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You’ll only regret it when I get heartbroken 


Ku Story by Timie Roberts

It was unlike Danielle to leave without telling me. Even when she used to spend the night at my apartment and head to work in the morning from there, she would always give me a kiss before she left.

I couldn’t understand why she would leave without letting me know. I continued to look for my keys.

I looked for my keys in the bedside drawer to see if I might have left them there.


“Where did she go?”

I asked myself as I reached for my phone and dialed her number. No answer.

I began to think of the possibilities. Maybe she left because she saw the missed calls from Ms Annette and thought it was another woman. I couldn’t conclude on what I thought the issue was.

I looked up at the clock and it was almost time to check out. I hurriedly packed my things which had been carefully sitting at the corner of the room like they always did. I opened the closet and pulled out my blazer from the night before and began to put it on when I realized my key had been in there the whole time.

I smiled as I looked at myself in the mirror on the closet door as it slid to a close.

“Christian, you’re so stupid.”

I said to myself. I picked up my bag and headed out the door.

Shortly after, I was sitting in my car. I looked at my phone and tried Danielle again. There was still no answer. I started the car and drove out the hotel’s parking lot and headed towards my house.


I began to think about Ms Annette and for some reason even with all the missed calls; I didn’t want to call her back just yet. I felt it in my spirit that something was wrong and it was a case of avoiding the words of sadness so they did not come into existence.

I spent the majority of that afternoon running errands and I was leaving the post office after dropping a package I was mailing out when my phone buzzed. It was Ms. Annette.

I cleared my throat and answered the call,

“Hey, Ms Annette. How are you?”

I tried to act natural.

She replied in a very soft voice

“Why haven’t you called me back Christian, I needed to talk to you”

“What’s the matter? Is everything okay?”

I asked.

“No, it’s not. I met with the doctor yesterday and they told me that I have stage 4 liver cancer. And it’s aggressive. I probably have a couple more weeks left.”

I covered my mouth in disbelief. I began to shake; I could not believe the things that she was saying to me.

“how could this happen to her?”

I thought. This woman had a beautiful soul. She was the kindest to everyone she met and didn’t deserve to be treated as such. She deserved life and happiness. This was not fair. Life was not being fair.

I asked her,

“Isn’t there anything they can do to stop it? A transplant or something?”

She replied,

“It’s in-operable. The doctor said I have two good weeks and that’s about it. I promise I wasn’t lying to you when I said there wasn’t anything to worry about. They thought it could be managed the last time we talked about it.”

I sat there in disbelief. Regardless of how our relationship had begun, I had grown to deeply care about Ms Annette and become fond of her. To hear her deliver news that she was dying was crushing to hear. I tried to compose myself and said,

“Can I please come and say goodbye at least?”

She paused for a second as it sounded like she fought back tears and she replied,

“No Christian. I want to walk this one alone. My kids will be here within the next few days. It’ll be a family affair. I’ll definitely be in touch soon though”

I said a solemn goodbye as I turned off the phone and began to wonder what had happened. I felt a part of me begin to wither away. I began to feel empty.


I tried to fight back the tears in my eyes but I was failing and I just knew that I was going to be sad for the longest time.

Ms Annette was important to me. As weird as this might sound due to how our relationship was outlined, she was like a mother to me. Always worrying about me and making sure that I was okay. She was always looking for the best way to be there for me and here she was delivering news of her imminent passing to my hearing. I placed my head on the steering wheel as the tears streamed down. This was a huge loss for me.

I was weeping profusely without a care about how I was presenting and then my phone began to buzz in my lap. I immediately thought it was Ms Annette calling back. I picked up the phone and turned it around. It was Danielle.

I wiped my face and stopped sniffling. I answered the phone, sliding my wet index finger over the screen. I heard her moving around on the other end and in a panicky voice, she said,


“Christian! James is not giving me Dylan. I have been here talking to him for the past hour and he is saying he won’t allow me to see my son. Why is he doing this to me?!”


I sat up and straightened myself as I responded inquiring about her safety first.


“Where are you babe? Are you safe?”

 “Yes I am. I’m at the Home Depot parking lot on Fruitvale.”

She replied. I knew where that was. She was not that far away from where I was. I began to think of going down there to confront him but I knew how much I hated the man. It would have been a deadly day.

“Where is he?”

I asked her.

“He’s outside the car yelling like a crazy person. I locked myself in.”

I asked her to leave immediately and we would handle it later. She was upset because she thought I was encouraging her to allow him win again. She yelled back,

“No! He always gets his way. He has been oppressing me for years. It is not fair. I do not deserve this! You know what? NEVER MIND!”

The phone clicked. She hung up.

I looked at the phone in disbelief. I suddenly felt this rush of anger course through my veins.

I started the car and headed for the freeway. I was going to James’ house. He was not having this one.

.      .      .      .      .      .

 The wind slapped my ears as I hit 80 miles per hour on the freeway. I was angry.

In hindsight, I should have probably thought my plan through but in that moment, all I could think of was Danielle and how I needed to fight for her. The news about Ms Annette’s condition might have actually contributed to my irrational behavior that day. I just wanted to give her life and give her something to smile about.

I arrived at James’ house about 35 minutes later. I pulled into the driveway and for a brief moment considered backing out but then I remembered the pain he continued to cause Danielle and I loved her. I could not sit and see her feel that anymore.

I hopped out the car and headed for the door. I knocked and waited. James’ mother opened the door. I walked right past her, letting myself in as I said,

“Where is Dylan?”

I walked into the living room looking for him. She was shocked. I was sure she knew who I was but not expecting me to be there or storm into her house. I stopped between the living and dining room as I turned to her and asked again,

“Where is Dylan!”

This time around my voice was louder and you could feel the anger and hate for them in my voice. She motioned at me to keep my voice down,

“He’s asleep. Keep your voice down”

I figured he must have been upstairs. I bolted up the stairs and peered into the rooms. The second room I checked had a fan blowing and Dylan tucked away in the middle of the bed. Asleep.

I carried him gently and headed down the stairs. She was standing at the foot of the stairs with her phone to her ear.

I asked her for the car seat and noticed it by the front door. I grabbed it.

She looked at me pausing from her phone call and said, 

“Where are you taking him? Why are you doing this?”

She returned back to her phone call as she stood in the driveway and gave a description of the mood and myself to the person on the phone.  I placed a sleeping Dylan into the car seat and clicked his seatbelt in. I got into the driver’s seat, took one glance into the rearview mirror catching a view of Dylan and James’ mother and then I drove off.

I was making my way back on the freeway as night began to own the city. Heading for Danielle’s house with a sleeping young child in the back seat, I was driving carefully. I began to think about what had just happened. There was no bit of fear in my heart. All I felt was love. I truly loved Danielle and Dylan and this was my fight towards what I ultimately wanted to be a family. I guess I was wrong.

I was in the process of switching lanes when I looked up at the electric sign on the freeway. It had my plates on it!

My license plate number was on the citywide sign with a child abduction message with it. I was about to lose my mind. What?!

I realized that James’ family must have called the police and reported me taking him away as abduction. I realized then that it was bad.

I kept my cool and tried not to wake Dylan up. I was about 3 miles away from my exit when I noticed a police car go off behind me. The lights went first and then I heard them telling me to pull over. There was no shoulder due to the construction work. I pulled off the next exit and parked the car.

I began to panic a bit. I was not sure how things would go. You just never know in those situations. I was truly not trying to get shot.

I looked into the back seat and Dylan was still sound asleep. I somehow felt like God just touched him to ensure he “saw no evil”.

I emerged from the car and the officer asked me to get down on my knees and place my hands on my head. I slowly obliged ensuring I followed their direction. My knees felt the cold of the street as they touched the earth. I was staring into the light as the officer came towards me and put the hand cuffs on me and he began leading me towards the cop car. I didn’t argue or say a word as he read my rights to me. I watched them pull Dylan out of the car in his car seat and he was checked out by the EMT’s that just arrived.

I sat there quietly in the car as they drove downtown. Everything became clear now. I had been blinded by my love for Danielle. I didn’t notice how blurred my outlook was as I practically “kidnapped” her son even though I did it for her. The ride downtown was short. A few hours later, I was in my different clothes and about to spend the night in the holding cell. All I could think was “What The Heck Man”

 .      .     .      .      .       .

The Thirst Ft. Shiz by Tay

 “What were you thinking?!”

“I mean I know what you were thinking but come on Christian, that was dangerous and you had Dylan with you! What if he had gotten hurt?!”

I dropped my head as Danielle rained on me. She was so upset and concerned.

I had been locked up for over 48hrs. I was under psychiatric observation for the first twenty four hours and I just continued to think about what I was going through the rest of the time. I did not regret what I did but I just knew I maybe could have handled it differently.

I looked up at her. I knew she was concerned about my well being without saying it. I said,

“Danielle, stop looking at me like that. I’m fine. It will all be sorted soon”

She snapped back with worry.

“And what should I do till then?

I don’t like you in here!”

I reached across the table and took her hands into mine. The officer blurted out,

“No touching!”

I pulled my hands back and forced a smile. I missed her. I missed her touch. Her perfume reminded me of hugging her. I just wanted to hold her again. I asked her to listen closely to what I was about say.

“Danielle, I need you to go to 401 Attica Blvd. Apartment 1001. Go through the back and up the stairs. Press the door buzzer and knock twice.”

She looked at me puzzled like I was sending her to an undercover drug ring. I continued,

“Just listen. After you knock, wait. It might be quiet but I need you to turn to the right in front of the door and look up. Hold up my school id card that you’ll find on my cabinet in my room up to the little camera in the corner”

She looked even more confused now. I tried to explain to her why I was sending her there. She asked,

“who am I going to meet there?”

 “A really good friend who enjoys her privacy. She’ll give you all the money you need and then I need you to go to my bank and deposit it into my account. You still have my account information, right?”

Danielle’s eyes grew big. This was not small change we were talking about. My bail had been set at a hundred thousand dollars. Her brain was trying to figure out what I was involved in to have that kind of money. My bail was that high because I was charged with kidnapping and endangering a minor and possession of marijuana of an illegal quantity. The weed wasn’t mine and I was sure it was planted in my trunk by James’ people.

I had told my lawyer but he told me that the drugs were the least of my worries. I somehow had to fight the kidnapping charge and even if I was released, it would be on an ankle monitor.

Danielle leaned in and lowered her voice as she said,

“Is this money from the drugs they said they found in your car? Are you selling drugs Christian?”

I leaned in and shook my head. I responded,

“No I’m not. It is from money I have saved off from other businesses that I just didn’t want to disclose to the government for tax purposes. It is legitimate.”

I didn’t think she was buying it. She asked again,

“So how come you never told me about this friend and the money from this “venture””

I knew my visiting time with her was running down. I told her,

“I’ll explain better when I get out. Just go to her first. Her name is Rosie.”

Danielle looked confused but settled with knowing she would get answers once I got out. She left and I was led back into my cell. I couldn’t wait to be out.

I sat on my bed; the bottom one of the bunk bed. I looked outside my cell which had a ray of light coming through the window outside the bars. I had hope but something worried me.

YOU’RE ENJOYING THE STORY ABI???? I CAN SEE YOU. YOU BETTER COMMENT. GOD IS WATCHING YOU IN 3D. I’m serious o. COMMENT at the END! Oya please na. I’m lowkey begging. Is it fair like this? Ehn… Comment na. YOU! Yes YOU! 

.      .     .       .      .        .


