swear I felt my spirit leave my body.
In that particular moment, I was hers. She was pumping and twisting her fingers inside me as my eyes rolled back. I didn’t even know it was coming, I just felt my hips buckle and lock. I was grabbing onto the rail as I was yelling out cuss words and spraying all over her face.
She didn’t move. It all just flooded her face and her hair.
Then she stood and walked to the front of the restroom and flicked on the light switch. She came back into the stall and had a smirk on her face while my legs continued to shake. I couldn’t understand my body but it all felt so good.
She came towards me and kissed me on my forehead and said,
“You better get dressed. You’re going to be late for class”
All I could think was,
“This bitch! You know I can’t walk right now”
I slowly stood up clutching the rail for dear life and began putting my clothes on. A few minutes later we walked out of there like nothing happened. She walked with me to my next class and said,
“See you later?”
I nodded, still at a loss for words.
I walked into my class wide awake and ready to learn. There’s nothing like a midday quickie to rejuvenate you. Or in my case, to realign your insides.
My second class was actually more fun or engaging. I wasn’t exactly sure why. Maybe it was because it was discussion style or the professor clearly wanted to get inside my pants. He was always looking at me. Smiling funny and wanting me to come to his office hours. Everyone has always wanted something from me but I was the one that had the least to give. At least I thought. Till I realized how much my body was worth to them.
This professor was actually young and good looking. To be very honest, I actually wanted to see what he could do to me on his office table. I was day dreaming and then I received Zoey’s text asking me to come and spend the night at her house.
I didn’t want to because I knew I had to “work” that night. I texted her back letting her know that I had therapy and choir practice. She knew it was true but she didn’t know that I had other “work” related things to do after.
. . . . . .
One of the services I was receiving by being a foster child and ward of the court was individual therapy. Like many other kids in the system, I had gone through a few different ones. I actually liked the one I got to talk to now.
She was easy to talk to and one of the few that continued to work with kids after they aged out of the system. She wasn’t rigid. Extremely flexible and slowly she peeled back my stoic attitude. I was so closed off. Not wanting anyone to come into my head. I didn’t want to be exposed and seen as a failure or as the weak one.
When I got referred to her, I was about 17. I had just moved into a new foster home. It had been a few weeks and I had not gotten a single hit of the drugs I was on. Marijuana and some polished version of Crystal Meth. I think the new environment didn’t actually trigger me like it would have done to others but it served to distract me. I didn’t realize I hadn’t done any drugs for three weeks. The trigger was that I had stumbled on the email sent out by my current foster mother at the time, complaining about me and how she was not sure that she could handle me. I felt my heart sink so far into the depths of darkness.
So that evening, I went out and stayed out late. I got so high; I passed out on the park bench with a friend. The police were called.
Since I was a ward of the court, they reviewed my case and mandated me to therapy and I have continued ever since.
……
STOP!!!! YOU SEE THAT SMILE ON YOUR FACE RIGHT NOW. PRESERVE IT O. YOU BETTER PLAN TO COMMENT AT THE END OF THIS STORY OR ELSE. Idk what will happen o!
……
Lay Me Down by Sam Smith
I walked into the room and placed my bag to my right as I placed both hands on my lap.
I looked up to my therapist. She smiled and said,
“How are you doing, Jade?”
I smiled back and said,
“I’m okay. Yourself?”
“Good good”
She replied before she started asking me certain questions.
“How’s your mood been lately? Felt any urges or triggers?”
She was asking about me relapsing. I had been clean for 8 months. Many times people had asked me for my motivation for staying clean but I never told them. It was because of my sister.
She was smart and on track to graduate from high school a year and half early. She had colleges lined up for her and even though we never grew up together because my mom gave her up once she was born because she had me, she and I stayed close for the past two years.
I didn’t have many things in my life but I had her and I wanted to make her proud to have an older sister like me.
So I stayed away from the drugs and focused more on school. I wanted to give her something to live up to.
“No I haven’t”
I replied barely smiling.
She nodded and wrote something down as she asked,
“What about Ms Lecia and the home? You barely talk about them”
She was right.
I always kept Ms Lecia and everyone else in the home out of my business and theirs private. For some reason, it just made my life feel compartmentalized but I guess that’s why today, I was shocked when I started to want to talk. And there I was telling her my full story of how I got to Ms Lecia. I started out saying,
“Ms Lecia and I found each other and she was there when no one would take me. I was at court shortly before my 18th birthday and it was a review to talk about what would happen to me once my birthday came. I would age out of the system, be too old for certain services and I would have to reapply under something else. I was nervous. I really was.
No other places wanted to take me.
I had given up home and began to wonder if they were going to send me off to some far away state where I would be completely forgotten. And then it happened.
Ms Lecia spoke.
Everyone in the room was quite shocked because although she primarily took girls into her foster home, they were mostly always younger than my age. I felt a sense of relief once she said that.
It felt like an unexpected lifeline.
And a few days later, I was living with Ms Lecia in the current place we live in. Not much has changed since the first few nights when I moved in except that my room has moved upstairs, Ms Lecia beat breast cancer and her prostitution ring in the community is booming.
It was gradual and very slow. Nothing was forced on me. The walk into the world of prostitution was extremely controlled by Ms Lecia.
About a month into living with her, she came into my room in the dead of the night. I was still sharing my room downstairs then with a girl named Nicole. Ms Lecia sat on my bed and gently woke me up. I wondered if I had done something wrong because it was usually in the dead of the night she would ambush one of us if we had failed at something. She placed her finger over her lip, motioning to me to stay calm and quiet. Then she began her speech. The speech was about how I had potential and I was beautiful and all I needed to do was spend a few hours with certain men she hand picks and they are safe but they need company. There was no mention of money involved or sex but it has been almost 4 years and there have been a lot of men, money and sex.
There was something about the way she talked to me. She knew that in my heart I knew that after her, I had no other place to go. That reality alone drove fear into me and made me follow all her rules. She was the Queen of confidentiality. Her motto was that unless there was a gun to your head and the trigger just got pulled, NEVER SELL OUT THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE.
That line has always held true for me. Never would I snitch on someone I cared about and I had gotten in trouble many times for it. Even with Ms Lecia.
When Ms Lecia was done with her talk that night, she patted my head and told me to go to sleep. I couldn’t imagine how I was going to sleep after that. I was young but I was old enough to know what she had asked me to do.
I lay there wondering how to feel about it and then Nicole from her bed said,
“It’s not as scary as you think; many of the men are really really nice”
And she was right. Many of them are but I’m starting to want more for myself, for my sister, I’m starting to want a future. I want to be more than a foster kid. More than a project for the state. More than a pay check to a foster mother. I want more.”
I looked up at my therapist. She had this stunned look on her face.
