Memories ft. LV by Meaku
Almost every man can attest to having a pregnancy scare or two in his sexually active life.
I couldn’t say that I wouldn’t have expected one win my erratic behavior of late but I sure wasn’t expecting one with Raquel.
She always had her stuff together. Many times in front of me, she would take her birth control pills. I was always told to never trust someone with nothing to lose but Raquel had her world in her hands, a baby at that time would mean possibly throwing it all away.
I stood there in silence. My mind was raving trying to connect the dots.
A part me even considered taking the popular approach of most men and initially denying that it could be mine. But I knew Raquel and she was one of the “good ones”.
I think from my silence she began to worry. That defensive look covered her face as she said
“Why aren’t you saying anything?”
Her tone sent the message.
What it really sounded like she said was
“You better not be trying to pin this on me. We did this together”
I finally felt my feet return under me as I walked over to the couch and sat next to her. I looked straight at her and said
“I’m not running love. I just thought we took the measures”
I could see her face relax. She exhaled and leaned back a bit.
Then she said
“I know. I’ve taken it everyday for months now.
I don’t know how it happened and you know I’ve only been with you. So that part is sorted but I don’t know either.
I’m scared but it’s yours so I’m also not scared”
I was terrified and you all know why.
I reached my right hand out and held her right hand, covering it with my left and I said
“Raquel, I have something to tell you”
A puzzled look spread across her face.
She sat up and said
“What is love?”
My heart was racing. My palms were sweaty. I felt like I was going to puke if I said the wrong thing.
My eyes searched hers to find if it was okay to speak on.
Swallowing hard, I said…
My phone buzzed.
We both looked at the phone. And then back at each other.
There was a moment there where she wanted me to decide if I was going to reach for the phone or not.
“Tell me Ashton”
I looked at her and said
“I’m HIV positive”
Her eyes grew big. She looked like she had been shot.
What The Heck Man would not have been enough.
She screamed from the end of the room by the sliding door
I jumped off the couch and stood in the middle of the room, motioning to her to keep her voice down.
How did you get it?”
she was hysterically pacing the room and then she stopped.
She looked at me and slowly approached. I will not lie.
I began to panic.
It might be stereotypical of me to say this but a woman in that state was not one that I wanted to mess with at all.
I took a step back and another as she said
“Ash, do I?
Did you give this shit to me?
Did you ASHTON!!!!
Did you fucking give me a death sentence?!
You son of a bitch!”
I didn’t even get a chance to answer. She ran over the couch and slumped in it.
It was such a display of raw emotions that I didn’t even know if and when I should intervene.
I walked over to the seat and sat next to her.
I placed my hand on her lap as I was about to speak. She slapped my hand away and reached for her purse while yelling
“Ashton, don’t fucking touch me!
And don’t you dare fucking call me!
Just leave me the fuck alone….
You have ruined my fucking life. So leave me the fuck alone!”
She darted for the door and seconds later.
She was gone.
The room suddenly felt empty and I just stood there confused.
She was gone but the tension still filled the room.
I didn’t know what to do with myself.
I just sat on the floor. I didn’t even realize when I had started crying.
For weeks, I couldn’t do anything with myself.
I barely went to work and often came home to cry myself to sleep.
If the disease hadn’t kicked in yet, I was starting to look sick by just not eating.
My beard was growing out and I look unkept.
I was also secluding myself from people.
Raquel had not answered my calls and I was deeply concerned.
But I knew she had every right to.
I couldn’t understand the thing too. I could not tell her where I had gotten it from.
I couldn’t have exposed myself about who I had been with.
I tried to go on with my life as best as I could but I would have been lying if I said that I didn’t thin about it all the time.
Like every free thought went to that.
I was tired.
But I still had to fight.
I decided to give her the space she needed.
I think I needed the space too.
But my days were spent being burrowed up in my apartment. Depression quickly set in and began to consume me.
Everything just seemed like a lost cause. I felt like I since I was physically dying, my will to do anything was going too.
One Saturday afternoon, there was a knock on my door. It was Vic.
He came in and basically forced me out of the house.
“Bro, why have you been hiding from everyone these past few weeks?