I yelled out in shock as I stood up in the visiting room. My lawyer and Danielle looked on. My lawyer asked me to sit down and began talking,

“Danielle came to get me. I went there myself. I’m sorry Christian. She’s gone. The whole place was empty”

I sat down and began to sob as I shook my head. This was not happening. No! No! No!!!

Danielle looked sad like she was about to start crying for me. I knew she was scared too. I tried to pull it together.

Apparently when Danielle had arrived at Rosie’s place, she was gone and of course all the money was gone. Over the years I had been spending time with Ms Annette and her friends, I had saved north of three hundred thousand dollars with Rosie and now all of it was gone?!

There was no way. I just wanted to die. All my hope seemed to be gone right there. I wanted to jump off a cliff or something. I suddenly began to feel the walls closing in on me tighter. In a flash, my whole life turned around and my future seemed blurry and bleak. I wasn’t sure I was ever going to see the light.

I had my head in my hands before I raised them up.

“They got to her”

I said.

My lawyer looked at me and said,

“Who got to her?”

I wiped my tears, sniffed in and said,

“James and his family. Rosie would never leave me like that.”

My lawyer trying to look at all the angles said,

“How can you be so sure? People panic in situations like that. She might have heard about you being detained and felt she needed to run”

I looked at him and told him it was impossible. I was basically the one that paid for the naturalization process of Rosie and her two kids. She never paid me back because I did it out of the kindness of my heart and I was searching for purpose in my life. I strongly felt that she must have been forced to leave by someone in the police force that James’ parents had in their pocket. She would just never run like that. She had seen way too much in her line of work to run from something like this. I began to get consumed with anger again.

Danielle noticed and said,

“Christian, I understand you’re upset right now but we need to start thinking about solutions and not dwelling on the past. What can we do? Are there any other options?”

I looked at her and said,

“Yes, there is another option but it might be really hard.”

She asked me

“What is it?”

 I looked over to my lawyer and said,

“David, can you please excuse us?”

 He began to pack his papers as he said,

 “Sure. I’ll be in touch. I’ll let you know if any new information comes up.”

 I shook his hand as he walked. I waited till the door closed behind him before sitting down and talking to Danielle

I started by saying,

“This is not entirely what it looks like but I need you to contact Ms Annette. She’s the only option I have left.”

Danielle sat up straight in her seat, she looked me square in the eye and said,

“How so? The same Ms Annette that kept blowing up your phone”

Her saying that startled me. I tried to regroup myself while I thought “how did she know about her?”

She saw the surprise in my eyes as she said,

“Yes, I know about her. She was blowing up your phone that morning at the hotel while I was trying to look for your keys. I eventually answered but the person on the other side didn’t say anything.

Who is she Christian?”

For a split second I wanted to lie. At this point she didn’t know what had gone on between Ms Annette and I could keep it that way but in that moment I realized that the number of allies I had were few. I could not lose Danielle to another lie. Rosie was gone, Ms Annette dying and I could not let Danielle turn on me. At that point I would then be truly alone.

I bowed my head and then I said,

“She and I had a thing a long long time ago.”

“A sexual thing?”

She asked with a look of disgust written all over her face.

I kept my head bowed and nodded. She asked,

“Are you serious? Hold old is she?”

“Older than I am for sure but that’s it.”

I replied.

Danielle scoffed and leaned back. I glanced up and I could see that the worry, concern and care that she had for me earlier was gone and now replaced with betrayal and anger.

“Have you been sleeping with her for money?

 Is that why you think she’ll put up a hundred grand to bail you out?”

She accused me. I sat up and put my finger up as I explained myself,

“I never said I was sleeping with her. We had sex once! Years ago! Long before you and I became a thing. She took care of me and was there for me when no one else was. Every single time I have seen her since then, it has just been for companionship. She has no one and like me, I had no one. We were there for each other. I would go down to LA and spend time with her. No sex involved.

Danielle, I’m sorry I never told you. But it was before I met you and there was nothing to tell.”

She was heated now.

“Nothing to tell! You are my boyfriend and you’re providing companionship to another woman for money!. Is she the other business you were talking about?

Wait, are there other women too?

Christian, you’re a fucking prostitute!”

The guard turned around and looked at us. I told her to keep her voice down. I said,

“No, I haven’t been with anyone since we became official. I swear on my dead mother’s grave.”

She wasn’t having it. She looked at me and said,

“You’re a liar! So that last time you went to LA, you went to be with her?

Wow. I cannot believe this. I trusted you.

How am I supposed to know you didn’t sleep with her? I hate you Christian. I truly hate you.

After all the hurt James put me through. You do this to me and my son! Did you even think about my son? Did you even think about Dylan?!

And to think I wanted us to be a family. You are never going to come near us again”

She began to get up to leave. I tried to reach and hold her, she moved her hand away.

“I’m not going to see your sugar mummy. I won’t. I will only contact her out of not wanting you to rot in here but don’t get it twisted, stay away from my son and I. We are done!”

She turned and headed for the door.

I could feel my heart sink to my stomach as she walked away. There was something about Danielle leaving me. Whenever she got angry and stormed out the place; I could feel a part of me die away. It just felt like losing my mother all over again. I watched her walk through the second set of bulletproof doors without turning back once. The Danielle I knew was probably in tears at that point but too stubborn to actually turn around or admit, especially when she felt wrong. I was resigned to losing her. I just saw no way back and who was I to blame her?

On some level I feel like I deserved it. She didn’t deserve this hurt and no matter how I tried to not hurt her, I seemed to always bring tears to her eyes. We all needed to be a united front and she needed me on her side as she braced herself for the newest round of battles to gain custody of Dylan from James. She didn’t need this. She definitely didn’t.

I was all alone in the visiting room as the guard returned to get me. I placed my head down on the metal table. The cold in the metal stung my cheeks. I looked up at the fluorescent light as it barely lit the room.

My future was bleak, everything seemed cloudy and a woman that was for all I knew dead, was now my only hope of living.

How should this story end? Let me know below

COMMENT. 25 comments and I’ll drop two worthy pieces this weekend. Talk to me!

The End

Follow @adewus4real

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

Lookout for part 4 of the Blurred series; on Saturday. #WordsofWednesday midweek. 

© 2014 #WhatTheHeckMan

#WordsofWednesday · Art · Life · Poetry · Uncategorized




Follow @adewus4real on  download

You’ll only regret it when I get heartbroken 


Conqueror by Mali Music

“I don’t need them”

I truly don’t need them

I can do it all by myself

I tried to continue to convince myself

I was my own island

But even an island is supported by a body of water

Is anyone ever truly alone?

Don’t we all need someone?



I changed

I lied

I stole

From hearts

I told lies behind people’s backs

I remained difficult

I saw no sense in anyone’s report

I messed up

But I’m not here to make excuses

I’m here to discuss fixes



I broke relationships

Repeatedly ignored the warnings

That I was a sinking ship


I tried to navigate the waters alone

But all it did was hurt me


Till I felt it in my bones

Some threw stones

And some left me alone

But you never left me on my own



You reached out

You took my hand and told me it would be okay

You asked me to have faith and only listen to your word

And the promises that came with your grace

I could feel you pull me up

Suddenly I could feel my heartbeat

After many people pounded it till it stopped

You gave me hope

I found solace in the words you spoke


You told me to fix things

And with your redirection

With your mercy

Here I am


As crazy as it seems

I’ve found peace

So for many reasons

I want the spirit in me to be perceived right

Because I’m leaving the darkness and walking back to the light

I know temptations will come

And people will try to pull me down

But that’s alright

He’s on my side again

And for their sakes

It’s not even a fair fight



I knelt at his feet and asked him to forgive me

Like I have many times without ever truly meaning it

And he always has

Like he’s promised

He always will

So today

I’m reaching out to you

To say I’m sorry

Forgive me like a mother would

I changed and now I’m back

I’m not without flaws

And that’s a fact

This is my new journey

My new road

My new direction

With guidance from above

I can’t ask for you to love me

But I want you to know

That I truly love you


Every single week, I have the #WordsofWednesday written out and stored in my computer with all my other pieces. But sometimes, I feel something and it changes the direction I want go and the topic I want to post about.


Many of you, don’t know me personally but we have similar struggles. About two years ago, I changed. From the super sweet carefree, people loving person. I changed.

I became closed off to new relationships and struggled to forgive as I battled hurt, depression, insecurities, lies, deceit, pain and disappointment. Don’t forget a complete slip in my walk with God. Somehow, he stayed faithful. He always stays faithful, even when I am faithless and unfaithful. I could feel emptiness inside me that I shored up with fake friendships and vain dreams. I could feel myself drift deeper and deeper into a dark place and I truly reached for the wrong people to help me up. I particularly hurt a few people that I know truly cared about me and tried to reach out and help me up. But they are only human.

I could feel the man I wanted to become seem more and more like a distant fantasy. But I held on to hope.

I intentionally broke relationships because of the pain I held. I didn’t punch at a 100% in places I should have. I tried to lie to myself. The easiest person to lie to is you. I say that a lot.


Slowly as I continued to feel alone amongst a crowd, I asked him to re-arrest my heart. Put me back on track. I’m thankful to say he did. About a month and half ago, I was heading home from work. The song on the iPod (on shuffle rotation) changed and the song a version popular song struck a cord. Tears.

I felt naked as I pulled over to the side of the freeway. I couldn’t contain it. I could feel his hand peer into my heart and open me up slowly lifting all my pain and hurt away. The tears wiped away the memories of sadness. I could smile again.

I felt like a baby welcomed back by their parent out of love after being grounded for bad behavior.

I tried to fight the feeling but I noticed old habits and feelings trying to weigh me down. Like subs, they came from below and tried to drag me down. I had to stay strong and continue to build the new version of me.

One key thing that came from the “new” me was the need to restitute and fix some of the relationships I broke; intentionally or unintentionally. So I reached out to people, some answered and some didn’t. Some forgave where others held on to the pain I caused them BUT I FELT TRUE PEACE.


Today I challenge you, more than ever to search you. To search the depths of you heart. I ask you to be honest with yourself. Are there grudges you’re still holding on to? People you cannot forgive? Friends you don’t want to be the one to apologize to?

Think of the weight it places on you. I had to reach deep and forgive someone who took my innocence at a very young age. Huge for me but each person is unique.


Who do you need to call? What Facebook requests do you need to accept? Who do u need to unblock on your phone so you can accept their apology? Oh he broke, your heart? Let him go. She left you for your friend? Let her go. Let it go in your heart. He gave me another opportunity to feel “free”. You deserve one too or deserve to give them one too.


I ask you to view both sides of the coin, who do you need to forgive and who needs to forgive you?

It is very easy to remain a victim to hurt, pain and sadness. Restitute where you can or facilitate forgiveness where you can.


Today I ask you to take a stance, and not be a victim to hurt, pain or darkness anymore.



The End

Follow @adewus4real

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

Lookout for part 3 of Blurred; this Saturday.

© 2014 #WhatTheHeckMan

Art · Drama · Erotica · Fiction · Life · Poetry · Sex · Uncategorized

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You’ll only regret it when I get heartbroken 


African Princess by Korede Bello

 The morning was quiet. Just how I liked it.

I could hear the bustle around me as I continued to drift in between sleeping and waking up. You know that state you get into where you can feel yourself awake but you’re still asleep. Something like hearing yourself snoring loudly but still in the clouds.

The thread counts in her sheets were amazing. I actually didn’t want to leave the bed. I had barely gotten any sleep the night before and I just wanted to lie there all day. I could feel my thighs hurting as I wiggled my toes inside my socks. I didn’t want to open my eyes because I knew that it would be near impossible to go back to sleep.