She could not believe all that I had just told her. She soon noticed that she had her mouth ajar and was not speaking. She closed her mouth, swallowed hard and then said,
“Ummm… Jade, you have shared a lot today. Some of which is somewhat disturbing to hear as a professional. How are you feeling?”
I scanned her from top to bottom twice and then I said with a smirk on my face,
“You remember that privacy release you signed right and how everything in here is confidential?”
She nodded and then I picked up my bag and began to head for the door. I stopped, turned around and said,
“Thank you”
She said,
“Wait Jade, I just have to ask. With all that you have told me, are you going to be safe? Any chance you might want to harm yourself or others? I have to ask.”
I looked at her said,
“Even if I did, why would I tell you?”
And I walked out the door.
I was confident that I was rude in my response to her but I felt a huge weight off my shoulders. I had let go of a lot of the things I held in. I guess it was because I knew I would soon end it all. I had to leave my heart the lightest it could be.
. . . . . .
Talking to her was better than any high and made me feel needed more than being with any man. My younger sister Julie was truly everything to me.
“Did you turn in the other applications yet?”
I asked her.
“Not yet sis. I’m still waiting for GPA verification form from the school office and then I can send it because they’ll need it for the scholarship application”
She responded trying eagerly to explain to me before I went off on her.
“Okay just make sure you get it in by Monday or Tuesday. How is everything else going?”
She didn’t immediately respond.
“Julie!”
I called out to her.
“Yes sis. Sorry I’m reading something”
She responded.
“Read it after, you know I’m late and I’m out here talking to you”
“Sorry sis. I just need the money for the college tour and my prom dress and that’s it”
I smiled.
My sister was actually going off to a proper university and prom? She was going to prom!
I couldn’t have felt any happier and even though she was in a different state, I was going to make every effort to be there.
“Okay, I’ll send the money to your account once we get off the phone. Make sure you send me pictures of all the dresses you want to pick from so I can help you choose and also make sure you grab full admission packets from every school you go to. Okay?”
I could hear her smile over the phone at my over protectiveness.
“Yes mother. I will do as you have asked”
She mocked me as I smiled back and said.
“Alright beautiful. Make sure you continue to be good. Say hi to Sandra and her husband for me. Remember, you can do anything you put your mind to and you are beautiful inside and out. Never let anyone tell you different”
We exchanged goodbyes I ended the call.
8:04pm Friday night.
I walked into the building and walked between the rows of chairs towards my seat in the back as I sat down.
I couldn’t stop smiling at the conversation I just had with my sister. She always brought a smile to my face. I was so thankful I had her in my life and thankful that she was well adjusted and living a fairly normal life.
I received a text from Ms Lecia. My directions to my next “assignment”.
I stared at the phone in disgust. I wanted to quit so badly but where would I go? I didn’t have enough money saved up yet. I took a deep breath in and then I heard Daryll the pastor’s son and choir leader say my name over the microphone. He was walking towards me and then he stopped right in front of me. He looked down at the microphone and turned it off.
He said,
“Hey Jade, thanks for finally showing up. I’ve been covering for you for the last 45 minutes. Did you forget that you’re leading the song with John on Sunday?”
I looked down and then back at him.
“Crap! I’m sorry. I didn’t forget. I was just taking care of some family stuff.”
“It’s cool. At least you’re here now”
He said and continued,
“So are you ready to do this?”
He looked at me. I said nothing.
I looked down at the phone and the message from Ms Lecia still on the screen. I looked back at him and then to the rest of the choir up on the stage.
I turned to him and he had the microphone stretched out towards me. I collected it from him and replied Ms Lecia.
My voice shortly after belted out the speakers. Did you just judge me?
Haven’t you seen many sinners in church lifting holy hands on Sunday after club nights?
Yeah, my thoughts exactly.
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⟹ ⟹ ⟹ PLAY THE SONG AND THEN START READING
Jika by Mi Casa
It’s like a game
With no winners
We act like we ain’t all the same
Yet we all sinners
I don’t think I’m better than you
I know I’m more damaged than you
But I know I love you
That’s the only way to remind myself that I can love me
I hate everything
Everyone
We’re strangers on the same journey
I just want to get way
Not tell anyone where to
Be gone and recuperate
Work on appreciating life and people again
Eveyone and everything annoys me
I just need a break
Before I break
But I need to find peace
My happiness is at stake
Difficulty in Simplicity
Sigh.
Bliss.
Crunch.
Cheese.
Multigrain Crackers.
I have been munching on these for the better part of the afternoon asking myself the serious but confusing question “What The Heck Man?”
Basically pulling from the conversations and observations I have picked up in the last few months it became very clear to me that there is a certain difficulty in simplicity. Hold on, let me wipe my fingers and then follow me on this short journey so I can show you what I mean.
I have come to appreciate the view that as human being we are all innately selfish. Every single one of us; “ I don’t want kids” “I don’t want you” “I want you” “You must take this from me”. For whatever reason out there, we are all selfish. Now you just hope that along the way, you continue to run into more people that are selfish with good intentions. Kind of like, “I want to be rich so I can give back to the poor and not I want to be rich so I can stare at all my money”
Now let’s talk about HONESTY. What does that really mean in today’s age? Is it “Let me tell you what you need to hear alone?” or is it “regardless of how you feel, I will tell you everything”?
Sadly or brilliantly however you look at it, we have adopted the first part and accompanied it with “What you don’t know won’t kill you?”.
In speaking of honesty, I’m thinking about a guy. This guy has been dilly-dallying along by his lonesome. And then a woman shows up in his life. She says
“hey, I like you. I want you”.
As honestly as possible he responds by telling her
“look, I like you too but there are other people in my life that are currently with the same pitch you came with”
Right there, there are two options for the woman.
Option 1. SWERVE and forget him
Option 2: Ignore everything he said and remain determined to make him pick you.
This is the one picked by most women. And sadly, this option never ends well.
Then it graduates to SELLING DREAMS.
Here, she is telling you that whatever you have at the moment might be great but all she is here for is your genuine happiness. I just want you to be happy.
At this stage, she has feelings but the feelings are only for your wellbeing. The selfishness of wanting you only for her hasn’t kicked in yet. This happens when it becomes obvious that “YOUR OPTIONS” are quality people to compete with.
If a woman thinks another woman interested in you is not up to scratch, she will not pay her any mind but continue to do her. The moment she feels the attention is shared or the other girl(s) can actually take you from her. EVERYTHING CHANGES.
That you called her once every two days before now becomes a problem. She counts the hours when you’re tweeting instead of calling.
“How many times will you @ her?”
“Are you done talking to you women?”
The next thing you know. The arguments and fights she starts to pick come out of nowhere. Like traffic that comes out of nowhere; No accident no incident. Just random shit
“I told you that the bus was late and you didn’t even say anything”
You’re sitting there clutching your head like What The Heck Man?! Look you catch along fast. Anyways as carefully and spiritually vigilant as possible you navigate through it all. You finally decide in your mind that this is the woman I want to be with.
