Month: March 2018

#WhatTheHeckMan · #WordsofWednesday · African · African Fiction · African Stories · Art · Bloggers · Oakland · Poetry · Stories · TheRants · TheRantsShow

Unpacked & Abandoned

adewus4real1 Comment

I called you, twice
It kept ringing
No answer
The next time we talk
It will be over
The story
The movie
Battery, dead
Love?
Left.

Unpacked & Abandoned.

You ever moved to a new place and as you are planning to leave the current place, you decide that certain things won’t go with you?
The old bed frame, that broken toaster, the deadbeat partner? 👀

Unpacking is a cornerstone of growth and change.
Sometimes we don’t actively recognize that but it is so important.
The mind is like a train, things come in and get off, some come on and never get off. There is so much that will influence you in life but not all of it needs to enter your next phase with you.

Recently, I started thinking about the things that I have experienced in my past that I still carry around with me and how they could be affecting my future.
Yes, he cheated on you or you let her walk all over you.
Unpack that and set it down, so you can thrive.

Many of us allow those interactions/experiences/moments define us going forward. It is important to cherish some things in the now but let them go.
Why are you always worried about what he might do to hurt you?
Why do you always get defensive when women get close?
Have you seriously unpacked the things that you carry?

For the first few years after my relationship, I couldn’t imagine feeling the amount of love that put me at risk of getting as hurt as I did.
I actively avoided anything that will allow me to fall that hard for someone. In some cases, I would blatantly self-sabotage myself to prevent chances of being hurt.
I had to stop once and ask myself, why do you keep carrying that around?

The annoying thing with unpleasant things you haul around is that it is sometimes the first thing new people see when they meet you.
In the second conversation, your hurt, doubts, and insecurities start showing and he/she wants to run as far away from you as possible.
And the part that sucks the most is that it is so far away from who you really are.
Set some time aside, the things you have seen or been through are all very valid but they should not govern your life and your path forward.
What are the good things? Note them and cherish them.
Everything else? Let them go.

It is not enough to unpack.
When you take your stuff to Goodwill or Salvation Army to donate, you don’t later go back to buy it.
It takes intentionality to thrive and move forward.
You need to make it a daily choice to bask in your greatness. You have let go of the “waste”, now focus on the great.

Most people will reckon that packing can be difficult because you don’t know what you will need where you are going.
It is much easier after a trip to know what you don’t need for the next one. So toss it.
Abandon it, you will be better for it.

 

#WordsOfWednesday
#WTHM
#TheRantsShow

Black.Gay.Waiting Part 4 out on Saturday!
Please watch this space!

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

#WordsOfWednesday
© 2018 #WhatTheHeckMan

Fiction

Safe

adewus4real2 Comments

#WordsOfWednesday

Safe.

I never believed in miracles
But I believed in you
My eyes glued to the door
It was like I was expectant
But then not
The hours ticked on
But the door stood firm
Shut
My phone wouldn’t buzz
And when it did
It wasn’t your call
So slowly
Optimism was replaced with hurt
A dawning realization that to you
I am not worth much
And it hurt
The tears couldn’t paint the right picture
I closed my eyes and tried to forget
And then I heard footsteps
Flinging it wide open
I scanned the hallway in both directions
Juliet was walking closely with Roscoe her dog
She turned and said hello
But it’s back in
Into a home that is now empty & extremely cold

 

Where is it?
Where is that place that you drift to?
The place you run to.
The place where you feel your feet on the ground or in the water
Where you can hear and feel your heartbeat
Where is the place where you feel safe?


For some people “Home” is where safety lies. Home can be a place or a person.
For others, it’s in religion, faith, work, relationships or just within themselves.

Do you know your safe place?
A little while ago, I had a conversation with someone who was very impressed by the fact that I knew where my safe place was.
I like waterfronts.
There is a serenity that they bring to me.
I love overlooking the water and seeing my thoughts fly. I love dreaming about how far in life I will go.

I have been one to find safety in my talent and my output.
The issue with that is this, as a creative, you pour so much of yourself out into your art and craft, so if people do not appreciate it, you are left reeling and sometimes spiraling.
So I learned to find safety in stable things.
The unshakable things like the purity of my soul.

So what is your safe place?
When you drift and the war of the world wages, where do you go and feel covered?

Another place I always feel safe in is the place of worship.
When I am really down and I cannot pray, I tend to just start singing worship songs.
Once I get into it, the tears typically flow and before you know it, I can pray and ask to be covered.
But sometimes, why is it so hard to go to the place of safety?
It is a familiar space, so why is it so hard to go there?


What happens when the person that is your safety becomes the stressor?

This place is hard.
It can feel deflating. You have loyalty to them, so you honestly can’t and shouldn’t let outside eyes and ears in.
But how do you deal?
When you just want to call them and let it all out but they are picking fights and making loving them so hard.
That really is when you decide to be intentional about love – for them and for yourself.
Have you ever been locked outside your own home, and there is someone inside refusing to open the door for you?
That is what it feels like to be held back from entering your safe place.
When the person you lean on is trampling on you, it can feel – helpless.

It is so important to find that safe place.
No, that bottle of wine you picked up on your way from work is not it.
Being in his arms one night out of the month is not it either. Obsessively shopping ain’t it either.
It has to be stable, it has to be able to fill you up and recharge you without leaving you wanting more.

So what is your safe place?

Leave a comment below and let me know.

Black.Gay.Waiting Part 4 out on Saturday!
Watch this space!

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

#WordsOfWednesday
© 2018 #WhatTheHeckMan