I turned over under the sheets now edging closer towards full awareness of my surroundings. I could feel myself stuck in a line towards consciousness like a rapidly moving line at the DMV (Department of Motor Vehicles) but you didn’t have all your documents yet because your dad was bringing them from the car.

I finally gave in as I kicked out in frustration and opened up. I could hear her at the door getting the food from the maid. She walked towards me with the tray of food that had two pancakes, four apple sausage links, scrambled eggs, home fries and a glass of orange juice. She had a smile on her face as she said

“you didn’t want to wake up huh?

I hope I didn’t wake you up”

I shook my head as I slowly began to smile. She knew how to take care of me and make me feel at home and loved. I just wanted to reach over and hug her. She placed the tray on my lap as I straightened up to eat. She placed a kiss on my cheeks and walked away to sit by her dresser at the foot of the bed. She sat in front of the mirror and began to tidy things on the dresser while I ate.

I asked her,

“So what do you want to do today”

as I munched down on my home fries.

She didn’t turn around as she began speaking, just looking at me through the mirror.

“Not much actually, I’m expecting my doctor later this afternoon at about 2 and that’s it.”

I looked up with a concerned look and swallowed the last bit of food in my mouth before responding to her. I said,


in a prompting tone subtly demanding more information from her.

She smiled and turned around. Now facing me, she said,

“Don’t worry it’s just the personal doctor coming to do my usual check up and blood work.”

I looked at her still not sure whether to believe her or not. I asked,

“are you sure?”

she maintained her smile and nodded. I had to trust her but I closed off by making her promise to tell me if anything was wrong. She agreed.

I looked up at the clock and it was about 11am. I didn’t have that much time left before I had to get back home.

“Well, I guess we should both start getting ready then?”

She agreed and said,

“Whenever you’re ready the driver will drop you off at the airport and I already took care of the money situation in your bag”

I thanked her as I came up behind her and gave her a hug and a kiss. I headed into the bathroom and turned on the shower. I stood in front of the mirror and right then, I almost began to judge myself but I shook the thought out of my head. I bent down to feel the water filling the tub; it was at the temperature I wanted. I stepped into the tub and pulled the shower lever. The first few drops of water that sprayed out were cold and then it warmed up. It was a long soothing shower and my brain wandered.

I came out and walked into the bedroom with a towel around my waist. Ms Annette scanned me from top to bottom from the sofa she was sitting on in the corner of the room and said,

“Have you been working out?”

I figured she was just trying to flatter me but I was willing to play along. I looked down at my naked chest and responded

“A lil bit. Is it showing?”

She smiled and motioned me towards her.

I pulled my briefs and then pants on as she commented on how long my legs were. I was about to put a shirt on when she asked me not to. I beamed as I walked over and sat next to her. She pulled out the UnGame and asked that we play it together to know each other. You picked a card with a question that you asked the other person. It was actually pretty fun and we played it till it was time for me to head to the airport. I was sad to leave as I almost always was but she hugged me and asked me,

“Can you come next weekend too?”

I immediately shook my head and said

“Remember I have the…”

“Oh, you’re taking your girl friend out. Never mind. How about the weekend after?”

I nodded and said,

“Than can be arranged.”

She reminded me to just text her assistant to finalize the arrangements as I sat down in the back of her SUV. The driver barely talked during the drive to the airport. I pulled out my phone and texted Sofia, who was still upset with me for not spending the night over the last time, to ask if she was still picking me up from the airport.

And then I started to wonder how I got to that point. How did I become this guy?

I asked that question as I looked at the $100 dollar bills in my bag sitting next to me. Something about it felt right but extremely wrong at the same time.

It was going to be a full hour drive from the house to the airport and that sleep I hadn’t caught up on was now catching up to me. I knocked my head back as I began to think about how I even got to know her.

.     .     .       .     .       .      .

 It was my fifth year in college. I was looking for a job to pay for my schooling that year as I was not offered financial aid. I was taking a fifth year because I had been pretty poor in my third year around the time my mother was diagnosed with Stage 4 ovarian cancer.

I was all out of sorts and I basically failed that year. That year was very difficult. That was the same year disaster hit my native Haiti and my mother passed. It took a lot of soul searching and putting things into perspective but I bounced back and came back stronger after everything.

I was offered a job as a server for a catering company and my first job was the memorial and anniversary of Ms. Annette’s husbands passing. There was a clinic that was being named after him by the city as part of the anniversary of his passing. He was pretty involved in the community. I was assigned to serve the high table where Ms. Annette was sitting next to the some senators and the commissioner.

I was extremely nervous and I was messing up the orders. It was my first gig!

I was coming up to her table and I noticed her get up. This woman had a body on her. Still in her early forties, she maintained a healthy diet and worked out regularly from yoga to 6 mile hikes on Saturdays.

I didn’t realize that she saw the expression on my face as I noticed her getting up. Her ass caused me to accidentally say something. She noticed it but didn’t say anything. As the party wrapped up, I was placing the last of the desserts on the table when she slid a paper with her confidential number on it and asked that I called her. I obviously could not turn her down. I was even more worried but she was mad cool. And the rest of it they say is history.

I single handedly paid my way through school and got my Master’s with her financial support. She basically took me on and helped me as I helped her out.

I heard my name,

“Mr Cristian… Mr Cristian…” 

I lifted my head and looked outside the window. I was in front of the airport.

.     .       .       .       .


The week breezed by pretty quickly. Friday night came quickly and I arrived to pick up Danielle. I was actually the one late this time. She was a bit upset but I joked about it and apologized.

We headed into the city; the plan was to get a light dinner and then head to this club opening. Dinner was relatively chill as we caught up on each other’s week. She asked for my help battling a paper that she was working on for school with the outrageous amount of reading she had to do. I felt for her and agreed to help. We left dinner at Culinary Dropout a food truck turned restaurant and headed for the club with me driving.

I pulled up the club and noticed there was no line. I pulled over to the side and went on my phone to get more information. I realized while doing so that Danielle with her perfect eye sight had noticed that I got the opening days wrong and it was actually opening the following weekend. I was irritated but we decided to find another place. The next place we went to was completely packed and then a fight broke out.

Trying to salvage the night, we decided to head to a strip club. When we arrived, I noticed a lot of the men staring at Danielle’s ass. I thought it was flattering that she had the ass of a stripper but she felt insulted like they thought less of her.

I wanted to sit at the back of the viewing area at the strip club but Danielle wanted us to sit up close and took us all the way to the front!

I had been to strip clubs before and I knew they were going to pick on us eventually and I was right. Only a few minutes after sitting down, the stripper climbed down the pole and headed for me. She pulled me onto the platform and then pulled Danielle after. Twerking all over both of us, I couldn’t stop laughing trying to hide how horrified I was. She let us go a few minutes later.

I sat back in my seat and wondered what else the night had for us.

We left there shortly after spraying all our dollar bills.

We were driving back and she thought I would be taking her back to my place as she held my hand and said,

“I had a great time tonight baby”

I smiled and told her she was welcome. I asked her what she wanted to eat and while she was trying to decide, I kept on driving. I drove past the exit to my place and she didn’t even notice till I was in front of the place where she wanted to eat. We pulled into the drive thru and ordered our food. She was very particular about her choice of sauce and fries. Minutes later we received our order, I was eager to drive off and then she realized that she didn’t have the fries she paid for in her order.

I stress how particular she was about her food and her fries, so we had to go back and get them again. Waiting in front of the restaurant for them to bring out our food, it took about twenty minutes where I just sat there frustrated and wondering why I could not get this woman to budge on her eating choices since I met her.

We finally headed out of the parking lot and I started driving towards the hotel. I pulled into the hotel parking lot a few minutes later and she smiled at me. The surprise was finally out and she was smiling as she stuffed her last few fries in her mouth.

There was a young white lady with two big African American men also checking in. I joked that she was a pornstar with these huge men about to do things to her all night. Danielle smacked me hard on my shoulder and said she would be my private porn star as we laughed and walked into the hotel. We took the elevator where I stood next to her. She began smiling and I asked her why. She replied that she knew how I felt about elevators and was worried I would devour her there. I told her I had bigger plans for her only if she would come to the throne as we walked out of the elevator.

YOU!!!! Yes, YOU that you don’t comment. I see you reading. COMMENT at the end. 30 COMMENTS and you get BLURRED 3. DO IT! Oya please now… 😞 

Arriving at the door, her beautiful smile got bigger and bigger. She couldn’t stop beaming now. It was like she was getting a pair of her favorite shoes hand delivered to her. She just looked so happy.

She walked into the candle lit room with slow instrumentals playing in the background. Everything was set up before she arrived. She turned and said,

“when did you set all this up?”

I smiled back with that cocky “I do this” smile. I told her not to worry about that. She knew how into details I was and making her feel special was all that mattered. I walked to the refrigerator and pulled out a bottle of wine while she sat down on the bed still smiling hard and repeatedly scanning the room. I poured out the wine into glasses as I handed hers to her. I walked to the bathroom and turned the bath on filling it with bubbles so she could soak in it. I stopped by the sink and washed the strawberries and then I headed to the refrigerator again to pull out a small bowl with melted chocolate in it. I had bought two bags of her favorite kind of chocolate Reese’s Peanut butter cups and melted them into the bowl.

She didn’t fancy any other kinds of chocolate covered whatever, so I decided to make it a point to use her favorite. I placed the bowl and the strawberries next to each other. She was tired of waiting and pulled me in by my belt from behind and wanted to start kissing me. She got the first few kisses in before I pulled away and asked her to be patient. I went back to the tub to make sure that the water was just right. It was, so I turned it off.

When I returned to the room, I noticed that she was on her phone. I jokingly said,

“no phones allowed here ma’am”

referring to our night at the strip club. She looked up and her smile wasn’t as bright. She said,

“I have to check on Dylan at my mom’s”

I nodded. It made sense. She had been out all night and had barely checked in because he was at her mother’s house. At least he was supposed to get dropped off there.

I kissed her on her forehead and said,

“you check on Dylan while I make this phone call”

I stepped outside the room into the hallway and called Ms. Annette. There was no response. She had called me twice during the night on my personal phone and not the “work” number I had given her. I was slightly worried. Miss Annette always answered my calls. And she never got back to me regarding her visit with her doctor. Was something badly wrong?

I turned to head back into the hotel room and realized I had failed to grab the key. I knocked gently on the door and Danielle walked up to open. She opened the door and immediately turned around. She walked back to the bed and sad down with her head down, visibly upset. I walked up to her and sat down next to her.

“What’s wrong baby?”

her head dropped even further. I was confused. With this romantic setting I had laid out for her, something was going to ruin it? I couldn’t take that. I asked again,

“talk to me baby. What happened? Everything okay with Dylan”

she shook her head and you could feel the sadness in her voice as she said,

“No. James didn’t bring him to my mom’s house. She said that he told her he wasn’t going to bring him”

I wrapped my hands around her and didn’t say a word. Sometimes that’s the best you can do for the people you love. She still had her head down and then she started talking.

“I’m just tired. I’ve been dealing with this with him for 5 years. He bullies me and uses my son to punish me because he has custody. I haven’t even done anything to him. Why does he hate me so much? I’m just tired. I’m tired.”

I said nothing, just gently rubbing her back and holding her close. I knew if I said anything, she could easily begin to cry and I did not want that. And then she began to personalize the trauma she faced with her son’s father James, on me and our relationship.