“I am ready”
Omo the moment you do that, it all changes again.
Then you face the SINGLE vs. TAKEN issues. Like when you were single, you had no worries. Did whatever you wanted whenever you want. Now, you’re taken and the arguments, fights, pettiness is on an all time high.
One of the worst things you can do to a man is intentionally be petty to get at him. From what I have seen and heard, it is just annoying af!
Basically, you’ve decided on the woman you want and it’s like switching lanes in traffic. Before picking you were all moving at a slow pace and her lane was the only one moving fast. The moment you switch lanes, everything stops! A
And you’re like…. Say it with me…. What The Heck Man!
But enough of what sounds like women bashing, let’s talk about the men. Men that have too many options but then cannot choose one. It’s like why do you have options? It’s sooooo you have more to choose from, not holding on to all.
Some of these men are DreamSellers too. They tell you, you’re important and you very well might be but they also make the other women feel important too and that can be very annoying and frustrating for the woman that truly wants you.
MEN make up your mind.
But women, be ready to take the potential L when he makes up his mind. Because it is possible that it might not be you.
Essentially, nothing from being single to in a relationship is entirely simple. There is difficulty even in simplicity. How do you balance it all?
Going from being single and enjoying someone’s company and being able to have them as an outlet to them now becoming one of your triggers. It can get complicated very easily.
What I will say to people is this, if someone is honest with you from the jump and not selling you dreams, don’t SEKEM your way into their lives trying to force your reality on them. It will only bring you heartache and potentially have you tweeting simp shit past midnight on the regular.
We are kolomentally trying to figure it all out. But e no easy e.
This concludes my What The Heck Man rant of the day. My chips have now finished and I am sad once again but God pass devil.
Please where is my cabin biscuit?
I’m out of that too?! What The Heck Man
Omo na to fry plantain remain o.
#WhatTheHeckMan Question: Do we complicate things by ourselves?
Feel Good Posts for these coming late today even though it is still Wednesday. I apologize it has been a stressful week but I’ll update you all on my next #WhatTheHeckMan Rant.
It’s really amazing the things you can see from up here. The lights, the cars, the homeless people and these bars that I cling on to.
I can feel the chill on my skin and the goosebumps that come from within. I have my arms stretched out wide, they feel like wings. From up here, I feel like I can soar above all my troubles and straight into my dreams.
I had those once, I really did. Dreams.
They gave me a purpose, something to dig deep within and fight for my shot at the table.
Those lofty dreams made me want to fight everyday to say that I am able but all the things life threw at me have made me unstable.
That is at least what the reports will say when they find me here.
Dead.
I couldn’t fathom getting to this point but I guess I always knew that my hopes at a successful life were truly dead before I was fed through a tube in my mother’s womb.
I have seen life, I tell you I have and even at 22 I can count the amount of times I have truly smiled from my heart.
You might be wondering why I am talking to you like this. Like there is absolutely no hope or no better plan to exist.
So let me tell you my story while walking you through my last 72 hours.
Maybe then, you would understand a bit more.
This road has been really tough but I gave it my all.
My name is Jade and I’m about to jump to my death.
. . . . . .
I could feel the sweat trickle down my chest and between my breasts. Bouncing up and down I placed my hands on his chest. I controlled the pace as my fingers, sweaty and sticky rubbed all over his face.
He had both his hands on my butt. He was clutching them so tight because he didn’t want to cum but I was soaking wet and I knew he wouldn’t be able to contain himself.
I moved his hands off my butt and placed them on his sides. I placed my hands on his chest, dug my fingers deep into his skin and I was sure the sweat found its way into the openings. Sending the right amount of pain through his body, I turned my head backwards and began to ride him like a race horse. He had his mouth wide open but no words came out. He was desperately trying to avoid busting that nut.
I looked down at him and continued my pace and did not let up.
Then his pelvis area locked up. He clutched the sheets and began to cum. His silence turned to grunts as he splashed his warm seed into the condom. He was panting for air as I slowly got off him and laid in the bed next to him. His member went limp. It was respectable but not enough to drive me off the brink. Or have my pussy dripping to the point where I couldn’t think. It did an “okay” job and that was mostly enough.
He slowly got up and walked to the bathroom. He snapped off the condom and I heard him flush it down the toilet. He didn’t trust me.
He didn’t trust anyone.
He especially didn’t trust any woman.
My regular on Friday’s he was consistent. That was how he built his multi-million empire.
Well, his ex empire. He built it from the ground up back in Connecticut almost twenty years ago straight out of college. He and his partner made millions from growing and exporting apples for hard ciders.
It was finalized two years ago that his wife took half of his share of the company in their divorce but more depressingly, she decided she wanted to share it with his business partner.
He was forced out of his own company taking only a quarter of all he built.
Those were the kinds of stories I heard around here. Well in between all the noise and all the sex.
He climbed back into the bed and put his hands around me as my back felt the pointy strands of hair poking into my soft skin.
Spooning for a minute, he then said in his deep and attractive voice,
“I’m ready to go again”
“Have you put it on?”
Referring to the condom and he said yes.
I moved back a little closer into him and lifted up my right leg to make his entry easier. He began to slide in and out doing what he wanted. He held my waist as he continued to thrust and I clutched the sheets. It seemed like his package was harder this time and it was hitting my spot. I clutched the sheets and bit down on the pillow. In that position, each thrust felt deeper and deeper. I couldn’t find the words to moan. I just held tight and tried not to lose my mind.
That position was long but then he began to cum and that was when I finally opened my eyes. I could see the city from where I lay. The stars in the sky and there I could feel my hope slipping away, one at a time.
He took off the condom and did the same routine as the last. He got back into the room as I was half asleep and he asked,
“Are you staying?”
I said
“No”
As I got up and began packing my things and I got dressed. He walked over to the table and placed some money next to my bag. I looked up to him and smiled. He didn’t smile back.
I picked up my stuff and gave him a hug.
“Same time next week”
He said.
I nodded and headed into the hallway. I pushed the button and the elevator cab showed up shortly. I hopped in and yawned. I was extremely sleepy. All I could think about was getting on that bus and sleeping for the hour long ride it would take to arrive at my house.
I stepped out into the street. It was cold.
The bus stop was about a quarter of a mile to my right. I began walking there in my heels while my jacket covered the rest of my body. I waited for a few minutes at the bus stop and I hoped no one would show up. Morning was coming upon us and seconds before the bus showed up, a lady with a crying baby in the stroller rolled up next to me. I was hoping they were not getting on the same bus as I was. It was Friday at 4:37am. What was this lady doing out with a kid so early?
The bus stopped in front of me and they got up. I knew they were going in the same bus now and I grumbled.
