Recovery

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You’ll only regret it when I get heartbroken 

 ⟹ ⟹ ⟹ PLAY THE SONG BEFORE YOU START READIN

Conqueror by Mali Music

“I don’t need them”

I truly don’t need them

I can do it all by myself

I tried to continue to convince myself

I was my own island

But even an island is supported by a body of water

Is anyone ever truly alone?

Don’t we all need someone?

 

 

I changed

I lied

I stole

From hearts

I told lies behind people’s backs

I remained difficult

I saw no sense in anyone’s report

I messed up

But I’m not here to make excuses

I’m here to discuss fixes

 

 

I broke relationships

Repeatedly ignored the warnings

That I was a sinking ship

Stubborn

I tried to navigate the waters alone

But all it did was hurt me

Deep

Till I felt it in my bones

Some threw stones

And some left me alone

But you never left me on my own

 

 

You reached out

You took my hand and told me it would be okay

You asked me to have faith and only listen to your word

And the promises that came with your grace

I could feel you pull me up

Suddenly I could feel my heartbeat

After many people pounded it till it stopped

You gave me hope

I found solace in the words you spoke

 

You told me to fix things

And with your redirection

With your mercy

Here I am

Restituting

As crazy as it seems

I’ve found peace

So for many reasons

I want the spirit in me to be perceived right

Because I’m leaving the darkness and walking back to the light

I know temptations will come

And people will try to pull me down

But that’s alright

He’s on my side again

And for their sakes

It’s not even a fair fight

 

 

I knelt at his feet and asked him to forgive me

Like I have many times without ever truly meaning it

And he always has

Like he’s promised

He always will

So today

I’m reaching out to you

To say I’m sorry

Forgive me like a mother would

I changed and now I’m back

I’m not without flaws

And that’s a fact

This is my new journey

My new road

My new direction

With guidance from above

I can’t ask for you to love me

But I want you to know

That I truly love you

 

Every single week, I have the #WordsofWednesday written out and stored in my computer with all my other pieces. But sometimes, I feel something and it changes the direction I want go and the topic I want to post about.

 

Many of you, don’t know me personally but we have similar struggles. About two years ago, I changed. From the super sweet carefree, people loving person. I changed.

I became closed off to new relationships and struggled to forgive as I battled hurt, depression, insecurities, lies, deceit, pain and disappointment. Don’t forget a complete slip in my walk with God. Somehow, he stayed faithful. He always stays faithful, even when I am faithless and unfaithful. I could feel emptiness inside me that I shored up with fake friendships and vain dreams. I could feel myself drift deeper and deeper into a dark place and I truly reached for the wrong people to help me up. I particularly hurt a few people that I know truly cared about me and tried to reach out and help me up. But they are only human.

I could feel the man I wanted to become seem more and more like a distant fantasy. But I held on to hope.

I intentionally broke relationships because of the pain I held. I didn’t punch at a 100% in places I should have. I tried to lie to myself. The easiest person to lie to is you. I say that a lot.

 

Slowly as I continued to feel alone amongst a crowd, I asked him to re-arrest my heart. Put me back on track. I’m thankful to say he did. About a month and half ago, I was heading home from work. The song on the iPod (on shuffle rotation) changed and the song a version popular song struck a cord. Tears.

I felt naked as I pulled over to the side of the freeway. I couldn’t contain it. I could feel his hand peer into my heart and open me up slowly lifting all my pain and hurt away. The tears wiped away the memories of sadness. I could smile again.

I felt like a baby welcomed back by their parent out of love after being grounded for bad behavior.

I tried to fight the feeling but I noticed old habits and feelings trying to weigh me down. Like subs, they came from below and tried to drag me down. I had to stay strong and continue to build the new version of me.

One key thing that came from the “new” me was the need to restitute and fix some of the relationships I broke; intentionally or unintentionally. So I reached out to people, some answered and some didn’t. Some forgave where others held on to the pain I caused them BUT I FELT TRUE PEACE.

 

Today I challenge you, more than ever to search you. To search the depths of you heart. I ask you to be honest with yourself. Are there grudges you’re still holding on to? People you cannot forgive? Friends you don’t want to be the one to apologize to?

Think of the weight it places on you. I had to reach deep and forgive someone who took my innocence at a very young age. Huge for me but each person is unique.

 

Who do you need to call? What Facebook requests do you need to accept? Who do u need to unblock on your phone so you can accept their apology? Oh he broke, your heart? Let him go. She left you for your friend? Let her go. Let it go in your heart. He gave me another opportunity to feel “free”. You deserve one too or deserve to give them one too.

 

I ask you to view both sides of the coin, who do you need to forgive and who needs to forgive you?

It is very easy to remain a victim to hurt, pain and sadness. Restitute where you can or facilitate forgiveness where you can.

 

Today I ask you to take a stance, and not be a victim to hurt, pain or darkness anymore.

 

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The End

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