She abruptly tried to get up and start packing her stuff to leave saying,

“I can’t do this Cristian, I’m sorry but I can’t put my heart on the line again. It will be a deadly day if it gets broken. I just can’t. Men just seem to want to break me always and I don’t deserve this. I can’t do this. I can’t”

she was in the motion of getting up when I threw my hands around her and pulled her close. I stood up with my left hand brushing down her hair and my right hand firmly around her waist preventing her from leaving. I loved this woman and I wasn’t trying to hurt her.


Baby Answer by Runtown

“I’m not him. And baby, I’m not saying I won’t hurt you in some way but it will never be intentional and I will do everything in my power to make sure that you don’t go through what you went through before again. I can promise you that”

her head was tucked between my biceps as she stayed silent sobbing quietly. Now any man that tells you he won’t hurt you is a liar. We almost end up finding a way to but it’s somewhat easier when it’s not intentional and you have a man striving daily to be everything and more for you. I gently stepped back from her and I made eye contact and said

“Will you let me love you like no one ever has baby?”

she looked into my eyes and gently nodded.

She stepped forward and kissed me on my lips and then she stepped back and said

“take my clothes off”

I quietly obeyed as I stepped up and turned her around slowly and I began to pull the zipper on her dress downwards and my lips kissed from the back of her nappy edges behind her head down her back. With every inch I pulled down, I placed a kiss to mark my presence. The dress was now sitting on her waist as I unlatched her bra and it dropped to the floor. I got in front of her and kissed her collarbone down the middle of her chest between her breasts. I kissed her lips as she pulled her panties and the dress down to her ankles. I turned her sideways and lifted her up like a bride. I headed for the bathroom and I carefully placed her in the soapy tub filled with water. I walked back and grabbed the strawberries, chocolate and our glasses of wine. I joined her in the tub and we looked at each other for a minute. I knew she loved me but she was scared, hurt and uncertain about the future. I was confident she knew how much I loved her and I hoped she’d love me enough to finally figure it all out.

I fed her one strawberry covered in chocolate after the other. She absolutely loved it and asked me,

“Are those Reese’s?“

I nodded. She smiled and placed one covered with chocolate halfway in my mouth and came forward. Straddling me, she lowered her lips on to mine, prompting me to bite the strawberry out of her mouth. I reached up and bit the strawberry out of her mouth and I was about to close my mouth when I felt her tongue invade my mouth.

I was startled and I thought to myself, it was either the alcohol was kicking in or she was about to show me something bad. She began sucking on my bottom lip hard. I kissed her right back. We stayed in the shower kissing and holding on to each other before standing to wash off.


I walked behind her as she entered the room again. She motioned at me to join her on the bed as she lay on her back. Legs spread apart, it was my call to come and feast. I climbed on the bed and moved in slowly with a piercing look in my eyes. There was no kissing from her ankles or her inner thighs. I went straight for the kill; her lips on my lips. They were warm, wet and smelled like roses from the shower. There was something about wanting to show her that I loved her. Communicating that through our bodies at that moment. I was gentle as I controlled the flicker of my tongue as I worked it from up to down, left to right without losing any areas. It was my plan to cover every inch of her wetness and suck it dry as she continued to drip onto my tongue.

I could feel her legs start to shake as I held them up in the air. I held them up as my tongue stayed afloat and tried not to drown. I could feel her cum on my lips as her breathing dropped and she begged me to stop. I obliged and moved up.

Slowly lowering my waiting member into her, I maintained eye contact they whole way. It was slow. It was sensual. It was connective.

I could feel her heartbeat on my chest as I thrust in and out. I cannot begin to explain how amazing her body felt but there was something about this woman. Her person. Her body. Her smile.

The pace never picked up significantly. It was very slow and controlled. We locked eyes and never let go of each other. Her nails digging into my back as she moaned and held me close. I did not want her to let go and I wasn’t planning on letting her go either. I was hoping that no matter what life threw at me or at us, we would stay strong. I thought about all our struggles and fears as I imagined our wedding day speech and how it would be a great day as we stood together stronger from all our trials.

I looked into her eyes as I maintained my thrusting motion and said,

“Danielle, I love you”

She responded with a soft

“I love you too Cristian”

I would reach my climax shortly after, her voice had that effect on me. I lay next to her naked as she placed her head on my chest. We said nothing to each other. I think all that had to be shared had been conveyed without many words.

I had my right hand running around her back and I began to wander into my thoughts.

Did I truly believe that I could love this woman like she needed me to?

She had been through so much.


James’ family had put her through hell since she got pregnant for him 6years ago and decided to keep the baby. They claimed she was trying to hurt the political campaign of his father who was running for State Controller that year. And since the birth of Dylan, when James got full custody, he has made her life hell.

At the time of Dylan’s birth, she tested positive for Meth, which happened to be James’ preferred drug choice at the time. He had gotten her on to it but she was the one punished for it. His family pushed for full custody claiming she was unable to raise the child safely. She was awarded some visitation hours at her house.

Since then it had been one battle or another with James from her visitation hours to him choosing to not bring Dylan to her sometimes. It was taking its toll on Danielle who had taken time off school sometime back because it was all too much.

Danielle had at many times tried to get the court to see how James was treating her and award her at least joint custody but her appeals were denied time and time again. It was now starting to get to me too. I couldn’t stand to see the woman I loved hurting.

I looked down at her, her mouth was open and she was snoring away. I leaned in and kissed her on the forehead.


Sleep came.


I woke up slowly the next morning and Danielle wasn’t in the bed. I called out her name. Nothing.

I looked in the bathroom and she was gone. I reached for my phone. I turned it over.

8 missed calls. All from Miss Annette.

I looked on the bedside table for my car keys. They were gone.



The End

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Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

Lookout for part 3 of the Blurred series; on Saturday. #WordsofWednesday midweek. 

© 2014 #WhatTheHeckMan

#WordsofWednesday · Uncategorized




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You’ll only regret it when I get heartbroken 


Photograph by Ed Sheeran

When we started it was you

When I had you

My dreams came true

Step by step

I fell for you

Before I knew it

My world was only you

Soon you became the reasons for my smile

Whenever I came around you

My self-doubt died

We grew closer and closer

Attention from other folks

I told them not to bother

Our love grew stronger

My heart grew fonder

All I wanted was you

All I saw when I looked at me was you

Even now the mirror got smeared

The picture tainted

We began to fight instead

I could look at you and want peace

But slowly we became selfish

Nobody really gave a shit

Time and time again

We claimed to put each other first

Fact of the matter is

We’re innately selfish wanted out agendas


Zone to a time when I held my tongue

There was a time when our love was so strong

We feared no one

Now we’re getting ready for a wedding

And can’t agree on our song

We’ve changed

The things about myself I used to see in you

I now hate

Your feelings of sadness

Choose to not engage or relate

Now you can’t stand me

You don’t even want the free food on our date

Zeal to be better

You used to forgive

I used to forget

Now you’re sitting all alone

Full of regret

Our fights lasted a day

Now I’m out picking my mail

And we haven’t spoken for two Saturdays

My heart aches

Sleepless nights and regular headaches

I miss you

But I’m too stubborn to admit

That I need you

You know I love you

But whenever you upset me now

I want nothing to do with you

I have one foot out of the door

I complain and I don’t put in any effort

Not enough

Not anymore

My heart is sore

And I don’t want to cry or argue anymore

But I’m stuck on you

I’m in love with you

I want no one but you

But why do you want to leave me so much

When you know you’re the only reflection that true

You love me

But you don’t truly forgive me

You say mean things to me

You only remember the hurt I’ve made you feel


You’re the reflection of me

When I’m happy you are too

When I’m sad

Now It’s because of you

Petty arguments you let divide us

Fights are what define us

If you wanted and truly loved me

You’ll wake up

Now paper over the cracks with make up

You make me happy

But why is it that you want to leave this

So eagerly

Our mirror is cracking

I can no longer see me

My vision is blurred

I can hardly see “we”

I wrote the reflection thinking about you. Yes you.

I was thinking about relationships and how a partner begins to reflect you. You both come into as “individuals” and slowly over time, you become closer and closer. You begin to share experiences, dreams, views and then before you know it, the person becomes a reflection of you. You used to enjoy watching your shows alone but then you meet them and now you have more fun enjoying it with them. You used to buy shoes and clothes by yourself but now all of a sudden, the ones he buys for you carry so much more value.

You were always a go-getter but now you are thrilled by the prospect of building and empire with your partner.

Without consciously asking you or requesting permission, they become your reflection. You go out without your partner and they don’t ask how you’re doing. They ask “how/where is so so and so?”. Completely ignoring your identity. Believe it or not, it’s because they have merged you two into one because you know reflect each other.

Over time the arguments get longer. Pettier.

You used to want to make up that night and you couldn’t imagine your partner mad at you. Now there is a lot of “I don’t care”, “Why am I still here?”

I know a woman who has broken up with her boyfriend 22times!!!! There are deeper issues there but let’s focus on the task at hand instead.

It’s because you’ve forgotten. You’ve forgotten that your partner is a reflection of you. How many of you can lay in bed next to raging partner and be at ease?

When your boyfriend has a long day at work that stresses him, he comes home unhappy. You become his source of happiness pulling from the things that he has shared with you that makes him happy.

You couldn’t stand to see your woman cry before, now she’s in tears and you act cold. Because you have forgotten how much the happiness you derive from her being happy and what it means to you.

Why do we do that? To our best friends, to our parents, to our partners.

Why do we discount the relationships and act like we don’t care anymore?

Especially when we really do. Do not lose the value of the people that love you. Do not forget how much of yourself reflects through them.

I ask you today to be slow to anger, be quick to remember what it is about them that you love. Remember what it is that made you one. Friends, lovers, life partners. Do you think they’ve changed? Honestly, it’s almost always because some element of you has changed too. Have you changed?

I noticed in my relationships that I changed, certain factors influence me and then I start to act out. I start to pull back or not give enough effort. But I sometimes have to check myself.

Are you the same “base” of the person you were when y’all became friends? Lovers?

What do you now reflect?

Who do u need to call? What do you need to fix?

Any relationships hanging in the balance that you have to fix? Don’t stay angry. Fix it. Or at least clean the mirror. Help both of you see a clear picture

Love them and communicate, don’t lose something you truly love. All that comes next is regret.


The End

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Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

Lookout for part 2 of Blurred; this Saturday.

© 2014 #WhatTheHeckMan

Art · Drama · Erotica · Fiction · Life · Poetry · Sex




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You’ll only regret it when I get heartbroken 


Freevybe by Yung L

The door buzzed.

There was a short pause as I waited for a response. Nothing


I clamped my finger on the button. Another short pause as I looked around.

The door opened and I let myself in. There was no hug, no welcome hi. There was no conversation about how my day was. She was smoking and drinking as usual. She barely said anything and I really didn’t mind either.

She walked towards her dining area, head first into the curtain of beads. The dining area was poorly lit. It smelled of smoke and alcohol. I watched her trudge away in her white lace panties, crop top and high heels puffing her weed.

She disappeared behind the curtain and I returned to scanning the room. It smelled messy but was actually pretty organized.

She called out from the other room,

“How much ya need boi?”

in her imposing Jamaican accent.

“Five G’s is good”

She returned a few seconds later and handed a Ziploc bag to me. It was cold and hard. I turned it over and dusted some off the flakes of ice on it.

I leaned in and gave her a hug. She gave me a kiss on my cheek as I turned and left.

Rosie was my accountant. Not in the sense that you think but she basically held my money for me. I had two jobs, one that I documented and the other for my company that I kept private, saving all my money with her. Rosie had a huge deep freezer in her apartment where she kept bags of cash.