I waited until they got on and then I did. I walked right past them all the way to the back and sat down. I picked up my headphones out of my bag and placed them in my ears to drown out the sound.
The ride must have only been a few minutes in when I felt a gentle tap on my thigh. I woke up from my sleep and opened up my eyes, I looked at the lady who had a kid in her hands bouncing him up and down. She looked at me apologetically and said,
“I’m so sorry to disturb you but do you have any wipes? My baby just puked all over herself”
I reached into my purse and handed her my makeup wipes. She thanked me and began to her seat as I smiled. As she left my smile slowly vanished and the music again reached my mind.
I remembered a time when I was not the one being asked if I had any wipes but I was being cleaned up. It was one of the most horrible times I can still think of.
. . . . . .
Written In The Stars Instrumental- Original song by Ed Sheeran
“Hold still and do like this”
She modeled how she wanted me to puff out my cheeks. I looked up to my county worker as she cleaned my apple sauce off my chin. I had made a mess and spilled it all over my face and my dress.
She smiled back at me as she cleaned like it was no stress.
I was about to turn 7 that summer.
There I was sitting on the floor in the waiting room of the courthouse. The deposition was going on with the county pushing for my removal from my mother’s care.
They cited emotional and physical neglect as their reasons for wanting to put me into foster care. I obviously couldn’t understand anything that was happening at the time. I just remember the police had come to my house one night when my mom was gone. She had been gone for almost two days and I hadn’t eaten anything the whole time.
My mother was a serious heroin addict and at one time she worked as a distributor for MDMA; selling the drug popular known as “ecstasy” or more recently “Molly”.
My mother ultimately passed two days before my 16th birthday which was also around the time I started “dating”. But that is a story for later.
She had conceived me while she was homeless and living in and out of homeless shelters and car wash bathrooms. She tidied up her act a bit after I was born and the first Child and Family Services report was made by a random lady that saw my mother living behind a McDonald’s with no proper care for an infant.
When my mother died, I felt alone in the world. It felt really cold. But as you might have gathered already, I was conceived in the harshest of conditions.
The social worker returned and my mother and I got into her car. She tucked me into my car seat and walked around the car. She got into her seat and the tears immediately began to flow. The car swerved a few times as her eyes were drowning in the tears. There was sadness written across her face and there was sorrow in her heart. I couldn’t understand what was going on. So I did what she always taught me to do, ask questions.
“Mummy, are you okay?”
She glanced back and wiped her face. She sniffed a few times and then said,
“Yes baby. Mummy is just sad right now.”
I knew what it looked like to be sad but knowing why people felt that way? I still hadn’t grasped then.
“I’m sorry mummy. Everything is going to be okay. Okay?”
I tried to comfort her from my world away in the back seat. She smiled and said,
“Thank you baby”
She seemed to pull it together and she kept driving until we hit the next red light. I don’t know if it was because we had stopped but suddenly she couldn’t control herself anymore. Now she wasn’t trying to hide her tears anymore. She was heartbroken and I knew it.
She turned the corner and pulled into the driveway. She cried for a few minutes straight and I just sat there in silence. I felt something for her but I didn’t know what to say.
I believed that she must have exhausted much of her tears or just come to terms with reality that she came out of the car and removed me from the car seat. We headed into the house and I went towards looking for the remote control while she went into my room and began packing.
Vacation maybe?
I just kept flicking through the channels and then about 25 minutes later she returned with a packed bag that she left by the front door. She came towards me and crouched in front of me.
She turned the television off and turned towards me placing both her hands on my cheeks and then she said the words that essentially led my life down this path.
“Jade, some people are going to come. You are going to stay with them for a while till mommy can come and get you, okay?”
I innocently asked with a confused look on my face,
“But mummy, why?”
She knew that question was coming.
She looked me dead in my eyes and said,
“Because baby, the court has things they want mummy to fix, okay?”
I truly wished she had not used those words because I spent the last few years of my life trying to “fix” myself. I have been at war with myself and never been comfortable in the woman I was. Something was always missing or something was never good enough.
I didn’t understand what she meant by the court and as I was about to inquire some more about what she meant, I heard a knock on the door.
My mother got up and walked out of the room and she returned with three people; one woman and two men. She stood behind all of them and covered her mouth as she began to sob.
One of the men picked up my bag while the lady walked up to me with the man closely behind her. I began to piece together that they were coming to take me away. I bent down and squeezed my hands together.
The lady came in front of me and just like my mother had done earlier, she crouched in front of me and said,
“Hi Jade, my name is Angela and I’m a social worker from CFS. You’re going to come with us now okay?”
I really loved the way she smiled at me as she spoke. It made me feel comfortable in believing the improbable. They were taking me away from my mother.
“Can you come with us, please?”
She said. I looked up straight at my mother without blinking once. I just stared at her like I was waiting for her super powers to kick in and she was going to jump up and save me.
But she stood there and continued to cry. I realized then that there was nothing that was going to change that moment. I was going to be taken away.
Angela, the social worker, stretched out her hands to me. I looked down at it and looked up and my mom again. Nothing.
I placed my hand in hers and I got up. We were just about walking out of the door with the man holding my bag outside the doorway and the other man behind Angela and I. I could still hear my mother sobbing behind me when I snapped out of Angela’s hand.
It seemed like the man behind us was expecting for something to happen because he immediately dropped his hands and tried to catch me. I ducked left and ran to his right barely missing his grip. With all my might, I clung onto my mother’s foot as she bent down to hug me. She held me tight. I thought she would never let go but then she did. I kept trying to cling on to her as the man pulled me off her.
“Mummy!!!!”
I yelled in a pleading tone. Asking her to step in and save me.
“Mummy, I don’t want to go. Please don’t let them take me away!!! Please!
I promise I’ll be good and do my homework.”
I continued to yell at the top of my voice. The neighbors were now standing outside and looking on. I continued to yell and wail hoping that someone would come and stop them. Nobody came. They just looked on.
The man tried to force me into the town car and I kicked and screamed while Angela held the door open. He was strong but the emotions coursing through my veins made me stronger. I continued to fight until they put me in the car. Both men on each side of me in the back seat, I was inconsolable. I turned around and looked out the rear window. There was my mom in the driveway with our neighbor and they were consoling her. I stared on and couldn’t understand it. I wanted to yell more but I couldn’t.
The car pulled off and that was it. It would be a bit over a year before I set my eyes on my mother again. And I was never in her care again from that day going forward.
Angela turned the radio dial and stopped at a kids bop station and the song playing was a children’s rendition of “I’m Coming Home”. I was all cried out. No more tears to give the world.
I leaned to my left and onto the side of the man. He fixed my ruffled hair as my eyes batted. I was being driven to my new home; into a new world of uncertainty.
. . . . . .