I thought you were over the Steph heart break”
he asked as we walked through the Express store in the mall.
I laughed and replied
“Haven’t been running bro. Just been mad busy.
How you been tho?”
Vic looked at me
He smiled and said
“Ash, you know how many years I’ve known you for?
Don’t bullsh*t me.
I know something is up with you.
You know we here to help. Reach out.”
I sipped from my drink and said
“Thanks bro but I’m good”
We walked around as I followed Vic while he tried on things.
I wasn’t even in the mood and nothing looked appealing to me.
We must have been in there for about 15 minutes when my phone rang.
I looked down at it and it was Raquel.
I motioned to Vic as I stepped away to take the call.
I walked out of the store in the huge hallway in the mall.
She was very direct as she said
“We need to talk. When can you meet?”
I was relieved that she wanted to talk but I was nervous about what the conversation might be about.
I’m at the mall”
“Okay cool. I’m like 10 minutes from there.
I’ll see you in a bit.
By the Texas Roadhouse”
I ended the call and I walked back into the store as Vic was walking out.
“bro, my bad but I gotta go”
I’m sure he knew it had to do with a girl but we shook hands and I was on my way.
I arrived at the location and I waited nervously for Raquel.
I was hypervigilant to everything around me.
The looks on peoples face, the way they walked, how they walked. I was just terrified.
Minutes later I heard
I looked over to my right and there was Raquel.
I was surprised as I rose and she gave me a hug.
She sat next to me and started
“I apologize for not responding to your attempts to reach me but I needed some time to gather myself and think.
I was truly overwhelmed.
The sad thing is that Ive been so messed up that I haven’t even gone to the hospital yet.
I took the home test Oraquick and it said I was negative but one cannot be totally sure
I have an appointment on Monday and I would like you to come with me”
I looked over to her and said
“Are you sure?”
She held my hand and said
I’m sorry for how I reacted when you told me because I never really expected that but I know you would never knowingly do something like that to me.
So I am here, so that we can both be a support to each other.”
I couldn’t believe it but I was so grateful.
I was thankful for the opportunity to try again.
There was still a huge cloud over my head about her state and that of the baby but for now, I was okay.
And Monday couldn’t come fast enough.
That Sunday night, I considered calling Stephanie again. I was conflicted about telling her but she was the one being distant from me.
I would not have wanted her going along blindly through the world not knowing the state of her health.
Waiting rooms have always been torture.
You can have a 9:30 appointment but still be waiting at 11am for a doctor come and attend to you.
So we waited.
At one point, Raquel looked over to me and squeezed my hand.
Being with her was comforting and in my heart I begged God to give us the verdict we came for.
It was a bit after 11am when the doors towards the back office opened up.
Out came a doctor, my doctor.
There was surprise on my face as he said
how are you?”
I forced a smile as I rose to shake his hand.
I sheepishly asked
“What are you doing here?”
He smiled and said
“I consult here on some Mondays for the local clinic. Some of my clients from around the area come here.”
I nodded as we finished up the pleasantries.
I returned to my seat and explained to Raquel that when I found out I was HIV positive, he was the doctor that helped me out.
He talked me through the treatment options and tried very hard to explain to me that it wasn’t the end of the world.
We went back to waiting and the tensions in the room were getting to me.
Imagine waiting in a HIV clinic for hours to find out if the woman that is pregnant for you is positive.
I can’t remember what we were chatting about but suddenly the door that led to the back where the doctor’s offices were, blew open again and the sight I saw left me in shock.
It was Stephanie and closely followed behind her; Wyatt.
She saw me and froze.
My mouth ajar.
Even I couldn’t say WhatTheHeckMan
LADIES and GENTLEMEN, I have been in the worst funk for the last few weeks. But I think I’m back!
For those of you that missed me, my return means new material and I’m ready to get to creating again.
I apologize for my absence but I hope you enjoyed FreeFall 3 and you will share before the posting of FreeFall 4 next Saturday!
Thank you for those that checked in and inquired about my well being. I appreciate you all.
The Wordsmith is BACK!
And I got endless cliffhangers for you all. Hold onto your hats.
Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated.
Part 4 is out on Saturday
© 2015 #WhatTheHeckMan