Now in her late thirties, she was a certified accountant back in Jamaica before life brought her down to Oakland. Our paths crossed and she became one of my closest allies. Apart from my money staying safe with her, our lines crossed far deeper than the money. I opened up my coat and stuck the money in there.
It was five thousand dollars in cash.

I headed out and started walking down the street. My car was parked 2 miles down the road.

The night was cold. The streets were empty. I began to get caught in my thoughts. Repeatedly turning around to ensure that I wasn’t being followed or about to be robbed. I was definitely sticking out like a sore thumb in my suit and pea coat walking through the streets of East Oakland.

I pulled out two pieces of gum and placed them in my mouth. I threw the wrappers on the ground and looked up. I noticed a man unstably riding his bicycle down the road towards me and chanting something. He was clearly drunk.

It didn’t take long before he crashed hard into a tree. I was about a block away from him on his side of the street and unsure of whether he would attack me when I got close to him. So I moved over to the other side of the street; basically jaywalking.

I arrived on the other side and noticed a young lady walking towards me. She looked great.

Tight short black dress with heels on, she had her hands folded because of the cold and continued to walk towards me. Shortly we passed each other. She smelled good. Like summer flowers. It was pleasant to take in. I turned around to get a glimpse of her backside as she continued on straight ahead in the opposite direction as me.

I was now about a 100 yards away from my car when I saw a police car zoom right past me and towards her. I turned around and watched the police car turn around too and after a short conversation, the lady got into the car. I thought to myself, she didn’t look like she was being arrested. Maybe she was an undercover police officer or something.

I really didn’t care. I just wanted to get into my car and out of this neighborhood.

I had been coming here every month for a year but it didn’t stop me from being nervous every time I came over.

I finally arrived at my car and got in. I pushed the start button without putting my foot on the brake, which prevented it from starting. The dashboard lit up and the clock said 12:23am.

I had somewhere I needed to be and that thought fired up my mind.

My dick started throbbing.

I had to get that thought out of my mind. I didn’t want to get pleasure from this. No, I didn’t want to but it seemed like I was going to.

.     .     .     .       .     .

 “Ungh! Ungh! Ungh!”

I let out the last few grunts as I slumped over next to her. I began to take deep breaths in to catch up as I pulled the condom off my shriveling member. I walked over to the bathroom and pulled out a piece of toilet paper and rolled up the condom into it and threw it into the toilet. I hit the flush lever and it disappeared into the underworld.

I pulled out a white towel from a stack and dampened it with some water from the tap. I proceeded to use the towel to clean my member up from the base to the head. I looked at myself in the mirror and then I walked into the room. I pulled my pants off the chair and I slid them on.

I looked at her as she lay in the bed looking at me while half of her body hid under the sheets. I knew she was about to say something and she did.

“You’re not gonna stay?”

I looked at her confused. She knew the drill. I never stayed over. I focused on my socks and then back at her before I replied,

“No, I’m not staying. I have work tomorrow”

She rolled her eyes and said,

“You can go to work from here. It’s probably because of your little girlfriend anyway.”

I thought to myself “women, are such confusing people before replying,

“you know you can say her name right?”

She chimed back,

“I’m never going to say her name.”

I sighed as I fixed my tie and said,

“suit yourself. I’m leaving. I’ll text you later”

She didn’t respond till I was out the door. I heard her call out my name


I knew she was upset but I couldn’t care less. It was a transaction. I carried out my part and it came with no perks so I wasn’t going to go out of my way for her. She knew that.

It was a Sunday night and I had a full week ahead of me. Too much to worry about than an expired nut.

.     .     .     .     .     .

Monday mornings were always hectic for me. From staff meetings to my weekly supervision with my supervisor; it was a long day for me. And the struggle was one I dealt with every week. I had just stepped out of my supervision meeting with my supervisor and back into my office. I sat in my chair behind my desk and watched my co worker Lisa walking out of another colleagues office. She had on a tight black pencil skirt that sat barely above her knees with an equally tight black blouse that complimented her shape and her skin tone. I had always wanted to fuck the shit out of her and I watched her walk towards her office; I felt a twinge between my legs.

I licked my lips and moved my mouse to light up my computer screen. I was still thinking about Lisa’s thigh when Scott the only other male staff with more seniority than me knocked on my door and then stuck his head in before I could answer. He smiled and said,

“What The Heck Man?! You can’t text back now? Just kidding!

Anyways, are you coming out with us tonight?”

I shook my head and said,

 “Nah bro, I got plans already”

He nodded.

“For sure, for sure. Maybe next time”

he said as he closed the door and walked away.

I rolled my eyes sighed heavily. I wasn’t trying to blow off my co workers I was just not in the place to do that. It felt like I was blowing everyone off. I picked up my phone and looked at my phone. I still hadn’t responded to Danielle’s text from earlier in the day. I replied and asked her if she had class that night since she had class on Mondays and Thursdays.


The Box by Tay 

This was the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I knew she knew it but we just couldn’t. Our families didn’t really get along and I was still trying to maximize my time as a single young man before settling down. My mother wasn’t particularly fond of her because she had a 5year old son; Dylan. The cutest young man I had ever met. I just always wanted to love the lad and be there for his mother but different factors just seemed to hold us back. My biggest fear was that some man would swoop in and take her away from me while I was setting myself up to marry her. I worried about the regret that would fill me with and it had happened once, where another man had turned her head.

She was caring and had a beautiful smile. It literally lit up my world as I battled depression and contemplated a career change. She just seemed to understand me. I loved being around her. Everything about her turned me on.
Her voice, her drive, her walk, even the way she got angry sometimes made me to just want to pounce on her and feast on her body till she calmed down. Even though her temper could be very explosive. I guess it’s something about the pretty ones.

I looked up at the clock and it was almost six thirty. I didn’t need to be there that late but I was waiting to avoid traffic. Driving to her parent’s house was always a drive during traffic hours. I picked up the phone and called her and told her I just left the office and I was going to be there in about 30 minutes.

The drive there wasn’t actually that bad. I was bumping some of tracks off the new PND album. I was driving when I got a picture message on my phone. It was a picture of her and a message followed saying,

“I can’t wait to be in your arms”

Now texting and driving is dangerous, but I just had to respond to her. I pointed out to her that I wanted to do crazy things to her but it was her parent’s house and her ailing grandfather lived in the home with her parents. It was almost impossible. It wasn’t to say that we hadn’t done unthinkable things in her family home with her parents right above us but at this time of day, it was hard to do.

I pulled up a few minutes later and parked a couple of houses down from hers. Her siblings were cool with me but her parents like I said, still felt uncomfortable even though they let me in their house. I think the animosity was just directed towards the parents on both sides.

She walked out of the house towards me. She just looked like “chocolate money”. I was not entirely sure how that phrase came into my head but I said it to her and she burst out laughing. Even her teeth were perfect. I swear I just always wanted to take a bite of her. Having her just made me feel warm inside but at the same time very nervous.

I had known her for 8 years when my family first moved to the neighborhood and I met her through my best friend. We became really close and she was at the time dating someone in the army.

I never wanted to risk getting shot so I didn’t really push for her to be with me but over time we developed feelings for each other and then she pulled away from me. She was trying to do the right thing and not cheat on her boyfriend.

I waited my time till they broke up before I expressed my feelings for her vocally. She would then make me work hard to get her even though she knew that I wanted her the whole time.

It was one of fairytale buildups to relationships, from friends to lovers and we truly loved each other. We had some bumps over time from worrying about the other cheating to distractions, to even our over-involved families but we worked through each one.

There we were as nightfall covered my car and the streetlights went on. I was kissing her passionately and with my left hand slowly climbing up her skirt.

A car drove by and she became concerned. It was her neighbor’s car.

She asked that we move from where we were. I started the car as I tried to hide my erection and began to drive to search for a place where we could complete the act. She was smiling from the corner of her soft lips as she leaned over and unzipped my pants. She took my risen member into her left hand and began to stroke. I was desperately searching for a place where I could just get up and devour this woman. No open areas. The places where we used to have sex were either being developed or currently occupied by other people doing things in their cars.

I was driving around and then I said jokingly,

“how cool would it be if we had sex in an empty container?”

referring to those of the construction workers on the side of the closed off street. She disagreed and pointed out that anything from snakes to jack rabbits could be lodging in those containers and it was not worth risking our lives over. I looked at her, now with a big smile on her face and her teeth visibly showing as she said,

“I wonder how it’ll be to have sex in an empty unfurnished house on a brand new carpet”

My hardened dick was still in her hand and it immediately got stiffer.

She smiled as she stroked it with her left hand and said,

“I know he’ll like that”

addressing the throbbing monster between my legs that wanted to ravage her. I was reluctant to do it and for me a man who had great sexual urges, that was hard to turn down. I said to her,

“you know I’m going to take you in there and give it to you hard right?”

She smiled and wanting to challenge me, she said,


I pulled the car over and pulled my manhood back into my pants and went on to explore the uncompleted homes. On the third one, the door was wide open and I motioned to her to come and join me. She got into the house as I scanned it with the flashlight app on my phone that I’d just downloaded before walking in. After making sure the bottom level of the house was clear, we were good to go.

I turned to her and noticed that she now looked nervous.

“what if somebody catches us?”

I smiled and pulled her close. Squeezing her right butt cheek with my left hand I joked,

“At least they can’t charge us with breaking and entry as the door was wide open”

before I planted a warm kiss on her lips. Her lips were so soft and inviting. I pulled her in closer as I bent down so my 6’2 frame could align with her arguable 5’5 body. She never wants to agree with the doctors regarding her height as she believes she’s taller.

I was getting ready and I wanted to taste her other lips. I turned around and noticed the floor was unfinished so we were either going to do the whole thing standing or I had to walk back to my car and grab the blanket sitting in my trunk.

I scanned the room once more and noticed the door of the living room leaning up against the walls with no hinges. I lifted the door off the wall and placed it on the floor quietly. I removed my shirt as she pulled up her skirt and I placed it over the door and asked her to get on it.

She immediately got into her favorite position. I took my place behind her as I got on my knees. I could feel how soft her body was as I ran my hands over her perfectly shaped ass which I had been privileged to watch grow over the last few years. I licked my lips and parted her cheeks as my tongue went in one swipe from bottom to top grazing over her clit and stopping right before her other hole. I swept the first flow of wetness that was waiting for me. I began to make love to her lips prying them open like a crowbar as I searched for more of her wetness. It was hard to define what she tasted like but it felt good. Kind of like explaining your favorite ice cream to someone and they don’t get why you think it’s so great but you know it’s the best you’ve ever had.

She was wet. She was really wet.

I bit her gently on the flesh between her thighs and her lower lips. It was so that every time she walked for the next few days, she would remember what I did. I continued to nibble on her clit as she moaned uncontrollably begging me to stop but she knew better. She had at many times called me a bedroom bully and I loved my title because I wouldn’t stop until she tapped out with pleasure. The drive was deeper as I felt free wetness drip out of her. It was fantastic to lap up as she grabbed the head of the door. Her juices were now choking me. Not in my throat or lungs but my nose. My nostrils were trapped in all her wetness that it made it hard to breath. I continued to lick her clit from left to right uncontrollably while her ass and her entire body shook uncontrollably as she was about to cum. I finally satisfied my thirst and I rose up. Slowly sliding into her, she turned around as moaned looking at me like I wasn’t being fair.

I grabbed her waist and pressed her back down and began to stroke. In and out, in and out just as she liked it and then she said,


I was startled and immediately said,

 “What’s going on? What did I do?”

 “Nothing. Just don’t touch me”

 She replied.

I was still confused and then she started to back it up slowly. There was a level of control she had and that sexy look on her face did not help my resistance either. She was fucking me and I loved it.