I heard the brakes and then the pumps as the doors automatically opened. I was at my stop.
I got up and walked from the back of the bus and got out.
My house was about eight houses down. I began walking towards the house. It was just after 6am.
6:06am to be exact since I’m walking through a timeline.
As I got close to the house, I stopped and opened my bag. The wad of cash the man I had just left had given me was still there. I counted it.
A “respectable” $1,500 for a good nights work in uptown San Diego and I was worth every penny. The things that man had me doing all night were just ridiculous but I had a job to do and I followed through.
I counted $300 out of the money and slipped it into my socks.
I counted the rest of the money and tucked it away gently into my bag.
I continued walking towards the house as some of the students began leaving their homes to being their walks to school and catch their respective buses. I was thankful that for all my years in foster care, I continued to go to school and I successfully made it to college. I tapped my pocket and pulled out the key. Opening the door, I let myself in. My foster brother Brian was just walking down the stairs. He was in his usual grumpy mood as he walked passed me without even raising a brow. Out the door he went and into the kitchen I did. I placed my backpack on the kitchen table and opened the fridge.
I grabbed my cup off the dish rack and rinsed it. I must have not heard anything while the water was on because I turned around and there she was.
“Good morning Ms Lecia”
I said as I placed my cup on the table
“Jade, how are you?”
I gulped the last of the rest of the orange juice and placed it down on the table.
“ I’m okay Ms Lecia”
“How was the night?”
She asked as she sat at the kitchen table. I reached into my bag and pulled out the money and handed it to her. She smiled and she counted,
“You did well last night. Well done”
I smiled back and said nothing as I zipped up my bag and headed for the door. Then she said
“Is this all he paid?”
I turned around and with a straight face I said,
“Yes”
She smiled and said okay.
“Remember that phone you said you wanted?”
I nodded as she continued,
“I’ll get it for you, okay?”
I smiled and said,
“Thank you”
I was already out the room when she called my name.
“Jade”
I responded and came back and then she said,
“You know mummy loves you right?”
I smiled outwardly as I cringed inside and replied,
“Yes, I do”
I exited the room and headed up to my room. I began taking off my clothes and I pulled the money out of my socks and pushed it into a hole I had created inside the mattress on the corner facing the wall. I pulled out the money I had there before and rolled the new cash into it and then stuffed it back in. I hopped into the shower where I scrubbed like I had just had an encounter with a skunk. Everything needed to come off; all my filth and dirt. I kept thinking about my mother; my real mother and then my sister. I had just found out about two years prior that I had a sister that my mother had never told me about before she died. The usual morning weeping session began as you might have figured by now, I have cried a lot. I headed out the shower and into my room. Of the kids living in the home all 5 of us, I was the only one that had a room to myself.
I dried myself off and crawled under my sheets. I turned my cell phone over and the time said “6:58am”.
I was about to place the phone down when my girlfriend texted me,
“Hey baby, good morning. Hope you slept well. I just wanted to say I love and I can’t wait to see you for dinner tonight. Have a great day.
Z.”
I smiled as I placed the phone down.
Her name was Zoey. She was amazing.
Please don’t judge me, you don’t know enough; yet.
At the end of the road with no more to question myself
I have to push on
I promise to hold the reins and stand strong
Embrace and love myself once more
Truly at the end
I’m all I’ve got
So hug those stretch marks as they hug you
Keep snoring loudly
They don’t bother you
Love that extra pound of flesh
One more scoop of ice cream
It won’t kill you
Love you like it’s all you have
Love every scar
Every hurt
Every time you hit the dirt
Love all of you
And love it with every breath
You are truly beautiful
With or without that expensive dress
Lookout for my new series; this Saturday titled “The Abandoned One”
#WordsofWednesday
Insecurities are normal. We all have them. They eat at you in many ways without you knowing how much they take away. The can halt you and cause you to fault yourself.
Proven and true.
But once you embrace them, you can turn them to strengths. The power they hold over you, you can harness and let it fuel you instead. My biggest insecurity is being left alone. Like the people I love the most leaving me. There have been situations where I have felt left behind.
Those situations have affected my relations(hips) lol. And caused me to always drive with the handbrake on.
I have lost people I love because I wasn’t able to be vulnerable enough.
And this all stemmed from not loving myself enough. It really sucks too.
This is a description of what some insecurities do:
You don’t love something about you or some part of you
Then you try to guard that part of you
The moment something makes you feel bad about that side of you
It automatically reinforces that you can never love that side of you anyways. Makes sense?
Body image issues, trust issues, loss issues, lack of self belief or worth. They are control and highlight insecurities within us.
Today I ask you to embrace those that you have and love yourself some more. Try harder today
Before you hurt yourself or hurt the people you really love.
If you can and want to, share one of the things that makes you feel insecure with me. Take ownership of it.
Can’t Wait (Feat. Ed Sheeran & T.I.) by Ty Dolla $ign
Daylight.
The air smelled like lavender. I wasn’t sure where I was for a quick second. My back felt sunken into the platform I was on.
I opened my eyes as I turned to my right and looked down at Fola. I smiled.
Very quickly I scanned the room. I hadn’t been in there a lot even during my stay there because I had tried to be respectful of her space.
I looked down at myself and realized my pants were still on. Good.
My right arm was dead from Fola’s average sized head sleeping on it all night. I slowly lifted it out from under her and headed into the kitchen.
I cracked a few eggs and beat them. I added all the ingredients I needed and I was about to pour them into the frying pan when Fola walked in. She stood in the doorway hiding her face. She looked so cute. I said nothing to her.
She walked into the kitchen and came up behind me. She placed her hands on my back and hugged me from behind. Her hands were soft. Her body was warm. She was perfect.
I turned to kiss her.
I looked into her eyes and said,
“Are we doing this? Ada and some will come for you. Are you sure?”
She nodded and said,
“Yes, I am”
I smiled back and said,
“Okay”
We chatted for a bit about nothing really and then she remembered she had an important errand to run. I told her to go and take a shower. She reluctantly went as she said she didn’t want to take one alone with her spoiled self.
I reached and smacked her butt as it bounced and she walked away.
She turned and I said,
“Am I allowed to do that?”
She smiled and said,
“You always could”
She winked at me and walked into her bedroom. I smiled and licked my lips. I looked down and realized that I was burning the eggs.
Fola ate a little before she darted out of the house. And I was tidying the place and then I heard a knock on the door. Like a reflex movement, I didn’t even look through the peephole to find out who it was.
I pulled the door open as I said,
“What did you forget now?”
I stopped mid sentence and stared through the open doorway. My eyes almost couldn’t believe it.
It was Ada.
“Ada, the check book for that account is in the house and I need to come and get it but they have told me not to come in there. So until I can get a police officer to accompany me, you have to wait”
She was now fuming harder.
“Bada, if you don’t come and give me what I need, I will make your life miserable. Trust me. You know I can do it”
I was just so tired of it all. I sighed and replied,
“Okay Ada, what would you have me do?”
She relaxed and straightened her blouse and said,
“Come to the house and write me the check and leave.”
I agreed and grabbed my keys. A few minutes later we were travelling closely behind each other to my house. We arrived in front of the house and she parked on the driveway while I parked on the street. The sight was something out of a movie.
The whole front area of the house was covered in yellow tape and the place was swarming with police officers. There had to have been at least eight police cars parked in front of the house.
We both got out of our respective cars and began walking towards the house. An officer from inside the house came outside and said to us
“Does either one of you live here?”
I shook my head and then the officer said,
“Ma’am are you Ada?”
He pronounced it like he said the word turkish name “Arda”
She looked puzzled and almost immediately scared. She turned and looked at me. I returned this look of disengagement. This wasn’t my shit.
Ada looked back at the officer and nervously replied,
“Yes”
He pulled up part of the tape and motioned for her to come under it. She looked at me again as if she wanted me to step in but I for sure wasn’t going to.
She stopped on the other side of the tape looked at me as the officer said,
“And who are you sir?”
I have the flattest affect on my face as I responded,
“Her ex husband”
Her eyes grew big and unconsciously a smile quickly spread across my face. I turned around and headed for my car as the officer led her away to his car. There was a sudden release.
. . . . . .
As I finished up my words, I could already see Fola about to explode. She had this extremely calm exterior about her most times but somehow I occasionally pushed her buttons; intentionally and sometimes even unconsciously. I guess the people you love do that the easiest.
I almost just wanted to keep on talking to stop her from responding but as soon I stopped. She took a short breath and said,
“So you let her into my house and then you followed her out?
Bada, why would you do that?
Don’t you know that she is crazy?!”
I think she caught how puzzling her overreaction made me with the expression on my face, so she began to tone her voice down. I was about to respond when she said,
“Don’t try to defend yourself!
I’m just mad right now. Maybe I’m overreacting but just let me have it”
I looked at her as I scoffed and said,
“Yeah. You need to calm down”
I immediately knew the damage I had done as those words sailed off my tongue. She turned and glared at me. I put up my hands in surrender.
Nigerian women would kill you if you told them to calm down while they are angry.
I said,
“Baby, you look so beautiful when you mad”
She waved me off with the quickness. Just like that my compliments went to waste. Sigh.
. . . . .
Outside the meeting room I sat.
Occasionally raising my head to catch a glimpse of someone either walking in heels or talking on their phone.
I was sitting in the hallway reading the deposition report that detailed why the police came over to my house a few days prior. Apparently there had been a suspected murder of a woman who had told her friends she feared for her life. Pearl had gone over to the house to confront her ex over moving in with Ada and basically being with her.
Gunshots had gone off that morning in the house. The police were called to the scene and Pearl’s body was discovered. It was reported that there had been some noises and possibly a confrontation before the gunshots but Ada’s man was nowhere to be found. My guess was that it was a confrontation that went too far but all the same, Pearl was gone.
An ATB had been put out for him while Ada had been interrogated because of all of the drugs located in the garage. The report said they were confident she knew nothing about it but she was told to not leave town.
“We’re ready for you, Mr Bada”
I looked to my left as the intern that came to get me from outside the meeting room held the door open for me. I walked in and took a seat.
The room was well lit and there was coffee on the table in front of us. I was watching and basically involved in small talk with the mediator when Ada walked into the room.
She looked great as usual. I felt like it was around that time I began to wonder if all I ever felt for her was lust because truthfully at that moment, I just wanted to lay her out on top of that table and devour her.
I quickly shook the thought out of my head but it was too late. Ada had seen my eyes drooling over her as she smiled back to me as if to say,
“Yes, look at what you’re missing”
I sat up straight with the meeting beginning.
As sometimes is the case with divorces, Ada and I were advised to attend mediation. This was where we were supposed to figure out how to navigate this process as amicably as possible without trying to kill each other. My lawyer had expressed to the court that he felt that the divorce if not properly outlined in mediation could get ugly. The judge granted exception and ordered mediation for us.
Being very honest, that meeting did not last very long. I afforded Ada the opportunity to speak first. I was sure that she had no footing. I helped her come to this country, put a roof over her head and supported her. Yet she was looking for ways to sink deeper into my pockets.
Not happening.
She started off talking about all she did for me during the short while we lived together and then proceeded to imply that I had been cheating by living outside the home and not fulfilling my husbandly duties because I was living with Fola.
“He has been living with another woman and sleeping with her. A gold digger named Fola”
I snapped back speaking through my covered my mouth,
“Do not bring her into this!”
Slightly raising my voice. Did she just call Fola a gold digger? I thought to myself.
I was certain then that Ada needed psychological attention.
“Yes, let it be noted that I have been living out of the home for a little over month now as a result of a bogus domestic violence claim made by her.
I was ordered to stay away from her and of course I was going to stay away from the home too as she invited a convicted felon into my house. So forgive me for not being able to perform husbandly duties while I worried about my life”
There was shock written all over Ada’s face. Since she had met me, I had never raised my voice at her nor had I ever come on that strongly but that day, it had to be done and it had been coming.
The mediator was taken back and tried to gather herself when I laughed and said to the mediator,
“I’m leaving here. Finish this up and let me know what I need to sign. If this goes to court, I’ll win even if she drains me first. I would also like my house back at some point soon.
And Ada, you might want to watch your back with a felon sticking his prison-covered privates inside you. At least while he’s still on the run for murder.”
I stormed out. I felt like I just sunk the buzzer beating a 3 pointer shot in the championship game.
. . . . . .
Selfish by Jordan Rakei
Soundtrack for the Selfish Series.
I needed the getaway. That week had been hectic.
Fola and I had our first “argument” even though I was not allowed to argue back and then the meeting with Ada. I just needed a break to recharge. The kind of person I am, I knew that with each issue pilling over the next, it would become extremely hard for me to not easily run into another problem. I was glad Fola and I were dealing with our feelings early however difficult they were.That was something I had failed to do in previous relationships and I wanted to set the right tone for a future endeavor.
I had been in relationships where issues would fester for days and nothing would be resolved just us driving farther and farther away from each other.
Fola would never let things happen like that. Part of what I loved about her the most was the fact that she would be upset with me but she would still convey her feelings in a way that made me understand her feelings. And her voice and the look in her eyes always made me want to make it right immediately. That type of dynamic was one that I wished for all the time and I was glad to see it happening.
I watched Fola sleeping in the car as we drove to our destination a few hours outside town.
There was just something about her. I could say it all day. She just had a way about her. She was feisty when she needed to be, and soft in the same space. She carried confidence in being submissive but also poise, class and respect in knowing how and when to put her foot down and dominate situations. She was a woman’s woman.