I tried to cheat and gently placed my hand on her back and she turned and said,

“don’t fucking touch me. Put your hands on your head”

That was my woman. Her control was sexy. I reluctantly obeyed knowing fully well that if she kept on going at that pace, it was only a matter of time before I let out my full load. I was now the one moaning louder than she was. It felt that good. She kept on going turning her back to make sure I was not trying to touch her like a sprinter making sure their opponent never won the race while they slowed down before the finish line.

I could feel her juices trickle onto my balls as the smacked into her clit. I needed to touch this woman. I leaned forward as she continued to work me and then in her softest voice she said,

“you want to touch me?”

Like my balls were being squeezed to pain, I responded,


she smiled and said

“you can touch me now”

That was all I needed to hear. I grabbed her waist pushed her back downwards arching it up towards me. My thrusts were hard, almost like I was angry but I wasn’t. She had worked me good and I was about to explode but I wanted her to feel every inch of me before I did.

I pulled her hair as she moaned into the empty house and cupped her left breast with my left hand and I squeezed tighter. I continued pounding. She knew I was about to let it all loose and said,

“you gonna cum for me baby? Are you.. gonna give me all that hot cum on my ass…?”

She didn’t get another chance to finish her thought as I pulled out and sprayed my seed all over bouncing ass. It felt sooo good. It was by far one of the best of those I had gotten in a long while.

I leaned forward again and kissed her back as I pulled out. I got up as she caught her breath and I panted. We slowly put our clothes on and continued to smile at each other like nothing had happened.

We arrived at my car and I started heading back to her house. We laughed about how crazy we were and how we could have gotten caught. I parked in front of her house as we talked and I clicked the button that prevented the inner cabin lights of the car from going off when the door was opened.

I asked her what she was going to be doing for the rest of the night. She mentioned that her mother wanted her to make a big steak omelet for her and she was going to her brother’s apartment later to pick up something he had gotten her from the store.

We talked a bit more before I told her not to make plans for the following weekend. She as usual asked me to share the surprise with her but she knew I wasn’t going to. I refused and kissed her goodnight as she pouted trying to guilt trip me into telling her.

I started the car and looked at the time. It was just after nine and I was tired. I yawned as I thought of the drive home even though I only lived twenty minutes away. I could feel my body still awake from the activities I had just gotten into. All I wanted to do was get some dinner, hit the showers and get some sleep as I pulled into my driveway.

I was about to get out of the car when it hit me. I couldn’t feel it.

I thought I had forgotten it. I tapped the chest pockets of my blazer. I felt my phone but not it.

I felt behind me down to my butt. I felt my wallet in my right back pocket just as my left hand grazed over it. I pulled it out. I placed it on my left thigh and reached for my small black bag under the seat of the passenger’s side which was filled with some more bags of weed. I was coming back up when my phone rang. It was an unknown number.

I took a deep breath and answered,

 “Hey sweetheart. How are you?”

The familiar voice on the other side said. It was Annette. Miss Annette to be exact.

 “Ummm I’m okay, how are you?”

I reluctantly responded,

“I’m okay” 

she said and continued.,

“I’ll be much better this weekend. $7,000 for the weekend?” 

I nodded as I accompanied it with a,

“Yes. I can do that. Text the location to the usual number”

I was filled with regret as I thought about Danielle and considered not doing it for a quick second but this was my life. It was all I knew. I couldn’t pull out then. I wasn’t sure I could ever pull out. Something got me hooked and I couldn’t tell anyone.

Hold your hats. Get the tissue boxes. Blurred is going to be an emotional rollercoaster. Are you READY???

Blurred Audio Version. DOWNLOAD


The End

Follow @adewus4real

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

Lookout for part 2 of Blurred; this Saturday.

© 2014 #WhatTheHeckMan

#WordsofWednesday · Art · Drama · Life · Poetry · Uncategorized

Think With Me

So take a break from what you’re doing for a second and Think With Me. Here’s brief insight into the mind of #WhatTheHeckMan’s guest writer Dr. K aka @bmorenigerian Follow @bmorenigerian on Twitter. It got me thinking and I’m curious to find out what you’re thinking… so hey, would you “Think With Me”

Swim Good by Frank Ocean

Here’s Dr. K

So I was having a dope iMessage conversation with an old friend I respect. She’s a huge woman’s rights activist in the DMV & great at what she does. In the midst of our conversation, she asked, “Kay, give me your honest, professional opinion of how you feel about a man hitting a woman? Do you agree with lifetime bans? ”
We’ve already established that hitting is a no-no. The abuser is completely wrong & should deal with the consequences to his stupidity. (Wow, I said “his”. Hmm). In my reply, I questioned why we immediately condemn everyone, without giving opportunities for rehabilitation… & I addressed a little bit of society’s hypocrisy.
Don’t kill me, please. This is me losing my blogpost virginity.

Here’s my response to a friend:

I challenge myself to understand others, & not immediately condemn actions. And even doing that & saying this, there are still things I feel are reprehensible…especially when it comes to the violation of others. I can’t stand preying on the weak. I’ve seen it up close, & seen what it can do to someone’s psyche. Taking your frustrations out on others… It’s heinous. But it’s hard for me to give a black & white reaction in a world we know nothing really is (black & white).
The ones I DETEST are the ones that are stuck in their sick ways. The ones that don’t see the wrong or fault in the way they view women or the way they treat women, & are unwilling to get help. The ones that terrorize the weak. Deceive us that they’re great people, but are secretly performing sordid acts. One with a history of violence, repeat offenders. They sicken me. Like an addict who sees no wrong in doing drugs. Or an addict that tells you they’ve quit, but secretly shoots up. They need to be awakened & taught a lesson.
But, I think it’s ok to believe some people are open to growth, learning, & rehab. I believe you can attest to the fact that people make mistakes, especially when inebriated (benefit of the doubt here). Some people do wholeheartedly want help. Do we abandon them at their time of need? Do you think it’s wise to throw an addict to the curb? Do you believe in punishment without showing the culprit the error of their ways? Believe it or not, not all of us grew up with the same ideals, lessons, experiences, beliefs. And how one is as an adult can be a manifestation of that upbringing that was filled with mis-education. Some need an education, a proper education. Some people only learn fire is hot by grabbing the frying pan.
Sometimes in life, you need to lose something to win. Really wish we didn’t have to go through something to grasp the magnitude of a lesson fully, but we’ve all been there; in a situation where we didn’t listen & PAID badly for finding out firsthand what everyone already warned us about, & it’s helped us grow.
If someone is willing to admit they have a problem, & are willing to genuinely get help & get better, I’m all for it. Let’s kill the cancer before it spreads further.
I think it’s ok to condemn an action & also root for a person to change their life around. I’ve seen the “hopeless” go clean, & subsequently help others turn their lives around. I’ve seen criminals discover the wrong in their behavior, learn there’s a better way to approach life, learn responsibility, change their attitude & become helpers, doctors, lawyers, pastors, heroes…upstanding citizens, publicly & privately.
I’m questioning myself as I write, because again, I feel deeply for victims of deplorable exploits, and my first thought is the death penalty. But is that really fair? Who is my sinning ass to make that call?
I don’t have all the solutions, Sway. I do think all this conversation is great though. Silver lining. We get to slowly bring attention & awareness to the bigger issue, domestic violence, including all forms of abuse. Meaning bad treatment & verbal abuse, & the damage it leaves that may not show in your IG pics. Not just DV/DA, but also our violent culture as a whole. We need to get to a point where we’re frowning at men beating men, women beating women, & even women beating men with the same level of dissatisfaction. Zero tolerance clears the blurred lines, rids scenarios & circumstances.
*Goes off topic* Is it ok for a woman to attack a man because she may have an excuse *coughs Solange*? Is it ok for women to beat on each other, & for us to find entertainment in that *coughs ratchet TV*? Are the bruises they leave on each other not as important? I get that there’s a psychological factor that makes the situation different. Getting beat up by someone who is supposed to love & protect you, is a violation of trust & safety. That’s why I mentioned that we’d hopefully get to the bigger issue one day.
*Back to the issues/questions at hand*…
Does a despicable act make you a despicable person? Can you be a “good” person & make a bad decision? Is everyone that fucks up big deserved of being judged (forever) by their past discretion? Is everyone that fucks up incapable of genuinely getting better?
Why the hell are we here if we don’t believe no one can be saved?

Think with me.
Oh by the way, while you’re saying no to second chances, could you turn that new CB album a little bit so I can hear you clearly? Also, can you be sure to post your “MCM Ochocinco” when everyone goes to bed? Wait, how much did you say those Solange tickets were again?



Engage in the conversation with feedback. How did this make you think? COMMENT!!! We’ll talk back… 

The End

Follow @bmorenigerian

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

#WordsofWednesday · Art · Life · Poetry · Uncategorized




Follow @adewus4real You’ll only regret it when I get heartbroken 


Ready Aim by Mali Music

There was a time when our dreams aligned

You and I wanted to be great

I remember when you wanted me to be your best man

I remember when you were the best man

Your drive motivated me to be a better person

But you professed that your confidence was low

It surprised me because I wanted to emulate it

I didn’t want to be you

But I wanted to be just like you


That awkward phase

We wanted the same type of women

We had the same pick up lines

We failed woefully at living beyond our years

Laughing together as we plotted our greatness

We failed to factor in life

It can change things

We fought like friends do

And made up like we were supposed to


And then life woke us up

We started to want different things

Challenges started to strain things

It took longer to make up

We disagreed within ourselves

I tried to fight you off but I couldn’t

Then slowly

My sadness turned to depression

My dreams became oppressed and drowned

My outlook was bleak

The same dreams we built together seemed to die and crumble away

I tried

I really did to hold on

But the more I pulled

The more people pulled us apart


I knew where I should be

I knew I needed to stand with you

It was you and I against the world

People talked about us

They tried to pull us down

They laughed at our dreams

They told us we could not stand tall

Some waited on us to fail

Even the same people with whom we used to pray

I began to waver

My head bowed

And I began to wonder

Maybe they were right

Maybe I wasn’t good enough

Maybe I didn’t deserve love

Maybe I couldn’t hold onto things I loved

Because I couldn’t be loved


Maybe I was just wrong


But then you spoke to me

Inside my heart

The real me

Spoke to me and reminded me

That I am talented


Beautiful beyond words

I could do this

I clutched my dreams

Held them close

I put my head up

I wasn’t going to give up

I have a purpose to fulfill

I am focused on me and my goals

My dream is to be great

To be the best version of myself

And I had to come that agreement with the real me


Over the course of time people change. Things change. Dreams change. Lives change.
From people you had similar goals with to you changing within yourself it happens. And then people get involved to pull you down and tear you apart. The backstabbers, the liars, the false lovers; they all come out. The closer you get to become the true version of who you want to be, they start to nudge and tug at you to bring you back down. Then self doubt creeps in.
all these people saying all these things about you. Certain situations start causing you to doubt yourself. People telling you that you’re unlovable and you begin to believe it. Your heart is broken too many times you don’t think you can every truly love. You fail so many times on the road to your dreams and you begin to believe you need to wake up and forget about them.

I’m here to tell you to hold on. Sometimes you can’t see it but I believe that you’re lovable. You’re great in your own way. You have to talk to yourself. No! Not the one you show the world. Not the one on social media. I need you to talk to your true self. How badly do you want this? How hard can you fight?
Life will throw everything at you from messing with your mood to even your crew. Planting the seed of doubt in your heart and making you question things.