“Babe, where did you put the tickets?”
I asked her as I buttoned up my shirt. She was in the other room putting on her makeup and she answered,
“Inside the left side of your blazer babe”
I reached inside my blazer and of course they were there. I smiled and pulled my blazer on. I walked to the bathroom and stood in the door way looking at her. My face was saying it all
“Put your makeup on faster”
or maybe my eyes were saying
“Why aren’t you putting them on faster or why do you even need makeup, you’re beautiful as it is”
She looked at me and smiled.
“Five more minutes babe”
Argh! That smile of hers was just her way of making me melt. I turned around and headed to the couch. The hotel’s channels were confusing to navigate so I just left it on a sports channel. Sports Center as usual continued to show the same replays at intervals and I waited.
Twenty minutes later she emerged and was finally ready. Again her beauty just caused me to park my emotions to the side for a moment.
Hand in hand, we walked towards the hotel lobby for the comedy show. With each laugh during the show, I felt us drift a little closer to each other. I couldn’t stop staring into her eyes over dinner. She was truly beautiful.
I couldn’t wait to finally get my hands on her.
We wrapped up dinner and our drinks as we walked into the hotel suite. I walked into the room and headed straight for the bathroom. She headed into the room.
I came out of the room and she was laying on the bed in her dress face down. I remember saying,
“Fola, you know you’re going to get all your makeup all over the sheets right?”
She said
“Oh!”
as she turned and sat up. She was sitting on the edge of the bed when I walked up and stood in front of her.
I took her head into my hands and leaned down to kiss her. Her cheeks were soft and her lips even softer. I reached down and pulled her up. She was looking surprised as if she didn’t know what I was about to do. I held her up as she placed her legs on the bed and her back against the wall.
The kisses were long and connecting. It’s one of those hard to explain feelings but I continued to feel my body open up and take her in. It was like finding a puzzle that just fit right.
Occasionally, she would stop and look into my eyes as if she was surprised that it was all happening.
I didn’t want to let her out of my arms. I slowly placed her down and took off her clothes. She turned around and took of my shirt and then unzipped my pants. I just stood there and watched her.
When she was done, I kissed her again. Slowly, I laid her down on the bed. Every position allowed me to be close to her face. I wanted to continue to look into her beautiful eyes and just get lost in her more and more.
She lay on her chest as I laid on her back, slowly sliding my way in. The pace was slow. Controlled.
I could feel her in many ways. I was drenched in her but as each drop of sweat fell onto her, I covered her. She reached for the pillows to grab on to. I continued to thrust while planting soft kisses to the right side of her face as she moaned.
I could tell that I just wanted to be with this woman and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
We lay there next to each other with her legs over mine as we both began to fall asleep. I kissed her forehead and she said,
“I love you, Baddest”
I smiled and looked down at her. Before I could respond, she had fallen asleep. I smiled and planted another kiss on her forehead and whispered,
“I love you too Fola.”
……
STOP!!!! YOU SEE THAT SMILE ON YOUR FACE RIGHT NOW. PRESERVE IT O. YOU BETTER PLAN TO COMMENT AT THE END OF THSI STORY OR ELSE. We’ll have to involve Goodluck Jonathan and none of us want that. So be a real one and hold it down. POP. Pimp Squad for life baby. #WhatTheHeckMan I luh you!
……
The rest of the trip was filled with activities. Wine tasting, kayaking, indoor rock climbing and go kart racing. Somehow we were both tired the day we were leaving but happy that we had spent that time together. Almost recharged in a way.
I was at the gas station as I we were heading back home on our drive when I stopped at the gas station to fill up on gas.
I slid my card into the reader and I kept receiving a “declined” message. Somehow I thought it must have been some type of mistake because that account was linked to my savings account, which had all my life savings in it. So even if there was no money in the checking account which I was sure there was, it should have still pulled from the savings and worked.
I didn’t take it too seriously, so I used another card and got into the car.
I had been driving for about 5 minutes when my phone rang. It was my bank asking me to verify some transactions because there had been suspicion of fraudulent behavior on my account. I was verifying the transactions when my phone started beeping for an incoming call.
I clicked over and it was a collect call from the holding cell. I clicked to accept the call and then I heard the voice on the other side say,
“Hello”
I sighed. It was Ada.
. . . . .
“That’s what she deserves. I hope the bank didn’t let her take anything though?”
I understood why Fola would respond like that. She like many people couldn’t stand Ada.
I was sure Ada had finally worked her way into a hole too big to get out of now.
Remember that checkbook that I had followed Ada to my house for some weeks back?
Yes.
She forged my signature and tried to clean out the account. The bank flagged it and blocked the account. Ada was taken into custody on attempt to defraud charges. She called to ask me to come and bail her out.
“You better not be thinking about going there, Bada. Get that thought out of your head right now”
Fola said to me. I looked at her and said,
“Fola, I obviously can’t leave her in there. She has no one”
“More reason why she should not have been going around making enemies”
Fola chimed back.
I looked over to her and said,
“Babe, I owe it to my family to at least help her out.”
Fola rolled her eyes as I tried to stay focused on the road and said,
“There you go again with this unreciprocated loyalty. How many of them stepped up to help you while all of this was going on? How many?
Yet you continue to stay in this situation. You have to step up and take care of yourself, Bada.
Go and talk to her but let it be known that if this blows up somehow again, I won’t be a part of this mess”
She stopped talking and turned towards the window after putting her headphones in. I looked over to her and kept my eyes on the road. Something needed to be done.
About two hours later we arrived at the police station, I stepped out of the car and we made our way into the waiting area. Fola was visibly upset that I even came there. When they called me up to talk to her, I got up and kept walking towards where I was supposed to talk to her.
I couldn’t turn around because of the heartbreak written all over her face.
Ada began by asking me to help her and how devastating her being in jail would be for her family. The penalty for the crime she committed was a minimum of a year in jail and up to 5 years if deemed necessary. She was facing serious time.
She asked me to lie and tell them that I had authorized her taking the money.
I said,
“First of all Ada, you want me to commit a crime to get you out of a crime. That’s not happening. This seems to be your pattern where you take and take. You continuously manipulated me into doing things for you that put me at risk.
Think of everything you put me through. I married you and tried to help you and your family by giving you a better life. You repaid me with evil, heartache and sadness.
You even went as far as breaking our union with adultery by sleeping with that guy. So please, cut the bullshit!
A lot of people get themselves into situations and have the hardest time knowing when to give up and quit because they don’t want to be selfish. Ada, this is my time to be selfish. I have love for you but you are not deserving of it.
I am leaving this situation behind. I did promise to help you though so I will get in touch with a lawyer you can afford with all the money I have given you in the recent times.
With these charges and your ties with the man that is currently a wanted murderer, you might very well get deported but who knows. All the best and stay away from me.”