I’m not perfect and I have doubted myself many times. I changed and thought I had to regret being a different person. Life came at me strong with depression, heartbreak and hurt but you have to keep your head up and focus on the real you. Truth is, when it’s all said and done, your happiness is your responsibility. Never let anyone take it away from you; ever.


“Know the real you. Trust the real you. Be you. Be HAPPY”

Give me feedback, please. COMMENT!!! 

The End

Follow @adewus4real

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

Lookout for new series, Hooked; this Saturday.

© 2014 #WhatTheHeckMan

Art · Drama · Erotica · Fiction · Life · Poetry · Sex · Uncategorized

Scarred 4

Scarred 4


“what happens when the lights go out?”

Follow @adewus4real You’ll only regret it when I get heartbroken 


When I woke up that morning, she was gone. I was late for work so I had to get going.
For some reason, I was just tired because the food and the sex that we had the night before had obviously conked me out. I felt groggy and sluggish. You know that feeling you get the next morning after a great session the night before. You’re smiling from ear to ear, glowing but super tired. That was me as I slumped onto my desk at work that morning.
I turned on my computer and responded to some work emails. I remembered that I had to check in for my flight the next day. It was already 24hrs before the flight so I could check in online. I remember being thankful I did not have to pay for my luggage because I was able to pack all my stuff into one bag. Tasha on the other hand was horrible at packing. She would come over to my house for the night with a minimum of four bags and even bring her own food. It was amazing and just comedic sometimes.
I remembered Tasha and picked up my phone and texted her,

“Hey you, how’s your day going?
You just bailed on me. Thanks for last night. I appreciate it”

She responded about seven minutes later saying,

“Oh babe, I’m sorry. I had an 8am meeting. I left and I didn’t want to wake you up. I even forgot to tell you there were some eggs for you in the microwave. You didn’t eat this morning huh?”

I knew she was right. I barely ate, so I elected not to respond because I knew her and I knew she would immediately get upset with me. I continued my day and texted Jules to find out what we would be doing on the day before his Sunday night dinner. His response was strange but I didn’t even think so till much later. He said,

“Oh you’re coming for real?”

I was surprised but I joked it off because I thought he was teasing because I had flaked on coming to visit him a few times. I typed back,

“Of course, I’m coming bro. It’s your big night. My flight leaves tomorrow”

I didn’t get another response from him but I didn’t even need one. I was leaving the office heading home. I was excited to see my brother, Jules but I was still unsure about Jacques.

I was driving home and the worry of what might go down with Jacques was still very much on my mind. I reached for my phone as I sat in traffic and began texting,



I hated when people told me they wanted to tell me something and then proceeded to not tell me immediately they told me. Funny, how much I hated suspense!
Knowing Tasha, there was no way to express things she didn’t want to. I just had to wait and I waited all night. I so desperately wanted to text her but like many, I didn’t want to be the one chasing after her.
So I lay there in bed and wondered what she might have wanted to tell me. Why hadn’t she spoken to her brother? Why was she holding back? Was she really in on it with him?
I began to weave ideas in my head. What was going on? I just needed to know. It was too much to stay awake for. I had to go to sleep; I had an early flight to catch.

The flight was reflective of my life at that time. There were some smooth moments and then there were some rocky times as the turbulence made the flight unpleasant. Whilst on the plane I thought about how long ago the three J’s had been together. I was the type of person to internalize the problem. I would make their problems, my problem and worry consistently about them so the disconnection between us saddened me. I understood some of Jacques’ frustrations and fears about his sister dating me. I understood that I was an asshole before but I was a changing man. I really wanted to do right by her. I saw myself with her long term. I wasn’t going to cheat on her or mess around. I knew that once we got back together, it was for life and I was ready for that.

I spent most of my time after I landed in my room because Tasha was scheduled to arrive later that night and Jacques and I obviously weren’t talking while Jules was also off running errands and putting finishing touches towards the dinner to be held at his house the next day.
I ventured out of my hotel which was around the airport and hit the mall. I did some light shopping and wandered into my favored Aldo store to pick up some new shoes that caught my eye. I thought to myself that it was going to be a truly odd experience when we all meet the next day. I remembered the last time we had all been in the room together like that. It was the night of Jacques’ birthday party. There was so much love, laughter and food in that place that night. I was not sure how it was going to be this time.


I had brunch with a friend at a local dinner not too far from my hotel and then I returned to my room to take a nap. I got up at about 4pm and I just had this sickening feeling in my stomach. All of a sudden I was really nervous. I felt like I had done something wrong. I just wanted to back out of the whole thing. I got under the warm water in the shower as it covered me. I just wanted to stay there. The water drowned out any outside noises and left me feeling safe in a way. I began to wish that I was just allowed to stay there but I couldn’t just be there. Stepping out of the shower with a towel lying on the ground, I began to dry myself off. I reached for my pants and put them on and then my hair brush as I put my shirt on. I started brushing my hair and looked into the mirror; this was a reflection of me. My eye sight was still not great. I had to put my eye drop in before leaving. I needed to make an appointment to see my optometrist again and also get a refill on my prescription eye drops.

I was done. I reached for my jacket and put it on and then I grabbed the gift back that included a bottle of a custom made Pinot bottled in 1972. That winery only made 250 bottles that year due to a fire on the farm. So the value of those bottles sky rocketed costing thousands but Jules was worth it. I looked around my hotel room and made sure I had everything. I put some floss in my wallet and sprayed my cologne. I never left to any meal without floss. I hated food stuck between my teeth.

.     .     .     .     .     .

I arrived a little late like I always did making sure I was not the only one there when other guests showed up. There were about 4 people there already including Jules. He seemed happy to see me but I was over the moon. I gave him a big hug and attempted to catch up with him before his girlfriend pulled him aside to continue the preparations. People began to trickle in and then Jacques arrived with his new girlfriend and Tasha. I wondered why Tasha didn’t ask me to come and pick her up even though I was sure she wasn’t staying with her brother and his girlfriend. She came over and gave me a warm hug and kissed me. It had only been 4 days since I last saw her but it felt like forever and I had actually missed her. I leaned in and planted a kiss on her cheek and hugged Jacques’ girlfriend. I had totally forgotten her name. The party began as Jules, girlfriend on his arm, welcomed us all and thanked us for coming. We began to dig into the great food.

About 45 minutes in more people had arrived and there were 13 of us seated across the table with an amazing outlay of food in our presence. The food was being passed around while we all filled our plates. I was seated at an angled corner from Jacques. The tension in between us was palpable. You could touch and feel it.

There was a way he glared at me. His girlfriend was repeatedly trying to redirect him by engaging him in small talk. He wasn’t having any of it. It truly just seemed like he had everything bottled up on the inside. Dinner was coming to a close and the bottles of wine on the table were piling. There was slow beach music playing in the background as we all drank, talked and laughed. A couple of Jules’ co workers were looking like they were about to leave so it seemed like the perfect time to have a toast right before they left.

I raised my glass as I rose up and gently tapped my unused bread knife on it. Everyone turned and looked at me. Jules sitting at the head of the table to my left turned down the volume of the music playing. I cleared my throat, smiled and started my speech with,

“We are all gathered here to celebrate a good man. A hardworking man who I have had the privilege to grow with and know for many years, his determination and dedication towards the things and people he is passionate about is amazing. I appreciate you as a brother, a friend and a confidant. This new phase for you will only bring great things. You have shown that through hard work, loyalty, integrity and honesty; you can achieve anything. Congratulations bro, you deserve this”

Right before I was able to finish a now drunk Jacques blurted out,

“At least he knows what loyalty looks like”

I wasn’t taken back or surprised because I knew Jacques and his problem with regulating himself when alcohol became involved. I was angry. For the better part of the night, I had controlled and contained my temper and right then I just was about to lose it but I kept calm. I was not going to engage with Jacques. I tried to ignore him and sit down when he said,

“that’s what I thought, you lying piece of shit”

Everyone gasped.
His girlfriend placed her hand on his arm as if to rein him in but it didn’t help. I looked straight at him sitting down at the table and with a built up but controlled rage I said,

“Jacques are you really trying to do this? Are you really trying to do this here?
Your plan is to air our dirty laundry in public here? Are you serious right now???”

He looked at me and said,

“yes! You wanna stand there and give a speech about loyalty and honesty and shit. Yet you’re out her operating behind people’s backs!”

I was actually startled and had this puzzled look on my face. Jules was surprisingly not standing to interrupt or break up what was about to happen. I thought it was because he had been doing that between us for so long and he must have been fed up or he was just too drunk. I didn’t know when I dug into the reserved anger in me and said,

“Bruh! You need to chill the fuck out with that. What I have to do with your sister has nothing to do with you? Let it fucking go!
She’s a grown ass woman who can make her own decisions and she’s decided to be with me. So be a fucking man and leave it alone. I have never done anything to hurt her and I’m not planning on it so niggaa! Chill the fuck out!”

People were starting to get really uncomfortable and some began to excuse themselves while Tasha held me back and Jacques girlfriend tried to calm him down. The girl Jules had been talking to, Victoria, was puzzled and trying to keep the peace.
Jacques charging at me yelling obscenities suddenly paused after what I had said and smiled. He said

“Oh she didn’t tell you?”

looking at Tasha and then he continued talking,

“I thought you would be one to hurt her but I guess she got to you first. Hahaha such a shame”

I was now confused and I looked at Tasha who was holding my right arm and saying

“Don’t listen to him baby. He’s just saying that to make you mad.”

I responded,

“He hasn’t said anything yet. What are you talking about? What is he trying to say?”

“Nothing baby. Just forget it and calm down. It’s not important”

She responded and then Jacques cut her off,

“Yeah, that’s not what is important. What’s important is the bullshit you told the NCAA when they called to investigate about the Championship game and why I didn’t test. You were the only one who knew about it and now they are investigating me. You broke the trust you fucking traitor and now you want me to let you be with my sister?! Hell no! I’d rather die you son of a bitch!”

Now, I was mad! If it was possible to see the fumes coming out of nostrils, they would have been enough to burn a corn field in the California drought. I yelled back,

“Me! Me?!!! Are you mad?! Why would I do that? After all that we went through. After all those years. You think I would turn on my brother now?! Now you’re the one not thinking.”

Jacques was a bit taken back by how angry I was. I was close to tears. Whenever I got really angry and I didn’t have the words to use, I would just find myself crying. It also happened whenever I was wrongly accused of something. I was about to lose my shit proper. Tasha had let go of my arm. Jules was quiet in the corner with his girl looking in shock next to him and then Jacques said

“So you’re trying to tell me you never told anyone about our plan back then?”

I shook my head and said

“No! I never told anyone…”

Then it dawned on me. I did tell someone. I did tell one person. But NO!
It was absolutely impossible that the person would have done that. No they could not have betrayed me, betrayed us like that.

I turned to my left and looked at a now worried Jules. He stepped back and then I said,

“I told Jules and only him”

Everyone turned to Jules who made no attempt to defend himself as he took steps backwards. Jacques spoke first before anyone could speak

“You told the NCAA about that. You tried to ruin my life after trying to ruin my sister’s relationship? You bastard! You blackmail my sister and then try to ruin me?!”

Jules chimed in

“I didn’t know my testimony in the investigation was bad. I just said what I thought they wanted to hear. It was so many years ago”

I now had an idea of what was going on and I needed answers. I turned to my right and looked square at Tasha and said

“Tasha, was Jules the reason you didn’t come to the hospital all those months?”

She nodded.
I needed more than that.


She was now crying. The Tasha I knew was solid even in the face of pressure. Something was off but I was frustrated. I yelled

“Tasha! Talk”

She was wiping her tears when she pointed at Jules and said,

“It was him. It was because of him.”

I said.

“What do you mean?”

“He blackmailed me. Jules and I had slept together only a few months before you and I began talking. It was just sex. Nothing more I promise but…. *she sobbed a bit more* when you and I got serious, I didn’t know how to tell you because he was so close to you. So I thought it would go away. He did go away for a while and then he returned when the accident happened and told me that night we were both at the hospital that if I didn’t have sex with him, he would tell you that we had been having sex before you and I became. And I didn’t want that to happen so I gave in. It was only oral but I could not bring myself to look at you again. So I stopped coming to the hospital and stayed away hoping that you would forget about me and my secret would stay dead. I am sorry”

As the last words sailed into the open and shocked room, it felt like a dagger went right through my heart. I looked at Tasha and tears began to streak out of my eyes. I was hurt; again. I had no words to convey my emotion. I felt so stupid.
I was waiting for this girl and hurt that she was not there when I woke up, not knowing that she had been with someone I called a brother. I sat back down in my seat, shocked. I could see Jacques and his face was filled with such regret and sadness. This was not how he wanted me to find out about all this.
I felt so naked. You know that sense you get when you are the last one let in on a secret so significantly about you. I could not imagine that they all knew and nobody told me. I looked around at Jacques; his entire expression said he was sorry without even using words. I turned at the other guests and they all felt sorry for me. I slowly with my teary eyes moved and looked at Tasha, she was sitting in the corner with her hands over her face and all her makeup smeared. I still loved her but I was hurt and while I understood what she did because I had been in that situation before, I was pretty hurt.

I turned over and looked at Jules. It all made sense now. Distributing all the focus away from himself and not wanting to talk about Jacques or Tasha back then. It seemed like all my hurt and anger was channeled that way. I was ready to pounce on him and then he made the biggest mistake ever. He opened his mouth and said,

“I’m sorry”

I lost it. I don’t even remember how fast I ran that way. I jumped out of my chair pushing it back with my left hand. I ran around the couch and dashed for him. Victoria tried to block me and I darted around her. Jules was a tight end in college, a really big guy. I pushed into him and he barely moved. I don’t know exactly what happen next but I swung at him trying to punch him and missed. Trying to defend himself he pushed me and I slipped, falling backwards I crashed into the center piece of the table and the glass shattered and right then my head smashed into the tiles on the ground. The sounds of the glass were familiar, like that day on the road. It was very loud. And just like that day, it all went dark really quick and then quiet for a little while.

All of sudden I heard people rush out to me and I could hear a really scared and worried Tasha calling my name

“Jerome, Jerome!!!!….”

I could hear Jacques on the phone calling for the ambulance and Victoria yelling at Jules for what he had done. Slowly the noise died out in my head. My eyes batted. I could feel hands on me. My breathing slowed. And then it went completely dark and silent.

.     .     .     .   .     .

The sounds were the same, the beeping of the machines. It felt like a familiar place. I yawned and slowly turned. I could hear the chatter and the voices from far off. I felt sore and my head throbbed. I felt stiff like I was strapped onto a surfboard.
I turned around moved my legs. I could feel a pounding in my head.
It was tight and dark around me. I could feel a cool breeze from the fan blowing all over me. I knew where I was. The smell of drugs and the moist in the air, I knew this hospital bed. I knew people were in the room but I wasn’t sure who.
I wanted to ask who it was as I turned my head to the left and then I heard a voice.

“Mr Osho, I’m sorry to hear about the situation but from the initial scans we ran it doesn’t look good at all. There seems to be a lot of scaring in your eyes and the little shard of glass has moved into a dangerous position. It is quite possible we might be looking at some permanent damage here”

I clinched the sheets and I knew.
I knew that I had gotten lucky one time. There was no way fate was going to be kind on me the second time. I just felt it in my soul. The doctor continued,

“We will run some more tests and see what we come out with. For now, get some rest and we’ll hope together”

I heard someone thank the doctor as the door closed behind him. I believed in my heart that it was over. Jacques opened his mouth and began talking,

“Jerome, I’m sorry bro. I truly am. I’m sorry for doubting you and for accusing you of those things. I should have trusted you. I should have known that you would never betray me, betray us after all that we went through. I’m disappointed in myself and in the things I said. I should have never allowed my feelings to come between you and my sister. I made the biggest mistake in a long time. I just hope you can forgive me and I want you to know that I will be here for as long as you need me. I’m sorry bro…”

Jacques was sorry I could tell. He had always wanted to protect me. From putting himself on the line for me back in college to loaning money when I was searching for a job, this man always had my back. It was just sad that this situation had caused this rift between us. I wanted to cry and I knew we were both hurting. I gathered myself and said,

“It’s okay bro. I’m sorry for the things I said too. I hope we can move forward and put all this behind us. You’re a brother to me. Not even like one and I am sorry that all this came between us from your sister to the NCAA thing. I’m so sorry I let my temper get the best of me. I love you bro”

I paused and then said,


She muffed her response

“I love you. I always have from the first day I met you. I knew I had to have you. It has been hard. Bumps along the way but I have never stopped loving you. I don’t even know why I’m saying this right now but I want you to know that I will always love you. I wish you had told me the truth then. It would have been better to be hurt then and he would have never been able to use it against you. You are my heart. You and your brother are my family”

I held her hand and squeezed it tight. They stayed for a few more hours before Jacques left for the night.
I was wheeled into the room for an MRI early the next morning. Tasha had brought me some Chinese and fed it to me as my eyes were still blinded by the material. I was seated up in my bed eating and watching the Price is Right when Jacques walked in. We exchanged greeting and he sat next to me. All three of us were in the room and my sister who was flying in was on her way. The doctor walked in and addressed me. He asked if they could please excuse us and I said,

“No it’s okay doc, they are my family.”

Tasha squeezed my hand. The doctor said

“Mr Jerome, I’m sorry to say this but there is significant damage to your eyes. The MRI just showed that the repeated trauma to that target position had done more damage. Sadly, you may never see out of those eyes anymore. I’m sorry.”

The doctor stopped talking and asked us to let him know if we needed anything else. I was already in tears. He turned around and left the room. As he left, I felt Jacques and Tasha embrace me on the bed with big hugs. I was now crying heavily. I had prayed that things would get better after the last time. This was definitely not it.
I was never going to see the basketball championships, watch someone get pulled over or watch the opening ceremony of the Olympics. It was going to be steady darkness. I kicked my head back and heard the sounds as all three of us cried on the hospital bed.
I asked myself before what would happen if the lights went out. I guess I finally had the clear opportunity to find out. My vision in life was drowned out. I felt a new set of tears flow down my cheeks as I cried out a soft but heavy


The lights were out. I had to redefine myself and who I was going to be and how my life would be. My whole life basically changed in a day. This was going to be a difficult life change that I didn’t know what it would look like. I wasn’t sure but I surely was surely about to find out. I had people that loved me that much even though they had messed up and that was at least one thing I didn’t have to cry about. We had been physically and emotionally bruised and battered in this journey. Broken relationships, broken dreams, tattered hopes, darkened worlds and there I was scarred and now leaning on the same people that contributed to the wounds to help me heal. Funny how life works sometimes, people hurt us and we forgive them and then task them with the project of helping us rebuild again. This was going to be hard. My whole world seemed black; I put my hand around Tasha’s head and pulled her close. A fresh set of tears flowed out my eyes.


“There is a saying that the ant that eats/kills the plant is actually on the plant to begin with.
Well something like that. Over time, we go into relationships and situations that have outcomes that would eventually blindside us and cause us to be hurt. In this series, there’s forgiveness but there’s loyalty, a lack of communication, deciet, lies, pain and love. The relationships we have provide a perfect balance with all those things or at least so we hope right. I’m not asking you go and confess all your sins today but I’m asking you to watch how you wield the blade. You are immersed in the lives of certain people and your actions matter. I used the blindness of Jerome as a metaphor for scarring people for life, from those that break hearts to those that collect them; you can leave a long lasting scar. One that might never heal or even one that you might never be able to help heal. Do good and give good.

You cannot control what others do unless you’re a magician or you’ve got your voodoo master on Facetime, but you can control what YOU do.

The positive energy you give off, the honesty, loyalty, dedication, forgiveness, patience, open communication, the LOVE.
Be good to those that love you today because trust me, you don’t want to be the reason they cry out “Why”.
Be a bright light and shining spot in their lives. Never be the reason, the lights go out.

Stay Up.”

                                                                           – @adewus4real

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Lookout for New Series starting next week. Preview during #WordsofWednesday

© 2014 #WhatTheHeckMan

#WordsofWednesday · Art · Drama · Fiction · Life · Poetry · Uncategorized

Sit… Breathe…Think


Follow @adewus4real You’ll only regret it when I get heartbroken 


Royalty by Mali Music

Start by taking a seat

Deep breath


Release the air

Try not to think

It’s finally here

The beginning and end of another journey

Full of ups and downs

Twists and turns

Bumps and bruises

But yet

Here you are above it all


It is very easy

And quite natural

To want to forget the mistakes we made all along

But I urge you not to

Instead let them remind and teach you

Of the decisions you should make

Or some you should avoid

Use them as a teaching tool

Everything is a learning process


To some

This time brings excitement

To some

This time brings fear

The sense of doubt creeps in

About whether or not you can do it

I ask that you let that fear and doubt

Burn inside you and let their fumes blow out

And give you the space to believe

Believe in you

Because the truth of the matter is

You made it thus far

And you are going to make it farther


Excitement or fear

Belief or doubt

You have a decision to make

You’re staring down the route of another potentially amazing journey or pathway

You’ve worked hard to this moment

Those rough days you fought through

Or those lonely nights you toiled alone

You’re here

And there might be many more to come

But do not forget how you got here

Instead remember who and why you got to this place

And be thankful

This chapter is a new beginning to define greatness

The new journey is about to begin

Equip yourself and prepare for the journey

Work hard and fight harder

Stay true to yourself

In all don’t forget who you are

And never give up


There is no fatigue felt on the day of victory


Now take another deep breath

Breathe out

Get up

And suit up

Reach out to the people you love

Your support system

And hold them close

Give love and get love

Brace yourself

It’s going to be another fun ride

See you at the finish line

By his grace.


This piece practically wrote itself today during my break at school. I was in what I would consider the worst  class I have ever taken in my life. It’s an Enterprise Info Class in my MBA program. I left that class after 4hrs, close to tears. Not because I didn’t know what I was doing or what was being said but because it just felt hard. It just felt like a struggle. It felt like I couldn’t do it. It felt like I would fail. And the truth is that fear is healthy IF you can harness it. I left that class with tears in my eyes but I knew I was going to make sure I leave with smiles at the end of the class. This class made me challenge myself but also reevaluate why I was getting this degree and my future goals. I even briefly considered not writing #WhatTheHeckMan anymore. Sigh. I was sad.
There are things in your life, do they challenge you anymore?
Do you have fears? Do they push you or cripple you?
Contingency plan?
I ask you today to think of your fears, think of they ways you might fail and harness them. Turn them into motivations. Own them.
I ask you today to envision greatness and you celebrating. From difficult jobs, to family situations, relationships and even balancing your crying bank account. YOU GOT THIS. I GOT THIS. WE’VE GOT THIS.

Please push harder. Fight harder. Pray harder.
Remember you are great. In everything you do.

“There is no fatigue felt on the day of victory”

You Are Royalty.

Give me feedback, please. COMMENT!!! 

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Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

Lookout for Scarred 4 this Saturday.

© 2014 #WhatTheHeckMan