Ada was straight faced the whole time. No tears, no remorse. Nothing.
I couldn’t care one bit. I left the room and walked into the lobby and there was Fola.
Her legs were crossed over each other. Head in her hands and she was crying.
I wasn’t sure why. I walked up to her and got on my knees in front of her. I placed my hands over her hands and said,
“Fola, what is going on?”
She continued to cry.
I pried her hands off her face and began wiping her tears.
“Baby, I’m sorry I brought you here. I just had to take care of this”
She kept on crying while I continued,
“I’m glad you waited though and I’m sorry again”
She wouldn’t stop crying and I hated her crying but also not telling me what was going on in her head.
I was still on my knees wiping away her tears as she said,
“I thought you were going to stay with her.”
She sniffed and continued,
“It just always felt like she had some kind of hold over you. I couldn’t bank on you not staying with her. It felt like I never really had you and you were just going to go back to her.”
Her vulnerability almost made me cry. I wiped her tears away again and pulled her close. Head to head, I rubbed down her back and told her it was going to be okay and that I wasn’t going anywhere.
I held her head back and said,
“Fola, I have always given to others without taking care of me and my wants and needs. Fola, you are all I want now. You are all I need. Call me selfish but here we are. I have to have you. I need to have you”
She looked down and sniffed then she said,
“Really?”
I smiled and knew my baby was back and I pulled her close. I then replied saying,
“Yes really. I love you”
She hugged me and in my ear she says,
“Get up already. You look like you’re proposing and you sure as hell ain’t proposing to me in a police station.”
I laughed and mocked pulling out a ring from my pocket. She smacked my left shoulder as I got up. I hugged her again as we walked out. Together we had overcome our biggest pain.
. . . . .
It was a hot day. I was sweating and just needing a drink and cool air.
I walked down the driveway and headed into the back of the truck. I stopped for a second and thought of what to carry next.
It was about midday.
Quiet the neighborhood conveyed peace. It was welcoming. It was beautiful. It was new.
I bent down and pulled the head board of the new bed. I pulled it.
It only budged a bit. I pulled it again.
Slowly but surely, it got to the edge of the truck. I got down and straightened the dolly I was going to place it on to roll it into the house.
It was my new house with Fola. It had been 7 months since the last time I saw Ada and our divorce had been finalized a few weeks after the encounter we had at the police station. I sold the old house as I wanted a change and Fola was definitely not going to live in a house where a murder had been committed. Ada was somewhere serving her two year sentence for fraud and we just needed a fresh start. So we moved.
Far away enough from all the people we knew but still reachable, we started over. Together.
I lifted the headboard and steadied it on the dolly. I was about to start pushing it when Fola came out of the house with the house phone in her hand.
I stopped and wiped some sweat off my head with my forearm as she said,
“Phone babe”
I replied,
“Who is it?”
She responded,
“The hospital. They said Ada just had a baby and they want to talk to you”
There are very few words to describe the expression on my face at that time. Only one fitting one, “#WhatTheHeckMan!”
The End
Everyone knows an Ada, a Bada and of course some of us are hopelessly Fola but we are all similar in one way; we want something. I wrote the Selfish series to speak to a very real situation in the Nigerian/African community and our involvement with immigrating and helping people from Africa come to our various countries.
I also wanted to speak to the selflessness in many of us. Blinding navigating and slaving away to keep others grounded while we drift off into oblivion. Ada was(is) a leach. The find the healthiest host and latch on before sucking them dry and then moving on to their next home. Personally, it was interesting to see the level of “hate” and disgust people developed over the last 4 weeks for Ada. The psychologist in me says that speaks to the level of countertransference that she caused many of you to have. She evoked emotions because you could either relate very well or you just happen to know an “Ada like” character.
Ada not dying was a symbol for life. Sometimes some of the trickiest situations we get involved in unfortunately never let up. They linger and haunt for a long time. The best way is to learn to avoid them all together. Saying NO is a talent but more of a life skill. Learn it.
Bada slaved on for while trying to do what’s “right”. But what happens when doing what is right feels wrong and is hurting you?
Leave?
Easier said than done. Some of you are in Selfish situations right now out of love, loyalty and maybe plain fear of change. Honestly, it is great to always think you will get as much as you give in a situation but the truth is that sometimes the balance tips one way or another. You just hope that you’re getting enough of what you need from the situation that you don’t feel cheated.
In Bada’s case he needed to leave but it was extremely hard for him. Don’t be a Bada. IF it is even anywhere near Ada levels of evil, RUN!
Before you’re the one people have to mourn.
Fola, oh Fola. I love a Fola tho. I really do!
Shoutout to the real Fola’s out there. Patiently waiting for their “moment”. For some, they will wait in vain but for some who have honestly waited, loved from a healthy enough distance and worked on themselves; the reward almost always comes.
What I would say to you in “Fola like” situations is, don’t become a doormat while waiting for the right person to walk into your life or realize that you’ve always been there. Everyone walks into the house without ever acknowledging the doormat. All we notice is the shining painting in the corner that is a pain to maintain.
For Fola, keep your head up. If you’ve done everything right. You’ll get the reward in the version of the person you want.
FYI, there are men and women named Fola.
You have questions I know, but listen to me. Take am slow slow! lol
You are probably mad at me right now but at least I didn’t kill off the person you wanted to protect! I should get credit for that. But anywho, don’t be a Pearl in the way of an Ada, you’ll end up as collateral damage.
Remember that night that Bada left for a bit after Fola got mad at him? Hmmmm…
Oh back to Ada, she had a baby. Timelines. 😴😷
Who the baby daddy?!?!?!?!?!?!?! lol
We are wired to take. In our lives we can slowly become Selfish without realizing it. Do good people. LEarn to give more than you receive. More time, More love, patience, trust, prayers, more of you. So today, reach out to the one you love and GIVE. Don’t ask for anything at all. Just give. Give love, give time, give your listening ear.
Above all, I want to thank you all for reading the Selfish series. I hope you enjoyed the rollercoaster ride with me. My new series starts you all up again. #WhatTheHeckMan family, I appreciate you all. Thank you for the time, love, support and comments you give me. They go a massive way in my life. Y’all are the MVP’s.
Listen to the Selfish soundtrack by Jordan Rakei. He is DOPE! Expect more from him in the coming stories.
Ladies and Gentlemen, you are amazing to me and I’ll continue to give you quality stories for as long as I can and you want them. Thank you again.
Till you read again (ON WEDNESDAY) keep your head up and give love.
Love you all! Oh and ADD ME ON SNAPCHAT! lool “ADEWUS4REAL”
Watch OUT for my next series, TITLE WILL BE DROPPED ON WEDNESDAY!!!!
Give me feedback. How did this make you feel? Talk to me about Selfish 4 or the series.
